TRASHFUTURE - TRASHMAS Special: Jake Paul, Goop, and Nigel Farage ft. HRTBPS

Episode Date: December 21, 2017

Happy Trashmas from Riley (@raaleh) Milo (@milo_edwards) and Hussein (@HKesvani), joined by HRTBPS (@hrtbps). We listen to traditional carols from from the Jake Paul hymnal, Litmas, we exchange crystal nootropic room spray from Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP, and look into the holiday cheer that is Nigel Farage's life in shambles post-Brexit. Riley ponders the merits of Maoist Third Worldism, Posadism, or good old fashioned Accelerationism to eradicate the decadent West. Like, follow, and subscribe to our dumb asses. Love Riley xoxo

My strategy of using a wine holder to hold up the phone in the bowl you really you couldn't have chosen a worse implement like no it's not great is it I'm gonna be our be with a fork yeah ha who's in the bowl now he's kind of weird is sort of meta for Milo to be seeing this yeah I like it's like I've it's like I'm meeting my creator look upon your own form I'm seeing the edge of like your likes of Ozymandias in this analogy except now in the ball is someone entirely different yeah the ball contains multitudes who is in the ball hello am I in the ball you're in the ball welcome to the ball I'm in a bowl do I sound like I'm in a ball well yeah hello I'm in a

bowl yeah this is the cereal podcast where it all happens in a bowl before we get into anything else I do want to read the latest dispatch from the FCC in the United States the FCC won't let me be what what what group of ISIS is the FCC oh yes well there are no they're moderate it's the it's the free caliphate collective it's the latest communicate from the FCC on net neutrality from the office of Ajit Pai hello Mia very big fan of your work and was wondering if you would allow me to take you out to dinner sometime up to you this this was this was sent by Ajit Pai head of the FCC and Santa fidget spinner douchebag to Mia Khalifa why enjoyed her response to it where she wasn't entirely sure who he was the public's response was LMFAO

aren't you the piece of shit who wants to take away net neutrality and then Ajit Pai FCC official response is very much like the dating advice it must be he's taken the dating advice of Mike Sernovich because he says a simple no would have done have a nice day no because Mike Sernovich is Mike Sernovich his whole days and strategies meet like discludes the term no like he doesn't recognize the word no it's true Mike Sernovich is a cat person and he recognizes the word yet I just like the because obviously from one successful sexually frustrated Indian man to another one I feel that I understand Ajit Pai more than everyone else in this room and Ajit Pai seems to be that guy who torrented a copy of like the game and he did it because like he

wasn't successful in clubs and he was just like oh shucks man I am rich and well educated why won't you know 20 somethings you know make out with me in the club I've seen and he sort of read Verme's practice from unlike I don't know his cousin or something it's like this is arranged Ajit I have to say yes and he's just like yeah sure this is this this should work so he's like that type of guy who's like you know academically successful and sort of believes that like that must mean that people should respect him because like his aunties who are trying to get him hitched up with his cousins think of that his auntie Verizon his auntie Comcast is yeah and you know so I feel that's kind of the origin story of this exchange and also the idea that you know he's

brown she's brown so so you know who's the real racist yeah or maybe in Mia Khalifa is the real pickup artist because she's negging Ajit Pai oh that's true and she was wearing the hijab when she's not Muslim which is kind of peacocking it's a memorable garment yeah people like know her as the porn star who wore a hijab right I mean I know her is so much more yes I know her as the porn star who right when she's a business woman to me she's a sports commentator and a porn star who's in lots of different scenes actually including this one right now which is anyway that's just one of several Christmas presents that has been given to the world today some good some bad on this trash future the podcast about how the future is still trash I am one of the

hosts Rila you can find me on Riley you can find me on Twitter at Rila my ill-advised handle no you can't internet and real life no you can't find it because your account's being deleted today right as part of Twitter's push against the alt right no it's because we're all moving to pixel and freshly out of the ball joined by it's me Milo dang Edwards and I'm Hussein I'm here to say that celibacy is good and you should really try it sometime and rhyming is Haram rhyming is also Haram as is Bitcoin I found out today that Bitcoin is Haram and joining us from the ball I'm back I'm back in the ball it's heartbeats at heartbeats without the vowels no because Val who can afford vowels in this economy vowels are actually racist and therefore we

don't recognize them vowels are reactionary and vowels actually should only go to working families who deserve them but now we have a way better Twitterer than all of us coming here to really I think waste his time doing that and some of the some of the other wonderful gifts we've received this Christmas here at the at the trash future Christmas party has been I think probably the greatest the greatest musical achievement since I don't know Mozart's Requiem or Wagner or certainly as fascist Lincoln Park Jay-Z collaboration CD that was that was pretty lit fan that was pretty good pretty lit it's pretty squad anything by scooch flying the flag for you using the number four that was I mean I think it's a very 2017 thing to know that kid rock is eventually going to

or the rock indeed is going to be president in 2018 we're going to realize that Jake Paul is going to be president because we at trash future X heartbeats have listened to the Jake Paul Christmas album I listened to it at least five times so you don't have to but you should because it is it's absolutely bizarre it's amazing I'm not sure whether it's actually art or when I was asked to come to the podcast I thought yeah that sounds quite a good idea and then when immediately I was told that I had to listen to the Jake Paul Christmas album it made me think twice whether I needed to come on or not but I I actually I'm I've always been more of the low-ganger than a Jake Paul so I actually prefer Logan Paul who is the thinking man straight wow wow wow well

I mean Jake Paul is definitely not the thinking man's Jake Paul that would be that that much is certain I mean I actually I thought that when when he burned his couch in the empty pool that there were there were overtones of Nietzscheanism and almost a sense of sort of philosophical nihilism and indeed sort of the fear and trembling of he just burned a couch in a pool I find it easier there's a prank who's that a prank who's he pranking how is burning your own his own he's pranking his own sofa he's owning the lips yeah it's the thing is the lips want you to keep your that's why I think Jake Paul's fundamentally nihilist he's owning himself yeah that's kind of like why I still think there's a part of me that thinks that he's a performance artist and actually

like you know he's moonlighting at Stanford it's like a philosophy major he is quite an archer I find it easier to conceptualize Jake Paul as two toddlers called Jake and Paul in like a trench coat like so on each other's shoulders explains so much I mean he he is to have a guard for the Disney Channel so in a lot of ways I think that it is misunderstood by the mainstream not the Disney Channel is owned by Fox Jake Paul is actually canonically a Simpsons character and therefore anime he said no he's also um he's also a part of the king of the hill universe and part of the star wars universe and part of the king of last week universe I I just I can't wait for the the king of the hill uh Jake Paul crossover

youtube vlog should we should we review Jake Paul's Christmas album yeah I think all of it's amazing I think we should start off track one um which was the 12 days of is it the 12 days of chris is it called 12 days it's all the 12 days of litmus okay let's call it 12 days of litmus 12 days where you just test acids all day long it's really a song about human foibles well yeah I mean you know it's about tesla no it's about Lamborghinis it's about um the two Spanish youtubers he's adopted it's about his kind of friend and colleague uh this British guy called Nick Crumpton and one of Nick Crumpton's famous verses in a Jake Paul song and I know this verb basing because I've listened to it there's a youtube video where it's like Nick Crumpton's

verse from every day bro um for 24 hours and I've listened to it for 24 hours so it goes to in the lips is Nick Crumpton is Nick Crumpton every a character or is he actually Nick Crumpton is that him that's him that's him he used to work is that really him he used to not playing a character he used to work for the social chain which we've also sort of reviewed on this right well we we've talked about it we've only ever talked about it in passing oh okay I don't really understand who Nick Crumpton is right so Nick Crumpton's verse on its every day bro goes like this right no one needs the beatbox by the way okay okay so the verse goes uh you know it's Nick Crumpton and my collar still popping um yes I can rap but no I'm not from Compton

England is my city oh this is gonna feed into something I'm gonna talk about and if it weren't for team 10 then the US would be shitty I mean there's something else I can't remember uh I'm very proud of myself I was able to remember thank god for team 10 making the US good and fine actually um the England is my city line is there's another line that he does in another one that's London is my country yeah that's in my one he's just really confused on what city and country mean so I mean the backstory was actually this was so according to the vlogs but Jake Paul did um and I'm just like exposing myself as I could Jake Paul stand here I don't give a shit um is that Jake no we're all Jake Paul stands after today um my favorite YouTubers

are actually Jake Paul and Paul Joseph Watson Jake Paul Joseph Watson imagine my merch so Jake Paul apparently wrote that rap including Nick Crumpton's line which basically meant that Nick Crumpton I find it really funny about like Nick Crumpton's this guy who came on to Jake Paul's team largely just do like business stuff like he was the one who was supposed to build the Jake Paul brand and now he's like this kind of jester who Jake Paul kind of takes around and gets him to do like all his you know all his shitty stuff like hey Nick rap this verse and like he's like but Jake England isn't a city it's like rap this verse man and I'll give you a Tesla and that's how and that's how the song starts that's where we had Brexit and that's why we had Brexit it's like it's like that

it's where someone makes a mistake and rather than just admitting oh you know what I I thought England was a city they've gone with now London is my country pretending that no it's a fit it's a bit we're doing a bit it's not a mistake but um when I was reading the I was reading the comments on YouTube and um people like homework got to do homework uh commitment and my favorite was someone was saying someone's defending the line England is my city by saying actually England is a city in Arkansas and they're referring to the Arkansas England not when we often sort of say you know English laws for England uh we mean we want to move our legislative base to England Arkansas obviously the famous west Lothian Arkansas question so um you're saying that this is the

12 days the 12 days of litmus yeah is this song I have some issues with a lot of lyrics in this song but I'm please go take it take me through it I mean it's not it's not like the worst song on this album which says a lot but it's one which kind of demonstrates Jake Paul's lyrical prowess which is nothing you can hear his voice breaking halfway through the recording of course as he went through puberty during the recording of this album it's Christmas and I mean it's just about merch it's just about you know I've got new hoodies and new spoiler alert most of the songs are about merch that's true yes like pretty much all the songs on this album are about merch because I think takes us to the next song that you've actually literally like annotated oh yeah but my one

isn't as much about merch as the one Riley has I would like to bring you to uh Jake Paul's uh seminal work uh it's Christmas day comma bro um I mean this one is also also a spoiler alert one of the jumpers that you can buy for $80 uh says it's Christmas day bro on it so I mean interestingly this isn't this is also not the worst song on the Jake Paul Christmas album but it is the worst song ever written because I think Riley song wasn't even written like it was just it was just burped into a microphone um so I mean I picked out some I've actually got this printed out in front of me I've made some notes um so one of the ones I enjoyed uh from was we are the team 10 elves who the hell are freaking you they don't even swear because

they're cool and I know I give them coal if the internet troll so we got sorry to let you know guys but the trashage pod we are getting coal from the from the Jake Paul team um he moves uh all I got all I got this ice career looking like one minute rice so basically millions of people in South Asia are sustained by Jake Paul's career you buy one minute Jake Paul rise the interesting thing is that this year uh Jake Paul used as much energy as the state of Denmark but by 2020 Jake Paul will use as much energy as the entire United States well because everyone on the Jake Paul blockchain has their own copy of Jake Paul so it's impossible to create a fake Jake Paul because no one would ever want to um another weird one he just says Ohio's where I'm from

my Christmas is breadcrumbs I mean it's confusing I'm starting to feel like he is a sort of like Dali-esque surrealist um but yeah as ever Nick Crompton's verse is the star of the show um I'm going to literally read out his whole verse in two bars because everything in it is glorious and we need to break it down you know it's Nick Crompton and my Santa suit popping I'm the British Santa and these gifts stay dropping London is my country lakuna team 10 reindeer bring them money now is that them money or they're bringing money to them it's just a grammatical question delivering gifts like the energizer bunny who doesn't deliver gifts the energizer bunny explicitly advertises batteries at no point in any energizer ad does the bunny deliver any gifts

so Nick Crompton also I presume doesn't oh yeah and then to all of my honeys just the last line oh yeah we know that's so much better the rap then someone else takes up the rhyme they're continuing Nick Crompton's rhyme scheme this is this is chant Sutton yeah exactly they know I got that money they know I got a honey out here killing like I'm Bundy reference to famous American serial killer Ted Bundy there in this YouTube Christmas music video for children I mean I to be honest I I didn't get that I didn't even notice that until just now um is anyone else here including heart beeps in the ball surprised that um chant Sutton of team 10 has blithely made a Ted Bundy reference in his YouTube video for children I think um they what I think that is they

they thought of words that rhyme and then work backwards from there so they've got money funny funny the only other one that could think of was Bundy and they've just gone back it does run really well to be fair it only rhymes not very well a little bit yeah they just run out it's like orange there's nothing yeah no absolutely oh the only thing that rhymes with orange is Manson O.J. Simpson uh yeah oh yeah another great line from this before we carry on I want actually to talk about Nick Crompton's honeys for a moment which is something we didn't cover in the 12 days of litmus which is essentially just you know a low-key Jake Paul advertising but more importantly one of the the seventh day is seven British booties hmm not famously bootylicious

people the British it's a lot of like natural resources looted from Africa ah that famous British booty we just bought Africa's merch with guns the British Empire was actually a YouTube channel there's this one line this is still chase he says uh I'm Santa in the store kids are breaking down the door yelling please give me some more more more hey is that Roy more that last line was editorialized oh oh yeah no the best part so uh this is Erica Costell I don't know who any of these people are North Pole is my home got a candy cane phone because everything in the North Pole is made out of candy cane obviously slave flying like a drone straight into a god damn Pakistani farmers market yes a present courtesy of the USA

no yeah I'd love it if like YouTubers are actually like massive foreign policy hawks well actually dude one thing we may we may chat about briefly today they might well become them that's a bit of foreshadowing there for the Agra think tank Beeps what do you got for us um I've taken um the seminal work Santa diss track by Logan Paul um blessed be its name now I like Logan Paul more than Jake Paul because I read a really good interview with him when he was transitioning from Vine star where you can all you need to think of his six seconds worth of material uh he started taking acting classes and I read an interview he gave with some with some magazine where he talked about he was it was finding it difficult with his acting classes and they asked him specifically

what it was and he said that he found it difficult to pretend to be someone else and that's from as far as I can remember that's an actual quote is that what that's why you were found the acting class is difficult so the most difficult the most difficult thing that Logan Paul found about acting was acting yes it's a slippery one isn't it the thespian art now of the of the two Paul brothers I think Logan Paul has the best lyrics I want to share a couple of um lyrics from his song that really I think work well and again it's it's almost come from his he's got his words at rhyme and he's going to fit as many in as he can even though and he's got to the point where some of the words are not real words but the rhyme and that's the most

important thing at Christmas yeah um everyone he said christeners has become so crassly commercialized people have forgotten that it's really about the birth of Jesus the first rapper all this poetry that doesn't rhyme bring back the serial killer sir names um well there's a few there's a couple of verses I think I think we're really good um the first one is did you come to mingle or did you come to jingle you know I got that blingle oh yeah jingle lingle dingle it goes on to say hold on your reindeer's on my roof man you're messing up my shingles they call me LP this my holiday single did I mention I was single I'm addictive like a pringle yeah I'm extra like some sprinkles educated and bilingual um which pushes him into the line wege portal a merch ooh yeah I rep that

merch ooh so again just like jake paul is going into his uh a big sell for his merch which is I mean this is another this is another track just to sell his merch but at least he's built it up and not just pushing the merch straight away he's giving us some rhymes he's throwing us up throws in just to throw away a line that he's bilingual really really flexing his academic side which other language nonsense he speaks fluent fucking nonsense it's french yeah and so after the bilingual line he says um yeah I rep that merch in french and then he says it again in english oh yeah he's he's like he says like yeah he's a port de murch or something he's like he's like i have been so interested in sort of should i should i sort of throw away my sort of you know democratic

socialist ideals and should i become a malice third worldist or shall i just become a hawksa posadist and sort of try to work with dolphins and aliens to bring about an eventual nuclear annihilation now would have had a lot of subscribers do you do you mark 4 p.m do you have any more on this track until i said that specifically to you um uh i think that they both use the word lit and i think logon i if if we're judging it solely on how do they work in the one word lit again logon paul edges it for me because with jake paul um he refers to litmus which he clearly doesn't know what litmus means uh because he's just created his own potman potmanteau of lit and christmas um but i like logon paul he he talks about uh why only one reindeer lit

and i thought at least he's trying to come up with a dumber meaning there's some kind of poetry there in that um rudolf is the lit reindeer that's true logon paul logon paul is the worst sensitive and artistic of the paul brothers i i think that the song i've chosen uh is probably the simplest and probably uh the the the the most good the well it's the most something it's the most pure it's it's it's jake paul unplugged and i think this really gets to the core bearing your soul of paulism the yeah the the core the core of paulism i mean some people some people some people like believe that are sort of um also i believe in sort of saint thomas equinas others are paulites the song fan joy to the world starts with uh the chorus by the merch by the merch by the merch

by the merch by the merch by the merch sounds like something from the third rike by the merch jake paul again with that liminal messaging say all i want for christmas is that jake paul merch then there's the next stanza of this particular um poem uh fan joy dot co slash jake paul get in while you can before i sell it all spend one hundred dollars free shipping y'all go tell your mama she gotta buy it all that's the incredibly normal chorus incredibly normal incredibly i i did actually tell my mom this and she said myla go away i'm busy what is this you're an adult man now stop coming to me with this shit and get a job to which he responded mom how am i supposed to run my tech startup without my hoodie which says squad i just responded with by that merch by that

merch we in the god church by that merch well i think one thing if we're there's some important context to sort of understand these very pro merch songs um which is that most of jake paul's fan base is like eight to fifteen years old you know these are the fifteen year old jake paul fans yeah like late late comers is everyone else here familiar with jake the jake paul pop-up shop saga yeah i saw that i was following that on twitter last week or so uh just the amount of money people parents were spending was ridiculous so i if you i don't know if your kids are asking for something i suppose parents are likely to do it because i think a lot of parents probably don't know at this time of year what the children like i mean especially someone like um Nigel Farage who is 53

skin and separated he's got no idea what his kids want for christmas so in that situation you're gonna you know you're gonna and all the children are obsessed with youtubers then you're just gonna say well okay i hear they're like jake paul so let's spend that money but they were spending thousands of dollars on a public shop partnered with um nypd it was no i think they were doing a toy drive i think they were they were doing a toy drive so i think they were raising money for toys and then on christmas day um some nypd charity gives up toys to children i mean to be fair the nypd have a lot in common with jake paul because they're always wearing those nypd jackets which are in fact merch

yeah heartbeats has a point i think about um parents not really knowing what to get their kids um i don't know if that's always been i don't know if that's always been a thing because all there was nothing to get your kids there was just like food shelter and coal you could think of this as like i tend to think of these these things as occurring in cycles right was sort of the the because like almost the technology of understanding what it means to sort of sell something especially to more directly to more impressionable audiences gets better over time and so you know and i remember in the 1990s you had the sort of cartoon serial commercials or what have you that were designed to get you to demand you know fucking like fruity pebbles

from your parents or designed to get you demand a furby or whatever and that's how i ended up in the bowl it's a slippery slope and it seems like sort of what what's happening is as that gets better understood it gets more sort of purely distilled in the sense that it's no longer it's no longer that oh i like the transformers cartoon therefore i want to buy transformers um butt plugs yeah i want a butt plug that transforms into a robot that can shoot you know fucking lasers a butt plug that transforms into a bigger butt plug for when you're ready um rather it's we have this almost extraordinarily stop breaking my wine stopper we have this this extraordinarily pure version of capitalism but what we got is this this sense of there's no longer even a

like with with transformers there was a show associated with it there was a backstory there was a thing at this point as an anime there literally was an anime yeah exactly at this point it's um jake the jake paul approach is one where there is no story or the story is the purchase like the the the if you like the the line between what's being sold in the sales pitch has entirely disappeared that is yeah that's actually like the most concise like thinking about it now because like you know if you listen back to the whole album as we all did because we hate ourselves because because we hate ourselves but also we are very good audio people tm um the whole thing was about buying merch like the whole if you watch his

youtube videos it's largely about this is all the merch i have by the way i drive a lambigini or a tesla um and i'm good then i'm gonna go so you know you know he went to um you know uh so much shit's happened this year but i should really remember um you know there's like big floods that happen in the us yep um and he went as part of this kind of like rescue party but if you watch the videos what he's doing is he's basically like handing out jake paul branded inflatable bows he's giving water in jake paul branded water bottles in so he did earlier this year he did a he did another diss track against his collective haters because he had done something and like got a lot of criticism so what he did was that he wrote this while he did this diss track in a

supermarket um which was called where y'all at um and one of the lines in where y'all at is uh where y'all at when i was um in the classroom handing out backpacks and handing out t-shirts and this was like his like redemption song which was like mr paul you can't be in here this is a school it's very telling that if you look at sort of the the poll quotes uh from the article in new york magazine about the sort of the people queuing for his pop-up shop so people say well i like that jake paul has a lamborghini um i like that he names his cars i i sort of people genuinely it's it's almost like he's he's like donald trump for 10 year olds you know he is it's not just donald trump donald trump is donald trump for people who own used boat dealership jake paul has literally

donald trump as drawn by famed anime artist ben garrison rips donald trump that's right jesus christ that's correct i think um i think a lot of jake paul's appeal and a lot of his success comes from the fact that he has no discernible talent and when people when children look at that and think he's successful but he doesn't actually do anything and and if you ask children 20 years ago what they wanted to be it was pop star was famous a footballer but i guarantee now you ask a classroom of children what they want to be and it's all a youtuber but not doing anything in particular so he's got that he's got that success built on nothing tangible that's i think appeals to people yes he does make money from selling merch but a lot of the money for team 10 comes

from venture capital it comes from for example i investing in team 10 yeah well he's his millions of investment can you imagine like some guy from wall street coming down to the team 10 house and be like mr paul i really believe that we can create a sustainable but fast trajectory and growth strategy and then he gets hit in the balls by like a t-shirt gun he's like prank so paul's financing comes from chinese investment firm dan hua he's a project of the chinese government includes also includes investment from venture capital firms horizons alpha then your capital um sound ventures and a great investments then an individual investor called adam zeppelin adam what sorry it's not quite a zeppelin not quite a plane it's his own personal start

up uber the zeppelins essentially but that's what i find so fascinating is that jake paul's brand is nothing other than just success that's it it's it's because it's he literally it's the whole point is about owning lamborghini's burning couches and swimming pools and then reminding people to buy merch that will show their support for owning lamborghini's and burning couches and swimming pools i mean he's everything that jay shessy dreams to be become yeah because jay shetty is a monk and therefore he doesn't burn couches he burns himself but essentially you know it's i think that the jake paul christmas album ultimately is it's about the friends who made along the way i mean i was going to say it's isis propaganda i mean it is pretty much like the

equivalent of an ashid album but the teenagers like i can imagine when when like the next walk i when like the next christian crusades come the youth brigade will be marching to the tune of litmus i'm abu bakar al bag daddy and i'm here to say bro it's christmas day bro but i don't celebrate because it's time to destroy the kefir bro by that much by that much well guys if we want to do good deeds we're gonna have to give each other nice presents and because we know already that buying each other jake paul merch is going to contribute to the sort of steady erosion of human rights under late stage capitalism we're gonna have to find something else um has anybody found any gifts on maybe a guide recently via gora gift heart heart heart

beams what are you getting us for christmas yeah i um well i was a little bit baffled by the categories because usually it says for mom for dad but this one's like for the dreamer for the thinker for the traveler and i wasn't quite kind of sure which um category for the one who says take your hand off that's the moment or right now the ones uh the one that the guy gift guide which is the inaugural men's gift guide which means last year they didn't have anything for men um but this year they've got it's basically anything that's gray or blue so if you like anything gray uh you can have anything that anything from that one but my favorite was from the personalized gift guide which is essentially just a catch all gift but with someone's name on it um but my favorite

one was a custom cut with a celebrity hairstylist which is um they call a um it's them it's uh uh it says he'll do it um all right uh hairstylist adi abhijal is the man behind some of the most gorgeous red carpet in irl looks here he'll do yours price upon request where so it's a custom haircut uh which is essentially a haircut yeah i mean like a standard haircut is just a wig isn't it yeah it's i mean it's they're suggesting that if you don't get the i mean i don't understand why there's something price upon request on a gift guide because the idea of a gift guide is it's telling you well here's the present and here's how much it costs so i'm learning nothing from

this gift guide apart from some someone can cut my hair and it's customized because it's my hair as opposed to an off-the-shelf haircut i suppose i don't know if he has you can have any slogan you want shaved into the back of your head yeah so there's so there you go it's a customized uh a custom artisan personalized haircut thank you gwyneth paltrow for my alt right do that's that's actually incredible i didn't even see that today do they like post the barber to you like how does it work i think you you have to live in one of the bits of america that's not ravaged by fentanyl and then there's going to be someone who charges a thousand dollars for a haircut there

there was another one that i liked which was in the guys gift guide which was the vinyl club membership so for two hundred ninety nine dollars a year it's you get sent a vinyl which is it's it's designed for people who like the idea of having a shelf with vinyl records on but don't actually like music and don't listen to them because it's one of those where it's like sometimes you see an interior design program where someone will buy will pay someone to just fill their shells with books and they don't care what books they are it's just i want a shelf of books and it's so so this is if you just want some vinyl sent to you you can have some vinyls uh you don't get any choice or any say it's just a random vinyl

whether you like it or not that's the one you're having and every vinyl record is a copy of take a knee my ass i won't take a knee or litmus of course yeah oh yeah yeah and we start a company that fills your house with books but they're all mine camp but yeah but i look smart with all these books it's like wow you're an interesting guy what an unusual person one copy not enough and they're all signed but they're all signed by jake paul the furia is truly lit i've got a good one um so this was in the dreamer collection and it's a laptop brush say goodbye to your dirty laptop this this handy brush is a simple easy cleanup solution to your dusty keyboard and screen it even comes with a beautiful natural beach wood

sleek shape but you can stash in your desk drawer done and done which is also what i say when i finish masturbating ah time to put it back in my desk drawer done and done say goodbye to your dirty penis so i i feel like you could use this for two things one i've sort of alluded to which was after you've had your posh wank the plank i need to do the cleanup uh you know ed you have you know just to avoid any like loose follicles of semen um follicles of semen hacking around your keyboards because you really are a volle cell aren't you i i understand how sex works no fap for strength um and the second one is if you own someone online and you can't necessarily brush your shoulder off you just brush your keyboard so i'll be doing that every time i at donald

trump with sir sir have you no shame do not respect the office or the office breed referred to the original british tv show or of course when someone finally seizes power by saying that donald trump's tan is bad and that he has bad taste and they want him impeached so mike pence can abuse everyone only total respect for my president eric garland he also uses the laptop brush my president is that president emin told cheese he'll never let me down i've got a really fun one look this is not the most expensive thing on the goop gift guide that would be difficult and but the thing is i think is the most insidious i think it's the most disgusting one which is and again you're gonna have to let me get through this entire thing and explain why i think it is otherwise i'm gonna come

across as a horrible person okay which is design and construct a girl friendly classroom and this is essentially what you can do is who is this a gift for well it's that that's that's the main question this is twelve thousand dollars but nice and you can have you can sort of pay for care to build a a safe space for girls in a secondary school which is a good goal and that is something that we should be doing she's a bulletproof bunker to protect them from mass shootings the problem is is that we have to remember is that this is part of a curated lifestyle gift guide that like is that essentially like basic human rights are being promoted as part of a curated fucking lifestyle that yeah because basic human rights are a privilege

yeah well yeah that's the thing that's why only white people have them and so you it's essentially what what gwyneth paltrow is advertising as something that it's a privilege for sort of rich white people to provide is a safe space for like girls in africa to learn as though that is something that should be left up to privileged white women this is why i'm trans black no this is why i'm a pesadist fucking burn it down wait so is this group gift guides i'll just do gwyneth paltrow is that the vibe i'm picking up yes this is gwyneth paltrow's gift guide oh amazing oh the one who sells the crystal pussy eggs yes the same one because that's the thing too to the to the wealthy there is no difference between crystal pussy eggs

and building a school in africa yeah um yeah so i had some that i found um i i have three basically okay they get they go up in order of extremeness um so number one um is the the cashmere raglan crew uh sweater comes sweatshirt and genuinely includes the quote no longer do you have to choose between the qualities of a sweatshirt or a sweater finally finally i don't understand the difference between those two things um and it has this brilliant line in it which is like um relaxed yet not at all overwhelming ah those damn sweaters slash sweatshirts so overwhelming i like find myself brought to twiz to twiz to twiz um that is uh 320 dollars um 100 short of being a good sweater um it was 100 extra i would have bought

next in the pursuit of happiness section we have the aero pipe which is a crack pipe i was like that looks like a crack pipe and i kicked on it and then it says note this item is intended for use with tobacco only buyer is solely responsible for knowing and abiding by the local laws in purchasing and using this product must be 18 plus to purchase it's crack pipe and that's why it's a pursuit of happiness drug dealers don't tend to ask that question yeah to drug to drug dealers id like the conscientious drug dealer and number three my personal favorite um although it's almost less good than the crack pipe is the og necklace and now this is in the section of like uh the for the lover in your life so someone who

who quote quote loves all this doesn't apply to me yeah it's not great um so it's uh this is a necklace that says 10 and a half and it's for when your girlfriend is better than a 10 out of 10 um and so you get this and it's uh and you have to allow two weeks of shipping because it's custom made and it costs 10 thousand and fifty dollars no which is in a way 10 and a half the more i sort of experience um this sort of turbo capitalism the more you sort of realize that inequality generates ridiculous stupidity because the more the more sort of concentrated wealth gets the less each individual dollar or pound or whatever freaking ether is worth is worth um so less rather each individual unit of currency is worth to the holder of that currency and so

you know it's it's the these are people who are so sort of far from poverty so far from poverty that they're willing to spend you know 10 000 on a high you're not quite an 11 but you are a 10 and a half uh necklace or one of the other of my favorite goop gift items is a room spray that makes you smarter derived from crystals oh nice um the limitless room spray a new a new tropic room spray that costs like 60 dollars brain force mist yeah brain force mist and essentially it's it's what we're creating is an environment where the increasingly tiny population of people that has any money is able to uh weight waste it population you're that on precisely nothing precisely nothing which is why you know we we need it's not enough simply to

you know it's not enough to to tweak this particular system it this this this christmas episode should prove that it's actually broken yeah this right is why i actually don't use currency anymore to buy things i only barter with my own semen because it's one of the few currencies apart from bitcoin which has inherent value well there's an increasingly complex math equation to create it yeah that's basically and everyone on earth actually has a record of my semen every time that's why i only masturbate on the blockchain because i am transparent so the one christmas gift that i could unironically enjoy that doesn't make me want to destroy the west unlike goop unlike jake these consumerism for their own sake brands um is this daily mail article

shockingly enough and i'm gonna read the headline and i'm just gonna swell with pride as i read it heartbebes has in fact um uh if you like foreshadowed this i'm 53 separated and skint nodule for raj reveals the price he has paid for brexit claiming the referendum triumph has left him unable to walk down the street alone in case he's attacked i love the way he implies that brexit made him 53 if it wasn't for brexit i'd be a young man he was benjamin buttoning until yeah he's like the benjamin button of like euro exit propaganda well it's what i find so wonderful about this article is that it's and if you can see this trope among kind of you know right wing reactionary dipshits also known as your dad which is essentially that like they're almost proud

of how much everyone hates them yeah it's a pretty big move i mean that's something that we're also proud of here on trash future but sometimes you know what what can start off as an and and sort of a relationship based on animosity can come through to a bond of true friendship and this is where i'd like shout out to friend of the show j reiner who we we in in in with a hot head called a food dipshit on this show i did but turned out actually to be a food comma good person yeah he seems to be a nice guy i heard about this um i heard about this how how does that happen i realized in our interactive with j reiner he's like seems like a genuinely decent person i think i was biased against him as a member of the british press no we're scared of j reiner now because

the revenge of j reiner happened and it happened to me um when we were supposed to record the show on friday and i was too sick to come in sure what what i love about but what i love about this this unfortunately daily mail please no one who listens to this log on to the daily mail to um uh look at boobs yeah well very under net net neutrality like that's the only place people under under net neutrality we're only going to be able to look at um official goddess mea califah's boobs because ajipai respects women actually when feraj in this article is asked how he is he says i'm okay but the interviewer says he is red eyed in his voice his raspy a few days before he met he was in been hitting that reefer it laid him low for 48 hours which i imagine made him feel

pretty sorry for himself again this is the same thing as um another sort of prominent it's host and chud boy charlie palmer trump trumpy conservative uh alan dershowitz said he's on the trump diet which is that when he he was losing he was losing weight because he was not being invited to dinner parties anymore but he puts that on as a badge of pride wasn't the trump diet just eating mcdonald's and catch up for every meal well there's that's the trump diet for trump the trump diet for trump supporters it's just everyone hates you starvation because no one is sushi milk to own the lips with starvation because people hate you and the only thing that you know how to cook is craft macaroni cheese it's it's it's this sort of relentless sort of almost if you're like

um a triumphal approach to being hated but that's how you know you've succeeded is if you know if you're an idol for us you can't walk down the street without being egged he knows he's one well it's the embodiment of like i'm not mad actually i'm laughing no i just i just uh think that if you if you read carefully some of that some of the things he talks about in the in the uh in the article um is is almost like it's just on repeat now it it's almost going through the motions now that we've voted to leave the EU he's he's hasn't got a place in society anymore almost because he's in a lot of ways his job's done he's looking for relevance again so he's he's coming up with um stories that he's told many times before if you're a close follower of

Nigel Farage he you'll be familiar with his lemon sized uh rock hard left which have you heard of this before um it first came out in um i'm just looking up now on my twitter and in march 2015 he did an interview with the the telegraph and one of the main pull quotes was my left testicle was as large as 11 and rock hard um and this is a it's some kind of medical emergency where he went into hospital and his and his left testicle was as large as 11 and rock hard says like whenever he watches videos about a Singapore star he mentions it he mentions it again so i imagine now that he just mentions he's got a few anecdotes a few stories he's got the one about his plane crash he's got the one about um getting uh locked in a pub in scotland because people were protesting

he's got the one about his left testicle been large large as a lemon and rock hard and he just repeats these same stories like a the world adult man in a pub oh my god what is it it's it's i think it's there is an increasing like tendency of everyone on the right to sort of validate themselves only by how much other people hate them which is i think this that's why this podcast is on hate you on well it's it's this um it's this idea of i think it's it's why i think sort of conservatism is really a movement that's driven by pure spite and it's based on just a pure really almost distilled uh i think desire almost to just be like domed by the entire world like i'm relatively certain that nodule forage is only able to achieve an erection

when he's pelted with eggs every time he tries to leave his house well nodule forage actually doesn't achieve erections anymore his left testicle simply becomes rock hard and the size of mine i'm i'm i'm aware that everyone in my house is pressuring me to make dinner now so can we get some final assessments from the ball yeah uh nodule forage i think you're right and when you say that he takes pride in this kind of is hard done by but i mean 20 years of um of a career i mean he looks like a man who lives on a diet of um like eating roll-up cigarettes if you look at his it just looks i don't know but my favorite my favorite quote from the piece was when they described him as a military history

enthusiast which is a a really nice way of just saying that see but they're obviously being the daily male that can't say that's like he is island arch that's the thing about nodule forage i have a story about nodule forage in which he struggled to do the evening standard crossword a few years ago and i saw him um and he would visibly looked frustrated and he got more and more red and then he just threw the evening standard across the across the train mate well you even ran out of the of the wagon while crushing his left testicle you need you need to buy him you need to buy him some of that goop uh genius brain force room spray which by the way is the real horse shoe theory and the crack pipe maybe we could just get Nigel on to crack and then he'd

feel much better maybe maybe crack is medicinal and if you smoke enough of it your left testicle become less engorged because the moment he does look like a man who swallowed a lemon which means he swallowed his own left testicle i mean if anyone was going to get self-sucking surgery it would be nodule forage it's like nodule forage and Marilyn Manson inhabiting one forgotten corner of the vent diagram uh heartbeats thank you so much for coming on it's been a genuine pleasure having you in the ball thanks for having me a pleasure boys let's all say goodbye and let's go have some fucking dinner so

so so