TRASHFUTURE - TRASHPAST (ft. Pierre Novellie)

Episode Date: August 18, 2017

It's the first Edinburgh episode! Pierre Novellie (@pierrenovellie) joins 2/3 of the garbagemen, Riley (@raaleh) and Milo (@milo_edwards) to talk about the past, which we hear is the new future, as time is a flat circle. We talk nostalgia, erotic illuminated manuscripts, and a problematic confederate monument to haemherroids. We also talk about some technological things, including dumb inventions and some more sinister inventions. If you're in Edinburgh, and by some miracle tickets are still available, buy them early and often to Pierre Novellie, 9:45 PM every night at the Pleasance.

We can't even make our frontiers go to work, like in Mexico where they realize they're going to work. 10% of the teachers pay well, I'm just dead teachers. Genuinely, Mexico, every year, the president of Mexico will go, another billion dollars for education. And everyone goes, wow, as far as they have pads in there. And then it all goes on iPads, and then the iPads get sold immediately by the people who get them. And the rest of it gets nicked or intimidated after them by drug cartels. And nothing changes. And Mexico has a worse...

The best state school in Mexico has a worse literacy and numeracy rate than the worst school in Uganda. Wow. But once society is corrupt, it doesn't matter how much funding you give it, the funding will pass through the little holes. But what we haven't realized here is that due to the LeapFrog app, the cartels all have excellent spelling and grammar now. They're on Duolingo as well. They're working on Mandarin. They can be corrupt in so many languages now. The drug cartels are really expanding their business due to the learning apps.

But also it's really simple linguistically because you just need to shoot, cut, head, child, money, now, drugs. I've learned double entry bookkeeping. Our laundering has gotten so much better. That sentence is basically how my Latin was taught to me in school. The longest sentence that I learned was, I kill the little girl with a spear and throw her body off the bridge into the river. Oh my God. And that's all the grammatical stuff about location changing. Was your Latin teacher like a serial killer who was using it as an outlet for his... He was like a cry for help.

And also I've just realized I've never met a Marxist who wasn't taught Latin. Oh my God. What a revelation. What is it about Latin grammar that inspires a Leninist revolution in people's hearts? I suspect it's because we want to overthrow the state that has treated us so cruelly. Well, that's it, isn't it? It's like Che Guevara was a very fancy sort of eristic, landed aristocrat growing up. He played rugby because Argentina, you know, they play rugby in their upper echelons, polo. Oh yeah. He'd been known to chop a pint from time to time.

Absolutely right. Wear a mankini on a night out with the lads. Oh yeah. Che's initiations. Brutal. Apparently on the pitch he was called El Furibundo. The fuse, the firework or something, or like a firecracker, because he just was vicious. Prop forward. Yeah, would just explode and start fights and it was a big deal. The cat people on the other team.

Yeah, yeah. Well, he's interesting. No one talks about when he went to Africa is the most interesting thing about Che Guevara. When he went to the Congo and tried to work his magic. And it didn't all work. He didn't know how to play rugby there. They were confused. He blamed it on some racist ideas.

Black people are too stupid to understand how good my ideas are. Fuck you, the Congo. I'm going home to South America. All right, all you hosers out there, Internetland. That sounds like a term from Grindr, like for a certain kind of gay man. There are so many subcategories. Oh, I didn't know he'd even started. That was the cold open.

We'll just cut in at some point. No, that's the... He opened a video going, well, the problem with Africa. I'm more than happy to go. I've said it on stage. And when I say South Africa's violent, I don't mean like, that's the thing with Macron. He didn't say a race. He's in Africa.

Plenty of white South Africans who, myself included, are too content with violence going on. It's because life's cheap. In the UK, they lose their mind. Some school kid drowns in a river on a trip. It's like a national thing and all the head teacher, oh, he was a wonderful boy and they'll pick pictures everywhere. So if that happened every hour, eventually, they'd just go back to covering Bake Off. They'd just stop caring.

Another one. They're just filming the Bake Off and someone tumbles off of a cliff in the background and they're like, ah, the inconvenience. Eventually, it just becomes like weather to you. People falling off cliffs. Yeah. People dying because of the weather. Yeah.

That's very Russian. Like, icicle falls on your head from a rooftop and you die. Everyone finds it amusing. From the roof of like the really tall, like Soviet blocks of flats. It just squaw, it gets fast. It's a classic. And every Russian knows a school friend of theirs who that happened to. And they all tell it as an amusing story.

It's like, ah, yes, my friend Dima when we were seven. Yes, icicle fall on him and he'd die. And you're like, oh my god, like, here's what happens. Their sense of humor is I had some Russians at my school. They would. Yeah. That was their favorite kind of sense of humor. Just death.

Death and sort of like grim hand of fate. Slapping you out of the sky. Yeah. You were telling me yesterday about that town where the mayor, the mayor's wife owns the paving company. Ah, yeah. There's this town near St. Petersburg where the mayor's wife owns the company that repairs the road and the mayor pays like thugs to like smash up the roads with hammers at night. And one day, like the police, some guy that we met who was from there was telling us like,

the police found these guys smashing up the roads for like his local thugs. He's like, so we're watching this. The police gather their car. We think, oh, they're probably going to arrest these guys, smash it. They're just like, the police started helping them because they realized that these guys were being paid by the mayor. But also the police were like, well, this is the only money coming into our shitty village. So we'd better destroy the road.

Their only industry is smashing roads. Yeah. Is arbitrary road repair. I can't wait for them to eventually automate the process of smashing roads. And then what they can do is they can build a truck that on the front of it has a bunch of piled drivers smashing the road. And on the back of it has a paving machine repairing the road. And it's driven by Google.

Yeah. And on the top is just a money funnel. Money into the money funnel. Well, it pulls Gucci handbags into the mayor's wife. She swells like a queen aunt. Ready to birth hundreds more villagers. Oh, yes. To smash the road.

I love like Russian. And that's the iconic Russian creation. That's actually they just had lots of Queen Russians in the Urals. In the Second World War, just dispensing troops. Well, I think what happens is actually a Queen Russian is when a bunch of Russians get their tails stuck together. And they fuse. And they fuse. They become a Queen Russian.

Loads of Russians arm wrestle drunk. And they arm wrestle so powerfully. Yeah, their fists form into this kind of ball. You already adopted the Gucci handbag. I was raised by it. Born in it. I recently received an offer from a tutoring company. Uh-huh.

They said that there's someone they want. Because, you know, I've done some tutoring in the past. Sure. They said that they want someone to tutor their kid. The salary is 150,000 pounds a year. Okay. But the parents see him like once every two years. So I think this is a kid.

You must be sucking some dick for that, surely. There must be some weird claws. That's like your dad. I think this is a kid who actually was raised by a Gucci handbag. Easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, having met some of those families, I think the Gucci handbag might be the best option.

Like sometimes like an inanimate object is safer than any of the animate humans around here. I'm fascinated by people who have a level of money above a certain level, like income per year or total. Because there was something, I was reading something there. It's like once you start earning above say 300,000 pounds a year, it stops making a difference. Because that's enough per year to always have the best of everything and not like run out of money.

And any more than that is like, well, you can't have two good stakes on top of each other. Like you can't have seven dinners. You can have one dinner and enjoy it. Okay. Well, challenge accepted. Yeah, but you see what I mean, right? Like you can only climb into one private jet at a time. You can't fly in two.

No, that ties them together. Just run between them and the sky. It's incredibly dangerous. You have to lash a chariot on the back and call it the Helios. You're flowing across the sky by two private jets. Like billionaires start dying in amazingly hubristic ways in an attempt to spend more money. Icarus syndrome.

Yeah. That's what they'd call it. I tended to sail the world in four yachts and a submarine at the same time. I had myself cut into four pieces and frozen. And yeah, just my mind is in multiple bodies now. So I'm having sex with like supermodels whilst also learning chess from Gary Kasparov and being a supermodel who's having sex with me. Models having said Gary Kasparov.

Yeah, it's all in this horrible bundle of decadent. I think that's Elon Musk will eventually become the hive mind and he'll do this podcast that regularly rips on him. Yeah. I think Elon Musk is the terrifying, benign, creepy weirdo that we need to lead us into a kind of gothic pre-Warhammer 40,000 society. Okay. Give me what you've just told us about that.

You said the magic word. It means we're not talking about any of the shit I have planned. We're just talking about Games Workshop in the Games Workshop universe today. I'm happy with that. I think that that's basically what Elon Musk's Mars society is going to be like a horrendously violent middle ages. No, no, no. It'll be the adaptive mechanics.

It'll be hovering skulls with scalpels and things. My dad's legal partner was in the same year as Elon Musk at school, at Pretoria Boys School. Okay. They did math together and stuff. Yeah, it seemed nice. Very shy, really quiet. Keep looking out the window at Mars.

Pay attention. Every time he saw someone driving a car, he was like... So like, come on. There must be a better way. Come on now. His early experiments with just bricks on the accelerator didn't go well. Yeah, it was just a treadmill that he rewired so that he would fuck with the voltage. See someone with a superman t-shirt and he'd be like,

something looks wrong about that guy. Why doesn't he look more like me? I've said this before and I'll say it again. Shelby cast. We shall. Alia yack to est, as they say. What does that mean? The dyes cast.

Oh, that's a good one. Wait, who said that? Caesar, when he crosses the Rubicon. That's what it is. When he finally gets a fruity drink. As with all classical quotations, do you mean who didn't say that? Yes, I do. Who made it up later?

Who did Herodotus tell us? He said it, yes. That sounds like a classic Amianus Marcellinus, a bit of an apocrypha. All of my Latin comes from contact highs. Like I was never taught it. I've learned enough to understand. Salvia, like. Yeah, genuinely.

I've learned enough to understand. It's salvia. Oh, yes. Oh, God, that's something to do with gold. Many hellos. That's a late pronunciation, isn't it? I only know this because I did Aznec. Okay.

So for the listener, that's, I have a degree in Anglo-Saxon, Northern Celtic studies. Because you want it to be employable. Yes, of course. As a Viking. Yeah. To understand what they are. Help them communicate with other Vikings.

Yeah. They might be on a joint pillaging venture, a JPV. Yes. There's an app where you can find each other. For a raid. V-I-K entry. Air longboat. Raider, but there's no E.

Raider. So you know it's an app. Like a monk finder. We're like Tinder swiping monasteries. Yeah. Yeah. Look at that. Look at that.

Just care for light pillaging. Oh, shut up. That's not true. If your monastery has under 14 tons of gold, swipe left. Look at those Romanesque arches. Yeah. That's been a victim of the 10th century monastic reforms. But then the last monastery you raided saw that you were online and was like,

oh God, I was just on it for a joke with the other Vikings. The monks posing with their valuable triptychs. What a slut. All those gold leaf books, first traps on Instagram. I love when I get sent a nude illuminated manuscript. Oh yeah. Or just a sort of bejeweled cross. I also love the idea of like insane barbarians being forced to steal books.

I can't imagine they were mad into books, the Vikings. They were very impressed by the technology that made them. They seemed like magic, seemingly. They had gold leaf and stuff. It was enough of an indicator of wealth and power that they could remotely understand. Whoever these guys are, they're so rich that they chopped up some goats, dried out the skin of the goats, resembled this nonsense, painted whatever these words are.

Like it's a lot of money and time and they go, these guys are, okay, these are powerful guys. Eat, pray, love. What is this sorcery? The things they don't teach you at Harvard Business School. The Vikings become a natural woman. The story of mankind's extraterrestrial origins. Men are from Mars.

That's Elon Musk right there. Of course. No, men must return to Mars. Where the machine dragon sleeps. An ancestral home. Elon Musk will definitely become the princups of a Titan. Yes. Oh man.

Oh my God. All of our Warhammer 40,000 fans out there. For everyone else who spent most of their teen years just jacking it. Enjoy that reference. Clap your callous hands together with glee at that reference. Oh, there's some calluses. Who gets calluses from wanking? How much do you have to wank?

It's a dedicated person. It's really hard penis. An exceptionally coarse. Guys, have you ever seen a Canadian penis? It's like a cat's tongue. It's like two inches long. These are all from pink. All of my calluses are from rowing.

The sports version of wanking. In England we call it rowing. So when your parents don't love each other anymore. So welcome to Trash past, I guess. But I'm going to butt in here and say after a goodly amount of cold open, it's time to introduce the cast, introduce ourselves. This is Trash Future, the podcast about how the future is trash. And joining me today are, let me hear some names and social media handles

and shock and horror Edinburgh dates. Pia Nevelli at Pia Nevelli. And if you can't spell that, no one can. It is Papa India Echo Romeo Romeo Echo. November Oscar victory Echo Lima Lima India Echo. So many times on the phone forever, forever, forever, because guess who doesn't get their post? Perry Nouvelle.

Perry Nouvelle misses a lot of packages and Starbucks drinks. That should really be your gay porn name. Or like Perry Nimbals. I miss a lot of like everyone in this city who takes an order for fast food is looking at Peter. I'd rather believe that I'm Peter when it comes down to it. When it comes down to someone from Eastern Europe having to write my name. My name is Peter Nouvelle.

Generally I say Peter Nouvelle whenever I can. Just if it doesn't matter if they don't, doesn't matter who they think I am, then yeah, Peter Nouvelle it is. Imagine having whole circles of friends who you've deemed just slightly unintelligent, who know you as Peter Nouvelle. Just sort of xenophobic idiots. Also my name is written phonetically and people say, Perry Nouvelle, that's not the letters in front of you.

Are your eyes broken? Anyway, yeah, and I'm at the Pleasant's Courtyard at 9.45pm every night telling jokes. Who doesn't love jokes? Yeah, shock horror. Yeah, my name is Milo Edwards. You might remember me from every previous episode of this podcast. Or Russian television if you're one of the two Russians who listens to this podcast. I'm at Milo underscore Edwards on both Twitter and Instagram.

Would it fuck those Russians over if we said some really, like, sort of insurgency stuff about Putin? Insurgency stuff. Maybe if we said it in Russian. Maybe, yeah. The one thing is I really don't want to get deported from Russia, so... All right, for you. You know, I'm gonna...

For you we'll hold back just for me. Just for me. The greatest president, Russia's ever had. And Prime Minister for that time he did this little seal switcheroo. Yeah, despite his brief term as Prime Minister, still the best. Still the best. At best. Prime Minister before as well, under Yeltsin.

Oh, he's... From 1999 to 2000. Once you move into the Kremlin, it's a bitch to get your stuff out of the windows and the bed's in there and... Oh, it is. You know, he's already got his favorite off-license. I know, he's got, like, his Amazon deliveries come there. It's just gonna be a pain.

You don't want to really register your bank details with not the Kremlin. Oh, no, it's a diet to nightmare. Where do you live? Like, oh, the Kremlin. It's a really convenient address. You don't have to... The Kremlin. No one ever got the Kremlin in Indiana.

Although that probably is one. Is that the Kremlin or just a Kremlin? Yeah, there is actually. I live in a Kremlin. One of my favorite comedy tropes is the replacing of the definite article with the indefinite article. It's always funny. I live in a Kremlin.

Richard Herring does a good line in it with, I saw a Shrek. Oh, the Shrek. I saw a Shrek. Yeah. The Shrek also unusual. Yes. Usually wouldn't use an article at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He talks about seeing, like, people dressed as Shrek from London Bridge. Yes. He goes, oh, there were so many Shreks. I saw a Shrek. What I love is in Trafalgar Square, you get the many Yodai. Yes. I have a slightly hacky... So when I do spots in the day to promote the Edinburgh show, I have, like, a sort of set

amount of stand-up that only works at the fringe. Some of it's about the Yoda street people. I was joking about how the one that I saw in Edinburgh and do continue to see quite often has, like, a Yoda mask that doesn't cover his neck and just human hands. And it's just like, it's not even, like, no child would be tricked. I love the idea of a kid going, it's Yoda, Mum, with his human neck and arms. It's Yoda. You remember Yoda?

Apart from a child who just doesn't know what Yoda is. God, Mum, look at that horrendously deformed man. Why is that hovering goblin got a wedding ring on? Who'd marry a hovering goblin? Who's married to a hovering goblin, man? Even he found love? God, Michael Winters let himself go. Post death.

Yeah, post death. A lot of people do do that. Ever since he turned into a hovering goblin and legally died, Michael Winner has really let himself go. So, God, Gladstone's really let himself go. He's like, a repercocious five-year-old. Wow, that five-year-old's going to have a bad time at school if he doesn't reign that in.

So, hey guys, shall we do the first segment? Lovely. I'm going to reach into my shopping bag of the boring dystopia of late-stage capitalism. Cool. We're going to pull out a product called the Tovala. Okay. What do you guys think that is? The Tovala, T-O-V-A-L-A.

The very same. Tovala. Sounds like a kind of, like, ancient God that demanded that you feast on the hearts of your children. It sounds, yeah, it sounds like a bad Deus Ex Machina from Suicide Squad. As opposed to the good Deus Ex Machina from Suicide Squad. Well, I don't even know if there was anything going on in that film. It was just gibberish.

It was like a fever dream. Tovala. Suicide Squad was just like the Brian Jones, like, cult, wasn't it? And that was basically... None of it made any sense, because they're like, we need a deniable squad of operatives. But also, we're going to send a fully-registered Marine battalion with you. So it's like, well, they're not deniable. That's the official U.S. Marine Corps.

Regiment number three. Like, we can trace everything about these men. They send a number of people dressed as clowns. Yeah. Also, make sure you keep the fancy dress. We love it up top. The brass, they're very fancy. Nothing shits up the Middle East like fancy dress.

Also, I love that one of their superpowers is just having a bat. Yeah, exactly. One of the superpowers is, oh, I'm quite good with a boomerang. Not even very good, but quite good. I'm quite good at throwing things. So basically, he's aboriginal. That's essentially the... Tovala.

So first guess of the Tovala is we're thinking it might be a plot element from Suicide Squad. No, my first... Okay, if it's a product, my first guess is I'm going to guess a completely apocryphal... It's something that they're going to claim as sort of Mayan or Incan. And it's not. It was only introduced to South America in the 30s by fleeing Nazis or something. Something like weird like that, but they go to Tovala. And I'm going to guess it's some kind of like...

It's made from seeds and it's for when your buttholes pocket and you put it on there. I'm going to say house product with a South American... Butthole seeds. Butthole seeds. Thank you. This is South American butthole cream made of seeds. Yes, that's what I think it is. I'm going in a lot.

You're listening to Bluegrass FM with me butthole seeds. Butthole seeds the third. My daddy would be furious if he knew. We're only paying the best blues and bluegrass music across the Alabama, Georgia, Tri-State area. Well, we've all been watching the news about them trying to remove the statue of Butthole Seeds the first. It was noted Confederate General Butthole Seeds. Butthole Seeds is about our people's history. Butthole Seeds was a believer in states' rights.

Specifically the states' right to own blacks. But never mind that part. Other rights as well. Like no tax on pipes. He believed in the freedom of a man under God to incur and curtail the freedom of another man. Under maybe the same God. Maybe not. We don't check.

We just get him on the bus. Hey, married to black people believing the same God. Can we check that? The last casus and supple-vated debate of 1488. Saddleback. Wouldn't it be 1488? That's impossible. Damn it.

Can we still burn witches? Are we in favor of that? We went to war with the North to stop them setting up factories for pantyhose. It's very simple. We didn't say it at the time because we were embarrassed to say the word pantyhose. Butthole Seeds and his famous- People want to use pantyhose to cover their anus. What's wrong with Butthole Seeds?

No, but- Cotton seeds, that is. Butthole Seeds and his famous all-standing cavalry regiment. Boy, can you sprint? Because if you can't, there's no place for you here in Butthole Seeds, all-standing cavalry regiment. The cavalry are poorer souvenirs. So the tovala is, let me get this straight, a South American Butthole Cream made of seeds named for a Confederate general.

No, no, no. Named for some kind of Incan Mayan fakery. Happening to share a name with a Confederate general. Yes, yes, yes, yes. Do you have a guess? And it has to be just as good. I still think, purely by the sound of the name, it really does sound like one of those sex toys that's marketed at women who've not bought a sex toy before, and they're trying to make it not sound like a sex toy.

They can't call it like the cock thruster nine million. They have to call it like- There were eight million, nine hundred and ninety-nine. Yeah, there were a lot of very violent early drafts. The tovala, it's vegan and breathable and slips right inside your vulva. Yeah, they can't, yeah, they can't call it like the foot-long, you know, whole destroyer. They have to call it Siraco. Wait, wait, wait, a desert wind.

It's a fucking Volkswagen that you put inside your vagina. Yeah, the sorceress just whispers into your vagina. No one will judge you for owning one. It Wi-Fi connects with your Kindle and syncs up with Eat, Pray, Love as you read it. Yeah, it's narrated by Linda McCartney. Not the book, just your vagina. She just says pre-set phrases about how she finds her vagina. Your vagina becomes the vegetarian wife and sausage, late, late, late, sausage, magnate Linda McCartney.

I'd love to see someone refer to her exclusively as the late sausage magnate. Linda McCartney and nothing else. I'm going to say this is much like the drinking game Ring of Fire. We've instituted a new rule here on Trash Future, which is that Linda McCartney is now here to be referred to only as late sausage magnate Linda McCartney. Which sounds like a rank in a kind of sort of Scythian tribe. No, it's in Elon Musk's Scythian. The late sausage magnate.

Yes, exactly. He controls the roads. God damn it says butthole seeds. I'll have you busted down to late sausage magnate so fast your head'll spin. Yeah, well, this isn't necessarily funny, but... Oh, good. Finally. Don't worry. Don't be shy on this podcast. There were lots of Confederate regiments that were founded or set up or administered by the kind of Southern gentlemen stereotype

where they're all like classics graduates of genuinely quite fancy universities and some of them have been to like the Sorbonne. And so they genuinely would like... Some of them had like ranks that were like Greek hoplite ranks and stuff. Wow. There was a regiment of zoo waves in the war where they were dressed like North African French Algerian zoo wave troops with big billowy silk pants. And a lot of them were like, why do we have to wear silk pants? It's so cold.

It's like winter in Gettysburg. It's so cold. And they're like, no, the colonel has been very clear. You put your little fucking... What do you call it? A pheasant. They had pheasers because they were dressed as zoo waves. Emperor butthole seeds. Sublime port.

Of butthole seeds, yeah. There are other generals, Charlemagne the first. Because they have some recordings of the rebel yell that the Confederates did. And it's a high-pitched alylation. Okay. It's not like... When they were downing pints. It's genuinely like a really high-pitched screech.

The theory is that there's some parts, there's some descriptions of Greek hoplites and stuff that their battle cry was like that. And one of the theories was that some of these highly educated, weird plantation owners would be like, we should be like the warriors of old. Because they'd like to trace themselves back to these more noble... Oh, yeah. I'm sure given them enough time, they'd find their lineage back to Aeneas. The alternative theory is that the high-pitched screeching was a... Because so much of the American South in white terms is Scots-Irish.

There's lots of accounts of the Scots in the Highlanders having various high-pitched cries. It's sort of what you would imagine, which is like a kind of base-heavy manly thing. It's actually high-pitched is much scarier. Yeah, no, I mean, it would be much more unpleasant as well. Oh, yeah, a screech, while someone just charges at you nude with a claymore. It's a horrifying prospect. I just really imagined a claymore in the modern sense of being like a proximity mind. What, just holding it out front of you?

You don't want to be holding that, pal. Okay, just to recap. I'm not going to go through the first definition of tovala again, because it would take 20 minutes. But in brief, a butthole seed cream that happens to also share a name with a confederate general from South Africa. South America. Invented by men from South Africa. Or a sex toy that somehow also is like silk pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, you're not quite right. I'm going to give you one more hint, and then we're going to start talking turkey. It's a slogan on its website, which I'm looking at right now, but I've cunningly hidden from you guys is dinner is solved. Oh, hello. Dinner's finally been solved. The thorny issue of dinner. It's an oven that relies on calculus. Every time you sit down to dinner, you just go, how can I solve this?

Look at this delicious food off a fuck's sake. Ready, steady cook scenario. You have to combine all the ingredients like mustard, pepper spray, a cucumber and a child. How do you solve a problem like dinner? That's the problem with endless tech innovation is that you do encourage people to sit and look at things that are absolutely fine and see them as a problem that must be solved. Okay, dinner. I think you've just stated this fundamental thesis. What if desks but more?

Yeah. The thorny issue of seats. What if your ass had thrusters and anyway as a seat? Yeah. What about that? It's just hovering bums. What if your butthole... That's not even a baronard conan.

What if your butthole seeds could Bluetooth sync with your seat? What if we had a seat that connected to Wi-Fi so it knew when to dispense butthole seeds? That's right. You could sense chafing. That's a Confederate statue. Every now and then, I'll rise again. Or just whistle Dixie. And then dispense a little bit of ass cream.

Yeah. A noble monument. It's about history, not hate. Nothing keeps a racist in fine form like a lubricated anus. That's right. After all that rage shitting you've been doing. You see a black person going to university and you just shit yourself with anger. Eating a perverse diet to try and make your shit white as well.

Like really, a really high fat diet. Or just old fashioned dog food. Eventually it will turn white. It's on the pavement. Is that what happens? Dog shit needs to be white, do you remember? Not to be that comedial. Vaguely.

It needs to turn white. You guys remember those days? God damn it Pierre, more nostalgia. Okay, so I think it's something like Huul. Because Huul is that thing where it's like, oh you don't need to eat ever again. You can just poop nanobots, whatever it is. I think it's something like, what's the name again? Tovala.

Tovala. Alright, I think it is a multi-nutrient paste of some kind that is both savory and sweet. And you can add it to your dishes and it will up the number of omega oils. That. It's got to be some kind of machine, I feel, that like makes you dinner, but probably using an incredibly expensive packet of pre-prepared ingredients that you have to buy from the company at a massive premium. It's like carrots that cost $10 each.

That sounds right. Yeah. They've been cut to the exact shape that fits into the Tovalas, like receiving whole or whatever it's called. For the first time in... Star carrots. For the first time in this podcast, entire history. Yes.

Is that what it is? Yeah. What the fuck? It has a receiving hole for carrots? The Tovala app puts you in charge of your steam oven. Well, I mean, I always felt like I was in charge of my steam oven before, because I am a sentient being. My steam oven is a device.

It is merely a steam oven. My steam oven is very assertive. End the cycle of rebellion from your steam oven. Your seditious smart home. Troublesome Mongolian tribe of a steam oven. Never fully crushed. Is your steam oven plotting against you with your toaster? Do you suspect it?

Yeah. Does your steam oven refuse to send you yearly tribute from the hunting grounds to the north? Well, no more. My name is Tovala the steam oven, husband to a murdered son. I kneel to no man. What you have to do to subjugate the steam oven is to rape its wife, the kettle.

Only then will it respect you as its leader. You have to kill a biggest steam oven in front of it. And then it knows. Oh, shit. So basically the Tovala is a microwave, more or less. It's a microwave and steamer. We're all steamers here at the fringe, mate. And it connects to your Wi-Fi.

It connects to your Wi-Fi and you control it through your phone. And what you do is you order extremely expensive, I won't say how much yet, recipe packs. You put them into the Tovala and you hit go on your phone. And then it basically turns that into dinner. And it steams the bejesus out of it. It steams the bejesus right out of it. And you can use the off-run bejesus to cook other things.

You can use it with the bejesus. So I'm going to turn my computer back towards me for a sec because there's one more little bit of guessing. A smart oven that takes pre... that you have to order your meals to use. So you can't just use with your normal grocery store food. What do you think it is? What do you think the price is in US dollars?

Cost of the oven itself. Just the oven. The rebellious oven. No, the finally a docile and obedient oven. The loyal oven. A temperature which you decide. Instead of its demibrain. The previous pizza anarchy.

What was going on? At last it should do the northern oven tribes. Exactly, yeah. Sometimes burnt to anthracite, sometimes displeasingly tepid pizza. Somehow reducing pizza back to its constituent ingredients. A living pig, corn. What device is this?

A series of butthole siege slaves. The tovolatine machine. A reverser, yeah. Okay, what price can I put on oven loyalty? It's basically a microwave with some connectivity. I'm going to say 3.99. It's in 399 dollars. Price is right rules, closest to that going over.

Okay, for the sake of making it interesting, I'm going to say 500. It's bizarre, I think you guys have to volatines because it is 399 dollars. Wow. That's genuinely impressive. Thank you. I see I'm a natural marketer.

I think it's that you've experienced so many disobedient ovens that you're able to put a really accurate value. Down to the dollar. Accent maybe not. Dollar, oh yeah. You've done discounted cash flows on what your disobedient ovens have cost you and will cost you for the future.

The listener can't see, but I'm lacerated with burns from disobedient ovens in the past. The real reason you're in Edinburgh isn't because you're doing a comedy show. It's because your house has been taken over by your oven. Or I'm here to rid Edinburgh of all of its disobedient ovens. I'm like, blade. Come to slay them.

Kitchen blade. I sent him to hunt down the sentient ovens. Too long. Tovala smart oven is essentially an incredibly overpriced microwave that solves a non-problem with connectivity. Nice. And that's like $399. That's still quite a bit, but that's not the really shocking thing.

If you and your life partner wanted to get three tovala meals per week. So like three that you can both have. So six total meals. Three meals. How much do you think that costs per week? Okay, so three meals a week and that's two people?

Yeah. Okay. Consider a sensible food budget. I'm gonna say $65 a week. I'm gonna say $150 a week.

I mean, I gotta give it to Pierre on this one. It's $72 a week. Oh yeah. Do you know how I figure that out? So it's three meals a week, but for two people. So it's six meals.

And from a marketing point of view, you want to be able to say that's only $10 per meal or whatever or close to that because that sounds like well, that's what I paint a restaurant. You know, that's how fucking idiots think. Very popular in the south. Wow. But whole seeds is bought several of these.

Oh yeah. I wish my slaves had Wi-Fi. Although then they could communicate with each other silently. Instead of singing them catchy tunes. Yeah. You gotta pull a arrow what they do. Conspiring with the oven.

That's right. Yeah, just basic marketing assumptions. Oh god. Basic marketing assumptions. I wish I was good at marketing. Yeah. I couldn't figure out what it was, but I'm smashing selling it.

I think that's most people who work in Silicon Valley. They don't really understand what the product is, but by god can they sell it to idiots? Yeah, and the 399 thing makes sense just because of the overheads and especially I imagine, I don't know, but I imagine it's quite difficult to get Wi-Fi to be

within something that literally creates microwaves and is unaffected by it. So there's going to be something fancy inside of it that does that, that means it costs more. Could this be a product called lead? Just a really heavy toxic microwave. Yeah. Doesn't matter if the thing we put food in is made of lead.

But here's the thing. They originally came up with this because the company, the co-founder, David, when he was in grad school. David, the synthetic from Prometheus. I was going to say with the Goliath.

David, hello. He said it was too difficult and expensive to eat well. It's not. You ever see that Bilbao routine about vegetables? It's in his latest show where he just goes, people say vegetables are expensive. They're not.

They're practically giving them away. They cost nothing. Fresh raw vegetables from a supermarket. They rot in three days. They're like fucking buy them. Jesus. You throw them all in a compost bin. They're so cheap. It's just not nice. That's what people mean.

It's very hard to eat healthily. No, it's very easy. It's hard to eat healthily and not feel like you're feeding your mouth homework. That's the problem. Also, have you heard of this thing called food deserts? Do you mean desserts? Do you mean Glasgow? No, it's this thing. And it happens here, somewhat

here in the UK, but it also mainly happens in the States, which is grocery stores have calculated that there are some areas where it's just not profitable for them to exist. Grocery stores that sell vegetables and shit. Yes, yes, yes. There are great big swaths of American cities

where most people can't afford cars and where public transit doesn't really serve them and where there aren't any grocery stores. And so your only option to feed yourself and your kids is basically McDonald's. And this is one of the problems that this $400 smart oven with $72 a week

meals for two aims to sell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's definitely not aimed at yuppies. This is not the future that butthole seeds fought for. If only grand-pappy seeds could see us now. Microwaving

some hexagonal carrots. I love very gently feeding like a bespoke seven-sided carrot one at a time into a little whole and being like, God, the future is great.

I'm a Mexican man who are paid for their work, which I'm conflicted about. I mean, I know that in Europe Hispanic is also white and races are construct, but nevertheless it's a construct that made me rich. I really love the Americans ability to invent

racism that they don't have everywhere else in the world. It's amazing, isn't it? It's like the standard racism. They used to, they genuinely, there was a brief period where they went around lynching Sicilians. Oh, we talked about that in great we have talked about that in great detail. The Italian-American complex that Italian is a race.

Italians are POC. Italians are oppressed in America. It's like so made up. It's like hilarious. It sort of wasn't for a bit and now it is, but it's so strange that it's like, you kind of want to say to America like, you know that in Europe, Spain is white, right? Even though they have tans.

Like, they're white in Europe. They mostly have tans because it's hot there. Most of Essex could end up in the U.S. and find themselves persecuted. No one can understand what they were saying. Very tanned. And

they're like, yeah, I think we're going to have to deport her to the if only for our own ears. I think in terms of, and just to go back to the Tevala, I think you know what I'd prefer than the Tevala is a cream slash a heritage

not hate monument called butthole seeds. Yes, butthole seeds because I'd like to know that we've talked about something stupid. Yeah, I'd like to move on to something evil. Yes, yes, take a quick break. Yes, did you know up here the days of being able to

unhappily make your way through a Walmart with limited human interaction may soon be coming to an end. Oh, no, solid days about you. What dark prophecy is this the retail giant is said to be developing facial recognition software designed to identify shoppers

and checkout lines who appear to be unhappy or even angry. Oh my god. And whether or not they're checking out with 14 AR 15s because maybe they're angry because we only had 14 and they need 20 for what they're planning. Yeah.

This is like back to the billionaire thing like can you use 20 AR 40 15s at the same time like isn't what you need is string. Yeah, just pull the string all the triggers go and a lot of mounting. Big car.

The liberals are going to take down the statue of butthole seeds. Me and my 15 AR 15s connected by a string are going for a peaceful protest. Basically like I would like people in the Deep South basically believe that like Mad Max is a documentary

like that's what's happening in Europe now. And it's going to be here sooner or later and I like it. It happens when your subs are dies school breakfast. Just and you know but I'm

I'm I'm I was going to say I'm conflicted here. Endless ambulances in this part of the town to go past. We deal with the many attacks. This fringe every day I've seen three ambulances. I wish that was an exaggeration.

Dying on stage is real kids. Dying on stage. Do you die in real life? Your career can die in real life. I think you said like your Korean can die in real life. Every Santa comic has a Korean. Don't tell anyone.

But all of our great jokes about types of steamed bun come from our Korean. He's in a little rucksack. How does he know so much about Pianse? He's like kimchi material

and he's ripping Seoul. He's really got that gangnam style. I didn't want to be the one to do it. I'm a bit conflicted and I don't mean like 50 50 conflicted. I mean like 1% 99%

because 1% confliction is because I really like guns a lot. I love guns and I don't think everyone should own them and I don't think children should be allowed to lick them and blah blah blah. Obviously not. Hang on there. How is a boy supposed to get used to

the taste of guns? If you don't let him lick them. That's actually my favorite Tavada meal. Is the Glock and Carrot special? The devil makes work for idle mouths. If he's not sucking a gun, he's

going to be sucking a dick sooner or later. If there's one thing that I want my boy shooting off in his mouth, it's a gun. Not a dick. Because of the depression. I don't mind if they shoot

themselves in the face with a gun. That's a man's way to go out. You spend years repressing your emotions and your homosexual feelings and then you shoot yourself in the head. With a hollow point. Because you don't want that coroner to disrespect you.

You don't want everyone at your funeral to think you were a sissy. That's right. I've fired a lot of firearms by European standards. Any Americans listening will think I'm like 25% experienced.

But they're so much fun. They really are a lot of fun. I get it. They're really fun. I just don't think you should be able to buy them in the supermarket. Or probably have them in your house. But in my head, the ideal scenario recreationally is that there's an underground bunker somewhere and there's like a Tommy gun

from World War II with a drum magazine like a gangster. But it's like welded to the building. Like trying to remove it would destroy it. You can rig it like that, I'm sure, mechanically. But you get to pay a fee and you go there and there's like a policeman there and there's all like you're

supervised and everything. And you could just shoot the policeman. That's right. Finally in peace. But not just that. I can't say. Big government. But you can just go down the range and just be like this is amazing. This is what it was like to be on

D-Day. And then you jerk off and go home. Just a normal fun day. There's like a Jesus receptacle. There's a trough at that point. It's like a men's room. So mates came out to visit me in Moscow and I took them shooting AKs at this place in Moscow.

Because the best thing about the Russian experience of going to a gun range is that there's like no health and safety. You basically sign a form that says if I kill myself or anyone else, it's my own fault. And they're like, OK, shoot the guns. The weird sensation you get is like, yeah, this is a lot of fun. But then like weirdly,

like how much, like, have you ever fired an AK? Only recently, yeah. Which is like one of the more like back-to-basics weapons. And like it hurts a lot to fire it. The thing is like fucking, you know, you're getting thrown backwards. What's 7.62? I mean, that's a big

caliber. Yeah. And then you're like, but it fires like a dream. You're like it is like it's fucking me up firing this. So I'm not sure how much it would fuck me up to get hit by it. The exit wound on your back is like, we're talking big grapefruit size like this.

This is this podcast is in the pocket of big grapefruit. We can use that metaphor. Actually, when they size grapefruits, they do it by exit wounds. On my plantation, we grow the sorter 7.62 exit wound grapefruits.

Them juicy ones. So but but in all those NATO round in Walmart, in Walmart, regardless of what you're buying, what they do with these cameras is they detect agitated customers. And if the customers are unhappy, store employees are then instructed to go converge on them.

Like, like, like fire and see if there's anything they can do to alleviate any problems the customer may have. That is horrific. That is one of the worst things I've genuinely ever heard. And it's all to do with facial recognition

and like emotional detection. So in other words, a lot of people with resting bitch face are going to get needlessly hassled. Like most a lot of my friends. My neutral face is one of rage. And I don't mean it, but it means that I've had a lot of conversations

with nervous hairdressers. But the thing is, because I'm just looking at my own face, not thinking about anything, but from their point of view, I'm so livid. About what they've done to my head. That I'm just staring into my own eyes, just furious and they, is everything

alright with their hair cut? I want to meet a man who's been showing the back of his head in the mirror and has actually been like, you know what? No! Do it again! You think this is what my grand-pappy fought for?

He wants to carve in like a star. Like star shape. That is just so that you can verify that you haven't been punked by the hairdresser and they haven't cut a swastika into the back of your head. A Nike tic. It would be worse than a swastika in some

ways. In many ways. In more ways. In most of the ways. Probably not quite so bad. In some ways it makes you just want to fuck the Nike corporation by committing a genocide using the Nike swoosh as your

emblem. Just do it. It would be bad in some way. Just do it, just kill them. Brackets suppress the ovens. An oven-related genocide. Walmart isn't doing

this facial recognition thing to ensure that their customers have a nicer shopping experience. They've noted in an aside, and to analyze purchasing behavior, the system will link customers facial expressions and biometric data to their transaction data. Meaning how much they're buying

and what they're spending. People who come in with a fucking livid face buy a lot of ammo and whiskey. I could have told you that. And blueprints of the local schools. Why do we have those in the gun section?

I told you, we're Walmart. We sell everything. A lot of pipe bomb guide books. Look, we sell Nigella's cookbook and the Anarchist cookbook. We sell the whole thing. I can't wait personally until

Walmart. We sell the other things, and Nigella's domestic goddess. What are they planning? A delicious massacre. A really delicious massacre. Cooking only with AR15.

Sneaking down to their fridge in the middle of the night in a silk dressing gown. Dipping a spoon into the severed head of a school child like, naughty. But I'll never tell. It's time to take a quick

break. Yeah, cause there's always been even if we were recording this in the 80s, we could always be like, you know, shaking back. Yeah, yeah. Pooper scooper. Stupid.

Is the pooper scooper necessarily stupid? It's so ungainly. And if you like, no one likes the feeling of warm shit between their fingers even through a plastic membrane. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure there are some Germans. I said I shouldn't have said no one.

No one. A statistical majority. I went to a outside of the Netherlands. I went to a club in Germany. Yeah, boasting again. That does in fact have a slice a party they do occasionally.

Yeah, poop room. Does it mean it's like a really bad party? It's just Cindy's. The music is so poor. Oh, the drinks are warm. Oh, really aroused by poor next week. We've got a Martin McCutcheon studio album.

Oh, then I'm blue and now there's no power to the venue. It's terrible. Drinks have sausage rolls in them. Well, it's disgusting. Not vodka, it's soap. Soap flavored gin.

What happened was when basically there was this old club called Ostgut in Berlin in the 90s. That was like a gay club in Berlin. That closed down.

There's a cool gay sex that in Germany in the 90s. East boating. I'm taking the boat out east tonight. Well, let's have a good evening. That changed into Burgheim, which is

a club I was at recently that is very good. But if you have a Scheisse party, that's the thing. Because that's what would go on at Ostgut, but it got popular when it became Burgheim. They opened another club within the same building where

you don't ever have. In Burgheim, you don't have Scheisse parties. There's a lot of like sex that goes on on the dance floor that's just fine. That's just par for the course there. You go and you're going to see some sex. What they have done is they've opened

another second club in the basement called Lab Full Stop Oratory where they will have a once monthly Scheisse party. What does that entail? Do people just like throw shit at each other? They've rubbed shit all over each other, right?

They poop on each other's faces and stuff. But I'm sure everyone just leaves with like hepsy. It's so dangerous. Bad E. Coli. Not that good E. Coli that we've heard so much about. Oddly enough, Robert E. Coli.

This is about heritage. We have been living in feces for thousands of years. If E. Coli was wrong, then the good lord would not have made E. Coli. E. Coli is wrong.

I don't want to be right. I never want another solid shit in my life. This could either be like southern generals or alternatively just like people who own London chicken shops. E. Coli is a way of life.

Here at chicken cottage. You feed the customer, they eat it, they shit it out too quick. They're hungry again. Make more money. It's a genius business model. It's not in their bodies long enough to be nutritious.

They have to return. I don't understand how any chicken shop in central London stays in business. Oh, I do. It's a delicious kind of crime. But it's also just like chicken as a meat is so cheap.

You can literally buy a whole one from Tesco for three pounds. A whole chicken. That's like a week of meat. It's a meat week. Three pounds. Three pounds a week. That's a week you have every year. We now join Pierre live on meat week.

We have the Jeremy vine of meat week. I'm sweating. I'm tense. There's all kinds of infographics around there. Okay, it's 14 kilos of beef so far. There's been a lot of mince in the studio. 30 whole chickens. Chicken is so cheap that

like and the wings they sell, you can tell are the sort of BC grade wings. There's not a lot on them and they're just like the double bone element rather than the full wing. A sack of those frozen from God knows where

is like a quid. God knows where Indiana. Moon chicken. That thin moon chicken. Grown on Mars by Elon Musk. And the low gravity means that the muscle does develop thin meat.

Like actually they could make it more meaty at no extra cost but they just don't out of sheer spite to keep people coming back. Elon Musk wants the world to lose weight through A, eating less chicken, but B, eating more E. Coli per chicken. That's right. So guys,

now that we've decided we want to talk about the evil thing rather than the stupid thing. And I'll save the stupid thing I found for next episode. Do you feel like Google or rather a Google offshoot called Jigsaw has quote, declared war on trolls,

launching a project to defeat online harassment using machine learning? A project to like clean out the undersides of bridges. Safe passage for all goats. Or just all long abandoned

dwarven mines. Must be made safe. I love the idea like they have a cave troll and then someone bursts in through the door and it's just being like all lives matter. I just thought you ought to know. Someone bursts in and says,

well, why are you atting me? Has anyone added you about your comedy show? I had this one guy and he might be dedicated enough to listen to this. Was it drill? I wish it was drill. I'd be so happy.

Because I was I've been in the MASH report on BBC2 recently and I might be in it today. I don't know. But all seeds. The meat week stuff is really going to be. That's solid satire.

They're doing the edit as we speak, so I don't know yet. But I used hashtag the MASH report to take selfies of me and Jason Forbes from Daphne. This is weeks, weeks, weeks ago like pre the first episode. I vaguely remember this.

I keep an eye on your social media output. This guy was so furious at how much he hated the MASH report that he clicked the hashtag and scrolled down until he found me. And once he found me,

he could see clearly from the context that I was claiming to be in the MASH report. Ah. But I wasn't in the first episode. Which is what he'd just seen. That had so enraged him. So he thought, well, I can't just say nothing. So he went and listened

to a three week old episode of my podcast and then tweeted me that that was shit, comma, just like the MASH report. Because it was the only content he could engage with that he didn't like. But it was like a weeks old thing. And also he was an Irish higher education

consultant based in Singapore. But wow. So I was like, how did you even watch it on iPlayer? Also, you've named your podcast. I should add. He didn't. He just knew. Pierre's podcast is called My Favorite Podcast and it lives up to its name. It's very stupid.

The way in which you've named your podcast means that anyone trying to insult you about your podcast really just seems like they're impugning their own faces. I hate my favorite podcast. My favorite podcast is incredibly racist. And they're just damned by their own two stars.

Well, you should be ashamed. Yeah. What annoyed me most is that this guy's Irish and it was an intro like I do a cold open to the podcast where it's me just doing something fucking stupid. And this one was, I found some fiddle music and I just played it

and over the fiddle music I improvised. It's all improvised. I improvised an Irish. Really, I always thought it was tightly scripted like this show. By the way, thank you for rehearsing all those lines. It took years to learn. The cadences. It took years to write.

It took very long. So we broke the scripted system of notation we've got for pauses and where we want to be able to talk over each other. It's all short-hand. Riley's choking on beer for the benefit of the listener and turning the color of like Trump's ass. The script is like hieroglyphs.

It's incredible. Why don't I rate that in? I played this fiddle music. Fiddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle, diddle. Just generic kind of a reel. Just like the joke was that it was pandering to negative perceptions of Ireland. I was like, oh, visit Ireland.

We don't have computers or anything from the modern times. And if we did have a computer, it would be made of old wood. Oh, it's all old and wood here in Ireland. Oh, traditions, you know. Beer. Yeah, exactly. Oh, leprechauns. And we don't know about iPhones.

You can come and indulge your American fantasy. I didn't know iPhones. We've got a log fire into pub. Yeah, exactly. And we get married at 12. Yes. And so I was making fun of that. The log fire at the first was my favorite pub.

Controversial. Sorry, sorry. And so I ended up... No, it was log of Ferris, the one who brings the log. And then even after I did that, I said, oh, if you're Irish and you're annoyed at how stupid my Irish accent was and how bad and how stupid the things I was saying,

you've missed the joke. I'm making fun of those people that think you live in a drawing of an O'Neill's pub. Obviously, that's the joke. And this guy, his criticism was based around that, so he didn't listen. But he tracked back weeks, weeks and weeks, and then bothered to listen to a whole episode

of a month old podcast just to tweet me some bullshit. Wow. It goes to show the insane, self-destructive spite that seems to control everyone on the internet. But also, there's too many people who've been told that their opinion is valuable. Yeah. It's not valuable.

No. I mean, that's basically what the Brexit referendum was all about. Yeah. Referenda are illegal in Germany for a reason. But also, it's like, you ever see that, that, that prison planet guy, Paul Joseph Watson, who's...

Imagine my shock. Who's... Prison planet isn't that Elon Musk's new venture. Well, he's... Venus becomes a maximum security prison. Yeah, enjoying the chlorine rain. And we use the prisoners to generate green energy. To power your tovala.

I would accept that. But, yeah. What I love about prison, Paul, to borrow someone else's expression to refer to him, is that he's just constantly... Like, he, one time, because he thought that liberals are all foodies, he went on camera and just kept dipping sushi and milk

and then eating it to try and own liberals. No, he didn't. He did. What are you talking about? He literally did do that. He dipped sushi and milk to try and trigger liberals who would be offended by the fact that he's eating bad food.

Well, if we can just... What? If we can convince him that liberals are really against suicide, then there's a chance, isn't there, that he'll just off himself like... What do you think about this? Imagine my shock.

When I saw that the liberal media was against suicide, so... What happened? Is this Dick Van Dyke's prison plan? Hello, Mary Poppins. Hello, Mary Poppins. You shouldn't have a job or vote. There's been an incursion in sectinon, there is.

We'll send the droids to do with it. I'd love to see Dick Van Dyke dress like that, but as the governor of a terrifying extraterrestrial prison plan. Oh, yeah, you're talking about a literal prison plan. I was still doing an impression of Dick Van Dyke, but as a terrifying racist who is actually kind of a wuss. But isn't this the guy that goes on about

he tries to make cogent political points, but he writes for that website that does think they're child slaves on Mars? No, a website that literally thinks there are child slaves underneath a Washington, D.C. pizzeria. Oh, yeah, the pizza thing. Yeah, I cannot talk about that enough. Well, I mean, you know, maybe the solution here

is to find a way that he has to, has something other, something to do other than just jerking off all day. What if he just jerked off more? You know, I bet if we could reduce the refractory period, if we found a pill to reduce the refractory period, online Naziism would just drop off. Or increase loads.

In which light bends. No, the period, because when you jack off, you can't jack off again for a while. If we can reduce that to under five minutes, I think a lot of online racism would just kind of go away. I'm pretty sure that pill is called cocaine. But then you just come the cocaine. But wait, so I'd like to.

You can get people high by coming cocaine into them. That's a real thing. If you do enough cocaine, it'll be present in your semen. Richard Pryde, I think it was Richard Pryde who did so much cocaine that it made his wife's vagina numb. Jesus. Yeah, that's a lot of drugs. That's a lot of drugs.

But just getting back onto this, because this is actually pretty hilarious. The Walmart face thing, right? No, this is the Google thing. Google's counter-abuse technology team, it could counter prison Paul, released a new piece of code called Perspective. An API.

Something which Google just does not have. An API that basically analyzes speech on the internet to try and see if it's quote-unquote toxic or not. If it's likely to be sort of really bad. But then... What like base material does it use? Like Liam Gallagher's Twitter feed? This is why I think technology is in many cases dumb,

because I tested this out a bit, and so I wrote words like, you are bad, which is 100% toxic on Google's Perspective API. Or I wrote words like, Nazism is good, which it might surprise you, is like 10% toxic on Google's Perspective API.

It's basically a word search that looks for the words good or bad and then just ranks it accordingly. But this is the problem. I mean, I was seeing that YouTube, and it's bid to rid itself of ISIS videos, has now robotically deleted hundreds of hours of incredibly valuable documentary footage.

Yeah. I actually have this up to talk about. Yeah, but like anything with sort of Syria and whatever. So like really valuable documentary footage, Gonzo journalism, stuff from people on the ground, is now all been removed from YouTube, because it involves Syria and ISIS.

That's the thing with AI, is that you can't prog yet. I'm sure we'll reach that eventually, but way, like everyone goes home. By which time AI will be deciding what's happened? Yeah. The point will be your steam oven will be deciding what's for dinner.

Yeah. It will no longer be in charge of dinner. Emperor steam oven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Emperor vaporis, or whatever you call it. This is not what Butthole sees for it.

I will not lie down. Vaping Emperor. Vaping Emperor. The Vapist. Vapist. A bunch of Vapists. Pope Vapist the first. Pope Vapist the first.

The first vaping Pope. The cool skateboarding. Vaping Pope. He announced his own selection. With the white smoke. White Vapist. By just chucking white glass. Yeah.

And everyone just went, oh, it smells like caramel. Pump, pump. Pope height beast the fourth. Pope height beast the fourth with supreme, with supreme vestments. Yes. Yes.

Yes. Nike vestments. But yeah, you can't program AI to have that natural intelligence, which is like, well, this is clearly a piece of journalism about, you know, Racker, as opposed to a video where Jordanian pilot has burned alive in a cage,

which is the sort of the difference, isn't it? AI is very, very stupid. Very stupid. This is the fundamental philosophy, I think. I'm trying what you might, what I've heard referred to as like platform capitalism, which is where there is someone who provides a sort of like a platform. So something like Uber or something like Facebook or whatever,

but then says they provide the platform and take this Uber libertarian point, like stance in terms of its content. Yeah. And so we'll then say, okay. Uber is in Uber or Uber is in Barry. I don't mean it just means Barry. I used to Uber twice. First company, second, the more German version.

Yeah. When Nietzsche was just talking about an Uber driver. Yeah. That's an Uberman. They're the people who drive Uber. You just wanted to ride. They are the greatest. The peak of humanity.

But there is this point of view that, so long as they can create a free market for something, it then ought to be free. And so it's only, I think, with great sort of resignation that they will begin like censoring YouTube content, for example. Yeah. But even then, they will always choose to censor it in the most sort of high-handed, inefficient way possible

that's completely insensitive to context. And also just total top down. Yeah. Absolutely. It's just this kind of like, by the time the king's words reach the village, they've been misinterpreted and overinterpreted by so many dukes and bishops that it's just gibberish.

I'm going to now insert the clip from The Simpsons where Edna Krabapal says to Skinner, we're definitely striking, especially because of that purple monkey dishwasher remark. Exactly. I don't remember that. Exactly. Purple monkey dishwasher.

Yeah. Because they're all whispering in the live. Yeah. Skinner says the teachers don't have the balls to strike. Purple monkey dishwasher. Yeah. Rumor spreads, yeah. Yeah.

But it seems like it's also this whole like, not only is it ineffective and that it causes legitimate journalism to become erased. We're talking about two different but related things that Google is doing, really. But also that their bold invention to have been able to detect online trolling is actually just a simple fucking control F.

Find bad. Yeah. If you say something's bad, that's bad. You should say everything's good. But also, we've seen on Twitter already that a lot of very good Twitter accounts will be trolled into being deleted themselves by overreporting of semi-flaws,

or you could easily trick someone into using the correct keywords and report the keyword phrase and get them banned. This is why... Griefing. Griefing is never not possible. Have you ever called someone a binge on Twitter? B-I-N-C-H? Binge?

It's great. Okay. What's a binge? It's because if you use the word... It's because if you use the word... It's because if you use the word... If you use the word binge, then Twitter's filters get you.

And so the wonderful collection of accounts that some people call weird Twitter, when they troll very serious journalists, very serious journalists who say, actually, Hillary won the popular vote and is president still. They'll just say, shut up, you corn cob binge.

And then they'll respond very seriously, excuse me, what is a corn cob and what is a binge? The corn cob thing is a drill reference, isn't it? Yeah. That's a drill reference. I'm not owned. I'm not owned. I say as I shrink and slowly transform into a corn cob.

But then the sort of American, like American sort of like real sort of Hillary man liberals, we're like, oh my God, this is a rape culture saying, oh my God, this is a homophobic slur. They're calling us corn cobs, everyone. Corn cobs. I mean, come on. It's just like a whole seeds for it against the corn cob

and their binges. The corn cob. You can't soothe your anus with corn. It's seeds or nothing. The corn will irritate 50% of anuses. All of you have already had corn come out your butthole and it was not soothed. Roof positive that the Lord our God,

the, um, I really like that you just abandoned that thing. I shot it in the face in the woods. This is all it's served. The point had been made. The point had been made. It was just topping. Which is something the corn cobs love to do.

So I hear. Exactly. Damn corn cob benches. He brought in a whole bench of corn cobs. That was Uncle Robert for you. Yeah. It's increasingly becoming the rape culture phrase. That's just a meme, isn't it?

It's nothing. It's, it's a no, it is just, it's like, okay, it's like out in an early prehistory, humans find constellations in the stars. We look up in what is essentially a random or I assume since it's organized by, you know, gravity and shit, semi random. Do you mean organized by the Lord our God? Sorry.

Yes. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. We find, we find a lot of there where there's not much there there. And that's the same fucking thing. What is what Alex Jones does with the news? That this Прil Mercier, like Liberals on Twitter try to organize against a drill tweet or like Google, creating an incredibly

elaborate artificial intelligence that really just kind of wags its finger at you for calling something bad. That's what they're doing. They're just finding this kind of fantasy world. In which they're just and right and which all their assumptions make sense. I increasingly take the South Park manatee line. Richard, you ever see that episode of South Park? Probably.

But they reveal that family guy's written by manatees. They just pick balls out of a tank and just drop them in round quarters. And the idea is that if you remove a single ball from the tank, the manatees stop working. Because the manatees are of the view that it's all or nothing. Because the second you say that one thing can't be used as a ball. Nothing can. Because everything has a justification.

And increasingly, that's kind of my view because I've done stand-up gigs where people have been offended afterwards. I once had to explain to a Scottish person why I, a person from Johannesburg, thought Johannesburg was shit. And they were offended because they'd lived there for two years one time and thought it was great. I was like, it's horrible. It's like crime and slums.

And they're like, no, I had a pool and a butler. I was like, no, that's not good. But here's my point. But here's my point. From their point of view, they were offended and therefore I should not have been allowed to say any of that stuff. Everyone has a mad fucking reason in their head, full of all their personal history,

why our thing, insert anything here, should never be said, never be joked about. The second you take one of them into account, well, they're a human being, why can't you take any of the rest of them into account? They're all just as certain that you shouldn't be allowed to say anything. So there comes a point where you just think, well, I won't be rude.

I'll be reasonable intellectually about it, but I'm not going to censor myself because the road ends in just going, oh, kittens are tumbling and fun. That's all you can say forever. But then that raises, I think, this really interesting question. How do we squill that point of view, which I think is quite reasonable, with a world in which also we can knock over Confederate monuments in the States?

Well, I mean, the can part of that sentence is doing some heavy lifting legally. Sorry, sorry, sorry. How about this? How about this? Odd two. Odd two? Yeah, sure. Because you don't have a right to a statue. You have a right to an opinion. No one's giving you a right to a statue. That's the thing that the American right always,

the American right wing rather, always seems to conflate. Because when you tell them to shut up, they're like, no, stop censoring me. And it's like, I'm not a government. Yeah, I'm saying I think you should shut up. Yeah. Well, essentially there's a silent, I think, in front of all of this. Yeah. You don't have a right to a platform.

You can think whatever you want. You can think that the moon is made of cheese or whatever. But that doesn't mean we're going to sculpt the moon out of cheese and put it on Capitol Hill. Because the moon being made out of cheese is heritage. Well, that is what the good Lord wants. If the good Lord wanted you to be lactose intolerant, he would have given you something worse than diarrhea.

Now eat your cheese. It's about states right to carry coal like chicken. Hey, and we're just talking about the moon here in Virginia. Not your northern Yankee moon. Whatever moon you look at in the sky. Our moon in our sky, which is different, different clouds. Then I think from up here on this cheesy. Wait, we haven't had the Steven Seagal.

Oh, shit. So Steven Seagal worked as a martial arts kind of consultant on the set of that weird like out of franchise pseudo bond film they made in 1987. Never say never again was Sean Connery. During his martial arts consultancy on this film, he managed to break Sean Connery's wrist. Oh, my God.

Yeah. I mean, and Sean Connery is a man who's fucked Nazi Sinatra in the anus. So yes. So I hear allegedly according to him. No, that's definitely apocryphal. I've had so many people tell me that story. Is there what's happened to them personally? But are they?

So I like all of them. Do you hang out with Nazi Sinatra who is senile a lot? Because of your accent, I need you to clarify. I keep hearing Nazi. Are you saying Nazi Sinatra? I do keep hearing that. Nancy Sinatra fucked Nazi Sinatra. Good for him.

Good for him. I did it. My race is way Frank Sinatra. Have you ever seen him? No, he's an act of the fringe. You can go see today. All right, guys. What a genuine like incredibly skilled Vegas style crooner who sings the

greatest hits of Frank Sinatra with Nazi lyrics with a Hitler mustache. Wow. Literally like for years now. Frank Sinatra and all his review quotes on his poster are from like the board of British Jews and things like he's very funny. Jesus. Wow. What are we doing still recording this?

Yeah, let's go. Let's go. Let's go to Frank Sinatra. Frank Sinatra. And he's genuinely like an incredible singer. It's not just a gimmick. Like he really can croon. Sounds like it may be not just a gimmick, but also a gimmick.

Yeah, well, yeah. Croon sounds like a drill insult. Then I as I slowly turn to a croon. I brought this drill tweet up after you after you said about this guy who called your podcast for the benefit of the listener. Trill says bandwagon hipster. Everyone who has normal opinions is a rat. Me, normal opinions.

You're a dumb ass because you're in a circle jerk against me. I want. I wish I could meet drill in real life. I almost don't want to. I'm worried that what if he's an AI or in terms of that as meat drill drill part of meat week. Part of me week. The meat drill.

The meat drill. How else do you get it into your mouth when you're full? You know, sometimes you just got to have some efficiency. Yeah. That's what I call my penis. Drill rotates. So he spiraled. So he broke Sean Connery's wrist, huh?

Rished. He broke Sean Connery's wrist. That's very important to make sure. Yeah. I mean, I it's surprising because late periods. Steven Segal. Whenever he would do martial arts consultancy with someone. Yeah.

Because he's so vain and can't really squill the fact that he's now an obese old person. Yeah. Now what he does is he'll grab someone by the wrist and then they will just voluntarily do a backflip. But also like. That's I guess. Is that impressive? It's not if you have the drop on him.

I mean, I know Sean Connery was a former mystic universe, but we're talking quite late on. He can only beat up gymnasts. Steven Segal can only beat up gymnast who are trying to show. I really like. Is it that the Wikipedia clarifies that he did it accidentally as though it's possible that Sean Connery just pissed him off. He just snaps his wrist. It's like.

No, no, no. You know you're working with Mr. Over forty five years. My name is Steven Segal. It has two S's when you pronounce my name. You pronounce it right. There's a there's a great story if anyone listening and you guys as well. Searches on YouTube.

Joe Rogan Steven Segal pooped himself. And it's a story about when a guy got Steven Segal in a headlock and blacked him out during a demonstration of martial arts and Steven Segal shat his pants. Oh, my God. It's so funny. Check that out. My favorite thing about the Steven Segal fact is that most of the times we've done it. Yeah.

Someone else in the room will know another Steven Segal fact related to the one that Milo brings up and it will really become a discussion of that one. Yeah. Yeah. It's he's a he's so many. So many facts about him. He's human hashtag content. Yes, he is.

He's pure content. It's the only prep I do for the show is likely. So is going on Steven Segal's Wikipedia page, which is longer than it has any right to be. Yeah. He's just a one man dickhead factory. It's just this incredible fool. It's a peak behind the trash.

Future curtain Milo Milo Edwards is many responsibilities. That's right. Oh, yeah. I'm probably going to cut when I ended the show slightly too early. What is your podcast? My favorite podcast. All right. It's really dumb and it's improvised.

If you don't like it, it's because it's I don't put any effort into it. And remember, you can't say it shit without sounding like an idiot. Yeah. That's the clever branding decision. So I have a child's understanding of your linguistic purpose. I make people say the names. All right. Goodbye, everyone.

Goodbye. Bye.