TRASHFUTURE - *UNLOCKED* Boris Gear Solid 1 & 2: Tactical Racism Action

Episode Date: November 19, 2019

It’s Parts 1 and 2 of our journey through Boris Johnson's terrible novel, 72 Virgins. Or as we're calling it, Boris Gear Solid: Tactical Racism Action. In Part 1, which we recorded live at Cambridge, we are introduced to our characters of the Boris Johnson Extended Universe. Meet such characters as Definitely Not Boris Johnson, Horny African Parking Attendant, Unnecessary Shoehorned In Classics Reference, and Woman. Bad writing often reveals more about the author than they intend, and this is precisely what we explored a few months later in Part 2 with our friend from Australia, Aidan ‘Taco’ Jones. In his writing, and with what he thinks is funny, what does Boris accidentally reveal about the way he believes the world works? What does he think of ordinary people? How is he so horny for all of his characters, and yet so deeply sexless? If you can vote in Britain and you do not want the man that wrote this book to be your Prime Minister, then you must do the following things: *Register to vote* You can do this here — it’s fast! https://www.gov.uk/register-to-vote *Get canvassing* Momentum (@peoplesmomentum) has a great resource that lets you sign up to canvassing events in marginal seats close to you. Access it here: https://www.mycampaignmap.com We have a Patreon and signing up at the $5 tier will give you an extra episode each week. You’ll also gain access to our incredibly powerful Discord server. Sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture But seriously we cannot stress enough how much voting and canvassing matters.

Hi, welcome to part one and two of our exploration of the Boris Johnson book 72 Virgins. If you are a new listener who's come here to listen to the third episode, welcome. These have been unlocked from our Patreon for you. They are parts of other episodes where we talk about other things as well. So here's the first part of Boris Johnson's book where we try to explore the overall nature of the writing and get into how horrible it is. This was recorded at a live show we did in Cambridge in this spring time. Please enjoy. I also recently I ran across a novel that I would like to share.

So has anyone heard of Harry Potter? It's cracking stuff. You should give it a read. It really like there are a few books I've read that say so much about the current state of our politics. You know what I mean? Oh, God, yeah, that's what we're doing. We're resist. We're epically resisting Trump by reading Harry Potter and deciding what house we're in. Welcome to the Dumbledore's army podcast. We're going to talk about some goblins that run all the banks. No, not the ones you're thinking of. Not them. Not them. So I recently ran across a novel that is one of probably the most

interesting things I've ever read because we all know Boris Johnson, but do we know how his imagination works because I will tell you it's overactive and super racist. Precisely, who among us would have guessed this so and he has a certain kind of haircut, a haircut, which has a particular name or name we won't say. So I will now, before cracking on to the first part of the book, tell you what the publisher says this book is. A hem seventy two virgins is a comic political novel. So that's what he did. He called his book seventy two virgins. It's about the people in my mentions with similar appeal to Stephen Fry or Ben Elton written by one of Britain's most popular politicians

similar appeal to Ben Elton. I eat none whatsoever. It is Boris Johnson's first novel and was widely acclaimed on publication, presumably in the spectator and telegraph and so on. It's quite it's quite something. So the summary they give is the American president on a state visit to Britain is giving a major address to a top level audience in Westminster Hall. Ferocious security with some difficulties in communication is provided by a joint strike crack force of the United States Secret Service in Scotland Yard. The best sharpshooters from both countries are stationed blah blah blah. Then a stolen ambulance runs into trouble with parking authorities, a hapless member of parliament who could guess who that's model laughter. Having missed late a

pass is barred from Westminster, his bicycle regarded as a potentially lethal weapon and a man going by the name of Jones born in Karachi successfully slipped through the barriers. Anyway, this is the summary of Boris Johnson's incredibly racist novel and we are going to use it as a little keyhole into the psyche of the man itself because I can promise you now this is the single most divorced book I've ever read. So this is the opening line. On what he had every reason to believe would be the last day of his undistinguished political career. Roger Barlow awoke in a state of sexual excitement and with a gun to his head, the one fading as he became aware of the other. The gun this can't

be Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson would only get harder if he knew that he had a gun to his head just like boarding school. The gun was but you're not a boy from the old years. He's a type of guy who would actually say gaggle me. The gun was equipped with an orange whale harpoon and would it have been lethal had it been more than six inches long and made of something other than plastic. How does it fit? I don't understand how it would fit onto a hand. Okay, you'll get it. Say your prayers buddy said the four year old a little bit of classic misdirection. Rogers eyelid quivered and here's this was set in America that four year old would be holding a real gun that he had retrieved from the serial

cupboards and then everyone would die. So this is where we get the first peek into Boris Johnson's psyche. I'm going to kill you daddy and that I'm going to marry mommy. Oh fuck. Oedipus the Tory here amazing. It's like boss. It's like boss baby. It's a boss baby origin story. Yeah, but boss baby X today. Roger didn't want to be rude to the four year old lest he exacerbate his eat of his complex, but he was damned if he was going to be treated this way. He grunted rolled away and gripped his slumbering wife with both arms. His t-shirt in bed was one sexually defensive in front of his four year old son screaming at my four year old son to not email my wife. I am a regular. I am not a cock.

Anyway, he tended to giving us more of a window into Boris Johnson's personal life than we ever wanted where only t-shirts in bed. So if you ever wanted to picture Boris Johnson pantsless like we need a very pornographic version and and this one was the relic of a brief but illustrious formatory leadership campaign and which are under which he had been proud to serve. It's time for Hague proclaimed the shirt while the back announced common sense revolution. Welcome to Boris Johnson's. Time for a girl. So a number of t-shirts have I'd printed about Tony Blair. So some things transpire. I mean it's a terrible book. We're not going to bother with the plot. You're vaguely aware of it. So

Roger Boris Johnson decides to check the news quote. The police launched some some new al-Qaeda raid in Wolverhampton in Finsbury, but there was one of those every week at this point. Welcome to his very racist book. Very bad. So foreshadowing. He hops on his bike and heads down to Westminster to get to parliament for the president's speech and that basically concludes most of the happenings of chapter one, which is the first and last chapter without any insane racism. The record does not keep up for long. So yeah, that's just a bit where his son tries to fuck his wife. The normal part of the book. Well, he was like, you know, I've read Kafka, but I want to make it relevant to my life. So, you know, clearly my son's got to hold a gun

to my head and try to fuck my wife. This is normal. It's one of us hasn't had this happen. This is normal Johnson stuff. Well, my wife is Catholic. So now what Boris Johnson does for us is he leaps out of the mind of Boris Johnson and because Game of Thrones style we have a lot of different protagonists into another protagonist and here is where we get to see what does Boris Johnson think recent immigrants to the country are like. I bet it's really good. It's great. I'm really open minded. Is he taking on the persona of you? It was going to be a beautiful day thought William Eric Onimaya as he walked across Lambeth Bridge. No one ever thinks that. No, that's not that's like a weird thought to have. No, people think that in very soft morick writing. He looked down

at his shoes. They were fat, dark martins burnished in blushing like bumps or buns, so he wants to fuck the shoes as Boris Johnson ever worn shoes. I think he's very confused. You know when you put on a shoe and it just feels like a freshly baked croissant. They were but what was it Buxom he grinned and thought of other things that might be classified as Buxom. Does he think that this guy has a speech impediment in his own thoughts? Why? Why is this book so unrelentingly horny? He's talking about shoes in one sentence. He is segwayed from a guy looking at his own shoes to tits. This is not as horny as it gets. It gets so much horny. So Eric went down Horse Ferry Road past the obelisks at their odd pineapple finials past the

bearded stone Victorians who had conquered his continent so many years before and began to hunt in the former Imperial Metropolis. The man who's going to be PM everybody portrays a recent Nigerian immigrant as a as a traffic warden who is hunting in the land of his former colonial masters. We love it folks. Don't we we love seeing like such exotic sites such as like the Pretta Manger and the Waitra, the Waitra's little convenience. This is this is actually the most like Tory dad thing is believing that parking tickets are somehow revenge for the Mao Mao. That's why Jeremy Clarkson got so mad at Sadiq Khan right? You have a week. I told you this book is the most divorced book ever written but at the same

time I mean he's just taking his it's like what an author does. He's taking his own life experience and he's trying to make it relevant to his character. Boris Johnson has ruined a safari by being too horny so clearly his characters are going to do that too. So um we'll um that's not the most racist this chapter gets. I'm waiting for it to be like he cracked into a carton of umbongo which I'm reliably informed is brewed in the Congo. So this guy spots an ambulance parked up on a curb the white whale. Now I will truly defeat the white man their most precious invention the ambulance. So now we have now we have a racist scene change where we switch from the perspective of

of this sort of evil but happy but dumb parking warden to four dark men ate a large breakfast at the cafe near parliament quickly said the one called jones coming back from the toilets. The traffic wardens will be here. There was a traffic wardens versus al Qaeda whoever wins again. Yes we lose and so again this is Boris Johnson's inner this is Boris Johnson's approach to foreshadowing. There was certainly something lilting and eastern about his accent but if you shut your eyes and ignored his brown skin. Meeting my daughter's new boyfriend a book by Boris Johnson he sounded almost Welsh almost Welsh of course hello I've come to establish the caliphate his his compatriots Haroun and Habib in slightly different ways were possessed of a

certain animal cruelty is that a halal reference I don't know it's it's not a reference to Michael to American football player Michael Vick yeah it's I mean it's not like it's not like a refer it's not like you know in contrast to the civilizational approach of like coming in your own shoes before you go out in the morning. I love the idea that like the way that he can tell they're internal like they're just like in this cafe but one of them is just like torturing a guinea pig or something you know. I for one love to go into public restaurants and you know spot dark men and like try to figure out exactly how animalistic they all are depending on the orders of what they or well that's just cottaging isn't it. Which to be fair is like something that does

not really cross over with the alkyd event diagram but both men had trained in the deserts in the camps in Sudan and Afghanistan Habib's tranquil exterior was deceptive in that he liked to meditate on violence and had devised some of the more baroque of elements of the plan they were about to execute. Wait so he's just like the one guy at the yoga class who's like ha they think I'm thinking about like quinoa or something but I'm thinking about torturing a guinea pig and shoes that look like tits. In the view of Habib and Haroon it was absurd to have Jones in this operation at all. It was just because he was British. He was the local talent as for his terroristic temperment which is quite a quite an alliterative phrase isn't it for Boris Johnson future Prime Minister of

this country to have written. He seemed to have absorbed far too much of the risk a version of the modern British mail. It's the most divorced book ever written. He was fine until he lived in Britain for too long and started having dreams about his future four-year-old son fucking his wife. That's what made him meek the fact that like he's got citizenship test his infant son kept cocking him and he didn't know what to do. So Boris Johnson just think that I mean he may not like suicide bombers but they're very alpha. At least they're committed to something unlike these milk toast limp-wristed effeminate Westerners. We can't let in these seven-year-old Syrian children. They're going to fuck our wives. Okay so that's essentially the incredibly racist set

up a fish book where he just indulges in just all of it and so these four guys get into an altercation with the parking warden and then a Serbian guy who says I don't trust Muslims. Oh yes. There was no animosity there runs off and talks the police. So let's smash cut to an American helicopter that's just been given a little bit of intelligence. I have found these guys who for reasons not related to racial profiling. I believe maybe up to something on the ward. You can trust me. I'm from the Serbian military. Ratko Hudec. You see this matter. Just no war crimes. Yo this traffic warden thinks he's going to go and put a ticket on this van but he doesn't know that it's full of explosives. So who's meant to be

driving this ambulance said the pilot as they passed over Trafalgar Square and made for the river. He's called Jones said Grover from Scotland Yard. What's he look like? Kind of an Arab type thing. Well, who's among us also I'm going to have you all cast your minds back to the publisher summary of the book where they said they're all from Karachi foreign secretary Boris Johnson. Well for Boris Johnson everything from like Greek all the way up to Chinese is sort of broadly Arab. He had bigger dreams of the Ottoman Empire than any of them did. In many ways he was the true supporter of the real caliphate. Oh Boris Johnson hundreds of miles away at Filingdale's in Yorkshire. The word Arab triggered an automatic alert in a huge golf ball

shaped American listening post. The pilot continued that's all that he's an Arab called Jones that and he's on the CIA's most wanted list. His father was a gynecologist in Karachi who was struck off for some reason. He's a serious whack. Too horny. Oh my god. He was wearing a t-shirt that said I'm not a gynecologist. I'll take a look. It would be kind of amazing if actually there was this very small population of Arab expats in Karachi who are famous for being really horny and Boris Johnson had just done a lot of research for this book. I mean also I like the idea that the CIA right have a listening post which is set to report every instance of the word Arab. The CIA are going to be very fucking busy but I mean that being said that CIA also had to

design something that could scan the internet for uses of the word ISIS and not the word is so yeah apparently this this this book has actually looked forward in time to our horrible dystopian startup and applied it to the fictive world. So ah yes thought so sorry back to Roger Boris who's cycling around and sees the four Middle Eastern men in an altercation with this openly Islamophobic Serbian and this Nigerian stereotype traffic warden. You could have just said Serbian. Ah yes thought Roger Barlow Boris a classic scene of our vibrant sorry of our so called vibrant multicultural society. I love that he like thinks in like a rye irony quotes so called multicultural society. The man thinks in telegraph columns

a group of asylum seekers in dispute with an Nigerian traffic warden poor bleeders what were they a? Albanians, Kosovars, Tajiks, Uzbeks, Martians, who boy? This is verbatim y'all just FYI. Yeah this is we all know the only people who live on Mars are insane billionaires. Just insane billionaires and Nazis yeah I mean we just just encourage Boris Johnson to become prime minister so we can become friends of the on musk so they can all go to Mars together and leave us alone. Mars is just going to become like the biggest swingers party ever spaceship keys in the bowl everyone we've got to populate a whole red planet so and so it transpires that Boris is then Boris is then shunted in some arc trying to find a way in the group of refugees who have

all been described as terroristic are now attempting to get the ambulance in and we're all there so he's attempting to get in to parliament he runs into another divorced guy bugbear I'm sorry sir you can't take your bike with you one of the guards snapped at the bike what's wrong with my bike it's a lethal weapon sir down to health and safety very divorced John Claude Juncker I mean I think to Milo's point this book is basically all about how he was wronged by a traffic ward and he decided to make it have something to do with Islam somehow is very Jeremy Clarkson is very much like I was so angry but I got a parking ticket in the no go zone of Whitechapel in East London and it must be you know but you know these women can

walk around in burgers yeah and they don't get parking tickets this was going on there double standards this Muslim traffic ward and stuck something on my car windscreen called a PCN which I assume stands for please caliphate now let's make some t-shirts of that note that down please you get a discount if you establish a caliphate within 14 days further more home for the real parking ticket heads there furthermore I can't let you win without a pink pass with the letter p on it now and the bloody gay lobby I mean is that what he's going for he's saying that you can't stop terrorism because traffic cops are too gay I mean I'm sorry sir but in parliament it's pride month so you have to wear this bicycle or heteronormative somehow

Barlow Boris whatever had grown up during the Cold War and went in school he'd read his Thucydides famous Cold War writer Thucydides it had been obvious to him that America was the modern Athens of course energetic pluralistic the guarantor of democracy and freedom there's a lot of people fucking kids again yeah the pizza you know you gotta invest again yeah it's much like Athens America Athens had its agorah America has comet ping pong we were just trying to pass on powerful centrist ideas to those children it wasn't a sexual I mean for all you know they might have had pizza the symposium all right that exact exactly therefore infinitely to be preferred to the Soviet Union closed nasty militaristic the modern sparta yes absolutely that is how I would not

describe any western society closed nasty and militaristic but there we go but also like nothing is like sparta in the modern world like what an insane comparison to make no society in the ancient world was like sparta like sorry to go like class if it's just like it's an insane outlier that's why everyone learns about it the Soviet Union like what that like oh yes sparta where they were all like queuing to buy bus of linen like yes as we all recall or the Soviet Union famous for defeating the Nazis with its hoplite infantry oh absolutely we all remember how that yeah also the Spartans were famous for like defeating armies of far greater numbers which was like the opposite of the Soviet strategy the Soviet strategy is like we will kill one of their men

for every 20 of ours because we're not pussies but now intercepted by this impudent security guard just feet away from the statue of Winston Churchill he felt his gorge rise I am a member of parliament he said eyes prickled with irritation Boris Johnson is not working anything out in writing this book at all now this is like the time he wasn't let into whites or something so anyway Boris moves from his incredibly racist chess piece caricatures around the board until a barlow shunted hither and yawn by security personnel who dare ask him for a form the real villains in my opinion sees some people he recognizes because he if you recall he saw the people earlier hang on a tick said barlow a little more assertively I just saw those guys in the ambulance moments ago and they

get to go through another half thought half formed in his depleted brain jones in the ambulance showed the pink pee form on the dashboard and touch the accelerator and these terrorists and their knowledge of bureaucracy that's right the main lesson of the setup of this book appears to be if only they racially profiled and did me a favor like and we I'm sorry sir but I cannot actually stop al-qaeda as I will be called racist you've not even heard the worst part of it all four of those guys as well as working for al-qaeda they work in the house of commons cafe and I went in there the other day and ordered a coffee and they charged me for a soup and it was halal yeah I just I just had to drink it right so far again I know I'm

keeping coming back to this is this not the most divorced book ever written well yeah because it's basically like a minor inconvenience slowed me down and it was al-qaeda's fault somehow and if those those those those bureaucrats hadn't just slowed me down then you know maybe I would have been I'll save the president a thing I do on a regular basis but it's not even it's not even al-qaeda's fault it's the fault of the libs like al-qaeda are just these like oh well you know boys will be boys they're gonna do that but the if it wasn't for the bloody libs who refuse to just put all of the brown people in camps as has been the system for decades and it's worked perfectly well you know you can tell like the genesis of the book was like

he was stuck in parliament we stuck like trying to get into parliament on like a rainy day he had to like go through like the yes lobby because like no one would kind of give him special permission but from the corner of his eye he sees like an indian person in a suit who's like a you know parliamentary assistant just go through the fast queue yeah that's when it starts it was like he's like I'd rather burn my own house down than deal with this if this man it's like for us just go to america I mean that's like the fucking national character William Faulkner wrote books about this this man like had has a bomb strapped him I'm the only one you could stop him it's like Mark Wahlberg insisting that he could stop like 11 by punching the play yeah it's just

in this case Boris Johnson's personal 9 11 is a minor inconvenience which is like the most which is the most divorced dad thing in the world right Boris Johnson played by Mark Wahlberg there's a four year old kid he's trying to fuck my wife so now we jump perspectives again because if there's a hallmark of good writing it's the more perspectives the better so we are now in an american motorcade american war veteran jason pickle okay okay okay hold up hold up now that is a fucking british name all right that is a god damn british name it's Eric pickles distant cousin sergeant pickle are we are we here is the most here is the everything before this has been 70 divorced this is this is the 100 divorced line

of this book american war veteran jason pickle looked out of his window and was started to see a trio of english children age no more than 11 or 12 split roasting his wife leering in at him from the side of the road they were thugged up in gray tracksuits with hoods and they gave him an enthusiastic two fingers salute this is like the most mid-2000s dad book as well yeah it's like this is like the type of so you know um this is this is like the type of mentality which got a bunch of like middle-class parents from kent to ban tracksuits in the shopping center yeah and he's written it into an action novel where racial profiling causes an attack on parliament that this old fat divorced white

man single-handedly prevents with a sword um he looked over the rest of the protest against the american president quote i guess those guys wish saddam was still in power yes yes get some those did those damn children with tracksuits disrespecting me i bet they love saddam british teenagers love three things blackberry messenger nandos and the bath party here and there across the crowd these bleeds were turning into an anti-american chorus and it took the american back to the rhythms of the cretinist songs the iraqis sang to the adulation of their dictator yeah i hate it when i hate it when the iraqis i hate it i hate it when the iraqis all like sing limp biscuits roll so let's just review the range of forces arrayed

against boris johnson's right now parking wardens his son his horny son children in tracksuits being disrespectful um brown people who are all arab even though they're from pakistan and one of them is welsh just to add insult to injury and a guy who's stopping him from bringing his bike into a building yeah and a security guard who won't give him special treatment i've long accepted that i'll probably be killed by an arab but i refuse to be bested by welshman so i really hope that's a line in the book anyway um here the book takes a turn for the horny me damn i was wondering when we'd revisit that old town road american kemron mclean looked like a character in a hairspray ad with glossy evangelical skin

and lustrous eyes because yes if the evangelicals are famous for anything it's their skincare yeah i also like if he looks like a character from a hairspray ad he looks like a woman have you ever seen a hairspray ad with a man in it no she was 24 full of energy and optimism and had the dubious honor of being roger sorry it is a woman i was misled i was misled by the name i forgot that in america you can just give any person any name and it doesn't matter not for the first time barlow was seriously impressed by her efficiency if his memory served him right and he kept a vague eye in her romantic career she'd been off in brussels last night but she was here for him in less than five minutes very divorced wait he's developed a sort of domino's pizza tracker for

like her ovulation cycle back in america when she studied at rochester university and the run up to the war in iraq she'd stuck a poster on her dorm saying let's bomb france what why rochester many like 1944 poster many american colleges were were rebaptizing french fries freedom fries but she wanted to do one better in honor of tony blair she said rochester should just call him chips he's a he's extremely horny for an imaginary tome larin essentially to me larin is stuck in upstate new york and it's like really really into calling things just being an angle file i also love that like because boris johnson's going through so many intellectual like stages here that he's gone to the point where in order to like like an american person that american person

has to like tony blair someone who boris johnson hates but the people that boris johnson hates in america hate tony blair so in that context boris johnson supports tony blair i didn't know you were gonna do a brendan article yeah before she arrived in london she had presumed that if barlow was a real tory he'd be sound he'd be staunch he'd stand full square and broad beamed in favor of family values and the rest of it i'm in favor of family values that's why everyone in my family fucks my life but once she'd written a rather fierce letter to a constituent of roger boris if not exactly consigning the man an it consultant to licking tongues of hellfire for asking if his same sex union be recognized that at least late making it pretty clear that she or roger barlow

on whose name appeared in the letter thought of the whole project to her amazement he had crossed out and written good on ya matey go ahead frankly i don't care why the state should object to the union between three men and a dog or out or two men otherwise your sincerely something which i'm currently working on again so so what he's saying is uh is his he's upset that the tories aren't homophobic enough and they need someone from america to get really mad about it what he's saying is look at me look how great i am i'm boris johnson i don't care if you're black white or purple if you're if you're gay you can marry a man or a dog for all i same thing thank you liberal toryism listen awesome we love it we've all fucked a dog i'm in no position to judge however

however that's the statue of winston churchel talking which has been watching disapprovingly this whole time this this is that's what he had under that coat this is part one of roger boris johnson's book 72 versions and we look forward to reading more of it in the future that was quite something right well you ain't heard nothing yet here is part two of boris johnson's book recorded in studio some months later with friend of the show aiden taco jones and i'd needless to say if you want to get rid of this person who is prime minister the best thing you can do is register to vote details of how to do that will be in the show notes i cannot stress enough that the only way to make it so the person who wrote this book does not control your life is to register to vote

and vote him out so time for part two of boris johnson's book 72 version i've been wasting for this look the the plot is a gossamer thin web it's not really that important so just to catch everyone up or how roger barlow roger barlow a transparent stand in for boris johnson has cycled to the house of commons to the american president give a speech at the same time for and it cannot be emphasized enough in this book muslim terrorists uh one of whom is from birmingham and called dean the other is welsh and called jones because they've been radicalized also it's welsh we still have to be called jones i've managed to slip a stolen ambulance to the cordon to pull off some kind of attack and in so doing have killed a traffic ward real mischievous

sarahson ours yeah it's so crazy that you said to me before that this seems like it's it like immediately trying to be pg woodhouse but that is the most like that is the least irreverent rompish plot i've ever heard in my like pg woodhouse would never be like they're trying to bomb the white house there would be like a maiden arm so you would have to avoid having tea with or something exactly so i'm trying to be the action version of pg woodhouse like i think the whole thing gets stopped when like they're about to bomb the president but then you know the boris johnson character turns around with a two by four and accidentally brains in yeah it's like it's that kind of thing it's like four lions but a really racist version yes exactly like dan brown with

prat faults yes so and this is actually from a review while writing the book johnson said he was quote terrified that would come across as a pg a pale imitation of pg woodhouse and evil and war i don't know i think it's a pale imitation of a book that's such an interview technique of what do you think your biggest weakness is well some people think that i sound too much like pg woodhouse having a huge ponderous dick i keep knocking stuff over with it it's no large but i struggle to get through doorways i also i i enjoy that he didn't name his main character joris bonson yes indeed so uh we're going to explore two different and three if there's time vignettes from this book okay um the one of which is the story of dean the black country terrorist

and then the second of which is the comer in that phrase oddly enough milo boris boris's book is racist enough that because this character is anglo caribbean he's frequently referred to as a quote half cast because he's only semi-employed at the local production theater i wish it were so unfortunately it's the racist version okay the role of dean will be played in the album by jelston trudeau so um yes so this is this is the this is boris johnson's theory of he has smuggled in his most like psychotic ideas into this allegedly uh lighthearted romp of a novel um so here is boris johnson's backstory for dean uh this is being re remembered as they're

sneaking into parliament to um to blow some stuff up so when has there ever been a caribbean islamic terrorist well that's that kind of defeatism is not gonna be like again milo there that's that's the kind of thing that boris johnson came up with on vacation because he wrote this over the space of a single holiday and said oh i'll make the jihadist terrorist anglo anglo caribbean everyone's gonna get a kick out of that don't laugh at the things he wants you to laugh at that's the trap abu backer al shorn paulie so life had been tough for dean ever since that fit by the way it's awfully written terrible i'm trying to make as much sense of it as i can did you say he remembers this while they're trying to break in somewhere what he has like a little like a

soliloquy yeah it's like a proust thing but written by someone who is way worse yeah the first sniff of like fucking some fertilizer sends him back yeah so life had been tough for dean ever since that dreadful night in wensbury the magistrates had grasped pretty pretty clearly what had happened and in some ways were even sympathetic but he was still convicted in a juvenile court of arson and sentenced to 400 sentenced to 400 hours of community service it was claimed that dean had destroyed prices cheese lab which was on the verge of making a new kind of hard cheese dense nutty and fissile as parmesan haven't we done that on the podcast yes we've we've destroyed a cheese lab no i mean doesn't have we reviewed them my cheese lab was shut down very

quickly now the cheese lab was given an evaluation of 47 billion dollars by soft bank and then only later they realized they were only only later did they realize they just leased all of their rennet that all their money was anonymous donations from one j ebs so dean dean then left school his record completely unblemished by achievement and fell in with a bad crowd while performing his community service i bet he thought there was such a fucking clever line unblemished by absolutely i was just thinking that that's such fucking cod like church hilly and i need to say this record completely unblemished by achievement yeah yeah and that was like that was like his one thing to hold up the rest of the chapter he was like that chapter's great

that's such a whole thing yeah that's a tent we ate it but then he fell in with a bad crowd while performing his community service it was a soft job just scraping graffiti off of gravestones but every night when this graffiti and gravestones well we find out every beyond banks every night when the cemetery was locked dean and his fellow community service conflicts convicts wane and poly wane and poly would shimmy over the gate have some drugs this is one drug please a time when you could just name a character something like wane crimes right yes shimmy over the gate have some drugs and then like panellope on her loom they would busily undo the work of the day it's not even relevant it no because boris johnson when he's

when he's writing working class characters who are invariably criminal or just um making sort of side bets on one another about how many karans are in ambulances around the uk which again they do in heavily overwritten accented english amazing um that he always has to fucking mckinsey interview question like how many karans do you think are in ambulances but when the uk but what boris johnson always has to do is insert a classical reference or some latin or whatever so you remember that he's not a dumb it's it's i believe the greeks had a word for this called pathos no it's a raffinado raffinado when you insert a gravestone into another man's anus but also i mean when woodhouse inserted like french words italicized into his books it was like making fun of that shit yes

i don't know savoir fair not having any yeah so in effect boris johnson in attempting to imitate the style of pg woodhouse accidentally imitated the style of birdie wooster he's fascist birdie wooster we've got it i mean he does have one thing in common with woodhouse which is that they both have done nazi propaganda rosh johnson watches al marie the pub landlord and is like how does he find the time to run that pub as well as doing all this so so he says uh they would shimmy over the gate have some drugs and then like panellope with her loom they would busily undo the work of the day because they did not want to be moved onto something harder like scraping the gum like a hundred suitors oh so they so he's saying they graffit all the

gravestones and you're supposed to sympathize with these characters well hang on here was the mossy tomb of hannah the beloved wife of tabias horton departed this world in the year of grace 1869 scmu wrote dean he meant to write scum but he was too stoned on drugs that dyslexia was added to his troubles oh my god he was he was too blazed on heroin i don't know i like this character now but he has more troubles i want to know who this dean is and what his other troubles are saying sc that's like a typo that's not something you would do if you were physically writing something it's not possible look boris look the thing is about the thing you have to remember about boris johnson is this is revealing his utter contempt for most

people who live in the country in the bullyington club all of our graffiti was exquisite he thinks when he goes down a train line and sees like the the acronyms that people write he's like oh poor things that have misspelled euripides he's actually spelled skeptic after a year of drifting around in rejecting every solution that his adoptive father denis could offer dean was as some politicians like to put it fuck you boris i hate you writing yourself into this as some politicians like to put it on the conveyor belt to crime but you could not really say that the state had failed young dean for a lack of resources here's where oh my god they've given him this fantastic educational job cleaning graffiti off of gravestones enabling him to become graveyard banksy he was painting

like snogging policemen on the gravestones that's how he got started here's the next paragraph this meant to be entertainment though uh yes it is and here's the next paragraph is basically all big laugh lines so do let me get through it sick if a heartless politician were to engage in gratuitous political point scoring he might note that dean was cared for by a substance abuse outreach worker at 25 000 pounds per year a crime prevention detached youth project worker at 31 000 pounds per year a burglary reduction worker at 23 000 pounds per year a burglary reduction worker at 23 000 pounds per year a burglary reduction a probation officer at 26 000 pounds per year a vehicle fat theft reduction worker at 28 000 pounds per year plus cars and a representative of

dispel a state-funded body that sees to the needs of dyslexic young offenders at 36 000 pounds aren't burglary and vehicle theft reduction officers just the police isn't that one the police that too but like all of the no they're not all of the social work like the phantoms that he's invented uh my partner actually does one of those not the probation officer one i hasten to add makes considerably less than 36 grand a year and also the entire project just got shut down by galasko city council and all because there's too much crime there's nothing to be done because all it did was invest money in that kid who kept vandalizing the gravestone they didn't even teach him to spell better on the graffiti and also uh he's acting like all of those people are just focused

on like this kid's costing the state 300 000 pounds a year it's like no those people all have full-time jobs with portfolios and also people it's in an action comedy book that's supposed to be red like reminiscing of pg woodhouse houses of parliaments at this point we spent hundreds of guineas sending all of these spending all of these criminals on a free holiday to australia and what have they done but beat us at cricket but it shows how we should have hung them all the fucking didactic uh excursion in the text like he's the fucking emil zola jesus christ it's the catalogue of ships but instead is the catalogue of the nanny state yes it's like this actually is prose below the level of something jan franco zola could write i can't

believe he didn't have a little like a small little one here with a thing to a suffix at the back of the book about how like reading material can be obtained from the uk government website www.fascism.gov so edgy so no single person really took an intelligent interest in dean until one day some liberal genius in the home office oh my here's what it is came up with the fresh start scheme so sick this is where boris johnson actually anticipates arguments about universal basic income and counters them with the following the fresh start scheme was a move evoking the excesses of 1970 sweden the idea was that they should all be given excessive like what what did you can't stop the sweet bring us other than abba and like these people are homes there is

nothing they would stop at nothing they were eating a raw fish from a can look at the most stupid the idea was that all three of them should be given a 10 000 pound fresh start fund at the expense of the taxpayer wane poly and dean could hardly believe their luck they immediately rented a large house where they lived in scenes of unremitting squalor they relieved the sudden tedium of affluence with drink and drugs bought an orange voxel astra which they ineffectively souped up and ran through the window of right price in bilston like this is supposed to be a fun little romp through um through some daring do of a because home county's dads are supposed to like nod at this and think well it it does be like that as the kids say well you know it says a lot

about his perspective because i don't think you can buy an orange voxel astra i don't think they sell them in orange i think you would have to literally paint it yourself if you wanted an orange voxel astra renting a house to these people with their such scumbags is it is it well that he's trying so hard to meet my landlord and like pretend to beat like a minor nobility i was just in like a like it's like a shimmering ball gown just being like oh i've ever so loved the bed sit he's trying so hard to like describe what's wrong with these people's lives and when he goes uh what did he say something about uh the bottom of affluence like the umber relieve the sudden tedium of affluence with drink and drugs it's like he's clearly making

absolutely no effort to understand why he's just going oh well they don't like being rich because they're bored of it it's like no surely there's a different reason why people do those things that you don't understand no and he's making no fucking effort whatsoever to understand why someone might do that boris boris johnson's worldview is that there is a group of people who are like the leisure class the aristocracy are the wealthy who are responsible guardians of wealth and that everyone else basically needs to be kept busy with a job yeah because otherwise they're just going to cause chaos crimes yeah yeah otherwise they just if if you don't keep the working class employed if you make sure you don't force them to work as much as possible then what they're going to do is

they're just going to sort of their eyes are going to unfocus and then they're going to start thinking of like all the different track suits everywhere huge bazongas they're going to inject cocaine into their eyes and then crash a car which is right house i wonder what he would say though if you put that to him if you put that line to him and and said look at how cynical this description of someone is that people do crimes because they just can't handle being rich that's what that line literally yes lays out in front of you and if you put that what the fuck could he say to that like what could you fucking say that you wrote this fucking bookie piece of shit yeah he'd he'd mutter probably and then try to make another sort of wrong latin analogy make some

like cartoonish lie like something really outlandish oh tempura more is you what you have to understand is you do the working class when they get rich they suffer from boredom which is very dangerous was the upper class when we are rich which is all the time we suffer from on we which makes you do things like you know go to go to bermand you know get a get a local girl pregnant or something you know write a write a book of poetry about uh you know the finetian princes who fondle young boys and then uh die of sepsis on a on a boat on your way to fight in some sort of greek civil war that's the sort of thing that being rich the upper class does with the young people you know they just buy these um these vehicles the silly colors and they they crash

them into the pound shops so the three of them then were compelled for another half-baked government policy to work at the right price that they rammed to earn back the damage that they did damn irony they were of course spared prison because they were worried it might be bad for them they crashed a car into pound land and did 80 pounds of damage so the whole store was destroyed so if we have step one of home county's dad stops laughing and just nods vigorously in agreement here's step two of home county's dad does the same thing step two cut a hole in the box the three of them now this is there is a little bit of uh my lord is doing the thing he was like yeah family guy remember that no that's not it's not family guy like i sat in my life which is if anything worse

so this is this is a little bit of a long burn one but is it is another thing that home county dad's thing if you're burned over the next few six or four hours see your doctor yes over the next few days um dean started looking more closely at venessa who worked at one of the tills though he and pauli argued about this to begin with she was at least as pretty as the girls in the daily star with their tits out bashfully dean would buy her chocolates at the tail with his own money and ching ching he would present them to her one night in the pub he poured forth his life story the misery of experience with his foster family the burning of prices she's oriam the tragic ram rape he couldn't believe how much she wanted to know about him how sad and she was

but the details of his shocking finances here venessa said dean who is fairly sure he was on the right lines has anyone ever told you how lovely you are oh dean said venessa that's really really sweet i've got a brand new compound officer to the king shut up venessa said dean knitting his fingers i love you then of course she blanks him and then fucks his more attractive friend pauli and he walks in and then in the stock room damn it do look like a hot until of course until it turns out that venessa was not as she seemed she was a stepmom the whole time this it comes out it comes out with this when pauli brings in a copy of the guardian which boris takes care to point out is not usually read by the likes of him um there was this long article by someone called

lucy good body called breadline britain lucy good body wasn't many people boris johnson's employed as a trade envoy it was all it was called breadline britain and it was all about being a checkout girl in a shop in wolverhampton and how tough it was he looked at the picture byline that wasn't lucy good body that was the girl he knew as venessa what's this bollocks he read with mounting despair lucy good body's account of his life in right price wolverhampton it seemed they were some of some of the lowest paid workers in britain and according to lucy good body all hated their jobs but that's not true thought dean he liked his job even if it didn't pay very well i thought they were making him work there because of his like

i like the job it's making me better i'm bettering myself by learning about ordering the sweets on the right pegs i'm actually the man who comes in who manages the shop in the top hat says hello to me every morning gives me a farvin can i spend it on cigarettes and heroin it's the one between wane crimes and wane jobs so there's the thing there's the second thing that home county's dad's not along with is scottish for child crimes these guardian these guardian riders patronizing the lower classes don't have their best interests at heart they don't understand that they actually like being scum on the bottom of my boot yeah they like it they're power bottoms in the political sense of the word my goal for this for this episode is by the end of it at least one of you

will have figured out what a f***ing power bottom is isn't that just where you generate quite a bit of the power by moving up and down from the bottom typical musculoskeletal shitty equipments so uh yeah that's the second thing which is uh the guardians when they talk about working conditions are just talking down to the people actually in those jobs oh wait an idea for a new startup how about uh robot sex dolls but with like a friction power generator inside the vagina so when you f*** it you generate enough power to you know like run your small business or whatever i should get one of those put in welcome to the mit media lab firming and now being powered by horniness alone so um in a horrible in a horrible case of crossed wires this goes to the mit cheese

power to my shame and embarrassment recorded lucy good body young dave stand in for dean is developing a crush on me he uses any excuse he can to come to my tail and bias me presents he can't afford so that evening well like sweets and she writes that in the guardian well because again this is a diary loser i'm gonna cock him to teach him a lesson that afternoon that afternoon dean did something really stupid it occurred to him that he knew where the guardian was based it was just down the road or at least it must have been a branch because it had a big black and white sign over the shop front saying the guardian stroke the observer no it was down the road in that london yes it was down the road in this shop front by a pakistani man who i'm convinced was

the editor of the guardian so then that luckless news agents went the way of prices cheese lab dean was then remanded to her majesties young offenders institution it felt him and then two weeks later he discovered islam in prison oh my god so they're saying that this guy it is so stupid that he's like firebombed some like poor indian guys corner shop because he believes it to be the head office of the guardian and now he's in jail for a hate crime yes oh my god at least he discovers islam in prison so that's i don't know is it damn what's what's uh boris johnson trying to what's his aim in this are we supposed to sympathize with dean well because he didn't know so we're supposed to think like he didn't mean to commit a crime

racist and as such he has to be guided to make better decisions by he only wants to find a job instead of weighing crimes basically if you think about it so far boris johnson's theory of change is um that there was that a liberal reporter came to sneer at the poor for the guardian then coctees the virgin dean who was in this job because a series of coddling government programs didn't just whip him into shape when they had the chance but then she fucked his friend pauli who was a chad so dean turned to radical islam in prison because he was pissed he took it out on the chad corner shop so essentially essentially a boris johnson is being like hmm all of these metropolitan liberal cultural values are trying to replace everyone with muslims by making them

degenerated it's almost like it's a great replacement theory you could say i would like to know replacement at bass i would like to know and i'm quite disappointed that boris johnson didn't describe any of the physical attributes of the lady because how am i supposed to know like you know whether it was hot when he fucked when she fucked the chad how chaddle for a leftist how is that how is the red faced fat home county's dad supposed to have a good anger cranked if you have a guardian reporter daring to question the order of things get a copy of the guardian and look at the head shots because then you don't have to buy it exactly so why is there no page three in the guardian that's what i would like to know that

would have it's like that's that's kind of boris johnson's solution for presenting the radicalization of young people her name was good body though which is some incredibly like roger more era bond film shit you're right pussy galore in her guardian column so just just see a horrible gaze into my own future there do we all want to know what the prison imam preached please oh god no i'm holding up my one finger as i do this you either die wane crimes or you live long enough to see yourself become wane jobs no then he becomes wane jihad oh damn yeah again if we don't if we if we don't keep the working class of britain whipped into shape given tough medicine and kept in jobs all the time then they're going to go from wane crimes to wane jihad sorry was this

fucking published like was this serialized in inspire magazine because this does seem to suggest that if the pause only discovered the abiding light of islam they'll be able to like wage war and like overthrow their oppressors right boris johnson writing for to be more i must say i'm i'm i'm quite poor and i've been carried away on the energy of this romp and i'm finding it irreverent just hoping that we can kind of convert everyone to islam and this one okay i've got one finger up now uh so i'm i'm i'm saying what the prison imam said britain is a society of divorce and adultery we live in one of those we live in one of those where women are taught not to respect their own bodies said the imam yeah dean felt sick at the thought of venessa writhing on the floor

in the stock room 35 she was also epileptic we don't got to mention that bar 35 of women in britain have been abused at the imam usually by someone known to them in the muslim religion usually by one of us in my right hand usually by someone known to them get those numbers up to 30 in the muslim region women are to be loved and respected and not treated like a piece of meat yeah dean thought this resonated with him venessa stroke lucy good body the very name now on provocation of rage um and how she treated her own sexuality he thought how she had obviously liked the piece of meat approach and shuddered in horror um out shuddered with horror and desire and in comprehension wait so essentially this insell ship this guy's an mra yes boris johnson

wrote a book about how about like why in sell in sell them up is basically explicable why women are to blame for men hating them and why the working class need to be more or less policed all the time or they'll become lazy criminals stroke muslims but boris johnson is saying that like being too horny makes you a muslim terrorist by which i mean same by which logic boris johnson should be abu bakar al bag boris um so uh when he left felt him six months later there were all kinds of outreach workers ready for him but dean was now firmly on a different conveyor belt all together i like that uh that um in boris johnson's imagined britain mra's and and muslims can actually get a bit like the same people you know but there's a kind of reconciliation to that that

i think is quite hopeful yeah well it's optimistic absolutely my question is of the stuff that he put yes alice of the words that he puts in the like joker makeup in mom's mouth what does he actually like boris i mean disagree with because we heard him talking about the like slags and the daily star or whatever yo i'll tell you exactly what boris disagrees with is boris thinks that when british men do it it's like a carry on film but when muslim men do it it's the news and why we have to go to war yeah the news the grooming gangs are actually just a kind of more gritty reboot of the carry on franchise somewhere there's an underappreciated muslim syd james it would seem that for in boris johnson's imagination yes just delightful just like

chasing women around in fast motion yeah boris johnson's got like an amazing fantasy world of the middle east under western rule where it's all just like women in burgers but their brows are just like pinging off and the muslim world is so oppressive to lgbt people if you're gay in a muslim country the only thing you can do is the kenneth webbing resource right so this is if you're if you are british um chances are this is what boris johnson thinks of you realistically yeah because if you're not one of your vital scum or like wane crimes if you're not one of his bullying in friends this is what he thinks of you if you're a woman this is how he thinks you have to act or other people are going to react to you like this this is basically like if you want to know boris johnson's

politics if you want to know like what he really thinks then look at what he's writing while he's trying to be funny and relatable yeah what are the other people are there any uh like what about the home county's dads because they're nodding along at this but he also probably thinks of them oh totally like that yeah are there any other like affluent characters in the book or anything oh i'm sure i i mean honestly this is probably one of the most disjointed pieces of writing i've ever read look look much like the caran it modally really makes sense in the original arabic because no one thinks they're working class anymore whereas in reality boris johnson considers anyone who went to rugby school or lower to be working class so we're going to talk about the

next character which is boris johnson's uh female perspective character karen mclean is amazing research assistant she bounced boobily down the stairs with her breasts oh she bounces she bounces very frequently boobily with her breasts breastily i just realized that we sat down her pussy all right hold on i have to do more caliphate shit and get myself another bit we may be infringing on some of the ip of uh my dad wrote a porno by doing this podcast this isn't my dad wrote a porno this is like this is my dad wrote my prime minister wrote a manifesto this is my dad wrote a snuff film damn so let's talk about karen mclean uh the booby research assistant who's always sitting down in her pussy and knocking stuff over with her ass and being like

oh i'm too wet i forgot she keeps dropping the pencil when i figure i'm just supposed to name isn't more of an entendre like i mean it sort of is for a british person i think where it's so american you're like wow she must be so american and free yeah so barlow's sexy american researcher who's developing a crush not on him but on a young professor um and also reflecting on a relationship with men in general i think this is also very illuminating and yet apart from from roger barlow's absent minded attentions camryns eight months in england had been an unrobiting tale of tibidity frustration and let's be brutal flaccidity sick she's not wait she's not been able to get it up the entire time yeah it's it's it's it happens with the estradiol i mean

was there no one man in this goddamn country who wanted to take her firmly in his arms and give a girl that time of day no because britain is purses now and like if we were chads then we would like keep up with the heart american girls yeah absolutely sometimes at her most vulnerable she would even open her mind to the possibility that sob it was something to do with her which was absurd because ever since she was a tiny little girl she'd been told how beautiful she was she remembers fondly family holidays to little st james island yeah yeah so you know it's just it's um another another little insight into boris johnson's mind uh walk around telling child with child girls that they're hot yeah child it's gonna no don't worry they might have a moment

of self a crisis of self-confidence later on in life and if you tell them they're sexy when they're 12 then maybe they'll remember and feel better about them just like trying to do help you do self-care later in life sometimes she began to worry that she was going to lose it all together not her virginity obviously but her initial status perhaps her hymen would actually regrow wow so this this this virgin joke that he's weaving through everything i which is very deftly by the way it's such mra shit though right yeah like yeah oh yeah at one point just going up to the babies in the maternity unit and just whispering you're gonna be so fucking hot never forget never forget what a fucking piece of ass you're gonna grow up to be one day if someone turns you down

just remember you're just you're just like just a hot little slut can we have dr kesphani back in to just do the shot at them instead at one at one point she even seriously a muslim little bit she's seriously considered an affair with roger himself the boris johnson stand-in character actually realized she would never live up to his high standards um once you got well odd oddly enough taco you're right oh yeah once you got over the nicotine stains teeth in that goofy sense of humor there was something vaguely compelling about barlow once you got over all of the things that really made him so charming there was actually charm underneath his charm that god face the brown eyes that seem perpetually amused the beer drinkers thatch i don't know what

that is uh she's really got a type of roost his pubes have become like infested because he drinks too much matted yeah he gets like a weird bruise but only in the pubes she'd briefly taken to walking into his office and staring at him but he hadn't seemed to notice and so she gave up what because children of the corn style yeah just kind of like an inch from his face obviously she needed an alpha male she needed an authority figure to supplant her father of course what the fuck does it say that yes oh my god i added of course but it said the rest of an authority figure to supplant her father she needed a stepfather now the dad's not here to fuck me well again but she had concluded that she needs someone who was both the same as an

opposite to her father and professor adam swallow surely fitted the bill he had to hit someone to swallow her pride he had a bust of daunte he read a philosopher called adorno he went traveling to unexpected places and in an elegant hand he recorded his life on the pages of leatherbound notebooks he was furious about the treatment of palestinians and resented america for a crass attempt to reconfigure with bombs and dollars the muslim mentality and to impose democracy on societies that neither wanted nor understood the concept i love how he's even managing to make the uh like the liberal professor guy into a guy who also believes that like the arabs are all hogs yeah they don't understand democracy my liberal academic

dr straw man is a very progressive opinions in fact about the arabrain pan yeah also like just a brief aside yes impose democracy on societies in which what like bathas parties have largely been propped up by america for 40 years just over the pile of like dead socialists and democrats being like why don't these people like democracy gamal abdel hooser no democracy democracy is when we elect your president i will say this nasa was a chat like that's not an endorsement of all of his politics but big dick energy so her father would of course been scandalized by these attitudes but maybe for cameron that was part of the attraction so here's where we get to boris

johnson's other fantasy oh good her father henry hank or buster mclean is that what he's always doing george cc realm a fanfic what the fuck like i i i hate megan mccain but i feel like she should be calling the cops look so is this is his nickname hank buster because he's always so in effect again i i i want to note that there is significant overlap here between ben shepiro's book true allegiance that has been reviewed on the chap and trap house podcast where um the main character is described as a a bear of a man six fit in six foot three in his bare shoes built like a tank etc etc where ben shepiro was clearly just dreaming up this dream god of a guy um and boris johnson boris johnson did the same thing but earlier yeah boris johnson

beat ben shepiro to the rugged alpha male written in a right well let's just say let's just say for the sake of argument you know it's a guy a big guy a broly guy a broly guy with big arms big mostly arms who could just who could just pick you up he could pick someone up like me up like a small guy like me he could pick me up and uh he pulled down my trousers and he could just he could just he could just break me in half he could just break me up and you know what you know what let's say let's say hypothetically i love it i'd enjoy it let's say i'd come harder than i've ever come in my life what would you say about that but i could break him in half with argument boris johnson's just inventing a man that he'd like to fuck people with yeah so her father her

father hank buster mccain was an alpha male so alpha that he would have been awarded a congratulatory first by examiners or advanced virility tentpole phrase klaxon it's another examiner and it's like what does that even mean like he doesn't he can't even decide on a tone for his stupid jokes because what does that joke even mean you know it's not real it doesn't refer to anything i'll tell you what it actually means it means that he's just forgotten what to say and so stole a uh blackadder line which is a plan so cunning that if it was um that it would be awarded the position of cunning studies at oxford university or whatever yeah yeah totally yeah so that's just what he's just taken a he's just taken a blackadder line there and it's one of his

tentpole jokes no he's not taking it he's he's it's an homage if you're smart enough to get it which congratulations riley you do you win the boris johnson prize for boris johnson isn't he can't spell homage without om which means ben because a woman could never have thought of that here's the next big pun here's the next tentpole pun i'm gracing every muscle in my body he command quiver with excitement he commanded the seymour johnson us air force base seymour johnson i want to see more johnson yeah he thought he'd slip that past a lot of people but nope nothing gets passed this podcast oh man that's that's about a penis right like just to be clear just see more oh fuck i thought it was about lyndon johnson damn how everyone just loved to look at lyndon johnson because he

has his big ass dick aren't typically named after wanting to see more penis so that that's very amusing yeah yeah they usually name things like uh see less dick yeah exactly if only he could command this nation with the deafness and subtlety with which he commands his pros yeah we've all been to you south hidden lang in germany so um buster mcclain buster mcclain and believe firmly in the american empire buster mcclain believed firmly in the american empire he'd load the democrats and hated the media in particular their grotesque misreporting of the ted offensive which led to america's unnecessary withdrawal from vietnam and which identified his daughter with current accounts of iraq not that he was a bigot or anything like that as a major employer he saw the

evil waste and stupidity of racism oh my god we'd all be for racism but for a tecanomic detriment yeah i'll believe that the black people are actually bigger and stronger than the white people they can be put to excellent use in my gumball factory tilling the fields and such yeah so he saw the evil waste and stupidity of racism didn't care much about drugs either way and was just innocently right wing and as much as he believed in the power of the will the greatness of america and the ability of a man to rise on the stepping stones of his dead self to hire things yes we all we all triumph on the back of a will in a way for example i triumphed on the back of my father's will which left me a hundred million dollars i triumphed on the back of a man named

will yeah it was a powerful awesome yeah so um when cameron was a little girl every year on her birthday he promised he would take her up in one of the lockheed jets he was commanding an ever greater numbers and if he was commanding lockheeds yeah if he was commanding lockheeds that's either an f-35 or an f-104 both of which regularly kill their pilots so you know every year she would every year she would look at him with shining eyes and secretly wish that she could marry him oh oh his daughter oh no she's wishing he could marry the dad no no no no yeah um no no no thank you i i he's achieved the impossible he has made me feel sympathy for megan mccain um congratulations to boris uh yeah that's what he's done it is a new low like he has

actually been like what god her dad's such a fucking chad i bet she wants to just fucking so what uh yeah well i mean also don't forget this was written by the man who's prime minister oh i'm sure everything's i have that about it it's fine i mean yeah if buster mccain was to be portrayed by modern hollywood it would of course be considered theatrically indispensable to expose him in the final reel as a cross-dresser a bra fetishist an alcoholic or abuser of animals i mean as someone who does all of those except the abusing animals like i'm not sure what that would add to the dramatic like trajectory of that movie look at him he's looking at women in their bras no no it's worse than that he's wearing the bras

and like once you do that you're not a chad anymore no who wears the bra in this relationship that's what i always ask buster mccain was none of these things he simply had the right stuff exploding hormonally from every orifice again if you take the extra dial on time then it won't happen in fact his machismo was so intense that he was often considered a danger to himself in the exorbitantly expensive technology he was paid to fly this is hentai without the pictures that's all this is the only accurate bit is that the u.s army is constantly spending a billion dollars on like a plane that takes off for three feet and then crashes immediately somehow destroying his school in the u.s and yemen and you have to clean all of the cum out of like the instrument

he was too alpha he was too chad he was too manly and he just fucking busts everywhere you