TRASHFUTURE - *UNLOCKED* Britainology 8: Christmas Panto

Episode Date: September 25, 2021

Here is an unlocked Britainology to hopefully brighten your weekend. Yes, it was a little bit late when it came out. It was late because Nate and Milo got exposed to covid right before Christmas and couldn't record while waiting on test results. But we have in fact discussed Jim Davidson's terrible bawdy Cinderella pantomime from 1995, entitled 'Sinderella', and discussed the concept of pantos in general. Hope you enjoy! We've also unlocked the Dogging episode of Britainology to the $5 tier--get it here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/51682396 And if you want two (2) Britainologies a month, sign up on the $10 tier on Patreon! This month's second episode features us discussing the British Army with friend of the show, veteran, leftist, and author Joe Glenton: https://www.patreon.com/posts/56590770 *MILO ALERT* Smoke returns for another night of new material from pro-comics featuring Edinburgh Comedy Award winner Jordan Brookes. See it all, for the low price of £5, on September 28 at 8 pm at The Sekforde Arms (34 Sekforde Street London EC1R 0HA): https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/smoke-comedy-featuring-jordan-brookes-tickets-171869475227 Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum)

This is a belated episode because we were going to record it in the week before Christmas, but we used up all of our time shipping shirts and recording a song called Stand on the Christmas Honk. And then thinking that we might have COVID. Yeah, the three genders. The classic three things that you traditionally do in the Yuletide period. And so this episode, we're doing it in January instead because fuck it, time is a flat circle. But it is a Christmas theme. This episode is the pantomime episode. Oh, no, it isn't. Oh, yes, it is. I don't know if you even get that. I sort of think I might, but I feel like the side story to this with regard to Panto is that what you have to realize about this is I watched the Panto that you sent to me on a day where I

stayed up to like 3.30 in the morning because I had way too much caffeine and then was awoken by, I think dogs or something at the door at like 7 in the morning. So I was awoken by dogs. We had barking and shit in the neighborhood. It's like a very like Gorka monologue thing. And so I was operating on about three hours of sleep and I tried to watch the rude Cinderella Panto and I was just like Cinderella with an ass. What the fuck is happening? Why did I move to this stupid country? Why? Cynthia said this numerous times. Why couldn't your mom's ancestors had committed some crimes and gotten sent to Australia and we could have gotten a better passport? I do ask myself that question on a regular basis. But look, the only thing I'm going to say is if we're going to

start using a country as a barometer of a normal country, let's not use Australia. Something about Australia being largely colonized by criminals and their and their descendants, I think has led to it becoming the glorious nation that it is today, you know. And yet somehow they've managed to negotiate this pandemic in a way that Britain, also an island, also full of idiots has not. I don't know why. We cannot say. I think because Australians aren't as committed to being miserable. Like British people love it when it sucks. Australians don't. They like things to suck, but only for refugees. They don't like things to suck for them. And that is the difference between a Britain or shame and Britain loves it when it sucks for them specifically. I was saying

this one of my American friends the other day, like the difference between American and British patriotism is that like American patriotism is like, oh, like this is the greatest country in the world. It fucking rules. And if you don't think so, you can fuck off. Whereas like British patriotism is like this country fucking sucks. It's shit. And that's how it's supposed to be. And if you don't like it, you can fuck them off. Yeah, that's that. More like this country is the greatest country in the world versus this country was the greatest country in the world. And it would be still if it weren't for you fucking whiners, you fucking remoters, insert whoever you're mad at. Australian British Patriot there. It's fucking right, mate. I love living in Australia and driving

a white van. I don't know how I manage it. HMRC took me you off me at Dover. I've had to get a transit. Yeah, I realized there I didn't either a British nor an Australian accent. I did your British voice. You did my British voice trending towards New Zealand as well. Oh, mate, it got all wet. It took me you off me at Dover. That's just Andrew Law. That's not easy. Good morning. Good morning, Nathan. We're doing a podcast about Britain. Yes, we are indeed. And we're talking about the Christmas pantomime. Oh, we fucking are. So to get in the Christmas spirit before we do this, I did get us some Christmas crackers back when they were still on sale. They've not gone out of date because Christmas crackers don't

contain anything perishable. As I just had to explain tonight, there will be no snacks, no treats of any kind. I was disappointed. I thought there was going to be food. I thought there's going to be some kind of snack in this thing and there's not. Apparently, it's going to make a loud pop. It's going to give me PTSD flashbacks and I'm just going to get a fucking hat and nothing else. Yeah, you get the PTSD hat. Let's do this. All right, ready? Three, two, one. Oh, it didn't even snap right now. Just to prove that there was a, yeah, three. Yeah. Shit. Well, it made a noise or something inside your cracker. You will find one standard issue paper hat brackets one and you get and you get a joke and a trivia question. Oh,

we don't even they don't even have trivia questions that the instead of trivia, this one has give a sticker to the person who is the youngest female. Hell yeah, the nonce cracker. I was going to say that the female and it's got brackets that says adult human female just to make sure you know it's a turf cracker. Oh, absolutely. You're another stick it to who is the best dancer. Well, if you give those two stickers to the same person, I can see what you're angling for. Who is the fuzziest and who is the most musical to your right? Does that mean you have to pick like Brian Ferry or someone? Give the sticker to the person who is the oldest male, me, who is the funniest debatable, who is the laziest also me, who is the youngest female to

my left? I don't know. I'm looking to my left and all I see are computer parts and a sound barrier. So I says, if nobody wins, keep the sticker for yourself. What is my sticker? My sticker is just a picture of a snowman and a Christmas tree and a snowflake and a Christmas package and that's it. Yeah, I've got the same. This is like a non-traditional element of the cracker. I have to say the traditional element, however, is the joke and the hat. What's your joke? Okay, so my joke is what kind of pet did Aladdin have? A genie something. A flying car pet. It's funny because it has the word pet in it. What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Is it going to be like indidextion or something? No, tinsilitis. Okay, it's not even a,

what is that even a pun on? Like tonsilitis? Oh yeah, I guess. You get tinnitus. That's what you get. It's actually when you get cancer. Yeah, exactly. What happened to you? Gastrointestinal blockage? Hadmium poisoning? You get put down. Oh, this is jokes for dogs. Oh, fuck, shit. Well, anyway, now that was suitably in the Christmas spirit. Yes, only nearly a month too late, but it's okay. Exactly. Well, I wasn't in the Christmas spirit at the time, so fuck it. Neither was I. I went on fucking, I cycled six miles round trip to the bricks and testing center to get fucking tested for COVID because I thought I was literally going to get COVID, you know, prove my dedication to stand on the

Christmas honk, which is on brand, but yeah, I mean, if you had died because of a Dutch Christmas single, that would have truly been a podcaster's death. You would have entered podcasting Valhalla there. I was going to say, you just make sure that you put me on a boat and set it on fire when you have my funeral. Put you in a U and set it on fire. U, Trump and was bap in meeting at the pearly gates of like posting Valhalla. Anyway, so from the Wikipedia page, because that's the only thing I ever used for research, pantomime, informally Panto, is a type of musical comedy stage production designed for family entertainment. It was developed in England, English, and is performed throughout

the United Kingdom, Ireland, and to a lesser extent in other English speaking countries, especially during the Christmas New Year season. I would say probably just to then, I've never seen one not Christmas. I've never seen this in the United States. I think this is probably more like a white Commonwealth thing. Yeah, I think I would bet you Canada, Australia, New Zealand, you probably see more of it, but none of this in America. Yeah, I think the only other country that really has it at all is Australia, and I don't think it's very popular there. It's like it's a very, it's a very cursed anglo-vime. So it says modern pantomime includes songs, gags, slapstick comedy, and dancing. It employs gender-crossing actors and combines topical

humor with a story more or less based on well-known fairy tale fable or folktale. This is one of the weird things you'll discover where like British people, despite being the most turfy nation on earth, miss no opportunity for cross-dressing ever. Yeah, that is a really weird thing that I have noticed, because I think I told you this before that it was strange to me seeing the extent to which the turf fixation is so in the water here, because whenever I think of British TV in general, anything related to comedy, there's just going to be cross-dressing. This was even made in reference to in King of the Hill. I think I told you this joke before where Peggy tries to get Bobby to watch a British comedy

show, and she says, you might not laugh at the jokes. It's more sophisticated than American comedy. And then Bobby says, why is that man wearing a dress? That is British comedy in the eyes of America. And yet, for some reason- That's Mrs. Brown's boys, baby. Turf, man, turfism. It's like yesterday it happened to me that I was going through to try, because someone was retweeting me behind a fucking locked account. It was some dumb turf bullshit. And I was like, well, the person who replied to me doesn't follow me, so clearly they follow this account, so they seem to find whoever they follow that's fucking locked and just block them. So I did, I found the person and got rid of it. But while going through it, I saw some of

the most insanely cursed replies or profiles, rather. And legitimately, I tweeted about this, but one of them was from the, if you look just at the bio and the people this person follows, it's just like a person they're at was like loving kisses or something. Oh yeah, like knitting. Jordy loves knitting dogs, et cetera. And then you click on their profiles, location UK, banner image is a huge suffragette flag that says, women don't have penises. What is going on on this fucking island, man? What is it?

Feeling normal. I'm feeling normal. I'm having a regular weekend. And so that did not escape my notice that when we watched the Panto Cinderella at Cinderella with an S, Sin, Cinderella, that her horrible sisters were, of course, Protestant pantomime men and drag, that they couldn't pass up an opportunity to have men and drag and to make a bunch of racist jokes and lots of cum jokes. To be fair, the racist jokes is purely because this is Jim Davidson pantomime. We'll get into that bit. Well, there was also the older guy who's in there, who's like some other pantomime fucking person who also makes racist jokes. But yes, like...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jim Davidson wrote the whole thing though. So yeah, the pantomimes are usually based on some kind of like folk tale or fairy tale or something like Cinderella. There's another one about Dick Whittington. There's the classic, various classics Aladdin is another classic one. And so yeah. And the other main thing you need to know about fucking pantomime is that they like the audience to join in because they're primarily aimed at children, unlike the pantomime we watched, which is specifically aimed at adults, because I thought that would be funnier because it's like Jim Davidson trying to do a naughty

pantomime. It's a bit naughty, this one. It's like, yeah, regular pantomimes are supposed to be like a bit bawdy and like... At the point of a pantomime, it's a bit like a much... You know how they try and do this a bit with Pixar films, where there's like kind of jokes in them for the adults, which are always like lame as shit. But whereas like pantomime is really like... There'll just be like loads of dick jokes in there for the adults. And they just rely on the children being too young to like caught onto it. And so bizarrely, it does have its origins in Comedia dell'arte, which when you look at a pantomime is very funny to imagine. These people could be Italian.

Well, what if a British guy was Italian? Exactly. Yeah. So the way I would like to think of this, if you're a regular Britonology viewer, listener, listener, is that pantomimes are a bit like carry-on, but for children. Yeah, I see that. It's essentially the same shit. But an important thing about Britain, about pantomime here, is that they're a great vehicle for washed up celebrities. Just going to give you a quick rundown of some British celebrities who've been in pantomime in like the last 10 years. The Chuckle Brothers, Chico, he was actually in the same one as the Chuckle Brothers. I don't know if you're familiar with Chico. Nope. He was a guy who was

on the X Factor like 15 years ago, and he was like a bodybuilder who couldn't say he was a male stripper. That's what he was who couldn't sing. And but just during every song, he would like take off his shirt and just like wiggle his pecs and stuff. So he kept getting through. And then in the end, he didn't win, but he like got far enough that they he ended up releasing a single called It's Chico Time, which involved him dancing with a big clock where just every number was labeled Chico. It's weird to me how you could be a last round contestant on the British reality TV show and then just become famous in this country because like clubs in Essex would just be like, yeah, make a celebrity appearance. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, you get like

four free bottles of Lamborghini. Like that's what that guy lives on. Yeah, it is technically sustenance. I mean, well, this is the thing like Britain, I think, has a lot of people who are famous here who could only be famous in Britain to the point where we get other countries cast off. Like there are various Australians and Americans and Canadians who are famous in Britain who could not be famous in their respective home countries. Peter Andre and Jason Donovan are great examples of this. There's a band that was really popular here that had like a kind of one hit wonder in America, but it wasn't even that big of a hit band called The Fun Loving Criminals. They're huge here among like Gen Xers primarily. There's a Dave Courtney buying all their albums

here in Ireland. And like, I cannot express to you how completely forgotten about they are. In America, like they had a song that had kind of a little bit of radio airplay, and then they completely vanished. Whereas like, they are so massive here that I'm not mistaken, like when the band broke up, like their least interest moved to Britain because he could just be famous in Britain. He's a rock star. He's too fucking right. He's a rock star, but only in Britain. So that's right. Yeah. Who's whose dream is it not to play like Dartford race track? That's a dog racing track, by the way. Just for clarity. So other celebrities are Stacey Solomon, another former X Factor contestant, the most Essex woman who has ever lived.

Henry Winkler from Happy Days. The Fonds, yeah? Yeah. He was Captain Hook in a production of Peter Pan that happened somewhere in Surrey in 2013. Anne Widdicombe, I've put a little exclamation mark in brackets after this. I know Anne Widdicombe from somewhere. I mean, I know the name. Anne Widdicombe is, she used to be a conservative MP. She's a devout Catholic. She's completely insane. She's like a 70 year old virgin, genuinely, isn't she? She makes a big thing about how she's never had sex. And these days, she goes on like reality shows a lot, but like just embarrasses herself. But she doesn't, you know, like some exporters will go on reality shows and embarrass themselves, but they sort of know they've embarrassed themselves. And that's

kind of part of the joke, like Ed Balls, like no, like she is fully unaware that she is embarrassing herself and gets really angry when people are like, Anne, you might be embarrassing yourself. So she was in pantomime. Gok Wan, British Asian guy who used to do a show called How to Look Good Naked, which was entirely about buying people new clothes. It had nothing to do with making them look good naked whatsoever. And none of those people ended up looking good. Gok Wan had a real low hit rate on that show. David Hasselhoff. I know David Hasselhoff. Another man who was weirdly more famous in Britain somehow than he is in America. I don't know why. But you know what's funny? You know, he's really, really famous.

Germany. When I was a kid, all of my girl classmates when we were eight years old were obsessed with David Hasselhoff. And I'm not joking that when I said goodbye to my next door neighbor, who was a girl in my grade, she said, we were moving back to America. She says, well, since you're going to America, just if you ever see David Hasselhoff, just please tell him that I love him. Like the extent also, David Hasselhoff does children's albums. Doesn't one of my dog eats my pussy, I think. Yeah. I mean, traditional German greasing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For those of you who didn't get the reference to the dog eating woman's pussy, that's a reference to the first. Balthasar Speedboat.

Yeah. Balthasar Speedboat 6. And a traumatic, semi-traumatic experience I had as a small child reading a German heavy metal magazine that had a cartoon, a funny cartoon for I thought children about a dog that loves to play games with his master's wife when his master's not away. I learned a lot from reading that cartoon. Having such problems with my, my wife's boyfriend. It'd be really funny if it wasn't even his dog. That's, that's fucking right. Um, uh, my last three example celebrities, uh, Charlie Dimmock. This is a real deep cut for

the British listeners. Uh, this is like, this is the kind of person who everyone in Britain knows who this is. You definitely will not. Um, she used to be on a show called Ground Force, which sounds like it would be about rounding up refugees and sending them back. But this was the 90s. So it was about renovating people's gardens. Um, and she was like a kind of like woman your dad is horny for. Like that's the kind of why I would describe her, her vibe as Carmela Soprano. Uh, yeah. Yeah. Um, and so she was in, she was in a panty. Um, and Priscilla Presley, bizarrely. What's, what's also funny about these, these panties are never in like the West end. They're always in like, coming to like the Dartford town hall. It's Priscilla Presley.

Yeah. I was just thinking about like the Milton Keynes race track or something like that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Oh yeah. Live in, in Derby Playhouse, it's Henry Winkler. Yeah. Broadcast around the world from a shed and dorking for some reason. Yeah. Absolutely. And Vern Troyer from the fucking Dr. Evil's mini me or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so he died. This is the kind of, Oh, fuck, he's dead, isn't he? Yeah, he died. Yeah. Shit. Well, there you go. Pantom, I'm more dangerous than it seems at first. Um, uh, and the most washed up celebrity of all, Jim Davidson, which brings us neatly to Cinderella, the dirty panso a bit normally, I went on Jim Davidson's website in the course of doing some research

for this, which sounds unlike me. I know. Um, and Jim Davidson's website has a web store where you can still buy a DVD of Cinderella, which was filmed in 1995 and looks like absolute shit. It's like, it's in four, three. It's like, it looks terrible. Yeah. Would you like to guess how much a DVD of Cinderella costs on Jim Davidson's website? 29.99. Ah, you see, it's 15 pounds. I think 15 pounds is still a lot. That's still a lot of money for a, for a pantomime from a, like you could buy a Blu-ray of a brand new film that's just come out for that. Yeah. From a pantomime from 25 years ago that like you said, looks, it just looks like it was filmed in really what was not exactly modern technology at the time.

And so it just looks older than it. Like if you had told me that was filmed in 1985, I would have believed you. Yeah. It was filmed by like gas, Baz video production, like on, on sort of like an old Casio camcorder that was being powered with a potato or something. Like that's kind of the overall aesthetic. So I think like kind of before we talk about the Panto, we should talk a little bit about Jim Davidson. Because I feel like you're probably passingly familiar with Jim Davidson, just from like cursed British references. But Jim Davidson has an OBE. So he was born in 1953, which makes him about the same age as my mom. His Wikipedia page says, an English standup comedian who hosted the

television shows Big Break and the Generation Game, which we've referenced before in Britannology because of Bruce Forsythe, who hosted it before. And he also developed adult pantomime shows such as boobs in the wood and Cinderella. Boobs in the wood is actually how every British man gets his first masturbatory experience. Davidson has attracted controversy for his frequent jokes about women, ethnic minorities, homosexuals and disabled people. But he maintains that he's not prejudiced against these groups as he hates everyone who is not like him equally. There is no prejudice about it. Out of curiosity, I looked up Jim Davidson's Wikipedia page and said that at one point he moved to Dubai and when asked about why he was moving to Dubai, he basically said,

I'd love to do his accent, but I can't really do it convincingly. I'm just going to sound like like Australian bass. But basically, he said, you know, I figured why not go make some money being an ethnic minority somewhere when I'm already going to be one in my own country in five years. He said that in 2004. Yes. White people are 86% of this country. So anyway, but that never stops them from one. Basically, you have the ethnic composition of fucking Michigan in this country and people are 100 times whineier and people in Michigan are whiny about it. Don't get me wrong. People in Britain even whineier. Oh yeah, it's incredible. He's currently on his fifth wife. So we can't even really say he has a divorced career trajectory

since he's technically been married more times than he has been divorced. So there you go. On the 27th of August, 2003, after a meeting with the Inland Revenue, Davidson claimed he spent £10,000 a week on back taxes, commissioned to agents, maintenance and school fees and a £2.2 million mortgage. My problem is money. I used to earn five times as much as I do now, but I still pay the same maintenance school fees and commissioned to agents. He told me, I don't understand how you're still paying the same commission to agents when it's literally commissioned. Like so it's a percentage of what you what work the agent gets you. I don't know all these guys, they all end up like penniless because they just cannot manage money. I don't

know what it is about the kind of like boomer, like bawdy British comedian brain, but like they just spend all of their money on like gold plated kebabs or something. Just be a laugh too, because it's like if you got that famous that you were doing this stuff and you were successful in the 90s, you could have bought a house in London that's worth a million pounds, £2 million a day for like £50,000. Like you were making hundreds of thousands of pounds at the time. Didn't you think to like buy a place? Yeah, just a place somewhere, you know what I mean? Like that could be yours. That's what I would do. If I had money, like if I didn't have to earn literally like the top, you know, be in like the top three 100s of a percent of salaries to be

able to get enough money to fucking buy the house I live in currently, that's what I would do, which is buy a place like so I don't have to worry about a house ever again. British people, like you said, it's, you know, it's jaguars and expensive bullshit and estates and fucking Surrey or whatever and so on and so forth. Like I just, they just, they love credit these people. They love it. They do, they love spending money. I don't get it. I mean, and like I said, not that we don't have the same washed up celebrity problem, but very few washed up celebrities in America became famous for doing naughty versions of children's fairy tales. All of these people forget that they have to pay taxes. It's incredible. On the 6th of July, 2006, having failed to keep up payments on a £1.4

million back tax bill, £1.4 million just of taxes. Incredible. Taxes weren't that high back then. Yeah. Just on that. It had reduced to £700,000, like in court. Davidson was declared bankrupt. Davidson has responded to accusations of prejudice by saying, It's a difficult thing comedy and I want to lose her. If I cured AIDS and fed Africa and ended Ebola and found that missing airplane, I'd still be that horrible racist, sexist, homophobic comedian by people with respect who haven't seen me or judging me from the past. Found that missing airplane. Now that is a fucking news story I would like to read. Jim Davidson finding the missing airplane. That would rule.

That's what he does. He has to redeem himself. Everyone's alive somehow. It's like lost. They're all just like on a fucking desert island off the coast of Indonesia somewhere. It's what he does. Jim Davidson, he's going to cure cancer and feed Africa, but he's still going to call everybody the P word for some reason. I don't know why. There is something in the water. I saw it like a certain kind of guy who got famous in comedy in Britain. The best you can hope for is for them to turn out to be like a David Bedeal. And that's like the posh ones. Even if I found that missing airplane,

people would still be in my mentions. Exactly. They call me a continental loser. They don't realize it's a crime against humanity. The ones who are more sort of like the, I mean, not disparage working class people, but more like with that background, it seems like it's far more common that they turn into insufferable cunts. And that's Jim Davidson, I think. That's a lot of these guys though. Exactly. Because they don't have any like guests at dinner parties to worry about. Exactly. And also they benefited from like the most generous period of Britain's social safety net growing up. And then they're like, I don't need that anymore.

Exactly. Like when they had it, that was just pulling themselves up by the bootstraps. But when you get it, that's the nanny. Jim, you're not allowed to fly tip tuition fees. What's going on? Why are you, why are you throwing the entire fucking social care system against the random council estate where it says no fly tipping? Don't be asking me that question. That's right. People, they love fly tipping too. That is true. Fly tipping is the thing I didn't know about till I moved here. It's, for American listeners, fly tipping is taking your garbage and just dumping it somewhere, like taking the dumping furniture like on a random city block or something like that. Anywhere that just limited amounts of

car traffic in Britain, people will just fucking come and put their old furniture there for some reason. Yeah. It's because of the like gigantic brains in British government who have made it so that if you want to like dump more than a certain amount of stuff at like the municipal dump, you have to pay to do it. And so then people are just like, well, I'll just dump it on a pavement and then it costs the council more money to pick it up. And it's like, if you just stop doing this, like it's classic like Britain, like Britain like finds a way to like means test whatever it is. And then it ends up costing them more money than it did to start with. Also, the dump is called the tip here. It would be like, I'm going down to the tip. I've never

seen that in like the neighborhood group chat and just feeling like, what the fuck are they talking about? Genuinely, one of the things that reminds me of my dad the most is the concept of the tip because that man loved going down the tip. And like he genuinely knew all of the guys who worked at the tip because he used to go down there every weekend with like garden waste and stuff. Oh yeah. Which one do you want to end this week guys? That's incredible. Absolutely bizarre. There's a real like, there's a real like British dad energy, which can either be based or cursed of just the yeah, just like loving the tip going down there, but bantering with the guys down the tip. See, I have to ride my bike to the tip, but it's not that far from where I live. And so

like I've taken some stuff that I just need to get rid of that. I don't want to, if you look at this fucking queer, he's ridden his bike to the tip. Exactly. Tim Davidson is just sitting there in the parking lot furious at the world. And he sees me. He's like, oh, I'm going to ride all blood. Yeah, exactly. I loved it. I love to die when I get knocked off my bike by like an ice white range rover. And like when they find me, I'm like, you know, carrying a duffel bag full of old shit that I probably could have just thrown in the bin anyway, but I learned to be super correct about making sure I turned it in correctly. Yeah, it's just hand your wife like a bag full of weights. He had this with him when he died. It was clearly very important. Yeah,

we think we think he'd want you to have it. It's a bag full of rusted parts for a gas cooker. I know very well the kind of stuff Nate would be taking down the tip. I mean, it's it really, it's it's yeah, it's old. It's old old drinking glasses that I don't like are just too lime scaled to be used anymore. You know, an old bike helmet, the one that I was wearing when I fucking fell off my bike two years ago and got a huge concussion. Probably shouldn't use that two years ago. The year and a half. Yeah, August 2019. Yeah, it's been a while. It's been a while since I've been in this weird phase of like random tiredness and insane headaches, but also really good at music for some reason. Don't worry. Nate's brain is completely back to normal now.

Yeah, I discovered my ability to write songs about Dutch baseball teams not too long after hitting myself in the head really hard. So it's all good for content. Maybe not good for one of those like daytime TV documentaries. Like I got a concussion and it changed my life. I was like one guy who learned Chinese and you're like I developed a savance ability to write Dutch synth pop songs about baseball. Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, that was funny. The guy with the Chinese thing because he had learned Chinese before, but when he got the concussion, he was so severely concussed. He forgot how to speak English. He could only speak in Chinese and like his Chinese wasn't that good, but it was enough to communicate with. And like I think he's since regained his

English, but like he went on to just like move to China. Like, cool. There you go. Sucks for me if that happens and I wind up like, wow. I'm waiting for Xi Jinping. He can't speak English anymore. He can only speak Pashto. I was like, well, tell him the wife or move into Afghanistan. What's going to happen? Man, you know what? Like I think that that would certainly teach your wife what side of bread was buttered on, son. Exactly. Thanks, Jim. How's Dubai, by the way? We love it. It's tasty. It's very lovely. Absolutely. Love it. My last hit about Jim Davidson. In September 2007, Davidson participated in the Celebrity Reality TV program Hell's Kitchen.

During his time on the show, Davidson attracted negative media attention. No, over what was identified as homophobic bullying towards TV presenter and openly gay consistent Brian Dowling. Davidson asked Dowling, are you on our side, referring to whether or not he would be participating for the boys or the girls team? Davidson used to wear shirt lifters in front of him and was constantly asking if Dowling would like to try on one of John Virgo's lovely waistcoats, which Davidson knows. It's just so funny. To me, this is like, he refuses to even learn a modern homophobic term. Like every homophobic term he knows is from 1936. I'm just laughing because this energy reminds me of suburban dad

who really wants his teenage kid's friends to think he's cool. It's like, I didn't realize you could become a successful comedian that way, but then again, I didn't know all the majesty of this country before I moved here. I feel like I told this story on Britannology before, but about when I went to a kid from school's birthday sleepover when I was like 12 and his dad had made a load of money from laying railroad tracks. He had some construction company that did railways, but he thought of himself as a Dave Courtney wannabe gangster type. He was driving us to pizza hut for the dinner portion of this party. He had one of those mid-2000s Mercedes S-classes with eight TVs in it somehow. He just leans over from the driver's seat, looks me dead in the eye and

just goes, you know, I own the entire collection of Ray Winston films. I just say nothing because I don't know what to say. Then he goes, my personal favorite is scum. I remember a friend of mine whose dad was like this and would just talk very, very coarsely around it because it would make the teenage kids laugh, but a friend of mine was like, dude, that guy is completely insane. One time, he was talking about, there was some girl that his son and his son's friends thought was hot, so they drove by our house and his dad was honking the horn of the car. I was like, send out your pussy. So obviously Americans find me like a man. Oh my God. I have even more stories that I don't know. The one that I thought was hilarious was

that apparently his son one time got some and he kept, when he came home from fucking fingering some girl or whatever, he kept smelling his hand and his mom asked, what are you doing? His dad was like, honey, he's obviously been hitting the tang. Bring me your pussy, your paw, your huddled masses. So what I'm saying is that America has this guy. It's just a different version. Yeah. Hitting the tang. That sounds like it would be a slogan for like a soda that was laid a ban for being cast an agenda. Yes. We have those things in spades. So much corn syrup in it. You have to have like a kidney amputated or something. The amputated kidney, I don't know. Is that any limbs?

Yeah. I think you have to remove a kidney. Unless you like your kidneys are hanging on the outside, which is a problem. Yeah. That's the condition you get if you're gay. Thanks Jim Dickens. If you're a shirt lifter, he's fucking kidney danglers. That's so fucking believable. It's like an incredibly boomer homophobic term. What does this even mean? Pancreas waivers. Yes. Well, he's had his pancreas interfered with more than a diabetic. Yeah. It's sort of like weird boomer myth that having having gay sex does something to your pancreas. Exactly. You find some random organ that apparently it's going to cause problems to.

It's like the obverse of saying that jacking off too much makes you go blind. Being gay too hard makes your pancreas stop working. I don't know how this is supposed to function. That's right. You know what? That never stopped. The weird boomer fucking, yeah. I guess you could say old wives tales. What do you call it? Folk wisdom? What the fuck do they call those things in Britain? Yeah. Like old wives tales, yeah, I guess. That kind of shit like, oh yeah, this old coffee stunts your growth or whatever. And Jim Davidson has many old wives. We've probably got a lot of tales as well. Man has acquired some tales. So we should talk a little bit about this pantomime. To be honest, because we both watched this a while back, our memories of it are going to be

slightly fuzzy. But I remember that at the start of the pantomime, Jim Davidson comes out on stage and he explains that he's playing the character of Boots who I can't even remember what the traditionally what the character of Boots does in Cinderella. I think it's like it's a character that's not in the fairy tale, but there's been invented for the pantomime version. This is like actually a crucial point about British pantomimes is that like they're all based on fairy tales and whatever, but like there's a canonical pantomime version and they all have these characters that are like they're in all the pantomimes, but they're not in the fairy tale. So like Aladdin always has Widow Twanky who runs a washing machine. That's right. And she is what ethnicity

Nate? I'm going to guess she's generic Asian. We're going to go with generic Asian. I think it's but I think it's kind of Chinese. I think that's sort of what they get. Yeah, it's a little bit. Usually the actors are not in yellow face. I say usually. Generally speaking, when things are aimed at children, they do think, well, we'll tone down the racism a bit, but not always. Not always. So yeah, Jim Davidson comes out and explains that in his version of Cinderella, Boots marries Cinderella rather than the prince. And he's like, and I know that Boots isn't supposed to marry her, but I'm Boots. So that's what's going to happen because it's my pantomime. And he basically makes a point of like, it's happening because he's horny. So he wants to

marry the princess. There it is. I was just laughing because he made me realize that a non canonical version of a fairy tale or story in which you just add new characters and then become canonical makes me realize that the 2014 Twitter screenplay marijuana Simpson that invented numerous members of the Simpsons family that don't exist could actually be a pantomime play if brought to life. That's right, Jim Davidson Simpson can only imagine. Yeah. And so then he makes, he makes some various comments about how Cinderella's a right looker. And so it's just there's a real like horny energy. It's incredibly horny. Yeah. And there's just come jokes left, right, front and center everywhere. Just fuck. There was so many come jokes. I can't

remember any of them now. The one that I can remember is Cinderella comes out will hurt her two, her two horrible step sisters who are played by dudes in drag. Yeah. And it plays like a fart horns version of Stevie Wonders. Isn't she lovely when her sisters come out? And then she's out there and she's like, do you know why they perfume? It's called come to me. And the girl, the sister goes, it doesn't smell like come to me. I mean, the best joke in the show. Pretty much. Yeah. Yeah. That's what you can expect from this production. Yeah, absolutely. And it's like, I don't know what it is, but there's a certain kind of it's very odd in that like Britain has produced so much actually really good comedy, but also

a lot of the most beloved comedy is like the absolute lowest common denominator. Like the audience at this thing are absolutely hooding and hollering at the fact that the ugly sisters are two blokes and dresses like 100%. Yeah. They're going, like people are like clapping like seals for this. Every time any comment is made about the appearance of the ugly sisters, people are losing it. Like it's like fully Bernie Mac at the Def Jam comedy thing levels of just like people losing their minds. But he's not calling his son gay when he's six years old, which was definitely a Bernie Mac thing. Or the famous just plus he tastes like pumpkin pie. Motherfucker, I ain't never had no pumpkin pie. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

So good. Man, that Bernie Mac set is something that I just periodically return to whenever I want to. Yeah. He's, he's so good. And it's seriously, I pull my shit out of the whole room. It's like, I think we are watching it and you're like, this guy, this guy's absolutely killing it with like no material. Yeah, basically. And just, and, and the fact that every time he delivers a punchline, he just has the DJ play a beat for him. Like it's incredible. Like, I feel like our jokes on the show could land so much better if we just had, we added a trash future DJ. Yeah, that's good at every time and just fucking drop some beats on it. Yeah. And we all wore jeans, which had our own face painted on them. Would have to be Hussein would have to be

the DJ because he always wanted to be the DJ. He wanted to be DJ Mike Chinota in Lincoln Park. So, you know, he can be DJ Hussein Kuzvani in trash future. He just DJ HK. He just, he just like, he plays the drop and then he goes dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Yeah. Um, hi. Hello. Moo. Yeah, I don't know if that's a bit the listeners even know about like the bit about like what Hussein would sound like if he was a cow. Well, I guess we have to tell it to him now. The origin of which is that once, I think it was on 10k post Phoebe was trying to get Hussein to moo. And she discovered that he couldn't move. Like he just kept going, moo. And she's like, no, that's not, that's, that's the word, but that's not how it actually sounds. And so then we got

into a bit of like, what would a cow that was Hussein actually sound like? You've got, uh, moo. Moo. Who's saying can't moo? That's incredible. I don't know who I want that in. He's motionless. He's like, come over here. They can't even move. I can't move like a fucking cow. British case. I don't know what, I don't know what cows stand like in Islamist stand, but over here they go moo. He makes bloody goat noises like a fucking champ. Hey, that's kind of Australian wasn't it? Jesus. I can only repeat British people that have heard say things. I can't really riff on British voices. That's what kills me. Particularly kind of Australian racism is that they think Muslims have only ever been exposed to goats. That sounds like a thing an Australian would say.

Let's be real. Yeah. If you're Australian, write in. Don't write in. Yeah. And so then the fairy godmother character is being played by like a short old man who keeps coming on and making like very weird and baroque comments about how horny he is, including at one point where he is giving Cinderella the like genie lamp thing to get the actual fairy godmother or like they'll make the wishes or whatever. I don't know. Who is the old guy? Because you see the old guy who basically like comes up down like the line of the cast and is insulting all of them and like the one South Asian member of the cast. He's like four of guys named Mo down the road or something like that. Like it's like you said

some kind of really weird oblique racist joke that like I get that the joke is supposed to be making fun of him for being South Asian, but I don't know what he's actually saying. Yeah, to be honest, that even that one passed me by to be honest. I was just like, I can tell that it's racist because the audience is laughing and it's a brown guy. That's all I know about what's going on right now. But yeah, so he's giving a he's giving her the like the lamp, the lamp in inverted commas, which is a huge black dildo and he's trying to explain to her that she has to like rub it to make a wish and she keeps like just like wiggling it or whatever.

Oh, they're pretending it's like an electric dildo with like vibration settings. So like they get like, yeah, turn it up another one and she starts like violently shaking this dildo. And then she's like, oh, but what's it for? And he like keeps obliquely hinting about what it's for, but never like anyway, she wanks off the dildo and then she gets her three wishes. That's the ultimately that's what that's what happens. Yes, you can tell this is just genius stuff. Can you imagine in 1995 spending like the equivalent of 30 pounds to like come see this show and just it's just this and then getting the DVD on the way out being like hell yeah, and then be like, why it fucks a DVD? I've never seen this before.

Getting a gang on VHS on your way out. Gonna get on Betamax. Oh, 100%. It's like a two beta max set. The second beta max is just pornography. Well, after this, you'll probably want to wank. It's so bawdy. It's so fucking Randy. Yeah, the Cinderella character is kind of a milf to be fair. That's sort of like British. She looks a bit like the British like the British porn stars from the 90s. Like the 90s were really like the golden age of British porn of like kind of like the like

we've come around this housewife her husband's way on business. We're gonna give her a right good scene too. She's like, oh, oh, you're a cheeky cat. That kind of porn. All the porn actors are overdubbed and the voice actor is just Dave Courtney. Basically, yeah, straight to like, I don't know if you've ever heard of bend over. I can guess where it's going. There is a there is a British porn star from the 90s called bend over, who I put not his real name, presumably, who I think he did actually an Edinburgh fringe show like 10 years ago about like his life and pornography, but he made all of these.

Maybe we should do a British on British porn. We just have to like watch a lot of porn together. But yeah, he made all these like porn VHS tapes in the 90s and I think make quite a lot of money out of it. But they are just like, if you think fake taxi is absurd, the bend over pornography collection is is quite something. And then like all of the like just all of the women are called like, oh, Wendy. And yeah, it's quite and it's always like four blokes are all called like Darren. It was like, oh yeah, let's have a look at let's have a look at that clunge then. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, I've told the story before about seeing Britain,

the British porn ads, like web banner ads on the internet in the early 2000s. And they were completely inscrutable to me at the time so I can only imagine what actually watching the genuine article would be like. It's Jesus got four tarts, slobbing up his knob. I think I hate repeating jokes and I know that my dad tendency to do this, but seeing a banner ad in 2003 and it's just like Britain's super tit queen shakes her lovely jugs for you. What the fuck? What is this English? What the fuck? At the super tit queen. That was before we had the queen we have now. We had her.

Yeah, it was an interesting time. You know, she died of her boobs being too large. Anime figurine style. She couldn't walk. She couldn't do anything. Expert surgeons from the Sun newspaper was trying to try and rescue her. But sadly, there was nothing they could do. She began collapsing into a singularity. That's how they like it. I mean, you might not know, but you know who Katie Price is, right, Jordan? I think so. She's like the most famous British page three girl, basically. And now she's like a media brand. She was married to Peter Andre,

someone else who's come up on this episode. And so there was a time, I know how old I was, because this news story came out around the time of my grandfather's funeral. I was about 12, maybe 13. And she was considering getting a breast reduction because she had like ridiculously huge fake boobs, right? And the Sun, and this is genuinely true, launched a campaign called Keeper, where the Sun, they had like a cut out thing in the newspaper where you as a reader of the Sun could fill out a petition to send to Katie Price that she should keep her massive boobs. And on the next page, there was a different petition to hang a group of guys who'd murdered a dog. And if that isn't the most British two page, one two punch combo, you can think of.

Jesus Christ. Absolutely disgusting. They've murdered a dog. They should hang them. They keep those lovely pillows the same size. Absolutely. It's super. Love tits, eight dog murderers, simple as. Can't reduce them. That's not patriotic. That's right. That's right. It's talking down pretty. That's the European Union. Brussels say that Katie fucking often is a Katy Perry. They're a very different person. Katy Price can't have boobs that big. That's right. Just imagining some Barack EU regulation that boobs have to be a certain size, not a thing that would ever exist, but you could absolutely convince British people that that

thing existed. If they were willing to believe that the EU mandated that bananas had to be straight and not bent, then they absolutely would believe that the EU was trying to make boobs illegal. Belgium trying some Baroque way to make pedophilia legal by putting a maximum on boobs size. God damn it. Yeah, pretty much like I said, I mean, and yet it all comes back to the same culture that produced an idea that you should make dirty versions of children's nursery rhymes as a stage play. Absolutely. Well, I mean, because we've had limericks for years, which are another classic. Is that a thing you really get in American limericks? Oh, yeah, for sure. I mean, you just learn enough of them that, yeah, growing up in such that the

meter and everything like is pretty common. Yeah. I mean, like, you know, there once was a man from Nintucket who's tick was so long he could suck it. That man became a podcast. He did. He's got a huge Patreon now. And the star of Danish Children's TV. See, now that's a classic difference between like the Nordic, the Germanic peoples of Northern Europe and Britain is that like we're both comfortable with bawdy shit in front of children, except that like the Germanic shit is so like clinical. It's like, yeah, he's a man with a very long penis. It's important that children learn about big hogs.

There's nothing funny about it. It's just a thing that some people have is a very big penis. I just feel like British people, if you actually go beyond soft core, they become very, very uncomfortable at it existing. Like the entire world could operate on soft or like a sort of soft core porn body hospital sort of section of things. And people would be fine with it. But like the minute that it crossed into actually like having sex, they're like, no, they claim up. Yeah. No, most British people absolutely hate King of any kind. Like they want to come home in their Audi A3 to their Taylor Red Row house, to their wife who has like medium to large breasts, remark on the size of those breasts,

eat a meal that is composed entirely of white components, like a chicken breast mashed potato and some boiled cauliflower, and watch like, you know, like Love Island or something. Go watch Love Island in the living room, which is entirely gray. Everything is gray or shiny silver, but something, something approaching the same color. Yeah. They spend all their lives like doing like nuts magazine style, like going, oh yeah, she's tasty, but like they never know actually what to do with the woman when they're exposed to one. It's just like, well, missionary sex it is, I suppose.

Like the boardiness is all of the font really. Yeah. Unless you get to upper class Britons who are into like, if there's not a Nazi uniform involved, they can't even get hard. Like that's the, Well, the, the extent to which the, the Tory sex party is such a like a, like, like, you know, weird group sex party, like someone can become a society figure in Britain because they're famous for organizing sex parties. As long as like they went to a fancy enough school and have the right accent, everyone's just like fine. Absolutely. Yes. But if you're, if you're working class and do that, they call it a grooming gang,

you know, just the dichotomy of Britain. Unless you're like, also there's like wealthy provincial bats who goes to, who goes to the sex club in like Romford or whatever. And like there it's like very less like a bunch of guys who are like kind of like spiritually working class, but now own two white Range Rovers. And then they're at the sex club, which has like a fucking fetid hot tub where like you get sucked off by this woman called Brenda, who everyone in the town knows. Oh yeah, she's a right sort. I remember when I, when I came here for a job interview years ago, before, before I moved her permanently, I had to fly out of, um, Stanstead Airport.

How did you get in the big stance of the airport hot tub? Well, I was thinking about Stanstead and I was thinking about how to get to your gates, you have to pass through like 18 different malls, like you just can't avoid one big duty free. Little Dubai in Essex. Everywhere you go, there's a, there's signs saying like, have a great holiday, please don't assault the police or we'll have to arrest you. And I went to go use a men's room at one point and written on the, like the wall, the toilet were like a number of different names and numbers for prostitutes in Magaluf.

And I was just like, this is so, this is a, if Americans could see this kind of Britain, they would understand it a little, a lot more than fuck, we need to do a lads holiday episode. Yeah, that was, and that's been the thing for a long time too, hasn't it? Cause I remember hearing about like 90s, the sort of Shagaluf equivalent was, um, going to Greece, wasn't it? I mean, maybe it's still there. They're all still going, yeah, my, my sister went to Shagaluf in like 2000 or like 99s, something like that. Really? Yeah. Uh, my sister's a lot older than me. She wasn't a child, so that would be weird. Um, uh, yeah, no, it's still a huge thing. Actually,

me and my mates at six form wanted to go to, I think Malia, which is in Crete, I believe. But, uh, we were in this kind of like big friendship group and we got voted down because like there were about 20 of us and 10 of them were kind of like my friends and then 10 of them were kind of like another group of friends, but they were like loosely connected. But the other, like the other 10 people were like quite boring and insisted that we go to Cornwall because it would be quite and quite cheaper. It was not cheaper. What it was was a fuck of a lot rainier. Yeah, I can only imagine. And I missed out on my one and only opportunity to get gonorrhea. So, you know, I thought it was going to be something more interesting though. I thought

you're going to be like, yeah, we were on our way to go to Magaluf, but then like the, the, the, the seven, seven bombings happened. Someone punched the police. And then I was like, wait a minute, Malia would have been like 11 when the seven or 12, when the seven, seven bombings happened. So yeah, that would have been a bit premature for a Shagaluf holiday. A little bit. Yeah. He's an early bloomer. I remember seeing those photos of kids on their way to like a fucking Everton match or something like that. And they're like 10 or 11 year old kids drinking tall boys of San Miguel. And I was just like, Britain is a different country. Let's be perfectly honest. All of them wearing burberry scarves, like incredible stuff.

I'm sure you remember the, or maybe, maybe you weren't on like British online at this point when there was like those pictures from an underage night at a nightclub in Kent that went viral. It's like they, sometimes in Kent and Essex, I mean, we talked about the, yeah, where they, they open up the nightclubs to like 16 to 18 year olds and they don't serve alcohol. And like, there was just amazing pictures of all these kind of like, like chubby, like 15 year old boys, like trying to look hard in these pictures. And it was just like, I think I've seen them. I think I know what you're talking about. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were like, so they got overtaken by the nightclub meme of the guy whispering in the girls ear.

He looks horrified. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Another British nightclub photo. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a, it's one of those things where it just doesn't exist in America. So it's always hilarious to like imagine, it would be interesting to grow up here and have that be an option. It would be interesting to grow up and be like, oh yeah, by the way, every Christmas our family watches like a naughty version of Cinderella or even not the body version, but just like a weird, bolderized version of a fairy tale adapted for the stage with like, you know, sub Rosa dick jokes for the parents and stuff like that. But then you also realize that if you, if you do grow up here, then well, then this is home.

Yeah. And it's just normal to you. Yeah. All this stuff is normal to you. I saw a gym, David, when I was a child. You're kidding. He didn't write the Panto, but he was in it. It was a production of, I think Dick Whittington and he was Dick Whittington. And I was a little bit racist. I can't really remember, but I do remember at the time when I must have been like six, I don't know. It was a Harlow Playhouse represent. I thought that this one joke was hilarious, which he was just like, because they did like, it's like mostly directed at the kids. So you don't really get that in this Panto, but like, they'll come out and they'll be like, all right, children. And they like throw sweets at you and

shit. And they try and get kids up on stage to do stuff, which I would always refuse to do. As a child, I had like a very keen sense of my own dignity. And I'm not going up there. And I'd be like, there'd be some like paid actor trying to drag me on the stage. And I'd be like, no. I was quite an insufferable child. And at some point, Jim Davidson was like, kids, what, why is it that some chickens lay brown eggs and some chickens lay white eggs? And then everyone's like, I don't know. And he's like, because some chickens don't wipe their bums. I thought that was fucking hilarious. That occurred to me that no chickens wipe their bums. Exactly. They're filthy animal. They're disgusting. Yeah. Filthy little boy.

To quote Fanny Craddock. To quote me as Fanny Craddock. I'm not sure if Fanny Craddock ever said that specific thing, but it's sort of thing she would say. Of course. Yeah. Well, I mean, you have to kind of get into the spiritual sense of this all. I mean, fuck, that's another Britonology. I was going to say, yeah, like a going, going more into detail. Fanny Craddock and Keith Floyd. God, so many Keith's. All of them the same. So many Keith's. Yeah. If you're from Britain, your dad is called Keith. Dude, don't at me to tell me your dad isn't called Keith and you're from Britain. Which is hilarious because I'm not from Britain

and my dad is called Keith. Oh, fuck. I remember this. Because your dad's name was Keith. My dad's called Keith. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My dad's called Keith. Probably his dad's called Keith now, whether he likes it or not. Yeah. Well, I mean, he's Canadian. He's basically British. Keith. That's right. Yeah. He kind of did the Britain of North America. That's our take. Yeah. There it is. Well, we didn't really go that much in detail on this, but I'm still just transfixed by the phenomenon of it. Yeah. That these things, for better or worse, like if Christmas was canceled because the Blitz was happening, you're like, well, what the fuck are we going to do for the kids? I don't know. Put on a bullshit stage show.

Like that would make sense. Yeah. You got the air raid warden in a dress in the tube. You're a cheeky contagion. Like if that was what was going on, I get it. But like that becoming like this long standing tradition, it just seems odd to me. It's so bizarre. Don't get me wrong. The Northern Europeans are weird. They do TV shows about men with huge dicks and they're intended for children, but they do at least get the sort of ceremonial stuff down pretty well when it comes around the holidays. Of course, they also have a special island off the coast. It's really inhospitable where they put all the immigrants. I'm not saying we should emulate everything about them, but I do find it funny sometimes that there are things here. There

are not as many what you would call traditions that seem to date to like the pre-modern era, in a way. I think Panto kind of does actually. I think it's like a 19th century thing. I mean, I don't know if you want to call that pre-modern or not. Yeah. I mean, it's not like it's not like Maypoles and stuff like that. Yeah, you get that shit, but that's weird. Yeah. Morris dancing is... I refuse to do a Britonology on Morris dancing. It's okay. We don't have to do it. I mean like... They made us do Maypoles in school though. Really? Yeah. When I was growing up, every... I guess in May, presumably, they would bring out a fucking Maypole in the school hall and you would have a few PE lessons over a few weeks where you would practice doing the fucking Maypole dancing

with ribbons and shit. British school is a combination of just constant abuse and bullying and making the teacher cry and also like Martin Prince's wet dream. It's such a weird jarring combination of things. I have a reverse one for you then. I have midwestology for you because when I was in middle school, they made us do square dancing. Oh, hell yeah. So many people that I know, no matter where they grew up in America, learned how to square dance and the reason for that, and I'm not joking, was the political pressure and money provided by Henry Ford to try to like encourage traditional American Protestant square dancing because he thought jazz was a Jewish conspiracy to control the mind.

I'm not joking. Because Henry Ford was so racist and so anti-Semitic, he was like, everyone in America has to learn how to square dance as a child because otherwise America will become jazz-ridden and Jewish. It's so normal. It's so cool. What I love about Jewish conspiracies and there's so much to love about them, or rather the theories thereof, rather than the conspiracies themselves, is that they will come up, like there was an easier racist conspiracy theory. It would be easier to say it's a black conspiracy to make since it's black music, right? But no, it's like the Jews are putting them up to it. That's the whole thing that the weird great replacement shit is that the more insanely racist people you find, they basically

argue that, yeah, all of these, as they see it, inferior races are being manipulated by the Jewish conspiracy. So you effectively have, yeah, you have to come up with an 18 times more convoluted explanation for something because you have to tick a box for every one of the people that you're convinced is fucking, you know, like Mike Dick doesn't work because, you know, Mossad or something like that. I hate it when they do that. That's actually on that. That's the real, like, the eternal unstoppable force and immovable object struggle between Mossad and the Viagra corporation. Mossad has a secret dick don't work on. They just blast people with everywhere they go. That's what the Pfizer vaccine is really about. It's about combating Mossad's conspiracy to

stop everyone's dick from getting on. Well, you know what? I realized is that we could, if we just ran with that sort of thing and made a stage show, we could do our own Panto. Absolutely. We could literally do our own. Every time the Mossad agents come on stage, they get booed. That actually would be kind of funny to do like a fake Panto radio play. But we are going to make your dick soft and everyone's like, no more Christian babies from your broken dick. Who's Barak, an erection destroyer and a man who has worn a dress. Yes. Barak has worn drag. He could be a British comedian.

Oh, fuck. Yeah, that would rule. I would love to do the Mossad Panto. Well, specifically, we don't want to do one just in house. Just at Mossad headquarters. It's like a bit of fun at the end of the year. Like a hood Barak. We have a little bit of budget left. It's time to have some fun, put on a dress. No, no, we're not doing mission in Beirut right now. Just put on a dress. Well, you know what? This has been Britannology. I am, as always, Nate Bethea. I'm, as always, Milo Edwards. If you want to watch Cinderella, the entire thing is on YouTube. You don't have to spend 15 pounds on Jim Davidson's website for a DVD.

Absolutely. You know, I love that Jim Davidson hasn't even been bothered to lodge a copyright claim because he knows that all the people buying his DVDs cannot use the internet. Like there's no chance of them ever finding it on YouTube. There is no overlap on those fucking Venn diagrams. They can't even operate the DVD player. Like they're buying that DVD and then getting their grandson to put it in the DVD player for them as they've got like a fucking container of lube and tissues sat next to them. Every time he sells it, for every one time he sells a DVD, he gets 10 emails about how do I open PDF. So that's his fan base. That's why he stays racist as

shit. And you know what? I think as long as there is a Britain, there will be a Jim Davidson analog. That guy will exist. That guy is eternal. There will never be a Jim Davidson digital. It's absolutely anathema to them. Well, in that case, until next time, there's actually going to be two Britonologies this month. So we are in the content minds for you people. And if you're listening to this one, thanks for subbing to the $10 tier. Thank you very much. A special bonus just for you guys, the Golden Hawks. Oh, to the tune of the 1995 Tina Turner song, Golden Eye.

Golden Hawks. You're like, you're in the inner circle. You're like the eyes wide shot trash feature party. You do not want to be at that party. No. All right, everyone. We cannot legally say what would be at that party. Rather, it would get upset. Have a good one, everyone. See you later.