TRASHFUTURE - UNLOCKED - Goldearm: RIP Quibi 2020-2020 (ft. Beep Beep Lettuce)

Episode Date: October 25, 2020

Quibi is dead. Long live Quibi. We are unlocking the second of our two part series on Quibi to commemorate the impact Quibs have had on our society, culture, and ourselves. The land and the Quib are one! ORIGINAL SHOW NOTES: Our friends Chris and Bryn from the podcast Beep Beep Lettuce join us to watch a selection of show on Quibi. Suggested talking points include the Golden Arm, Our Friend the Sex Doll, and other outgrowths of the capitalist Dadaism reified in Quibi. Listen to us all become mentally unwell. If you want access to our Patreon bonus episodes and powerful Discord server, sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture We support the London Renters Union, which helps people defeat their slumlords and avoid eviction. If you want to support them as well, you can here: https://londonrentersunion.org/donate Here's a central location to donate to bail funds across the US to help people held under America's utterly inhumane system: https://secure.givelively.org/donate/the-bail-project If you want one of our *fine* new shirts, designed by Matt Lubchansky, then e-mail trashfuturepodcast [at] gmail [dot] com. £15 for patrons, £20 for non-patrons, plus shipping. *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind GYDS dot com). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/

Welcome everybody to this bonus episode of trash future bonus bonus golden bonus golden bonus Yeah, I'm a golden arms dealer. Yeah, yo, we are here in part two of our two part exploration of the company quibi. And as promised, we did all of this stuff about about the interest rates and union busting and stuff that quibi does in the previous episode. This is the fun one where we talk about what what all of that was for all of that was for was to get this content out to you. One of the like 10 people that actually watch his quibi. It's Riley Milo Hussein and Alice for TF. And then our very good friends representing the podcast beep beep lettuce from America or from whatever like America America from the Minneapolis people soviets. Yeah,

the New York City Free Zone. Yeah, yeah from the from the New York City Free Zone. It is Chris and Bryn from beep beep lettuce. How are you? How are you doing? Hi, we are good. I'm high on quibi. I've just a bunch of quibi and it's amazing. Yeah, like those my anti drugs posters from way back. This is your brain on quibi. Quibi is my anti drug. Yeah. Yeah, I dropped a quibi in the club now I'm sweating. So what we've done is we have all watched several episodes quick bites of quibi and we all love quibi now and we all are talking about the gold. No, I'm waiting for her. We're all quibbs. I don't think this is going to make any quibbs. It's like small quibbs. My house is so small.

You have a cat somberg showing off his house after he goes bankrupt from starting quibi. I live in this box. They do that. They have a small architecture show where they design dog houses for the dogs of celebrities. They have that. I was like, what is this architecture? Is that what it's called? Architecture. I don't believe this. You're making this up to test us. My problem with quibi, it all feels fake. Every one of them feels like a parody. Yeah, this is the thing, right? Like, yeah, every single show that I watched on there, I was either laughing incredibly hard at things I shouldn't have been laughing at or I was just straight dissociating. Some of this did not feel real to me. It was lost time.

All right, so here's the thing. I think we all want to start with the same show here, which is 50 States of Fright because I really want to talk about everything. The spooky zone. 50 States of Fright was the one I picked because I thought, well, A, I'm a big horror nerd, but B, I just thought the concept of a very, very short thing that you watch on your phone is the worst way to watch a horror anything. Yeah, it's just Sam Raimi just comes up on your phone and is like, boo. Like, you guys, I think Riley, you told me like the whole idea of this thing was that

they wanted people to be watching shows between commercials of other shows or some shit. Like that or like, well, you're on the bus or waiting in the queue for a cup of coffee or getting arrested. Any situation where you're incredibly distracted is not, you're not going to be scared. So I don't know what this was. When you're on the plane to the private island and you just got time to watch 100 quibbies. Imagine somebody in line at Starbucks, like looking at their phone and then they're just like that's just an anxiety disorder. Quibi is just giving people an anxiety disorder.

I'm having a huge screenplay in my house and the exact aspect ratio of a phone so that I can watch Quibi on the big screen. You have to get a remote controlled screen so that you can because there's one of the shows. I can't remember which one it was, is designed to take advantage of the technology where you turn the phone so that you can feel like you can feel like the reporter looking at the text messages they get in a way that wasn't definitely just shoe-horning this technology and something like mirror shit. That was stupid. Okay. So Bryn, please lead us on a journey through 50 States of Fright.

So 50 States of Fright is written and directed by Sam Raimi. I assume it's an anthology show, but we only watched, I only watched two episodes and the first two episodes are the same story, which we're called... Yeah, that's three parts. It's three parts. Oh, they wrap it up in the next five minutes. Yes. And then the one after this, the one that we're all going to talk about, the golden art, the one after that is about, is Kansas and it's the world's biggest ball of twine. That's literally the premise. It's just roadside attractions.

In that one, the like giant ball of twine sucks in a little go. Oh, it's just the blob, but also a weird Al song. Just push to the twine aside. None of us could have predicted that the world's biggest ball of twine would also be a pedophile. What's the little thing we wanted to happen? What happens in Michigan? So in Michigan, this episode was called, or this story is called The Golden Arm, and it is about a very fancy lass who lives in Michigan in what appears to be the 50s or something.

Unclear what year it is, but an old wise black man is telling a story for no reason. He doesn't need to be in this show at all, but it makes it feel weird. But he's telling us this story about a young, beautiful lady who's the hottest thing in town and she knows it, and she's very beautiful and she's married to this guy, or married to this guy. Who's Chris Hemsworth looking motherfucker? Yeah, who's got a nice big beard and he's, he's very sexy or whatever. And they make furniture, facial expressions. That's really important.

He has almost, yeah, I don't know if there's two. It's mostly one. I guess there's the anger and then nothing. So he, he's supposed to be felling a tree one day and his, his coworker can't come. So he asks his wife to help him fell a tree. And while following a tree, the tree lands on her arm and he has to cut it off with an axe, which is gross. And I will give this scene points for making me not want to look at it

because it was a little bit in gross, but not scary. You knew it was going to happen the minute they go to the forest. And then after that, she's very sad and hates everybody and herself because she's horrible or she's an ableist. She hates herself. Yeah, he's a prosthetic arm, which looks nothing like any prosthetic arm ever made in the last hundred years. It looks like the Terminator 2's skeleton.

And she's like, yeah, this arm sucks. I don't want it. It looks like the, yeah, the Terminator. And she's like, it's hideous. I'm disgusted by it. And so everyone is fine with it. No one cares, but she's like, I will kill myself. Yeah. So some kids are like, huh.

And then they just like kind of go about their business. Yeah. And then there's these weird like pratfall scenes where she just keeps like dropping her groceries and stuff. Yeah, there's like literally a disabled lady. Get a hand, bitch. Literally 15 seconds of shot of her fucking up a baguette. What does she want those children to do? Be like, looking hot, Mrs. Horror Story?

Yes, literally, yes. Because later, when she gets the golden arm, another little girl comes up to her and is like, damn, you must be a fucking princess or something. Who made that golden arm for you? And she's like, that's right. Right. So she walks into her husband's barn at some point, who is designing on AutoCAD a new arm for her.

So that it's prettier, but it still kind of just looks like the Terminator arm. I don't know. He's a wood guy. Like literally, we've seen him make tables and then he just like turns his hand to like a prosthetic arm. It's so cool. It's so cool that this is just clearly the first draft of a story.

And Sam Raimi had to be like, okay, what next? How about fiddling around in his drunk drawer? A ball of twine. The next one is killer paper clips. The one guy doing coke at the other end of the table. She's not got the arm and she's depressed because the kids are mocking her for not having an arm. And this one guy's like, well, give that bitch a gold arm.

It's creepy. I love that she goes into the barn and again, there's like, yeah, he's a lumberjack who's just like, anyway, I've designed like a neural interface. Also, it's the fifties, I thought, or something. And but he's apparently using an AutoCAD software that feels very incongruent at the, in this show. And she's like, he's gold member.

He loves gold. Gotta be what it is. Okay, sorry, carry on. So she's like, wow, that looks cool. Do you really think you could make that? And he's like, totally, I totally can. And then we can't afford it. She's like, could you make it out of gold though?

And he's like, no, absolutely not. And you know how much gold is worth? And she's like, I don't want to say just like fucking solid gold arm. You can't make mechanical shit out of gold. It's too soft. Yeah, it doesn't even make any sense. And so truly a neural interface,

like a perfect neural interface would cost way more than, I don't know, a bar of gold. Yeah. And so he's like, no, you cannot do that. And she's like, don't you fucking love me? And he's like, yeah, God damn it. And so he makes it out of gold. And apparently, according to a magical wise black man,

they have to sell their, or put a second mortgage on their house and sell all of his like band saws and shit. Just so he can make this. I think Marx wrote about that. Yeah. Point three of capital. That's right. Which would it all?

At any given time, at any given time, the equity of 90% of Americans is tied up in band saws. Just sell your band saws. You have nothing to lose but your band saws. I love to put my house up as collateral so that I can give my wife a preposterously heavy arm that will like damage her shoulders. Well, not her shoulders, Milo.

No, her lungs. Because shortly after this, I guess she shows it off. I can't even remember. These are so short. She shows it off a few times and then immediately gets what is it? Pulmonary gold disease? She gets a cough first.

She gets a cough. She gets a cough. And then the wise black man is like then she got sick and it's smashed cut to her in a hospital bed looking all kinds of fucked up. And the doctor is literally like, and I think every single one of us took psychic damage hearing this line.

The doctor is like, yeah, no, your bones fucked up. You got too much gold in them bones. You're going to have to take off that golden arm. You have pulmonary gold disease. Ma'am, ma'am, you've too much gold. You be shopping too much. And she's like, fuck it.

I'll die before I take off this awesome golden arm. There's nothing about her character at this point that has been like she loves gold. She's just super vain. Like that's literally the thing. It's literally just women be shopping. That's the whole premise of this. I'm not going to take off my arm.

I love gold. Just wear like a glove or something between your skin and the gold. Why would you be absorbing gold through your... It's not a reactive mouth. No, I won't. I'm going to wear the gold on my skin. I like how it feels expensive.

And like her skin is melting off like she's in Chernobyl because of this fucking gold. It's getting into her lungs somehow. Yeah. Yeah. But again, to be clear, there's no CG. I don't think we ever see the hand move. We don't see her wound.

There's no production value at all. Well, they spent all the money on a real gold arm is the problem. Why do you think Quibi got that $2 billion valuation? They're like, well, they have gold and that's worth quite a bit. So even if all the shows fail, you know, we can still sell the gold.

Gold arm. Gold arm, get a bandsaw, become a factory. Then for cooking. Katzenberg and Meg Whitman just become, they go from high-flying CEOs and investors to simple woodwork. But yeah, she fucking dies, right? Oh, yeah.

They spend all the money on the fucking cutting off the arm scene, and then she just dies uneventfully. Yeah. No, no, no, not uneventfully. She like grabs him with the golden arm and she's like in a super fucked up voice, which is weird, bury me with my golden arm promise.

And he's like, yeah, okay, I promise to bury you with a golden arm. Weird, though. I feel like this needs to stay thin, like listen, sunshine. If I don't get buried with a golden arm, I don't get buried with this golden arm in the next 15 minutes.

So I'm sending back a rap to ominous voice. So what happens is that in the third episode, it's basically just, he's like, ah, fuck, I spent all my money on this golden arm. Looks like I need to do something. I know what I can find for money. The second episode ends with him. There's the funeral and she's buried with the arm

and he's looking at it like, god damn it, I'm going to need that. He's playing the piano ominously and then he just stomp and he's like, I've got to get back on it. And he says to a picture on his wall, I got to get that back of that arm. And then he tries to the cemetery

and the second thing ends. It's so funny that he's playing the Nintendo Wii theme tune on piano, though. That's the song that you play when you've lost all your money in some kind of carpemémy prosthetics theme. Oh, my god. Okay, the third one.

The third one, what happens is... This is what happens when you bust unions for your writers. This is what happens. No, the third one. The third one opens up. He's in the graveyard. He's trying to get the golden arm off

and she's looking all kinds of fucked up but also not really that fucked up. Like less than you would expect. She just looks like a zombie. And she's in there with the golden arm and he's trying to pull the golden arm off and her eyes flick open. Woo, big jump scare.

He's like, well, must have been my imagination. He closes her eyes again. And then he can't get the arm off so he has to hack her arm off with the goddamn axe again. Why does this prosthetic arm not have a fucking release mechanism? It has a perfect neural interface

and it's made in solid gold but there's no button you can press to like loosen the grip. Also, he made it. Hacks his wife's arm off with the axe again and he takes the golden arm home. And there's no bit of arm left in the golden arm. No, no, no.

We don't even see him empty that shit out either. Like anyway, but he takes the golden arm home and then spooky shit starts happening. Windows start rattling. All the doors start banging open and shit. And the picture of... There are sounds of horses neighing for some reason. I know it's that but no horses involved.

The picture of her looking happy and like hot and everything flips. And now she's like outside the door with an axe on the picture. And this fucking dumb ass is like, damn, that's fucked up. Better not look at that picture some more. And she just like, she stalks into the house, right?

And he runs upstairs and literally hides under a blanket from this fucking zombie armless woman who has his axe because he threw it away in terror. Also, he doesn't say or anything or make any noises from the time when he digs up the body to like pretty much the end. Like he just is pulling like a face like he's trying to take a very difficult shit.

Absolutely. Hem's worth taking a massive shit. So they don't have to pay him full scale. He's hiding under this blanket with like holes in it. And she's like, where is my golden arm? This is still Trump again, isn't it? Yeah, no. And so like he thrusts the golden arm out

from underneath the blank. He's like, take it, take it back. And she takes the arm back and then she backs away, right? And he puts the cover down or like scared. Well, she seems like she's disappeared. Like it's kind of like. Yeah, and you like and as you were having the thought, oh, this is going to force sense of security.

She lunges out of the darkness, Adam, with the axe and like cuts his throat open. And then, yeah, I don't know. And then we cut back to the wise black man who tells us that they buried the two of them together again. And everybody in this county in Michigan knows that there's this golden arm down in this grave, but ain't nobody full enough to go and dig it up.

Yeah, it was legal for her to kill them with the axe because of the castle doctrine, actually. That's true. As you can see with your golden arm, it means you can hit them with an axe. And so the moral of the story is if you like it, you can put the arm on it. Well, I've noticed that we've gone 20 minutes on

the single best show on the show where a woman loves shopping so much that she has an arm made out of gold for some reason. But there is so much more crazy shit on on quibi. I'd like to turn now to judge Chrissy. Chrissy Teigen's court saying vegetables after that. I can't believe I watched this and not the golden arm episode. I didn't watch this one. Why did we start with dessert?

This one was the hardest on me emotionally because it felt like I was just dissociating. Yes. I feel like that's probably a good place to start because listening, I only watched Chrissy's court on quibi and listening to the golden arm stuff, I sort of regret that. I didn't watch something like so insane,

but at least kind of had a narrative to it. At least you could think things along the lines of what the fuck did I just watch, but you could think stuff. With Chrissy Teigen's court, because from what I remember, Chrissy Teigen's court was one of the flagship shows designed to kind of advertise court. Oh, yeah. It's on the homepage of the app.

Yeah. So the way that I would start this is basically by saying that Chrissy's Teigen's court, or Chrissy's court as it's called, is one of three things. The first is that it's just kind of a very boring show that has largely been sold on the basis that Chrissy Teigen is a fairly well-known, somewhat funny, but largely kind of inconsequential, twisted personality.

And TV producers kind of saw that as an opportunity of like having a ready-set audience who are sort of willing to follow her to like this kind of new and innovative platform. The second, gone. For people who may not know who Chrissy Teigen is, she's just a Twitter person? Yeah. And John Legend's wife.

I was going to go on to this in a second because what I was going to say was that to understand Chrissy Teigen's court, you first have to actually understand who Chrissy Teigen is. And there's like a lot to unpack there. So I'll go back to that in a second. The second option for what Chrissy's court is, is you know the movie The Dark Knight Rises?

Yeah. When Satan takes over, he institutes a court system. And I've always been interested in how that court worked. And I always kind of felt that like in reality, if someone like Bane did take over like Gotham, Chrissy Teigen's court would probably be like the thing most akin to what the Bane court would look like. Are you saying that Chrissy Teigen is Scarecrow from The Batman?

Yes. But she's better in the sense that like, so you know, so if you remember like how The Dark Knight were in The Dark Knight Rises, how the court works, there's like no paperwork. There's no real kind of like evidence or anything. It's literally like you suck as a person. So I've sort of like predetermined what is going to happen to you.

But we're going to have this conversation because we need to like kill some time and just like hang out and be guys and stuff. It's a purely violence-based, just a show process. But before I pronounce judgment, why doesn't my beautiful husband sing us one of his wonderful songs? I mean, the third reading of Chrissy's court is really that it's like a private equity-backed scheme

to reboot John Legend's career. Interesting. So it could also be the Bane court in the situation like that. So look, to understand the show, you really have to understand what Chrissy Teigen is about and we like, we touched on it for a second. For the most part, for the uninitiated among us, Chrissy Teigen kind of was introduced as like a Twitter personality,

someone who had this like large following and kind of, you know, I think she like does cooking, but she's not like a professional cook or stuff. It's just like- She's like a cool girl online. That's her thing. She's famous for being hot. Like she's not even that hot.

So she used to be a supermodel and then she got married to John Legend. Really? Oh, she's a model. Yeah, she's a supermodel. She's a sports illustrative model, swimsuit-issued. Yeah. So- I gotta be honest.

I'm not saying that, but- She got married to her. She's not ugly, but she's not like markedly attractive. Oh, she's, yeah. Her head is the exact same diameter as her neck and it freaks me out. Yeah, she has the, she has the phrenology you only find in cops otherwise,

or the neck just goes straight up. So when she marries John Legend, she kind of like leaves like being a model and becomes like this internet personality. As Alice said, like cool, like cool girl vibes, like the cool mom vibes, I guess. Just like someone who you can like tell, you know, all the cool aunt vibes

where you can like, you know, tell them stories about, you know, sex and drugs and all that stuff. And she'll be like, damn, that's awesome. And I had that kind of- Yeah, she makes like relatable faces in the crowd at like award ceremonies. And you can be like, damn, she's just like us. And a lot of her brand is basically like,

I married John Legend and we're couples goals because both of us like, look, you know, have great skin and we like tease each other with jokes and everything. And like, you know, a lot of her brand is like kind of lightly mocking John Legend and John Legend being like, damn, my wife is cool. They have the same relationship

as Flora Gill and her mother. I feel like they have the same- I totally fucked. As a Cody and Dan Harmon from the next show, we're going to talk about- Ooh, yeah. Oh no, fuck. Yeah, to be fair to Chrissy Teigen,

I don't think that she's like, you know, she's, her kind of like, her kind of sex life of John Legend isn't as exposed as like the sex life between or the sex life that like- No, it's relationship goals rather than like sex goals. It's implied. What happens actually in the episodes of Chrissy Teigen? Fucking nothing.

It's Judge Judy with less personality. I watched two episodes of this. The second one I don't think is really worth talking about because I kind of disassociated and it was kind of boring. But I think the first one sort of like says a lot about the series. So the first one involves two kind of unremarkable, like one guy called David who I've described as a guy who you'd expect to be running a cryptocurrency side hustle

at the back of his father's garment shop. There's an Armenian guy, which is absolutely what you need for some LA drama. And the second is a guy who I could only describe as someone who like wants to pay homage to Mike Francesca. And he's like the side of the end of Uncut Gems. He's absolutely and now that's real music guy. And they're having like some kind of dispute over a speaker

that was broken or something. I'm not sure how like- I remember this. I just watched this you say and I can fill in this detail. I don't think it's really explained properly like how the speaker breaks. Well, that's the- It's so boring.

It's the object of contention, right? Is that one guy, the Mike Francesca guy, was a loud singer at a restaurant who was singing like- I don't know, like how Uncle Junior sings in the Sopranos and he gets too drunk, just Italian like pasta music. I think Frank's an attraction.

And then the other guy walks up to him and was like, yo, can you sing some rap music? And then- Do you know anything about vanilla ice? And then the contention is that it fell because the guy was so shocked at the idea of having to rap in this Italian restaurant that he stumbled back and threw his own speaker under the crowd.

What he says, what he says that he said to the guy is this is not a room that's conducive to rap, which is- Oh shit, yeah, I forgot about that, yeah. Don't worry. I can throw it down. After that, he was so shocked. This adds like a completely new dimension

to this guy just like got mad, just got so mad that he broke his own speaker. Quibi rules now, I'm sorry. No, this sucks so bad, man. I worry that the problem is by describing this episode of Chrissy Teigen's Parasocial Relationships, we're making it sound funny or cool

and it's not either of those things. It's eight minutes long and you feel every second of those fuckers. I turned it off at minute seven. Once it became clear how it was going around, I was like, I'm gone. Okay, well, after minute seven, the plaintiff, the guy whose speaker gets broken,

calls Chrissy Teigen, Christy Meaghan. Why? We got to make a do-do. No second takes on Quibi. No. I think this kind of says a lot about like, number one, it definitely did feel like it was such a long time.

Like I didn't realize it was only like seven or eight minutes because it felt like it was 25. And I think I was like partly trying to like just maintain what was going on, but also I was really amazed by like the background of this show. So the premise of the show is that like, these are kind of real small claims cases. I don't believe that for a second.

I believe that everyone involved in that is an actor of some sort. Every, like if you look at the background of this court, like really look in the background, you see these kind of people who are dressed up in really kind of like expensive newly bought suits and who like all kind of radiate the same sort of shine, which makes me feel like either these are kind of like

lifelike dolls or these people have like actually like genuinely disassociated. There's like one guy in the background who's wearing this like blue suit and he has this like, it's really wide smile for the whole thing. It's such a quite lewd vibe. Right, as you know, and the main...

They've gotten drugs that haven't been produced since 1979. The reason why I say the episode one is kind of the premise of the entire series, like the entire like Chrissie's Court series is because of one thing that happens about minute free, which is that of course, John Legend shows up, right? I think it's actually earlier than minute free. And we don't know why he shows up.

He just, she's like... He shows up as the singing coach, the musical expert. That's what he shows up as to do. You got it right with your bit. But really, again, what it showed, like his whole thing is basically to show that, like, you know, look how cool my wife is, look how much of a boss my wife is,

and I'm just going to give her little kisses on the forehead while she makes fun of me, and I'm going to show the whole audience that I'm really great at singing. But the whole thing is really awkward because you can tell that this is such an artificial situation where you can... Yeah, it's very clear that the kind of court audience

has no idea what's going on. The plaintiffs have no idea what's going on. Clearly, if the guy doesn't even know Chrissie's name, he has no fucking idea what's going on. Yeah, it rules, it rules. Chrissie Teigen's whole vibe. Yeah, but Chrissie Teigen's whole vibe, her whole shtick, does not stand up to the pivot to video at all.

And I'll make my final point on this, which is very clearly what they've done, what the producers of this Quibi show have done, have seen that Chrissie Teigen has this huge audience on Twitter, and they have no idea why she has this huge audience. They have no idea who her audience is. They have no idea how humor and dialogue, and even the whole Twitter court thing,

how that actually operates on a platform. So they've basically said, but oh look, she has all these followers and all these retweets. So in theory, if we make this a television show, this should be wildly popular as well. So they've really overestimated her appeal on any platform that isn't Twitter. And overestimated the relevance of Twitter.

And also overestimated the desire of the viewing public to be like, you know what they should bring back is the people's court. Good theme tune. I'll say that much. And this did not have that. Look, the people's court show could work in England so long as the cases were all like citizens arrests

for like walking into the wrong pub or something like that. That's just Judge Render. That's a real thing. You've killed the queen of courts. Now that's something I'd want. Look, keeping an eye on the time, I think it is time to move on. Although I do note that it is very interesting

we are beginning to develop a grand unified theory of Quibi as all taking place in the same cinematic universe where sex dolls come to life. Because all the audience in Chrissy's court seem to be dolls and the man in the identical episode. He's a haunted sex doll as well. It's a grand unified theory. Judge Chrissy, that my husband took my golden arm.

Let's throw to let's see. Let's sort of Milo next. Tell us about Murder House Flip. This is a simulation video game I would play. Like this show is another one that's like it's kind of boring but there's sort of some gold in it if you dig slightly below the surface. Like obviously I was attracted to it

because the concept itself is absolutely insane. It's a home renovation show where the unifying selling point of it is that every house they renovate had some horrific murders committed in it. Yeah, I really like this idea. Yeah, so it's hosted by Anodyne Annoying White Woman and Anodyne Annoying Gay Black Guide. Those are the two archetypes that we're dealing with. I didn't learn either of their names.

This will be a recurring theme when we get to mine too. Oh yeah, and the first house that they renovate is this like old couple that I didn't learn their names either. And they're like, oh yeah, sure, we lived in this house for a while but you know, 30 years ago there was an old lady who lived here and she like poisoned seven people and buried them right out there in the yard. Would you believe that?

Wait, it's not even a recent murder. It's like an old murder thing. No, it sucks. They're not cleaning up blood. They probably popped the house decades ago. It's just a legend. That sucks. It sucks so bad and they show all the pictures of cops with fucking mullets and sideburns digging up these bodies.

Their house needs renovating not because it's had someone murdered it but because the house is like a fucking mess. This is a fucking cheat. This is just a normal house renovation with an added backstory. If you're not scrubbing the like political piggy graffiti and blood off of the like walls of the Tate LeBianca murders, I don't give a shit.

Except, and here's where it is really good, that they have to keep making the murder relevant to the renovation and the tenuous way that they try and do that is awesome. So like there's this bit where the husband who genuinely looks like he's got a murder in him, like the wife seems fairly harmless but the husband looks like he kind of like wants to live in the murder house, you know what I mean?

He keeps going like, yeah, that's right. And so he's like showing them around the garden and like showing them where all the bodies were buried and like the presenters are like freaking out. They're going like, oh, this is crazy. People were murdered here. And it's like, yeah, that's the premise of the show. Well done.

It's your show. Yeah. And then there's like a bit where he goes around to the front garden and he's like, yeah. And here's where they found a body that had been dismembered and the woman goes, dismembered? And then he goes like, yeah, it didn't have any hands or feet. And it's going like, so you're saying we could find like

hands or feet like buried in this yard while we're doing the renovation? And then he's like, that is possible. This is the best part. It cuts to like a studio shot, like, you know, the voiceover bits of her. And she's going like, murdering people is like fucked up. I mean, crazy true.

I didn't even think I'd do to a person. That is true. Two billion dollars, baby. It is a crazy thing to do to cut the hands and feet off of a person. I love the idea that they got hosts for this show and then didn't tell them the premise. They're just practically flabbergasted. Like, why are we in a murder house?

Can you believe my luck? I thought I'd be in a regular house and it's a murder house. Oh my God. Just like keep filming episodes. We're like, wait, there was a murder in this house too. That's crazy. Okay. It's like, I love like,

like one of the things that I find so fascinating about this is it's like and you can refer to the union busting stuff we talk about in the previous episode, which is that like this is clearly a creative process where they've decided to just cut out the middle man and make the show entirely on executive producers notes. Yes, Bob Evans ass app right like it is doing a huge line of cocaine and then like bellowing into a rosary phone. You know who I see in the lead role for this?

Gary Cooper. He's been dead for 20 years. You're just saying it anyway. And you just run with it. Yeah. Do CGI. I don't give a fuck. So it's such an anyway.

I watched this entire episode and I did not laugh at all. And then you guys like describing it back. I'm laughing. It's like such an indictment of how It's only funny when you actually think about it. That's what's great about it. Because like then they start, they start renovating this like horrendously messy garden.

They don't do anything in the house at all. They only do the garden and they keep trying to tie back to the premise. So they're like, uh, yeah, we've got to take out that old fence because like dead bodies might have touched it. Literally. They say we're the dead bodies dead at the time. Was it a body that would be dead in the future? What happens with a dead body to the fence?

Does it haunt you? Is this the golden arm thing again? Yeah. We're renovating this guy's barn because he was killed by his zombie wife. Take your golden arm. We're turning it into a B and B. And they keep flashing up pictures of the murderer woman's face and being like, her vibe kind of haunts this property.

It's like a ghost show, but not really. It can't commit to that bit enough to like, have them go around with like the microphones and shit and night vision goggles. Oh yeah. That would have been great. Which would have ruled. Which paint? Like using an Ouija board to choose the paint sample.

This feels like a really good time to ask this question, right? Because I can't, like, Quibi has for me annihilated this distinction between like, between watching something that and it being remarkable for its weird badness and watching something that is trying to be weird and bad. So yeah, this, this, this collapsed the irony matrix. And I have some thoughts about this when we do, when we do mine. Because it's, it's very much like,

I mean, no. Alex, why don't you go ahead? Yeah. Okay. Can I just wrap mine up? Cause there are a couple more. Yeah, please. Yeah.

So they, they, then they renovate the house. They do some like weird tacky shit. Like they mo, the woman is a mosaic artist apparently, as in like the woman who owns the house, whatever the fuck that means. And so they like, they mo, yeah, yeah. The new owner, not the, not the murder woman. She's been into those things, which is like kind of cool. Have fun with it.

Um, and so then they, they mosaic the names of their two grandchildren into like the front of their house for some reason. And they put in like a swing set. And then around the back, they make her like a little desk to do her mosaics on, which they put under some stairs. So she's like, I'm like fucking Harry Potter, like under the stairs doing her mosaics. And she's like, wow, it's so great.

It's like, bitch, it is fucking a desk under a staircase. Yeah. But you've excised the ghosts of the murders now. Yes. But then I watched the first episode of the last one. This is a real quick hit, which I just like, it was so good because the opening scene, it was like a house in LA, and it was like a woman had been murdered in there.

And they're interviewing the husband and wife. The husband doesn't really say anything. And then the wife goes, like, this woman did not deserve to be murdered. And then I just like, bitch, you don't know that. Thank you, quippy, for taking a strong anti-murder stance. I know that you just watched the Golden Arm, and she deserved to be murdered.

But this lady did not. She had like normal arms, which is apparently what makes you not a murderer. That's right. Yeah, oh, god damn. I fucking, murder house flip is, like, it became a common refrain to say that, like, these are shows that people would have made up

on 30 Rock as jokes, like Jack Donoghue would be like, we just got a new episode out of murder house flip. And then they would show a clip of it as a joke. And but the reason that that works, the reason that works is because all of those bits on 30 Rock were satires of like heavy-handed network executives being too concerned with trying to like appeal to a demographic. And so just sucking all the, all of the real creativity

out of any kind of filmmaking. And then this just actually happened. Yeah, but like also they don't have like, this is what happens when they're just like, they're like vampires sucking on like an empty vein, right? Like there's no talent for them to like leech off of. And so they managed to take a premise like murder house flip, which is insanely funny and make it boring to watch.

It could have been really cool if they were like doing some shit where they're like trying to appease the murder house in renovating it. Like fucking like sacrificing a go over like the new fire pit. Yeah, I would absolutely watch Exorcist house flip. Are you listening? Quibi, we're giving you this for free. Five better ideas than they use on the show.

We are not giving you this for free. You must pay us. You must pay us. So signed and delivered. Yeah, you already have Sam Raimi. So take the drag me to hell idea and just put it in this show. Drag me to house. The new show on Quibi.

Okay, Alice, I believe it is your turn to tell us. I got a doozy. I have brought I have brought a show and tell and I have inflicted on all of you. Game show. Game show, you see, is reminding us that Quibi, as an organization, is aware of the existence of homosexuals. So it's game show with a G.A.Y. Ah, so it's more like it's more virtue signaling.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. New streaming services. Yeah, and literally it's because it's eight minutes long. They have they somehow crowbar in the time to fit a three segment game show about like the most facile, like the whitest, the most bourgeois, the most stuck in the corner at a party, Beverly Hills as facets of queer culture.

And then, you know, they'll do. They start basically the premises. You have two straight men and they compete to decide which one of them is queen. Well, honorary gay and queen of the straights. And they could have more honestly titled this show fag pass, right? Yeah. But the thing about the show is that it's not even like there's no understanding that these are real straight people or like real people like motion capture is a is like a famous person.

And then they have these like Demi from midnight. They all of their guests are ringers, which is the really funny thing. I was like, I was watching this and I was and I was like, no, that's Demi. I know you're too funny to be on this show. And that's why like this was genuinely I watched all eight episodes of this. Because I will stand by this. I got too much gay disease now. That's true.

That's true. We're going to die of AIDS. I literally I will I will make the case right that this was the best quib that I watched. And it may just be Stockholm syndrome from spending 80 minutes watching this shit. But it genuinely right like because they got guests who would be funny like they got Nicole Byron, they got Rachel Blum on like occasionally there would be jokes that were good. It was just drowned under this morass of like like the two interchangeable twink hosts telling the same joke every episode.

Every episode as though it's the first time each time. Every time. Every time it gets a tepid laugh in episode one and nothing thereafter. It just dies on its ass. Oh, because you know they filmed it all in one day. Seven times. Yeah. And like the budget is so clearly nothing, which is like ordinarily like this is why I'm

so conflicted about this, right? It's like gay shows, queer shows are very often zero budget by necessity. And you can get a lot of well, if not good, then entertaining television out of this. Like the season one of RuPaul's Drag Race where they had like one camera and it was covered in Vaseline all the time is genuinely entertaining to watch, right? You can pull together this kind of this kitsch thing so long as it's done in total sincerity, like as long as you have like absolutely no consciousness that you're doing camp, you can create this kind of John Waters thing.

And you can make The Strange and Wonderful Life of Caleb Gallo or you can make RuPaul's Drag Race or you can make Big Gay Sketch or whatever. This falls completely on its ass because it's so it has that air of knowing and that kind of cynicism just tips it all of the possible like enjoyment out of it. I think a big part of it too is like it's clearly done so quickly. Like every time you watch Mocha Cashier in the first, it's like I can imagine him driving to the studio, spending literally 15 minutes on stage. Like they just filmed this all in one take.

And then he was like, oh, I guess, okay, I'll see you later. I had fun. Okay, bye. And then like, he feels he looks so confused. It's not it's not it's not the low production values. The low production values can be charming. It's like deliberate carelessness about them. It feels like a great big middle finger like, hey, you fucking love this shit.

Fuck you. Yeah, I love to consume the gay content slot. Hey, they're gonna they're gonna talk about Pop Divas and Thirst over Matthew McConaughey. And they insult Britney Spears, which is like wrong on so many levels. But also like, yeah, they do. They really do. But like, I feel like it's also it's not nasty enough. I'm not saying that you have to go full piss pig to make like LGBT content, right?

But like, I am saying that Dorian Corey did not have a literal corpse in her closet when she was interviewing for Paris is Burning for this to be our culture, right? Well, it's also like the first the first episode. The only person they even diss is Caitlyn Jenner. And it feels like virtue signaling to like, we don't like Trumpers. It's like fucking, you know what it is? It's extremely gay. It's Gen X gay.

Like they'll make jokes about people being triggered or like those like one of the bylines was identifies as and it's like, that's not even that's not offensive. It's just like old. It's just like an older dude in Beverly Hills or WeHo. And it's just like one of the strange things about entertainment when you know that it's passed into like some kind of hyper normalized realm is when it you can. It feels like it was written by characters on other shows. Yeah, like this was written.

You guys from modern family. Yeah, I was going to say it's Mitch and Ken from Modern Family. It's exactly what this is. This is by this is gay culture written by the modern family gays, which are like gay culture that was reappropriated and made safe for like, you know, 2010s dad. It is the most dangerous. The most dangerous thing on there is a joke about pride about buying a $25 bottle of water at the Wells Fargo hydration station.

That was the thing that made me laugh. And then everything after that was just like, hey, remember share? Share exists. There were two bits in the first episode that just made me fully bang my head on the desk. The first of which was the bit where that like Mosha Kasher and the celebrity woman who's like his coach. I didn't catch her name. I don't care because people are Alana Glazer.

Yeah, it was Alana Glazer from Broadcasting. And he goes, well, thanks to Alada, we managed to narrow the category down for who what kind of person this must be straight ahead. And she goes, white man. And then everyone laughs. And it's like, you're all white. Like you do realize this, right? You're all white men too.

Except that they have a house band. They have a woman singing the like intro and also the name of every round. And boy, does that get old quick. Oh, spirit animal as a black woman. So here's one to sing some things that I've written down. It's real bad. It's also edited like a fever dream because it just cuts to her with no explanation. She's standing alone, singing things that they may be said sometime.

Yeah, it's like a fucking Eric Andre bit, just like hard cutting. It's strange that it is the world is imagined by fictional characters. It is it is editing as imagined by like Tim and Eric. It is all conceived by Jack Donagy. And then the gay game show was written by the modern family gay dads. To which the only thing I can say is that like this has come back around in the opposite direction now. And this is now kitsch, right?

So I kind of love it. I came out of it thinking two things, both I am now homophobic and I'm weirdly insanely proud of my community that guessing these like ringers in as guests, they were able to make jokes and kind of uplift this God awful show enough that I occasionally smiled at it when I did nothing, but nothing else did that for me except the golden arm. And that was by accident. Yeah. Personally, again, I just I love now that I guess what are you going to do?

Start the LBT alliance? Yeah, I'm homophobic against cis gay guys only. I'm just trying to jettison them from the community where they were doing the bit where they had to find stuff in the fucking sand and then one of them pulled out a brick and they were like, oh, the first break from Stonewall and everyone laughed. And I was like, what the fuck am I watching? What is going on? Well, it's like it's like a site gag, but it's just not it's just there.

It's it's it's it's like putting a banana peel on the floor and being like, hey, look, it's a banana peel. It's pretty funny. Usually when those are on the floor, huh? My favorite part is that the studio audience for this was giving them nothing. Yeah, just got nothing out of them for what must have been a solid hour of filming. You're not making that many demands on a crowd of people who are being tangentially paid to be there. And they still just stone face dead silence.

Honestly, I think the way to understand this is it's a non it is a Tim and Eric with no sense of irony and no satirical target. Yeah, that's why it's good. We love it. We love game show. Yeah, we love game show. We love saying things that we think are good or bad and vice versa and also not meaning that and meaning that it's it's cool. Do not ask me to explain this read Susan Sontag's notes on camp.

There's a real unity of subjected object to going on here. I wasn't fully intending. I guess we're all pesadists now. Yeah, yeah, I'm waiting for the aliens to come and rescue me from game show. I made Quibi and that's why it's so shitty. Yeah, it does sound like an alien name. Yeah, they don't know how I just read Andy Gitlett's book, so I've got it on my mind. All right, so hey, we let's let's keep let's keep this Quibi train rolling to two

and I think it might be time to talk now about sir. I live in exactly like one of the hosts of game show. It's a train rolling folks now time to talk about survive which features a like a bit one line delivered by friend and frequent guest of the show Josie Long. Who knew you were talking about the girl. She talks to you at the airport. Yeah, he's engaged. Yeah, the girl has a great death.

Hasn't taken politics in a quibbus. All right, so I scammed a lot of money out of Quibi. Take us away. Okay, so survive is a show starring Sophie Turner also known as Sansa from Game of Thrones doing an American accent. Pretty well. I thought not perfectly believable, but it like sounds enough like she's American. That it wasn't weird.

And she's playing a girl who is super depressed, suicidal. She's in a place called Life House. I think it's the name of it. Hilariously depressed. Which is like a little psych board depression curing center where she's with like 20 other people. And she's about to get released. And she has this whole plan to steal a bunch of pills from the pharmacy because they have a pharmacy that's just behind glass doors in the middle of the place with like no guards.

Or cameras or anything is like Red Life House long enough, you know all the secrets like the code to the pharmacy. I don't think that's how it should work. It's probably shouldn't work that way. It should change the code. You have a just a lock. One thing I want to know about about survive is that the first three minutes of this, the music and the cinematography and the acting and what they're saying because they're saying

stuff like you learn to overcome and face your differences that we're all crazy in the same way. But it feels to me like that set like British banks have exactly that as their commercial. It is shot and scripted for it until like it takes a dark turn in the second half of the 10 minute episode. The first one is just poisoning shot and scripted like a Lloyd's bank ad. Now that's very accurate. It's like if girl interrupted was reimagined as a bank commercial that you could watch on your phone that would play as a pre-roll before you watch a YouTube video.

That's what the vibe is like. And the whole first episode is all voiceover. Right. It's just Sophie Turner doing a voiceover telling you about It's like a trailer for a movie. Literally filming us in. The voiceover is all like, you know, the thing about life is it sucks. But like, what are you going to do?

It's life. You're stuck in it until you die. What are you going to do? You're going to have to open a current account, which is free with any credit product. What's going to happen when you get that bit? Oh, you guys have NHS. I guess you'll need money for other things. For food or something.

Things of that nature. No, no. The only thing you spend money on is medical care, I'm afraid. Everyone is quickly subscription. All right, we're from America. Everyone in Britain is just riding around in gigantic Rolls Royces and trains. They own just getting excess surgeries we don't need. Yo, what's up?

I've heard of it. It's supposed to be. That's what Tucker Carlson sounds like. Also, yeah, golden arm for free if you want. It comes with a cost. Surgery replaced my dick and balls with a golden arm. Got a golden dick and balls. A baby's arm.

No, a golden arm. Just an arm. Yeah, I want the arm. I want a golden baby's arm. This bitch goes to give me a hand job and she gets a handshake. That's right. Sorry, I just love that. Get my dick and balls replaced with a golden arm so that any time someone tries to jerk me off,

they get a golden hand fake like Ken Lay from Enron. And it's like, what the fuck did Dennis Miller write this concept? Think about how much fun it would be to be able to go to a cart and be like, hey, hey, check it out. And like, unzip your fly and just give them the finger out of your flies. They'd be very owned. Anyway, so the opening scene of Survive is her like having a dream about a plane crash. And then she wakes up and her roommate is like, was he there?

Was it the same dream? And she's like, yeah, I couldn't see his face, but it's always a plane crash. And she's about to get out of life house and go home to her mom. And she's planning to steal a bunch of pills and kill herself in the plane bathroom. And then die because suicide's awesome. And there's a whole thing about it. This is inconsiderate. Like you're just wedged into one of those tiny airplane bathrooms.

No one can take a shit of where to kill yourself. And so like she's at the airport. She meets a guy in line who ends up sitting next door. And they're like, he keeps trying to talk to her and be friendly. And she's like, oh, you're friendly, but I'm too depressed. Please leave me alone. She also does magic tricks. He's wearing a furry top hat.

She's like, sorry, I have no joy for anything. Not even magic tricks. I love being nagged too much. For a second, can we just go back to something that happened before this? Like just before she leaves the center, there's a scene where they're having like group therapy. And for some reason they're trying to inject this like a high school movie dynamic into it. And so there's this guy who's like talking about his feelings. And some other guy's like, oh, what are you depressed?

You fucking nerd. And it's like, you're another guy in the fucking crazy mental health. That is, that is the thing that I would do in the depression center is just bully people for having depression because they have a really good football team. You reminded me of the thing that made me laugh the hardest of anything on Quibi that I watched, which is the opening of the second episode. There's the guy who cuts himself and he's doing a monologue in this group therapy session where he's like, you know, I was reading about how medieval doctors back in the day,

they would bleed you because they actually thought if they bled out some of the blood, then the bad stuff would leave you. I guess that's what I was trying to do. Yeah, it do be like that. Oh, I just write one of those huge plague masks with like a big nose on it. His mental illness is that he believes this to 1400s. He just kills himself by treponing himself. I'm getting the bad humor now, mate.

Man, we don't need, we don't need writer's unions to give us like some good storytelling and subtext that's thought out and carefully planned and, you know, actually with effort put into it. No, we just need some like a network executive to just do a line of brain force plus or cocaine or whatever they're all doing and just say, oh, Sansa, but she's really depressed suicide into like kind of a sport. What if killing yourself is fucking red? What I like about this show as well is that they do the like national suicide prevention hotline between each 10 minutes.

By the way, if you in the last nine minutes wanted to kill yourself, you should call this number. Okay, back to the show. The number getting a lot of like 1-800 cards for kids. Is a 1-800 cop shot. My personal view is they should run the suicide prevention hotline number between every show on Quibi, except this one and the golden one. It would have been much better served after Chrissie's court than this show. Thanks to Chrissie Meaghan. She paid for my speaker.

I'm not going to explain me Quibi to that guy. I'm a police abolitionist in the sense that I think we should replace all criminal justice with Chrissie Teaghan's court. I want to have like crimebusters where I can like turn somebody into Chrissie Teaghan anonymously. I mean, I think that like the better way of doing Chrissie Teaghan's court would be like instead of getting, instead of like all these kind of dumb kind of micro cases where you'd actually, you know, you'd basically like take a family court scenario and you'd make Chrissie

Teaghan the judge. Oh, Chrissie Teaghan's family court is a power for you. That's also the episode title. Chrissie Teaghan's family court? Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, yeah. So sorry. With Survive, what else do we have about Survive? How do we survive? I just thought it was really crazy in the first episode where it's like they think I've been watching, I've been rewatching Seinfeld recently and the original like Seinfeld stand-up.

He has a bit. He's like, why are these people like committing suicide attempts? Don't these people live any place with tall buildings? Can't they wrap their lips around a gun like a normal person? I'm just going to think about this. Like, why is this like a, why is this show about like an Ocean's Eleven plot to take your own life? Just fucking kill yours. It's fucking weird to remember when Jerry Seinfeld was funny. It's been a long time. I know. It's a great show.

Only just to be explained, but yeah, just the weird non-illegal drugs that only rich people get, just taking all of them and being like, yeah, it's just caper, but the prize is death. Yeah, I don't know why you want to wait until you're off the plane. Like she's in a bathroom at the airport. She's, I assume has to, I don't know. I feel like there'll be an easier way to do it. But anyway, no, it only works at altitude. Maybe the only way to die is, and maybe if you don't, if you die on the earth,

then someone will come dig you up and take your arm. So you need to die at altitude where you'll be safe. She's going home on a bus, but she's rigged up a device that if the bus goes below 50 miles an hour, it's going to explode. Maybe she's in like a reverse final destination where she was supposed to live, but she can't die now. Well, so what happens after she goes in the bathroom and she like lays out all her pills to kill herself is the plane hits turbulence and then starts crashing.

And it's very, very funny when all the pills like fly off of the sink. It looks like they shot it for like $5 just like, all right, so jump around this airplane bathroom and we'll spin the camera kind of and we'll shake it. And it's going to look like you're in a plane crash. That's true of the golden arm too. Like literally, there's a bit where the guy, I think they just tell the guy to like do emotions and we'll just fucking shake the camera around in front of you. Like a Star Trek kind of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want to see a stabilized shot of that. I don't know if there's anything to recover. It's just like shots of broken glass and like her feet turning upside down as the plane spins around. That's when you know it's bad when the feet turn upside down. I also, again, it's incredible. Just incredible pure network executive notes just stitched together as a first draft energy. What if you wanted to kill yourself but had a near-death experience while you were trying to kill

yourself? Yeah, it was called Six Feet Under. It was an episode of Six Feet Under fucking 15 years ago. A great show. Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about Six Feet Under recently. Oh, it's a great show, yeah. Very good. Thinking about it.

But I just want to want to be clear. I don't know if we've hammered home. The acting in this show is so bad. It's one of the worst pieces of acting I've ever seen. It's hard. Just from Sansa Stark or like in general. In general? Also, Riley, Riley, do you want to go in with me on a fucking subscription?

I was not going to say quit me subscription. I was saying do you want to start a side, side, side podcast about the show Six Feet Under? Yes, I will do it. Yes, I absolutely do. It's my favorite show. Oh, why don't the three of us do it? Oh, yeah. Well, side project initiated.

Yeah, so I didn't finish the rest of Survive but what I can tell it seems like the premise is she wanted to kill herself and then she's in a plane crash and only her and this other guy survive and then actually she wants to live and doesn't want to kill herself anymore. What? Damn. Make you think. So what they're saying is we should pull the suicide people in a crashing plane. We just have to like almost kill all of the suicidal people so that they want to live.

Okay, well, okay. You remember like everyone to take it on your airlines. Don't ask why. So the thing is, right? Like that's just like the main conceit of Saw but then saw that and turned it into something that was well very unpleasant, like quite singular and very like two movies and then they got right. I saw one.

Saw one was a very distinctive and weird movie of its time. Not my favorite, but like I understand why people like it, why people think it's interesting. And what this does is it just takes the conceit of Saw. It just strips everything into everything weird and interesting and inventive away from it. And then it's just like, oh, it's a plane crash three. Exactly. This is just another Saw movie continuing that trajectory on Quibi. Need more clowns, final verdict.

More clowns. Quibi has made us dissociate. It's made us homophobic. Made us start a side project about the show six feet up. Can we cover the doll show? I have one more. I have my show. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I was going to say, oh, yeah, yeah. It made me re-cancel Dan Harmon in my head. It made me miss Jerry Seinfeld doing jokes. Yeah. Being a good comedian. So the show dummy. The show dummy is basically, again, just I was I was reading about this.

It was pitched to be a full series that was about Dan Harmon and his girlfriend Cody something. And it's trying to take an instance where Dan Harmon Garmin's girlfriend, who by the way, Dan Harmon is played by Donald Logue for some reason, but yeah, he's played by Donald Logue, but he is like his name is Dan Harmon. So he's not Dan Harmon, but he's named Dan Harmon and he's dating Cody. And also this version of Dan Harmon wrote Rick and Morty and gets like forgiven for getting me tuned by someone in this in the show. No, no, no, no, that's not Dan Harmon.

Yeah, that really happened. Yeah, I know that. But like Dan Harmon wrote this show and then wrote himself getting forgiven. His girlfriend wrote this show. He didn't have anything to do with it. Oh, that's even more fucked up. Incredibly fucked up. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

I'll reorient. So it's by Dan Harmon's girlfriend and it's just elaborating on her finding his sex doll. And then the sex doll is a lot sort. It talks to her and it does like Eliza Schlesinger. I'm gonna or Amy, Amy Schumer. I'm gonna say pussy comedy, which is basically most of what the comedy is. Is it sex dolls like death coming my party? Basically my entire comedy too.

So it's fine and it's that for like 10 minutes per show. Your husband's done big comes in my pussy. Big, huge comes. Yeah, it's it's real bad. But yeah, so Donald Loge is playing Dan Harmon, who's a fictionalized version of Dan Harmon, who's called Dan Harmon and has done all the same things as Dan Harmon. Yeah. Wait, so is this camp because like now we're just getting into like similar and simulac from here.

That's right. I mean, this feels like very confessional to a point where when I, because I didn't I don't know who this Cody person is. But like watching the show, I was like, wait, is this supposed to be Dan Harmon? And then I had to look it up. And it is. And it just felt so uncomfortable because yeah, because there's one it's one thing to do like a metaphorical show about like, okay, this person is learning to be comfortable with like,

I think to be fair, like I think this is probably the closest to an actual show we watched. Yeah, it's like the first draft of one. I mean, like if this was on Netflix, I would have been like, okay, I guess I'll give it a chance. Like it's it's an interesting concept, I guess, where it's just this person basically talking to herself and, you know, kind of airing out her own therapy about her weird me to boyfriend and me to the agent, just being a woman in Hollywood or whatever. And that's like, kind of a bullshit throwaway concede anyway, but at least it's acted. Like there's acting in the show.

But the fact that it's literally a true story about a woman who was dating Dan Harmon, and then she just wrote it exactly. I was like, this is hard to watch. I'm starting to feel like Quibi is the long term project of like an undercover cell of deep cover situationist. Yeah. It's just, yeah, we're going to make this app that just entirely collapses the spectacle and tries everyone who watches it mad.

The whole story line is just bizarre. You'll never want to watch a show again. It's true. I don't like TV anymore. I'm so homophobic. Sorry, Milo, what were you saying? The whole thing is just bizarre because like the doll is trying to make her, his real girlfriend jealous of the doll.

And the doll is like, oh yeah, you're like jealous of my perfect body. And it's like, you are a doll. Yeah. You are plastic. Like, why are you talking about the thing? This is why I think it's correct to say that this is the first draft of a TV show, because it's like, yeah, it's basically a real life story, but with one incredibly heavy handed metaphor that is there to serve as the replacement for like, you know, creativity.

It's just like, well, here's the way it's different here. It's magical realism about cleaning out some come from a doll and taking everyday situations like cleaning come out of a doll. And then we transport it into a magical realm. Yeah. So it's magic. It's basically, yeah, it's Quibi doing magical realism. It's written by Salman Rushdie and the doll is inhabited by the spirit of the Prophet Muhammad.

Fucking Quibi Carlos Quibi. Yeah. So like and what's what I actually then read about it is that the the the writer intended for it to be a series sheet pitch to a network and then Quibi just bought it and shot it in 18 days. Yeah. That's that is some of the room shit. Yeah, it's it's like the what I find really interesting about the room. One of the things that I think is one of the reasons I think people talk about the room is that yeah, it's a great movie and also it would feel entirely at home on Quibi.

You consume the room like mentally in like eight minutes segments because your brain does not have space for any more with other than that. The reason that the room is compelling, right? The reason that people keep watching the room other than that it's good is that it has enough money in it that all of the technical people were like competent enough to make something. That was more or less didn't look like a student film, right? Like they hired a professional crew and you know Tommy, we sell pages and wages and your brain into thinking that you are watching a film as opposed to like the ramblings of a madman and Quibi.

So Quibi is taken the same relationship between creativity and technical execution that made the room so weirdly compelling and turned it into a multi-billion dollar business. Yes, it's tricking you into it's tricking your brain into thinking that you are watching TV when in fact you aren't. You're watching this weird union busting exercise that incidentally has a script attached to it and was filmed in like four hours because they had to move the truck. Like like game show just looks like it was filmed on a series of coffee breaks. Dummy is the only one that actually does look like a TV show because like

this there are tiers of funding for each of their different kinds of shows. So Dummy was one of their like high budget prestige shows. This is supposed to be prestige TV, but there's a golden on the big selling point. Yeah, they have one set which is like their bedroom. Yeah, it's just the bedroom and then like the set that they're doing I guess Rick and Morty or Community On or whatever. Oh yeah, they have a sex toy like repair shop which is totally a thing. But this is like a long line of like narcissistic like ego death naval gazing.

You know like lots of shows have been like this or not really shows more like novels. There's usually like a certain kind of author who's usually a guy who's just like I'm going to talk about all of the shit that's in my head that bothers me and I'm going to play it out bare. But it's so it's so short changed. I mean all of those are lame, but this is like a woman doing it and then putting it on quibby. And you had to keep putting quarters in because it was going to pass off the phone. Real dolls complaint.

Fun lines from this Dan Harman like the very hot girl flirting with Dan Harman, not flirting with quote-unquote Dan Harman in the studio played by Dan Harman says, Oh my God, Rick and Morty is literally my religion and I must say that apology you gave about crossing a romantic boundaries in the workplace was so moving. Yeah, oh my God. Oh yeah, and that girl has a podcast. Who's she supposed to be? The real girl has a podcast around the show.

The real girl has a podcast. Yeah. Or no, on the show she has a podcast. Yeah. It doesn't matter anymore. There's no difference. The map has become the territory. He probably has a podcast in real life too.

Yeah, yeah. Podcasts even real. The sex doll in dummy is the only real person in quibby. Are we on quibby right now? Yeah. It depends what you mean by real. It depends what you mean by real. It depends what you mean by real.

Part of an extended universe of a show on quibby. Well, there is actually an extended universe of quibby trying to take over the news. So they also have Vox in NBC and Polygon, all doing epic four minute news programs. Right, as I was trying to watch these bullshit shows, I kept being confronted with NBC, The Protests in America. It's like, oh right, there's a fucking insurrection going on. Thanks, quibby.

Cool, quibby. Thank you. The revolution will be. Oh my God. Anyway, that's like, the story of dummy at that point then is just a pretty standard sitcom plot of there is a, you know, there was a show where Jeff Goldblum plays a detective who has an overactive imagination and keeps talking to ghosts. It's, I can't remember what it was called.

It was called Bones. No, it was called Jurassic Park. I mean, listen, the high watermark of this for me was, I hooked up with a girl and I ended up watching TV because she fell asleep and I was just like, well, just watch TV. Why not? And what was on was I zombie where a medical examiner becomes zombified and solves crimes. And I just ended up watching like two episodes of this. And I was just like, yeah, no, this is, this is not real anymore.

Nothing is real. Everything is melting in front of me. And this is how quibby has made me feel also. And the medical examiner had a golden arm for some reason. I always assume that I zombie was sort of like a spin-off of iCarly. It's a sequel. I zombie is much better than anything that we saw on quibi. I'll make that clear.

So I want to, by way of wrapping up dummy, I want to say, yeah, the story is pretty standard. It was Reigns, by the way, is the show with Jeff Goldblum as the overactive imagination detective. Reigns, anyway. So dummy is a very, it's a standard plot. That's like a little bit of magical realism about like a woman coming to terms with, you know, her boyfriend or boyfriend's sexuality and so on. You can really tell that it was shot in 18 days. The thing that I couldn't get over was that just, they were like,

that the levels of abstraction where it's the guy playing the guy, but it isn't the guy, and it's Donald Loog. And that part I found to be very, very distracting. And it's still hurting the back of my head for a little while. One thing that also was very distracting to me was the fact that it's not clear what aspect ratio it's shot in, because if you turn it landscape, it cuts off their legs. If you turn it portrait mode, you see more of the picture because it's also shot in portrait mode. It's very confusing, yeah.

So it's like, how much of the picture is there? It seemed like portrait, like if you turn your phone up like a regular, like up and down, like half the scene is cut off. Like sometimes two people are talking and then you can only see one of them. Right, it is cutting off the sides, but also if you turn it landscape mode, it's cutting off the top. So there's no good way to watch this. There's no good way to, it was fucking frustrating. That's insane.

That's why you have it displayed on my gigantic quibby screen in my new quibby. That's true. It's the ratio of a postage stamp, but it's 10 feet wide. Whether or not it's a gigantic golden arm. You're just like in a smoking jacket with a cravat swirling some brandy, like, oh, do you guys join me for some rare quibbs? Ah, you like the side of house rules, do you? Well, what about the murder house flips?

Yes, the most delectable vintage. I have a rare show called Survivor, Little Saint James. Do you know what I realized that quibby shows remind me of? So you know when you're on an airplane, right? Like a kind of charter airline and like they have... Yeah, like in quibi. So far in comparisons, we have a show that you watch after hooking up with a girl and being on an airplane and having a fever dream.

Being on a commercial. Being on a mid-level airplane where like they have their sort of like internal shows that they have on like their little screen, but you sort of like watch when you can't be f***ed like engaging in a movie. You're on your way to the island. There are some blackmail tapes you can watch to pass the time. I get what you mean. You like you have the shitty little headset that they give you.

And you're watching like the video equivalent of Skymall. Skymall. Every film has Zac Efron in it. And it's more like the point of those shows is that like it's basically you're supposed to be there to kind of pass time. Whereas the thing that I kind of like found with quibi was it's the same kind of level of quality of the shows, but you literally can't do anything else on your phone except for that.

That's the thing I hated the most about this whole thing was I kept being like, where's my phone? I want to look at something else. You keep looking for the second smaller screen. I was literally playing switch just to be entertained. All right. All right. All right.

Oh, God. Is it what very quickly? Is there anything more perverse than the idea of watching quibi on your phone and then occasionally glancing up to check Twitter, which you are logged into on your big TV? Did you think about that, about society? Bet that made you think about society. Morally, morally repugnant to me to do that.

I'm watching quibi on my iPhone. I'm watching quibi on my iPhone and then pulling out my Nokia 3310 to play Snake. All right. All right. All right. I'm bringing these clowns from the circus back into the car. Land the plane, Riley. Yeah.

We're all getting into the plane from the survive, which is going to the next turn to the next town over. And hey, you know what? I want to thank Bry and Chris for being here today. I had a great time having you on. It was a blast. Thanks for melting my brain with quibi. Oh, yeah.

It was a pleasure. Love to quib. Everybody say sorry. We made you watch quibi beep beep lettuce. Sorry. We made you watch quibi beep beep lettuce. It's okay. We forgive you.

Stay out daily quib. You have gold poisoning in your arms. I'm being fucked up with too much gold. I'm not apologizing. And if you don't like it, we can see each other in Chrissy's court. I also want to thank all of our wonderful patrons for listening to this episode about quibi. You know what it is.

Bale fund links are always in the descriptions of episodes at this point. However, however the future turns out, because we're recording this on the 1st of June, fraternal greetings to the people Soviet of the United States, alternatively condolences to the people suffering under the continued fascist boot of President Trump. Yes, either one. Either one of those will pick one at the time,

or hey, maybe a greeting to all of our people in the 10,000 little Balkanized Americas that have emerged, or maybe greetings to everybody working on the new psychic pyramids for our alien overlords who are like healing our divided nation. Yeah. I invited for quibi. Greetings to all of all of our listeners who've now all had their stories optioned, but because you made your wish in a monkey's paw, it's been optioned by quibi. You have 10 minutes to shoot it at $4.

It's just a robot called the like you have 10 minutes to film. Okay. All right. All right. All right. I'm, I'm hanging up now, but we will, we will talk to you all back in the free episode on Tuesday. Thanks again to be beat lettuce. Thank you all for listening. Thank you for being patron patrons. Don't forget the bail fund links in the bio gold and shirt description. Yes. The theme song is here we go.

Bye. It's possibly the national anthem of the United States. Now we don't know who the fuck knows. Yeah. Later, everybody. Bye. Yeah.