TRASHFUTURE - *UNLOCKED* Trashfuture Live - The Nadine Dorries Book (RIP Riley’s Tummy)

Episode Date: December 26, 2023

In this unlocked bonus episode, Alice, Milo, Nate and Hussein are once again LIVE at Between The Bridges, sadly without Riley because Nadine Dorries' book destroyed his gastrointestinal system. However, undeterred, Alice read the book and her stomach was made of stronger stuff. Milo was also able to simulate Riley using Chat GPT so it's almost like he's there... Please support Medical Aid for Palestinians here: https://www.map.org.uk/donate/donation-details/488?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAgqGrBhDtARIsAM5s0_layZu8hHVgz9qdTaoXyl7CIHZI2PxgiPMHzHbOLeH2WdwccZoOAl0aAlhLEALw_wcB Get bonus episode like this on Patreon here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *STREAM ALERT* Check out our Twitch stream, which airs 9-11 pm UK time every Monday and Thursday, at the following link: https://www.twitch.tv/trashfuturepodcast *MILO ALERT* Check out Milo’s upcoming live shows here: https://www.miloedwards.co.uk/live-shows *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind our website). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/ Trashfuture are: Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice (@AliceAvizandum)

Hello, hi, how are we doing? We're well! We've got, we're trying to figure out how the lights work and the answer is very complicated. So it's going to be this kind of like bisexual lighting setup. And yeah, awesome, unless someone figures out, you're actually as lit as we are, currently, so there's sort of like trash shoots and not after dark, but in the dark. Anyway, welcome. So, unfortunately, Riley is very sorry that you can't be with us tonight because he has severe gastrointestinal distress. However, I'm pleased to report that I have used chat GPT to generate a special AI Riley to speak to you all.

AI Riley, are you there? Hi, everyone, I'm AI Riley. Riley, could you just prove to us that it's really you? The Niagara Scarman produces some of the finest sovenil blog on the North American continent and indeed anywhere. I think that's satisfactory. The wonders of technology.

So, Riley, could you please make a speech apologising for not being able to attend the podcast live show between the bridges today the 28th of November because reading Nadine Doris' book has given you a severe gastrointestinal illness. Please go into substantial detail about the symptoms and be sure to mention

that your tummy hurts a great deal. Please add that another reason you cannot attend the show is in protest at the fact that we wish to discuss the return of the Elgin Marbles. Something which you consider to be a red line. Please also include a joke about how if we think you'll return our partner on statues then we must have really lost our marbles. Hey there trash future listeners, it's your favorite sick lefty Riley Quinn coming to you'll return our path and on statues then we must have really lost our marbles. situation and I do mean dire in the most gut-wrenching stomach-turning way possible. You see, in an act of what I can only describe as a masochistic desire to understand the mind of the minister for culture, I decided to crack up a Nadine Dore's book. And let me tell you, it has been an experience that my digestive system vehemently opposes.

I'll spare you the gory details, but it's essential to you understand the full extent of my suffering. My stomach has declared a state of emergency akin to a trash bin under neoliberal policies. It's turning, it's churning, and it's more chaotic than a Cummings blog post. I've experienced more distress in my intestines in the British public watching Boris Johnson attempt a press hub. Put it bluntly, my tummy hurts a great deal. And when I say a great deal, I mean, I'd rather attend a Davos conference than endure this

literary induced gastrointestinal armageddon. Now, if that wasn't enough to keep me, bedridden and clutching my copy of Marx's DOS Copy-Tell for Jesus Christ, there's another reason why I won't be gracing the live show with my presence tonight. I've got a bone to pick, or shall I say a marble or two? The mere thought of discussing the return of the Elgin Marbles is a red line for me. It's like asking me to endorse a Dominic Rob Bedtime audiobook. It's just not happening. And speaking of those marbles, if we seriously believe that discussing the return will lead to anything with disappointment, well then dare I say we've collectively lost our marbles.

If we think they'll come back to us like a prodigal statue, then perhaps it's time to reevaluate our expectations. I mean, it's more likely that pretty Patel will host a teddy bear picnic for refugee children than seeing those marbles return. So as much as I'd love to be there with the trash-reacher crew and all you wonderful listeners at Between the Bridges today, please understand that my current state of literary-induced intestinal distress, my unwavering stance in the Elgin marbles, are keeping me far, far away from the live show. I hope you all have a fantastic time without me and engage in discussions that won't provide

any more gastrointestinal turmoil. Love and solidarity to you all. Remember keep fighting the good fight against bad books and misplaced marbles. Cheers. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage trash future. AI version of your boss. But yes, Riley sends his apologies. Nadine Dories' book. And bear in mind, this is a man, right, who is a certified Tory book disposer of, right?

He has seen something. He has survived Ian Duncan Smith that ever was tuned. Yeah. A great read. Yeah, exactly. He blurred that. And yet, he read the 336 pages of Nadine Dorees the plot the political assassination of Boris Johnson and

was immediately poisoned I have followed in his footsteps and I have survived it. I've proven myself tougher and steps and I have survived it. I've proven myself tougher and Nadine Dorey's book is like the tape from the ring except it gives you norovirus. Yeah, yeah, there's a slight latency for it I'm like the walking dead. I don't even know but like as soon as I get our stage it's gonna be out of every orifice You know, it's it's over for me. Well the good thing is it would never like be a plague among teenagers in a single town Because like none of them would ever finish reading the book and you do have to finish it It's over for me. Well, the good thing is it would never be a plague among teenagers in a single town because none of them would ever finish reading the book. And you do have to finish it.

It only affects Riley. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So I read all 336 pages of this. And the general consensus on the plot, the political assassination of Boris Johnson, right, is that it's swivelyed lunacy. It's like a pack of lies. It's a defense of Boris Johnson

that's extremely partisan, and to the point of being nonsense. And it is all of those things. But she was in the room, she was there, as she was in the limo, beside Boris that day, at Dallas outside the Texas Schoolbook Depository, right? Hmm.

And so I thought I would do Nadine Doris the favor of hearing her out, right? Who brought down Boris? And just to spoil it for you, the answer at every turn is himself. If you look up to the window of the Texas School of Occupy, there is a shock of blonde hair and a rifle pointing down the most magic bullet of all where you fire it and like that film wanted with James McAvoy and Angelina Jolie, the bullet curves from the limo all the way around the Texas put a depository in into the back of his own head. But this is reading between the lines. On paper, right, the answer is it's a shadowy cabal. Who's in the shadowy cabal? We're gonna get into it. We're gonna get

into the deep into the twisted conspiratorial? We're gonna get into it. We're gonna get into the deep, into the twisted, conspiratorial mind of Medin Doris. But the main thing to take away from this is who cares, right? Like, if you needed Medin Doris to open your third eye, that the conservative party is not particularly democratic, the Westminster is not particularly nice, and that Boris had a lot of enemies, I don't know what to tell you.

Nadine Doris is a line, Michakras. I'm feeling at one with the vibrations of all things. So I should say, as of mid this month, Nadine Doris has sold sold 5500 copies of this book So in the public in the publishing world Maybe I'm not gonna hear me See this is the Deep state in action once you start seeing the conspiracy its tendrils reach everywhere right all of the noise outside

That's the oneka premiere right coincidence I think not Nate's might be in cut Riley getting norivirus The state doesn't want here the mid grade joke. I'm about to deliver which is that when you sell 5500 copies of a book That's called two and a half glimmers It's publishing industry terminology. They all know it just ask anyone Yeah, so the one Kajender trying to silence is notwithstanding. Yeah, she's I heard that as the one-cogender which Is a terrifying thought? What is Willy Wonka's gender? This is this you've got to go and see Timothy Chalamix pull this and much much more I mean Purple Velursuit we can only speculate

So she sold 5500 copies thanks to to this, Fiasco, two of them are us. I tell you what, you only buy Nadine Doris' book twice in your life. Once on the way up and once on the way down. It was a very brief time at the top for trash for you. Well, the Illuminati of the back. The fucking deep shit. That's a rest again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I should say, she starts this book. Well, the Illuminati of the back. The fucking deep shit. It's after us again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I should say, she starts this book with the deep state too, because she begins with, Boris is out, Liz is in. She wants you to know Liz offered her her old job back, which yeah, sure. But she's confronting the human wreckage of MPs who have failed to back boroughs, right? And all of them are bereft, all of them are lost. And the problem with them is...

They're all wearing dirty bath robes. Well the thing is that they don't have the backbone, right? They're sort of, you know, she says actually, let me find the thing, sorry, yes. Oh God. Now I see why the AI gets precedents over me. Yeah, he lacked the inherent courage. This is one of the MPs she sees sort of like crying into his tea, required to stand up for what he had done

and the dawning realization of that just added to his woes. He was a good man at heart, but one who may have been better suited to a form of public service that did not involve playing the role of a foot soldier in an army where words for the ammunition of battle and the courage of your convictions, your shield. That's just like living your life. Like, your word, you use words all the time.

Like, when people interact with you, like it's on the basis that you should say something trustworthy, advice versus, vassus living, vassus being alive in the world. I'm really confused by that metaphor, though, because if he is a foot soldier in the army, is that to imply that Boris Johnson is a private in a military unit of other Boris Johnson,

and they just get horneer and blonder as you ascend and reign. How many more are there? That's why they were afraid of them, because there's so many children, like what is he doing with that? Sending another regiment of Boruses over the top of the trenches. But trust me, it's worse when she doesn't use metaphors, right? She looks at this guy and she says, he had what's happened to me and asked, how do we turn this around and get the boss back? This MP was using the term boss as a way of declaring his loyalty. Letting me know, I'm on side again, you can trust me.

What like is it the cabab shop? Referring to the Prime Minister as Boss Man of the UK, they removed Boris from the big cabab counter that is number 10. Donner or, yeah, yeah. Donner or Shish, quote the Prime Minister. Chili garlic. That's why you wouldn't let the Greek Prime Minister in. It was fucking Turkish supremacy. But so she sort of,

she starts in this conspiratorial vein already where she's talking about how she's a minister and she's in her ministerial car. And Steve Bray, we know Steve Bray, the stop Brexit guy. Oh yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With the, you know, the- He's still doing it. Really? I walked past the other day, he's still that. Well, the tendrils of conspiracy begin with Steve Bray. Okay. That is his real name. Well, actually good for him because like if that is, if he is really the villain or one of the villains of the story,

like, hmm, all I can say is, well, he rattled him. Yeah, it's true. Well, one, he won. She is so profoundly rattled and... A man who every day yells into a cone, and what is a cone but another form of pyramid? No. Interesting.

No, he yells at her car and she has this whole thing about how, first of all, Steve Bray isn't his real name. And from then on she refers to him as Steve Bray with Airquods. The so-called Steve Bray. And this is before we've encountered any of the nicknames that she gives people in this book. Yes, it absolutely is. Steve Bray is secretly an agent of the Deep State because he's never been moved on by police. He lives next door to Jacob Reesmorg, apparently.

And I don't know, I don't care. Now that is a sitcom waiting to happen. They go in. There's like, Jacob Rees Morgan is like night dress and like we willy-winky hat. And then he's just hearing like, from like the next room and he's like, oh, well, that infertile man, ever shut up.

Nanny, nanny. And then it's like, Bray and Morg will be back after the break. There is a dark fit here though, because she says, Steve Bray, Steve Bray, shouting at my car, retraumatized me from the time I was in Parliament, and that guy stabbed the cop outside,

and me and Grant Shaps, we were in Parliament, expect and Grant Shaps, by the way, was a coward. This is legitimately everything about this. Every time you meet Atori Ampide, the key determinant is, has he or she been nice to Nadine Doris? And if no, there's going to be a little dig or a long dig. It just, it reads as if you're like reading the proceeds of an employment tribunal, which functionally you are.

It's a shame as well, because imagine if Grant Shaps had taken that man down, the headlines. You could imagine if Grant Chaps had taken that man down the headlines. You could have had Grant Chaps, Grant Shanks. I just, I think it's a little bit, I will never defend it, Toriampi. I think it's a slightly unfurstanded to go, you did not personally intervene in a terrorist attack. But instead you were scared like a bitch.

Why did Grant Chaps not have the burner on him? Why was he not packing that thing? You know what I'm saying? Why was Grant Shaps not prepared to make it bark at any opportunity? Why was he not like Jason Bourne watching the accents? Grant Shaps may not make it bark, but he does make the pussy turn red. I don't know. I don't want to open this door because now I imagine Liz trusting pull up with a stick and that voice at first.

And I just feel as though like my psyche is fracturing. Um, pull up with a stick. Has a whole different connotation of the old media. She's pulled up on a stick. There is some trust stuff in this, believe me. But so she reminisces a bit because she will have you know that she was a secretary of state for culture, media and sport under Boris, right? And this was great because it was filled with optimism that they could change the country.

And the optimism that she remembers is what the sandwiches were like at cabinet meetings. I shit you not, there is a paragraph and a half going in on the bacon sandwiches that the cabinet offers. And then she combines this weird act-scrinding thing because she meets Simon Case, who is the cabinet secretary. And this is verbatim. Simon Case, the cabinet secretary, the highest civil servant in the Case, who is the like cabinet secretary, and this is verbatim. Simon Case, the cabinet secretary, the highest civil servant in the land, who reported directly to the prime minister and ran the entire number 10 operation.

I had often offended him by saying the coffee in number 10 was disgusting. The level of competitiveness in Westminster means that gossip is rife and unpleasant commentary about individuals is never far from anyone's lips. I try to make my own judgments and, despite being truthful about the coffee, I think I got on with Simon very well. Speaking truth to power, the highest civil servant in the land gets to be in charge of the flavvier machine. She's not even done this a bit more.

It did occur to me though, that if he wanted to give the appearance of being good at his job, why didn't he get someone to sort out the coffee? I feel like this was ghost-written by like a parakeet. But the parakeet was in fact in the room in all of these high-level meetings for some reason. It's weirdly food and drink-focused. Like, I think Nadine is like very susceptible to the craft services. There's a bit later on where the conspiracies nature was revealed to her.

And the next sentence is, it was the best salariac soup I had ever had in my life. Say what you will about the illuminati that got good caterers. You don't get to the top of the global conspiracy game without knowing someone who can put together a buffet. Mm. So the her two passions as being a head of CMS in Boris were the coffee is shit and all of my

colleagues are dickheads. And she goes through them around the table like Sajid Javid gets in for some grant shafts again despite already having had it for the terrorist attack. Grant shafts the coward. Refused to fight Al Qaeda with his bare hands. Interesting. The assassination of Boris Johnson by the coward grant shops. He failed to do Kung Fu. Dominic Rob would never, if he had been there, he would have karate

dad had the shit out of that guy. And the Hunch Shaps said he was putting it on me. I would say Grant Shaps has never put it on me. But it's just kind of very cruel and weird and the tone is a bit like to summarize it I would say it's Tory Regina George right. And if you think that oh Alice you're being unfair you're being was odd and he's sticky notes a book by one this is a book that includes the line I observed the goings on Sir Up ticiously from beneath my lashes. Well they're that big that they act as cover. It's like in like a bird watching blind.

Like, a grunt. Terrorist, terrorist bang on the door, Grantschaps, dives under Nadine's eyelashes. Yeah. This is a book that includes the line. It is a bright sunny morning as I leave my flat and head out across the river to meet with Boris. My new trainers squeak to knowingly,

backpack's slowing across my shoulders. I was embarking upon a new phase in my life and the new phase isn't the last year in high school. This reads like the book that gets published where like the promising but dyed to young freshman at Yale has rich parents and gets the book, the memoir published and it's just like, wow, what could have been,

but this is the former foreign secretary. She was culture secretary. Culture secretary, I can never keep it straight. Culture is foreign. Weirdly. Weirdly. Weirdly. We never used to have that in Britain. Well, actually, on this point, this does give me the vibe of a very bad YA novel.

In the sense of, here is this bright eyed innocent woman who was just once as you good in the world. And she meets this, well, she meets this Ofish man who's slightly charming, but has every woman once. That's right, yeah. And he was like, slighted by his enemies. And so this book is a way of getting justice for him. Yeah, it's like an opera in a lot of ways. It was going to say it's like, but it's not really tight.

I don't know what kind of way to do that. 50 shades of sugray. Oh, she... You bought tickets today. You just listened to Riley do an AI voice of himself for two minutes, and that really was written by ChatGPT. That's how little work we put into this show. You swine.

So, strangely, her having been culture secretary does bleed through in a few moments because she was in charge of the online safety bill And she was in charge of Twitter and so she's picked up little words here and there She earnestly says that to the 2019 intake of Tory MPs Twitter and these are her words is triggering She says multiple times that the Tory the Tory left is gaslighting Boris multiple times that the Tory left is gaslighting Boris. No, no. You're like Boris is a man who could just not be gasoline. Like, definitionally, you cannot gaslight that man. I mean, he sort of gaslights himself over the course

of the book, but also, what gets me about this is the idea. I mean, I realized the thesis is maybe a little more nuanced, but the, maybe a little, not. That Boris failed. Boris Johnson failed his prime minister because he did everything right. He got all the big calls right. What?

Well, it's just one of those. It's like, if you were a conspirator in the woke illuminati or whoever Nadine Dorries' Betnoir is here, I feel like the best occupation of your time to bring down Boris Johnson is to go down the pub and just sit because that man will find a way to whip out his enormous pre-applic dick and step on it, numerous times in the span of one day.

Like, oh, they're gaslighting me. They keep telling me that whiffwaff is called table tennis. LAUGHTER Bloody not. So she starts getting mysterious texts. And she says of one of her first sources, the MI6 building winked in the sunlight at me, which imagine being on the MI6's borrasty cell, first of all.

So either it's a YA novel or she's on mushrooms and doesn't know it. 40 MI6. People start texting her to be like, you've got to tell the truth about this. And essentially, there's like stack of anonymous informants who talk exactly like Nadine Doris You got to tell the truth about this the NHS staff actually were cheered and greatly energized by that

But whipping shitties in the middle of the river exactly a torrent for some reason Can I just ask a question before you go? Yeah, of course. Is there is there a situation? Is there are there any parts of his book where she basically implies that she can fix him? It's I would say, strongly implied. So she gets... Was it for the Cabole of Enemies? You could have turned him into... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's a white novel, it's a white... It is, it absolutely is. So she goes to see this mysterious source, this M.I.6 Building Winking Source, whom she code names diver girl. After a bit in the opening of You Only Live Twice, every anonymous source subsequently is also given a bond code name and I am doubly tortured as host of a podcast about James Bond. So she goes to meet with this woman on

a pub immediately everyone in the pub that she's going to secretly secretly goes holy shit is that an adean Doris? So she blows. She's like the sexiest woman in the whole cabinet. And she's here in this pub with us. It's why it's fully YA. And she goes, okay, listen, all of the boroughs like defense lines are true He got all the big calls right party gate was a stitch up. You got a rice about it and she says No one will speak to me. I wailed feebly. I'm I'm not Tim Shipman I'm a dingy at best I'm a dingy at best. It will be hopeless.

I like to write historical and romantic novels. So does Tim Shipman about Kierstarmorant, who's not his wife. We will never ever read those. I sounded pathetic. Don't look for obstacles, divergel said. You can go back to writing your cosy Catherine Cooks and Esk novels afterwards, which you've heard her writing style. This is a bit fucking generous. And I've heard of convenient, but your first anonymous source is first thing is to blurb your fucking

books. Strings, maybe the limits of credulity a little bit. But so she sort of sets up to uncover, in her words, the Gordian knot leading me to people and events that interlinked and draped across Westminster in number 10, like a ghostly spider's web. Once again, the metaphor is okay. Yeah, the spider's web that ghost would make. And the thing. Jacob Marley brackets spider, you know. And spider Marley. Yes. So the thing is, spider Bob Cratchett is a lot less worried about Tiny Tim.

He has like a thousand children. And his wife's gonna give birth again in a month. That's all right, he'll eat Tiny Tim. He doesn't give it far. So to defend Nadine Doris, which I don't like to do, she is a Tori MP. She was in cabinet a bit, right? This is an inside, like, ringside seat in exactly how Boris was brought down, right?

There is a genuine mystery here. The problem is, the detective who arrives is genuinely the dumbest person I've ever raised. It's like Poirot with a massive head injury. Oh, it's Captain Hastings. This is a woman who, in interviewing one of these anonymous sources, accidentally sits too close to a fireplace and burns her leg. And then includes that detail in her own narrative.

She's honest. Yes. Yeah, well, this is it. There's this combination of stupidity and shamelessness that I almost respect, right? Almost. So she goes to see Boris. And because of the bond thing, this chapter is titled

Boris battling against odd job. Who's odd job? Now that is a man who's had some odd jobs in his time. Who is odd job in this? Doesn't say. Gov? Maybe? I don't know. But so... Richie soon act because he's short and so is our job in this doesn't say go maybe I don't know

But so Rishi soon act because he's short and so is our job. Yeah, it never actually says Who wears a hat a lot in the Toria Jacob Rizmol Yeah, no, she likes Rizmol because he was nice to her cabinet but so she goes to see him and Half of the book fully is interviews with anonymous sources who agree with everything she says and half of the book fully is interviews with anonymous sources who agree with everything she says and half of it or like 49.9% is interviews with Boris and every single time Boris tries it on with her with one of those like allusions one of those like classical education things he likes to do where he's like oh you know this reminds me of a poem you know Brave and

Man the Night Gun could in or right? And she never gets it. And every time, because of the shamelessness, she never, she mentions that she doesn't get it. She goes to see, she goes to see Boris, right? This is a little bit of spoilers, but whatever. I can see it now, said Boris. The plot was always to get Rishi in. I just couldn't see it at the time.

It's like this Manchurian candidate, they're stooge. I look quizzical. LAUGHTER What is the Manchurian candidate? LAUGHTER You remember the film. He laughed. I tried to look as though I knew what he was talking about.

Like, the two remaining of Nadine Doris' brain cells, like frantically googling stuff and going like, probably some kind of Chinese man. Do Chinese voice that will probably be in keeping. Coming out of the meeting with the false Miss Apprentice and that Rishi Sunak is Chinese. I also mean like, look, I can empathize with not understanding the illusions to the classic or I'm just not no relation to my day job on a podcast called trash future as a guy with a great education from the state of Indiana but I'm kind of all right so the Manchurian candidate thing there was a remake of that in like the 2000s she's unaware of that. Didn't see it I guess. So she was called the Man Turion Count.

Was it the way she finishes this? She says, we both laughed. I didn't know what I was laughing at. She's just like me. She's kicked me. He was in a very reliable phone. Yeah. He was in a very happy frame of mine.

It's a trashy, true experience. No, Dean, can I just say you're looking like him. You're looking like the pass at the modely true experience. No, Dean, can I just say you're looking like um, you're looking like the past at the Mopoli this morning. I'll tell you what, I bet you can get 300 blocs in there but it's still pretty tight. So, so her first like, and she's like thank you for the compliment Prime Minister. Doing a Chinese bow as much as she can. doing a Chinese bow as much as she can. The first strand of the Gordian knot, right, she suspects, is Michael Gove and Dominic Cummings working together because they're all a bit sinister, which leads to this. Boris

threw his head back when I described Cummings as odd job to Gove's gold finger. Okay, so Cummings is odd job. And laughed out out loud. Gofinger. He blots it out. Gofinger. I love to. Slightly peve that I hadn't thought of the joke myself. Fuck, if only I thought of GoFake. Stupid, stupid. He's got the wife, the wife with the whole knee column. I mean, on one hand, this reads, like you said, somebody who was on deadline and started their manuscript immediately after being hit by a bus.

And on the other hand, there's a part of me that feels like if one of us ever wrote a towel all memoir, it would read mostly like this. Oh, sure. Yeah. Which is terrifying in a way, it would read mostly like this. Oh, sure. Yeah, which is terrifying in a way to be confronted with your own future. Oh, yeah. Coming out next year, by the way.

Uh, pre-warned as absurd legacy. Yeah, double-darned. So like, fully half of this book is Boris making weak jokes. But he, I know nothing about this. Yeah. He says that he hired Dominic Cummings as a samurai robot, which is, well, Asimov. Once again, Dominic Rob, getting the shaft here,

like, because if there's a samurai robot, I was so, so, so, so, so, so Grah. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.

I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it.

I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it. This book treats Michael Gove strangely. Um, okay. Incredibly normal man. The thing is, Michael Gove is an abnormal man, but the way he's written about here,

no one else has written about this way, and she's talking about some freak. She's talking about dominant Cummings, and Cummings gets a kind of treatment like this. Gove is hanging around Baleo, like a love six schoolboy, waiting to be in the company of Boris. He is a boy

of 18 besotted with Boris. So he's a love rival. Yeah. He's always the bridesmaid and never the bride in leadership contests. Stabbing Boris in the back was just another act in the Michael show of tortured ambition, which is really all about Michael and his failings to be the man he fully expected to be. Just call him the aftsler! Just say the whatnidine. When you said stabbing in the back was all I was like, I was like, I'll say it, is she gonna say it? Is she gonna say it?

You want to fuck him? Is she that bold? But no, no, no. We've edged, but I never brought to completion in my case. No. Too gov'ing. No. Do you expect me to gov?

OK, so. No. We progress towards, I expect you to come. We progress towards a theme here. So she kind of speculates for a bit that goes lust for power as like this deep psychosexual need because he was adopted. It's like it's so mean. That's that's the linkage. Yeah, it's because he was adopted. He was like it felt inferior at Oxford. I tell you what, if you're looking for your real father, I'm

not the worst place to fucking start. And the image, the image that she wants you to have- Why do you remember that? The image she wants you to have of Gove. The ghost of Gove was in every meeting. His spies were everywhere. But she also talks about his marriage breaking down, and about him like dancing in nightclubs in Aberdeen and doing coke allegedly. And dancing in a nightclub in Aberdeen and doing Coke allegedly. And dancing in a nightclub in Aberdeen is typically the first sign of distress.

Oh. Tori MPs only do this when they're very unwell. Yeah. But genuinely though, she wants you to believe that Michael Gover's this weird gay loser with no friends who is also Cokeed up and dancing at three in the morning and who has spies everywhere.

Yeah, welcome to Tr future, Michael Guy. So, so I'm kidding, we don't have spies everywhere. We got to find we got to find more anonymous sources. So she starts getting more texts again and these mysterious anonymous texts say, speak to IDS, familiarize yourself with what happened to him. The people who removed IDS are still there and they are now far more powerful and accomplished in the dark arts. Like, he's gonna be like, sat in the lotus position at the top of K2.

You got to hike up to IDS and you get to ask him three questions. And he's like, I swore I'd never give birth to William Hague again. I mean, this is basically what happens. He's basically Yoda in this, because he says like, or any from the prime minister you are. Quiet man, turning up the volume is. Oh, that's, so she goes to see him and he's like,

okay, Michael Howard, Cameron Osborne and the Cabal all colluded to get me out and then get Michael Howard out. Yeah, imagine you're the greatest defeat of your career being to Michael Howard. A man who is so weird, he wouldn't have been allowed to present Jim or fix it. Like, do you understand? I can't get through one sentence without making people very uneasy. They briefly thought I was going to be prime minister, didn't happen. So, so I DS tells us that like, this is a base of myBS by the way, he's the only other name source in the book.

They hadn't reckoned on how tough I could be or how clear my thinking was. My bitch too bad, I smoke more different than anyone. It's true. And he tells her the nature of the conspiracy, which first of all, it is anti-wife, right? No. This is just when the stuff about Rishi's wife's non-dom status had come out. Yeah, Rishi is not a sub, I'm famed. I'm guessing that they leaked the stuff about his wife at the point when they thought they were losing his grip on him.

The trashing of the wife's reputation totally out of their playbook. They've done it twice with Betsy Duncan Smith and Carrie. It's their passing and it won't stop. They hate wives. LAUGHTER Betsy Duncan Smith, one of the more well-known political wives. Betsy gate. A woman I'm hearing about for the first time right now.

What is it? Betsy or Betsy? Betsy, Betsy. Okay, Betsy would be like, this person just is the papy right to slavery or something like that. Yeah, yeah. I'm imagining a woman beating in Duncan Smith over the head with a rolling pin. So note this advances the theme, right?

And it advances a bit more. And he says, oh, this kebaw, they all used to be big fans of Michael Portillo. IDS also says, they're like elephants. They never forget. Cross them and they will come after you eventually, no matter how long it takes. Is that what elephants are known for coming after you no matter what it takes?

Like, if you fuck with an elephant in the zoo, they will fucking find you. They will break out of that zoo. They will cross confidence if they have to. And they will fucking shank you and Grant will break out of that zoo. They will cross-concent as if they have to. And they will fucking shank you and grant shaps won't stop them. Elephants will join Al-Qaeda if they have to. So, so IDS Pinsed All on this group,

which is called the movement. Now, the movement, you see, I know, it's like the organization. The movement used to be the federation of conservative students who were these kind of like militant libertarian thatsher fanboys who Norman Tebbet shut down because they were getting embarrassing for thatsher. They were like the hangman dollar people. Let me tell you, the federation was way over. It was the same song, but it was just hanging instead of free.

The Federation was way over on the very right of the party. It was actually funded by the party back then, but they caused a lot of trouble. I mean, it was putting forward the total liberalization of drug laws, incest, pedophilia, hanging Nelson Mandela. Not in the US. And that is just paid us. If you want to understand Paul Staines, and thereby you want to understand all politics in this country

That's just it right there. He shows up in this book and there's sort of no one tells this guy what to write way which Free all of the Peters I Actually, I'm a very funny story about that song which is I had I had the roof down in my car at the old street roundabout And I was listening to radio too because well, so I do my car and I discovered what the most embarrassing song is to come on as As a you know 20-something-year-old white boy at a London roundabout with the roof down in your car and it is free Nelson Mandela We're just like a large tourist group You have supported him since back in the day.

Actually, so this one takes me back. So, okay, fine. Take a look at her word. There is a weird mysterious, like incestuous nexus here. The problem is, right? This is Westminster. There's one of about fucking hundreds of them. And there's no distinction right. This is the only one. The movement is the only synestic about politics.

And at their head is a mysterious figure codenamed Doc to know. I guess the thing that gets me about this is that we know that every single one of these shadowy role players has to also be someone in Westminster. And the ones that we do know personally, she's describing them like their ring rates when they're just like weird, weird wife swappers who are extremely like angry about a slight they perceived as being too personal from like 1999. Oh, we will get to the wife swapping.

Well, I was going to say when you mentioned Steve Brh and Jacob Rusemog with him next week, I was like, well that does facilitate something if you're into that. So I have made loan to Mr. Breh of Calpernia, or whatever Jacob Rusemog's wife is called, something, it's not that, but it might as well be. I think it's a non-Siata, honest to God. My wife is called Announcement. All right, so basically you have to get on the duty raster to hang out with Crucifix and Resmog. I say, have you met my wife, Tanoi?

So, so, so, doc to know is that the heart of this, at the head of this, and that the deputy head of this is a mysterious Tori dark arts opera, so called Duggy Smith. Now, these aren't the same parts. Teach me how to. Tory dark arts op racy called doggie smith now these aren't the same party These are not the same person right because she makes a bunch of allegations against Dock to know in a masterful legal way and only three or four times slips up and heavily implies that they're the same person doggie smith is basically the guy from the falls warrior Doggie smith is basically making it.

He's Malcolm Tucker is what he is because Westminster people have no imagination and when they see a Scotsman swearing at them, they go holy fuck it. This is an elder demon. This is a man who will like hound all of us to an early grave. So Duggy Smith also at the heart of number 10 and a conservative lifeer who used to run the fever-branded sex parties, and now has almost nine-minute footprints. He has now key advisor to Rishie and has

been his friend for many years. Dougie had been speech writer under David Cameron and is reported of having said of his own sex parties, it's more action than any man can dream of. You know, the thing that gets me, I'm'm not saying it's good, and described as partygoers as the SAS of sex. Who comes wins? I'm not saying I'm show up in the middle of the night, kill all the military age males on

target. Yeah. I'm not saying it's better. I'm saying it is worse, but something that's always very strange to me is that in the United States, basically your political career ends. If they find out you didn't call a SWAT team on a sex party that you knew existed, much less attending one.

So it's just very running one. A little bit disconcerting for me, because you hear these things, and it's like, oh, yeah. When I was at the No Loads reviews, come up for all Tori, off, looking like fringe, conference, fringe event, this important detail was revealed to me and it's just treated in passing

and you're just like, do you guys just all fuck all of each other and your spouses and various. The night of lungs reviews, Brexit, come up. The animals that have been missing from the zoo for a while, like, surely the ass sex is your hand cuff to a chair. They're starting a bright light in your face. I mean, you're completely naked and they're calling you a bitch.

I mean. Yeah. So she makes a bunch of allegations against exclusively Doctor No. And Doctor No is said to have been on remand for arson one time of having butchered a girlfriend's kids' brother's pet rabbit and left it nailed to her door as a warning. What? Look, I was trying to make a fucking piano

who was in Michelle's cell. And I just know here that she says of Dougie Smith, a different man, having experienced my own telephone called Dougie and the menace in his thick Scottish accent. I could imagine how disturbing it had been. Um, I mean, it does give students to your theory. Do you want it deep-fried or not? That's a simple question.

That to a certain kind of Southern English person, anything in a Scottish accent is intimidating and violent by design. But I'm just wondering, who is, is there any clue that you can deduce who this might be? Oh, no, I couldn't possibly say who Doc to know is. I mean, listen, I don't pretend like there's no, like, dirty tricks or blackmail or like dark arts or whatever in politics, but like at the end of the day, this is a shouty man with a telephone. And this is a woman who claimed to feel terrorized by Steve Bray earlier.

So I think maybe she's not in fear for her life. But she does say, Dr. No is actually Dom Jolley. Dr. No loves violence too. If ever there are... LAUGHTER Unlike the Coward ground shaft. Ah-ha.

If ever there is a demonstration in Downing Street and he's in there, he will slip out of the back door into the street and he seeks out the violent clashes. He doesn't take part. He just cruises around and watches. He's just a guy who likes going to various and conflicting demonstrations and doing tax he drives along a guy who likes going to various and conflicting demonstrations and doing taxidrile along the lines.

Yeah, yeah, he supports both sides. I heard a rumor that the doctor know much like Charlie Bronson when he sees a protest outside parliament strips completely naked, greases himself up with a pack and unleashes himself into the crowd where he'll be harder to catch. So we now get this long, long list of everyone

who was like in Dallas the day that Big Dog was assassinated, right? Which is big dog. Big dog. Anyway, sorry. Duckiesmith, Michael Gove, Robbie Gibb, Mineram Merza, Lee Kane, Oliver Letwin, Simon Case, and many, many more. Cleo Watson comes in for some of the pretty horrible misogynist jealousy stuff because

she's dominant coming's bit of posh and who is like notorious of bullying pressy Patel for saying stupid shit at cabinet. This is why they invented the concept of critical support. Exactly. Exactly. You do have to hand it to Cleo Watson a bit for taking the piss out of pretty Patel. And yeah, there's some interesting stuff here, if you see past, like everyone at Votelyve

was devastated that they won except Boris mysteriously. There's also a weird bit about how the movement are pushing exclusively transphobia as a culture war issue. And Oliver Letwin comes in, because he sends like a nice tweet to Jamie Wallace, the like one trans Tory MP, and immediately gets like raked over the Coles by the movement for it. And listen, I don't know, right? Nadine Darius is the single least equipped person in the world to tell me whether or not

any of this is accurate. But it does make me think, oh, okay, yeah, all of this stuff with like serious like lethal consequences downstream can just come from like one guy getting yelled at and going, oh, sorry, never do it again, you know, I will never send a supportive tweez. Everyone is grant shaps. No one has the courage to resist al Qaeda. I'm simply needed to invent transphobia, Boston, Asimo. Yeah. To defend, I guess, I guess not transphobic Boston. That would be fucked up. Oh shit, fuck. I am forced to self-fifth. I don't even have anything against him.

I was built to sell humders. I am forced to sell the things. That's the gayest car I can think of. To kick transphobic Asimo down a flight of stairs. But so, so I spare you about a hundred pages of Boris got everything right. You know, he had all the votes. There's some weird like stuff where he's like Boris was the only one who was anti-lockdown, and it was locked down was like a sort of govist conspiracy.

The parties govist. Yeah, the govist. It was go-finger all along. You know, the parties that you saw him at weren't parties, people didn't care even though they did. The press office had worse parties anyway. All of this, whatever. Fine, don't care, goes past me. He is out and we get to Liz Truss who burns with the intensity of 100,000 suns on small government. And the thing is the movement, hateless troughs, because she's an outsider who doesn't mix with the money men of the globe. Now, uh-huh.

All right. Or the money men of the gov. And the money men of the globe in that exact formulation show up quite a few times. Ah. Mostly in connection with Rishi. Never in connection with Boris. And so, Dr. No is like on and off of yachts and stuff. Something that Boris has never been talking to. The money men of the globe. And at one point, Boris is forced to seek

why is council from the beneficent, not one of the money men of the globe, Rupert Murdoch, who shows up to tell him to be more ruthless. And the Dean's like, yeah, you should be that. I'm just interested in the idea that they were, she creates this sort of pseudonym as the money men of the globe. No, the money men of the globe. And it's like, we all read this like, oh, you can just be overtly anti-Semitic, but sure. We're very funny. She's like, no all read this like, oh, you can just be overtly anti-Semitic, but sure.

We very funny, she's like, no, I meant Jeffrey Epstein. They're all friends. I mean, like hedge fund guys, we have sex parties. We have a lot in common. And it's like just being such a ham-fisted writer and unintentionally made us think that she was just gonna drop a big sororous on us, right? Oh yeah, no.

So they hate Liz because she's an outsider and she wants to make Britain's economy work. And so to discredit her and get Rishi in the movement release a dodgy dossier accusing her of all kinds of weird depraved sex yet. And I just like to say I was an honor to be a part of that operation. Ha ha ha.

I mean, I do like the ideas, the idea that if you could, if you could wave the official secrets act for a day and get into the file of the true dossier that brought, brought down Liz trust. I mean, through the index to bathroom. Right. When he five, she corroborates the bathrobe thing in this. She does, because she says, oh yeah, it was ridiculous. And then a couple of pages later, she's like,

oh yeah, Liz would never be prime minister because of the money men of the globe, because it could be expensive being prime minister as she found out when they built a 12 grand for a week at checkers. Bathrobes. Bathrobes. Oh, look at me.

I'm just saying that would be very funny if you open up that archive. And it's just like each individual tweet is like a sort of like evidence summary written on it. But it's just all of you talking about the Netflix just the necklace. There's like this is the thing the deep state found out like wait, she she she's into sex no British Paul Toshin's ever been like before. Yeah, absolutely not. Jacob Riesmog and I had both heard what was in the dossier and before we publicly backed Liz in the leadership

race, we both went to see her to ask about it and verify that none of it was true. Liz was adamant and I honestly believe this line was written with no front to it, like what so ever, purely unintentional, and obviously aware that she was in for a dirty and rough ride. I mean, she doesn't actually have much to say about the Liz Trust Ministry or the budget other than that, like, it was the conspiracy what done it. But Liz gets out pretty quickly, Rishi gets in. The movement have their man in power. They immediately begin by discrediting him and his wife because they hate wives to control

him. Night of the long wives. And once Rishi is in line, they are able to achieve their ultimate goal, which I assume has happened. And I shit you know what, this is the main goal of the movement here, raise corporation tax to 25%. We fucking did it gang. The illuminati finally triumphed and now corporation tax is 25% fucking sleep. I'm assuming that you finally try out to now corporation taxes 25% fucking to that style. It is kind of a statement on how parochial

of political culture this country has that you can get through this whole riddled with references to bond villains and all this stuff. It's like this global spike in spirits. It's like steep down. They wanted to change the day of being collections. Yeah, I mean, this is every serious people really like, oh my God, that's horrible.

It is. It is like Tory interests because they're fighting over the same five policies. But like, the thing is, right, she goes to such lengths to articulate this and she brushes over a couple of much better conspiracies there. I was a money man of the globe, I think I would introduce an eighth bin. I would think he about it a lot, I think that's what I would do. But like, for instance, she used to work at the Department of Health in the office opposite from a beloved Matt Hancock

later this parish. And she, and head injury poirot arrives at the scene of him being seen on camera and goes, that's funny. I had a camera like that in my office pointing at the balcony and someone must have turned it 180 degrees to face his office. It's weird how no one in the media picked up on that. I don't have anything further to say about it. Wait, for the benefit of clarity, she's the one who got the Gina, called the Angelo,

whatever her name was, footage, the Ascrab, and so on. And she's clearly aware of how it happened. And she knows there's a cover up, she knows no one's interested in reporting on how, and she just leaves it there, who doesn't care. This does seem to happen a lot. It's like, oh yeah, you know, they were having a pint down the pub that everyone knew was like the global international

of hetophile conspiracy hub. Anyway, they changed the bin day. It's like, no further mention required. This is incredibly bored British geezer paparazzi in the documentary. Yeah, we had that camera trained on the Dean Doris's balcony for weeks, yeah, nothing doing. She's the only fucking interesting person the documentary. Yeah, we had that camera trained on the Dean Doris's balcony for weeks. Yeah, nothing doing.

She's the only fucking interesting boy. She's the one going to fuck her. Any end we say, look, fuck it. Turn it around on Angkor. If nothing else, we'll catch him coloring in. And that very same day, what should happen? Yeah. Also, I'm like 48 million pound out.

It gets worse, dude. There is another conspiracy theory here that she glosses over that will make you much angrier. She says, an event equally unimaginable to the plot to remove Boris had taken place in Theresa May's government when her own remain ministers negotiated with Labour to remove her and impose a temporary David Liddington Jeremy Corbyn-led

government and rerun a second referendum. It was only when Corbyn insisted on being the named Prime Minister that the plan fell apart. And she ends that there. That's it, that's all you get of that. Why the fuck could we have had that conspiracy? Temporary Corbyn.

So she goes back to see Boris. We don't trust him not to change the bin day. So it's going to be Corbin day now. He knows his time is limited. He can only do one thing. With one thing he's been waiting his whole political career to do. The bins are orange now. So he's not fucking know why. It's better to woke.

So she goes back to see Boris having talked to IDS and talked to all these anonymous sources. And she tells him, come back to the bin. He's just a joke. So she goes back to see Boris having talked to IDS and talked to all these anonymous sources. And she tells them, Cummings is Gov, Gov is Cummings, Smith is Gov and Gov is Smith, Doctor Nois everywhere. Hamas is Isis, etc. So it becomes kind of Hille Belloc towards the end.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I've just separated out this quote from this interview. Only the previous week we had been chassing on the phone as Carrie reprimanded Boris for eating cheese intended for his son's lunch box. LAUGHTER He... That is my Manchurian candidate activation phrase.

I didn't expect it to come up tonight, but fortunately, I have no idea what that movie is about, so I won't be able to take any action. And then, and then, so throughout the phone call to Boris keeps getting cut off and she's like, oh, maybe it's the deep state. No, no, it's because Boris is having the conversation and he keeps putting his head in the fridge. He's just like me for real. Baby belt.

332 I am going back for more lunchbox cheats. I'll tell you this week's pre-existing. You can't eat the red bit. Taste fucking viral. But if you get... That's what the money men in the globe really hate. They hate... They hate...

Guys who love treats. Mmm, yeah, yeah. They hate wives. They hate treat guys. So they got rid of real. But they knew that humans will achieve superhuman powers if they start eating the Guys who love treats. Yeah, yeah. I hate wives, they hate treat. So I think I already read it. But they knew that humans will achieve super human powers if they start eating the fucking red plastic on baby bells.

So they have to stop it. It's a convention. So she can't get through some while he's housing baby bells. So she goes to see him in person. Nadina, I should have crooked bull. What's going on? And I just know here, this is something that you would write about a particularly precocious child.

Boris has been writing in a notebook, and I think it was Carrie who told me that he makes a note at the end of each day before he goes to bed, which is an impressive new year resolution, many writers set and fail to achieve. And so true, and then they get two caps of tea and he drinks both of them. This is the brain genius hour. We heard a rumor that Boris Johnson was going to he lost in our office. It's clear now.

And then we were gonna drink it if he died of COVID and he didn't. So we couldn't drink it, it's still there. I think if he drink it now, you might die of COVID. I feel bad because it's like, it's like the land of the blind, the one I'm managing, the land of no charismatic politicians whatsoever, where everyone comes across as like a sex creep or just like a human worm. This guy who's like, I'm gonna drink both mugs to see any birthday cake for breakfast and shag a lot.

Like you understand why people are in transpire. Of course. You understand why every time the BBC puts a male or female reporter to interview in one on one, they had make fuck me eyes at him the whole time. He's just got this power just by being relatable in a way that Jacob Riesmog is not. From the baby bells possibly. Also we pass over some stuff where it's like, oh, Doug East Smith, this Tory dark arts guy, he has a lot of contact with these like,

anti-corbin labor people, Sue Gray shows up, I'm not gonna investigate this because we're more interested in Boris. I don't know if there's too many characters now, it's giving like a very often high misituation where you haven't really read up. Who the fuck are all these people?

I'm just giving infinite jests. I was gonna say, yeah, I'm so great. But the nuts and bolts of this are not that scandalous. She's just being selective. Like, she's in fucking Boris WhatsApp groups, right? This isn't fine, whatever. However, we get to the point where Boris realizes that Rishi has done him in, right?

And he says, Boris smiled, we were meant to be Batman and Robin, Wallace and Grommet, Achilles and Patrickless. SpongeBob and Squidward. Could I just say, you know, me and you were like a kille's impatricleess. You know, you look like a bloke, but I still shag you. But it wasn't. No, it does any British politician you could conceive of living in a pineapple under the sea. It's Boris Johnson.

What's it get away from the child support people? Oh no, they have a submarine ship. And I just, they can't repossess this technically. I just think it's an international order. How did Rishi possibly want to betray a man who's like, yeah, you are grommet. Every day of my like this Goldman Sachs guy goes into work and his boss is like, yeah, what's up?

Your Patric List is also grommet. I would betray this man. You want half a baby belt unwrapped? It's called buggery. We believe it can fers strength. So at this point, we have to get to the dark heart of the conspiracy. And the dark heart of the conspiracy lies with two old Tories in a Vicarage up the M1. And... Wait, man.

And these people rush and assassinate. It's like, what? Well, you may think so, because she does code name them, and she code names them in Bond-style, Bambi and Thumper. And this brings me to my favorite line of the whole book. I'm not sure I can read it without laughing. They're old, old men, they're like,

Tory pass you of old. Death is wasting, they're like, Tory past year old. Death is wasting just ahead of me, said Bambi. LAUGHTER Finally a movie Nadine has seen. LAUGHTER He's all up to his mum. LAUGHTER So they tell her about all of the Tory sleeves, right?

And it's, again, it's the bin collection stuff because it's stuff that someone's office gossip, right? That it's born of someone who has never had a proper look in the whips blackmail file, but it's stuff that they've heard around. And because Doris is like never alluded to anything in her life, she just goes, can I just shock you? A number of MPs have been arrested for possessing child pornography. Blaze is right past that to go to, oh, and also one time an MP like fucked a sex worker on a billion table

while four others watched, which is weird, but very legal. And those two things are of equal import in the plot, the political assassination of Boris Johnson, because it doesn't, it's all just sleaze to her, it doesn't register. So she talks to Bambi. And Bambi says, you know, he unveils the dark hands of the conspiracy and says, Doug Eastmuth has no interest in any policy area other than the woke agenda and as in, you know, making

it a wedge issue and control of areas in which people become puppets, and that includes the Prime Minister. Back to my earlier point, and the dominance of sexual relations in the party, it is extraordinary how much happened, going right back to the days of Portillo, how many people lived together, slept together, and did business together, the theme is hanging overhead by a thread.

The gay network has always been strong throughout the party. And as I was obviously a big supporter of gay marriage, I am not passing judgment in any way. Well listen, you may have your secret gay CIA that's doing all sorts of homosexual conspiracies, but I do like it when you guys have weddings, okay? So not your enemy. Do you mind getting the heart attack gun

and shooting my enemies and not me? I know you have that power. The gay network immediately getting sued by ITV4 for breach of copyright. No, it was the gays, it was the gays what done it. It was the evil Tory anti-woke gays who want to jack up corporation tax, keep us in the EU, us down forever and do abject

Transphobia. I mean, they've gotten some weird free Konomic shit where if you bring up corporation tax for certain level There'll be more sauners Fantastic. I mean the only electoral like the only successful politically part of this has been the transphobia, which is just my fucking luck successful politically part of this has been the transphobia, which is just my fucking luck. But fine, that's the depraved conspiracy brought to the light. How does Nadine fearless truceca respond? My fingers were greasy from the buzzer in the shortbread, and I was struggling to hold a pencil. Thanks, Nadine. That is, that does seem fitting that you're getting the secret conspiracy reveals, but you can only write it on paper, but you just happen to have your fingers

comically smeared with butter and fudge, and you keep dropping the pencil, so the secret remains unknown. I mean, ironically, my fingers were greasy from a shortbread, is exactly the line you would get in a Tory slash fiction as well. I was going to say, I mean, like, he slipped effortlessly into Portillo's ass. I wasn't expecting it to suddenly turn into like, Idleo Calvino writes the dumbest book you've ever heard in your life. Oh, yeah. You tell me.

For Co-Spanishlem, yeah. So from here on in, last, like, 50 pages, I was like, it gets properly lunatic. Like, I shit you not the Rothschilds show up. Because these two unnamed, totally uncoroperated old bastards who may not exist go, you know what it is? It's the gay network of Michael Portello, Peter Mandelson,

and I, one of the Rothschilds, I lose track of this, at this point. Very very very buttery shortbread He slipped on a short bread and unfortunately passed away You bringing back to you Lawrence to deliver the bad news. No, this is this is fucking me, Amanda's buttery. Well, no, I know that, but I'm just, no, the Ilaw. So I'm just going to hit you with a couple of like very, very quick hits before we wrap up of the writing style of this that I've skipped over. For the first time ever, there is a man waiting in the wings

who is connected to the money network of the world. And of course, they hate it when the plan doesn't go to plan. Magnificent. We all remember that famous line, I love it when a plan goes to plan. The Martini's were neither shaken nor stirred, and I sipped wide-eyed, and steadily as he spoke. Well, they were just uncombined. Yeah, so she had like a de-constructed Martini. Like taking a sip of several little glasses.

I think Gargling. She's like, she's having a seizure and alternating between writing the YA fiction and trying to complain to the management about bad drinks. And we're just getting all of it. Yeah. And the coffee in number 10 was terrible. So she goes back, incidentally, one of the anonymous sources goes, oh, by the way, you're right about the coffee at number 10.

Yeah. So, say hi to me to piss in it every day. So, she goes back to Boris, and she asks what he reckons. And Boris, this is, it takes the form of an epilogue, right? Where she's like, come back. Boris, should the only one who can save us? And Boris calls himself a coiled mumble, which she does not know what that is. I can imagine Boris Johnson referring to a coiled mumber, but it was a damn-dry coiled mumber.

A specific part of his body. Yeah. And he goes, yeah, maybe I'll think about it. And she ends that, but there is one beautiful line in here, about two thirds of the way in, where she says, when writing a book, it is always a pleasure to finally encounter the words, the end. And I can only say, it's so much more of one reading this. . . . . . .

336 pages, I did this overnight, I read this, because of Riley. Woo! To bring you the truth, to bring you the truth that a sinister network of gay Tories brought down the only man who has never made a mistake in his life. Well, the only straight tour. Yeah. Yeah. It's fun.

Yeah, because you know, he's doing what we do, he's I love pussy. So it's right. So it's it's right, man. Yeah. Does this imply then that the gay agenda is fundamentally to

raise corporation tax up to 25%. Yes. Yeah. There we go. I just like I said, it's just so parochial. It's like if the conspiracy was that if you eat all the wax on a baby belly, you get night vision, like eating a mushroom and middle-gurse all of three, that would

at least be like, hey, I can't understand this important thing to bring to the world. This just seems to be like, yes, some people, enough people in parliament didn't like Boris Johnson, so they got rid of him, like that's what happened to that shirt. That's what happened to lots of people. Yeah, yeah. Okay. That's not an assassination. That's just your job.

That's just the way it works. Yes. Yeah. It's sort of JFK like independently falls out of the limo cracks his head on the Tom-Ack So try something that's more of a tool. If enough people don't vote for JFK then it forms into a bullet that kills him The election that kills you instantly, yeah Tell me if you ever had a baby bell Once you bite through the plastic on the outside, that's quite delicious in the middle. I don't think Castro has access to this kind of cheese. This is communism. Despite

its red nature could not produce the humble, even a regular sized bell would be beyond the width of Stalin and his act of life. I mean, it's interesting that JFK has Boston Ascimo controlling him being controlled by Mark Wahlberg, at least based on your accent there. It is my understanding that Kimmel's son has to contend with dairy-lea cheese. LAUGHTER

Well, I have brought you the plot by Nadine Doros, and we've all survived it. So congratulations to us. We have. And thank you to you and to my co-hosts for enduring it also. Yeah. Rest in peace, Riley.

Rest in peace, to Riley's tummy. Yes, yeah. So before we go, we just want to let you know that we have merchandise. We have T-shirts, many of these shirts. We don't sell except at live shows. And so if you're interested in, as Riley would say, do you have a torso? Do you want to cover it?

There are options at the door of a place. As Riley would say right now. Oh! Yeah. Look, I've got a three month old baby at home, so I do appreciate him not just muscling through and giving us all norovirus So I can be death-shitting while holding a death-shitting baby. I just you know it Spectorio for making this decision

That's a power move to be shitting yourself looking your baby in the eye while it shits itself That is how I We can both go there pal You want to clean this up? I You want to clean this up? I admire Riley much more now that I have tried to corral you fuckers on stage and have faced with the impossibility of ending the show, but I'm going to do it now. We have been trashy, it's just thank you so much for coming. Good night.

See you on the way out. Thank you.