TRASHFUTURE - Water Wars in Shagaluf

Episode Date: July 16, 2019

Our beautiful son Riley is still in New York, a city famous for being ‘alright’ if you ‘like’ ‘saxophones.’ In the interim, Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), Nate (@inthesedeserts), and Alice are here to hold down the fort. We’ve uncovered a startup that wants to scan your licence place and use it to order McDonalds. We’ve read an op-ed encouraging the securitisation of water scarcity. We’ve blanched upon contact with a James Dellingpole op-ed about his daughter’s ‘virginal beauty’ (not making this up) as she goes on holiday to Magaluf. There’s also a discussion of a very ribald binder. Enjoy! If you like this show, sign up to the Patreon and get a second free episode each week! You’ll also get access to our Discord server, where good opinions abound. https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *LIVE SHOW ALERT* We’ll be performing at the Birmingham Transformed festival on 8th August. Details to come in the next few weeks. If you’re in the West Midlands, come down to Brum for a night of delightful soup jokes. Get tickets here! https://ti.to/birmingham-transformed/birmingham-transformed-2019 *OTHER LIVE SHOW ALERT* Come see Trashfuture live at the Edinburgh Fringe! We’ll perform on August 10th at 21.30. The venue is Venue 277, PQA Venues @Riddle's Court, Edinburgh EH1 2PG. Tickets are £11.50 and there are a ton of discounts available. Get them here: https://tickets.edfringe.com/whats-on/trashfuture-live-at-the-fringe *SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT* Guess who’s going to play live at The World Transformed in Brighton this September? That’s right, your favourite podcast lads. Buy a ticket here: http://theworldtransformed.org If you want to buy one of our recent special-edition phone-cops shirt, shoot us an email at trashfuturepodcast[at]gmail[dot]com and we can post it to you. (£20 for non-patrons, £15 for patrons) Do you want a mug to hold your soup? Perhaps you want one with the Trashfuture logo, which is available here: https://teespring.com/what-if-phone-cops#pid=659&cid=102968&sid=front

sad news today in the trash future basement, that our petition to replace the statue of which Winston Churchill with Eva01, the purple robot from Evangelion. And I know that there's people right now who are mad that I called it a robot. It's not a robot. It's more of a... It's so much more than a robot, actually. It's kind of a mixture of, you know, sentient, ancient beings that are just enhanced by Mecca. It represents so much more. Like most of the columnists at the spectator. I feel like, you know, when I set this petition up, I felt that we were a country that was too locked in the past to suck in our old ways. And if we are going to really progress with Brexit,

then we need to be looking at the future. We need to be looking at progress and what we could become and what better outcome is there that we can be then part of a giant apocalyptic machine. And that's where I felt that the statue of Churchill had to be replaced with an Evangelion anyway. You should have pitched it as an Evangelion manufactured by Dyson. What I did say was I was willing to compromise and that if we were to build the Evangelion on Parliament Square, we would also put a giant poppy on its press play to honour the fallen, our boys, our soldiers, our troops. Anyway, I get this email today from petitionsatparliament.uk, which is the official, like, you know, they're the ones who decide what decides what shit goes down.

Here's what we say. They say, Dear Hussain Kizvani, we rejected the petition that you created, replace the statue of Winston Churchill in Parliament Square with an Evangelion. It's offensive, nonsense, a joke or an advert. We're not quite sure about the latter. We think that you're probably joking. That's like, tag yourselves I'm an advert. I am not joking. It's you that's joking. In any case, the UK government and parliament aren't responsible for the statues in Parliament Square. So I'm not sure whether they're angry, I'm not sure whether they're angry, but I sent it to the wrong department in a very kind of British civil service like way, or they're genuinely just angry with this proposition.

But anyway, as far as we know, the legal channels in which we can see the response you got was, this is a Wendy's. Well, Wendy's has no power over the statue. Wimpy Burger can't decide what statues are in Parliament Square. We've said this many times. We still need to do a podcast live from the Wimpy Burger. So as far as you know, the legal channels to replace the Winston Churchill statue with an Evangelion are now blocked and we will have to form a rogue pressure group in order to achieve this goal, which is free speech. Direct action. I mean, we're just going to blockade the place like Extinction Rebellion. Oh my God, do you think that the Wimpy Burger on

Whatney Market would let us do a live show there and like everyone who comes gets a Wimpy Burger? I think they absolutely would. I think they absolutely would. It's not them. There's a big Wimpy in Woolwich, which is where I live. And I will ask them whether we could do a live show from that. See, I was just excited that we're going to form the provisional weeaboos and just start fucking begin a campaign of terror until they acknowledge our request. But you know what? Maybe not. Maybe we'll just have to build an Evangelion in Wimpy Burger. Do not make me put on my dungarees. You will not like me when I put on my dungarees. The next step is to build the Evangelion statue in Whatney Market.

Right. So that's where we have to go. Just immediately splitting and denouncing that as incrementalism. I'm the real weeaboos and you're just like the provisional weeaboos. And that's how he got into the UwU wars. You're the Japanese Maoist faction who murdered the majority of their own faction because they weren't revolutionary enough. Well, hello and welcome to this another Riley Free edition of Trash Future. It's that same great Trash Future taste, but zero percent Riley calorie free sugar free. Just on the sugar tax, but for podcasters.

I mean, there was definitely, there was definitely like a lot of people definitely noticed that Riley wasn't around when the last show that we did. Well, also, I think it's important that I wasn't there either because I ran the one episode that hadn't had Riley on it before, but we like researched it, we did the notes, everything like that. And instead, you guys just do the cats are away and the fucking mice were just in here recording a podcast. Exactly. Doing their little mice shit running around, not even sure whether it was recording. I mean, we receive hundreds of letters every week that they're like,

I love Trash Future and I love Riley, but the trouble is that, you know, all of the horniness and Canadian wine stuff, it's bad for my arteries. I can't have it anymore. My wife says so. So this is basically the Jamie, the post Jamie Oliver version of Trash Future. We've taken out all the salt, replaced the sugar with his artificial sweetener. It's, it's not good. No one pretends to like it, but it's all you can fucking get. You will be able to like hear the podcast for several minutes after it finishes. So Trash Future without you and Riley is like Diet Coke, right? In the sense of Diet Coke sucks, it tastes like nothing. It's literally just like weird fizzy water, but...

You've become accustomed to it to the point where you think you like it. Hussain is now the advert portion of the podcast. We're all just addicted to it. Like it's more just like it's shit, but I need it to survive. And I feel like that's what Riley Free Trash Future is. So then what is Riley Free, but with Nate Trash Future? Crystal Pepsi. Yeah. As the one person in this room who's probably actually had crystal Pepsi,

why would you impugn me like that? Crystal Pepsi looks... Wouldn't you have had crystal meth? Crystal... Well, no, I didn't live in the Midwest during the very brief period of crystal Pepsi being around. I lived in fucking New Mexico. So I mean, crystal meth would be an upgrade. I don't even know. I think people were just licking frogs to get high when I was a kid. I just like the concept of crystal Pepsi, the amount of chemicals that was put in

that brew just to make it clear for like no reason whatsoever. But it's the one good Trump tweet. It's the Coke and Diet Coke wants to criticize me. That's okay. I'll keep drinking that garbage. That is man's condition under late capitalism and I kind of cherish it. That's what we like to see. Yeah. So anyway, I was asked up top by our glorious leader, the Canadian of whom we do not speak, to do some plugs. That's right, bitches. We're doing plugs up top now.

You can't skip the plugs because otherwise you might miss some content. So first of all, Trash Future Live at the Fringe on the 10th of August. There are tickets on sale for that. Please buy them. Please come to the show. Come join us. We've already sold quite a few. Why not buy them before they run out? Also, I'm very pleased to announce, we've sort of announced this on Twitter, but I don't think we've actually announced it on the podcast, that we're doing a live Trash Future at the World Transformed in Brighton in September,

which is like circa the 25th of September. I'm not sure exactly what day it is that we're on. But yeah, so look out for that shit. Also, we're still selling Trash Future t-shirts. We've got about like 40, 35 of them left. So if you would like a really cool Trash Future, what if your phone was the cops t-shirt? Send an email to trashfuturepodcast.com with your size,

whether or not your Patreon subscriber and your address, and we will hook you up. You also critically forgot that before the Fringe, there's actually a show in Birmingham on the 8th of August. So the links will be in the description. You'll see a link to purchase tickets for that, as well as the Fringe tickets, as well as where you can purchase tickets for the World Transformed festival itself. So just look at the show notes.

Don't ignore them. You swine. Buy tickets. Please come see us. Ignore them. You try to dom them into buying the t-shirts. You hogs. Why the fucking tickets?

You hogs. You know you want the tickets, you hogs. See, you consume your swill and be glad of it. I just recall. I just remember Milo at one of our live shows where people kind of groomed at one of his jokes. Either it was too offensive or it was too, it was too dad joke. It was too real.

It was too real, exactly. And his response was like, Oh, don't even act like you don't like it. You hogs. In that moment, I was like, yes, I'm in the right company. Milo will dom our audience. I just, I just love the idea of trying to sell a t-shirt in an exclusively audio medium.

So we'll just kind of describe it to you. Oh, like an M&S adverb on the radio. Oh, also one more plug. This very week on Thursday, the 18th of July, I'm doing a preview of my number show. It's the second to last preview that I'll be doing. It's at the Star of Kings and Chloe Pets is supporting me, who's very cool as well.

So please come and see that because I really need people to see it. Because otherwise, if you don't see it, I won't know if it's funny or not. Good. Great. Okay. Guys, are we ready to start the Goddamn podcast? Yeah.

I mean, hey, you know what? Normally it takes me at least 10 minutes to get out of bed in the morning. So why not take 10 in true dad form? Also apply that rule to everything else in my life. I think Riley just went away to like spy us because now I have to see how annoying it is actually driving the podcast because backseat driving it is so much more fun. Like just constantly doing a force of chaos is so much more enjoyable.

You actually have to do the segues now, which is that's your divine punishment. And the interruptions annoy you. Yeah. I have to see like, gee, gee guys, wouldn't it be great if we discuss this content? Oh boy. Have any of you heard about Canadian wine?

I heard there are some micro climates in and around the Lake Niagara region that produce exceptional white grapes. Yeah. And there's very, there's very good, like a short single engine plane flights between Toronto and that region. And that's a real trashy to deep cut right there. That is not a Jeffrey Epstein flight. Okay.

So I have got for us in very radical style a startup. Love a startup. I know the startup is called five through. Does anyone want to have a guess at what that is? So it's a drive through, but in some way that makes it more tech. Oh, I know what it is. I remember you talking about it. So I will not spoil it.

It'll just be you. Damn. Alison Hussain figure. Wait, what's it called? Alice, you're extremely close. It is, it is a drive through. What's it called? Five through.

Oh, so it's a drive through, but five guys can go through it. It's a very business focused drive through. Okay. I'll give you, I'll give you the first, the first quote. Five throughs enhanced AI technology gives blank, but you've already guessed drive throughs. A new way to leverage technology that uniquely profiles blank. Do they say technology and technology twice in one sentence?

Yep. You love to see it. So it's like, it's an immigration detention Yes, that's what I was thinking. Because that one profiles is a little bit too aggressive. Just a drone, just targeting you and your front trap supreme. Yeah. It's a prison, but like the entrance of it looks like an in and out.

Yeah. It's just in. Sadly, the blank there is customers, but it could still be racially profiling the customers. Let's redone. I mean, yeah, that is, that is what people be doing, right? Um, okay. So, so basically it's a, it's a drive through that they have facial recognition

and they determine what race you are and then they make a racial stereotype based on what they think you're going to order. It assigns you a particular spectator article to read. Drive through food, but racistically somehow. So first, a camera at the drive through scans the driver's license plate to initiate a customer profile. Second, a screen inside the establishment pops up a profile of the customer showing past blank.

Oh, I assume past orders, right? Yeah. Yeah. And then if you, I was hoping you were going to guess something like sexual indiscretion. Well, I'm just still stuck on this like coercive state thing where I have to imagine that if you've ever ordered anything, hello, you just get rooted into the dissension.

You gotta be taken aside for a routine cavity search. Well, I mean, but is it a way if it's going to suggest stuff based on your past orders? It seems like another opportunity for them to dom you in some capacity. You should be like, why don't you have another Big Mac? You fucking slob. It's like, but, but, but maybe today. You love it, you hawks.

You maybe today. I want to, I want to turn over a new leaf and order a salad instead. It's just like, no, I can't even make a joke. It just laughs at you. Yeah. No, it's just, it's just, it, it believes in, in total nominative determinism. It's like, nope, you're going to eat that fucking Big Mac. We know you have no power over your life.

Oh, you become, you become our, our tampon correspondent, Kirstie Hall. So this is a brief digression, but this week I just got, I got a promoted ad on Twitter for the new BMW X7, which is hilarious because I have like no money. And that is like the most expensive car they make. And then, and it was like, take a tour of the new BMW X7 with our product genius, Steve Smart. And I'm like, am I the only person who thinks this is the dumbest shit I've ever heard? And then I, I tweeted it and then someone replied to me and was like, I saw this sponsored ad earlier and I raised you.

And it was like, um, this new video on how to use a tampon without correspondent Kirstie Hall. That's the kind of weird end of Twitter where you start blocking every promoted tweet and you just get the really strange ones. They're like the wish.com promoted tweets. Yeah. Or like the foreign ministry. Do you need this more medieval torture equipment for your toenails? If you, if you block big brands, especially if you go to not metropolitan areas,

you start to get some really weird promoted tweets. Like, I remember I blocked some big brands. One of my mom's in New York. I went to Hawaii and a guy was, was paying to promote his own tweets that were sort of like. Oh, that's the good one. Along the lines of like ecological, like ecological concern. But the best way I could describe them is like, imagine if you got, if you got too stoned to fucking remember your name and tried to write Jamiroquai lyrics.

That's what this guy was doing. These were the tweets he was paying to promote. And I was just like, uh, why would you do that? Promoting, promoting your own tweets is just the way to express the same sentiments that you used to have to shout into traffic. I was going to say, like, paying to promote your own tweets, but the tweets that you're promoting are related to how you're not getting a fair shake in family court.

Now that is something. We should promote tweets about the Evangelion. We should. I mean, that would be kind of, actually, wouldn't that be kind of an own? Think about this. What if when you inevitably discover when someone is a detractor online, someone who doesn't have good taste in podcasts and they,

they have some dumb joke about, you know, or something along those lines, like they want to, they want to complain about trash, or any other podcast you like. Imagine if, I mean, I guess this isn't really an own because you have to spend money, but imagine if you found their most like divorce dad energy tweet and then paid to promote that. That's a power move. They found out the next day that like, you know, all of a sudden a hundred thousand people had been like,

why won't Sheila let me get the kids? Like they, they, they wouldn't see it. That'd be so amazing. Can you promote someone else's tweet without them knowing about it though? I don't know. That's the thing. You probably could if you cutied it. Oh, good point.

You just cutied it. So like, so like the next development, you, you can quote Tete from this tweet, but the next development from, from that is quote tweeting someone else's tweet and then adding a copyright restriction onto that quote tweet. So then their tweet becomes yours. You know what we should do? We should do a Patreon stretch goal for if we get such and such amount of money.

Sucking our own dick. No, we will, we will pay to buy a promoted tweet of the trash future account, just quoting James Dellingpool, still undeleted pictures of dogs having sex tweets, just going, lol. That would be amazing. We promote it to like a BBC, the one show level of audience. 1.5 million. You just use, use like a postcode geotargeting and have it only display on Twitter users,

like within the Westminster region. Just very targeted cyber bullying. That's my new startup. Yeah. That's my favorite kind of laser targeted cyber bullying. It's the sword drone, but for cyber bullying. It's like, well, I mean, we got to spend the Patreon money on something. So I mean, well, why don't we, we bought all the mics.

You can hear the improvements in the microphones. Now we have to make sure that every fucking sad faced social media user or worse, professional social media person working in Westminster has to read about pictures of dogs having sex. What a lot of people don't know is that actually Patreon imposes a Brewster's millions type clause on everyone who receives money. Like, well, you have to spend it all in 24 hours. We've bought ridiculous things.

How do you think we got an Elon Musk stand? Cases and cases of Canadian wine. We have to pretend we like it. God damn it. Okay. I'm going to read some more lines from this. 3rd payments can be blank to accelerate service. I would assume automatic.

Yeah. I'm at the point where I recognize, I haven't read all of it. Like I remember you describing it to me. So at this point, I'm not spoiling it. Like I'm guessing you can set it up. So like you have like a favorite order and like it orders it for you based on your, it recognizing your license plate in the drive. And you can pay using your license plate.

This is there. And of course, no one will use this technology for anything bad. It won't happen when we can do this at the porn drive through. I think it exists. I'm sure. Yeah. Like part of me laughs at the guy, the other part of me is like, no, I mean, I'm from America.

I'm sure there's a porn drive through. If you can think of it, there is Las Vegas of it. That's the rule. So additional offers are made to customers at different points in a sale. Suggestions are made at the customer greeting or after an order is placed. By increasing the relevance of suggestions to fit customers buying choices over time, five through boosts the upsell opportunity, creating high ticket conversions. So they're basically using it so that McDonald's can like,

it's suggested a more expensive meal to you. Have you considered the gold leaf, Big Mac? Yeah, I'm so old. I remember that this was done by a human and it was the joke about like McDonald's employees that you just kind of dead. I said, would you like fries with that? Like, would you like a lard? Would you like to supersize that?

And now we've just done the exact same shitty thing. But also for some reason, it knows all of the food you've ever eaten and all of your bank details. So we now have the new Chinese dick sucking machine. So would you like to make that a happy ending meal? So then I pulled this quite out of a vice article about it, because it was like particularly cursed. Five through hasn't named any names, but in an interview with Wired,

McDonald's CEO Steve Easterbrook mentioned LPR as a way that I think means license plate recognition as a way that his restaurants could identify regulars and make personalized recommendations for them. He says, if customers are willing to identify themselves, we can be even more useful to them because now we call up their favorites. He said, I think over time, it's going to be important to demonstrate that we can offer value back for customers willing to open themselves up to us. It's like fucking psychology.

Also, isn't the McDonald's menu like 20 different things, tops? But how much of a, like, how much of an advantage are you guessing knowing precisely what kind of fucking burger you want? Except as we discovered when you go to Slovenia where they have like weird cursed items, like the, like the cheesy Jane. Are you sure that this wasn't one of the kind of fake brands that they do in China, like the fake Apple store? I mean, I would say I went to, we used a McDonald's kiosk in France in the train

station and it seemed like there was an alarmingly large amount of options available. So, I mean, some of those things were just like, the burger do racism, whatever, you know, like, yeah, just every order just comes with a black face. You know what they call a quarter pounder with cheese in France? A racism with cheese, that's right. Yeah, it's like, you know, just like British things will have like, you know, this meat is never, or American fast food places or like up market burgers places will be like,

our meat is never treated with hormones. Our vegetables are never treated with GMOs or whatever the fuck. I can imagine a French version of that, a French version of that being like, our meat is never a law. It's absolutely not wrong. These burgers are made of fucking snakes. An elderly French man spits in every burger. Yeah, exactly.

They have a rabbi blessing all the food. Well, so yeah, I guess license plate recognition. I guess the thing for me that freaks me out about this stuff, beyond the fact, is it, there's a certain kind of, you might describe, not quite like uncanny valley, but there's like the obvious weird sensation of how creepy this is and like, how intrusive this is. And I feel as though this becoming normalized for something as banal as drive-through orders is a way in which it will then become normal in other things in the world.

Like, and that, I just feel on top of the extent to which it's like, okay, dumb brands are going to know what you want before you even know it. Like, it just seems as though that's, that's, it opens up, it kind of gets you accustomed to the concept of everywhere you go. You're constantly being assessed. And it's like, it's like, having to steal a car to go to the porn drive-through to keep anonymous. And I show up and I'm horrified by what comes up on the screen and I'm like,

damn, I really need to stop stealing cars in the San Francisco Bay area. Damn, you Jeffrey. I mean, or maybe you could just, to make it easy, like you could just get custom license plates that just indicate what it is that you're, you know, you're going to use them most often for it. It's like, you can just, if you have a license plate, this is hot and horny 69, you know, for a fact that it's going to go to the porn store and you've got an order already on tap. Like there's no reason for you to have to get some random combination of letters and numbers. That's the Elon Musk approach is just having a fleet of Tesla's each with a separate number plate

for like whatever you want to order that day. Well, you know, in California, the heart emoji is an allowable number plate character. So you can, in California, you can legitimately get a number plate that's just eight hearts. But have you seen that one piece that was like the reasons why California DMV rejected Tesla's plates? That's so good. My favorite is when people make up, you know, like really dumb semi like fake personal stories about why this completely obvious, like rude thing. Yeah, I was actually born in 1969 and yeah, on the 42nd of the 0th month,

and that's why my number plate should be 69 for 20. Well, my brother dared me to eat a cardboard box when we were seven and he died. It feels really bad. Like I just to remember him and honor his memory. That's why I need box eater as my license plate. I mean, like you joke, but my ex-girlfriend's brother who lives in California, who's very tall literally on his Toyota Prius station wagon had the number plate six foot seven guy. He's just like 22. No irony. Zero irony.

This is the largest automobile I've ever seen before. You know, literally the reason why he has a Prius station wagon is because he doesn't fit in the regular Prius because he's not tall enough. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. So I mean, that's basically my take is that like this stuff is dumb, but this plus the fact that, you know, you see some talk of states adopting digital license plates and all the things that that opens up. Like it just freaks me out because once, if this becomes something that people are comfortable

with, like it obviously gets weird and weird as time goes on. Well, Riley not being here allows me to like pick my usual one of the things that he explains and misuse the term completely while he's screaming at the screen. So is this market Stalinism where you're kind of watched over by the McDonald's thing? I, you know, I mean, I think that market Stalinism, as far as I understand it, is more to do with the extent to which you have no choice and no agency. And that supposedly- Well, this is that like it will profile you your food, right?

Like I guess if you want to talk about the sort of like the surveillance state, like the worst excesses of the communist surveillance state as it exists, both in real life and as it existed in the imaginations of really angry people in the West, becoming real, but it's McDonald's that's spying on you, figuring out that actually you might be driving a different way home today, but deep down you really want a big and tasty. Like maybe that's market Stalinism, maybe it's not, but it certainly sounds insane. Yeah. And the only question is, is that the kind of big and tasty you can get at McDonald's

or the kind you can get at the pool and store? Well, today I'm driving my discrete black like Lexus SUV that has hot and horny 69 on it. So obviously I'm going to the one place that recognizes that license plate. My discrete black plane. Just kind of accidentally getting a Big Mac at the porn store. Just a dude named Big Mac. You're too fat to masturbate. Fuck's sake, motherfucker.

There has been though some more, some yet more cursed technology news this week. As Matt Hancock, please, our special boy, the health secretary himself, the most innovative boy to have ever lived. He wants you to access healthcare through drumroll please, Amazon Alexa. He's just, he's doomed to try his absolute best, but only through the medium of ideas that a six year old would have. He just loves Amazon Prime. He loves the idea that he can click one button and like something will just show up at his

house for the next day. He's like that eight year old that goes like, I wish Alexa was my mom. He never says no. I'm just, we said it's on your way. I'm just haunted by the vision of like me having a heart attack and like clutching at my chest, clawing at the floor and being like Alexa, play Despacito. I was going to say it's like Alexa call the doctor. It's like somehow manages to mangle that and determine that you want to hear happy by Pharrell.

It's like, well, I mean, I am happy that I'm, I'm going to achieve the sweet release of death, but I would prefer to have a doctor. No, it just starts calling you doctor, like Siri. Oh yeah. Alexa, Alexa call 911. Here are some 911 documentaries. Did you know that a bunch of people got emails telling them not to come to work that day? Alexa.

I might be dying, but my final, my final wish is to know indisputably that Bush did 911. Alexa starts giving you anti-submitted conspiracy as you lay dying on your kitchen floor. Well, anyway, so I've pulled this from a BBC article about it. People will be able to get expert health advice using Amazon Alexa devices under a partnership with the NHS. The government has announced from this week, the voice assisted technology is automatically searching the official NHS website when UK users ask for health related advice. Amazing. The government in England said it could reduce demand on the NHS.

Privacy campaigners. It loses the NHS, but will somehow reduce demand on the NHS. Privacy campaigners have raised data protection concerns, but Amazon say all information will be kept confidential. Oh, we love to do that. We love to keep all information confidential. Famously a thing that they're good at protecting. Yeah.

I for one will certainly be trusting the company that puts its workers in cages. In just being able to like work at Amazon and get health advice for the ways in which Amazon is currently crippling you. Look, our workers are never going to tell anyone about your embarrassing medical history. They're not allowed to leave the building. Alexa, what are the effects of having to piss in a bottle for days on end? And she just plays Despacita. She's just trying to ignore that question.

I do find it to be one of those just like, the idea that that's all that's plaguing the NHS. That's the only problem is that you can't use a fucking Alexa or a Google Home or some shit. That's it. As though A&E is just full of people who aren't actually ill. They're just people who were like trying to play Despacita. They couldn't work out. It's like, I hate it when I break my arm, but I have to wait in line in A&E because

everyone in there isn't able to get WebMD to come up on their phone. And so they get to ask the question in person. It's the only place it's open. Well, like also the fury that doctors have of anyone googling anything. I wonder how much worse that's going to be when it's Alexa. Yeah. If you're just like, well, I think I have this and they have to do the whole, well, actually I went to school for seven years for this fucking thing.

You peasants. You don't know anything. I'll have you know that I can tell you in exact medical detail what happens when you're not, and she keeps sucking. Well, it seems as if you have. The medical term for it is whack. Yeah. Have come and pissed and shitted and farted all at the same time.

That's the last thing you learn at medical school. Once you're powerful enough. And now they're just giving that information away to anyone who can use Alexa. It's scandalous. You're just walking into A&E just to ask the doctors, but what does happen when the astronauts fart and piss and shit their pants? It's like, well, I'm glad you asked me, son, rather than googling it.

There's a lot of misinformation out there. Just drawing the resources of the NHS down with dumbass medical questions. Alexa, why am I so good at sex? So, I mean, I'm interested then because you guys have obviously had lifetime's worth of experiences with the NHS. I've only had about a year's worth since I've been here almost a year now. But my biggest complaint so far with the NHS, I mean, I think my treatment, the stuff I've received has been more or less fine.

The biggest complaint I have is that you basically don't really know what's going on until something changes in your case. Like, if you need something, you get a consultation, you might get a text, you might get a letter in the mail. If you need to ask the question, people don't necessarily volunteer information. It's hard to get an answer. Because you haven't got an Amazon Alexa, they've not been telling me. The problem is less to do with.

It's not that they need a sweet-ass device that can play Desposito at any moment. It's more that it seems that the systems aren't talking to one another or that people are just, they can't manage all the information and all the different patients that go to the people. They all got siloed off into separate different trusts and specializations and various PFI schemes. My upcoming getting your dick cut off surgery, for instance, is funded by NHS Scotland, but it's all done through a private healthcare provider. Looking at that stuff, I keep thinking to myself, it's weird to me the extent to which people seem to believe that the solution is just an app that will somehow fix all the problems when

the problems, in my opinion, from what I've seen so far are, like you said, Alice, they're siloed off, they're cut off from one another, and it just seems like there's nowhere near enough people and no one is particularly well paid. And as such, it kind of reminds me of the Department of Veterans Affairs. The quality of care you get is fine, but there are a lot of things that make the process more frustrating. And if they weren't having their budgets constantly fucked with by morons like Matt Hancock, this probably wouldn't be happening. Damn, it do be like that sometimes. I don't know, we couldn't possibly say it could be.

The causality is so opaque. I mean, sure, there's been chronic underinvestment in the NHS and during that time, the outcomes have gotten worse, but is that linked? I don't know, maybe we just need an app or something. Maybe you need an Alexa that can do different voices. Exactly. Maybe we just need to play everyone Despacito in every Nanny in the country. It's like that one business thing of like the guy who wakes up every morning and shines like a bright light into his eyes to become more business or whatever. Just every morning, you just get woken up by a mandatory blast of Despacito. So it says, under the partnership, Amazon's algorithm uses information from the NHS website

to provide answers to questions such as, how do I treat a migraine and what are the symptoms of chickenpox or do I have the Moorish consumption? Health Secretary Matt Hancock said it was right for the NHS to quote and quote, embrace technology in this way, predicting it would reduce pressure on our hardworking GPs and pharmacists. Damn, well, we can't argue with that, can we? He said, we want to empower every patient to take better control of their health care. Yes, by not seeking out medical help. I feel so in control of my health care when I'm waiting on a trolley that's had its wheels taken off. Exactly, because then it's no longer a trolley. Well, and also, it's just that thing

where it's like, you know, give a man a doctor and he'll be well for a day, but teach a man to perform surgery on himself and then you can make some efficiency savings. Yeah, just giving this big pair of scissors. There is actually genuinely like this subreddit of men who are trying to actually teach themselves how to do medicine by downloading loads of ebooks online about how to do medicine. Jordan P is in 12 rules for life, being the basic one. Well, the idea of being, obviously, this is a symptom of like, well, health care is super like too expensive. So if I can kind of perform medicine on myself and maybe I'll be cheap. I'll tell you something that's horrendous, that actually kind of ties this stuff together

because Amazon is related. But I have seen reviews of antibiotic pill or antibiotic additives used for aquariums and fish care. Oh, yeah. People will write reviews on Amazon in kind of like a wink, wink, nudge, nudge way that you can take this when you can't afford antibiotics or can't afford to go to the doctor as like a human. It's like my scare quotes fish no longer have their sinus infections after taking this medicine, which I definitely didn't take. Like it's all basically meant to spell out that if you're broke and can't afford to go to a doctor and have an infection, you can order fish antibiotics off Amazon and take them and they'll work. And I have my Alexa play Despacito. It's like my gills are healthy. There's no sign of infection.

Although I do now have gills, which is weird, but whatever. You just come home and find your husband like floating sideways. Is this an Alfonso Cuarón movie? I mean, Britain 2032, I've been taking the fish antibiotics for days and I now have gills. So I guess I'm trans now. This is just in his mouth though. People showing up to the mermaid's charity being like, I'm a fucking fish now. You're supposed to help me, right? The announcement drew criticism from Civil Liberty Group and just brace yourselves for the name Big Brother Watch. Not an organization, sadly founded by Brandon O'Neill. Director, another great name here, Silky Carlo.

I didn't even notice this when I was putting the notes together. Silky Carlo, like a like a minor character from fucking Scarface. Hey, that was my friend Silky. We got the guy running the criminal ring at the end of an episode of Hawaii 5.0, Silky Carlo. That makes my fake East London gangster, wide reginald, sat normal by comparison. What sucks is like, this is presumably a perfectly decent and hardworking anti-privacy activist. Well, pro-privacy activists and we're just dunking on their names.

I know, but dude, get a better name. Dude or woman? I don't know. The name like Silky Carlo, we cannot say. But anyway, what Silky Carlo said was, any public money spent on this awful plan rather than frontline services would be a breathtaking waste. Healthcare is made inaccessible when trust and privacy is stripped away, and that's what this terrible plan would do. It's a data protection disaster waiting to happen. Yes, but their name was dumb. So, you know, who can say if it's good or not? Who can say if we're better than that? But would we like to hear what Amazon said in response?

Please. Amazon told the Times that it did not share information with third parties, nor does it build a profile on customers. Well, that's settled. Yeah, I mean, I can't go wrong. I can't see any potential problem with that. It's just like putting in your passport number in order to watch porn. I just can't see that information being used against us. Just for verification purposes. Yeah, and that way it can serve you the porn that you like faster and it can upsell you.

Exactly. You can be watching porn and someone would be like, hey, do you want fries with that? Yeah, would you like to supersize this deck? Have you considered certain more niche genres or expensive genres? And then I just pulled this line out of the article because it just sounded extremely like, anyway, the government has set up a unit, NHSX, to boost the use of digital technologies in the health service. Thank you. Very cool. What is the X supposed to stand for? The X games. Flipping over the NHS.

NHS Xtreme. Yeah, I mean, the NHS unleashed. It's the NHS, but all the branding's in the monster font. This would, ironically, be better like that. It's like that group Liberty in the early 2000s. You had to change their name to Liberty X because they discovered there was another group called Liberty who were like suing them for the name. Was it the civil rights group Liberty was suing a girl band? I don't know, maybe.

There was famously, there was the band X from Los Angeles that were like a punk band from the early 80s. And then there also was like a goth metal, glam metal band from Japan called X. And so in order to be released in America, they had to change their name in America to X Japan. And it's like, just in case you got the fucking next up, the artist formerly known as Japan. Anyway, so that's Matt Hancock's extremely powerful brain idea about how we can all say, hey, Alexa, why is my dick dripping? Yeah, he's got such a beautiful brain. He's just looking at things around him and thinking, what if the NHS was on that?

Exactly. He's like a light side of the Force black mirror where he's just being like, what if that though? What if your mum was a phone? Would that help somehow? What if the phone was the cops? That would make things really good for policing. And hear me out on this. What if the cops were a phone? I have a question. What's the funniest cabinet role that Matt Hancock could get? Because I don't think he's peaked with health. I think a Matt Hancock secretary of defense, yes, would just be outstanding. What if your mum was the nuclear deterrent?

What if your nuclear deterrent worked on Alexa? Alexa, please nuke Yemen. I was going to say, when you get down to it, Trident is a great way to learn about your body. Indeed. And it's failings, it's weaknesses, it's susceptibility to radiation poisoning. You know what? In the long run, that'll make people stronger because the ones who survive the real-life version of the horrible 1983 movie Threads, in which Britain becomes a nightmare feudal fucking hell world.

Which will bite in fresh fucking clothes. Just a black-pilled Hancock. I like this. But that would be an incredible energy, though, because he's so positive, relentlessly positive. So, Matt Hancock getting black-pilled would be, like, it would just be a completely different personality. He's the kind of guy who probably would get red-pilled by accident. Gosh, what if these mutant raiders were an app? These Stacey's and Chad's, they don't seem very nice.

I can just imagine him at home, like, he's probably one of the only few guys who still has like a home computer that everyone uses. And he's like telling his wife, like, and this is how I imagine him saying, Wife, Wife, did you not, you know, I just found out this amazing fact. Would you like to know this amazing fact? And then Matt Hancock's like exhausted wife is like, yes, Matt, yeah, or, and the Elector would be like, yes, Matt, I would love to hear this amazing fact. And Matt Hancock would go, did you know that on the day of 9-11,

there were certain people that didn't receive you? Amazing, isn't it? So interesting. The amazing family of his wife and the Alexa that agrees with everything he says. Oh boy. I'm sure you love my wife and Alexa. Maybe this feminism thing really isn't that good of an idea. I just saw this very compelling video by a young man named, checks notes, Sargon of Akkad. I love the idea of Matt Hancock reading incel memes, but he prints them out on like a bubble jet printer and has them on paper.

Just like a binder full of memes. Yeah. He just, he doesn't feel comfortable reading on a screen. So instead he just wants to have a paper copy of them. And it's just like, you know, the version chat versus whatever, the version versus chat, et cetera. I don't even know the fucking memes anymore. Like this stuff has become such a dumb joke to the point where it's like, I only get it in reference to like the ironic revision.

I don't even know what it comes from. I have another trans story because I went for this surgical consultation. This is the only thing I'm talking about now. But they cut it at a binder full of photos of purses of like the results. No, where could I get an appointment? Literally, it felt like a shitpost. That was the energy in the room was very serious nurses, very quite sturdily flipping through these laminated pages.

Why were they making you flip through the book? Was it like pick the one you want, pick the model you want? Were they like upgrades you could pay for like to get like, you know, the pepper hot pussy or like that? It's just, I guess, because they think you don't know what it looks like. And they're like, yeah, this is the thing that you're going to have. And be like, oh, I like this one, but can I get a spoiler on it? Yeah, just an aftermarket pussy.

Hi, I'm Jenna Tidass and all you T girls out there should totally get my pussy. Well, like actually this, they said that this surgeon was famous for his quote, neat and tidy vaginas. So, you know, that's something to look forward to. And I will keep the podcast updated, obviously. Wow, neat. On the tightness of your pussy. Yes, just asking Alexa about the tightness of surgically constructed vaginas.

Yeah, we love it. We do love it indeed. I mean, I feel, I do feel like in a way, the awkwardness of the discussions that are obviously required around how one goes about gender reassignment surgery, there might be a cohort of doctors in Britain who would be really into the idea of an app that could answer those questions so they don't have to get hot under the collar. But then again, there also might be a rival faction of people who make the binders full

of pussies and they're like, no, you will not create an app. We will fucking throw our shoes in the machine and jam it up. We will put what Mitt Romney was talking about. He was just running a transition clinic. Well, I have to say, Alice, you have my total respect because I think I would genuinely, there's definitely like a number of historical wars I would rather fight in than have my penis reconstructed into a vagina. Yeah, no, it's going to be an experience, but I wanted to share that detail of the binder

full of pussies with everyone. Exactly. I'm just glad to know there's one that exists. Does it have like a lot, like a, like an old fashioned library checkout card in the back of it? You just stand full of fucking dates because everyone was checking it out. One was in black and white and I don't know if they just use that as the aesthetic code. Artisan hips to pussy. I'm going to try and see if they'll put a filter on mine. Like, yeah.

I need my vagina to be as shot by Henri Cartier-Bresson. Underneath is written, sessiness, pa, un, vagine. God damn it. It's just Henri Matisse turf. There's like a Picasso vagina that's all fucked up. That surgeon's not so good, but you know, some people say after his death, those pussies will be worth a lot. So if you view your pussy as an investment, Jesus Christ.

Well, this is a very normal episode that we're going on. Yeah. Just, just, just just turned into its own segment and Riley- People phoning you up like, yo, I want to hit that Picasso pussy. Anyway, so we're 45 minutes in by this. We've actually hit the main content. Very good. I'm not apologizing. No, this is trans positivity.

Transfuture, baby. Yeah. Um, so, um, this is a headline from the New York Times, which I believe we've already seen, but let's pretend we haven't. As fresh water grows scarcer, it could become a good investment. Great. Yeah. Love investing. We love to see it.

I love how the apocalypse is actually going to make us all richer. Yeah. We're going to be incredibly like, we're going to be sun bleached skeletons, but we're going to be in the VIP section. And that's how they're going to know they're going to unearth. Future archaeologists are going to unearth us in the VIP box. Yeah. Also, you know how articles like this, they kind of range from like, um,

deeply evil to just like deeply stupid. This one definitely falls into the deeply stupid category. Um, uh, feast, feast your ears upon this quote. Water is easy to take for granted. It falls from the sky. Though it's vital, we sometimes treat it as if it's worth living. I don't know, but it could be. Um, yet the prospect of shortages in the years ahead could make water a precious commodity.

This represents an opportunity for investors. How do you write that paragraph and then that sentence and not kill yourself? Just, yeah, I mean, well, just wait for what's coming up next. Water's guest is a global phenomenon, said Andreas M. Fruschke. No. Portfolio manager of the Allianz GI Global Water Fund. And it's most pronounced in regions with the highest population growth, like the Indian subcontinent and the Middle East.

No. The reason why there's water scarcity in the Middle East isn't because of population growth, it's because it's a fucking desert. Yeah. And like one that is becoming more of a desert every day, thanks to us. Incredible. Um, we love it. Yeah, we love it, but they're just going to drive the Lamborghinis faster until

climate change goes away. Population growth, climate change and pollution are disrupting the world's freshwater supplies. The United Nations Environment Program has predicted that half the globe's population could face severe water stress by 2030. Oh, we're all going to be dead by then. That's fine. Like, I'm not worried about this now.

2030. Yeah. You're just, you're, all you want is 10 good years of using your purse. Yes. And then you'll check out. This but unironically. Yeah. Um, a quirk of this sector is that though

water is a commodity, it can't be bought directly in the way that many other commodities can be. It's not a tradable good like oil, Mr. Frischke said. So we're trying to securitize water. Oh yeah. And I love that then they're coming down on the side of like, but why isn't it? Australia has a water market called waterfines. Australia famously functional country.

An extremely normal country where they call a hot dog a sausage and bread. Um, but in the United States, betting on the price of water requires buying land that has water rights associated with it. Harvard University's Endowment, for example, has bought up California vineyards and thus acquired control of their water rights. That's normal for a university's own vineyards, isn't it? Like across the country. Harvard just being big fancy boys, just being like, well, we like this wine.

Just as a flex. Yeah. They're actually like, all we need is for Riley to have gone to Harvard and they'll be buying up Canadian vineyards. The best vineyards in the world. Um, one way water investments differ from those in some other sectors is their greater exposure to regulatory and political risk. Like guillotines.

Someone guillotined my water table. In the developed world, water supplies are often closely regulated. And in the United States, governments are both big customers and potential competitors. I hate when big government takes my water and distributes it to thirsty people. Damn. People, people be so thirsty online now. Thirsty for my water that I applied, that I acquired fair and square. And the government in the US, like state governments can't even do that a lot of the

time. Like, yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it really depends on where you are in the US because, I mean, a lot of, a lot of water providers are, are privatized in the US. I mean, the infrastructure may or may not be privatized, but the water itself is, you know, furnished to you through a company that like is primarily going to be like a publicly traded company or a private company. Certainly, I'm trying to flash back in New York, what I paid, who I paid for my water bill. And I can't remember, but I do remember that like, you know, it was a fucking guy.

It was a fucking guy. You know, I just gave him like this water fell off the back of a truck. Yeah. You know, you just go down to the water store and you give this guy like a billfold and a bit of an envelope. And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, just apartment 3A. I just need some fucking water.

Barone water. But yeah, I mean, it's, it's so, so I think that the idea of water competition in some kind of, you know, some sort of apartment. A part of my wet t-shirt contest, which is another thing you can do at the transition clinic. Water, like competition in the water market and such, like that does exist in the sense that there are corporations and private providers who, you know, you pay to provide access to water in the sense, but it's, I mean, I don't know if there, if there are hope here is that they want to privatize water completely to the point where like, you know, you, the entirety of the supply,

the infrastructure for its supply is, is going to be privatized. But that's kind of insane. Yeah, they probably don't want to take on those costs. Like it's easier to like make the state do the stuff like, you know, water processing and you just sell the damn thing. But it's amazing to me too, because I swear to God, like there's going to come a time when, when people are going to like, just as we look at the way that things have shifted back from, say, like the 60s and 70s in which in most developed countries, higher education was free.

And it's going to be like, actually, you know, the new, the new fucking sensible centrist consensus is going to be like, well, no, it actually deserves access to clean water. You have to earn it. And it's like the idea that, no, you know, you should just be brand savvy enough to know which water provider is going to be the clean one. Whereas you don't want that cut rate water provider who has, you know, gives you water that's, has a weird brown tint and it's probably have fracking juices in it or the fuck. The dick sucking factory water is for closers.

If you want some water, you better have come in that mouth. That's all I'm saying. Just accidentally drinking water that's out of network and being billed for it. Trying to seriously trying to spit it back out. Damn. Well, I love also that the NYT is basically envisaging a future which is literally idiocracy where like the water is completely deregulated. So it's just mountain dew.

The final paragraph of it is particularly cursed. But water wages create ethical quandaries for some investors said Monica J. Freyman, director for investor engagement, water at Ceres, a Boston nonprofit. Water's needed for life itself, she said. So if you're jacking up rates, that's the level we're on. You're going to run into social justice issues. Do you turn off a poor family's water? Of course you do.

What a stupid fucking question. How on earth would water be a good investment if you weren't going to deny it to poor people? That is literally the natural end point of this entire thing. Do you evict a poor family from their house? Yeah. This is like now in the tone of voice of those piracy adverts like you wouldn't steal a handbag. You wouldn't download a motorcycle. Yeah, I mean I think about this too that you already see access to clean water

denied people or be used as sort of like a aspect of privilege in developing countries or sort of like middle income countries. Because this place is where they have running water for sanitation, but you can't drink it. And the only way you can either, you can drink it and get fucking giardia or whatever, or you can buy water because tap water is not drinkable. You don't really have that problem in most places in America for example, but some places you do now because like in West Virginia there's places where like

the fucking tap water will catch fire because it's got all that good fracking juice in it. Yeah, because your tap water is too epic. It's got too much freedom in it. Yeah, exactly. Elon Musk pays to have West Virginia tap water run out of his tap just to light on fire. The fire service showing up at people's houses and just making the fires fall. They're like, there's nothing in the manual about this Sarge. Yeah, I mean, so it's one of those things where you already see access to clean water.

I mean, look at what happened in Flint, Michigan. So the quick summary version of the whole Flint water crisis is that the state of Michigan facing budget cuts and the city of Flint, which was particularly in debt because of the erosion of its tax base, received an emergency manager who was appointed by the Republican governor. So basically an unelected city manager and they decided one big way they were going to save money on budgeting for the city was instead of taking water from the Detroit River, they would use water from the Flint River, but it was way more polluted and they were like, oh, it's fine. We'll just treat it however you need. But the problem is because of how polluted

this water was, it caused lead from old lead piping in older homes to leech out. And so their cost saving thing they did and that they enforced with zero democracy on a poor community then gave them water that was completely poisonous. And it's like, that's already happening in America. And Flint still doesn't have clean water. It still tests above the normal levels. And remind me, Nate, what race are predominantly the people this is happening to? Yes, because Flint, Michigan is predominantly black and Hispanic. And so... There's some Republican guy at a golf club right now sitting there going like, no, black people can drink lead. It's like a special organ they have.

Yeah, so it's just one of those things where access to water in America is already, clean water, clean drinking water out of the tap is already, the scarcity already is enforced along class and racial lines. And I think the thing about this is this is just seeing the apocalypse as an investment opportunity. But we already have things like this. You have this in countries where tap water is absolutely not drinkable. And then you have it in places in America where if you're poor, or if you live in the rural area, or if you live in a city that is run by horrendous fucking Republican ghouls, you might literally be worsening your health by drinking tap water. As to it being racialized, I'm for one, I'm excited about water rights under land being used

against indigenous people, which it always fucking is everywhere. Because those are areas that have been kept underdeveloped and so are yet to be exploited and also people don't care about the people that live there. So we'll just run a pipeline through there and just completely fuck your drinking water. So that sounds great. Yeah. So I remember, this is so funny. I remember it's fucked up, but I remember there being during one of the probably the worst part of like the California droughts in the last say five years, there were people were talking about some of the water issues and the fact that like, you know, the cities were being put under emergency water restriction. And one of I want to say I read a comment on like the because Los Angeles Times,

if you don't know, has one of the most cursed comment sections of all major American newspapers. It's uniformly insane and reactionary. Because it's basically a newspaper that's now written by Google AdWords, isn't it? It's like not really a proper newspaper anymore. Well, I mean, the LA Times has done, they've clawed back a lot of their autonomy by unionizing, but like they were bought by Tronk, the Tribune, the Chicago Tribunes corporate owner, Tribune online content or Tronk bought the LA Times and just started gutting it like not only just gutting it, but literally ripping out whether they're like mid-century furniture and like installations in their buildings and selling it. Or like in one case, some senior executive was like,

I want that conference table and just stole it. So needless to say they were mismanaged, but the LA Times is LA Times comment section is so unbelievably cursed. And during one of the discussions about like terrible water shortages in California, someone's like, well, you know, there is place it solved all its water problems by using desalination, but it's Israel left ies don't like this. It's like, surely that's the fucking takeaway. It's like desalination, a thing that's totally benign for the environment. And the only reason we don't do it is because the left hates Israel so much. People are so afraid about water shortages when what they should really be afraid of is rope tied to fence. So needless to say, I mean, this is just, this debate has gone

on for a while, but it assumes, I guess the thing that freaks me out about it is that like investors getting interested means that someone somewhere serious enough to fucking have access to investor funds, which may not be a high threshold nowadays, because just dumbasses get fucking investors all the time. Bitcoin guys, they do believe that there's going to be even more money to be made because of water shortages. And that freaks us out and freaks me out. This is really depressing. And I know you're on your commute. So I'm just going to say this in a kind of Billy Ailish style ASMR voice. This is how capitalism is reacting to climate change, finding ways to profit from the apocalypse. A lot of people have already pointed out how

dystopian this is, but it's also self-defeating because if they aim to enclose and sell what dwindling water is left, no one is going to solve the underlying issue of the fact that there won't be any water in the end, and we're all going to die. But on the upside, we will be the richest dead people to have ever lived. But I will have a pussy. So it's all. Hell yeah. Alice is going to have the best pussy of all time. We've all seen it. It's going to be great model out of the fucking binder of a Tesla, a Tesla of pussy. And there is, and there is some good, there's one more piece of good news, which is that I have some dessert for us all. It's a quick reading series from our absolute favorite boy, James Dellingpole. Yes. The title is my daughter's gone to Magaluf and it's

hard not to worry. Oh, this should be normal. Okay. British, British men afraid of their daughters, but also horny for them. He's a boomer. He's a dad. At the Leavers Ball held to mark our daughter's last day at boarding school. There were only two topics of conversation among the anxious parents. How early could we decently slope off without being rebuked by our girls and the dreaded Leavers trip to Magaluf? Hold up. The first paragraph, he's like, I sent this kid to boarding school because I didn't want to see her. And on her Leavers Ball, I'm trying to leave early. But how dare she go to Spain? Yeah. I mean, you know, in Spain, they have all those like swarthy letharios. That's true. Yeah. She could be sold into like white slavery or whatever.

They're interested in getting under the petticoats of young Northern European girls and defiling their innocence. It gets better. Magaluf, Shagaluf, as the kids call it, is the post A level's destination of choice for what seems like every school leaver in the country. If you've seen the in-betweeners movie, which I haven't. Oh my God, you'll know what it's like. That's so topical. Did he write this article like recently? Yeah. I love the idea. This is such a 2009 article. Yeah. He has like a young person, but the young person is actually like 35 years old who sits in the office with him and he's like, tell me something young. And he's like, the in-betweeners movie, good, good. I won't google that.

Right. Because the final in-betweeners movie came out in 2010, right? Something like that. Still technically this decade. Yeah, still technically this decade. So my fear is either that he's only just got around to watching it. Or because like these venues, these places have always been really popular among school leavers, right? And the warnings. But in many ways, Ibiza and Corfu in all these places have kind of gotten a lot safer because of basically Brits who have trashed a place. Yeah. Right. So it's like not even that much of a, it's not really that much of an issue anymore. And I also think that like not a lot of people who are school leavers

are like care that much about going on like a massive... They're just going there to play Fortnite. It's a big Fortnite competition. Well, so just a quick note on the in-betweeners movie, which is I've only ever seen the in-betweeners movie once when I was made to watch it by my girlfriend at the time, who's the only girlfriend I've ever had who to my knowledge has cheated on me, who said, you have to watch it because it's really funny. It was not. Folks, rate it. It was not. It was all right. It was okay. Yeah. Anyway, you'll know what it's like. Charmless, garish avenues of overpriced bars and clubs with pushy greeters, expensive party cruisers,

grotesque drunkenness, epic hangovers, sunburn, STDs and gallons of vomit. Yeah, all things that we don't have in Britain. Absolutely not. I like the idea that... I mean, it wouldn't be gallons of vomit, would it? It's the continent. It would be liters of vomit. Oh, that's true. Anyway, James continues, quite how much Shagaloof lives up to its nickname, I don't know because I've never had sex. And I don't want to know. Yeah, that's right. I went to a different school. I met her on holiday. Perhaps I'd feel differently, brackets, if I'd ever had sex. If boy were going to reverse his son as boy with a capital B. That's... Is that horny? That seems horny to me.

His large adult son. He's probably quite horny. Possibly I'd expect photos of all his conquests. Oh, that's definitely horny. Yeah, expect photos of all his conquests, plus a short blog, including where they were educated in their father's net worth. This is honestly, this is like me doing Brendan O'Neill, but for James Dellingpole. This is what I would write if you were like, what is the dumbest thing James Dellingpole would write? But what is the opposite of an Oedipus complex where you want to be your son and also have sex with your son and also kill your son? You want the movie Gamer, but where Gerard Butler is your son and you're controlling him using a PlayStation controller, but just using him to fuck new

bile chicks in Magaloo who are called things like Tracy. But with daughters, it's different. Oh, don't you know that it's different for girls? The very last thing you want to imagine is buff but brainless lads with waxed bum cheeks, like the ones on Love Island, even so much as making eye contact with that darling piece of virginal beauty and perfection you sigh at 18 years ago. I know, James. It sounds a lot like you've been imagining it. Yeah. Oh, God, that's the sentence. What a sentence. What a sentence. I don't like this. Waxed bum cheeks. Who does that?

Darling piece of virginal beauty that you sigh at, like a horse. I was going to say the exact same thing. I'm like, I hate it when my horse goes to spain and toots fucker. Pictures of horses having sex. Wait, when he says, when he says wax, does he mean like waxed as in like hair? This or does he mean wax as in like buffed up with turtle wax? They're all shiny. Because that's what I was imagining. If you could, you'd be out there with a shotgun sitting with all your fellow dads on the doorstep of the girls' apartment of an evening, counting them all out and counting them all in. They can still fuck just because you've counted them anyway.

Or if you're really brave, you do what one of the dads dare do and refuse permission to let her go. He'd be cancelled. That was never a likely option with me, though. First, I'm a soft touch. Goal has only to bat her eyelashes at me to get whatever she wants. Don't call them capitals. Goal and boy, that's so... Maybe that's what they're actually named. I mean, you've got to realize this. You should have used that naming service. You don't want to form too strong of attachments to children when they've been living in the basement under padlock their entire lives. He just called them girl and boy.

Yeah, he has a very tried attitude where you had to be like that to your children, because most of them were going to die of typhus. Exactly. You couldn't get too attached. Secondly, she has earned it. Unlike her two indolent cruising brothers. She worked incredibly hard for her A-levels, rising at 7 a.m. every day and putting in a good eight or nine hours of solid revision. Thirdly, it will give her some of the vital life training she didn't get at school. My daughter's a fucking nerd. What a paragraph. Cheltenham Ladies College does a lot of things for the girls in their care, but it does not

fuck them. It does not give them a right royal rogering. That is what women need to understand how the world works. While I'm not necessarily, I mean, literally you joke, but while I'm not necessarily complaining about the caring, nurturing environment she enjoyed at Malvern, I love that he bothers to name the school. But isn't that also a kind of bottled water? I do think that now more than ever, kids leave private schools somewhat ill-prepared for the vileness, rapacity and dog eat, dog brutality of the real world beyond 200,000 pounds a year from writing this kind of shit in a newspaper. What on earth do you know about the dog eat, dog brutality of the world? You're a smooth-brained idiot who has had a life that's just been

paved with gold and people telling you what a special boy you are. Have you ever been called entitled when you're out in public before, which as we know, just like turf is a slur. He literally thinks that like being owned online is like the Auschwitz of today. And he would not be the only person to think that. Private schools famously not a hive of vileness, rapacity or like dog eat, dog brutality ever. Alice and I, having both been to private schools, neither of us have ever experienced any kind of brutality before. We both became extremely normal and that's why we do a podcast about Come.

I mean, look, they might have learned about dog eat, dog nature, but did they learn about dog fucking dog in pictures when searching on Twitter? If not, maybe they aren't prepared for the world. You have to go to Winchester for that kind of thing. This is now the private school chat. This is UK private school podcast, boy fuck vegetables culture. Anyway, it's all very well constantly being reassured how valuable you are as a person. Again, the private school experience, how meaningful your feelings are, how dreadful bullying is, how incredibly fabulous it is if you're gay, no homophobia at private schools. Let's not pull on that thread. But none of this is much defense against having your

cocktails spiked with rehypno or being molested and filmed by Germans. Germans! Put that in scare quotes. Wait, Germans is in scare quotes. These Germans asked me if I was new in town and asked me if I liked Dick to which I replied, yes, I enjoyed the music of Cliff Richard. Before I knew it, I was being posted online in obscene videos. We probably still were first Germans as Bavarians. Yeah, fake taxi, but so it's fake Germans. It's just Rob goes to Brady doing that. Has he seen Brits abroad, like British men abroad?

Apparently not. Apparently, like the greatest part, like the whole reason why I beef and all these places have these reputations is because British men go and like basically trash the place over like one week, two weeks. The second in between this film when they went on the lads holiday is a bad film. But the one thing they did get right was kind of how British people act in places like that. When they do like as openly shitting hotels and like hotel floors and stuff. I'm still stuck on German neoliberal Rocco Saphredi though. You girls like modern monetary theory. Hey, you girls from Greece. Unfortunately, James continues, to survive such things, you need the one thing they don't teach you at £40,000 a year public schools. How to talk to girls?

No, street wisdom. So you could argue that far from being a gigantic neon lit toilet by the med littered with used condoms, pools of puke and rutting teens. What? It's James Blunt's house. Shagaloof is in fact an unfairly maligned cross between a safe space and a finishing school. We are now about to witness the strength of street knowledge. Oh, it's a safe space because even though it's pretty rough and lary and basic, it's a well trodden destination swarming with nicely brought up kids who seem to understand the fundamental rule that you don't abandon your mates and extremists. Yeah, the ones you can fucking afford to go. Like those are the ones who can afford to go and like fuck up hotels and stuff and

like not have to worry about paying for it. Damn. Well, I'm sure that James Dellingpole's children aren't like that. And it's a finishing school because as with young wildebeest separated from their parents, a brilliant start to any analogy on their first Serengeti migration river crossing. It's the moment when they have to learn to deal with crocodiles. German Rocco Sifredi. Yeah, by which I presume he means cheap class A drugs. The danger is real, as we know from the papers, but like live ammunition training exercises, it concentrates the mind. Literally, they all wish they'd been in World War Two. That is what it all comes down to. What's funny is that live ammunition training exercises don't really

concentrate the mind. You're just really relieved to get them over with because you've rehearsed them a hundred times where they'll let you fucking use real bullets. They're really boring, actually. But hey, what would I know? I was just in the army. I wasn't some fucking dumbass fucking 200,000 year dad. They won't let us. They won't allow soldiers kill the Taliban with real bullets anymore because of health and safety. God damn bureaucrats in Brussels. Go on, you're all about the threat. Also, she cheerfully informed us on one of her daily bulletins on the family WhatsApp groups. So she's also a snitch is what you're telling me. Yeah, she's damn she's getting stitches or something. Such drunken texts often with incomprehensible stories and drunken videos

can be upsetting to receive in the small hours. So far, we've had our girls lining up in a doctor's surgery. Why they never explained one of because because Alexa wouldn't give them the answers. One of our girls laughing with blood pouring out of her mouth. Okay, this is getting quite Blair, quite dark. Wild antics on a booze cruise. I find it best not to look at these too closely. Perhaps I'm naive, but I like to tell myself that it's all very innocent really, and that they don't do it to upset us. A bit like I used to try and do with my parents when age 19, I wrote them long harrowing letters from my narrow brushes with death and the various hideous diseases I'd caught at eating college. No, while overlanding across Africa.

I love that like James Dellingpool's youth is like heart of darkness. James James Dellingpool, it's like, well, you know, these kids nowadays, they can go to Magaluf back in my day, we just had to join the Rhodesian light infantry. Mr. Kurtz, he Googling pictures of dogs having sex. He just like when he thinks of Brits abroad, he's imagining pith helmets. Wait, wasn't there a paragraph in this where he talks about how Magaluf is like turning your kids gay or something? I vaguely remember. No, he just said something to the effect of that, like in boarding school, they're told that being gay is good or something like that.

That's not the real world. Yeah, damn, boarding school, a place where there's no homophobia as we previously covered. Still, with any luck, it's just a passing phase. I've been particularly reassured by stories about how hideous it is sharing an apartment with rancid schoolmates and no air conditioning. All we need now is a family trip to some five-star Mediterranean resort. Like dad invariably wangles every summer for one of his newspaper articles. Just telling on yourself. Exactly. And the desire to go anywhere as horrible as Shagaluf will be extinguished permanently. And she can get on the grift on the gravy train that I've been on for getting paid to write these fucking awful columns. Amazing.

He would much rather his daughter doesn't hang out in Ibiza, where there are lots of of and something that he fears very much of working-class young men from the north and would rather go to a private villa in the Mediterranean where his friends can instead ogle his daughter instead. Exactly. Yeah, private villas in the Mediterranean where nothing bad has ever happened. My good friend, Jeffrey, is going to learn when we're the other the safest place to holiday as international waters. He's the guy running the relocate to Romania, pro-Brexit town, advocating escaping the EU by moving to Romania where you can buy a falling down Shag in rural Romania where there will be no people to fuck your daughter because it's 100 miles from the

nearest town. Even he said the properties that he was selling, some of them had quote unquote the gypsy problem. Damn, seal your daughter in a concrete sarcophagus where no one can fuck her. Joseph Fritzel. No, he would never seal his daughter away from himself. Fritzel's not that dumb. So is that is at the end of James Dellingpole's nightmare? That is the end. That is the end of the... Unfortunately, it's not the end of James Dellingpole's career. I'm sure that's going to go on for some time yet. Well, I feel like that's it then, isn't it? I mean, having a normal one. Well, folks, don't forget to buy t-shirts, subscribe to the Patreon, come to the various live shows, come to my preview on Thursday.

Give us money so that we too can go to international waters for a very much deserved break. Remember to flip through the binder of pussies. Yeah, subscribe to Alice's Private Snap if you want to see extras from the pussy binder. Flip through the binder of pussies of life. Exactly. Well, I suppose that's it for everyone. Thank you so much for listening. Once again, as we've previously mentioned, please sign up for the Patreon if you want more episodes like this. Don't worry, Riley will be back soon. He'll be... He's currently... He's not his way back from Chagalli. What a beautiful experience. What a beautiful... What a beautiful way to end the show. What a beautiful way to end the show indeed. From now, fucked up family to your

followers. From our basement to yours. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next week. Indeed. Don't forget to go out and get yourself a pussay. Bye.