TRASHFUTURE - You Have Nothing to Fear, Humans (Live 11.3.20 in London feat. Mollie Goodfellow)

Episode Date: March 17, 2020

Please enjoy this live episode of Trashfuture, recorded on March 11 at Vauxhall Comedy in London. The almost-full cast of Riley (@raaleh), Milo (@Milo_Edwards), Hussein (@HKesvani), and Nate (@inthesedeserts) join special guest (and 3-time returning champion) Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) to discuss a human-replacing app that seems intent on making Daleks, the looming coronavirus pandemic, and an elite concierge service for billionaires that is more than slightly ripe for conspiracies. If you want access to our Patreon bonus episodes and powerful Discord server, sign up here: https://www.patreon.com/trashfuture *WEB DESIGN ALERT* Tom Allen is a friend of the show (and the designer behind GYDS.com). If you need web design help, reach out to him here:  https://www.tomallen.media/

Hello, Trash Fisher listeners, Nate here, quick heads up. We recorded this episode at Voxel Comedy and much like the last episode, I critically forgot to turn on the recorder until about two minutes in. So we of course have a backup track. That backup track came from a camcorder. It's going to sound a little rough for the first two minutes, so just FYI, it does get better very quickly and the rest of the show sounds normal. So I wanted you to understand that before you thought you had to commit yourself to

a solid hour of having your ears destroyed. I apologize once again for the mistake. I'm an idiot. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this live show which was recorded last week, March 11th at Voxel Comedy. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Brendan and Neil. Hello, Brendan and Neil are afraid of the coronavirus, he's only afraid of one thing. This week the chattering classes of this once great nation have been again all over flutter

in a wild panic about the coronavirus. These islington Stalinists at twitter.com are obsessed that Boris Johnson is incompetent and that Britain is in a worse position than Italy to deal with the virus. How can that be said? Italy was run into the ground for years by a horny buffoon, whereas we've only recently elected Boris Johnson. If you ask me, well you've actually recently prevented a much more dangerous disease spreading here from Europe, the disease of unelected bureaucrats making our laws.

So what if everyone in Britain gets this disease? Have we not suffered before? Did we not survive the blitz, foot and mouth, tamagotches? This is merely a blip in the history of our glorious nation. Looney-leaf doctors are suggesting that mortality rates for the over 50s could be significant, but I don't think any self-respecting boomers will allow themselves to be carried off by this disease, not after years of building their strength by imagining fighting wild water over and over again.

In an attempt to calm tensions, the government has bravely affected Nadine Dory's with the virus. So once and for all, Ruge that it isn't dangerous, or in the very least, give her a warrior's death and entry to Tori Valhalla. However, the vegan Khmer Rouge would have you believe that we need to stop the spread of the disease and to use government measures to contain it, but who are we to intervene in free market forces? If consumers don't want a coronavirus, they will simply bode with their feet and get something

else instead, like chicken pops or a burrito. To attempt to contain the coronavirus beyond this is nothing short of no platforming a biological phenomenon. In curtailing its freedom of speech, should we deny something of fair hearing just because it's hazardous and nobody wants to go near it without wearing protective gear, I personally feel Amber Rudd deserve better. Indeed, the castroite scented candle purveyors of N1 are trying to silence this plucky virus. To curtail its rights and worst of all, subject us to European style quarantine.

They want to turn up the temperature on the whole country to a level where the virus will die out, a temperature of 198.4 degrees. Thank you very much. It's the longest period of shuffling before a show I've ever done. And now you get to see me unlock my laptop. There we go. So hello to everyone here Voxel comedy club who has braved the awful pandemic is currently ravaging our shores.

Are you all well? That's actually a very specific question. Are you all well? If you're, if you're not well, we've said not to be here. I've always felt that our fans welcomed death. There's a guy wearing a mask, a person wearing a mask. Yeah, everyone. He's a friend of the show.

He everyone. Everyone should be more like Devon. You have merely adopted the coronavirus. So hello to everyone. It's us that podcast. You know all about it. Presumably if not, welcome to the next hour. It's a strange first show to come to.

I'm going to defy death for this thing that I thought might be good on Eventbrite. God bless the people who just go with the Eventbrite recommendations. It's happened to all of us. Some of us end up at comedy shows. Other people end up at orgies. So we are here. It's myself, Riley Milo, Hussein, friend of the show and repeat guest. I believe three Pete now Molly Goodfellow.

Oh my God. What a word. I see who gets the applause. Exactly. The first time Molly came on the show, she walked in on me crying on night. And it's been a normal Friday is what we call it around the studio. And also everyone was like two hours late. Oh hell yeah.

I think because of the crying. I assume because of the crying. Real heads know what happened. I was crying because we were so late. I just I love punctuality. And of course Nate ably manning the boards. Trying. Yeah.

Yeah, it's what I find very funny speaking of the coronavirus stuff is I was reading about the government's prevention strategy today and apparently instead of doing things, what they've decided to do is engage the behavioral analytics unit at the government, which basically the last thing they did was come up with an idea to send people a text message to file their tax returns on time. So basically what they've done is they've said Malcolm Gladwell. What should we do? Well, actually you can't get the coronavirus if you go to space.

The virus needs oxygen to breathe. So really, actually what you have to do in order to stop an epidemic is you have to divert 25 percent of the national budget to Elon Musk specifically. Yeah, we've launched all the old people in a capsule into space. But unfortunately we've launched them in there with all the known reserves of the coronavirus. Government spokesperson was quoted as saying this is the last thing we wanted to happen. But we do not officially agree with that idea. All right, so as per, as per, I have sourced yet another of these started ups.

So I'm going to do a couple of blanked outlines for anyone who's not familiar with the show. These jokers are going to try to guess exactly what this thing does. And usually they're going to fail miserably, although Alice has a worrying trend of getting them right now. That's why she's banned from the live show. We have to edit her out. We have to silence women. So I'm going to say the company is Bear Robotics. That's B-E-A-R.

And Molly, as the guest, you have the first guess. Well, I just have to guess a fair robotics. Yes, do not show what it is yet, of course. Is it a robot bear? Yeah, we're going for the layup on the first one, but no. I'm making it easier for everyone else. Is it Canadian late 90s, like kind of indie pop slash hip hop act, bear naked robotics? Really?

They just sing songs with very fast but gibberish raps, but all the members of the band have been replaced with robots now. It's been funded to the tune of $32 million. Surprisingly, for our audience, not many people remember the bear naked ladies. Who's saying you have anything? All I can think of is, like, somehow racist Paddington? It's the only thing going through my head, and it seems like the most logical thing. And you're going to say, you're almost there now. Unfortunately, I've been really close sometimes.

Nate, do you have anything, or is the board called? I'm just trying to keep the haunted ghost of Echo out of the show as much as I can. Okay, so we'll do the next one. We're reshaping blank with robotics and AI. That one doesn't really help you at all. Every single company says they're doing a skull. It's going to know it's a phrenology based job coaching service. They'll give you a lump in your head with a hammer based on what you need to perform.

That would be that would be awesome if there were some phrenology people who believe that phrenology worked in both directions. If you change the shape of someone's skull, you could make them smarter. That would be awesome. Doing that like Peugeot 206 ad from 2001 where he just takes the shitty old Indian car and hammers it into the shape of a Peugeot 206. Yeah, there's some fucking shooters in here, remember that hat? Stop touching your face. I mean, that's like essentially mewing, right?

It's like brain mewing. Mewing? Yeah, like when you, you know what mewing is? Like a cat. No, mewing as in like, so like guys who like, so they, you know, they, they, how do I describe it? The same has written an article about this phenomenon. I'm sure. I have, I have.

Is it, are you plugging your article? Do any of you remember that New York, New York magazine article where guys got like plastic surgery for their face because they felt that that was the reason they weren't getting girlfriends? Oh yeah, the chat jar. Right. So some of them were like, well, I can't afford plastic surgery with this one weird guy who lives in the Midwest. So I'm just going to chew a tennis ball for months until my face like narrows. He just become a dog.

You just start looking like a golden retriever. So it makes me think of your Twitter profile picture. Brain. Mewing. It makes me think of your Twitter profile picture. Oh, because I have dogs. So I thought you were going to say because I have a chat job. So our guesses for the second round of clues are a car commercial from the early 2000s.

That's also a startup funded to the tune of thirty two million dollars. I mean, it's less ridiculous than some things that have been funded. A con a concept about giving yourself a bigger jaw. Nate's profile picture on Twitter. So as I was as I was tunnel visioning on the board, I couldn't recall. Did you say it was spelled be a are like a bear like an animal like an animal? Yes, like an animal. Yes.

So the first thing that came to mind is that this is an app that would let you to become burlier and hairier to attract a certain demographic. It would be if you were. It's like Chad plastic surgery, but for grinder. Is it? Is it? Sexway bots? Molly's got it closest so far.

Is it? Is it furry related? Again, Hussein, usually this instinct serves you well, but no, not now. My brain is like just glue up our grand. Our grand vision is to change the way the blank industry is operated so that human employees and owners can have less stress. I like the clarification of human employees, implying that they've been using some kind of weird half men up until this point.

There's sort of like the cursed oompa lumpas of Silicon Valley. I like the background sound. Whatever that is, it makes everything really ominous. Yes. The ghost train going on the ghost of nationalized rails. Say that again. Riley, what is it that does for humans? Our grand vision is to change the way the blank industry is operated so that human

employees and owners can have less stress. Owners not specified as human. Still sex. Comrade this copy. Is it something to like rent a pet? Like you really want a shiba inu, but you don't want it for long term. So you're like, I just want to take Instagram photos with this weird fox dog. So you rent it on an app.

I love the idea of being in the park and being like, wow, that guy has a cool shiba inu and someone going, but it's on fucking high purchase. It's it's like pickup artists that want to rent an iguana for a day. Another bill. Oh my God has to do with sex or robotics because I was close. So robotic shiba, you know, have sex. Look, hey baby ever sat under a hot lamp. So look, you've a group of us have never been more wrong about any startup ever.

Oh no. So we have an image to flash up on the screen now, please should be flashed up in a moment. Meet Penny, a self-driving robot waiter that delivers food, drinks and empty dishes to and from the kitchen. It is designed specifically to help servers spend more time with customers and not replace them. It's one of those stools from sports direct, but just with a motor in it.

It's like this reminds me of like that robot in the bad Rocky movie. You know when he buys a robot and like the road is like a robot butler and it was a pretty bad part of like what is essentially an all right film. So every every no if everyone's wrong about this. This is this is called grumba. It's art. What this is is this is not just R2D2. This is specifically R2D2 from Return of the Jedi on Jabba skiff, but he's made

to be a waiter. So it's a robot waiter app. It's a robot waiter, but what I find most interesting is that as soon as I found all of their marketing, every single article is just this isn't going to take your job and some of their justifications as to why we're interesting enough to warrant including in this script. My job as a moving tray has been has been automated. Oh also before we go on it has received thirty two million dollars in funding.

Who do we think funded this Donald Trump Junior and Andrew Yang. No come on. This is someone we're very familiar with more. Not that not the softest of the soft bank soft bank everybody. I just some guys in Saudi Arabia being like imagine if a magic tree brought you real food. Not really a joke, but just to point this out, I saw a photo being shared by some journalists covering the golf that there was some event in Saudi Arabia where they

had made some unfortunate guest worker wear a great big sign and and be a human hand sanitizer display where you could walk up to him and get hand sanitizer. Oh no. The hand sanitizer positioned on the body. Effectively he was wearing a board and he had the thing that would be in like a restroom on the board and he had to wear it and people had to come get it. So in a way, this is like man to make it come. This is the humane side.

This is the humane side of the Saudi MBA brain, right because this is at least a robot. So here's the logic. Servers walk five to nine miles a day for food running and busing. We want to spare their time and energy for customer service. You know you can make small talk with them for more time. They're doing you a favor by taking your job. Yeah. They're doing me a favor by not only removing you know the the inconvenience of serving

food as a server, but it gives them more time to be abused by. We want to help you retain and here's an interesting next two words. Your best employees. Whoops. Whoopsie Daisy. By making their daily work sustainable. So yes, you know like how it wasn't in the past. Why do you if it's not sustainable, then surely you should not be allowed to have a

business. It's just because I know Alan sugar like every day. I have to cut off another part of my body. We've had coal powered waiters for too long. It's causing global warming. Well it gets me to because as as an American whenever I see things in American politics about we need affordable access to health care, access to affordable health care.

Every one of those words is loaded in a way. You know it actually means we're going to fucking rip you off and you're going to die because you can't get your infected to you know, toenail fixed when but anytime Riley reads this copy, it's like every single word of it triggers the same reaction. It's like we fuck want fuck to every single word like fire. Everyone replace them with robots. Everyone's going to have to have an app that controls their blood like it's just it

never ends. What is the tip alternative for robots that the tip alternative for robots don't need money. So like what you tip a robot. I know like it like a taser like a blue lives matter tip like a lady. I really kinky robot that just loves being tased. So this is this is a quote from the owner of the company John Ha who unsurprisingly was an engineer at Google who started a restaurant for fun while there because

Googlers are all psychopaths and he says it's not like I had a dream of having a restaurant. It was more of an investment. It sounded fun. But what I was really shocked by it was how much hard work involved. I was involved in how low employees income was fucking weird how that was employees income so low. I think you could do.

Whoa, I went to I went to this area of San Francisco and there was a way bigger queue for you know the taking heroin line them for the them for the handing in your CV to Google line. I wonder why I wonder why that is. What if we had one waiter and we paid him a living wage and then 20 haunted Roomba's that would fuck up your food order that would fix things. Stop. Stop getting them to stop just getting it right.

A bunch of Roomba's that the Roomba's are excellent waiters but the catches each one is infested with the ghost of a famous pedophile. That is their punishment to be a Roomba waiter for all eternity. Why is this Roomba wearing a tracksuit and smoking a cigar now then now then now then now then now then so I felt I was forced to close my I felt as I was forced to close my restaurant. Wonder why that this was going to be my life's work to transform the restaurant industry with the skills I have.

I wanted to remove the hard work and repetitive tasks so that the humans would ever whatever a startup nerd refers to people as humans. I all it does it. I get like a little shock between my shoulders. Powerful Zuckerberg energy. I kind of like you can just add. You can. I was gonna say I kind of prefer humans to users.

That's like a little better. I guess I just you could basically add parentheses to indicate what he was meaning every time it's like humans who are a frail creature just sacks of blood and meat. That really does get the same kind of what he actually says. They are ripe for harvesting taught. I didn't send you the notes that included there. We must remove the menial labor to keep their organs fresh.

I want. I wanted to remove the menial labor and repetitive tasks. Thanks. I hate it. So that humans can fuck who are a frail creature. They fall apart at the slightest touch so that the humans can focus on the human side of hospitality at restaurants. You're selling food and service but most of your time is spent dealing with

hiring people people not showing up taking off sick because they are weak because the flesh cannot withstand a room be haunted by the ghost of a pedophile has never caught coronavirus deal with it lib and people and people not showing up for work but then I thought to myself it's really hard no wonder employees quit so quit so quickly and Nate here's another thing you predicted. I tried to make my restaurant a great place to work but was frustrated what I did before to offer health insurance to my employees. I'm going to lose my voice if I keep doing David Bedeal in a flash Gordon

movie so. So. My my restaurant was closed down for violations of the health code but then I thought what if I replace these human pedophiles with robot. So. Penny going back to penny. Here's what's really funny about penny is that. Okay, but by by cheer by acclamation how do you think that a restaurant comes

to procure penny give me a cheer if you think you purchase penny. Give me a cheer if you think you can only rent penny. You've all been listening to this show for a while haven't you yes so basically what happens is they're replacing your human workers who have frail organs and require salaries with a robot that you lease from one company. So all the salaries instead of going to many frail organ sacks go to one LLC and it's many organ sack shareholders. Yeah and but I speak to the monkey when you can go straight to the organ sack

and what's very interesting is that they come into your restaurant and then they map it out like where all your tables are. So if you move a table you can't this this reminds me of a restaurant anymore because all your waiters are going to crash into the moved table. This reminds me of a thing I did in ICT in primary school. Does everyone remember the little Roomba thing that you could program using like an R M P C. Yes, I yeah.

This is that they've invented 2001. Yeah, all you have to do is program the location of each table chairs any other and any other obstacle on their restaurant and then if you move anything do it again. Yeah, it sounds like a great system. If only there was if there only there was a kind of conveyance for food that could look at if you move to table and decide to not walk directly into it. You know that like even a Roomba can do that right like even a Roomba is capable

of thing there's like there's a thing there. I just love the idea that you have a restaurant and a party comes and they're like oh can you accommodate a party of 12 like no I can't it'll bring about judgment day. It will anger the machines. They are they are powerful and extremely horny. How do you signal to the robot that you want to pay the bill? I mean the usual way.

Do you have to do it in like a certain like you have to do it like down here so that the laser can like see that you're doing this. Otherwise it doesn't register. I mean if you really want to replace everyone in your restaurant you can they also offer a package where you put an iPad at each table and then slowly slowly slowly you can turn your restaurant into a stationary version of the zoom pizza truck and then have it be worth twenty billion dollars. Is there a chef robot because I don't want it if there's no chef robot yes

what if you replace all your customers with robots as well and all the food is just a user. The robot customers are served by humans though. Oh yeah that would be good. Damn black mirror. Does the robot have a voice? No of course not. No wait yeah no it does.

Sorry it does Italian New Jersey voice. Not yet but no you the robot will say enjoy your meal because people are being told that by an R2-D2. Enjoy your sustenance. I want to go I want to go to an Indian restaurant in Whitechapel but like have a robot waiter who's just a New Jersey Italian. I feel like. Your civilization reaches its twilight.

Would you care for Parmesan cheese? The company doesn't aim to fully replace human servers would you want to dine here's what Jack Ha says would you want to dine at a factory. Oh would you hey I guess not or swear someone with good social skills can make you feel warm. What's up okay that's exactly what I want when I go to a restaurant yeah John has been created by Markov chain. I want one of the waiters to sit down with me ask me about my problems.

Ask me what I want from my life. Halfway through this John Ha's like Manchurian candidate phrase was activated. What if the robot becomes racist? I feel like every time. Trained by AIs. Trained by a bad racist waiter. Every time I think about this I just think of a Taylor Swift A.I. like became racist in like 20 minutes so just say John hard is banging his head

on the table as the robot is in like a big pointy sheet costume they were only supposed to be pedophiles so no one no one's really happy as a waiter at Ha said again. I wonder why no one's proud of a restaurant job fuck you. I thought robots could bring a huge impact to society so I quit Google started building this prototype and now it's running as a daily operation at my restaurant and here's an that's what quotes implicitly about class because he's sort of recognizing yeah waiting is a relatively low class job like a

working class job. I imagine it's probably not very relaxing or enjoyable. I suppose it should be better. And so his solution is to say I want our solutions. This is what he said I want our solutions to improve the working environment for the restaurant so restaurant employees can live more like middle class citizens which of course as the owner of a restaurant he was not in a place to provide earlier because when you think about it what he actually wants his

vision is automate automate all of the work done by human servers and then be like okay there's going to be two human servers like per big restaurant now but like they're going to be paid the same wage have their job title changed to like you know food hospitality technologist and it's going to be another job that needs a university degree which is I think a little bit ludicrous for something that you know looks like an r2d2 from the third Star Wars movie. The more I think about this the more I feel like he doesn't understand how a restaurant works even though he says he owns one right.

So the reason why I say this is because like if you're a waiter like your job isn't just to kind of like deliver food like a machine it's about interacting with like kitchen stuff and it's about like interacting with the chef and kind of you know it's if someone's like you know has an allergy for example or like it's you know gluten resistance the idea is there'll still be like two waiters who do all of the interaction we do all of that and then the robots are kind of yeah but now they can spend 20 minutes telling you the specials you can have 20 minutes worth of specials should you choose you don't have to talk like this to work here

but it helps. I really want them to build like robot Gordon Ramsay now just like just like slapping a robot like sous chef with a slice of bread going what are you idiot sandwich it's so cool I've always been somehow that's that's a trigger that makes they rise up against robot Gordon Ramsay it's it's so fun that in order to avoid paying waiters and waitresses more we've invented Daleks yeah it's amazing you can't have any stairs in the restaurant could you not have a restaurant that serves exclusively Dal and then you can call them Daleks TM TM TM TM TM TM TM

no you said that on stage no one in the audience gets to have it you do a fucking sue you all right so the thing is right there are I'm going to I'm going to go into a I usually do this in studio I'm doing in a live show for the first time a brief explainer section why this is a worrying company largely is that like labor supply is relatively low for people who want to do restaurant jobs and especially like the place where it's targeting all of its clients which is like California and New York have all like past minimum wage laws basically means that this isn't so much a robot company as it is a way for restaurant

owners to circumvent minimum wage laws which all the all startups that like actually do anything are just that they're never a technology company they're always a trick of some kind and so like it's no surprise that it was invented in California a state that is going to a $15 minimum wage in 2022 there is actually a market for it unfortunately among the world's worst people and like a lot of restaurant owners are feeling pressure from that the thing to remember right is that last time the global economy went through a big contraction what do you see when you went to McDonald's all of a sudden fast

food chains it started automating an enormous amount of their ordering process and cutting a bunch of their workforce because it is proven in that when there is a massive recession automation happens cap labor is replaced with capital and then once that recession stops like once it goes back to growth those jobs don't come back so unlike most of the startups we talk about that are pointless fripperies that are ways for the Saudis to waste their oil money this is a way for the Saudis to use their oil money to potentially do actual evil in a way $32 million haunted Roomba that brings you your food is more

dangerous than $500 million for a pizza van that's going to control the entire food supply like the scale of the investment seems so small and yet the idea seems way more insidious I mean I didn't even really have to add the general doom voice in there to make the point but what's more most amazing about this really is that they've basically created a version of the Osushi conveyor belt that doesn't work like like this is just the implementation of this is going to be a complete disaster like one or two restaurants will do it and they'll be like yeah this fucking sucks like

everyone's food is getting spilled everywhere like oh I love to hire the three stooges robot company to do to run my restaurant it keeps trying to exterminate everyone like I also love the idea of envisioning the sales pitch for this it's like oh yeah you don't got to feed them you don't got to pay them you get no problem with working overtime just got to keep them happy once a month you let them torment the cat or something like that they'll be thrilled all right it's all good yes do not charge them after midnight I cannot stress that yeah so bear robotics

that's the one question I mean the only answer is off the top of my head California of Golden Bear whatever the ashes of Bear Stones oh yeah so you know 30 million dollars of Saudi oil wealth to extend the awkward small talk you have to wake at a restaurant and increase the risk that when your server says enjoy your meal you respond with you too I love it when my when my robot waiter disappears out of the restaurant muttering must bomb Yemen I went to the supermarket today and I said thank you to be automated computer things so like that's not a that's not seeable you know what fucks me up it's the

Sainsbury's ones because it's all like robot voice like did you use any bags and then it gets you and then you get to the very end and it goes do you want to receipt you're like what what the fuck Karen from the hairdressers just recorded that last line gets me every time so before we move on before we move on to the next segment which is much more conspiracy related so any true and on fans in the house let me get that sound ready any final thoughts on bear robotics again starting with our esteemed yes Molly all I keep thinking about is how their robotics and be a systems

make you think final thoughts bear robotics honestly I just Roombas don't even work in big rooms I've been in I've lived in New York for four years I imagine the small size of restaurants I'd love to see it in action but something tells me that it's just it's not going to work in the Saudis because the Saudis track record is so poor with tech investments I just can't even though what you described sounds terrifying I can't for the life of me believe that they're actually going to pull it off and disrupt society I mean you met Yemeni society yes but not just a Roomba that brings a big fat Saudi Prince lots of

treats just constant stream of back lover being brought to you by a haunted Hoover it's exactly like what we showed on screen except it's wearing five white Dior belts be an Emirati Roomba I feel this is where like MBS kind of got the idea that this would be good it was just like oh I really want a harem but like no one wants to hang out with me so I'll just like build some robots I don't like feed me grapes while I'm nude just spending your frivolous hours figuring out how much Turkish delight you can load on this thing before the springs collapse and it falls to pieces I can taste that is just chat that's Chad shit

yeah if you kept it very I'd be like yeah that's that's pretty dope we've we've become a fundamentally treat based society so speaking speaking of treats I I'd like to move on to our our second segment where and I think some of you but again once again by acclamation who has heard in this room of the luxury concierge service quint essentially oh yeah some of you got some ball as in yeah wait so Dr. Zend is a baller he is he basically he's like remember that song from some years ago like the G six he's got these got that now he's doing all of this he also artificial medical correspondent who

said we could go ahead today yeah if you get coronavirus talk to him imagine having five hypochondriac podcast hosts be like can we cancel the show is it okay to cancel the show instead he reassured us so please we get a hand and no so any excuse not to leave the house yes I'm getting worse at fortnight by the second yeah so quint essentially it has be I've seen it come up a few times and I thought it was worth further investigation so I in the style of what it is that I do the reason you're all here the reason that I have this computer for to me and so on I did some further

investigation so in brief just to introduce everyone to what it is it is a quintessence anyone slow burn now on literally every episode is 120 minutes of this and it's just me it's a ruthlessly cut editor I definitely almost prefer the crying is anybody here an aspiring podcast host to we've had a we ought to spot open frivolous humans are sustained by puns so quint essentially is essentially a hyper luxury concierge service so you call them and they can make whatever it is that you want happen in sounds very normal oh yes it is a complex rabbit war and of thirty or so global holding companies some offices

and so on run by three guys Ben Elliott who's the one will be talking about primarily who was made the chairman of the conservative party in twenty nineteen and also is the nephew of Camilla Parker bowls cereal entrepreneur Aaron Simpson and a guy called Paul Drummond who we won't be talking about at all one of the lesser known Simpsons and this is really funny I was wondering whether or not to include this but I'm going to Aaron Simpson has started another company last year called kindred which has an interesting social mission we're going to do rapid fire guess round guess what kindred does it enables you and all your

warren supporting friends to get together and cry over a candle ten percent there it's a service to harass your acts twenty percent there shit does it harness the power of existential dread to power homes ninety five percent there and it connects you with a lawyer to bring legal action when you found you have a love child via your twenty three and me so here's here's here's here's what it says kindred enables users to share what they love on social media and make genuine genuine recommendations to everyone who follows them while promoting significant savings on some of the world's top brand

so basically it's a it's a startup that's again been funded in the millions where the idea is to turn every single person into an influencer marketer all the time to everyone forever but it's a social enterprise because you can set a little slider on the app or anytime someone like I don't know buys a robot waiter because you post it on instagram you can donate a percent of that to charity so actually it's progressive tweeting tweeting to my forty six followers on my locked twitter account getting getting at least one person to click through my amazon affiliate link and buy some dungarees so kindred is

creating the new global community of conscious consumers and we are directing millions of pounds dollars and euros so thank you to the world's most needy causes kindred idea that we're giving it to them in three currencies and that somehow makes it better kindred's first charitable campaign last october it was called blokes and bras guys hanging out did you say did you say which did you say blokes and bras yep which encourages men to show support for the women in their lives by donning a bra on social media any excuse any excuse everybody in the blokes were just

trying to show some support for women so actually actually mate maybe you've got a problem yeah I love the idea that if you dig deep enough in the filings you find an angel investor named Alice Caldwell Kelly yeah it's her it's it's her plan to slowly bimbify Tories like you're actually like if I turn myself into a bimbo and then I post my Lamborghini then I'll actually get another Lamborghini I love the Dutch Tories I would make fun of Riley's attempted a British accent but apparently the only one I can do is you pathetic humans not much range you can only do Vincent

price so hmm basically so um like a minor royal nephew the guy who created blokes in bras to raise awareness about women I mean women women wear bras all the time like a very serious point bras are very expensive so like if a man wore my bra and like bent out of shape I'd be really fucking annoyed they're like 30 40 quid if you're getting a good one that's a lot an actual supportive bra sorry this is my this is the hill for me to die on now I'm learning so much but he was just sort of raising awareness about women generally yeah yeah years when I was a boarding school I wasn't aware of the existence of

women at all and yet for some reason he still had to wear a bra I just I just thought that my mom was another bloke who dressed up in women's clothes like my dad but that the sea level the sea levels are the sea levels are rising fascism is on the March crops are failing around the world there are pandemics what are we gonna do I know bras the grant the grand horseshoe theory it's just everything comes back to have you seen these women there I'm betting that the idea came when he like when he was a teenager and he came home one day from boarding school and he sees his dad and like women's clothes

and like his dad's paddock king not really sure what to do so he's like son it's which I know it's just a weird awareness I'm doing it for my mate's mental health honestly some of the blokes had a really tough time out there in Afghanistan and you know what if you need to if you need to dress up in women's clothes just to let them know that you know there are people out there who care about them and everything's gonna be alright you know if you need to if you need to dress up in a full leather bondage outfit just to just to check that your mates are okay you know that's why that's why me and Ed Sheeran are

we're gonna be dressing up as furries and fucking each other just to just to let men know that suicide isn't the answer special trash food for guests Prince Harry so basically so that's just the sort of brain genius that's behind this thing so quintessentially provides a service where for tens of thousands of pounds a month they'll sort of be your concierge for anything getting your kids into a school getting you a house restaurant reservations anything on but you wouldn't download so quintessentially you wouldn't steal a handbag it's just it's just the alien from the Flintstones quintessentially

prides itself this is its own marketing copy on specializing in extreme service hell yeah kick flipping into the room what's up you know what's up nerds anyone ready for a champagne whatever you want whatever you need we get it but you also get a bottle of Mountain Dew Baja Blast from the elite to the impossible we've organized lunch on a genders we've we've organized lunch on an iceberg lettuce fine because yeah you know everyone loves having lunch a really cold and

convenient what do you have to do to get some ice around him all right yeah it was so someone could make that joke up to raise awareness yeah I want to have lunch in the way that destroys an Edwardian ship it's perfect you get one you get one of those waiter robots on a jet ski I can see that I now like British tourists stranded on coronavirus iceberg we've closed the Sydney Harbour Bridge so someone could propose on top of it that was a big groan was it you what did she say

romance we've secure is a really funny one we've secured Elton John to sing in a wedding we have we have tactically ascertained position of a unit Elton John to deploy to this a nuptial scenario you've got it that was like the plot of an Edgar Wright movie right it was Kingsman 2 yes they kidnap Elton John and make him like play music and there's no reason why he should be there and then at the end he just does a

kickflip and that's it that's all he does I just this would be a great Jason Statham movie where they go to him and they were like listen you've got to come out of retirement there is a missus I know I swore I'd never come out of retirement again I'm sorry I'm done I'll never scuba diving again not after what happened to my sixth wife you don't understand Elton John is in danger we've secured out and there's a hot chick with him or I'll do it I've been Jason Stray from put on his bra increasing to clarify this is only to support the mental health above a bloke's increasingly Aaron Simpson is seeing request for extreme

submersive scenarios what yes correct under the iceberg that's the right response I want to propose to my fish wife one client has booked a one million pound kidnapping lasting three months three months is this supposed to be like real are they going to fucking mail his toes to his relatives is Elton John yeah you know you can if you if you pay forty thousand pounds a month to a cost year they can give you the kind of triangle wank that takes 90 days so that's about so that's what like Coney went right yeah so first look real first you are psycho profiled so we know your

extreme points and push buttons and you basically sign away to us that whatever we do will be appropriate just filling out the little st. James landing card here don't late like put away the late my guys going to like one of the only universities that does events management like Alma and being like well we like rented a pallet power military to kidnap this woman for three months and keep her like hostage in a shed and only fed her cure sponsored which is a bunch of people I just like all right you ready for a fucking extreme experience we're going to kidnap you and take you to the fucking upstairs room at Oceana

how many Yeager bombs do you think you can drink for it you're having seven love and a wkd poured in your arse strap the fuck in oh is that where andretate is from sorry Falmouth where andretate is from listen I don't care about your dodgy extreme activities anyway okay so they say that what we do won't be illegal but we'll put you through an experience I'm sure it won't I'm sure it won't and they have never this is the official position of the trash future podcast this company as far as we know has never done anything illegal

mmm which you can tell because they say that on their website I want you to remember that we said that as we go through the rest of the copy especially if any of you are lawyers mmm as they say they finish people are demanding to be taken to the edge of their normality the rich need to fucking stop real joker vibes right yeah every rich person is joker now they're all they're all deciding like if what's the group that the greatest freedom is to be like like extraordinarily renditioned by some drama students who need an extra bit of money I love it when all my kidnap is burst into song know how I got

the Sydney Harbor Bridge so here's here's another quote just ring time for ISIS here's another quote describing what their clientele want out of their experience purchase has says Aaron Simpson the most important thing to the very wealthy and successful is that they meet interesting energetic vibrant young people doesn't say how young yeah no it does not say how young crucially and we are making no implication as to that yeah I just they've left that on the table yeah I don't like how both segments have come back to pedos didn't come back there we didn't officially say it came back

there yeah we can't say whether or not it's come back there however the three share control of the firm with a company called world fuel services corporation which is a debt jet fuel distributor for private planes which hopes to use their connection to move into the private airport mark I love the definitely not doing anything illegal express speaking of which can again I like doing this I'm going to do it I'm going to do it probably one more time before this show is over can by acclamation can everyone get say if you believe that this is not Elliott's only run in with let's say the world of private aviation give me a

cheer if it's not his first run in give me a cheer you know he's in Epstein's black book he is actually an Epstein's black book that's actually a matter of public record Ben Elliott the owner of this company is in Jeffrey Epstein's I feel really sorry for like Epstein's coke dealer he's like look man I just brought in the coke I didn't like I'm not involved in the fucking god they always seem to end up in Epstein's little black book huh it just keeps damn it just keeps happening by coincidence Epstein really was the Regina George of all the rich and famous people Jeffrey Epstein's very own death note so here's

the thing it would be remiss if I didn't say that Ben Elliott has on record denied ever meeting Epstein personally in that exact specific language hmm and also he's on record as a dinner guest of a certain ten out of ten stone fox Ms. Glaine Maxwell so well I mean it's not technically meeting someone if you're all wearing masks who could say who was there well I mean all it but like the fact they say they can do anything right I think that there is all it would take is one class trader one super rich class trader on their one thousand pound because when you pay a thousand pounds a month you just get

like introduced to stuff that you can spend further money on that's all you can get if you're spending that much with quintessentially just say that you like want to go bowling with Glaine Maxwell then we can finally find out where she is so it's kind of like cameo for really rich people it's like it's like wish dot com for really rich people you pay a thousand pounds a month and it just suggests that you might buy would you like this gold inflatable jacuzzi I mean I do feel like this is like it's premium tier event bright that you buy your way and it's like do you want to be kidnapped for

90 days sounds a lot more exciting than do you want to randomly go to a comedy show you've never heard of so like when you book an Airbnb and it starts suggesting things to do in that city and it's like would you like to be kidnapped and taken to a private sex island I mean the thing is a lot of what they actually do also is just like sell access so like if you want to go to a comedy event at 10 Downing Street with Samantha Cameron in like 2016 yeah you could just buy your way in time travel shut the fuck up I want to go back to a simpler time and just shag Samantha Cameron just imagining like fucking

joley and more like frantically entering his credit card details like I just want to go back to when things were normal and have sex with a mum it's all I want back when my hands were free of Fox blood you what everyone my windmill ran pure and true about that about that event everyone forgets that he also clarified in a later tweet that he was wearing his wife's short kimono which to me adds a real a real level of interest to what I had mom did that somber Christmas more listen I may have beaten that fox to death but I did it in a ways to raise awareness look of the mental health struggles that in honestly far too

many blokes are going through right now and through and through services like quintessentially you can you can go watch joley and mom beat a fox to death of the baseball bat in a tiny kimono for charity hell yeah so here's the thing why is quintessentially in the news so the department for international trade is paying them like millions of pounds so that along with the ferry company with no boats yeah they there's met lots of good payments here to introduce White Hall officials to quote high net worth individuals so that they can network at the highest levels wait people in White Hall don't know any rich people news to

me the idea is that they want to use that influence to get them to invest in the UK so it's like yeah the guy the guy who invented you know a version of Twitter that has a slider for how civil you're being we're gonna like send him we're gonna send him on a hunting trip with Michael gov so then he'll like buy a mill yeah I love an app for civility that's being funded by a guy who basically is involved in poisoning dissidents like that's always fun I think you kind of like fly Matt Hancock to an iceberg with Michael Rappaport to see whether he would invest in invest in the UK might be really fun why not the best in like

UK music scene we need more white rapper hand gestures in here so they say using bespoke programs tailored to their specific interests and match making them with UK opportunities no opportunities no there's nothing you know oh shana and hell yeah there's yeah there's there's a you can get excitingly kidnapped but that's about it listen Michael Rappaport how many Jaeger bombs you reckon you can drink and so here's the thing this deal has also been secret and was like discovered by the Financial Times like some time ago it's been secret for four years and usually they would have to make a procurement like this public after 20

days but they didn't also I did some more research and did you know that the quintessentially quintessentially also has the quintessentially foundation because of course it does all of these fucking like rich monster companies that where the friend owner is friends of Jeffrey Epstein also have a questionable charity arm quintessentially foundation for kids what don't know anyone rich and so it has a charitable arm that sends money to Syria cool time to not ask any more questions about this organization that's been hired by the department for trade to do some nonsense in official

capacity well also sending money to Syria just here here it is it's it's it's you know what just here's the thing probably there's nothing nefarious but like when things are this opaque and weird and just caught up in self dealing you literally would have to be naive to rule out that they're doing some shit but that is actually not their most James Bond fill in thing they've ever done their most James Bond fill in thing that they've done to they haven't to they have a bull's laser you've got to pay so much money to get the ball laser I'm going to pay a million a million pounds for the experience of

almost having your balls cut off by a laser I really want a guy to throw a razor sharp bowler hat at me is that possible to arrange I would like to capture this this devious road runner but I'm like all of my equipment to go wrong I'd like to be able to seduce a woman I have a woman where as I as I chase foxes I must continually run into tunnels that have been painted on cliff faces nefariously I mean at a certain point though like the frivolous desires of rich people like it those from going from believable to completely insane as such a small distance travel it's like say I want to hijack a bridge in a

major city in Australia to I want Christopher walk into machine gun me while Duran Duran is playing in the background it's not that much distance to travel to be fair actually hijack a bridge in Australia is definitely the plot of an 80s action movie like Paul Hogan is the hero as the folks he has to get he has to get called up as is in the middle of gutting a snake and he's like they've done fucking what crikey I'll be right there so here's the thing was this business not sufficiently international water is he enough for you already I hope not because it's about to get more international water is

he hell yeah basically they're our base in the Bermuda Triangle they're building the world's largest yacht what does that even mean what is it because they building the yacht to take the people to that iceberg picnic to do Titanic to it does any way that you want to signal you're a normal person the thing that you do is get a yacht or build a yacht so the thing is if you're that international water see how big does the yacht need to be huge the world's biggest private yard you can use bunk beds the world's first post panamax yacht just like enormous container ship that somehow crashes while trying to take

Michael Rappaport to an iceberg the last thing we wanted to have happened so I was only on that yacht to get directions away from that yacht so basically if you're a quintessentially member who pays a $13,000 annual fee and you're accepted by a committee a secret committee so house yes but you'll secure comment pizza you'll secure no Milo's closest because you'll secure if you basically if you're vetted as trustworthy then you're allowed to go on then you are not admitted to the group so it's a yacht a nightclub a boutique hotel and also a permanent residence for eight billionaires to cruise it's an

old people cruise ship how do we build the yacht faster how do we get them on quicker sounds really good right now wait so it's like a it's like a yacht there's like a roaming home away from all jurisdictions for eight of the world's most wanted billionaires has like an innovative restaurant where all the weight is a robot yeah and you know you can just get however many pineal glands you want just brought right to your table also if I was a billionaire who people presumably wanted dead I wouldn't really want to put myself in a Robert Maxwell kind of situation that wouldn't be my 90s shoes in yourself in a

Ghislaine Maxwell situation it's different does the yacht work in like tears where like if you're a multimillionaire you get on tier one and if you're slightly richer you get a password for each one and if you end up on the wrong yacht and you have to like go among a committee who are all wearing cloaks and weird masks for some reason and it's a guy who's like blindfolded and playing the organ and there was never actually a password they were just testing you I mean again that's and all the weight is a haunted pita for the bit the bit of ho ho this is like eyes wide shut unfortunately it's it's an international

waters permanent home for eight billionaires that's selected by a committee of other billionaires of course it's eyes wide shot but I do love calm the idea that was always a documentary yeah it was always that's nobody told you life was gonna be this way you're living on a boat with eight other billionaires but just the idea that the eight of the richest people on the planet saw a water world in 1995 and they're like I want that fancy my only question is do I have to drink my own piss no it's just fine you can get an adrenochrone jackery so yeah and the idea is it will constantly be on a

three hundred and sixty five day year loop between the world's most prestigious destinations it's snow piercer it's it's a snow piercer but everyone's the driver except of course for the people who work there who will be presumably eating bugs or disappearing in mysterious circumstances you just know one of the island one of the like destinations is going to be somewhere really fucking suspicious like Angola and why does it keep docking there so much when M Thatcher mark that stops in Falmouth you know that we all right time to let fucking loose they'll be going it just isn't it very strange that an organization

that has an ostensible reason to be super good at kidnapping also has an international waters permanent home for a bunch of billionaires weird oh and also in the Epstein black book and knows Gillain Maxwell connected to the UK government and seems to be connected to some war zones also and again really good at kidnapping and didn't you say his aunt was Camilla Parker bowls yep family as well there you go it's the whole it's been every it's every it's every conspiracy me just unraveling registering from a school down to a pin miles away that's just labeled in the can disappearance

here's the other thing do you know who financed the creation of this yacht that's owned by a company that also coincidentally the owners in Epstein's black book and also was coincidentally really good at kidnapping michael bloomberg five anonymous billionaires hell yeah an organization called nerve here's the real ones know that real ones I was gonna save it like I'm looking forward to Toby young trying to talk his way into on this job because you know you know like there was a whole controversy about whether he was actually in the Epstein black book and he

never denied it I feel like he actually wanted to be in there the Epstein estate denied it they were like Jeffrey Epstein may have been a lot of things but he was not friends with Toby young listen let me just say I was invited to the island but I didn't want to go so let the record show that the pedophiles did like me personally but I was not into that I'm looking forward to like when not being let on the boat is a violation of free speed there's a union for that though he's you can unionize against the sex boat the free speech union accidentally saves the world from this boat where we don't know if any

crimes being committed on it but we don't know for sure that it's not by doing it because they're not allowed on so here's the thing and this is going back into the advertising copy of quintessentially there's more to being a billionaire than super yachts there is also drinking the blood of the week it's not just about sitting in the south of France and spraying champagne it's about making a difference it's not going to fall with a doubting yeah the lives of children everywhere mindful mindful mindful entrepreneurialism is a big thing at the moment yeah you just be an evil billionaire why do you have to do

fucking yoga at this point at this point I'd rather they were just like yep we're taking the adrena crone there's very little you can do about it it was the pizza restaurant those crazy people were right the vegan the vegan billionaire is a deeply cursed in energy like this ship is cruelty free to animals yeah the the the vegan billionaires like yeah it's actually it's adrena crone but it's made of soy so the very wealthy understand that they rely on the communities in which they make their money so they have to give back I like that they typed exploit synonym and found rely word hippo word hippo and where can their refined

members be found this is now from a tatler article taking the last seat in the hottest restaurant in town previewing an exhibition or jetting off to a far flying escape maybe but when it comes to the members of quint essentially the company that punk pioneered the modern concierge service the answer might be somewhere even more exclusive and crucially more meaningful turns out the secret to getting a table at Dorsey it was being a pedophile for quint essentially a company that put millennial CEO Anastasia Seabalm at the helm excuse me name I think I think I think I think we just have a German name I don't think

this is a funny name not like Tim Brunk seeing some bone the height of luxury is more often about peace and progress than parties and playtime or indeed playpen so rubbing shoulders with the famous is often trumped by being introduced to leaders in trailblazers rubbing shoulders with the famous would be a great Joe Biden autobiography title yeah so you know we're not we're not just trying to like get drunk with people anymore we're trying to buy access to them wellness retreats with sought after specialists are the new destination of choice and networking events with CEO's are the hottest tickets in town I love

that I'm I'm I'm a billionaire I have I'm I'm I'm an extremely rich person I can afford not even necessarily a billionaire but I'm an extremely rich person I can afford a hundred thousand pounds a month on people who will like tell me what restaurant to go to and I want to be introduced to Mark Zuckerberg a man who had to be taught how to make toast normal that seems like it seems like the rich forgot how to be evil and hedonistic because like I don't I don't I actually I don't I don't know I mean I can't say I don't think that the people in quintessentially are doing anything particularly evil I think they don't know

how not to look evil which is hilarious I reckon let's just say hypothetically that you know this is a billionaire pedophile conspiracy I mean I'm not saying that it is legally but let's just say hypothetically if it were to be that I reckon if you let Mark Zuckerberg on to that boat he's one of the few people who could freak out the billionaire pedophiles you can take a master class in photography where instead of sourcing a photographer to take pictures of you members can become the opera had the opportunity to become a photographer and master a new skill skill shot they're also boring there's none of this

like hostile like hostile that was quite fun it seemed yeah whereas this is all quite like oh you can go on a big boat like a big boat to take a photography class so I feel like encouraging photographic evidence isn't a great it also is a great move it blows my mind I mean I don't know who they're marketing it to because the idea they're like oh you know what billionaires do they just do group on every night billionaires love pizza and comedy adjust the tenor well also it's like it's taken the idea like remember in the Renaissance period like rich people would be patrons of the arts and they would

still suck and be evil and horrible and shit but like at least through their selfish consumption we like have Bernini now but like based on this model of rich people patronage we're just going to have like the photography of the Queen's granddaughter somehow to like remember is like oh yeah it's a poorly framed photo of a deck chair called profundity we'll have like podcast we'll have like podcasting workshops and then there'll be like more podcasts oh hell yeah I would love that like mom's basement but they're all billionaires it's just Jeff Bezos going like listen man like you know I like when Steve Jobs

died man that was fucking crazy like I smoked like nine joints that day and I still didn't I still didn't get my buzz on man it was fucking all phase Bezos huh that's for the stage a break from font for a break from fine dining members have enjoyed an introduction to Tom carriage for advice on healthy eating and sober conscious entertaining but you can see that on the BBC so again everything they'll do will suck taught like these great chefs and photographers are going to teach them like one or two tricks it's going to cost an enormous amount of money and then like it's just going to be people

feeling good about making bad shit I'm going to love it when like someone gets paid a million dollars to do a scooby-doo workshop for billionaires but I mean it also operates nice key ring Jeff did you make that yourself it also operates on the assumption that people with this kind of money want to do rational fun things like normal people it's like whereas all the evidence we've seen so far in the case of billionaires a more common use of their money would be like build a cult and make them all eat road to kill like that's the kind of brain length they're operating on as opposed to extremely popular in American Samoa

well you have a lot of free time I mean it's obviously that's very funny but it's also like a really curious statistic like what was it about like the people of American Samoa that Michael Bloomberg appealed to them above all like the residents of a tropical island that soon to be subsumed by the sea well like this five foot four billionaire guy really fucking speaks to me yeah they're about to be subsumed by the sea they need everyone to drink smaller sodas what happened was he brought the bro he brought the Bloomberg terminal to American Samoa

that was really into trading so for a break from fine dining our members have I'm sorry at the other end of the spectrum we arrange a bespoke champagne experience but that focused on inspiring female pioneers every day is a school day forever for everyone fancy like oh it's six it's like fancy prosecco months isn't it yeah what if it was what if it was the Oregon Trail but it's all women game changing wellness experiences are also an offer including a sleep master class with Lancer Hoff at the arts club sorry that was just words

or a stay at song saw a private island resort where guests could support the creation of renewable energy and contribute to local education programs huh so just more more being allowed near children there's more being there's more more island stuff it's island time baby imagine Mark Zuckerberg teaching like children like code wouldn't even be creepy it'd be weird stuff about like repressed anger from like his Harvard days when he didn't match with anyone on the like app he made it's just tormenting children like you want to make a really good app you'll be really gonna go to get a shave your eyebrows do it now there's

like there's two kids who are identical twins who he's just like ragging on constantly for reasons that no one understands little pieces of shit fucking look in the same little bitch I'm looking for it's like Andrew Tate teaching like a kickboxing class at this on this yarn so but it basically sounds like it's like pay a thousand pounds a month to have a service you can pay extra hundreds of so you can write a really great application essay to an Ivy League school or something yeah everyone's all I know everyone it basically they're not getting joker five they're getting Pete booted gejified everyone's just all

because like no one who does no one who does anything can be good at it the chefs can't be just professional chefs like you can't be like a like a photographer being good at it you can't like do renewable energy or teaching like children on some private resort island to be good at it you have to be a billionaire dilaton who's just like existentially bored and pays a hundred thousand pounds a month to like you know that the Queen's nephew and then like a couple of his idiot friends to come and like send you abroad while they finance their very secret billionaire permanent home base that's drifting

between like you know bokeh me and grove in the con film festival so basically it's teach for America semester at sea and Mad Max Fury Road all in one and noting the time I think that might actually be all we have time for for today so I want to first of all thank Molly Goodfellow very much for coming and being with us today to thank all of you for coming out here today and braving the massive risks to life lemon long and yeah thanks a lot you've been this has been trash future have a splendid evening you