Triforce! - Crystal's Locksmith and Escort | Triforce #358

Episode Date: June 24, 2026

Triforce! Episode 358! Pyrion, fresh from a fancy Jingle Jam Mixer, gets locked out of his own house for hours but knows a very unorthadox locksmith, Sips has been watching documentaries about the scum at Thames Water, Elon's back with a brand new scam and Lew's back with some Tech News! Take control of your income. Start selling for $1/month at http://shopify.com/triforce Go to http://buyraycon.com/triforceOPEN to get 15% off Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax. Hello everyone and welcome back to the TriForce podcast where I'm broadcasting from a plastic box once again in my unfinished living room. Well like a little rubber made container. Don't have a coffee table. I picture you sitting in a in a plastic container in the middle of an empty room with a headset on and a laptop on your knees but you're all like kind of you're sort of curled up in a ball sitting in a little plastic container.

It's bad. I'm living, I don't have a wardrobe really. I'm living out of like a suitcase still. I've been like, you know, living out of like kind of, kind of, I've got piles of clothes and stuff. And I've got a couple of like temporary hangers, little IKEA clothes hanger things. Nice. Man, it feels I'm getting to the point where I'm losing my mind.

I'm watching out the window for the scaffolding men to come. Yeah. And scaffolding is going to be applied to my house to fix a leaking roof. Oh, the leaking roof. Right. Yeah. It's not, doesn't leak a lot, but it leaks when it's heavy rain. Right.

And I was like, I got a guy around. That's, that's precisely when. when you want it not to leak. He basically said, you know, this roof needed to be replaced 10 years ago, but they applied this, like, temporary patch to it, you know what, to make it last a little bit longer. And it really needs to be replaced. So I was like, what they're going to replace it with?

And he was like, oh, we're going to use, you know, lead. And I was like, lead. Apparently, that is still a thing that roof is, it's very standard. Oh, for the roof. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a lot lead. It's because it's malleable. It's soft.

It blew my mind that that was the technology. that we're still using it. Because I thought he was going to say, oh, yeah, we got this cool carbon fiber plate or whatever, do I mean? I thought there was going to be some... I think it's easier to shape.

I don't think it russ and it's very long-lasting. It's usually that flat bit that you see like below the windows and stuff. The flashing bit, yeah. So where you've got the tiles that meet like a chimney or a corner, you need something to cover the edge. What a fascinating opening to the podcast. I know. Have you ever seen...

considered getting that, you know, like that, that kind of like hardened, like resin. It's like a, it almost looks like a fabric weave and then they paint over it with like a, like a like a resin that forms a hard shell. That roof, that roofing is pretty nice. They usually coat like the hull of the boat with that kind of shit, you know. I mean, I've had a lot of people come in and do some great stuff, you know, so far, but there's just so much still to do in terms of like I don't have an oven. well, a kitchen at all really.

You need to get some of these jobs done before the real summer hits and you start getting into nightly candlelight suppers with you and your neighbors and all of your friends and stuff. You have to make sure that everything is. Yes, I want to make the most of it. I guess I could just have cookouts in the summer. I could just eat barbecues outside. You could.

You could. A lot of people do that. I spent a good amount of time outside on Tuesday. evening. Wow. Because we went, Lulu was there as well, along with a bunch of other yogs. We went to the jingle jam. What would you describe that event as?

We call it a mixer. It was a mixer. And also award giving. Right. So there was like loads of people there. Mousie was there. Harry was there, Dav. Nice.

So it was one third content creators, one third game developers, one third charities and one third charities and support surrounding people like Tiltify and all the stuff. We do this every year. We did it in London this time. Yeah. Please do it in London every time. It was great. Really good.

It was... Artie game was there. I mean, I had to get... I mean, it was a long... I mean, it took me three hours to get down and then it got back about 1am. It was not... I mean, for you, Pialexes, it was lovely. No, no, no, no, no, no.

It sounds like I'm being selfish here, but I spent... I'm chatting to a lot of people and all of the charity people and a lot of the content creators were like, it's so good that it's in London, because we live just an hour away or half an hour away or our officers are here. So we came here from the offices. It was just, I think it's better as a central place. And it's got a little bit of that pizzazz,

a little bit of that London glamour. So people go out of their way to turn up. I met Miles Jacobson, for example, maker of football manager, one of my all-time game dev heroes was there. Really? Yeah, he was outside. I was vaping.

From sports director. Yeah, I looked to my left. There's Miles Jacobson. And I looked at him. And I've not met someone like that in a long time where I was like, I know that person. He looked at me and he saw me looking at him. He said, Miles Jacobson, Sports Interactive. I was like, oh, my God.

I was like, your games are the only ones I put more hours into than Dota. I was really fan. Yeah, when we did this, when you showed me that you had like 10,000 hours in each of those games, both 17, 18 and 19, I was like, I can't believe it. FN12 was number one. That was my friend. That was when the kids were very, little, and I was still spending a lot of time just sitting around at home.

I would play that game all day. So my happiest memories of that game are about them. But yeah, but there were a bunch of people, including, I'd like to say, shout out to, shout out to the lovely young lady working for WWF, who is a massive TriForce fan. Thank you so much. Oh, really? Nice. I mean, yeah, this guy has obviously done, you know, charity work before he's in, you know,

I don't know if we announced the charities for this year, but one of the, of the other charities he works with is in Jingle Jam this year. It was a nice excuse to get everyone networking and talking to each other. It was really, really good. It really creates... Man, that sounds really good. I'm glad you guys had such a good time. I didn't even get invited, so it's nice to hear about all this cool stuff that you guys have been doing. It was on Discord. Anyone can go. You should check the Discord. Who makes it? Did you run your own fundraiser last year? You did, didn't you? Yeah, I did, yeah. For calm. Did you raise over 10,000 pounds? Because you're during awards, I think,

in that case. No, I don't know if I did, actually. I think we might have been shy of that, of that large number. Oh, well, fuck you then. Well, it's already, the fuck you's already been delivered by not being invited to the thing. So, uh, I wasn't invited. You could have gone. Oh, you crashed it.

No, no, it wasn't like invited. It was like, it was put out there saying if anyone wants to go respond RSVP and IRSVP. God. You need to buck your ideas up next year. Yeah, buck your fucking ideas up. Maybe somebody should just fucking invite me. How about that? I'm not a vampire or anything, but like, just fucking tell me that something's happening and maybe

I'll go. I mean, geez. Well, get this. I paid the price for going out. So, we have a bit of a thing with keys in this house. Every family's got their thing. Our weird thing is a lot of the time we go out without a key and we like knock and ring and people have to let us in.

My kids have keys. Never take them. I always have to go let them in. Mrs. F never takes a key with her. So I've fallen into this habit of not taking a key. I'm heading out the other night to head into London. and to meet up with Lulu and everybody else.

And I say to my kids, the last thing I say to them, I haven't got a key. If it gets late and everyone's going to bed, leave a key in a hidden spot for me out front and I'll let myself in. Yeah, yeah. I was like, don't forget and tell your mom.

They were like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course I get back at midnight. No key. Oh, man. Bringing the doorbell. Bring the doorbell. And I was annoyed to ring the doorbell. I was going to wake up Mrs. F.

She's got work and everything like that. The kids are asleep. Nothing. It took me two hours. to get them to let me in. I was throwing little rocks up at the window. I was calling. Holy shit.

Both my kids had an open window, didn't hear shit. I'm ringing the door fell like crazy. I'm hammering on the door. I climbed up. How late did you get back? I got back just before midnight because the bus... It was on the way back. I'm heading back from Richmond to Twickers.

I'm on the bus. How are your family such early sleepers? I'm impressed. Well, they go to bed at 9, 30, 10 o'clock. My youngest will stay up a bit, but the other two might get. 30, 10 o'clock, man, that's so early. I know. They really like to get their nut down early.

Yeah, get their nut down. Fair enough. We're on the bus, and it just stops. That's get my nut down early as well. Yeah. He's just on the phone for 20 minutes. Good one. The bus driver.

He's not telling us what's happening. So we're all waiting for the bus to keep going. And in the end, he turns around and he goes, oh, yeah, sorry, no, the bus is broken down. There's another one coming. I was like, why didn't you tell us that 20 minutes ago? I could have walked. It's ridiculous. So I get back, I'm already a little pissed off.

Literally two hours. I climbed up on the window sill of the downstairs windows, and there was a long stick for the dog. I'm tapping my son's window like bang, bang, bang, bang, nothing. Nothing. I threw a wellie at the window, nothing. So finally I found out that there's a noise setting for the doorbell. When you change the volume of the doorbell, the internal doorbell,

it makes like this whoop-whoop-whoop noise so you can gauge how loud it is. I had to do that a hundred times. Nothing. Eventually, I just hammer the door so hard. I think I'm going to break it. Then he comes down and says, he's like, fucking locked me out, you little shit. Like, what the hell?

I was so, so upset. Man, you should have done that. You should have done like on National Ampoon's Christmas vacation where you're locked out. And so you had to go in the shed and then you find some old slides, like some old family vacation slides. The music starts playing and shit.

Like, you should have done that. You could have done that all night. I couldn't get into the shed. It's locked. Oh, man. Of course, I didn't have my key. But it was just for a while, I thought, I'm going to have to sleep on my front doorstep. I just live here.

I felt really sad. And then it started to rain. It got a little bit cold. And I was like, fuck this. I'm just going to hit the door until someone lets me in. Fuck my name. I mean, this is obviously very good security that you've got, right? And I mean, this is the choice, right?

You could either leave a key with a neighbor. Right, but I don't want to wake them up at that time, I know. And then you've got the options of, you know, have one under a flower pot or the doormats. or hidden somewhere. You know, that's a common thing people do, especially if they've got like a big shed full of crap. Yeah. They can put a key at the bottom of a jam jar

and no one will fucking know. Or you just know that you leave a window open. One of the windows doesn't lock properly. You know, you mean to get it fixed. But like, you know, it's actually a quite a useful get out of jail free card. If it, you know, that sort of thing. A lot of people have that. And so I guess you have to balance that, don't you?

But in your case, you've clearly got very good security. Yeah, no, I did think, I'm glad that I can't break into my house. Like, I did feel good about that. that's such a good opportunity that you kind of missed out because you could have like been that would have been such a good opportunity to um have a prostitute at a hotel you could have been like i was locked out it's your fault i had to do that it was sleep rough i mean what my meant it is those are the two options that's it i'm a simple guy i either get into my house or i'm sleeping with a prostitute in a hotel you it's your choice don't forget to hide the

key next time. Yeah, next time they wouldn't bloody forget. Yeah, right. With the prostitute. Hi, Crystal. They've locked me out again. Hide this in your vagina.

Yeah. Oh, fuck sick. Sorry. Sorry about that. But the other thing that happened was the Triforce March, the 10-year anniversary of Triforce. Did I tell you that?

Yes, I saw that. This was one of the funniest things I've seen on Reddit for a long time. We talked about it very briefly last I was told that you turned up to it and nobody showed. I went there on the day of the march. I timed, I think it was on Sunday, Saturday or Sunday. And I thought, I said to my youngest, she's a good gauge of these things because she's young and cool. I said, there's some people are doing like a march through London.

It's like 10 miles to celebrate 10 years. They're going to go past 10 bridges in London. Should I go along? She was like, how many people are going to be there? I said, I don't know. It could be 10 or 12. could be just a couple of people. She said, what you should do is go to the pub and peek in.

And if you can see a group of people, you should go and say hi. If it's just like a couple of people, you should just leave. I was like, no, I think I should go and say hi. She was like, no, no, no. She's great. She was like, she's way ahead of her time. That's crazy. But she was like, it would be so lame if there was only two people.

So I was like, no, that would be fun. That would be, and that would be hilarious if it's like, here's our tri-fors fan, the march of two people. So I go to the pub. So the plan was to go to the end of the march, right? So you're not going on any of the march with them. You just want to tell by the end. There's a little special treat.

Exactly. Oh, look who's waiting at the last stop. You wanted to be, if enough people did the march, you wanted them to arrive at the pub and be like, wow, what a great surprise. It's period. It's a nice way to say thank you for listening. And also, it was in Putney. And I got the impression that they'd planned the route to end somewhere near southwest London. on the off chance that maybe I could come by.

That was my, I was trying to read between the lines and think, maybe that's where they did. They didn't want to march directly past your house, but they wanted to march somewhere reachable, you know, for you. Your house, though, has very good security, so you don't need to worry about them. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Right. So I get to the pub at just a bit before half six, and I'd been tracking them on their updates. They've been posting on the Yuxcast subreddit and the TriFor's subreddit. Let me tell. So two things. First of all, the sign that they had made looked like they had just torn a piece of cardboard off a spare box. It looks like a proper hobo sign.

It was like a cold and hungry. Please help. That was literally the quality of the sign. And in all the update pictures, all you can see is this sign and a landmark. No pictures of the people on the march. There's no picture of like a group of slightly sweaty nerds hunched over thumbs up. Like, yeah, we're still doing it. And I thought, there's probably like one or two people doing this.

doing this, but that would be even funnier. So I'm looking at their last update, and I time it. I'm like, okay, I look on Google Maps. Yeah, I should take them about this time. They'll be there about this time. I'm at the pub for an hour. I order a pint of Stoford Press, which is shit cider. That's the only one they have on the tap.

Two pound 48, amazing bargain. Thank you. God, you know. I think that was the main takeaway. Yeah, I couldn't believe it. Price of that cider. I mean, you could have three pints for the cost of one normal London pint. That's how wild that is.

You could buy a round of drinks for four people and get changed from a tenor. You cannot argue with that value. You really can't. So I'm there for an hour waiting. No sign of these nerds. So I'm like, I'll just fucking go. So I took a picture and I posted it on the Yogs Reddit, you know, asked me anything. I just got stood up basically by the Trifor Smarch.

An hour later, they turned up. They made it. So we just missed each other. But it was very, very funny. How many of them were there? It was very funny. I think there were four. So one of the funny things is that they sort of, when they talked about it,

they were saying, oh, at this point we doubled in size. At this point, by this point, we'd quadrupled in size. But actually, I think it went from one to four. Or maybe two to eight at best. Man, bless them, though. They've not written in. That is, it is funny. I know.

It's a nice thing to do. It's funny as fuck. I was like, whatever happens here, if it's a bunch of people, cool, I'll say hi to them. If it's one or two lads, I'll be like, lads, thank you so much. You guys are the hardcore TriForce fans. Thanks for even trying this. And hang out and have a pint of these lights. I love that it was a march.

I was musing on this on stream the other day that it would be funny if like a bunch of radical left anti-protesters turned up. They met like the counter-tryphor's march. It would be so funny if there was a counter protest. Yeah. All they do was talk about their bath plug. They keep a beating themselves. There's hundreds of people who were furious with us.

Down with Triphors. Down with Triphors. Damn with Triphold. Talking about football again. music is you warning. Fuck you period

flex. I emailed it three times I didn't even reply. Boo! Oh, that's great. Yeah,

that's so great. Yeah, but I just want to say that like, I know you guys I want to do like a live show or whatever, but like

four to eight people so it's going to have a whole we're going to have an auditorium booked out and they'll it's just going to be like tumbleweed city. We would absolutely sell out 100%.

A hundred percent. Also, we were promoted. They barely promoted the march. It wasn't promoted. I don't know. I mean, we mentioned it and stuff too. No, we didn't get it? It was,

we did last week. This march was massively promoted. I couldn't see anything else on the bloody supper at it for like a week. It was not. The first time I saw the sort of post, I thought it was an advert and scrolled past it. Like, that was one point.

I think a lot of people fell into that. Either that one old as far as far. You thought it was like a promoted thing. I think it was just right. Yeah. But yeah, I don't think it's... Oh, man. Because the thing is, if we...

I don't think they'd announced it two weeks ago, and our episode went out yesterday. So I don't... I don't think we could have possibly... Oh, so. By the time it came out... No, I think it was pretty quick. The march had already taken place.

I think so, yeah. Yeah, it's like, you know, we are a week behind on the podcast, at best. There was a guy on the couple of guys on the Patreon who requested a refund because an episode hadn't gone out. And I was like, yeah, go for it. Do you know what I mean? Don't do that.

Don't do that. Yeah. No refunds. They're refunded people. I'm refunded people. You bought it. You own it. That's it.

No refunds. Thank you for the support. Wait, so one episode didn't come out and they want a refund. Well, we remember it goes out early on the Patreon. What kind of babies do we have on the Patreon? Nice, very supportive. Giant babies. Just only the sweetest babies.

Yeah. I'll tell you what, if they're on the Patreon, I will not insult you ever again. We, I mean, we, I mean, we, We really should do some sort of bonus episodes, but we just haven't been completely ass. We barely have enough time to record the regular show. Yeah, most weeks, something will come up where it's like, I might not be able to record a Thursday.

I mean, I've said this before. We don't have to do it on a Thursday, but we've just made that our recording day. We've been doing it on a Thursday for 10 years. I know. That's the thing. My whole week is like hinged around this one moment. I plan around it as well. Yeah, same.

Like, I do the, me and Ben record. after this and I plan things in the afternoon around this recording. Yeah. And I think, yeah, I think moving it would obviously cause chaos. My friend Richard phoned me last week and it's like, hey, do you want to do some... Big Dick on the phone? Yeah, Big Dick was on the phone. He's like, hey, you want to do some hot air ballooning on Thursday morning around the world,

the trip around the world? And I was like, sorry, Dick, I can't do it. Sorry, B, me. Yeah. Oh, that's the reason. That's the reason. Yeah, just can't do it.

You got a prostitute booked near a hotel. I was locked out. Crystal's got my key. I've got to pay for a one hour out call. I'll see you guys. So did you, football very briefly,

did you watch the game last? Did you shoot a fucking game off? I watched it. Yeah, I watched it. I'm not speaking about football. I get enough shit as it is. I never talk about it.

I really enjoyed it. Much to the chagrin of my partner who was like, rolling her eyes and say, why are you watching this? This is not the Lewis I know. I did watch the first England at the World Cup. You've got to watch it.

It was England versus Croatia. Yeah. It was pretty much the same as I've watched when I was about 12 years old. Honestly, you know, a bunch, it's the same thing. It's like watching. They've not even some of the same faces potentially as well. I'll take away from it. They do.

feel fitter. They feel like they've run around a lot more than they used to. Maybe that's just me. I think they're more athletic. England's team were a bunch of young bucks. They have a lot of young youngsters on their team. No, this is the most experienced.

This is the most experienced. This is the most experience. They were all smoking away. You know, they'd go out like a full, like Gaza for a full night drinking and smoking off for every game. Do you know what I mean? It was a different time. It was.

Whereas now they're all like coddled and they're eating salads and stuff. Also, I remember ahead of, why have you guys got me talking about football? I don't. You can't help it. You got World Cup fever. You got football fever, baby. Look, we got football fever for five minutes.

How about that? They're playing Vindaloo on the radio yesterday. I'll put the timer on. I can't. No, a number of my family dancing to it as well. People are going to email me and people are going to complain and I just don't fucking need it right now.

So, right. Soccer. Go, go. Fuck off, soccer. What are you talking about? Are you trying to engage me? Is this rage bait engagement? Is that what this is?

I remember, anyone will remember, going back even 15 or 20 years or something, the big thing before the tournament was, it's going to be hot out there, it's going to be very hot out of there, how old of that's going to imagine, it's 25 degrees out there, yes, the sun comes out there, what are they going to do? And now we've got hydration breaks. Air-conditioned stadiums in America, so it's fine. But air-conditioned stadium, but we still had a fucking hydration break. And some people are saying, oh, I think it's good to get a hydration break.

It's healthy. You're all the booing. Every time the hydration is just for adverts. It starts the booing. Yeah. Oh, right. That's all it is. We don't run ads.

They do. Americans are used to watching sports that are split into four parts. So they have their big ad breaks. So they've just tried to do that with football as well. Anyway, let's stop talking about football. What else do you want to talk about? Oh, God. There's nothing else happening in my life.

What is there to talk? else to talk about. We watched the football. We're not even big football fans. I enjoyed the match. Lewis, did you also enjoy the match? Yeah, I enjoyed the match. It was exciting. Lots of ups and downs. It was, uh, it was a good one. I thought it was really good. It's probably, probably the best match I've watched so far in this World Cup. And there's been some good ones, but this one is particularly exciting that I noticed. The ball. Yeah. Why does the ball, and is it me, but why does the ball look like it's computer generated? It's like flickering around. like blurry as far.

What are you talking about? Are you watching in SD or something? It's like Tronball. It's like it phases in and out. It's not flickering. I think that leads got into your drinking water or something. There's nothing wrong with the ball. It's not flickering about.

It was weird. It looked like we were, it looked like I could see through the Matrix. It was like one of them, I was like, if we in a computer generation, is this like a floor? You know what I mean? Did you have mushrooms for dinner? Is that what you had was mushrooms for dinner? I did have a visit from one of my friends who turned up and had been having some mushrooms. And he was high as fuck.

Right. And I was like, dude. How did you make it here? You just turned up at your house in the state. He was like, hi, Lewis. It's me your old friend mushroom guy. I am so high right now. Yeah.

He's really high. And then he left and he left his jacket with his keys and his wallet in it. And so I had to call him back. You're locked out. He came back to pick it up. What if Crystal actually just jingles and jangles around with, she's got so many keys up in her, up in her foof. She just works the neighborhoods where she knows that people are getting locked out of their houses.

She's got a uterus like a janitor. It's just stuffed with keys. It's like a locksmith except you also get to have sex to get your keys back. Oh, hell yeah. You know, what is the deal, by the way? What's the deal with prostitutes? If you Google London escorts, there's all these ways. websites. I thought it was against the law. How are they just running a website?

They're non-sexual. My partner's not going to enjoy this. Your partner is a non-sexual escort? My London escorts. Okay. You can hire somebody to accompany you to like a, like a ball or something like that. I think that's fine. I think you're allowed to do that. You should have brought a date to the Jiggle Jail Mix. Oh my God. That would have been funny. This is Crystal. You should have hired out the cheeky girls for that one. Why is she jangling? Why is she jangling? I'm jangling. Where's got my keys? Imagine turning up to that with the cheeky girls and both of the cheeky girls are jangling. It's like, I got two houses.

Well, it saves them having to carry a bag. Do I mean, they've got that sheer dress on and no pockets. Where else are they going to put their keys? That's true. That's true. Well, like I said, women stash a lot of stuff in their bra. Like, that's a common stash spot. Is you put your phone down there or something that you need to stash it in the bra?

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Can I say to you guys that this week I have been watching, I watched that Channel 4 drama, almost like doc you thing about the crime, the crime one called Married at First Sight. No, no, I didn't watch that one. I watched the, it was called Dirty Business about the water companies, Thameswater and Southwest. Have you guys seen it? No, they're fucking scum, no, town. They are fucking scum, yeah. But the thing is good.

It's a three, three parts series to get it on four on demand. I think it came out a couple of months ago, but really, really good. And it's, it's all based on, you know,

real stuff. And yeah, the guys that it sort of follows are these two, two homeowners that live on the, what you call them? Homeowners. They own, they own their homes along the wind rush river.

And, And they got to chatting one day and they were just saying that what the hell has happened to this river? Like it used to be crystal clear. Used to be able to see all the fish and everything. And now it's just brown. Like it looks like it looks like shit. And so they started looking into it. And one of them is like a like a computer modeling professor retired.

And another one. And the other guy was like a he used to do like some sort of like police officer. but like a investigator, you know, like major crimes sort of investigator retired as well. And so they started sort of poking around looking into why this might be. And they started requesting the data from Thames Water for, you know, illegal dumping and stuff like that. And he made this, he modeled all the data using some, you know, some sort of like AI thing that he created a while ago for this other company he's working for. And that's how they kind of, they blew it all open. You know, they, they, they compiled all this, all this data and they could see that there was just like times where, you know, they, they maintain like, oh, it's legal for us to dump raw sewage into the rivers and ocean during like a storm or whatever.

And, and they're like, well, no, you're, you're not meant to to do that at all. It's like, like, like, the only condition where that's acceptable is like, during some sort of like, you know, catastrophe, you know, like some not, not regular weather. They're absolutely big. Yeah, yeah, they'll do anything they can to try to save face or whatever. But yeah, they found that they were, there was times where they were just like free dumping for like months and stuff. It's just insane. And then they also started to almost like expose the environmental agency for not investigating any of this either. You know, they were they were sort of complicit with it and they were charging the water companies more for the license fee.

So they were making all this extra money, but there was no more site inspections. They had this thing where they were like, okay, well, if you break the law, you have to let us know. It was like this self-monitoring thing that's apparently still going. I still don't understand why that's the thing. Like the number of industries that have this, their sort of oversight, the body of oversight, the body of oversight, like their ombudsman, if you like. Yeah. Is run and owned by them.

Yes. In this case, absolutely. It's the dumbest thing. The whole institution that's meant to make sure that they're not fucking up is run by them. How is that legal? I know. But they're talking about it's all these huge hedge fund companies like from Australia and stuff that have bought all of the water companies. But they just asset flip them every couple of years.

Oh, my God. They buy them. They strip them down. Private equity is a fucking nightmare. Off land to, you know, property developers and stuff like that. They don't invest back into the system. No. But then they're always saying like, oh, we can't help it.

You know, the system's all Victorian. Like, apparently only like 10% of the network is still Victorian. But they still haven't invested in it since before 2000. That's the problem. They would never do that. They can't get rid of it. No, they would never do that because the point is with private equity is that they need to show a massive return in a short space of time.

So they get this shit. They strip the hell out of it. This makes their money in the short term. Then they dump it. It doesn't matter. They've made money for the... They don't give a shit. But apparently, England and Wales are the only countries in the world where their water is not publicly owned.

None of our shits owned by us, even. Even like Scotland and Northern Ireland, it's publicly owned the water. But England and Wales are the only ones. We sold off everything we had so fucking first. We sold it. fucking Thatcher didn't. I mean the UK. I mean the UK.

Oh, well, football and politics in the same podcast. It's just gone right down here. We can make it even worse. We can talk about Elon Musk. Oh, God. Because did you see the SpaceX IPO? Yes.

The biggest fucking con ever carried out. For those of, exactly. It's fascinating stuff because this is obviously the biggest company in the world, by some margin. It's a rocket company that also is actually makes. The only money it makes is from satellite internet from Starlink. So this is the SpaceX IPO. Basically, it's Elon Musk's SpaceX rocket company, right? That he said he was never going to sell until he got to Mars or whatever.

But all the investors who've put this money in need to get their money back there, get their investment back. Right. And so what he's been doing is amalgamating all of his shitty businesses under this heading. So SpaceX owns Starlink XAI, which is his grok AI, which is the one which is building these data centers. He's basically got gas generators and petrol generators outside them, just rushing to make these really shit generators to sell that to other AI generation. And then obviously what used to be Twitter. So it's four businesses, none of which make any money really.

Starlink does make a little bit of money. But comparatively to the $2 trillion. value of SpaceX. We're living in a dream world. And one of the worst things about this whole thing, which I'm sure you've read, is that now it's this huge, huge company. It's on the stock exchange, right? It's being fast-tracked onto the stock exchange. Now, normally, companies joining the S&P 500 or their NASDAQ have what's called a seasoning period where the market finds their value before everyone's legally required to buy them, right? Everyone's retirement funds and index funds have to legally own a shares of all of the things in these

indexes. And so the whole point was that it would take time to find its true value before a load of people were left holding the bag. So basically, what's happening is all of the corrupt people who invested in SpaceX and all these other things and inflated the value massively are now handing that bag over to retirees who will then, when this thing eventually pops, as it will because there's a worthless business. They're all going to, they, all these rich people are not going to end up paying anything or losing anything. It's, it's an absolute scam and it is shocking. Yep.

I agree. It's crazy. I'm going to make a lot of money off of this, so I don't mind it so much. We are legally required to own it because we don't have American retirement accounts, but the average American, I guess. It's like a NASDA, so what is it, the footseat? And I wouldn't be surprised if, like, you know, my pension fund was invested in it somehow. Do you know what I mean? I've got pension fund that's invested in, like, global equities or whatever.

Do you? Do you have a pension, Sips? No, I don't have one, no. Oh, shit. I used to have one when I worked for a company. I have a private pension. You can just pay in whatever you want a month. It makes much more sense than not having it.

I'll get like a government pension, though. You want to live on that? Well, I'm not going to live on that, but I'll get it anyway. You'll die on that. Yeah. Well, I'll die on that. I mean, that's... Well, effectively, pension funds here in the UK,

and certainly in other countries, are tax-free. And I don't know, other than your tax-free anyway, in Jersey, aren't you? So what's the point? Well, I mean, yeah, well, I don't know. I think it's not... I think ours here is not tax-free, and our income is not tax-free either.

It's tax-free for people not from here. Which amazing, is that? Yeah, from Jersey, famously not a tax haven, famously. Well, it's not a tax haven. tax haven for the people living. Yeah, that's it. But you guys ain't paying the same taxes as what we pay on the mainland. 20% yes.

Listen, you know what it's like, P-Flex? The world is fucked up and the rich people can get away with police, fire, roads. We got like our own like health coverage, social health coverage and stuff here too. Right, but hold on, hold on. So Jersey is definitely a tax haven. Are you saying that living on Jersey, you get no benefit from that? No, because the tax, the point of a tax haven is for people who are rich, like expats mainly, like people who might say go to like Dubai or whatever and have money and don't want to pay tax

back to the UK, for example. So you can store your money here and like the UK government have no right to access your financial data that's stored in Jersey. It's like an offshore jurisdiction. I don't think you have any capital gains, though, do you either? Oh, wait. So it has 0% corporate tax. Zero percent corporate tax if you run a company here. But that's only for companies that don't buy property or offer financial services.

So there's no capital gains tax, no inheritance tax either. And the max personal income tax rate is 20%. So just to be honest, like that, that is pretty. Actually, since that's pretty nuts. It's nuts. I pay about 50%. Yeah, I know. Because you pay corporate tax as well.

I should have moved to Jersey, honestly, back in the day. No, I mean, it is good, but the cost of living here compared to, say, even London is much higher. So you, they get you, they still, it's not like a. I see. They get you somehow. They get you somehow. Yeah. Cost of housing, cost of goods.

Like, and everything is passed on to us because it's an island. And so, you know, they have to, everything has to come in by boat. So fuel prices are up or whatever. There was that time the French almost invaded because of the fish and the stuff. That's right. Yeah. And we get, we import a lot of our energy from France as well. So we can't, we can't piss them off.

You import our energy. But then you will come back to be part of France. But yeah, no, the common misconception is that it's a tax haven. Nobody pays tax. But obviously that would never work because if nobody paid any tax, it would be anarchy, right? I mean, it is still a pretty appealing tax rate. It is, yeah.

But you still get dinged in all the traditional ways as well. And you got to pay social as well. I ain't crying for Jersey. You pay income tax, but you got to pay social as well. So do we, though. Well. We got to pay that crap on top of tax. Yeah, I know.

Being an adult is so much fun, isn't it? It fucking sucks, man. I had a man come around and he was going to do like a little quick look around the garden. A man. So give me a quote on like doing some landscaping and mowing the lawn stuff. And he turned up and he was like, oh yeah, it's my birthday. And I was like, oh, happy birthday. Anyway, I said, you know, when you're done, come in and have a, I'll give you a, I'll put a candle and a biscuit or whatever for you.

We'll share a Shangri-La together. on the balcony anyway about an hour later I got a text from him saying he's fallen over and twisted his knee and gone home on his birthday

on his birthday he slipped on the slippery wooden decking and I was like Is he suing you? Sorry. Poor bugger I don't think so no I don't think you can

Happy birthday to me I'm suing your ass I injured myself on your property and it's all your fault I don't think that's how that's his own business insurance that will cover that I expect Right

Or could be wrong Lawyers It's going to affect his no claims Bonus You should prepare yourself That's how they sound He sounds He sounds like a character

From Star Wars Like in Jabba's Palace He sound like a gargoyle Oh Actually That's good. That's good. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. That dirty business recommend it. It's a really good watch. Oh, you know what? Infuriating watch, but a really good one if you haven't seen it. I got another documentary recommendation for your ass. Right. It's called, I hope I didn't speak about this last week.

The Mother of All Cons. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't watch it. My wife watched it and she said it was mad. Really good. Insane. It's about a... I mean, I realized, you know, we were just talking about Jingle Jam.

It's different from Jingle Jam. A woman and her daughter set up a charity that was like a sort of make-a-wish thing for kids, sick kids. Yes. And it turns into a quite disturbing and unpleasant story, and I recommend it. It's three parts. How do people do this? This is like the worst thing you can... Oh, it's so bad.

Like people are so scummy with this stuff How are they getting caught? We've got away with it for years. Oh my God. You can't see that. I mean, it just shocks me when people run a charity con. Like the Captain Tom people building a spa in their garden with his money and stuff.

Give me a break. I know. How are people so wicked? Do they not understand? I guess I have a real passionate feeling about this because obviously Jingle Jam, we're not a charity. Well, we are technically a registered charity, but we are mainly a fundraiser. Like, we're not actually doing the work. And I understand that if you're actually doing charity work, there are a lot of costs, you know, you have to pay staff

to do the work. Like, that's part of it. And I understand that. And like, you know, when a charity is raising money, like running a charity shop, I know there's like a percentage, there's often percentages, like sometimes, sometimes only a few percent of some of these big charities actually makes it to good causes. But that's part of the cost of doing business. and I understand that that's thing. People have to be paid. But for us, like, there's no reason for us to be paid. It's an entirely volunteer run.

I'm very proud of that. But I think that I just don't understand how people set up a charity and start thinking, oh, I deserve some of this. You know, I've, they convinced themselves that somehow they need to be rewarded for doing this and they deserve it. And it's, it's twisted logic. Well, if you watch the show, watch the documentary, I don't even. think it's that.

Yeah. I don't even think it's as as sort of... It's just straight up scamming. It's... Did these people have no morals at all? Well, you'll have to find out. I think there's like an element to this one where possibly there was not as much ill intention as perceived, but like a lot of like weirdness and confusion around what was happening.

But then... Don't spoil it! Oh, sorry. Cut that bit. Seriously, cut that bit. Don't spoil it. It's a really good show. I didn't see it though.

I'm only, I'm regurgitating my secondhand information here. Sorry. That's okay. Yeah. So I want to know something. This thing's gone viral. This young dad has got his daughter in the bathroom. Yeah.

He's taken her into the ladies' bathroom. This is at a target or something in America. And there's this fucking boomer in the door of the bathroom berating him. is this poor guy's daughter is crying. The target employee is obviously stuck there, just listening to this prick. I think this is a good moment to talk about being a girl dad, as they say, and what you do when you're out and about with your daughter or daughters, and they need the loo, it is a tricky situation.

And I know Sips and I have both been in this position. I would love to hear, what do you do in these situations? Let's say you're at the British Museum, because that's the exact situation I had. So the British Museum, it's very busy and I'm like, do I take my daughter into the gents or do I take her into the ladies? Which do I do? What do you do? I've done both. If the gents is empty, I'll take, I'll take her in there because, you know, it's just a bit easier. Yeah. If the gents is packed and some reason the ladies is not, which never really happens. It's usually the ladies that's fucking heaving. I'll just I'll sort of wait at the door I'll say like okay go in I'm right at the door

and then I'll just like you know from from the door I'll just be like okay like you almost done so like just maintaining a dialogue or if there's somebody there even just one person I just say I'm really sorry my daughter's got to go to the bathroom I need to come into this bathroom I hope you don't mind and then people are like yeah yeah of course don't worry about it exactly I've never had a problem never had. Also, a lot of the time, if there's a, if there's a woman there, she'll say, especially if someone who's probably got kids of their own, she'll, the woman will be like,

I'll keep an eye on it for you. I was like, great, thank you so much. I mean, I don't want to bring her into the gents as disgusting. No, yeah, but the best bathrooms and you see them more and more now are the, are the ones where you get your own private little bathroom, you know, you get a sink in there, you get a toilet in there, a door that locks, and they're, they're not, they're not gender specific, you just go. if there's a free one you go in. Those ones are great. And you seem to see them more and more now.

But grown up and responsible. I'm impressed with you guys. That was a nice. Thanks so much. I don't know. It was like an actual grown-up. It made me realize that you two were actually comrades and dads for a second. Oh, thank you.

I appreciate it. For a second. As opposed to the dofusses that I see you as. It's not. I don't think it's difficult to be just a reasonable person, though. Like, and to just sometimes, times just consider that there's like there's other people around or whatever and not all of

those people are insane. But if you're unlucky and you, you bump into, um, you know, a fucking insane person that's decided to grace the world with their presence that day. It sucks. I mean, there are, there are some people who just don't fucking, uh, get it. They just don't seem compatible at all with society, but, uh, they, they, they dress and look like they fit in, but they just don't. Like, They're just fucking assholes. Is anyone actually, other than this bozo in this video, would anyone actually be upset about a dad with his two little girls going into the ladies? Everybody immediately knows the situation.

If you've got any kind of empathy or brain, you're like, well, clearly, because he doesn't want to take him into the Jets. That's fair enough. You know, it's like, what are you talking about? And also, this guy's outraged. Who is this offending? He's making these little kids cry. What is he like to say?

To me, it looked like he's his wife's guard dog, you know. Yeah, no, literally. She's like, there's a man in there with his baby's here. And then he's got to go posture. That generation, that whole generation, flop up his feathers and stuff. Fucking put into a giant box, weighted down very heavily with lead weights. Well, don't worry.

They'll all be in a box pretty soon. Bottom of the Mariana trench. There's no good can come from that whole generation. What do you mean? What do you mean? They're invested in SpaceX stock, guys. They are going to the moon, baby. fucking fire them up there. I'm selling it.

I'll tell you what, if you're over 80, or maybe even I'll just take 75. If you're over 75, get to Mars right now. You can go and set up a fantastic world there for yourself with all your precious with all your little toilet rules and all your other fucking stupid weird things that you complain about.

And you can just sit around with all your money like Scrooge. Fuck, that's what I think they should do. So would you like me to do Lose News? Yes, please. Hit us with that news. Loozy. to say, is this story about the girl bringing his, the guy bringing his two daughters into the bathroom?

Is that part of Luz News? Because we've done that. No, it's not. Don't worry. I was just going to say. We just did that one. Sega have created a life-sized, Sega have created a life-size Sonic with synthetic DNA based on the characters' traits.

What do you mean synthetic DNA? They've made some kind of a chimera? I think it's actually chimera. That's a... Chimera. Sorry, don't you. I think you mean chimmer, actually. There's a company called Lombaby.

Now, I don't understand what the deal is here, but it's a biotech company who have made an artificial DNA strand made up with the core elements of Sonic the Hedgehog. It was placed inside a green chaos emerald. So earlier on this year, they did it. It's sort of a weird marketing stuff, but Long Baby also made like a Resident Evil T-Virus,

but out of biotech. Like Plato. This seems like a load of absolute shit. What is the point of this? How can they say the DNA has his famous spin move, which is what I'm reading here? So, okay, the traits that they've embedded in the DNA strand are his heroism, his struggles with water, and his spin dash. Wait, but what's the DNA for heroism?

I don't know. Maybe they got some of Winston Churchill. I'm sure I think of some heroes today. Maybe some of Volodymyr. Slensky's DM at DNA. He's a hero, right? Him, some blue guy, like the Blue Man group, they got some of their DNA. They got like a little bit of DNA from a ballerina who does a cool spin movie.

And they combine them all to make some sort of horrible thing, which hopefully won't cause the next COVID, where everyone turns into Sonic. That is not news. Next. Sony have patented a PlayStation controller with butter. that can mold around your fingers so they could grab your fingers. If you walk through a swamp, the controller will get swampier,

and you'll feel like tactically tactile that you're getting stuck or sticky or harden when you're climbing a rocky wall. Stuff like that. I always harden when I'm climbing a rocky wall. God. What a stupid thing to make. Why?

Yeah, so that's apparently the next. This is not lose news. This is just depressing. Just give me something good. This is like a bad episode, bad episode of Dragon's Den. This is the tech stuff. This is the tech stuff. Don't we?

We'll get past the tech stuff soon. Classic gaming brand Commodore. Yay. They've announced their next product. It is a flip phone that is designed to block all social media. It's like, it's basically, say, the guy in charge said, We built a phone that's somewhere between a smartphone and a dumb phone. Right.

Good for him. What a genius. So we've built a flip phone that is modern but blocks social media. Right. Blocks browsers. It's just a phone with games and I guess WhatsApp. Has it got like Spy Hunter on there and Beachhead and or some other classic. I mean, it looks pretty cool.

It looks pretty cool. I haven't thought about Beachhead in forever. Yeah. So yeah, you can get. You can get one. It looks like pretty basic and pretty slick. If you want to be a cool phone guy and have a gold phone. Basic and slick, but a cool phone that just doesn't really do anything except has some little games on it.

It doesn't really melt your brain. It just is a phone. Right. It does phone things. Like if you get locked out of your house, you can ring people on it, but you can't fucking browse Reddit on your doorstep for two hours while you're stuck. Yeah, that's when a phone is really handy. When Crystal's not around. Next up.

I reckon you could fit it up as well. It's one of them. It's quite small. Spotify have added a reaction option now, so you can see what your friends are listening to and react to the songs. So you can judge in real time the taste of your friends. Basically, Spotify want to try and make their fucking platform into social media as well. And therefore, it's going to be banned for under 16s.

For me, it's just going to be a bunch of like sad emojis with like, the rain cloud above their head against all of Adel's tracks. It's going to be like the gang signs against all the Wu-Tang tracks. Yeah, absolutely, yeah. Holy shit. I had an idea for an app a while ago, and it's basically, when you're listening to music in a public place, you can opt to do like a live DJ sort of playlist. So when you're listening to music on your app, on Spotify or whatever, you click on this app,

It goes live and other people within sort of Wi-Fi range of you can join in and listen in on your playlist. So whatever you're listening to gets broadcasted, like you become a local hero DJ. Right. Local DJ, I'd call it. And people can like just. That'd be pretty cool. Choose to listen to your set.

Yeah, yeah. So it's like having a radio station that's curated by a stranger. So you tune in, you're like, you know, you can look at it shows you the last track they played and the next track coming up. And then you can just sort of sit there and listen. It's like a radio. I thought that might be fun. Because that's a nice way to explore other people's playlists and taste.

I remember a while back. Ross from Hat Films used to mess around with this app. It was an app or was a website or something. But it was basically you would stream music that you would play from like Spotify or whatever. But there was like a Twitch style chat and there was like graphics and animations and stuff. And you know, people can like join and listen to the music and vote if they like the music and all this stuff. remember what was called. It was fun though. It was neat. You could just do like a set if you wanted to and then people could like rate it and save the playlist and everything. It was it was it was a cool

idea but it's just a you know it's just a fun way to listen to music with a bunch of people rather than just talking about yeah. Yeah. Oh hey talking of apps do you guys remember yo. Yo like yo MTV Raps? No like the there was a there was a an app called yo. Yo no I have no So this was like, this would have been like 2016, maybe 2017. And all it was, you installed it on your phone and you added friends and then all you could do is send them a yo. And all it would do is make their phone go, yo, like that.

I don't remember that at all. And you look at it and it would be say, you just got a yo from Ken. I remember yo MTV wraps and yo sushi and that's it. That was my only yo. The yo app. Yo, that was it. Right. That was all it was for.

I don't remember that one at all. In Silicon Valley, they built a. a prototype of an app called bro, and it was exactly the same, but less original. It just was bro. Yeah. But it was like,

the funny thing is, is we actually started to use it. I was like, oh yeah, once we get there, we'll send you a yo when you're there, when we're there. But it kind of reminded me of the app

from the office that's called woof. When you send someone a woof, and it sends them a fax, an email, a text message, and something else, all the same time. Yeah, that's such a good thing.

It's like, you just got woofed. I love That's hilarious But that's what yo was basically Nice I don't remember that shit Well that's all we got time for

That's all you got time That's all the news you got He doesn't have any more news in there I got shit to do I think that's a good place to finish I don't I think it was a bad place to finish Yeah

He's gonna chime in He wants to chime in Do you want to do the encore No I want to How's your new impersonation going Any you got any new What the Adam driver Yeah, have you added anything new to the repertoire?

Adam Driver. Adam Driver. Not really. I don't think it did well, so we'll move on. Adam Driver. See, it's hard to do, right? Adam Driver. You sound almost Irish when you say it.

I thought he sounds a bit like rain, man. As well, got to make Kmart. Got to watch Adam Driver. Got to make Kmart. I bought my under pants at Kmart. Great stuff. Well, keep working on. Yeah, there you go.

No, I'm going to move on. I'm going to find something else. Love you all, everyone. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next time. Thanks so much for listening. See you next time. Keep marching.

Keep marching. Keep marching. Bye. Goodbye. Goodbye.