Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep. 2 Ft. Sips

Episode Date: October 19, 2013

Welcome to Simple Simon - The show where Lewis asks Simon a simple question and he must match their guest's answer. This week we'll see if Simon can get inside Sips' head. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello. Hello and welcome to Simple Simon, where we ask Simon questions about our guest, which is Sips, and he tries to get them right. Well, Simon does, about Sips. So to start, to give you an idea of how the game works. That's a terrible intro. That was a perfect intro. Simon, how do you think our guest, Sips, feels about being on the show today? How do you think he feels? That's the first question. Oh, my God. Okay.

I think he would much rather be playing video games than participating in this experimental, untried format. I think he's probably a bit hungry and he wouldn't mind going home and having something to eat and seeing his little baby and he'd much rather be doing that than doing this right now. Sips. What's the answer?

I'm raiding right now while we're doing this and I've already eaten so it's good. You're raiding in WoW? Yeah, I'm just not doing anything because they're clearing trash. So there we go. We got it.

What the hell? Unbelievable. What? Multitasking. Yeah, that's what I was doing. And then you guys called me on Google. So I got that wrong. So zero points for me.

Zero points. Well, minus one technically. What? I can't start on minus one already. Hey, can I get get points I want to win I want to beat Simon We won't have Simon get points this time We'll have Sips get points

We can't change the format already The rules are flexible So Sips No Sips sorry no Simon Who would Sips So I'll cut that bit No, Sips, sorry. No, it's Simon. Who would Sips... So... I'll cut that bit. So, Simon, what would Sips name the autobiography of his life?

And who would play him in the movie? Who wrote his autobiography uh oops you're right it's everything all right yeah it's like the camera just like keeps sliding off the monitor yeah i think it's called a monitor yeah that big screen thing that's glowing i keep forgetting to actually look at it too is it is it awkward if i like stare deep into it like that's really intense because it's like you know we're looking at each other right now yeah so what would sips name his autobiography yeah who would write it who would play him in the movie and uh what's his mom's name what's his mom's name yeah well okay loads of questions my mom's got a really old

school name that's like a hint for you oh thank you thank you for that um i think sips his mom is called doreen it's close enough i guess um what what would he call what would he call his autobiography? The Diary of a Fantastic Guy. The Magnificent Bastard by Sips. Well, that would be a biography. You'd have to have autobiographies to be written by someone. Autobiography is written by him. Oh, yeah. That's why it's autobiography.

Automatically. Okay. Can you imagine if I wrote my own? It would just, it would never be focused on anything. I would just start talking about farts and butts and then it would just be 200 pages of talking about farts and butts. It would be on the bestseller list. It would be amazing.

So shall we ask the question that we had last time so one of the questions we had last time was that you are um what about sips his answer to to the question this leads on to the fart so like imagine you're you're you're having a cream tea sips with the queen yeah and uh someone lets rip a terrific fart, not you, how do you react? Simon's supposed to tell us what you would do. Well, it depends. I mean, if it was a woman,

because obviously you're supposed to help women when they need you, if a woman let Rip, I would probably take the bullet and say, listen, Queen. I do think the Queen is a woman, as far as I'm aware. If you happen to play WoW, do you need help with quests? And do you want some gold as well? Because I'm good for all that. Because that's a great way to pick up women. Would you provide the queen with an epic mount?

Yeah, maybe. Not one. I wouldn't provide her with one that you had to pay money for. Maybe one that like... No, actually I wouldn't. Because they're too valuable. That's treason. That's actually treason?

It's not technically treason. Because I want to get all the etchies. And there's one that you have to have a certain amount of mounts to get the achievement. And I'm sure she would understand that. Chiefs before queens. Absolutely, yeah. So your answer to that question is that you would take responsibility for the fart and also offer her wow gold. If it was a woman.

But not a mount. No, I wouldn't give her a mount. And if it was a guy that farted, he's on his own. Prince Philip. If it was Prince Philip, I'd just say, Phil, listen, fuck you. You're dead pretty much now because I'm not taking the flag for that. Oh, my God. Well, I'm not saying I would kill him.

Or are you? Well, maybe I am. Oh, my God. No, I would not. I wouldn't say that. I think that's actually treason. I don't think you're allowed to even talk about killing Prince Philip So what about the previous question

With you know What would Sips call his autobiography Yeah And that What would you call that Sips Well I never really thought about it So maybe you know Whatever you said is probably close enough

Right It was a diary of a fantastic guy or something. That's what Lewis said. So Simon's on... Well, I'm on one point. Lewis is on one point. How are you on one point? I said the fantastic guy.

So I'm on one point. I want one. You can have a point as well. So I'm having two. No, you cannot have two. I'm having two. But you had cannot have two. I'm having two. But you had one last time. I'm having ten.

All right. Everyone's on one point apart from Sips who's on two points. Yeah. Brilliant. Sips. No, Simon. What cocktail does Sips order when he goes up to the bar? Now, this is off menu.

You know, let me set the scene. Okay. It's a special occasion. You've arrived at a hotel in your lovely full suit. You know, it's dark outside the stars are out it's a very posh hotel it's like the top floor of a really posh building in i don't know seattle and you walk into this posh thing in your suit you look amazing dressed to the nines um so simon what does sips order there's no there's no menus, nothing like this. You just have to go in there and order a cocktail. What's it going to be?

A fancy cocktail. Fancy cocktail? Oh, I don't know. He's quite a classy guy. I think he would have a martini with an olive in. Yeah. No, it would definitely not just be a Diet Pepsi with ice and a piece of lemon. No way. It would have to just be a Diet Pepsi with ice and a piece of lemon. No way.

It would have to be... Hello? Hello? Oh. We're waiting for your answer. We're waiting for your answer. We're like, I don't even know any cocktails. I don't think I've ever had a cocktail before in my life. What?

What? Guys, I'm sorry. I'm not as high-flying as you guys. Surely you would have had like a i don't know like a black russian or something or um i beg your pardon what yeah it's like a kind of um chocolate milkshake with vodka in it or something i had i had a cement mixer one time it's not a cocktail it's a shot but, but it's like Irish cream and milk, and you have to take the shot,

but you have to swish it around in your mouth, and then it goes all lumpy and disgusting, and then you have to... Yeah. So it congeals. It's one of those horrible things. Yeah, it was pretty bad. Well, I mean, if you've never tried it before,

it's pretty fun, I guess, but was pretty bad Well, I mean, if you've never tried it before It's pretty fun, I guess But also pretty gross So it turns to like cheese in your mouth Yeah, pretty much So the one time you've had a cocktail in your life You had Baileys and like lemonade That's not a cocktail though That was a shot I've never actually had like

I've never had a martini before Or anything like that What do you what do you well i'm a man so i order beer when i go to the bar or or whatever uh-huh point good point you know what kind of beer would you order so at no points i just end up i'm still on one i still just have one point i think i should get 10 man points for never have had a cocktail. I think I should get bonus points. All right, you've got 10 points, Sips. You've got 10 points.

I don't know if that makes you a man. I mean, James Bond. I think so. I suppose these days he probably orders a Heineken because it's all sponsored by beer adverts and stuff. But previously... He's going to be a tall one. He gets one of those big yard things.

The yard of ale. Oh, my God. Okay, so so sips next question this is a sort of household question so we always have a lot of these okay so simon i answer it first yeah sorry so simon what do you think sips does with milk that is probably a little bit iffy in his fridge. So the milk's just started to turn. That's right. It's just going. What does he do? Does he... I don't think he would waste it.

I don't think he would just chuck it out. I think he would use it up before it goes out of the oven. How does he assess? I think he would sniff it, and if it smelt a little bit, you know, slightly sort of acidic-y, but not too bad, I think he would probably use it in cereal because that masks it. Like, you know, the sugary cereal would mask the taste of off-milk.

So I think he would make sure to have, you know, a big bowl of cereal to use up as much milk as possible. Sips? No. Wow! If it stinks, it's going down the sink. It's not off. It's not off.

It's just turning. Even if there's a hint of it going, I've got strict milk standards. I'm not having any milk that's even threatening to go off. That's such a waste. That is so wasteful. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. You just pour it all down.

I'm not drinking it. You pour it all down the drain. I'm not asking you a cereal. Nothing. Right a shit i'm not drinking it down the drain i'm not asking you a cereal nothing yeah right down the drain and not even not even the drain in the kitchen sink like that fucking sink that you have in the basement that nobody uses well i guess maybe you don't have that over here but why the fuck in north america in north america you have like bodies yeah basically yeah once when you when yeah When you're cleaning out the bodies It's like a fucking shitty plastic basin in your basement That you're not meant to use

And it's hooked up to a different water source That you shouldn't ever drink water from What the hell? Yeah, it's maybe not even an American thing But definitely where I grew up in canada they had these sinks in the basement and yeah that's where the moose go you keep the moose in the basement but that's that's where the bad milk goes for sure okay okay so i'm still on oh one i'm still on one am i i'm I'm on one. Sips on 11.

You guys are dead. You're on 100. No, you didn't get 98 for that. Come on, the cocktail fiasco. I got at least like 95 points for that. Okay. So you're on 102. Yeah. God damn it.

Okay. So Sips. No, Sips No Sips I keep doing this wrong I'm not a very good host Simon Brilliant Who's

So do you think If Sips were given The choice of two superpowers Right Which one of these Would he have Would he choose to either Run at 100 miles per hour

Or fly At one mile per hour So he gets to pick Two of them I guess 100 miles per hour or fly at one mile per hour? So he gets to pick two of them. I guess he would pick both. You get to pick one of the two. One of those two. So what was it?

Run at 100 miles an hour or fly at a mile an hour? Yeah. Well, that means he could just hover in the air, which is pretty cool. It's pretty creepy. Imagine me just like hovering in your bedroom, like on Ghostbusters, like is pretty cool. It's pretty creepy. Imagine me just like hovering in your bedroom, like on Ghostbusters, like above your bed. It's really slow hovering.

Yeah. Hi, guys. Hi. How are you doing? Bet you didn't expect to see me here hovering above your bed. You're like hovering outside someone's window and they're on the seventh floor. Yeah. Hi, guys. You're like hovering outside someone's window and they're on the seventh floor. Yeah.

Hi, guys. You just sort of slowly rise like into view of the window. Fantastic. I think he would pick the second one, definitely. The floating and flying is much cooler. What is the answer, Sips? Yeah, the floating and flying for sure. Just for like one mile an hour?

Yeah. It would be like super slow. Yeah. Do you guys ever have like a – it's like flying mile an hour. Yeah. Super slow. Yeah. Do you guys ever have like, it's like flying dreams, a thing like where you're running and you start flying and you can't stop flying. Is that like,

I think it's like the sinks in the basement. It's a Canadian thing. Oh, maybe it is. Yeah. It's not like a special Canadian dream. Yeah. We have much more realistic dreams here.

Yeah. I dream about driving a tractor. That's my dream. I think I prefer mine. Do you think that if you could run at 100 miles an hour, though, if you had like a pair of wings, you could just take off anyway and fly like a jet? Well, I don't know. Maybe.

That might be a lot cooler. I don't know if I'd want to fly that fast, though. I think you'd feel a bit sick. I like to just take it easy. You don't end up with loads of bugs in your face. That too, yeah. You need to wear goggles for sure and keep your mouth closed at all times.

That's what Superman has to do. Unless he's hungry. Unless he's hungry. That's how he has to do. Unless he's hungry. Unless he's hungry. That's how he refuels. He's like a baleen whale. He just sieves all the... Oh, that would be delicious. He doesn't get his powers from Earth's yellow sun.

Instead, he gets it from all the flies and bugs. Bees. I'm on two. I'm on two points. Two points Good job How many are you on? I didn't get any that time So whatever I was on last time

104 You're a bit ahead I could just take it easy now I don't need to worry too much I don't think I'll catch up How many more questions are there 117 okay well yeah so simon what do you think sips's peanut butter preferences are so you know does he like it crunchy or smooth how what's he put it on you know that kind of. Oh. I think he prefers Nutella to peanut butter,

but given a choice, he would go for smooth peanut butter and he would have it on toast. Right. Not a PBJ style-y? No. On toast? Holy shit. Oh, shit.

Is that what you have with your cocktails? My god. That's so fancy. When you go to a dinner party and like the Queen is there and I don't know, Richard Dawkins, the Prime Minister. With jam. It's tiny little triangles

of peanut butter on toast. It does make you fart though, the peanut butter jam. So that might be why it's causing the Queen's issues. Oh, no. Peanut butter stinky farts. That's revolting. Sips, what's the answer? Well, I mean, I got to say Nutella, no way.

As much as I... Yeah, but that wasn't the question. The question was smooth or crunchy. And the answer is smooth. As much as I would love to love crunchy peanut butter i just can't i always go back to smooth oh yeah so i got that right i got the smooth peanut butter yeah yeah but i did think that he preferred nutella yeah and you got the serving wrong as well so do i get half a point uh you could have a quarter of a point. Okay. A quarter of a point.

So that's two and a quarter. Two and a quarter points. Two and a quarter. How many points did I get for that, for him? Do I get three quarters of a point? You got another hundred. Oh, okay. And two.

That works, yeah. And I have two and a quarter. There's no way you can catch me up now. So you're on 206 points now. God damn it. Fucking so good. Unbelievable. But there might be there might be a penalty i don't know but see how the game goes on um oh well actually now it's time to end

the game uh final question amazing there could be a penalty let's see how the game goes well that's the end of the game so brilliant. So, of course, Sybil Simon was a pie-man. Going to the fair. So, Simon, what is Sips' favourite or preferred pie filling? Now, Sips is from the

North American continent, so I believe that he likes a sweet filling for his pie. A sweet filling, yeah. And I reckon a classic cherry pie. Cherry pie. Gamble. It's a gamble, but will it pay off? It's close, but it's got to be blueberry pie.

Come on. Who doesn't like blueberry pie? Maybe cocktail drinkers don't. Unbelievable. Blueberry pie. I've never had blueberry pie. Oh, my God. You haven't lived if you haven't had a blueberry pie.

I'm sure it's really good. See, we think you haven't lived because you've never had a cocktail, but you think we haven't lived because we've never had blueberry pie. How about you bring blueberry pie to your cocktails next time you come okay we'll take you out for cocktails all right can i just bring some fudge instead i can bring you some fudge where am i gonna get a blueberry pie over here i mean come on we'll figure it out genius i'm sure there's someone who'll bake me a pie, I'll bake one if you promise to actually eat it. We'll eat your pie.

Okay. What if he puts some gross in it? Great. Oh, God, I don't know now. What's he going to put in it? Crunchy peanut butter? No, it'll be fine. Well, I need to imbue it with some natural essence of myself,

as all bakers do. Oh, my God, he's going to come in the pie. I didn't say that. No! I didn't say that. No! I didn't say that, but I probably will, maybe. No! Come in the pie. Wow.

Look, well, thank you very much, Sips. You've been watching Sibyl Simon. Thank you, everyone. And we'll see you next time with another wonderful guest. Thank you, Sips. Thank you. You've been amazing. Bye!

I love you, bye. Bye! Bye! Bye! See you later, shitlords. a wonderful guest thank you Sips thank you you've been amazing bye I love you bye bye bye bye see you later shitlords oh my god bye

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