Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep. 4 Ft. Pyrion Flax

Episode Date: November 2, 2013

Welcome to Simple Simon - where Lewis asks Simon a simple question and he must match the guest's answer! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to another Simple Simons. Hello! It's an earthquake, Lewis! It's localised in your room. Are you OK? Yeah, apparently. God, that was quite something.

I'm sorry about that, everyone. That was a shade more violent than in rehearsal, I've got to say. Oh, jeez. What the heck? Hello! Welcome. Welcome back. Look look my glasses are wonky because optical express everyone if you want to get a pair of glasses don't go there yes what what do you want who've we got today we got period flax today my good friend

introduce yourself sir uh my name is period flax and it's a pleasure to be here sir my name is Perry and flaxen it's a pleasure to be here thank you there's these Google Hangout effects and so I pressed one from then it was very appropriate he's found the new toy to mess with and he's going to ruin our lives and the broadcast and everything it might have been me. Oh my god. Good. Right, well, in this game, for people who don't know, I asked Simon simple questions about our guest and you, Pirian, can pretty

much give him points or take away points based on how accurate or inaccurate Simon is. So, as a sort of example, first off, gentle question to sort of ease you in. What kind of things do you think Pirrion would like on a normal sandwich if he was given a choice? Would it be Marmite, pickle, salad cream or mustard?

So he's already got like a normal filling of meat or cheese or whatever, but it's what sort of condiment goes on it. Yeah, or just, you know, maybe he doesn't want any filling. But who would have Marmite with a sandwich? Like, you'd have that specifically on toast. Don't give him a clue, Perrion. Oh, sorry. OK, so it's not Marmite.

That's good. Thanks for the tip. It goes well with cheese, though, Marmite. So, you know, that would work. Imagine he went to the kitchen and he wanted to make himself a sandwich. What would he make? What's his go-to sandwich? His go-to sandwich filling.

Not just condiment, but the filling, the meat. I'm making a sandwich. But it has to have a condiment on it. It can't just be... The total package. Yeah. What is it? I reckon ham, cheese and pickle.

Ham, cheese and pickle. Very traditional. Very classic combination. Go on then. It's a good effort. How many points do I award here or is it arbitrary? It's up to you. I think one for each filling that I got right.

I'm going to say one for ham, one for cheese, but I'm going to deduct a point because I hate pickles so much that the idea of having it on a sandwich just fills me with dread. Almost as much as I hate Marmite. I hate Marmite too. Oh my goodness. So you get one point. One point.

One point. Wow. Well, we eased into that nicely. So now you get the idea. Okay, so what does Perrion do when it snows, Simon? What does he do? You mean, does he stay inside where it's nice and warm? What does he do? You mean, does he stay inside where it's nice and warm?

Maybe he has a hot chocolate? Or do you think, you know, does he go outside, make a snowman? He's got kids. He's got kids. So I reckon he goes out with the kids, builds a snowman, does some, like, tobogganing, has a snowball fight. I reckon he's out there in the cold getting wet but he's loving it and he's having fun he doesn't stay inside he's not a sad lonely man he just stays inside drinking hot chocolate all the time like me i'm gonna give five points for the fullness and correctness of that answer well done oh my god yeah you read me like

a book just the one one. Well done. The detective work there was sensational. Having kids is just part of it. I was out there building snowmen before there were kids here. Now there are kids here, I just have an excuse. You're basically a hipster when it comes to making snowmen. Hipster snowman maker, yeah. So that's six.

Six points. So it's like a snowman wearing a really trendy scarf. Yeah, skinny jeans, you know, that kind of stuff. He's got a MacBook Air. He's in Starbucks. He's working on a novel, all that kind of stuff, yeah. Sweet. Okay, good.

That was a really good answer. Well done, Simon. Holy crap. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, what's the preferred order when you've just finished in the gents and you're zipping yourself up? Is it

button then zip or zip then button? I'm sorry, what has he been doing in the gents? He hasn't been George Michaeling, has he? No, he's gone for just a quick leak. A quick number one. A quick number one. Yeah, let's say a number one. So why would he undo a button

if he just did a number one? Well, you have a trousers with a button did a number one well you have a trousers right with a button and a zip okay do you do zip button or do you do button zip i mean you just the point of the trousers down to his ankles standing at the urinal and pissing like a three-year-old well maybe he does still do that no no he doesn't he just he just has a zip he undoes the zip i will just say to complicate this, actually, I tend to have a button fly. I prefer that because of the inherent danger of the zip.

So I tend to go for a button fly. So I do have to undo the top button, but technically it's all buttons. There's no zip. So I think the question is probably void. Is it top button first? You can't do a button fly from the top first. You have to work up

the question is Pirian do you guys get confused sorry this isn't a question about whether or not you undo the button and then undo the zip

and then it's not about the actual it's not about that it's about even when you put your filters on first in the morning do you do the top button first

you didn't mention this first thing in the morning scenario. I've got a phone call. Okay. Let me just see who it is. Hello? Hello, it's me. Can I call you back later? We're in the middle of a podcast.

It's not very professional, is it? It's my mum. It said mum. What are you going to do, hang up? Well, that's what we do and that's why we've got six million subscribers on YouTube. Our mums are not pleased with us. Yeah, but your mums won't speak to you. Six million subscribers

but my mum ain't one. Thank you. Why? Stop using the sound effect. We're not adding these. People are going to think we've added these in post. I've got access to all of them. Are you ready, Simon? No, the timing on that was terrible.

That's more appropriate. Okay. You are the worst. Absolutely the worst. Next question. Pirian, you're out in a supermarket. Well, Simon, Simon, sorry. Pirian's out in a supermarket, and he spies the pick-and-mix counter,

you know, the pick-and-mix, all the little plastic trays of pick-and-mix, delicious little sweets, and you've got a bag, and you have to make, I don't know, like a pound or is it kilos these days? Half a kilo. Half a kilo of candies.

You have to fill up a bag of Pick and Mix. What do you pick? What would he pick? Good question. Now, he's already said that he doesn't like Marmite, so I'm also guessing he doesn't like licorice sweets. So he would avoid licorice. Sherlock Holmes.

That is Sherlockian. I think he would probably avoid anything too melty, so perhaps avoid the chocolate. I reckon he enjoys a good fruit salad and a flying saucer. Okay. Fruit salad and flying saucers. I'm pretty wild at the mark, I guess. I mean, I'm not a fan of licorice, but I do like chocolate.

But I'm more of a bonbon kind of man a bonbon bonbon bonbon bonbon or uh or uh the uh the super sour cola bottles big fan like the ones that it's like so bitter they just like that I never would have thought that acid do you remember when I was in the suite there's one near me a proper old-fashioned sweet shop with the jars and everything. And one of the things they've got in there is the lemon crystals. It's just yellow sugar, like, with a bit of lemon flavouring. Who sells this stuff to kids? When I was a kid, I remember eating that.

You buy a bag of lemon crystals. It's just yellow sugar with a tiny, tiny bit of lemon flavouring. It's like meth for kids, isn't it? How do we have teeth? How do we have teeth? It's basically meth for kids. Yeah, it's unbelievable. But when you're a kid, you lose them all, don't you? When do we have teeth? How do we have teeth? It's basically meth for kids. Yeah, it's unbelievable. But when you're a kid, you lose them all, don't you? And you get them recycled.

You're sick of them by the time you're like 12 or 13. Yep, that's true, yeah. I didn't eat that. I'm not a big sweet fan. I'm more of a savoury kind of dude. So you would fill your little bag of Pick and Mix with sausage rolls and vol-au-vents? I don't like sausage rolls or vol-au-vents.

Wow. So I don't think I've got any points for that. But I'm genuinely not a fussy eater. These just happen to be naming all the things I don't really go for. Sausage rolls are sort of, yeah, they're OK. I've blown it, Lewis. That Greg sponsorship is fucked. The Greg that's gone.

Wait, that was, hello, Gregs? Now you can stuff them. I don't want a lifetime supply of sausage rolls. Mr. Gregs, I'm sure we had him. Didn't we have him on the phone at one point, Simon? Now you can stuff them. I don't want a lifetime supply of sausage rolls. Mr. Greggs. I'm sure we had him. Didn't we have him on the phone at one point, Simon? Do you remember him? Really?

We should interview him on this. We should get him on next week. He hates sausage rolls as well. Is he on Polaris? It would probably just be you, Simon, with an effect hat on. If you get one of the hats off of people's hangouts. Pretending to be Mr. Greggs. How do I do the...

Let's see. Head wear. A hat. That's a good... Maybe Let's see. Headwear. A hat. That's a good... Maybe that's a butcher's hat, actually. Hello, I'm Mr. Greggs. Would you like a sausage roll? Like that sort of thing.

I thought Mr. Greggs was more of a pad. Sausage rolls are panned. Everything's a pad. Here's my sausage roll. He makes the cake, Mr. Greggs. That's fantastic pan oh he makes the cake mr greg that's that's fantastic that is so weird shit these effects are very very strange a lot of them come with the default like on my webcam it's got effects like this and the ones where you can like warp your face and stuff like that or uh or blur the background.

Simon, haven't you got some of them on your webcam as well? I know I don't want to get off topic here and be ridiculous. This is what happens when you've never used a webcam before. Things get really weird. What the fuck is that?

I don't know what's going on. Hello? Guys, I can't talk now. I'm in Venice. Hello? I don't know what's going on. Hello? Guys, I can't talk now. I'm in Venice. Hello? I'm sorry. Am I a cat now? God, look at that.

That is really creepy. Oh, he's wrong. You're like having a stroke. Hello? I'm moving my head. It's like a cat's had a stroke. Hello? Are you okay?

I'm just fine, Lewis. Thank you for asking. I'm a cat now. That really is something, isn't it? I'm just fine, Lewis. Thank you for asking. I'm a cat now. That really is something, isn't it? Why is it so bad? Why does he think your eyes are closed like that? He's been somewhere in classes, I think. Take your glasses off.

Hang on, I'll take my glasses off. Has that improved? Oh, much. It's 100 times better. Hello. Hello. How are you? Hello.

I think you have to exaggerate your speech quite a lot. Open your mouth as wide as you can and we'll see if the cat's got teeth. Well, that is terrifying. Good. Well, let's just carry on. So next question related to the cat, I suppose. Perion, or Simon, if Perion could have any animal as a sort of magical familiar, you know, magical style, what would his animal,

what would his spirit animal be? What would his familiar be? His companion? Maybe you could change into it. So he's like a witch and he has a familiar, but it's also his spirit animal and he can transform into it. Yeah. I just want to pick the animal which you think resonates,

may resonate very, very strongly with him. Hmm. Oh, that's interesting. It's like if you ever read the Amber Spyglass, they all had these like... Demons. They had these like, yeah, demons, which were kind of like them but like an animal of them.

Oh, it's a bit weird. Sort of like a... Well, so am I joined to this animal in a spirit way like perhaps not more than a familiar but almost like a sort of sort of yeah it's like your soul okay in an animal yeah but i'm still me as well yeah can i see what the animal sees no yeah okay yep no yep okay oh see he's thinking he doesn't know the answer immediately so he's having a good think yeah who who doesn't have that on the tip of their tongue if you were this if you're a spirit animal joined by a telepathy you should just know like that right

i should have i should have asked you this question beforehand so i knew the answer well he's got to come up with an answer and if I like the sound of it, maybe I'll go for that. Ah, yeah. And give him points. I'm pretty flexible on the whole spirit animal thing. I think he would be a big, scary, sort of like dire wolf. And, you know, he would be like a free spirit, just sort of, you know, running like a lone wolf.

He isn't tied down by the pack. You know, he's free, he roams, tied down by the pack you know he just he's free he roams he kills rabbits and eats them for his dinner delicious you're selling it 10 points i like that 10 points yeah yeah that's what he wants to be i don't know whether that's actually what he would be i reckon he would be like who decides what i just find out that i've got a crappy spirit animal yeah it's like that's what happened with Janeway. It's like a pigeon. Janeway on Voyager.

She was like a shitty little lizard thing. Oh, God. Yeah, that'd be me. I'd end up being like a weevil or something. What Dota 2 character would you be? Oh, wow. Probably Skeleton King, obviously. Because, you know, that's like my thing.

Let me see if I can carry off a crown so if you were oh god oh yeah oh these fucking things why oh my god why the king is here did you just play the inception sound sound? How have you done that? That is amazing Not so much that one That's not very kingly Let me tell the crown

The king is risen And on that bombshell Next question So 10 points I think I'm up to 16 now And on that bombshell Next question Let's go with the next one So 10 points I think I'm up to 16 now Yeah Yeah

You didn't get any points For all the sweets And everything like that So yeah You're doing good You're doing very well What's the high score so far? We're not really keeping track

To be honest No idea You did well on Hat Films Actually Yeah Didn't do so well on sips um didn't do super well on turps either well that's because you scored it and you you were very you know you were very frugal with the giving away of points you've been you've been i don't think you've been as accurate with period as you have been with hat films but periods liked your

answers so that counts for a lot yeah that does count for a lot we never did get an answer about that trousers button zip thing but it doesn't matter about that now what is your prefer i don't know why i'm so obsessed with that what is your preferred monopoly piece so simon what is period's preferred monopoly piece his go-to I would say the race car. The hat. All about the hat, baby. Oh! God damn it.

It's the hat. The top hat. I'm a classy property owner slash magnate who, you know, I want a hat. Preferably one of them top hats. You don't want a flash car to drive around in your property. I don't drive. I am driven. And I don't care what kind of car it is as long as it has champagne in the back and room for my top hat.

Do you actually not drive? No, I do have a car, yeah. In real life, you are just a normal person, yeah. I'm not actually a property magnate. I'm just channeling my Monopoly player. So do you sort of role play when you do Monopoly? Do you really get into the mind of a really corrupt absolutely i'm like i'm like a slum landlord you know what i mean i buy all the

cheap properties and just fill them with hotels and drive the poor people out become evil yeah that's horrible it's monopoly dude i've always wondered about that like if you build like a hotel on a really shit place like old kent road is it a really shit hotel is that the whole point it's like a really it costs the same as a hotel on mayfair no actually it doesn't does it it costs the same to build it but then you charge more which is you know basically that's that's capitalism to a t i read somewhere like the optimal strategy for monopoly was to like get the ones which are like orange ones or something in the red ones yeah because i'm by the free parking square yeah because they're they're moderate cost and you know that i think because if the further you get around the board there's a chance to land on that community chest thingy that sends you to jail that's right

go and also the go to jail is right at the top of that avenue so you could just skip the whole lot the whole point statistically people are going to land around that area. Yeah. Also because the average roll is seven and a half as well. Everything sends you to jail. And obviously when you roll two dice, the average roll is a seven. That's the most common thing.

So you get sent to jail all the time and then you roll sevens and accommodations of sevens and that puts you more distributed on the orange and red. And also the best thing to do is not to build hotels, it's to build two or three houses. So when you're playing Monopoly with your families this Christmas, there's the strategies that you need. There you go.

You've learnt something today by watching this. To dominate. And cause terrible family arguments. Of course, if I were playing Monopoly with you, I would graciously lose and step out early because then you avoid all the arguments and everyone's happy. Monopoly's not, I would graciously lose and step out early because then you avoid all the arguments and everyone's happy. Monopoly's not a very good game. Mrs. F refuses to play it.

No. Yeah, she refuses. She cheats when she does play and then to avoid the issue and because she hates it, she just avoids playing it. But she does cheat. She's always the banker, takes money from the bank, all the rest of it. Wow. She did that one of the first times I went around her house because i've known her since we were like 18 that's when we started dating so uh we went around the house because we were still basically you know your kids we were like uh well what should we do let's play monopoly play monopoly you guys it was

and they were like wait why don't we just get off with each other instead it's like yeah so so the board just scattered the hotels everywhere. That hat got kicked under the table. Did you just clear the board like that and you threw her on top of the coffee table? But it was a glass one. She smashes through. Oh, my God.

You had like an iron sticking in your ass and stuff. And like, oh, my God. Terrible. I'm trying to think of the other. The dog, the little dog oh don't bring the dog into this why why don't listen mandrew don't listen oh god oh god poor old pooch wow um that was quite something but yeah monopoly uh originally it was like made as like by some some by some lady who was a teacher, and she wanted to tell people of the evils of Monopoly and how Monopoly is a bad thing because it doesn't prevent competition.

I'm not sure that's true. I thought the guy that did it drew it on his kitchen tablecloth. I'm going to Google it now. All right, Google that, and I'll ask Simon the next question. Okay. What does Pirian do when his DS or other thing that uses, like, AA batteries or AAA batteries run out of batteries? What does he do?

Oh, my God. It's like the TV remote. What happens when it runs out of batteries? What do you do? What do I do when I run out of batteries? Is that the question? He goes out out he buys more batteries from the shop so literally he's on the couch it's like nine o'clock you know he's watching

telly the remote's run out of batteries what does he do how's he takes them out the smoke alarm and puts them in the tv remote is that right that's your answer minus a point for that terrible unsafe answer which is giving people bad ideas. First of all, all my smoke alarms are hardwired to the power on the house, so they don't require batteries, so they never go out. And second of all, everybody knows, you open up the back and you just give it one of these. You just twist the batteries a little bit in place,

and then you put the thing back on, you bang it a few times, and then it works just long enough to get you through the day well that is not the answer i expected at all no i wasn't wow there you go how does that how's how's the the science of that work period it just it uh it's um do you give them more energy when you you rub you just because sometimes what's happened is that that i think that if they're older batteries you know there's like a build-up of uh whatever guff is created because you know when you leave is that the scientific term the guff electrical it's called electric electro guff electro some yeah the electro guff builds up on the point and you've

got to sort of shake out the guff twizzle you twizzle the gun off the battery points give it a twizzle give it a twizzle bam bam bam and away you go or you stick them in the fridge overnight that's the other but i mean i generally keep a lot of batteries uh to hand yeah yeah well you're you're a dad so do you have like a shed with a lawnmower do you have a have a shed don't have a lawnmower? Do you have a... I have a shed. Don't have a lawnmower. We have a paved garden. Oh, very efficient. Do you have a ladder? Do you own your own ladder? I do.

Yeah, two kinds. Should you be questioned for silent? Oh, sorry. Sorry. You just asked him, do you own your own ladder? And he said, yes. That means he's a proper dad. Don't remember we defined this before.

That if you own your own ladder, that is the point at which you become a proper dad. I have a sledgehammer. Oh, my God. Are you the kind of person who, like, if a truck driver needs a bit of backing out, you can, like, back him out and stuff, and he'll trust you to do it?

Yeah, I can do that. I have the authoritative stance of a driver and a dad, and I own a ladder. You've made me proud to earn a ladder now i've never ever been prouder of any anything in my life can you tell me some of the things you've done with the said ladder and why did you end up buying it i want to hear the story of why you needed a ladder at what point in your life did you think shit i don't have a ladder i really fucking need one where's the ladder we don't have one right i went to home base or wicks one of the two wicks

is where you go when you've really progressed home base is like the starter level you go to home base you just need some paint and you don't know what you're doing and there's just kids working there you go to wicks there are men buying things in wicks wicks is like the next tier yeah wicks is like you graduate to wicks because if you go in there you can't fuck around a week you gotta know what you're going for if you're going Wix you say I'm looking for one of those tools it's like it goes spins around and you sort of hold it it makes holes you'd be like a drill whereas at home base they'd go oh never heard of that mate no so Wix is like your step up so you go in there you buy a ladder you've got a your brow is is level expression blank you you just walk out of the ladder,

just nod to the man, he just nods back at you, you pay and you leave. And I'll tell you what you use ladder for, is to get to something that is higher up than you're able to get otherwise. What do they do with the ladder? Do they, do you have to, is there a barcode? Do they have to like...

There's a barcode on the side, yeah. Onto like the till and sort of scan it? Well, see, at home base, they just have a till. God, that's uncanny at wicks i think they have a gun on a cord so they can get around and scan fucking shoot people yeah with the gun and if you make it out then you get to keep a ladder how did you get the ladder home in my car because i put the seats down and it's a it's a big car it's a family car yeah yeah it's a big space wagon a big is it a big it's a crv so it's like a four by four do you own like tarpaulins

and things to keep the mud off the back i do have a tarpaulin yeah oh my god i had to buy recently a leather cover for the rear tire on the back of my car with you know you know like a replacement leather cover for your spare tire something you'd never imagine ever having to buy in your life i you're you are our age roughly i don't know i'm 37 so i might be a tad older than you guys i'm not sure simon's getting there oh my god yeah i'm getting there i'm only a couple of years younger i don't have a ladder What tools do you own? I've got a screwdriver I think How many?

He thinks One I think it's in the toilet Oh dear I don't know why Not in the bowl But in the bathroom No you keep it

You keep it in the cistern Like in the Godfather He goes to get the gun It's just like Simon's screwdriver there. Yeah, I don't own many tools or tough horns. I have a power drill. I have a heat gun for removing paint. You have a heat gun?

Yeah, yeah. Holy crap, is it like a Black & Decker? No, I'm still interested on the ladder. So what do you mean by... I bought it because I, well, there were things on top of the conservatory. I needed to get up there to have a look because I needed to reseal the guttering

on top of the conservatory because it was letting some water in. Why don't you make videos talking about this? Why do you bother with DOTA or Outlast or any of that bollocks? Talking about owning a ladder and how to use it. Yes, this is fascinating. This is really interesting to us. Talking about owning a ladder and how to use it. This is fascinating. This is really interesting to us.

Yeah, I'm really interested just to hear this insight. Oh, wow. I would have never thought. Had to get up there and I got some wooden boards from the timber yard near me. I put them down on top of the conservatory. Oh, my God, that's like tier three. So you've got home-based wicks and then like timber yard. The actual timber yard.

I had to buy some wood to get up there because I didn't want to go through the conservatory glass you lay your board out what is a timber yard tell me about they sell wood they just sell wood do these places exist where are they they're everywhere you'll drive you'll see them everywhere now you won't be able to move for timber yards they'll be popping out of the woodwork what so you just drive in and you're like hello can i have some wood please you drive and you go to the desk. There's like an office manned by a surly timberman. A timberman? A timberman.

Oh, my God. And you say to him, I'd like a wooden board, please. He'd say, how thick? And you have to know the thickness, either in millimetres or in inches. If you want to be old school, you tell him the thickness in inches. If you want to be modern,

you say like 12 mil board or whatever and he'll get it for you. And so then they'll, what size? And you give them the thickness in inches if you want to be modern you say like 12 mil board or whatever and he'll get it for you and so then they'll help what size and you give them the dimensions and they'll cut it or if they have it you can just say i'll take that and then then the tricky part is getting it home so sometimes like luckily i was able to get mine cut and and i could fit it in the back of the car got it home laid it across the top of the server you got out there cleared out the guttering and applied the chemical sealant and then oh my god chemical sealant i had to buy special gloves they were like special special chemical gloves these things are so tough that you can do anything with these gloves i'm not sure i want to know more is? Have you disposed of bodies with them before?

You could, very easily. He gets his boat and he goes out on the harbour and he just drops the bin bags off into the water. It's just full of leaves from the guttering. He's put all the crap out the gutter. Good. Well, look, thank you. I think that will wrap it up.

Thank you so much, Prue, for being on. Of course, we forgot to ask this last time, but the final question, because, of course, Simple Simon was a pie-man. What's your favourite pie filling, type of pie filling? Simon, what do you think? Now, he doesn't like sausage rolls, but he does like savoury things.

So, steak and kidney pie. Oh, bingo. Oh! Can't top that, baby There we go Well done That is top notch, Simon Well done

Top notch pie guessing That's why you, Simon, are the king of the pies I don't know How many points do you think a steak and kidney pie is worth? Let your conscience decide Five I'd say 10 10?

that puts me on 26 points 25, I deducted a point 25 points 25 points it's got to be a record that is a very good score bearing in mind you don't know Pyrrhon as well as you know some of the other people who've been on

thank you so much Pyrrhon you're amazing, we'll have you back on i'm sure in future when we do when we when we start running out of guests and we have to have the same people on i look forward to that day when you are so desperate you have to say let's get him on yeah we'll talk more about conservatories and guttering and perhaps even have some tools to hand to show you and talk about. Oh my God. Tool time. I don't think so, Tim.

We cannot wait. Thank you. And goodbye. Oh God, why? What?