Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep. 5 Ft. DaveChaos

Episode Date: November 9, 2013

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fantastic how are you i'm pretty good yeah how much sleep have you had in the last few days? Not a great deal. Well, not you, but your wife has given birth to a lovely baby girl. Yes. Well, congratulations to her, mostly, for that feat. To her, mostly, yeah. You did your part. Well done. Well done, Dave. Well done, Dave.

Well done, you. Thank you for being on Simple Simon. Have you watched the show? Do you know what's going on? I've got a general gist. I didn't want to spoil it for myself, but I watched a couple. Well, we may repeat some of the questions if we run out, but we might be okay.

Amazing. Let's just jump straight in. So this is a show where I ask Simon simple questions about you, Dave, and he has to try and get them right. So, Simon, what did Dave want to be when he was growing up? A YouTube celebrity. Well, that didn't exist, remember, when we were kids. Oh, yeah, that's true, yeah.

There was a traditional list of things that people wanted to be. That's right. I reckon, right right not even kidding he is massively into indiana jones he wanted to be an archaeologist wow right now archaeologist that's that's your final answer go on dave right well i did try to. You see this on the wall right here. Can you see it? Oh, it's at Corporal Stripes. It is.

I was actually in the Army Cadets as a youngster. So when I left school, I joined the Army. What? You were in the Army? I was in the Army. The real Army? The real Army, yes. And you wanted to be a soldier? I did, all the way through being a kid,

wanted to be in the Army. It runs in the family as well. Oh my god. Legend. Well done for doing that. So not an archaeologist? Not an archaeologist. No. And not a YouTube creator. And not a fireman. And not an

astronaut. I did want to be a policeman for a while. You wanted to serve the country. That's very noble i think that's nice isn't it that's the worthy jobs to do yeah yeah this is a lot of respect we're giving you you're a dad now um to to two healthy young people and we're like totally responsible and we're just useless. Two little bundle little things. That's Lewis

talking about children. Some two little people things. Little men. Yeah, one day I'll reach this as well. We've had a spate of dads on because Sips was a dad of course and Period Flax was a dad

and all of our films, they're all dads too. They're all dads to each other. All dads. They're dads to each other. Everyone's dads. You know what the problem is, don't you? The problem is, nine months ago, Fifty Shades of Grey came out.

Oh my God, is that it? That's why we've got a new spate of hatchlings. That's it. That is it. It's all that book's fault. Oh my God. The implications of what your sex life is like, I don't want to think about too much.

Next question, Lewis. Next question. So what do you think Dave Kowalski's first, first born, so his son, his first word was? His first word. Usually it would be something like daddy or mummy. Oh, do you think it's... Maybe it's food?

You can have a guess broadly. So you can say, like, the toy, or you can say, like, I'm not going to... If the toy is named something, I'm not going to call you on that. I think it's daddy. I think it's the first word his first

born said was daddy. Actually, it's much worse than that. Milkman. Oh my god. It was boobs. Boobs? Boobs? What? It was all. Boobs? Boobs?

What? It was all my fault. Because you were saying boobs a lot. Because I kept tormenting Tony, saying that his first word's going to be boobs because I'm going to teach him that. Because I joked about it so much. And it came true. Be careful what you wish for because it might come true.

So you were taunting your poor wife about about him saying there were boobs and then it came true so now you have to write it in the baby book do you have one of those things like a baby book with all the baby pictures and like first word and first toy and like oh no do you know i had one of these and my mom has it um it's one of these things and it's like a blue kind of of all your achievements as a little child we have like a box a memory box it's got like his first shoes in it and first baby girl and stuff like that what do you think simon his right favorite toy is so we're talking chaos his favorite toy yeah yeah well no all right that's a good question

so what was given the given the uh the 50 shades of gray in the indiana jones thing it's probably a whip wow oh no i i'm the question is actually i just want to make sure this is one of your security password questions or anything like this it's like i'm not asking your mother's maiden name either um but like what was your childhood toy or your your your your and what asking your mother's maiden name either. But what was your childhood toy? And what's your son's childhood attachment toy? So, Simon, what do you think? So, Day of Chaos is son's favourite toy. And his, when he was a kid.

So that's two different questions. Yeah, but I want to see if there's a father-son link. Right, gotcha. I see what you're doing there. That's quite clever, actually. if there's a father-son link you see right gotcha i see what you're doing there that's quite clever actually um oh i reckon dave chaos he is from a long line of soldiers he went into the army himself so i reckon his favorite toy was a gun i was thinking a bit younger i was thinking sort of you know because dave's son is three so I'm not sure you'd give him a gun. All right. I reckon like an action man was Dave Kelsey's favourite toy.

So a little soldier action figure. And I reckon his son, I think it's got to be something a bit more innocent. Maybe it's something sweet like a toy rabbit or something. What can't I do without? Like a little cuddly toy rabbit. Think about when you're a kid, what can you not do without? You're always attached to something. There's like a blanket or something.

You think it's a toy rabbit? Is that what you're going with? For Dave Chaos, it was an action man. And for little Dave Jr. Chaos, it's a fluffy toy rabbit. That's what I'm saying. Let's do this. It's gone green. Do-do-do.

Well, are we doing half points here or what? I don't know. You can judge. It's up to you. Okay, right. You spot him. You spot him with the action man. Oh, my God.

There we go. Fantastic. Wow. I've got this action man. He's not in this office he's downstairs but he's got like years ago they used to get all

little grenades and proper little guns and all the little cool things and now they're like junk so I saved it and I gave it to him

and he doesn't like it oh he doesn't play with it but it's not it's not a rabbit it's Buzz Lightyear oh But it's not a rabbit. It's Buzz Lightyear. Oh.

He's got a lot of singing and dancing. Buzz Lightyear. More modern action, man. More high tech. Yeah, I suppose it is. Yeah. Spaceman. So I've got some points for getting your action man. It was a man.

You know, it wasn't like a blanket or a dummy or a you know anything weird you know it was definitely i think you've dave come on give him some points for that yeah i think he definitely gets a point for getting that spot really so one point one point one point it's very generous super generous there we go period of fact he gave me 10 points for getting one thing right but you didn't get that very right i get one for this right can right, Dave, can you give him ten? Ten. Or maybe five. Maybe five.

Because I got just one part of it right. You're not very good at haggling, are you? I'm trying to be fair. This is a bargain hunt. So I've got five. Five points. All right, five points. There you go, five points.

Okay. So we typically ask some sort of food-related, some sort of mundane-y thing-related questions. So Dave, it's a hot and a muggy day, and Simon there is drinking, and imagine you are in the same place. It's hot. You desperately want something very cool and refreshing to drink,

quench your thirst, and revitalise your body. So what is it that Dave goes for? This could be anything, Dave. You're at home. That's the most important thing. So it could be a special thing that you whip up or it could be a go-to drink to revitalise

and quench. What is it, Simon? Dave Chaos, he is quite partial to a Sunny Delight or a Lilt. Depending on the occasion. Dave, what is it? Wow. It's neither of them.

Sorry, I've actually not had Sunny Delight since I was a kid and I had some the other day and I nearly spat it all over the kitchen. It's disgusting. There goes the deal with Sunny Delight. I'm just going to rip it up now. We don't need that anymore. That's out. That's gone. No, £20 million

we would have gotten from there. £20 million. That's fine. Because the deal with Nescafe will do quite well because I tend to drink a ridiculous amount of coffee, even if it's really hot weather. So on a hot day when you're thirsty, you drink coffee? Well, I've got this weird theory.

That dehydrates you, Dave. No, no, no, it's good. It's like eating curry when you're hot. It makes you sweat and it makes you lose heat. It's good. Yeah, it makes you lose water. What? Caffeine is diuretic.

You lose water and it dehydrates you if you drink a lot of coffee. Yeah. Okay, Dr Simon has spoken, Dave. He said a word, I didn't understand it, but it basically said that you shouldn't drink coffee on a hot day. I'm getting into trouble now. What about iced coffee? Would you drink iced coffee? I'm not too keen on iced coffee, really. Okay, imagine there's a fridge and you've got to pick a drink out of that fridge.

I'd go for the Coke. Okay, so it's not tropical juice. You have been to Yogg Towers before and you've seen our fridge. You should have known what he picked out of a fridge, Simon. He didn't pick the lilt. He got like a mug of coffee out of the fridge

and started sipping on it. Maybe he didn't have anything. Maybe you should have paid more attention, Simon. That's bad. That's minus five. What? What do you mean minus five? What the hell, man? How many drinks are there?

You've got lemonade, you've got tropical stuff, and you've got Coke. And you didn't go for Coke. You went for the other one, so you were wrong. He went for the caffeinated beverages. Back on zero. Back to zero. Back down to nothing.

And we lost a sponsorship deal with Lilt and all the other people that we were doing. Zero and $20 million lost. It's not been a successful round for me. If Dave could be one for just 24 hours, what cereal box cartoon character would he be? Cereal box cartoon character? Yeah, cereal box cartoon character.

Do you want to just go through The ones that are in your head Immediately Tony the Tiger Um Frosty's The Frosty's Deal is still on The Rice Krispie

Snap Crackle and Pop Um Yep Very British But fortunately Dave is British So we've got a good chance You've got a good chance this one Yep

I can't think of any others At all What about the Lucky Charms Leprechaun fella Lucky Charms Lucky Charms? We don't even have that do we? What about Coco the Monkey or is he still called that?

Oh for Coco Pops And also this obviously links together with you know the breakfast cereal of choice that's really what you're guessing here I reckon Tony the Tiger The breakfast cereal of choice. That's really what you're guessing here. Okay, right. I reckon Tony the Tiger.

They're great. The brand deal is on. Dave, what is it? Here it is. I've got it here. It's $20 million, Lewis. Yay! Spot on again. Oh!

Yay! There we go so there we go there we go spot on yeah I love Frosties so the deal's on that's gotta be that's gotta be 10 points

for getting it spot on oh back up to 10 that's sad that is a that is a good call Simon well done and he

so you you knew that he was he was you know caffeine coffee drinking coke drinking you, full fat. That's what the Frosty is.

He didn't go for anything healthy like shredded wheat, no Weetabix. I don't know what the characters for that would be, though, would they? The character for Weetabix? I don't know. I think it's just a colon that's really healthy. A really healthy bowel. A really healthy, bright pink bowel. Oh, no.

With solid movements. That is the character that we should fix. A little smiley face. With a smiley face. We should pitch this to them. On one end. I don't know which end. This guy on the box doing a goatsy thing?

Yeah, that would be it. The cupboard would just be goatsy. Yeah. And it's like, look, boys and girls. Isn't that Cheerios with the rings? Anyway, let's move on from that. Oh, my God. Dave, you're in trouble with the law, Dave.

It's me. You're asking me. You've got to ask me first. The police are after you. Well, not the police. It could be anything. It could be the international criminal. It could be anyone.

The cops, the CIDs, the European Interpol. Interpol are after Dave Chaos. Anyone. The Nazis, you're in trouble. What? The Nazis? It could be like an Indiana Jones thing and you're escaping from the Nazis.

They're after you. You're in trouble. Would you rather be helped out by A, Sherlock Holmes, B, the A-Team, or C, the Scooby-Doo crew on the mystery wagon? Sherlock Holmes B The A-Team Or C The Scooby-Doo crew On the mystery wagon

Whatever the fuck It's called Why is the A-Team A In this thing? Why are they B? That's just confusing Yeah Well I had a list

And then I decided to add the A, B and C So A Sherlock Holmes B The A-Team It's gotta be the A-Team Hasn't it? It's gotta be the A-Team I mean got to be the A team, hasn't it? It's got to be the A team.

I mean, Scooby-Doo gang, they would be useless. You're being chased by Nazis and Fred's there wearing his cravat. And he says, hey, guys, maybe you shouldn't. And he just gets shot and murdered by Nazis. He'd be useless. And who was the other one? Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock Holmes

He'll clear your name He's going to take you to his mind palace He's going to play the violin badly at them That's what he'll do Awful It's got to be the A team It's got to be B, the A team Yeah, B, the A team

That wasn't even a very good question I should have added more options to it. I'll do that for next time. That was rather specific. I get the fucking points. Up yours. Alright, jeez. You got them. How many points do I get?

Four. Because there's four members of the A-Team. Oh yeah, that sounds fair. Four points. You can only get four points if. Four points for all four members of the A team. You can only get four points if you can name them all without typing into Wikipedia. Here we go. OK, John, Paul, George and Ringo.

Nil point. Well, that's minus three for the terrible guesses, so you've got one point now for that. I'm doing one point. What? For getting that question right, I get one point. Yeah, because you didn't know any of the members of the A team.

I did. I just thought I'd be funny by giving an incorrect answer. That's fine. We know that you know them. You get... 11 points, then. I think I'm up to you now. I see it. 11. No, I think you can have... You can go up to 12 and a half. How about that? 12 and a half. Executive decision. OK. 12 and a half. How about that? 12 and a half. Executive decision.

Okay. Yeah. 12 and a half points. Dave, what's your favourite way, or Simon to Dave, what's Dave's favourite way to celebrate an accomplishment? So, you know, something big that's happened. His baby. He's had a baby.

How does he celebrate? Or anything. Like, he got a degree or, you know. Has he got a degree? Have you got a degree, Dave? I don't have a degree, no. Whatever you've got. He joined the army. Of course. Like he got a degree or you know. Has he got a degree? Have you got a degree Dave? I don't have a degree. No. Whatever you've got.

He joined the army. Of course he doesn't have a degree. He got out of the army. Celebrate. No. Celebrate. I can't say that. Oh my God.

They'll come after me. Do you know what happens like in your life? Sometimes you want to celebrate occasionally you just need an excuse to celebrate and then you go out

or you do something or something happens and you what's your favourite way of celebrating an accomplishment? So, Dave, Simon, we'll just go. Okay. I think he goes out, he has a slap-up full English breakfast.

Okay. At his favourite cafe. So he's treating himself for the whole day. It's not just an evening. It's the whole day. You wake up, you're like, celebration day. He doesn't have the breakfast for breakfast. It's a full English all-day breakfast.

Where does he go? Does he cook it himself? No, he goes out somewhere. He goes out to, I don't know, Wetherspoons. And he has a full English breakfast. Right. And he has a massive mug of milky coffee with lots of sugar. Okay.

And then he will meet up with a few mates, have some beers in a pub, he doesn't do clubbing or any of that, maybe he'll go bowling to celebrate I like these suggestions and I reckon he drinks proper ale when he goes out and drinks

he doesn't drink like lager or wine or spirits so much I get a lot of information here. This is good. So, how correct am I, David Chaos? This was a good answer. Good answer. Yeah.

It would be a different order, though. I'm slightly stunned. It would be a different order. You end it with a breakfast. Yeah, I would definitely go out for drinks. But I do drink lager, unfortunately. Southern Comfort. No.

I like a bit of Southern Comfort. Oh, beautiful. And yeah, if I'm feeling up to it, I probably would go bowling. Yeah, I do do bowling. What about the full English? Yeah, that would come the day after to cure my hangover. Ah, yeah, staying up all night with the lads. Yeah, that was pretty good.

That was, yeah, pretty close. So how many points are you going to give me, Dave? Come on. Are we going to do this out of... Shall we do it out of ten? That's very generous. Well, we'll knock some off because you got the order wrong. Okay.

So we'll knock one off and the drink wrong. But everything else is right. So that's 8 points there. 8 points? Yeah, why not? So I'm up to 20 and a half. That sounds good. Hell of a good job. Wow, that's pretty impressive. Let's have another little quick version

of this. Related to the full english breakfast how does dave have his what's his what's his what's his go-to things on the plate of the full english breakfast how does what does he have for breakfast what does the plate look like yeah in the dream the dream english it's got to have at least two sausages um plenty of bacon not streaky bacon real bacon that's got big bits of meat um black pudding beans uh a couple of fried eggs definitely um maybe not so keen on the mushrooms maybe he wouldn't go for the mushrooms um maybe not fried bread, but toast instead. Some really thick toast with butter. Probably not fried tomatoes.

Oh my God, I'm so hungry now. I'm so sorry, all of our audience. Yeah, everyone's like, oh, food. Well, see you later. I'm going to wear this. Sponsored. Oh God, that deal. Is that deal coming?

Oh, I don't know. Dave. It's all printed. Printing off all these deals. All these contracts are printing off. It's sponsored. Oh, God, that deal. Is that deal coming? Oh, I don't know. Dave. So we're printing off all these deals. All these contracts are printing off. It's fine. I reckon we'll do it differently this time. I think we should give you a point for every one that you got right.

Okay. So the bacon was definitely right. I like real bacon. None of this streaky crap. None of this American. No, no, sub that. Real bacon, definitely. So that's a point for that.

Canadian bacon, they call it over there, don't they? Oh, do they? Beans, yeah, definitely have beans. The eggs, the sausages was right. I said no mushrooms and no fried tomatoes and no fried toast, fried bread. So, yeah, you can have a point for all three of them. Oh, look at that.

Because I don't like mushrooms or tomatoes, so that's good. But you said black pudding. I don't do black pudding, so... Oh, so that's another point. Is that seven? A weird one, though. So seven. I got seven for that.

Hells. Here we go. How are we doing now? Hells to the bells. That was fantastic. Good. That was pretty good. You won like...

Oh, the coffee. Seven and a half. Milky coffee as well, you said, didn't you? So, milky coffee as well. Yeah, yeah. I do like a lot of milk in my coffee. 29 and a half. 31.

30 and a half. There you go. Just have fun. 30 and a half. That's better than hat films, I think. You're doing really well. This is good. It's going well.

You should ask your final question in which I could lose like 20 points just to mess with me. I've still got a couple. I've got one more and then we'll get the final question. Okay. Next question is Dave. What is Dave's favourite musical instrument of choice? What did he get? To play or listen to?

To play. So what did he get taught to play or play as a child or play as a kid? What's his? There's one in this room right now. Oh, my God. Can I see it? Is it there in the shot? That would give the game away ever so slightly.

Just a little bit, yeah. What do you think, Simon? What do you think? I think it's something obscure. I don't think it's a guitar. I don't think it's a piano or keyboard. I think it might be something you blow into. I'm going to say an oboe or flute or saxophone.

Oh, what's he got? He's going for it. Took it to B. You ready? Yeah. It's a guitar. Oh, come on. Oh, Simon.

Oh, mistakes. Yeah. Sorry. Oh, it's a lovely guitar. Oh, mistakes. Sorry. Oh, that is a lovely guitar. Well, there you go. An old one. I tricked you there. I thought you were in the mind of your parents forcing you to do it in school.

Do you have to play an instrument in school, Simon? I couldn't really play anything at all. I was useless when it comes to musical instruments. You didn't have the lungs for it or the musical taste I didn't really have the coordination for it It's also why I'm so bad at video games for the same reason

That sort of hand-eye coordination isn't really there Don't worry about it, that was great You did very very well, Dave Thank you so much for coming on the show. Final question. It's been really good. Final question, again, related to food,

but we talked a lot about food. Are you hungry, Lewis, by any chance? I'm going to go right now. I want to get this over and done with so I can go and get a pie. Of course, Simple Simon was a pie man. So, Dave, what's Dave's favourite type of pie, Simon? This is really the defining moment

where you really test if you know the man. His pie filling of choice. Yeah. Oh, this is... He's a strong Brit. He's an army man. He's an army man. He loves a full English.

He does. He's got kids. He's a dad. He's a daddy. He likes Frosties. He likes the A-Team. He loves the A-Team and Frosties. Oh, he wanted to be an army man, he had Action Man. Oh, he's quite traditional and he doesn't like mushrooms,

so it's not going to be chicken and mushroom. I don't... Maybe it's a fruit. Maybe it's a fruit filling. Where are you getting this sense from? I can feel it. It's like the pie sense is tingling in your head. I reckon he likes a good cherry pie. A cherry pie?

Cherry pie. Sorry. Oh. No. What was going on with your pie sense? Who eats cherry pie? Cherry pie? I've never even seen a cherry pie.

What do you like, Dave? What is your pie? I was thinking meat and potato pie. Meat and potato pie. Meat and potato pie. I was thinking meat pie as well, because it's from up north. Where are you originally from? Your family, Dave.

Manchester Salford area. Yeah. My accent comes through every now and then. That's right. Especially when you talk about pies, pie shops and things like that. I can't believe it. I totally blew it at that final answer.

What were you thinking? Your pie radar was completely scrambled. I'm so sorry, everyone. You were leaning towards the savoury and you almost said meat pie and then you got blindsided by a juggernaut and you went with something crazy. I've let myself down.

I've let you guys down, Lewis and Dave. I've let the viewers down. I've let Polaris down. I've let Jaffa Cakes down. I've let everyone down. Last minute've let Jaffa Cakes down. I've let everyone down. Last minute sponsorship. Just whacking that in there. I've got it here.

I've got it. It's $20 million, Lewis. $20 million. Good. Well, look, thank you very much, Dave. That was good. It was good to be on. Thanks, Simon.

You're welcome. Thanks for coming, Dave. Bye. Bye. Bye. Thank you for watching. Oh, that was madness.