Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep. 6 Ft. Jesse Cox

Episode Date: November 16, 2013

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Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome to Simple Simon. Welcome back to Simple Simon. This week our guest is Jesse Cox, the fabulous, wonderful Jesse. You want to speak, Jesse, so that the camera goes over to you. Hello. I don't use Google Hangouts.

No one who's important uses Google Hangouts. That's quite insulting because we use them for this. So you're saying we're not important? There goes the sponsorship deal with Google Hangouts. I've never said that.

$20 million it was, Lewis. $20 million. That's gone. Out the window. I was taken out of context. That's not what I said. That's okay, Jesse. That's fine.

So this game, basically, I'm going to ask Simon questions about you, and he's going to try and get them right, and you can give him points based on it. Oh, actually, Simon, as well, if you look in your drawer, you should find that I put an incentive for you this game. In my drawer? I put a packet of Jaffa Cakes into your drawer.

Or... I've got a load of unsigned cards that I haven't done. You're supposed to sign those. That's the fan mail that you're supposed to have returned. You've not done that. I've got a gun. Hang on.

Let me have a rummage. Ah, look. Look what I've got here. So basically, Jesse, you can decide how many Jaffa Cakes, or points, as we're going to call them, Jaffa Cakes, Simon gets for getting answers right. Don't even allow the whole point. I'm going to send someone in there.

One point to Simon. You can't give me a point already. I just did. One point to Simon. One point. And you're not allowed to eat them either because, well, one, I didn't want to tell you this, but they may be out of date. Wait, what?

I was going to save that until the end. Have you already eaten one? Eat it. Eat it. What does that say? What's that say on there, Lewis? Can you read that? What does that say?

Oh, dear. Of MC. They're fine. That's American date format. So the 13th month. Oh, God. 13th month. The 13th month.

Brilliant. Amazing. So, Jovember, when that comes over. Jovember is the 13th month. Yeah, they're good until Jovember. So I've got one point already. One Jaffa. Eat it. You have to eat it. One point. It is three months out of

date, Jesse. I will die. I'm really... I didn't expect him to get quite... I didn't expect him to get any points. I thought you weren't going to give him any points too, Jesse. I thought we were going off Harry Potter scores. Simon Dore gets one point. What's your fault for Simon Dore?

Thank you. I don't know which teacher that was. Hermione, I think. She's probably a teacher now. She's old enough. Oh, she's old. Let's ask some questions. So a demo question, which we don't really need, but we will.

What does Jesse do when he goes to a coffee shop? So, what's the order in a coffee shop? Simple question, Simon. Right, okay. Quick. I reckon he has a Frappuccino with cream. You're making this up now. I'm not sure you know what you're talking about.

He has a caramel latte. A caramel latte with cream. Jesse. You were this close. Caramel frappuccino is the correct answer. You mixed it up. You mixed it up. No, he knew. He knew.

It was the Simon, the pie. We talked about this last time. The pie radar, the pie waves, they came through into his head. And the pie waves came into my head. That's right. If that question was about pie, you would have gotten it. If he would have asked you what my favorite pie was, you would have had it.

Okay. Oh my God. Well, that is the final question. So keep that to yourself. We should, we should, how many points do you think you should get for that, Jesse? Oh, negative one. Put the, put it back. Well, I'm gonna put the Jaffa back.

The outdate Jaffa. After you've licked it, put it back. Why are we so unprofessional that we don't even have like... Indate Jaffa cakes. I don't know. I don't know. It's a very good question, Lewis. It's a very good question.

Let's do question two. Okay. So, Simon, what job did Jesse have before YouTube? Simple question. You should probably know this. Yeah. I mean, me and Jesse, you know, we know each other really well.

Very well, very well. We go back years. Yeah, yeah, years and years. Since 1962. 62, that was when we were born. Back in Namru. We've got the same mother. We were born out of her vagina.

Her name is Anise Von Clare. We were actually born at the same time, embracing each other as babies. True. The Austrian mountains. Was it the Sound of Music era? We were both born with full beards. True.

It was one beard that we shared. We were basically co-joined twins, sharing the same beard. By the beard. We had to have surgery to remove, sharing the same beard. By the beard. Yeah, yeah. They had to do an operation. We had to have surgery to remove the, you know, cut the beard between us. It was really, we really just went to a barbershop, but it was still highly, you know, strategical. It was so basic to be separated from your twin. Strategical. It was strategical.

They called in the army. They were like, we don't know what to do, sir. A surgical strike on our beard. There called in the army. They were like, we don't know what to do, sir. A surgical strike on our beard. There you go. Yeah. What job did... I reckon he was a barber. Clearly.

He knows a lot about male grooming techniques and beards in particular. He did give you a little hint earlier at the very start of the show to what he might have been, But you won't remember that. He was a barista. This word? No. A barrister. Go on, Jesse. Tell us. I was a teacher.

I taught. I educated the youth. What? A very noble profession. They let you do that? But what kind of things did you teach them? What were they doing? Like making bombs?

Can I tell him? Yeah. Or is that a question? Go crazy. Because the American education system is so damn classy, they combined English and history into humanities, and I got to teach that to the to what I would like to call the inner city kids take that how you will

it's a foreign word to us inner city kids are you implying that there was a certain colour involved no implication no no no just class you know the downtrodden youth and you were teaching them histlish or ingtery It's like, you know, the downtrodden youth of... And you were teaching them Histlish.

Yes, exactly. Or Inktory. Inktory. They didn't want to pay for two teachers, so I taught two things. What's your favorite period of history, then? I mean, what history do you love? Oh, man.

I'm a sucker for ancient China. The more you know about China, kids, the more it'll help you in the future when they run everything. Yeah, but it's not gonna be ancient Chinese that are running everything. So that information is gonna be out of date. How do you know?

How do you know? Like the Jaffas. Information, much like Jaffa Cakes, horribly out of date on this show. You just don't know that. you don't know what could happen General P.F. Chang could come back and take over the world

I don't know who anything is P.F. Chang was a great general who ruled in China for several hundred years so much so that his legacy continues today in the form of overpriced, poorly made food. I feel like I am learning a little bit

about ancient Chinese history because I've been playing World of Warcraft Mists of Pandaria again. Oh, I mean, that's China. Oh, yeah, no. They have giant pandas that walk around over there attacking men with kung fu. It's exactly the same nowadays, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a hard life over there. It's a simulation, really. Are there shahs? The corruption of World of Warcraft. Let's move on. So, tech question next. Jesse, imagine you're walking along the street.

Along the street. God, I went into a Chinese then. Have you been drinking gin? Imagine you're walking along the street. Right, that's racist. You can't say that. That is an impression of a Chinese person. It's not racist because it's a panda from Pandaria.

Therefore, it's not racist. Sorry. Because they actually talk like that in the game. It was in poor taste. Imagine you're walking on the street and you hear a chink and you've dropped a coin on the floor. You can't say chink.

That's racist too. No. Right? Lewis, you've got to be careful. You hear a chink and there's a coin. A coin drops on the floor and what does Jesse do?

Oh my God. What does he do? Well, first of all, he's American so if he heard a coin drop he probably wouldn't give a shit because it would just be a quarter. So who cares, it's only a quarter and he wouldn't do anything. He would just keep on walking, he'd keep on trucking. Jesse. That is absolutely correct.

Money is useless to us. We operate on the ego dollar. Yeah. Everything is going to be gold now. Old miners rule this country. Old grizzled miners like, I'm going to get it, I am. Yeah, I'm going to get gold. I'm going to get me some gold.

True story. You two are brothers from another mother That was very strange to watch Same mother We've got the same mother Same mother And he's von Wildenstein Yeah, that's the name

They moved to America during the gold rush True And Simon came back Our father was in fact an old grizzled miner Pickaxe and overalls That's all he wore and he he walked around the street going oh i'm gonna get me that gold and our mother anise von gildenstern yeah she uh she slept with him out of pity and then and then then left to an accident jesse were we an

accident is that what you're saying well i was planned you we an accident, Jesse? Were we an accident? Is that what you're saying? Well, I was planned you were an accident. But we're twins. They wanted me. How does that work? Well, look, look. I'm not our mother, okay? I can't tell you what she wanted.

I know she wanted me. It's not my fault that she shipped you overseas. She wanted to get rid of you so badly. I was adopted. Questions, whatever. Jaffas. How many Jaffas have been awarded? That answer, because it's so true of all Americans,

that is a four Jaffa answer. Wow. So you really would just walk on and leave the quarter on the floor? How do I know that's not a terrorist? The coin is a terrorist. What? Okay, I'm just going to leave that one. What's Jesse's best scar or best tattoo?

And what's the story of how Jesse got it, Simon? I reckon he has two in his back. He's got two imprinted high heel two in his back. He's got two imprinted high heel prints in his back, his lower back. From Vegas that one time. From that time in Vegas that we don't talk about. Two high heels in the lower back. Yeah. He married a stripper, but it got annulled because she's a stripper and he sobered up and he

realized that something terrible had happened and she was only after his internet points so I reckon he's got prints shoe prints boot prints in his in his back what about tattoos has he got any tattoos? No, he's got no tattoos. No tattoos. What about... Are you drinking? What's going on? People don't think this is real, though. So I'm showing them that this is actually a real thing,

that I do actually have actual stuff and I do use it. It's not a prop. This is Hollywood. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That was the most cryptic. People don't think it's real that I have stuff. I'm going to use it. It's not Hollywood. What are you using?

I bought him a drinks cabinet and it's behind him there with the owl and loads of bottles of booze and he's showing us by getting drunk that it's real alcohol and not a prop. Is this how you get through the day now? You just drink the day away? It's half five.

It's knocking off time. Is that five it's knocking off time is that what it's like at yogs tower it's so hard woke it up doesn't mean that we can't party hard now the evening is here just america is the center of the world i don't know what the hell happens over there but over here it's fine it's perfectly acceptable to drink gin. I don't. I don't. That's insane. That's insane talk. Jesse, do you have any scars or tattoos? It's over close. Obviously, I have married many strippers. No regrets. No regrets.

Cinnamon, Jasmine, Cristal. No regrets. I love them all. But I do have one scar. It's on my fist. You can't really see it. have one scar. It's on my fist. You can't really see it. Maybe you can. It's on that knuckle right there.

Uh, it's from when I thought I was a badass as a kid and got in a fight with a dude and punched him, but I punched him in the tooth and rather than like chip his tooth or whatever, his tooth cut into my, Oh yeah. That's quite blood everywhere. Oh yes. And that's when I decided I will never fight again. Cause I think that's quite common. There's blood everywhere. Oh, yes. And that's when I decided I will never fight again because I'm quite bad at this.

I think that's one of these things that you don't see in Hollywood that everyone in Hollywood just goes bang and knocks people out and they are out. But really, when you punch someone in the face,

you bleed your knuckles and often the most dangerous thing is to do that because you get infected by all of their saliva and stuff. Oh, God. Oh, that's horrible. You get necrosis or whatever it is in your hand

and it would fall off. Here's the thing, though. I thought it was fine. So, you know, it was this big gash and I'm like, it'll be okay. It's just a little blood. I go home and at this point, I'm very, very tired. Like, something's wrong. I don't know it'll be okay. It's just a little blood. I go home and at this point I'm very, very tired. Like something's wrong.

I don't know. Something's tired. I go and lay down for like three hours. Jasmine's there like, Jessie, what's wrong, buddy? Oh, Jasmine. All the strippers are all just crowding around. Oh yeah.

And it was bad. But I woke up and was like, well, this hasn't healed. I don't know why I thought it would. I was young and dumb and went to the hospital. And they're like, what did you do? And I was like, fell downstairs. Don't mess with me, bitch.

That's what you said to them. Yep. I Jesse Pinkman them. Oh, my God. I was like, yeah, bitch. That's what I said to them. Jesse Pinkman. They were like, well, yes. I don't know who that them. Jesse Pinkman. They were like, well, yes.

I don't know who that is, Lewis. Who is that? Oh, my God. Have you not? Oh, I don't even want to go there. Jesse Pinkman? Have you not watched Breaking Bad, Simon? Breaking what?

How are we going to get into this? No, we're not going to get into that. No World of Warcraft, no Breaking Bad. Jesse, do you actually get a lot of people mentioning that? Jesse Pinkman, that name thing? No, no. No, because he's an attractive, talented actor and I'm a guy on the internet who acts like a fool.

No, I'm pretty sure there's no association. Well, he's a character anyway. He's not like, he's not Darren Paul. False. He is a real person. Jesse Pinkman is real. He's a real human. Next question.

Jesse, if Jesse had a theme song that played whenever he walked into a room of people you know if he's a wwe wrestler what would his theme yeah that's a good question yes that's a great question oh my god and also what would his outfit be for the wrestling um really really tight pants well that's a given. Yeah. I mean... Bright orange pants. You're thinking orange. You're thinking Jesse's gonna go with the orange. And, oh, the music. What's my theme? What's my theme? I have to have a

character. What's my character? What's his name? Do you believe in life after love? Cher? Yeah. I can feel something inside myself. I really don't think it's all you know. Oh, no. That's right on. That's don't think it's all you know.

Yeah. Oh, no, that's right on. That's right on. That's a 12 Jaffa Cake winner. Oh, my God. Obviously. We don't have 12, Lewis. I've only got one pack here.

You better buy another box. That's the whole pack. What's happened to the rest of that pack? 12. He's been eating it while we've been doing this. We've been keeping an eye on you this whole time. You've just been ingesting it. So I have the 16 Jaffa Cakes.

Holy crap. What would your wrestler name be, Jesse? Oh, Cher. They call me Cher. They call you Cher. There's already a Cher. There can't be two Chers. That's crazy.

Well, I would have stolen it from her in a wrestling match. And that would have been my victory. Instead of a title belt, I'd take her name. I'd watch that. It's like, yeah yeah i'd watch that too that's fantastic i mean she's an old woman now so that would be quite a that would be quite a sight it would be for me i would be like oh no sure you somehow got on top of me you old cougar with your plastic surgery oh my god it's like strippers again how terrible jasmine help me okay jesse you you discover uh actually no question first question first but build up to this question uh how many dates does jesse go on with someone before he introduces them to his parents. Oh, I thought that was going in a different direction.

I was about to say! I was about to say! Wow. A bit personal. The other answer is as soon as possible, ladies. Wow. So he's a man whore. Fantastic. No, no, he's introduced them to his parents as soon as possible. Oh, I see! He's a good young Christian gentleman. No, that's not, no, no, I was. Because he's a good young Christian gentleman. No, that's not.

No, no. I was talking about my penis. What? It's called pernus, first of all. It's a pernus. Use the correct term. Yes. It's the English term.

You're on an English show here, Jesse. Oh, my wanker. I beg your pardon? My queen's tool. Excuse me? My crown jewels. That's good. tool. Excuse me? My crown jewels. That's good. That's a good one, crown jewels.

My furry corgi. I beg your pardon? Don't bring corgis into it. I think Mandrew heard it. Don't listen, Mandrew. Don't listen to him. He's a very rude man. Don't listen.

So was that sexy Jesse we got there for a moment with the glasses on? Oh, that was about as sexy as I get. I'm sorry. Sorry, internet. That's about it. This is me. This is my blue steel. Ooh.

Ooh, hold on. You do it like you've got term sunburn, Simon. Ooh. And Jesse, you've got to speak when you say it. I'm not sure what that is like that wow well

was that good? hello ladies hello ladies perfect we're good we're done Good Jesus Christ So you've introduced her to your parents

And obviously your head over here Is in love with her now No no We don't know How many dates He never said how many dates Oh god Sorry how many dates

Before Jesse introduces his parents I reckon a couple of months Worth of dates I don't know A couple of months worth Yeah How many dates do you get in that time Have a guess Simon I don't know a couple of months worth yeah you're getting that time have a guess i don't know uh how often is he seeing them uh i'm talking like jesse's got a

string of women just hanging around a couple of times the one so maybe a good dozen dates a good dozen a good dozen not there could be some bad ones in there but a good yeah a good dozen and a couple of um not so goods i guess what i'm talking about is really how long you not necessarily meet their parents but but inform your parents that you're going out with someone that's a little bit different. That's a totally different question. What would the answer to that question be? Oh Jesus. I know it's very difficult

to get into the mind of Jesse. Five and a half. Okay. In the middle of a date I'm like hold on. Hold on. Just texting me mom. Okay mom. Oh my god this is the one. This is the one mom. And the girl's just my god, this is the one. This is the one, mom. And the girl's just like, what the hell is going on?

Like, hold on. I'm going to marry you. Maybe this is the one. She walks out. I'll die. Oh, this is bad. Oh, mom. I'm coming.

I'm coming. Get the lasagna ready. The answer would be as long as humanly possible. My parents are wonderful people. If you ever want to see a video of them, I did a Q&A with them. It's on my channel and it's ridiculous. But when I say wonderful, I mean kind of crazy

because here's an example. Oh, oh. Watch the video, you will automatically be like, oh yeah, no, I get it now. I get it. As an example, one of the few times I brought a girl to meet my parents, my mom brought up a Scrabble game

to play this girl to see how smart she was. And if she could come up with words on the fly, just cause. My dad... That's not totally crazy. I think if your mother was saying so. That's pretty crazy. Have you thought about children?

Are you going to have a babby up in you? Isn't that like normal parents? That would be crazy. I mean, that's pretty much like this. Playing a game of Scrabble is pretty normal. To test their intelligence is pretty weird. That's pretty weird. You bring them over, you're like, right.

Here's an IQ test. Play a game of Scrabble. Let's fill this out. And then my dad, I didn't get to my dad My dad will most likely hit on them In awkward ways So I feel like Oh yeah

They're crazy And my mom's like Jack you're old She doesn't want to be with you My dad's like oh man Oh man Oh man! Oh man! G Winnikens! Oh man! G! It's totally, totally, all these are true stories, true facts. True.

Oh yes. Real stories. Real life stories. Uh, good. Well, listen. I don't think I got any points for that. Zero. Oh no, you, all those job as I gave you were gone now.

You insulted my parents. Put them all back in the packet. All the back. They're all, they're all in the packet. All the back. They're all in the packet. Zero. We're up to zero. Did you not take any out? I put them back, because I've got 16 points, but I don't actually have 16 Jaffa cakes.

Well now you have zero points. All points. I couldn't hold them all up, because I didn't have any. Negative points. You have negative 1,000 points right now. Negative 1,000. Minus. I don't know how to do that with my fingers, Lewis. Minus 1,000. It's okay. It looks like you're trying to reach for an invisible orange.

You just can't get it. That would be your wrestler name. Invisible Orange. That's why you're orange. But if you're invisible. Full circle. Oh, that really confuses me. How can you be invisible and orange? It's like...

That's my mystique. I'm a luchador. I wear a mask. You don't know who I am. If an orange falls off of a tree in a forest and no one is there, is it invisible? Is it perceived by reality to exist at that time and place?

No. Thus it is not real. We create our realities, Simon. We create our realities. Wise words. I read that in a bottle of Snapple once. Was that an ancient Chinese proverb? See?

Well, Snapple's tea, which is ancient Chinese,? No See? That's what It all snapples tea Which is ancient Chinese So I mean it makes sense It all makes sense It all comes full circle I have an ancient Chinese proverb Do you?

Do you? If you see coin on floor Pick up and you'll have good luck What is wise words to one man Is total bollocks to another That is my ancient Chinese proverb Wisdom There you go everyone

Hope you enjoy that wisdom Jesse so you've courted this lovely lady You've discovered that she's the one Your head over heels And she absolutely loves A good homemade And handmade Dessert And she absolutely loves a good homemade and handmade dessert. Oh.

What does Jesse whip up for a special, special dessert? Angel Delight. Angel Delight he makes. What the hell is Angel Delight? I'm not sure he knows what that is. What do you get? Can you describe it to our non-UK? It's like a sort of powder that you add milk to,

you whisk it, and it makes a sort of mousse thing. And then you put it in a glass cup. That's a good description. And then you hand it to someone, and they go, ooh, Angel Delight! That's right. This is fancy! It costs you at least 70 pence.

Yeah. I'm not sure it's available anymore due to probably additives or radioactivity or something. Well, Lewis, there goes the fucking brand deal. 20 million dollars we would have gotten from Angel Delight.

20 million dollars. Thanks a bunch. Sorry about that. Angel... God, so Jesse- I'm willing to work for 10 million. Call me. We'll do a deal. I'm American Simon, call me. We'll do a deal. What would you do, Jesse? What's your specialization?

I'm really asking, Simon, what Jesse can cook. You know, what do you think he can whip up? I will give you a really legit answer here. Like, the most honest answer you'll ever get out of me True facts Serious business Back to business What can Jesse actually make dessert wise

A cheesecake A really nice Fancy Strawberry cheesecake. Jesse? First off, no. Oh, come on. I don't... It's quite complicated.

It is. It's too complicated for me. Here's the thing. I have levels like Angel Delight I can make because it's easy and affordable and tastes great. Angel Delight. Buy some now. But...

Bad brand deal's back on. Simon, I've got the brand deal. It's right here. You've got a brand deal. It's right back on. $10 million. Put the name on it. It says Jesse Cooks.

God damn it. Son of a bitch. We'll split it. Angel Delight. It's Angel Delastic. It's angel-tastic. It's delightful. You get the slogan for free. I could have that for free.

Do you want to do it again? Honest, honest, no, no. We're moving on. I'd rather not go experience that again. So, honest, true honest answers. Here's the deal. I am a horrible cook when it comes to anything more complicated than

following instructions on a pre-made meal. So, um, I would say that here's how you can tell if I really like you, ladies. If you're a young lady and I make you Angel of the Light, it means that

I give no shits about you. Angel of the Light, it means that I give no shits about you. Angel of the Light's garbage. But! But! But if I then, if I order If I order something really nice, like if we go out to dinner

and I order something really, really expensive and nice for you, it means I kind of want to impress you. It's not about not ordering but you're making it oh no i would never make it i don't like anyone that much oh so you would never make a dessert for a girl ever no the dessert is me oh snap Oh, snap. The dessert's gone bad. It's off. It's passed its sell-by date a little bit. Next, do you believe... In life after love.

Does Jesse believe in life after love? Yes. Or indeed life after death or ghosts or evil spirits or supernatural things? Or has Jesse had a religious or spiritual or mythological experience? I did hang out with Hercules for a while. We were besties. I helped him slay a few tigers.

All true. Has Jesse had anything? Because some people, I won't say who, Hannah, is a little bit suspicious sometimes about stuff that happens. We used to live in this this basement in our house and i would tease her about it being haunted by the ghost because it was like an old culture and i was like an old woman had died in the cold shed and i used to tease her

about it and she actually got very very anxious about it and didn't didn't appreciate it at all so has jesse ever had an experience or do you think he would he would be that way inclined to believe in supernatural things or does he believe in anything supernatural simon um i don't know i mean he's american so he probably does believe in some sort of bollocks um but specifically i don't really know maybe he believes in ghosts but i don't really know. Maybe he believes in ghosts, but I don't think he believes in, I don't know, angels or going up to heaven with God in a big white robe and a beard. Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, Jesse.

Welcome to heaven. Because God is Santa Claus, apparently. Of course, of course. I don't know. Maybe he believes in ghosts a bit or something or spooks or spirits. I don't know. Ghosts or spooks or spirits. Okay.

So you don't know. I think he's seen a ghost. You think Jesse's... Okay, good. Right. Well, that's a good answer. Let's plug that in. Jesse. Okay, good.

Right. Well, that's a good answer. Let's plug that in. Jesse. I have experience with not believing in ghosts, mostly because I'm one of those people who must see stuff. Like, I'm one of those realists. Like, if I don't see it, I don't... Crazy people aren't going to convince me.

But with that said, if I was ever to see a ghost, I'm open to the possibility. Ghosts, if you want to come visit me, I'm open to the possibility of you visiting me. But, with that said, if I was ever to see a ghost, I'm open to the possibility. Ghosts, if you want to come visit me, I'm open to the possibility of you visiting me. But, with that said, my parents live in a little... My parents live in a little

community place where their house is right next to a massive national cemetery for Civil War veterans that was literally built on top of an Indian burial ground. So if there was ever the potential for ghosts to exist, I would assume it would be in their house.

But I've yet to see one. Yes. So like Indian burial ground is pretty old. And then Civil War, I mean, that was a while ago. So yeah, basically there's an Indian burial ground and they old and then Civil War. I mean that was a while ago So so yeah, basically they there's an Indian burial ground and they're like we need the land So they built another they built a cemetery on top of it to bury Civil War like people who died in the Civil War at a battle nearby So if there is any potential for ghosts to exist it would be at that spot in my parents house

Just like whoa crazy Never seen not seen anything ever. No. He's never seen a ghost. He doesn't believe in it. No. Although I do like listening to Coast to Coast AM, listen to that show. It's the best show for crazy people.

Makes me happy. Okay. For crazy people. No points. No Jaffas. Oh, no. But you know what? You get one for trying. You get a Jaffa for trying. For trying. No Jaffas. Oh, no. You know what? You get one for trying.

You get a Jaffa for trying. For trying. That just, wow. That'll keep you going. Delicious. That's very patronising, but at least it's one. That's why I gave it to you. Jesse, you have been hired to a marketing PR manager position at Kellogg's

or an apartment cereal manufacturer. I have a thing about cereal on the show. What would you put in to your new breakfast cereal that you're making as a gimmick? Or what would be your thing? So there's a toy or something has been put in this cereal yeah or like or like an ingredient you know like what crack it's frosties but instead of sugar it's crack i'm just thinking what jesse what you think jesse's kind of cereal of choices where he goes to does he have you know what what kind of things he's

like to like freeze dried strawberries or marshm you know what kind of things does he like does he like freeze dried strawberries or marshmallows and what kind of he would put there would be little sugary blue rocks

and it would be like breaking bad meth cereal it'd be called breaking fast like breakfast and that would be his special cereal

that's a great idea that's a really good idea whatever answer cereal. That's a great idea. That's a really good idea. Whatever answer I had, that's a winner. I'm stealing that. I'm going. That's a fantastic idea. Coming to shelves.

2014. Here's the thing, though. I feel like sugar candy and or meth would be bad for a cereal. Maybe instead. You think meth would be bad in a cereal? That's a very controversial opinion, Jesse Cox. I feel like it would be bad for a cereal, maybe instead it's... You think meth would be bad in a cereal? That's a very controversial opinion, Jesse Cox. I feel like it would be. I don't want to go out on a limb and say meth bad for cereal.

It's not because meth is bad for you. It's because meth doesn't mix well with milk. And I'm not... I think it would get soggy. No one wants soggy meth. Meth doesn't go well with milk. Turns the milk blue Turns it blue Turns it chocolatey

No, that'd be great Nothing is better Turns the milk meth-y Yeah Oh, there's a weird aftertaste Oh, it's awful It's awful I would suggest making the meth

Actually little blue marshmallows And that way Everyone everyone can enjoy it. It's like a tie-in. Oh, I like this. That could be very profitable. Kellogg's, if you're interested in hiring that idea, Jesse's available. I've just heard from Kellogg's and a $20 million deal.

The brand deal's on. Hooray! This is great guys you guys are making a lot of money it's a shame Kellogg's is a horrible company that uses slave labor and beat children so that's a shame

it's gone we blew it it's gone 20 million dollars lost I'm just telling how it is thanks a lot Jesse thanks a whole bunch Captain Crunch was a slave trader Oh wait that's General Mills Stop it, you're digging a hole

Jesse Don't dig a hole What does Jesse keep in his wallet Why that's your catchphrase From a year and a half ago What does Jesse keep in his wallet aside from money and credit cards?

Prophylactics. I have it right here. Do you think he really has one of them in there? He has a single prophylactic that is two years out of date. It's actually old Geronimo. It's made of like a sheep's intestine.

Rubberised leather. It was handed to him by his father that he used it, and he got it from his grandfather. It's the family condom. Old Geronimo. Yeah. Old Geronimo. It makes sense.

That's the cry that you utter as you embark upon your prize. Wow. What a euphemism. What is actually in there, Simon? Come on. Business cards. Business cards, right? We're going to get to lots of cyber first, Jesse.

Some real ones. Library card. Oh, okay. No, not a library card. Jesus Christ, Lewis. The internet exists now. We don't need libraries. Nectar card.

Nectar? No. Do you think he's one of these people who hoards receipts? No, I don't think so. Maybe he's got ticket stubs. To exclusive clubs and exclusive parties. Does he keep other people's business cards? Come on, Simon, give me a bit of insight.

I think he's got some of his own business cards. He's got some of other people's. He's got some ticket stubs for maybe something he saw at the cinema or a gig he went to. You don't think he's tidy and he would clean all this stuff out and it would be stripped down? Nope. He's not got a money clip either because we've seen the wallet,

so that's been spoiled. So you reckon he's just got junk in there? What about receipts from like supermarkets? Food receipts and stuff? Maybe not food receipts. Maybe a restaurant bill or something. Okay. I think that's enough.

That's enough guesswork. Jesse, what have you got? Okay, so I pulled stuff out so no one would see the numbers. I don't need that. Oh God, that would be bad. Yes, but I also have things in here, too, so we'll get to that. I have my ID. I have a AAA card.

AAA, they'll help you out. I have the card of an accountant. I have a silver medallion for Delta Sky Miles. I have a Marriott's reward card. I don't know what any of this shit is. I've never fucking heard of any of these things. I have my California insurance card and two credit cards are in there.

Well, actually, one's a bank card and one's a credit card. Then, the most important things that I can actually pull out of here are a... One Starbucks gift card. Starbucks. They make your coffee really expensive. And one pinkberry card, because pinkberry, it's like frozen yogurt.

Oh, yeah. But better. We have angelberry here. Do we? Yes. I've never seen one of those. Where's that? There's one in Bristol near the waterfront.

Can you get me one tomorrow? Well, it's about 15 minutes away. And it's cold. And it's raining. You're very miserly. Look at you all hunched over there like a miserable git. Like, I'm not giving you my yoghurt, you fucker. Oh, my God.

So, Jesse, you haven't got any? you fucker oh my god so Jesse I have $33 and a a thing here that honors me a limited edition hobbit cocktail at the hobbit pub in Southampton

Southampton's pride and joy the hobbit pub in England I earned this Hobbit pub in Southampton. Southampton's Pride and Joy. The Hobbit pub. Located in England. I earned this. I earned the right to drink a horrible drink after drinking 12 really good drinks.

You had 12 drinks there? In a night, yeah. Can you tell us more about this story? What happened? When we were there in March for GammaCon, Dodger and I went to Southampton because we were like, there's a Hobbit pub. Oh, in England?

We want to go there. Yeah. When you were here? Yeah. I thought Southampton... You were saying it in such an American way. I thought it was somewhere in LA. Is it Southampton?

Is that what it is? Southampton. Southampton. Yeah. All right. So we went to that place, and there's a place there. Well, how are you ever going to redeem this? Are you going to have to? Surely it will be out of paper.

No, I drank it when I was there. It entitles me to get more of it if I choose. It's called the Nazgul. So you had to drink the fellowship. You had to have each member of the fellowship has their own drink, and so you had to drink that plus, like, the Elrond and, like, the Bilbo and things like that. So you had to drink that plus like the Elrond and like the Bilbo and things like that So you had to drink them on a little sheet and they would stamp it each time We had one and we had a fan meet up there and so fans kept buying me drinks

And I you know, I'm not gonna turn the fellowship. What were the fair night? Yes, what were the fellowship drinks then? Uh, I remember Gandalf was blue. I don't remember Blur off to that. Oh i mean really it was the blue gandalf was blue i think it was like electric lightning but look i don't remember i know that um it was like a wkd blue that's all it was like in a pint i think he was i think he was gimli had root beer in it, but it also had something else. It was all alcohol. I just don't remember what it was. It was quite the blur.

I remember at some point we got dinner at a kebab place and brought it back, but then I never actually got to eat any of it. Because it felt weird. It felt weird trying to eat with like. That makes it sound very classy when you say that. Kebab. Oh, it was a kebab place. I don't know. It was a guy. They served pizzas and kebabs. Don't look at me. It Oh, it was a kebab place. I don't know it was a guy.

They served pizzas and kebabs. Don't look at me. It was a man that sold kebabs, Jesse. Get it right. And so we tried to eat, but there were so many people there that it felt really awkward eating in front of, like, standing there just eating in front of people who had come to hang out.

With food then. And everyone else was just watching. No, no. Dodge and I went to this place and we got food and we're sitting there just eating and there's like an entire crowd of people just like watching us I was like no this is weird this is real weird so I didn't actually get to eat and instead just drank all night and that was a bad

decision so you drank like I'm imagining it like one of those chess chess boards novelty chess boards where it's like all different shots and different kinds of drink all colorful. They were mixed drinks, not shots. So there was a lot of filler compared to alcohol

content. So as much as I want to be like oh my god, I was so wasted no, no, not really. It was a lot of like this is 90% root beer and like this much, I don't know what was in it. That's how we do drinks in this country though. You guys are weird. Spirits is this much and mixes is like up to here.

That's how we do them. When someone's pouring you a drink in the UK, they get one of those little metal cylinders and they fill it up just to the top. And they're like, right, you're not getting one drip more. Whereas in America, they just like split and squash. And then they put a tiny squirt of Coke in the top. I never understood until I went there

that you guys really like ciders. I always thought you, like, the UK was, you know, you were down in pints of lager, ale. It's like it's all foreign terms to you. And it is. That's why. That cider is the south of England, certainly. Big old cider.

That must be it because that's where we spent most of our time. But literally everywhere we went, people were like, can I have a cider? And we're like, do people not order like ales and beers? No They're like no ciders. There's peach cider and strawberry No, we're not really too bad well Jesse I'm surprised you haven't got a stack of receipts in there because you know I'm I'm used to having like just a bulging I like I lied to you when I said it was just money. Of course their are receipts. There's $33 and a bunch of receipts. Yes.

I lied. I don't really have anything interesting in my wallet. Just cards and money. Just the girl's phone numbers. I've got my authenticator. I've got my WoW authenticator. In your wallet? Attached to my wallet.

So he never loses it. All right. Good. All right. Good. Good job. How are we going to find you a wife, Simon? How are we going to find you a wife if you are walking around with an authenticator on your damn wallet? When you pull out to pay for dinner, she's like, oh, what's that, dairy? And you're going to be like, it's an authenticator.

She'll be like, for what? And you'll be like, uh, you'll be like uh warcraft and then she'll walk up she'll just walk away she won't even say goodbye she'll stand up and be like well this was pleasant and just walk away you'll never see her again i i think i think that that you just the suit should adjust you to all these things you just need to find someone who recognizes it you know someone who sees it hanging off the wallet and they're thinking oh that man he's the one for me he's no you don't want no you don't want that person you don't want that girl she's gonna use you for your gold dude no you can spare a few gold if that's the worst that's the worst of it then you know take it i like how your best advice was like, you can spare a few gold. Like, don't even worry about it.

Look, dude, spare a few gold. That's what I'm saying. If you find a keeper, spare a few gold. It'll be worth it. It'll come back to you. Next. Well, next. Almost the last question.

We're nearly there, Jesse. Don't worry. Not much further. I've got to put stuff back in my wallet. Continue, please. When Jesse's using the bathroom at someone else's house does he what does he do

you know what does he do yeah I imagine he relieves his bladder or bowels and then good answer he wipes

any area clean and then perhaps washes his hands afterwards and then he rum his hands afterwards. And then he rummages around in their medicine cabinet, trying to find drugs, and looks for interesting pills and painkillers,

and just grabs a handful and chomps them down, and then he dives back into the party. Jesse. All that is true. You rummage around in the medicine cabinet. All of it. It's all true. It's just

coming out now. It's all true. Oh my god. If I'm not high on your painkillers at a party, it's your fault. In fact, if I'm coming over to your house, you should open up that safety cap, because that's just going to slow house, you should open up that safety cap.

Because that's just going to slow me down. And just leave it out on the counter. The childproof ones. The childproof ones, yeah. Just open that up for me. Leave it out on the counter. With a little note that says, like, thanks for coming. And I'll just pop a few, come back to the party, and I will be A-OK.

Fantastic. And lastly, what is Jesse's favorite guilty pleasure? and I will be a-okay fantastic and lastly what is Jesse's favourite guilty pleasure? masturbation I think we'll cut these last two questions oh my god

well look there you go that's all we've got time for today wait thank you very much everyone there's one final question

and you've forgotten already oh of course I forgot the final question. Any forgotten already? Oh, of course. I forgot the final question. Oh, I'm an idiot. Sorry. So, Jesse, of course,

Sybil Simon, he was a pie man. He loved to make pies. That was his thing. So Simon has like pie sense and he will now guess what your favourite pie was, Jesse, or is. What's your go-to pie? When we say the word pie, what comes into your head?

Simon. Why, that's like the first question that you asked when you said, and I was like, you should have guessed what pie. Wow. It's come full circle. That's supposed to be the last question. Wow. It's come full circle, and I reckon, I reckon, oh, God.

Come on, use Channel Across the Atlantic, Simon. Simon, Simon, Simon, Simon. Simon! Simon! Simon! Simon! Look at me. Lemon curd pie. Lemon curd pie.

I'm not even sure they have that in America. Lemon meringue pie. Jesse? What the hell's the matter with you? Cherry. Cherry pie. Oh, I knew it. Jesse what the hell is the matter with you Cherry Cherry Pie I knew it I told you I guessed that

God fucking damn it bring me those Jaffas I win them all you lose I told him last episode I said to him last episode I said you are channeling Jesse Cox

when you guessed Cherry Pie and he guessed Cherry Pie for Dave Carroll so he'd never even heard of Joe Pye. So I guess the next guest we'll have will be Lemon Meringue. Do you think the next guest will be Lemon Meringue? Thank you, Simon. There's the Jaffers. You fucking...

There's your Jaffers. Viva la revolution! Bastard. The bearded ones will rise up. The bearded ones will rise. We'll kill all the other guys. The bearded ones will rise The bearded ones will rise We'll kill all the other guys The bearded ones will rise Because we have beards We are tough guys

The bearded ones will rise Thank you everyone for watching And we will of course see you next time On the Simple Simon Show