Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep. 7 Ft. TotalBiscuit

Episode Date: November 23, 2013

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Hello and welcome everyone to Sibyl Simon's Day. Our lovely guest is TotalBiscuit. Hello, my wonderful friend. Hello. Why did you get me up so early? It's fine. We're all bright and energy filled just because you're in America. This is unholy hour. Has TotalBiscuit died? Is this like the lich form of him that's been dug up or something? I'll go back to my phylactery, then I don't have to deal with you people

Jesse was very perky in the morning he maybe stole your energy like an energy vampire that's exactly what he does either that or hard drugs, I'm not sure which oh my god allegedly so this is a quiz show

or show, I don't know if it's much quizzing where I ask Simon simple questions About Turtle Biscuit And Simon tries to get them right So for example Simon what do you think Turtle Biscuit's favourite Multi-sided polyhedral dice is?

You know he's a big gamer A D20 D20? Yeah What's the answer? It's not wrong actually It is a D20 20 points The classic D20 20 points

20? I'm not sure you get 20 TotalBiz gets to decide how many points you get for that Simon What's the scale? How much should he be getting? It's fairly arbitrary It's basically based on how cruel you want to be You can give minus points, you can give half points,

you can give points in the form of food vouchers and other things as well. It's up to you. Entirely up to you. You earn a voucher for a six-pack of puffins. Puffins? Is that a special American drink? Puffins. No.

No, they're the penguin knockoffs from Asda. You should know that. Come on, Simon. That was one of the questions Are you kidding me Minus five points for him For not knowing what puffins are There's an actual chocolate biscuit Called a puffin

Puffin bar There's a rip off of the penguin Yep That is outrageous We should just talk about Old British food TB do you remember Panda Pops

Yes Oh my god Why Why Panda Pops? Yes. Oh my god. Why? Panda Pops. Oh, they were great. And Whams. Wham Bars. Wham Bars. Tazo Bars, man. They were the best. Tazo?

Was that a northern thing? Taz? No. There were Freddos and there were Taz Bars. I don't know if they're Freddos. They were like Freddos, but with caramel in them. We used to call them Tazo Bars. And there were 10p each, and they were the best thing ever. And then apparently they lost their license to put Tasmanian Devil on their packets. Oh, that's what it is.

That makes sense now, Tazo. So the price of Freddo's has gone up over there. Well, yeah. It's like the retail pricing index that sort of tracks the cost of living even has like the Freddo frog on there. So it was 10p and now it's like 25p or whatever. That's bollocks.

I'm sorry, it is. That's not acceptable in any way. How do you guys even deal with it? Why aren't you rioting in the streets right now? The Freddo protests of 2013 have begun, yeah. I heard steak bakes are more expensive now as well. It's outrageous. I can imagine people with blackhards in the shape of giant green frogs

and steak bakes just marching through town, like complaining. Thanks, Obama. God damn it. Thanks, Mr. Greg, you jerk. So this links to one of the questions, actually, which I'm kind of just going to randomly pick them out. Total Biscuit's favourite pick and mix. So he's in a supermarket or, you know, or maybe... He's going to the movies.

He's going to watch a movie about men fighting each other. That's right. And he's got a big bag and he's filling the bag with, like, penny sweets. That's right. But it can be, like, anything. Tazos. Exactly. There can be anything there.

So, you know, anything from his childhood or from our childhood that you think that he would remember and want to have in his ideal cinema-going sweetie collection bag. I think he likes the chocolate things. I think things like minstrels or those weird sort of like... What are they? They're like circular things with like hundreds and thousands on. Those weird things.

I don't know if they've got a name even. They do have a name. I just can't remember what those are. No. They need to sort out their sort of branding because none of us can remember what they're called. Chucky knobs. Chucky knobs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bumpy Chucky knobs. He likes those. He, yeah, yeah. Bumpy choccy knobs. He likes those. He's partial to those. Caramel or toffee or maybe fudge, I'm thinking. You're getting that, okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

How correct am I? Let's see. He's not off, I've got to say. The little thingies whose name I can't remember, absolutely. What else? You did miss Mini Eggs, which is my all-time favourite. He was very close with Minstrels, though. That Minstrels was not bad. I'll give him that.

Sometimes I get packs of Minstrels if the pick and mix wasn't very good. They're good. Minstrels are great because they don't go all melty and weird because they've got that shell keeping them together. That was a solid answer, Simon. I mean, there was a lot of choice there. He could have gone for sherbet lemons or the bonbons or anything, you know.

So how many points am I getting for that? Yeah. How many puffin bars? How many puffin bars? On the puffin index index you get 9.5 9.5 So I'm up to 15.5 Puffin bars

Wow Not bad 14.5 Did you get 5 before? I think you got 5 Add up correctly I thought it was half a dozen A pack of 6 he gave me.

Well, do they come in sixes? Yes. Okay, do you remember club bars? Yes. Is this all going to be about chocolate bars? Because I remember... If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club. Have you been approached by the people at club to do that? Because that was very in tune, Toad Biscuit.

That was all right, wasn't it? Would you take on the role of a to do that because that was very in tune, Club Biscuit. That was alright, wasn't it? Would you take on the role of a voiceover guy for that? I think so. I think I would absolutely do that. I would endorse Club Biscuits. I would sell out to them in a heartbeat. Right now, I've got the letter for a sponsorship deal from Club.

$20 million. They're going to pay you. $20 million. Not bad. pay you. $20 million. Not bad. That's a yes. Are there any questions that aren't just about food? Because this is the problem we had last time.

We just went on and on about breakfasts and stuff. I couldn't help it. I like these questions. You should eat before we do this show. Well, we should, but it builds up a healthy appetite for when we go out afterwards. So, let's get, what is, well, what is his, Simon, what is his favourite daytime TV show?

Okay, now, I'm obviously a bit partial to Pointless. Right. You know, you, Simon, you love the supermarket sweep and the bargain hunt and all sorts of stuff, don't you? What does Total Biscuit enjoy watching? His guilty daytime TV pleasure. I reckon it's trashy reality TV shows. I'm thinking stuff like Storage Wars.

Maybe, I don't know if Axemen is shown in the sort of, you know, daytime. But I think it's that kind of show that he likes. What's Axemen? What's that? Axemen. Okay, just have a think, right? The name is Axemen. What do you think it's about?

Is it about lumberjacks? It's about lumberjacks. You're right. Yes. Is it about Wolverine? Axemen, right? It's about men with axes. With Professor Ax?

So, nice. Nice. I think he likes reality TV, but not the Kardashians or any of that bollocks. No, that's shit. Classy stuff. God, then TV, what is it? Well, that's completely wrong.

No! The only thing I think I've watched in the past couple of years that could even get close to reality TV or just daytime nonsense would probably be Deadliest Warrior. Oh, that is a good show. Which is terrible, absolutely dreadful, and that's the closest it's got. I don't watch any reality TV, though, never.

You said it was dreadful. I had a sponsorship deal here. $20 million they were going to give us. That's it. Go on, Garth. That joke is over. Okay, so Total Biscuit, thank you. That was good. So joke is over. Okay. So, TotalBiscuit, thank you.

That was good. So how many points do you minus? How many puffin bars does he lose? I'm going to take away an entire pack of puffin bars for that. So I'm back down to nine and a half. Pretty much. Just the assumption that I would watch Storage Wars is highly offensive. It's awful, isn't it? Oh, my God.

Guilty pleasures for some people, I'm sure. for isn't it oh my god guilty pleasures for some people i'm sure um so would total biscuit uh rather go back in time and meet his ancestors and live there or go way into the future and meet his great grandchildren and live there i think he'd want to go into the future to see if space marines actually happen if that's a real thing um and to see whether the emperor is actually him his desiccated body in a throne just ruling everything um yeah definitely the future definitely the future okay tb yeah that's a pretty easy one i think definitely the future who the hell would want to go into the past and live there? Everything was rubbish back then. All the cool stuff you do on a daily basis,

can't do it in the past. Oh, you came down with some minor but easily curable disease. Well, you're dead at 32. They didn't even have Wi-Fi back then. Yeah. I mean, Jesus Christ. Actually, that might be the only plus. I don't get to hear from people on a daily basis,

but I might be all right. Think about how obsolete you will be in the future, though. Your skills might not translate anymore. You can't do anything. TB, would you commentate like gladiatorial matches or like chariot races? Would that be your job? In the future?

No, in the past. Oh, in the past. Like, oh, God. I just have to yell really, really loudly, and then everyone can hear me. Yeah, that would work out. Now, the future's all right. Wouldn't want to go into a future with space marines.

If we had those, we'd be already screwed. How do you know that the future isn't going to be like a zombie apocalypse, or we're even going to have one? You know, God, it's a bit of a risk going into the future. At least in the past, you know what's there, and you've got all of your super knowledge. You could be like a king in the past But what if he fucks up?

What if he crushes a butterfly And accidentally just wipes out all of the future? And then he calls a time paradox Where I was never born, ergo I disappear What if he has sex with his own mother or something? Accidentally It's a risk It can happen

It's a real risk that you have to consider We're not talking about a Back to the Future Star future where all the timelines are stuck together. When you go back in time you create a brand new timeline with you independent of it. How do you know that that's true, Lewis? How do you know that's true? Well, this is the

question. I think that you are overlooking the fact that you imagine with your GCSE knowledge of chemistry, you'd be able to, like, revolutionise the world hundreds of years ago. But in future, you're just going to be a scrub. You might be out on the street. They might not even look after you, you know?

Here's the thing. As far as I'm concerned, like, if your regular person went to the past with the knowledge that they have now, they would be utterly useless because they can't build this stuff. They just know that it exists. My knowledge of being able to build a PC is useless when there's no components. I can't build something like that from scratch. Like a steam

engine or something as simple as that. Simon, could you build a steam engine? I'll have a go. I'll have a bloody good go. With what? Access to Wikipedia for the instructions. Oh, wait. First of all, I need some iron piping. Oh, fuck. Right. You dig in the instructions. Oh, wait. First of all, I need some iron piping. Oh, fuck.

Right, you dig in the ground and you get iron. And then you heat it. And then you pour it. Oh, God, I'll be fucked. Your knowledge of mechanics just boils down to Minecraft, basically. Essentially, yes. Yeah, that's not going to help you very much. You need some sticks. You put them on top of each other.

And then you've got a sword. I'd be so screwed. We all would be. We all would be. That would be a disaster. Okay, what would Toad Biscuit's animal or magical familiar be? What would his little companion pet that followed him around be simon okay so he's like his his demon thing yeah yeah he's matt damon um oh that's a tricky one um i don't know he's a big man he's got a big bushy beard i'm kind of thinking

one old bushy beard quite a well kept beard um i'm thinking something like a bear he'll be a big cuddly but also ferocious bear with big claws ah oh my god that would be totally badass total biscuit what do you think's the answer to this question he's exactly right i don't know how but he is there. There we go. Absolutely be a bear. Total bear-skit. There we go. Fantastic. Who wouldn't want a friendly bear, though, that actually obeyed your commands? Of all the animals, a friendly bear

would be very advantageous. You could ride it around. It would be great. Oh my god. It could climb up trees and get you some honey. It could eviscerate your opponents. Bears are all around a good choice, I think. Bears are great. Fantastic. Simon, so next question.

We're powering through them. What do you think... How many points? What points am I up to? Two packs of puffins for that one. Right, okay. That's 12. A dozen more.

Okay, so 21 and a half. Okay, good adding. Right. So, what do you think, if it wasn't for video games, what kind of job would he have ended up in? So imagine now, but also imagine in the past. So 100 years ago. 100 years ago?

What do you think he would have ended up doing as a job? Okay, so, oh, jeez. Well, the First World War's about to break out, so that's pretty bad timing. I guess he's still in England. He's still in the north of England. I reckon he'd be a miner. He'd be a miner down the mine.

He's from Newcastle. With his university education. That doesn't mean everyone from Newcastle... What do you mean, his university education? Yeah. How likely is it that a man from Newcastle would have gone to university 100 years ago? Not that unlikely.

But, I mean, we're talking about him being transplanted. You know, imagine he's the same, he's gone through the same... What kind of job? He's been transplanted into the body of a man 100 years ago. Yes. Right, OK. Armed with his knowledge, He would make a steam engine Alright, forget about 100 years ago

What about today? He'd put a stick on another stick And he'd make a steam engine What would he have ended up doing If it wasn't for video games? What real job? What, 100 years ago? No, now, you dumbass

You just said 100 years ago Forget about 100 years ago We've passed that now It's happened It's in the past So the internet Doesn't exist No it doesn't exist

Stop asking these questions Not a hundred years ago Simon No No that's a fact Maybe it does exist now But he's just not involved In video games Okay

Okay so it's now He does a job That's not related to games We're in the present time There's no internet And TotalBiscuit Is looking for a job that's not related to games. We're in the present time, there's no internet, and TotalBiscuit is looking for a job. That's right.

And what job does he take? It's a tough old market out there, but there's no games related to video games. What does he do? I think he would be a lawyer. He would be like a solicitor, probably involved in something fun like tort, because that's like brilliant. A tort lawyer?

He would be, yes. What does tort mean? Tort, with an O. Tort. What does that mean, though? What does it mean? It means like, I don't know, land law bollocks. No, it doesn't.

Go on. Go on, it doesn't. Go on. Go on, TP, let's have the answer because you really do know about this stuff, actually. Taunt means like land and stuff. No, it doesn't mean that. You know what land law is called, Simon? It's called land law. It's relatively easy.

But no, taunt is basically about civil wrongs related to negligence. It's actually a pretty fun area of the law. It's when someone falls over and wants to sue people. That's Taunt, for the most part. Do you think that's what you would be doing, then, without the internet? No, I wouldn't. No, I'd probably be doing copyright, copyright knowing me if I was doing law at all copyright law

that's what I specialised in when I went to uni so it would be that chances are I wouldn't even be a lawyer because frankly I wasn't very good at it so if I was actually get something outside of the internet

the job that I was always shooting for was actually as a radio DJ. Oh, of course. Radio DJ, lawyer. I was close. I was close. Surely I deserve a penguin for that one. You don't get a penguin. You can have a puffin.

You can have a puffin. A puffin, that's right. If it were made of money. Did you know that he had a law degree, though, Simon? Yes. Oh, you did? Okay, good. So that was...

I do know Total Biscuit. Okay, good. Just a little bit. So, yeah. Well done. So... 22 and a half puffins. Next question.

What is Total Biscuit's most played Team Fortress 2 class? Oh, God. Sniper. Sniper. Definitely sniper. This is a quickfire one. Because he likes being an annoying arsehole in games, and being a sniper is probably the best way to do that.

Absolutely wrong. Damn it! I do like being an annoying arsehole, but I don't do it as a sniper. My most played class is a scout. Scout. Damn it. That's the cap. We should have seen it, Simon.

What? The cap? Because he's wearing a cap like a scout? Yeah. Oh, my God. I should have seen it. And he's got the ear things on, like the scout. But we all have, because we're talking to each other.

On the internet. A little weird if we didn't. Yeah. Good. Well, that was a quick one. So, no points. No points. You could dot points if you choose.

What? Nah. Nah. You can keep these puffins. Thank you. Thank you so much. For now. Wow. Wow.

Next question. you thank you so much for now wow next question what do you think total biscuits preferred olympic event is um what to participate in to both watch or secondly to participate in so if he has to go to the olympics which one is he gonna be watching? But also, if he had to play, if he had to be in the Olympics, what would he be doing? Is he as he is now, or is he like a more athletic man? What are you trying to say? I'm trying to be diplomatic as possible. To watch beach volleyball

Male And to participate Beach volleyball Male Okay well that's quite something TotalBiscuit what would you say I'd say I'm docking him several packs of Puffing

Literally Hitler He loses at least one pack Oh god That is unacceptable So that's six That makes eighteen and a half points I'm down to Puff puffins

Sixteen and a half I honestly have so little interest in the Olympics. I don't think I watched any of the last one at all. Didn't bother. I guess everyone has their favourite little event there, but to me, I just...

I don't really care. You don't like the shot put? You don't like to chuck the things around? It was in Britain as well. It was, you know, how could you not have been into that? I think that was the reason I didn't watch it, actually. You should take that banner down from behind you. There's a reason it's upside down, Lewis.

It's a subtle act of disrespect. Oh, my God. Right, that is treason, and you can actually beat hangs for that. Yeah. Let's take his passport away from Simon. Oh, God, let's not go there. Let's get rid of his knighthood. His knighthood?

What? Well, what would you play then, TB, as well? What would I play? What would be your sport or Olympic game of expertise in the past or future. What would I play? I've always liked the idea of the javelin. I'd probably be terrible at it.

But it's a sport about chucking spears. Who the hell wouldn't want to do that? If Toll Biscuit could do any sport at the Olympics, he would do the javelin. That's something you would never have guessed. That is amazing. There you go. Oh, that is a great...

I feel like I've actually learnt something really personal about you just from that thing. Not at all. Throwing a javelin. That's deep. That's like your secret ambition in life. Yeah. It's deep.

So next question. We're really posh. This is one I used before, actually, on Sips, and he didn't like it. If you were a very posh sort of restaurant cocktail bar on the top floor of a big high-rise, what cocktail would Total Biscuit order without having seen the menu?

If there was no menu, you just had to go up and you had to order a cocktail. What would come out of his mouth? Oh, God, I don't know. I mean, we were just, oh, we were talking about gin earlier. And, oh, would he like a nice posh gin and tonic? Or, oh, yeah, I'm going to go with a gin and tonic or oh yeah I'm going to go with a gin and tonic and I go with a lovely nice crisp refreshing

gin and tonic you've described my least favourite drink on the planet there is no cocktail I dislike more than a gin and tonic I hate gin and I hate tonic water absolutely dreadful who the hell doesn't hate tonic water it Absolutely dreadful. How can you hate tonic water?

Who the hell doesn't hate tonic water? It's something your auntie has and your gran has and they get all sloshed on it at the wedding. Yeah, pretty much. I hate gin and tea, what can I say? If I were to order something without having seen the menu, it would be a Moscow Mule. 100% of the time. Oh, wow. What's that?

Whiskey and lime or something? I don't know. What is it? Moscow Mule? Yeah. It's ginger for the most part. Oh, yeah, of course. It's vodka and ginger and stuff. Yeah, it's vodka, ginger beer and lime is what it is.

I knew there was some lime in there somewhere. That is a nice one. It is. That's a good one. And then what would Total Bisc biscuit order for the lady at the bar sitting next to him so he's having a drink he's gone to the bar by himself and he's with his wife you know this is a woman and it's Jenna what does he order her um he's drinking a Moscow Mule I reckon she's got

whiskey straight double on the rocks not on the rocks just as it is and she just like downs it and it's gone well if you had to live with me all day every day I guess you probably need something that strong

generally speaking she orders the With me, all day, every day, I guess you probably need something that strong. Generally speaking, she orders the kind of sweetest, fruitiest thing she can find. Whatever that might be. And about half the time, she sends it back because it's never what she wants. It's not sweet and fruity enough. She's terribly indecisive when it comes to drinks. That's ladies for you. Yeah. It is.

I've not done very well here at all. This has been totally wrong. That was a difficult one. I'll let you keep your puffins for you. Yeah. It is. I've not done very well here at all. This has been totally wrong. That is a few negatives there. That was a difficult one. I'll let you keep your puffins for the time being. Oh, good. That's kind of you. That is kind of you.

Very good by the time I didn't get the right spirit, the right mixer. Everything was totally wrong. Yeah, but he's been living with you for so long, he's probably just got gin on the brain. It's not his fault. He's easily influenced. It's true. It's not his fault. He's easily influenced. It's true. It's very true.

I am very easily influenced, much like TotalBiscuit said there. That's true. Do you see what I did there? Wow. I think we'll do one more question, and then we'll do the final question. So, TotalBiscuit, now you're out in America, living in an area that's a lot warmer and hotter um first of all simon does he does he miss the rain and the snow and the cold weather that we have and secondly what does he actually do on the occasion it does snow

um and what would his typical first reaction to that be what would he do oh my god i okay i think he definitely enjoys the warmth i don't think he will enjoy it when it's humid and sort of horrible though um so he prefers you know he likes being in a nice air-conditioned place and just having the general sort of warmth and not miserable rainy cold drafty shit that we have here in england i don't think he misses the weather too much but if he sees snow i don't know he he might look out the window see the snow fall and go oh it's snowing and then he realizes the reality of the snow and the fact that it means that going anywhere becomes a massive hassle you've got to dig out cars and de-ice shit and all of that.

And I reckon there's just that faintest glimmer of, oh, snow, and then it's gone and the reality sets in and he hates it. That's just cynical outlook. Let's see if that's the truth. Well, he is the cynical Brit, Lewis. Let's see. It's pretty much 100% accurate in every respect. I like the heat.

I hate the humidity. And unfortunately, this state is not so great for that. I don't like the snow at all. It's a waste of time. But it looks pretty until it starts melting, and then it looks ugly again. So, yeah. Two packs of puffins for the man.

Yay! Well done. So that's. Two packs of puffins for the man. Yay! Well done. So that's 28 and a half puffins. Yes. I think that's a very admirable score across this round. That's a good number. And then obviously there's one

final question that we always ask to a biscuit. And this will determine, I think, because Simon's traditionally scores have fallen in the low 20s to sort of early 30s range. So if he can get this one right. Should we double or nothing on this?

Double or nothing? Oh, my God. Double or half, maybe. Oh, my God. If he gets double, then that's going to be the high score, I think, apart from Sips. And then if he gets nothing, that's the lowest score. I don't think we've actually ended up with a negative score for Simon. So this is a really hard question.

Sybil Simon, of course, was a pie man. Simon's pie senses will be able to let him know, Toby, what your favourite pie is. And obviously, as a cross-channel, cross-Atlantic traveller, you were a Brit, you're now an American. That's the most difficult thing for Simon to diagnose as to what your favourite pie is, because your tastes may have changed along with your travels.

So, Simon, what are you going to go for? I reckon Mr Tollbiscuit, because he is from the north of England, I think he does enjoy a meat pie. So I am going to go with, oh God, traditional sort of beef and onion. Beef and onion pie. Okay.

It's quite specific. Toad Biscuit, what is it? Onion is my least favourite food on the planet. There is nothing I hate more than onions to the point where I will send things back if they have onions in them and it wasn't listed on the menu. When I was little, if there was an onion in anything, it would make me physically wretch

and I wouldn't be able to eat the meal. So you're not fond of a beef and onion pie? No. It's so sad. You were doing so well because my favourite pie is in fact a steak pie. No. That's beef. That's pretty close.

It's not close enough. It's still a savoury pie. It's still a savoury one and it's the same meat. So what do we reckon? Have I lost everything or? Maybe we just allow the puffin status quo to continue. What do you think? You could halve the points Rather than just get rid of them entirely. Oh I think we just leave them leave them as they are because it was half right and half disastrously wrong. Okay?

Thank you. That's very generous of you. You picked the best pie filling and the worst pie filling. I see what was happening there. It was the best of pies. It was the worst of pies. Well, there you go. Thank you very much, Toby. It's been a pleasure to have you on.

It's been fun. And thanks, everyone, for watching. See you next time. Bye. Bye.