Triforce! - Simple Simon Ep. 9 Ft. Ali-A

Episode Date: January 8, 2014

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Hello and welcome to Simple Simon. Today we have a wonderful guest with us live in the studio. It's Ali A. Hello everyone. Thank you very much for having me. He's a very nice young man. He's very polite. He's a lovely young man. Thank you. What a lovely young man he is. We feel like super old, like in our granny jumpers here.

I'm feeling the cold, Lewis. I'm feeling the cold. I'll get a hot water bottle for you in a minute. Oh, don't worry. So in this show, I guess you guys, if you don't know, it's a show where I ask Simon questions about Ali and Simon has to see if he can get the answers. So for example... Good luck.

Talking about snow, what does Ali like doing when it snows? What happens? Um... What does he like doing when it snows? What happens? Does he like going out there and getting stuck in, building snowmen, doing some sledging, having snowball fights with his friends? He's not that young, is he? Just turned 20. Just turned 20? He might have grown out of that now. Maybe he's sick of it. Maybe he doesn't want to get wet and cold. Maybe he likes to just sit inside. I reckon he still keeps an eye out for Santa, you know, coming along.

Yeah, you never know. I reckon he's quite active and he likes actually getting out there in the snow. Could be a good guess. What's the answer? We actually have a lot of hills near where I live, so whenever it snows, we're out there on our sledges. There you go! On the sledges. That is great. Do you have your own sledge? I did but I think last time it snowed I crashed it into a tree and it actually broke so. Oh my god. No, you're a rosebud. Well there you go, that was a good little

intro. Do you want to stay with the Christmas theme? I've got a couple of Christmassy questions. Is this actually going out at Christmas? Yeah, yeah, probably. That's good. What about the points? How many points do I get? Oh yeah. You need to come up with a sort of system. Fairly arbitrary. Okay, so max is five per answer.

Okay. But five of what? If it should be something Christmassy. Five presents. Five presents, there you go. Five jingle bells. Five jingle bells. Five jingle bells. Five gold bells. 5 gold rings. And if you get 4 points, it's 4 calling birds.

3 French hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. So how many? 4 for that one. 4 calling birds. Ok, 4. That was pretty accurate. You predicted that he'd get stuck in, and he did. He's not a grouch like us, standing inside being grumpy. So imagine Ali's house at Christmas time.

What's the Christmas tree? What are the Christmas tree preferences? How does that happen? How does the house get decorated and how does the Christmas tree get brought out? There's many different ways people do this. Okay, I think he uses an artificial tree, a plastic tree, I reckon a star on top, not an angel.

I think fairy lights, tinsel and little chocolate decorations in the foil that you unwrap. And you go... Are you just thinking of your own dream Christmas here? Little chocolate decorations in the foil that you unwrap. Are you just thinking of your own dream Christmas here? Pretty much. So the artificial tree, where does that come from? Is that stored in the? Norway. It's from Norway.

They cut it down from the artificial forest. Long distance. The great plastic forest in Norway. They cut it down with a big plastic ax. That's a really good. A plastic man actually does it, a plastic lumberjack. Like a Lego man. Yeah. Like a big plastic axe. Okay. That's a really good... A plastic man actually does it. A plastic lumberjack. Like a Lego man.

Yeah. Like a Lego lumberjack. A plastic lumberjack. It's very specific. Yeah. How accurate was I there? About 50-50. So the artificial tree, no...

We get a real... We get a real one every year. There's needles everywhere. Afraid so. Actually, wait. Do we get a... You could be right. Oh. Oh. We may have changed one every year. There's needles everywhere. I'm afraid so. Actually, wait. Do we get a... You could be right. Oh?

Oh? We may have changed it last year. As of last year? I think we actually have changed it to an artificial one, actually. So you're a lot more accurate than I thought. Oh, there we go. Modern. You've modernised.

Yeah. Artificial. Star? On top? No, I think we used an angel. That's wrong. Where did the artificial tree come from? Is it think we use an angel. That's wrong. Where did the artificial tree come from? Is it from last year, stored in the...

Yeah, it'll be stored away somewhere. Whereabouts? In our loft or cellar somewhere. Cellar, maybe? Yeah. Cellar, not loft. I'm just trying to get these points on. How accurate can you be?

Chocolate on the tree, yeah. Yes, of course. But lights, yes, but no tinsel. No tinsel? Why? I don't think so. Why no tinsel? This is a bit too messy, a bit too tacky.

Has someone in your house got a phobia of tinsel? It's too tacky. You've got a little fucking fake angel on the top, and you're saying, oh, I don't want tinsel. That's tacky. We like the chocolate, so it's edible. Yeah. Do you have tinsel sort of hanging over the mantelpiece

and hanging over paintings and things like that in your place, Simon? Is that what you do? You drop tinsel everywhere? It's the only decoration that I have, is just tinsel around everything. I like to have it around the toilet seat, so it makes almost like a garland out of the toilet

seat. It's quite a nice feeling when you sit down as well I guess. Well not really no it's quite sharp. Nice tinsel feel. Makes you up on a cold Christmas morning. Also the rest of the day you're sort of picking silver bits from your bum. Doesn't sound too nice. It's a family tradition. I wouldn't recommend putting chocolate decorations on it. Decorate the toilet up like that. Sitting down on chocolate. Oh my God, there's lights around the bowl. Oh, that's bad.

Grief, that is nasty. Avoid that, kids. Holy crap. Well, there you go. How many points did you get for that? It was a lot more accurate than I thought, so I'm going to go with four again. Another four calling birds. So that makes eight calling birds. No, what is it, eight? No, it's eight calling birds.

Eight. Golden rings. They've transformed. Is it Maids of Milking? Eight men dancing. I'm not sure men dancing is part of that. Eight men dancing. Add that not sure men dancing is part of that. Eight men dancing.

Add that, add that one in. Eight horses prancing. It's eight calling birds. It's four plus four, it's eight calling birds. Okay, good. We'll add more animals to the menagerie as we go along. Okay, so here's a question from the ladies, because obviously a lot of ladies...

From what lady? From the ladies, all the ladies. Have they been writing in? Yep. How did they know Ali was going to be on, Lewis? They just knew. I think it was you that just came up with this question, and you're lying about the ladies?

No, no, no, it was some ladies in the office. Ladies in the office. They help me compose questions too. Hannah. Yep. Hannah and Kim and Minty. That's right. They have posed this question. Yes. So office. They help me compose questions too. Hannah. Yeah. Hannah and Kim and Minty. That's right.

They have posed this question. Yes. So. You wouldn't lie about this would you? It's a question about Ali's sleeping habits because the ladies are interested. Wow that's very personal. How many pillows does Ali use? Why are the ladies interested in this?

Well this is one of my generic questions which I haven't got around to yet. What do you mean one of yours? I thought you said it was for the ladies. Well it's for the ladies. The ladies would be really interested. Oh okay. They're interested. yet. What do you mean one of yours? I thought you said it was for the ladies. Well, it's for the ladies. The ladies would be really interested. Oh, okay. They're interested. Number of pillows is important. Number of pillows? Yeah. And what size, shape, dimensions, quirks, anything special, you know? No pillows maybe? Perhaps. I reckon he is a man who enjoys a good pillow. I reckon a couple of soft squishy pillows, sort of rectangular in shape, with a case upon them.

A case. Two rectangular pillows. I think the pillowcase has got Batman or Spider-Man on it. He's quite a young lad. He's probably... I haven't grown up yet. His bedspread is Superman fighting Batman. Yeah. His bedspread is Superman fighting Batman. Yeah. I've still got those ones.

Yeah, they're good. They make me cosy in bed. I've got one with a Rupert Bear bedspread. Nice. You've got Rupert Bear? Rupert Bear. What's so surprising about that? What have you got?

Fireman Sam? Fireman Sam, yes. Postman Pat? Postman Pat versus Fireman Sam. They're fighting on the... Do you reckon you might have a football bread spread? Bread spread. Like a Man United one, you know, a bread spread and a Man United decoration. A bread spread.

Isn't that margarine? A bread spread? Yeah, others are available. Butter is another one. Let's see what the answer is. What's the answer? So the answer is a bit random. So there's the square, I don't know, rectangular pillow was accurate but there's only one of them and I don't actually sleep on the pillow. So technically I sleep with my head on the mattress as if there were no pillows and put the pillow on my head. You sleep with your head underneath the pillow? Yeah, yeah.

That's something a bit special, isn't it? Did this happen when you were younger? No. It's like you're hibernating. I think what happened is I eventually grew out of having a pillow and I just slept with no pillow, but then it would always return back to my bed and my mum would wash it or whatever.

And so I can't be bothered to throw it away, I just put it on my head. Sleep with your head under a pillow? What if you suffocate? It keeps me nice and warm. What if you suffocate in the night? How would you suffocate on a pillow? What if a man came in and just pushed it down? I'm not sure that that's real, like, I've tried to do that to myself.

Sorry? Have you tried to suffocate yourself with a pillow? The pillow is like to block your nose and mouth, You have to put it down with some pretty big force. Why did you try and suffocate yourself? You can breathe through a pillow. Very nice, but it's not like. Depends how fresh it is. I'm just saying.

Doesn't a pillow just fill up with all your like dead skin and hair? So over time you've got a really thin pillow and it becomes really thick and soft because it's filled with all your dead skin and like bugs. Again, I think citation needed on these things. No, I'm pretty sure that- One, I think sleeping underneath your pillow

won't suffocate you, and two, 90% of your pillow is not made of your dead skin. What if a cat comes in and steals his breath? I do have a dog, so the dog could sneak its way in. And sit on the pillow and suffocate you in the night. But the thing is, I'm not sleeping like that with the pillow on me. I'm sleeping sideways with my head facing away and the pillow and suffocate you in the night, but the thing is I'm not sleeping like that with the pillow on me I'm sleeping sideways with my head facing away and the pillows like that. Do you face the door?

Yeah, yeah, so you would see a dog Yeah, I keep my eyes down What a load of shit. So how many points would that be? Not many. Two. Two? What's two? Not many. Two. What's two? Two maids are milking. Two maids are milking. No, no, no. Two geese are dancing. We had it right the first time I think. Five golden rings, four... Calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves. So two turtle doves plus eight men are dancing.

Eight calling birds. No, eight men are dancing. No, eight calling birds and two turtle doves. That's my current score. Nice. What is that, mate? This is gonna be difficult to track. 10, well, who cares?

When, okay, food related question, because I always fill the whole quiz up with food related questions, but I thought there'd be a good one here. You always get hungry this time of day. What sandwich does Ali A have for lunch every day? Every day. A sandwich every day? Would he have the same sandwich every day? I wouldn't have thought so. What's my favourite sandwich? Your favourite sandwich? Is that what you're asking? His go-to sandwich. His go-to safe bet, always a favourite, favourite sandwich of his favourites. Favourite day?

Obama. Let's get this close. Obama. You're channelling Obama to help you. I need to sort of, like Derek Okora, I need a spirit guide to tell me the answers. I need like a Sam. Just pretend. Or someone. Like he doesn't. I think if I gave you any hints it'd be too easy. Okay.

BLT. The classic BLT is his favourite. I sort of have to ignore the noise that he makes because I can't just change my mind. I've got to commit. BLT. Yep makes because I can't just change my mind. I have got to commit. BLT. Yep, that's exactly right. Oh my god. Whoa!

So the noise was throwing you off. Oh, you devil, you. Sneaky. You devil. Come on, that was good. Five gold rings. Five gold rings. Eight calling birds, two turtle doves.

And nothing else. So five of the dancing men are wearing golden rings. And two of them have turtle doves on their heads. This is how Darren Brown remembers things. He remembers strings of numbers by doing the Christmas song. Oh, really? I thought he just like got his phone and just put it in notepad

that's what I've done here so talking about crappy TV shows and Darren Brown and Derek Cora what is Ali A's favourite

crappy daytime television show I don't watch a lot of TV so this will be interesting but he must do does it have to be daytime TV or can it just be

any sort of TV show I don't know. I think... Should we just go with any TV show? That does broaden it. It has to be crass. That's a good point, yeah.

It has to be a guilty pleasure. Ah, that's a good one. You'll feel a bit bad about saying it. Guilty pleasure. Yeah. I think this may be hard to get, but...

Okay. Ooh. Guilty pleasure. I reckon it'll either be one of those shows about fishing, like ice fishing or ice road truckers. You always go with such weird stuff. I reckon it'll be those. So like ice road truckers or is it ice fishing?

Give us a clue, what channel is it on? Extreme fishing. I think I can give you a hint in terms of what type of show it is. Okay. It's one of those reality TV shows where... Geordie Shore. Is that your final answer? Yes. That's wrong.

Thank you. God damn it. You led me up the garden path there. Gave you the wrong answer. Down the garden path. Yeah, I don't watch a lot of TV. I spend more time probably watching YouTube videos than I do watching TV.

Yeah, we do too. Many people do, yeah. The one show that I've been sucked into, courtesy of my brother, is Made in Chelsea. Oh my God. Yeah, I know. Probably shouldn't have said that.

No, that's okay. That is what this whole quiz is about. Sharing secrets. Do you judge better or you watch crap? My opinion of you has dropped. I mean, it's such an awful television show. You watch garbage. The girls in it are quite pretty.

There you go. There is that. That's why you watch it. But how do you know this if you don't watch it? The fact that you know all about it and have watched probably loads of it is quite damning evidence. Crikey, well that was one. Made in Chelsea What did Ali want to be when he was six years old?

Whoa That's interesting So when he grew up When he was a little What did he want to do for a living when he was a little boy? Yeah, when he was a little man A little man So when he was six years old, so six

I think I was in year one or two at school When he was a kid, what did he always want to be when he was a kid? He's three years old, so six. I think I was in year one or two of school. When he was a kid, what did you always want to be when he was a kid? When I grow up, I want to be a... Would it be a public service? Would it be something crazy? Was he a dreamer? I reckon it's something practical and heroic. So either like a soldier or a fireman.

Something like that. Okay. You want to be out there saving lives. You're very good at this, I'm not going to lie. You're very good at this. Oh my God, really? So I think it was actually either a fireman or a policeman. So the fact that you went with fireman was pretty good. Because I think back then when you were young, you were like, I want to be a fireman, I wantman or a policeman. So the fact that you went with fireman was pretty good because I think back then

when you were young, you were like, I want to be a fireman, I want to be a policeman. Quite a generic thing. So it's quite impressive. I like that. How many points? Four again. Four sets of calling birds. As well as five rings and two turtle doves.

That's quite a score. Are you going to be able to remember this? I'm Darren Browning it. Okay. In my pants. Where will Ali be this year on New Year? Oh, God. Okay.

That's tricky because I don't actually know where he lives or what he's doing. I'm not asking for GPS coordinates. I'm asking if he's going to be here. The old Ram Inn. That sounds a bit dodgy. I'm thinking of more general terms, like is this something he does every year or does he do something different every year? Is there a family tradition?

He probably hangs out with the same mates since he's you know since his teenage years he probably hangs out with those goes to the local pubs

or like the same clubs um and he probably has like the oh god

I don't know just go go on does that keep going the pressure's getting to him. It is. You're, you're, god. Oh, I gotta be more specific, I think, to try and get points, that's the thing.

No, that's good already. I just wanna hear a bit of crazy specific, what do you think in your mind? What are these pubs and clubs called? Um... The... If you get this... The King's Arms. Okay. The King's Arms. Okay.

The King's Arms. Okay. The Red Lion. Okay. Just throwing names out there. Yeah. Just let it all flow. Let it all flow.

The Princess's Fingers. The Horse's Armpits. Maybe we should stop the names. The beggars plums. Okay, and so just old schoolmates, chums, friends from home? He goes round the pubs and then they go out to a club and they see

in the new year with not even champagne, just lager he'll be drinking with his mates, casual style. Okay. Again, you're pretty good at this. my god really it tends to be same group of friends yeah um it depends what we do sometimes just hang around at someone's house have a sort of like house party or sometimes we will go to a bar and then go into a club and spend the night there so you won't be drinking champagne

probably not no not that sophisticated we're a bit too young at this point and go on to a club and spend the night there. So, see what. But you won't be drinking champagne? Probably not. No. Not that sophisticated. No, he is. We're a bit too young at this point, I think. No, no. I think, again, four, more, more, more of those birds,

hummingbirds, calling birds. So up to 16 calling birds. Yeah, you've got to rack your mind. Yeah, rack up these calling birds. What are we gonna do with them all? I don't know, can we have a barbecue? I could eat some. I don't know. Are they tasty calling birds? I reckon I could eat a calling bird right now, yeah.

How would you have it done? Stuffed? No, I'd KFC it. I'd get the herbs and spices. But we don't know what the herbs and spices are. They're a secret, Lewis. Nobody knows. No one knows except the Colonel. I'd crunchy fry them, definitely. Crunchy fry them?

Crunchy fried chicken, oh, that's got to be the best. If it wasn't for video games, what job would Ali end up doing, do you think? Ooh. Give you a clue. It's not fireman. It's not fireman. Or is it? That's a good point. Or is it?

It's not fireman. Would he have followed his dreams and become a fireman? Still time. It's only young. It's true. It would be something really dull, wouldn't it? He would... I don't...

I reckon he would go into the same line of business as his father or his family. Okay. And he would be, I don't know what your family even do. Let's have a guess. He would be an estate agent. Okay, so. Because his family are estate agents and he would go into the estate agency business. You started off quite well.

When you said dull job, I was like, okay, you could be going down the right routes here. But following in my family footsteps wouldn't work. Actually, I did work for my mum for a little bit. She owns a physio clinic. And my first job was actually a receptionist at her clinic. So you would have ended up working in there. But I got so many things wrong that I eventually left and was like, I'll stick with YouTube.

You left or were you fired by your own mother? No, no, no, I left. She was pleased that you left. But I would have been probably a banker, something quite boring. A banker? I really liked numbers and maths. Wow. You would have been like an acturist or something.

Yeah, I would have gone off to uni to do maths and maybe computer science and then stuck with a sort of boring numbers job. Accountant insurance is very satisfying. My dad's an accountant and he said to me, you always need accountants. Everyone's always going to need them. However far in the future, how much technology we get, jetpacks, someone's still going need to add all the costs after jetpacks. How much did all of these jetpacks cost? Exactly, so it's always a job, accountancy actually was rated

the most satisfying and secure job. Really? Yeah, there is, so. Could move into accounting. No, I don't think I would. No, not now. Nah. Maybe, maybe in the future.

Who knows, who knows where I'm gonna go. It's nice, add up numbers. Well there you go, I think that was pretty good, don who knows where I'm gonna go. Add up numbers. Um, well there you go, I think that was pretty good, don't you? I think that was pretty good. So how many did you get points? That's a good point, that was, I'm gonna go for three,

because I didn't give you three before, so. Okay, what is three? Three French hens. Okay. So I'm up to 16 calling birds, three French hens. We've got a barbecue and a half. 2 turtle doves, oh and 5 gold rings.

I'll eat the turtle doves. Thankfully I haven't got a partridge yet. Wonder if you could bake these all into a pie. Surely, isn't there a nursery rhyme about that? That's blackbirds. Blackbirds, oh how many blackbirds? Which are an endangered species so you can't bake them in pies anymore. Let's not do that.

Don't bake any blackbirds into pies. Heston was going to do it on one of his shows. Was he? Really? But he can't use them because they're protected. What did he use instead? People. Immigrants.

Oh, God. Okay. Well, of course, Simple Simon was not a pieman. No. No. I finally read some of the comments. The thing is, this was one of those things where, like, Okay, well of course Sibyl Simon was not a pieman. No! No! I finally read some of the comments. The thing is this was one of those things where like you didn't call me on it and then you were really angry about it.

You were like, for the last seven episodes you've been doing it wrong. But you didn't bother to correct me this whole time. Yeah, because often you don't even get to this bit. You totally forget about the final question. I did forget about the final question. So Sibyl Simon wasn't a pie man but he met a pie man going to the fair. So he was quite

knowledgeable about pies. Was he? Maybe not. I don't know. Anyway. He just met a pie man. That doesn't make him knowledgeable about pies.

He's not knowledgeable about pies. You don't know shit about pies. I don't even know why we have this question now. Because I always get it wrong. Well, you got it wrong

once and then you sort of channeled the wrong people for like five episodes But now we've got a real true Brit and you should be fine. So what's Ali a favorite pie his favorite pie? This is a tough one. Oh My god, it's a tough one. I don't think it's that tough. I reckon it is chicken a mushroom Yeah, I'm gonna give you that one Yeah, I'm going to give you that one. Oh, no! Boo-yah!

Oh, what? This whole time? This has blown me away. Did you read the answer? I don't have any. You've already read the answer. I make these kinds of comments. You don't have the answers. Why would you have the answers?

No. Have you been, like, secretly studying him? Like, for a reality TV show? I've been following him for weeks now. Shouldn't have eaten that pie last week. There's like a tree in your garden that's not there anymore. It's got eye holes in it. So go on, do you like mushrooms?

So I don't like mushrooms that much, but when they're in the pie, and you've got the mushroom sauce, you've got the chicken, you've got the pastry. I think you've got the chicken, you've got the pastry. Beautiful, isn't it? I think you've found someone who's, this is like the Pacific Rim kaiju partner. We could drift together, if you want me. Okay, I like it.

You could drive a mick together. Let's do it. That was amazing. So that's more points. That's gotta be another five gold rings, surely. More rings, yeah. So what was the final score? Ten gold rings, sixteen calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, no partridges.

All of it baked up in a pie. Yeah. Right? Delicious. A big delicious pie. Chickeny. With gravy. Dove partridge and calling bird pie with with gravy. Dove, dove partridge and calling bird pie. With mushroom gravy. And the golden rings in there, a little bit like the five peas you put in a Christmas pudding.

If you get one, you're lucky or something. Yeah, if you get a slice of the pie with a gold ring in it. Then you're married to the chef who made the pie. He's going to get married ten times, nice. Oh my God. Well, that sounds like Christmas to me, everyone. Thank you very much, Abbey. Thank you for having me, it's been a lot of fun.

It's been a pleasure, an absolute pleasure, a delight. Thank you very much. What a lovely young man he is. Isn't he a lovely young man? He is a lovely young man. He's a lovely young man. Goodbye. Adios.