Triforce! - Simple Simon Special - Bill Bailey

Episode Date: January 8, 2014

Welcome to Simple Simon - where Lewis asks Simon a simple question and he must match the guest's answer! Today we have a special guest, Bill Bailey! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello. And welcome. And welcome. Hello. This is marvelous. Hello. You know what?

The last TV broadcast I did, unusually, was in Tallinn in Estonia. Oh yeah. And I was doing a show there and they have a television tower there called the Teletårn and it's iconic in Estonian history. I'm not expecting you to know that. No, no, no. But it was the sort of iconic symbol of Estonian freedom when they got independence from Russia. And they broadcast the freedom broadcast from this television tower. And the thing is that you can go and do your own broadcast down in the basement

where they set up some old black and white footage from Estonian history. And you can then do a walk-on shot. And you sit in and go, hi, today in Tallinn. And it's just fantastic. Every way should have that. You could be the prime minister of Estonia, couldn't you? I think you've got that look about you. Yeah, I think so.

What sort of broadcast would you do, though? Today, 37 Russians were executed in the town square. Marvelous success. Great success. Symbol of Estonian freedom, Teletower. Yes, you could pick your subject, weather, cultural, sports, oppression, violent oppression. The national sport of Estonia. I don't know actually, I tell you what, they invented Skype in Estonia. Did they? Yeah. And they're very proud of it, as you can well imagine. Estonia's a great place. They did Eurovision there, didn't they? They shipped old Graham

Norton off, I think, probably. Oh God, yeah. Did a bit of commentary. Did they? I do like Eurovision. Don't you? It is. It's an extraordinary spectacle. I particularly like Lordi, the Finnish winners. They were fantastic. Although when you go to Finland, I went to Helsinki as well, and you mention them and people from Helsinki go, oh no. It's an embarrassment to them.

No, no, no, no. Estonia has most of its Olympic medals in weightlifting, wrestling and cross-country skiing. You got the Wikipedia page for sport in Estonia. Yeah. The fact that that exists. That is brilliant. They play a unique variant of ice cricket. Ice cricket? Yeah.

Hell, yeah. Ice cricket. I really want to know what that is now. That's true, yes. You can play cricket on ice. Do they use ice lollies as the bats? Yeah. Sponsored by walls.

A scoop of ice cream is the ball. They have little skates opposed to the runs. Must be much more elegant. Similar to indoor cricket, six a side, but it's on ice. I think, pretty much. I guess everyone's on ice skates. 61% of Estonia is forest, so most of their activities involve hunting bears, wolves, elk, moose.

It's quite a... Oh, my God. It's a very outdoorsy sort of place. It's like Canada, I guess, but in Europe. Yeah. It is the Canada of Europe. The Canada of Europe. Estonia. Visit today. They could use that.

I don't think they do. I think it's just very generic, like, visit Estonia. It's kind of a bit dull. The Canada of Europe, that would get... People would come in their droves. They would. I think it's just very generic like visit Estonia. It's kind of a bit dull. That's it. Canada of Europe, that would get, that would, people would come in their droves. They would. Get on the, the steam ships. They'd sail away to the, they'd, they'd see the telly tale,

they're like the Statue of Liberty. Yeah. Oh my god. In the Bay of Estonia. Yeah. Oh, it'd be wonderful. Yeah. It's one of those extraordinary places. It had the, the tallest building in Europe up until about 1628 or something.

Wow. And then there was something else somewhere else. And then someone else built a bigger one. A bit of a wall. A bigger wall. A bigger wall. A bigger house. They put another story.

They put a roof on it. A barn. Oh, we have lost that one. Back to the drawing board. God damn Lithuania, always building bigger. Always building bigger. Damn them with their long poles. Oh my God. Shall we start?

Yeah, cool. Hello and welcome to Simple Simon. Today we're joined by the magnificent Bill Bailey. Hello. This is a little quiz show where we ask Simon simple questions Hello and welcome to Simple Simon. Today we're joined by the magnificent Bill Bailey. Hello. This is a little quiz show where we ask Simon simple questions about our guest and you try and get them right. So of course, you may remember Bill starred as Manny in the fantastic series Black Books. So our first question, Simon, in the second season of Black Books,

episode three, The Fixer, when Manny is in the bath, he wipes his hands dry before handling the toast. Right. In the next shot, his hands are covered in bubbles again. So why do you think that is? What the hell? Because the toast fell into the bath. He had jam.

He had a little, like a soap dispenser full of jam, and he dropped the toast in the bath, He had jam. He had a little, like a soap dispenser full of jam, and he dropped the toast in the bath, and then he just sort of like dripped it off and then ate it. Whoa. Bill, the answer. Oh, I'm not supposed to... Oh, it's all a blur. That sounds very convincing.

Plausible. That sounds eminently plausible. Or it's some terrible continuity error. It will be. I'm guessing that that's what it was. That's what happened. That's what seemed to make sense. OK, well, good.

Would you like to give someone some points? Yes, 100 points. 100 points. 100 points. And we don't know if that was even the correct answer or not. Still, I managed to get 100 points. Just your recall of that event was well done. It was fantastic. I'm giving you 100. 112. 112? I'm going to get 100 points. Just your recall of that event was well done. It was fantastic.

I'm giving you 100. 112. 112! I'm giving you 112 points. A bonus 12 points. A bonus 12 points. For? For just the reaction of the jam out of the soap dispenser.

It's quite memorable. It's quite arbitrary. It was very enjoyable, the feeling of those things. They should put more things in soap dispensers. Yeah, I remember we did have a conversation about the fact that there was all kinds of health and safety issues, but the fact that there was a hairdryer and there was all sorts of things like,

oh, well, this encouraged people to use it. And I just think, you know, if people are going to do that, then really that's... If people are going to put jam in a soap dispenser, then so be it. They're beyond help. Yeah. It's a terrific idea. I'd like to go...

I think it would be one of those sort of travel-in breakfasts, where you'd go down the line with your thing and you'd have a whole load of soap dispensers. Just one squirt of everything. Tea, coffee, milk, butter. On your toast? Well, you'd get everything, wouldn't you? Why would you have tea and coffee on your toast? Super absorbent toast.

Could work. Like a spongy toast. Spongy toast, yeah, like injera. Injera. Injera. It's the Estonian bread. No,, like a spongy toast. Spongy toast, yeah, like injera. Injera. The injera. The bread. It's the Estonian bread. No, that's Ethiopian, actually. Oh my God, Ethiopian bread, of course,

because they put the meat on the bread. They wrap it in the bread, yeah. And then you have a bread napkin that you put the meat. You can eat everything, that's what I love about it. See, I love Ethiopian food. You just eat the table, cutlery, everything. Ethiopian food, oh, fantastic. We've had that, this was on the show before.

What do you mean? Because Sean, Sean. Sean, day nine plot. Ethiopian food, oh fantastic. We've had that, this was on the show before. What do you mean? No. Sean, Sean. Sean, day nine plot. He said his favorite food was Ethiopian. It is, it's quite spectacular. We have to go. You've got to check it out.

It's made from fermented wheat, called teff. And it creates this gigantic bread plate out of this stuff called injera and basically the meat is placed upon the bread so the bread becomes the table plate everything so you eat your way through the table plate. Do you put like a napkin in? Yeah you can if you want. Like a bread, just a loaf of bread. Yeah a bread napkin. I do know a little bit about Estonia because there was this sort of QI type... Ethiopia. Ethiopia. I think they have these sort of big monoliths or monuments made out of rock called steles.

I think they're called steles or steels or something like that. And during the war, I think Hitler or Mussolini took one of them back. Hitler, Mussolini, one of those bad ones. One of those bad ones. It was a wrong one. I think it was Mussolini took a big... Uptonoku. One of them, a huge one. It weighed about a It was a wrong one. I think it was Mussolini took a big, one of them, a huge one, it weighed about a tonne,

back to Ethiopia. And relatively recently, it was shipped back at great cost. Oh, I see. As a kind of a restoration of historical legacy. Here's your national legacy back from a long time ago. Yeah, wrong and buggers. Crikey, well, there we go.

That was the first question. Bill also auditioned for the part, lesser known, this fact, part of Gimli in Lord of the Rings. Did he? Why do you think he ultimately didn't get the role? Because John Rhys-Davies is a better... No, it's not John Rhys-Davies.

Yes, John Rhys-Davies is a better actor than Bill Bailey and has been in a lot more things as a professional actor So he got the role Wow, what an iceberg Oh my god, not the lights He's got the on off button It says on and off Everything will go off

It's like the ultimate That's probably true He's taller He's very good at... He looks very dwarf-like. He looks pretty dwarf-like. But, I mean, he has a fantastic face. He has a wonderful...

He's got a fantastic face. But he has got a very... He's got a very sort of expressive face. And the other thing was, he's got a Welsh accent. He's got a beautiful Welsh accent, John Rhys-Davies. And they were looking for a regional accent. And they wanted something that was... Because dwarves, they usually have a Celtic accent.

Well, they wanted something that could counterbalance the other accents in the film. Because there was... I mean, you know, the hobbits of quite a lot of... There's a bit of West Country, you know. Or Mr Frodo, you know. There's a lot of that. I like how you did a West Country accent,

yet your normal speaking voice is a West Country accent. Well, I was just accentuating for effect. Yeah. Just to... Should there be any doubt. But, yeah, there was a... So I just thought, yeah, that was probably my own error, because I went and said, I did it West Country. And they were going, well... Everyone else had that. And they were, like, thinking, thought, yeah, that was probably my own error because I did it West Country and they were going,

well, they're like thinking, no, no, the Hobbits are West Country. The Hobbits are full. We've already got all the Hobbits. West Country's done. Hobbits for last week. That's last week. We're out of dwarves. That's Welsh.

If I'd gone and, oh, yeah, put that axe down or something. I can't remember the words. Yeah. But that's probably what I did. Put that axe down on the goblin's head. Put that axe down over there, near that goblin orc thing. And so that's it.

And see, the thing is, that's where you need preparation. If you know what they're looking for in an audition, this is a little tip for everyone going for film auditions, good preparation, get your accents right. If I'd gone totally off the wall, like gone somewhere else, tip for everyone going for film auditions, good preparation, get your accents right. If I'd gone totally off the wall, like gone somewhere else, as I say, if I'd gone Scouse, Geordie, something like that, I would have been in with a chance.

I don't think the world's ready for a Liverpudlian dwarf. Hey, come on! A little cheeky dwarf drinking. Come on then. Come on then, toss me! Is that Liverpudlian? I think they're ready. I don't know.

Big area. They're ready for a fight, they like drinking. That's Gandalf, he's boss, isn't he? That's more the sort of thing, like a little... He's got a bit of swagger. Yeah, yeah. But yes, I've got the wrong accent. That was probably it. And of course, he's got a marvellous voice

and a beautiful face for classical dwarf work. Many hours of dwarf work. So the real answer isn't that he's a bear actor? Well, you know, he could be. I don't know how you gauge these things. I'm sorry. No, no, that's fine. It's very hard to act when you're...

I might have to mark you down on that. He was in, what's it called, Sliders. Was it Sliders? Oh, oh, he was the professor or something. He went through wormholes. Wait a minute. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, so he's got form, basically. He's got fantasy kind of roots. He's got fantasy roots. He's got fantasy credentials, I think. Certainly, yeah. So maybe that's it. That's what swung it. How many points is he getting for that, Bill? 47. 47. I think that's it. That's what swung it. How many points is he getting for that, Bill? 47. 47.

I think that's very generous under the circumstances. Could have been a lot worse. Because that was pretty insulting. I could have docked you 1,000 points for that. That's very fair. Thank you. 159. So Bill, of course, big lover of animals, as you know.

Yes. Great and small. What animals do you think Bill doesn't like? Ooh. And why? Ooh. That's a tricky one, yeah. What animals do you think Bill doesn't like? Ooh. And why? Ooh. That's a tricky one, yeah. What animals? So what animals he might be, like, afraid of, maybe?

Or he just is repulsed by... Yeah. Yeah, chickens, I think... He looks like a man who would probably be disconcerted by the presence of a live chicken. You know, maybe it would put him on edge. You'd find it hard to relax around a chicken. If he was sat down in a restaurant

and you just brought a chicken in front of him, I think that would ruin his meal. Even if he didn't order chicken. And everyone else. Yeah, and the rest of the table. The world's population. Yes. I don't know what...

Bears. He doesn't like bears. No, he wouldn't like a bear. A full, live, eight-foot bear. Angry bear. In a restaurant. Yeah, in a restaurant. I didn't order this.

What's going on? I didn't order the bear. He knew me over you. If I was standing next to a bear in a river and we were hunting for salmon, then I would be. I'd be in competition with the bear, so I would be scared of it. But if it was a bear in a restaurant,

the circumstances would probably mean it was a tame one. And also, there is actually in Estonia... Would it have ordered the salmon? What if you both ordered salmon? There's only one salmon left. There's one salmon left. The bear would... That bear on the other table.

He's flinging you across the room. He's looking round. He's giving you a ride. They do eat bear there. So, yeah, you might even get served bear. In Estonia, good grief. Anyway. So there's a salmon sitting at the table who's ordered bear.

Yeah. In your face, you big beer. No, I would say that you're wrong. I had a feeling I would be. There you go. I would not be disconcerted by a chicken. What are we talking about? I've kept chickens.

Against their will? Kept them, yes. I've kept chickens. Against their will? Kept them, yes. I've kept them from doing what they wanted to do. Kept them back. Held them back. You've held back a chicken. I've thwarted poultry's dreams. It wanted to take a year off,

explore Europe, and you were like, no. Back to chicken school. It particularly wanted to visit a stone. It wouldn't have gotten on with the bears. No, it wouldn't. They really hate them. They're an arch enemy.

So, you know, chickens, I'm fine with chickens. Bears, I'm fine with bears. Tickle the bear. Do you know, I've hugged a bear. You've hugged a bear? I've hugged a bear, yeah. A real bear. An actual live bear.

Wow. Was this in the river when you started working together to get the salmon and afterwards you sort of bonded? Yeah, the drink or two. Things just progressed. Went on from there.

Come on, let's let the whole salmon There was only one sleeping bag. It went back to the bear's cave. Your cave or mine. Yeah, so bears,

I'm cool with bears. Chickens, you're way off. No. That's the answer. You're way off. No, that's the answer. You're way off. If you'd said... Goldfish.

Terrified of goldfish. No. Actually, do you know what? I'm slightly unnerved, and I know this sounds a bit obvious, but you're... Worms. No, men whistling and doing that. No, people doing that. No. People doing that.

Snakes. Snakes. Snakes. Yeah. Oh, god. I like snakes. I'm a little bit wary of them. Indiana Jones is, yeah, your cast.

I mean, they can kill you, some of them. They can. Many of them are absolutely fine and harmless. And I've held snakes, you know, and posed with them in the traditional manner with them around your neck, you know, when you do that. And you go, see? What, like burlesque style? Yes, in my cabaret act in the jade dress the jade onesie that i nearly

wore but yeah um so yeah i'm a little bit wary of that so you're way off so i'd have to dock your points here okay so minus points minus i don't know i'm gonna say 72 points. Oh, that's harsh. That is so harsh. 36 per animal. Okay. 159 minus 72. Can you do that? Don't you have an app on there that has a calculator on it? Round it up.

He's down to 80. Okay. So we're saying I'm on 80. Something like that. Okay, fair enough. Bill's added a couple of animal-related questions here. Has he? No, he didn't. Okay, fair enough. Bill's added a couple of animal related questions here. Has he? No he didn't, I made them up but Bill should probably know the answer to them. So Simon, true or false, ants will enslave other ants, keeping them captive, much like Bill keeps poultry captive, and makes them do work for him, for the colony. So what's this got to do with Bill?

Bill has a colony of ants and he's the queen. Is it true or false? Enslave other ants, keeping them captive, making them do work for the colony. It's true. You think that's true? Yeah. Is that true, Bill?

Yeah, I reckon it is. It is true. It is true. So do we both get points for that one? I reckon it is. It is true. It is true. So do we both get points for that one? I don't know. How does that work? We get ten points each. You're up to ten.

Ten. I did ask Terps to help me write the questions, and I'm not sure he got the idea of the quiz. No. I don't think he's watched it, and he's been on it. That's true. There is another true or false question here. Go on.

The Eurasian Badger. Okay. Do you know the Latin for all these The Eurasian badger. Okay. Do you know Latin for all these things? You're a big fan. Yeah. Eurasian badger, meles meles. Very good.

Really? Very antisocial compared to their American cousins. Is this true or false? I would say yes. They don't return phone calls. They don't respond to emails. My mate Jeremy is actually a Eurasian badger. He built him a tunnel on the road I haven't heard from him in like three years. I think couldn't even remember what he looked like. I send him birthday cards

He never sends me anything on my birthday What's the answer to that Bill? I reckon I reckon that's false. It is false. Yeah, so Jeremy's just an asshole and that's false. It is false. Yeah. So Jeremy is just an asshole. He doesn't like you. Far more social.

Far more social. He is hanging out with a load more badgers you don't even know about. He's in with a bad crowd of badgers. Badgers. On the wrong side

of the set. Badgers. They're very sociable Eurasian badgers. They're always sharing stuff. Always down the pub. They're always sharing stuff. Always down the pub. They're always hanging out. Yeah, you can use a set.

It's a very big, gigantic badger community. One of the biggest, friendliest communities in Europe. Apart from, of course, the Estonian Skype community. This is probably the best of all. Skype. Invented by an Estonian in Estonia. Yeah. Yeah. I know.

OK, well, that's fantastic. I think you both get some points there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I got it wrong. You got it wrong. So Bill's up to 20. 20? Yeah.

Bill, you're up to how? 20. I'll give you 40. Whoa, what? And he's on, oh he got it wrong. So I got 10 for knowing the word badger. Yeah. Okay.

And then 40 for getting all the questions right. So you're on 50 then? 50. And so I'm on, what are you on Simon? 90 I think. 90, all right. You got the first one right, but then you got the second one wrong.

So you're actually gonna be back to. No, that's fine. No, you carry on with your points there. Yeah, your big 90 points. You're at 80. Just enjoy yourself. I'm very proud of those 90 points. Enjoy those points because they're going down. We're going to carry on with the animal questions.

I know this might be slightly worrying for all of your menagerie of pets and animals at home, but what is Bill's favourite, his number one most favourite pet, even though he might not admit it to the others? Okay, so Bill's house is on fire. He made some chips late at night and a chip fan just went up. A chip fan? And he got, like, a big pail of water and threw it on it, like an idiot.

They always have a pail hanging handy. Yeah, yeah. We always have a broomstick. I imagine there's a lot of pails at the exhibit. Flaming torches around the place. You put your room in some sort of medieval cabin. Pretty much. Sawdust and straw on the floor.

Not far off actually. Milking stool. The whole house is made of very dry wood. Dry wood. We use moss to clad it. Yes. Very dry moss. And you cook the cowpats in the fire too.

Very dry cowpats. Yes, oh yeah, we use that. The whole thing is just waiting to go up. So you're saying we're living in some kind of death trap. Yes. And all your houses live inside the house. Right. And you've only got time to get one animal out of it.

A ferret, your favourite ferret. Okay. Clive. Clive the ferret. Clive your ferret. And you're getting that, how you're getting the, I'm sending vibes of a ferret to you? More like a scent. A scent. Pheromones. From your trousers. Maybe there's a sort of vague... Down the trouser thing. Well, I have to say, you're getting your way off. That's not ferret that I'm getting. Your way off. That's not ferret.

That's not. Ferret, I'm afraid. That's his lunch. His sandwich. It was a sandwich. Cover myself in anti... I've just come from a hunt saboteur meeting. I'm covered with an anti...

Anti-bear. Anti-bear. No, it wouldn't be a ferret. We haven't got a ferret. You haven't got a ferret? No, we haven't got a ferret. You're from the West Country. You keep animals, it wouldn't be a ferret. We haven't got a ferret. You haven't got a ferret? No, we haven't got a ferret. You're from the West Country. You keep animals and you don't own a ferret.

We don't own a ferret. It's a very friendly, quite a lovable, friendly animal. We've really missed out. We've got dogs. We've got a chameleon. A chameleon? Yeah.

We've got parrots, starlings, pigeons, worms, we've got locusts. You can't really have a pet worm. We're not pets, they're food. They're baits. They're in the garden. The chameleon eats a locust. I always feel very bad because when you hand the chameleon the locust...

It never says thank you. Well, it never says thank you. And also, you have to douse the locust in vitamins to bulk up the chameleon's muscles or something. That's quite nice actually. But when you put the locust in the magic vitamin dust, it thinks it's getting a sort of bath or something. I always feel bad because it goes, oh this is nice. Well, you won't be enjoying it for long.

Seasoning. That's what they do with KFC. They cover all the live chickens in a special sort of sauce. And then they... All right, the chickens are going, oh, great, I smell delicious. This is nice. Every day they get that. Oh, I smell wonderful.

Oh. Oh, this is such a treat. Where are we going? I hear bubbling. We're going to a club. Is this a spa? Oh, no. Oh.

Yeah. So, no, it wouldn't be that, it would be the chameleon. A chameleon? A chameleon, yeah. It's not the friendliest of pets, but you know, it's precious. You don't get much affection from a chameleon. You get nothing from it. They're not very cuddly.

Sometimes it will stare at you as though it doesn't want to kill you. Yeah. Or without indifference in its eyes. It does that. What's its name? For hours and hours. Well, the original chameleons were called Posh and Bex. Okay. I don't know how or why.

And then one of them escaped. Which one? Well, Posh, she got away. And you never think a chameleon, because chameleons move very, very slowly. Deliberately. And it somehow escaped from the bathroom. I don't know how.

Maybe it's because they can disguise themselves Objects wearing a false mustache Well, I thought it was just colors it had an overcoat on with the other car We're gonna go to Bill's house we're gonna go in the kitchen and there's gonna be all these camouflage We're going to go to Bill's house, we're going to go in the kitchen and there's going to be all these camouflaged chameleons all around that he hasn't noticed. It's just going to be all the babies. That was hundreds of them here. We pick up a pail. That's not a pail! Oh my god.

That chameleon disguises it as a bucket. Wow. That would actually be good though in a... Just made me think about loads of stuff in my house now. Well now, you know, to go around you should get, you know, a checklist and just, you know, to go around you should get a checklist and just, you know, tick off all the dangerous things. Get rid of those naked flames. It is true though because famously you don't notice the things in your house. My dad put up half a tennis ball to show not to bang your head on the stairs when you go by and

five years later he didn't know that tennis ball was there anymore but everyone else came round and said why is there a tennis ball off a bit of string hanging off the stairs? That's good though. But it was half tennis balls everywhere. It was like a lunatics house. And it's the same with you, you know, you go for a mug and you get a chameleon instead. Yeah. Whoa! You feel the chameleon.

SKP. OK, so yeah, it would be the chameleons, not the ferrets. I was hoping... Give me a point though, I have to try and look into ferrets. SKP. What? No. No. Okay. So, yeah, it would be the chameleons, not the ferrets. I was hoping... Give me a point, though. I have to try and look into ferrets. I was hoping you would be named Clive. So, for potentially saving your life and the lives of your family and all of your pets...

Well, well, well, well, hold on. Perhaps I should get some points. When did it become the lives of my family as well? Well, they've got to get out of the burning house as well... Oh, okay. All right. ... whilst you're fucking around trying to get a chameleon. That's right.

Help! Help! Help! Back into the flames! Well we saved the... where have you gone? Clive, oh. It's disguising itself as a fire. Sponge. That is not a good defence mechanism is it? So surely some points for, you know, potentially...

Yeah, okay, 100 points. 100 points. 100 points. 100 of your finest points. So I'm 190. 180. 190! Great. That's a good question.

So, Simon, do you think Bill is any good at darts? Wow. Following on... It's funny that that's the next question. I do have to make him up as I go along a little bit. Right. Does Bill like darts? Yeah.

Maybe in his younger days. Better idea. What's Bill's favorite pub game? Darts. Pub game. Pool. Pool, shuffle boards. If I just name all of them, one of them would be right.

No, I've got to settle on one. Do you know what I think? A good game of cribbage. I think he enjoys a cribbage. The little, the little, who wants to be a millionaire machine? No, no, no, no, no. He doesn't waste money on that nonsense.

You know, in his youth, he would have played a bit of pool and a bit of darts. But I think, you know, as he's mellowed with age, he enjoys a good cribbage. A cribbage? With a small sherry. A cribbage? With a small sherry. A cribbage and a sherry. And a tiny glass.

You've seen me as some sort of... Pop the monocle in. Some kind of dowager. Half a cider. Yeah, a little sherry and a game of cribbage. Yes, it'd be marvellous. No, I'd... No'd know you way off again. Oh, Simon.

Way off. Way off. What are you doing? He's in the garden doing the balls. Bowling. You know, the bar, what's that thing? Sally. No, when you do the...

Aunt Sally. Skittles. Oh. Yes. Skittles? Skittles. Oh, that's the best bar. In a bar?

In a bar, of course. Yeah, we've done that. Skittles in a bar? Skittles in a bar. You're missing out game. In a bar? In a bar, of course! Yeah, we've done that. Skittles in a bar? Skittles in a bar! You're missing out. You're missing out if you've never done that. It's active.

You're getting, you know, you're working your... Your arm. Your glutes, arms. Your glutes. That's your ass. Your ass. I don't know what you're bowling the ball with. I don't know.

But then there's another, my second favourite would be that game with the bar billiards game, which is like pool or one of those games, but they have those wooden mushrooms that you balance over the holes. And you can't hit the wooden mushrooms because that points off, and you have to then just sneakily get the ball all around the angles to get in the holes. But that's a game. Actually, it's a very bad game to put in a pub because any kind of whiff of alcohol,

and you're used to selling it. Yeah. So you have to be stone cold sober. So in fact, it's a very poor game to put in a pub or anywhere they serve alcohol. But Skittles, that'll work, yeah. When you said lining up and bar, I thought it was going to be, you know,

like a drinking game with like 10, you know tequila shots or so. All right. Yeah No, no, no, no, no. Well that all that as well Because of that saying knock the balls around the design not not cribbing not cribbage. No, I'm sorry. I mean I Disappointed you there with your sherry you had some vision of me in Yeah, it little pub somewhere. In a little dress. Top hat. In a stovepipe hat.

Yeah. On a big pipe like... At your gentleman's club. Sitting in front of a roaring fire, leather seat. Beautiful. A roaring chameleon. Oh, no. They're everywhere.

They're all over it. They're all in the pub. That's the ferret, isn't it? Clive? Clive was the ferret. He escaped as well, got eaten by the chameleon. You should get a ferret. No, I'd love to get a ferret.

I'll look into that. Very lovable, very loved. They give them to sort of ill people and they cheer them up. Do they? Yeah. Very good therapy. Therapy, therapeutic animals. They also use them to wire up planes.

You know, they give a ferret like the wiring in the planes. They run down the fuselage. True. Are you sure? Really? Still used by BAE systems. They've got a division, a brigade of ferrets in little hats, little uniforms. And they maintain the plane. They have badgers repairing the undercarriage. That's right. Bear pilot.

On their backs. All those weird wheelie things that they have. What are those things? It's like a skateboard. Bear cars. Bear cars. Bear cars. That's what they're known as. Motorised vehicles for large mammals.

Secured at the airport are just cougars on segways. What, cougars in the other sense? Marrylions, sort of. Well, you would hope. Not the, no. Who would do all the baggage, in the other sense? Mountain lions, sort of. Well, not the, no. Who would do all the baggage, all the heavy lifting? Elephants. Elephants doing the baggage. This is a very lively airport.

Getting the suitcase with their trunks and taking them over to the baggage. I like the sound of this. I love this animal airport you've invented. I love that. Who would the staff, the you know, the staff, you know, the hostesses be? The hostesses.

So it'd have to be something slender. Long-legged ostrich. Oh, yeah, to handle all the passports and stuff. Yeah, that would be good. Drinks. Enjoy your flight. Enjoy your flight. Tea or coffee?

Yes. Tea or coffee? That'd be brilliant, wouldn't it? Tea or coffee? And they could do eight at a time. One thing. Chicken or fish? Your exits are here. Chicken or coffee? Tea or coffee? That'd be brilliant, wouldn't it? They could do eight at a time. One thing. Chicken or the fish? Chicken or fish? Your exits are here. Chicken or fish?

That'd be it. One movement. Yeah. All of the exits. There. They're everywhere. But if there's eight exits, what would it be standing on? Suddenly it would just go oof because there were two it was standing on.

Well, no, there'd be like a harness. So the octopus would be dangling. Yeah, in a harness and then on rails that could go up and down. Like on a tracking system. So the octopus would just up and down the aisle. Oh, my God. Taking drinks. All the seats would be Teletubbies.

Yeah. And then you'd be able to sort of sit on the back of the, behind the Teletubbies seat. Yeah. But you'd also have like the Teletubbies crotch underneath the TV. That comes down. So where you'd be storing your magazines. Teletubby pouch.

Would be kangaroos. Teletubbies special area. Yeah. Oh okay. Well that doesn't work out but I'm liking the animal. We'll put that last one on hold. Yeah. Other thing, everything else is fine.

Pilot is a wasp. Wasp, yeah. And then his co-pilot comes in, it's a human and the wasp just freaks out. There's a human in the cockpit with it. I've got very good all-round vision with the wasps. That's perfect for the pilot. Bill, a big musician, big, big player

of all kinds of instrument. What is the most unusual instrument that Bill Bailey has played? Oh, that's a good one. That's a great one. Oh, that's a tricky one. You get points off for thinking. He's been, wow.

So I should just instantly know, is that what you're saying? I don't have encyclopaedic knowledge about your life. I should do because then I wouldn't be prepared for this. Yeah, but I like your lack of preparation. I'm not supposed to prepare because that would be cheating. I have to make educated guesses. Yeah, I see. Yeah, simple. I've got to be simple. You've got to be simple, Simon.

Not well-prepared brief timing. Yeah, exactly. What've got to be simple. You've got to be simple, Simon. Not well-prepared brief timing. Yeah, exactly. What's the fun of that? If I just got everything perfectly right, there would be no humour in this whole absurd situation. It's just a laminated list of questions. Exactly, exactly. I know, of course.

So, you're well-travelled. You've been around. I've been around. Oh, yeah. I've been around. I didn't mean in that sense. But, sure, in that sense. Get around. He gets around, oh yeah. I've been around. I didn't mean in that sense. But sure, in that sense. Get around, he gets around. Get around.

Get around. Turn it to Never Mind the Buzzcut. We're just doing like a, we're filling in for your thinking time. Come on, yeah, it's like thinking music. I know, it's like this kind of... Give us a region of the world. What's that? It's classic of... Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,

do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do Like a jack in the box with a head springs on. I think... You can say things were in... I'm thinking... This isn't helping! This is so distracting!

Oh my God! Thinking music, so just be somebody going, come on, come on, come on, no pressure, no pressure, come on, come on, come on. It's like exams, isn't it? Oh, it's horrible. I'll give you a clue. Give us a a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz.

It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz.

It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz.

It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like a quiz. It's like guitar there. Wait, hold on. Hang on a minute. Okay, all right, oh wow. I've just, it's attached to something. All right, okay. Well, I would hope it was a stringed instrument. So this is a clue. You're charming me like a snake. Yeah. You're getting the idea.

Yeah, you're getting the idea, yeah. What's the country would that bring to mind? Wales. Wales? Home of John Rhys-Davies. Home of the better acting... You'd just better just... You're really skating very close to the edge of... John Rhys-Davies. Home of the better acting... You just better just... You're really skating very close to the edge of...

Is this to keep the snakes away? Zero points. Because you've got a phobia of the snakes, you've learned the whole... The meaner I answer you, the less points I'm getting. That would charm the snakes. No, this is... What part of the world? India.

Yeah, nearly. Pakistan. No, keep going. Tibet. Go left. Nepal. Left. Left. Turn left.

Left. What do you mean, West? Left to India. West. No, left. Left. When you get to India, turn left. Sri Lanka.

Keep... That's right. Australia. No. I've gone too far. Stop. We missed the exit. It's your turn.

I'm going to turn around. Go back. Ugh. Poli... Polynesia. Is that even a place? That's not even contiguous. Siam. That's an old word for Thailand. You're using old words for countries now. Rhodesia. Persia. You're going way back. I'll go back in time. The Holy Roman Empire. Try and recalibrate yourself. Okay. Right, India.

Yes. Turn left. Go west. You're looking at India. You're standing looking at India. Upper India. North. You're looking north at India. And you go, no, no, no.

Go left. India's in front of you. That's all fucking mountains. Don't go there. What are you talking about? Not this time of night. No, wait. Excuse me, mate.

Ah, no, wait. Ah, Afghanistan. That's it, now you're getting close. You're getting close. Somewhere else, think of another stand. Very close to Afghanistan. No, turn right. Turn right and go down, there'll be a light on.

What's there? What's that one? Pass the little chef. Yeah. Pass the little chef. Actually. Parts the little chef. Actually, ironically, it's an old word. One of your old words, you know you love your old words for countries. Think of one of them. There was a game in a film. Cluedo. Not.

What? Cluedo. Cluedo. That famous country, Cluedo. It's Tim Curry's in the movie. Cluedo. Cluedo. Cluedo. It's Tim Curry's in the movie. Cluedo.

Yes, Chad, formerly Cluedo. No. Prince of... Jumanji. Persia. Persia, yes, Persia. Persian instrument. Persian instrument, which is modern day Iran. Okay.

So it's one of them. It's an instrument of Iran. An Iranian instrument. Yes. It's also the name of an alien from Doctor Who. There's a big clue. Um, Sontaran. No. I'd like to play one. Yeah, I'd play a Sontaran, wouldn't you? There's been a lot of... The Silence. That's quite an instrument. Your favourite instrument is Silence. All instruments are shut down. No way.

The Iranian instrument is silence. Yes, come on. You must... Is it the Chang? The Chang. Yep. Wow. Stop cheating! Stop looking at that!

Stop looking it up on Wikipedia! Well, look, this is the access we have these days. We have this instant feedback. I can just search for things. I found the Estonian national instrument. It's the canel. Have you played one of them? Wow. No, I haven't. It looks good, doesn't it?

It looks a bit like a bit of a dulcimer. It's a kind of a... It's a zither. It's a zither. It's a special zither. It's like a kind of if a guitar was just made out of a block of wood. Yeah. That's what it is.

Some nails. It's rudimentary. The Daleks. No. The Cylons. No. You're going way back. Garlics. No. The Cylons. No. You're going way back. I'm thinking recently.

I don't think I can. The glockenspiel. Oh. Oh, God. What the hell are they called? Oud. Oud. Oh.

You got it in one. Well, you didn't. You got it in a ridiculously... How did I get it? You got it in less than 100. Ridiculously. You got it in one. Torturous root. You got it in one. Well, I finally spelled it out for you. You got it in less than 100! Ridiculously, sort of, tortuous route.

I got it in one. Well, I finally spelled it out for you. You got it in one second. You got it in one. Oud. Thousand. Oud. That's it. Well done. Well done. Oh, God. I'm knackered.

That was an ordeal, fellas. Jeez. Well, holy crap. It's a ten-stringed instrument similar to a lute and it originates in Iran. And that's my favourite. What could you play on it? Not that much. Jingle bells?

Three blind mice and an assortment of Persian love ballads. Oh crikey, you charm the Persian badger, they come along and they... And an assortment of Persian love ballads. Oh, crikey. You charm the Persian badger. They come along and they just love it. Persian badgers. Well, there you go. I think that is well enough. What am I on at the moment? You're on 50.

I'm on 180. Right, so if I dock him 131, I win by one. Yes, but there is one final question. Ah, that could be the decider. OK, all right then. Go for it. So you're equal on 50 apiece or are you going to put him on 49? I'm going to put myself one ahead on 50. You're on 49.

And this is for two points. You have played this very strategically, Bill. So it's all down to this question. I don't like this. Okay. So, of course, Simple Simon wasn't a pie man, but he met a man. He was a pie man. Yeah, and therefore he knows a little bit about pies.

Wait, you've put your iPad down. You're off iPad now. Well, I know the question. You've got an update, Lewis. It's just a game. It's just one of my games. Telling me to play me. Okay.

So what is Bill Bailey's favourite pie filling? His favourite pie filling? Very traditional, I think. West Country fella. Steak and ale pie with peas, garden peas, minty peas. Steak and ale pie. So dirty. They're very attractive. Minty peas, minty peas, steak and ale pie. I said that in a very attractive, minty peas. Minty peas, mind you, not normal peas. Minty, minted petit pois.

Minty petit pois avec le menthe. Mint, mint, menthe. Du menthe, oui. Bien sûr. A little pie with the steak Mint. Mince. Du menthe. Oui? Bien sûr. A little pie with the steak in a rich sauce with the ale on a little piece. I thought we were just going to transition into French then. Turn into some Nicholas French.

Turn into a cook and say, this pie is puffy. OK, what pastry? I want you to eat the pie in your mouth. Flaky shortcrust puff. I beg your pardon? We've never had so much detail on this. I reckon you like the flaky. A flaky pastry, you enjoy a good flaky pastry with...

Yes, I do. ..with a steak and ale with... Yes, I do...with a steak and ale filling. Yes, I do. This is...this is... This is worryingly close to the bull's-eye you've hit here, Simon. Is there anything I'm missing? Am I missing... You're missing the other crucial ingredient to this delicious feast. You've got your pie.

Mashed potato! Mashed potato! And you don't like it really smooth. You like lumpy mashed potato. No, I like it, I like it sieved. People are going to think this is fixed. With bits of skin still on it even, just to give it a bit of taste. Bit of dirt, bit of twig in it or something.

Of course you do. How do you? Man's potatoes. This is the second time in a row Simon's got it. You've got to get a plate's potatoes. This is the second time in a row Simon's got it. You've got to get completely spot on. That is uncanny. No, genuinely, that is... You did have a real losing streak.

Yeah. I brought it back at the end, though. You've got it. You've got it. I've won. You've won. I beat Bill Bailey. You've won.

I've beat Bill Bailey. Eiffel Tower. Beat him. You've beat me. I was going to say... I nearly said short crust, but if I'd said that, I'd have felt bad because it's actually flaky. So you won.

Well look that was flipping spectacular everyone. Well done. What a happy ending. What a cliffhanger. Thank you Will. How was that a cliffhanger? It was because I nearly won. But you didn't.

No so it's disappointment really. Disappointment, really. Disappointment for you. Three. Glorious victory. Glory for you. Bitterness. And warm filling inside of me. Much like your favourite pie. Much like my favourite pie.

Isn't that beautiful? Delicious warm filling. Lovely. Thank you, Ron. See you next time on Superstar. Thank you, Bill Bailey. You're most welcome. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I hope you've learned something. About? Stuff. Yeah, you should have. I hope you've learned something. About? Stuff. Yeah, you should have. Dude.

Estonia. Yeah, it's the classic. Visit today. Visit today. Come, visit. We have Skype! We don't have telephone. No.

But we have a Skype. No. Also not very much electric. But Skype, oh! Many forests. Please visit. We are poor. Can I press this off switch now? You can.