Triforce! - This is NOT a family friendly episode | Triforce Mailbag #75

Episode Date: August 26, 2026

Triforce Mailbag 75! How do we deal with getting recognised in public (by 4 year olds)? What kind of food does the Demon of Breakfast recommend? How should non-binary Triforce fans identify themselves? Why does Jeremy Clarkson think we're all snowflake babies? Can ever record a family-safe episode?! Take control of your income. Start your free trial at http://shopify.com/triforce Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickax. Good morning, afternoon, good night, good evening, good middle of the night, good noon. Oh my god, that's a lot of goods. It's the mailbag. I'm covering the whole spectrum of diamonds. I think you missed a few. Good breakfast, good lunch, good dinner. Isn't that good morning?

And well, those are meals. I had, I had, I had, what, did you guys have breakfast this morning? I had breakfast. I did. I have breakfast every morning, thanks very much for asking. I often skip it. You often skip? They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Do they still say that or is that changed? Who said that? You think it was the Kellogg's company that said it? Well, yeah, exactly. Who said that some idiotic scientists? It's big breakfasts. It's fucking coveting and telling us for their corporate interests. They should drag them into a congressional hearing and...

Mr. Breakfast guy. Throw them away. Lock them up and throw away the key. Yeah. They'll just dodge answers, of course. Just deny that Biden won the election. It's got a mailback. We've got mail back.

Yeah, we have. All right, first things first, this is a jingle. Jingle haters, be damned. I frankly don't care what you think or say, I like the jingles and I'm going to play it. Let me just... Just to balance things out a bit. I do care about you very much. And I care about what you think and say, no, the haters.

If you did a show, I'm trying to balance things out. If you're driving your car or wherever you are, hi, if you did it groan when Perian said we're going to play a jingle, shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you. power to you, I say. All right. This one is from, this is the return of Big Beats Barry. Big Beet for this one.

Big Beets Barry. All right. Playing in three, two, one, play. Big Beets Barry. Can you hear the robot voice in the back is good. Yeah. Yeah, Lewis. Well set this.

This sounds like a cyberpunk. music. It does. Okay, that that is the soundtrack to like a 2000s crime prestige. It's like CSI spin-off, CSI Jersey. Yeah. I mean, that's the song for that. And, you know, it's got cutaways to like Peary and like looking really stressed out

and then like Sips doing a cool turn to the camera. And you swabbing some semen off the underside of a mattress, that kind of thing. Exactly. Like, and it's spraying, you know, DNA. Oh, that's, it's exactly that. That's what it's got the energy of. Yeah. Again, not a jingle.

That's like a theme tune. Yeah, we need jingles here. We're interested in jingles and jingles. We're in like jingles and bumpers and things to play like, you know, when Thomas Thomas Hazel has to cut a section and it would be jarring if there wasn't like. It needs to be like those 50s ones like, Try Forrest podcast. Yes, indeed. Put us on when you're smoking weed, like stuff like that, you know?

Like it's got to be. Maybe you should have said that. Yeah. Well, I think we just assumed that people knew what a jingle was. A lot of them do. I like, you know, listening to these and thank you for sending them. But, but they're too long to be a jingle. What about put us on while you're drinking weed?

No? Better. I thought that would be better. Okay, could you just do that clean so everyone has it to use some. You're going to have to cut it up. I'm too lazy. Just cut it all up. Put us on while you're injecting weed.

While you're pissing yourself. This is an email from two of our possibly youngest listeners. Right. I regularly listen to you guys. How old are we talking here? You'll find out. It's fine. Young man.

Okay, I just want to say before you start this, I'm getting a lot of this this week. I don't know what's going on. There's a lot of people that just seem to be turning up and they're like, I used to watch you when I was 10 years old. And now I'm 75 years old and I can't believe you're still going. Like, this is, it's happened a lot this week. And I feel like this email is turning into one of those as well. Is that going to happen?

No. That happened to me this week too. Because the guy working on my roof recognized me. Oh, no. And he's like a strapping 30-year-old man. Right, right. You know, and he was like, I used to watch all your micro videos.

I didn't know you still go. He's got the tiny tim voice as a roof. That's nice. Please, sir. But I have to. Redo the flashing here. Looks like the insulation is fucked on this one. The thing is they sort of resue.

They revert to a little bit of a child. Yeah. Because of them telling the story about something that they did with it, they almost become a child in my mind again. So where did it happen to you, Sips? Was it? Well, like a bunch of times in chat. No, you're right.

I don't go very many places. Oh, yeah. Happened on. I actually did run into a couple of people in Bristol while I was there. But I mean, that's like, if I run into people in real life, that's usually the, I used to watch you a long time ago. No, I don't watch you anymore. And it's always like, why don't you watch anymore?

And they're like, oh, I just got old and I don't watch anything kind of thing. But more so like on the internet, like a lot of people have been turning up in chat and stuff, you know? Like, I don't know. Maybe it's just like a... It happened to me last week in Bradford on Ava. I went for a walk. And I think they clocked me. And were, you know, sometimes this happens to me as well.

I'll see someone I recognize. And then I didn't have a chance to talk to them. But they went into a shop or did something. But then I kept an eye on them. I thought, you know, oh, if he comes out of the shop and he comes past me again, I'll say hi. And so it was very much, it was like, there was a couple. And he was like, oh, I've got, you know, and she was like elbowing him, say, say the thing, say the thing. And he was like, well, you have to say the thing now.

And she's like, I'm not saying the thing. No, I'm not doing that. It was very much. Oddly enough, nice interaction. There's a shop near Charing Cross Road in London called the Orks Nest, like an old gaming show. I've been there for years. It's like board games and miniatures and all that kind of stuff. I was in there the other weekend.

I walked in and a lad behind the counter looked at me and went, oh, and then thought better of saying anything and didn't say anything. And I couldn't tell him. And you could see that him knowing that he's supposed to say, I have a tiny penis, but then like being aware of the way he was. Yeah, but he was working in the shop.

So either he thought, oh, I'll keep a professional. Or he mistook me for someone else and realized he was wrong. Or he just happened to be saying, oh, I walked in. Or he recognized me and thought, oh, he's with one of his kids, so I won't say it. He thought you were somewhat more famous. Right. He thought it was Jason Statham. Oh, no, it's not Jason Statham.

Oh. Have you guys ever bumped into somebody who's recognized you, but they've been older than you? Like, most of the people I bump into are younger than me. I'm sure, well, I'm sure they're younger than me. most people are, I feel like, at this point. But have you ever bumped into somebody who's quite clearly, like, older than you? And if so, what is the attitude like? I feel like if you bumped into somebody older than you, they would be, like, different to you than a younger person would.

Like, maybe a bit more like, oh, my experience. It does happen quite often. They are always to say, they're filled with the joy of youth. and full of vigor. There's a lovely lady who works in Sainsbury's in Bristol City Center, and she informed me that she was a fan and watched with her kids. She's lovely. Yeah, I've seen it quite a lot at festivals or panels we've done as well.

It's a small pretenture to people who are in their 50s, 60s, but I guess it's going to get only larger. I suppose. But like when we used to go, when we used to do conventions and stuff, um, oftentimes like younger kids would come up to speak to you, but they'd be with their parents. And then their parents would be like, I have no idea who you are. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm here basically against my will. Uh, my kids, my kids, uh, know who you are, but I don't know who you are. I sort of resent you. Yeah. And they're looking at you kind of like, are you a fucking weirdo? and you're just thinking the whole time, I guess I probably am. Do you want to abduct my child? What are you doing to my child?

Yeah. Yeah. That's common. But actually these days, it's very much just a window, right? It's, I expect to be recognized by people between the ages of 25 and 35. That's like the window, right? I very rarely get recognized by anyone younger than that. No.

Or older than that. I did, I did get recognized by someone who was older, but they're a doot fan. So it's kind of different. Oh, that's a bit different. And this was at the idea. It was not Gabe. It was not Gabe. Gabe's like, love your, he was like, oh.

I love the word. Oh, I have a. I better not say it. I better not say it. My staff are here. My staff are here watching me. Oh. Runs back to your yacht.

Disappointed noise when someone sees you. Lost a lot of weight recently. I'm going to run back to my yacht running. Have that, have that bald guy killed. I don't care for it. Oh. All right, I'm going to finish this email. I regularly listen to you guys throughout the day

and only recently have I encountered an issue. My two sons were either not born or infants until recently, so they're very young. They're now four and two. They loved you guys singing, wind the bobbin up. Ten of ten review, lots of giggles and clapping. The following episode discussed porn a lot.

Now, this wouldn't have been a problem until very recently, but now my four-year-old actually listens to things I listen to. Oh, no. Luckily, I paused it before he hopefully picked up on it, but I now officially have to be cautious when I listen. Yes. I apologize. And also, they refer to us and Hap films as The Funny Guys.

The Funny Guys, that's nice. Thank you from a tired mother here. Maybe we should flag podcasts as like, you know, family friendly or not. You know, some, it wouldn't hurt, would it? It's like giving pronouns out, you know? It doesn't hurt. It's just a helpful thing to do. Get ready for some sassy chat about God knows what in this episode.

It's going to be full on. Okay, so we're doing the anti-family friendly warning. Yeah. Well, you can stick it at the front if you want. I mean, what do you mean? That's been fine so far, isn't it? Oh, you need like that sinister music. Maybe, like, one of our jingle makers can do, like, this sinister, like, unsolved

mysteries music. Warning, the podcast you're about to listen to may contain, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's going to be like that. In the background, that sinister, yeah. Like, build it up. It's like, that used to be, they used to put. that be like at the start of everything in the 90s remember like when the uh parental advisory stickers came out for music and warning the following program may contain scenes of blah blah it's like it you know

i i think it was great marketing really like you shouldn't really need a warning if you know you're not you're not just going to like on a whim just like i'm going to try out this show without knowing nothing about it you must know a little bit yeah well absolutely i do we do say some pretty unhinged things as well, to be honest. Well, you do. I think there's like some good montages out there of you saying very unhinged things. I think me and Flats are pretty, we're the straight guys. We're just along for the ride.

That's not true. You're the crazy person. Yeah, sure. You're a crazy person who needs to mind. I come out of this looking good, so I'll agree. All right, this is for, this is a reference. Hang on, we didn't. So how old are they?

Four and two. We've covered that. I started listening to you guys when I was four years old. Now I'm 23 and I'm in jail. Please help. Also, what's your favorite film? Oh, my lawyers have given up on me. In Mailbag 51, which is released in early 2025,

you discussed an embarrassing story a listener had on a date. This eventually made Lewis bring on the story he had and was about to share when he said, it's too fresh and told you off camera. We had this last week. I've been thinking about this for over a year. That was something else. I think. Oh, my God.

I need to hear it. It might be with his current partner or whilst he was on a hinge schmoodling through dates. Lewis cliffhanger Brindley strikes again. Yeah, I think that's two different stories.

His big hype-up setups for some of these stories are not for the ears of four and two-year-olds. Let's keep this one family-friendly boys. Okay. You know? You guys want to break into a sing-song?

Some stories are best not shared. Okay. They're just better. About some lawn mower name suggestions then. Yeah. You don't like Bernard. I join one of a little. I should hope to be a chorus of voices in asking,

please ask Lewis to name the lawnmower Lindsay Graham. Thank you for your consideration. There you go. I do like that. Yeah. We've also had, I-Mobot is one of them. Hang on a second. Can I just, can I, are you free?

Can you come in? I'm going to give you some robot names to nod or shake your head. Okay, let me just ask my partner what she thinks of these robot names, okay? Okay. Right. Lindsay Graham. She doesn't like that one. Okay.

I'mobot. I. Mobot. So instead of Bernard, yeah, I, Mobot. She's thinking about it. Do we have more than just these names? She prefers Bernard. All right. Keep going.

This one is Bernard Clippins. Instead of Birded Cribbins. Bernard Clippins. Burned Clippins. Like Bernard Cribbins. Who's Bernard Cribbins? Yeah. All right.

What about MoJ Simpson? My partner likes that. MoJ Simpson? Moj Simpson? Moj Simpson. No? No. No, no.

All right, wait. There was a thread on the subreddit the other day about the lawn mirror. Bernard Clippins is actually, she really likes that. Yeah, I quite like that one. She's still laughing. I mean, you've already settled on Bernard as well. I think she knows who it is. Right.

Well, I guess if you know who you, if you know who that is, that's going to be a good one. All right. Here are some other ones. Mr. Mojagi. Okay, how about this? Mr. Mojagi. She doesn't get the reference. That's from karate kid.

It's from karate kid, yeah. Lorna Del Rey. Lorna Del Rey. Lawner Del Rey. She thinks that's funny, but I don't think it's going to pass muster. Next. Mr. Mojangles. Mr. Mojangles.

Yeah. I'm not coming out with any of these. No. Mo Fara, like, but it's a Moe Farrar. That's no good. No. Ghost of Michael Mosley. I don't know who that is.

Michael Mosley. Who is Michael Mosley? Michael Mosley. I know that name. He was the guy who died on the island to where I was, was. He died like near me. Oh, there you go. And he died.

I was there in the heat wave. He walked off. That's right. Yeah, he was the doctor, right? I don't think that's appropriate. He died in Greece. He died in Greece. The final one, I should say.

He should name it 31st of January. It's not a punny name, but he might finally remember to file his taxes on time. Had a few emails about you not following your taxes. Terrible. These are all terrible names. Don't worry about that one. Thank you. Thank you.

We'll stick with Bernard Clippins. What about Mohamed Ali? No? That level of shit, isn't it? Oh, yeah. He's dead as well. Tell your partner, Mohamed Ali. See what she says.

Mohamed Ali. She is laughing. There you go. We got one. He takes us. He swings the left. He dances like a butterfly and strikes like a bee. Well, look, we've got, a third jingle has just hit the towers.

Jesus Christ. Just hit the mailbox. Just come in. This is called it. Is this actually a jingle or another sort of theme tune? It's 21 seconds. It's called TriForce Mailbag Yehor. Right.

Okay. You like how you're weaving them into the thing now. I know. It's very clever. Yeah, it's clever. Three, two, one, play. We'll suck my dick, is it that time, man? To listen to my three-fabriot old man

There's nothing that they won't discuss I'm so out up I'm gonna bust So suck my dick because it's the tri-force male bag Nice That's a jingle right there You-ha, that's a jingle Family-friendly That is Jessica, she's Scottish

And says she has never set foot in America Scottish and is the proud owner of a gaping vagina Well, Jessica, that was very convincing I thought that you were from You've got a future Listen, there's country and western stars out there for you. Yeah. You know, make your way to the south of America.

I think more country Western songs should start with, well, suck my dick. It's definitely be great. Oh, man. Yeah, I agree. Less about cowboy boots and trucks and meeting people in bars. It's good of more of that. Yeah. All right.

We got another email from a gaping vagina over here. This is a story that some of the. details have been obscured. Some names have been changed and details obscured to protect the innocent. Warning. Several years ago, I met his family through work and began babysitting their young children. The mum was super nice and I worked for her for several years. Recently, I realized they didn't really know a lot about her and decided to Google her in order

to see if I could find out where she worked. Well, to my surprise, a lot of hits came back. Turns out, several years ago, her partner, the father of her children, was killed by police in their home. Not just that, but when initially approached by police, he tried to attack them with various weapons like a crossbow before being shot and killed. Turns out the parents were whack jobs, and the man was involved in an online terrorism plot, hence the police sting.

This was a huge story in my city and since telling friends of my discovery, they all knew immediately the story I was talking about. Interestingly, the family never moved from the home this happened in. When I was reading articles about it, I could imagine the scene as I'd been in the house, and it remains largely unchanged. Now the mother was implicated in some criminal activity and had previous arrests, But since I've known her, she seems very normal and just the nicest person. They always are.

However, since learning of this, I've decided to no longer babysit the children. I went back since learning of this and was very uncomfortable. I could imagine the rooms where events took place and became apparent to me why there are zero pictures of the father. When I asked one of the kids one day before I found out, they responded all robotic, like a code word in a sleeper cell, and say, he was taken too soon. It gave me chills, and I have never brought it up again. Jesus Christ. My question is, would you keep babysitting the children or get the heck out of it? I get the heck out of there.

God. If I knew the forbidden information that you knew at the time, I would be long gone. There's no way I would go there. Why would you go back? It's best to just know nothing, isn't it? Sometimes, you know, ignorance is bliss. They do say that ignorance is bliss, yeah. They also say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

They do. They say that. Yeah. The man. The man. Shit. The demon of breakfast. I've been believing the man the whole time.

I can't believe it. I am Naz Kumar, the demon of breakfast. It is the most important meal of the day. Need my words, mortal. Consume your breakfast cereals. Yes. It feeds my power. You need fiber.

You must have. The fiber. Drink the orange juice. Enjoy your breakfast. Foul mortal. Foul, Oh, fuck I love Gambler, the god of breakfast

I love Gambler the god of breakfast so much When can he come back on the podcast? Yeah, get Naz Kumar What kind of cereals Do you recommend Nas Kumar for me to be The driest of the cereals is what

Special K for example Oh One of those boxes of what looks like Cardboard, but I think they call it Musley. Man, you were talking my love language here with these cereals. I love a dry piece of

brown bread with no butter, no jam, nothing. Just dry toast and water. Coffee, a coffee, but you've run out of milk and sugar by mistake and now it's just black coffee. What about a cereal

but you've run out of milk and you have to use water instead? You must use water. dirty water from the dog's bowl. Yes. Dog water on your dry musely. This is like the breakfast of apocalypse. Yeah. The world's ended and you're having to...

Welcome to hell. It's a continental breakfast. We have rocks, burnt feces. And blood. What continent is that from? The continent of hell. Calm down, geez. Oh, man.

Jesus Christ. All right. This is an email from Ben. He wants to know about the distinction between True Bold and men that shave their heads. Right. And I've said this before that. True bold is that. I think head shavers have a lot more confidence.

That's how you can tell the difference. True balds are like, have been beaten down by, by the world you know Reddit they lost their hair they're defeated yeah

they're defeated yeah they're they're they're not as well I don't know I say this but there's plenty of people who look

naturally bald who are just full of confidence you know name free what's that the FIFA CEO

okay Jeff Bezos Jeff Bezos Jeff Bezos And that guy that owns Ultimate Fighting Championship, that bald guy. Joe Rogan. Dana White. Yeah, look at all these great bold men.

These really confident bald guys. These are what I would call involuntarily bold, though. They're like in balds. What are you talking about? No, they're bald balls. The natural bold. They're like billiard bald. That's what we're talking about.

They didn't choose to be bold. No one chooses to be bold. That's the point. chooses to. There's all, even people that are totally bald, there's a bit of hair. They have to shave the little bits of hair still. Like, there's some hair. Like, if I don't shave my head, I get these little, little outliers that are still clinging

off and how they manage it. And the side of your head still has, like, quite a bit of hair too, you know? It's just the top that goes bald, really. Yeah. But I'm definitely true bold. I mean, but if I could just grow my hair out and have hair, obviously I'm not bold, You've just shaved your head. There's a big difference, isn't there?

There's a big difference. I draw the line between whether or not you're a decent human being or a hair-having piece of shit. That's how I draw the line. My partner said this to me the other day, and she said your fashion choices and your style choices are either something that you have considered to be good or something that you consider to be funny.

Because I had a moustache for a long time, and I found it so funny to have a moustache. And I want to get that was my entire motivation for having it though because I thought it was really funny There's a couple of people I noticed at the office that are rocking moustaches now Dav always has a mustache. It's very funny. One of the half films guys has one. I can't remember who.

Smithy, I think maybe has one. Yeah, I think Smithy. I might get back. But like, you know, I feel like this is insane with everything. No, same with like even clothes and like shoes and glasses. You know, I, if it's if it's funny enough. I'll do it. I just go for...

It's kind of weird. I just go for comfort now. I don't really care about how I look like at all really anymore. I just want to wear track shorts and a T-shirt as much as possible. Mrs. Mrs. Sips is a lucky woman. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't even care anymore.

She sure is. No, I mean, like I care to some extent, but not to the extent where I'm going out like clothes shopping and grooming myself. to that extent or whatever, you know, like, I'm clean. Like, I wash myself. Like, I get a haircut. I shrily occasionally and stuff, you know. Yeah.

I do what I got to do. You know, I think it's fine. But, like, I don't understand people that go, like, to, to, like, super lengths to, like, you know, buy, you know, like, they really go clothes shopping and they buy clothes for, like, events and stuff like that or, like, the personal grooming and, like, I mean, a little bit, yeah, I understand, but like, like, when you're spending like all day, basically, just like brooming yourself and like looking at yourself in the mirror and stuff like that, it's a bit. That's a bit much.

That's an extreme, you know, that's basically, what is that lad that just looks in the water and loves his own reflection? Narsis. Looks, right? Looks max. Yeah. Looks maxing. I do love shopping for clothes and I'll happily buy stuff, but I shop very quickly.

I'm not a ponderer. I'll go in. I either don't see anything I like or I'm like, I like that. Yeah, nice size, buy it. Like, I'm very decisive in that regard. We went to buy some shoes. I needed some new shoes. Walked in, those, tried them on.

They fit, paid out. Yeah, that's how I do too. Well, I would spend more time if things actually fitted me at all. That's the thing. I went into a shoe shop the other day with my partner and they would try and shoes on. So I was like, oh, I'll try a couple of shoes on. You have shoes in elf sizes because I'm a little pixie man. Is that what you have to say?

Like, if I go shopping with my partner, I don't really get involved, you know. Like if she's trying shoes on or something like that, I'm just standing there and wait. Like, I just want to get out of there. I was, I was in, I think it was Clark's in an outlet village or something. Was this in Mr Village or whatever it was called? No, it was down in, in, some of it is. Yeah, I know where it is. Yeah, I know exactly the one you mean. It's in street.

It's in street, yes. Next door to Glastonbury. Mrs. F's parents used to make us drive there. Once a year, they'd go to street to go to the Clark's outlet to save my And it occurred to me that the money spent on petrol and eating lunch out was definitely, definitely greater than the saving on the shoes. I know. We always used to go there.

It was so funny. Usually all these little plans and schemes are usually just like false economies, like every time, right? I think it was just a nice trip now. I'm saving five pints on this. And it's like, well, you drove there, idiot. Like, what do you mean you saved? It's crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy. So I was there, I was mostly there because we would drive. is through and I realized there was a Denby outlet there that's like a posse replacing. Breaks to a screeches to a wall. There's a dengue. Reverse. Well, they're closing down and it's not, it's, it's very rustic looking crockery.

And I've not, I need some. Is it like that, is it that brown crockery that's got like a bit of beige that looks like it's, it's kind of like bleeding into it a bit, like, like, yeah. It's very generic. From that 70s show. It's like, it's like, they're shut. and down. Gee, I wonder why.

And so, yeah, I was picking up stuff. I was in the clarks. And what they've got in there in this big shoe shop is they've actually got shelves that are by size. So there's a whole shelf of size eight shoes. And there's all of them on there from the whole shop, basically. So you can just sit there. You don't have to have an assistant.

You don't have to say, oh, can you bring me these at an eight? Or can you bring me these at eight and a half? Well, you've got a sports direct. You don't even get anybody asking. you just, it's like basically all self-served now. That's one of my pet hates to like make a man go in the back and look for a different size of shoe and then wait. Yeah, it's so tedious.

Well, Sports Director just decided we're just going to put everything in the warehouse on the floor. So they just make these mountains of shoe boxes and then you get to go through and look for all of them and you open the box and there's a mismatch of shoes in there and stuff. You just said that. You just said you don't like having to wait. But then they put the shoes out to help yourself and you open. you're sick of that as well.

What do you want? You can't win with this guy. I don't want to have to get them out of the boxes and put them back in the boxes and put the box back on. And also with those boxes, the boxes take so much space that you can hardly fit any. Have you ever opened one of those boxes? And there's like a size 12 Nike Air Jordan AirMax shoe

and then right next to the shoe where the other Nike Air Jordan AirMax shoe is there's like a size three frozen shoe. Like the mismatches are insane sometimes. I've never seen that. Luckily, I have one giant foot and one tiny foot, but someone is trolling. That's a funny joke, though. I think my feet are obviously different sizes.

And so I try like 10 minutes of huge. Obviously. Everyone's feet are slightly different side. Like you're from right to left. Like you're like your eyes. The two feet that one traditionally has, the right and of course the left. Well, I just figured that both of those sides. I just look at my, my personal.

temple of a body and it's symmetry and I just assume that both my feet would be the same size. Fuck me. I am stupid. I am very mismatched. It's like your legs are different lengths. They fucking aren't. What do you mean? I'd be fucking falling over all the damn time if they were different lengths. They are different lengths. It's just very slight. Right. Sips is perfect. Listen, I'm very mismatched. Thank you. Finally. I think, I think my feet are honestly like, I think one foot is an eight and a half, one is a seven and a half. So I really struggled to get anything that like fits me because are the one shoes like a big clown falling off my foot, or the other one's, like, really tight,

and my toes, well, I mean, I'm 46 years old. I go to the store. I buy size 11 shoes, and they both fit. There's no, I don't think there's,

one doesn't feel smaller than the other ever or anything. Like, my thing. But I'm not saying that one of your feet is eight. I guess, both of my feet are the same size. What are you guys talking about here? Well,

exactly, no, but things I need to find my foot twin, who is also a size seven and a half and eight and a other direction. So we can share, if you're listening, um,

please write in. Right. So you're doing, you're doing mix matching at like a, like a shitty level, you know, like I understand a size 11 and a size three being in a box, you know, somebody was in a rush or whatever. But if you're putting like an eight and then an eight and a half in there, geez, I don't know what to say. No, I'm not doing that.

That's just mad. That is mad. That's where the slice. I'm not doing that. I'd have to buy, I'd rather buy both pairs and then throw the, I'm not doing that. the halves away. Oh my God. Really?

But I've never done that. I've never actually done that. And I, but you know, maybe if I continue to be successful in business in this podcast, I'll be able to afford it and be some sort of... Yeah, maybe you can get some fucking foot surgery

off the back of the success of this podcast. That path is where decent, indecency, like, I am, it's a surprising, I was in the hairdresser the other day. And I haven't been to have a hair coat about three months.

And the guy was like, he always says the same thing for me when I go. And he says, oh, it's got a bit long, hasn't it? I'm like, yes. That's why I didn't hear you, you idiot. That's why I've come to the fucking hairdress.

Your entire business relies on the fact that my hair grows. I noticed that everyone around me was on their phones while they were having their haircut. And it was the first time I'd noticed that because I've never done that. I've never been on my phone while having my hair cut. So I, for some reason, either it's coded into me that I couldn't do that or, you know, it was rude in some way or like I just. And I realized that it's actually probably fine. And I guess a lot of people do it. But it just threw me through a loop.

Do you know what I? And it made me feel like am I old? Through you through a loop? Through me? Like a trick. Upper inner loop. Through me? What is it?

What's the expression? Threw me for a loop. I threw me for a loop. Yeah. Through me for a loop. I thought that could be wrong. Shall we do another email? Yeah.

But do you know, am I wrong? Do you guys use your phones in the hairdresser? Email in and let us know. I would say I've never done that. No, I don't. I mean, I do look at my phone. Like, if I'm in public and I'm waiting for something or whatever, but if I'm in, if I'm like being serviced, if you're like, another person, no, I wouldn't have my phone out. No, same. I wouldn't. I think it's just, just kind of right. Live stream. Hey, guys, get my head today. Hey, guys, what's up? Say hi to, um, to, to Barry here who's. Say hi to Gabel my head. He's cutting my hair.

He's cutting my hair today. Getting kind of long, isn't it? Very funny, Gabon. Gabor, do you also have a side of business? Is this breakfast demonology? No, I do not do the breakfast demon thing. You sound a lot like Gazor. It's NASGOR.

Wait, was it NASGOR? Oh, NASGOR. It's easy to get it. NASDAQ. No, it was like, it sounded like, it sounded. NASDAQ. No, it sounded like. a name from like a

rest in blackfast. Wasn't it? Nazal ghoul or something? Yeah, it sounded like a name from like a BBC comedy that was about like an Indian family, you know, like my big Indian family or something. I didn't mean it that way.

That's what it became. That's the first thing I thought when you said the name, but maybe I'm racist. I don't know. That is bad. You can say. Me, categorical. Yeah. I'm joking.

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tryforce to start your free trial now. That's right, Shopify.com slash tryforce. Shopify.com slash Triforce. Do it now! My name is Cass, they, them. I've been a Yognot since the original Minecraft pastry, blah, blah, blah. My question is, men have tiny penises, women have gaping vaginas, but as a non-binary listener, what might I ask, what might I tell you if I ever see you, such that you know the status of what's in my pants?

Might I suggest I have a weird asshole? Yeah. Wow, they actually want to make up their own. Yes. I think that's a good suggestion because everyone's got one. Everyone's going. It doesn't matter which way you go. It doesn't matter which way you go.

You got a butthole. Yeah. And if you don't have a butthole. Well, I don't know. I guess some people don't really have. Who doesn't have one? Some people don't. Some people have non-functioning but holes, but I guess it's still there.

Well, then it's even weirder. That's even weirder. Listen. My butt hole doesn't work. I don't think. I think that could be the two. My butthole doesn't work. There you go.

Yeah. My butt hole doesn't work. Don't add this because now I'm going to have forgotten that and someone's going to come up to me and say my butthole doesn't work. I'm going to be like, what does that mean? That will stick in your mind then. And they're saying, oh, it was the mailbag where you guys chose the non-binary. Back in the day, we said, oh, it would be so funny to hear somebody in public say, I have a tiny penis. But actually, this is like, this is, this is friends.

been quite annoying over the years. And this is even more. Oh, hey, I just want to say my butthole doesn't work. Right. I like it a lot. We're not even quite clear on what it is. No, look, let's put this down. Stop it.

In the same way that the lovely Jessica could sing at the start of her jingle, suck my dick. I think everyone should just say I have a tiny penis girl, boy, whatever, whatever you are, it doesn't matter. Yeah. Like, it's just one thing for all. One fit so all. You can say I have a tiny penis if you're a girl.

You don't have to do the vagina thing. It's fine. Right. Everyone should say they have a tiny piece. I feel like that my butthole doesn't work could fit into a country jingle really well too. Yeah, I like that one. And my butt hole don't work. My truck broke down.

My girl don't have me in my butt hole. It ain't working so good. Doopee do. Exactly. I love that. Yeah. What's of all the chemicals that they put in? A bloody chemicals.

We got a jingle jam apology email from Tom. I'll keep a quick and simple. I would like to apologize. No, I would like to apologize for lying to the Yogscast relating to a donation to the jingle jam around 2013. Did you do the jingle jam in 2013? Yeah, we'd 16 years. There you go.

I wrote a letter saying that I donated to the stream in order to get a Christmas card signed by some members, including Lewis, Simon Duncan. I never donated. I still received the card. I'm sorry. Tom, I'm sure you were younger and more fully. foolish, but you know what you can make up for it by donating to Jingle Jam this year.

That's a nice thing about it. You're going to hell, Tom. But you are going to hell. Well, you will eat nothing but burn the juice. Satan's on his hallibals. He's left me in charge. No. He's got to sit where nice and cold for the summer.

Did I tell you about the barbecue I went to where I had to eat loads of burn stuff. Oh, it's rough. Was it a vegan barbecue and they burned everything? There were vegan things on there. I mean, actually, when we did the Yogs barbecue, Daff put broccoli on the barbecue and it turned it absolutely char black. And then like, said to me, that's perfectly good.

And I was like, well, you fucking. Yeah, there's no, nobody really puts broccoli on a barbecue. I'm surprised that that happened. I had some grilled olives the other day. Right. What? What are people doing? Have we run out of ideas?

Stop. I think people are getting mixed up, you know. They probably watch AI slop all day and they're like, yeah, I'm just going to barbecue my broccoli and grill my olives and stuff. It's like, don't write in about grilled olives people. These things aren't popular for a reason, everybody. Like, somebody tried it a long time ago and it's fucking gross. And so we've just stuck to what works. Yeah.

This is from Josh and Meg. This is a team of an email. me and my wife, that's my wife and I, have listened to all of your episodes to date and have never come across anything that could be interesting enough for a debate on a mailbag episode. However, just today we were watching the Grand Tour, which is I think the Top Gear Show, isn't it? Yeah. As some kind of Clarkson come down after finishing Clarkson's farm season five. Sorry, I don't know why you're apologizing. And we realize that there are some similar personality traits between Yusips and Lewis and Clarkson May and Hammond.

Right. Mm-hmm. Okay. Who is the Clarkson in our tree? This is according to Josh and Meg. I don't agree with this at all. Clarkson, erratic, rebellious, doesn't seem to care what people think. Most similar to you, meaning me,

especially with your most recent comments on Kelly Brook that are teetering on the edge of being cancelled in 2026. What do I say about Kelly Brook? And then she's got a fantastic pair of jugs. What's wrong with that? She made a living out of that. Yeah. She made a living out of that.

I'm sure she fucking knows it as well. She can't act. I can't think of a, I mean, if you made a word cloud of Kelly Brook, it would. Kelly Brooke. Yeah, it's just tits. It would be two, it would be a big pair of tits. I don't do one right now. She was a Kelly,

Word Cloud. Let's see. Okay, Kelly Brook, Word Cloud. Yeah, no, it hasn't come up with anything, actually. Model, actress, presenter, businesswoman. Media and shows, celebrity race across the world this morning. Loose women, heart radio. Has it mentioned tits at all?

No, it does, it has not mentioned tits even once. It's been clean. If you do it with an AI and say, don't forget to mention tits, it's okay. They'll be just tits and huge left Maybe if I do an image search Oh no, it's just bringing back pictures of her Oh yeah And you can see

You can see her gigantic wazoos in every picture actually Of course I mean that's literally how she made her career I think but anyway I'm sure she doesn't give a shit May quiet at times But often led astray by Clarkson

and a good mediator Very much like Sips So apparently I lead you astray And finally Hammond A Goody Tushus Nervous about doing anything Rebellious or controversial but adds a much needed balance to the show and gives calm to the chaos.

Apparently that's you, Lewis. Young. I'm the young one. Yeah, look, I think the trio of those three has been honed and carefully curated to be very entertaining. I will say this. Much like us. He's a great entertainer. And he knows how to make a good show, right?

They always did, all three of them. And I think that dynamic of the, it's very staged. of course, and even more so on the grand tour, hugely staged. And obviously Clarkson's far and very staged. But it is still very watchable telly. It's good. And the dynamic of them is genuine. You can tell like there's elements of their real personalities in there.

You know, the sort of brash kind of assholeness of Clarkson and then the sort of bumbling idiotness of which they lead into with May and then sort of, you know, energetic kind of silly boy. The little child of So you don't agree with this assessment, Flax. I don't think we're comparable

to the Top Gear guys. I've never watched I've never watched that show. I've never watched the Grand Tour or and I didn't watch Top Gear either so I didn't really watch it much very occasionally watched it. The dynamic at all.

I didn't like his stupid anti-bicycle anti-environment fucking bullshit that he still goes on about and now of course he has a farm suddenly he's like, oh it's not raining very much is it? No, I know. Ron, what do you think?

The problem is there's a lot of Trump in Clarkson. Yes. Right? There's a lot of kind of him doing something as a kind of, well, maybe all cyclists should be killed. And then like actually that becoming, starting as a joke, but then becoming his real opinion. Yeah. It's annoying, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. I've never, I've never been a fan of Clarkson. Even though I watch Clarkson's farm, I still don't like him. Like the show itself I thought was, was good because I think, I think most people don't like him. The butt of the jokes, I think, is the thing in the show. So it's things like, for example, I think it's very easy for him, and I think I've said this before when I'm having to go at him in general, is it if anything isn't just sort of, oh, nonsense,

get on with it, he doesn't like it. So do you remember the episode where he's making jam? And Charlie, who's like the most sane person on the show and a fellow Troubald, he is like, what is in this jam? And Clarkson's like, well, he's going to blow him. or whatever. He's like, well, how many? He goes, well, that many. And it's like, well, what else have you got? What's in the lemon juice? What's in the lemon juice?

He's like, well, what's on the back of the pack? He doesn't want to put ingredients. He just wants to call it. McCrocks is the classic. He thinks that everything that gets in the way of him making money is a complete waste of time and a pain in his ass. But the thing is, those regulations exist because

people have fucking died because of that attitude in the past. That's why we have these regulations that people are meant to follow. And yeah, you should be fine if you're not following them either as well. But he's he's such a dickhead. He's a, he's a fucking, he's just a, he's just a classic, I'm a fucking dickhead and I should be able to do whatever I want without anybody stopping me. But all of this stuff exists for a reason. It's so annoying. It's like a bullied husband energy, though. It's like his wife is saying, don't go and don't go, don't go, don't go and, you know,

do that thing. And he's like, why not? Just do it. You just do a thing. You know, is that kind of, and I think it's relatable because of it. And also, yeah, I mean, you're right, he does get, he is the butt of the joke often. But he's always been up for that. Well, yeah, but the thing is, it's all very well being the butt of the joke. But you know when people, what is that thing they say that it, when you can't distinguish satire from reality, it's kind of difficult. Is it even comedy anymore?

Or you just literally saying what people are saying? Like, I think if you think about sometimes the stuff that he says, like when he has a poppet, having to put the ingredients on a fucking thing. that he's just cooking on the stove. Yeah, yeah. And he's like, well, I get it that he's playing a character, but a lot of people are going to be nodding along and saying, yeah, exactly. Yeah.

It's this red tape holding us up. I was like, no. It's that red tape that stopping cockroach anuses being included in your fucking jam. And these people that are like, oh, the fucking nanny state, the fucking you need it. You need to be treated like a child. You act like a child all the fucking time complaining about the nanny state. Fuck me. Like it exists because of you.

in the first place, like if you're so against it, if you, if you let people like Clarkson do exactly what they want forever, we'd all be fucking dead. Like it's, it's so stupid. You know, like, it's crazy to think that people are against things that are actually in their best interest. But again, we come back to this. People will always vote against what's in their best interest because most of them have just, are just drinking the Kool-Aid, right? They just, they, they've decided they, they believe that, you know, all the government's out to get me. Oh, they're stopping me from doing all these things that I want to do. And it's like, fuck off, man.

Again, yeah, it comes back to this same thing with Clarkson where his fans, when he says something really, really bad, they'll say, oh, he's joking. Jermine, that's the fear. It's very easy. It's very easy for you to, all the Trump followers, to say, oh, he was joking about that. Oh, he's just joking about that. You know. Oh, yeah.

And then they say that we're all snowflake cry babies because we didn't get the joke. And we're not in on the joke. Did you see his speech at the White House Correspondence Dinner? They didn't have a comedian this year. They just had a mentalist come up and do some tricks. And then he gave this rambling speech. He gave this rambling speech where he's making jokes. And when it doesn't land, he goes, who wrote that one?

They give me that one. And it's a bad job. And did you get that one? No, what he heard that one? Okay, it's kind of complicated. Like, these aren't jokes. He's just like, that guy's so fat. His stupid fat head.

He's a big fat head on his stupid body. Where was he? I think he was at Lindsay Graham's funeral. And one of his guys was sitting behind him. Oh, the fuck. He gets the fucking stink face. Yeah, my God, you can't fake that either. Like, he looked like he was about to fucking barf.

He really looked like he was on the verge of vomiting over Trump's back. It's so funny. This is the emperor's new clothes. or whatever. People just laugh at his... The emper's dutty diaper is what it is. He's just a farting shitting man. Please change my nappy.

I've soiled myself again. Sit behind me. Get down. I love that clip though. Like you just can't like no actor could ever nail it. Like it's just so funny. This is genuinely it. Like he will he will shit himself and everyone around him will tell him it doesn't smell

to the point where he believes that it doesn't smell. I mean, that's where we are with him. In everything, he's got this proud of... Like, why is everybody decided that this is, this is how we're going to treat this guy. I know, it's so bizarre. Fuck me, he is such a fucking moron. Like, like, find anyone else. Like, just anybody would be better.

It's crazy to me. It's just crazy. I think they're all so scared. All right. Let's, let's lighten it up. Let's lighten it up with some Danish sayings. Okay. And you guys have to guess what this means.

I'll give you the Danish version, then the translation, and then there's the meaning of the phrase, okay? So this one, I'm going to try and get their pronunciation right. Hold on. Suda papagon. Wow. That's got to be some, wait, is this a Danish saying? It's something to do with using pseudocrim.

It's got to be, right? It's nothing to do with pseudacrim. Oh, well, I guess I'm going to guess I'm wrong. It means, so the translation is shoot the parrot. Oh. Okay. Sorry. Which is a thing that you would do.

Shoot the parrot. It's a saying. So a bit like saying, I know, you know, you know, swings a roundabouts. So it's like sayings like that. What does that mean, though? What swings aroundabouts? Well, it means, okay, to be very lucky.

Right. To shoot the parrot. It means to be very lucky. What about this one? To be very lucky to shoot the parrot. Lays it in help pelican. Oh, I know this one. Raise it and help a pelican.

I knew it. I know this thing. To lays it and help a pelican. That means to be very lucky. And helve pelican. Yeah. Blazing hand by my first. My first guess.

It means to blow a half pelican. Oh, blow a half pelican. Oh, holy shit. I'm so close. Which means it's very windy outside. It's blowing half a pelican out there. It's blowing half a pelican, whatever that means. Really windy. All right, here's the next one.

I'm going to let me get the pronunciation if I can for this one. Dar-Aringen-Q-Poh-Eason. Just tell us what these mean because we're, we can't speak Danish. Danish. There is no cow on the ice. There is. Okay. What does that mean?

There is no cow on the ice. It's a bad omen. It's like a bad luck. It's a sign of bad luck. You always have to have a cow on your ice. There are no problems or dangers, the opposite of that. Oh, right. So you'd say, there's no cow on the ice.

Don't worry, there's no cow on the ice. There's no rush to get that cow off the ice. Exactly. It's fine. There's no cow on the ice. We're not panicking about an iced cow. It's all good. This next one is goo agurk.

Now, you could figure this one out. Goo a girk. A girk. Does that mean coming on a pickle? Let's say goo. What word is goo kind of sounds like? Let's go to the shops. Let's go to the home.

It means go. And a girk. Think of something you eat. That maybe starts with the word girk. Go cucumber. You're right. Close. Is what it is in English.

Go cucumber. It was very close. So to go cucumber means. Hang on. Let's guess. To go cucumber means to go crazy. Yes. He's very excited and angry.

Go cucumber. I'm going cucumber for... He's going cucumber for... He's going sicko-sico cucumber mode. He's going cucumber for pickles. Okay, yeah, I like it. Here's another funny sayings one, because we had an email about this a little while back in June.

We asked for this. This lads become a bit of a polyglot and has an interest in saying. So, for example, one of my newer languages is Polish, and I had to get used to their way of saying, I don't care about X. So if he said, I don't care about the TriForus podcast, You'd say, I have X in my ass.

That means you don't care about something. I would care about something if I had it up my ass. I would be very concerned about the fact that it was up there. You would say, I've got Jeremy Clarks, I got Jeremy Clarks in my ass, I guess. What if your butt hole didn't work though and you couldn't really feel it up there? Maybe you'd be different. A common one in Spanish is, I shit in the milk. It's an expression of frustration, like, damn it, or for fuck's sake.

Shit in the milk. These are shit in the milk. Okay, both, okay. We got similar English ones. That is. Shit the bed. It's like a tongue phrase. I shit in the milk.

I do really like, I got joy. I got joy, joy, joy, joy, joy in my ass. I got the trifles podcast in my ass. Today. Today. Today. A much more charming one is, now is the time, green chili, but you to give flavor to the broth. And that's like an encouraging motivational phrase along the line of,

now's your time to shine. How do you say that one? Oh, in Spanish. How do you say that one? I don't know. In German, oh, well, let's see. So in Spanish, I can Google translate this. So hang on. So I'm supposed to say, like, imagine I've got a little child there and they're trying to do like a puzzle or something and they're struggling. I say, now's the time green chili for you to give flavor to the broth. You say, now is the moment or chili vera that that they desabor el cando. Now is the momento that's the momento that's a minute. Really, really catchy. That was really racist, obviously.

That was just me reading. Oh, yeah, the effect of them. Okay, in German, you can say, I understand only train station. I'm vest there near Banhoff, which means you don't understand anything. And that's sausage to me. That's just me a versed, which means you don't care. If you combined with the poles, you could start saying, That's a sausage in my ass to me.

Right. So there you go. Sorry. God, this is a lot of overlapping. Sorry. I didn't mean to be so racist. That's just me a versed. It means that's sausage to me.

It's all sausage to me. That's sausage to me. Yeah. But that means that I don't understand. You don't care. It's just sausage. I don't care. I don't care about sausage.

That's just me a versed. That's just me a versed. I understand your Banhoff. I understand only train station. I understand only train station. Yeah, it means you don't understand any train station. That means doesn't make it. That phrase doesn't make any sense.

Is that why? I think it's, maybe it's some old joke or play on words or something, but if you, because a lot of these sayings, maybe Banhoff sounds like something else in German. I don't know. But the equipment would be... Nor Bernhoff!

No, no. Oh, my God. Please don't click that for a jingle. Any jingles featuring Heil Hitler will be banned. I don't know. Lewis screaming Heil Hitler will not be tolerated in any jingles. No, I just, sometimes it's the thing when you do, read a German phrase, you can't help but do it in this like angry World War II. Yeah, of course.

Yeah. I don't know why that is just the case, though. It's such a beautiful language. And I love this to native German speakers speaking in English. I love their accents. They're so good. Yeah, they've got a great accent. All right, this is, uh, we were talking about porn titles.

You remember we're talking about porn, but like Jurassic pork. Oh, Jurassic pork. Yeah. This is not family. friendly friendly. This one was called Diana Jones and the Temple of Poon. Oh, that's so bad. Thank you, Sam.

I like that one. Diana. Diana Jones. Diana Jones. Yeah, I love it. All right. This is from a bodaciously tiny penis haveer, apparently. My new girlfriend's dad is an insane doomsday prepper.

He was raised a hardcore evangelist known for their yearning for the kingdom of God on earth, aka the end of the world, and suffered a. stroke as a young man. He has now moved to the best place to be in America in case we're nukes, which is, of course, the middle of bum fuck nowhere. He has a large storage container in his backyard full of all kinds of prepper supplies. I haven't even looked through it, but rice, beans, guns, solar panels, fuel, water. He's offered on multiple occasions to make me a go bag, but I don't know how to tell him I have no interest in living in a world where there aren't millions of people who do the jobs I don't want to. If you have any

advice on how I can explain that to him, without looking like the softest push in the world, I would greatly appreciate it. P.S. He believes the ancient Egyptians had electricity. And yeah, he'd be... I feel like if there's somebody like this in your life and they are important to like your partner or whatever, you kind of have to go along with it a little bit. Not to the point where...

Just smile and nod. It gets you very far. There's nothing you can do. You've got to humor this. Like, listen, those... A big bag of rice and some water costs him fuck all. I mean, that cost him like 20 bucks to buy that. And that's filled up his whole shed.

Good for him. And he feels better about it. It's not doing anyone any harm. If it's giving him, like, it's just a cheap therapy for him to have that stuff. Do you mean, don't convince him to try and get rid of it or you don't need it. If he wants to make you a go bag, again, how much is that? A backpack. It's not going to put like a shotgun in there.

Do you mean, it'll be a backpack. Some, you know, at the best, he might give you a silver coin. Do you mean I mean? Like, just go along with you. Like, humor this guy. And just be interested. Especially if your partner's relationship with him is like not terrible. You know, if they get along and stuff, then humor him for sure.

Just you don't have to go crazy. You don't have to spend time with this guy. Don't get dragged into his goal. And don't like, you know, don't take on any jobs for him. And then if it's a relationship between him and his daughter is bad, then you can just cut him off. Just completely cut him off at some point. All right.

This is a, this is from a Lewis. So I felt I had to read this one. out. This will be our last email. Hello, Lewis. We have to stick together. That's what I say every time I meet someone called Lewis. Well, you say that, but it sounds like he's trying to get as far away from you as possible. I believe I am the current world champion for the longest uninterrupted, conscious listening to the TriForce podcast in a single sitting. How?

My record stands at 25 hours. No. Please note, it was never my intention to set this record. Here's how it happened. I am currently sailing around the world. This is a month old email, so congrats on your safe return, I hope, currently sailing around the world on my 34-foot sailboat, razzle-dazzle. I love that name. Nice. A few months ago, it was time for us to cross the Gulf of Carpentaria in Australia, a stretch of water that one Aussie boat accurately described as a nasty bit of water.

To cut along an extremely uncomfortable story short, it was like spending two days inside a washing machine on spin cycle. Then things got worse. Our mechanical wind pilot was destroyed by the waves, followed shortly afterwards by our electrical autopilot, with roughly 250 kilometers, still separating us from the nearest landmass, I took my place at the helm and began hand-steering the boat. Unfortunately, my partner was so seasick they couldn't get off the cabin floor and were completely incapacitated.

At around 6am, I put on the Trifor's podcast and allowed your voice to send me into a trans-like state for the next 24 hours. I sat at the helm while rain, spray, and wind blasted me from every direction, trying to listen to episode after episode as I steered us towards safety. By the time we finally reached the nearest anchorage

at 7 a.m., the following morning, I was hallucinating and could barely speak. We dropped to anchor and I immediately slept for 10 hours. I woke up, ate a large bowl of pastor and then promptly went back to sleep for another 12. On that basis, I am officially self-appointed myself as the reigning Triforce Marathon Champion. Yeah. I will hereby throw down the gauntlet to any listener brave enough to try and beat my record. Near-death experiences are optional, but not recommended. My God. Cheers to Lewis. Oh, I'm glad you made it. Jesus, that sounds insane. Oh, my God. Is this like one of those times where the plane lands full of

bullet holes, right? And they say, look, he listened to the Trival's podcast and he survived. But actually, is it the other way around? It's the other people who were listening to it. They were insane and darked. I think you could be onto something. I think you could well. I'm just saying, I don't think we should take any credit for saving this guy. I love that we put him into like a trans like state. We're so boring that he just like his, most of his brain functions just stopped. If we were any more interesting and sort of, I don't know, threading and inspiring.

He probably would have had too much adrenaline. Imagine if we actually were funny and he started laughing and then lost control of the boat or something, you know what I mean? Luckily, our podcast is as it is. It helped him get through that 25 hours of hell in more ways than one, I would imagine. It's good. Holy shit. I've just stunned that someone was listening to the Trivils podcast in the middle of the Gulf

of Carpentaria. There must just be hundreds and hundreds of hours of us out there. There's got to be by now, right? I mean, every episode is an hour. We're on episode 300 or something. So, like, that's not even, it's like tip of the iceberg 25 hours, nothing. Yeah. Well, he was also conscious the whole time.

So a lot of people listen to us to drift off the sleep, which I find quite sweet, but also a little sad. Listen, I reckon if you don't have the record for the longest continuous listening, you definitely have the record for the longest continuous listening on a boat in the Gulf of Carpentaria. Yeah, agreed. Oh, my God. And in fact, I would be surprised

if anyone else had even listened to the podcast in the Gulf of Carpenteria at all. Yeah, no. And I don't even know if that's how it's pronounced. Gulf of Carpentaria. Could be. Go up to Carphee. Silent across Carpby today.

Yeah, that's it. That's our podcast. That's a great podcast. Remember some things. Breakfast, most important meal of the day. You can now say that you have a, your butthole doesn't work. If you come up to Lewis, you can say that to him.

You'll be a weird butthole. You've got a weird non-functional butthole. I don't need any more people coming out to me and whispering, I got a weird, weird butthole. I want you to say, my tiny gaping asshole is both strange and unyielding, and it doesn't work anymore. That exact phrase to Lewis. Okay.

Every time you see him, please. I am. And loud. Okay. Yeah. Really loud. My butthole doesn't work properly. My hemorrho.

Flaring. How about that? It's a good one, too. Hi, I just want you to know my hemorrhoids are flaring. Mm, my right. Like that. Like, leeroids. Keep the emails, Calvin. Thank you.

Oh, just quick note. Thank you for all the emails about AI. I get it. It's enough. We'll talk about it on the next podcast. Cheers. Goodbye. Bye.