Triforce! - Triforce! #110: Three Dog Centipede

Episode Date: January 15, 2020

Triforce! Episode 110! Your dogs run off in a fick thog. Also you're married to Sips who has his airpods in. What do you do? Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. 2020 Triforce podcast. Welcome back. Hey P-Flex, how you doing? Doing alright. How you doing Sips? Serenity now! I got a Serenity now button for Christmas. I love that.

Frank Costanza. It only makes one sound and that's serenity now so uh i love i love i was thinking about serenity now in the lift yesterday yeah when i was when i was stuck in there and i was like just looking at myself in the mirror just like thinking man do you reckon like okay here you go here's my question about serenity now serenity now is from um seinfeld yeah uh it's obviously written by larry david yeah and very much like the character not not necessarily true by the way a lot of episodes were written by not larry david and jerry seinfeld any show of that length especially american has writers and like the super nazi episode wasn't written by them i think they had a

a really tight net team of writers that they worked with a lot and gave ideas to and experiences to and stuff. Yeah, but I think that sometimes the memorable stuff, some of the some of this, I certainly remember a lot of these moments where you're like, you know, where Larry David is like, being told, Oh, you know, this is unrealistic. This didn't happen. You know, this couldn't ever happen. And then he says, well, this actually happened to me. That's why, you know, it's why it's in here. Yeah. Anyway, I get the impression that like, sort of, you know, Larry David is of the sort of ilk where there were people doing this kind of new age kind of stuff back in the day

where things like Serenity Now is a sort of one way to deal with like stress. You know, I could imagine some guy living on a riverboat like Alan Watts style in, you know, like kind of like Guru to the Stars, you know, in the 90s. And Larry David crossing paths with him and just thinking he's just a fucking really annoying guy.

Yeah. Like who gives that kind of advice. So anyway, now for some reason, I always just sometimes think of that. I mean, the funniest part of it is that he yells yeah like that's that's he he always yells it well because he's so frustrated right like it's like a meant to be a mechanism to calm himself down after he gets like annoyed or or stressed out or whatever but he's always in this like state of like utter fucking you know misery or stress so he has to scream it instead of like just say it he's just about to pop

it's a great moment so yeah it's great if you haven't watched um seinfeld and curb your enthusiasm i recommend yeah big thanks to our sponsors uh seinfeld for today's podcast uh we weren't even gonna do the podcast uh until seinfeld reached out and they were like hey uh we'll sponsor you guys to do one one last one we're like yeah okay sure I mean I'm sure we get the band back together for that thing yeah new thing for 2020 yeah um so so how are you guys doing how you feeling you feeling good in the new year I survived yeah I survived Christmas 2019 I'm happy to say I I took down all my decorations before the 6th of january as well was pretty nice everybody that's good luck everybody got sick over the uh holidays like not not like flu or anything just you know just the usual colds and shit like that so

everybody was feeling like a bit tender and uh i ate way too much over the over the break a couple times i felt like i was actually going to be sick from eating um i wasn't though luckily luckily close yeah very close very close yeah lots of heartburn and just lots of like lots of waking up in the middle of the night with like what felt like a basketball in my stomach like you know like slowly inflating um and making my like do you ever get that i don't know it's like gas buildup or something on top of like the mountain of food that you've eaten it's like it's the worst it's like a volcano i think a lot of vegetables um might like i know you guys eat a

lot of vegetables so i think that when they're uh yeah but when there's a lot of chips and cheese yeah but when they're when they're digesting in your stomach i guess you know there's maybe a lot of uh a lot of vapor and gas gets released. It can happen. Oh, could I just say, it's lovely hearing the bird song. That's nice, yeah. You know, when I'm streaming, people always say, you know, do you live in like a nature trail or a protected parkland? No, I just, there is a...

No, it's just Twickenham. It's just Twickenham. It's just a tree. It's just Twickenham. It's a tree. That's it. But the tree wasn't there when we moved in. And you know the Russian spy house? This is an old Triforce staple that is behind me,

where I have not seen movement for a very long time now. Right. And in fact, their entire rear of their house, which is like one of those extension... You know, it's like they've extended the kitchen out. And's like the the the patio doors with the flat roof above it you know that kind of extension what a coincidence because my entire rear has extended out uh after the holidays as well but is yours covered in trees and bushes like theirs is because you can't see out of their back windows anymore like it's completely covered in plants plants have completely grown up the side i respect that i think privacy is a great thing and i think i think in this day

and age you live really close to people and yeah you know i i think i think i think bush it up i think you know obscure your whole house in a in a wall of bushes and hedges and stuff yeah something's going on here yeah they let weeds grow in the garden to the point where when we first moved in there was no tree and we've been here long enough now there is a tree in their back garden it's still a young tree yeah but there is a tree there's a lot of people get flack for that for letting like too many weeds like grow you know people that like you ever have like a neighbor or somebody on your road who just never like mows their grass there's fucking like like tall grass and weeds and stuff and they're hoarders so like their house is full of shit and stuff yeah and like and and like they don't look like they take very good care of

themselves and stuff like that when you think about it honestly it's it's like the perfect home defense system yeah because you're gonna break into that nobody's gonna fucking home raid you are they like they're gonna see you their front lawn they're gonna be like that looks treacherous i'm not fucking navigating that and then and then only to then get into your house and realize holy crap this place is full of junk like we would we would never find the the the diamond necklace and the rubies in in this it's like finding a needle in a haystack yeah so actually i think it's a big brain play to uh be a hoarder and uh leave your front lawn to get like all shitty honestly it is right these days you get

some estate agent some posh woman she'd be like uh let me show you around this lovely ecologically friendly house that where we have let the front and back gardens go to wilderness area to help the local wildlife. Inside, there is a treasure trove of goodies. There's an escape room. You know, you have to navigate the small tunnels. We've done it to make it feel big. Feel big, you know, but it's

actually... Watch out for the foot traps. If you wish to see the back garden, we will need to prepare an expedition. Now, there are local guides available, but we do not have the provisions to make it to the bottom of the back garden. I could see their cogs in their heads turning. Oh, man. Fucking hell, a streamer probably lives there.

I mean, when I had a back garden, I never fucking did anything with it. Just let it go messy. No, this is not just messy. This is literally wild land. You know, like, girl streamers? I'm not being sexist or anything. Yeah, I think you are by just calling them girl streamers. Okay, girl streamers.

Some guys as well, okay? But girl streamers some guys as well okay but girl streamers especially i find because like you can imagine you know like you get a shot of like their if they have a webcam but no green screen you can see like the room that they're in and stuff and like it's always like nicely lit and decorated and there's like oh yeah that's quite true and you can like see part of their bed sometimes and stuff and you imagine it like smells really nice in there and stuff. And it just looks like a nice, just looks like a nice place, right? Fuck, it'd be so funny if like, if you went to their house and the rest of their house is just like fucking disaster.

Like there's just like all this, like a fucking ring of junk. Just off camera. And there's just this cleared away space just for the webcam but the rest of the place is just like this fucking there's like fucking dirty ass dishes with like you know like dried up ketchup on them my office cigarette butts like in the armrest their couch and stuff and like i've got two old cups of tea a plate from yesterday a couple of empty cans of cider and a load of boxes for things that I opened and I've still got the boxes, because that's a very dad thing to do, I think,

is you open something, oh, don't throw the box away. I don't know why I have that impulse now. Oh my God, why do you have that impulse? To keep the box. I don't know. I have the boxes. Like, I bought a...

Mrs. F got me a Fitbit for, like... I say she got me. She bought it on my account, so she fucking... I actually paid for this, goddammit. Because it's handy for keeping track of my heart rate and that's like uh helps me calm down a bit because I tend to panic about my heart quite often if I can feel it beating at all I'm like oh my god I'm having a heart attack and then I look and I'm like oh wait I've got 78 bpm which

is like in the chill zone right so yeah it's weird but it's actually helped me a lot um and I quite like seeing how few steps I do every day. Yeah, you're trying to break the reverse world record for like... I might break 50 steps today. Yeah, the battery life on this thing is incredible. It barely has to work. Well, you'll get good value out of it because the amount of exercise you do is minimal.

So it never really has to work over time. See, I think it should measure like wrist actions and then count the calories because it doesn't i mean mine's like turbo like holy crap i'd be like a fucking weight lifter like like a heavyweight champion of the world i thought you meant it would measure me uh it was going to measure something else that's why masturbating beep beep beep wank alert oh my fit bitch says i've got to stop tugging it quite so much. Man, wouldn't you hate to just stop masturbating? Like, God, that would be miserable.

So welcome back, everyone. I read a story this morning on the news. I thought I should tell you this news because I read it. It was interesting. Is it about that plane crash, the one that crashed in the Ukrainian Airlines one that I think was shot down? I think it was shot it's much more uplifting uh the family of a pair of miniature schnauzers were distraught when their dogs disappeared in thick fog while on a walk in the hills okay they thought they would never see charlie and theo again right okay maybe they they ran away because they hated their names.

Okay. Like, maybe they... They launched a rescue campaign. Okay. And contacted mountain rescue teams, friends, and family. Of course they did. More than 120 people and two drones answered the call. Right.

Answered the call. I like how... They called arms. Two drones. it's like it's like your cue is popped waiting for battlegrounds in world of warcraft or something two drones have queued for the battle and uh five five housewives one grandpappy It's a real mixed bag of fucking local fuckers. After 96 hours of searching, as a last resort, the family decided to return to the spot where the dogs were last seen

and cook sausages. Okay? Right. They camped out overnight, calling the names of the dogs, and in the morning, they were shocked and thrilled when, to the smell of sausages, and in the morning they were shocked and thrilled when to the smell of sausages their beloved pets appeared right when when they first appeared it was like a mirage i couldn't believe it was them said mrs hannison did they just emerge from the mist that they were that they

were uh previously uh consumed by and lost it from the fog i'm surprised they didn't have like tentacles coming out of them more like what if they were? What if they weren't the original yeah? Yeah, they came back. We're so pleased to see them, but after a week we noticed very very Strange behavioral changes in the dogs they can only be sated by the consumption of fresh blood yes preferably from a virgin from a virgin. I don't use them. Still, their household, we love them. Routinely stand up and stare at me in the night when I'd wake up in the middle of the night.

They had the power of flight and the ability to control what they do with their minds. Their eyes glow mysteriously. I don't know if that's an uplifting story at all, actually. I don't feel uplifted by that. I haven't finished yet. My husband ran up the hill to grab them as I was just shaking and crying.

I could not function. Right. I'm angry now. The dogs are so gorgeous. They are part of our family. It would be horrible not to have them around. They absolutely love sausages. They have them every Sunday for breakfast.

So there was one food they were going to come back for. It was sausages. Now, I just love this story. Okay. Right. First of all, just i love it's so british right first of all yeah they're so attached to these dogs that they get 120 people involved plus two drones yeah and camp out where they were last seen if you're ever wondering what

your average tory voter looks like that story like uh encapsulates that's them oh my gosh that is anyway you know i've seen a bunch of these things where some guy has gone on holiday or to France or whatever, his kid's gone missing. And 20 years later, he's still looking for his kid, right? Because he's like, he's obsessed with it. He can't, he can't kick that bucket, you know, and his life's gone to shit because of it. That's, I can understand that. But when it's like your puppies, like, I think, I guess people these days are so attached to their pets in the same way as their children. It's crazy. And I do get it. I'm just, I'm just, just the level of effort here, like 96 hours of camping. When were they going to stop? You know, when was enough? Until they found the mangled remains of their dogs and went on a further adventure to track down a bear that is loose in the English wilderness.

I got into an argument on Twitter a few months back where, you know the way those people on Twitter post a thread? They always do this. Thread. It's okay to do blah. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Blah, blah, blah. And there'll be loads of people going, yeah, woo.

And I'm like, I didn't, like, everybody knows that. Like, you don't need to make like a bold statement it's okay to not eat shit for breakfast it's fine don't anyone tell you you've got to eat the poop sandwich at breakfast or lunchtime or dinner time and everyone's like yes yes sister we got that but and i just ignore those but then sometimes there's one saying how dare you tell me that your kids are more important than my pets? And I was like, they clearly are. Like, I'm sorry, but they are definitely more. Your pets are not as important as children.

Yeah, well, your pets aren't going to contribute to the future of the human race. We're raising the next generation of people who are going to take care of all of our old asses and push the human race forward. are going to take care of all of our old asses and push the human race forward your pet is going to wipe his ass on the carpet eat all of your food and then die after like 15 years so let me ask you a question if someone had a gun and said i'm gonna shoot this dog or i'm gonna shoot you you choose yeah is anyone gonna say take my life yeah of course they are nowadays fucking everybody yeah everybody would have to be insane you would have to be insane to do that. I couldn't live with myself if I let that dog die. And here's another question for you.

If you had kids, would you ever, ever choose the dog over your kids if there was the same situation? No. So there's clearly a rank. There's a pecking order. And the dog is worth less than a human being. I'm sorry, dog lovers. I'm sorry, cat lovers.

I don't think any of them will disagree with you, but I think they think that the pecking order is very, very close. Do you know what I mean? It's only a fraction of a millimetre. No, this person was like,

no, you can't tell me that. I love my dog the same way you love your kids. I was like, no, you don't. Like, I've had kids and pets. And believe me, it's not even close. I don't wake up in the night

terrified about the thought that something will happen to my dog. But I do wake night terrified about the thought that something will happen to my dog but i do wake up terrified and i thought something will happen to my kids poor captain fluffy i hope he's okay oh god what if he can't find his favorite chew toy i'm sorry it's not even close it's it i mean it's one of those things it's it's something that that the internet will uh have a war about till the end of time because some people some people who don't have kids or or can't have kids or whatever they'll they'll make up for that by having pets and thinking it's the same thing and i understand that i get it and then people who have kids think that they're better than everybody

else because it's hard to have kids and they've had to go through some better i just think it's stupid to say that you understand the experience of being a parent because you have a cat yeah like i'm sorry but you really do have a problem if you think that you can relate in any way like i it's one of the worst conversations you have as a parent and i'm not one of those parents that goes around banging on about my kids all the time oh it's so hard and lecturing people and making out like you're worth less to me because you haven't got kids I don't give a shit like I I don't I have plenty of friends who don't have kids and I don't think less of them I don't think I'm a better human being nothing but if they say honestly if they say with with a hand on their heart yes no I absolutely love my cat in the

same way that you love your kids I'm sorry but and you you cannot it's impossible and you you if you have kids and then can still say that then i think you're insane so it doesn't work either way if you haven't ever had kids you don't know what it's like if you do have kids and you still say yeah the order of love in my family goes little timmy little tina and then mr fluffles mr fluffles is number one love him more than anything i'm like you're a fucking crazy person it's impossible i think for people who don't have kids yeah i've chosen not to have kids for whatever reason um their their animals are their kids and they absolutely they are they are and those are the people like i mean in the in in some of those cases i can understand that like if there's just no possibility of having children,

but having that, those mothering or fathering or parental, I should say, instincts and wanting to like have something that you can pour that love into sort of thing. Sure. Yeah, I understand it, but it's still not the same thing. I get what you're saying as well. I think what happens is that gets deflected onto you though because you're then supposed to treat your pets the same way they

treat their pet kids we obviously live in this age of humanism where you know the the human is the the big priority in our society you know at the expense of everything else at the expense of the planet at the expense of you know the billion the expense of, you know, the billion chickens, or 20 billion chickens, or how many we eat every year. It's insane. I eat a billion myself. Flax ate that many just over the last two weeks.

I watched this documentary on Netflix that I'd been told not to watch by a bunch of people. Everyone was like, don't watch it, it's really upsetting. And I was like, okay, I won't. And so I didn't. And then like a week ago, I was like, actually, why am I not? Since when did I not watch something based on someone telling me?

Okay, the only other thing I haven't watched is The Human Centipede. Do you know what I mean? Oh, don't watch that. I kind of, do you know what I mean? But that feels like stand-up. It's just terrible. I haven't even heard of The Human Centipede. What is it?

It's a movie about where. You know, you're joking. No, I't even heard of this human centipede. What is it? It's a movie about... You know, you're joking. No, I've never heard of it. I mean, well, explain it to me. You've heard of it. I might have, but it doesn't ring any bells right now. So the human centipede is a horror movie. Let's see if he can guess, P-Flash, what it's about.

All right. It's a horror movie. Tell me the plot of the human centipede, Sips. Go. All right. tell me the plot of the human centipede sips go all right it's uh so a man starts rolling down a hill and uh gathers other men that stick to him into a big he's not a human pill bug or a human snowball all right what what if what if i told you that the human centipede is the result of an experiment by an evil scientist right so it's kind of like the fly but uh it's a man

who has fucking a million legs and and crawls around under your skirting boards i'd love to watch all of these i love that so i'm going to give you more detail until you get the point all right what if i told you that more than one person is involved in this experiment right so okay so it's like that episode of simpsons with lisa's petri dish and there's like a little world like inside and like the so this man can make like uh people into like uh what look like little insects and he can make them like go through mazes and stuff all right what if it was less sci-fi than that and was more the sort of surgery you would see in say a garage right so it's kind of like a frankenstein but uh with insect parts instead of uh like bolts and no insects involved no

insects are involved it doesn't have anything to do whatsoever with centipedes only vaguely is he is he attaching multiple people together? Yes! Oh, wow. By mouth to ass. Okay, mouth to ass. Now we're talking. This sounds great. So the person at the front has the only mouth that's not attached to an ass. Is this an adult horror film?

No, it's for the kids. Very much. Absolutely for the kids. Oh, it's not a sexy one. There's no sex in it whatsoever? It's not a sexy one. There's no sex in it whatsoever? It's not a sexy one, no. I mean, unless you're really, really into shitting in people's mouths. That had never even crossed my mind.

But actually, now you mention it, that makes so much sense. Yeah, I mean, I've been watching a lot of ass to mouth recently. So I think that would fit in with like my my recent but it would be consumption of media ass to mouth to ass to mouth nice that would be because it's a three person center oh it's only three all right so i see i might i envisioned like hundreds of people like in this no just three right well the nutrition gets less and less and they can't make it that far yeah that's part of the experiment he did it with his three dogs first of all centipeded them he petered them all right so he was so the idea is that they so that so one so

the food goes in one one side and then makes its way down the chain but obviously the last guy gets like the worst fucking deal so what does he do just sew their mouths to like the yeah yeah yeah okay stitches them up so they come around from the surgery and they're stitched to the other guy's ass i'd be coming around too geez that's there's a dude there's a dude and then a girl in the middle and then a dude at the back right i think and the guy at the front was like he has to eat because he's starving so he feels the poop coming he's like i'm really sorry i'm so sorry like apologizing it's hard it is horrible it's all yeah that's that's alarming that's a genuinely awful idea something to consider just genuinely bad but on the other

hand this this movie i watched is called don't fuck with cats it's like a documentary i heard about that one yeah i've heard about that watch a lot of this stuff i watch a lot of like murder mysteries and sort of stuff of detectivey stuff and how people got caught and this is like an internet Sleuthing thing right that like and the person that they caught was active on the on the internet as well Yes, so this guy had been like posting videos about him sort of hurting cats Some of them obviously there's some some little bit of footage of some of them and it's quite unpleasant Obviously because no one wants to see a little cat being hurt or whatever but um at the same time we routinely just watch you know humans kill each other and chop each other up and do all sorts of horrible stuff to each other

don't we like every centipede themselves and and some cats see that on tv and then they go out and hurt other cats right stop cat this is the big Thank you. 2020, that's going to be our Triforce campaign. Yeah. Stop cat on cat violence. Anyway, I didn't think it was all that bad, actually. But what it did make me realize was a little bit of my vegetarian, vegan-y trigger.

I was triggered, right? From the point of view of just being... I was kind of angry because people were so uptight about little cats being hurt, but they don't give a shit about stuffing their gobs full of like really cheaply made meat. Well, no,

but I mean, nobody sees the, nobody really sees or chooses to see the process of that, but like actual, like, um, like a slaughterhouse is, is, is like a, an abuse of like, of that but like actual like um like a slaughterhouse is is is like a an abuse of like obviously but like this is this is somebody who's showing signs of being like a

sociopath which is uh which is very alarming as well yeah i mean he clearly was see that from a mile away and think okay well next thing he'll be fucking like you know make it getting worse gunning people down in the shopping mall or something absolutely you know what i mean i mean like obviously obviously killing humans is also a warning sign that you're a psychopath of course but killing cats is like the prerequisite for that and it feels like but it feels like cruelty and casual animal cruelty is this thing which is just part of our world like pet pet shops, you know, are still a thing. And puppy farms and all of these things, you know, cheaply sourced and smuggled in pets and animals. People don't care about people.

People are not looking after their pets properly. People don't care about people. It's easy to be sympathetic for a mistreated animal because animals are innocent by their nature. They don't act with malice. Well, not many of them do. My fucking cat sometimes does but you know generally speaking they're very chill and they're they live for survival and instinct

and you don't think that they're plotting to really fuck people over they don't get they don't have the same evil in them that people do they have a more natural like there's nothing evil when a bigger bird eats a smaller bird it's just doing what it does yeah i think that was the argument that's given to me as well and also that you know cats are our pets we don't eat cats they're they're they're separate and maybe because they're malicious and evil and thoughtful and well some i think some countries eat cats yeah they do in china for sure you see them in the if you go to the street markets especially in sort of more rural china you'll see them just hanging up like uh like you know when you get if you've ever been to chinatown you walk around you'll see in the window they hang loads of ducks right they do in in some parts of china you'll see cats instead they're like skinned

and cooked or ready to cook look at their attitude towards animals is even worse than anything you just eat anything they'll fucking eat anything i mean you know but that comes from their history yeah the history of like there's been starvation in china for fucking such a long time that yeah cat's fucking delicious when you starve it and then it becomes a thing you know yeah even if you're centipeded up you'd still you're starving you'd eat like you peed it up peed it up man what if you were centipeded to a cat's ass uh like i i wouldn't want it i would not want to eat cat shit like Kill me. I think cat shit is worse than... I've seen the shit. Well, then again, a dog's ass is pretty bad. Honestly, I've been picking up dog poop for the last two months.

It's gross. Because now we've got our dog, right? And I could eat that. It's not too bad. It's fine. No, it's disgusting. But it's like, I don't know why I find it more objectionable than the shit that came out of my kids like the shit that came out of my kids was way more disgusting especially when they were little babies it was fucking gross and sometimes it's all up there yeah fucking everywhere you gotta

get them in the shower and clean shit up and they're sick everywhere and everything it's like oh but you just kind of get on with it but with a dog or a cat you're like even though it's just there you just pick it up a little bag in the bin no problem yeah but it grosses me out the smell is much worse than human shit there must be some big uh psychological thing it's dangerous too like you know people with dogs when they walk them in the park and stuff and they shit like even if they pick the shit up if there's like a smear of shit left over i'm sorry everyone that could be really dangerous like if a kid fucking lands in it or something the kid's eyes or something if it ever gets in a kid's eyes yeah there's like a little you got to be really careful yeah there's all sorts of shit like

and cat cat shit especially is very very dangerous very toxic yeah you can get toxoplasmosis yeah that is according to my sources aka the movie train spotting right then yeah it's it's real bad sorry about this everyone i was thinking it was gonna be a nice what are you apologizing for they know what they came here for they know what they came here for this is what it is i didn't do anything i haven't done anything for weeks like i've just been sitting around like doing dad's i got a real tree this year for christmas though i didn't bring down the artificial tree i was too lazy to get it out of the attic. So you drove across to a Christmas tree place?

No, I just went to fucking B&Q. They just had them there. Oh, right. We got one from my kid's school. It has like a tree sale to raise money for the school and stuff. But we only got a small one because we had to raise it up. Because of the puppy, we can't have it on the ground. So we had to put it on like a little thing so that she couldn't get to it because she's fucking any anything like we

walk when i'm walking the kids to school bring the dog she loves to say hello to all the other kids at the school and all the other dogs on the walk and she you know she does a poo and all the rest of it and you know that you've got to take them for a walk in the morning but if she sees anything on the ground she's picking that up and she's carrying it with her until i get her to drop it so if she sees a stick that's like a mile long she's picking that up she's trying to carry it along if she sees like a cigarette butt she's picking that up and you gotta open her mouth and drag it out she found an old sock and she fucking ran ahead like she's on the lead lead is maximum she like runs and grabs this sock and she's trying to make a break for it like this is like the best find she's ever had on this walk is holy shit

because every time i'm unloading the tumble dryer now she's waiting for me to drop a sock and she'll grab it and run off to the other side of the room and hide under the sofa she's just chewing on this sock even though she has a million chew toys yeah do you reckon it's like fucking when everything's new when you're like a little kid or a baby you know you take like your kid to the zoo

or whatever and you know there's like a lion and a giraffe and all this shit but all they're interested in is like the pepper pig ride at the entrance

or the or the fucking or the digger in the street outside or the guy with the pneumatic hammer or whatever yeah

that's what it's like because everything's new, right? But actually, the animals and stuff, they've already seen those all in the books. They're boring. They're already boring. Can't put it in your mouth. Who cares?

That's pretty much the way kids think of things. Because your dog's quite young, right? So everything's new. Do you reckon she's going to get over the sock thing? Or is that going to be like a... No, no. I don't think dogs ever do. I think they're just like

like the sign of a sociopath as well no she's just simple yeah i think i think that's it i think they are just simple they don't really progress past a certain point you can train them and stuff like that but like uh usually usually like however they are as like personality wise doesn't change much like their hat you know like i had a dog and like he's fucking always always always looking for food like that like just instinctively that's all they do right so like if if he had some sense that like some food was being prepared or or something he would just be sitting there waiting for something to fall on the ground even if it was like scalding hot he'd be like crying writing like fucking burning hot dogs that fell on the ground. Even if it was like scalding hot, he'd be like crying, eating, like fucking burning hot dogs

that fell on the floor or something. Like, you know what I mean? It's just, they're crazy. They're crazy. Anyway, imagine like, so let's just make a story, right? You and P-Flax have moved in together. Okay, we're gonna make it.

We're making a story now. Nice, okay. We've moved in together. It's in a parallel world. You two have moved in together. An evil scientist has sewed Flax's mouth to my asshole no whoa i don't want to be so dear now he's looking for a third person to get involved so he finds lewis uh he he beckons lewis over to his house of promise of uh riveting discussions on alchemy or for whatever So Lewis of course says, yeah, great.

Oh, fuck. Okay, no, sure. I've invited you two in and no. Which one's going to be the front? No. So you two have moved in together. You're living together in a town called Buttermere in Cumbria and you've taken your lovely dog, your lovely doggo

out. Charlie and Theo. Are we a couple? You're a couple, yeah. You've taken your dog. So S Charlie and Theo are we are we a couple you're a couple yeah you've taken your dog so Sips and I are lovers no kids

yeah are we willing to spend 96 hours doing a a wait around for the dogs after they go missing well this is what

I'm going to ask I'll do anything that my husband Sips wants to do you're going out for a walk with your lovely pooch what's the name

of your pooch Agnes what a name the name of my gran my my 96 year old gran see it comes around it comes around it comes around apparently the name headley headley is becoming popular again as well that's like a deadly head that's a real 1920s name i wanted a human name i think it's funnier and it's just better than i i think it's demeaning to call a dog Mr. Fluffles. Man, it's 2020. You should have just called her Steve.

Or Dave. Well, it's Agnes. Also, it's appropriate because she's my nan's name. Because she's so wrinkly. She looks a bit like my nan. Yeah, she is very wrinkly. Just like your nan. Anyway, so you're out on Red Pike pike which is like a little more i guess in

near cumbria right that's a thick fog okay and agnes she scampers away from you it's chasing a sock she smells a sock disappears into the fog what's happening what are you doing give me your reactions i'm calling aggie aggie and if she doesn't come back i get one of the kids i say go up the hill and see if you can find aggie well sips is I've got my uh my Fitbit also you don't have any I've got my wireless air pods uh and I'm listening to um I don't know uh Gucci gang yeah Gucci gang really loud so I haven't noticed that anything so he's busy I'm waving my arms at Sips oh he never listens I'm vibing out on my device. All right, so the dog ran up the hill into the fog? Yeah, well, it ran into the fog. You don't even know that.

How big is this hill? Quite big, yeah. How thick is the fog? Well, sometimes they call that mountain rescue. Thog's very thick. Thick fog. The thog is thick. Thog with the thick.

You can taste it. Am I thinking, or am I thinking, that if I went into this fog, I would get lost? Would I get lost in the fog? Oh, yeah. You'd be lost like the dog as well, and then we'd have to lure you back. What if you entered the fog and emerged on the other side, and there you were?

You found yourself in Narnia all of a sudden. Oh, wow. Fuck, there's a lion there. And you're like, boring. Body diggers. Do you guys do any ass to mouth here? Or can I just leave? It goes back into the fog.

I need to get back home. We call the dog a load and try and get some food and tempt her back. If she doesn't come back after, like, I don't know, I'd give it a good few hours. I'd hope for the fog to clear. Right. If it doesn't clear it's like shit we got to go home it's done the dog's gone i mean that's it we've lost the dog and then i guess we'd go home no come back the next day try and find her bring some extra treats that she likes and stuff

i think most people that have dogs are well versed in different types of bacon right like you bring bacon treats with you and stuff everywhere you go when you have a dog you bring stuff with you so in my backpack yeah in my backpack i just have some strips of bacon so we can light a campfire cook up that bacon dog will be back in two seconds just like the sausage people did that's a good idea the smell of food now you know how to lure back now you know how to get them back you know you just gotta have the right it's like steve with survival tips or whatever or fucking who's that guy who goes out and eats shit yeah him see he's like i'm not even saying the name of the other so-called survival expert because he he shall not be named here ray mears not the only one he who shall not be named but he grubs out of a fucking log yeah but makes

makes a mockery of the idea of proper survival and wilderness i will not speak his name are these guys all like fx like sas or royal marines no ray mares is just a lad who has studied right okay he can build a canoe out of like a fucking tampon and everything and the dude's fucking because i i've been watching um my wife started watching this like um you know the one that was on channel four the sas one who dares windsor yeah that the one yeah the one where like they start with like 25 people and they whittle it down to like because it has like a low acceptance rate or whatever it's pretty interesting actually dropout rate for the sas is the highest of any special forces in the world. Yeah, it looks nuts, though.

I mean, fuck, they've got to do a lot of hiking and stuff. After one hike, I'd be like, you know what? This isn't for me. I wanted to infiltrate bases, not go on hikes. He's disappeared into the fog. So get the vegan sausages and start cooking them. He'll come right back. Open the Mountain Dew.

For my human centipede. Stop sprinkling Cheeto dust on the rocks. He'll be back in no time. Oh, fucking hell. Just blowing like magic orange dust into the wind. Just emerge from the fog. Anybody's got some Cheetos? I remember fucking SAS.

Seriously, because when I was in cadets, there was one camp that we were every year, which was the SAS camp. And it was like the one which everyone was terrified of because we were like a load of 15, 16-year-old nerds. Where was it? Where did you go? Because we used to go to an army camp near Minehead.

Because I was also in the cadets' school. We had three sections. You know, the Army, Navy, army navy air force they were all three there was a lot of kids in it yeah we we only had one combined um force but i remember sas camp being an absolute just a hellish weekend did you have um cs gas training like training We had that at army camp. So we went in with the gas masks on in the room. They filled it with tear gas. And we had to drink some water through a little tube that comes out of the gas mask to show that you don't have to take the gas mask off to have a drink.

Then we had to lift up our gas mask, eat a crisp, and put the mask back on to show that you could hold your breath and eat a crisp and then put the mask back on and be all right. Standard training. What kind of crisp was it? It was just a ready-sewed crisp and then at the end we all had to line up in the room they open the door and then you take your mask off you have to say your name your rank and like um what school you go to and then they let you out and when the moment the oxygen hits your face cadet 114 do i get my crisp now once the oxygen hits your face that's it that's your ass

you're it was horrible i never did i i was in um i never went to scouts but i did uh cubs cub like the one before scouts you know he had like beavers yeah yeah so i was in cubs and cubs he had like he had these like fucking stupid ass long sleeve like tight shirts i don't know if you remember the yeah they were tight right and then you'd and then like you put those you'd have to fucking sew those stupid ass badges on the sleeve and and on your scarf i can tell you really loved it oh man the stupid fucking shirt on you know what you know what it was like it was like world of warcraft is now right like you you log in and you play like lewis lewis knows what i'm talking about because he complains about this all the time you log in and there's some fucking track

pant wearing sweat lord with his fucking all of his achievements and his fucking achievement armors and mounts and stuff and there there you are with like fucking the vanilla like clown gear no achievements nothing you can't even like see how you how do you get to the point where he has got to that standard yeah how has he got like 69 badges and you just know that he goes home and his parents love him and stuff and you and then meanwhile you're just like oh fuck i don't have any badges it's not it's not this right his parents clearly love him obviously but like i think the. But I think the way it is, it's a little bit like not playing World of Warcraft.

It's like playing Fallout Shelter or something where you've got your character and the parents are playing the kid's character, right? They're like, the kid is our character. Because they're the ones sewing the fucking badges on and forcing him to do stuff and reading the manual and all the shit. Because Cubs are like seven years old.

No, they're not. That's the fucking be bucking bee there was like the easy ones right like sewing helping your grandma across the road and stuff like there were badges like for like easy stuff but like eight and ten these guys always had like the fucking like outlandish ones like you know fucking go to disney world in florida okay fine you win you've got the badge for that one i've never been like you know what i mean like it was always some dumb shit like that you know like it was always something like you know you fucking badge master would turn up and he'd have his box called fucking painted perfectly and he'd have a million badges and his stupid fucking scarf was covered in badges and stuff

and his dad you know for someone who hates it you sure are jealous of all those his dad was like a volunteer you know they all the fucking people like the the scout masters or wherever you call them had those fucking stupid jungle book names and stuff okay yeah and like and i was just at the back smoking and you know fucking like you know trying to pick up at nine but there's no girls there yeah i was like nine cool for this shit i don't even want a badge i got this smoker's badge look and i got the fucking pussy slayer badge on this i remember one week i was like okay yeah i'm gonna i'm gonna really work hard gets a badge i got like six badges and i was like oh fuck awesome okay like i'm starting my collection of badges here and then i turned up

and there's like this guy that had like fucking like 75 badges and i was like oh well fuck this like i'm done i was i was the fucking head cub of my country this the senior six you were the fucking badge master i was the badge guy jesus i was the best i had a lot of badges i went to cubs every week because the because the church right that we had that had it in like all churches is actually just a fucking disgusting front for badge collecting for badging right they make out oh yeah we let the c cubs use our hall for free because we're good. But if you want to keep that hall, you better turn up at church on Sunday. Yeah.

Because that's all they fucking care about, right? Is squeezing people into their church because that'll fool their omnipotent God. He'll suddenly think, oh, this church is very popular. Like he's some senile old man who's up there just sort of barely in charge of his own bladder let alone you know the universe everything so god is going to be fooled when you drag a bunch of kids reluctantly to church and plonk them in the back row god's fooled we've got a full church here god look at all these happy kids looking at their watches and desperate to go and now we will sing hymn number 114 hail thou 1-1-4. Hail thou. Won't sellotape one's ass to another man's mouth. I got the badge for that.

The Lord said thou shalt not pee. I guess what badge I got this weekend, guys. I made a human centipede with my dad and my brother. I was sewing badges on and I thought, hey, what if I stitched his mouth to my asshole? And then I got a friend of his and stitched his mouth. And you know what? I got another badge for shitting in his mouth and i got another badge for you know fuck off with your badge when i when i sewed the badge to my sleeve i ate it and then shattered it in his mouth he pulled it out sewed

it in his arm ate it shattered it in the other guy's mouth he pulled it out sewed it on that shitty badge yep that's that's Cub Scouts for you. Gross. Holy shit. But so, yeah, because I went every Sunday. My mom was like, we got at church on Sunday. I was like, I don't want to go. She was like, you got to go.

We can't let the Cubs down. I was like, can't let the Cubs down. I swore. I swore a promise, an oath. Man, so did you both regularly attend church as a kid? Yeah, yeah. Every Sunday? Every Sunday for like years. Fuck, yeah, me too i never

did my my mom and dad took me to church like maybe twice i think and that was it my mom is not religious you are you should let god she's an atheist she is an atheist but we went to church to support the cub scouts and then when i was when i was younger a lot of my my friends were religious they had all kinds of cool youth groups they'd go to with the church so i would go to church because if you went to the church enough times you could go to the youth group and all the rest it's all a con see it's all just a fucking con i tried to take my kids to church like recently like maybe two years ago or something and fuck they hated it like it was just like we can't go again like the first time we were like we're gonna go to church and they're like all right like sunday school that's why they have sunday school for the kids why did you go

like a fun activity day well we just well it was like more like a community thing you know like we there was like they were doing this thing for like around um it was i think it was like two years ago it was like kind of like like autumn and they they were doing like a like a like kind of like a food drive and they they did like harvest festival yeah a like kind of like a food drive and they they did like harvest festival yeah harvest festival that's the one yeah so we're like okay cool like we've got like a bunch of like food and we'll get some more more stuff and and let's take it and like it might be fun for the kids there might be stuff for them to do there and then they can see what it's like to like sit in on a like you know mass or whatever they had and stuff and um

ah fuck me they hated it like they just it was just too boring i think like well no i mean it is it's like this ritualized weird thing for adults and it's supposed to be so it's a different thing for everyone it's for people who have real problems the kids don't have problems like the kids don't want to think ask us divine power to pray for their injured joints me and my wife we don't really have problems either actually the only problem we had was that we decided to go to church that one time and that was a bit of a problem so so so yeah i mean i used to go to sunday school which was like held in a little sort of shack next to the next to the church and you know it was fine it was just like an activity thing to do in the mornings you'd meet

a different crowd of people you'd be taught god stuff and it wasn't too too bad like i remember though have i ever told you about my santa theory about this i probably have i found out that santa wasn't real about the same time i was able i realized that god probably wasn't real too right like there was like at the same at the very day what a day that is by the way the day i became a whammy i looked down i noticed one hair on my balls at the time as well so obviously i found out this wasn't real and i don't know how old i was probably about seven or eight or something like this. And I then obviously went to Sunday school and it was still very fresh in my mind. OK, like, you know, I was like very shocked that this Santa lie that I'd been fed for a long time. And there were all these guys trying to teach me about Jesus.

And at that point, I was just like, and God and stuff. And this sort of man with a beard who had a lot of parallels to Santa. I mean, he looked he's like an old gray beardbearded wise man there's no evidence that he ever existed he somehow got all these crazy magical powers like being able to go to everyone's house and deliver all the presents where did he get them from i don't know even at that age i was questioning santa i was like how does santa operate and they're just like oh it's magic and obviously i was aware that magic wasn't real it was all trickery and and and not real um and so i also like i linked that to god and i was like well look if god is an old bearded man and he's magic he's clearly not real either and and i i wonder whether the rise of santa has caused the

downfall of people believing in god is that, God doesn't visit your house every year and give you all of the junk that you've ever wanted. No, but he knows if you've been naughty and he knows if you've been good. Which is a very God-like thing to do. I think that's a very interesting theory, Lewis. I think appeasing Santa yearly is more achievable than a lifetime of appeasing God.

You know what I mean? Listen, to appease God, you could do whatever the fuck you want. You just have to go and tell a priest. That's not true. You know what I mean? Listen, to appease God, you just have to, you can do whatever the fuck you want. You just have to go and tell a priest. That's the exact opposite of the message of the Bible.

You have to go and tell a priest and confess. No, that's only if you're Catholic. And then he gives you, he lets you off. That's literally what it is. All right, first of all, there are mortal sins.

There are mortal sins there's no coming back from. The priest will be like, I'm sorry, buddy, I can't help you. And he pushes a button and the fucking confession booth tips up and you fall out. It's like a, it's like a port-a-loo yeah he pushes a

button the bottom of it opens up you disappear into the into hell that's so there are definitely sins you can't be forgiven for all right you can ask for forgiveness maybe god can forgive you but the priest's like hey buddy it's out of my hands you'll have to wait till judgment day and see what they say there that's the only way i mean the give you, you know, if you wanked on your fucking cousin's underpants or something, I don't know.

Wow. That might be forgivable. Right. It's not a specific memory. Trust me, I don't have any cousins. How is that even a sin? That's not even,

I don't even know what's a sin anymore. No, you don't. Listen, listen, listen. That's not a sin. Is that a sin? Well, because it's not in the Ten Commandments.

It's wanking on your cousin's underpants a sin. I don't think it is. The thing I like about Santa is that he's simple, right? Like nobody speaks on behalf of Santa because with Santa, it's just like, be good all year. There's no Santa priest. Yeah, be good all year and he'll bring you some presents, right?

But with God... There's no one making money off Santa. Everybody speaks for God or feels like there's some sort of conduit to God or whatever. The worst ones are people like multiple murderers who are like on death row. And all of a sudden they've become born-again Christians. And they found God and they're looking forward to his sanctuary and stuff. And I don't understand how it works. But fuck me, you killed like 15 people.

I don't think there's any sanctuary for you there. Like, you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't matter how much you say it. Like, I think you're out of the running. I think, I don't think, you're not a contender. I still like the idea though. But if you, like, I like the idea that people can redeem themselves, especially if they did something like, you know, like a six, like a 15 year old boy. that people can redeem themselves,

especially if they did something like, you know, like a 15-year-old boy, I don't know, who gets in with a bad crowd and joins a gang and accidentally, like shoots a gun and accidentally kills someone. I like the idea that he can be redeemed

and won't, you know, even, you know, and will go on to, you know, he doesn't have to become Santa Claus. He can become the next Santa Claus. Yeah. Or whatever. Like yeah i just that i mean that i i just i have hope that that people are good and and not that there's no but like uh you know somebody like uh you know somebody who uh is like um yeah like a victim of their

circumstances sure but then goes on to like do some really really nasty premeditated shit like beyond rehabilitation like like like strangling a cat or sewing people ass to mouth you can't become a born-again christian for christ's sake like it's not how it works like what the fuck you you condemned yourself when you when you when you did all that nasty shit like there's no coming back. Nobody fucking believes you. But the thing is, the church is desperate. They're not taking any help. That's true, yeah.

Well, this guy's high profile. He might be able to spread the good word. From behind bars. Thank you, everyone. That is a podcast. We've got to stop. Coming a wide range of subjects. Man, did we ever.

But we're back. We're back with a bang. We're back in full force whether you like it or not yeah eat it you may not agree with any of the things

we've said we're very all over the place oh shit if you feel angry there's helplines available I don't know the numbers for them maybe just like

1-800-ASK-THE-MOUTH or something I don't know try something maybe just fucking post about it on Twitter that you didn't like it I thought China's first

president was very offensive today was pushing his vegan agenda and they were they were very Just fucking post about it on Twitter that you didn't like it. I thought the Chinese post was very offensive today. Lewis was pushing his vegan agenda. They were very anti-Christian. They clearly worship Satan, and I encourage all of you to pray for them. So on that note, hail Satan, and we'll see you guys next week. Love you lots, and thanks for listening, and bye. All right. Goodbye.