Triforce! - Triforce! #119: Inside the Spy House

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

Triforce! Episode 119! A long time ago Pyrion noticed the Spy House near his house. Today he has an important update. Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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What? Come on! And you know you'll be doing this shit. Come on! That's terrible. Keep that as the intro. I want people to know doing this shit that's terrible keep that as the intro i want people to know well that's fucking fred durst in a nutshell isn't it i mean i watched the video for that the other day on uh i was on stream i was i didn't have anything to do and i watched that video and uh you know he's got like the red baseball cap on backwards and fucking biscuit khakis and like a big baggy white t-shirt and

stuff i thought to myself people thought that at must have thought at the time when this came out that this guy was cool but when you look back it's like what you know i mean like that just like the like the high-pitched voice and like the and everything you just think i always hated them like yeah same same they was they were always awful I was too, I was too old to sort of, you know what I mean? Like if you were like 13 when they came out, you might think, oh, fuck. That's like, I remember my brother listening to them. He had like a Discman and he had a bunch of, he got a bunch of CDs like one year for Christmas. And it was that typical, like we went to my grandma's house for Christmas and he was just

sitting in a corner sulking and like listening to limp biscuit like you know like a like a like a typical sort of teenage thing and i guess he he he was like like into them at the time listening to him be like and being like yeah but i was like yeah i was like 18 or 19 when that when that song came out and i was already beyond it i was just like that that's not that's not music for me i don't want to listen to that what do they look like now these guys limp biscuits probably the same they probably just had a couple of little like you know you see sometimes they turn into just very middle-class dads um like like beastie boys i are now looking like very

middle-class dads well they're rich just hanging out well yeah i mean i think it's it's one of those things but they come from this sort of era of when you are you just almost expecting to be rebellious kids forever you know wearing like loose jeans and having like nose rings bear in mind a lot of these guys that that do that kind of image that's what it is it's an image i mean that most of these guys that do that kind of image, that's what it is. It's an image. I mean, most of these guys, if you look at their background, their dad was like an accountant and their mum, you know, worked in an office or whatever. And they had a nice middle class upbringing.

And then they took it to the streets. Right. Because it's like, you know, you've got to learn how to make music. And it was all faux as well, wasn't it? It was all fake streets. Yeah. You're right. It wasn't a real street at all it was fake street vanilla ice famously was kind of

fake streets wasn't oh he was 100 fake street i remember when ice ice baby came out and he was talking about like the hood in miami and stuff like that and he wasn't even from there or anything like i think he was just robert matthew van winkle he's probably from like a suburb in delaware or something yeah but the weird thing is at that time to make it in rap you had to have some kind of street cred to be to be a rapper because otherwise people were like this guy's a fake like he's singing about like if you think about rap in the 80s and the 90s was very much that gangster rap kind of thing about you know the streets and your crew and how tough everything was so for vanilla i used to turn up and say it everyone was like fuck you like you you know you're just some rich white kid from miami or whatever you're not from the street so i think

that was the difference nowadays anybody can rap but nobody's like yo this guy ain't shot anybody you know it's like no problem if you can rap and it's good so be it there's a lot of accounts i mean i don't want to i don't want to um i don't want to spread like misinformation but there are a lot of accounts of you know like some of the more hardcore like gangster rap groups like nwa for example they they were around people who were you know dealing drugs or possibly like killing let's get like a rap beef going you want to say bad stuff about i'm sure yeah and i think i think eze himself was like that he was he was he never set out to be a rapper he was sort of like made into one by dr dre and ice cube who who saw that you can have in him but before that he was just dealing drugs and tofu he had street money to finance them sort of thing

we got a street tofu going on the east coast west coast getting a corn burger going on yeah no but i think like ice cube and and and dr dre were you know dr dre is just a dj like i don't think he was running around doing drive-bys and like dealing drugs and stuff like that yeah i'm sure he was like he was just like they were they were rapping about things that they saw, but not necessarily about things that they were involved in. Also, things that sold records. Let's remember that.

Sure, there's that too. But it was always just random, right? Even like today. Sometimes you just can't fucking tell what's going to go viral, you know, on the internet. I mean, instead of, jeez. Coronavirus news. Fucking hell.

What a segue. Yeah. I don't know whether we should avoid talking about it completely. Everyone's sick to death. I had a really bad anxiety attack last night because I was thinking, and that's the worst thing you can do is to think about, like I run over scenarios in my brain about, you know, what would I do in this situation and all the rest of it.

And then, you know, the worst worst i start to imagine fucking oh shit daisy stuff and and you know walking dead and everything so it it sort of gets you but um at the same time i went out today i had to go to the pharmacy and i had to go to uh i had to buy some paper and pencils and rubbers like restock on lined paper because the kids are going to be home from school for the foreseeable. There's a chance they might not go back to finish this school year, which is pretty crazy. So all the parents, we've got a WhatsApp group for our classes and everything. We're all sharing learning resources, and we're planning next week,

I'm going to homeschool them. Mrs. F is going to homeschool. We'll give them homework to do and stuff like that. So this is how you play Witch Doctor. You're going to want to start off by picking up a Q. One point in Q, because that will help you get the early stuns and secure the early runes. Level 1. You've just failed. That's an F.

I like the idea of you and a chalkboard. Wheel the fucking chalkboard out of the shed. You're like, this is what my daddy taught me! My daddy taught me! You do not go skirr and king oh man i could pick them all the drafts and counter picks and stuff yeah you just picked meepo into winter wyvern and earthshaker and f you get out of my classroom you could do like a

little exam for them yeah exactly you're in the safe lane, and your witch doctor's gone. Your carry's gone missing. What do you do? The answer is get as much farm as you can while you can, and pretend you can't hear your team. That's the answer. I love those fucking exam questions where it's like, Abdul is considering buying a divine rapier, but his teammate, Thomas...

Fucking Abdul every time. I tell him time and time again, don't do it. But he just goes and does it. He wants to make it work. Another member of his team, Vladimir, is swearing in Russian. Vladimir.

They always pick these sort of... Vladimir has decided to queue on EU West servers, generally English speaking, and has decided to start swearing in Russian. I don't know if you're qualified. His teammates are bewildered. They don't understand his weird mood language. I saw a tweet by someone that was like,

tried teaching my five and seven-year-old for an hour and 11 minutes and nearly lost my mind. Like, I have a newfound respect for what teachers do every day. Yeah, seriously. It's amazing. I mean, 30 kids, it's, I want to say it's one of the valued things, isn't it? Yeah. But I saw a tweet the other day that says, it turns out that actually doctors, nurses, teachers, bin men, delivery drivers, shelf stockers are actually really important jobs. Who knew? And it's like, it's an interesting take because now I hope people are waking up to how

important these jobs are and how society breaks down and everybody's in a mad panic when they suddenly can't have access to things that previously they had honestly taken for granted. So just look at yourselves and think, hang on on a sec when the teachers and the schools shut my life was completely fucking turned upside down maybe we shouldn't just say oh those teachers have it easy they don't need more money except that what they're doing is vital and the same goes for all the health care professionals and all the support staff and everything and even simple things like the bin men if they just stopped the streets would be piled up in no time so have some fucking respect for the the the down and gritty jobs that people have yeah we should be respecting these these these roles more people who are stocking shelves and stuff and making sure that

you can buy more toilet paper than you actually need are kind of putting themselves on the line as well like they're yeah they're there there's no protection like they're around people all the time who could be passing this virus on to them and stuff just so you can hoard toilet paper. Exactly. Even like postman. Just say thanks. Making sure people are getting their deliveries. Some people probably have their pills delivered by mail.

Probably some people could definitely need that copy of Animal Crossing. People need mental health stuff too. There's a lot of roles that are um you know really important and in fact in some ways help to to kind of get us through this situation because if you can go out to the shop and and it's not shut you know it feels or you know even if it's like a skeleton staff it still feels like fairly normal um which is we're just weird it's a weird time to be to be involved with stuff but yeah shout out to everyone fucking helping out other people so what's happened with me is first of all in the office it's basically um we've told everyone who can work from home they can work

from home right so everyone's getting on with it and stuff in discord and it's just business as usual basically yeah um but in my in my flat a little um sign went up which said um this guy is coordinating the sort of that block of flats support group for anyone who needs shopping done for them and so he's gonna so you just have to ring his number and he'll go out and buy you like shopping if you need it you know any like rice or anything just put your orders in he'll drop it at your door it's very generous someone's obviously really just offering to help out it's very kind and so it really sort of it's you know there are people there was loads of people out there who are really good-hearted people yeah and are just being very supportive to other people

when they need it at this time so if you if you you know you should always just check in check in with people i'm ringing i rang my parents i booked like a regular slot to ring my parents every week on skype that's nice of you yes i had a chat with them tuesday afternoon uh they were they were doing they're doing all right but they're a bit concerned sure a bit they're a bit everyone's a bit anxious about it i mean speaking of anxiety and flax's anxiety and like you know thinking about stuff at night and whatever i i'm not a very anxious person but last night as i was leaving the garage to go back into my house i found myself stopping midway between my garage and my house because i heard

a noise i froze to listen and then as i was unlocking my house door i was looking back for it and i thought man i am playing too much escape from tarkov like it's it's insane like everything like my i'm actually acting in my real life now like a like a scurrying rat in escape from tarkov i hear one noise i'm freezing like looking around and you're trying to hear if somebody's sneaking up around a corner on me and i'm unlocking my door looking both ways to make sure that nobody's watching me go in. I've got a stack of graphics cards here. I've got a fucking ton of graphics cards in my garage now and stuff. And I built a makeshift bathroom out here and a stash for all of my essentials.

Oh, man, it's crazy. I mean, is this a situation where we all have laughed about doomsday preppers on this podcast before? And it's not certainly, it's a long way from that. I mean, actually, as someone who is probably more inclined to do that than a lot of people, I weirdly maintain a small cupboard full of tins and rice and stuff like that in case i can't be asked to go you know what right i i don't doomsday prep because i don't want to survive doomsday yes i want to do this i want to go yeah i don't want to be stuck in a bunker somewhere with a with a bunch of toilet paper and beans just kill me before that happens i'm well it's more relevant for

people who would be trapped inside though like you know or should i say what was that movie with john goodman where they're in the bunk in that bunker because there's like an alien invasion it was um it was the follow-up but then what was it called the film where they were the original one where they were monsters in the city oh it's on the tip of my tongue i can't remember it because it was something you watch once it was like cloverfield or cloverfield it was cloverfield lane cloverfield lane that's need to see it. It was like Cloverfield or Cloverfield. It was Cloverfield Lane. Cloverfield Lane. That's the one, yeah.

It's terrible. It's all right. I thought it was all right. I think I saw it with you, actually. Didn't we go see it in the movies? Yeah, I think there's a lot of scary hype around this. Whereas, actually, I feel like at the very end of the day, yes, it's serious. Yes, we should stop other people and elderly people getting it.

But it's not like a zombie apocalypse. Is it it's like the only thing I'm worried about is Civil civil unrest if people start rioting you never know I mean if if people start running out of food Like if something happens with the with the food supplies and people can't get it You're gonna get a lot more crime people break it into people's houses to steal their food, shops getting smashed up, fires, etc. It's a little worrying. And I think that's why they've got the army and all the rest of it

out on the sort of semi, they're talking about getting the army out because you never know, you might need to suppress some civil unrest. But we'll see. Especially in a place like Italy where a lot of stuff is closed down. If I was trapped inside with a three-year-old and a five-year-old for more than a couple of weeks, I i'd start you know making a doomsday banner and you know ripping ripping some some clothes into a makeshift you know skull face and get you know walking out yelling on the streets help i can't stand it anymore someone look after my kids i mean

i want to get a hockey mask and be like the guy in mad max just walk away we're lucky we got a backyard we got like a trampoline for the kids and stuff so like even if we're kind of stuck at home they can still go back there and burn off some steam and stuff and i i think i'll be i think it's all right you tell me this time next week when you've spent a week at home with well i don't have to though it's my my wife spent i just come out to the to the garage and do do my thing you know your your wife's totally she likes having them home though it's in in some ways it's easier having them home because it's a lot of like a lot of farting around getting them to school picking them up from school making lunches like all that kind of stuff and in some ways like have like a second christmas

just get the christmas tree out yeah just bust that thing out i mean luckily nowadays we have a lot of things like netflix the internet you know they both they my youngest has an ipad she loves my oldest has a laptop i gave her so it's like they can occupy themselves pretty well well this is the other thing like it feels like um everyone has this attitude of oh self-isolation you know yourself like so you keep yourself entertained you know it's a great opportunity to read that book or do that thing or people like oh god i don't know if i've got enough stuff to watch and i'm like so i was talking to someone who i won't name uh in discord the other night boris johnson oh yeah i've i finally i finally get to like read all this stuff

and read all this this this anime or manga i was like sure sure sure uh whatever floats your boat and but then i thought you do nothing you're like a streamer you like stream a couple of hours a week and you don't have a job you don't have kids you know this is no different to your regular life like nothing's changed for you you're already a shut-in but they can't get toilet paper that's the big difference there's none it's sold out everywhere so so now what what do you mean now what well you what do you mean now what do you use your sleeve like a normal person? There's loads of alternatives. When I was in uni, we ran out of toilet paper all the time because when you were a student, that's what happened.

We used to use everything that was around. Kitchen roll's a bit rough, but you get used to it. I just did the next logical big brain play. There's no toilet paper left. I went to the store and bought myself 2,000 pairs of underpants. I just got extra underpants now. So, you know what mean if i how does that just wipe my ass with them when after after i do one i and what i'm going to do is i'm going

to make sure that nappy my diet is is as such where i only need to poop like maybe once a week or something i'll be fine i think this is going to do wonders for the moist toilet roll market so when i went to the co-op the only thing they had was the moist toilet roll. You know, like slightly wet. Have you seen those? They changed my world. Do you wipe your ass with a wet towel? No, they're like toilet roll, but they're wet.

They're like in little wet wipes. They're very bad for the sewers. Sips and I have spoken about this before. Oh, I have some big news for long-time listeners of the triforce podcast hooray this happened yesterday no this is not this is spy spy house spy house news oh spy house there's an update on spy house the smiles that backs up the back of your house update on this activity so in the spy house some new neighbors have moved in next door to them very nice young

couple i was chatting to them yesterday over the garden fence as you as you do very nice young couple that's such a period of flax thing to say how old are they well they're younger than me they haven't i mean she's pregnant so i i know that they must be younger than me and you know they're about to have their first so they're like probably where we were 10 years ago 12 years ago right so they see you and they're like oh look we were 10 years ago 12 years ago right so they see you and they're like oh look at this he's gonna be trouble this old bastard he's a bald arsehole so i i look they were in spy house's garden and i looked out of my window they're having like a welcome to the neighborhood barbecue and everybody was there except for you and you

were just like oh what's going on over there those guys look like they're having fun and like spy master was out there flipping burgers and he had like the apron with like the naked tits on it and stuff yeah and a massive hobo beard and like shit tons of water and toilet paper stacked up no they were they were the the spy house is gone they opened the door to a secret bunker i'll tell you and they all descended into the bunker they knocked down the fence and combined gardens no the point is that the garden the spy house garden was growing into their garden oh so they just went in there and started hacking it down okay so the young guy got his dad and they were but they were like fucking splashing all this stuff down and cutting it down they trimmed the trees that were going crazy and i said to them

do you guys live there because i didn't know and he said no um but we spoke to the guy they have his phone number and you can now see into the back of spy house and it turns out it turns out first of all the house is completely abandoned it has been for years i knew that much but i suspected that there was still something going on he said the thing is the guy used to rent it out used to live there for a while, but his wife got sick with cancer. He lives down in Teddington and they're keeping the house because they're going to do it up

and resell it at some point. It's not a spy house. Much simpler explanation. Right. Which I'm relieved about. But the state of this house is unbelievable. One of the back doors

has completely fallen in. So animals have just been living in there and it's just completely overrun. he fuck that's crazy dude that sounds like a project for you you know i'm not gonna go and fix up someone else's house what do you just just what are you talking about you can buy up for like fucking dirt cheap knock through the fence then you could like just go out the garden and fix it up just buy a house what are you talking about how much is it if it's animals are living there how much is it? If it's animals that live in there,

how much is it worth? Well, I would think... With the animals included? Two million. It's London. Those animals ain't cheap. You know, this house, a piece of shit,

it's probably only worth about 50,000. But there's a whole family of raccoons there. Hmm, let me think. Okay, five raccoons and potentially... Do they get squatters rights?

They can have offspring as well. Okay, let's get the value of all these raccoons. Do they get squatters rights? They can have offspring as well. Okay, let's get the value of all these raccoons. And what's that? Pigeons in the loft? Okay, how many pigeons are up there? You just start counting all the wildlife. All right, let's see. So 100 quid for each raccoon, 20 quid for each pigeon,

50 grand for the property, all that shitty extra foliage. That'll cost you because that's worth it. That's grown for years. That has a lot of load of lovely mud coating the inside add a couple thousand on for that

I'd say London prices you know premium put a little bit of tax on the top that's that's gonna be two and a half million

two and a half million please that's how much that's how much it is for a fucking anywhere in Twickenham I mean you'd have to spend I think you'd have to spend

a hundred on the house to get it up to. I mean, for one thing, it's separated into two flats. So you're going to have to get rid of that and put a staircase in. Right. Because it's too small for flats. But an old disabled lady used to live there, which is why they had it converted into flats and rented out the top. So there's a whole story to it.

Yeah, every house has a story. You'd be amazed. It's much less interesting now you know the story. It is. It was nice when it was Spy House. now you know the story it is it's nice when it was spy house you know when you could think anything was going on there you could like wonder what was what was happening if there was like russian meeting all properties always have like a bit of a have a bit of a story to them when they've been around for a long time but what do

you think the story is going to be for like new builds you know like uh like these like like chinese apartment buildings that go up in like two weeks because they're like prefab and stuff like that they're built on a burial ground aren't they what do you think what do you think the the cool story for those those apartments you know what i always think when i think of new builds i think of someone murdering someone in their family in a new build oh chucking them in the cot in the foundation yeah i always think of new builds as a place where where violence is done i don't know why i look at old houses and i think they've got a kind of a charming spirit to them but a new build to me is like soulless murder could be done there that's what i'm thinking i feel like an older building though has like that you know that those people

have lived in there so long and they've like buried their relatives in the wall or whatever and then the next couple have moved in killed someone buried that relative in the wall so it's just just false walls on false walls that's why all the rooms are really small and claustrophobic that's like the original they were very big and spacious there's there's a show called ghosts made by the guys that did horrible histories oh yeah i've seen bits and pieces it is it is very very good to the that mansion and the woman can see all the ghosts she gets a head injury and when she comes around she can see these ghosts and they're all they've all died on that property over the years one of them is like a caveman so he died there like

thousands of years ago and stuff and then you've got all these other ones that have come in over time yeah it's it's really funny it is funny yeah it is oh is it a sitcom yeah but it's on like in the evening it's not like it's on like no it's not like for kids but uh it's very fun one of my favorite bits is uh one of the guys that died there was like an army general or like a lieutenant or something like that and he says to the says to the assembled ghosts well it looks like we're gonna have to get rid of this living couple it's going to be a guerrilla war and the caveman says guerrilla always win yeah a good little nice little joke uh what was it we watched with you when i was your sips we've watched the goes wrong show fuck that's amazing it's so fucking funny it's definitely

something you could watch with the yeah yeah yeah feel like that offensive and it had a few good laughs but it's very funny it's kind of nice to watch some fucking british comedy again honestly like i feel like i so so much british comedy that doesn't feel like it's trying to be american comedy everything american yeah like it didn't feel like it doesn't have to be like it feels like you know pretty uniquely british doesn't it like f-bombs some of the newer like sitcom like british sitcoms feel like they they're trying to be like overly american somehow you know what i mean like yeah i i as much as my favorite i think my favorite shows comedy shows ever are um probably like trailer park boys and um the office and it's only son it's always arrested development that was pretty good

arrested you know as much as i love those my you know it's nice to i don't know just watch some some british yeah no it's so much it's harmless but it's i watched the windsors this week which i didn't really like the winds oh that's terrible it just started auto playing while i was playing yeah i saw it on netflix because i saw an ad for it and i thought oh it might be kind of funny but it's harry enfield hasn't been funny for like 30 years now or something no he has not it's it's crazy like he used to actually genuinely be very funny like you know like loads of money it's just it's it's interesting you know what made me laugh match of the day obviously there's no football so in the match of the day schedule they just panicked and stuck in an episode of mrs brown's boys oh no

they got a shitload of complaints oh man they should put some old shit on instead like that's what people said stick a classic show as well or or if you're gonna put a comedy on put an old one on put like some mothers do have them or something like that like something that's actually kind of funny instead of fucking i just think they should run run some old some old football run an old match of the day des line them you know break it out the old ones uh like a classic episode where there's like really good games and it was like a title chase or something chuck that in i'd love to see that alan hansen back in there terrible defender you know all that stuff classics instead of fucking mrs brown's boys the worst sitcom i've ever ever seen it's so fuck me there are some it's impossible to

watch it's just that's the worst it's the way the audience are absolutely losing their shit like what are you like what are you laughing at I watched a Joe Pasquale stand-up set the other day because Stuart Lee's always having a go at Joe Pasquale yeah he was big in the I think the late 80s and early 90s was like Joe Pasquale's prime time. More recently, he was on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. That was the last time I saw him. It's abysmal. His stand-up is abysmal.

Like, it's unwatchably unfunny. And the people are absolutely creasing up and like falling out of their seats. There's something offensive about seeing that level of laughter about something that you know demonstrably is empirically bad i know you see it sometimes but no i've been i've got a lot of shit i want to watch i got a lot of a lot of i think i think actually one of the things i'm trying to do is not watch so much um miserable documentary stuff i've been watching like i watched all of the new dirty money series oh i haven't watched the new one i my i watched the to watch it i watched the trump episode of season one because my wife hadn't seen anything and i said oh you should watch give it a try watch this one about trump because like you know it's it's a bit more relevant now that he's a president

and whatever and um so we watched that and it was it was it was miserable but you know it's pretty good it is it's it's fucking hard to watch because you're like, Jesus Christ. There's a lot of faith in humanity when you watch that documentary series. It's crazy, the shit that people do just for money as well. It doesn't make any sense. It's interesting to see some of these worlds that you didn't know were going on, sort of criminal underworlds. It's educational too because you watch something like that and it makes you

realize that you can actually um go out of your way to avoid ever getting um caught up in any of those worlds you know what i mean like just live a simple life don't don't don't go to trump university and don't fucking buy you know cars from companies that have cheated on carbon emissions and and stuff like that you know what i mean just it is amazing simple almost every episode is like this um somebody does something incredibly poisonous to either the environment or the rules or something and they get slapped with a fine that is about one quarter of the profits that they made exploiting stuff you know they like they like cut down a shitload of rainforest sold it for two billion and got fined 20 pounds it's

like what it's like it's insane yeah the craziest thing about all of it is that that nobody takes responsibility whatsoever for it because it's usually a big organizational thing and it just becomes like it just becomes money on on on a piece of paper right it's just numbers on on on paper and nobody stops to think about how it might affect like anybody else or or anything else or whatever if you haven't seen um enron the smartest guys in the room that's a really good documentary that was i noticed was on netflix the other day and that's really interesting and ron is really such a crazy scandalous collapse and the things but there's a lot of like time that goes into weighing up how worth how how worth it is it to do something versus how much are we likely to get fined for doing it sort of thing and if they're

still profitable at the end they'll just do it it's fucking unbelievable all this stuff though just just builds up this like pressure of fury in me like like it's futile you know it's i feel like my dad writing letters to the prime minister you know angrily complaining about something does he do that pissing into the wind yeah i mean that my dad's a but he still regularly writes letters to the Prime Minister. He's done it for years. Hope you're well. Quick update on the runner beans. Coming along nicely in this rainy season.

However, I have a question about the National Health Service. It does just get it out of his system, you know. He obviously is a daily Telegraph reader, and he just follows things. And actually, a couple of years ago, my mum sort of managed to get him to stop buying it every day. And actually, he's been a lot more chill since. And I think that we do have this, I can't remember what it's called, but there's this thing I read about on Wikipedia.

And I read an article about it. And it's called, it's something like negativity bias. And it basically, our media around us, know we're constantly watching just like murder shows you know my like casual viewing for me is like csi or like midsummer murders or like you know touch of frost even my parents you know are very surrounded by kind of casual family viewing murder shows and those shows about police stopping people yeah that's my mom watches all of those any anything set in a hospital like dramas not dramas but real life stuff in a hospital yeah real life stuff involving the police she reads the paper she watches the news and i'm just like you're entertaining yourself

by filling your life with dread just permanently that's what it is it is it's this it's this it's this build-up of sort of anxiety and fear that the world is a much scarier place than it is the reality is that far more people are positive and supportive to the extent that it's hundreds of times or thousands of times more people are you know the murder rate is incredibly small you know midsummer murders you know the show town should be raised to the ground. Do you think that some people's attitudes and views tend to be sort of national rather than local as well? Yes. And I think that's part of the problem too. Because I think if you've got a local paper about things that were going on in your immediate area and affecting people that are part of your community or whatever, it's's easily digestible stuff right like because you can

you can relate to it a lot better you can potentially get involved in something or whatever but have you read the local paper because i have here's the thing it's hella boring it's boring because that's reality exactly yeah people don't want to read yeah boring our local paper is the same like every once in a while there'll be like a trial for somebody like getting caught with drugs or something but for the most part it's like oh grade three are painting a piece of wood on the front and stuff like that and you're just like yeah great you know what you know what i mean like i think that's as boring as it is i would rather read that than be fucking scared to death at every turn reading something like you know the sun or the

fucking daily mail or some shit like that you know what i mean yeah at the same time like i think that there is a fear in headlines and a fear in not knowing the full story yourself like if you're not sure what's going on i think you need to you need to educate yourself in order to reassure yourself or of a situation don't think that learning more about something is actually going to usually make your fear of it worse i think for example with coronavirus i think that we are so terrified and on and people people who aren't familiar and have read up about all of the stuff don't are more scared than the people who have do you know i mean i think i think that i'm not saying that you should get addicted i had a run

in in the pharmacy today about corona oh did you go because yeah they had a sign when you come in and the the pharmacy near me sort of has uh two aisles either side of like some of those what they call gondolas right the things that the shelves so you've got the shelves there and there's two aisles either side and they both lead to the to the counter sure and pretty standard standard shop setup right and then there's a sign that says if you have the coronavirus and i read that and then they stuck a little thing next to it that says cue this side so i read down as far as cue this side because it's like the top of the sign is white text on red which is like the top of the sign is white

text on red, which is like jumps out at you, if you have the coronavirus. And then there's a little sign saying cue this side. And I look and there's a bunch of people queuing that side. I thought, blimey. So I queued the other side, because I don't have coronavirus or I don't have any symptoms of it. And this old lady's like, there's a cue. And I said, yeah, but that cues for people with the coronavirus and I don't have it. And she said,'t have the coronavirus there's a queue i said well why are you queuing on that side i said that's the queue for people that have coronavirus she just kept saying there's a queue there's a queue and this other guy came and queued next to me thinking i don't have coronavirus because the sign was so confusing that it freaked this old lady out she thought

i was trying to queue jump but i wasn't she was more upset about the queue jumping than the fucking one of the old guys in the queue says to me it says if you have the coronavirus you have to go home he said the queue oh my god that might have been the trigger that started the fucking riot right and i thought that simple this is how this shit gets started exactly and anyway someone's not following the fucking queuing rules that's where we break down call the army i went back and read the sign and it said if you have the coronavirus and then a little bit that said cue this side but then underneath that it said go home so i stopped reading at the point where it said cue this side because i thought well i don't it's gonna become like a profile thing like they're gonna there's gonna be signs on the bathrooms no coronis allowed and

stuff like that it's a fuck yeah it's scary it's crazy but she was she was absolutely bonkers angry thinking i was q jumping it was it was funny but uh in the end i queued up behind her and this guy came next to me said the sign definitely said cue the other side i'm with you mate i was like all right so if this comes to a fight it's me and this fella against this old lady and this old fella. So we'll fucking take them. We'll take their pharmacy drugs and we'll run out. Jesus Christ. Some people.

And we'll burn the place to the ground. I don't get some people, man. Like, that's just crazy. Like, just fucking take two seconds, even if it's a confusing sign. You know what I mean? Like, instead of yelling at somebody, just ask them. Just be, you know. Or just fucking leave them to it.

Like I would never confront somebody about something so fucking stupid. Like I, I have a bit more self-respect and a bit more fucking desire to like maintain some, some, some degree of wellbeing than to fucking stand in a, in a pharmacy and yell at somebody because of queuing etiquette i mean i'm sure that this that high putting people in high pressure environments is going to cause a

whole bunch of problems as and so we are going to see this i'm sure over the next few weeks as people yeah you know go a bit stir crazy and get put out apparently people are getting people who work at grocery stores and stuff are being yelled at because there's no toilet paper. People are actually going into stores and being like, what the fuck are you doing? Where the fuck is the toilet actually getting yelled at? I know. How? People take these things for granted and assume that that person behind the counter is in charge of toilet paper.

How do you get to that point in your life where you're yelling at somebody in a store? I would never dream of doing it. People panic. Someone who's being paid minimum wage, you know, who's probably coming in and probably will be fired, you know, for fucking, you know, just because the company's having a slight downturn. Have you guys ever gone to a store and yelled at somebody before? You've been so mad about something that's gone wrong at a store? I can't believe people do that. But again, that's a rare thing, actually, Sips.

Again, people are doing that, but I've not seen it. I went to the pet store. Most people, 99% of people are fine. I went to the pet store when I got Terry, and I spent, I think it 180 pounds right on all the gear for him like his cage lights everything just to get him set up it's like 180 pounds okay and i i get back from the store i paid for everything on using my card i kept the receipt and stuff i get back from the store and i'm unloading all the stuff my wife looks at the receipt she's like holy fuck it's

like what she's like goddamn like terry and his gear are expensive it's like oh it's like 180 pounds like it's kind of expensive it's like 180 you mean you mean 1800 pounds i was like no there's no way and then and then but like five minutes later because i was like ah i'll just go up and and sort it out like you know the girl just put put like an extra zero on the on the keypad or something or whatever. But then five minutes later, the owner of the store phoned me and he's like, oh, fuck, we really overcharged you. Sorry about that. I was like, yeah, yeah, we just noticed. Like and he's like, yeah, come up and we'll get it all sorted out.

I was like, OK, cool. Thanks. yeah come up and we'll we'll get it all sorted out as i okay cool thanks but like even something like that i wouldn't lose my shit over because i i just feel like you can you can sort anything out just by sort of slowly and methodically going through it and and reasoning it out and stuff right like yeah i would i would never go to a store and be like you fucking you fucking stupid fucking idiots you fucking charged me to the fuck you like just going crazy like what the hell i think some people see and you know anyone that's worked in retail i have and i'm sure a bunch of our viewers have and probably do yeah a lot of people see you yeah

a lot of people see you as a target for their anger and they they immediately feel that they're the customer therefore they outrank you they are going to give you shit and they're gonna use you as a punching bag because you're less than them you're serving them you have a subservient role in this dynamic so i'm gonna take this out on you and anyone that says look i just work here well you represent the store don't you don't you just fuck off all right i mean we're i mean, I'm sure your job is fucking amazing, you piece of shit. You're here shopping at 2 o'clock in the fucking afternoon. Probably haven't got a fucking job or you're retired, you old cunt.

Fuck off. I'm doing this for fuck all. That's what I want to say. Do you know what? I feel like you could totally do that if you ran your own, like, I don't know, chip shop or whatever. But if you're, like like in a fucking actual like a subway or mcdonald's or somewhere that pays just absolutely shit minimum wage and has all these

fucking crazy things to like get you on it would be worth taking that job even if you didn't need it i'm tempted to get that job and hope a customer gives me some shit so i can tell them what i really think on the on behalf of all my fellow workers that can't open their mouth that have to just eat that shit day in day out because they need the fellow workers that can't open their mouth that have to just eat that shit day in day out because they need the job and they can't afford to lose it but don't push people too far that's all i'm saying because eventually they're going to snap and they're going to start spitting in everybody's burgers just because you've been a cunt i think that you know what it is it's don't i think it's don't push the workers too far as well because if the if these

guys who have been paid minimum wage to get complained at, and they're working either extra hours or overtime or being forced to- Stressful. It's very stressful. You're going to have the people say, look, we're not working under these- But a good manager, and I've seen this, will literally tell the customer to fuck off. If you have a decent manager, they'll come out because they'll take the heat and they can talk to the head office and say look this bloke was i've seen that happen before actually i've seen it whether the manager comes out and says i'm not

having to talk to my staff like that yeah yeah i've actually seen that firsthand before not not that anybody i i've never been yelled at by a customer but i've seen i've had co-workers yelled at like in retail jobs by customers and and the manager just comes up and just says excuse me you have to leave like this like unacceptable which is it's great it actually makes you feel like like really good when it happens and you have a lot of respect for the person because like because that's a hard thing to do i actually just going up to somebody and just saying like sorry you're out you know like it's not get out of this it's not an easy thing to confront somebody like i bet the managers fucking love it i would i would love it yeah turfing out a bastard customer that must be like let's let's have a collective high five too yeah yeah definitely sure fucking let's do it can i say as well that

there's some some sweet sweet joy in seeing airlines be turning into beggars, right? Because the airlines were used to be absolute fucking cunts. They would be like, oh, do you want to sit next to your wife? That's 150 extra quid, mate. I saw that tweet. I saw that tweet as well. Do you want to like, do you want to like fucking, you know, get some, do you want to put your baggage on? Do you want to breathe while you're on the plane?

It's going to cost you 5p per breath we we have we installed technology that can monitor how many breaths you take and they've been absolutely awful for years and years and years doing like these have you ever heard of like basic economy well it's just it's like it really you're talking about ryanair there's no other airline that that really does it they went under but they were they were a model I paid for extra legroom seat I paid for it was tenor for seat where I could actually sit straight on paid for that and it was the wrong row whatever that whatever the equipment they had it was the wrong row over the last like five years they've had you know absolutely amazing record profits right and I read that the the biggest american airlines put 95 of it back into buying their own shares back right and now they're like oh government can i have some money please

i would we don't know how we're gonna weather this storm it's times tough for the old airlines how are we gonna pay our our ceos multiple tens of millions of pounds every week. They're not going to sell the shares they've bought back. I mean, that would be insane. They're worth fuck all now, that's why. Well, tough shit. Fucking holy shit.

This is how the world works. They're a huge polluter. There's too fucking many tourists anyway. I have no sympathy. I guess I'm like... I sound like my dad. This is my letter to the Prime Minister. Yeah, you should write a letter to the Prime Minister. Do not bail out these fucking assholes. Boris, if you're listening, take note.

Say no to the airline bailout. Fuck them. This is what happened. i'm turning to my dad i saw this week someone put a comment um and they took a picture of me with my i took someone took a picture of me um because the special effect came in and brought us some uh eggs and a nice picture and stuff anyways very nice very nice thank you and um they took a picture of me and my hair was sort of flopped to the side. And they took a picture of my dad side by side, and he had exactly the same hairstyle.

And I was like, oh, my God, I'm turning into my dad. Doesn't your dad have a mustache? Does he have a big mustache? He does have a mustache. Grow a mustache right now. Yeah, grow one, man. You should do it. Well, I can't.

I can't. I've tried. I think maybe I got the gene for the hair, but not for the mustache. Because he definitely... My dad has a very, very thin upper lip that he's got hidden behind his mustache. Is it like a pencil mustache, like Brian Ferry? It's a very thin upper lip, but it looks a bit weird. So that's why he has the mustache to hide it.

He's got a Brian Ferry. You could grow a Brian Ferry easily. I think you'd look good with that too, with a pencil mustache. He would look creepy as fuck. He'd look even more like the Bristol Pusher if he had a mustache that he could twirl at the edges. Don't listen to Flax. Just get the pencil mustache. Mustaches are not cool at the moment.

The only people who can pull off mustaches are Bollywood stars. And dictators. that's it yeah dictators yeah yeah middle eastern dictators and bollywood stars and and and most police officers in america as well well if they're massive racists they can have a big mustache the higher up they are the bigger the the bushier the mustache as well, eh? Here's the commissioner for Baltimore. He just comes out just like a fucking walking mustache. Cowboys and actors who tend to portray cowboys. Sam Elliott, prime example.

Wouldn't be the same without a mustache. Oh, yeah. American cops, it's like such a stereotype, eh? They're always like a little bit overweight, white. They've got like glasses and a mustache right like pretty much every cop but then there's then there's the other cops that are just like beefcakes like like they played yeah high school football and uh there was um there was a a brief attempt to bring back the mustache wasn't there by henry cavill he was he

was a cop wasn't he in in the movie that was he a cop in the movie that he grew a mustache for was it mission impossible i can't remember he was the bad guy in mission impossible oh right spoiler sorry that's sorry i can't remember by the way that was a fucking kick-ass movie the most recent mission impossible was it i i loved it i loved it yes it was so good how does that guy do it man I don't know. Tom Cruise is like 70 years old now, right? He's 104. Maybe there is something to this Scientology bullshit. Maybe there is something to this Zinu stuff.

He's 61, I think. Tom Cruise is 57 years old. No, he's 57. 57, okay. He was born on the 3rd of July, 1962. Oh, he was born on the 3rd of July and not on the 4th of July. Damn. One day short of- Love it or leave and not on the 4th of July. Damn. One day short of-

Love it or leave it! Woo! America, woo! I love how when people in an audience, Americans do that. I love how they whoop when people say American. I hate that. I hate the whooping. In a way that no one else does.

I can't get behind the whooping. I don't like it at all. Woo! Woohoo! I mean, you're talking, you know, two English people and a Canadian. We're not about whooping and I think Canadians have a bit more whooping potential they're very potential North American in the same way that you're like is anyone in the studio tonight from the north and they'll be like

yeah we're not going to go, woo! Yeah, I know. It's funny, Abe. Like, British sort of culture is very dry. Understated and dry. It's not extroverted like Americans are. It's not in your face. No. If anything, it's beating you down. Americans go to rallies, and they, like, get out of their car,

and they do, like, the death metal sign. They're like like going crazy. Like, come on, it's a fucking rally. Like calm down. Like Joe Biden. British people would do the same thing, but they get out of their car. They'd be like mumbling and like moaning about something in rubber boots and walking across a field.

That's like every rally in Britain. Yeah, that's true. Complaining about the weather as they go. Oh, oh yeah well it's been a uh it's it's been a part it it feels like it's like a like a stripped down podcast you didn't do a proper intro or anything i think people are like it feels everything recently feels a bit diy because of the quarantining and everybody being on lockdown and stuff everything feels like a little DIY because of the quarantining and everybody being on lockdown and stuff. Everything feels like a little bit seat of the pants these days. I think we need some new words for this because quarantine feels like such a zombie movie word.

We need to call it something else. And something more positive than self-isolation. Let's call it some me time. Everybody's taking some me time. To chill at home and look after themselves and their loved ones, to not panic.

Retreat to your happiness fortress. How about that? Exactly. Something like that. Because this can be positive. Why are you doing it? It should be to help. It should be to help

the reduction or something like that. You could call it... Do you know what I mean? We need to spin this, you know, in the same way that... You know what we're doing?

We're doing our civic teaching. The Spy House is animal friendly. Animal friendly. It's the animal house and it's friendly. And it's in tune with nature. Yeah.

I think it's important people realise that people are there for you, your friends are there for you, your family are there for you. They may not be there physically but we are more connected now with each other and everyone else than we've ever have been throughout history so you're not alone

yeah you're you're not alone maybe you're elderly respecting or like you know you're doing your duty we're doing our job collectively to get over this and i think we should be proud of the fact that the people are you know there are going to be some assholes and there's going to be some dickheads but on the whole we're going to collectively pull together and everybody wants this to to go well everyone i've spoken to says good luck all the best stay healthy you know that's what we all want so let's see it in that way socially we're pulling together there's already been actually i mean this podcast is a week delayed so a lot can change in a week yeah in a week's time the whole world will be on fire but for the time being but actually already i've started to read positive stuff like they seem to have gotten

on top of it at least in china there weren't any new cases over the last couple of days so they say and like it feels like what we're doing by sort of self-isolating and shutting things down does seem to be curtailing yeah the sort of spread quite a lot yeah so yeah that's good hopefully yeah and with the schools closed and more people working from home and stuff it'll just i think it's one of those things where it's likely to keep spreading but i think they want it if it is going to spread they want it to spread slowly so they can cope with it that's it they don't want everybody to get it at the same goddamn time benefits that come out of this too like in terms of how tom hanks got it and he's fine now and his wife as well yeah uh I I just Elba had it as well and I think he's fine he didn't even have he had he had

some symptoms but he said he's fine like it didn't didn't affect him but he was a lot less people are getting sick of other things too I don't know I feel like um but apparently if you do have it don't use anti-inflammatories yes don't use ibuprofen that's a big no-no don't don't know i feel like um but apparently if you do have it don't use anti-inflammatories is yes don't use ibuprofen that's a big no-no don't don't because they they like inflammation is your body fighting an infection right yeah like that's the point so yeah so it can make it it can make it worse that it can make it worse so yeah i think that's been widely disseminated but just in case you didn't hear that yeah don't take ibuprofen or any similar anti-inflammatory yeah all right and eat your five a day and be careful out there and don't worry stay frosty look after people in your neighborhood yeah keep going we're going to entertain you in

your hour of need with with tarkov and triforce and where nothing has changed for us all the life is literally the same no my life my life has not been impacted literally everything is a single bit very has not changed hey you know what though before we go quickly i'm planning an expansion of my dad garage i'm gonna expand to what where to where more turtles no no behind the dad garage you know like there's like the the patch of garden behind the garage lewis has been to my house the bit the snails. The bit with all the snails. Yeah, where all the snails live and stuff. Okay, peep this. I'm going to build an extension to the garage,

but it's not going to connect into the, there's not going to be a door into it, but there'll be like a patio area outside. And that whole area behind the garage is going to be like a big, like greenhouse slash bike shed. What do you think of that? Greenhouse.

I would love to have a greenhouse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm going crazy. I'm going to go crazy with it though. I'm going to get like one of those fucking mist systems. I'm going to get heating in there and everything. It's going to be fucking great. You're going to grow weed.

Grow weed. I could grow weed, but it'd probably end up just growing like a couple of herbs and like some tomatoes. Haven't you already got a shed on the other side of the garden? Yeah, but it's just a crappy like. Oh, you're going to replace it with a new shed. Lewis, he's making like Q Gardens in Jersey.

This is the start. Yeah, I'm going to make my own. I'm down. Yeah, I'm going to get maybe, I might even get some more tortoises. I might make like a big run for Terry and get him some friends and stuff. Is that, is it, they call it a terrarium? Is that where you put him in a big, in a big thing? I'll get like, I'll make it nice and humid in there with a lot of mist and shit.

And like, oh man, it's going to be awesome. He's going to grow all of his dandelions in there for him and stuff. This is awesome. I'm excited. Yeah, yeah. Get like a roof bit for the driveway as well. Get like some pillars. Like a carport.

Like a little roof on the driveway. Yeah, like a railway station. No, I think eventually... And then get like some servants and a butler and some armed guards. No, no, I think eventually that part servants and a butler and no no i think eventually that part the part of the driveway that you're talking about by the porch um will probably um extend the house out that way oh wow but that's you don't have that much space if you're gonna have to it's a car park on the other side isn't there can you who's who's using that on the

other side of what cars of the fence you mean yeah well it's like not it used to be part of this property and then they sold that bit of land to the like the place next door right but who knows maybe i could buy it back and then i could build like a little cottage or something there yeah that cottage yeah and then i could just live in there my family can live in the big house you just have like my own my own little bachelor so you're planning to become completely self-sufficient you're going to grow your. So you're planning to become completely self-sufficient. You're going to grow your own food. You're going to live in the garage. You're going to build another house.

I'm going to grow my own corn in there. I don't think that'll work. I'm going to make my own corn syrup. I'm going to make my own fructose. And I'm going to make all sorts of weird, wonderful corn products. You could probably grow some tomatoes. Tomatoes would be good. Do they call like corn

beef do they call it queef because they should look into that no i don't think they do because um you know it would it would sell it'd be hilarious it'd be like calling like a brand of pickles penis farts or something i think they should do that yeah they should yeah i would but i would buy that it would sell dick pickles dick Yeah. All right. That's enough. See you next time. Bye-bye. See you next time. All right.

Love you, mate. Stay safe.