Triforce! - Triforce! #129: Proper Facile Calibre Podcast, Mate

Episode Date: June 3, 2020

Triforce! Episode 129! Sips' body is failing him, Lewis is getting into detective shows and Pyrion is inventing some hip cool pre-eminent slang! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Welcome back. Curse it. Fuck my falling apart fucking body. Fuck. I was trying to do an intro, Sips, and you're complaining about being an old man. Oh, I've left my walking stick inside. Oh, my teeth have all fallen out. I know, but... I ate a toffee this morning,

and I couldn't swallow it. I saw your ear, and my mouth is all fucked up, and oh, god damn. So, sorry, Sips was complaining before we started that his body's falling apart. He's got an earache. Just try wearing one earphone for a while.

That fixed it for me when I had a bit of an ear thing. Oh, man. Because I wear headphones like 12 hours a day. That was the problem I had. Oh, man, maybe. It wasn't like airing out my ear properly. Oh, yeah, maybe. Don't stick anything in there, all right?

Don't fucking stick anything in there. No, no. Unless it's a paracetamol or whatever, and you have to get that in there. I don't fucking stick anything in there no no unless it's a paracetamol or whatever and you have to get that in there i don't know i don't stick anything in my ears but like the other day i cleaned out my shed and it was full of like snails and spiders and stuff like that so when it started hurting because i went to the doctor it was it was hurting bad i thought it was infected and i thought oh fuck you know like if i got an infection like that could mean other things or whatever so i thought i'll go to the doctor but leading up to going to the doctor i was i was worried that like somehow like a spider got in my ear and was like i was gonna say classic ear spider yeah classic yeah but uh he looked at my

ear and it was clear it was all clear and stuff but i guess spider eggs are pretty small so like maybe just like missed i think it's just your body risk responding to you doing any anything like hard work It's trying to send you a message never do that again, and it's brought you on a psychosomatic Ear is a troweling in the background. Are you building a house in the background? I'm not in here, but in here Intriguingly, you know the Russian spy house? Yeah, your daughter is home from school, man. You've got to get her on that. She's doing good spy work. Get her monitoring.

The only window that overlooks the Russian spy house is my office, and I don't want her in here. So they're having some work done in the Russian spy house garden, which, as we know, is not a Russian spy house. But that's what the racket is today. And more intriguingly than that, the builders doing the work are Russian. Oh, wow. They like to keep it in the family, you know?

Do they have tops on? Because it is boiling. They do. How long do you think they're going to have tops on for? Well, they didn't top off yesterday, and it was much hotter. What sort of cut are the tops that these guys are wearing? They're just wearing t-shirts, but they've got very, very well-coiffed hair. Right. Is it quite oily hair?

Yes. Are they loose t-shirts, like baggy? Or are they fitted? Let me have a look. Hold on. Can you see a good shape underneath them? Do they have tattoos? They're big lads. Right. Big py see like a shape, a good shape underneath them? Do they have tattoos? They're big,

they're big lads. Right. Big pythons. Or builders are. Yeah. It just comes with the territory. But these lads are like bigger than, like we,

you know, we've had builders before and so you get the occasional big. So they're not like wearing. These lads are both big. They're not wearing denim overalls with no shirt on underneath or anything like that?

No, they're not. Because they're not, they're not doing this work in the deep south. They're not miners? They're not they're not hard hats they're not doing this work in the deep they're not miners they're not coal miners no they're they're just they're just chatting are they like wiping the sweat of their brow leading back and they're oh and like shaking out their hair and like kind of just they're glistening muscles you've got a

different vision of what's happening in the background are they using an ice cold diet pepsi that has like condensation like all over it to like cool down their forehead in slow motion are they doing all the all the stay-at-home dads are looking out the windows at them is that what you're employing yeah yeah in their bellies out the window yeah i wish once like that that's one of the days shit so we're though we're falling apart. Sips, you got... I did exactly the same thing this week. I got like a...

I bit my lip, okay? And it like... Just like... And it swallowed up a bit. And every time I eat anything, I just bite it again. Yeah, I've got that as well. I've got that on my lip.

Fucking so annoying. And like I bit my tongue the other day as well. And now that's... Causing me some... And my whole like... bit my tongue the other day as well and now that's jesus causing me some and my whole like where my ear is sore my whole jaw on that side is fucked like i can't even open my mouth fully or anything like it sounds like you've got an ear infection there mate yeah well you might have to get some antiseptic antibiotic eardrops or something well i went to the doctor i'm not the doctor obviously no i know because i actually went to the doctor, like I said. I'm not the doctor, obviously. No, I know, because I actually went to a doctor. I've watched a few episodes of Doctor House MD, and I reckon...

You think it's lupus. I mean... Slum bagel. What's the other one? Lyme disease. It could be Lyme. It's not lupus. You could have Lyme.

Have you been near any rivers or areas of wetlands? Have you been near any limes? Or supermarket? Yeah, fruit counters lately. Mr. Lovess, I've looked in your ear. There's a goddamn lime in there. You've got a whole tree in here. How'd you get it in there?

Well, I put a seed in my ear and it grew into a lime. I traded my prized cow for some magical beans. It's like an episode of SpongeBob. There's a goddamn lime in your ear. Oh, man. So, yeah, I don't know what the hell's going on. I guess, you know, I'm going to be 40 like next week. So maybe that's it.

Fuck. It's just a reminder. Maybe this father time is just gently reminding me that I'm not a young buck anymore. I'm not a spring chicken anymore. Yeah. You know, my body is betraying me actively almost every day now. It's weird.

Your body stores up revenge. You know what I mean? You see these guys in their 60s who still look like bodybuilders. They never betrayed their body. So their body rewards them. Yeah. Those of us who spent 20 years sitting in an office chair at a computer, you know at home or at work our body is your body never one day never forgets yeah one day i will have my revenge and you'll have to make this noise when you pick anything up or this noise

when you get up i'd be doing that yeah you'll grunt when you pick up a full it's it's it's that moment when you you look at the mirror and you're like, oh, you're really good. And then you let go of that breath and it just all goes to the belly. And you're like, oh, that's good. I've definitely put on weight in lockdown. I've just been chilling and snacking. And oh my God, I'm hoping that after lockdown, I will lose this weight.

I've definitely put on some weight. But I think it's boredom, right? It's because I'm sat around at home, and I'm like, what do I do? And it's either play video games or go walk towards the kitchen for a little bit of exercise. And if I'm in the kitchen, I'm going to eat something. I don't know. It's like automatic.

I always either make a toasty or eat something. Also, I'm not being funny, but Mrs. F and the kids being home at lunchtime makes me have a proper lunch. We've had fish finger sandwiches. We've had chicken burgers. I'll at least have a sandwich. Normally, I will just have a banana or something like that.

Yeah, it's so short. That'll do me. I'll have that at about 11, 11.30, and that'll do me. I might have a snack in the afternoon, but then that's it. That's me till dinner time. And that was good. But now I'm having, sometimes Mrs. F, she'll be be like i'm making poached eggs for breakfast and i was like yes please we're so exactly and you already had like a croissant and like a fucking you know a banana

sandwich and some honey on toast already but you're like oh it's breakfast time now yeah second breakfast is a thing in this house like very much we much. We like that. It's a very... We live in Hobbiton. Second breakfast, yes. We definitely dine as hobbits. Tonight we dine as hobbits. I was watching... What was I watching? For some reason, I can't get this out of my head, okay?

I was watching this show on Amazon Prime because I finished watching Bosch, right? I've been watching a lot of shit. Yeah, that is shit. Bosch is pretty shit. I watched it and it was all right. And then i started watching goliath right which is like kind of like another it's like bosh is like a detective show with this

grizzled detective trying to you know he's solving like a case of like one murder but it turns out to be part of something much bigger okay right and then he uncovers this massive conspiracy or you know like some super drug thing all this radioactive like you know isotopes missed or something weird okay and far too ridiculous anyway goliath's sort of similar goliath is similar but the detective is an actual giant well you know he's a lawyer he's billy bob thornton um as a lawyer and he's super fucking weird and it's just a weird show but there was this but there's these sometimes these amazing episodes and i don't want to spoil any but there's this one episode where they're on this almond plantation you know how these almonds look right if you've seen you've

seen them they just stretch on for forever um in the california valley and they use like you know so much water yeah that's terrible it's crazy they have these machines that drive along them and shake the trees and they shake the tree to like drop all the almonds off and i've always thought in my head what would happen if somebody got shaken up by one of those shaky machines right in my head like the first time i saw so i was almost like i you know when you see like a wood chipper right you know someone's going to that wood chipper right or like the also like the mech suit from ripley alien you know when she fights the alien with that um it's always like i always

think of how you could use like these kind of i don't know it's just a it's like like steamrollers you know i've seen someone get flattened by a steamroller on telly. I've never seen anyone until now got shaken by an almond tree shaker. I just mentioned this machine. Look at this thing. I know, it's nuts. And look at the almonds go flying. It's nuts. Anyway, there's this scene in it where a woman is standing by an almond tree

and someone drives a shaker thing up to her traps her against the tree and shakes her and the tree together and that's amazing it's so stupid but i've not been able to get out of my mind all week for some reason i just had to tell you about it because it was so fucking weird he's been hanging on to that one he just like yeah there's this other episode in the series because it's kind of crap but one of the episodes is like he basically just wakes up with no memory of where he is in this weird house and um it's not really a spoiler but it sort of turns out that he's um you know they're trying to keep him there because they're not sure what they're going to do with him right so these sort of these sort of cartel guys have got him in this house and they don't know whether they're trying to keep him there because they're not sure what they're going to do with him, right? So these sort of cartel guys have got him in this house

and they don't know whether they're going to get the order from above to bump him off or not, right? And so it's kind of like this temporary halfway house. So he's got like outside the back door is a guy with a submachine gun, outside the front door is a guy with a submachine gun, inside are like three guys and three other people who are also in limbo with him. You know, they don't know whether they're going to be ordered to be bumped off or not and so he kind of has to like

like kind of go through this sort of because he's like just just billy bob thornton right he's basically a kind of a skinny looking sketchy guy do you mean like like i think billy bob thornton had some problems with anorexia in his in his early life like almost like he just didn't eat for some reason and he got very thin and i think he drank a lot anyway he's kind of a weird guy and he plays kind of a weird guy and so he's not like a superhero or a guy who can like wield a gun and so he has to kind of come up with this elaborate sort of plan to get out of it but then he does just go full superhero just like the hell oh it's great he convinces this like woman that he gets stuck in there with to like seduce this guy and then then like stab him in the balls it's just nuts oh and

i just i just i just it was one episode of this this series i just thought was great so i don't know it turns out i am recommending this show to you. Goliath on Amazon Prime. Go for it. Why not? Didn't you just say that it wasn't good and now you're saying that I should watch it? Sometimes, it's like Star Trek though. I love Star Trek, but half the episodes are crap. Yeah, definitely. But sometimes it's worth watching just for the good ones when they come along. They stick with you. This is the central problem with any American TV series. No offense to Americans, and I know I've seen on Reddit, every time come along you know yeah i mean with you it's the this is the central problem with any american tv series no offense to americans and i know i've seen on reddit every time perry talks about america he's wrong well no i'm not wrong because here's an example you guys make tv shows that

have like 117 episodes per series half of them are going to be shite at least star trek next generation didn't need to be 26 episodes per season, because guess what happens? 14 of them is shit. A few of them are okay, and then there's like four or five really good ones. Why don't you just make six or eight really good ones? How about that?

I think maybe, though, it's a case of just shotgun effect, of if you make 26, four of them are good. If you only make four, only one of them were good. I feel like sometimes they don't know if it's going to be good or not until it's done. No, no, no.

Maybe? It's because people will watch anything. And they know that if they want to go to a network and say, we've got a new TV series for you.

It's called The Next Generation. Star Trek, The Next Generation. We're going to need X million dollars to make it and we're going to deliver you 27 episodes. You'll be able to fill up half of the

fucking schedule, half a year's worth of schedule with this and think about the reruns and they're like, yeah that sounds great we can stick that on on Thursdays, we've got a slot open there, it's much easier to just pump out mediocre stuff like Bosh, right? 30 episodes a season or whatever do you know what the most

successful tv show of all time is this will blow your mind time fell ncis oh oh shit right that is huge it's the most syndicated show there's like a billion episodes it's been going forever it is garbage it's garbage of garbage of the worst kind. It's just pure filler. And it's everywhere. So that's what they care about. That's why. It's nothing to do with, oh, we thought we could make this many good episodes.

No. It's just money. God damn it. Always money. God damn it. The other thing I watched this week was, bizarrely, a chess puzzle that popped up on YouTube. Tell me. Oh, that's the chess alarm go on uh and

so it's like basically like this guy came up with a chess puzzle about 30 years ago and it's really fucking hard like so basically the idea of the puzzle is you should see if you can i'll find see if i can find it i'm gonna see if i can find let's look because i've been playing chess quite a bit lately as you know yeah we were talking about it last week as well. But I've been watching YouTube videos on it. I'll see if I can find it. But it's like a kind of complicated chess puzzle. There's loads of them out there. Oh, I can see it.

This one was like, so, you know, white is supposed to win. Okay, the idea is that white wins. So I was watching this video and the guy was like, if you want to pause this video now and solve it yourself, go ahead. Right. It usually takes people about two months to solve but it's really fun to do and it's like a really long project and i was like two months and he was like i'll give you 30 seconds so he just sort of stood there looking at the camera for 30 seconds and then he went oh so if you've come back well done like who is coming back to this video two months later

to, like, get the solution to this thing? Anyway, he basically explained that unless someone had uploaded the solution to these chess engines, most chess engines can't actually solve this puzzle because it's like 40 or 50 moves you have to solve, right? And it involves this incredibly complicated dance around the board, but every move makes sense. So for example, every single move you will lose if you make the wrong move, you see. So you kind of have to

reason out this process where it's like, okay, out of all of these different moves, this is the only one I can make or else I lose, right? Because this happens and this happens. And so it takes ages. It's kind of this incredibly, it's like doing a jigsaw puzzle, you know, that takes you, you know, weeks to do. Right. Because you just have to manually go through each move one by one and go down that, like, chain of events that causes by that move

and realize that one fails. And then go to the next chain of events. Because there's almost, like, only one way to do it to do it and so apparently like a lot of grandmasters struggled with it but one of the bits at the end that blew my mind was at the end there's this like dance move where you have to move your bishop around like 20 different places on the board so it's like you go here and then they go back and then you go here then they go there and you go around and at one point black has like four knights on the board, right? Because they've been able to move their pawn to the end of the board.

Right, right. But they can't use a queen to stop you. They have to use a knight to stop your bishop. So they've got four knights going around the board. As soon as you... The way knights move in chess is pretty complicated anyway, right? For someone... Because you're like, okay,

that L-shaped move is weird to get in your brain, especially just to see what squares they can cover at a glance if they move. It's one of the more, I think, more difficult things that I never really was able to just get in my head. But I was just enthralled. There's no way I could solve that puzzle myself ever. But I was just enthralled. There's no way I could solve that puzzle myself ever. But I was just amazed by it. I've noticed Magnus Carlsen started streaming on Twitch.

And he's the most famous chess player in the world at the moment, for sure. And he's generally considered the best. I watched him streaming. I was so refreshed by his style of streaming because it was like like i like to think of myself as not being the kind of person who's like don't forget to like and subscribe oh thanks for the bits and all that kind of stuff like i generally don't sort of do that so much he takes that to the next level he says oh apparently i was raided whatever whatever it's like i love that like that's so nice it's naive it's very limmy it's very um but it wasn't it wasn't even knowing he literally doesn't care

like the dude just did not care it wasn't an act he just said apparently i'd been raided sigh whatever i was like wow oh you may hear some drilling oh god yeah i just heard it yeah i wish somebody was doing that to my ear and mouth right now does it feel like they are anyway it's like some pressure release or something i think like it's sore as fuck crazy eh so what's also interesting is the music that these lads listen to is not what you'd expect it's a bit like they got a classical music station but for sort of easy listening jazz right there go to channel like it's not it's not what you would expect it sounds a bit like it sounds like very elevator music it sounds like something out of twin peaks you know like yeah it's weird crew of russians

just like all of a sudden turning up in a place where you don't normally see very many Russians listening to elevator music. There are actually lots of Russians in this area. In Richmond there's loads of them. I was just trying to hammer a point. Trying to set the mood. Trying to set the stage. You don't need all your technicalities Flax. Sorry.

It's normally Radio 1 that they would listen to. I would expect that or KISS. KISS FM, very popular. Anything with banging tunes. I remember when we were having the work done on the house It's normally Radio 1 that they would listen to, right? I would expect that, or KISS, KISS FM, very popular. Yeah. Anything with banging tunes. I remember when we were having the work done on the house, we were having the kitchen done, the lads, they got, I don't know where they get it,

but all the builders that I've ever had working for extended periods come with a special rugged radio. It's like a radio in a roll cage. It looks like a roll cage for an off-road vehicle. It's really popular for builders to have a radio like that because they get knocked around right i guess they do get knocked off these things look expensive and i'm thinking a radio you know you can get a little shitty radio no problem but they've got this it looks like they they want to use it as well to like prop up a foundation or something

just in case this thing is huge and they would have that on and there was a channel that i don't know what channel they listen to but they if the if a real banger came on they'd be like oh mate banger alert way and they'd be they were so happy i was like yeah i guess if you're doing a job like that which is kind of monotonous my wife putting in you know plasterboard or whatever my wife was laughing the other day because um we were watching tv or something came up somehow where um in in the 90s it was very popular in the uk for people to say that something was quality like quality oh right and like i i remember that being like fairly popular so you don't hear it that much anymore these days i don't i guess they've just replaced it with something else or whatever quality tune yeah i still say it sometimes

i i rarely hear people say it like it's always like cheeky nando that's a quality yeah yeah that's it yeah like quality like i say we bring it back let's revive it would be easy enough let's look at a thesaurus all right let's get off get our thesaurus up here. Let's bring it back. We're going to be able to find out what the next hit words are going to be. All right, so let's look at quality. Because people always generally like to have a word that's like quality. Yeah. So here we go.

Mint is the one. Mint is a famous one. That's been a famous one already. Oh, mate. Oh, wait, no. Quality, I need a different value and status. Okay. So these are all synonyms superbeness oh mate that

is preeminence preeminence yeah i could hear i could see that i could see preeminence yeah caliber oh mate caliber i could see that one may be working not not repute repute you know well i tell you what people are saying now they're saying meta oh that's that's that is a meta i notice a lot of people are throwing around the term simp like crazy these days as well like it's become the new boomer yeah everybody's funny though it is pretty funny yeah but uh it's it's amazing how these things sort of catch on and just become so widely i mean this is like this is twitch to be fair but you know what i mean like whereas before you just see people every everyone was a boomer everything was about a boomer or

whatever now it's now it's all simps it's just it's just transition now now now we only only want to call out for people for being simps we don't mind boomers anymore it's just simps now yeah all right so here's another one here's another one right you know the way it's quite common in uh in slang sorry i've had a i've had a cough this morning yeah is it like uh is it persistent i haven't noticed i'm sorry i can't help it is it is it very very like a persistent cough it's just when i go i don't get hay fever but when i go out in the morning yeah um a lot of the pollen any fever it makes me sneeze and cough no sweating a little bit no all right just going through my checklist you guys have to have that app soon too don't you or you have to like i mean you guys you live in vaguely the same country as us i know i don't

think we're going to be getting the app somehow though anyway anyway you know the way sometimes that that if you want to say something is good you'll use the antonym for that like bad that was the one in the 80s right yeah oh yeah that's bad so i'm thinking michael jackson if something is really really good you could say mate that is normal rather than exceptional you just say oh that's so average oh that is dull mate that is pure dull. Because peak is one that you hear quite a lot. And it can mean good or bad. Peakers. No, peak.

Peak. That is peak. Oh, it's peak, P-flex. And when they say there's bare people here, it can mean there's a lot of people here. Right? So you can say... Bare people. Yeah, bare.

Like centaurs, but with bare parts. No. B-A-R-E, you clown. Naked people. Oh's oh mate that is facile you could use that one facile oh you sound like a professor you sound like a like uh like uh somebody from um from that show like the only way is is essex has become a professor and is then no you sound like you sound like a chavvy chess player. Oh, mate, that move is facile.

That chess puzzle is sin. Oh, here's a good one. Here's a good one. Lambent. Have you ever heard this word? Lambent. It means radiant and beautiful. Mate, that is pure lambent.

Beautiful. Lambent. What about a new term for, like, owned? Because that's been around way too long, right? All right. Owning somebody on the net or whatever. We need a new term for like owned? Because that's been around way too long, right? Owning somebody on the net or whatever. We need a new term for that. Let's look for victory. So we've got sweep.

Sweep. What about owned? What about enslaved? Oh, wow. All right, let's hope. You is enslaved. You enslaved him, mate. I don't know.

Synonyms for enslaved. Mate, you've been disenfranchised whoa that's pretty good that's i'm pretty sure that that's been used before disenfranchised like i'm sure i heard that like in a madden game or like uh like a hockey game or something you're like mate you get yoked which means you've been enslaved get yoked oh get get immured to immure you are pure indentured now that works oh that works yeah yeah that is a good one yeah yeah that actually works pretty well do you reckon that the guys that the guys and gals that come up with this stuff, I reckon they're just on a fucking thesaurus website. Yeah.

I don't know how stuff catches on, though. It's weird, isn't it? I reckon you're right. It's like rappers and songwriters who are looking for rhymes and they find something and they're like, you know, we're going on a financial adventure. You're going to be indentured. Do you know what I mean?

There you go. They look, they make these things, and then they go into the public vocabulary from there. You take him to one Ghostface show, and now all of a sudden he's just like fucking rapping Ronnie Reagan here with his big words. I'm an expert. I understand how it works.

They're influential. We could have gone to see the GZA, but you know, remember I sent you an email saying, let's go see the GZA who is playing at the same venue as Ghostface. You have to be careful when you book him up as well, because you can, there's some other places. There's the Gentleman's Club next door. Yeah, that you could accidentally. No, but good thing I didn't book. I was being really lazy getting around to it, but the lockdown started a week before that show would have started. So that would have been, we would have been fucked. We wouldn't have been able to go.

Yeah, I was supposed to be on holiday this week. We would have lost all our money on the jizza, which is weird. Yeah. I can't imagine being on holiday right now, going to restaurants and kind of, I don't know, being in a hotel, I guess. Yeah, I think things are relaxing a little bit now. Stuff is opening again. Like over here, restaurants, if you eat outside, are open cafes to eat outside.

You could take away stuff. Yeah. You could take away and sit in a park. My wife went to town with my kids yesterday. And they went to a toy store that was open and stuff. Like there's... Things are sort of. Wow. Gradually sort of becoming somewhat normal again. Were they a bit deprived of toys?

Your kids? No, not really. It's the outing, isn't it? Right. They've been just cooped up for like two months. And I think it's just nice for them that, you know, they just want to. Kids are very sort of like. You can't sit them in front of a screen and show them stuff.

Like they find it interesting enough, but they want to touch stuff they want to look at things like you know what i mean it's just it's a it's a bit of an outing for them right so it's like it was nice for them to to to be able to actually go to a store and just have a look around and they got some cakes in town and stuff like that so it's it's nice like we're still locked down like i still can't they still can't see like their grandparents still can't like really do a lot of things but at least some things are going back to normal it's been it's been all right yeah it's weird i don't know yeah i don't know it's just a weird time isn't it we never so it's turned out so differently to how we thought it worked as well i think think. But relatively, well, serious, but also there's no panic.

People aren't looting and going crazy, are they? No, I think we're all fed up, especially with... Everyone's just bored. I don't want to get political because this is not a political podcast at all. But I don't care what side you're on. If you look at what Dominic Cummings did, it's infuriating because we've all, I think, I've generally not noticed that many people fucking around and not following the rules. And when we are told not to break the rules and we don't break the rules because we're

being civically minded, I think that's laudable. I don't think it's something to say, oh, well, you're just giving up your freedom now to try not to spread a virus. Oh, what's wrong with you? Well, Dominic Cummings didn't give a shit, did he? And he makes the whole thing look like a fucking joke. given up your freedom now to try not to spread a virus oh what's wrong with you well dominic cummings didn't give a shit did he and he makes the whole thing look like a fucking joke so that's what pisses me off yeah i think a lot of people share that sentiment i think yeah of course that's what i'm saying it's not political and the fact that emily mattis or mattless whatever her name

is she started this news show on the bbc saying uh like it was a rundown of how pissed off everybody knows and what happened and they're saying all this broken partiality rules i don't believe it did i think that was the national sentiment and i think the bbc as the national broadcaster should reflect that i don't think you'll find many counterpoints michael gove who they wheeled out of his fucking shed somewhere to argue that it was all right did did the worst job ever. He basically ummed and ahed and said, yeah, I drive sometimes to check my eyesight. He's like, fuck off.

We all know you're lying. It's bullshit. That's a joke of a response. You drive to check your eyesight. That's what they claimed. They said, why did you drive? He said, oh, I had to make sure my eyesight was safe to drive. By driving.

By driving. That's ridiculous. Does he also check whether the hob is hot by thrusting his hand on it? Go, yeah, I'm burning now. That is hot. No. I mean, in fairness to him, if you are going to risk yours and other people's lives by testing your eyesight while driving,

the best time to do it is when everybody else is locked down and the roads are free. Right? So then you just kill your fucking self and not anyone else by being an idiot. When I went to get my glasses, you know, they were like, oh, yeah. What are you going to do? Have you got a car with you? We're just going to drive around for a bit, see how it is, and then let us know. If you hit anything.

And then we'll get you sorted. Yeah, then you probably do need space. Most people would just sort of look out a window and say, hey, can you see that bird over there? That's far away. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I can see it. You can even get your partner or someone to hold a piece of paper up at a distance and you could try reading it you fucking clown oh i'm so furious in other news uh one of the things i've been doing in the

afternoon after i finished streaming mrs f is working she's in she's in the she set up a little office in our in our room and uh i'll lie on the bed and and if she's not busy i'll chat to her and keep her keep her company okay things i like to do is put shit telly on right and so i like the idea that you're like a teenage girl right lying on your bed because i have to be a girl like yeah go on put my gym james like staring at your wife and like maybe maybe on your phone maybe writing notes in your diary spy notes just just spying on her that's what you're doing you know you are such a strange person lewis that even very simple social interactions to you either have some sinister or for some reason gender

reversed you always do this like when we did the we did we went down and did the bunker challenge thing you said that you were like my daughter why do you always flip it you always flip it in your mind i feel like you treat me that way sometimes it's funny because in real life you know you see how young and stupid and naive i am so you think you must be a woman see it just comes down to me like i'm six well if you didn't talk shit we wouldn't have to i would just say it's true it's fine i don't mind i know i just like the idea of you lying on your bed staring like like like like wet eyed at your wife while she's like she's like hanging the washing up but she's like you're gonna help i don't know occasionally i don't know why this is flax but when you describe certain things that you're doing i always imagine you know like uh

you know like that the funny detailed close-up art they used to use in ren and stimpy you know like with you know people like with their eyes wide open but you can see all the fucking lines in their eyes and shit i had one of those moments when you described that i could just see you like with this like really exaggerated face laying on your bed like talking to your wife but like with one of those Ren and Stimpy fucking close-up pictures and I'd be talking the way Ren did hey hey Ren you know yeah yeah I don't know why I don't get that with a lot of people but like very occasionally when you describe something I don't know i think you kind of remind me you look like one of the characters from ren and stimpy i think he was like a hunter guy or something but

like especially when you do like your your sort of gruff like american dad sort of voice um that's he was the drill instructor guy that's right yeah yeah i don't know why you remind me of him sometimes i love that character so the whole ren and Stimpy thing just comes flooding back every once in a while. I love that show so much when I was a kid. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah. I was watching it a little bit on stream like a couple of months ago. I didn't have anything like to play or whatever.

And I was just watching old 80s and 90s stuff. I was watching some Beavis and Butthead, which is really funny. Oh, yeah. I remember you saying about the Beavis and Butthead. And Ren and Stimpy I was watching some beavis and butthead which is really fun yeah i remember you saying and uh and ren and stimpy i was watching like the first two seasons i think of ren and stimpy are amazing like before before it got like nickelodeonized yeah it really did take a big downswing lewis um i just wanted to say i you know i do respect you greatly as a person no of course of course and i'm only joking like no no i won't even but i just sometimes it's like the same as soups like i just get this just you say something it's totally innocent

you know but it just sounds weird do i have to go and you're like you're lying on your bed staring at your wife while she's doing housework no no she's not doing housework she has a job lewis such the sexism is so ingrained in you it just comes a coal miner a modern day coal miner she's got the coal face in she's got the coal face say she's got the coal face in my bedroom day and night in the bedroom on a laptop how is that gonna help how are you helping your wife work she's indentured mate she's indentured mate she's pure indentured the here's the thing she has a real job, right? Not like me and not like Sips.

And dare I say it, not like you. She has a job where she has an employer that she has to do this and they're always calling her. A boss, exactly. You know, it's a tedious job sometimes. She's got to wait for some data process or she's doing something mind-numbing. And she's just in there on her own. So I go in there in the afternoon. We'll hang out and we'll chat and stuff. And I normally put the telly on.

She loves Location, Location, Location, for example. Great show. I love Kirsty also on that, so I'm happy to watch. And we're sort of chilling out. Because it's daytime, you're meant to be an old person if you're watching telly during the daytime. So the ads are always very specific. Shoes, chairs, mattresses.

Oh, does your ear hurt? Have you been cleaning out your shed and is your ear giving you a jip? Well, try new eardrops. Oh, they're indentured, mate. They'll really sort you out. On the topic of eardrops, though, I put some olive oil in my ear the other day. My wife was like, you know, olive oil is really good for your ear. I was like, I'm not putting olive oil in my ear.

You put it in kids' ears when they get an ear infection. And she's like, no, trust me, it's really good. And I was like, all right. So she put a fucking ton of olive oil in my ear and I thought, I'll wait for it. It's going to get like all fucking sticky in there. Put a bit of vinegar in there, a bit of salt and pepper. More spiders than usual are going to go move in there and stuff. The Italian spiders.

Hey, olive oil in your ear. Delicious. It's actually really good. I highly recommend it. Just some fucking olive oil. It does. Yeah, it does. It does wonders. Here are the adverts tell you tell me whether you

would want to buy this okay all right this is a pair of shoes you can buy them as a pair me and mrs f of course said we have to get matching pairs of of shoes they've got a special curved sole they're huge if you do you remember that old meme video what are those like that do you remember that video yeah the police officer in that had these massive clumping shoes they're literally they look like that and in the advert they always have middle-aged or younger people walking around wearing them saying hey you can feel like me if you wear these shoes but they're obviously for old people whose whose feet are so fucked up at the in their 70s that they have to have massive comfort shoes and now let's say the after they've been for a walk now they want to sit down.

Well, you can't just sit on any old chair. You need the egg seat, which is a seat that is like this rubber cushion that you put on a seat, and you could put an egg on there and sit on the egg, and the egg won't crack, according to the advert. And they have these ladies sitting on the egg and going, oh my God, the egg didn't break.

That was the other one. Now, end of the day comes around. You've been walking, you've been been sitting better get a special mattress and they've got these it's literally a run of adverts every ad break the same shoes mattress cushion and then they'll have an ad for caniston uh for people who've got thrush then i'll have something to do with hearing aids i just thought old people get bombarded with advertising more than young people do. My vagina hurts. It's so targeted. I was appalled. And it stinks. Well, it's because old people can't get away from it, I guess.

They just don't know how. I don't feel like advertising. They don't know how to watch TV anywhere else, right? They don't have Netflix, do they? I don't feel like advertising works on me. I never see something and think, oh, that looks good. I'm going to go get that or whatever. Certainly not television advertising.

If there's a movie trailer, I'll be like, oh, cool be like oh cool that's out sure but yeah when was the last time you saw an advert for something and i literally thought products never i'm never swayed by ads to buy products like i barely buy any products really like like if i have to buy something usually i'll just like you know if i have to buy like medicine or some shit like that i'll usually just sort of seek out something that i'm somewhat familiar with like something that maybe my mom used to buy or that we we've had in the house before something like that you know what i mean right but i would never just like watch an ad and be like oh yeah that sounds great washing machines live longer with this stuff oh wow you know what i

mean like i would never um i think i think advertising for me just uh makes me more familiar with stuff like sometimes i'll see like calgon in the store and be like oh look it's calgon but i i think that's generally but i think that's generally their intention like it's not it's very hard to tell people by this. Yeah, yeah. It's mainly just about raising the profile and just saying, hey, here's our name. We're putting it out there and we're telling you what we do. And then when you go to the supermarket, you go, we need something to clean the dishwasher.

Oh, this Calgon stuff. And you don't even connect the fact, oh, just like in the advert. It's just that you know what it is and what it does. Yeah. And I guess that's half the battle. I'm thinking about it. is and what it does yeah and i guess that's half the i'm thinking about it i think the only time i would ever really even consider getting something like that is if i if i was in like a foreign country and i needed something like calgon yes and they just had a whole bunch of like brands

that i didn't recognize but then i saw calgon i'd be like oh okay i'll just get some calgon like this one time or whatever yes maybe that's part of it maybe so maybe i am being duped i just don't realize it god damn god damn it like they got me guys they got me now we're just talking about calgon we should get some money out of the calgon guys yeah we should yeah oh that would be ideal segue into a calgon ad what else have you guys done this week i made uh made some adjustments to my my murder factory in fallout okay it's been pretty fun i played car mechanic simulator 2018 did you like it i actually did i played it for like six hours straight yeah it's fucking nice it's really fun yeah the only problem is i found i felt like eventually it did get quite repetitive and the car

didn't have enough bits that were interesting enough to fix like a lot of the time you literally just look for the rusty bit yeah take it off there wasn't really much analysis and sort of like what's the problem here it wasn't like puzzly enough it was more just time passing if you want uh if you want something a bit more in depth i recommend uh my summer car it was a great game fuck, it's so good. Because I played Landlord Super. I played that, which was, it was fun. I haven't gotten around to that yet. Very much, very evocative of 80s shit Britain.

It's quite simple at the moment, but it was fun. Building the house, it is a challenging game. Like it is going to test your patience at times, but it was fun. Good. I washed a lot of dishes. You wash dishes, you get four quid an hour for washing dishes no way yeah but yeah so then you come you have to buy bricks and tools and i fucked up my foundations so that the concrete i poured was like the weakest concrete possible

oh no i don't know how to mix concrete unfortunately so yeah that was a problem um and i've been playing a lot of dota the new battle Pass came out for Dota. There's no TI this year. It's been canned because of the coronavirus. Oh, the whole thing's been canned. Holy shit. But the Battle Pass still came out. Right. And it's really good.

It's a really good Battle Pass. So I've been playing a lot of Dota because of that. To make up for the fact that there's no TI, I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're going to do another Battle Pass next year for the other TI. So this will be like the prize pool will be fucking massive. It'll be two TI's worth of prize pools yeah um in one so i assume that the following year will be the first year that the price pool is actually lower than it was the year before so that's going to be newsworthy but with an asterisk

obviously you see that they're redoing uh artifact they're trying again yeah yeah yeah yeah no i don't know if i think i'm kind of done with card games i don't know i'm just sort of like i i'm not feeling them you know i just not it's just meh feel like i got chess now buddy i got chess oh yeah you've been playing chess yeah i don't know like i've just been playing fallout which i've enjoyed but i i've gone down the sort of rabbit i've been playing like uh fallout 76 like casually on the side which has been pretty fun right um and but i've been reading about a lot of like vaults and like the older games and so i've just been down this like this on this like fallout trip which has been really nice

actually i really love the the fallout world so nice to be like uh fully engrossed in it once again yeah um luis don't you have a stream now well there you go that was that was Chuckles for today thank you everybody Jesus have a great week stay safe stay alert stay alert

stay safe look after yourselves yeah we care about you guys yeah thanks for all the support and yeah cheers everyone

have a good one bye goodbye