Triforce! - Triforce! #133: James Bong

Episode Date: July 1, 2020

Triforce! Episode 133! Who's going to be the next James Bond? Who is sports personality of the year? Is everyone in Bristol drinking piss? Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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things off. Sorry, no intro today. This is important. The next season of The Apprentice has been cancelled because of COVID. Yes cancelled yes oh that's good news that is good news are you at the dentist pflax it's like high pitch i'm trying to let me look out my window hold on all right somebody's trying to drill pflax's bad opinions out of this they'll be there for a while it's it's coming from a few houses down it's not coming it's coming from inside the house it's not it sounds. It's coming from inside the house.

It's not. It sounds like it's coming from inside the house. No, someone's just doing some drilling. A high-wining drill, like a dentist one. It does. Normally, drilling to me is like, you go through the bit of wood or whatever, but this is not stopping.

As you can hear, this is very constant, very long, very one solid drilling. So I don't know what is being drilled. Lewis, sorry, you can do the intro now, sorry. You know, it might be a sander. That's the kind of- What's wrong with, so let's stick to The Apprentice. Is Alan Sugar still presented?

Is that his only job now? Well, I don't think it's his only job, but I think- He's like such a shit version of such a british shit version of donald trump it does go to show the differences between america and britain though you know do you really think alan sugar could have become prime minister i'd see i could see it but i didn't think trump could become president either but there you go i know maybe there aren't that Maybe we're just the same.

I did. Got 9-1 down at Ladbrokes. Really? Yeah, I put a tenner on. Wow. Donald Trump. 9-1 on the night of the election. Can you believe those odds?

Jeez. It's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty good. I don't think... Didn't they rent out a really shitty area as well? They didn't expect to win. And Hillary had a whole stadium rented out. Yeah. Because they were...

Do you remember that? It was obvious. It was obvious he was going to win. hillary had like a whole stadium rented out yeah they were yeah but it was obvious it was obvious he was gonna win obvious obvious obvious like i i only put a tenner on because i i kind of thought if i put a thousand pounds on this and win it i'm gonna be delighted that he won like this was meant to be like a very small at least i won 100 quid like that was that was it and then for brexit i also put a ten on. Also got nine to one the night of the vote. Fuck. I mean, I don't know who at Ladbrokes is handling the fucking odds for this stuff, but they're idiots.

Well, they're novelty bets, though, aren't they? You're not allowed to bet that much on them. No, but at the same time, nine to one? Could you imagine if all the big London banks were margin-calling hedges on shitty novelty bets? Do you know what I mean? They're having a conference meeting meeting the ceos there and they're all in their suits in this business room and they're like okay listen up so margaret in big brother she is doing really terrible we're

gonna i reckon she's gonna be voted out next who's been following big brother you've got 901 901 on margaret it's like this crowd of guys. Landbrooks are offering 9 to 1. So go down there and make a $2 billion bet. Yeah, well, I mean, but the weird thing is that that's kind of, there must be a group of people somewhere whose job is to do exactly that, to sit around and think up what could be the outcome. Because they wouldn't offer the bet if they didn't think they'd make money on it. Like it wasn't like it was some promotion,

like a lot of these promotional bets where they say, if you bet on Liverpool to win, you're guaranteed a £20. It's like a promotional thing to get people in and placing bets and you hope that, although it's a lost leader,

they'll place other bets while they're in there. They didn't have adverts saying bet on Brexit. They just had the odds in the window. That's like nine to one. Are you serious? Like at best, it's 50 50 at very best but i'd said to my my my mate for years and years i said to him you know if we did vote to leave europe britain will vote out everybody fucking hates it like for some reason there's this idea amongst english people and especially that europe is holding us back like that's that's the way it is and they'll definitely

the brexit will definitely happen he was like i agree with you and i was like how does how do the bookies not see this they make a fortune they must be smarter than that they are probably not sips nine to one ah they made tons of money off of off of all those oh this is a great this is a great topic of conversation i love where we've gone already right okay i've gone to lad brooks novelty bets website okay uh who do you think what the latest odds on who will be the next james bond what are the what who are the i don't even know i mean this is the thing like i don't so tom hardy who's that tom tom what do you mean who's that who's tom hardy he's been in like every christopher nolan film like he was He was Bane in the Batman movie.

I never saw that one. Since I can't believe you haven't heard of me. Tom Hardy. You'll hear of me soon. He was Mad Max. Oh, is this the guy that, yeah, he was Mad Max, right? He was Mad Max, yeah. Okay.

Sorry, I recognize his face. I just didn't know his name. He's gorgeous. Tom Hiddleston. Have you heard of Tom Hiddleston? No. Loki in the Avengers movies, for example. Tom Hiddleston. Have you heard of Tom Hiddleston? No. Loki in the Avengers movies, for example.

Tom Hiddleston. So what's his odds? His odds are better than Tom Hardy's odds. Who the hell is this guy? Tom Hiddleston is five to one. Yeah. I think Idris Elba, I thought he was meant to be the favorite. For a while he was. Maybe he's dropped to like seven or eight to one because he might have said he's thinking

about it. But I would say he would be my front runner. It would be Idris Elba. Oh, no, it's not. It's Tom Hardy's hardy's eight isn't it going to be a woman wasn't the new bond i think they were saying it should be oh they were saying it should be joe lee anjanita joe lee has a hundred to one odds i don't think anybody really cares who the next bond is if you just announce it and everyone's like oh cool like people weren't sure when daniel craig was announced daniel craig is is that? And then in the end,

everybody really liked him as James Bond. It doesn't really matter. The movies need to be good. You need someone who's decent. But it's not like the Bond movies are defined by who it is. So the current favourite is a guy called James Norton, who has been in Happy Valley

and some other stuff, too. He's a very good actor. He's a good-looking man. He's a good chiseled jawline. What the well who do you who do you guys think you two can both guess someone for james bond and i'll see who is highest on the sips doesn't know anybody i would love to see play uh as james bond i'm gonna come clean with you guys I've never thought about this no who cares that's what I'm saying nobody cares

this is what the Triforce podcast is about Sips it's about expanding your horizons I prefer this to hearing about The Apprentice

name a celebrity maybe a famous Jersey celebrity with a big chiseled jawline who you think might be a good James Bond Matt Letizia

me? yeah Sips a famous Jersey celebrity with a chiseled jawline me? yeah nobody's asked me toips a famous jersey celebrity with a chiseled jawline yeah maybe who nobody's asked me to be you don't have a chiseled jawline you got a blamonge jawline oh man i got i got i got um i got tricked the other day um oh wait i'll tell you guys after though i but i got i got tricked i had like a an ego trip 16 to one who's 16 to 1 henry cavill 16 to 1 oh maddie would be very happy about

a mrs f loves henry cavill loves superman i never saw the movie but he was um i'm just trying to think who would be a good bond because they they would want to get somebody who's not um too old right like they want they want somebody yeah they want to be able to do four or five movies out of them as well yeah yeah they want they want somebody fresh i was gonna say maybe like something like russell crowe but he's pretty old now we can get russell crowe good day mate i'm 007 flaming license to kill no no just as an example because he turns up at the party around for a while right it doesn't really fit a lot lot of shalers here tonight. Better watch me. Like, no.

You couldn't have Russell Crowe. Right. So the other two favourites are, or three favourites are Sam Hugan, who is from Outlander. You know Outlander? Wait, Sam Hugan? Let's have a look. I haven't seen Outlander. Yeah, I recognise him. Sam Hugan. Aidan Turner, who's Poldark. I haven't seen Outlander. Yeah, I recognize him.

Sam Hugen. Aidan Turner, who's Poldark. You know, sexy British Poldark. Yeah, I can imagine that. All the housewives in Britain have been creaming themselves over him for the past year. Okay. And then the guy who plays Robb Stark as well, Richard Madden. He's on the list. Richard Madden.

Robb Stark from Game of Thrones. Oh, yeah, yeah yeah he was in a he was in he was in a in a bbc drama too right um what was it um he was like a bodyguard or something it should be james norton i think he he in happy valley he looks like doesn't he but also like his his in in in happy valley which is an incredible series. I love, I really enjoyed watching Happy Valley. So good. Oh, yeah, James Norton. He was in McMafia, right?

James Norton? Yes, he was. He reminded me of James Bond in that. He's got that, he's good looking, but he's menacing. That very sort of English way. But that's the thing, Bond should be menacing. He should not look like just a dishy guy who's charming and has a nice suit

and occasionally shoots people and has a cool car. He needs to be someone that is a fucking stone-cold killer. He's a fucking international assassin, essentially. What about Vinnie Jones for James Bond? Vinnie Jones? I recommend The Rock. The Rock. Get him in.

Well, actually, you say that, but... The Rock is not super far-fetched but i think he's gotta be shaven right bond's gotta be uh but gotta be english as well though right no no think of the most think of like the most famous james bond oh sean connery yeah a scotsman no sorry i mean i think i think james bond's got to be from the UK. Yeah, sure. I don't think that James Bond could be like American or Canadian or like you said, Australian or whatever. It wouldn't really work.

No, of course not. And they've got, what did they, North America's got like Jack Ryan and... Yeah, they've got Tom Cruise. We have James Bond, right? That's it. Yeah, I stay, what are the odds on vinnie jones for uh james bond zero zero he's not even on there of course not what the hell uh no he's not even on

the thousand people that i've got right do you think anyone would be dumb enough to hang an entire franchise but they could get paul gas going in all right i'm double or seven league i've got a laces to kill and I brought me fishing rod and a chicken just to try and tempt out Blofeld

like I think he's misunderstood Blofeld mate it's Gaza I mean it's Bond it's Gaza Bond I'm here like

to have a wee chat with you and I just think we could sort it out mate there's now now Dian and Town Lake

so let's just get a couple of titties and sit by the lake i know you've got a rocket hidden under there what about what about tim henman he'd be good for a bomb who where are we what are the odds of tim henman becoming zero right no it's not on the list. Why am I even searching this? All right. Wait. Here's one.

The guy who played Chewbacca in Star Wars. Very tall. What was his name? Peter Mayhew. Peter Mayhew. He's dead, isn't he? Is he? Chewbacca actor.

Yeah, it's Peter Mayhew. That's right. The guy who did C-3PO. He died last year. He died last year. Oh, that's terrible. So he will not be able to be the new Bond, sadly. C-3PO. Anthony Daniels. he can do the accent apparently a bit of

an arsehole oh i'm sure they're all arses they're actors aren't they for christ's sake that's true bond apparently is a bit of an arsehole so maybe it works bond is bond him like the character bond himself is yeah i think you have to be a bit of a sociopath don't you to be bond to be like a fucking killing seducing nutcase machine. Yeah. I wonder what it does to your ego. Like, I wonder if Daniel Craig was changed by the Bond role. Because if you think about how long it takes to shoot those movies,

Bond has to have this kind of cocky, arrogant, I'm the best, I care about cars and clothes and women and I just look cool and I just, you know and and i i've never failed i wonder if that changes a person so daniel craig goes into the bond movies he'd done things like munich and stuff like that he was really good in that he like i'd seen him in a lot of stuff and he's he's a good actor daniel craig and then he just does bond stuff for years and i wonder if that changes people i wonder if doing a few action roles where you get to be this superhero and you look at yourself on screen destroying everybody and so you know you have to do fight scenes where apparently you're unbeatable i wonder if that changes you mentally i wonder if you come out thinking yeah

i'm fucking amazing i think sometimes it does some people some people get into the role too much and it changes them and they think that they're somehow i i kind of i kind of don't know because i i saw some interviews with people from like um you know scrubs and france and things like this like over the lockdown like a bunch of people were watching their old stuff back right yeah um like zach braff where i was watching back the old scrubs episodes and he couldn't fucking remember any of them right and it was because they kind of i think recorded them piecemeal um so he turned up he had to read a page he went away he came back to work turned up read a page did a little scene he never really saw like he never really while making that stuff you know i'm sure james bond's the same you're sat there you're on set you're you're you're dressed up in your

suit you're sat around people bring your cup of tea you know you're a celebrity anyway people are all falling all over you can't fucking help it um but you probably see it at the premiere and that's it right like a lot of people like i haven't i never actually saw the entire film yeah like you see here actors say that a lot which always blows my mind because you think wouldn't you want to see how you did but i guess sometimes they never watched back the stuff they were in at all yeah they never had any conception of like what it looked like in the final cut because they weren't in all the scenes and they never had any conception of like what it looked like in the final cut because they weren't in all the scenes and they you know they weren't always there you know they weren't the director or the editor they were like they were someone who was on on and they obviously it was hidden from them too to some extent so they didn't like you know reveal stuff sometimes

actors only get like one page of the script you know and they to avoid them accidentally leaking it and stuff do you know what else might be a factor? Is you do the, what they call the initial shoot, right? The primary footage, right? They do that. That takes like eight weeks or whatever for the main shoot or three months or something. And then it takes like a year before the film's ready to come out. It takes fucking forever.

So you're working on another project at that point. And here's the thing. If I'm working on a a new film i have to do my promotional tour for the film and go around and say yeah it was great and say all the usual crap yeah about about how i was fantastic director i couldn't turn the script down and you know once i saw this character just leapt off the page of me and uh honestly we had a great team around us the director was fantastic and honestly the whole team you know it's like yeah we played up the pitch we played down the pitch we did 442 the manager was great the guys were great out there today we had we had two the game of yeah and then we kicked the ball what are the odds on steve mcfadden becoming the next uh james bond well as in uh phil mitchell yeah yeah are you still

hanging okay i can reopen the page. You closed it! I thought this was the game! I thought this was the game! No. Okay. The only person with Steve is Dan Stevens, and he's 100 to 1. 100 to 1.

Dan Stevens. What about Dan Harmon? He's from Downton Abbey. Dan Harmon, again, no, not on the list. Dan Stevens from Downton Abbey. Weirdly, no. Are you picking any one reasonable? I've got a list of like

a hundred fucking people here. What about Desperate Dan? Oh, he's not clean shaven, is he, Desperate Dan? Jeremy Corbyn's on there. Jeremy Corbyn? That would be the worst thing ever. Some people are betting on Jeremy Corbyn.

Oh my God. Do you know what? I cannot for the life of me think of somebody that I think would be a good Bond. Like, I don't know. I guess I just don't care enough about Bond. No, I mean...

Really likely names as well. There's people in the Ladbrokes offices whose job it is to put this fucking novelty thing together. Yeah, I would be terrible at that job. What other novelty bets are there? We're done with the Bond one. Well, thank God you're not being hired to do that job. Yeah, thank Christ.

Could you imagine if you went in on your first day? I would be a total catastrophic failure. Welcome, Mr. Lovitz, to Ladbrokes' central office. We're going to put you down. We're going to give you a computer here. Get yourself a drink. So your first job is to come up with the odds for who you think the BBC 2020 Sports Personality of the Year are.

Oh, God. Tim Henman. That's about the only one he knows tim henman andy murray oh i apple andy murray could could well maybe not anymore now though right well nobody's really who's the sports personality that you're going to be this year because nobody's really been able to do anything like well you know i well that should give you a little clue as to who's number one. This guy trained the hardest in his backyard. I think this is actually a really genius thing.

Who do you think might be Sports Pertinently of the Year? Think about the lockdown. Think about who's been doing exercise. Joe thingy. Joe Wicks, is that his name? Joe Wicks is third on the list. He's 12 to 1. Joe Wicks?

What the fuck? That's ridiculous. Who's higher than him? who's higher than him who's higher than him who's what about mr what about mr fantastic or whatever that guy's name is that you know he's on daytime tv do you mean mr motivator mr motivator yeah that was about 20 years ago dude he's back what time is this he's back where have you just come out of fucking time work out to mr motivators feel good moves bbc april 7th 2020 okay suck on that he's back he's gonna motivate you so no you can't quite got it but you both know who he is uh how about he was in his garden mr fantastic someone someone who's

sports person of the year who's been in his garden doing exercise I don't know anybody else raising awareness he's raising awareness for good causes I don't know I give up who's been raising money

for the NHS I don't know I give up like everybody has been old person oh that old dude that walked around his garden the 95 year old

that World War 2 vet yes Captain Tom. He is the favourite for Sports Personality of the Year. Fair play. Fair play on Captain Tom. He raised a fucking assload of money. Here's my problem with this.

The Sports Personality of the Year, who fucking cares? You're so right. Some people do, though. Enough people do. No, they don't. I don't think anybody actually cares i think what happens is it's a thing for the bbc to make a big deal about nobody gives a shit

i just think it's it's one of those things where there's no call for it people don't think we are crying out for a sports personality of the year without this we are lost we don't know who the key sports people are of the year without an award it lost we don't know who the key sports people are of the year without an award it's like it's ridiculous like you look at the audience it's just all other sports people it's like question of sport you ever watched question of sport yeah it's in like it's 50th fucking year or something like that terrible terrible show sport exists on the field the moment you leave the field i don't give shit. I don't want to hear your story. I don't want you to be given awards.

Some of their stories are very inspirational, though. Like, some of them overcome a tremendous amount of stuff to become top in their field of sport, right? They all do. I had to inject myself with steroids in my ass every day for four years then doctor told me the only place to put them was in me nuts well that gave us cause to ponder i had to ponder that one for a wee bit but i weighed it up and i thought nuts or success and i went with success luckily and that's why i want till to france yeah my balls are killing me so

i was sitting on that saddle for however long it was, two weeks, in knots of the size of fucking grapefruits. But it was worth it. And now I'm sports personality of the year for me giant balls. So what does it take to be? So it's sports personality. So maybe sometimes it's not even about how good you are at the sport. Yeah, it's about how much the public loved you that year.

It's about some of the good things that you've done in and around sport, but maybe not so much about how good you are at sport. Here's the thing with sports people, right? In order to become very, very good at a sport, that's all you've ever done. That's literally your life has been either running every day to try and get better at running, kicking a ball every day to try and get better at kicking a ball, playing rugby every day to get better at rugby, riding a bike every day to get better at riding a bike, and pushing yourself, and pushing everything else outside.

Now, obviously, I admire that level of dedication. And when these people get to the very top of their game, incredible. I love to watch. I watch sport. I watch football. I quite enjoy the Olympics. I'll even watch cricket occasionally.

I love baseball. But. I'll even watch cricket occasionally. I love baseball. But what I don't care about is the uplifting stories about overcoming shit. What I like is the stories about how fucking crazy some of these people are. That's the funny side

of off-field sport. Not the boring, he worked really hard and he got his... Boring. Same for everybody. They all fucking have to sacrifice their lives

to become amazing at this sport. It's not enough. What I like is the story is like they need to be funny and quirky secretly he's a spider in a human suit that's an interesting off the field story right right yeah and that would be revealed that would be incredible yeah i would i i think i'd be more interested in sports if there were more like that kind of stuff mutants mutants yeah yeah aliens masquerading as people to succeed at tennis that would be thrilling and i would watch the the unveiling every year they unveil one dark secret of the the sports person i'm actually uh a trans-dimensional being and i've won this wimbledon in 50 different dimensions at the same time though that is so outland like i would watch anything like i would i i would watch like uh like a like a nazi rally if i knew that that was going to

happen during it sort of still not gonna watch the baftas though are you let's be honest i mean come on nobody watches the baftas all the brit awards like if they said the brit awards this year we're going to unveil that miley cyrus is a a lizard i'd be like, still the Brits in there. I mean, who cares? Yeah, I know. Yeah. I mean, but it calls into question a lot of the stuff that we watch.

Like I think sometimes people watch things to be disappointed, right? Like because they want to, it's like almost like a relief or something. Like that's how I feel about Eurovision. Like I watch it because I don't like it which is kind of weird the horrible awful yeah i want to watch a you know a train wreck on tv sort of thing so you can bet on conor mcgregor you know him the um ufc fighter right yes i don't know who that is really Really? Right. Yeah, I don't. He's like a retired.

He's retired, right? But you can bet on him coming out of retirement. Right. Wait, what's this for? To host something? To become the sports personality of the year? No, you could just literally bet on McGregor announcing that he's coming out of retirement. He's going to come out of retirement.

That's the bet. Yeah. Fuck. You can bet on him appearing on I'm a Celebrity. Are there any other people that might come out of retirement that's the bet yeah fuck I can bet on him appearing on I'm a Celebrity are there any other people that might come out of retirement that you can bet on

or is that the only one is that like a category Stalin it is like a whole category Stalin is going to come out of retirement I am back I am back jeez

gives a press conference I can imagine that yes hello this is Stalin tremendous odds against, but you still managed to pull it out of the bag. Come back from the dead and also come back

to lead glorious workers' revolution by oppressing and murdering millions of people. I love the accent. I eat peschetti. How did you realize he was a vampire? I eat peschetti and come back from the dead. I come back from the dead. And come back from the dead. Did not see that coming.

Man of iron, that is me. I was man of bone because I was a skeleton for a while. But they found a way. Love finds a way. Lovely. Oh, my God. What are the odds on that? They're pretty low.

Fuck's sake. Pretty low. Fucking vampire Stalin. Now that's a bet I would love. I bet there's someone that's got all these novelty bets. Stalin comes back from dead. They've got 10,001. They've got a box full of these. If Stalin comes back, I've got him. They've got 10,001. They've got like a box full of these.

If Stalin comes back, I've got him, got Hitler as well, Pol Pot, got a lot of them, mate, just in case. You never know. You never know.

And I've got 10,001 on these. That's my retirement plan. Fuck's sake. So my mates, this is to completely change the subject, but I was shocked. One of them sent me a picture of a suzy

dent article she's that lass off countdown with the word smith i believe you'd call her and the article is entitled revenge of the baldy about time hairless people are treated with respect and i said finally and my mate said why do i rarely think of you as bald and i said i said i think because you're deranged like i am very bold and then one of my other mates we got like a little whatsapp group another one of my mates says i don't think if he was bold either odd yeah i was like what what the fuck is wrong with you how do you not think of me as bold i'm very bold like loads for many people that's my my my thing is being the bold guy i don't understand how they never see it but they don't really like think

about it much either. I wouldn't refer to you as a bald guy. Why not? Because there's so much more to you that is fascinating and interesting. And I love you. And just you being bald is just not even a contender to all the other great things about you. That's the nicest thing. That is the nicest thing.

Thank you. Can I borrow some money yeah the only reason i call you a bald asshole is because you call yourself a bald asshole you know listen the only it's what i'm allowed to say that because i'm bold you're not allowed you you flame me for being bold all the time lewis you know what you do it to yourself and i i get on board i think you maybe it's funny maybe when i do it it's secretly a cry for help did that even cross your mind that i'm actually secretly tormented about being bold and i hate it and i make light of it as a defense mechanism love the boldness you you weren't you you polished that i don't i don't give a shit luckily i don't give a shit think how like i've said before think how much money i save on shampoo

yeah hairbrushes combs time in the shower done my head is dry i don't barely need to towel it i give it a shake like a dog and there you go and i'm dry that's the that is the dream honestly like like cutting cutting time off like the really boring things that you have to do as is the way forward right like i i think i need to find more life hacks to cut facts i think i've been pretty good so far but i have to find more there's always room for improvement you know you know what my kids watch those life hacks videos sometimes they get into a youtube hole and they find life hacks videos right and they try them they inevitably try them right and they inevitably are a disaster because these life hacks are a fucking lie they're a lie i watched a really

funny video of this uh this lady she's like a chef and like a food scientist right and she dismantled all these supposed cooking hacks like one of them was how with a carton of milk you can make like a flan in the carton you just cut the top of the carton right you know you just open the carton add this this and this give it a shake put it in the microwave for a minute and it comes out and she cuts the end of the in the video they cut the end of it and out slides this perfect flan right and this guy tries it and of course it's a fucking disaster it basically just leaks out no it's just like it's like half cooked like you have to add an egg i think and the egg kind of scrambles in there and it was awful and that's kind of the thing with uh with microwaves though right like like

sometimes you cook something and it's like still cold on the inside and then the outside is like really really hot that's very typical of microwaves. However, I have, I know this is going to annoy you. I have a new microwave. I bought a new microwave. You know what, Flax? I've moved past it. Honestly, I'm a different man now. Okay.

Remember when Lewis was on like that big Buddhist trip where he was just like, you know, meditating and stuff like that? Yeah. I haven't done any of that. But mentally, i'm just in such a good place right now nothing okay nothing is nothing is bothering me like nothing trivial like a microwave being for boomers is really that's good to hear yeah because i got a new one and it's got something on it there's a mode on it called chaos defrost right wow it has the word chaos and i was excited. And there's a picture of what you could describe as chaos. Like there's all dots and sparks. And I was like, oh my God, that sounds terrifying.

And what it does is, the way a microwave works is, it makes the microwave beam and it's kind of static. And the idea is that the plate turns, but the beam is static, right? So the food is continually- It's like in a James Bond movie, where you've got James Bond on one of those metal tables. Who's playing James Bond in this one? Henry Cavill.

No, no, no, not Henry Cavill. Henry Cavill's groin would probably dismantle the laser because if the reports are true, also his leather chaps were destroyed by his groin whilst filming The Witcher as well. Apparently his groin was so powerful that it would constantly rip and tear up his leather trousers. I wonder who started that rumor. Henry Cavill did. Yeah. Just going to leak this one out onto the net. Every junket he had to do.

He was like, any problems on shooting? Well, one, my trousers couldn't actually contain my penis. It was, you know, I trousers couldn't actually contain my penis. It was... You know, I don't like to brag about it, apart from to the other hundred journalists I've told this story to. But it is a funny one. How does chaos defrost work? I'm still interested. Oh, apparently it just sort of...

It's like, instead of just being regular, the beams are going fucking wild in there. It's like... They're shooting lasers from all angles to defrost the food more evenly, rather than just trying, you know, you defrost the food more evenly rather than uh just trying you know you defrost it with the steady beam this is what the manual promises i haven't tried it yet but i will report back that does make sense why call it chaos defrost though that just sounds

like something you wouldn't want to see inside the operating manual for something that's going to be in your kitchen and help you cook food it does make it feel like a doomsday device which would appeal i would suggest to a younger crowd my mom would be terrified of pressing the chaos defrost button yeah some some 20 year old student is gonna fucking hammer that button chaos yeah he's late for his he's late for his class or whatever and he's just gonna do a chaos defrost yeah Yeah, he's got to chaos defrost it. If it's popular, you could do even more. You could put like a fucking nuclear meltdown mode.

It's like... Chernobyl mode. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, the Chernobyl setting. Yeah. Oh my God. You wear like a visor and just leave us like...

You put a baked potato in there and it's just a pile of black dust. You need a team of men in white suits with those little hats. Start the microwave now. Comrade, I'd like you to record in the log that you told me to defrost the lamb. Give me that fucking log. Start the microwave now. I've given you your orders. Comrade Dantloff, it's not safe to turn on the microwave.

It's got a metal teaspoon in there. I've been running microwaves for 30 years. You'll end up in curse. on the microwave. It's got a metal teaspoon in there. I've been running microwaves for 30 years. You'll end up in curse. Start the microwave. Fuck's sake. Cover it, microwave. Cover it, microwave. Nice, I like that.

Cover it, microwave. There's been an explosion. The meters have gone all... The settings are 3.14 minutes. That's not possible. An AEG microwave has never exploded. It's impossible. They'd have a court case. The start button increases heat.

The little glass plate reduces it. This is the delicate balance that takes place in a microwave. And when it works, it is beautiful. And it cooks your food without flame. Without smoke. microwave and when it works it is beautiful and it cooks your food without flame without smoke it powers entire cities as they get their ready meals cooked after they are hard days work but the men in charge of the chernobyl microwave made one fatal error they put tinfoil around the food before they placed it in there. Amateur hour. Amateur hour at Chernobyl microwave plant. You can't put tinfoil in a microwave. Please, a large comrade.

You can't put like, I remember one time I was at my friend's. We were really young. And his mom had these plates that had like a golden embroidery around them. And we put that in the microwave to heat up something. And there was like sparks and stuff everywhere. I mean, we didn't know but like it's yeah you can't right so you mustn't put metal in there you must not and anything that has no water content is I think kind of bad right okay I think if I remember right

like certain things will melt right um certain plates are not microwave safe they'll crack like there's all kinds of things you've got to be careful with but you know yeah you get to know just seeing the news about Bournemouth i spoke to my mom last night and uh she was talking about the amount of rubbish that's being left on on bournemouth beach i know i was talking about littering last week 12 tons of rubbish yeah 12 tons on one day in one day yeah because all the people that turned up just left everything exactly where they'd finished using just left it yeah well we've been locked down for three months we have a lot of polluting to do to make up for that time it feels like that like these these litterers are like oh fucking i haven't been

able to leave stuff everywhere for god i haven't littered in such a long time i need i gotta make up can we talk about last time those little metal fucking picnic barbecue things yeah you know i have a question okay if i if i turned up in the middle of uh that that park near the yogs offices what is that park was it queen's queen's queen's queen's man i went out there yesterday it was absolutely fucking roasting right i went out there at eight o'clock uh in the evening and my fucking god it was full of people right it was it was like a party nice it was not did you join if i turned up say lewis instead of with one of those little metal barbecues

with some wood and some kindling and a little makeshift metal stove like you know with the hook thing and you hang the pot over and maybe turn a piece of meat on a spindle thing yeah if i did that do you think the police would say you can't have a fire here in the middle of the fucking wait which ones are you talking about those disposable ones right can buy yeah like the little the tray with the what's the difference between that and me starting a fire with with anything else well those because they got those little mesh trays that are sort of like um you know you've they got the they've got the the tinfoilil tray that the coals are in. And then they've got that little mesh grill part that's sort of like attached in there. They're actually a little bit safer than having an open fire.

In what way? They don't seem to like scorch the ground either. They absolutely do. Are you mad? Have you not seen? Are people putting them on a little pedestal or something? No, they put them on the grass. Yeah, I don't know if you should necessarily put them right on the grass they do they started a fire in dorset they started

a fire where in forest almost burnt down yeah because of one of these little barbecue things well what is the difference legally speaking is that i'm perfectly allowed to use to start a fire as long as it's in a tiny metal tray that's basically a disposable piece of crap it's no better than the shit that ready meals come in it's the same fucking foil well people we want to eat their fucking knockoff cheap sausages that they bought from tesco valley and not like when we've when we've been to center parks that's like the you're meant to use those things as well that's disgraceful but they should be but all of the uh all the accommodation have like a little like barbecue pit behind them it's not a pit really it's like a it's like a bit of concrete

that's sort of like uh in a in a u-shape so you can put it in there it shields it from like wind and stuff like that and then you you barbecue your stuff and then you're meant to pour some water in to the uh to the tray to cool it down and then you dispose of it in like a there's there's like metal metal trash cans that you that you dispose of coals in and that's i think if people are going to a center parks there may be a little more considerate well maybe yeah sure but i mean the thing is like i think i think those things are probably still not that safe, but probably still safer than say somebody just like making their own bonfire wherever. But why do we now,

apparently everybody has to fucking have a barbecue in the middle of a park. When did this happen? When did this happen? Why is it suddenly now that nobody can just fucking have a picnic lunch. Now they've got to cook sausage. They have to, I must, it's not fair.

I have to be able to cook my sausages. to i i must it's not fair i have to be able to cook my sausages it's childish they should fucking ban them they're a hazard and they they fucking suck and i hate them yeah there you go i i think it's i think other people see other people doing it and they they that oh that's a cool idea we should do that and then you know there's always one guy isn't it by the way like so i've seen this thing lately a lot and i'm really confused as to why it's happening. And maybe it's a thing that I'm just not aware of. But loads and loads of people out on Queen Square,

just outside our office, are sitting around in separate groups. It's not like they're all one part of one big group. They're all in little separate groups of like two or three people. And they've got, almost all of them have a, you know those juice, like you buy apple juice in those sort of jugs right it looks like a milk like a pint of not pint like a liter and a liter and a half milk handle on it like the ones that sunny d sort of come in right they used to come in those sort of yeah but it's like see-through yeah okay and they all have these things with like a little bit like i'd say a third filled with what looks like apple

juice okay or piss they all have this so i walked around it was like i was in some sort of weird dream bongs they're water bongs what do you mean they're i mean you can make a really easy bong with those jugs i used to do it all the time what are you saying saying? Bong. Bong. B-O-N-G. James Bond. Smoke weed. Yes. Here's what you do, kids, all right? You take off the lid at the top. That's what you're going to breathe through.

You're huffing through that. You need a little tiny... You can use a straw if you want to. You have some water in there. The straw goes into the water. It has to be sticking up a little bit out. That's what allows air in. So when you're inhaling the weed, what's happening is the air is being sucked through that straw. Like you use a cigarette to burn a hole in the jug so that when you put the straw in,

it'll seal around it. It's got to be airtight and the water doesn't leak out, right? So then the hole in the straw, the air gets sucked through the water. So your air gets sucked through the water so your water your air is coming through the the water so when you like you're smoking through the water if you like so the smoke comes off the right the weed or whatever it is you're smoking it goes into the water is cool bubble through the water yeah so it's water filtered like you have a thumb hole at the top there so you could to make it airtight and you you have the little it's not a straw it's like it's like a little you need like a little a little lead with a with a platform with some foil on it you put the weed on there with tiny holes punched in it you burn that so you're holding the jug with one hand you've got your thumb over the the air hole you light the weed and then you

breathe in through the top of the milk jug now that's going to change the color of the water to this dank kind of smoky color because it's sucking weed juice through it that's why the water changes color i would assume i mean if it's not that i'm amazed but because that's the only thing it felt to me like it was like every other group of people had it next to bristol i was i expect they all smoke a shitload they all had their own ones i was just like why is everyone got a half liter of apple juice with them i just didn't understand if it's not that maybe it's something else. But what I'm saying is that's the first thing that sprung to mind,

is that's exactly what I used to use. Well, I thought maybe they'd all be... They would be out of, like... There's a few language schools and big things like this on the squares. There's a lot of conferences and things like that. Maybe it's more innocent than that, though. Maybe it's just little piss jugs. They could just be drinking each other's piss, you're right.

It could be little piss jugs. I just don't think I would sit outside on Queen Square down half a litre of apple juice and then just leave the bottom third there and everyone would have done that. Were these jugs sat next to them or were they holding them? Yeah, just sort of next to them on the... Well, then they're probably piss jugs.

No one was drinking from them. Then they're probably piss jugs. I thought you meant people were holding them in exchange. If they just sat there, it's just for the dudes to piss in. No, but women were having them as well. I don't think women are pissing in piss jugs. No, that would be tricky. It was a lot of women.

And I thought maybe they were diet shakes or some health food program. Can I try some of that? They were supposed to drink there. Fucking hell, there's almost no chance that that's going to drink there. Fucking hell, there's almost no chance that that's going to be good. You know, best case scenario, it's apple juice,

but worst case scenario, it's bong water or piss. Yeah. Fuck. Bong water's alright. I mean, Jesus harm us. It makes it much easier

to get high. You don't want to fucking drink bong water. No, you don't drink it. I don't want to drink piss either, jeez.

Well, exactly. That's what I'm saying. I'm not fucking... It's either bong water or piss. I don't want to drink bong water. I don't want to drink piss either, jeez. Well, exactly. That's what I'm saying. I'm not fucking... It's in the bong water on piss. I don't want to drink bong water. Bong water is all right. I don't want to drink bong water.

Good, sir. Can we have... Yeah, we'll have two pints of lager and a pint of bong water, please. And can somebody give me a hot glass of piss as well, please? A full pint of horse piss, please. Really hot. I want it hot. We don't have hot horse piss.

I can put it in the microwave oh chaos defrost nice god that would be a good song actually we could write a whole song about that chaos defrost my horse piss that's a good band name as well that's a good name for the episode uh thank you everybody for watching listening um we'll see you next week on triforce that was a good one i really enjoyed this one yeah that was We'll see you next week on Triforce. That was a good one. I really enjoyed this one. Yeah, that was fun.

See you guys later and thank you very much and goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.