Triforce! - Triforce! #138: Little Baby Tarquin

Episode Date: August 12, 2020

Triforce! Episode 138! Hey, you! Albert/Amos/Tarquin/Langston/Wilbur/Ralph/Birdie/Lucille/Sylvia/Trudy! We're calling out your outdated baby names! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Boom. Welcome back to the Triforce Podcast, everyone. Oh, it's lovely. Thank you for joining us. Thank you. Kazam! We're right off the back of a big talk about pooping last week. Yeah, we need to stay clear on that. It's a rabbit hole we don't need to revisit.

No, it's true. It's a groundhog. It's a little cresting groundhog we don't want to, you know, look into. It's a hole, a brown hole. We don't need to be anywhere near it. We don't need to go near it. Did you guys hear that beavers have been reintroduced to the UK? Did you know that?

Yeah. In 2014. When were they banned from the UK? Well, it was when the poll tax came in in the 80s they refused to pay right the poll tax right for their houses they eat polls of course or use them for their dams so taking advantage of council dams exactly so margaret thatcher booted them all out and then so in 2014 in devon some beavers just fucking rocked up they just turned up nobody knows where they came from right and they were like we got to get these american beavers out of here and some conservationist lads were like uh these are

european beavers so they're chill and they're like oh okay and they went and chatted to the farmers and the farmers were like you know this is going to cause problems because when they when they dam up a river it leads to like less drainage for the fields nearby and it floods and all the rest of it but there are also benefits they they in drought conditions the water table isn't as badly affected because there's always water hanging about in the beaver dams and they stop flooding from rivers and stuff like that like some good some bad um but interestingly the farmer union was like we need an exit strategy for these beavers and everybody else is like i don't know i like the idea of having beavers running around the country i'd love to see beavers building a dam in Britain. I like that the beavers are hanging out on the River Otter.

Yes, the River Otter. Which is very conveniently named. Well, you say that, but I suspect a coming war between the otters and the beavers. The otters will be, it'll be like the Falklands, you know. Benefits of beavers. Well, let's see. Beavers and the landscapes, they generate benefit, both people and life and wildlife, because they help to reduce downstream flooding. see beavers and the landscapes they generate benefit both people and life and wildlife because

they help to reduce downstream flooding the channels dams and wetland habitats that beavers create hold back water and release it more slowly after heavy rain they increase water retention they clean water wow yep yep it gets filtered by their dams it goes through the topsoil and it's they sort of filter about a bunch of impurities out. Beavers in Britain. The Eurasian beaver, Castor fiber, is a large herbivore, a mammal that was formerly native to these shores and once played an important part in our landscape from prehistoric times until it was hunted to extinction in the 16th century for its fur, meat and scent glands. Oh my God. What do you do with a beaver scent gland exactly?

Rub it on yourself and women find you irresistible. As long as they live in a river. They're kind of cute, aren't they, beavers? They are. I'm just looking at one right now. They are very, very big rodents, but they look really cute. This one's got a bunch of nipples, it looks like. Can you stop talking about beavers and nipples?

It's too early. They're big nipples though. I like nipples and I like beavers and nipples? It's too early. They're big nipples, though. I bet you. It's really doing something to me. I like nipples and I like beavers. What can I say? You could probably draw a lot of milk from those bad boys. Good lord.

Beaver milk. They are looking good. All right. Which animal would you rather drink the milk of? Would you rather drink dog milk, cat milk, or beaver milk? What's it going to be? Oh, man. none of those milks. You've got to drink one.

Why do I have to drink one? Or they're going to kill you. I'd rather die. You'd rather die. Yeah, I would, yeah. That's the old Sip's answer to those. Just kill me. That's fine.

Yeah. The fourth option is the punishment option. I'll take that. Come on, though, guys. Think about it. How are you going to get through the rest of your life knowing that you've drunk milk from the teat of a foreign animal that you have no business drinking from the teat of?

You don't have to suckle. All right? I'm not asking you to go up and suckle. Oh, okay. That's different then. Sorry, I thought you meant like I had to naturally go and draw milk right out of its rodent breast. No, they're going to produce it for you in a glass,

chilled it at your request. Right. You just got to neck it. Which is it going to be? For me, it's never going to be cat milk. Well, in that case, I don't give a fuck. Just give me the milk and give me the money and we're done. Yeah.

You know, I sent you that gourmet box of chocolate milkshakes last week. There was like three different flavors. Do you remember? Gourmet chocolate milkshakes. Yeah, I sent you that little set and you said they were all scrumptious well actually that was cat milk dog milk and beaver milk you've been drinking it the whole time oh my god you didn't even realize what about rat milk would you drink rat milk i don't think you'd fucking be able to tell i don't think these things probably taste particularly nasty no you know i don't think that

milk is this thing that the they want their babies to drink it and not like it's not like lemon juice is it do you know what i mean here's one for you cockroach milk i mean is that even a thing yes that is a thing that is a thing yes i don't want i don't want anything to do with cockroaches or any byproducts of cockroaches me and and cockroaches are are separate forever for eternity i don't want to be anywhere near them i don't want them anywhere near me and i don't want any of their products and i don't want them to touch any of my products we're we're separate there's enough room on this earth for both of us absolutely awful doesn't it yeah that really sounds like the worst thing didn't you didn't you used to do the would you rather game at school a lot like that was a big thing i still hate it it's awful we don't have to do that

we're old now i never liked that game because it was always such a poisonous mind trick it was like forcing you to think about bad things it's so ridiculous too it's like i have the worst what you rathers are both terrible right they're both things that you never do do you want to hear the worst one this is do i want to hear the worst one no i think tom told me this one it's right it is the worst one oh god really is this like the aristocrats joke no no it's just like it's not scatological it's just would you rather would you rather uh french kiss or Jeffrey Dahmer? Which one is better for you to French kiss? This is way worse.

It's going to be horrible. I'm bracing myself. No, actually, I'm not sure if it's... I don't know. I mean, all right, I'll say it and you can judge for yourselves. All right. Would you rather you're innocent, but everyone thinks you're a pedophile, or you fuck a kid and get away with it?

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. That is the worst one. innocent but everyone thinks you're a pedophile or you fuck a kid and get away with it jesus christ oh that is the worst one that is fucking awful jesus and when tom told me that that was the end of the conversation right there yeah i wouldn't even like there's no choice there i would just say just kill me i'd right how has my life gotten to the point where i'm even having this conversation that's what sips always goes to goes to that third that third option which is always there's no third option there always is there has to be there's never what do you mean it's a would you rather it's one of two things and i mean i i would just choose that like sip said i think death is the only solution in that situation but uh yeah that was the one he told me that i we were like we were doing this in the pub like doing the would

you rathers and he was like right i've got the best one this does sound like a pub conversation of course it's a pub conversation not not a not a good pub conversation either you guys are too chaste one of the ones this is one of those conversations we're like oh fuck i just remembered my um rhinoceros is on fire at home i gotta run home and extinguish him asap bye and then you you run away right like this is why you guys don't come to the pub when we go out because you're uh a couple of innocent young boys this is like ratty and the nonce all over again have you guys seen the afterlife yet that show the ricky gervais show yeah i saw the first series what's the second there's a second series there's

a second season yeah it's pretty good pretty good. But the psychologist, the psychologist starts to slowly break down, you know, the one that's seeing the, the brother in law and was seeing Ricky Gervais as well. No, he's a guy from Game of Thrones. Remember the Oh, Dennis Pennis, that guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. So he, so in season two, he starts to slowly break down. Like he's, you know, questioning whether he wants to be a psychologist anymore and sort of does like a reversal on them, you know? Like Ricky Gervais' character leaves altogether. He's just like, he has enough.

But then the brother-in-law continues to see him and he just gets worse and worse and worse. And he starts telling these two friends, Ratty and the Nantes, and their sexual exploits off the back of going to the pub and stuff like that what you're describing is it sounds a little bit like that without all of the fucking toilet stall blowjobs and fucking everything else that they describe it's really funny though you got to check out season two is really good actually because i i really i i was surprised how good season one or series one because it's an English show.

So it's series. Yeah. It's worth talking about this because Ricky Gervais has this sort of aura around him of I almost don't want to watch stuff that he's in on principle in the same way. Why on principle in the same way. Why on principle though? Like I just thought, I just thought all of his shows would be like The Office because I'd never really bothered to watch anything. I just thought, oh, I bet you it's just always the same. It's always awkward. It's always like whatever.

And if you're up for that, cool. If not, whatever. Like I never really sought his other stuff out. But now that I've watched Extras and Afterlife and stuff, I've got like a newfound appreciation. I'd like to think that I was fairly open to these things, right? But it happened to be last week because I was reading this Alistair Reynolds book, which I finished, called Revenger.

And there's a couple of sequels. I think one's still coming out. But it's a really fun sci-fi book set in the future where the solar system has kind of gone through these series periods of like being destroyed and the civilization's regrown about 12 times yeah and extinction events yeah kind of like aliens coming in and killing everyone is there about the sixth ee or um or yeah there's loads of extinction events have happened and extinction entities humanity is sort of hung on by a thread

right and so the civilization that's sort of risen up is fairly basic sort of similar to kind of our current era only they've got these sort of ships and they go out and try and find this sort of ancient technology in these um hidden like baubles so it's kind of like a pirate themed sci-fi in the future i was about halfway through it when i read i was reading about something about it online or someone mentioned something and they said it was like a young adult novel and it instantly made me a realize that yes it was in the same way that you know in in the same way that it wasn't you know but i mean the line between young adult and adult novels is kind of a bit blurry anyway right like um there's people getting killed left right and center there's people having sex there's all sorts of stuff going on you know it's

probably pretty horrible a lot of people some of these young adult novels the authors are like they want to make it seem slightly edgy so that the young adults reading it uh feel like they're not reading a young adult novel they're reading an actual novel novel so they kind of put some stuff in to be like, and then so-and-so was killed. It's like, oh, wow, this is so dark. Like Twilight was basically for kids, wasn't it? Harry Potter was definitely for kids.

Yeah, it was a young adult. Well, it wasn't for kids. What, Harry Potter? Harry Potter was definitely... It was for kids. Harry Potter was for kids. It skewed younger. It was for kids.

Like earlier in the episodes. It wasn't for... Well, I suppose what you mean by kids. I mean children. But definitely, we've been through this uh the size of the typing in the books is um is conspicuously large i like normally that happens in kids books too anyway as soon as i like as soon as i sort of heard it was a young adult novel it kind of instantly changed my feelings about it and then i had to work a little bit in my head to like say actually i really enjoyed the book i thought it was really

fun i had a really good time reading it it was kind of like this sort of just a space romp i mean i'd recommend it to you guys absolutely but i think that you know you may now be put off by the fact that it's kind of this it skews a little bit younger uh on on the read um do you know i mean because it feels like we automatically want to read adult novels or something or be you know i don't know we're the opposite i don't want to read any novels and that's not the opposite that's the third option right okay man i don't know what happened to me with reading like i used to read a lot and now i'm just so lazy i'll tell know what happened to me with reading. I used to read a lot, and now I'm just so lazy. I'll tell you what happened. We don't have to go anywhere.

Yeah, that's true. Like we definitely said before, when I have to travel, that's when I read. Yeah. You fucking love reading. All you need to do is find something that is good, and then you'll read all of it. Like what happened with Bloody Red Rising, which is, again, kind of a young adult, actually. It does feel a bit like that especially the first book the second and third but not quite so much but the first book

it matures did feel a little like he's a little bit young adulty um in parts but i think that was because i associated it with the hunger games because the the sort of basic premise of the book is that they go to this sort of game area and they have to compete with other groups and everything and and i for sure so it but it isn't i mean that red rising is not or some of these other things or even i mean i don't want to say the walking dead because that is definitely very you know adult themed but sometimes it feels like if you if you wanted to write a book right but you didn't want to put graphic rape scenes in there suddenly your book's a young adult book and i feel like that's the wrong attitude i don't think that's i don't think that's that's what makes it uh a young adult book i think it's to do with

things like the vocabulary in the book um i think it's generally is the protagonist a a young teenager with a lot to prove and you know it's like it's like if the peers of the main character are also very young, you feel like I as an adult just think like, well, this book is for kids, because it's like, they talk like kids, they relate to each other like kids, they're kids. And there's not many grown up books that you read. I mean, the you know, Enid Blyton's famous five books were for kids, and the people in it were all kids. So it's hard for me to read a book where the main characters are literally children without thinking, well, this book is for that age group. Whereas I think when you read books as an adult, it tends to be about adults

in adult situations rather than anything else. That makes more sense to me. Yeah, actually, that does sound right. It's just funny, isn't it? Name any books that you've read recently where the main characters were teenagers. Yeah, Red Rising felt like it was kind of like a teen novel, but it was very good at the same time. Yeah, but it also moved on from that it's like it started off with their their life as essentially as young teenagers young adults trying to to make it in this this uh crazy universe and trying to find their rank and work with these houses and everything and then it expanded and they grew up and they matured and the books did with them sort of thing where's the line though like where's the where where's the the line like uh like the clear line between

sort of teen or young adult fiction and then um full adult fiction like well i i i think actually what ends up happening is that someone writes something or creates something with a tone that they want to have and then it ends up finding its niche in that thing much like everything like minecraft or fortnite you know were designed with a audience in mind and then they skewed a lot younger based on who was playing them and who got the most joy out of them and who felt you know it felt more appropriate to them here is the boundary between children's young adult and adult fiction now this is my favorite line i'm not going to read the whole thing from Wikipedia, but I think this is really funny.

The distinctions among children's literature, young adult literature, and adult literature have historically been flexible and loosely defined. This line is often policed by adults who feel strongly about the border. Literally grown-ups saying, that's young adult fiction! That's us! that's us right now

it's literally us this whole conversation in a nutshell what a what a withering line on wikipedia that is someone's put that in there because they might have put it in there as a reference to the triforce podcast who knows because of my claiming that harry potter is a kid's book even though this is a claim that persists on this podcast but is always denied by one member of this podcast, like an animal snarling and frothing at the mouth every time we bring it up. But I think you're right. I think it was originally marketed for children. I mean, there were like it was in the news when adults were seen reading it on trains and things because I can remember being on the underground and seeing all these people in suits off to work reading Harry Potter.

And it was like, wow, they're reading a kid's book. This thing's really blown up and become hugely successful. But yeah, there's no doubt that it was a kid's book. There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. Well, I don't think she even like originally thought the, because the first one's quite different to the others as well. You know, certainly she had to almost go back

on some of the some of the things oh i saw a thing this week where a guy um took the first harry potter movie and replaced cgi replaced all the wands with guns um and it's fucking amazing because you don't realize how often they use their wands as guns effectively to to blow stuff up or smash things or break glass or yeah do things that guns would do that's amazing and it's all it almost entirely fits but there's occasional bits where hermione's floating a feather with a gun but there's this great bit where she just so she says i'm sorry about this neville she raises her gun just shoots him in the head and it's obviously the bit where this is the bit where she freezes him into whatever,

freezes his body. But he just sort of falls over like he's been shot in the head. And it's glorious. What was his name? Neville? Neville, yeah, Neville. That is a good British name, isn't it? That is.

You don't meet many Americans called Neville. We were talking about names yesterday because I was making it's not even a joke it's not even funny but uh everyone knows a neville as well whenever i someone with a bad name who's had a hard time very british you'd be hard pressed to find a neville in america it's kind of shaped his personality there's very very few nevilles raised to the rank of head boy, you know, without. Neville Chamberlain was the prime minister, lest we forget. But he was the shittest prime minister. I have in my head the piece of paper that means that Hitler's cocking us. He's cocking us right now. I brought this paper home. Think of some names that you think are, okay, sorry, back to what I was saying. When I get

salty in video games, particularly if I'm playing sort of like midday, like around lunchtime, I blame the French. I always just say, it's got to be French kids that are spoiling my good games here. Competitive games, Tarkov, whatever. I always figure like, oh yeah, they're done school for the day and now they're sweating it up,

killing me with their lightning fast reflexes and and whatever french french children french kids yeah are responsible for you losing at games well i mean i know it's it's it's irrational is that because they're ahead in the time zone my my chat have picked up on this now and every time i die or whatever they're like oh it's probably some drunk french kid killing you or something and and it just goes on and on and on and then people come to the stream they're like why is this guy being so racist towards french people i'm not actually i don't hate french people uh you know like i think french children i just hate i just hate their kids uh for being better video

games to me no but so we got into this into a discussion it was a nice discussion actually we were talking about names that uh that fit very well with like a culture or country or whatever we started talking about american names uh like hunter or chip or buddy or luellen uh you know like like those really american names that you wouldn't find anywhere else you know like you wouldn't yeah and then we were talking about english names you know like nigel and neville um and like bartholomew and barnabas yeah cuthbert clive yeah these are names that you really wouldn't find much outside of britain so it's just it's just interesting isn't it as global as we're becoming they're still very you know what i mean like um yeah like in india there's definitely names indian names that you wouldn't get really outside of india unless uh the person like left india moved somewhere else

sort of thing i'd say that's a very striking culture yeah yeah it is it is and also they have a different language so their names will be matched. I mean, you may as well say in China you're never going to get a Clive, are you? But it's like, well,

yeah, probably not. Well, funnily enough though, we did a lot of work when I used to work at the bank. Funny enough, there's actually 10 million Clives in China.

It's weird, isn't it? It's actually really popular. No, well, what they do is, when I used to work at HSBC, It's named after one of the emperors. Emperor Clive. It's cool, I didn't is, when I used to work at HSBC, we named after one of the Emperor.

I've got one of the vases. Original Clive vase made by Nigel and Clive, the famous Chinese urn makers. Oh, by the way, by the way, I remember when I was at it, I was in a TI one time and I hang out with a wide range of people from all over the world. That's pretty much what it is. But I remember my friend Ken, who's Chinese, Chinese-American, but he was brought up in China. And he's always pointing out to me that the subtle racist things that you see, especially

in older films, about Chinese people and Chinese culture. And one of the funny things that he and another friend of mine who's Korean always references the gong, the sort of bong. And the moment you hear that noise, it's meant to represent China. That's in everything as well, even today. So I was watching a James Bond movie the other day, The Man with the Golden Gun. Wow, even today. So I was watching a James Bond movie the other day, The Man with the Golden Gun,

and every time that there was a Chinese person on screen, it was like gong just every time. Oh, my God. It's something that as a white English person, I had never even noticed this. I just thought it was like a movie trope. But it's like, yeah, you're right. Having a fucking gong sound every time your people come on screen. It's not even that old that movie

like 20 years ago it's like the man with the golden gun oh i'm thinking of golden eye sorry i'm thinking of i'm thinking of golden eye that was made in the 90s man with the golden gun was made in the 70s i think late 70s very early 80s i would say 79 let's look it up man with the sorry Sims 1974 how about that Bond names and villains are great aren't they because they're just

they're not like at all exciting it's just like something stupid like the man with gardening gloves or you know it's just like

alright but that was part of all the spy lingo and stuff he was Scaramanga that was the name of the bad guy in Golden Man stuff. He was Scaramanga. That was the name of the bad guy. Scaramanga. Scaramanga.

And then you had Blofeld, which just made me think of Blowjob. Now, that would have been a better bad guy, I think. What about Oddjob? Oddjob, you're thinking of. Oddjob and Blofeld combined together to form Blowjob. Man, I remember Oddjob being so fucking OP in Goldeneye because he was short and

it was harder to aim and headshot him like that was the power play if anyone picked odd job you were fucked what were you saying about names it was neville and clive oh oh about uh about china and names when when i was working at hsbc we had a lot of our stuff was uh was low was physically located in hong kong and therefore was supported by a team in Hong Kong, a really big team in Hong Kong. Well, it's Hong Kong, Shanghai Building Corporation. So in the middle of the night, sometimes at like four in the morning or whatever,

you'd get a call from Hong Kong to say that like, you know, a batch job had failed or something went wrong, whatever. We lost a load of money. Eat off. We can't find it. Well, no, but you just see, these are things that you had to deal with you.

So I'd have to wake up and I'd have to- There's too many people called Clive. They're all called Clive Wang. They've got a Clive stack overflow. That's the point I'm getting at is they gave themselves Christian names because for some reason they decided that this would make it

easier for us to us who were not in china to deal with them you know so they had names like wendy and clive and and george and stuff like that but they they weren't their real names they would just adopt these i mean they still do that in call centers in christian names it's pretty unusual to to to open a bank account with a false name though right it's i it is odd though i don't know why they should have to do that like because we're idiots well yeah i know it's just i i was always i was always perplexed by the whole thing i just thought i i'm i'm i'm more than happy to call somebody by their actual name they don't need to dress it up or whatever

it was just such a weird thing but I remember going through code that I'd have to debug like old source code where people the person who would write the code in the first place there was always a space at the top for you to put your name what project you were working on, some sort of reference or whatever. And it was the same there too. And this goes back to, this went back like to the 70s when a lot of this stuff was written, because it's on like an old mainframe. And there'd be just like

guys called like, you know, Wendy Liu and like Johnny Wang and stuff like that. Like they would, they would use these Christian names. Yeah, well, I did read somewhere that there are very common names i mean i joked about wang but i think wang way is like one of the most common yeah yeah in the world yeah it's but it's it you know like you sometimes they would put like in in brackets their their full actual name but they would still use these sort of like christian prefixes or whatever but if you've got like 300 000 people banking with you with the same name how do you keep track of that oh do you mean yeah do you want to do you want to hear the list of names english names that are that are you you will not find a kid named these these days now this is funny because some of these we know people with these names i know

people with these names tarquin i have no angela angela do you know any kid any babies called angela oh you mean these are names that have gone out of fashion sort of yes we had these this discussion yesterday as well because now a lot of a lot of new babies are being called like city names or like right they're being called like not everly calise not carol not clarence Clive is on this list. Cyril, Deborah, Diane, Donna, Dean. Cyril, now that's an English name. Dean, yeah.

Dennis, Derek, Duncan, apparently out of fashion. Poor Duncan. Elaine, Ernest, Jeffrey, Horace. Now, Joanne, my sister's name is Joanna. You don't meet many Joannas. Leonard, Maureen, Malcolm, Nigel, Neville. See, we were right. Paula, Roy, Sally, Sandra, Sharon, Sheila, Tracy, Wendy, Yvonne, and Wayne.

Now, it's true, you don't meet many kids with those names now. It's weird. But Wayne Rooney is only in his 30s, but you don't meet Waynes these days. That's true, yeah. You'd think people would name babies after people who are fairly famous? You know, you think like Angela from The Office, there should be some Angelas, you know?

She wasn't exactly a character you want to name a kid after. Wait, Rudy's an England footballer. I'm just surprised that obviously people are just not that into him or they think he's a bit ugly or whatever. I mean, Pellisi was a big one, right? Dexter was a big one too i remember when when our kids were smaller and my wife was going to play groups there was always a handful of dexters you know crazy i think it's i think there's a lot to be said for like shows popular media and stuff to influence like names i mean there must be a

bunch of adele's right and i'mars and stuff like that because of the singers. Lady Gaga's and fucking. Yeah, a lot of Gaga's. Yeah. A lot of Gaga's. This is Gaga Stevenson. So interestingly, I had an email this week from a guy called Robin who is having a baby in October.

Shout out to Robin. He's Robin the baby. And he said, I thought it would only be fitting to get him some sort of Yogscast merch as we'll be naming him Lewis wow my heart was like oh my god I don't think I'm ready for this but fortunately in the next sentence

you're doing like a Michael from The Office and you assume that you're going to be the godfather and stuff as well in the next sentence he said the name is in reference to my wife's grandfather Lewis oh thank god i was like oh thank god so it's okay um but i i mean that's the thing some people there might be a baby sips out there someone might want to call their kids it well god good luck to them because i beat i don't that's not a good setup for your future is it like if that's your name i mean it's a banana anagram for piss so it's you're not i mean would you would you be just

think about being a kid called p p flex or period you know what would how would they get bullied in school if they were called period flex well because people would say what's that name about yeah and they would have to say well my dad really liked this bald idiot you'd be like well great lucky lucky period flax dirty dirty slacks fucking bald idiot lover stupid uh yeah i don't know it's got i guess like when you what when you name your kid you it's such a such a minefield right because you you don't want to be constantly reminded of you're paranoid that you don't want to be constantly reminded of something or something bad you can't you know there's a lot of names that just out because you know someone called that right yeah so i feel like that's what happens with baby names it's like first of all i can't

name it after a lot of already names out there because they they're already taken i don't want you know ian it's like oh it's like ian mckellen it's a bit weirder what about babies we named after gandalf you know and then like patrick or patrick stewart suddenly there's like oh you just name any name and it will conjure up images in your mind you have to find one that's neutral for both of you i guess okay look i i've got a couple of good ones here for you um some ideas what what gender of baby are you thinking of having lewis oh um i'm thinking of well i wouldn't i'd like to have a neutral name so then if i have a boy or a girl you know just answer the fucking question just pick one flip a coin i want a gender neutral name so when they grow up they can choose their gender

and they still keep the same okay what about booker that sounds great like booker t and the mgs no you could definitely have a girl called booker as well like that sounds like a young adult the young adult star in a book what about buckley cleveland buckley uh obsession that's a name for a sacrifice what about us what what about the name sacrifice these are all wow these are all on okay cleveland doesn't work because of the the euphemism right of the the sex act which no one has i don't think ever done but it's very famous you don't see many chevys around do you no you don't see many chevy no or dwight's you don't see many dwight's around what's not a cool name it's like Cromwell Creighton Crawford Cortland Copper yeah these are all Burt Buster you don't see you don't see many Burt's or Buster's around anymore

do you this is Gru yeah yeah actually I think you could have Dwight and and and Dwayne in like in the black community what about Gordon Haddon It seems like certain names definitely feel like there's certain groups that they would fit fine. Gordon. Actually, Gordon's like, I reckon some of these could come back around. Some of these are really old. Henley's an old one, isn't it? Kenton. Henley.

That sounds like the royal baby. Lawson. You don't meet many Kens. Legolas. Legolas. the royal baby lawson you don't you don't meet many kens legolas legolas that's more of a that's probably a more recent one right well semi-recent what would you call him for sure lego lego lego lass lassie what about mace i don't what about calling your kid mace mace madison mace madison is another one right that's a madison is like a like an american girl's name madison yeah you hear a lot i know i know quite a few madisons and it just goes to

maddie which is you know not uncommon newman nelson newman parker packard oh my god rally parker are definitely dogs now you don't see many ralph Ralphs or Ramses around anymore either, do you? Ramses? Yeah. These are all old names. I was at school with a kid called Ramsey. He was Egyptian. His parents were Egyptian. He moved over.

His name was Ramsey. He was a good lad. Maybe people end up picking the same names because they're safe. And other people have picked them. And it's just going to blend in. People want someone relatable. You want a prime minister called Chris or David. You want someone who sounds like they've got a kind of ordinary name.

And yet we have a Boris. Incidentally, changing the topic, I had a Boris burger yesterday, which I'm calling it that. Is that where they give you half the money off? Yeah. So I went out with Ben for lunch. I was was like do you want to go out for lunch and i was like i hear they have half price food and he was like sure so we went out um to this burger place nearby and um so we get there and there's not very many people out in there but there's a few people

outside and so i looked sort of over people's shoulders, keeping my distance. Everyone's all very paranoid. And there's a QR code at the door and it says you have to scan the QR code to get in the queue. So I was like, okay. So I scanned the QR code and I had to type in a load of all my details. This is for the track and trace thing. So they can contact me if anyone at the restaurant had Corona. So then I got a queue with Ben and we were there for about five minutes and they called out the name, like a doctor's surgery Ben Lewis I was like oh jeez

so we went in and they put us in a booth which had little plastic they stuck like plastic sheets to the backs of their booths so they're more isolated for some reason and then the waitress

honestly stood two metres away from us as if we both had corona she was so scared of us and she looked miserable um well i mean she did not want to be there at all even without corona would you want to do that job i mean that sucks no i probably wouldn't but she was not she was not and she just said uh menus on that qr code i was like she pointed to this qr code sellotape to the table so scan that qr code had to order digital so looked at the menu on my phone had to order digitally which i'm all fine with and pay digitally as well by the way at the end so it was entirely like completely no touching at all um brought burger really nice just sort of very gingerly pushed it over to the

table to keep distance it was very carefully done they could serve the food with those big flat things they used to get pizzas out of pizza ovens oh yeah that's a good shuffle your plate at you like um and so it was all very careful very very very very futuristic it felt i mean if they don't do this then the government's going to shut them down again like all these places that i think there is a collective understanding so i've got like i've got like apps for gourmet burger kitchen because you get occasional vouchers and i've got apps for fucking everything it feels like already and it feels like they've been trying to every restaurant has been trying to make me pay digitally or sign up digitally to their fucking newsletter or something anyway right so now it's just finally all of that infrastructure is actually slightly

useful what do you guys think about this whole um you know push to to get people to use money digitally like you know cards like contact i will actually say i kind of didn't hate it because there was no calling the wait over or waiting for them to bring us a menu or waiting for like waiting for them to come and take our order you could just do it all online and it was felt like it was just, I don't know, I kind of liked it, actually, I will say. I didn't have to really interact with the servers. And they didn't have to interact with me.

No one wants to interact with me. Well, I mean, I don't know. I think phasing out cache is not a great thing. I think it'll be a shame. Why? It's finally phased out. I don't know, because there's like a lot of little things about paying with cash, right?

Like privacy is one of them. You're paying with a card. Like people, somebody somewhere knows where you've been, what you've bought, what you're doing. You know what I mean? Like at least with cash, you can remain a bit private. There is something about cash, right? In the same way that playing a board game on tabletop sim

and rolling the dice digitally feels incredibly unsatisfying. Whereas playing poker in real life and actually having the cards and moving the chips around and rolling the dice or doing... Like, you know, it's such a big difference. It's poker online versus, you know, in person. And I think having cash and paper stuff in cash with certainly with coins, you know, or with notes is a lot more, I don't know, it feels different. Yeah, there's definitely some interaction that takes place that we need to have some interaction with other people. And I think exchanging money for goods,

even though it's not as quick as using a card or whatever, makes you interact with somebody a bit longer. Even if it's not even a meaningful interaction or whatever, it's still something, right? It's still good. Yeah, it's like if you're not touching them physically, you're touching them with the disease vector of a piece of paper or piece of metal yeah i mean it's way easier i mean if you're a business here's the thing there are some businesses where they can't afford to have

the fees that are charged for for cards and things like that if we can move past having those stupid fees also how is it not easier well to have beep now you've got money rather than what you have to do is go to the bank with all this cash you're not um which is a pain in the ass the banks aren't like i mean they're a fairly sure thing but in in a pinch without cash you have no way of having money or owning money that's like out of the banking system right like you what do you think cash is if there's a massive financial crisis your cash is worth fuck all like you may as well say let's trade with blocks of gold yeah but i mean if you're if you're skeptical about where the banks are going to survive you've also have to be skeptical about whether cash is

worth keeping i know but at least you have that and if you needed it or if it was worth something you had the option whereas everything being digital you're completely just saying i'm just going to give everything to this company that uh is just going to do whatever it likes as they've proven uh time and time again in the past like uh with all their dealings and stuff like that i don't know i think it's a lot to don't know. I think it's a lot to... You're completely right. I think it's a lot to lump in. No, he's not.

Here's the thing. The money that you have in a bank account is also stored digitally. So there's no difference unless you're saying that you constantly want to have all the money that you own in a pile. I'm not saying all the money. I'm saying what if you had like 500 quid stored in a shoebox under your bed just in case sort of thing you can't do that right if like we couldn't completely eliminate no no no what you want in that shoebox is a bottle of whiskey two guns uh some ammo you need bottle caps of cigarettes i don't know man

it's like you gotta think about prison i'm not saying i i'm not saying i'm right i'm sure that you can you can discount everything i'm saying with some fact or whatever i'm not saying I'm right. I'm sure that you can discount everything I'm saying with some fact or whatever. I'm just saying it feels bad that eventually we will not have cash. Well, there's a thing, isn't there? When you go into banks now, it's been there for a couple of years. Well, maybe even since the original financial crisis. It says that the bank will insure your deposits up to, the government will insure your deposits up to 35K or something.

If you have more than £35,000 in the bank, which most people don't. Yeah, well, look at all the Northern Rock stuff when that happened. People lost a ton of money. Like, there was people that had money above the amount that they would guarantee back for you that just disappeared, like like overnight, you know,

like life savings and stuff. Well, I think that one bank going bad, because it's been mismanaged or some sort of fraud or something, that does happen. Like there was this fraud with Wirecard, wasn't there, relatively recently with this payment processor who said they had a lot more money than they had. But people didn't bank with them.

I think one bank going bad can be obviously a big problem and i think you know that's why the government would step in but i think that in the case of some sort of financial meltdown more of a risk of massive inflation or massive deflation some sort of big financial problem yes i think it is scary that your money money could be at risk. And I don't know what the answer is. I think it's £85,000. I think it's £85,000. I think it's less than that, actually. Well, according to this, the financial services compensation scheme,

the government would top up any compensation over and above the standard £85,000. The bank was nationalised. It was nationalised. I don't really know what that means. It means that the government stepped in and guaranteed all the money on the assumption that they would then be able to resell the bank and get the debt repaid. That was it.

I'm not really familiar with any of that stuff. I'm not super familiar with it either. But I think maybe that's why it's scary, because we're ignorant and in fear of the unknown. We don't know. The financial world feels like this incredibly complicated cryptic mysterious like scary thing that could you know go boom at any time and all our money in the banks is all you know it's like even like mary poppins there's been a run on the bank kind of oh the bank's not quite enough deposits quick i don't mind the bank

but at the same time you know like a lot of these banks are are are just companies just doing you know like they're regulated and stuff sure but uh ultimately you know they're they're just as they're just as likely to screw up or or or fail as anything else right and when you think like how much you depend on storing money in there and maybe not all of it is even covered. Sometimes it's a little bit worrying, isn't it? I think that what's interesting, though, is how we've reacted to the virus and how we've adapted

and how we've put into practice sort of these processes that allow us to carry on through it. Yeah, but again, another worrying aspect of that like the coronavirus a good example when you think of like the uh distribution the logistics of goods and stuff i mean you're you're you know like like amazon walmart all of these big companies that were able to dispatch things to you that you ordered from your house sort of thing were like a lifeline for a lot of people right like they're you wouldn't have been able to get around it but yeah these are these

are private companies that could just do whatever the fuck they want you know like it's not it's not like the government had much to do with that or or whatever you know what i mean like so so what happens if well there is there is banking regulation the problem is that sometimes it depending on who's in power, it ebbs and flows in terms of how restrictive it is. And the problem with 2008 was that they lessened the capital reserves that banks had to have. They allowed them to trade things that they previously weren't allowed to trade. And that was one of the things that exacerbated the 2008 crash, was lack of government oversight. Because essentially, you're right that these are just

companies trying to make money. Banks are not some kind of institution that owes you anything. They just provide a service in exchange for which they want to make a shitload of money. And they do. The banks make an awful lot of money. But there are regulations. It's not some unregulated cowboy minefield, or it shouldn't be. The problem is that sometimes those regulations are relaxed in an effort by some government 10 years previously to say, hey, let's relax things because then it'll lead to more money and good times. And it does in the short term, but eventually it always blows up. It's one of those things that I think the common perception is that they are these, you know, like if you never thought about a bank and you just your wages went in there and you drew money out when you needed it or whatever, you would just assume that it's really safe, everything's covered, nothing could ever go wrong or whatever. I feel like if more people just thought about some of this stuff a bit more, they would have a different take on things.

Things wouldn't be done so fluidly and easily like by banks and by governments and stuff, right? Like I think a lot of people just don't think about a lot of things. And so a lot of things just sort of like slip through the cracks, right? Because- I think you've got, well, I think it's problem. The problem is as soon as you start thinking about something,

you realize how little you know, and then it scares you. And you really have to do beyond that. You have to start educating yourself. But it's so hard and so obfuscating and so confusing, the whole world, and how all of it works. And it's this mind-boggling mess that you don't understand. And so it can be very threatening. I think that when it comes down to it at the very end, though,

a lot of people are in the same boat. A lot of people have a job where they kind of just about get through the day. They put a little bit away in savings. They're at some stage of paying off their mortgage. Most people are in a very similar boat. are in a very similar boat. And if everything were to start collapsing, as we've seen with coronavirus, people not being able to, you know, losing their jobs or not being able to pay their rent, you know, that suddenly can lead to this slippery slope of problems. You know, if people can't pay their rent, then the landlords can't pay their mortgage, then the banks don't

have to, they'll start defaulting to the banks who have to repossess their houses and it leads to this slippery slope of problems and i think when you that's destabilizing and and that that is what causes this breakdown and so that's why we've seen i think the stimulus package in in america and things like this in order to try and you know fend off those yeah those temporary issues. And I think they're important. And I think that we don't know what's going to happen in the future with businesses going wrong. And we are in a capitalist society of boom and bust. And there is boom and there is bust. And we are going to have this downturn.

And we don't know what the impact of it will be. And I think everyone has a different idea. The sandwich shop around the corner has shut down. Obviously, people aren't coming into the sandwich shop up towards sandwich sandwich sandwich is closed down yeah it's closed down well permanently yeah oh for fuck's sake yeah well it's the first casualty boys just think of how you feel if that was your fucking bank that just decided to shut down yeah i mean you're like you that's a big blow to you it's a fucking sandwich shop imagine how you'd feel if it was something important you know what

it takes for a bank to go bust you know how rare it is they get bailouts from the government because the government understands that if the banks all go bust all of this goes bust everything there's so few banks that have ever gone belly up they're big names because of it bear stearns right northern rock these are we all know these names because it's super rare because first of all they're very good at not going bust apparently and the government is very good at bailing them out so the idea that the banks are all going to fucking go bust they'd be the last thing to go bust well it's your sandwich shops it's your it's your it's your just chips it's those places that are going to go under it it's your sandwich shops it's your it's your it's your just chips

it's those places that are going to go under it's those weird places on the high street that only sell hats you're like how are you still in business anyway well now they're not because there's i mean a shop opened just when coronavirus was starting a shop opened near us it's a pottery i feel so sorry for certain shops like that which is a sketchy business is a sketchy business anyway, because how often do you need pottery? Well, because I talked about it. We went and filmed a thing in a pottery cafe, didn't we? And it was great. We had a great time.

But it was very social. And I think they need a really decent throughput of people. I think that's why Sandwich Sandwich closed, because they made most of their money in that lunch rush. And that lunch rush doesn't exist anymore. Right. And it's certainly not allowed to have a rush, you know, anywhere. Because everyone has to be QR coded in through the door one by one. I wonder if they offered takeaway or delivery.

The problem is it's not easy to get the system in place to start delivering food. And if people aren't going into work anyway, they're going to be ordering less food. Last week, we were talking about this and I was saying that a lot of these businesses, if we change the way we work and the way we commute and travel and congregate in offices and things, if we change that, that a lot of businesses would have to adapt. And someone pointed out that they're a bartender in a bar

and they rely on people after work coming into the bar or someone else runs a live music venue and they rely on weekends when people come in for live music and spend money in the bar. And if that goes, how does that get replaced?

Well, I think that's the that's the beautiful thing about the economy is that the it provides opportunity for people who build a new interesting sustainable good business to fit the needs of what people want sure it'll get out with the old that's a shame but you know it's it is adapt or die that's how humanity and natural selection has functioned for billions of years. Well, millions of years. It's certainly this amazing, you know, we live in a free market economy and people are still going to want to buy food and go out and do things and socialize and find things. And the next thing will rise up.

Do you think that this kind of thing will lead less to small businesses being able to succeed in those areas. And it'll just be big businesses. Like if you look at Amazon, for example, delivering stuff, uh, they're delivering a shitload of stuff. They've pretty much everybody's just using Amazon. Like if you want to buy something, we get an Amazon, like there's no rival to that. And when it comes to getting food delivered, there are at the moment, a bunch of different places offering a food delivery. Like there's deliver, there's Just Eat, there's Uber Eats. I'm sure there's more. I feel like Amazon is though, at the point where it's the infrastructure

though, it's the roads, right? It doesn't matter. It's like comparing Amazon to other delivery companies, like comparing trains or roads. You're going to use the roads, you're going to use Amazon. But Amazon has a million different suppliers. Yeah, right. And all those businesses use Amazon to get stuff to you. Amazon aren't mass manufacturing different things that they sell. And so in the same way as Deliveroo or Just Eat, you know, there's a couple of food services, but it's those little restaurants that are doing it.

You know, the falafel place and there's constantly new ones opening up and they're constantly providing new ideas for people. And I think that, you know, if you, if you, if you, if you're good and you provide a good service, then people will use it. Is that if we move to a delivery only system, is that going to change where people buy the food from? Cause if you're in a new place, you're not going to have all those reviews. You're not going to be top of the search results on delivery or whatever. If you're a new restaurant offering takeaway, how do you get that word of mouth out there to people that it's good? Because if you have people, when they go out for lunch or

they go out for dinner, often they'll just wander around and go into somewhere they like the look of and they'll be like, oh, we tried that new noodle place down on So and So Street. It's really good. And then that word of mouth gets out there. So if you take that out of the equation and people no longer wander around, how do those small businesses get their names out there to become? It's bizarre though, PFLAX. It's almost like that whole thing with the orchestra.

So when they were trialing, I've probably talked about this on TriForce, but I read this whole thing about how when they recruited new violin players for the orchestra um they would almost always choose men and and and when they saw them but then when they started um trialing them behind a screen and listening to them they it would totally be it would become much more um like fair and they'd end up choosing an equal amount of men and women or whatever they were just a lot they were biased by what they saw and i think it's the same thing with restaurants like

if you're ordering stuff off delivery all you need to have is like a nice frontispiece on the and a nice menu right and people will and people will judge you on how good the food is sometimes you know the best food is from this really dingy dirty looking place down a back alley that you would never want to go to normally but once you actually but the mom and pop pop food kind of things that they cook there is really nice i'm sure it can go the other way too and you could be tricked into having a nice frontispiece on deliveroo and it's just horrible but i think even on on um places like deliveroo and stuff i think like the the sort of approach to food is that people are willing to try different

stuff right like i hope so like if you're on if you're on like a like a delivery app and you can see menus and stuff which most of them allow you to um you you might be like oh you know what i had like this yesterday or i had that last week or whatever i want to try something different like like i think there's probably like um a bit more of like um people like a like a will to try something different like like i think there's probably like um a bit more of like um people like a like a will to try out different things people going out of their comfort zone it works the same way as in person also i guess you you do see the reviews right like you see the reviews online like uh yeah food was really good bit cold or whatever you know you sort of uh you can pick and choose from those comments my favorite are the comments that are really

really angry and then there's a response and a response to that response. And there's a whole thread you can follow where the owner and this customer are going back and forth. I love finding those things. There's a subreddit where they collect them all, where someone comes in and says, the business did this out in the other and the business is like, don't lie. You know, we remember you and it's like this whole story comes out and I was like, wow. So these little dramas are just recorded. story comes out and i was like wow so these little dramas are just recorded well you i mean that's the thing though that a bad review can change people's minds like i i and we talked about this

before you know i'll look at a game on steam i'll scroll down and there's all these good reviews yeah don't you i always sort by negative i want to see what i look for the bad ones and then i look for something to put me off and it's like it's such a bad way to do it. But that's just how psychology works, right? Like I want to hear I don't want to hear from the people who say this is fantastic because I want to see the people that complaining if their complaint sounds like bullshit. I'm like, okay, it's probably all right. And this person is just a twat.

But if I read their argument, I'm like, oh, that makes sense. Actually, then I will agree with it. Like I feel like a good negative review is so powerful in switching me off from a business whereas one that just goes it sucks i was like well i don't care like i'm going to ignore that one just like i'm going to ignore the ones that say fantastic exclamation mark exclamation marks sometimes a bad negative review is what i want though in a sense like i always want every review to be a negative review saying here's what's wrong with this game if you like x-com then you'll

probably right you could probably overlook it do you know what i mean i tell you what i did this week i played a game called other side which was billed to me as the um x-com tactics game of the year right wow and it's who by who um it's called other side no who built this as the as the x-com tactics game of the year i think it was PC Gamer or someone like that. Right, okay. So it was like someone decent who's actually still in business just about maybe. And it had like 9 out of 10 IGN, 8 out of, half out of 10 PlayStation Universe or whatever.

So I was like, okay. And also I remember meeting the dev at GDC or somewhere last year. and i played a little demo of it and i quite liked it and so the idea is is that you have these kind of really hot sexy women fighting ghosts and zombies and like really creepy it's all black and white and red and it's all just the whole thing is black and white and red really thematically really a cool art style and you have these and it's quite high level tactics too um so i played the first mission i quite enjoyed that other side with a c in place of other side with a c yeah like suicide yeah right or homicide fratricide my favorite yes my favorite uh and so so so i'll tell you a little story so i was on the second level and i had uh

there was a enemy spawn and he had 1174 health and i was like okay and my attack did 863 damage right right but he had 64 armor so i had to minus so i got calculator out i was like okay 843 minus 64 equals 776 so i then minus that off his health which was 1100 however much and i ended up with like 450 something so i was like okay cool so i and then i looked at my other unit and he did uh 480 damage so i was like oh cool so what i can do is i can do both of these attacks then they'll leave him on um and i did the minuses and i was like okay let's leave him on minus 26 health so that'lles, and I was like, okay, I'll leave him on minus 26 health, so that will definitely kill him.

So I was like, okay, so let's do it. So I did it, and then I realized I'd forgotten to... Adjust for armor for the second attack. Exactly, I'd forgotten to take into account that. But also, I'd forgotten to take into account that he had a buff on him that was 5% damage reduction, but I had a buff that was 10% damage increase. So I was like, oh, so suddenly, I was playing this game with a fucking calculator

for a start which is a bit of a problem and the second thing i was having to constantly do all these stupid maths and i just i just i got it wrong i made a mistake it didn't let me reload so i always thought and i haven't played it since goodness but um i i i why why why why can i just say uh i didn't want to get back to the poop talk that we did last week, but I really, really need a poop. Oh, shit. Wow, yeah. It's about that time, isn't it? Yeah. Sorry.

So is there any chance that we could wrap it up this week? Apologies, listeners. Yes. I just wanted to tell you that story. No, that's cool. I wanted to wait it out. Wrap it up so that Flax can wrap one around the inside of the bowl if you know what I mean that's the most unpleasant thing I've ever heard and on that bombshell

we bid you adieu we'll see you next week see you later bye