Triforce! - Triforce! #171: April Fools or April Truels

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

Triforce! Episode 171! I will never apologise for that title. Today Lewis is sharing some insane stories and Sips and Pyrion have to figure out if it's true or false! Go to http://expressvpn.com/triforce today and get an extra 3 months free on a 1-year package! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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I've spoiled it for you two, I've already warned you to be careful all day. You were gonna fall for so many dumb pranks. Hilarious pranks, you know what? Most April Fool's Days are a write-off for me because I spend the whole day with tears in my eyes from laughing so much at all the funny pranks and jokes as well. You know what I was thinking? I look forward to this day every year. It's so much fun and it's hilarious. fun and it's hilarious you know the way they do that shit on the news where the news readers sort of they've done the they've done the news you know they've done the news and before they start doing it again he sort of gets this little twinkly design leans in now uh we've got a uh a little story coming here for you for you here this is just come off the wire a tree uh and spaghetti grows on the tree

ps hugh edwards shit his pants and anyway with themselves about their terrible little jape it's just just it's just awful it's the deliveries like you can tell that news like news presenters are all cut from the same cloth right they're very few of them have a personality beyond like they all read the news in the same way and the same intonation especially in america they have a voice that they use so it's like that and now they're trying to do a funny in that voice it's the worst so i've got for you here uh some a list of some are April Fools and some are not fools. All right, hit us.

So I thought I could let you guys listen to them and then let me know whether you think they're April Fools or not. This is going to be great. Okay, I'm good at these. I'm good at these. Japan's biggest airline carrier, all Nippon Airways, have started selling tickets for dinner on the runway. Yeah. That's not an April Fool's. That is not an April Fool's.

It costs £400 a meal. You could actually go and eat dinner out on a runway. That's so much not an April Fool's. I'm surprised they haven't done that in England yet with all the train spotters and the plane spotters and stuff like that can you imagine like so many of them are he throws clyde clyde and his wife marjorie who have been spotting planes for you know the past 35 years or whatever and they'd get to like drink some some champers on the runway and stuff they would love it that's definitely a real thing we're putting that under real it is it is absolutely a real thing. We're putting that under real. It is. It is absolutely a real thing. Yeah, absolutely.

With the airline industry having challenges, the first class lounges. Yeah. Obviously, you can go and have a business class experience without going anywhere. Yeah. That is sad. That's pretty sad, yeah. And the fanciest part of an airport is still shit compared to anywhere that's not just an airport. Oh, I love this.

Well, I understand. Like, I understand why you would, why, like, why you would put up with like the business class. The business class experience is nice, right? But the point is that the alternative option is to be crammed into a tiny seat and, you know, have to suffer with all that horribleness. I mean, that's what makes it nice. Like business class. I've phoned business class a few times for work and stuff like that. And what makes it nice is the comparison to economy.

That's it. You still get a shitty little seat squeezed in with everybody else. The meal is still fucking awful compared to the food you get on the ground. But because of the comparison, it's literally like, like if you had a prison cell and you both had identical cells, one of the beds was just a few inches thicker. The mattress was just a few inches thicker. That would be heavenly compared to the other cell,

but it's still shit compared to the outside world. It's all relative. So yeah, the whole of an airport is relative. My problem with the whole airport vibe is it's like a public toilet, the whole place. It's filthy. It's grubby. It's like going into a public toilet thousands and thousands of people with all their disgusting human grossness coming through there every day oh man it sucks okay you guys are still uh locked down

and stuff so you haven't been out to places but here it's easing and we've been out to places like we we've eaten in a like uh like in a cafe recently because they're open again we took the kids to like uh like this indoor sports activity thing uh because that's open again and one thing that i've noticed about all these places being open again like everybody's uh you know understandably you know worried about covid and stuff like that but the the businesses that are opening um the the guidelines are very strict about how they can open what they can do and they have to follow it right because if somebody comes by and finds that they're not then they could get in a lot of trouble or they could get fined or closed down or whatever so you have all these people working

a thousand percent more than they've ever worked before in their lives because every time somebody touches something they got to spray it and wipe it down holy crap i've never seen cleaner public toilets because after every use somebody is in there just sterilizing the shit out of it like the mopping the floors and wiping down the the toilets and everything and you think what the fuck like i've been going to these places for like 20 plus years and i've been paying money through the nose for the privilege these toilets are always a disaster they look like they're never cleaned you know like the fucking tables at restaurants are probably just like some germ paradise like

no wonder like you used to get colds all the time and shit like i i hope that like off the back of this that some of this stuff comes through like i want to see people wiping stuff down a lot more and cleaning the toilets a lot more and stuff because what the fuck else are they doing you know what i mean like in those toilets that'll start happening you know because you know if people were so clean that you could literally just serve like a fried egg on a toilet seat or sushi yeah yeah i was also very surprised at the the it's a newer place this the place that we went to and the toilets there are instead of like you know like a big open men's bathroom and a big open women's bathroom, it was just all separate toilets. Like there wasn't even a sign to say like who could use them or whatever.

It was just like there was like 10 of them and they were all separate. They all had their own door and stuff. You go in, lock it. So that's got to be the way forward, right? I feel like that has to be the new setup from now on. You know, like there needs to be like a thing where, you know, if a place opens, they just have to have toilets like that has to be the new setup from now on. You know, like there needs to be like a thing where, you know, if a place opens, they just have to have toilets like that. I don't like being near other people.

Me neither. I don't want to be. I don't like to two meters. I certainly don't want to be standing next to another dude with his dick out pissing. It's pretty archaic, isn't it? It really is. Men's toilets, the idea that just have a fucking trough. The big trough.

Like, honestly, like if you're out in a field at a festival or whatever okay sure you know like it's understandable like that's i don't think any men were enjoying that experience i think we were all equally well you're not meant to really it's out of necessity right like you just yeah you gotta take a piss and they don't want you pissing everywhere every everyone feels the same you know like you realize that you do need to pee and this is your only option so it's like oh god i'm gonna have to just brave it yeah um anyway let's move on so the next one on the list uh will i am has announced he is a liquidarian right saying that he refuses to chew solid food On a month on Mondays. Yeah, and only eats certain foods certain days of the week So like he we so on Sunday, he says he'll eat a vegan burger and an avocado

and on Fridays he has a salad right and on the on on Sunday I have vegan solids and the rest of the days he has a salad. And on Sunday, I have vegan solids. And the rest of the days, he has just juice. This is an interesting one because he's a moron. If you've ever seen interviews with him, Will.i.am is not an intelligent man. He's an idiot. And he's also self-obsessed.

I love that this is triggering him so much. I'm not triggered. I'm motivated. Let's put it that way. He is self-obsessed, wealthy, and stupid enough that this could be true. And for me, the fact that you say vegan solids, that sounds like something someone might come up with that I think that might be true

because that's such a weird turn of phrase. But the days of the week thing, I wondered if that's a reference to a song in some way i'm gonna i'm gonna say not an april fool but i'm yeah i'm gonna say not an april fools as well he's a pretty essential guy this is not an april fools you're right uh he since christmas he has pancakes and vegan burgers on fridays sorry um saturdays uh some vegan solids i love it hard carbs i love that this is like you know you hear this and you think holy crap how has he done this and then you if you like sort of read between the lines it's like yeah i've only been doing it for like a day but this is the new me you know what i mean so on monday i only eat juice tuesday only juice wednesday only juice

with a salad and thursday juice with a salad friday juice with avocado and then repeat i have fish and a rice cake and then i couldn't i couldn't tell you how it's going because i've only been doing it for five minutes so what else have we got lulu right next up so the south australia police are gonna be adding much smaller dogs to their dog squad right this is this is bollocks the idea is that they can uh attach them to drones see this is which yeah well this one doesn't technically i mean the south australia police is not a thing no to people so people's heads. So this is already bollocks. So this police unit is responsible for all of the south of Australia? It's bollocks. It's clearly bollocks.

It's a big place. There is a genuine... It's a big place. That's like saying the south Canadian police. That doesn't make any sense. There is a real place. I will tell you that. Really?

It's not a fake Twitter account. It's absolute arse. Yeah, I don't believe this one at all. Well the story is an april fool but yes so there is a the south australia police that is a thing correct yeah it's a real thing uh that they announced i thought they only lived on the left bit and the right bit and all the rest of it was just uh inhabited by dingoes that was the middle part of it is mordor i I think. Yeah, Adelaide. That's well underneath. Nobody can live in Mordor from what I understand anyway. I don't know anything about Australia because I have no intention to go there. It's a hell infested desert.

It's just honestly, Australia, I've got nothing against you. It's just too far away. I mean, it's just way too long. Too many spiders and other things. I would like to go. When they invent like teleportation or maybe if Elon gets those rockets that can deliver people like to, you know, from here to China in two minutes or whatever. I might think about it after it's been, you know, tried, tested and true for a while. And by then probably be too old to travel anyway.

But man, it's just too far. Like I can't I can't think of any reasonable way for me to get there that I would enjoy. You know what I mean? Like sometimes i think i could go like on a cruise and it nah i'm not doing i don't want to do it i don't want to cruise all the way if i'm cruising anywhere i'm going to like the bahamas baby like i you know what i mean it's too it's too much it's too much so that's a that's an obvious false what else okay a chain What else? Okay. A chain of eco-friendly hair salons is going to be using customers' hair to clean up the ocean. Yeah, absolutely.

This is true. So it's going to be combined and weaved into nets that will soak up coastal oil spills. I've got a problem with this. All right. Number one, it's conceivable because obviously a lot of businesses are turning towards ecological stuff these days all right number one i don't see how hair is going to absorb these oils so i'm not sure about the physics of it but maybe there's some kind of treatment but this sounds like the sort of shit they'd come up with

in the daily mail because they love poking fun at anything to do with environmentalism as if it's like a waste of time i hadn't considered that that side of it, but honestly, this sounds... I'm going to say, all that aside, that this is true. This is real. I'm going to say false. Okay, well, actually, it is true. Gosh. Midlothian's barbers, and it's part of the Green Salon Collective,

which will be making the hairdressing industry more sustainable i feel like the hairdressing industry doesn't it's pretty sustainable already like i mean it's sustainable hair i mean i guess if you're using like electric clippers and stuff like that but honestly i think if you're just using hand scissors and they do always say you're supposed to shampoo twice, which feels like that's causing a lot of waste. It's twice as bad. I mean, I'm coming from the angle that's the secret. I don't get shampooed while I'm there.

Just why your hair is so glossy after you've been to the hairdresser because they shampoo you twice. I've never, ever shampooed twice in my life. And that's, I guess, what I'm doing wrong. I thought you were meant to shampoo once and rinse twice. I mean, you want to get it all out. I never get the hair wash and shampoo at the barbers. They just bust out the scissors and they start cutting. And it takes them not much time because I just don't have much hair left, you know?

When I still had hair, I went to Tony and Guy. I went to Tony and Guy one time. I treated myself to a fancy haircut well you might as well have make make i'm glad you made the most of it while you still i really didn't i only did that once he went to tony you banked those years of haircuts into a few years of expensive hair did you go to tony and guy once on a monday and that was part of your new the new you on a monday i only go to tony and guy and i drink only carrot juice but i've only done it for one monday yeah one monday that's a new me nice next a robot lizard

um is planning on um being used to study lizards right so they've built a robot lizard which will this is this is in sunshine coast australia um rather than study lizards they've actually built a robot lizard to study them yeah i mean lizards need a lot of studying i mean i think they've been studied you know i think they already know quite a bit about lizards but i guess maybe they just think that this little guy is gonna you know just sort of like fill in some of the the gaps maybe where we're missing some knowledge i think this is true it's too boring like i'm gonna say i'm gonna say it's not true because of the way lewis said it is true um it's true they've built a lizard that climbs up walls just like the real thing yeah which will helpfully hopefully give us better ways no data because uh lizards believe it or not probably aren't stupid enough to think that a

robot lizard is a real lizard and uh because it won't smell like anything or whatever magic lizards use to like differentiate stuff it's just gonna have it's gonna be empty like that it maybe has like a little ssd on there it's gonna have nothing on it like it's just gonna be empty all the time yeah right no data i just want to say i've gotten them all right so far i told you yeah i know you're very good very good thanks this is tricky i'm going too much by lewis's voice another one from australia brisbane the lord mayor of brisbane has announced that the koala was added as a city emblem last year right and then the tree frog was like another emblem but now they're actually announcing uh that they will also be adding the ibis as the hotel chain no the the bin chicken as the third emblem

of of brisbane is that true or an april fool i mean honestly that again so fucking boring like it's got to be true like i don't think i mean i wonder if it's a joke that only translates if you know about the ibis it would be like making the the diaper eating seagulls of bristol an emblem of bristol so i wonder if it translates for brisbonians yeah unless it's like a really sort of cultural thing where it's exactly that p flats it's exactly that yes it's um the bin chicken is a pest and a bane of tourists and locals everywhere and this is known over there yeah it's like making those horrible skanky pigeons right london the official logo of london yeah so it's it's definitely a terrible terrible joke sbs which is a streaming service have you ever heard of it

no special broadcasting service special broadcasting see this already sounds like bollocks but carry on it's the apparently it's the australian all of this stuff i don't know i don't know i guess it's because that's the thing i've looked up do they love it over there or something australia get a grip yeah come on australia just because i'm never going to visit you guys you don't have to you don't have to play it this way like just come on so they've added a couple of like uh settings to their streaming service over the last week one of them is called noir on demand right which makes basically any any time you can like basically put a setting on it like makes everything kind of like film noir like it's like an overlay like a filter like an instagram filter yeah like a filter film

noirs whatever you stream they can also um you can also have fun on demand which makes any elements that aren't like family friendly like a knife replaced by like a hairbrush oh this is um and then later on is they're going to launch you on demand, where you can actually put yourself into your favorite shows with like deep fake technology. Yeah, no, this is not even, yeah, it's not real at all. Utterballs. Do you think that was utter bollocks? Yeah.

Is it? Yes, it is utter bollocks. Correct. Wow. I actually was reading an article, which is theralian april fools i guess it's because um it's the morning and they don't officially announce all the april fools till lunchtime so i haven't actually got all of this year's proper ones haha we got you again we're gonna make a mascot a pigeon here's some more okay so uh the queen of england

yes always her majesty her majesty always keeps a personal box of chocolates with her with her with her at all times and no one else is allowed to eat them so man i don't know i think she's like this was announced i think that's fucking bullshit honestly i can imagine it because i can imagine the queen but she comes because she's the queen but honestly like i i think when at that point like in your life like maybe you would you would do those things but like i don't know would you though so here's my problem first of all if there are some chocolates for the queen who else is taking them that she needs to have a secret box of chocolates are the members of her household well if she's there she's there with some peanut m&ms a butler comes in and goes oh do you mind mom and just yoinks a peanut m&m

no of course not if they're the queens they're the queens no one's gonna mess with her she doesn't need that i've got to hide my chocolates philip he's to hide them you silly old witch you're the queen no one's going to steal from you mother can you spare a finger of kit kat please yeah honestly i don't think she needs to have i mean i i think even with all this stuff that's happened recently with harry and megan stuff i mean she she's pretty hardcore like you know she just the minute there was like a sniff of drama she's like juan is excused from royal duties i don't think she gives a fuck if somebody tries to take her chocolates i think she's just gonna lay the smack down yeah she just doesn't She doesn't need to hide her fucking chocolate. She's the queen.

Jesus. Well, this is actually true. It's from a new ITV documentary. Lady Pamela Hicks, the queen's second cousin, has said. So it's actually from the palace. This is probably bullshit, though. There's been so many of these right over the years. Well, we always wonder what's in her handbag

you know everyone's always questioned for years what she's carrying around in that little purse now it's a little box of you know delicious snacks like a twix maybe who knows for whatever whatever whatever your opinion is about about the royal family and i'm sure there's plenty of people who are who are against them listening to this podcast right now and i'm sure there are some people who love them listen to them right now you gotta you gotta admit it must be very very hard to be friends with anybody if you are a senior member of the royal family because whatever you tell them whatever confidence a cottage industry around leaking information about them they're just gonna run straight to the mirror or the fucking mail and say

the inside scoop on Liz's handbag. It's like, what the fuck, dude? You know, if you did that to a friend, it would be a big betrayal if you confided something to a friend or your friend came up to your house and immediately they went and told all your other friends what it was like inside your house. You'd be like, jeez, can you fucking calm down?

And when you're the queen, it's like, now it's news. It's out there in the press and you'll have journalists like Nicholas Wh witchell or whoever and your majesty is it true that you prefer polo mints over treeball mints because my sources indicate would you give it a rest she can't even use a tin of beans without them sticking by appointment to her majesty the queen on the side so they got no private life i understand why uh why she's very true off with that okay next up and and deck are rebranding to deck and ant right off then they should just they should just rebrand brand to to deck honestly i don't know how ant has made it back after all the

shit that he did it's crazy like where's cancel culture when it came to ant who is fucking drink driving and and almost killing people you know what I mean maybe that's a hot take sorry apologies for the temperature on the tape I just think it's a shitty thing to do agree and he's just back yucking it up on Saturday night every night on tv again like how the hell did he manage that and they're fucking disgusting sellouts did you watch a Tom Scott video about advertising on British telly? No. You've got to watch it.

It's about how they... So in the States, you'll see at the very start of shows, this contains product placement, right? Oh, I did see this. They just have to stick a little PP. The Disney advertising. Yes. And they did this,

we're going to fucking Disneyland. I can't believe it. We're in Disneyland. There's fucking Mickey Mouse. Look. We're in Disneyland. Let's have a fucking sing-along. And they shut down the whole park.

And it says at the start, it just goes, pee-pee. For like two seconds, there's a pee-pee in the top corner of the screen. And then we carry on with the show. It's like,

this is just a fucking advert. How are they getting away with this? It unbelievable i know it's bad such double standards it is fun can you believe that i'm a celebrity get me out of here is still going like man my tv know how to fucking beat a dead horse it's crazy they are the kings they are the kings they really are and you know what else you know what's even worse is they have their own formats that they beat like a dead horse but then when another better network is done with a format they fucking buy it and they keep running it for like decades after it's like i'm surprised they didn't pick up big Brother. Like, Jesus Christ. A pet chicken noodles the chicken.

Right. Can predict lottery numbers, right? And has pecked out five winning numbers of the latest EuroMillions and won a £150,000 prize. What do you think about that? It's one of those stories that's kind of eccentric enough to make it into british press for sure and i'm gonna say that it's probably true what i want to know is how do these stories get to the press are there journalists going around

and knocking on farmers doors got any chickens that predict the lottery numbers oh yes actually we have uh this is harold uh he got he got got five numbers correct, and now I've won £150,000. Take it to the press, quick. Hold the press, says the papers thing. Stop it. We've got a big page 17 story here. How do they get this? Does the farmer call them up?

Oh, are you interested in hearing about my chicken? Like, what happens? How does he get to the papers?'s interesting isn't it when you consider that that is in the papers in the first place and yeah how did it get there but then it makes you think what the fuck else are they putting yeah and who is responsible for it and why do i believe it i mean how much of the paper on the average day there's probably two pages of news and the rest is like we've got to fill these pages because we need we need a hundred pages and we've got to fill it so get out there and find me a fucking lottery number pick and chicken get me the pick and chicken

and get me a snake that can climb up a pole and get me a spider that can do maths and get me a fucking crossword puzzle doing loaf of bread do all those things all right sir and they just come up with this shit i mean how does it get out there how is this news what's happening um pizza hut i have announced uh a new sort of merch which is a this is gonna be in april fools for sure you know there's umbrellas pizza kfc all the big places that go on your head yeah it's an umbrella colored like a pizza fuck off next yeah next haha pizza hut you got us again hilarious okay let's go buy some pizza i did like i i did like the kfc rebranding during uh covid though where it was like finger licking good but they crossed out

finger licking so it's just good that is that is funny that is actually clever yeah it was really still these are vast manipulative corporations that are destroying the planet so ha ha you fucking cunts next uh skoda have um built into their new car radio system an auto-tune that will automatically listen to what you're singing and correct the pitch. Fuck off. Okay, fuck off. I mean, I'm not being funny.

I know several people who are completely tone deaf, and it would be pretty nice. I've got to be one of them. You are close, but I don't think you're as tone deaf as my friend be it would be pretty nice i'm gotta be one of them you're close but i i don't think you're you're not as tone deaf as uh my friend shane for example who couldn't hear a note if it if his life man shane strikes me if you ever needed a face to put to the term tone deaf like you know when you somebody says something and you immediately think shane's face is is the one for me i would think of it but here's the the thing. He tries like he and he throws his, you know, there's a lot of effort in there.

I'm just I'm just deflecting because I know that I am pretty tone deaf. But, you know, I want somebody else to be more tone deaf. So I'm he's very tone deaf. I'm exaggerating. I'm not trying to flame you, Shane. You know, I love you, buddy. And I also know you don't listen to the trifles. He probably doesn't listen anyway.

So Volkswagen have set up like their electric car division oh right okay i guess they just got sick of dumping like massive amounts of co2 into the that's right and lying about it so now they've switched over to that good for you volkswagen well done. And it's going to be called Volkswagen. Okay. Like the volts, you know, with the... Yeah. Okay. Is that real or not real? No.

Okay, well... I love how this is just becoming more and more angry. Well, it's a bit more that, though. So they originally put this out last week, and when people questioned them on it they said it wasn't an april fool it wasn't an april fool this is technically not an april fool this is technically actual announcement however it's not real it's like a marketing stunt right so they didn't they're so poor at marketing they didn didn't realize April Fool's Day was coming. They put it out as a kind of joke marketing stunt.

And as a result, it's kind of just left a lot of people very confused. Oh, my God. You know, I do wonder how many companies think of some like a marketing gamble where they're like, do you reckon people will like this or not? And they're like, I don't know. This could really blow up in our faces. Let's put it out on april 1st and if it's if it's shit and the response is really bad we'll just say yeah lol that was just an april fools that's a clever way to slip some shit marketing past the public yeah yeah because you get a free do-over you just get to say oh no no that was just a joke

yes yeah you can and it could just be like oh it's it's like you could test stuff on the on the public like people some a lot of april fools have become reality because the public had such a good you know response they should do that that sounds amazing they should do that and then they're like yeah that was our plan all along that was the the original one i remember where people were like oh they should do that was the um the world of warcraft april fools that one year where it was like was it pandaren pizza or something where people thought that they would be able to order pizza like through the game while they were raiding or something like that and back then obviously nothing like that really existed so people were

like kind of excited that this was this was something that could happen but um yeah now it's like well it it has happened i guess and i just i just hate april fool so much so so very much so here's one uh a mystery virus uh while the coronavirus is affecting us this is a little on the nose yeah it is affecting black bears in the u.s this was posted yesterday making them friendlier towards humans than usual um this is a very dangerous april fool's joke is it kind of been creating these like bear cubs turning like bear cubs to lose all their fear of humans and behave like dogs um and kind of like approach people and be friendly. And apparently a young bear was totally comfortable

around a group of people letting them pick it up, eating an apple. Oh my God, why are they picking it up? If this is not an April Fool's. If untreated, it can be deadly. Right. Tell me right now,

is this bollocks? Apparently, according to this article on the BBC, April Fool april fool's day 10 stories that look like pranks but aren't this is the story that is true god so wait you're out in the woods somewhere hiking or maybe you're having a picnic and a bear approaches well and your reaction is oh he seems pretty friendly more realistically give him a cuddle you're behind a restaurant near the dumpsters and you see a bear and you decide that you're gonna pick up the bear and start cuddling it and stuff come on apparently in one case a cute bear cub climbed fearlessly onto a snowboarder's board near the north star resort showing none of the caution a wild animal

animal would normally show around humans this i don't think this is i don't know this seems this seems a bit suspicious to me i don't think the responsibility for that is on the bear like if i'm the snowboarder i'm showing the normal human reaction of a bear coming close to me and i'm running the fuck away no like even are you meant to run uh from a bear cub yeah with bears i think you're supposed to run from bears you gotta yeah you're supposed to play dead i think are you i thought that was i love how we have really conflicting there's something you're supposed to you're supposed to punch a shark on the nose right you're supposed to or slap the water for a lion aren't you or or or a bull i'll be honest with you in every single circumstance involving a wild animal i'm

running yeah you can't run away from like a cheetah for example well no but i don't think they go after people because they go after you if you're running if you're petting their cubs they're they're coming after you oh yeah what i'm saying is if i'm out and a bear or something is like at the other side of the path we are running like i don't care if there's an alternative the very the very most basic fundamental human instincts are fight or flight i'm choosing flight unless we have the tools to fight i wouldn't go for a walk even if i had the tools i would not be fighting a bear if i have a gun i'm shooting that bear sorry bear i'm shooting you no offense so okay next up a baby emu right a goat a baby goat and a baby goose walk into a walk into a bar uh have become best friends after meeting at the

same animal center and they they are they're like a little gang you see shit like this all the time it's taz the emu alfred the kid and a gosling called wiggle emu goat goose correct i mean it's so boring it's probably true it's just a way to advertise the animal center i'm gonna say true it looks like it is true yeah there's lots of cute pictures of them hanging out together Who would have thought those three fairly docile herbivores Could get along. Yeah with like with brains like the size of a pea as well. Oh my god It sounds like the Triforce podcast. Just getting along so well. Yeah, this week's show is sponsored by Express VPN. Thank you very much.

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I recommend it. It doesn't log your data. I know that some of the free ones sell your data to ad companies. ExpressVPN doesn't do that. It's got a technology called Trusted Server. Second off, it's the fastest one I've used and I don't even notice ExpressVPN is running. Yeah, I've been using it for like nearly a year now probably and I just always have it on in the background. It's really easy to use. Even, you know, my mum can use it if she wants to. I don't actually think she goes on the computer very much, but maybe I should get it set up for her. It's just an app. You

click a button. It's easy and it's well reviewed. So yes, ExpressVPN, thank you very much. Protect yourself with the VPN that we use. Use expressvpn.com slash Triforce today and get an extra three months free on a one-year package expressvpn.com slash triforce on with the show so i got a bag of um bird seed this week okay so like you can get them for really cheap yeah and it's like yeah but in a same way that they add like methanol to rubbing alcohol to stop people drinking it. Right. They add like mealworms and stuff to this seed mix.

Right. Just to stop humans eating it. Right. Because I get the impression that people think, oh, bird seed. I think birds like those as well, though. They do. I'm sure they do. The robins love those.

But for me, I was almost like, oh, this is some healthy seed mix. It's got like a, it's got like a it's got like a sunflower seeds in it it's got like little bits of you know stuff that pumpkin seeds i was like this looks great and i was just about to eat some and i was like i wonder what this thing is and then i realized with horror that it was like a fucking worm so you think that the bird so you went to buy bird seed and thought it looked good and were going to eat some bird seed. I did buy it. Yeah, I was going to eat some because I snack on that stuff.

Did you buy it to eat for yourself? It's good enough for me. So you bought it for yourself? No, I bought it for the birds. Yes. I mean, I don't think they're adding it in there to stop people eating it. Why would they care? This isn't an April Fool.

This is just my brain. Yeah, I know. Why would they care? Your brain is an April Fool, Lewis. They don don't want people buying cheap it's really cheap it's like a quid for like a fucking kilo but you think they're in league with the with fucking graze like that company that sells tiny packets of seeds for a five but you think they're in league with them they go great you better not be selling big bags of seeds because people will eat them we'll fucking have you stick some worms in there. Why?

We'll do it right away. And they put worms in there. I think it is that. No. I think it's like to stop. I reckon it is. It's not. I reckon it is.

I went to Costco and we bought a huge, huge bag. It's like a giant sack of bird seed. There were no mealworms in there. We had to buy the mealworms separately. They don't care. Oh, you mean I got a luxury mealworm? You got the luxury mealworm. Yeah, you got like the tesco's finest of bird seed bags i'm sure also you know what it says with mealworm what you can do especially in the summer to help hydrate

the the robins and the other birds that like tiny mealworms uh you can soak them in water to rehydrate them and then oh that's something. Oh, that's something I'm definitely going to be doing. Fuck that. Fuck that. They can eat the dry mealworm and I'll leave them some water. But yeah, I was like, Jesus. Another thing you can do, Flax, is you can chew up the mealworm and spit it into their open mouths if they're having too much trouble, you know, doing it themselves.

Right. Well, I'm sure there's activists across the world doing that right fucking now as we speak. Probably in Australia. That's the kind of place that that sort of stuff happens. Yeah. So Mary Poppins star, Dick Van Dyke, you might remember him. Yeah. Do you remember how he was out?

Not him, but like there was a lot of feed of the birds and stuff in that movie, right? Right. Giving out stuff in the street to birds. There was a lot of feed of the birds and stuff in that movie, right? Right. Giving out stuff in the street to birds. Dick Van Dyke this week has been giving out money in the street. Right.

So he's 95. Yeah. He's one of those guys I cannot believe he's still alive. Yeah, it's wild. He's in great shape. And yeah. So do you think this is true or false? That he was giving out money?

Yeah, giving out money in the street. Is he going senile? No, he's perfectly sane as far as I can tell. He's fine. I mean, if he's like, yeah, I he's perfectly sane, as far as I can tell. He's fine. I mean, if he's like, yeah, I'd believe it. Yeah, sure. That's right. So it's true.

He was withdrawing money. He was seen withdrawing money from a bank and then giving it out in a queue of people who were trying to find jobs in Malibu. Where he lives in Malibu. So I guess he's helping people in his local community by just giving them money. Some of his Mary Poppins riches. Some of his royalties from Mary Poppins. Dacia, you know the car company? Yeah.

I think they're Romanian. It's a Romanian manufacturing. It's a Renault company, but it's like a budget company. It's got Renault engines and everything else is like meant to be budget, but scalable sort of thing. Wow. I'm amazed you know so much about Dacia. I'm a Renault man, Flex. Get that as a tattoo. Renault man.

Renault man. I'm a Renault man, baby. Yeah, no, I was going to buy a Dacia because we needed a new car. But we didn't want to get something too expensive because we got small kids who were just going to like puke and shit in the back of it and stuff like that. So we're like looking for something like more budget or whatever. But then we found um something better second hand that we just bought it instead so there you go good story uh so they are announcing that they are going to launch the world's first affordable space program

okay this is a joke yep next we're all about delivering value for money without compromising on quality. Launching a car into space is the obvious next step. So there you go. They're going to follow in Tesla's footsteps and launch a Dacia. Yeah, Elon already did it, didn't he? Isn't there a Tesla like in orbiting Mars or something like that? I'm over the moon that we can begin to start sending our rugged and robust Dacia Dusters to

seriously new heights today. Yes, this is The Duster. Why would you call a car the Duster? They got the Duster, they got the Sandero, they got the they got a whole bunch of different ones. So, a comic book company

Which one? They have announced I'll tell you in a minute. They have announced that they will be publishing a comic about the US First Lady Jill Biden. Okay. Yes. Which company? Well, it's part of the Female Force series of books which have done one about Mother Teresa and Dolly Parton already.

Mother Teresa was a piece of shit. I'm kind of surprised they did a comic book about her. Yes, she was a piece of shit. That's right. Is she the villain in the comic book? Like a living, breathing piece of shit. And Jill Biden and... With a nun cap on. And Dolly Parton. And Kamala Harris is going to get one.

Wait, what happened? What's all this hatred towards Mother Teresa? I must have missed something. Just go and do your research and you'll find out all about the wicked Mother Teresa. And the only power strong enough to stop her is the combined forces of jill biden kamala harris and dolly parton i would watch this yeah i would watch this show if it was like the

boys as well except it'd be the girls it'd be the gals the gals yeah oh the gals of course because dolly's gals yeah oh that sounds come on girls we got some asses to kick dude and they all go down there playing some classic dolly parton tunes in the background yeah she was a religious imperialist who prayed on the most vulnerable in the name of harvesting souls for jesus that's how i would put it right that's what she did apparently right she she encouraged members of her order to secretly baptize dying patients. She was just a bit of a... She was like, you know, people were just... She just did some horrible things, really.

She didn't deserve the kind of blanket, kind of, you know, angelicness with which the world seems to have... They put her in the same sentence as Florence Nightingale, when in fact, you know, she did some terrible stuff. So you know what I find interesting is, you know when you become a saint, you're canonized, right? Unfortunately, that doesn't mean they shoot you out of a canon. It literally means they have to find a miracle or two

that you're responsible for. And in the past, it seemed a lot easier, because you just said, um when we were talking about wales uh saint andrew isn't it the patron no the saint andrew was scholar saint david was a patron saint of wales i think um he gave a sermon and the next day there was a hill there where he'd given that sermon that's his miracle now if you said nowadays mother teresa did some healing and the next day there was a hill there people would check google earth and be like there's no fucking that hill was there last year this is ridiculous

you could get away with a lot when it came to canonizing saints back in the day okay yeah but what if she did some healing but then like entered a csgo tournament and got like five 360 no scope headshots like back to back then is then that's the modern day equivalent that's exactly i'm just reading the wikipedia entry for and that is exactly she was canonized for uh owning tavo on in a game of csgo owning noobs left right wow i didn't realize that's a real that case i take it back yeah you know i take it i take it back yeah i'm sure she did some good things too and but but also i don't know so i think that that that sort of just have to be careful anyway is this true or not are they are

they making comics about jill biden and kamala harris i can believe it yeah probably yeah they are doing it yes it's true they're gonna put some female force comic books out featuring these exciting strong women in the world today who are great role models yeah um so yeah they've done hillary clinton before they've done nancy reagan before um so yeah yeah it's it's it's a good series if you're interested check it out female force comic books sorry ladies but it does and i'm pretty sure any women listening to this podcast are rolling their eyes as well because that just sounds like the biggest pile of work yeah and not when i read comics i actually just want to have some fun and i doubt i honestly cannot imagine reading a comic about jill biden

that would be like yeah man this is such a great story i love the part where she makes a cup of coffee and then has a conversation with her husband and then you know goes to a meeting like oof thrilling fuck off yeah no i think i mean that's a good summary last year there was some pretty terrible um failed april fools i remember there was one about this this k-pop star joke that he had kofit when he was in hospital. Hilarious. That is pretty bad. I mean, of all the things to... That's just so fucking... First of all, that's completely tone deaf.

Second of all, how is that funny? Actually, like, the whole point of an April Fool isn't to just fool people into thinking that you are going to die of an infectious disease that people are dying from around you. If he'd said, I got the bubonic plague, lol, then, you know, at least it's not topical. But to literally pluck COVID out of there,

that's so fucking dumb. There was a lot of high-profile people who have announced that they're pregnant on April Fool's Day before. Like Justin Bieber did it, Gwen Stefani did it, like a few other people have done it over time. Bieber announced that he was pregnant yes i think that's the correct way of describing it you can say that when your

girlfriend or wife is oh right okay in that oh sorry okay i thought it was just yes by the way tavo is actually a dota 2 player i'm thinking of taco so sorry taco taco lindsey lohan also tweeted till the april fools that she was pregnant. Good old Lindsay Lohan. She's still, I mean, honestly, she wouldn't know if she was or not.

She's, she has no idea. She has no control over her life whatsoever. I've enjoyed, I've enjoyed these stories. I think these, these are all, I think this has been really interesting.

I think it's, it's interesting to see how cynical you sound hesitant in committing well i guess like i guess i've read this list of stories that aren't april fools but it could be you know i feel like they see i feel like there's stories like that all year round yeah i mean like we're constantly nowadays yeah there's like uh there's like like like pranks and jokes and stuff like that have been sort of like all year round popularized on youtube and shit like that right so there's a lot more it's just it makes the world feel a little more whimsical in a way like there's a

lot of random weird shit that happens uh and it is interesting to look at it because it's just like half the stuff that happens like everybody's got a story about a weird coincidence or something fucking crazy that's happened in their life and this stuff just happens you've got so many incidents so many events happening every day yeah you're gonna get weird shit happening strange strange bruise strange one thing i was one thing i was thinking about this week i don't know why was car horns right right how do you use how do you use a car horn aggressively i barely ever i i barely use one i don't think exactly my horn honestly right exactly sips p flex how often do you use your car horn um i use it if someone's being a twat and needs to be informed of this

right okay but do you think do you think that's a reasonable excuse to use it i'm not using it like if someone cuts me up or someone is reversing into me or someone is clearly about to step out in front of my car or someone has just endangered my car by being a prick, then yeah, they get a toot of the horn. Okay, I guess what I'm asking

just in case they don't even fucking see you there, it's worth doing. I guess I'm asking you're a car designer, maybe you're Dacia, you know, you're a car designer maybe you're you're dacia you know you're going into space right and they're trying to cut things from the car can you hear it though i just say when you build a car obviously where these car companies put the cars together the horn the car horn is a part of it every car has to have one they're very important but i'm wondering why like what are the because

when i had had have driven cars or own cars or work for cars i the only time i press the horn is probably by accident do you know what i mean when i lean on the steering wheel or i maybe have been waiting outside someone's house for them and they're not coming that's not cool all right the only time i ever honk my horn is as a joke. If my kids aren't paying attention, like they're in the living room and I'm just leaving the house and I can see them, I'll honk the horn just to like get like a little bit of like a woo. You know, like they. Right. To wake up your kids.

I feel like none of these excuses are what horns. what horns i mean i remember the only thing i can possibly remember that the thorn would be used for when i was being taught to drive was when you were going around blind corners in the dark yeah to let people in the dark the headlights give you away yeah it's during the day that's when if i'm going around a very tight blind corner i'll sometimes give it a beep if i'm reversing and i can't see what's behind me i might give a little boop boop like this is a very english thing though because some of the roads over here are just like that right like i don't know if you'd encounter that yeah i think the main reason is to alert another driver to your presence like that's pretty much it so if they are if they are pulling into your lane like on the motorway like happens sometimes people

are just drifting from the outside lane to the insideway, like happens sometimes, people are just drifting from the outside lane to the inside lane. You give them a little toot, and they'll correct it. Because people zone out, driving for hours. I get it. Mistakes happen, and that's what your horn is for. I just feel like if we had a little monitor on everyone's horn, and we tracked everyone secretly.

Here we go. Imagine people had a number. The government tracked everyone secretly like you know like imagine people had like a number yeah we the government tracked everyone's horns and then they signed them a number on your skin what number could it be 666 the mark of the beast well that's what you're talking about isn't it lewis it's it's joe biden's mark of the beast and lewis is promoting it i think people like i'm i'm walking around bristol a lot and i noticedis is promoting it i think people like i'm i'm walking around bristol a lot and i noticed obviously obviously some cities you go to like italy they the car horn is just another extension of their voice oh my god new york is the same yeah and the same they can't possibly communicate without punctuating it we're like people just get excited you know

they're around people there's a lot going on there's a lot of noise and they're just like oh fuck yeah i'm just gonna honk my horn a little you know like they just get they just go a little crazy like but they're having fun it's just part of the hustle and bustle of their but i i don't necessarily agree from this is maybe the british cynical attitude that that the only time you use a horn is to alert a twat that he's doing something wrong and as a result so it's like an anti-twat device basically but but people's definition of twats are different like real assholes real pricks they are thinking everyone's a twat you know an old lady crossing the road is a twat do you know what i mean like and so they honk that person and accelerate past them and i'm like man like i reckon if we just had a little monitor for everyone's

horns we'd be able to identify who the twats are well do you know what i thought of something flag them when i was driving i just this feeds into what you're talking about lewis i have the solution i just think that you know we could tell who twats are by how often they use their horn right but there's a better way it's like a little there's a better way and i spent a lot of time in fact when i've been driving down to bristol this this idea came to me you know the way we have likes and we have all these emotes on facebook how about because we're going to have heads up displays in cars we need those urgently i think the other cars on the road have a rating like a like a google reviews rating out of five

or like an Uber rating out of five. Smiley faces, unhappy faces. If someone's driving like a dickhead, you can tag their car with a sad face and downvote their driving. Oh my God, you're brilliant. That's brilliant. Then you can see it's like a 3.8 on there.

So when you're coming along, you know when someone's waiting to come out and you stop and give them a little flash of the lights, which you shouldn't do, by the way. My driving instructor was very clear about that. You can point to a specific car and wave them, but you should never flash your lights because another person might think you're flashing them. And then you have an accident and you're liable. They'd have a field day over here. Like the culture over here for driving is like you flash your lights at everyone, even if like no matter what.

It's just like it's like cars saying hello to each other over yeah it's just the done thing like can you imagine you could have like right you know it's essentially a rate my driving and obviously you'd get trolls going around they're just downvoting everyone but if you're doing that then your rating is deleted so if you're just going around downvoting everybody you like you your rating is it averages out well yeah you have to give an equal amount of up and down votes otherwise your vote is essentially ignored if you're just giving downs then they don't count right yeah but you'll get people you know so i'm driving along and i see someone wants to pull out of a side street now i could slow down and let them out and it pops up

on their rating 2.1 fuck that i'm not letting that guy out that's that's how they learn and they're like oh it's that bloody rating again. Oh. But they're getting punished. No, but the problem is... Because if I let that guy out, he might have cut three people over and beeped an old lady on his way to that junction.

And I'm there going, after you, sir. And he's like, dickhead, and driving off. Whereas now I see his rating. I'm like, he ain't getting out. I'm going to fucking go in front of him. Someone contact Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror, guys. Let's fucking get that as an episode. I love that.

Road rage, like 3.0. That's a fucking great idea. If you get downvoted too much, they take your car away and stick you in a Dacia. Yeah, and fire you into space. Into space. Yes, that sounds good. All right, well, that's enough of podcasting for today.

Thank you, everybody. Hey, thank you. For joining us. Thank you. No, thank you. Well, of course, at time of recording, we like all of the american april fools and most of the british ones as well so that's why it was australian focused i guess but we hate it so and you should too yeah yeah and uh an apology for any mother teresa fans out there or ant and deck fans

or anybody else that we sort of condemned as being some sort of irredeemable arsehole. Yes. Our opinions are our own. That's just how we feel. Right? That's just how we feel sometimes. Especially when we're cranky on it. Go fuck yourself.

Thursday morning, yeah. Get out of the way. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Get out of the fucking way, asshole. We're talking. All right. Bye. Bye.

Bye.