Triforce! - Triforce! #188: Worst Comedians, Best Tortoise

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

Triforce! Episode 188! While Sips can't stop playing Final Fantasy 14 we're talking about some terrible stand up comedians. Also, Lewis falls in love with a 100 year old tortoise. Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Oh, what was that little lovely nugget of audio that you just heard? That was the new sting for the start of podcasts that are in our podcast network what we have just made called the Pickaxe Network. We're going to put all the Oxcast podcasts in there.

And hopefully there's a lot of people in the Oxcast and beyond who should be doing podcasts. And hopefully this network will be a way to make that happen, to cross-promote each other and be very, very good. We're not owned by some big corporation. It's just still the Oxcast. So yes, the quality is going to be as high as always.

Hope you like what we're doing. And thank you for listening to our podcasts. Just, I'm sorry to interrupt your scheduled programming. Back to the episode of whatever podcast you're listening to right now, which I assume is Triforce. I should stop now. Hello everyone and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. Thanks for joining us.

Oh man, thanks for being here, gosh. What a time. It's always a pleasure to hang out with my buds. And also thanks to the audience. Oh god, yeah, thank you too audience. Oh, God, yeah. Thank you, too. Thanks for listening to this crap. Cheers.

So, what is... Are you playing a game, Sips? I can hear some keyboards. What are you playing? I'm playing Final Fantasy XIV. You are not. You're playing it while we're doing the podcast. I always play games while we do the podcast. It's a gaming podcast.

That's so rude, man. No, listen. This game is so mindless, though. It's an MMO, right? So it's like, deliver 12 hot dogs to Gary in this faraway place. Okay. And I run there and I deliver the hot dogs. And when I'm done, I get that overwhelming sense of achievement after delivering the hot dogs.

I can hear the keystrokes of you move in to deliver the hot dogs right i do have a mechanical keyboard so uh so we're gonna what are you doing right now and who are you playing i want to know if you're gonna if you're gonna be playing this through the whole podcast i'm gonna have to listen to the key keystroke i created a new character so that i can i can stream this a bit later on and maybe see if I can get something going. I created a character called Old Hogan. He is a big brawny bruiser. And right now I'm slaying rats and ladybugs.

It's the start of my adventure. And this cannot wait until 11 when we finish the podcast. You can't save this as well, this gold, for your audience? I feel like you should treat them with it. No, no. when we finish the podcast. You can't save this as well, this gold for your audience, do you know what I mean? I feel like you should treat them with it. No, no. The thing is, I have much less time nowadays,

so I've got to be a lot more efficient. I have to multitask a lot, you know? Even today, I did squats while I brushed my teeth. Did you? I did. I usually just... Brush your teeth?

I usually go to loo and do squats. Right. Well, not me. In the shower. Yeah. I do like all four at once. Yeah. That's a good idea.

I'm like a machine. I am too. Just... I'm a lean, mean questing machine and squatting machine and tooth brushing machine as well. Are you concerned that you're not going to be... I mean, the thing about MMOs is that they don't end, right? No, they never do. I mean, you're playing, I guess, quests if you just started from literally 10 years ago.

Yes. And you've got like four expansions worth of trying to keep people a monthly subscription going. It's massive. It is a huge game, man. Oh, yeah. It's surprisingly big everyone's jumped ship from wow after all after all the blizzard stuff and everyone's now talking about final fantasy 14 it's the it's the hot new mmo there have been some other ones come out like

new world like yeah well that's not out yet that's coming out pretty soon but uh i think uh you know what lewis you particularly i think you'd like this it's a very focused on solo play for an mmo which you like it i didn't like it i played it like um during the lockdown because i was getting a bit lonely yeah the year ago and it was on offer for like i don't know 95 off or something so i was like i'll pick it up yeah and it had a free month so i was like oh i don't want to pay for a month but no I didn't renew my subscription no I funny funny story uh from me uh in that regard I subscribed to this game for about 400 days I got all these rewards for being subscribed and everything total play time like two hours uh just didn't cancel my sub just yeah I hated the

website the interface and i couldn't bear to to do it and i just kept putting it off putting it off putting it off didn't realize that a year had gone by so i gotta get my money's worth of this game now i've i've paid a year's worth of subscription for it and i haven't played it so i subscribed to google's thing stadia for a year by accident oh nice and um yeah I just cancelled that this week. But I signed up because it had Orcs Must Die 3 on it, which you played recently. Yeah, yeah, I loved it.

Because that just came out on Steam. And I was like, oh, shit, that's the game I subscribed to Stadia for. I wonder whether I'm still... Of course I am. Yeah. That's how they get you. But yeah, Orcs Must Die 3 is okay. It's good.

I saw you streaming it. I loved it, yeah. I saw you having you streaming it. I loved it, yeah. I saw you having fun with it. I thought it was great. Humankind came out this week, which I had quite a bit of fun with. I think it's quite fun. Yeah, I played it a while back.

I enjoyed it, yeah. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, it's got the whole of it now, which it's a bit weird, but it's pretty good. Is it weird because you're not good at it yet, or is it weird because it's actually weird? You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a bit it's a bit weird but it's pretty good is it weird because you're not good at it yet or is it weird because it's actually weird you know what i mean yeah it's a bit weird i tried playing it uh when it was available i think it was on epic or something and you could play the beta or

something yeah it's kind of like sieve right but it was like they had a series of pre-releases they've made endless legend they've made these strategy games before yeah which have been okay yeah okay my biggest problem is because i played that other one what's it called ancient old world ancient world oh yeah what was that game sorry to derail here slightly but what was that game that we played was it off world trading company yeah when we played it and the voice lines were like not complete or whatever yeah that was such a game i hate these bastards oh yeah man that was so funny the thing with old world is that they took one of the most frustrating parts out of all of those 4xs out of every 4x i've ever played which is it takes forever to move your fucking units around like really frustratingly and that's what makes it

board gamey so old world doesn't really have that you can move your lads quite far um and what limits it is that you have a number of orders that you can give per turn but your unit mobility is quite large and it should be yeah because if you're saying five years have passed why have my lads moved two tiles in five years like that doesn't make sense yeah like to have this historical thing was like this is going to take us 15 turns to build that's like hundreds of years okay fair enough but then why does it take my lads that long to move from one end of my small empire to the other is kind of silly so they kind of took that out because i always felt it meant it made war and it made responding to war so fucking difficult and encourage you to just have a small turtley empire because you can't like

not i'm not even talking like conquering half the world like ancient rome or whatever i'm just talking about a little three or four city empire why does it take me 10 turns to move my lads it's daft so they took that out of it that's like the equivalent of a hundred years of time right to like somewhere um what was it ancient not not ancient legend um what was it endless legend yeah yeah your lads move unbelievably slowly in that and like even though they've got all this magic and they can build cities you have to research roads which i never understood you should they know how to do roads themselves flax you have to learn how to do it but we can build a tower that reaches higher than any

building in the city no problem roads what's that what the fuck man give us roads they're so stupid why can't i build city walls i'd like to see you make a road mr uh roads are stupid you couldn't it wouldn't be a good road nobody'd want to use it it'd be a shit road what are you talking about i'm not making a terrible road yeah well yeah but you seem to hold a lot of judgment towards people who want to aspire to make a road. No, I'm saying why can't, why don't they start with road technology, given that they also have all this engineering technology? I'm not an engineer. They clearly have engineers.

Clearly not. Because of the shit they've built. They start with like wizards. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I feel like. What do you think? They should conjure a road.

They should death stranding a road Yeah fucking whatever Do it Spawn one in But the funny thing is With Endless Legend I've always I always wanted a Civ version of it

Because it was all Crap Like it was always like What should I research? Oh you want to research Spondylating Magic Wingles

Yeah yeah Which has been a long time complaint of ours about 4X games is if it's set in a non-Earth universe, the technology needs to have names that sound like real things. You cannot call it some crazy fucking word and have some image of something

that doesn't look like anything you've ever seen and be like, this will give you access to nurdles and creep flobbles. I don't know what any of this is. Those are accessible early in the game? That sounds a little bit OP earlier than roads mate that's stupid as hell. You start off

with the nurbles and furbles what a, okay well that's a no buy from me no buy so yeah I'll be doing that. Hey listen Flex, games that you might like if you've never played it before um i would recommend um trying out project zomboid it's uh it's changed

a lot if you played it a long time ago played it a very long time ago okay if you played it a very long time ago and i hated it what you what you want to do is um uh boot it up again go to the betas um setting in steam and go for build 41 which has like all the new stuff that they're working on man it's great it's changed a lot it's really fun so is it still like an almost top-down ish you're a lad surviving in a town and you go around and try and like loot and stuff it's a bit through the day and the night and all the rest of it and you barricade windows and doors yeah and then yeah and and fight zombies and try to survive and is it is it a single player game it's single player with multiplayer coming you you will be able to play it multiplayer um that sounds like

it might be quite fun yeah yeah because you can imagine um i think when i tried playing a multiplayer we had it set up for uh when you joined if you died you were banned from the server so you couldn't just come back you know like as a new guy or whatever that's awesome yeah yeah so like there's there's there's definitely things that you can do to to make it a bit more interesting um if you play solo if you load up a map and you play a character and your character dies and gets turned into a zombie you can then create a character on the same map and go and hunt down your previous zombified character kill it and take all of his stuff and you'll still have access to any bases or anything that you built or whatever which is

kind of cool too um we had a couple of runs like i've been playing recently had a couple of runs where i spawned in almost right next to where my previous guy died so i was able to just quickly pick up where i left off or if you want to go for like the the true hardcore experience just make a new map every time you die and start from scratch which is pretty fun too um but it's nice it's uh it's got all the uh it's got lots of like really sort of uh deep uh mechanics and stuff um and it's it's just it's just really fun to try to survive and i'll give it a go yeah it's i mean at the moment i'm on a rimworld tip so i've just been playing that for the last couple of weeks yeah yeah uh because i they've just um this ideology thing has come out for it where you

can design a religion and some people were asking well what's the point but if you think about it a lot of people that play rimworld want to play it a different way some people like uh like i i just like to sort of turtle and try and get my guys into a decent place where we can build the ship and fuck off other people want to build like um oh I harvest the organs of my prisoners and all this kind of stuff yeah so if you want like I actually but it's difficult because sometimes I like how those are the two play styles those are but the thing is like sometimes they're not mutually exclusive no they are because it pisses off your colonists okay but have you ever tried playing it like this flex every time somebody um annoys you even if it's an animal or whatever admit you have to administer a smoke leaf joint to them whether they like it

or not no i haven't because that's a fun way of playing too but if you wanted you could make it so that your people actively seek that out so previously sometimes you would have this funky play style but your people would get upset about it like they'd be like you say that people you say that people don't actively hunt out a smoke leaf choice no really listen i don't know if i ever told you this story about the one time i was playing rimworld i had a uh i had a colonist who got into a gunfight and was shot in the head but didn't die, but had such bad brain damage that they became a vegetable. So they were still alive in a sense, like they were still breathing and just occupying a bed full time. And people would come in and wash them and feed them every day and stuff. So one day we decided, hang on a a second let's make life a little bit more

interesting for this person and force them to smoke a joint because why not right well it killed them they died so we can kill okay contrary to popular belief yeah i thought it would make their life better too but no it actually it just, it just aced them straight away. Can you imagine if he just stood up and be like, wow. Just lips touch the, touch the dube and that was it. Did they administer it wrong or something? I don't know how you can do that. I mean, they didn't try to shove it up their ass or anything like that.

I think if they've got any kind of brain injury, I think if you take the smoke leaf, it essentially counts as like an injury or a modifier to the brain. So I guess it just pushed them over the edge or something like that. But yeah, so if you wanted, you could design a religion

where that was like, your whole thing was getting high. And you can also have a bunch of cannibal nudists and they get upset if they're not eating human meat. So if you want to build that kind of sort of run, you can do that. And you know, you get bonuses and you get upset if they're not eating human meat. So if you want to build that kind of sort of run, you can do that. And, you know, you get bonuses and you get special rituals.

So we have two rituals in my religion, baldism or goontopia, I think this one is. And you can, we have like a big celebration. We have like a big conversion ritual where we try to convert people to our religion. And we also have a public execution ritual. And the best thing is you do the execution on one of your prisoners and the people will be like, that was a public execution ritual. And the best thing is you do the execution on one of your prisoners

and the people will be like, that was a good execution. It gives them a boost in their morale. Or they could be like, that was a really mediocre execution. I'd love to know what's going on in the execution that you're like, eh, it was okay, eh, wasn't anything special. And what happens when it's a really corking execution that really cheers everybody up? I want more details.

I guess that was like in medieval times. people would all come out for the executions like it was an event and they'd buy the peanuts and stand around you know eating them and and wait for some guy to have his head chopped off and they want they want him to you want to have it a nice clean in one you don't want him to like miss a few times if he was a dickhead you wouldn't mind that but i think i don't know if some of it was to see someone famous almost like if you're a medieval peasant and suddenly there's the you know the one of henry the eighth's wives he's had enough of you get to go and see wow there she is and they're gonna cut it off oh yeah it'll be quite exciting i guess man what a game it's such a such a good one it's it's so so talking about uh about famous, I was just looking up Zooey Deschanel this morning

because I remember that she was in everything a few years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's not in anything anymore. So here's a list of Zooey Deschanel in the 2000s. Between 2000 and 2010, 28. 28 movies between 2000 and 2009. That's a lot. In 2007, she put four, five films out.

Wait, sorry, seven films. So you're saying her active period sort of just promptly ended in 2009. Yes, she had a decade where she was in fucking everything. Then in 2011, she did a couple of movies. Then there was four years before she was in another couple of movies. Maybe she spent those four years just getting real deep into crypto or something. No, she did a TV show called The New Girl. She was in that.

But apparently now she's a mom and she did some singing as well, even though her voice kind of annoys me. But it's just weird to think that an actor could be everywhere, in everything, seemingly, and then just vanishes. Did she play the uh lead uh female role in the movie elf is that she was that was zoe deschanel yeah yeah okay i'm thinking of the right person to say yes firstly people come and go right there is this there is a prevalent thing where women over a certain age have been typecast into the romantic comedy are too aged,

too aged, too aged to do, you know, it's horrible in Hollywood that there's a squeeze of these sort of slightly older women in favour of the young,

hot, romantic comedy star. But sometimes people do want to quit when they've got kids to bring up and families and stuff. It does definitely happen

to women. However, in the case of Brendan Fraser, may I make the point that it also happens to men sometimes they put on weight and then they just fucking disappear they just disappear he's not hasn't disappeared if anything he's far more visible than he's ever been he's meant to be coming back i'm not i don't i don't mean to judge but i mean if i think if you if you take a break and you're in the public eye and you come back and you've packed it on a little bit, it's not ideal.

Well, but look at Mark. Mark Hamill got big and chubby, didn't he? Before the kind of he got before the new Star Wars movies, he got he got fit. He got like a trainer and stuff. He was quite out of shape, I think. Sure. Before the Force awakens maybe he just took a break and got deep into crypto and you know just like brendan oh no mark hamill

we moved on from brendan is so insignificant he's not he was he was a big star he was a big star he was i know but he just kind of disappeared didn't his performance in quiet american was really good and i thought oh he's gonna like move into being like a proper actor actor yeah uh he was really good in blast from the past and in seno man um oh man see that's the stuff that i thought like that was him coming up you know what i mean like you get these actors they can really act but they get georgia the jungle yeah that's the kind of movie they get i think his biggest movies had to have been the mummy right like he was yeah oh yeah yeah 100 by far so he was in the mummy tomb of the dragon emperor oh 2008 which i hadn't even heard of no he had an uncredited cameo in gi joe the rise of

cobra which i mean if you've got an uncredited cameo in a bad movie that's saying something then in 2013 he was in six movies none of which i've heard some of them were directed dvd direct to dvd direct to dvd in 2013 that's saying something that's bad i mean that's like people were definitely not massively into dvds in 2013 yeah like that's already on the downward spiral and then he did like one film in 2014 a voice in a terrible computer animated movie then he did nothing for five years and then he was in two more things you've never heard of then another two years and now there's a sub sort of like reddit campaign to get him back i feel bad for what i said about brendan frazier i was just joking i hope that you guys realize

that i was just joking uh you know i don't i I'm not like a shamer or anything like that. I just thought it was a bit funny, you know, like a low hanging fruit. There's a couple of actors though, who are kind of like Brendan Fraser, who you've been mistake for Brendan Fraser. And do you, I mean, in movies, I guess like Native Philly and some other people in the industry have got that similar kind of wise you know goofy by frazier yeah i think i just feel like he's accidentally got forgotten because they were like cheap knockoff versions no he was in a load of shit that's the

problem is he was in some absolute shit and it kind of killed his career wait i think i think i think we also should probably mention uh if we're talking about uh famous people that uh about sean lock and that he died uh yeah yeah very sad very sad very sad yeah big fan he's only 58 years old he died of cancer apparently he was like one of those guys that people consider like a comedian's comedian like yes you know one of those guys that other comedians love uh in a way that i mean i'm not saying sean lock wasn't popular everybody knew sean lock but it's not like he was uh you know you're michael fucking mcintyre who's very successful but sure sean lock was like he's he's very successful and i agree he's not the best but every once in a while michael mcintyre does make me laugh honestly like he just like is very rare but he does. Well, that is his job. He does have the ability

every once in a while to make me laugh. He's probably not a very good comedian if that's it. Which is more than I can say for a lot of people, actually. So it's not, you know, I think, I think credit where it's due.

Well, let's not name any names. He made me laugh one time. So. No, we should name names. Which comedians do you not like? I'm trying to think of a comedian that I don't like. I'm not a huge fan of Lee Evans, honestly.

Lee Evans hasn't done stand-up for like 20 years. I know, but when he did do it, I didn't like it, really. Like, I didn't find it funny. No, he was never funny, but I mean, he was just like, before him it was Phil Cool. Does anyone remember Phil Cool? Oh my God, I don't even remember that. So Phil Cool was in the 80s. All he did was weird faces. Like, it was Phil Cool. Does anyone remember Phil Cool? Oh, my God. I don't even remember that. So Phil Cool was in the 80s.

All he did was weird faces. Like, that was it. His whole stand-up act was he had a very rubber face. Yeah. And that was Phil Cool's whole act, pretty much, was he could pull strange faces. Huge. Huge in the 80s, Phil Cool.

And then vanished, of course. Lee Evans' whole thing was he sweated a ridiculous amount and was incredibly active, a very physical comedian on stage was in a few movies people were like can we use this? is this anything? and then it just kind of

everyone was like not really so Lee Evans' career just kind of peed out very sweaty yeah he was very sweaty he was very sweaty

Joe Pasquale he had a squeaky voice what about Bobby Davro was he a comedian? yeah but he was 70s and 80s Bobby Davro i would say that i don't like bobby davro that much well no but again can you pick something that our audience

might have heard of um what like more recent sort of yes something in the last decade would be nice maybe someone who's appeared i don't know i feel like stand-up is in is in a weird spot now because unless you're going to comedy clubs and and stuff the only the only access you have to stand up is the big netflix shows and stuff now i know but it's all the panel shows i mean it's all the guests on qi and eight out of ten cats and all these you know everything what about that guy the guy that played the vampire in it crowd i'll tell you who i don't like i don't like Romesh Ranganathan. I think he's shit. Oh, I like Romesh.

I think he's really funny. He annoys me. I don't think he's very funny. He's just irritating. I also, there's loads of people actually on this list I don't really like. I don't really think Jason Manford's all that funny. I don't like, I don't really get James Acaster.

I know some people love him to bits. I don't know. I'm just not a fan. I really don't like i don't like i don't really get james a cast i know some people like love into bits i don't know i'm just not a fan i don't i really don't like jack whitehall jack whitewell there's a list of these jack whitehall the guy with the his dad he does the dad yeah so that that show where it's him and his dad was actually quite funny i i don't like his his stand-up um i don't find alan davis funny i don't find john richardson funny i don't find Alan Davis funny. I don't find John Richardson funny. I don't find Jason Manford funny at all. Russell Howard isn't funny. Milton Jones isn't funny. Mickey Flanagan.

All of these guys. Jason Manford's on that show. The Masked Singer, he was on. Oh, no, this isn't. I'm thinking of somebody else. Jason Manford. He does like a quiz show now too, right? Yeah, he's on one of the panel shows.

But people like Lee Mack, I don't think. I've seen all of this i like lee mack i like david mitchell i like uh lee mack as well actually the thing is it's it's uh sometimes it's context too right like i don't find some of these people i don't find uh funny in certain shows but then in other shows they will be really funny if they're paired up with somebody or they have a good chemistry or whatever like they can be funny like if some of these people like you'll see them on something like taskmaster and uh you might not like them but then you'll see them doing something different and it'll be like oh my god actually they're they're kind of funny like uh i can't think of any examples of that oh no that guy the bearded guy um the what's his name

joe um joe joe something joe lysett is not a bearded but he is no not joe lysett he's um he was in he's in afterlife with uh ricky gervais joe brand no no he played the mailman in that in afterlife with uh i know this guy yeah yeah yeah yeah and he's like he's funny enough like i don't dislike him i don't find him like like unfunny but he's just like it's kind of like it's a bit you know slobby sort of stoner humor right but like he's very funny in taskmaster for example and and i warm to him a lot whilst watching i think there's like it's all about context though right like i think that if you're with a crowd of people and it's and you're in the right mood i think we we probably would laugh at any of the people we mentioned given the right setting and mood laughter is all

about being comfortable yeah you know i don't think i'm laughing at louder any comedian however funny they're if i'm in an airport on my phone or do you know what i mean jimmy carr for example i don't find particularly funny um and i think like kind of when he became more more known or well known uh like when he was sort of like starting up or whatever i went to see him live he came over to jersey and i went to see him and um and some of it was actually funny but again because there was an audience and lots of people around you laughing and stuff like that it it's an experience more so right yeah but i don't think i would i don't think i would laugh if i watched one of his stand-ups you know like i went to see a comedian a few years ago this is maybe 18 months ago um called evo graham who you will have seen pop up on panel shows from time to time he's not funny like at all he is extremely aggressively unfunny right and i went

to see him because my mate as well there's some of my mates and and me that live in london go to see stuff and we're no judgment okay so we arrange to go out someone will arrange it and we will go even if it doesn't seem like it's going to appeal to us we will go to support the vibe of that group who goes to see stuff regardless so i would never have gone to see evo graham in ever because i don't think he's funny but my mate was like we should go see him i really like him was like cool no judgment we're going i sat we were in the front row and we sat there and i did not even smile once i wasn't trying i wanted to be entertained believe me i'd paid didn't even didn't even raise a smile did you do like really heavy sighing every time like you did no i didn't want to be a dick i didn't want

to be that the guy just isn't fucking funny and the thing is other people around me are laughing and this is i'm sure i've mentioned this before if you are in a group of people and everyone's laughing and you're not they if they're not as long as they're not laughing at you then it's very obvious that you you fucked up but what happens is you feel like you're missing out like what am i missing out on like why isn't this funny that's why people take comedians very seriously people get really angry about comedians that they don't like because you feel like you're missing out you almost feel like you must be the butt of the joke why don't i get this everyone else finds this hilarious but i'm watching this guy and people are laughing their asses off and i'm like what are you laughing at genuinely yeah what what is so funny

like i understand how this joke is constructed and everything like that it almost makes me feel like i've got something wrong with my brain that's it's so strange being in an audience with people who think something is hilarious and it's just doing nothing for you nothing it feels so so weird what about being in an audience um and a song comes on and everybody starts clapping along to the song and you feel like what yeah what are you fucking doing why are you clapping like along to the beat of the song you wouldn't do that in any other situation like why have you decided now to start doing this sort of encourage that shit like they're like come on they sort of clap along so i think to try to get the audience going okay if it's we will rock you or something where there's clapping

in the song okay sure clap along like you know fill your boots but like don't fucking start clapping along to like uh rocket man by you know dave bowie or something you know don't start clapping along. Stop clapping! It's a sad song! It smells like Toon Spirit. What are you doing? By Savage Garden, for Christ's sake. What are you doing? Yeah.

You know what I mean? There's some certain songs it's okay to clap to, and I'd say most of them, it's not okay to clap along to a song, okay? If you're 55 years old, and you're clapping along to a song at a concert or whatever, you need some re-evaluation needs to be done here, I think. Like, it's not like uh that's not

it's not good it's not a good look you can clap along to like some some german folk music you know what i mean what are those schlagers or whatever they're called sure like that's kind of thing where you're like oh okay that's that's the vibe but if it's just a song why are you clapping why are you clapping i i don't need to hear that. Shut up and let them play. Let them play. We should do that in classical music just to rub their faces in it, those classical music twats. Turn up to some concert, everybody starts clapping.

Like that. Let's see how you like it. Coming back to the topic of comedy and what you think is funny or not, I started watching a show that was recommended to me on netflix called i think you should leave which is like uh it's like american sketch comedy yeah yeah yeah and uh i've watched i'm i'm halfway through season two and overall i'd say i've enjoyed it but it's very hit and miss for me it is very hit and miss some of them i find absolutely hilarious um and some of them i just find not funny at all.

Did you watch series one? Yes, I watched all series one, yeah. So one of my favorite sketches from that is the one where there's been a car crash in a clothing store. Oh, the hot dog car. It's a hot dog car. Yes.

And everyone's like, who did this? And he's in a hot dog costume. He's like, yeah, who crashed this car? And I mean, I thought that was hilarious. I love when the other guy was like, well, this guy car. I mean, I thought that was hilarious. I love when the other guy was like, well, this guy's dressed like a hot dog as well. But it was just a suit. It was a suit the same color as his.

Yeah, that fucking, that shit was really funny. I thought that was funny. That was fucking funny. But then there were some sketches, like you said, that are just like either just incredibly cringy, awkward. He's saying some unbelievably awful thing yeah in a the wrong setting and i think i don't find that particularly funny like i've never really enjoyed that it's too it's too i don't mind crude humor but it's too sometimes it's like too too crude but like not

not not at all funny either i don't know it's just it almost feels like it's trying too hard but then yeah there's just these moments of greatness where you you you can sort of see past all that like uh my favorite one from season one was the episode where they're in the in the restaurant and the guy starts choking but he's because he's so starstruck about the guy that made the belt that he's wearing and who's at the same table he doesn't want to like make a big deal about the fact that he's choking like his friend is like offering to call the ambulance and stuff he's like now now he's like he's like fucking dying he's joking uh that was really funny i really like the um the one with ebenezer scrooge where the skeletons keep coming through yeah that was yeah that was bizarre yeah that was really funny though that was that was so weird but really funny

and the one where the one where the guys make it up a song on the spot like the band yeah yeah and he's the bones are their money and ruining it i just thought those are so so funny some of them are very funny but then some of them are just absolute i also really like the one it could have gone the other way for me big time but i really like the one the the like has this ever happened to you the lawyer has this ever happened to you yeah yeah guys come around yeah yeah and the thing is if it was just him riffing and inventing all this shit without the actors playing it out it would not have been funny at all right but the fact that you had those guys doing turbo time

and jumping on the couches and stuff and then the the joke toilet for farts only it's a toilet for farts oh man i was laughing so hard but like also again context matters uh a lot of the time i'm watching this whilst my kids are going to sleep so i'm on my ipad with headphones trying not to laugh so yeah the really funny stuff comes up and it's just like you're you feel like you're a 10 year old in school again at the back of the class trying not to laugh i seem to recall watching this with my girlfriend and she didn't find it funny at all yeah it was like really hard i was like i was like laughing but then like i'd look over and she would not be laughing at all she'd be like on her phone like rolling her eyes and i'd be like uh no i mean it is like that it's a bit like uh it's kind of it feels a lot like like tim and eric humor which is again not

for everybody like uh some of the skits some of the sketches that i i found funny in um i think you should leave i showed my wife and she also found them very funny but like i won't show her the whole thing because i know that she just won't have time for like the unfunny stuff and it's it's not fair to make somebody sit through all of that you know it kind of puts you off um like i think especially if you watch a show and like the first sketch is so bad that you're just like this is just awful yeah it's really hard to win people back over yeah thinking oh actually this is quite funny and sort of give like imagine if you were a stand-up comedian you came out and your first three jokes were abysmal

yeah it doesn't matter how good your fourth joke is no no like the audience is turned off it's hard to get people to stick around isn't it you have it must be it must be fucking hard being a comedian yeah yeah it is well a lot of them are not all of them but i like there's definitely like a theme of like depression and stuff in a lot of comedians right because i think yeah and i think you know probably it's it's it's like personality stuff but also just the nature of what they're trying to do they they probably just feel like shit a lot of the time because i i'd imagine that when things go really well they go really well right you're untouchable but then when you know you have a bad show and things flop or whatever you must take it so badly it must suck it must really suck you are alone yeah absolutely like that's the crazy you're just dying up there nobody's laughing and stuff it's Have you watched Comedians in Cars getting coffee?

I have, yeah. Again, I haven't watched all of them, though, because some of the comedians either I don't know and I don't really want to invest in finding out about them through that show, or some of them I just don't find funny enough to watch. They are very hit-and-miss episodes, aren't they? But the weird thing is for me, because any time they talk about comedy, Jerry Seinfeld will say, it's the hardest job in the world hands down the hardest

job in the world and i'm thinking probably the hardest what it must be one of the hardest i don't think jerry seinfeld's ever worked on an oil rig so exactly i'm thinking i don't think it is the hardest job but it's certainly the job where there are the fewest qualified it's the hardest job he's ever done he's been a comedian since he was 12 so i mean you know but i mean how many comedians are there there's not that many good true it's true yeah so i think it's very hard to succeed at but i definitely think it's ridiculous to say this is the hardest job in the world i would love it if someone was listening to that while they're doing like open heart surgery on someone brain surgery or something yeah or they're like in a small african village with no running water they've got like you know be the doctor for 2 000 yeah on some brain surgery or something. Yeah. Or they're like in a small African village

with no running water. They've got to like, you know, be the doctor for 2,000 villages or something. At least I'm not a stand-up comedian. I got to say, I don't like the way that Jerry Seinfeld kind of takes it so seriously and like tries to science like the comedy, you know, like his sort of analysis of the whole thing

is for me just a little bit off putting i i don't i don't lie i don't like that too much like i get it's a bit of that he's very he's very successful like clearly knows what he's doing and stuff but there's a formula though there is there is a formula and there is a there is a science behind it i think a lot of people do just do these comics do study comedy and have to figure out, you know. But also they do a lot of testing. I think that's the other thing which is really obvious. Any good act that you see has been tested for a year on little small audiences and then they've recorded it

and taken out the bits that didn't get a laugh and put the bits in that didn't get a laugh and ad-libbed and modified and changed. And that's why you know when you say to someone who's if you say to a comedian i'll make a joke then they're like well i've got like my hour of material that i'm using and has been very carefully prepared for the next you know that's going to be my touring material for the next year i'm going to do it over and over again do you mean it's it's but i have to make it feel authentic and like i'm telling these

jokes for the first time there's a whole there's a whole science yeah for sure it's meant you know what was funny this is odd we're talking about this the other day popped up on youtube for some reason louis ck at george carlin's wake like the funeral or whatever now you know this is i'm not talking about louis ck i don't want to get into all that stuff but as a comedian he was very funny and i thought louis was a really funny show and all the rest of it and the the interesting thing is is he had been around forever and if you look back at a lot of 90s comedy stuff louis ck pops up occasionally on on shows like he's just there in the background not making it he's not big nobody knows who the fuck he is and the reason for that is that he spent 12 years i think he said touring

with the same material honing it a little bit same like hour of material that he also had five minutes he had 15 minutes you know he had these sets that he'd worked on and they were terrible and he wasn't getting anywhere and nobody really liked it he was playing these terrible gigs like just at a restaurant yeah they ever would be eating and they would just turn up at the restaurant and say hey and just start doing comedy which is fucking that is a tough room and he said that he spoke to george carlin and said because he saw that george carlin was bringing out a special every year and he said to him how the fuck do you do it and he said well all i do is i do my year on tour hone the material at the end of the year i've got it just how i like it we do the special and then i throw all of it out and start again.

And he's like, what do you mean? It's taken me 12 years to build up this, this, you know, hour of comedy that I've got. And he realized if it's not fucking working,

why am I sticking with this hour of comedy? So he just binned it off and started again. Yeah. And then became successful from there. Like actually started saying stuff he wanted to say

rather than trying to tailor it to what he thinks audiences will like. Yeah. So I think it's interesting. It is interesting for sure. I like, I don't know if you've watched much about or like I'm sure you know about Richard Pryor, but there's a couple of good documentaries about just his life and lead up to him becoming very, very famous. And again, very interesting, just very like a very interesting person

to watch a documentary on and um just an interest a very interesting time as well in which he he sort of came up and his background and everything i think he said he grew up where he grew up was like a really really weird environment a lot of people around him were like musicians well he grew up in a whorehouse yeah he was raised in a whorehouse all of these people and i think that's why if you look at richard pryor he has this ability to transform himself into another character for a bit whether it's like mud bone or one of his sort of famous characters or whether it's just a story that he's telling i think because obviously he was watching these people yeah for so long as a kid and probably very quiet because he's not a

big guy he's like a little skinny kid watching these people and just absorbing their mannerisms and the humor of it and sticking it into his comedy i think i think a lot of the time those kind of people like you said they're depressed or they're like i know chris rock um was apparently really badly bullied at school he was the only black kid in his school comedy for a lot of these guys is an escape. So I think a lot of the time they're made rather than, you know, your sort of comedian is made by their environment

and how they grew up and what they had to do. And some of them just sort of fell into it because they just found that they were really funny and smart. But a lot of them, the really great comedians, I think, were sort of made that way by their environment more than anything else. For sure. I really don't like Ed Byrne. Ed Byrne. No, I'm not a fan anything else. I really don't like Ed Byrne.

No, I'm not a fan of Ed. I really don't like Ed Byrne. So go back. Go back. So this week, by the way, I thought I'd fill you in on something really interesting that I did. It's a friend's birthday and we drove a couple of hours into the Cotswolds to this little like hobby zoo it feels like called

crocodiles in the crocodiles of the world you can look it up it's near to actually it's near to clarkson's farm so why not make a day of it um you know you could go to you go to the the diddly squat farm shop and also crocodiles of the world so it's this little kind of feels like some rich guy or you know like kind of or animal enthusiasts set up this sort of i guess a sanctuary it's quite small it's quite it's quite weird it's basically a very very hot uh warehouse really hot with loads of crocodiles in it but they've also got some galapagos turtles um tortoises i can't remember which one is it is it tortoise yeah tortoises yeah yeah and they're the they're the huge ones they're like the biggest ones uh in the world and my friend is a big fan of tortoises uh so how do they define themselves

as a big fan of tortoises yeah do they own they own one? Because I do. Yeah, they own one. They've also got a bunch of other reptiles, like a snake and a... So is this the magnet person? Is this the magnet? Yes, same person. Yeah, I fucking knew it right away. There you go. Carry on.

Who is this fucking magnet person who collects reptiles in your life? I'll introduce you. He's lovely. He's nice. His name's Tom, which is awkward because everyone else is called Tom in my life. There's a million fucking Toms. I know. It's great.

So we went here, and obviously for his birthday, we got him this present, which was you get to hang out with the Galapagos turtles and feed them and meet them, basically, right? Right. So we get our wellies in, and we go, and then we have a safe talk, and they're like, blah, blah, blah. It's like, you have to wear these steel toe cap wellies if they step on your foot. Apparently it's very heavy.

Not only that, but they will like properly bite your finger if you're not careful. So you have to not you have to be a little bit careful with them. Their jaws are quite strong. Yeah, well, they're huge. I was like, I didn't really know what to expect. So we go into this little sort little enclosure they've got for them. And immediately, these giant turtles. They're very big.

I've got a poster picture later on Instagram. But they're huge. They came barreling at us. But then, as soon as they reached us they like they like froze um put like stood up as tall as they could and just like was stocked still and apparently it's a behavior because they have no natural predators on the galapagos island yeah um they automatically want to be like like i guess not tickled but they the um the finches that come down and like um nip off the dead skin and the bugs and stuff land on them. They like all the little animals surrounding them, basically.

And it's obviously just called finching, the behavior. And they just stand there. They're so docile. And you can give them a pat and a stroke and tickle them. And they seem to really love it. And then they'll just eat lettuce out of your hand if you're careful. And, man, really love it. And then they'll just eat, like, lettuce out of your hand, if you're careful. And, man, they're like, it was amazing.

So I thought they were going to be a bit snappy, a bit, like, pushy, a bit, I don't know, just a bit aggressive. Yeah. But they're just so, like, chill. They're, like, so docile. Like, it's kind of sad in the sense that they're, obviously it's very, anytime you go to anywhere, it's always tinged with sadness that this fucking animals die now or this this these fish are being choked by ring pulls and yeah plastic pollution and germany it's like you can't go to a zoo without everyone

telling you that these crocodiles are being made into bags these crocodiles being made in shoes you know these crocodiles are this is the these are the last ones you know it's pretty it's pretty awful the hard you know but it is nice to see the animals and these these turtles obviously very endangered but you can see why and it's because they're so they have no survival instance they have absolutely none whatsoever so wait so they had no predators on the Galapagos? No, nothing. So what kept their population down? It didn't.

They were all over the place. There were loads of them. People were trying to transport them back to England and stuff and then eating them along the way, weren't they? That famously with Galapagos tortoises. Apparently their meat is very nice. That's why none of them made it back, apparently. Well, they got eaten on the way.

They were like, you know what? The king would like this, but we could just eat it. Oh, yes. Good idea, Captain. Pretty much. I was going to say the same thing. Yeah, they stacked them up and just nommed them all. Apparently, I don't know if that's true.

But the thing is, because they're so rare and old as well, the one that I met was, I didn't even know how old he was. They said 80 to 100 years or more. It could be older because when they pick them up off the Galapagos, they don't know how old they are. And it's been, you know, if it's 100 years old, you know, no one's checking. They weren't breeding them back in, you know, the 1920s for us to know. So it's really, it's kind of interesting to to see

animals that are he's oh man it's just so cool it was so cool meeting this girl i had a really great time i didn't think i would would be as endeared to it as i was but i think i was just just surprised by how he didn't give a fuck um and was just like really friendly so because you you i think like you understand that with domesticated animals, they've been trained to behave a certain way, but this clearly isn't that. It's a wild animal, but his behaviour, I guess, is not through his reaction to humans.

It's more through natural reaction of, I'm the biggest thing on this island. You know, nothing can fuck with me type thing. And apparently even like when, you know, I don't know if nothing could fuck with me. Right. Type thing. And apparently even like when, you know, that all the invasive species of the dogs and rats and cats and stuff getting on the island, they don't even fuck with the big tails at all. I mean, what are you going to do? Like, well, apparently like, yeah, like apparently because they'll squash you like they'll just

they'll just step on you and you'll be dead and then they'll eat you. Oh, man. I had a terrible dream yesterday on the topic of rats. to derail them i want to hear about this i was i walked through my backyard and um it was at night because i'd heard something outside so i was walking in my backyard and then uh i took one step into my backyard and it made some noise this is the dream yeah this is the dream right and uh there's like somehow there's a trench at the back of my backyard that's not actually there. And I looked over at the trench and it was like filling up with rats. They were coming like from under the fence and running towards me.

And I started running away. Yeah, I didn't want to. And then I think one of them bit me, but I didn't look at my foot to see if I'd been bitten. I had like a status indicator saying that i had a rat bite so i don't maybe man i think i've been playing too many video games but i don't know where the rats come from but have you been killing rats in uh you know an mmo and this is your brain telling you no no this i don't think no not overly like i just something something deep in my brain just decided like it felt like a bit of a

mix of like maybe zomboid and something else in that dream but yeah it was really weird do you guys remember this is this is almost certainly before your time there was an author called james herbert who wrote a lot of books in the 70s and 80s there were a bunch of them sean huston was another guy uh that were like horror novels and uh Frank Herbert's most famous is The Rats, which is about... James Herbert. Frank Herbert. Sorry, James Herbert. Correction, James Herbert.

I get my Herberts mixed up all the time. Right, me too. He wrote this book called The Rats, which is about like the UK being overrun by these killer rats. Right. And it's incredibly graphic. It's incredibly similar to that dream. Very similar.

That's what made me think of it. And I thought maybe Sips had been reading The Rats. No, I have not read The Rats. And actually, now that you mention it, I will not be reading The Rats either. I'm just going to look up a list of Sean Huston's books. Here's one called Spawn. There's one called...

He did the UK novelization of The Terminator. He did one called The Skull. Slugs was probably his most famous, which is about a group of killer slugs. Man, I'm going to have to read these. They are hilariously awful. I've been reading some old sci-fi lately and I've really been enjoying it, but sometimes it's really out of touch, these

old sci-fi, right? For example, there was this book I was reading and it was written in, I think, 1963 or something like that. And obviously they hadn't sent the probes up or something like that and obviously they hadn't sent the probes up to mars at that point and they didn't know that marsh martians didn't exist um they they it was still this so but that but it was set 20 years in the future so it was set in sort of 85 or 1990 you know written in 1963 they were all talking about martians as if they were a

thing and of course actually you know the book almost within five years or something, it hadn't been very long after the book had been out that we'd actually got some pretty good quality. I think it was Voyager or something, one of the missions in the 70s, early 70s, that saw that there definitely weren't Martians. But up until that point, I guess that it was just in the popular consciousness that it was the easiest way to describe aliens as Martians, you know, to write this whole story about people coming from Mars.

And, I mean, it was a fine book, but it just didn't need the Mars aspect. You know, it could have just been, like, aliens from anywhere. Do you know what I mean? It didn't have to... They didn't have to be from Mars, because it sort of dated itself massively with this with this idea so yeah it's really interesting to look at these read these old books through the and look at when they were

written and try and think about that stuff because it really it really influences them and i'm yeah i'm having a lot of fun reading these old books because they're actually a lot shorter these old old sci-fi and horror books that than the modern books you read a Brandon Sanderson book it's like it's like reading a fucking it's like reading ten old books they're massive yeah I mean like I mean even Lord of the Rings that was three books originally you know I mean nowadays that's just a normal book isn't it Lord of the Rings yeah anyway I had that to say the other thing I was thinking about was uh Zooey Deschanel. Oh, here we go.

We're back. And UK glamour models, right, as a result. Because when we were young, before the internet, we had big pillowy-breasted women who showed their breasts in men's magazines. We did. A.K.A. the good old days. The good old days. And they were a very specific type of british woman they look like

extras from benny hill like just relatively small waisted but that wasn't that important big bosoms big happy smiles big hair because it was the 80s and yeah there was a type like that was they all had to basically fit the mold of like like sam fox if you look at sam fox from the 80s she was like the the archetypal this is what hot women look like sam fox and then baywatch was like exactly the same blam blam blam that's pretty much it huge boobs i think they still exist in the form of footballers wives now these sort of famous for just having big big voluptuous i don't think there's as many women who are just famous for just having big, big, voluptuous bosoms. I don't think there's as many women who are just famous for their boobs

as there were back in the 80s. But I think you can still make a living for it. I'm sure, Lewis. I'm just saying. But, I mean, there's a million of these women out there now doing porn. But these days with porn and OnlyFans, it's such an innocent thing, though, the glamour model thing. You know, it's like, it's just the boobs. It's just a big smiley face. It's just pictures. You know, it's like, it's just the boobs. It's just a big smiley face.

It's just pictures. You know, it's like, I don't know. It's very, it's a mark from a more innocent time, is what I'm saying, you know? Nowadays, you could, there's someone's stepsister who's dressed as a character from Overwatch, and they're like, I don't know, doing some really weird stuff.

You know what, it's lost its innocence. I sound like the biggest boomer in the world. But I don't want to get graphic is what I'm saying. I'm just saying that, you know, there was a time and I just, I know some people like the more titillate-y thing where they don't see anything.

Do you know what I mean? And it's like, it's hotter for them to have all the clothes on type thing. I just, for some reason, you're talking about Zooey Deschanel because she was that girl next door. She had a classic, she had that sort of innocent, cutesy look about her. She was meant to be the kind of quirky girlfriend,

I think was kind of what she was. Yeah, and she was in the romantic comedy as that, you know, that girlfriend material. And I think being how old she is, 40, 41 or 42, I think now, it's like around the age that is, you know, that's like our generation. That's quirky mum vibe rather than quirky girlfriend vibe, right? Yeah, it is now. Yeah, I'm surprised she's not doing more like movies as a mom there must be roles but maybe not maybe it's just i think the biggest question you got to ask is can she act like was her whole shtick look at me i'm just

like yeah but actually can't act in a very interesting way i think that's the reason quite a few uh of these young people that are in movies movies. It does happen to women an awful lot more where there's a gap, where they're like, they're not allowed to be the love interest anymore because God forbid they're 40. I mean, if you're a dude, you can have a 30 year old girlfriend in a movie and no one's meant to blink. Like if you look at In the Line of Fire with fucking Clint Eastwood, he's a million years old in that movie. And Renee,, was it Rene Russo? I think was his girlfriend. Hold on, In the Line of Fire,

which was a movie that came out in, oh, let me think, 1993. And it's got Clint Eastwood and Rene Russo. So he was born in, hold on a sec. Just let me do this because this matters to me. This is important. So Clint Eastwood was born in 1930. Rene Russo was born in 1954 so she is 24 years his junior but in the movie there's no doubt that

she's attracted to him immediately like this happens in in Hollywood movies the dude can be any age but the woman has to be a certain age at the very least she has to be 20 to 30 years younger than than the man for us to genuinely believe that he would be interested in her that's the thing that happens in hollywood all the time so i think that's the issue that people have there's a feedback loop as well because we've seen it so much that now we see two people who are the same age getting married and you're thinking wow she's old yeah exactly it's not right man it's not right so i think a lot of women like zoe de chanel who've been

actors and had success they were sort of oh yeah we love you zoe you're gonna play the cute love interest who's kind of ditzy and can sing and it surprises everyone oh my goodness she can sing as well great and then you get 10 years of that and it's like what have you got for me eh no we found someone else that can fill that role now so you'll have to wait until you're in your 60s and then it'll be like oh wow zoe, Zooey Deschanel, she still looks great. And you can come out of the woodwork and act again. Now you can play the hot mum, basically,

when you're older. Yeah, that's how it works. I don't think there's any way around it. And it's inevitable that we are going to fall into the same pitfall trap. Well, honestly, audiences are a problem. Audiences are a problem. They'll accept this shit.

Stop accepting it. If you don't like it, don't watch. But apparently a lot of people do like it and do accept it. Love it or leave it. Love it. Love it. Yeah, sure. I don't know why that applies, but yes.

You know, it's just a famous quote from a famous movie. I don't know if you remember a little movie called Born on the Fourth of July. Right. That's what it's from. Yeah. Good to know. Yeah. yeah well there you go yeah that uh took a bit of a tangent at the end there when i just dropped it it's called a callback lewis it's in pillowy boobs man just thinking about them for some reason just thinking about pillowy boobs

it's well it's good to think about um it's all right yeah yeah yeah i think it's a nice nice nice nice thought to end the podcast Absolutely Who doesn't? Big titties Just big titties There you go That is the podcast for today

Thanks for listening everyone Thanks for listening On Spotify New episodes on Spotify every Wednesday He just said that Do I need to say it as well? New episodes on Spotify every Wednesday. He just said that. Do I need to say it as well? New episodes available on Spotify on Wednesday. I don't think you should be playing

Final Fantasy next week when we do this. I wasn't playing it the whole time, but I was. I was playing it a little bit at the end. I know you are now. I can tell you're on like auto repeat

it's like talking to an answer phone oh man bye everyone bye see you soon bye