Triforce! - Triforce! #209: The Doorbell Conspiracy

Episode Date: March 3, 2022

Triforce! Episode 209! We dig deep into the iceberg conspiracy of Pyrion's doorbell, explore the zombie wasteland of Dying Light 2 and celebrate the Queen's Jubbly! Go to http://expressvpn.com/triforce today and get an extra 3 months free on a 1-year package! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Triforce Podcast. Hello, hello, traveler, and welcome. Bringing you the hottest news, hits, and stories that you love oh yeah right into your ears that sounded like it was computer generated intro with me today is period flex nice nice and i love that guy hey what's up what's up what's up what up what's up what up What's up What's up I just wanted to do something different

I just wanted to mix it up We're over 200 episodes I felt like it was time to just Start trying to change the podcast We can do that We can't just be curmudgeons though We have to get down with the kids And try something new

And experiment I'm looking forward to being able to get down with the kids to try something new and an experiment okay i'm looking forward to being able to go to like a dinner party or something and not feel embarrassed when somebody asks me what what's your greatest achievement i say oh doing a podcast you know all right the triforce podcast yeah yeah very specifically that yeah yeah hopefully one day we can be down with the kids like i wouldn't even i don't i didn't even get the memes like i was having this discussion hesitate to even say it right but you know that are you gonna say something like easy clap or like pepe no those aren't even the current memes i would say oh right have you heard bing chilling oh yeah i've heard of that one yeah so is that something to do with Bing Crosby, or is it like the search engine?

That is a proper old man question. Bing, yeah, well, he is actually fully chilling because he's dead. But you do know that the origin is, what's his name? John Cena did an advert or something, and Bing chilling means like ice cream or something in Chinese. So he was saying this. Oh, right. And it's not actually chilling, like chilling out. It's just a chinese word that kind of sounds like that but it's the

way he says it in the video is kind of weird either way john cena's a massive fucking sellout for china he'll do whatever it takes right to get big in china and i hear peacemaker is brilliant the the tv series fits in with with um james gunn it. Right. The character does die in the Suicide Squad movie I believe. So I'm not quite sure. Maybe he didn't die. No, I don't think he dies.

Does he? I thought he did. I thought something dropped on him. Does it start is it set before or after Suicide Squad? I don't know.

It doesn't matter. These things it doesn't matter. It absolutely matters. But obviously he's he's supposed to be a piece of shit, right? Like the world's biggest douchebag.

Do you know what I mean? But that's the Punisher and all of these. Everyone loves an anti-hero. I love a douchebag. An asshole. Everyone loves a douchebag. Man, who doesn't? Delicious.

No. Why not? Yes. I've got some interesting shit. First of all, I wanted to mention the conspiracy theory about Perion's doorbell. Have you seen this? What? Wow.

So that's a conspiracy theory I'm interested in. Well, eagle-eyed listeners, this was posted about three weeks ago. They noticed that any time a tricky subject comes up and we're just in the middle of getting into it and you're just about to really put your foot in it, all of a sudden the doorbell goes. No, they didn't. Yeah. That's not what they're saying, is it? Yeah, that's not what they're saying is it yeah that's exactly what they're saying okay here's the post it's from

newfangled moose obviously the triforce lads expect us to believe that three times in less than 45 minutes is a believable amount of doorbell rings but i'm not at all convinced i don't even have a doorbell by the way is i get lots of parcels delivered all the vague dad responsibilities angle but sips is a father and his doorbell barely rings at all well i don't have one i don't line, is I get lots of parcels delivered, all the vague dad responsibilities angle, but Sips is a father and his doorbell barely rings a bell. Well, I don't have one. I don't actually have a doorbell. There you go.

Somehow he doesn't have a doorbell. But there's no knocking on the door. Because the house is always a rocking, that's why. And the rule of thumb is don't come a knocking if that's the case. There's definitely more going on than meets the eye. I scrolled through a few pages of Google results and saw on a forum that there may be a pattern to the timestamps of doorbell incidents. It's either a mathematical code or a cipher based on the last word spoken at the exact moment the doorbell rings. Obviously, this podcast can be downloaded anywhere in the world anonymously.

I mean, the last word spoken is always, oh, hang on, I got to get the door. So it's always door, right? It's been suggested that the doorbell may be the same as those weird radio stations that list random numbers. Number stations, number stations. Yeah, to do with broadcasting coded intelligence to undercover operatives. Other flax truthers I've spoken to. Just that line. Other flax truthers.

Just that line. I'm a flax truthus. It says that the doorbell references are designed to convince us that Pirion is broadcasting from a regular, unremarkable residential address, but the truth may be something very different. God. Oh, man, I love that. I like the idea that you've got, like, a Russian bunker. All I can say is I can neither confirm nor deny anything that's

been stated uh in that uh so-called post this reminds me of a story from this week actually because they're the i don't know if you saw we mentioned it last week that the new york times had bought wordle um young and down with the kids wordle at least a million bucks um but the head of the mi6 the james bond style uk secret intelligence yeah of course yeah has a twitter account okay it's called at chief mi6 right his name's richard moore right um more he more comedy in other words richard moore look him up up. He's just public now. This is how secret government agencies... He's never going to be a good spy again.

Like, everybody has a Twitter. James Bond literally introduced himself everywhere he went. He never used an alias. He's always like, checking into a hotel. Yeah, it's me, James Bond. It's like, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, I see. The people who needed to know who he was...

Richard Moore. ...knew who he was,ard moore knew who he was right that was his power play but he's in yeah the everyday man didn't know who he was they were just like whatever maybe they must well whatever they're doing uh good luck to him uh so so he's posted on twitter saying thinking of unfollowing those who post their wordle results okay now obviously wait this is the guy who made the game no this is richard moore the chief of my six yeah he's he's he's gonna unfollow people now i thought first of all about this surely you know that that goes against gathering information right

you want to follow as many people as possible yeah true to gather up all that data right we must have missed this one sir any ideas why oh uh yeah i um unfollowed the account he kept posting wordle uh so we actually lost our eyes on that one lost the optics uh do you reckon that's the thing like you can just be invisible by being incredibly boring or like tedious or annoying you know in a way that it stops your assigned agent from doing their job properly you know and listening in on you oh yes there's always one poor like low-level chump who has to come in like and do 24-hour surveillance and he's like working around the clock and sleeping on a mattress in the room you know but these guys aren't just going on a hunch though they're just doing what they're told to do right

so um it's not really... If you're boring them or not, you know, so it doesn't matter. Like, the orders are coming from up top. Somebody else is interested in you, but not interested enough for them to do the work themselves. You know, they delegate. They delegate it down to, like, the Saturday guy. So Richard Ball can just do whatever he wants.

Pretty much, yeah. Interestingly, GCHQ, do you know who that is? Yeah. They're the guys who did the Cambridge Papers leak or something like that. Wasn't that them? No, GCHQ are the UK's intelligence agency. Yeah, but didn't they did something? There was something, some leak or something.

They've done something for sure, yeah. There was a thing there. Sure. I'm sure. I apologise. They tweeted at the head of mi6 yeah with a wordle troll no they did not they tweeted and did they follow it up with a stfu new they just it's yeah exactly it was s-o-r-r-y um in like the green wordle box the grid so yeah there's just

literally casual i i was talking about this pre-op before about how i hate the fact that every brand aldi and all this shit are all fucking 19 year old um tiktok meme lords do you mean they've just hired this entire generation of kids to run their personalities online yeah but gchq apparently have one as well they just have some young social medias they've just for some reason decided to get in on this madness yeah i just i kind of respect it anyway i just thought i'd share that with you because it's it's it's stupid that is pretty dumb actually yeah uh but but but but it but funny and and dumb and yeah speaking of social media and stuff, I saw this thing on the news yesterday where apparently Facebook were like threatening to pull their services out of Europe or something over some row or something to do with like tax or something. I'm not sure.

That'd be great. A lot of the ministers that were at the talks were like, yeah, go for it. Actually, life would be a lot better without your services. So I'm so glad so they kind of uh yeah they like they called their bluff like i i think everybody wants to get rid of all this shit there's no way just looking for an excuse pulling out of europe of course not madness but i mean it's such a lazy bluff as well i know do stuff it's just funny people hate it so much you know you really don't want to say stuff like that as well, because it's like saying, well, maybe we'll leave. Yeah.

It's like, what if you said to- Yeah, fucking leave then. You're having an argument with your partner and you say, well, maybe I should just leave. And if they go, that would be great. You're like, oh, no, what I mean is, you know, just for a sec, just until we calm down. no yeah it's a good idea you shouldn't come back it's like oh fuck like you you can't you can't put that out there unless you're willing to actually follow that's that's that's breakup chat that's i think that's how i've broken up with a couple of my girlfriends like in moments of anger and i've led to an early

breakup at least when i was younger but yeah that's something you only do once i think it's one of those things that you learn anyway it's one of these things that coffee shops and stuff do and things like it's all cost a regular pull out of the uk or whatever or some i don't know starbucks they they suggest that this is going to be a thing that that that they do and so maybe facebook have taken a page out of their book but the thing is with facebook i i think the money that's spent they probably have some numbers like oh 100 million dollars of uk economic funding comes from facebook advertising or something like this you know i mean there's some numbers that they think they can hold over our heads but if if that if they just disappeared that that money would still be spent just either elsewhere in more healthy platforms like on like,

I don't know, buses and signs. I'm just saying, you know, get rid of them. Let's get back into the real world. Let's stop living

in a digital thing. I watched that line go up by the way, P-Flex. Oh, what did you think? I watched it. I loved it. I thought it was

really interesting. I realized how little I knew honestly about this. I thought I was very educated and now after watching. I thought I was very educated. And now after watching a documentary, I feel very ignorant about the whole world. And it just seems so ludicrous, the whole, the idea of a DAO, right? There's this sort of DAO.

I'm not even sure what DAO is even now. Like Dow Jones? No, it's like a DAO. It's like a leaderless community of Bitcoin enthusiasts. Oh, it's like a DAO. It's like a leaderless community of Bitcoin enthusiasts who have been promising things like crypto land and an island and buying the constitution. Do you know what I mean? They've done like so much dumb stuff now,

but none of it's, it's obviously, it's all like, it's like shit Kickstarter failures, you know? It's like, oh, we're going to make an MMO. But then they pump this coin and then obviously they don't have... They can just say anything they want and it's never going to get made. One of these DAOs has promised to put Bitcoin into mouse DNA. Fuck off. Fuck off.

I know. With a genetic virus. Just please fuck off. Like, Jesus Christ. I don't even understand. What was annoying me 10 years ago that was a similar kind of just bullshit? This kind of thing just goes around and around.

There's always some fucking wank that people are into. Also, eagle-eyed listeners may note that the doorbell just went. Let me tell you something. Mrs. F is working from home today. Good. It's because I got the door closed. mrs f is working from home today good it's because i got the door closed mrs f is working from home today she was able to answer the door that's the fucking that's the conspiracy unless she's in on it as well uh well the problem is because we i don't know the best thing to do if you're confronted with a conspiracy is just to deny it seem like it's a joke and trivial right like oh you think

that i should take it very seriously then no no i think the way you're handling it just reinforces it to be more likely oh i see so don't you were up if you were upset by it you took it really seriously i think that then this is all this is all because of the russian spy house that i thought was behind mine people still reference the russian yeah i was thinking of that any news with the russian spy house we already solved that case sad sadly it was not anything cool it's just a very tragic case but the house is still there still looking absolutely um so by the way it's valentine's day when we're recording this podcast luckily i don't think me and mrs f give a shit about that so that's all good carry on we we we got a little bit ahead on podcasts at christmas so

this is gonna be out of date when it comes out but build a bear have launched a series of a series of horny grope versions adult versions for for for single adults i guess oh what you fuck the bear are you serious i don't know if you fuck the bear as much as it's a cuddly friend you oh it's a cuddly okay i don't know i don't know if you fuck the bear as much as it's a cuddly friend. It fucks you. Oh, it's a cuddly friend. Okay. I don't know. I don't know if it fucks you. I mean, look, you can fuck anything if you try hard enough.

Yeah, this is true, actually. I've been trying really hard to fuck Jennifer Lawrence, and she hasn't returned any of my calls. So I'm going to say no. That's an untrue statement. Anything. Okay. Oh, right. You mean, like, inanimate?

You've actually made calls though daily Jennifer just it's my 10am phone call as usual I'm available this weekend let me know LMK I might actually have a number I think I'd get arrested

if I call you one time oh hi Jennifer I have a podcast hi, Jennifer. I have a podcast. Hi, Jennifer. Just hangs up. I have a podcast. I wondered if you wanted to be up with me and have sex and talk about the podcast. I have three kids and I wear shorts full time. Other cool things about me.

I play lots of video games. Other cool things about me. I love that. I love that. That's like a box that you fill in on a dating site. Other cool things about me. Oh, talking of other cool things about me. I don't know.

You guys ever played Dungeons and Dragons? No. Not seriously, no. I've played it casually. I've always played it consistently with a regular group. Jokey D&D. Okay. I mean, I know we've done some when we've come down for Jingle Jam and stuff like that.

Yeah, we've done fun, light RP with very chill. I've never done a campaign where you have to follow the rule book and everyone's super stressed about, you know, oh, did he roll a D8 or a D10? Right, right. Well, some people take it very seriously, obviously. I lost my horse in a bog. The bog horse, exactly.

So there's a subreddit called RPG Horror Stories, which is just about nightmares that people have had in a D&D session with like a bad DM or bad players or something like that DM is Dungeon Master

for those of you out there who have a life I love D&D I wish I played it well since lockdown I've done it online you know I know that

the Yogs guys have a regular Sunday D&D and they've been doing it for years and years now of course and they change people in and for years and years now. Of course. And they change people in and out as people's schedules conflict.

And they have a good time. But I think in lockdown, a lot of... You can find D&D games that are hosted online. People post them. There's like certain resources. There's probably Discord servers. So this is the thing.

You can just join a game. So people will advertise their session and they're looking for players. So this is what I never got into. Playing with people I don't know and have never met and just playing D&D with them isn't really my bag at all.

Like if I'm playing a game, a board game or a computer game, I generally want to play with people that I've at least met a little bit. Not necessarily in real life, but at least online I've hung out with and they seem cool enough and all the rest of it um but to just advertise oh i'm looking for a a party to play some dnd with oh yeah join our game you don't know what you're getting into and that's where this subreddit comes in because you're essentially

going in blind into a game and the dm might be a complete dickhead uh and that's what most of the stories are uh like this one guy um he's just built the most brutally realistic medieval shithole that he can so like if you cast any magic they burn you at the stake everybody's covered in mud and shit all the time uh and it's like everybody's really horrible to each other and if you get in a fight there's a decent chance if you get any kind of crit it'll lead to a permanent injury like the loss of a hand or and then you know your wound will get infected and so well i mean there's realism and then there's fun and i think you have to try to combine star wars isn't realistic right but it's fun because the rules within that world at least

are consistent and make sense you would hope when they don't it sticks out like a sore thumb so it doesn't need to be realistic as long as it's consistent and at least semi-believable i would say that's the truth of any fantasy it needs to at least be semi-believable uh so you know i don't hate the idea of a kind of that punishing universe if people know what they've got going in but i feel like you're suggesting this guy is some kind of noob grinder where he sort of takes people who think they're gonna have a nice light-hearted fantasy adventure and they get put dragged through the mud and have their hand cut off or they're tortured or burned right i mean but honestly if that's the setting that you're coming up with and the players don't know that

going in um why would you ever want to play one of those heroes? And they go out and they sort of defeat this bunch of goblins down a mine. And as soon as they come out, the Lord is there demanding that he gets the money and that they've nicked it because it's on his land. It's like, all right, yeah, that may well be realistic, but it just seems kind of brutal because the game isn't really set up for that. I mean, if you say to people, I'm going to'm gonna run if you want i can run a brutally realistic setting that's gonna be absolutely horrific people be like oh yeah and they're playing it for a laugh

and they know their characters are gonna die but if you're just playing with a bunch of strangers they're not expecting you to fucking bend them over and screw them in just to please yourself i'm such a good dm this is so realistic i've done my research into what life in medieval britain was like and they were covered in mud and shit all the time. Fuck off. That's not fun. Yeah, I think that there's a balance there. At the end of the day, as a DM,

you are supposed to be giving your players an interesting or a good or rewarding or fun experience, right? You aren't just there to make them feel miserable. You're not trying to beat them. That's the thing. It's not a contest. A lot of DMs come up against though is people i think players tend to fall into a very kind of chaotic evil thing when they play dnd and that they don't they just rob

people and knock people out and take this stuff and they just seem to like never step back and look at the morality of what they're doing especially new players they tend to just you know trigger happily just casually murder anyone like gta they play like gta sort of they kind of do they turn into like psychopaths like when you're playing gta you just run people over when i'm playing fallout or whatever i'm just shooting people i don't like for no reason you know i just turned and i think that i think that when you have a group of random people, I think that to stop them clowning around, the idea of giving them these consequences to their actions

feels like a good idea. But actually, it kind of doesn't work like that. You kind of have to give them enough education. You have to find the right people going in. I think, yeah. I think a pick-up D&D game, certainly without proper briefing, sounds grim. I think what people want is a nice simple setting and they can play some D&D and maybe have a decent plot, a decent dungeon or adventure or whatever. That's it. I think one of the

key things is players fuck around when they get bored. And I think for the most part, if you have a fairly obvious and cool thing that you should do, people will do that because they want to get to the fighting and the fun stuff and the treasure and all the rest of it and the puzzles. You're right. It is about boredom. Yeah. Like if you just have like they're stuck in a fucking town and you're not giving them any help, you're not showing them away. No one's approaching them, offering them work. They're just fucking walking around this town you're like well what the fuck you know i sorry if i missed the subtle clue that you gave me in the opening ramble but i'm bored now and now i'm gonna fuck around i think sometimes you have to understand to hold

their hand a little bit rather than just say you are in a town what do you do it's like come on you know i don't want to know where the exits are north south and west to the east there is a dark alley just give me some fucking direction and we can get on with the game because that's why most dragons and dragons was designed for a literal dungeon like there are directions there are doors there are walls there are passages there are caverns as soon as it's open world i think it's much harder because i've been playing like i was saying to you dying light 2 this week right? And it's open world in a way. It's quite walled off. There's bits you can't go to.

And when I think of my favorite open world game was The Witcher, Witcher 3, that kind of made sense. There were villages, you rode between them, and there were certain things that you couldn't get to because the bridge was out or whatever, you know? But generally speaking, as you rode around, it kind of of made sense there were areas that were teeming with monsters and there were areas where there were people and although like we've i've said before

there's no way i could live in a village knowing that literally 10 yards in the away in the river there are killer wraiths of some kind or whatever whatever you know i'm willing to go with it yeah in fucking dying like two there are who will chill out in the street with zombies in sight of them. And it's just like, it's a bit scuffed. I know.

I love that. We were parkouring around. It's a very video game thing that you could stand in a village and they could complain about this mystery monster that's plaguing them

and you could see the monster hanging out by a tree just idling or whatever. It's just so stupid stupid but so in this like there's the people that you talk to are so useless and insane that you think how have you survived this apocalypse for as long as you have like they're like oh i just wanted to get some more orange juice it's like that's why you're stuck on this rooftop because you needed orange

juice and and there is literally unless you can really parkour very well, how the fuck do you even get up here? And they're just like, they're a bunch of them sitting on a roof reading a book. And I'm like, a second ago, a zombie came out of that vent and tried to kill me. And you guys are just here having a fucking reading group? It doesn't make any sense. The world doesn't make any sense. It's been multiple years.

It's the same in like, yeah, like Fallout and all these other games that have some sort of apocalypse setting. You find these people who've miraculously somehow survived you know 10 or 20 years in the in the world and and they're just an idiot um and you're like dude i've been attacked by like a thousand monsters just coming to from the from from you know coming to see you yeah how did you get here like i don't i don't trust you to survive in just the normal world and you're surviving in this apocalyptic world how have you made it this far and then like this one woman says have you seen my boys i'm like and then you know aid and your character's like uh tell me about him she's like well they're like 16 and 13 they said they were just going out for a bit and that they'd be back i'm like you're telling me that you've let your

children go out into the zombie apocalypse where lest we forget i died and i'm like one of the best parkour guys in this city judging by the fact i'm the only one fucking doing it never seen anybody else parkouring around it's me and a couple of other key characters and you let your 13 year old go out for a fucking walk in this what is wrong with you i wanted to say fuck this quest you know what i'm going to save your kids and i'm going to save them from you as well it's a double whammy i'm going to take them off to somewhere else you're gonna you're gonna find this person who's somehow survived this apocalypse for 10 years and then they're going to take a very small injury and they're going to say leave me i'll sacrifice myself to save you oh my god but we could just go together don't leave me look i've got a med kit right here don't worry i've got a med kit like this the exit

doors right here dude let's just go together no leave me i'll distract them for you and of course they distract you for they distract them from you for about five seconds and then they find you anyway i mean this is pointless you know is that scene because this is this is at the very start of of dying light 2 take this key and get in the vent and run and i'll bide some time and of course what does your character do stays there peering through the vent like they're not going to see him so you can see what happened to him it's like and then they're like hey there he is you're like yeah because you can fucking see his face through the vent and they're like oh now i'm running so your character just doesn't respect the fact that this guy's given his life yeah for a start but also this guy has no value for his own life right you

know it feels like it's the opposite if you're one of these hardcore guys who's managed to survive in the zombie apocalypse you care about your own life yeah you've been you've been or else you would have just given it up for the nearest fucking mother and baby that you've encountered along the way. Think about what they've had to do to get this far. It would be like,

like a soldier fighting for the entire war and then right near the end of the war just standing up and going, do you know what, fuck it,

I'll distract the sniper just by waving my arms and I'll wear this pink tutu and jump around in the field and you guys run for it. You're like, no, you wouldn't do that.

You'd get one of the replacements to do it surely hey rookie go run up poor rookies man i don't think the rookie wants to do that either like he's got no choice okay sorge you ain't sending the vets out no veterans that's how they survived by not volunteering for the sniper distraction duty that's that's the key that That's the one you need to avoid at all costs. So another thing you'll notice in Dying Light 2 as you play it is that your character will fight the biggest zombies you've ever seen. Huge, terrifying zombies.

There's this one that swings this huge club around. You're fighting him, like one-on-one, dodging him out. Whack, whack, whack. But if the plot needs you to be knocked out anyone can knock you out i would say it's fully fully 75 of the interactions that are cut scenes i've had so far involves someone punching me to the ground some little fucking guy just punched me i'm like oh i'm rolling around the ground clutching my chain or i not i'm knocked out so they can load the next scene it's like come on dude don't knock me out again like me i'm playing with month we're

doing a co-op run through and it's just it's every cut scene you're getting ko'd it's like come on dude don't knock me out again like me i'm playing with month we're doing a co-op run through and it's just it's every cut scene you're getting ko'd it's so fucking dumb irl i would say to month like if someone tries to knock me out just shoot him shoot him in the head well unfortunately when someone tries to knock you out i'll shoot them in the head we're just gonna make a rule we're gonna try and knock us out you know i don't want to get stringed up in a fucking cage naked suddenly being dropped into lava fuck that shit just shoot the guys or shoot me don't let them do that even if it's a misunderstanding they're better

off not around I don't like people who go around knocking people out it's just not cool don't do it that's how you break people's skulls it's bad you know a lot of people don't get up from that kind of shit do you get to like fix up the city or anything like as you go like so i know i i immediately knew that would be the part of it that you would be interested in and like any kind of building or anything like that yeah um so you know me too well i do it's kind of you do you remember

um in the assassin's creed you would sort of unlock things I never played it okay alright well basically there are these towers and shit that you have to parkour up right and you unlock them and some lads turn up

and a part of the city is very slightly changed and you can choose which of the two factions it goes to alright okay and it doesn't really

change much to be honest with you like the open world stuff is fairly straightforward it's nice to feel like you're influencing this world though that's what i'm looking for man i want a game i want a game where i really influence the world and not just like story wise you know like i want a game like kind of like dying light but like when as you're doing stuff you're remedying the situation right like you know like you you can make, you can make an area so that there's no zombies there, you know?

Like, you fortify up an area and make it safe again. You can see the impact. You can see the impact, yeah. And, like, it's a payoff for working. What you want is basically a shopping mall, right, that's infested with zombies. You clear out the zombies, then you start sweeping. You start, like, getting trash bags. You start reopening, like that you know you start like beyond this reopen grand reopening

start hiring security guards you got to get colonels back up and running and stuff like oh man well i mean you can you can sort of clear out areas in project zomboid which i was also playing yeah and barricade things and sort of make it zombie-proof and everything. You can do that. And of course, the gradual buildup of zombie population makes it harder and harder and so on.

Yeah. You can remove staircases. That's a thing that people do so that they can't get up. And you've basically got a safe area. Yeah. So in Dying Light 2, you're generally,

you're hopping between safe zones because you're infected. Everybody's infected. They've all got the disease. Yeah. And the way you prevent turning is you get into some UV light and that stops it. Or you take a UV mushroom or an inhaler and that's it. Donald Trump was essentially right in that

you just need to get the light inside the body. That's what he said about COVID. So it's kind of like that. An odd concept in a video game pitched at gamers who don't get much sunlight. This game isn't fun. This is a nightmare to me. Not so much the zombie part. Going outdoors. So you go at night time and there are scarier zombies out there.

But you just have to hop in a UV light area and they can't get in. So it's about running between those areas. And you can unlock more of those. zombies out there yeah but you just have to hop in a uv light area and they can't get in right so it's about running between those areas and you can unlock more of those but it's really just you're really unlocking things to make your life easier so you're unlocking bases where you can buy and sell stuff and rest you're unlocking uv lamps that you can hop into and avoid chases because you get chased if you get spotted by certain zombies there's a chase is on they're coming out of the fucking woodwork and you're parkouring over rather them trying to get away but you just get there and it's like oh yeah the chase ended because of course there's uv light so they all run away and that that's

pretty much it that's the cycle of the game is doing the mini quests waiting for um nighttime to sneak into these dark areas that are teaming with zombies like mini dungeons yeah and you can either you kill the zombies you get the loot you go out and you're looking for these gre containers that have like um upgrades for your stamina and health and skills and stuff that's the loop that's the gameplay loop is parkouring around complete the parkour in the first game is really good so i'm imagining it's still good in the second it's it's basically the same yeah um very similar moves and all that i mean you still get some points where you think why the fuck did my guy not grab onto that yeah but it's like you know there's it's still pretty scuffed and we've fallen to our death quite a few times nice where we missed

a jump or you know your route was bad or whatever so it's okay i mean it's a fun enough game the combat is very much you just press against the zombies just press left attack you just swing your fucking sword around and they all go flying um yeah they put this whole like timed block system in to a skill base so that you know you have to block at the exact moment they would hit you and then you get to do a jumping you can do flying kicks or yeah which sort of sucks which sort of sucks though because i can't be arsed with that timing a block shit it's very generous in its timing it's like 39 years old or whatever now like you're when you were like 11 that was the coolest thing ever right timing a block having reflexes and stuff but now that

now that you're old you're just like it's really not it's not particularly it's not like witcher i found much harder the combat i find the combat in this is really just, you just swing your sword. And also, I'm never short of stuff. Like, it's like, I've got like so many health kits and UV lamp things and everything. The game just did get a little harder because we're fighting level three and level four monsters, but that's it. Right. Like, it's really very similar. Yeah.

And you get like a stupid little fucking hang glider which is okay but it's kind of flying that around is obviously any game where there's flying there's going to be things you bump into where you get stuck well the game wasn't expecting you to go there and stuff like that so there's all that kind of stuff so it's okay but the actual setting i just thought was really just doesn't make sense. Like if they'd lasted, if this was the initial outbreak, the Streets of Team were zombies, but I mean, I can kill them on my own and they've got like 20 lads

and they're all knocking me out. Yeah. Couldn't they just clear this out, barricade some shit up? I mean, what's the problem here? Yeah, that's the game I want. Right, there's been no progress. Clear this shit out, barricade it up

and then you can look back and be like, holy crap, yeah, I really cleaned this place up. There's no more zombies, it's safe. Yeah, there's been very little progress. It's been like 17 years since the outbreak and they've just gone backwards. Yeah. Like they built these really shitty Mad Max kind of houses,

but everybody in there is just drunk or insane. So you think, what the fuck have you guys been doing? Maybe that's why. Maybe only the insane can survive. That's kind of the plot of, to some extent, World War Z. They actually start realising that, oh, okay, that they can just kill these zombies with a plot of to some extent world war z they actually start realizing that oh okay that they can just kill these zombies with a crowbar to the head right they start making these improvised melee weapons and it's easy and they just take back the land once they're once

they're not panicking and kind of once they're organized they just they can handle it it just turns out that you need to use specific tools to to regain And obviously every time the ice melts in the north, there's a new wave of zombies that comes down kind of thing. But at that point, it's just a few leftovers. It's not like a big deal anymore. So I got that book thinking it was going to be really, really cool. I was really looking forward to it. I found that the dialogue in it was just totally unbelievable.

I couldn't stand it it's a shame because it should have been right up my street but i couldn't get into it at all it just felt really silly if you want like an actual good book about an apocalypse um call mcmccarthy's the road is very good oh my god it is incredibly depressing you know what so there was a book i read a couple years ago called This Is Going to Hurt, which has just been made into a BBC series. Yes, yeah, I was just going to mention that. I watched the first episode of it and... Oh, it's such a good show.

It's really good. Yeah, really, really good. It's very, very... It's incredibly gory. Yes, it is, yeah. Like, terrifyingly so. But it's based on kind of like real accounts and stuff too, right? Oh yeah.

I mean, this is all his time as a doctor. So the stories that you read about are like when he was an actual obgyn doctor. And it was just like, some of the stories are just unbelievable. But he also worked in the emergency room in A&E and some of the stories there are horrific. Like they stayed with me. I'm not going to repeat them. If you're squeamish, do not read that book. If you're not, it's just horrific. I just don't even want to talk about it. But yeah, that's a really good book.

There's TV shows and documentaries, things I've watched over the years, which just left me so uncomfortable. Scarred. Scarred. Yeah. And I guess, yeah yeah medical stuff i cannot i cannot yeah there's some the first episode there was a a couple of uh c-sections that um are are fairly fairly gory and it's just uh you know i've witnessed the birth of at least three children in my time and uh i had to look away as well like it's just too much i think when you realize just how how rough they are with everything yeah like you you assume they're

all going to be super delicate and everything's going to be like you do but they're just like right get in there they've done it so many times and it is just it does just become kind of a job doesn't it you know like yeah once you've done it a few times the actual physical strength that they're using you kind of don't expect that it just becomes like muscle memory and stuff right like you see these top consultants and stuff and it's just like it they may as well just be from another planet like they're they're approached everything it's just nuts isn't it but i mean it's impressive people who are properly trained you know who know what they're doing yeah yeah you know good point is yeah it's doing. Yeah. Good point. Yeah.

It's a different world, isn't it? It is. Yeah, for sure. It changes you. I think GPs have that look in their eyes of someone who's, like, seen some shit day after day. Yeah, you can see that they've seen a couple of shits in their time, for sure.

I mean, you've been to you've like if anyone that's ever been to a and e i always find interesting to look around at the other people there and judge do you need to be here man you know what i mean like that's the big one for me is i i see people there and i know i can hear them presenting the the to the the reception what's wrong he's like he's got he's got a runny nose and he's got a really nasty cough. And they've gone to A&E. I mean, every health care service has those issues, though. So do you not think that it stems from a total absence of education about health? I think most people seem to have absolutely no idea of what constitutes something you go to see your GP about, something you take care of yourself, and something that requires medical attention i mean because there were so many people there we did

two years of latin pflax instead of learning about i don't know our body i just think it would be a nice course to just teach kids it would be here is here is some basics for you you know yeah but they don't that's much more useful than latin no offense latin lovers out there yeah but fuck latin like if you want to learn latin if you need it for something i'm sure you can learn it then you need to learn it at 12 what would be useful is to teach kids if you have a runny nose and a cough it's probably a cold some of this stuff feels like it should be common sense but you have to also take into account the fact that not everybody is you know like uh like you feel like it's something

very straightforward and that that you should have some common sense about or whatever but there's there's there's people out there with like all sorts of um additional problems on top of that so they may end up in a and e with like a runny nose or something and from an outsider looking in you just think what the fuck are you doing wasting time or whatever? But they could just be plagued with like anxieties. They could have mental disorders and stuff. You know what I mean? Like it's there's a lot of factors that go into all of this stuff. And most of the people in the hospital or you'd hope are sort of trained to recognize some of this stuff and deal with it.

Right. But like it doesn't always seem to be the case i guess somehow i don't know it's weird like i went to i went to a and e because i was like uh in so much pain that i was throwing up and uh like i felt like you know i'm i'm in the right place but even then it was like they they kind of only check you for like two or three things that one of them being like if you've just had a heart attack or in the middle of having a heart attack which i wasn't sort of thing but then beyond some of those things they're just like okay well you're just gonna have to like

take some of these these painkillers and then go see your doctor tomorrow so that i guess it's triage though isn't it i mean it's it's like are they dying immediately no are they gonna die in the next three hours maybe okay we'll let them wait for an hour and see what happens see if they feel better yeah um or not i think a lot of people weirdly the a and e sort of strategy and at least in my experience seems to be if you if you if you're not if you could sit sit around in a waiting room for three hours you can probably just go home. Do you know what I mean? And you'll get bored.

They'll get bored eventually and just go home on their own. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? We won't have to see them. The likelihood that you're going to have any sort of, you know, diagnosis on anything after a trip to A&E is unlikely, right? If you're waiting around for three hours, I mean, if you're bleeding profusely or something is clearly broken or whatever, you know, like, sure.

But otherwise, like, you just kind of have to go and speak to your doctor and go through the motions. That's going to get priority over someone feeling sick. I guess, yeah. It's a weird one, isn't it? But it's a system that's been around for a long time, right? And like, most people don't have

that much experience with those systems which is you know probably a good thing in a lot of cases yeah don't break their arm very often exactly so like i i guess like when you go when you do go and you're sort of um you know exposed to this system for like the first time or whatever it's it you know you probably come away from it thinking like how the fuck does this work at all sort of thing you know what i mean but the reality is is that they have been doing it for so long exactly this is the best that they yeah they've come up with it's obviously an evolutionary process in a sense like they've they've had to do this through thick and thin and through covid and of and you know through all sorts of other challenges and this is the new this is it just yeah it wouldn't if it didn't work then obviously it would be a

problem um but it does seem to work anyway god good health to everyone yeah good health good health um for your health yeah for your health yeah don't don't don't get don't get sick come on jesus before we carry on you've heard me mention expressvpn before and it is important to have a vpn to protect your online privacy you should always use a vpn that you trust and i do use expressvpn i think it's great they don't log your activity online so like cheap and free alternatives will do that they will make money by selling your data to advertisers. And that's not what you want.

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On with the show. Oh, by the way. So it's the Queen's Platinumubilee right which is 70 years yeah yeah throne just happened man how lucky uh do you gotta be like if you're camilla right like she just sort of waltzes in and uh and now is going to be like the you know potentially the queen like in title uh when charles queen consort queen yeah but i mean that's nuts though right you go from just like not being that to being that but and and not even really needing any sort of like uh like like a bloodline for it or whatever like

you just fall in love with with prince charles and then the rest is history it seems kind of nuts though no so same for prince philip right i guess so yeah i mean he's you know they've all got pretty posh backgrounds relatively speaking yeah i mean uh i think that's just how it goes like whoever they they can't choose to marry no sister you know yeah maybe they could back in the day but they've got to marry someone that's relatively posh i guess because how else are you going to meet uh yes i mean prince charles is just kind of like you inherit this title and it's a big title or whatever it doesn't really matter how you do it 1971 that's 50 years ago yeah well she knew she knew what was coming though she knew this is a long time man it was the longest time ever 50 years i mean yikes that's

he was having an affair with her um well the whole time i was married to uh to diana as well i mean that was not a that was not a good marriage was it no it was not no by the way i think uh her majesty the queen is probably on her way out, in all honesty. Well, she's in her mid-90s. She's looking frail and stuff. She is really old. But more importantly, I think she's getting shit in order. You wouldn't come out and say, after all this time,

I think Camilla should be known as Queen Consort, unless you're thinking ahead. I think she's thinking it ain't going to be long now. You think she's been grooming her for many years now? Just like, Camilla, don't hold your fork like that. There's no reason I'm telling you this. Just listen to me for your own good.

You must hold your KFC drumstick with a napkin. And you bite it. You don't just put the whole thing in your mouth. With the Oopie ball until after the chicken is consumed, please. You must keep your Weetabix in a Tupperware container.

It keeps it nice and dry. Camilla, we do not watch television at the dining table. Put your phone away. Yeah, she's all done that. And now Camilla's finally had a dinner time where the Queen hasn't had to correct her on anything. She's like, well done, Camilla. You can be queen consort now.

I can die in peace now. Yes. Well, it's very sad, but they do say that when your partner dies, that can be a very big effect. And that stress can often lead to problems. I'd understand if she was wanting to scale back and stuff too. I think you get into your 90s.

I don't know why she couldn't just retire. Well, she could do. I mean, look, it's 2022. Why couldn't she just say, do you know what? I'm retiring as queen. I'll tell you why. I've done enough.

I'll tell you why. Because she's still knocking about. Yeah. Like no one's going to think that Charles is actually the king. You can't just fucking retire. She'd have to abdicate. It would put a huge blow

to her whole reign if she just goes, I'm fucking done. Yeah. Like, the whole point is she's ordained by God to be queen. But she's done 70 years

on the throne. But that's obviously God's plan, Lewis. Like, there's a lot of history here you can't be just saying do you know what i'm done that i've done my time the pope abdicated didn't he but he was useless wasn't he like that was the point is he he wasn't getting on with yeah but he's chosen by god to do that job so like i feel like it's not like it's not like working at burger king where you're just like oh fuck this job i'm done you know like yeah that's a pretty big responsibility you can't just decide to leave the head of a

catholic church that i i mean the head is the queen is the head of the church of england right fair enough but let's be honest all she really has to do day to day now is turn up at big events and sit there yeah like she's not expecting i mean she does the queen's speech at christmas and everything but the pope is actively doing catholic church stuff like solving you know batman style he's out there solving catholic stuff like he's got to sort this out popemobiling around he's a lot like batman anyway i'm sure he lives in a cave somewhere you put up a signal to summon him. I don't think the Queen has any less crisis management role. I think she does. Her role is to be at least, if not an advisor,

at least a finger, someone to challenge the Prime Minister in private. She doesn't do that. Someone. And also, I mean, the Pope is expected. They don't have any power to make change, but they can make them uneasy. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying, oh, the Pope is awesome. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying, oh, the Pope is awesome.

I'm just saying that at least day to day there does seem to be, he's always in the fucking papers having a yap about someone doing a speech, doing an appearance. I don't know.

I mean, when you were talking, I was thinking, I can't believe this guy is a big Pope lover and he's so pro-Pope. That was just my take on it. Like,

because you just seem to be so... Antipope. You know, like, if you love him so much, why don't you marry him, Flex? I don't think... Well, because he's got a rule that specifically doesn't allow that to happen. Otherwise, we'd be getting a hitch next week.

But, so, I mean, that's part of his job is doing all that kind of stuff. Yeah. Saying yay or nay to things, right? Like, that's his job. She doesn't have to do that. But they're both dealing with these awful scandals, you know yeah in

terms of like members of their family being creeps yeah take advantage of their yeah there's a lot of similarities between them for sure yeah but i think and i'm sure it's the same in that neither of them both of them have probably been raised to this position where they're expecting god to talk to them and you know he's mysteriously silent i think at least i got that idea from the two popes that that was one of the things that the old pope couldn't sort of deal with he was almost like oh where's this guidance that i was promised where's this you know i think there's this awful feeling of doubt i think we must have learned over the upon over the years that this this it's not the deal is he's not just going to phone you up on the telephone and just tell you

exactly what needs to happen he gives you signs right like subtle signs sometimes in your in your weetabix they like yes they spell out like you're you're you you're toast pops and you can see jesus's face on the on the toast or something it's like it's like a picture it's like a word gay and it's crossed out yeah he's just a like he's the he's the ultimate troll right like it's just all these little subtle pranks all the time how do you know you've got it right does he send a backup sign saying no no no you've got that the wrong way around no that's that also you you see the sign and you get a feeling and that feeling feels so right and so you must be doing the right thing that's i'm i think that's how it works right where do you feel this feeling is this deep in your balls i guess so yeah but because they don't really have anyone to answer to i mean if you're

the pope you're only answering to god and it's like it's like having a boss that's on permanent vacation that just occasionally sends you a really really cryptic text every once in a while i mean yeah every time you try to get in touch you're constantly reading between the lines it's just all out of office notifications that's all it is exactly yeah the same one over and over so i get the impression that the the queen has sort of dedicated her life really to the to people Britain and the Commonwealth. Yeah, she's a servant. She is.

She signs off as such. She's always been very much that. That's her idea is to be there for people and it's to be this good figurehead and to be responsible and to care. My mum fucking loves the Queen. Yeah, and I think the Queen feels like she's taken that role very seriously and done devoted her life to it in a in a way that's been done very well she's been a good queen i reckon she's been incredibly respectable it could have been a lot worse i think i think to have somebody reign for so long um and in this case this particular person i think has been

a pretty pretty good stroke of luck. I think it's very hard to say anything bad about the Queen, honestly. Isn't it seditious to say anything bad about the Queen? Is that still a law? Oh, maybe. But in any case, I think that maybe she thinks that, you know, remaining Queen is important because she then is protecting, I don't know, us from Charles or Charles from us or whatever, you know, she's protecting. Like maybe in some way she thinks it's best to just stay on

as long as she can and maximise, you know, like take the maximum amount of burden. A little bit like how Jesus carried all of his sins on his back for us. Yeah. All of our sins, sorry. And and he was like give me more sins he was like going like go go go get yourself wasted and get me all the sins you can i'll take him yeah um he's like a glutton for sins yeah he loved that he just loved it was like sucking up all of our sins sucking them down like coca-cola yeah i drink your sins no i honestly like whether whether you like the the monarchy or or not or whatever i mean

there's not there's not a terrible amount we can do about it it's there uh it it exists and is is currently sort of like holds some power over things or whatever. And I think honestly the queen could be a lot worse and she's probably been okay. A lot of Americans come here to see all the queen shit. Well, a lot of, not even just Americans, just lots of, it's a big touristy thing. It's a very fairytale thing as well. Like every time they bring out a new sleeping beauty

and a new Snow White or princess thing, Beauty and the Beast, any of these things, it's all very regal, very queen and prince and kingly. It's very unusual and very dreamlike almost in its kind of extravagance. Anyway, I noticed there was an article um where that they made like 10 000 anniversary teacups and mugs and plates oh yeah um for the queen's platinum i love the tat that comes off the back of these they misspelled jubilee uh as j-u-b-b-l-y are you jubilee j-u-b-a-l-e-e the platinum jubilee

so they've got all these really fancy i want that like i want one of those that sounds much better than just regular jubilee mug for sure i bought i bought uh we went to um we went to uh windsor and windsor windsor castle um because we were staying in like uh in like a cottage like close by or whatever this was a couple years ago this was before the royal uh wedding of harry and megan and uh in in the town they had like all of these like gift shops and they were just filled to the brim with like, you know, royal stuff or whatever. They even had like Prince Andrew plates and stuff. And so like for as a joke, I bought a, you know, those things that you put your tea bags on. I can't remember what they're called.

They're just like a little dish, you know, like a saucer. Yeah, like a little tiny saucer. And then like when you when you make tea and you take the tea bag out you just put them on there right it's like i don't think they have a name tea bag holders um and uh so i bought i bought one that's shaped like a kettle and it has a picture of harry and megan on it but it's it's funny because over time it just looks like they're covered in diarrhea because of the tea staining. Oh my God. It's been going and going and going. They look like a couple out of Oliver Twist or something.

Like filthy 1700s London. They're just covered in dirt. Like a bunch of chimney sweeps. It's pretty funny. Like that DM's fucking miserable, muddy, shitty campaign. That's how kings and queens looked back then. They were covered in shit. So, yeah, it's a good...

Yeah, I was thinking about... I like all the royal tat. Like, teeth brushing back then. Like, Henry VIII and all that. Did he brush his teeth? Did they have teeth brushing? Answer me, please. I have no idea.

I think they probably... They probably cleaned their mouths with, like, probably some, like, herbal concoction, you know, like with some peppermint or something. Because like toothpaste as we know it and like the way that it's like, you know, tastes fresh and minty and stuff like that. All that shit was like a huge luxury back then, right? Yeah. You didn't just have access to like minty freshness like you had to be but wouldn't that mean most people's teeth just rotted out of their head yeah by the time they were like 18 they would have yes but like life expectancy you pretty

much were dead when you were 20 back then so it's it's the same as now when your teeth are like you know rotting and missing when you're in your 90s or whatever. And then most people just like if they live that long sort of pass away in their 90s. It's all relative, right? It's the same. You didn't have any proper dental care back then and you only lived until you were like 15. Like it's the same thing pretty much. Apparently the ancient Egyptians had a tooth powder. Yeah.

Which consisted of powdered ashes of ox hooves, myrrh, fucking myrrh getting everywhere again, powdered and burnt eggshells and pumice. And they'd rub that on their teeth. And then the Greeks and the Romans improved it by adding some things like crushed bones and crushed oyster shells. Yeah, of course they did. And in the ninth century, Iraqi musician and fashion designer Zer Yab, sounds very ahead of his time, sounds like he could be on Instagram.

Which he popularised another kind of toothpaste. The exact ingredients are unknown, but it was both functional and pleasant to the taste. So I guess this would have been people would have known. Fucking hell, Pete. This is like modern day. I think I used that. Crushed oyster shells and ash. Zer Yab.

Yeah, I saw the advert on Instagram. Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah it's natural i call it um hashtag blessed by hashtag what's it tooth dirt yeah or whatever organic black organic tooth i thought you were gonna say like uh billy uh aquafresh invented the first toothpaste back in like it's like the guy who invented the toilet what was his name like john crapper or something like that what was it william crapper some kind of crapper yeah yeah i love that it's such a good name yeah i think he he's a little bit like dyson though do you mean i don't think he actually invented the the the thing he just became synonymous with he just made it better he he

yeah he just made a good one he made a good one yeah it's just really satisfying to take a crapper i guess and then i'm sorry guys oh so he founded a company a sanitary equipment company his notability with regards to toilets has often been overstated uh yeah he held nice patents including the floating ball cock. This guy had it all going. The word ball cock is a great word. Ball cock, isn't it? Yeah, the floating ball cock. And his name was Crapper. I mean, he was all over it. I wonder

if he had a sense of humor about it. Alright, guys. Okay, that's enough. Get Crapper's ball cock in here. We need to get this. We need it up and running ASAP. No sniggering. Crapper, come in here. No sniggering when Mr. Crapper gets here with his ball cock.

This is called the penis flush. It goes next to the ball cock. Nice. And yeah, just come all these stupid names and then take them very seriously. Then the water comes out of the butthole. The piss pipe in the toilet. Down the piss pipe. My name is Jimmy Ph jimmy phallus

and i am here to patent my new fandangled cock washer um it's a washing machine for your cock um where where do i need to sign on the dotted line it's all these people from history with these crazy names and crazy ideas i love it just honestly i can't imagine mr crapper having a sense of humor about his name no probably like he would say the crappers are a proud breed abigail crapper i forbid you from marrying john phallus you oh man well as much as i love podcasting i feel like uh it's time to go we really did not much to talk about this week wow we really well well there's there's bits and pieces i think it was i think it was all right we covered a lot a lot of a lot of shit we got we got we got into it

again look you know it can't they can't all be be platinum jubilee standards we should say that at the end of every episode look they can't all be good we turned up yeah we were here i've been playing um a lot of uh dota recently uh just uh just uh ending on uh i've been playing a lot of dota recently and um you know you win some and you lose some. And a favorite thing now to be said sometimes is like, well, we queued, you know, because like you tried, you know. You tried. You tried. You accomplished that at least. You got four other people with you into a queue.

And that was about the biggest accomplishment, right? It's fair. Anyway. Thanks. No. End it on a positive note there. Take it easy, everyone. Yeah. Love one another. Yeah another yeah and yourself be excellent to each other and party on as well yeah see you later yeah bye