Triforce! - Triforce! #218: Pyrion's Gorging Mailbag

Episode Date: May 4, 2022

Triforce! Episode 218! Pyrion busts open his juicy mail bag once again, Lewis gets jealous of anyone with a scientific job and Sips has a tea party from hell with his daughter! Visit http://joinhoney.com/TRIFORCE to get Honey for free. Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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No, I, well, it wasn't me who went. It was not, it was, yeah, no, I went to the dentist a couple weeks ago, full transparency. I see, but you actually have to keep going back to the dentist because no my my wife needed a filling i don't understand how my wife actually flosses i don't really um she is she her her dental hygiene is like second to none mine is lacking you know does she secretly eat a lot of chocolate when you're out working she might i mean i don't know but um but so she had to get a filling and uh and my son needs a retainer as well yeah oh yeah so just went through just going through this process ourselves as well with the 13 year old at the moment had to have two

teeth out oh um so that's to make room for the braces braces but annoyingly we now need to wait months to actually get the braces fitted I think I spoke about this didn't I on a previous episode where we went there and they said we haven't taken the teeth we went there for the scan where they put this

3D map of her teeth they're like yes we can do this and they said we just need a couple of teeth take it out and we'll put the braces in we'll set an appointment i was like cool so we made the appointment turned up and they were like she's still got the teeth and i said yeah i know i was kind of hoping you guys would do that and they said no and i said okay that was not imparted to me in any way that we would have to get the teeth removed somewhere else and then come back i thought this was a dentist and they were like no we don't do extractions oh sorry i was gonna ask steve next door to do it that's right because he's got a door handle and some string i don't know what are you talking about door

handle and string just get uh edward norton from american history x to do a curb stomp on you knock out all your goddamn teeth no problem i. I was just a little, I was not expecting to be told oh, yeah, sorry. To be told that you're in the wrong place for having anything done to your teeth. Why have you come here with a mouth full of teeth? This is a dentist. It was weird.

So, yeah, we basically have to go and get the teeth taken out and then the nearest appointment is like fucking June or something annoying like that or August. What you want want is a tooth removal dentist this one is a tooth addition dentist it was just so fucking awkward oh man that's so bizarre all right well so listen um sorry i um so i didn't have to go to the dentist like i said so my wife took my son to the dentist well by the sounds you will be having to you know crikey well stop flossing dude no well i mean it's so far so you're getting old

well yeah i know but like i just get one set of chompers you need to you know what that would be like even if i lose them all with the false teeth in the jar next to your bed go on carry on your gums adapt your gums adapt. Your gums adapt. They harden. You know, it's fine. Whatever, man. I just like... You know what I mean? Like I got them now. I love them. Don't get me wrong. Gummy old man.

Yeah. I brush my teeth. I'm downplaying it. I do actually brush my teeth very, very regularly. I want to get the whistle that old people get like that when they talk. That didn't seem to be... Some popsicles?

Yeah, so I had to stay home. This podcast in five years time. I had to stay home with the Goyles, with my six-year-old daughter and my nine-month-old daughter. Oy, oy, oy. So the nine-month-old slept for like an hour, which was great. So I just watched like YouTube and farted around on my iPad while that was happening.

My daughter was just watching My Little Pony. But then when the baby woke up, unbeknownst to me, my six-year-old daughter had this master plan that it was time for a tea party. So I'm like, okay, fine. Like she had the blanket out and she had all the cups and all the all the fake food and everything the baby woke up and she was like she was like getting excited because there's all this crap on the ground and stuff so i was like whatever fine i'll take part you know like i'll do the

tea party holy crap i like there's so many rules it's unbelievable like i was actually getting angsty throughout the whole thing like i i was i was trying to like define you know the rules you know like it's like meeting the queen you know this protocol yeah to be followed but and the rules of etiquette for a child's tea party is apparently it's very strict and seemingly a lot of it is completely arbitrary. You couldn't guess it. It was like being at the queen's tea party, but with like, I felt like I was like in a Roald Dahl book or something like that, where I wasn't meant to be at the tea party. Right.

But the protagonist of the book was guiding me through the tea party. So like my daughter had two personas for this. Okay. She had the very chirpy, upbeat, like hostess role that she was playing. And then anytime I messed up. The guy in the van with the earpiece.

Yeah. Anytime I messed up, she would go like very quiet. She'd be like, no, you cannot do that. It does not work that way. And like, it was like really serious all of a sudden like i put i put chocolate in my

cup i was like you know i'm just gonna drink my chocolate out of the cup and like the baby was just i don't know what the baby was doing and my daughter was getting like all these rules it was crazy like i wanted to i wanted to to have some pancakes so she was like okay i'll make you some pancakes ambassador was it like having tea with the queen where the queen is in a really bad mood yeah pretty much so she's like what do you want on your pancakes and i you know you're just like i'm i'm there but i'm i'm i'm not right i'm just trying to kind of hurry it along a little bit and so the first thing i saw was like what looked like a pile of mushy peas, but it's like a plastic one, you know, like fake, fake mushy peas. So I was like, I'll have some peas on there.

She's like, the quiet voice came out again. No, you can't do that. You can't have peas on pancakes. You have to have chocolate or maple syrup. And I was like, yeah, hit me with some maple syrup then, I guess. Sorry. I just was apologizing the whole time. I couldn't do anything right.

But meanwhile, the baby gets a free pass. The baby was drinking from the cup upside down and licking all the spoons and everything. But for some reason, I was just having a really tough time. So that was my morning. Well, you know, you should have read the book of you know mrs doolally's book of etiquette for girls you know you should have you should have properly for young girls you didn't have to you didn't have the benefit of the embroidery lesson i didn't know what i was getting into that's the problem that a young royal um expectant woman would would do

it's a shame so it's very very serious business, it turns out. So that happened like half an hour ago, I'm guessing. Yeah, I'm fresh out of that. It's very fresh. Very fresh. A raw wound being poked at here on the podcast. Yeah. I'm very sorry to hear it.

So I'm out in the garage now where it's nice and peace and quiet, and I play by my own rules out here, which is pretty good. You can have your own tea parties with your own yeah things you can have peas on your pancakes all you want terry's getting bigger now though and he's starting to stink a little bit so i ordered a um diffuser i don't know if you have one of these it's like it looks like a humidifier but it's just like a small it's like a small circular urn type thing you plug it in and i think it just kind of uh sprays mist out of it like it like like steam you know like i think it heats up the water a bit lets it steam out and like occasionally sprays little like mists into the room but you can put

some like um essential oils in there there, like some lavender or whatever. You might have to be careful. You might not be able to breathe that stuff in. One or two drops in there and just make the room smell nice. Yeah, but you don't want to poison him. No, I don't really believe in essential oils. I don't intend to poison him. I know that if you have certain pets, like if you have pet birds,

you can't have any candles or anything like oil at all because it goes in the air and their lungs are really, really sensitive to it. Oh, really? Oh, maybe I shouldn't do it then. You have to be super careful. I was going to like super dilute it though, you know. I was just going to put like one little drop. I just wanted the… You're such a good dad.

I just wanted the nice smell, you know. I'm going to have to send you some care packages. Because I sent Terry some care packages before. And he needs... I was reading about turtles. Apparently, they need the biggest square space. Yes, I know. He's outgrowing his space now.

He's been in the... The weather's been nice. He's been out in the garden a lot. I think that's fine to have an indoor cage and an outdoor space. But yeah, I need some solution. Because it just smells like ass in here sometimes i come in and just what are you doing terry stinks yeah he's pooping in there is what i guess so yeah man i mean he probably thinks the same thing about you so i'm sure he'd quite appreciate the diffuser but yeah i think you should definitely look up whether it's gonna poison him or not i hate to be that voice of madness no no it's a good shout it's a good shout i thought that like i thought

that just like a little tiny bit would be okay but maybe i should look it up it's stupid because certain things we use are like we just don't realize i don't know how all these animals survive in the wild when basically everything like you know when when it feels like you know because people are like oh my dog you know almost choked to death on a bit of plastic i'm like how did the how did the feral dog survive then like out there in the street all the time like because they just adapt everywhere it's like you see all these birds like eating like fucking shit out of nappies and stuff and i'm like how the fuck are they doing that and yet like i don't think they're living long lives though i mean you're only seeing a snapshot of their life that's probably true they're living long lives, though. I mean, you're only seeing a snapshot of their life. That's probably true.

They're probably dead, like, within 10 minutes of that. Of that nappy situation. Of that sighting, yeah. And a cat's eating them. And then that's fine. We assume that they go off and live and have lots of babies and live a happy bird life, you know, just swooping and fishing and eating more diapers and stuff like that. But the reality is they're probably dead. And you know,

those ones that you see like smushed on the road or sometimes just dead on the side of the sidewalk in town or whatever, it's probably like 10 minutes before they were probably eating a diaper. Although I will say, I have, when we moved to Queen Square about six years ago now, there was, I noticed there was a seagull.

I'm going to get the door while you guys do this. There was a seagull with one leg outside that seagull's still going so you know yeah i've saw him i saw him the other day so yeah it's nice you know they say that like obviously animals live a lot a lot less long in the wild than they do in captivity but you know and seagulls live about 50 years apparently even in the wild so a long time but yeah um he's still going so it gives me hope a little bit that leggy has somehow managed man somehow managed to battle his way you know and still has his own little bit of turf in queen square that he guards from all the other seagulls yeah you know just just thinking it's nice so like he's

just he's got it all locked down like the the minute the minute like some sort of diaper or something enters his sphere of influence he's squawking he's keeping the other ones away he's marking his territory he's holding down his turf with his one leg i imagine him to have an eye patch as well maybe that's incorrect but like it just seems like what you've described is like kind of like a vietnam war veteran seagull to me yeah on the streets i heard a thing this week about eye patches a lot of pirates wore them just because they would uh go below decks and it was a lot darker below decks so they'd be out in the bright sunshine oh please and then they'd switch the eye patch how did they figure this darker below deck. So they'd be out in the bright sunshine in the Caribbean. Oh, please. And then they'd switch the eyepatch to the other eye.

How did they figure this out? They could see below deck. That's bollocks. What? You think that's bollocks? Yeah. Oh, man, I like that idea. I mean, I like the idea, but I mean, there's no way that somebody...

That's such a boring detail. I don't think anybody would have even written that in a book or memoirs. Like the memoirs of Ripper Joe. The Patsy Jones. The most notorious pirate on the seven seas. I worked my patch for 20 years on the open sea. It made it easier to see indoors after coming up from the deck. Well, that would be true of anyone who was outdoors

and then had to go indoors. A pirate life hack. Farmers have been doing this now. In fact, everybody should wear a patch. What goes outside. A Royal Navy eye patch. That's true. That's ludicrous.

That is probably bollocks. Where did they come up with this shit? You know what? Like, fucking, here's the thing. I'm being constantly told bollocks though by people so I had a story of one of my friends at the pub the other the other day I won't say who basically he knows someone who one of his friends is like a vet it's Duncan and his and this vet used to work in Brazil when you say

you mean he's a veteran or he's a veterinarian? A veterinarian, sorry. A Brazilian veterinarian. Interesting. A Brazilian vet. Well, no, he used to, he worked in a Brazilian zoo for a year, I think. And he heard a lot of stories when he was there. Right.

And one of them that happened when he was there was the flamingos, right, had been dying. flamingos right had been dying and so apparently unrelated story he mentioned that they they had to they were annoyed because they had to keep smuggling in new flamingos to replace the ones that died they have to smuggle them in well again i i was like he was like that's a story for another time and i was like okay yeah it sounds like bollocks. Yeah, this is like... Right, so there was... Okay, now, I don't know... Right, sure. So the flamingos are dying, okay? Like one a day is found dead

in the flamingo area. Yeah. And so they take it to the v to the vets and the vets this is the guy who the vet who told him the story i guess yeah they they they said that yeah it's neck's been broken it needs an eye patch go on and they might want to install some security cameras oh gosh okay and so they're like okay fine so they installed some security cameras, and that same night, they saw a guy scaling the fence, the flamingo enclosure,

climbing in, chasing a flamingo from the group, grabbing it, breaking its neck, and then fucking it. Okay. Okay? And it turns out that the vet had found, like...

It turns out the flamingo pussy is the best pussy you can get. Jesus Christ. Well, okay, so apparently it turned out that, yeah... And it's even better when it's dead. I mean, come on. What the fuck? Well, no, but this is it, apparently. So apparently this is the thing.

This is what I was told, and it could, again, be complete bollocks, is that there is a history of people, some people in Brazil, fucking chickens, okay? Because apparently if you break the neck of a chicken, it's cloaca or whatever, like spasms, goes into like spasm. And it's like a, I don't fucking know. I'm not thinking about it. What are those fake vaginas called? Apparently it feels nice, right? And it's like a, it's like a, I don't fucking know. All right. I'm not, I'm not thinking about it.

I don't think one of those fake vaginas called. Apparently it feels nice. Right. To fuck it. Um, worth killing an animal for like, I guess like a flamingo is like a fancier chicken, right? The exotic element adds to the lure of fucking a bird. Chicken fucker, excuse me, I only fuck flamingos and other unusual birds.

How dare you? I'm not some common chicken fucker. I fuck ostriches and emus. And there's ones in Australia that have big claws. What are they called? Velociraptors. No, raptors and other dinosaurs. in Australia that have big claws? What are they called? Velociraptors. Raptors and other dinosaurs.

What if Jurassic Park was a Jurassic Pork? Welcome to Jurassic Pork. And the music plays and there's Richard Attenborough fucking a dinosaur. It feels so good. It's gotta be the original score but like twanged up a bit, right? Pow pow pow.

Pow pow pow. Pow pow pow. the original score but like twanged up a bit right yeah yeah like a slap bass like so yeah with some bass slapping and stuff and there's the the t-rex giving a little cockatish look towards uh sam neill he's like maybe i could fuck a dinosaur he'll be thanks for bringing me to Jurassic Pork, but I don't have any money to pay you. Will this do? Clever girl. The rent's very expensive on this island.

Clever girl, he says while he looks down at a raptor sucking him off. Oh, clever girl. Oh, this is getting into some fucking fanfic right now someone out there is furiously beaten off thinking we open the gates yeah man oh man yes so i just i i don't know i enjoyed that he had a bunch of other stories about how like um i don't know stuff like kind of stuff you'd hear on tiger king about like a horse a horse sanctuary you know not knowing what to do with the dead horses and getting a deal with the zoo to

give them straight to the lions and stuff like this oh ring them up oh i've got a dead horse oh don't worry the lions are hungry today i'll come over and pick it up you know how often do you think people take a slightly unusual job just for the stories that they could tell down the pub because i think it's a lot more than you'd think. They love to be able to say, you never guess what happened at fucking Zoo, mate. We caught some bloke right here. Let me set the scene.

There's some bloke right... He's fucking the flamingos. Here's how we found out. You'd be like, what? He's like, yeah, mate. No, no, let me tell you. It's a fucking brilliant story. That's the only reason this guy's got that job

is to be able to tell the flamingo fucking story. I just got back from sweden if we want to talk about that oh yeah that's right by all means i was there for a week uh i had my own little apartment for the week that i was there did you do any um did you do any did you do any uh sampling of local cuisine and uh try your hand at preparing any local cuisine in your apartment i didn't do any cooking but i did go out for dinner a couple of times um for some local cuisine indeed uh at a nice nice brewery nearby and uh went out for dinner another time as well to an esports bar so james harding who i haven't

seen in a long time um and yeah it was it was it was great was really good. It was a good week. It gave me a... It was like having my own place with a little kitchen, bathroom, you know, my bed. I got my desk. They provided us with computers. I was streaming while I was there on my downtime, which was a lot. Because I often didn't... My drive into work wasn't until 7.30 in the evening. Oh, wow. And then we'd start at like 9 and finish at like 3.

So I'd sit around for like 12 hours or whatever. I was like, well, I may as well do some streaming. So that was cool. I went out to the supermarket and got my little supplies and everything. I felt I was like a bachelor lifestyle for one week, which was crazy. And it gave me a taste of what it would be like

if I'd made some really bad decisions in my life. And it wound up living on my own in a tiny studio apartment. No kids, no Mrs. F. Just playing video games all day. And I thought whilst I would definitely be able to get more done in terms of streaming and stuff like that, and would probably make content out of sheer boredom, it would also be a much sadder life. And when I came home last night and sat with the kids and we were chatting and you know the dog and everything was really pleased to see me it just felt nice and it made me appreciate how lucky i am um so it was a it was a good trip the total was uh some of it was fairly questionable in in um in value but it was a lot of fun and i

got to do hosting i did hosting for the first time i've never done hosting before wow so that's where where they you're on the main desk in the middle is it no no so i'm on if you're looking at the screen i'm on the left right and i'm the one that says you know welcome back from the break and i introduce what's coming up i talked to who are your co-hosts for this so i had you know purge yeah and you know cap yeah yeah so they were on the desk um so i was chatting to them and then i had jenkins and suns fan who are absolute chaos like just they're they're bonkers i'm very very funny so that was my other uh desk that's a big five it was well yeah so it was like those two and then we'd swap for the other two so they'd swap this i only did the na region so you those two were the casting pairs as well so they'd swap back and forth between casting or paneling. And I was just

hosting. And it's interesting, you know, you've got the producer in your ear. You can go to break when you're ready or can you queue up the interview, stuff like that. So you just got to kind of monitor the conversation and try and steer it. And, you know, you get used to it. I mean, the producers were really, really good. And it's a very simple show. I mean, there's really not much throwing to do. It's very straightforward. You know, we come back from the break. I say hello.

Sometimes we go straight to a video. Then we come back. Then we go to a break. It's like, but it was good. It was a good experience. And something, oddly enough, after 10 years of this shit, I'd never done any hosting before. I'd always been, like, a panelist or a cast or a content creator.

So it was good fun and i'm going back next month less than a month actually i'm probably going in like three weeks um for the major so there'll be very similar thing for the group stages i think and then i'm gonna have to get a fucking suit and do main stage stuff and uh it should be it should be fun but it was yeah get yourself get yourself yourself down to Harley Street or whatever. Get yourself tailored. What's it called? Savile Row, I think is what you're thinking of. Savile Row.

Yeah. Wait, what? Well, that's the plan. Some cosmetic surgery, you mean. That's Harley Street. That's Harley Street. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, get yourself some new chompers. Yeah, man. Get yourself a brand new spanking new pair of chompers. You're going to be... Get a wig. You're going to be hosting and stuff. Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the big Doja Tournament. You can't even talk because your teeth are all... Teeth are enormous. Welcome back to the Doja Tournament. Just let me move my brand new hair out of the way. Welcome back. Yeah, just do a full circuit of london get everything get lipo you know get get your get your i don't know like mr burns when he has his regenerative therapy has to

go through where they inject it with stuff and put drops in his eyes and crack his spine and everything just go through some process come out the other side looking exactly the same beautiful for the stockholm major when when is it actually uh let me get my calendar i know paradox paradox con is happening pdx con so it's next month uh i'm gonna be in stockholm from the 10th till the 23rd so i'm away for like two weeks um and i think the major is the final three days uh so it's not like like the rest of it will be the group stages and stuff which is a lot more laid back and and uh probably in the same studio and stuff like that but then the actual main event will be in a hockey arena um in the center of town near the globen anyone in stockholm know the globen i think it's going to be there their

tickets are still available globen globen but sweden's great i love sweden uh it honestly feels like it'd be a wonderful place to live the winters would be the worst and probably only downside um but i mean you know there's loads of really nice stuff to wear sweden the fashion for cold weather is very very good you know you everybody looks great in their cold weather gear um and uh you know the swedish people are just a very handsome people they're just just i don't know how they've done it but probably stealing all our good looking people back in the day but they're uh they're beautiful people bringing them home it's just a beautiful beautiful country you know they only work eight hours a day like you start at eight you finish at four that is it you cannot work

someone more than that and your next shift can't be less than 11 hours away uh if you're freelancer in certain jobs you're obviously your hours are different but their rush hour is at 4 p.m on the dot everybody's on the road which was i was not expecting well you didn't drive though did you well yeah we had to drive we got driven from the hotel to the studio did you do any driving yourself i I didn't do any driving, no. Pussy. Good idea. Too scared?

Fucking pussy. No, I was driven. Oh, nice. Good. Today's episode is sponsored by Honey, the easy way to save money when shopping on your iPhone or computer. I installed Honey back a few months ago when we first heard about it,

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you on with the show you i have a really full mailbag this week if we want to dip into that yeah yeah well shit yeah that way i don't have to bring up any of the stuff i've thought about this won't take too long so i got an email from colin who says greetings uh to period and uh the triforce podcast i don't know why he singled me out after listening to several of the most recent episodes i couldn't resist reaching out he was he was overcome i guess my name is indeed colin he is a colin uh and he's a professional filer wait were we okay were we so i'm guessing uh he's mentioned colin because we thought that colin was a dead name yes exactly right we said nobody's called colin he's mentioned Colin because we thought that Colin was a dead name we said nobody's called Colin yes exactly right

we said nobody's called Colin he's called Colin and no one does filing he does both of those things alright he works okay Colin who does filing you got us there find me find me an Abraham who does stripping

at a female strip club okay that's your homework this week who does stripping at a female strip club. Huh? Okay. That's your homework this week. So he works at the Missouri Botanical Garden as an herbarium assistant. So it's a bunch of archived plants and dried press plants mounted onto paper, put them in folders and cabinets and stuff like that.

So they're physical objects and they'll be thrown away. They have to be filed. And that's what he does. He does that in Missouri. He says he sent me about eight pictures of his work. And if you can imagine, you know, flower pressing, when people do flower pressing, it's book after book after book

filled with pressed leaves and plants and flowers and all marked up. Some of these samples are very old and they keep them all. And it looks like a really cool job. And it's got those filing cabinets with, they're all in a big row and a huge handle at one end

and you wind the thing and that thing comes out. So you don't need to have, it's a space saver because you just bring the filing shelves out to you rather than having to have corridors between shelves, if you like. So it's like a huge rack of shelving units you just wind a thing and it comes out and it's a space saver so that

that was from colin and my goodness it's a lot of filing an awful lot of filing so shout out i can hear you scrolling through it that was the scrolling yeah um thanks so much for getting in touch colin yeah cheers colin mate um yeah interesting job herbarium assistant i guess it's like a bit of a weird i don't know if i consider that filing lewis is jealous i mean he's no he's obviously he's pressing plants which is cool lewis hates this when somebody writes in and they have like an intellectual type job that count big time like he doesn't want to hear from you okay if you have like an intellectual type job that count is louis big time like he doesn't want to hear from you okay if you have like some science job or whatever don't get in touch okay

we're trying to keep i guess what i'm saying is archiving is different it's like putting away physical specimens of objects right that's that's like that's like keeping track, keeping a record of the physical world. By filing them. By filing them. I mean, it is essentially filing. If we're going to get into semantics here, sure. You just filed it. Right?

But just saying, I don't consider that pure filing. If I was a mathematician and someone had and I was doing pure mathematics and someone came along and said work me out this look at how tall this building is I'd be like, get out of my shop. Get out of my shop?

It's a mathematician's shop. Can I help you sir? I'm looking for a quadratic equation. They're over here on the shelf yeah this is the pure mathematics shop exactly thank you period all right i'll get on with it what's the next bit i've got one from neil uh he's uh he's a canadian right he's from from your end of things um he's i mean it's a big place like is he actually from my end or is he just happened to live in the same he says he's from your end i don't know if all right okay are we calling neil a liar just out of the gate i don't know i don't know neil are you a liar he's got a couple of questions are you a bitch

he's got a couple of questions i had a terrible encounter with my quantum competing professor oh here we just if it was he walked into him mid-poo in the public toilet because he forgot to lock the door. And as he went to block the door, he slipped inside the washroom and fell. And the class is very small, and they now share this intimate secret, which makes things very awkward, which is, that is unfortunate. And he has a one-to-one exam review with him next week, and he's really scared,

and he's wondering whether he should bring it up to kill the tension or just not mention it. I don't think you ever bring it up. It's one of those things you just store it in the knowledge bank, right? And every time this guy says something to you... You'll think about it again and again. Yeah. Every time this guy tries to get a one-up on you or tell you what to do or whatever you have a slight giggle to

yourself and you say you don't tell me what to do because you have this knowledge now right that this guy slipped in a bathroom after taking a dump and everybody knows about it or whatever you know the worst possible thing a teacher could ever do right like uh i think anybody who who sees a teacher or a police officer or anybody that you're meant to hold in some high esteem um fall from grace like that you know like show that they're just one of the one of the little people deep down inside uh i don't want to go all sherlock holmes on this it gives you that that power right here we go it gives you that power he right? Here we go. It gives you that power. He's a man who doesn't lock the bathroom door.

Well, he might have just forgotten. No, but there's certain people who don't. If you have a family, if you live with your parents, you don't forget to lock the bathroom door. I'm sure you don't, P-Flax. I'm going to just say, if I'm taking a dump, I'm 100% always locking the door. And if I can't lock the door, if I'm taking a dump, I'm 100% always locking the door. And if I can't lock the door, I'm not taking a dump.

That's just... Now, can I level with you guys? If you lived on your own, and you got an... You might even start taking a dump with the door open in that Stockholm apartment when you're in your bachelor life. I did. You took an open door dump? Yeah. I live alone in that apartment for a week.

There's no one there. Come on. Exactly. I'm up to my neck. I'll go you one better, Sips. I'll go you one better. open door dump yeah i live alone in that apartment for a week there's no one there come on exactly i'll go you want better sips i'll give you one better i don't even have a lock on my bathroom door here at home what the fuck we don't have three women yeah we don't have are they just in perpetual fear of seeing you on the toilet no the rule is if the door is closed, somebody's in there. So you're in there birthing out an anaconda and somebody just walks in? Well, if they did that... How do they know it's empty, though, if the door's closed? What do you mean?

Well, what if it's... Do you never close the door? Here, I'll show you. Listen. Right. Did you hear that? What's that? That's a knock.

Right. That's a very simple very ancient technique for your kids must be really well trained because my kids just barge into any door they see like they have no business going into half of these places and they're just like well a closed door boom it's open like they're just they're going in there if you see a if you see a closed bathroom door the first thing you do is try to open it. Not me personally, no. Let's do this situation. Okay, you've been caught out.

Okay, you were out walking around town, going to the math shop, whatever. You bought some quadratic equations. You got them in your bag. You're taking them home. You need, you get an urge. You need to poo. He's just had his new teeth and his new hair as well. You need to poo, right?

You bust into the house. You head to the bathroom you're like oh i'm desperate now really desperate hang on a second is anyone in there just checking well okay let me go in now you've got no time for that all right you've got no time i've managed to make it all the way home what about this i understand that seconds count but i can't be literally that is the difference between me shitting myself and making it to the toilet one small problem with the with relying on the knock what if you knock and the person inside has fallen asleep and they miss the knock but then you open the door and wake them up and there they are uh just uh waking up after they fell asleep while taking a crap.

And you've startled them. You know? Here's the problem with the knock. Well, you're right, that would be bad, but unusual. Here's the problem with the knock. Go on. What do you say when they knock?

Oh, no, sorry. No, I'm in here doing a poo. Don't come in. Like, what do you do? Occupied! Occupied! Like, what do you do? Like, there's no good outcome for the counter knock.

You're just causing someone stress. I say, no! That's what I say. No! No! I mean, just, I just feel like both scenarios are not good. You know, the knocker might not wait long enough after knocking and still interrupt the person.

That upsets the person. I just, I don't mind the rattle of the door, you know? And I'm safe right in there. What about, okay, what about your mid-conversation with somebody? Like, probably your kids in this case, or my kids, I would say. Your mid-conversation, you say, okay, I'll be back in a second. I just got to go to the bathroom, right? You go in, you close the door. You might lock you if you are that way inclined or not but the door is

closed you sit down you start doing your business and outside you can hear the conversation still going the person's still talking to you when you're in the bathroom has that ever happened to you before yeah yeah sure do you talk talk back? Or are you just like, give me a minute. I just need to go to the... I got to concentrate when I'm in there. I'll normally say, can you please wait?

And here's the thing that Mrs. F does. If she needs to talk to me and I'm in the bathroom, she will wait outside the door. And I'm like, can you just fuck off? She's like, I want to talk to you.

She's like, I want to talk to you. I was like, can you wait until I finish shitting and then we'll talk? I don't want to sit out there hearing the poo splashing into the water me yes like that fuck off but the door lock wouldn't help in this situation man right no it's like my my kids do this thing too and i'm sure yours did as well flax where like the other day the the baby threw

up everywhere you know like babies do right but she just she just barfed everywhere she was plastered in it like her whole high chair everything happens it's just it's part of it and you know luckily we're both around when this happened so um like my wife picked her out of the high chair quickly i stripped all of the sort of like padding for the high chair and everything put in the washing machine straight away and my but my wife was still standing there holding the baby far away from her because she's just dripping in barf right well it's in the kitchen so it's going on the floor whatever but it's fine like you know we that's easy clean yeah we've done this before it's an easy clean or whatever but when you got two other kids 10 years like my my daughter comes in she's like can you

cut the tag off of this teddy bear for me that i just got like what timing is this like can you not see what's happening here no i'm not cutting the tag off anything right now it's like a baby covered in bug like there's no fucking way like it's just the timing is crazy right like they have no concept they don't get it all right so okay we're going back to neil uh first of all no no first of all let me just finish Timing is crazy, right? They have no concept. They don't get it. All right. So, okay. Going back to Neil. First of all, let me just finish. I don't talk to people when they're in the toilet.

I'm not comfortable with it. Me neither. I don't like people coming into the toilet, even like my partner. I'm like, I'm pooping or peeing in here. That's my thing. What about if you're in the shower? What about if you're in the shower? Some people don't mind, but I just don't like to keep a separation.

I like to keep something mysterious in our relationship. Honestly, I don't know what you're going to say about showers, though, Flex, but for me, I don't give a fuck. If somebody comes in while I'm taking a shower, whatever. But if I'm peeping or pooping... The kids are obviously not allowed in while I'm showering, but Mrs. F sometimes needs to get something. Not having a bathroom door locked in that instance

is quite useful. Fine. But pooping or peeping, it's your own time. Can I also add one specific detail which might help to understand the situation better? The toilet is behind the door in such a way that when the door opens, it'll hit you in

the face if you're on the toilet. So you've got that extra barrier and a chance to, no! And put your hand on the door opens, it'll hit you in the face if you're on the toilet. So you've got that extra barrier and a chance to, no, and put your hand on the door. Man, that doesn't sound like optimal bathroom layout. It's not, but it's a small bathroom. It's a small house. It's an old house. There's not much to do about it.

I will say we have a more, I think I've always had a more Marco Polo style, like, hello. And then if you hear a little hello from the bathroom, a more like i think i've always had a more like marco polo style like hello if and you know and then if you hear a little hello from the bathroom you know that it's like well they're occupied i answered your question earlier and that way that way i don't even have to knock you know and cause that drama because trying the door is kind of aggressive it feels like someone's it is kind of aggressive because you're very vulnerable when you're pooping you're like like even when my dog poops she's like all eyes and ears.

She's like, if someone's trying to sneak up on me while I'm pooping, she's like worried because you're in a vulnerable position. Hell yeah. Well, as a dog especially, you're squatting, it's coming out. Like, man, that's the prime time for a jaguar to just rip your throat out or something like that. That's right. That's natural selection, baby.

Waiting for them to poop and then jumping on their throat. Listen, with Neil and his teacher, I feel like there's two dangerous scenarios we need to be aware of. The first is obviously that that man is sad, lonely, lives alone, unlike you, P-Flex, with your family and dog. And he's on the edge edge he's leaving the toilet open but the second thing is that he could be doing it on purpose to hoping someone will bust in and that's his thing i think this analysis is uh is is not great because we don't know his personal situation and it's very unlikely that he is waiting for people to burst in on him it's a very bad i mean for a start if you're actually pooping like that's not good but the other thing is is why would you then panic and try to close the door slip and fall like that

would you just give a sort of wink finally i see it's like the spider caught another fly you like squirreled that one away from the bank i see right so anyway okay no you're right you're right my cock is out stop my bottom is showing so we're all saying don't mention it that's the that's it neil number two yeah the best thing to do is just to never mention it and never mention it yeah so his second thing and this is this is crazy makes me ask a lot of questions about neil completely off topic there is a conspiracy that starbucks purposefully misspells the customers names on the cups when you order they do it so people get angry and talk or post about them on social media thoughts on

this that's what that's the conspiracy theory that starbucks does it on purpose because they know people are going to tweet it or instagram it or whatever yeah a picture of their misspelled name and it's the starbucks fucking logo is right there in the tweet it's like a subtle kind of marketing what do we think do we think that's an actual thing it is it is hilarious how the baristas do seem to have never heard of normal names before because you'll say they'll say what's your name and you'll be like mark and they'll be like okay and now they'll write murk on it or something and you'll be like murk isn't even a fucking name like how did you not know that like where do you come from are you an alien my son's name is also bought is what you're saying yeah what are you talking about

murk is a perfectly cromulent name no i feel like you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't like if you give your real name they're gonna misspell if you give a joke name they're just gonna put it on there and then somebody's gonna take a picture you know like if i go into starbucks and i say they say oh can i take your name and say yeah mike tyson you know everybody's just gonna be like oh fuck this guy i'm gonna take a picture of his coffee says mike tyson on it'm going to get a million views or whatever. You know what I mean? The thing is, they'd spell your name M-I-T-I-S-O-N.

Do you know what I mean? They'd spell it like the way you sort of just casually phrased it because they probably have never heard of Mike Tyson. Yeah, no, it'd be like... They'd be like, who's Mike Tyson? It'd be like the Scottish spelling, right? So it'd be like M-C-T-cdyson mcdyson yeah yeah i want to know when did we start calling people that work in coffee shops baristas they work in a

fucking coffee shop i'm sorry but calling them all baristas if i work in a in a grocery store right like a supermarket i don't have a fancy title i'm a checkout i work at a check i work at a till i work in a shop but what would you call that a cashier yeah no you're you're like a sales assistant right but people that go beep and a coffee comes out now they're a fucking barista is that a cashier as well i'm saying it needs a title that doesn't sound so fancy yeah but starbucks coffee tastes like shit there's no artifice to it and quite often the person working the till isn't the one making the coffee. They're the one working the till.

And some other poor chump has to go... Other coffee comes from, like, a gloop from a bag. Have you ever noticed that? There's always, like, bags full of gloop back there. I don't know what's in there. I'm talking Starbucks. If you work in a proper high-end coffee shop... Coffee comes from deep inside, guys.

And it's made with love and care. And the corporate overlords uh love you and want you to have a good time they don't care yeah about you know anything else they just i actually i personally don't really mind a star they're overstating their job they're overstating i kind of like the taste of their coffee like burnt shit yeah but it's true it's like like i think the checkout person doesn't is a sales assistant they work in sales do you know i mean you go to get you put that on your cv and it's it's it doesn't say i worked in mcdonald's right for four years you say i worked in a high-end eatery as a

sales assistant yeah do you mean yeah executive sales fucking assistant in other words he knew how to do refunds on the till man i like when people ask me what i do anyway they can convince people into these jobs what do you say your job is oh i come up with everything i just say like what like it changes all the time it depends who i'm talking like if an old person asked me what i what what my job title is i'm like i'm a wizard or like uh i'm a scientist or whatever like i don't give a shit man and they if they ask me specifically what i do i just make that up too i just come up with all sorts of crap like oh yeah i press wild flowers and uh strangle birds like whatever like i don't care like you could say your job is professional liar

then yeah like yeah yeah i'm like uh like a soul goodman um like in real life like just just no but that's the catch-22 is this like if you say if you say you're a liar but do you were you lying about that shit i mean oh i see that's the whole indeed um yeah i i just say i work in with computers yeah i just say i work in with computers and people go okay i work with computers because they don't such an easy work on a computer for for idiots i work with computers because because i don't want to have to explain it. And also, it kind of sounds like once you have to go into it, they have so many questions,

and you've just kind of answered them a million times. If it's someone that I'm potentially going to be friends with or whatever, then of course I'll take the time. But if it's someone I'm going to meet once and never see again, and it's just going to be a boring conversation for them and for me i just say i work in it and then we can talk about something well it's exactly the same with me and and honestly like i meet these people sometimes who obviously who who just not at the pub but randomly you know you meet people because you've got friends and they have friends and blah blah

blah um and they're like oh what do you do i'm always like oh i i um i just i like sips i just make something up on the spot. Usually I'm like, oh, I'm a video editor. I'm an old style cat burglar. With the masquerade mask and everything. In the classical style, I am a cat burglar. It's a dying art, but I like to keep it alive. I mean, it doesn't matter though, right?

Most of the people you meet, you're just never going to talk to them again anyway. You might as well just make them laugh. What's quite funny though the people you meet it's just like never gonna talk to them again anyway you might as well just make them laugh you know what's quite funny though is when you fight we meet i've met this this girl who was like oh i'm an instagram model i was like oh my god oh yeah and she sort of showed me her instagram profile and it had like is she 100 followers it had 100 followers or something i was like it's still this is your job people in one room that's a lot of people i mean like you try to fuck all those people holy one room, that's a lot of people. You try to fuck all those people. Holy crap, that would be hard, man.

What I'm saying is that people... If all 100 of those people fucked a flamingo, that would be the greatest... I think it's the other way around. I think she works in a fucking Starbucks, but what she tells people, she's an Instagram model, whereas we're fucking doing this, and we tell people we're just working with computers

yeah well it's always a way a billionaire doesn't introduce themselves as a bill i'm not saying i'm one but like you know what i mean you don't just say i'm a billionaire like you you do like that uh you you you pretend that you're insane and you walk around your bathroom in your slippers like that uh head of a mafia family used to do in New York, remember? Everybody thought he was crazy. Crazy Joe? But then behind the scenes, he was pulling all the strings big time. Pulling all the strings? They never picked him up.

I don't want to say it's like modesty or anything like that. It's literally just entirely selfish reasons. It's like I don't want to get into a conversation. I don't want them to look me up. I don't want any of that. I just want to be left alone and talk about i'm ashamed of all those jokes that i make on a daily basis i don't want anyone to watch my my videos that's the worst when someone i know too much about me though as well especially when i'm out like with my partner or something we're meeting some of her friends and and you know i don't want them to go home and like fucking

look me up and listen to me talk about them on the podcast or whatever do you mean because they're nice enough people right i just don't need to know i just don't need this other grown-ups that i meet ask me what i do and i sometimes someone will tell them before i can say and they're like oh he's famous on the internet i'm like please don't say that like that's really and they're like i'm gonna look you up i heard internet. I'm like, please don't say that. Like, that's really... And they're like, I'm going to look you up. Oh, you've got a podcast. I'm like, please don't listen to that. Please don't have anything to do

with any of the internet stuff that I do. Just stay away. I mean, please, please. It's not for you. I know you, and it's not for you, please. They're going to fucking eat you alive out there. You're not ready for it.

Trust me. It's degenerate. It's weird, but yeah, I feel like... It's not that I'm necessarily embarrassed, but it's more that I don't necessarily know that they'll listen to a good bit, because usually what will happen is they'll listen to a little bit,

they'll be like, that wasn't very funny. And then they'll be like, oh yeah, I thought he was shit. I listened to his thing it was rubbish yeah episode 187 or you know they just they just chewed in for five fucking seconds and they just man for me it's always like and i only played oh god i only played happy wheels like two times and uh but still it's like oh yeah i saw you play happy wheels like oh come on i played it two times. Like how... Like 11 years ago. How did you sift through the swamp of fucking garbage content

I've created over 10 years and find that one? It's the same with my brother. My brother will send me a WhatsApp message saying, oh, I just watched that video of you shooting those boxes. And I'm like, where the fuck was that? That was like seven years ago. Oh, man. He's like, I don't even remember that at all got another email here this is from aiden these have been great for sparking conversation holy crap yeah just say he's a university student in liverpool and he wants to

interject on the topic of the liverpool hooters oh which we spoke about and by extension the liverpool strip clubs discussed on the podcast and how you mentioned that they are looked down on in Liverpool. I don't know if we said they were or we suspected they were. Yeah, I don't know if we have any... I suspect that strip clubs in general are probably looked upon downwards by a lot of woke modern people who don't think that they are up to date with the times. So yes, I don't think that's an unreasonable take is that the consensus nowadays though is that what how people really feel about i don't know if we i mean i know that there's a lot because there's a lot of my body my

choice and stuff too right but there's also stuff like sex work is real work and yes in the community lots of people have discovered discovered the health and fitness benefits of stripper poles as well, which they install in there. Pole dancing is very good for you, apparently. Yeah, exactly. So, like, I don't know. Maybe it's still not quite frowned upon. So is yoga and running and other things that aren't involving exploitation of vulnerable women, probably. I don't think that, by by its nature the poll is exploitative

if you're doing it for cash on a in a seedy bar on a near a fucking cheap motel in the middle of fucking nowhere in the u.s for a buck a dance and sure that's probably pretty exploitative but what if you couldn't get a job doing something else and you enjoyed your work i mean you know i know i just throw it out i always feel like i have to throw out the alternate um viewpoint here anyway that's aiden does not believe this is the case as whenever he goes anywhere in liverpool town center after dark there are people with strip club camp pamphlets and two-for-one deals for drinking advertising a local strip club even going as far as seeing them with big signs that say Hot Girls This Way written on them. See, I love that.

I love the two-for-one deal at a strip club. Like, what's the two-for-one? All our girls got two titties. Every single one, guaranteed. We don't settle for... We don't settle for walking around. We got no mono- mono tittos over here. No omni tits.

Well, we got one broad who's got an eye patch on one of her tits. But she only uses it when she goes in from dancing because the lights get in her eye and she can see backstage. So she swaps the patch around. And she's missing a leg. But she got two titties, so no problem. We got no cyclops titties in here. They all got two titties, so no problem. We got no Cyclops titties in here, alright? They all got two titties. Cyclops titties!

And if you wanna fuck something, we got Flamingos backstage. We got the Flamingos. You gotta break their neck. I've never been in one of these establishments, continues Aiden, but I would guess they are rife with old scouse men who've had arguments with their wives and who need a quick high. In conclusion, these places are a hit

and misogyny is the last thing on their minds. and who need a quick high. In conclusion, these places are a hit, and misogyny is the last thing on their minds. So here's my conclusion. Well, I mean, I guess it's, I think it's probably easy to make assumptions about the caliber of the clientele and stuff, but realistically, there's going to be all walks of life going in there. I mean, the kind of average person I think is in there is Gaza.

Well, what about what about tour buses filled with japanese families they seem to like this sort of stuff because when i was in amsterdam man they were piling into like sex shows and stuff with their they had their cameras and everything they were ready like this was a novelty for them uh for whatever reason and you know maybe you don't see that so much at strip clubs but there is kind of like an element of like um i want to say fun but like maybe you know people trying to experience something a little bit out of the ordinary for them you know what i mean like um the first time you ever go to i know we've talked about this like a billion times but like

um it's kind of like a coming of age thing in some ways too right like like we went to one well said good when we when we turned 18 and it was like let's go and see what it's all about sort of thing and it was it was kind of weird and creepy and stuff but like we had fun too like it was just you know it was just one of those things that i think that you're right it is it is a touristy thing and a joke thing and a cultural thing and a stag dewey thing and a laddie thing yeah i i i think it's i think it's becoming more of a less of a desperate thing and more of a joke thing um and i think people are aware that it is like kind of i feel like there's there's better places to be desperate nowadays right like you've got right you've got the internet now it's in full

swing why you don't need to leave your house to be that desperate anymore you know like well i feel like i got another strip club related email that might solidify your point yet further do we have any strip club workers chipping in or is this just this is a teenager this is an email from colin that is that is exactly a strip right lewis this is gonna be more parker to typical listener this is a very long email but i'm going to sum up the best part of it okay in essence him and his mates they're 18 and they decide to go to a strip club they find one that they can get into and there's a whole bunch of other blah blah blah blah blah one of his friends goes for a backstage dance and comes back and says that he had a great time and

he got to give the stripper a massage with cocoa butter uh and he said it was really hot and they his friend talks him into getting a dance backstage one-on-one. So he's like, fine. So this is where the story picks up. So she takes me back. And this was the most awkward moment of my life. First thing, she didn't get redressed and was still covered in John's cocoa butter. Oh, nice. I'm counting the seconds trying not to think about John.

And it is dead silent. The dancer begins to make the most awkward small talk ever. Where are guys from and how long are you guys down here for i'm nice so i give her a little run through of our plan and eventually she starts giving me travel tips have you been to johnson beach's papagio's greek restaurant it's so good it has a great drink menu and she went on for what seemed like a decade and And when she said, you know you can touch me, right? So he says, great. And he says, this is in words, proceeded to pull the most half-assed hip holding

like in GTA 5. His own experience with strippers to this point is grand theft auto. When you go to the strip club, he gives her the money and leaves and he's still covered in cocoa butter and stinks of it till he gets home. That is super awkward.

Funny when you'll talk about it later, but I feel bad for that lad. But that is my, that is, that is what I think my, oh, like, like every. Lewis's top five strip club moments. Number one, the cocoa butter incident. Oh man. number one the cocoa butter incident oh yeah well i think that would be like every every moment in the strip club for me um i don't know it's it's awkward it can be very very awkward and i think the only people it wouldn't be awkward for would be people who went there all the time um and yeah i i get it i i think they are very awkward uh and i i'm sure that aiden will will think of this uh in years to come and think nope that's why i don't go to strip clubs yeah i think i i don't know is it something to do with kind of i don't know it's so complicated

i don't know what are you what are you doing what do you what do? I mean, if you go into the math shop and buy the quadratic equation, you know what you're getting, right? But in the strip club, what was he thinking was going to happen? He was going to rub cocoa butter on a stripper's teeth. They're 18-year-old lads. They're doing some Jager balls.

They're in the club. They're having a nice time, man. Why didn't he just come out with cocoa butter all over his face and be like That's like And I would have gone backstage And I would have been like listen darling I'm just going to rub some cocoa butter on my face

And you can just stand there I'm actually allergic to cocoa butter Can you have Something else that is not Going to flare up my hair Cocoa butter I can't have ones with hazelnuts in Do you have something else that is not going to flare up my hours? Do you have vegan cocoa butter? Yeah.

I can't have ones with hazelnuts in. Oh, man. Okay. That would be exactly what happened to me. Holy crap. Well, there you go. That was a fucking podcast. Man, that was a good podcast. And man, the mailbag really delivered this week.

Holy crap. It was great. Tell me about it. I was just going to talk about how I finished watching Severance, which was really good. I highly recommend it. Oh, what a show. And I was also just going to end up

talking about how I started watching season six of Better Call Saul. I'm two episodes deep, and it's pretty good so far. I like the show a lot, so it's good to have it back. I was going to mention... Well, thanks, everyone.

Sorry, just very quickly, I was going to mention on Netflix, the TV show Old Enough, which is a Japanese, very old Japanese show. It's been running for 30 years. And they get little kids to perform everyday errands and tasks. And they're very young. Sometimes they're like as young as two years old.

Wow. And they turf them out into the street to go and like, go and take this fish to the fishmonger and get it sashimied. Then pick up three oranges and two cans of milk and come back. They send a two-year-old to do that? Yeah. That's crazy. We should talk about this. we should talk about it next week go ahead you guys go ahead and watch a couple episodes and come back old enough i watched i watched it's

great yeah we'll talk about this for an outro okay well that's enough of that then see ya