Triforce! - Triforce! #22: Prepping For Disaster

Episode Date: October 5, 2016

What would you do in a disaster? Would you black out? Sips would!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hi, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. Today we're on the road once again. That's right. I'm in Bristol. Lewis is in Bristol. Empyrean Flax is in... Home.

My home. Home. He's in home. So we're kind of sort of like a third on the road and everyone else is where they're meant to be sort of thing. Yeah. It's an honorary on the road. A little bit of light drilling going on the road and everyone else is where they're meant to be sort of thing. Yeah, it's an honorary on the road. A little bit of light drilling going on in the background.

Yeah, it's just a typical Friday thing that happens around here, I think. Yeah. Just a bit of drilling. So we're recording on Friday because it was a bit busy yesterday. We've been busy all week, actually, haven't we? And also your internet's been up and down. Yeah. It's been up and down.

You know it. You know, we've been busy. We've done a lot. I've done a lot in the last week, actually. We went to E and down. You know it. You know, we've been busy. We've done a lot. I've done a lot in the last week, actually. We went to EGX. How was that? How was that? It was okay.

Yeah? Yeah. It was a good event. It's good to meet everyone, as usual. You meet different people. Sometimes some of the people are the same, too. Some of the same people I've met before. But it always feels like they fit into certain categories.

I don't want to say this is a bad thing, but, you know, although 98% of the people I meet are people I've never met before, I kind of feel like I have met them in some way because they're all... Smelly? Interested in the same thing. They have the same common interests. You know, they're wearing common... They all smell the same.

No, they all smell great. They all have the same bad. They all smell fantastic. I like to group them into four categories. Stinky, ugly, stinky and ugly, and other. Spotty. I like to put them into the categories stinky, smelly, stupid, and even more stupid than the other ones. No, that is not true.

Our fans are universally cool, funny, like pretty bright. Recluses. Sparkling. No, none of them are really that. If they were reclusive, they wouldn't be at EGX. No, but that's the thing, though. It's like, you know, they force themselves out to meet Lewis. They want to meet him so bad.

No one does that. You know what? I don't normally leave my house, but to meet this guy, I'm going to do it. I think you have to. Yeah, the kind of people who want to meet me. Yeah. They want to just like bask in the essence so that they themselves can be more like Lewis. Like they feel like if they're around him.

This is why you keep heading down to Bristol. Yeah, you just want to be around him. When I met Lewis for the first time, I was just shaking his hand and looking at him. There's like a glow coming off him. And I was just like, oh, it is just such an honor to meet you, sir. It is such an honor and a privilege. The first time I met him, I was like, I've never spoken face to face with an eight-year-old Lebanese child before. And this, to me, is a thrilling thrilling experience and i'm enjoying this a lot

just because i'm about four inches shorter than both of you or maybe even more actually maybe sort of five or six doesn't mean that i'm a child okay and i think it was like i think it was like doesn't it lose i imagine you meeting me is more like meeting the Pope or the Dalai Lama or something like that some sort of figurehead you know benevolently

palms open I imagine for you meeting me it's like the first time a woman set eyes on Fabio and you know I get that

I look in the mirror and I think to myself holy crap I like the way Fabio was your go-to. It's still for me. I'm thinking heartthrob, heartthrob. Yeah, do you think Fabio is still like, he's like the steamy romance novel hero, isn't he, Fabio?

I think he's in his 50s, dude. I don't know who you mean as in, do you mean Fabio the from the footballer? He's 57. Google him, man. No, Fabio the model. He's 57. Yeah. Fabio.

He's 57. Google him, man. No, Fabio the model. He's 57. Yeah. Fabio. Fabio is such a name of a Lothario or a sexy cat lover, isn't it? Exactly. Oh, wow.

I didn't know this. He was in a syndicated TV series. Its name was Acapulco Heat. Oh, I bet you that was a sexy one. It sounds like a steamy romance novel. It sounds sexy. It's like girl porn, isn't it? It does.

But best of all, this was a real 80s thing. HEAT. This was 90s, actually. HEAT was an acronym. Right. So it was H.E.A.T. Hemisphere Emergency Action Team. Hemisphere?

It sounds like a backronym, doesn't it? It sounds like they came up with it. They wanted to use the word HEAT, and they just tried to crowbar any words that made sense as a backronym. I like that. Oh, here you go. A group of top secret agents based in Acapulco, Mexico, are recruited by C5, a secret government coalition, to fight terrorism and international crime.

The team kept a low profile, this is brilliant, by acting as models and photographers. Wow. Because they're famous for having a low profile, aren't they? They represent a beach fashion enterprise. Nice. I love the crossover. I like how I like it. Led by Ashley Hunter Coddington, played by Catherine Oxenberg.

Wait, who did Fabio play himself? Claudio Devante. Oh, yeah. The owner of the hotel where the team had its headquarters. They should make a steamy book about that as well. I think both Claudio and Fabio are names that used to be sexy, but now the men have kind of got a bit old. So names go in cycles, right?

You know, you can think of old ladies' names that are like Peg and Dot. You know, there was a time when those women were the hottest women in the world, okay? Yeah. So there'll be a time when we consider, I guess, names now,

like what names are hot now? Like Rachel, Jessica. I don't know, they're getting old as well. There are like old millenn consider, I guess, names now, like what names are hot now, like Rachel, Jessica. I don't know, they're getting old as well. There are like old millennial names, the hot names now. So like Tashay and things like that. Shanaynay. Shanaynay, like names that aren't names. It's just like Garble that somebody came up with.

Garble. Greta Garble. Yeah. Joseph Garbles. Greta Garble. Yeah. She's a... Joseph Garbles, yeah. So Civ 6 has been out and consuming most of our time this week.

Yep, yep. It's pretty good so far. You haven't played it, have you, Sipsy? No, I didn't get a key. I guess I'm not, like, on the list. Duncan hasn't either, so you're not alone, honestly. And he actually, like, is a bit miffed at that. More so than you are, I think.

Yeah, I mean, I would like to try it out. But I'm not like, you know, I've got other things to do. For instance, my wife's been summoned to jury duty. Oh, really? This is something that happened to me this week, yeah. So we got a letter through and my wife and we're like, where is this from? It looks like really official or whatever.

So she opens it up. It's like, we need you to serve jury duty from nine to five monday to friday like of some big fucking case and i'm sitting there crapping my pants like who's gonna look after these kids when while this is happening oh my god i don't give a shit about justice i'm not looking after two kids for like nine to five monday to friday then they're not just two kids they're your two kids that makes it even worse worse. I mean, still, though, it's hard sometimes. Yeah. So anyway, so we contacted them and we're like, you know, what are the exemption criteria?

And they're like, oh, are you a full-time mother? She's like, yeah. She's like, yeah, you don't have to do it. Okay, great. Sweet. Yeah, it's pretty good. So, yeah, so she got out of it. But it was a close close it was a tight

script i thought we were gonna have to like stop playing video games yeah it was like i was looking at a week of no video games there for a minute and that was stressing me out a bit that's that's hell that's hell oh because you'd have to stay at home and look after yeah kids oh i see because normally it's hard to play video games when you look after you know full-time mom she doesn't get enough credit really and just no well full-time moms don't full-time that's just like zero time dad isn't it it's like full-time video games dad yeah yeah i don't get enough credit either but yeah like sometimes sometimes when they say like what's your occupation she's like um uh stay at home mom she's like oh you just stay at home as a mom and and it's that just that's so cutting and you're like oh god

i have to go to the bathroom now. You guys carry on. I'll be back in like an hour or whatever. Just crying my eyes out. I give people a ton of shit when they do that. It's a hard job. Because, I mean, obviously, when I say, what do you do? I say, I'm a stay-at-home dad.

I get the same conversation, which is, oh, you just look after the kids? That's it? Oh, that's pretty sweet. And I'm like, OK, come here, my friend, because I'm going to put your head through this window fuck you yeah where's your contribution to society pflax my kids are my contribution why aren't you stacking shelves or because his kids are going to do it in a few years time yeah your fucking office job he's not he's not doing it he's going to send two people that he made himself out into the world to do it for him. I'm making consumers here.

I think that, honestly, that's way more important. You know what else I'm doing? I'm making kids that aren't arseholes. How about you try doing that? How about you try making people that aren't arseholes society? You're making the world at least three less arseholes in it. And do you know what? Am I one of the arseholes?

You know what they say, though? The apple, or in my case, the apples don't fall far from the tree, and my kids are both arseholes just like me. And I'm proud of them. I'm proud. I'm proud of myself, and I'm proud of them, too. You tell that kid to go fuck himself. Good job.

Don't take any shit from nobody. I don't know if that's my definition of an arsehole. I think a lot of the arseholes I know don't tell people to go fuck themselves they're just assholes assholes in other ways mostly people who who think that looking after kids full-time is is just looking after kids i think most of the assholes i meet are people who refer to me as an eight-year-old dead man's child or yeah that sounds like a pretty assholey thing to say i didn't contribute i just laughed I just thought it was funny But through laughing you are contributing

It's like when people mask swearing The intent is still there So it's still kind of swearing isn't it Go F yourself Yeah go F yourself Well the aggression and the intent is still there But you're just censoring a word I always think that basically The whole thing about that is it's like when you say the n word yeah when i say the n word

everyone in their head hears the word hang on a second noodles roll back a minute do you do you freely use the n word i never use no i never use the actual n word but i do sometimes say the n word oh like you say the n word yeah you don't actually use inverted commas the actual n space n space w but i guess the thing is if it's coming up and you're like you're thinking of you're thinking along those lines so already you're going this way let's say you had an argument with a black guy in a pub right and you said you called him you said you fucking n word and you said n word called him, you said you fucking N word. And you said N word, like you literally said it,

you fucking N word. Like you didn't actually say the N word. You just literally said N word. Maybe I said you fucking nerd, but I pronounced it like N word. No, no. But if you said that, he wouldn't say,

well, that's not offensive. He'd say, I know what you're calling me. You just didn't say it. You just said N word, but I know what that means. So it's just as offensive. It's not, it's not you're calling me. You just didn't say it. You just said N-word, but I know what that means. So it's just as offensive.

It's not a way around it. I see. Imagine the sequence of thought where you were actually going to call him legit the N-word, and then you sort of like thought in a split second, maybe I should just go with the N-word because it's less offensive. Just say N-word. And then just as you're saying it, you're like, I don't even want to say the N-word. So you have to mask it, and you're like, you fucking't even want to say the N word. So you have to mask it and you're like, you fucking Enron.

And then he's just like, what? Did you just refer to me as a bankrupt company? Son of a bitch. Or like when people say like, instead of like the word piss, they say P-I-5-5 or P-1-5-5 or something. Yeah, you know, like who is this? Instead of saying pussy, they say P-U-5-5-5. What are you talking about? Yeah, you know, like, who is this? Instead of saying pussy, they say PU55Y. Who does that?

Man, people do it, okay? Who does that? No one has ever done that. Okay. But if you've done that, let me know. And sometimes I think to myself, what am I doing?

Why am I being such a PU55Y? Why don't I just say pussy? Because who cares? What the hell are you talking about? So you're in the bank or something waiting around for someone and they're fiddling around and they're like I don't want to do that

investment, Johnny. You're like, stop being a PU55Y. Stop being a PU55Y. Eat my SH1T and go F yourself. I'm busy. Fill in the form N-I-G-G 44. What?

Anyway. No, I think it's valid, though. I think that if you're intending to swear, you might as well just swear, okay? Like, you're not teaching anyone, like, anything decent by masking your swearing with, like, stupid fucking riddles and shit like that. The thing is, I find myself swearing sometimes, and I think that, in a way, it's lazy and ignorant of me to just use swear words. just use swear words uh when i could use a more colorful way of putting something you know some really put someone down with with some cutting remark like referring to them as a nine-year-old lebanese boy like that's that's more cutting than just calling someone a dickhead you know what i mean the dangerous thing with that is that you have to be you have to have wit to do that you

know and if you don't you end up just looking really pretentious and uh stupid no but some people do it really well you know like those old like, like, foppish dandy sort of like, you know. Oscar Wilde was a good example of that. Battle of wits sort of thing. Those can be quite funny, like, if they're done properly. Oscar Wilde, though, I imagine he spent like two weeks writing them and then had a little notebook. And then whenever he needed to insult someone,

he'd have to get the notebook out flick through it and then read out his wise crack remark I feel a little bit like Oscar Wilde's wise crack remarks are almost a little bit like the ones you think up

after the moment's passed you're like oh do you know what I should have said to that guy when he did this thing I should have said this I'll write that down

and then I'll tell him what I did say that's a bit of a trope isn't it in comedies and stuff that's like a that's a bit of a trope isn't it in um in comedies and stuff like that you know like that's like a george costanza yeah right it is he'd go off and he'd think about it and then he would try to come back oh yeah years later segue in the line and segue into it and then it looked just looked like a total idiot because it like the moments so long what was that when he did that meeting? The garbage store called and they're all out of you.

Something like that was his big lie. Exactly that. Yeah, no, I like that. I mean, I think when I was younger, I used to do that. Like if somebody said something, I'd go away and think about it and be like, fuck, it would have been great if I actually said this. And then I like built up a bit of an arsenal of those like over the years, but I never used them. Like it's, it's just one of those things that you think is going to be really funny,

but you never get the situation again where you can use it. I think the only way to handle that, if you're letting something that someone said bother you that much, you're going away and stewing about it and thinking, oh shit, here's what I should have said. Just console yourself with the fact that what you came up with was clever and be content with that yeah and just think well at least i came up with something funny that i could have said it doesn't matter if i say to him it's not gonna change that person it's not gonna change the situation and what if you'd come up with this brilliant cutting remark on the spot and then they'd immediately turned it around and shot you down even harder you'd feel even worse just be happy

it's over it's like lewis will have a good day today you know he'll have his lunch everything will go well he'll do like some work and stuff and he'll have some he'll have some interactions with people and it'll go well and he'll be walking home and you'll stop and you'll smell a flower and stuff and then he'll hear a shuffling behind him and he'll turn around and he'll see a small lebanese child staring at him and it's gonna trigger him to fuck and he's gonna go crazy so it's going crazy is one of these things right and it's sort of related to what you guys were talking about but do you sort of sometimes when you go a bit stir crazy and get like when i used to ride the bus to school i was so bored that i would come up with these sort of scenarios for what happened if there was like an emergency or whatever.

Yeah, sure. I do all that. You know, what would happen if the bus crashed or whatever, or like there was, or it was held up by hostages, you know, there's like guns, guns all shooting. Held up by hostages. And I'm like, I'm just like looking at that big bus window thinking, how do I break through that window? Can I do it? Or would I just duck down behind the seat? You know, do you ever come up with those sort of scenarios? Yeah, with those all the time all the time do you know when i do that the

most i do that the most on planes if i'm sitting on a plane i'm just sitting there and i'm like fuck what if like the wing fell off right now like how would i react what would i do like how would that look i'd look out the window and the fucking wing would tear off and then like would i just black out and die or like would i black out the plane would crash in the ocean and then i would like survive somehow and come about and be underwater and then maybe die and stuff and like oh and then be on a desert island i mean i like how you no no i don't even i don't even like get that far your plan went pretty far though there i mean and it sort of skipped all of the key elements. Like what, though?

Like you were suddenly outside the plane. And what? I mean, like. Yeah, well, because I blacked out. Because when you lose the wing, the G and the G's, right? No, but that's not what you do for an emergency plan. You have to. You don't think, OK, if the wing fell off, I would immediately black out.

I'm being realistic. I'd probably black out at that point. I don't think you'd black out straight away. I feel like I would. You'd be panicked. The adrenaline would kick in. You'd be like, what am I going to do? be like what am i gonna do yeah and that would totally give me either a heart attack or a blackout i'm sure how much how often do you plan for emergencies based on being around a blackout i factor a blackout into most emergency situations actually so i feel like it's just too

much i feel like there's just too much. I feel like some of this stuff is so crazy. I feel like we need to know this, though, because if there's like a fire alarm going off, you know, it's like, okay, so you've been flagged. You're not allowed to sit in an emergency exit anymore. How? We were listening to your podcast,

and frankly, we're not impressed. We heard that your emergency response is to black out. out. You're a blackouter, so... Oh, shit. All right, man, here's the plan. We go in through the back of the bank. We're in there. We get in the vault. We blast OE in.

There may be some security guards. Sips, you're going to black out. We all know that. That's fine. No problem, boss. We'll pick you up on the way out. I factored it in. In fact, I'm about to black... All right, get it. Put him in the bag. It's fine. No problem, boss. We'll pick you up on the way out. I factored it in. In fact, I'm about to... All right, get it.

Put him in the bag. It's fine. Just thinking about it. Well, it is a thing that happens, isn't it? To certain animals, those goats, when they get scared and they go rigid and then they just fall over. That's like a survival thing, right? It's so that if something hits them, they survive.

They tense up sort of thing. It's like when they're about to get hit by a car. No, their hearts have something wrong. Yeah. That's apparently the complete opposite though, right? The complete opposite is if you tense up before you're about to get hit by a car or tense up before you're about to fall on the ground, it does a lot more damage than if you're loose and relaxed.

If you're floppy and loose and unconscious and relaxed or you've blacked out, you're much more likely to survive. If you fall from very high, will you splatter? Depends what part of you hits the ground and how. How hard are you falling? Yeah. I mean, pretty high. Let's say like 12 stories.

Well, yeah, that's high enough to reach terminal velocity probably. I think you gain, for every 10 meters you fall, you gain, I i think is it 10 miles an hour i could be wrong all right i i present this to you then guys you fall off a 12-story building okay you're you're a roofer right and you fall off okay do you black out halfway down i don't know i don't know i feel like you do i feel like you'd have a hard time i'm pretty sure you wouldn't black out. Blacking out is a real psychological stressful thing. Bearing in mind, you don't really have- Would you do the dark forces scream on the way down?

Yeah! Like all the way down. God damn it. You're not like a lady in waiting from, you know, Victorian Britain or whatever. No, but the thing is- You're not going to just faint and go woozy at the sight of a you know i'm not saying that but i'm thinking like maybe it's it's a way for me to cope because if i'm ever in a situation where my life is threatened like that i think i'd want a blackout

really so there's no way so you have no chance of escaping i wouldn't want the like the last split second of me like as a person being alive just like hearing like all my bones shatter in my body as i hit the ground after falling like 12 stories and then die but if you're falling that fast first of all you fall a lot quicker than you think like it doesn't take long to fall off a 12-story building like it's very fast right people fall very quickly i don't think you'd have time to register the fact that you've just gone splat like that's it it's just sort of over i don't i wouldn't worry about it honestly like i think then when you're when your soul leaves your your dead body's asshole and flies up to heaven then what i love how you have

this concrete plan in mind it's very reassuring isn't it to have a world where you know that you know if anything bad happens you're gonna black out as soon as you're dead your soul's gonna come out of your asshole is there some way that you can train yourself to you're going to black out. And as soon as you're dead, your soul's going to come out of your asshole. Is there some way that you can train yourself to be more prone to blacking out? I guess you could. Wear a corset that's way too tight and have people say shocking and inportune things around you. Okay, cool. I'll start doing that.

I mean, I'm not talking about just passing out like some sort of PU55Y. I'm talking about having a full-blown manly blackout like in the face of danger. That's awful. There's no action hero's big thing is blacking out at the worst time. Like it's like Arnie busts in there to bust out John Connor and all of a sudden he goes, wait a minute, John Connor. I just got to have sleepy time and just blacks out. He's a robot. Of course he's not going to black out.

Jeez, I'm talking about people. But if it's a good idea, you could program the robot to just shut down for a second. Maybe John Connor could have blacked out. Be like, fuck, is that a robot? Just blacked out. Brilliant. I love a movie where the hero did just black out just in the worst moments. It'd be great.

It'd be really good. Didn't Deadpool black out at one point? Yeah, but under duress. Well, there you go. I don't know. It feels like it should be a defense mechanism against some things. But then again,

you're always told different shit, right? You're always told, you know, with a bear, you know, you don't run away from it, but with some other thing you do, you stand your ground. Which one is which? Well, apparently you have to appear taller than the bear,

which is impossible because bears are fucking tall it depends on the bear some bears you want to play dead other bears like i've heard i've heard that people have had success by charging the bear and appearing aggressive and the bear is like whoa maybe this guy knows something i don't and they'll sort of back on yeah other times i'll just turn and just eat you remember that movie the edge with anthony hopkins and alec baldwin yes they stabbed a bear with a spear that's a way of doing it apparently they hate air horns as well so if you always have an air horn on you or a flare gun too is a very good one or a fucking assault rifle you have to shoot the bear with the flare though like don't shoot it up

in the air like hit him in the face shoot the bear with the flare don't shoot it up in the air. Like, hit him in the face. Shoot the bear with the flare. Don't shoot it in the air. Remember, kids, if you're out in the wilderness, shoot the bear with the flare. Don't shoot it in the air. Be safe out there. It's like the Smokey Bear from 2016. Yo, it's Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Let's get bear safe, bear safe so but the rules are

all different for gorillas and lions and bulls and everything's it's weird i never i never quite know so basically i'm if i get presented with a situation where a wild animal fucking attacks me which is fairly unlikely i said yeah i think i may actually black out from the stress of trying to remember what i'm supposed to fucking do in that situation well there's a lot of things that you need to have in mind at the time that's the thing like animal attacks are complicated and not even big animals like what do you do for squirrels attacking you like you're fucking no you are shitting yourself because they are so unpredictable no what if it's like clawing at your eyes and stuff are you you fucking kidding me? What, are you going to kick yourself in the face trying to kick it? I'm about ready to fucking black out if there's a fucking spider on my hand.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I like fling that thing. Like, geez, it's spooky. Like a squirrel attacking me. No way. What are you talking about? You just grab it and dash its brains out.

What the fuck? You would not. You can't. They're so fast. They're agile. Don't be a PU55Y, Sips. It's a squirrel, man. Look it.

Okay, I'm not saying I wouldn't fight it. I would try my best, but I'm saying I would lose. The danger of a squirrel is it's going to go straight for your nuts as well, P-Flex. You've got to be fucking terrified. Joke's on him. I buried them under a tree. Honestly, they're part of the rodent family. So they have a really strong bite and sharp teeth.

And they have sharp claws. And they can carry rabies. And they are fast and nimble, full of agility. There's no way you're bashing a squirrel's brains in flax. I'm sorry. There's no way. You're never going to get your hands around that thing. They're slippery snakes. you james herbert author of the rats the 1970s book where london

was overrun by a plague of rats you found about exactly as you described and they were biting people and people were like oh they've been by the right and they just collapsed in a sort of hopeless british way because nobody has any guns nobody thinks to get a fucking hammer and just smash all right well you you you tell me you you do a trip report okay you go out in the wilderness British way because nobody has any guns. Nobody thinks to get a fucking hammer and just smash the rats. Well, you tell me. You do a trip report, okay? You go out in the wilderness and you try to fucking bow and arrow a squirrel or shoot one even. And you tell me how that goes.

I've shot a squirrel with an air rifle. I've shot many squirrels with many air rifles. Killed them dead. Were they frenzied at the time? Were they attacking you? They were not frenzied. Right. Okay.

Because they were actually so... Trying to shoot a squirrel that's fucking with an air rifle. When it's like suctioned to your face like the alien thing and it's clawing

your eyes out and it's biting you and all your pressure points are you going to shoot it? Is this some kind of kung fu squirrel? That's how squirrels roll, man.

I'm just saying. When they get mad and they want to get you they're going to get you this is a podcast message for all the squirrels out there who think they can fucking beat flax in a fight

bring it on bitches okay I'm fucking ready I'll take you on I'll take ten of you one at a time squirrels I'll see you down in Phoenix next week and I'm going to put this

to bed oh yeah because I'm the cream of the crop I love the wrestling I imagined you yelling that out of your back door holding a cricket bat in one hand yelling at the trees like a crazy old man squirrels come to me i summon you do battle we shall do battle this day squirrels man there's no way like it's there's

no way i'm sorry like we we joke and stuff but they're they're a fucking menace and they'll get you every time so i just remembered that my dad always used to and this is a thing that i guess it must be from another time when i was growing up my dad always used to keep a cricket bat by by his side of the bed in case of i guess home invasion or squirrel attack or something yeah so man okay again sorry sorry to interrupt you go ahead you're sleeping okay you you hear you hear some noise downstairs you're you're fucking 100 positive somebody's broken into your house do you black out i just go back to sleep you are already asleep basically you just You just get your wine. Oh, go check, please.

Here's the cricket bat. Good luck. Okay, sorry. No, I'm just thinking like, you know, it's so, I guess I hadn't really thought about that. Sometimes stuff comes to you though, right? When you sort of talk around stuff and you're like, yeah, I never really asked about that.

I never really wondered why that was. And I guess it's because, you know, that's just maybe people do. I've got a story for you about being too curious and regretting it after are you ready yeah sounds sexy we went to my friend mike's house one time okay mike had a younger brother a portly chap i say portly he was really enormous okay he's a he's a big kid really like ate way too many ding-dongs and twinkies and stuff and just had a problem, okay? And this guy, when he went to the bathroom, okay, he was in there for a long time and the smell that came out of there after he was done was not nice, okay? So we're at Mike's house. And a vegetarian so you know what well yeah

but you know you know it's bad when you're a kid and you find that kind of stuff kind of funny and like i was repulsed as a kid right by this okay so it was pretty bad so we're at mike's house one time we're just like you know playing nintendo and doing kid stuff or whatever and um i went to the bathroom he had like a basement bathroom his basement was finished and stuff you know had a bathroom down there yeah it's like a basement sink yeah His basement was finished and stuff, you know, had a bathroom down there. Yeah, it's like a basement sink. Yeah, yeah. We've been through this.

No, it didn't. The sink's always like in the sort of utility part of the finished basement. There's always an unfinished part of the basement that that sink is in, in North America. And then you have like the nice finished part, which is like a second living room. And then you have, you know, a bathroom down there. Was this some sort of bomb shelter you're describing now? No, no, no. This is a very typical setup in north america for houses with basements it was a doomsday

shelter in case the squirrels invaded it you know you say that but a lot of people do buy stuff in bulk in america as well and in their basement they'll have lots of shelves with like big industrial size vats of ketchup and stuff that That's a pretty typical thing to do. Anyway, so I go to the bathroom, okay? And I do my thing. You know, it's just a normal bathroom, all the normal stuff you'd expect, except there's a screwdriver on top of the toilet.

And, you know, normally I'd just be like, whatever, you know, it's probably there because, you know, it's broken, maybe the toilet's broken, maybe somebody was in the middle of fixing it, they left the screwdriver there, whatever. And I'm just like thinking, ah, who cares, you you know and then curiosity got the best of me okay i get out i see mike i'm like mike why is there a fucking screwdriver on your toilet and like i didn't even think too hard about it you know i didn't look into it or whatever it was just a question yeah it's just a throwaway question you were not expecting i was not expecting this response he's like did you touch, it's just a throwaway question. You were not expecting. I was not expecting this response.

He's like, did you touch it? It's like, no. Why would I touch a screwdriver? He's like, don't touch that screwdriver. Why? And then all of a sudden I'm like, whoa, what's going on here? He's like, well, you know, my brother and you know, like his problems with shitting and stuff. Oh my God.

Yeah. It's like, well, sometimes his shits are so big he has to chop them up with a screwdriver to flush them down. Oh yeah. Yeah, there it is. And I'm like mike and then i blacked out i don't remember the rest man it was it was one of those times where it was like why why did i even i didn't i should have left it alone sometimes i should have just left it these moments in life where you ask this question it's a throwaway you don't even think what you're doing and someone thinks you're asking something serious and they go and they they sort of they

are their eyes glazed over like should i tell him and you at that moment you sort of realize oh god what if i've you're you're not even sure what you've done and then they tell you something like you know your your mother was actually from lebanon and you were you know you weren't actually born here you're a war refugee and you're like whoa whoa whoa all i asked were, you know, you weren't actually born here. You were a war refugee. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All I asked was like, you know, why I like falafel so much. Why do I have this propensity to eat falafel all the time?

I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense to me. But then you're in a plane, right? You're flying. The wing snaps off. You never questioned it before. And just before you're about to blackout, you're like, flying the wing snaps off you never questioned it before and just before you're about to black out you're like you have an epiphany and you're like shit that's what the

screwdriver was for it was for chopping up big shit then you black out are you thinking like in the same sense though you're thinking like um is that when you put together these things in your head and it's like the emergence it's like in a in a spy movie or whatever where yeah he he suddenly everything comes together and he all those little bits of snippets you've seen from early in the film all like you know it's almost like snapshots of them it's like yeah i saw a guy with a dog and the dog had a pouch around his neck and that pouch had had gas leaking from it you know it's like yeah i mean it all comes together yeah yeah maybe it's like the like maybe maybe it's like the effect of adrenaline or whatever makes you a really good problem solver no you know what i would love it if sips later on we're just he's lying in bed he's doing

like the sherlock mind palace thing and he's thinking big fat guy hopes interview giant poop pose interview then the screwdriver's there and he's like like, I've got it! I would love to see Sherlock investigate Mike's house, and then come across the screwdriver and do typical detective stuff, like touch it, and maybe lick it, you know, because they do sometimes. Like, is there a substance on here?

Let me lick it. Tastes a bit like shit. I mean, when you were telling that story, I was like, I was thinking the worst. I was like, oh my God, has he put it up his ass? I didn't know what, I didn't know what, like where this was going. And when he finally told me, I was like, oh, that actually really does make sense. And I didn't, I couldn't figure that out.

Yeah, it was like a, it was, it was like a, like a, you know, a flathead screwdriver too. It wasn't like a Phillips. So like, you know so better for chopping. Yeah. Which I thought was pretty clever for a kid to pick that one. Yeah. Jesus. So, I mean, in the case, do you guys ever plan for disaster, like an emergency?

Yeah, yeah, all the time. Like a home invasion. So what's your hope? Do you think, do you ever, because it's the classic thing of like, it the horror movie thing of oh there's someone invading my home you know what would i do would i go and grab this knife and would i go to the door have you oh have you ever grabbed a knife and gone i have yeah many times many times have you yeah i mean really yeah like many many times really i yeah i've got kids well you live in london i guess i mean a yeah that b like london if you look at a map of

the likelihood of being burgled most of the work most of the country is like green right as in really low chance the whole of london is like yellow at least so you're pretty much odds on that you're going to get broken into at some point if you live in london have you ever actually been broken into i haven't okay i i changed my tack? So my tack used to be that, you know, when I was a teenager, certainly, and when I was, I don't know, just different when I was younger, I think there were a couple of times when I was alone in the house and the doorbell would ring and I'd be like, oh, who's this? And it would be like some spooky looking guy.

No, no, no. And so I'd like get a knife out of the kitchen drawer and be like, oh, if he comes in, I'll get him, you know, or whatever. I don't think that that's a good tactic. But now my tactic is very different. My tactic now is basically just slam the door open to anyone who comes knocking around for anything, regardless of what I'm wearing at the time.

I get a knock on the door of my flat. I had this happen recently, and I was just wearing a pair of pants, that's all. i was just like bam and i opened i was like hey what's up and i was i was i was only wearing a pair that's that's a good tactic and they were just like shocked they were like whoa whoa uh does this person live here and i'm like nope and then i closed the door in their face that's good you know what i'd go one further i come from the overconfidence i come from the eddie murphy school of uh of thought on this one and i i feel like if you're presented with

a situation where somebody's being aggressive or crazy you just have to be more crazy than them for them to back off right so if i heard somebody breaking into my house i wouldn't like go get a knife or anything like that you know what i would do do? The first thing I would do, I would take all of my clothes off. I would poo in my hand and then I would spread it on my body. And then I would stand downstairs in the dark, all wide eyed and wait for them to like notice me or turn a light on. And then when they turn the light on, I'd be like, you've arrived. And then they would scare them away. I'd just get Mike's poopy screwdriver is what I'd weighed in with.

Oh, poopy screwdriver. If you stabbed somebody with that, do you think they would be corrupted or like some fel? Corrupted. Because of what the screwdrivers were used for. You know, it's got like germs on it. You would like stab them.

They'd be like, oh shit, I've been stabbed. I run away. And then like five days later, they would die because they would be infected with like you know a shit screwdriver sort of thing it's like a damage over time effect well you say that but

i think that when you look when you look at how gross a screwdriver is right when you look at how that's been used to chop up poop in the toilet it's that it's probably like because they were they were talking about the amount of like poop bacteria and stuff on everyday things. And apparently mobile phones and mice and keyboard are the worst. They are the most disgusting because, you know, everyone uses their phone on the toilet. They just, they don't, you know, it's not like they wash their phone ever, you know, properly. They maybe wipe it down with like underpants or whatever. Apparently the phones, iPods, don't use other people, don't use other people don't touch them don't use them they are super super gross most

of them are locked and passworded anyway so you can't use them like most people don't want you on their stuff on their stuff no they don't no absolutely they've got a lot of personal things on there they don't want you to look at their browsing history for sure this was another emergency home invasion situation right so it's a classic thing of, I saw it on South Park, actually, this week, one of the new episodes. But I won't spoil it. Basically, there's this bit where, you know, he goes through the process of cleaning out his browser history. He goes through this whole process of, oh, shit, I need to clear everything, all of my browsing history. I need to destroy the

computer and throw it in the river like do you have that kind of do you have that mindset do you ever think like oh my god what if the police come and say oh we found out that you pirated these these movies like a year ago you pirate this game of thrones like and you're like oh what well uh quick delete everything like burn it like do you have that emergency desire? No, because you know what would happen though? Like they're not after you really. They want to get the big guy. They want to get the guy who's serving the stuff up in the first place.

No, but it's like getting the mafia on tax evasion, those sips, you know. They're thinking, oh, this sips, he's a filth bag. You pirated an illegal copy of For hump and shaving ryan's privates and the guys that are coming to your house to to bust you for these things are like yeah you know what you're in trouble but if you tell us where you got it from and you can like give us some information on the guy that served you forest hump and shaving ryan's privates um you know we'll be lenient on you you You know, because you don't want to go to jail for that.

If somebody finds out you're in jail for that, you're dead, pretty much. Like, they're not, you know, you're going to get jugged.

For watching a fairly tame porno. You're going to get jugged every day. Because you've got to be, you have to be in jail for like a good reason. Okay?

And like, just for some PU5Y shit like that. Inequal talents! The other prisoners will be like, you wouldn't steal a car like I did. Why are you stealing a movie?

You wouldn't steal a policeman's hat. And then just take a shit in it. All right, boys. Jug them. Jug them. Bits of jugging. Oh, man. So Civ VI, we've been playing a lot of it.

It's great. I really enjoyed it. I'm still playing a lot of WoW, too. Did some raids. Do you enjoy raiding? joy raiding yeah i do actually it's fun mythic plus is great too man i think you'd actually really like it i'm sad that you i've got my scott i managed to get well i went to ejx and um i was like presented with this situation of having to like before ejx i was like do you want to do all of these i i don't know. I read this really long article by, I think, Richard Garfield, I think his name is, who made Magic the Gathering.

Is that his name? The only Garfield I know is the one that loves lasagna. Richard Garfield, yeah. So he designed Magic the Gathering back in the day, and he wrote this really interesting article, which I read online, about Skin Aware, it's called, where basically it talks about what he calls Skin Aware is a lot of these

freemium games that are uncapped and their whole business model relies on exploiting the one to two percent of their player base who are what they call whales, like in the poker terminology, you know, these people who end up losing or spending way, way, way more than they can afford. And these people are not wealthy. When you look at the people who end up spending tens of thousands of pounds on iOS games, it's people who don't have that kind of money. And these games are very addictive.

They're very exploitative. I think it's the way he wrote a really interesting article about it. You can Google it if you want. But it really sort of was very much about how we end up having to pay a lot for a game. And he draws attention to some of the games like League of Legends and Hearthstone, which are very addictive. And you do have to pay a couple of hundred pounds to be competitive in these games. I mean, you can get all the cards eventually anyway.

To be fair, League of Legends, you don't. It's all cosmetic. I started to find that some of the things in WoW were getting their hooks into me in a way that I was uncomfortable with with things like you have to do these quests before they time out you have to do these things to get this thing you know you have to keep logging in every day to check for the new things so you don't miss out on getting something that could be really good I felt like I felt like it was exploitative and I I was frustrated by it, so I thought, I'm done.

I'm not going to play a game I consider to be exploiting my psychological personality traits. Yeah, so there you go. Unhappy with that. So, yeah, I enjoyed WoW. I had a good time going through the story, but I'm not going to play it anymore. Hey, do you want me to lighten the mood?

Yeah, I do, yeah. Go ahead'm sorry there's like a serious suddenly i suddenly felt like i would get to a serious segment are you ready are you ready for part part tres are you ready oh yes get ready get comfortable hang on hold on let me just move the mic down a bit i'm gonna recline a little okay yeah okay this time i'm not going to try to think about other shows while you're doing i'm to actually listen and pay attention. Okay, go. This is reasonably long compared to previous. It's two pages. Oh, man.

Okay, great. Holy shit. Man, you're getting into this. Lewis has got some stiff competition. Let me just sit comfortably. All right, you ready? I'm stiff right now, though. Oh, me too.

Bodega, part Tress or Trey. I don't know how you say it. Tress. Bodega peered once more through the quadnoculars. Five hours he'd been watching the pulsar sex pit, and the only thing suspicious was that he couldn't find anything wrong. This wasn't right. The pit was a legendary hangout for every lad, slinger, and roid runner in the galaxy.

Most of what could loosely be termed his compadres used this very spot to reminisce, catch up, and do business. This time it was different. It was Herc Burke's Burke Day, a very special day for the Burkean people when they celebrated the day they were born. Bodega wondered why, in his experience, humans never celebrated this occasion, but he didn't give a flying crump for it himself. Flirve it, he muttered, firing up the tear cycle and zipping down to the pit.

He couldn't pass up the chance to see everybody, even if it did feel suspiciously innocent. Too innocent. Like, way too innocent. 100% chance shit was going down here for that very reason. Guaranteed. 100%. Parking up, he ran a quick mental sit-rep. Laz gun?

Cocked and loaded, naturally. Jet pack? Ready to rock. Scram boots? Pumped to the max. Grabby grabby? Spring wound tighter than a Spalupian's love the max Grabby grabby Spring wound tighter than a Spalloopian's love pouch

Grabby grabby Hang on a second, just read that sentence again Go through this adventure again One of the comments I did read Was that you need to like Take it a little bit more slowly so you can digest Because it's complicated, when you're reading Do you know what, it's so hard to

Pay attention to the gobbledygook and the actual story. Okay. It's not gobbledygook. It's law. It's law. Okay. Lazgun, cocked and ready, naturally.

Jetpack, ready to rock. Scram boots, pumped to the max. Grabby grabby, spring wound, tighter than a Spalupian's love pouch. Shrovian knuckle duster, eager to do business with some chump's speak hole. There were more tricks up his sleeve, but Bodega

was reluctant to even think about them till the time came in case some sneaky empath was trying to get the drop on him. He took a deep breath and banged on the Quintanium door. Farve off, said a voice from the other side. Bodega, said Bodega. A moment passed, then the door sprang open.

Bodega, said Bodega. It sounds like the guy in Star Wars, the guy that works at Jabba's Palace. Yes. Bodega. The one on the anchor here. And a gigantic Vicar was in the frame, grinning like a woodle hound.

Sweet groggle. Bodega, he boomed. Come on in, pod. Not seen you for a while. Heh, been busy. Where's the

Birkday Birk? Down in the pit. And I mean, in the pit, said the Vicar, grinning even more. If his grin extended any further, he was in danger of losing an ear. Bodega mean in the pit, said the Vicar, grinning even more. If his grin extended any further, he was in danger of losing an ear. Bodega headed down the dank corridor into the lobby, then descended a ramp towards the deafening sound of the pulsar sex pit in full flow.

Music with so much bass, it was causing the planet's orbit to decay. Booze so strong, the toilets had to be reinforced with giga shields. And women so betitted, The toilets had to be reinforced with giga shields and women so betitted bodega had to wear Had to wear Quintanilla jockstrap to prevent any inconvenience. Oh my God. No man wants to fight with a bone on. Or at least not one that ain't squared away combat style. It's a bone on an alien race. No, a bone on a boner.

He headed straight for the bar and ordered a pint of Moutard Ale. No sooner had he started talking than Bodega! screamed the man over the music, which the DJ promptly stopped. Silence in the pit. All eyes on Bodega. Pushing through the crowd, a huge Berkeyan approached. Bodega. Been a while. Not seen you since... maybe two weeks ago. Been working. Came back to wish you a happy Berkday, Herc Berk. Well, well, well, well, Bodega, back in the pit, said Herc Berk, grinning. People sure were smiling a lot, thought Bodega. back in the pit, said Herc Berk, grinning. People sure were smiling a lot, thought Bodega. Too much. Too, too much smiling.

Ain't no call for all this grinning and smiling. It ain't usual. We were hoping you'd come back. Me, Squiddles, Rhombus, Treg, and, uh, you remember this guy, right? A huge man in a yellow jumpsuit stepped forward. Black skull mask and billowing red cape. Bodega couldn't see his face behind the mask, but he knew he'd be smiling like the rest of these hum-funkers. Fluff.

It was a setup. The man in yellow, it was none other than Tan Blatchman, Bodega's arch nemesis. Oh my God. Not Tan Blatchman. Shit was about to get extremely real in this place and many, many people were about to be separated

from the body parts they held most dear. Bodega intended to get out of in this place and many, many people were about to be separated from the body parts they held most dear. Bodega intended to get out of this in one piece, and if that meant the end of the pulsar sex pit and everybody in it or even within sight of it, so be it. Bodega knew three things had to happen with the next second or he'd be toast. First,

he had to distract every single person in here who was currently pointing a gun at him. The pit was full, so that was maybe 200 people. No problem. He stamped down on the button in the heel of his right boot, and waves of patented happy thoughts brain musher poured out of the toe and blasted everybody within 50 metres. Half of the wind ended up on the floor drooling. The other half would become deeply acquainted with the inside of their own eyelids

and spend the next year singing a song about a little flea named Peter. Second, he needed to nail the people unaffected by the Brain Musher, which was anyone with half an idea about Bodega and what he was capable of, since they would have taken a dose of Brain Shield. That meant the five morons who'd set this whole thing up. Lazgun holstered and no time to draw it, he needed subplans to point to named B, C and D. Plan B was to employ the Grabby Grabby and Herc Burke's nuts, which he did to good effect. The Grabby Grabby shot out of Bodega's left sleeve and clamped on like a grog limpet,

sending Herc Burke to his knees, eyes wide and mouth small. Plan C, Squittles, Rhombus, and Treg all fell to the void grenade Bodega had hidden in a molar tooth and spat into the middle of them, congealing their bodies instantly into one homogenous lump. Finally, plan D. Deal with Blatchman. No doubt he'd got something disgusting up his sleeve, that cape-wearing, jumpsuit-adorned Pendejo shitbird. Bodega figured one thing he wasn't ready for was an old-fashioned punch in the kisser. Scram boots propelling him across the room.

He connected with Blatchman's jaw with all the fury of a man invited to a birthday party only to be betrayed. Wait, was the grabby grab still attached? No, no, it just shoots out. Okay. And thirdly, the entire bar on its ass, one way or another, Bodega did the decent thing and left. Lasgun out.

He seared a hole in the ceiling and jet-packed gracefully to a height of 200 meters before hovering, setting wide-angle beam on the lasgun, and raising the entire plate and everyone in it to the ground. Farve, he said, pausing for a heartbeat. My tear cycle was parked there. The end. Oh my god.

Shit, so he killed everyone, but he wrecked his bike. Yeah, forgot about his bike. Oh, that was a fantastic... See, the grabby grab, I assumed that it was like attached to something. You don't want to be left there with a grabby grab. No, but I thought it was like one of those, you know, those like kid robot arm things with the trigger that like makes it pinch sort of thing. But it was like attached to his pants or something. I'm pretty sure that he could, if needed, fire it out with like a line attached if he actually had to pull something to him. Oh, and then the line just breaks off, sort of thing.

I mean, it's Bodega. He's got a million tricks up his sleeve. One of them is the deployable grabby grabby that just clamps onto some guy's nut. Pretty nice. It was a magnificent tale. So did it turn out that they were just... Were they not... I thought there would be something like... I thought they were going to be doing the surprise birthday

herp day for him. No, no, it wasn't his birthday. It wasn't even a twist. No, it was just an ambush. And he killed everyone. Man, if there is a soundtrack to this, like if it ever becomes a movie, we have to get like spaghetti Western style music in there. Oh, you know it.

Like for sure. Someone sent me on Twitter, someone sent me a sting that we could use for the bodega stories oh nice does it fit it's amazing i'm thinking star star star wars kind of themed vibes though that's what i'm getting out of this a lot of time i feel like if we animated this and had it narrated and then just had somebody like do the voice of bodega and all bodega ever says is bodega that would be pretty funny too bodega bodega bodega yeah that was great i think part three has been my favorite so far i love a big i i like a big multi sort of takedown scenario oh yeah where there's like

four or five dudes gonna get out of that you know yeah he's pretty pretty easy yeah but what's gonna happen part four i you know what i don't want to jinx it and i don't want to like wreck it but i would like to see bodega struggle with something well i've already written part four okay great okay is there a struggle involved do that next week kind of yeah listen you can't be like a fan and like request stuff you know yeah ition's an artist. He can't just go in there, Sips, and say, do you know what I'd like?

I'd like it if my Superman fought with Iron Man and Batman. Can we make that happen? You can't just say that. He's got dignity and artistic credibility. Let me tell you something. There is a Bodega fanfic subreddit. I'm not even kidding.

Someone set one up. All I get sent now on Twitter Let me tell you something. There is a Bodega fanfic subreddit. Okay. I'm not even kidding. Wow. Someone set one up. And all I get sent now on Twitter is drawings of Bodega, fiction that people have written set in the Bodega universe. Man, this is exactly like Orange is the New Black when Susan writes that fucking, that steamy romance. Perhaps not as culturally relevant, but yeah. I mean, and then. What's that steamy romance called? Claudio Heat. What was it called? Claudio Heat. Yeah, that steamy romance called? Claudio Heat.

What was it called? Claudio Heat. Yeah, no, what was it? It was Heat. Was it like... Bodega Nights. Tallahassee Heat or something. Yeah, Sunset.

Bodega Nights. This guy wrote an aftermath to part one, part uno. So it was like what happened in the bar after bodega had gone which was quite good and what he didn't kill one of the guys and the guy that he didn't kill tortured uh floop the barman to find out where bodega went and that kind of sets up imagine imagine it was called bodega heat and heat was an acronym but then that the words for for the for the heat acronym were just like the gobbledygook words. Like, bodega heat, H.E.A.T. Harflarg, Earflurg.

Arpatarp Tarug. Tarflung Flarkin. Yeah. Oh, that'd be good. Holy shit. Yeah. That was amazing. Anyway anyway let's end on a high shall we wow well next week we'll be back hopefully with another episode of bodega another uh load of fluff for the best part of 45 minutes and maybe some serious serious topic interested to hear your thoughts on all this i hope you don't eat while you listen to these because i noticed a

couple of people saying why do I always sit down and eat before I listen to this? Just don't do it. We're always going to talk about shit at some point. That's my favorite topic. Yeah, different. All right.

Well, thank you everyone. See you next time. Cheers. Bye. Goodbye.