Triforce! - Triforce! #245: The Saddest Kazoo in the World

Episode Date: February 1, 2023

Triforce! Episode 245! We get an update from our Prison Pen Pal, Lewis' mum has a slip on an icy manhole and we cover some crazy news from the last few weeks! Go to http://expressvpn.com/triforce today and get an extra 3 months free on a 1-year package! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon: https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickaxe We're back! We are back. Welcome Sips. Welcome Pyrrhon. Hello. Thanks so much. Welcome everyone who's listening. Hope everything's going amazing. Oh yeah. Where you are. Hope all of your cupboards are filled with food. And your wardrobes are filled with clothes. Yeah, well, I mean, for the most part, yes. Okay. Unconventional wishes, but... But yeah, I just want everyone to be cozy and happy. Oh, good.

I want everyone to be feeling good. Thanks for that. Thanks for... You're welcome. Thanks for looking out for us. That's real nice of you. That's my job. Real nice. I'm younger than you guys, but... I do sometimes feel like...

You're not as full? I'm looking out for my elderly mother, you know? Oh, I see. You're not as bold. I want to make sure that, you know, they're not going to fall over or, you know, they're not too cold. Us? Mm-hmm. You think we're likely to fall over?

Intriguingly, I did almost fall over in the shower today. Really? Yeah. Yes. that's a nasty one if it happens it is i went to step in it was that moment when you're you're stepping from the floor into the shower so you have one foot in the shower one foot on the floor and my foot that was going in the shower just went and went flying and luckily i was able to catch myself but i'm thinking crikey how much longer will i be able to catch myself and how much time is left well this is exactly what happened to me just now on the way in well you almost fell over

it's very icy out it's very frosty yeah and I just my foot just went straight out and I was like doing that thing where you were like dancing falling outside what can you do but Flax if you're falling in the shower or thinking about falling in the shower again you might need to get one of those cords like those

first alert cords that you can pull you know like i fall in and i can't get up that one of those ones what i could do is just tie a long piece of string to mrs f's ankle when i go downstairs to the shower and if there's a problem i'll just tug on it because she's she's working from home so i could just tie a piece of thread to her so i was walking down the park street with my parents the other day okay weekend so it's cold very frosty yeah and i'm walking side by side with my mother and um and we're having just chatting about stuff you know and she um she's she must be coming up to 70 i'm not i shouldn't really be saying that but she's she's on, right? Right. But she's quite fit. She's quite fine.

It's fine. She's full of it. She's full of it. Is she butch? No, but I'll tell you why. I always picture your mom to be that one from Orange is the New Black, the one that does herself with the screwdriver. You don't see it happening.

She's got like the crew cut and stuff. Is that what your mom looks like? Not quite, no. No. She's not. She's got like the crew cut and stuff. Is that what your mom looks like? Not quite. No. She's got... Is she very sexually charged? Is she more like crazy eyes? Is it crazy eyes? She's more like crazy eyes.

Yeah, actually. By the way, Chris, I always thought that crazy eyes must have been modeled on like old dirty bastard. Did you think that? A little bit, yeah. So we're walking down past me and Chris, I always thought that Crazy Eyes must have been modelled on, like, Old Dirty Bastard. Did you think that? Yeah. A little bit. Yeah, yeah. Sorry. No, really.

So, we're walking down Pastry, and there's, like, this massive... One of those metal, like, hatches, you know, in the pavement, right? Which, obviously... Do you mean a manhole? Manhole. But, like, it's a big rectangular one. Anyway, my mum... Personhole.

Sorry, personhole. Yeah, I can't see it. My mum steps on this thing and just slips straight out and like onto her butt right right like straight down beautiful butt yeah okay um and i'm like oh god are you okay but because what but she actually fell like kind of with one leg under her so like one leg went out but one leg went down so she sort of half fell like the hockey goalie splits yeah like like kind of like yeah not like not like um it wasn't like directly back she didn't fall backwards she sort of felt like directly down right and then like like kind of caught herself under her other

leg anyway uh she was like like flat on the floor and because she just like from my point of view just disappeared i turned around and i was like, oh, are you okay? Okay. So I was sort of just checking that she wasn't, like, hurt, like, hadn't broken her ankle or, like, wasn't actually, like, because she was obviously dazed. Right. And two people behind us, okay, were walking down. Were they just filming it for a TikTok? No, they didn't skip a beat, right?

They, I don't even know who it was. They just grabbed my mother, one on each shoulder, and pulled her to her feet, and just plonked her back down on her feet, okay? And then they walked straight on. And it was so quick that it happened, okay? And her bag was gone, and her phone was gone.

Is that the... No. Obviously, she was like, oh, thank you, like this. And they looked at you. No problem. Thanks for the help, Lewis. Yeah, exactly. As if I was...

No, no, no. They didn't say it at the time. It'll be in the next mailbag. The other day, I saw Lewis and his mother walking down the street. Well, here you go, bozo. I'm unsubscribing because you didn't help your mom up it'll be something like that right he said he couldn't help her up because it was a tax issue fucking hell man oh man speaking of old uh mailbag references and stuff i have a I have an update do you remember and listeners I hope you do too

a lad who was in prison the emailed us he was from prison yes it's a to pique your interest and remind you he said he mentioned having an Xbox in prison and we were like my Xbox 360 and he told us about the limits on the various games that you can have yes yeah so here's an update from him I'm just gonna read this verbatim. I am still in prison, which I think is a great opening to an email. Well, I mean, I'd imagine you would be. I'm very sorry, yes, but it's just the way he just said, I am still in prison. I think that's how you open an email.

And I have answers to the questions you asked in the order you asked them. I've kept it as short as I could. So these are our questions. I don't remember asking these questions, but these are the ones we asked. Did you have a trial was one of the questions we asked. No, I did what I was accused of, so I pled guilty. All right. Unlike in the US, the UK doesn't have plea bargaining

where lawyers decide between them what the ultimate charge and sentence should be. Here in the UK, the earlier you go guilty, the more time you save the courts and the victims so the judges will apply a discount to your sentence. So this guy got 33% off his sentence as he went guilty as early as possible. And he said that there's no time off for good behavior in the UK. That's it. Is it the done thing to talk to other inmates about what they're in for? Everyone talks about what they're in for.

Unlike what you see on TV, most people will openly admit their guilt in prison. Those in for crimes that would get them attacked get housed in a VP wing, which is a vulnerable person, referred to as the nonce wing. VPs end up getting attacked there anyway,

as even on a nonce wing there's a hierarchy. Most attacks I've seen aren't offense related, but come from what he calls the three d's debt drugs and disrespect yes right yeah you have to be a respect you have to respect yeah and you cannot be in debt and you cannot do drugs either indeed given that you're in an open prison is there any violence and are there still a few nutters about he says there's very little violence

in open prisons compared to closed prisons in closed i would witness fights almost every day i've seen multiple juggings they are not fun no most most people in open conditions don't want to lose being able to see their families want them once a month so they behave that said people do get sent back to closed conditions if they break the rules but 99 of the time it's because they've been caught with contraband. Right, right. And what's that? Mobile phone? Drugs.

Drugs. It's just stuff you're not allowed to have. Yeah, I'm thinking of all the stuff you find on the prisoners in Prison Architect. Yes. Yeah, all those things. All the contraband. A syringe, a dagger, a hammer. A vial of poison.

Yeah, a vial of poison. How do you think, I think this must have been, I'm going to guess this was Lewis's question. How do you think wearing a kimono full-time would go down for you personally? He says, unfortunately, there's a policy that dictates what you're allowed to wear and kimonos are on the banned list.

Right. Alongside things like football shirts and clothes that would let you appear as if you're an officer. For example, a white shirt, black trousers trousers and so no kimonos for us well i think the kimono would be unfair because like if you're talking about hierarchies and stuff as well i figure whoever's wearing the kimono has the balls to wear the kimono in the first place so they must be pretty high up and in charge most i mean they're pretty it's a pretty open garment so you would definitely

be able to see it is like a villain garment as well, though, right? It is a little villainous. You are pretty much announcing to the world that you are a villain because you're wearing the kimono. And in jail, maybe people see that as like the ultimate flex, you know? Yeah.

So that's probably why they had to be banned. It makes sense, honestly. I think that makes sense. Do you get to choose what to wear? You have to wear prison-issue clothes if you're on basic, which is the behavioral categories are basic, standard, and enhanced. But if you're standard or enhanced, you can wear clothes you brought in with you or that you've purchased through a prison clothes supplier.

Tracksuits and trainers are prison currency in closed conditions, not so much in open. Right. What country are you in and what level of prison? I'm in England in a DCAT open prison. Prison categories go from AA, which is the most violent and publicly recognisable criminals, to A, which is high security,

B, which is local dispersal and remand prisoners, and C is the majority of prisoners, and D is open conditions. So he's in a DCAT. Right. What jobs are you forced to do? No one is forced to work, but if you want to maintain enhanced status and get the most benefits,

like being allowed an Xbox 360, you need to be employed. In open conditions, you're able to work outside of the prison in manual labor or production line jobs. A friend of mine works in a duck processing factory, for example. Wow. Wages for in-prison jobs like cleaners and education orderly orderlies are 20 pounds a week yeah it's not a lot no it's like two packs of smokes like right it's nothing external jobs are paid at National minimum wage but are taxed heavily and what is the food like oh my God food is much better in open

conditions than it is enclosed most people in clothes get food poisoning and i don't miss the questionable rice puddings or rat droppings in the spaghetti twice in one week most prison kitchen budgets are tiny they get less than two pounds per prisoner per day to cover three meals to cover three meals uh that's shocking that's absolutely shocking well it's pretty shocking but thank you for the Mr. Decap prisoner. I'm not going to say your name. I can't remember if I did last time. I'm going to avoid it just in case.

Yeah, no. If we have any more questions, we should shout them out. We can shout it. Man, it's interesting stuff, isn't it? It is. Fascinating and terrifying. It's terrifying. Yeah, I would never want to go to jail.

And luckily, i don't regularly break the law either and uh it's not uh it's legal tax avoidance where i live okay it's not uh against the law so don't even think about coming at me with that one there's no way i'm going to jail and if i'm going to jail put me in one of those open ones they sound a little bit better than the other ones yeah actually that's a question can you do can you ever just go straight to open which they always send you to dcat or to ccat or somewhere else see how you are and then let you out if you're if you're a good that's one question i don't know actually i know in america they have like put together another list of questions maybe this can be a regular thing we have so many prison questions

you know i mean the dude's got a lot of time on his hands, so we could just... He does, yeah. Yeah, we'll put the questions together. You got like a prison pen pal. Yeah, yeah. Prison pen pal. Yeah. One of us is going to end up trying to marry you. I'm going to marry him, yeah, because I'm so intrigued by this, and actually the whole thing just really does it for me.

I like a bad boy, I've got to say. I love a bad boy, me too. You know. Nice. You do. Nice. A good update. Great update. Thank you very much. Yeah, I've got to say. I love a bad boy, me too. You know. Nice. You do. Nice. A good update. Great update. Thank you very much. I thought that would be good. I wanted to read that one out because it's interesting.

I hadn't thought about it, honestly, since the last time. But when you mentioned it, I was like, yeah, this is something I could definitely listen to for five minutes. So thank you very much. Good. Thanks for that. You're welcome. It's good. That was really nice.

So my mom was fine, by the way. She does yoga, my mom. Oh for that. You're welcome. It's good. That was really nice. So my mom was fine, by the way. She does yoga, my mom. Oh, sorry. Oh, yeah. Sorry, back to your mom. She's been a yoga teacher for a long time, so like falling. So she's probably familiar with those moves. I think she honestly, if I'd fallen, I think I probably would have been more injured than she was from falling over on the ground.

Yeah. For real. We went ice skating a few years ago. And I used to ice skate a lot when I was a young man. Go to the ice rink. Anyone in Bournemouth that's old will remember the old ice rink in Bournemouth. I thought you were going to say that anyone who's older will remember seeing me at the ice rink.

There I was every weekend. I'd go down there with... It's him. No, it was on westover road in uh in bournemouth um they spoke about turning it into a mega nightclub for a long time but it's just been empty for fucking decades as far as i can tell if they've done something with it go ahead and let me know nice but um i go ice skating all the time and there would be a point where everyone you know the way if you go to the ice rink everybody's just skating around in a circle

and holding hands and chatting it was mainly a a way for people to flirt with each other and for people to go somewhere on a date and all the rest of it. I get it. And for the youngest of us it was just a chance to skate around because it was fun. And they would have a period every sort of hour where it was like fast people only on the ice. So all the young

lads would just fucking go absolutely as fast as they could. Because obviously when the ice is busy you can't really build up a head of steam. You have to skate at the pace of everybody else. Otherwise, it's going to be an accident. So they would put on some dance music, change the lighting a bit, and you'd zoom around as fast as you could.

I used to love that. I rarely fell over. I really liked ice skating. But we went a couple of years ago, maybe four years ago? Yeah. One minute on the ice ice and i had a massive fall and i came down so hard on my back i felt awful and the kids were like oh my god daddy fell over you lost your ice it's dangerous i just hadn't done it in such a long time yeah it was

so bad but oh my god it fucking hurts i'd forgotten how hard you come down on the ice i literally did the cartoon pratfall where i went up in the air a bit and then came back down. It was fucking horrible. Yeah, you kicked your legs out and were like, oh, fuck. Yeah, I could see that exact shit happening as well to me. I went ice skating occasionally, and I think if I went now, I would just be so scared.

I'd be like one of those people you see leaned over with your hands, each other, touch the ice, you know, like, like crouched over like a gorilla. Like that, that crouching arms out maneuver as well on the, on the ice skates.

Don't you? You can get the penguin. They have the penguin for little kids to hold onto. It's like a little penguin. It's about, it comes up to it for us. It would come up to about just above our knees, I guess,

but for little kids, it's just the right height. And they, it's like a big plastic penguin with ice skates, but it's heavy. And they hold on to it and shuffle along to get used to the idea. I think that was quite good. It kind of reminded me of my kids. You wouldn't see that at a hockey game, though, would you?

No. The goalie is coming out here with one of those support penguins. He must be new. He's a transfer from soccer, so he's a little bit unsteady on the ice yeah um when my kids uh obviously they can both ride a bike but my youngest just wasn't taking to it i couldn't figure it out um the eldest she she sort of took to a little better i mean my youngest is a bit more cautious um and so she wasn't willing to just push off and go for it. Whereas my youngest is like, let's go for it. I think those little balance spikes

that you can get kids, which is just a bike, which is like no motor at all. It's just a wooden bike or even just, I guess it's not always just wooden, but I've only seen the wooden ones. You just go along on it with your legs. You just push yourself along, but it gets them used to the idea of steering and balancing. Sure, yeah. And being on the bike. So I took her to these bike lessons. It was a one-time lesson. One lesson, guaranteed success. Right.

And we went, dropped her off. A couple of hours later, come back, she's riding the bike around with all these other kids who couldn't do it either. Oh, fantastic. Guaranteed success. Wow. All your money back. My, well, not my youngest anymore, but my middle daughter, when she was learning how to ride her bike,

we thought, oh, we're going to have to get her training wheels and stuff like that. She just hopped on her bike and went. Because she's just trying to keep up with my son all the time, right? Right, yeah, yeah. He was already like pretty good at riding his bike. So she just hopped on hers and she was just like, yeah, let's go. We didn't have to teach her nothing. She's just ready to go.

No training wheels, nothing. I watched some of this guy's lesson. The main thing is to get, and some of the kids there were quite old kids. They were like 11, 12, and they just clearly just like embarrassed with all these little five and six-year-olds. But, you know, fair play to him for stepping up. You've got to learn. Well, this is the same thing going skiing though, right?

You've got to learn, though. You've got to learn. Well, this is the same thing going skiing, though, right? Like, even when I was, like, a teenager, you know, learning to snowboard or ski, there were literally four-year-olds running rings around me, and I was, like, tottering along like an idiot. Imagine what it feels like now to learn to ski at, like, 40. Oh, it'd be awful. The problems of the 1%.

It's crazy, you know? Imagine the frightful embarrassment. Oh, I'd be awful. The problems of the 1%, it's crazy, you know. Imagine the frightful embarrassment. Oh, my God. I was so embarrassed when I fell off my water polo horse. Can you imagine? There was a 12-year-old chap there laughing at me. I barely show my face at that evening's social. It was quite embarrassing.

We did have a laugh about it later, of course. But so I think tip one is get the kid on the bike, just pushing themselves along with their legs. Get them used to just moving the bike and then just letting them coast a little bit and balance it without any pedaling, like no pedaling. Just getting used to balancing. They went around and around in a circle like that for ages.

And once they get bored of doing that and it feels like second nature, then you can start with the pedaling and stuff. I thought it was interesting. Anyway, carry on. No, I had nothing more to say. No, he was done. He just wanted to fit in there that he's been skiing before.

I reckon she'd be good at skiing, my mum. She'd pick it up fast. How old can you imagine the embarrassment of a 60 plus year old woman? Having a tumble down the slope. Oh man. How old is your mum now?

She's got, she's, she's, she's got to be getting on a little bit, right? Sure. Yeah. She quite old? She's 31. 31? Already? Man, where does the time go? It's crazy. getting on a little bit right she sure yeah she's quite old yeah she's i don't know 31 31 already man where does the time go it's crazy exciting stuff my uh my middle daughter who has the uh who was uh was good uh at riding uh her bike from uh from the get-go has been off school she's got a little bit of impetigo you ever had had ever had an outbreak of that before flanks the thing you get like on your neck and stuff like that it's just like uh it's like a little skin uh

yeah but i mean mine had it it can get it can get uh there's degrees of it yeah yeah it's not like super threatening it's just uh contagious isn't it's very contagious yeah when it's uh when it's going when it's just starting out but um well i mean otherwise it's it's okay no yeah a buddy of mine had that my friend lee had that um in patago a few years ago we teased him about it a lot of course yeah of course yeah it's just one of those things sounds like a sounds like a thing that vampires would have yeah well they look a little bit i mean it's it's it's weird because when you first uh when you get it, it's not too bad. Like there's like a couple of little sores or whatever.

But then as it's getting better, it looks worse, you know? Like it starts to get all like dry and crusty, but like the sores just look bigger. Yeah, it's really weird. But yeah, it can spread around and stuff too. I think she had it like on the back of her arm, but because she was scratching it and then touching her face and stuff, it just it's everywhere i don't know sounds gross i thought it was it's gross it is pretty gross like uh oh god i thought it was like more like one of those like things that is like a blood disease that no no it looks like it looks like eczema like it

just looks like really bad yeah it was infectious it? Is it infectious? It's a bit infectious, yeah. If you had like a graze on you and you were in contact with my daughter for some reason, you would probably get it. You know, it's pretty contagious. But luckily, none of us have gotten it because we're not covered in cuts and lesions. It could be called school sores. And I recommend anyone listening to this does not look it up because the scabs are gross. It's nasty, yeah.

It's gross actually. My daughter's is like a milder case. It's not as nasty but yeah, if you look it up there's like fucking weeping boils and shit like that. It's pretty gross. Fucking hell. What else has happened in your lives this week? Anything interesting?

The baby is on the verge of actually talking. Lots of babbling, baby babbling. Ready to go. Lots of like, da-da-da-da-da, like loud da, you know, like, da-da-da-da-ma-ma-ma-ma stuff. Yeah. She's just like on the verge now. Like Lady Gaga. Yeah.

She'll be coming downstairs. So, well, she's not actually walking on the verge now. Like Lady Gaga. Yeah. She'll be coming downstairs. So, well, she's not actually walking down the stairs yet, thank God. But at some point she'll be coming down. She'll be like, Mommy, can I please have, you know what I mean? Like it'll be fully talking and asking for stuff and whatever. And then we'll have three people asking for stuff all the damn time. So there you go. Looking forward to that.

That's the, oh, wow. That's good. What do you think her first word will be? What were the first words of your other kids, by the way? It's almost always Dada. It's always Dada, yeah. It's the easiest thing for them to say, yeah. Right.

So that's technically, I suppose technically that's her first word, even though it's like babbling that you can make out and believe that it's something. I would like to know, in other languages, is dada always the first thing they say? It probably is, yeah. I think so, and I think that's the reason, and mama, I think that's the reason why it's called that. Maybe, yeah. Yeah.

I think that's because... But we also say, can you say dada and can you say mama? Like I say, you know, those are the kind of things you say to babies. Yeah. And I wonder if they pick that up. So I wonder if you're like, are Chinese babies saying dada? Or are they saying something else? I think they probably are, yeah.

If you've got a different language there, let us know. I'm intrigued. I'd like to know. Mailbag us. I'm not going to look it up. On that one. No, no, we're not going to look that up. I just want to read what the people have to say.

No. No. Because the people will be divided on this. I'm still getting emails about the whole which chromosome boldness is inherited on, and there is no consensus. Oh, right. None. I'm getting it from all angles and none of them agree with each other, so I'm just... So another thing, another thing she says a lot is, yeah. She says, yeah. Yeah. So like you'll say, hey, do you want to put your coat on? You want to go in the car? Yeah. Yeah. She'll say, yeah. So it's pretty cute that's so funny it is funny yeah yeah it's a great thing where they go yeah yeah they start going really like they go crazy with it she goes like all high-pitched yeah she was uh we took a video over she she wasn't uh she wasn't paying attention to

any of us in the room at the time so So she was just in her own little world. She was laying on the couch and she had a book, but she was like pretending to read it, but it was upside down. But she was like reading it out loud using the only words she has. So she was like, da, da, da, da, da, da, da. And then she'd switch the page and start doing it again. It was really good. Oh, that's so funny. They are so pure at that age.

It's just that it's so funny. It so pure at that age it's just hilarious it's it's it's like a little copy a copy bot isn't it yeah obviously she can't she can't um she can't talk to you but she she'll point at stuff that she wants she understands everything that you say like it's insane like how how how much she can understand without actually being able to to speak or or ask for anything but she points at stuff. I mean, they just watch us all day, right? Like, their life is watching the other people in the family. It really is incredible. I mean, we've had other kids,

so, like, this shouldn't be, like, as much of a revelation, but it never ceases to amaze me. Like, it is really incredible to watch a baby start to develop into, like, you know, a toddler, and toddler and then into like a small kid or whatever. Even with my 11-year-old now, I'm sure, Flax, you can relate to this. Yeah. Having two kids around that age or like a little bit older. Yeah.

This kind of stuff that he's coming up with now and the levels of sass are just like off the charts man it's unbelievable it's just crazy like you ask it like he'll sarcastically reply to things now it's like what oh yeah hell i mean they they're making fun of us now yeah uh the other day you know you know the the when people say it it do be bussing yeah that this pizza would be bussin yeah so uh mrs f said buslin by mistake right and she also said busting so the kids say that to her all the time so they're making fun of her lack of skills i may have spoken about this last week no i don't think you have actually this is all new to me i don't well they so now they they put on a fake mum mum voice they're like oh this pizza do be bustling and like making fun of her oh my god like that yeah they're brutal jesus you know

what we all all three of us got into trouble does that make your wife sadge that's another thing that they say nowadays as well right i hate sadge man i hate that that. Is she Madge or Sag? They don't say Sag. They say Pog a lot, but yeah, they don't say Sag. They say Pog. They do say Pog, yeah. So Mrs. F went away last weekend with her mates. They had like a mum's weekend away, which was great. And it was just us.

Now on Saturday morning, being Twickenhamites, my girls go horse riding, right? They do horse riding on a Saturday. And it means getting up fucking early on a Saturday to get them out there for it. Friday evening, Mrs. F has already left. She's away. The kids are grizzling about having to go the next day. Right. Because it's fucking cold and wet and all the rest of it.

And I was like, if you guys don't want to go, let me know. And they're like, we don't want to go. Right. I was like, okay. I said, the thing is, let me know. And they're like, we don't want to go. I was like, okay. I said, the thing is, we cannot tell mummy that you haven't gone. We have to maintain the self-diffusion. And they were like, we can do that. Of course, within two days of her return, we'd been rumbled.

You didn't go horse riding, did you? No, we didn't. No, they could. You just sat around and drank Coke and ate chocolate all day, did you? Yes, we did. Yes, that is exactly what we did. But so it was, yeah, Mrs. No, they could. You just sat around and drank Coke and ate chocolate all day, did you? Yes, we did. Yes, that is exactly what we did. But so it was, yeah, Mrs. F just rumbled us and she texted me on WhatsApp, I'm fucking furious with you, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, oh, shit.

My youngest comes home from school and she's got, she looks at me and she goes, she knows. I was like, I know that she knows. And we were just like, what are we going to do? She's like, did you apologize? I was like, of course. And both the kids were like, was mommy angry with you? I was like, yes, she knows and we were just like what are we gonna do she's like did you apologize i was like of course and both the kids were like was mommy angry with you i was like yes she was very angry but then they were like i'm so sorry dad i was like do you have to live in a new house now yes i'm going to have to i'm sorry your life is changing right now this is unbelievable unprecedented really they were apologizing to me for letting me down with their lying and i was

like kids i'm the responsible adult here i'm meant to be i let you down so i apologize to me for letting me down with their lying and I was like kids I'm the responsible adult here I'm meant to be I let you down so I apologize to you for putting you in this situation but they're like no it was like a we were all in on it I was like I know I felt like we bonded but at the same time we bonded about all collectively doing a really stupid shitty thing are you guys at the point now where you can kind of like joke about it like as no, no. Oh, right. You can't be like, oh, look at that time we didn't go horse riding. I can't remember that. No, no. There would be a dark look if we did that.

I'm telling you that. It's nice when you get to the point, though, where you can. It does sound like you bonded, though. It feels like they almost, like, you took one for them, right? Do you think they respect you more now that you said they didn't have to go horse riding? Oh, yeah. Do you feel like maybe more respect like maybe more more respect how long it'll last no they just know that i'm a soft touch like they both give me the puppy dog eyes and they know how to oh please daddy

don't make us go out in the cold and i'm just like okay i won't make you yeah because i'm just a big softy but mrs f is like you're going i i for me it's not even being a i i i get i like i'm i i kind of fill that role in the house as well but it's not even me being a softy it's me being lazy it's like oh what's this you don't want to go horse riding oh okay yeah no i mean i don't want to drive you there either so uh i mean that's part of it for sure because it would mean getting up at seven in the morning on a saturday like that equally, you know, they really didn't want to go. No. So we were all united.

None of us wanted them to go. But, um, and the other thing is, is like, Mrs. F is like, make sure you use that quince or whatever. What is it called? Quorn mints to make some bolognese while I'm away. And we're like, we will. And then as soon as she's out the door, it's in the bin and we get a pizza in or something.

You did. You threw all that mints away. You could have sent it to Lewis. He loves it. He can't get enough of that stuff, man. Yeah, post him some corn mince. Using the internet without ExpressVPN is like leaving your laptop out of the coffee shop while you run to the bathroom.

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ExpressVPN.com slash Triforce. On with the show so sam's put together some um news for me uh or for us right do you want to read it yeah go for it yeah please first thing on the list nvidia broadcast right streaming software has updated now and there's an option where oh the eye contact thing make eye contact directly with the camera even if you're looking elsewhere oh my god man what that's gonna that's a game changer it is astonishing so you can look around so the idea is it's supposed to be for if you're like reading off a script on the other monitor or you're like um you know it's basically to try

and like keep your eyes in the same place rather than be obvious that you're reading off the script. I noticed that as well. If I'm watching the news or whatever, I can see them not quite looking at me. You know what I mean? They're not quite looking at the camera. Yeah, because they're reading off the autocue. Exactly. Yeah.

Well, actually, those things are fascinating. We had one on the shoot recently. What they have is they actually have the camera lens. camera lens is like one of those trick Disney mirror things where the words are in front of the camera lens but the camera can't see them. So the camera is shooting through a screen where the words are. It's amazing. So that way you are directly looking and your eyes should only go to the left and right of the camera lens rather than above or below or to the left or to the right.

It's obviously really clever. But yeah, deepfaking is the next solution, the next best solution to that. If you're a VTuber or a YouTuber and you want to make an apology video. If you're a VTuber, you don't even need it because obviously your eyes are just deepfaked already, right? There was big drama in the talk-off community recently that in in a lad having to do an apology video yeah it

was a really really lousy apology video yeah it was funny but I think for now people would be able to see it and I guess it's it's for professional use but I thought that was interesting news Michael Michael Bay is facing charges in Italy for murdering a pigeon or killing a pigeon while filming a movie. I only saw the headline because I don't like Michael Bay, so I didn't read it. But I saw that he killed a pigeon and he was facing charges. Do you know anything about the circumstances?

Did he walk up and stamp on a pigeon? Well, the story goes that while they were filming, someone using a dolly, which is the things that move the cameras around, accidentally hit and killed a homing pigeon. Okay. So the evidence to this is a paparazzi. Who was responsible for that?

Is it the key grip? On the floor. Or is it the grip boy? So basically, even if it was... It wasn't me, it was the key grip. Even if it the grip boy? So basically, it's not, even if it was. It wasn't me, it was the key grip. Even if it was, as the story goes,

it wasn't, it was like one of the, it was just an on-set accident, I assume. Right. But apparently he's saying that it was just a paparazzi photo that was on the ground.

It died, unrelated cause. But because homing pigeons are protected, there's like, there's like a warrant out for him. Alec Baldwin shot and killed somebody on set and I don't think anything

happened to him so I don't think Michael Bay's got much to worry about honestly. Can we solve that one? I'm not laughing at the fact that it was a tragic, tragic accident I'm sorry but that was just very funny I'm not making light of this. No, me neither. I'm just pointing it pointing it out sorry i don't mean to offend today was interrupted after

gary oh this is hilarious i saw this yeah it was so they would i saw this already as well there was um they were just doing a normal match today boring old broadcasting and some guy had sellotaped a mobile phone to the back of the set i I think he's like a prank YouTuber. Yeah, he claims to be a fucking prankster. He's just a boring dickhead. He's a prank YouTuber. And obviously his phone had like, it was like a really shitty ringtone of like sex sounds.

But like kind of hard to make out, honestly. It was like, ah, ah. It was like, it was kind of bad right no sex sounds i've ever heard yeah well it just didn't sound a woman having fun yeah and it was kind of bad it should have been get off get off i've got a headache yeah get off get off oh man oh my god um jesus sorry i can't distracted but no gary lilliker handled it like a pro and was like oh someone's playing some weird sounds i don't know if you can hear that must be some sort of joker yeah and i don't know he just he he was like really he really handled it well um and everyone looked everyone looked he managed to spin it so

it was like because he tweeted afterwards so imagine actually inside he was furious okay and I would be but maybe he wasn't maybe he was just like hi I think you got it I think you gotta just roll with the punches when stuff like that happens right because I wish I wish yeah I'd like to be able to but I think inside I would still be fuming you would no i don't think he would he put out like a tweet afterwards that was like you know this is what we found this thing sellotape to the back of the set yeah it was quite quite funny my favorite part of it is that i think he was trying to throw to alan shearer who was standing on some

gantry wearing a flat cap looking like classic shira stone-faced boring bastard and this is going on and he's trying to throw to shira shira's just like like just can't hear the sex sales serious because it's you know oh there's a bit of goal here at leicester fucking who gives a shit people who are watching that are certain a certain population anyway uh the other thing on this news thing is so news thing is, so apparently this is a thing that happens. If you have like these leaf piles, right, like big leaf piles that decompose,

they will create nitrous oxide. Yeah, they can burst into flames as well, can't they? Yeah, which is like laughing gas. I think so. What you're supposed to do is apparently you're supposed to like periodically stir them, right? Right. If you have a huge one.

But the deer in the local area have learned that if they dig into the leaf pile, they can take a huge breath of nitrogen dioxide and get fucked up on it. And there's videos of them frolicking around, acting crazy. Like the teenagers in my area, doing those balloons. I love that. Man. Setting fire to things.

Well, speaking of that, actually the other day, there was a bus on fire in Bristol. Good God. On the way in. And it was like properly smoke pouring out of it. You know, like a bomb had gone off or something. Where was it?

Right up into the air. Just outside the train station. If only there was someone with the capacity to push this bus into some water. Where's the Bristol pusher when you need it? My calling, I missed it.

I wondered what that was. I thought it was because it was right at the top at the back of the bus, right? It looked like where the kids would be sitting. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. There's no... Are you trying to say that some kids did this? Is this where this is leading?

You're just assuming that some kids lit the bus on fire? Well, it's like a gas-powered bus, right? Right. And I think they have the engine on the back, though, right? On buses? Actually, I don't know where the engines are. Sorry, is there any bus experts? Write in.

Send stuff to the mailman. The engine is at the back. The engine is at the back. Yeah, I think so. Because that's where you've got, I mean, I'm 99% sure it's at the back. Because, first of all, if you look at a bus, there's no room at the front for the engine. It's a big engine. Yeah.

And it doesn't have the truck style front to it. It doesn't have like a hood. If you look at the back of a bus, for one thing, if you sit at the back of the bus, you can fucking hear the engine. And that's where, whenever they break down, they open that flap at the back and the driver stands there for a second, looking like he's going to be able to fix it. But it's more to just symbolize the bus has broken down. So I'm pretty sure- You know the bus has broken down.

I'm like 99 sure on the certainly on a london bus the the engine's at the back yeah and that's not what's on fire it's like above the engine like it's it's like the windows the back but that's where the kids like the naughty kids would sit right top deck not anymore well just saying good you solved that one. So they're being, I'm assuming they're looking for some, well, the thing is, though, it happened at like 10. So that feels- A.M. or P.M.? 10 a.m.

So it feels like kids would have gone off at least an hour before that, right? Maybe. I mean, if they're shoving paper and bits of rubbish down some vent hole that goes onto the radiator or something down there and that catches fire, all the rubbish down there could be that. Could be, yeah. Maybe there's all their love notes. They need to get rid of the love notes that they pass around to each other.

And that's what's happening. Do people do that anymore? Oh, yeah. I don't know. I think they just Snapchat each other pictures of their dicks, don't they? Isn't that pretty much what it is? Well, that's a big part of it now, too. But I think there's some poetry involved as well sometimes. Romance they isn't that well that's a big part of it now too but i think there's some i think there's some some poetry involved as well sometimes probably isn't

dead sips yeah i should hope it's not people might it's thriving it's thriving you just you would love to get a love letter again i remember i getting them well that's what did you ever get those uh did you ever get those letters where it's like uh i really i really like you do you want to go out with me? And then there's like a box that says yes or no. Yes, yes, no. Yes, absolutely. I love those.

Oh, good. Yeah, like the feedback form. I love you. Do you love me? Yes, no. Of course, you always take yes because, you know, who takes no? You must reply. Yes.

Yeah. It's like I love that stuff that kids do where they need you to reply as well. It's like immediately. They almost it's that stuff that kids do where they need you to reply as well. It's like immediately. They almost like make it as easy as possible, like stamped just envelope. I think they still do love notes, but I think there's a cutoff much sooner than when we were kids.

Because one thing I have noticed is that a lot of my son's friends at school, who are all 10, 11 years old, one thing that a lot of them got for Christmas this year was a phone. So I think once they're on once they're on their phones there that's it's it's kind of done you know it seems early to be getting a phone as well as present no but um but then i just say uh we're talking about school sorry sips um go ahead no i was gonna just say that some some of them actually um seemed a little bit like bit like regretted asking for a phone.

Because it turns out it's not as great as they thought it was going to be. Yeah. I think they would have rather just actually had something fun. I was going to talk about school. My youngest had a story about her music teacher the other day that I thought was quite funny. It reminded me of being at school. other day that i thought was quite funny and reminded me of being at school um i think from the kids perspective the teachers are like these monolithic creatures who don't have emotions and just turn up do the job and go home and they don't get stressed or anything like that and they're

like stone giants but of course as an adult now the idea of working with kids all day you realize fucking hell what a stressful bloody job suck yeah and this music teacher had clearly had enough on this particular day um and the kids were all doing music and for some reason they're doing something to do with piano they all have to play the piano in this lesson only two kids in the class have had piano lessons which is sign of the times really i'm sure back in the in the olden days most people would you know especially in a middle class school would would have some kind of fucking piano tutoring or something i certainly remember lots of kids did anyway yeah she's there and she's like just play the c chord and they were like what's a c chord she's getting angrier and angrier with these kids for not knowing how to play chords on a piano and i thought if you can't play the piano

just shouting at people to play the so-and-so chord isn't gonna make them be able to play it like it's not you can't look at a piano and know no oh c chord of course like you can't work it out no you have to you have to like decipher that pretty early on right like i could imagine like someone who's never looked at a piano before wouldn't know what that was at all right i mean if you were given a piano and told all right for the next month it's just you and the piano, you've got to figure out how to play a few things. If you give someone a fucking guitar and say play the C chord on that, I'd be like, here you go, play Smoke on the Water.

What? Smoke on the Water, motherfucker. Smoke on the Water, let's go. Come on. How many times have I said, play Smoke on the Water? Yeah. So I just thought that was a collapse in teaching from that teacher. But I just also thought, I bet she just had one of those days and was just at the end of a tether.

My son got a kazoo in his stocking and he's been playing that. And one song that he really likes to play on his kazoo for some reason is that one, I'll be riding shotgun on the hot... Like, but on the kazoo. Right? You do basically kazoo as you're just humming something through a... Yes.

Through a tube, right? It's not like he's playing... You're not playing an instrument. No, but it's like in... It's in my head now because it's just like constant... Like, I'm not talking about a little kazoo here. I'm talking about like five solid hours of kazoo.

Like, it just... Oh myoo like of the same chord yes yes yeah i don't know why i don't even i didn't even realize he liked that song but i guess i don't even know if he does like it i think it's one of those things that you know it's just a tune that he's got in his head or whatever So that's what he plays Yeah it sounds good And it's familiar and it works The joy of a kazoo is

You can literally be As long as you can harm a tune You can play that tune You don't have to learn the keys You don't have to like Have dexterous fingers. Does anyone know of any songs, legitimate songs that are not comedy songs

that feature a kazoo in a serious song? I can't think of one. Right. Can you think of any? With a kazoo in it? Yeah. I can't think of any. I can't even think of a joke song with a kazoo in it. Name me one. I can't think of a of of any i can't even think of a joke song with a kazoo in it

name me one any songs is it the least represented musical instrument if you could even call it that it's got to be honestly because i even novelty you even hear like a like a faint triangle in the back of some songs right like it's i mean a triangle yeah that's there's a place for it. Yeah, yeah. But kazoo, I don't think there's a place for the kazoo. It does feel like a kind of comedy. It's like a kind of comedy music, isn't it, I suppose. All right, I've actually got the answer right here. What is it? In 1961, Del Shannon's So Long Baby, issued on Big Top Records,

featured a kazoo on the instrumental break. Holy crap. And Jesse Fuller's 1962 recording of his song San Francisco Bay Blues features a kazoo solo, as does Eric Clapton's 1962 recording of his song San Francisco Bay Blues features a kazoo solo, as does Eric Clapton's 1992 recording of the song on MTV's Unplugged. Oh. No, San Francisco Bay Blues. Man, Tears in Heaven would be so weird with a kazoo solo in the middle of it,

wouldn't it? It's like this really serious song, and then all of a sudden... Like, just the kazoo radio certain instruments that are not like ever gonna be cool like the harmonica right oh they got no one my kids got harmonicas in their stockings as well now hang on Lewis the harmonica is a

completely different kettle of fish okay how about the there's the squeeze box the accordion the accordion well the accordion now what it's cool with an accordion so they don't look cool but there have been some pretty good songs featuring the accordion accordions sound amazing actually when they're played accordions do sound great uh played right yeah it sounds like really stereotypical because you kind of associate accordions with the french right like it is uh it's a very i guess i associate the kazoo the accordion the harmonica these things with the one man band right we were on some public

transportation in france one time in paris we were visiting paris and there was a guy on our train playing the accordion and it was amazing he was so good like it was he was belting them out and people were like giving him tips and everything it was it was really fantastic i i i don't mind an accordion honestly i think they're pretty good i think well maybe i'm maybe i'm picking it wrong but i just that sort of clowny like with that with a horn under your armpit and you know you're the symbol between your knees or like a rubber chicken like you know on your butt cheeks and so you could squeeze, like every different part of your body and make like a, you're like a honking, smashing mess going down the street.

I just, I, it's just too comedy. It's too clowny. Like these instruments, like you wouldn't see like Drake playing the, you know, the kazoo or the end of your career.

If you're cool and you come out playing a kazoo i think that's it i think bill bailey or weirdo yankovic can get away with any and they want the weird at once yeah they do that's their it's part of that they have a comedy slapstick element to them of course so if you're if you're if you are a comedian then yeah of course you're gonna look for stuff like that right can you imagine if when Prince came out to do the Super Bowl and played Purple Rain, if instead of playing at the Qatar, he'd whipped out a kazoo, a purple kazoo, and played Purple Rain on the kazoo? It still would have been the best Super Bowl show ever.

Because he was so talented. It was insane. He could just do anything. But it's still a kazoo. It is still a kazoo, yeah. I think it kind of kills the vibe. It's a street cred thing, I think, with the kazoo. You have to be able to pull it off,

and I can't think of one person who could actually pull it off, besides maybe Prince, actually. Yeah, I've got an update, just very quickly. We recorded a podcast last week talking about Dungeons & Dragons. Oh, yeah. And now all my Twitter feed is filled with people complaining about Wizards of the Coast and Dungeons & Dragons. Just, yeah. And now all my Twitter feed is filled with is people complaining about Wizards of the Coast and Dungeons and Dragons. Just to reiterate what I said on Twitter,

we recorded that podcast before all these revelations about Wizards and everything. No, no, no, we didn't. I had no idea about it. This is why I was like that. Yeah, Lewis was really waxing lyrical about the whole thing.

No, you said they're shitty and it's a shitty system. That was your argument. There was no mention of this stuff. Oh, no, this is the new stuff. Well, this has been going on for a while, though. This is not something that suddenly happened this week. They've been being shitty for months and worse and worse. But all I've seen this week was this whole licensing thing.

This week is them backtracking, though, and making it worse. This week is them getting up in people's faces about basically trying so the the the wizard of the coast is owned by hasbro which is a massive mega corp and they want to monetize people with a monthly subscription through you know their systems and they want people they want to hook people in and charge people ever increasing amount of money for basically nothing and you know and it's kind of i think it's gone over to got to a boiling point where they've been trying to you know almost like claim ownership over people's homebrew systems and things like this it's almost like you know when you it's like if you like the user and user license

agreement in minecraft you know if you make a a Minecraft mod, that belongs to Microsoft kind of thing. Right. That sort of stuff, but for D&D. And so I think a lot of people are kind of... Yeah, in theory, but Microsoft have made it quite clear that they don't want my nude mod that I made for Minecraft. They don't want anything to do with it, even though I've tried and tried and tried to get them interested.

My mod, MingeCcraft, is not popular. I don't know why. What have I done? I can't figure it out. Dear Bill Gates, Minjcraft is the future. Here is why. I've replaced all the in-game assets with pictures of vaginas. What is now a giant woman that you can paint into.

Thinking of putting a painting up in your brand new house that you just made? Hope you like pussy, because this mod is for you. Sounds like all the Skyrim mods. Yeah, pretty much. No, you're not wrong. Every Skyrim mod is that. The sound effects would be like that fucking... Oh, my God, you're right about that. Oh, my God.

The sound effects would be like that mobile phone, though, on Match of the Day. Yeah. Just really crappy. Sick sounds, yeah. Whenever you, like, fall. Instead of the oof, it would be... Oh, did I tell you guys about the Thomas the Tank Engine fandom?

Did we talk about that last week? Yes, I believe so. All right. That was a fascinating one sorry i've delved no deeper i stopped no i i yeah i thought that was good good i haven't i was talking to uh somebody about this yesterday because they were saying that they watched the uh the john was it john wayne gaze that gacy or whatever john what's his name the the serial killer right the john john wayne there's a a there's there's like a

documentary about about him on netflix or something like that and then they've got that big series about dahmer and stuff as well but i i was like i was saying i think i'm i think i'm serial killered out like as as fascinated as as i am by them sometimes it just it's just it it's so miserable reading about them and stuff as well like it, it's not, it is awful shit. Like, I never want to hear another thing about Jeffrey Dahmer ever again in my whole life. Agreed. Like, he is just the worst. Enough with Jeffrey Dahmer.

Please don't make any more series or documentaries or anything about him. I think the ones that exist are enough to get the point across that he was truly an evil person. And that's it. We don't need more. Like, just please don't need more like uh like just please don't it's it's it is the worst you're out of luck here because if it's making money look at the history i know i mean all they make is hitler stuff hitler's greatest cups of coffee like that's it's it's anything um anything speaking of miserable um uh tv watching and stuff

uh don't talk about the apprentice i'm not gonna no it's on tonight but i'm Don't talk about The Apprentice. I'm not going to. No, it's on tonight, but I'm not going to talk about it. I was going to say that I watched All Quiet on the Western Front, the new one on Netflix. Oh, that was watchable. It was really good, but quite miserable as well, right?

Yeah. I couldn't finish it. I was like, war is hell, I get it. Really well done, but yeah, war really is hell. Holy crap. It was just like, yeah, I get it. I was like, war is hell, I get it. Really well done, but yeah, war really is hell. Holy crap. It was just like, yeah, I get it. I get it, war is hell.

Well, I read the book relatively recently. How's the book? It was interesting to see how that was changed. Very different, very different, actually. Partly because the book is written by a soldier who was there, a German soldier who fought on the western front and obviously it's his you know notes or like recollections which was obviously slightly um slightly kind of censored uh at the time because it was published just sort of before world war two not many people that

returned from the uh to from the front the the the ones that did, really spoke about it much either. Right? It was like... I've got a recommendation if you want to know more, Sebs. It's a book. I read this a couple of years ago by a guy called Ernst Jünger. It's a German book called Stahlgewitten, which is Steel Thunderstorm.

In English, it was Storm of Steel. He was a World War I officer fighting for the Bosch. It's like was Storm of Steel. He was a World War I officer fighting for the Bosch. And it's like his account of it. It is really unbelievable. It's so good. It's a really, really good read. And I recommend that.

That, to me, is far more impressive and important than this fucking film, which I was just like, I just... Like, for one thing, the thing is with Storm of Steel, he talks about the fact that when he was in battle and doing it, they were actually fucking elated. Like, he's like, there's nothing like it. Really? Yeah, he was like, and this is the dark side of it that you don't hear about.

And this is my biggest problem with all of these war books is like, war is hell and everyone's like, it's a miserable line in the mud. And my friend's head is now in my lap. Like, yeah, I get it. I get it. But you're not talking about the fact that some people fucking love it. And this guy does. He talks about it.

I think it touches on it a little bit, but probably not as much as, you know, maybe it's in the book or whatever. Because there is like, there is reference to like, you know, in in in the middle of it when they have a little bit of time to think and they sort of they're sort of saying what the hell are we going to do like how am i going to go back to leading a normal life after

all this sort of thing like get me back into the into the fight like this is this is me now that's all i know like like this is i mean i i get it it's all true stuff and you took you know a lot of veterans have shared the same feelings, and I am not trying to diminish what you guys experienced. Absolutely not. But I'm talking about it as a film, as a story. I feel like too many war films treat this subject as if we've never before been treated to the fact that war is hell

and that it has a toll. I know it does. We all know it does we all know it does we get it we've got young people living today who are suffering ptsd from war do we need to see another war movie where it's like the young went off they had no idea what they're signing up for turns out war is hell and they lost their friends and now they're changed people it's like yeah i get it it just feels like the same story over and over again but a new generation coming through yeah has it changed anything these stories have been around forever it's never changed anything that's my problem it's never changed young people signing up for war and having completely the wrong

idea about what it's going to be like and then finding out the reality and thinking i fucked up what was i thinking yeah yeah like that is such an old story and but these stories have been around i guarantee you for hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years talking about the regret of a soldier going to war and realising the bloody reality. It just feels like you need new stories. You can't just keep doing the same one.

Like, can you believe it? War is hell? It's like, yeah, I get it. I fucking get it. I love more tactical ones. I like the military history and like the strategy things. You're right, they are.

There's enough, but then again, there's enough gratuitous violence from john wick and other things right they glamorize being a being a killer i don't want glamour and all of these netflix shows glamorizing serial killers there's plenty of that anyway right what i'm saying is if you look at something like band of brothers which was a really legendary tv series and amazing those guys were not spending half an episode just after every fight crying and saying war is hell. They had a job to do and they got on with it and it was grim. A lot of the time there was a big toll for these guys,

but they also knew what they had to do and why they were doing it. And I think that was an interesting war story where we had characters who were suffering and couldn't cope with it. And then we had characters who were perhaps too into it. And we had characters who were trying to mediate everything and keep it together and keep people alive it was fascinating showed it from multiple different perspectives and it was interesting and

it was based on a true story so that made it more interesting i just think if your drama about the war is just going to be war is hell yeah it's you're lacking some depth well apparently this is exactly what the problem was with this we might have talked about this before, but with the follow-up season to Band of Brothers. The Pacific. The Pacific, yeah. That was too, and I think a lot of people had that same criticism, that it was just too miserable. Yeah.

They forgot that, and I think a lot of people forget that, I think maybe this is maybe, in fact, I don't know if this is even true, but Band of Brothers, I think, does have lighter moments with them you know yeah doing something that isn't just slugging in mud and bleeding to death yeah yeah like you know more about the characters i always felt in the pacific all you saw was their hollowed out eyes fighting this grim war on these pacific islands which i'm sure was absolutely fucking hellish yeah god damn but you can't watch 12 episodes of that no you know what i mean you just you just can't we're saying the same thing about

um we're watching uh inside number nine yesterday and like the the short story format i've said before i really i really like but we were we were thinking about some of them how you know there was maybe some more story to tell and you could almost make it into a series. But then like, how the fuck could you slog through some of these miserable stories, like in a episodic format, you know? Like imagine watching 12 episodes of the one where the guy works at the volunteer call center. You know what I mean?

Oh yeah. Like the story could have been fleshed out maybe a little bit more, but nobody's going to sit through 12 episodes of that, right? It's just like too miserable. Yeah, it's too much so it's like it works it works perfectly really like it's definitely a hard topic and i think i think you're right the war has has there's it's it feels somewhat irreverent um or disrespectful to make comedy about it but we obviously did the dad's army video on you know we people are comparing that to like so people saying it feels more like mash you know it feels more like i mean

mash with the korean war but it's it's it's kind of these there's not many comedies that have tried to tackle these hard-hitting events without some little note or message i mean blackadder did it during the during the first world war tackle the grim realities of the French and the German. Exactly. And that was, that was an interesting. You stupid women.

Who's the flashing nubs? It was just catchphrases. Oh man. So I guess you, I guess you're right. Like it does feel like, I don't know, like,

but then again, it's a classic Oscar bait thing, right? Where Tollywood wants to getcars or get recognition or create something that they think is maybe sometimes it's it's pet projects as well i think i think every movie is someone's pet project right you've got to see yeah for sure and and someone 1917 was a war movie another world war one war movie but i think they did something really interesting it had an interesting story,

and it had these guys having to do this unbelievable thing as part of the story. And obviously, the gimmick, if you want to call it that, was the single-shot nature of it, which was very, very technically impressive. And after a while, the only thing I'd say is you kind of forget that it's single-shot, but it did mean that you stayed with, in this huge mess of a war,

you stayed with just these two characters, which was very interesting and very well done. But it was interesting because 1917, whilst it had that war is hell kind of thing that all war movies have, that wasn't the focus. And I didn't feel like I'd seen it before. I felt like I really wanted to know what happened. And it had a compelling plot on its own.

And that's all I'm saying is that if you're going to make a war film, it has to have more to it. Yeah. Like Platoon, for example, was a good war movie. And it did have the, I mean, you know, the tagline for Platoon was, in war, innocence is the first casualty, right? And it was his transformation from this sort of young ingenue sort of soldier who's got all these big ideas

coming from college to the grim reality of it yeah but it didn't feel like it was just a war is hell movie it felt like it was more of a compelling story about the the fight between good and evil and every soldier i thought that was that was interesting sure so i'm just saying that was why when you were talking about um all quiet the Western Front didn't do it for me. Yeah, I thought, yeah, I agree on the points, you know, that it's a story that's been told and stuff like that. But I think it was impressively presented, at least.

I think technically it was really nicely done. And therefore quite watchable, I suppose. One thing that always makes me laugh, it's such a trope in these things. If there's a character wearing glasses they're gonna die and you're gonna find

their glasses I guarantee you every single time there's a bunch of lads in a war and one of them's got specs the specs cracked

one lens missing it was his glasses Hans's glasses how is he going to see now without his glasses he will not need to see anymore. His eyes are spread all over this field. His eyes are in little pieces.

How has his glasses survived? It's like, okay, I bet this lad's glasses are going to be crushed in mud. How is he going to kiss his girlfriend when his head is in pieces all over this river? I will write you a letter. You will send it yourself. No, you must get it back to my father. I kind of like some of the rabbit holes that you end up going down though after you watch some of this stuff because like i

it just it just uh made me read more about you know like the first world war and the events leading up to it and stuff like that which i've done before but um i don't know it's just it history's i find history and the older i get i know i keep saying it but the older i get the more fascinated i am by it as well. Like, I don't know. Do you suppose, because I was thinking about this the other day, actually, that when I was in school, history seemed like the most boring subject in the world to me. Yes, gotcha. Whereas now, I really love reading about history.

And I've read all kinds of things. Yeah. And I remember our teachers at the time saying, you guys should read some books about history. You'd love it. And we were like, no, whatever, sir. Yeah. Whereas now, I'm thinking, man, yeah, You'd love it. And we were like, whatever, sir. Whereas now I'm thinking, man, yeah, I'd love to get back to school and learn this stuff. I prefer reading.

But why do we look backwards more? As we get older, we tend to look back more. I wonder if that's part of it. We've got some sense of the past because we were there. We have our own past to look back on. So that draws us into the greater past. Whereas when you're young, you've got a fucking past. All you've got is future future who cares about history when you're 14 there is no history for you for me i'm interested to see like um like i remember like my my generation and being a kid and stuff and i'm

always interested to see what led up to that you know like what led up to the conditions and you're absolutely right by the way about this pflex like how for us, 9-11 was a huge event, right? Whereas to a lot of kids or even like, you know, 30-year-olds, they have no, that was in the distant past to them. That was a different time. To them it's just that old something awful meme with the towers going up and down to Yakety Saks, right? Which is like the oldest.

Sorry, you go Sips. Sorry I interrupted. No, no, it's fine. It's just, honestly, for anyone listening to the podcast, quite often we interrupt each other because there is a slight delay on Discord. Well, not in that case. I didn't even hear Sips say anything. I just didn't know. I wanted

Sips to go into a new bit. Go on, Sips. I can't remember what I was saying now because you interrupted me. Oh, no! Well, that's good. That can't have been. It was very important. No, it wasn't. We've got to stop the podcast. It wasn't. Thank you, everyone, for listening this week.

It's great to have you join us. It's great to be doing this again. Yeah, new year, new podcast, same old shit. We're back. We love you all. Take care of yourselves and be good to each other out there. All right. Farewell.

We will see you next time on the field. On the field of battle. Bring the glasses, Hans. Oh, no. All right. Farewell. We will see you next time on the field. On the field of battle. Bring the glasses, Hans. Oh, no. My glasses.