Triforce! - Triforce! #25: Good Days Gone By

Episode Date: October 26, 2016

Kids stuck in fridges, dads stuck at parties, us stuck in the good ol' days. Top that off with a hint of Hitler and you've got yourself a Triforce Podcast!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the Triforce podcast. Here we are once again, this time striving to not talk about depressing shit like we did last time. Oh, it wasn't too bad actually. Yeah, once it was heavily edited it was perfect. They had to edit an hour of footage out. It was pretty impressive. Well, normally people when they they we don't really edit anything though normally a lot of people edit a lot heavier on on good

podcasts and stuff no we're just so we're just so good and interesting and funny that we don't need to edit anything out in actual fact yeah if only we could record for longer because then you'd get more gold gold yeah it's like milking the golden it's like the man with can you milk a goose can you milk a goose podcast we're gonna give it a go i think most things can be milked if um if they're mammals yeah i agree anything yeah it's like ben stiller famously said that anything can be milked so yeah you can milk a goose for sure i can't i can't i can't, I can't, I can't. Maybe that could be your goal for this week

to find out if it's actually possible. And if it is possible, you know, step out of your comfort zone. Don't milk one. Go milk a goose. Try it out. See what happens. You don't even like it.

I'd love to see a series of, I don't know if you remember, Sibs, do you remember One to Grow On? Do you remember that? One to Grow On. Yeah. That rings a bell actually, One to Grow On. In the 70s and 80s. It's One to Grow On. Exactly. remember sips do you remember one to grow on do you remember that one to grow on yeah that rings the bell actually one to grow on in the in the 70s and 80s exactly 70s and 80s they'd have a little

insert but in kids tv in the states that was like maybe 30 seconds or a minute long in the middle of the adverts to sort of break up the adverts and give the impression that they gave a shit about the kids and they didn't just want them to give them money so it would be someone like david hasselhoff would pop up and give some little life lesson or something you know that an adult would be like obviously and to a kid it'd be like oh that sounds interesting and they'd be like hey kids don't play with landmines because you might get blown up landmines and that's yeah one to grow on and they'd be like did it did it little music and you know sort of one to grow united colors of bennett and kids and everything and that was one to grow we. And they'd be like, diddy, diddy, diddy, little music and, you know, sort of United Colors of Benetton kids and everything.

And that was one to grow on. We had a lot of those, actually. Like throughout the 80s, you had lots of different sort of forms of that. Like we had one in Canada called Mean Machines. Okay. And there was like a whole jingle to it and everything. It was basically a public service announcement saying, don't go fucking sledding into a snowblower, basically. Or, you know, watch out for like the salt truck that, you know, puts salt all over the icy roads or whatever, because they're mean machines and they can hurt you.

Yeah. But they always had like a kid smiling, like missing a leg or something. Oh, my God. Like to say like, he's all right, but, you know, you don't want to lose a leg. So be really careful. It was sort of like, oh God, it was pretty bad. Oh man. Yeah.

I think we should do a series of those. But they're things like, hey kids, did you know you can milk a goose? Try it today. And that's one to grow on. Just do our own range. You got to do the close up with a really like gummy smile. But then there's like a milk mustache like on the guy. And a cow dressed as a goose behind him somewhere.

Yeah, that would be great actually. I mean, I've mentioned this before elsewhere, I think. I think it was like in a Let's Play I did or something. But I went off on some big tangent about it but we used to get we used to have public service announcements as well for um fridges like old old fridge you know the old fridges that that had like a like a click lock yeah yeah like a big heavy metal class yeah it was those really old style like fallout style fridges right they they click locked you know and if you were inside the fridge,

you couldn't get out if it click locked. A lot of kids got into fridges. So you had to open it from the outside. Yeah. So what they were saying was like, if you're playing in the dump, kids, don't get into a fridge and close the door. Because like in the 80s, I guess fairly often they would just find kids in fridges in the dump like it and

god knows how they got there what they were doing but yeah they were like pretty dangerous actually so we used to have it used to terrify the shit out of us like you'd just be watching cartoons on a saturday morning and it'd be like don't end up like jimmy jimmy was stuck inside a fridge for 12 hours and then he slowly suffocated and you'd like the music's like in the background and stuff and you're just like oh my god get up for like a glass of water or whatever do you like edge around the fridge if it's like some sort of monster like in the corner oh man yeah they they would try to like scare the lesson into you sort of thing and it was so you know they changed the law but in the mid to late 50s troops

of people would sometimes search out a band of refrigerators detaching the doors and smashing the locks but children were still dying so they changed the law in 1958 to make it a magnetic mechanism that is used today instead of a latch well it's not even magnetic anymore is it is it like um it's like suction i think on it's like a suction seal thing now yeah because when you open the fridge you always get that like and you can feel like it the pull of it you know it's like a it's like a vacuum yeah it's like a vacuum suction now it's clever god we've come so far i mean geez hundreds of children like you're hundreds of children apparently in the 40s and 50s your old grand pap pap from like 1910 or whatever, if he's still alive now. You're like, you know what?

We didn't have the flying cars, grand pap pap, and I thought we would. And I'm sorry about that, but fucking suction fridges, man. Holy shit. Wouldn't he just be amazed at refrigerators full stop?

Son, that has blown my fucking mind. His kid's gotten too easy today. In my day, put a kid inside a fridge if he gets his way out well he's all right if he doesn't let him suffocate that's the way that's how you became a man because i managed to navigate my way out of a fridge back in the 1935 yeah that's what it was like everything was like a big rite of passage back then wasn't it it's like well you haven't lived until you've been hit by a bus and survived to tell the story

now i'm a real man i feel like a lot of old people have that mentality of well i lived through it yeah well my my life fucking sucked and i'm fine so what's the problem it's such a terrible attitude i mean it's like why don't we just repeat everything that's ever happened in the past because hey some people survived so yeah yeah world war ii let's have another one fuck it i made it out whatever let's go like some weird comfort thing like i just don't feel right unless world war ii is raging on we bring it back those were the days yeah it's weird it's it's a weird mentality now they don't know anything about the old days when when children regularly died in childbirth and diseases like

whooping cough those days were glorious man you joke about whooping cough but have you ever seen a baby that's suffering with whooping cough it's like it's pretty bad it's adorable it's horrible it's horrible it's awful the noise is the worst thing it sounds like an animal is stuck in your kid as a parent you want your kid to be making those noises it's like oh shit honking noises like yeah it's bad they it's non-stop as well it's like incessant you just imagine never being able to stop coughing it's the worst oh my god i found a little um script of this fridge scene yeah this is something seen shall i shall i do it as someone been you can do yeah you can do

to you it's just a worn out fridge shot widers to reveal more of the garden and a little girl standing, looking at a fridge. But to a child, it's a caravan, a ship, a castle, even a bed. Fridge door slammed shut. And a death trap, airtight and impossible to open from inside. A tone of panic in the child's voice. Now, now, tone of panic. Don't let it on fridge being you danger to children man appears man appears with hammer man appears with hammer take off the

door or smash the lock or better still ask your local council to take it away or tell you how to dispose of it before it kills a child just like right to the fucking point like they didn't even beat around the bush at all no they didn't before it kills a child it's like to the fucking point like they didn't even beat around the bush at all no they didn't before it kills a child it's like that out of the guy playing by the electricity transformer have you seen that oh shit yeah we used to get those as well yeah the kid just gets blown the fuck up like there's no messing around the kid's like like it's not a joke it's weird though isn't it because like like nowadays you know you know shows that are on tv like i don't know if you guys watch any of this shit like like Casualty or Holby City or whatever.

And it's like, it shows in pretty gruesome detail sometimes, you know, the kind of shit that can happen or whatever. But like, it still doesn't seem somehow as bad as Rescue 911. Do you ever remember watching that show like in the 80s and 90s? No. I think William Shatner hosted it. It was like after, like long after star trek sort of thing and it was it was one of those shows where it was it was it was always like a like a dramatic recreation of something that's happened so it wasn't like live footage or whatever and it's like recounting these stories of how the 911 emergency services helped somebody right sort of thing it's called rescue

911 and it was always like crazy shit like somebody falling through ice in a lake and stuff or like somebody getting hit by lightning and and i don't know what it was but the dramatic reenactment was somehow worse than just seeing live footage of the stuff happening like it's just it was it was awful it was just like such a it was one of those shows that you just sometimes would watch and then you wouldn't be able to sleep sort of thing or at least i found that was the case and unsolved mysteries as well fuck me god that was such a creepy show holy shit i don't remember that i guess they're like really american unsolved mysteries though see if you can find like even

the intro for unsolved Mysteries. It's got that really creepy guy. I'm not sure what his name is, but oh fuck. It just sends shivers down my spine. I fucking hate it. That show was the worst. And it was always like little Billy was abducted and we haven't seen him since. And it was always this dramatic recreation of Billy like going to the bus stop with his friends and nobody nobody ever seeing him again and stuff and the music was all chilling and oh fuck it was the worst is

desperately searching for this thing yeah it's called unsolved mysteries no i saw that it is kind of a weird uh it kind of it is kind of weird watching some video in the background yeah no i'm sorry this is a danger this is what happened so i watch it now. The thing is, we do still have these public information films nowadays, but I've been looking on this thing and I found that there's a bunch of really bad ones. Like, for example, there was a film made in 1973, which was if you mix cross-ply and radial tyres on the same axle or use cross-ply on the rear when you've got radials on the front, you might not live to regret it.

So that's a PSA about the danger of mixing tyres. That is very specific. I don't know. You know what I think? A lot of the stuff is that we didn't used to rely on manufacturers to take care of this shit like now if i went to a tire place to get new tires they would say you shouldn't mix these

kind of tires you should have four of the same and because you've got two on this and when it comes to fridges we don't have to tell people don't get in the fucking fridge because it'll lock and you'll die now we just say why don't we just make it so the fridges can't do that and to some people that's like oh it's the nanny state you're taking care of people but what they forget is it people fucking died from this stupid shit but but then again it's probably more actually a reaction to a contemporary issue or panic in the news you know it's like like clowns right now okay clowns oh shit i've heard about this. Yeah. It's so stupid. We had a warning from my kid's school about it to say, like, don't talk about this at home or whatever because it's going to traumatize your kids and stuff.

Right. We had like a newsletter back from them saying like, we're aware of the clown killer thing. And we ask you as parents not to talk about it in front of your kids because clowns are seen as an enjoyable part of your childhood and we don't want to associate them as killers no that's a lie they're the worst yeah how come there are still clowns to this day like can we not learn like time and time again that clowns if you're a clown you might as well have a sign on your head which says i'm a creepy pedo like honestly i'm sorry not just that they're not funny they're just steven hitler right if you were called steven hitler you would have renamed yourself by now or you're asking for trouble okay just don't be a

clown just don't be a clown steven hitler came to house yesterday. He's fine. He's a nice guy. Jeez. Did you guys ever hear of that show, Heil Honey, I'm Home? What? Okay, so when Sky... Wait, is this... It's a real TV show. You can watch it on YouTube.

Anyone out there listening to the podcast who hasn't seen it, Heil Honey, I'm Home. It is about the Hitlers living in an apartment and they have like Jewish neighbors. That's the setup for the show. Okay. And it was made in the nineties by Sky, maybe even in 89, but I don't think so. I think it was made in the very early nineties. The pilot aired and then it was like ripped off the air faster than you could possibly imagine.

Wait, when did it come out? In the 80s, did you say? I think it was the 90s. I think it was the 90s. But you can watch it on YouTube. Like the whole thing is up there. So it was a sitcom about the Hitlers. Like imagine if they had relocated to New York. And his wife is, you know, there's all kinds of Hitler jokes.

And he's like, Venice dinner, I'm starving! You know, and she'll be like, you and your temper, Adolf. Like, that's the big joke and stuff. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. That's an excellent premise for a sitcom novel.

It's better than being an idiot in five minutes or I'll gas you! Exactly. Oh my God. But when he comes home from work, he goes, Heil, honey, I'm home! And that's the intro joke,

sort of, that's it. Heil, honey, I'm home. So yeah, you intro joke, sort of, that's it. Hi honey, I'm home. So yeah, you can look it up. That is a real fucking TV show. Set in 1937. So before the war broke out. Jesus. Fuck me.

It's crazy. Was it like quite, was it supposed to be like a kind of comedy though? No, it was supposed to be like a comedy. Like they needed sitcoms. It was a bunch of like, you know, like Dad's Army. And there were a bunch of comedies around that time. Like, what was the other one? What was the one where they all had French?

Hello, Hello was the classic. Hello, Hello. Yeah, that one. That one's like the classic one too. I mean, that ran for a long time. And that was very kind of. It was okay to do that and be funny and stuff. But maybe not in the 90s.

Because like those were older shows, right? Like it was like 70s and 80s sort of thing. But then again like the same thing with charlie chaplin during world war ii doing his the great dictator and stuff like this you know this it's it's sometimes a good way to i don't know just comedy's always done this throughout the years though it's kind of look at look at south park or people parodying you know north korea what's that film recently in laden they used to parry parry yeah i mean these things are all all good good they're good things um but yeah i guess

maybe this one was just slightly slightly over the line maybe with i think it was just awful and it was it's incredibly poor taste it's very badly it's just terrible it's terrible yeah you're not wrong it sounds like something that instead of being a whole show would have been funny as like a like a mini clip inside a show right like like in an episode of seinfeld or something right like george reich this terrible exactly yeah yeah yeah like it's only funny ironically but i mean this was done as like a sitcom in that kind of 50s style like that sort of uh what was that one the honeymooners and stuff like that so it was meant to be that kind of it was meant to be a parody of that era but it was itself so ridiculous that i mean yeah yeah yeah but the guy who wrote it apparently wrote for

like spitting image and stuff like that so i can imagine being the kind of idea they came up with yeah i can imagine they came up with it in the pub and they thought this is brilliant and they pitched it to some drunk idiot we would come up with and think was absolutely hilarious. And then it turned out that all of the slightly older generation are like, this is very offensive to me. I'm writing a letter to the Daily Mail about it. I was Hitler's neighbour for three years and it was not as nice as it's made out to be in this show. History is being whitewashed by the liberal elite

hitler was a baddie and he never took the milk in so all of these public this is this exactly that things like taking the milk in is one of these things that should be lost in the midst of time right and i think a lot of these public information films are a mark of their time right here's one from 1974 called you might as well set a man trap okay and it's about okay danger of polishing up your wooden floor and then putting a rug over it you might as well set a man trap it's that dangerous if you polish your floor and then put a rug on it seriously that must have been a thing that people did. Yeah.

Like, regularly back then, it was a thing. There was one in 1969 called Running for a Bus. Like, hundreds of people are killed or injured every year running for buses just to save a few minutes. It's like, people run for buses all the time these days. Right, but remember, you could jump on the back of them then man nobody's running for a bus nowadays but it must have been no i are we talking about literally yesterday last night after like three steps like we're we're living the wally life now

everybody's got tom was late in the office i finished the live stream i went across we had a drink in the pub and he was like oh shit i've got to get back home because he's living with his mum now. He won't mind me telling him that. What, he's not living with Barry anymore? No, they broke up. What, they were living together? Yeah, him and Barry were living together for a bit. What went wrong? No, I don't know.

I just, I think it was just, they just decided to part ways for whatever reason. I don't think they fell out or whatever. They're sick and tired of blowing each other's dicks. They've just got really bored blowing each other's dicks. They just got really bored of each other's dicks. I think they might have got kicked out of the flat they were in and they couldn't find any place in time. So Tom's temporarily at his parents. And so he had to run for the bus.

And I was literally watching as he ran across the street to try and get to this bus and missed it in vain. And I was just like, oh, how terrible. Was it really awkward when he missed it and he looked across the street and you were watching him and you were just like smiling and you waved after the bus left and he was like, well, so now what? You just stood around like outside and just didn't really have much left

to say because that was like the big sort of like, see you later, I've got to catch my bus. Did you beep him with your ferrari as you drove home what a fucking asshole the kick up load of dust oh no i drove straight through a puddle right by him see you later sucker i mean see you tomorrow don't be late oh fuck you should get some punch cards for the office lewis that'd be hilarious what's a punch card oh you mean like without the punch in and out kicking yeah yeah i used to work at a place that had punch cards i thought they were pretty fucking cool actually yeah it did feel like you

were really at work when you yeah like just like in the cartoons like when bugs bunny got a job or something you'd have to go and punch in you know it's like fuck i'm like bugs bunny now yeah so like people would people would look at the punch card to see whether you were late or not right yeah and if you were late you you gotten you got like a verbal warning if you were too late like you know consistently late or whatever but then another thing that used to happen and it's i guess it's kind of the same as like in video games nowadays like i'm like i'm playing a lot of overwatch and there's a lot of emphasis on you know looking at people's stats and stuff right and like you know people get ranks and stars for ranks and stuff like that and similar to all of

that sort of um information we used to look at other people's punch cards to see like how much they worked that week and some people's punch cards were just like fucking jam-packed like you could not punch another time on that card you'd like you'd have to like turn it around and start punching on the back and stuff like it was there was so like jam-packed but we used to there was like a fine line between sort of saying holy shit this person has worked a lot this week and then there was like a fine line between sort of saying, holy shit, this person has worked a lot this week. And then there was like the people on the other side who would just punch in and out like every time they farted sort of thing, like for no reason. Like they're just like they would punch in and out just to go on a bathroom break or whatever. So like we'd make fun of those people.

Yeah, because they didn't actually work that much that week. They just like to punch in and out all the time for some reason. that much that week they just like to punch in and out all the time for some reason but then like some people you'd look at their punch cards like oh my god he worked for like eight hours straight without a break and stuff it's like the dumbest shit ever it was so funny though it's just such a weird system i think people punch in and out for other people that's the other thing like you'd say you yeah i mean nowadays you could organize it really easily with a mobile phone that was i was actually reading something uh some there was a thread on reddit about tell us what it was like in the 80s like what are the things that people would not really understand like if you were born in the 90s you grew up missing out on a whole bunch of stuff

dumb shit just dumb shit but just just everyday shit up with i mean nowadays people like oh my god i can't believe you live like that but it really wasn't that fucking bad it was still pretty fucking good but there was just little things like for instance someone pointed out people would just come to your house like people just like and you'd open the door oh it's so so and there would be you know it'd be like like a person would just arrive oh i was just stopping by i thought i'd stop by because i mean otherwise they'd have to find a phone booth to call you and say hey are you home so they would you might just call around and i used to have that all the time like my friends would just call around at the house now nobody fucking does that no that's true yeah i don't know what your kids the right age to have kids friends who would come call around or just

because what's what's what's two families of friends what's kids of friends i was just in and out of my friend's houses all the time right but that's the point i know but now they got phones they got facebook there's like social media and stuff like most kids i don't think do that anymore like we used to we used to we used to try to like phone each other on the phone but like there was like a cut off time in the evening where your parents were like oh no more phone tonight, and no more TV either. Yeah, you can't call after nine o'clock. That was the thing.

Nine o'clock always seemed to be, if I was going to call my friend, it had to be around 8, 8.30, and then we could be on the phone. Just wait and see if your own kids are old enough that you're going to be making up these rules. And you'll see why your parents made up these rules. Because it'll be like, no Facebook after 11 p.m., Cindy.

Okay. No watching porn. We don't want you getting groomed on there at 11 p.m., for Christ's sake. If you're going to get groomed, do it at a decent hour, for Christ's sake. Go to your friend's house and get groomed, for Christ's sake. Jeez. Don't put that cloud back here. For God's sake, have the decency to keep that cloud at Cindy's house.

If I was on the phone past 9 o'clock or whatever, sometimes I'd look i'd be like oh fuck i'm gonna have to get off the phone soon but like let's just stay on the phone for as long as we can and then my mom would like pick up the other line like from downstairs and be like you on the phone still yeah yeah time to come off the phone oh fuck fuck i gotta get off the phone i'll see you tomorrow it was just it's just like the thing that you did back then sort of thing another thing that we did a lot of i don't know if you had this uh flex but early in the morning sometimes before you went to school or whatever nowadays like you don't expect anybody coming around your house like early early in the morning but like back then you'd have people like knocking on your door every once in a while saying like oh my mom sent me over can we borrow some

sugar or yeah borrow a bag of milk or whatever like people used to like trade household goods all the time that's how i got paid when i was a kid chickens chickens and uh my weight in corn that was the uh the exchange so like in this in the suburbs like there's convenience stores and stuff but they're not massively convenient like you know they're like 15 minute walk away or whatever so you tended to just do your grocery shopping once a week and shit closed people don't remember shit closed and that was that true yeah you didn't have 24 7 stuff most stuff actually shut at a normal time yeah it's like an off license that would be open yeah but that's it like your average

shop would close at 5 5 30 and that was that and there was nothing on a fucking sunday sundays were dead literally yeah sundays yeah i remember that actually i remember i remember when stuff started opening sundays and then i remember being kind of like in my teens and then uh that was the first time really it was like oh fuck you know home dep know, Home Depot is open 24-7 now. We drive by, we'd be like, who the fuck is going to go buy lumber at like four in the morning? But people fucking do. It's crazy. I don't get it.

But I don't even know how it makes financial sense for them to have a store open all night and pay people and stuff. You can't be the shop that's not like the american businesses like if you think about restaurants in in the states every single restaurant serves gigantic portions even if they wouldn't want to and they know restaurant wants to give you more food than you can eat right because it's a waste for them and and for you and and for the planet of course so they but they can't not give you a giant stack of food. Let's not forget the planet. Yeah, what about the planet, Mr. Restaurant Owner?

Well, I wouldn't care about the planet if my fucking neighbors cared about it. Are you hearing me, Applebee's, you sons of bitches? Like they're all in a row. You go to the one street in the town in America and there's like a dozen restaurants on each side. They're all the same. They all have a fucking huge car park.

They all have the exact same layout. You go in and whatever you order, it's going to be vast because you can't be the one restaurant on that block who people are going, yeah, it's not bad, but small portions. Because even if you can't finish it,

if you're hungry, you're going to go somewhere where you know you're going to get more food than you can eat. That's the attitude, I think. So they all give you these fucking huge portions. It's if you can't finish it, if you're hungry, you're going to go somewhere where you know you're going to get more food than you can eat. That's the attitude, I think. So they all give you these fucking huge portions. It's all the same fucking food. And, you know, it's like there's no point offering less.

It's like a game theory shit, I think. Yeah. I fucking, what about a buffet, though? I love a buffet. I only like a Chinese food buffet. Yeah, I know. It's like a staple from my childhood. I remember it always being like this big thing. Like, oh, we're going to go have Chinese food buffet yeah i know it's like a staple from my childhood i remember it always being like this big thing like oh we're gonna go have chinese food buffet tonight yeah

fuck i'm not eating all day i'm not gonna eat a goddamn thing all day because i want to fucking go crazy at that buffet i just want to eat and then you get there and all the shit's full of msg and it fills you up so quick you have like one plate and you're like i'm a bit disappointed i thought i'd get like five plates but i'm full and then five minutes later after you leave the restaurant i'm fucking starving yeah that's how you're gonna take your sweet time i need to eat again god damn yeah there's a chinese buffet place near my dad in florida and it's uh i mean it's exactly what you think it's gonna be it's like yeah it's like takeaway food basically but because it's like foreign cuisine it feels acceptable to eat all this deep fried stuff oh man i love it they fucking branched out big time

too because i remember like we used to go to a couple and we went to this one that was huge like it could literally seat like a thousand people right and like the the buffet thing was like not just a line it was like was like a horseshoe shape. It went all around like this whole restaurant. It was fucking huge. But like it wasn't just Chinese food. They had like pizza. They had fries.

Like they had hot dogs and like burgers and ice cream and stuff. And it was like, oh, it was pretty good. I often feel like, you know, when you see those curry houses or like a Chinese restaurant where they do chips. Yeah. And like there's a lot of the chinese places around here do fish and chips because it's just you just need a deep fat fry for that and obviously they have one for for quite a lot of the deep fat stuff you know the deep fried stuff you get with chinese food they can just well we'll fucking put a fish in

there and we can do fish and chips as well and the thing with chips is like you can have it with any and they're so good like i can eat chips just for every meal for the rest of my life. I fucking love chips, man. I fucking love them. Holy shit, they're good. But you kind of feel like, who's going to a Chinese restaurant and having chips? You know who's doing that? Who?

It's me. Oh, it's you. I fucking love them. Do you actually get chips? Sometimes I'll just get a plate just to start with. I'll just get a full plate of just chips and just be like, oh,'s great and then I'll go up and get like other stuff after it's tricky to be a vegetarian I've noticed this as well so for example like you know I was walking home last night past McDonald's and I was like oh man there was a time when I'd go in there and like just have a quick

like buy a quick hamburger and feel really bad about it but like a cheeseburger like a 99 cent cheeseburger yeah there was a time when when that was a thing that i did um but now i've like tried to follow the path of the vegetarian with sips and it's like i could pop in and have some chips if i wanted but i thought it would just be really awkward to go in there and say can i have some chips and so i so i didn't and i'm like maybe i maybe i should have done i don't know man one of my friends when we were growing up it was it was weird because like his his mom and dad um separated i don't know if they fully divorced until like much later on but they they separated anyway and and the dad went and lived in a in an apartment downtown and then his mom still had like the house in the suburbs he had like a brother and a sister as well so there's

like three kids and this mom living and then so the dad would come down on the weekends and pick them up and they'd go to like his apartment or whatever for the weekend sometimes and stuff and um and everybody loved this guy's dad right because he would fucking sometimes like if you were lucky enough you'd get to go like uh with with this guy to his dad's apartment for the weekend and it was like it was like you like when you're a kid it wasn't like we went there we fucking drank and we did all this shit it was awesome no it was just like you you got to go there you stayed up all weekend playing nintendo and his big thing was he would take you to mcdonald's drive-thru okay and he wouldn't take orders or anything

he would just buy like 40 99 cent cheeseburgers and hamburgers like just a mountain of these things and that's all you would eat all weekend it's just like these fucking disgusting cheeseburgers and but it was amazing oh it was it was the best it was just like a kid's dream yeah that's it you He would rent Nintendo games. We would stay up all fucking weekend playing Nintendo games. And we'd just have a mountain of cheeseburgers. And we were done. That was it.

Honestly, it was awesome. Nowadays, I could see a creepy clown in front of a big fucking... Like a big tray, a Ferrero Rocher style tray of cheeseburgers all piled up. In fact, it's the fucking McDonald's creepy clown. What's his name? Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald. They got rid of him. They put him on hiatus while this clown shit's going on. They moved on. Ronald coming here.

A load of kids holding a Nintendo. Come on in, kids. Because when you were a kid, that was like heaven. We got Nintendo and cheeseburgers. It's like paradise in here, kids. like come out come on in kids because when you were a kid that was like heaven we got nintendo and cheeseburgers when we were kids we had um because like we've been going to a lot of kids parties recently because my son's like in reception right right like like basically all day kindergarten interrupt

you for a second i know that both you and your wife hate going to them and so you sort of either have to take turns or you know like draw lots to see you have to go to this hellish event and and i'll spend a lot of time sitting around thinking of ways to get out of them yeah like this morning we had like a half hour powwow trying to think of how we're going gonna get out of one this saturday because it's just like oh fuck i can't do it we've every weekend for the past like three months it fucking sucks kids parties yes yeah but kids parties now are are crazy like they're they're really um there's like there's there's a big industry built up around this stuff yeah yeah and when i was a kid it wasn't so much the case like you go to a pizza place or you go to mcdonald's with like five or six friends boom there's your fucking birthday party we might go bowling or whatever yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah we used to go to this

specific mcdonald's when i was a kid and it had outside of the the restaurant it had like this this old like train okay but it was like all mcdonald's themed and everything and so in in the actual caboose of the train it was like a party room for for kids parties did you just say the word caboose caboose yeah so so the mcdonald's caboose you'd go to it that's where the kids party would be okay and you get to eat all this fucking mcdonald's and ronald mcdonald himself would like come in and be like do his fucking little thing or whatever and it was it was cool like it was like a really fun party to go to like the first like one or two times you did it but everybody had their fucking party there so after you've been there a million times you fucking hated it but the kaboom it was

like it was like a like a big play area it was like a glorified inside a train play area so it had like these sliding poles you could get go up a level and slide down these poles fireman style and stuff and it was it was like pretty cool but like nowadays but like parties are crazy like that they have all these like padded climbing jungle gym things and and the amount of food that they bring out for like for like a four-year-old kid. Like you're talking, you know, like American restaurant portions. Right. You know, like just like a mountain of fries with like all this fried fucking chicken and all this shit. And you're just like, oh, my God.

And there's like 30 screaming kids all like stuffing their faces with this stuff and drinking juice and mixing juice with ice cream and oh my god it's it's chaos it's fucking pandemonium probably pretty fun if you're four though so this is what you're doing at the moment this is what's happening at the moment this is what's yeah this is what the mountain of like fried stuff and i was at a party last weekend i i'm not even joking okay this kid who was like older than all the other kids i think think it was like a brother or something. He's like 15. It was at a pub. Okay. But the pub, half of the pub is dedicated to having this gigantic padded jungle gym for kids to just go fucking buck wild on. Okay.

So like adults go there, have a couple of pints or whatever, unleash their kids in this jungle gym or whatever. But it's all set up for kids parties too. So you can book it all. They make them food and everything. So this kid comes out. or whatever but it's it's it's all set up for for kids parties too so you can book it all they they make them food and everything so this kid comes out like they just finished eating cake and everything and they they had like another 20 minutes on the jungle gym before the party was done right so they they had cake and ice cream and there was all this shit happened like kids were fucking putting like globs of ice cream into like their juice and mixing it up and it was really gross

and they were doing cake putting cake in as well they're like feral they were like fucking feral okay they're having all this shit and then i go and sit down and my son goes back on the jungle gym or whatever i'm like all right 20 more minutes and get out of here and then this kid just comes out of nowhere and he's like with his little sister and he's like hey hey cindy you want to do something crazy i was like what the fuck is this this guy's like five years old okay it's like with his little sister and he's like hey hey cindy you want to do something crazy i was like what the fuck is this this guy's like five years old okay it's like you want to do something crazy she's like what it's he goes to the table and he picks up one of those sugar pouches you know like the you know like the the ones that you just open up and put in like a coffee or whatever

yeah he grabs one he's like watch this we go crazy. Opens it up and just fucking pounds it back. Like just this whole pack of sugar. Takes it. Acting like he's just done drugs or whatever. He's like, all right, let's go. And then off they went. I never saw him again. I don't even know if he's alive still.

It's like an American psycho. It was fucking insane. I don't even know. It's like Patrick Bateman. Fucking, oh, just, oh, holy shit. That's amazing you got you you have to come over and you have to accompany me to one of these don't like you need to it's death they are the worst i don't go i don't go i get my wife to take the kids no don't do it and we could so easily bring you along it's not creepy or anything it would be weird it would be weird

it's not a pedophile at all he's my friend from bristol he's fine he's a lebanese refugee he's lebanese he doesn't understand english oh it's for real though if you if you want an experience come to a kid's park fuck me i think kids could kind of like like like they can detect the like anxiety and naivety surrounding me though because i know like after about 10 minutes i would be like they would be like climbing on my face they'd be like pulling my hair they'd be like like dressing me up it would be like it would be a nightmare you know on you trying to shit on you as well they do that oh man what the fuck one one kid there i i think had a history of pissing on a cat one time what the fuck are you here through the grapevine you're

like yeah little jimmy uh he's a pisser. He pissed on his cat last night. What? Jimmy, what the fuck are you doing? Jimmy, what are you doing up there? Are you pissing on that cat again? I hear water running, Jimmy. Mr. Whiskers. Turn off. Mr. Whiskers, come here.

He smells of piss. Jimmy, to your room. Leave the piss cat alone. What? What is that Is that a shit stain on Mr. Whiskers Jimmy You've been wiping your ass with the cat again

You're a piece of shit Poor Mr. Whiskers He's a member of this family Jimmy And you're pissing and shitting on him It's not toilet paper Jimmy Jeez Fucking hell Holy shit So I'm imagining it now like some sort of Roman It's not toilet paper, Jimmy. Jeez. Fucking hell.

Holy shit. So I'm imagining it now like some sort of Roman fucking orgy of, you know. But like the shittest Roman orgy ever. Imagine hell. Hell isn't like what people think. It's not underground with pools of lava and fire and stuff. It's your worst possible situation you could ever imagine that is like real to you and and can happen to you and i think some people when they go to hell are condemned to an eternity of kids parties i'm convinced yeah and and fuck them for

being bad people okay they deserve it but that is definitely a fresh yeah you'd kind of pity them after a while i think just the endless shrieking and what they the shit they think is funny kids the kids get a little fucking joke like one of them goes poopy poop and they go and that's his fucking shtick for the whole party we get it we get it you said poopy poop or you learn to say fart and you said poopy poop or you learned to say fart and you make a fart noise or you walk up behind a grown-up and you make a fart noise you know it's funny the first two times all right but that's all they fucking do and then they they all they have a pack mentality naturally children they're like a pack like mice right they're just

you know they're all running around together like crazy and i i think sometimes they get it in their head that they're just it's it's free reign that's it it's the end of days it's chaos and they just they just get it in their head to just go nuts and well that's excitement right right but the stuff that they do isn't like really dangerous or funny or crazy it's just annoying like you'll just have to clear this shit up or apologize to people i'm sorry i'm sorry about it yeah no we'll pay extra for the the cat that he pissed on and you know we are very sorry and stuff you know it's it's just awful play for the therapy when adults get excited they they do lsd and like jump off a roof or whatever and that's like kids just do annoying shit and then the tears like there'll be kids that fall out they cry there's two yellows who fucking cares like i remember one of my uh one

of my daughter's uh friends at school he comes up to us we're dropping the kids off at school me and one of my neighbors uh we're just chatting away and uh the kid comes up and he says he's crying and uh his dad says what what's the matter and he says he's crying. And his dad says, well, what's the matter? And he says, well, the other kid said my Pokemon cards are fake. He said they're fake Pokemon cards. And I wanted to grab him and say, just tell him to go fuck themselves. Who fucking cares? Just turn to that fucking piece of shit playground asshole kid and say, go fuck yourself.

What the fuck do you know you're like eight years old fuck you but then you can't you have to say oh look sweet there you know they just they don't know and the cards aren't fake and just try to ignore what they say i really want to say to my daughter just tell him to go fuck themselves and just be done with it like seriously if you get in trouble i'll fucking take the heat for that i'll tell the teacher yeah i told her to go tell little timmy to go fuck himself what are you gonna do about it go fuck yourself teach all right son son you're young you're young and you don't understand but let let daddy tell you something that johnny he's a cunt yeah he's a cunt he's a real cunt if you tell him right to his face you fucking pull him

over to one side lower your voice you fucking cunt if you you fucking talk shit about my fucking pokemon cards again you can't i'm gonna fucking end you you understand you want to go you want to go to the fucking box factory and work 30 fucking hours a day you son of a fucking bitch yeah i bought him fake pokemon cards i can't afford the real thing you fucking you fucking judging me john? You fucking, I'll fucking wring your neck with my bare fucking hands, bitch. I'll punch your fucking time card,

Jimmy, right here and now, you son of a bitch. Fuck you. That's what you want to do. No, that is, yeah.

Some kids are fucking brutal and they're little shits as well, like to each other. Man, like, I like this party. Again, it's three of them

banded together. And one of them had like this fucking map that he got out of a goodie bag or whatever. And he decided that it's just him and two other kids that are gonna be part of the map club. And like, my son's pretty cool about that kind of stuff. Like he just like, he's off doing his own thing. Right, right.

And stuff, and it's great. Like he could care fucking less about shit that's happening like in those terms but i'm sitting there watching this other kid try to get into the map team that these other three had had oh yeah you're not allowed in the map team so fucking shitty to him like just relentlessly shitty to him and and the kid was just like on the on the verge of crying yeah his his mom is like fucking on facebook like at the other end of the pub just like on her phone or whatever

couldn't give a shit and this kid is just like about to have like one of the most like traumatic experiences of his childhood because he can't get onto this map team with these other kids it's tragic they're really brutal to each other. They are. They are very, very cruel. Especially if they notice another child is excluded, they won't include them. They won't, like, there's no effort.

Kids will be like, he must have been excluded for a reason. Like, there must be something wrong with this child. And I want to distance myself from them. It doesn't smell right.

Is this kid wearing a diaper? Disgusting. He's weird. His fucking Pokemon are fake. He smells like wearing a diaper he's weird he's fucking pokemon or fake he smells like a blend of cat and piss it smells like he's wiped his ass with a cat yeah holy shit so uh the dad chat has been real today hasn't it yeah it's been do you want to segue into nuclear weapons now no like the time no bizarrelyrely, after we finished the last podcast, you told us a little story about a kid who was,

I don't know if I should say it, but some of the amazing, like these stories about like, it's just life though, isn't it? Right. Well, it's just with with kids you never know what's going to come out of them and where that's all i'm going to say like pissing on a cat you could you know in a million years would you imagine that that is a scenario you'd have to deal with but some for some people it's very real there was a there was a nanny that i knew uh when i used to

take uh one of the kids to play group. The other mums never spoke to me. I'd go to the play group. I'd be the only dad there. And the mums would like, it would be like I'd farted in assembly, right? At my school, if you farted in assembly, there'd be like a ring around you with no people because everyone gets away from you. So you're left in the middle. So I kind of felt like I must have farted and not realized it because they wouldn't have come anywhere near me like the only weirdo guy

at this play group but the nannies didn't give a shit because they were they didn't want to talk to the mums because they work for mums they want to be able to bitch about the mums so they talked to me so that was pretty much the only group of people i spoke to so i so so there's a bunch of kids there's a bunch of there's you six a bunch of, there's you, six foot sub three or something. I'm six foot. Just a big beacon, right? Surrounded by all these nannies who are like, oh, oh, interesting man.

No, no, no. I'm not making out like I was some magnetic fucking. Salute. For nannies. It's just that, like the playgroups is generally, you sit around the outside of a big room or a hall and the kids all play in the middle and you sit on the outside of a big room or a hall, and the kids all play in the middle, and you sit on the outside, and you have a cup of tea.

And I'd just read the paper, or I'd sit there just staring into space and wishing I was dead. Like some sort of 1930s dad. Yeah, of course. Yes, the stock market is up today, Doris. We should sell our shares of General Electric. Darling, darling, come here. Make a note for daddy.

Sell 500 shares of Quadian Steel immediately. Did you hear this thing about the new fridge? It's got a class on it. I just saw Jimmy breaking in there. Guys, I'm at a fucking playgroup reading the paper. What's so weird? They're painting me as some kind of Victorian gentleman. No, I totally sympathise sympathize yeah what are you gonna

do what are you gonna do watch the worst is when you're at one and you don't have a fucking paper and yeah you're just staring like fuck now i gotta watch them play oh they'll bring me toys daddy here hold this teddy bear yeah they think you're available to like join in right because you don't have anything else to do exactly come and come come and come and hold my hand while i try to just fucking balance yeah just do it if you fall off you'll learn from the experience good luck climb up again yeah so anyway just don't go on that one just sit down somewhere or something geez oh it's awful so anyway you'd eventually get chatting to people like you know because they're bored out of their minds so they'll talk to you so i've was chatting to one of these nannies and she was telling me this is a

really long story for no reason by the way i was chatting to this nanny and she said to me that the kid she was looking after she was like i was like which kids are you looking after she's like i've got like these four here i was like holy shit she's like yeah it's really rough but you know it pays well you don't feel four kids look after she said the only problem is this kid i was like what's wrong with this kid she goes he's he's obsessed with his own shit like he's obsessed and all he does is they get back to her house because it's at her house and he'll do a shit in his nappy and then he just reaches down the back and starts fucking spreading it all over the place on the walls the furnishing all the toys and she's out of the room for like two minutes comes back in shit everywhere and she's like this is every day i have to deal

with this that's why that's why boarding school exists because i think when you get past all that you're like you know what i'm done you you you need to be right with me now go make shit at the school and see how they do that's it it's someone else's fucking problem now i'm done with all this shit it's just disgusting i mean if my kid did that i'd be like i mean there must be a returns policy on this fucking thing i'd be i'd be really disappointed if my kid imagine that you want someone i mean if my mom there would have to be an intense period of reform in my child's life i think beatings beatings well i don't know and you're not allowed but you know you should be yeah you should in certain cases i think beatings beatings well i don't know you're not allowed but you know you should be

yeah you should in certain cases i think the judge would be like that's a bit too much that's fair whip them i think it's one thing to look after your own kids it's a hard job man i would never willingly walk into a position where i had to look after other people's fucking kids like holy kill me the thing is it does it does pay well and i mean like for instance it does it does it's not worth it though i don't think so i don't think so for the pain like i see the full-time nannies and i see how strung out they are and it's like they're on the front line i'm gonna give you a million dollars but you have to look after these five kids for a period of time until they're older or whatever i'd say i'm fine yeah i would i would i

legit i would turn down a million dollars to look after like five kids fuck that it'd be awful jesus this one likes to piss on cats uh this one's a shit smearer uh this one he's a murderer his own submarines in the bathtub watch out for that one it's a million bucks though i'd run yeah i would run there's no way okay i think there needs to be like a bit of balance here because currently i don't know is it a mark of our times though that you guys uh hell no kids are timeless they're always a big pain in the ass it doesn't matter yeah nowadays we have to spend more time with kids like in the past if you were if you were mobile the front door was open to you you know knock yourself out there's a world

out there enjoy it stay out of the fridges don't go in the sewer and uh it's hard like it's hard for dads nowadays too because you've got to get involved now like back in like the 30s and 40s you didn't fucking have to do shit like it was enough you went off and you worked at the stapler factory or whatever and you came home at five o'clock and you had your fucking shirt and tie on and you took your shoes off and you put your feet up and you know the kids would already be in bed like five o'clock and stuff those those days sadly your wife was forced to cook dinner for you you were allowed to still be a grumpy piece of shit about it it's a little tough tonight god damn it how much fucking milk

did you put in these mashed potatoes you're fucking retarded or something jeez you're a lazy bitch whoa yeah the good old days the good old days The good old days, that's right Oh, we're awful people, Jesus Christ How's Jimmy's tuberculosis doing today? Margaret Jimmy died six months ago Yeah, well, I've been working a lot of overtime Got a lot on my mind These bills don't pay them fucking self, jeez

The boss is right up my ass How does that do delivery in Staples? Where's the goddamn mashed potato? It's coming! Shit! The good old days. Fuck me. That's fucking funny.

My God. I wish, though. And and you know what not full time but like maybe one day a week i wish that we were allowed to be like that like i wish that you could like role play like a 1930s family one day a week that'd be fucking sweet holy shit that would be fucking sweet. Holy shit, that would be so good. I mean, honestly, you'd have to convince your wife, honey, I know that like, we're equal partners in marriage now, but just give me one seventh of my life just being a fucking piece of shit,

awful husband, terrible dad. Just one day a week. Wednesday. How about Wednesday? Middle of the week week breaks it up nicely i'll just come home i'll expect dinner on the table oh my god yeah jesus and i'll read my paper while i'm eating rather than talk to you that's that's the way it'll be i don't want to watch a football god damn it and uh holy shit yeah they did that too didn't they they read the paper

at the dinner table and nobody could talk i mean fuck me what happened oh shit where did we go wrong like we had it we had it we lost it they call it progress We're ruined You know you fucking dads didn't even go Into like maternity or anything My dad was at work When I was born Mine was too

I was in one of those like fucking rooms With like 50 babies In little incubators My dad like 5 days later Came by to see me like fuck oh my god what happened like i i saw fucking children come out of my wife yeah yeah i was there i was there god damn it oh god fuck me man they really knew what they were fucking doing dads back then they really had it on lockdown they had it they had it sewn up they did

fuck no wonder women were so fucking furious once they realized holy shit there's another way we can get these fucking lazy pieces of shit involved oh my god we got such a bad name we did from all that fucking assholes they ruined it we're living we're living with the consequences. We are. Oh, shit. Anyway, on a lighter note. Is there anything good? There's one thing that we've decided. I think I can share this, right? Collectively, we decided that when we talk about video games together, it's like a trigger for depressing talk, right?

And one thing we said last week was, let's try to keep things a bit upbeat. Let's not try to talk about depressing shit, okay? Yeah. And maybe a way to avoid that is by saying, opening up every once in a while on the podcast saying, what have you been up to recently? Because it's like, straight away, we'll start talking about video games. Right, right. And then we'll start talking about depressing shit or whatever. But on a lighthearted note, I have been up to something this week. What have you been doing i would like i would like to announce to you that i installed a clothes error

in my backyard and all i had to do was just drive this gigantic fucking piece of metal into the ground that has a hole in it and then pop in the clothesline thing and boom can just fucking you know what's great about it though what's though? What's the action like on that puppy? Is it spinning well? It spins. Yeah, it spins. The wind can spin it around too. So it's like an outdoor tumble dryer basically.

Beautiful. Once the wind gets it, yeah. So this thing is up. You wash your clothes. You put them out there and you know what? You don't feel like bringing them in for a couple of days? Who fucking cares? It's fine.

It rains. It's just rain. Who cares? dry again don't dry again yeah yeah and then you don't have mountains of clothes in the house or anything but your backyard looks like a circus because every color under the rainbow and it's laughing around clowns everywhere people dress as clowns so so this this piece of metal that i had to drive into the ground was like about two feet long right and um we had to like get this big block of wood and a sledgehammer put the block of wood on top of this this metal like it's like it's like a gigantic spike with like a hole in the middle yeah like the clothesline is it called a spigot or something like that i don't know something like that yeah it's huge. So we get this big block of wood.

Like I did this with my father-in-law. He brings over this big block of wood and sledgehammer. And he's like, all right, you hold the wood and I'll slam it down. Okay. And it wasn't just like one slam and it was in. It was like 10 minutes of, you know, repeated slamming this thing into the ground. And my God, holding a block of wood that's being hit by a sledgehammer really fucking hurts actually yeah my fingers are still vibrations and shit yeah it's

really bad yeah you weren't wearing your your sledging gloves you gotta get i didn't know i left them at the staple factory so i didn't have them honey where's my sledge where's my sledging gloves i don't know you didn't wash my sledging gloves? I don't know, sweetie. You didn't wash my sledging gloves? I put them right here on the dresser. Right here on the dresser. Next to my money clip. And it's gone.

Next to my chewing tobacco. Honey, where's my goddamn chewing tobacco? Where's my pipe? Those kids. So yeah, so that's what i've been up to in case anyone was gonna ask i feel like especially proud of myself it's like a real dad thing so now we've got one and it's and it's like we always should have had one you know we've lived here for like two years we haven't had a clothesline outside and now just feels complete

nice yeah i hung a. I hung a picture. I hung a picture two days ago. It had been sat in the bathroom for two weeks. My wife had the picture. She would remind me every day, could you hang that picture? I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do it. And I just forget. And so finally, just out of nowhere, I hung the picture.

She hasn't noticed yet. She hasn't noticed that it's hung. Like I hung it in the bathroom. She hasn't noticed. The best though is if she's like, she's like, she's mad at you for something else. Okay.

Yeah. Or like disappointed. Oh, I'll save it. Yeah. And then, yeah. And then she'll be like,

and you still haven't hung up that fucking picture. You'll be like, you know what? Actually, baby, I did hang it up. Get up, bitch.

Get up and come with me right now. We're going upstairs. We're going to a little fucking town. Come with me. What's that? What's that on the fucking wall? It's a picture. You're going upstairs. We're going to a little fucking town. Come with me. What's that? What's that on the fucking wall? It's the picture. You're fucking right.

And you get to be right. Even if it's like, why didn't you pay the mortgage for the last three months? Well, I hung that fucking picture, didn't I, bitch? Right there. You were wrong about that.

So that makes the other points that were entirely correct. I'm going to ignore those now. That's right. Argument one. So what have you been up to, Lewis? My life is a non-stop thrill ride. When I don't have kids to worry about, you know I'm making the most of this time.

You better be. Oh, boys. I'm just... You better be. Boys, I'm just... You better be. It's crazy. Are you jerking it multiple times a day or what? Around the clock. Oh, great.

I'm proud of you, son. Keep it up. It's raw. I'm just, you know, getting through three bottles of oil a week. Just remember, you're not just doing it for one person. You're doing it for all three of us. We need this. You know what I mean? This is like a fucking team effort here, dude. I'm thinking about you when I'm doing it. Yeah, think about us when you're not just doing it for one person. You're doing it for all three of us. Like, we need this. You know what I mean?

This is like a fucking team effort here, dude. I'm thinking about you when I'm doing it. Yeah, think about us when you're doing it, please. What kind of oil? Like canola oil? Fucking engine oil. Like proper... Castrol.

I use it on my hair as well. Castrol GTX oil. A man's lube. If it's good enough for my car, it's good enough for me. It's good enough for my car it's good enough for me oh my god so somebody somebody mentioned something lewis and i hope you have done it i don't know if you had somebody said well wasn't lewis meant to write the next episode of bodega oh yeah i haven't had a chance to be flexed i'm so sorry okay i really do want to write one. But I am kind of trying to put together a campaign, a D&D campaign, okay, but in the setting of 1980s style-y.

So I bought this book because I have a thing for things that were written in the year I was born, which is 1983. Last year on the Christmas Livest stream we did a one of these adventure books the game books that you used to have as a kid yeah we did one of them on the live stream that was from 1983 and i found a advent a dnd adventure in the traveler universe which is kind of a spacey kind of um pathfinder dnd setting and that that that was written the adventure was written in 1983 and i think that would be it's it's terrible yep you know the it's it's terrible but i think if i can

blend a bit of that with a bit of bodega yeah yeah i'd love to sort of run a kind of that universe oh that'd be awesome we need what we need though from what i need sort of from you is more of a kind of a not necessarily a bible but almost like a kind of a guidebook a style guide a style guide okay like a universe guide to okay what the state of the universe of bodega is right so can you describe that for me now like in your own words it would that would take a little a little work okay i need to think about it galaxy yeah yeah and yeah well i mean i can tell you uh the state of bodega because i have written part seis has been written oh oh has it okay well let's we'll just listen to that but i think yeah if i was that was it cinco last week it was yeah like a list of like for example

if you were going to play uh the bodega role-playing game right what what what alien races would i be able to use i guess we need like Spalupians. Yeah, there's the Vermanians. The Flarv. The Shrovians. Or is that a swear word? Flarv is just a swear word. But there's a whole bunch of them. The Morkbeast.

The Flarv and Shrovians. There's a Morkbeast, of course. I'll go through it and I'll pull out all the stuff. The Spalupians are 100% in there, yeah. Okay, and I'll generate... And is Bodega human? Yes, I think Bodega's human, yeah. So that's going to be an

important sticking point as well the human race has encountered other races as well if you want to do like an origins piece or something you know yep yeah well yeah i'm more interested in what the state of the universe is like and what these aliens are like is earth still a thing does it still exist yeah it still exists of course it's still yeah okay all right yeah i'll do a bodega style guide for you i'll do that okay and then i can i can make up some stats and then we can generate some characters and we can play some fucking bodega dnd okay cool what i really need to do is like my current dream i was thinking a fun thing to do would be to get like barry to finally get into like an image what these different races look like so

it's a yeah that's what i'll do yeah a bit like um a police photo fit you know just describe the mork beast to me well it's big you know and it's furry and stuff so it would be good we could get some images down for what these things look like i imagine them to look like those like dog things in ghostbusters oh really i was thinking they were more like two big furry balls, like Snuffleupagus, but without a tusk. They've just got a fuckload of teeth. I thought that would be kind of...

That dude's got his tongue out like all the time, too. Yeah, what the fuck? Like a big furry ball sack. Like two big hairy testicles, one of which has teeth. Like gremlins before they become like the gross ones.

Right, right. Like the little... But huge and furious. Little Furbies, yeah. A huge and furious little furbies yeah a huge furious furby yeah wow yeah if you yeah if you could hook me up with all that that would be awesome okay then i can yeah all right let's say for bodega part sex seis seis seis seis are you ready drum roll yeah yeah okay. Fucking board ready. Part 6. Huffing and puffing like an old-timey steam engine,

Benny the orderly wheeled Bodega out onto the veranda overlooking the grounds of the prison on Pentar 9. He set the brake on the wheelchair and leant against the railings, catching his breath. Pushing this thing around was hell on his back. Phew. Okay, old-timer, here we are. Now, what are we looking for, said Benny. Bodega wheezed alongside Benny. There's a star I'm

looking for, croaked the ancient convict. A star for your 300th birthday, huh, said Benny, kneeling beside him and peering up. He glanced at Bodega, whose face was knotted with concentration. Can't see nothing, he said finally, before turning his head slowly to Benny. His eyes still had that Bodega sparkle, but he also smelt badly of urine, so it balanced out. I love this so much, really. Let's head on down, old-timer. They'll be bringing out your cake soon, said Benny, as he stood and began fiddling with the brake lever on the chair. As the wheels pivoted to take them back to the elevator, Bodega took one last glance at the constellations above.

There! A bright blue star, brighter than a lasgun beam. It had no place where it was, right in that area of space known as the Dark Rift, a vast area totally devoid of matter. Some said there'd been once thousands of stars and hundreds of worlds in that gap, before some insane and ancient mega-war had emptied the corner of the galaxy. And now there was a star. Bodega turned to Benny. Benny, that star there, you see it? Benny looked. Yeah, yeah, I see it, man, I see it. You know what that star means? said Bodega, smiling. Heh, why don't you tell me, pard? It means... Something, said Bodega,

looking lost in the thick fog of age. Downstairs at the party, Benny left Bodega at one end of a long table while he went to get the cake. There were no guests. It was a single paper plate and a plastic fork, a napkin, a plastic cup of water. Bodega was held into the wheelchair

with metal restraints at his wrists, elbows, knees, ankles, neck, and around his waist, Benny would have to feed him the cake. Benny was great. Benny was a real star. Real star, said Bodega. Then he froze. He looked at the plate, at his hands, at the fork. Then he closed his eyes.

Benny re-entered the room, just in time for it to explode into a million bright white shards of light, along with Benny. Bodega was lying in what looked like a stasis pod. He was restrained in reality, just like he was in that illusory sim world he'd been stuck in. For how long? How long had he been under? He was as naked as a quadian,

a people known for being naked. And not just naked, but really in your face, think nothing of it, bending down to pick up a penny and giving you an eyeful naked. He focused, focused hard on that corner of his brain where the implant was, the minute implant that had maybe saved his life. That implant was inserted into his brain a decade ago by his then girlfriend, Majesta.

She was a psychic being of nearly limitless power who'd looked into his soul one day and decided that actually it wasn't her It was him and they should break up She took his dog Convincing it telepathically that she would be the better owner That was the real heartbreaker thought Bodega Oh my god Anyway the implant was her idea

He remembered her words Bodega my love I've given you a part of my power I've hidden it in your mind Buried deep in the corner you never use. Just next to your pity and your mercy, you'll find me. If you're ever lost in the darkness, if your mind is not your own, look for me, your bright blue star in the void. That implant did more than send him a signal. It was also one of the most perfect prison escape packages ever devised. It was the high-tech equivalent of the old file hidden in a cake trick.

packages ever devised. It was the high-tech equivalent of the old file-hidden-in-a-cake trick. He needed to crush the implant with his actual brain. He had to use every muscle and sinew in his brain to crush the implant and release its power. Come on, you fucker, pop! thought Bodega.

And with titanic effort, pop it did. He saw stars. Then he saw waves of energy all around him, knowing their composition and their purpose, their origin and their future all at once. While the effects of the implant were in full force, he was at one with the universe. He could shape matter, move through it, bend it to his will. He melded right up out of the pod, hanging in the air like some deity, and orderly working the night shift, dropped his cup of synth tea and ran out of the room screaming. Burg Dagger didn't have long before the effects of the implant wore off. He could sense his ship about 200 meters below him,

and he pivoted in the air and dived straight down through the decks of the station. He realized he was now on. He could sense all the panic. He could see the past and future of every particle and every living person nearby, and he could feel their emotions and their thoughts. It was overwhelming. He focused on the one thing he needed, the disco volante. In a moment, he was there, floating in its lounge area. He rematerialized and quickly put on a spare spacesuit. Firing up the engines, he focused one more time and deleted the cargo bay doors from existence. The ship was blown out into space, along with dozens of dock workers. He fired up the engines and plotted a course for somewhere far away, and slammed the hyperspace button with his palm.

The disco volante hung motionless for a moment before it became a single streak of light pointing straight into the void. The end. Bodega. Wow. Oh, Bodega. Bodega. God, that was a glorious Bodega.

That was a really good one. Thank you. So we missed out. I leave all these gaps because i i can go back and fill them in later and also because people like to write all this fans fiction and stuff so i want to leave all these gaps like the trial of bodega that has to happen now what happened at the trial of bodega how did he end up in prison planet i mean we know that there was that operation in the last one to capture him but uh why didn't they just filling

in the blanks is fun though yeah you can do you know you can do like the what they're doing with star wars you know exactly movie you can just have a little side it's just like star wars it's just like stories yeah do like uh like a little better yeah little side ones bodega and that was a great filling in the gaps bodega style i don't think i don't think you need to worry about filling in the gap no no i just have been worried about like it's better to leave bigger gaps but it's actually a tactic a trick a trick that you should you should encourage people could already see in their minds are you know bodega stages some cunning you know like you know but it gets captured so you can see it in your mind type but then it goes through a boring court trial sure you can see it but it gets put in prison sure you

can see it right you can imagine all this yeah yeah you should always tell when you tell stories they should always have things in them that are not what you would necessarily expect you know like stuff doesn't quite go as it was planned or as you saw it in your mind's eye but if it was what was planned people can envision they've seen a million sci-fi films you read a million stories they've heard all the stories yeah you can fill it on a lot of this stuff in like what's not yeah what's not written is is uh is super important yeah exactly exactly holy shit that was an amazing podcast guys yeah we did great this week about the same level like kids dicks and piss as the usual

trifles podcasts have um with a little bit of extra clowns and um other stuff hitler in there yes like like like a hint of hitler just a little yeah what did you put in those mashed potatoes oh a little sousan aauce. A little Hitler. Oh yeah, you can really taste it. It's coming out. An aroma of Hitler. Beautiful. We're going to go now and we will see you next week. Thank you.

Goodbye friends. Goodbye. Bye.