Triforce! - Triforce! #261: Little Lew Lew's Daunting Dates

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

Triforce! Episode 261! Lewis updates us on his, so far, totally unsuccessful dating career and explores some of the strangest accounts he's found online! Support your favourite podcast on Patreon:��https://bit.ly/2SMnzk6 Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

pickaxe ladies and gentlemen boys and girls children of all ages welcome back to another podcast about dicks and poop and boners and diapers. Hot topics this week, of course, diapers. I haven't had to do that in over a decade, I guess. So I'm kind of out of the diaper scene. I'm not sure of the developments and the new tech. I'm way out of the... Did they have pull-ons when you were-

We didn't have nappies back then. We just had to scoop it up with our fucking hands. Holy shit. As an old school reference. As a tech bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As a tech- I've got a creepy S&M basement with some nappies in, you know.

I've got my- Nice, nice. Oh my god. Nice. I've got all that stuff. Thank you for sharing. I don't like to talk about it, you know, it's private. It's private Yeah, that was always a thing on do you guys remember euro trash? Do I with I mentioned it like every day Euro trash is such a good show. It was the pre pre-inet meme. We liked Euro Trash for the wrong reasons, right?

Well, for different reasons. We were talking about, what was her name? Lola Ferrari or whatever her name was. Yeah, with the big boobies. She died because of complications to her big boobies. Complications of big boobies. That's dedication. It's weird because I mean, I was talking

about her the other day and then I was watching Glastonbury over the weekend on TV. I didn't go. Oh, yes. I just watched a bit of it on TV. And Blondie came on, and I thought, oh, my God, she looks just like Lola Ferrari, but without massive boobs. Wow, I thought there was going to be some sign or something, or someone cosplaying, like, rip Lola Ferrari. No.

The only reason I watched it was because there was a chance of boobs. Well, one of the acts I can't remember. Hold on a sec. I'll find out. What was that? What was that act that you said it last day where she got about Christine and the in the clean? Thank you. Christine and the queen. All right.

All right. She got him out. She had some bandages or pasties, as they call them, over her nipples. Right. She was just topless the entire time. Google it, if you dare. It doesn't count if they've got the pasties. Do you know what I mean? I just want to see some bare boobs, you know?

Okay, let's talk about this for a second okay because before too much it is summer obviously yeah and i've been like it really is talking around the harbor and around bristol like trying to get trying to get some exercise okay yeah um and i noticed a lot of people some joggers some just walking obviously a lot of men with no tops on which is obviously problem one. But we've talked about that before. How do you feel about the obvious lack of a bra when one is needed? It's wonderful. Fantastic.

Or when it's like... More. But it's like... There's got to be something holding them in, though. I don't leave my house often enough to know what you're talking about. So, first of all it sports bras are a thing for a reason running with boobs is is uh yeah is very painful yeah um well i know now i know now that i'm older i know what that feels you feel it yes of course

um we've obviously got double h cups um at our age but yes it's like one of those things where uh the bigger the boob the more the more demanding uh the bra like you need to have a real this is a serious piece of kit you've got a carbon fiber reinforced steel with the underwire and like really good last i mean first of all it must be jolly uncomfortable to wear especially in the heat if you're running in the heat is the main reason if you if you are a lady who has smaller boobs you still you can wear a sports bra it just holds everything in place much more easily. But the big boobed ladies that jog, God bless them, it's a trial.

It's hard work. Because in order to stop them just literally slamming up and down, you have to wear a bra that smushes them to your chest, which can't be comfortable in itself. No. I completely understand why you would want to not have to wear a bra that does that. But equally, I think the pain caused by this, this jiggling would, would outweigh the benefit of not having to wear a tight bra, but Hey, I don't have giant boobs. So it's hard. Now that we've covered the scientific aspect of it, uh, Lewis, what, what was, what was your gripe?

It sounded like. So my follow up to that is how do you feel about the like thin or sometimes even like thick woolly jumper thing top that women wear with no bra because you can like well it's just loose and you can tell that underneath there they're just no because there's like flopping around because there's like nipple imprints do you mean like bullets do you mean like like like i'm getting all hot under the collar yeah i i mean i just feel like that's um it's it's it we can wear what they want and i'm not taking anything i'm just saying like

um you know i've i've noticed it a lot around bristol but i don't know if they're aware of it maybe that's the maybe they are and maybe that's the thing it's a complicated thing we're talking about they're wearing sweaters is the problem i think sometimes you buy a top i don't just do this too i buy like a t-shirt and i realized that i could see my nipples through it like all the shape of them through yeah are you telling me you think women leave the house without knowing exactly what they're wearing come on dude well dude. Well, but it's not the house. It's like not the right same temperatures outside. You know, there's like other factors that can be involved.

Are we talking about sweat patches here or something? No, we're talking about protruding nipples. It sounds like, yeah, of course, you know, on a follow up to your nipple related topic. I don't. Okay. I just, I just want... Write in about it. Why not send it

in to... Nipple incidents. Well, you're not going to have to read the emails, Chris. I will. True, that's true, yeah. Okay, write in then. There must be some, like... I know women have their favourite bra, right? Do they? Yeah, of course. And they, like, don't update bras very often

because of the difficulty of like getting one which is right you know right um and so maybe that's a factor as well like you know just not when it gets really hot you're like oh god i haven't got anything i can wear right um i will also say there's a lot of women's clothing that doesn't, it's designed, because fashion designers don't design clothing for the average person, do they? So if you look at most models, the accepted high fashion model will barely have any boobs at all. So a lot of the clothing will be not designed for women with boobs. That's at the high end. And then, of course, that filters down to what you see on the high street.

So a lot of clothing, you try to put it on in a fashion where it would fit you with big boobs and a bra, and instead your bra is just showing, which is why there's this whole strapless bra thing, and those are a nightmare if you've got big boobs. Believe me, none of this is easy. It's a daily struggle for women. Honestly, it's the same for me, clothing-wise. Really? Yeah. It's funny now. I'm fascinated honestly, it's the same for me. Um, uh, clothing wise.

Yeah. Because the cup in the underpants, it's never big enough. None of the jeans in the Levi's store fit me. Okay. Yeah. They just, because it's because I don't think people really wear jeans anymore though. Like everybody just wears track pants now, from what I can tell. Right.

You might be right. Is this you in your garage? No, no. Like, I see loads of kids and stuff wear track pants now. I see them all the time. They're wearing, like, baggy track pants and, like, big sweaters and stuff. It's like, that's how i used to dress when i was like uh 10 years old i think you're right jeans like the basic blue jeans yeah you never see

it's never gonna go i mean it no it's like it comes and goes like i know that right now very baggy jeans is the thing i've seen a lot of women wear at the moment very baggy almost like sort of like big like 90s style jeans yeah big old jeans would you say i am um an average size man no not really i'd put you on like this at the smaller side of a small man petite whatever the male version of petite is yeah you're like you're slim and you're not like overly tall i I would say like the classic cuck. Jeez. Like on the scale of like one to 10.

Yeah. With five being the average man, how tall, thin, skinny, like am I right? You're probably average. You're probably average.

I mean, I don't know what the average height is in a man in this country. Is it five, eight? Let's have a look. Average, average male height UK is 5'10".

So I'm a couple of inches below average, right? I'm 5'8", 5'9". Well, that's average in France. In France, it's 5'9". 5'9". This could be a fresh start for you, Louis. So what I'm saying is that

I'm maybe like 40% the oh no well like you know i'm like i'm like i'm nearly the average man but i'm i have like a 28 inch waist right a very skinny waist which means i can't buy like trousers right i can't buy it and also like even like um even like shirts i'm buying the small shirts right Which is the smallest size in most shops. And I understand, like, I just feel like it doesn't... I know a lot of people who are my size or smaller, you know, and so I don't think of my... I've never thought of myself as, like, a below average size man.

No, you shouldn't. Who gives a shit? No, but I've never in my whole life thought that I am smaller than average. Right. But now that you're on dating sites and people are swiping, you're like, holy crap. Must be six foot. This has to be the catalyst. Must be six foot. That's a complex that I will address separately.

But no, it's more that I actually bought some extra small shorts this weekend. How'd they fit? Right. Fuck's sake sake they fit fine but i was just like that started to give me a complex but are you are you buying clothes that fit or you like because i buy i buy clothes bigger than me like uh you know like i don't feel bad about the size i get because i i'm buying stuff bigger on purpose i'm not getting stuff to fit you know what i mean like i don't have the um i i just i can't do it if i buy stuff to fit i will look really really really bad so i just buy bigger stuff to hide the bad you know what i mean

amen brother yeah i've started wearing a lot more baggy stuff i go baggy like i like loose baggy shirts and stuff like that because otherwise people will just see my man boobs the contour of my man boobs if i wear like tight fitting shirts or whatever you can't do it i see nobody wants that nobody wants to see that okay so i hide it another time i hide it under all the under baggy baggy baggy or clothing but honestly i've always had dressed like i've always worn baggier clothes like you've always dressed like nirvana style you know emo kids what you know with the you always wear the big the big no i don't know i i feel like um that's a different side of things that I didn't consider.

The shy side, like trying to hide your body type. But I don't know if either of you need it or are like that. I don't know if I necessarily need it, but I just, I mean, like I said, I've always dressed slightly baggy. So I kind of just stick to that anyway, you know, like I'm not saying I have any sense for fashion. I do not. But I just dress to that anyway, you know, like, I'm not saying I have any sense for fashion, I do not. But I just dress the way that, you know, I always have.

When I was younger, I used to wear a lot of, I was very skinny. I used to weigh like 10 stone, which is like 140 pounds, just soaking wet. I was like very skinny and I- But you're six foot tall, so- But it took a long time to get out of the idea. You notice it more when you're tall and skinny, right? Right. But it took a long time for me to get out of the idea that I could still dress like that. Now if I wear tight stuff, I just look like a dad that's squeezed into an old T-shirt.

So it's not a good vibe. No. Yeah. I guess I also wear, because I was on holiday with Boba, and she just feels like she can't buy clothes from adult it's always weird when you're like looking in the kids section of stores to like get your clothes right and that sometimes isn't actually a problem because they're cheaper yeah i mean it's also hard for taller people uh to find clothes like like i said everything's made for what they see as the median

so you just look at the bang average and you'll sell more. And then like, for example, Lewis, try this. Go to TK Maxx and have a look around. You will find that most of the stuff that's left on the racks is either S, XS, or XL and XXL. Like it's the bigger end of the scale is what's left. So you should honestly try going to somewhere like TK Maxx. You'd clean up. Because I go there and I'm like, fuck, I'd love that shit. But they only have it in S, which is small. So you should honestly try going to somewhere like TKMAX. You'd clean up. Because I go there and I'm like, fuck, I'd love that shirt, but they only have it in S, which is small. So you should get it. And then what I do is I buy it. If it's only in S

and that's the shirt I want, I buy it. Really? No. But then, you know, it doesn't fit. You send it to me. It's way too tight. So then, yeah, I just send it to Lewis. Happy birthday. This is one of those things, though, people. When I go to a shop, there's none of the stuff that I want is available in an S.

And there's only the L and the XL. You know, like, for me, it's like the other way around. I guess it's your own experience. Why not get M? Yeah, get some M. M stuff just hangs off me. Yeah, but that's fine, though. You could get some matching M jeans and then get some nice big shoes to go with it.

And boom, you are a 1990s skater. I've just decided I'm going to wear clothes that fit me now. Yeah, well done. Gosh, it's taken you that long. Don't do it. Revolutionary idea. Don't do it. You know what?

New year's resolution. I'm going to wear clothes that fit me. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. It's a dream. I've always worn clown shoes. And now I have worn normal shoes.

How's the dating going, by the way, Lulu? You promised us you'd go on dates. You promised us an update as well. I'm a bit like... Have you been on a date yet? No. One date. Oh my God.

Right. Okay. Are you swiping? Yeah. Have you exchanged messages with anyone even? Yes, but I'm a little bit reticent to talk about it. Do most of the messages start with, oh my god, are you actually Lewis? Do you get a lot of that or not really?

That hasn't happened yet. That hasn't happened. Thank god. But it's only a matter of time, I'm sure. And if that happens i'll block them immediately oh my god why don't well i don't i don't want to i don't want to date people with preconceived ideas of how funny and interesting i am from this podcast do you want to date somebody who will just start singing uh diggy diggy hole like right in the middle of a restaurant

and and sort of asking you to fill in the gaps and stuff too in an ironic way maybe right look you know you've got to be able to laugh at yourself so yes i'm not i'm not against that stuff i think um i spoke about this last week i just i haven't really i haven't really looked at it in the week actually because it made me a bit uncomfortable but i'll get back to it um i've done very well this week. I've had voice problems, and I've booked myself in to see someone, and I've been planning on getting ready for going away, so I've been trying to get a lot of shit in order. When are you going away?

I don't know. I have to sit down and talk to people and try to be interesting or make funny comments. I don't know. It's not easy. No. And I guess part of me doesn't really want to do it, you know?

I'm not, because I'm not hungry for a partner or anything. I'm not like actually that. I think it's thirsty is the term you're meant to use. I'm not that thirsty. It means that I'm not on there. You're not thirsting for a partner? I need to find like half an hour just to like. Thirsting for some

Kirsten, whoever she is. Yeah, Thurston for Kirsten. Change that. Change that. Put that on your app bio, whichever app you're using. Which app are you using, by the way? Thurston for some Kirsten and see how many Kirstens come rolling in. Right.

I'm trying to think what women's name rhymes with hungry. It's quite specific. Maybe there's a woman called Mungry. I don't think Kirsten's like a super common name. Right. That's the point. You're narrowing it down. There you go.

You'll get a hit easier. When you're trying to tune a radio, Lewis, do you tune it to just open all the bands at once? No. You narrowly tune it down. So just tailor it day by day to a different woman's name and a different way of saying that you're thirsty for that particular kind of name

and see how many of that name come back. All right. Let me're thirsty for that particular kind of name and see how many of that name come back all right let me just describe to you thirsty for kirsty i'll load the app all right so the first one i've got here the first line of her bio is the way to win me over is attention smiley face okay right money attention smiley face there's a picture of her her main picture is actually not a picture of face face, which is not really very common, because one of the main guidelines is like the picture of, your first picture of your face. It's her from behind, on some sort of balcony,

in a swimsuit, but it's quite far away. Yeah. But it's a classic like her looking into the sunset pose. And then the next line is, a random fact I love is, so basically you have these prompts right you have to fill them in and she's put so she's put on the first one the way to win me over is

she's put one word in there attention right and stop it's not really again what you're encouraged to do second thing so a random fact i love is that's another prompt she has put a random fact i love is traveling right so she's misunderstood the prompt there and just again done it as lazy as possible um that's hilarious that is that's good that's so i scroll down and there's a picture of her from front looks like a nice normal lady looks a bit like a look it looks like she's a bit like wearing like a top it's like a nun it's like a full black top and she's got like hair over her shoulders she looks nice and then my simple pleasures is a third prompt right she's put three emojis uh sunshine emoji umbrella on beach emoji and a cocktail emoji

that's her simple pleasures right okay so like okay imagine, okay, imagine you went on a date with her and then she turned out to just be amazing and then you guys hooked up and you got married and stuff. Imagine you're older and you're very happy together and stuff and you look back and you bring this up. You say, remember your bio with the simple pleasures and you had three emojis and then you could laugh about it together, right? Right, right, right. No. And so, obviously, she's... So, I'm now supposed to pick one of these things that she sent, right? Right. And this is Hinge, by the way. And I'm supposed to press, like, heart on it and send, like, a message.

Right. Saying something about one of the... To start, like, a conversation starter about one of her prompts, right? So, would you guys like to have a go? Yes. So you've got these three prompts, these two pictures. Yeah. Give us, give me your best introduction. Give us the prompt. The prompt obviously was, this is what you're working with. You're working with the way to win me over is attention. A random fact I love is travelling. Slow down, I can't remember all of those things.

Alright, so the way to win me over is, is the first one. Yeah, yeah. Attention. And you can comment on. Oh, so we've got to comment on hers. You've got to pick one of these five things that she's put on her profile. Okay. The two pictures or the three facts.

The emojis, the attention or the traveling. And you have to send a message which will make her send something back. So pick the emoji one and just send the aubergine and the splashing one. That's the way to win you over. Just copy paste that into every single one and you'll get a hit. Do you think she'll get that?

Yes. I don't know if people will go for that. I think when people see that there's probably like a like an FBI warning, you know like the tsunami warning thing when somebody puts that I'm just saying goes off somewhere. My first thought is how can we game the system here? And I'm just thinking well Lewis is already trying to game the system. I think we can just be honest. Okay, we're not okay It'll be helpful for him. Okay. Okay first up that aubergine

square emoji idea, very funny, right? But it's again against the recommendations of these things. Like, Hinge will say to you, like the Queen, do an open-ended question. Because the Queen's classic thing was, and what do you do? Because that then gets someone to talk about something they know. Oh i work here in the palace i'm a i polish all the statues i'm your husband uh that's fucking hilarious right

and so if you just said if the queen just said aubergine squirt emoji to someone yeah they wouldn't know how to reply to that

right they'd say at once your majesty and go go stashing in I mean that leads that leaves like the

creative thought in their courts right you don't want to like the problem was you just mentioned volume like i'm looking through these profiles i see someone i like i go through that

whole thing that sips thought right in my head because you can't help it you know what if we grow old together you know what oh won't we laugh about these profile things i'll get all these stupid comments in my mind like all these jokes about her looking like a nun that are not appropriate for me to send right and then i'll fucking i think oh my god you know i have all these thoughts in my mind and then i'll have to then come up with something funny from working with basically nothing or i guess i can just go with one of these standard chat outlines that people use copy paste over and over again right which i don't feel like i really want to do particularly and then finally i either send that off or i just exit onto the next one but that's taking me like

what's like three minutes one right hey baby is your fridge running because you better go catch or something like that like what's the what's like the standard one i don't actually know any um but i assume you can look them up right like um there's probably there's probably loads like i know i can look them up but i'm asking you because i didn't want to can look them up. Right. There's probably loads. I know I can look them up, but I'm asking you because I didn't want to really look them up. Well, no one's sending them to me because I'm a man. I don't get sent pickup lines. Well, women don't use them? Except by other men.

Men are more likely to use pickup lines than women are. Well, it depends. Were you about to ask me how many women have you tried to pick up before? Because the answer is one. No, it wasn't. It's just the one. One and it worked. One and it went.

That pickup line you use must be a gem. Oh, yeah. You should share that with the world. Well, I don't want, a magician never shares his secrets, you know. I don't want you to know how to do it so i can never share yeah so next one she looks her first picture is of her looking like like fine like fine like fine or or just she looks she's obviously like she looks fine. She's okay. But she, there's like a discrepancy already because she looks 40. Well, that's not, I mean, come on.

But her profile says 30. Now, obviously, that might mean she's a smoker or she's just being in the sun a lot or it's just a bad angle. Right. But it's like, it's enough to throw me off. Right. So she's got like that sort of leathery look of a seasoned smoker is what you mean yes yes she's i don't mean she looks like uh she looks like a bit too tanned um yeah because of smoking and maybe the sun as well at the same time yeah and i don't know

whether it's like necessarily like i don't think it's a catfish or anything do you mean i haven't what does that mean catfish is when you post a picture that's not you yeah in order to i don't know why it's called a catfish i'm sure someone can explain but to lure you in a lot of catfishes are not even women or that's not even a picture of them right it's just some lad fucking about so oh i see i see there's Okay. So then there's a... I don't even know where to... Let's just move on to the next one. Sorry.

I would hate someone to be doing this to my profile. Yeah, but it's funny. The thing is, though, is that it's all out there for everybody to see anyway. We're not really... We're not... Yeah. We're not, like, trashing these people or anything. We're just...

We're analyzing the, we're not, we're not like trashing these people or anything. We're just, we're, we're, we're analyzing the entire, uh, the entire thing. Right. They might even appreciate the analysis. They might be like, you're right. I can change that. Yeah. They might. Yeah.

Um, right. So, God, these are all so, they're so standard. Very made. Can you see how many people have like followed up with these people and stuff? Like, are there stats or anything no it's not really like a profile like can you see who's the most achievements you've got like an uber rating you haven't got like this woman has completed 3 000 dates platinum member no you know would you like to tip your yeah uh your hedge date no it's it's nothing like that. It's all very, you don't get that much information unless people want to share it, right?

Right. So, if people wanted to share that information, could they? Could you like put it in your profile to say, I've been on several dates? You could put. Would that be something that people might, you know, think is good? Don't worry, I've been on 700 dates. Again, it's kind of set up to not make you make those kind of mistakes, right? Because there's no empty boxes, right?

It's all prompt based. So it's like, you know, you've got this whole long list of prompts. You're like, oh, if we won the lottery, let's spend it on. And then you can write three things down. Well, we just met. I mean, I'm going to keep it. I'm not going to and then you can write we just met i mean i'm gonna keep it i'm not gonna that's ridiculous could you just met could you like theme your whole profile like do a role play like you could be like uh a guy who's obsessed with lewds for example so like

yeah so the drugs the jokes from the 70s just won the lottery. What do we spend it on? And he's just tons of lewds. And you know what I mean? Like the whole, everything could lead back to this guy is just obsessed with quaaludes or whatever. You know what I mean? Like that might be fun.

You might find some interesting people through that too, right? Somebody might be able to see through the, you know, the RP and, and, and I mean, we've all,

I have seen a few guys profiles. You've like told a story in their profile, right? So it's like them and then them finding like something or rescue in a cat. And then I'd know like turning into a cat. I don't know. Do you mean that there's a whole, like there's a little journey that take like a comic strip within their profile,

which is always fun, but I've never seen it. Is it always anyone? It's always a fun idea right um well you have to do something to stand out right on this yeah that's why i'm thinking like the rp thing might be really fun you know like because it because everyone is i don't know how how you feel about this but there's this big bell curve of people who are unattainably hot and people who are really ugly send her a picture of this big bell curve of people who are unattainably hot and people who are really ugly. Send her a picture of your big bell curve, mate. Almost everyone in, a lot of people you meet and see, they're all in this middle ground.

Like 80% of people fall into the, yeah, they're attractive enough. So people that are really, really hot, well, or, you know they are they they're really picky i guess right they are not just they are swiping away everybody and they maybe have the confidence that they are gonna find their perfect perfect match because they can they well like i said they've got a different kind of problem they have to filter out out. Everyone. You know, there's the people who get no matches and have to hope for one. And there's the people who get only matches and have to try and filter through who they actually want to go out with. But you can't see who is getting matches and no matches, though, right? Like, that's not available.

So you're just assuming based on how they look or whatever that they. Yeah. But I'm, and these assumptions, you know, it might well be that they, if they have an interesting profile in some way, or if they're,

um, cause what if they're really hot and they went on like a date or two and then word, word got out that they have just really bad breath. Where's that word going to get out? I don't know. Like in the, in the, in the, in other people's prompts. Warning. Yeah i don't know like in the in the in the in other

people's prompts warning warning siobhan by the way terrible terrible breath she's good if you can leave she's got warts all over her ass and genitals skipper yeah i don't know how you would fit that in like you know let's make sure we're on the same page about, by the way, dating Siobhan. But also, poor Siobhan. Siobhan, if you're listening to this right now, sorry, we had to tell everybody about your... It's all right. They're not going to have to spell her name. It's fine.

Yeah, that's right. It's Siobhan. With an H. There's an H in there at the end. Siobhan. Siobhan. It's a lovely... I love the name Siobhan. Oh, it H in there at the end. Sealpan. Sealpan. It's a lovely... I love the name, Siobhan.

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but you know what are you going to put on yours Lewis if you're prompted that we win the lottery and then so what you think that's boring this is on the this is more interesting I don't think it's boring I think that's pretty average I think most people would put those three things what else are you going to put so best travel story

this is Diana first time I went to people would put those three things. What else are you going to put? So best travel story. Um, this is Diana. First time I went to a desert, capital D, uh, spelled dessert. Right.

Uh, it, it rained, uh, crying monkey emoji face, shrugging emoji. I mean, the thing is like, you can't judge people on this stuff,

right? Like people's, people's internet etiquette. Oh, my God. Okay. Let's get your post history up into your fucking profile and see how many hits you get. Jesus. It's so fucking tedious.

I hate this. This is like doing the washing up to me, going through this, trawling through this crap. I hate doing it. Oh, let's make sure we're on the same page about having an open mind for traveling to new places. What? I mean, sure. Let's make sure we're on the same page about that. It's, again, the most generic thing.

Come on. I think it's fine. I think people put too much weight on some of this, some of the little things, right? Like, I know plenty of people who are really nice i like them a lot but if you talk to them like on you know whatsapp or something like that they come across as pretty fucking bad but you know like not not like in what they're saying just you know they just don't come from like uh like a like a they don't spend that much time on the internet so when they're on there they're using emojis

like my mum would sort of thing but it's like I feel like every profile almost every profile is the same it's like I want someone who is excited I'm excited for travelling I'm excited for some sort of exercise

and I have a dog but there's nothing. But even that third one, the dog thing, that's sometimes people's personality. But rarely do they have a hobby, even like of any description. Do you know what I mean? Like, OK, first picture of her is with the dog. Yeah. The way to win me over is to make me laugh.

Right. Right. Cool. We can do that. On my bucket list, seeing orcas traveling to New Zealand, staying in an igloo in Finland, Nashville, and skydiving. All on the same trip? No, that's on her bucket list. Left.

Left. And then- Left. This is an interesting one. I thought that was like a really specific vacation that she was describing. I was getting stressed out thinking, how the fuck logistically will this work? Okay, this is a good one. My most irrational fear is E.T.

Right. I don't want to hear that he's friendly. He's a wrinkly, dry, yet slimy creep vomit emoji. Oh my God. This is my dream woman. This is amazing. I feel the same way about et fuck et honestly that movie just gives me a headache thinking about it it's so gross you know the part where they have the whole fucking uh you know like the the quarantine

in the house yeah oh my god i feel like puking every time i think about that whole scene it's just the worst yeah et's going like all fucking petrified and stuff he's all action and he looks like a petrified dog turd when they yes yeah i hate that part yeah so they do have swipe that one lewis that one she sounds great of course the other problem with this the other problem with this app is like it's very um and all of them these days, they're very monetized. Right. More so than in the last 10 years than ever. Yeah.

And as a result, like if you don't subscribe or pay or like have some sort of thing, I feel like it kind of, because it's constantly saying. Sign up to premium. I feel like it kind of, because it's constantly saying, Sign up to premium. Subscribers get 11 times more matches. And it's like, boost your profile for 24 hours and get seen by 20 times as many people. And it's like, you know, you can send priority likes to get boosted to the top of their profile.

Do you think people would do that? Would consider doing that? Well, I refuse to spend a single dollar on it which is stupid maybe i should but um maybe it's again that's just me being old and grouchy and refusing to spend money on mobile games but i i i assume if you're good looking you don't need to right yeah but you are just assuming though there's probably people out there i mean i don't know what the uptick is on people opting for that to pay to get a profile boost or whatever. But, you know, some people might be really like, fuck, I just need somebody. There must be some metrics.

Okay. In the back end that tracks who gets the most swipes and all this stuff, because it's into the app there's this thing called standouts which again i think it's on other apps too like stuff and what you get is you get like this five people shown to you like daily okay and you're not allowed to swipe on them you have to pay to swipe on them god damn but they're the they're the hottest you said that when you started doing this a bunch of people at the office were also doing it who knows who's on these apps right and it's private it's up to them and not this is okay oh all right so anyway say you're you're you're going through all this and everything and uh and you finally find somebody that you you think you want to hook up with or

whatever and then you guys arrange to have a date and then you turn up and you get there and somebody from the office is there and you're like oh hey uh what are you doing here and they're like oh just waiting for a date and you're like oh yeah me too and then you both like oh shit my date didn't show up but actually it had matched both of you guys together and you didn't realize it again it's not like some sort of fancy algorithm like that. It really is about how much you do and also how, I guess, willing you are to how low your bar is, right? Like, I don't want to go on a date with someone unless I'm, like, pretty secure. Some people, like, I remember going to, even going to Disney, right?

I went to Warner Brothers Universal in LA and there were some other YouTubers there. You saw Cinderella and you thought, she looks lovely. I'll ask her out. There were one or two

other YouTubers with us and one of them at the time was on Tinder and he had a different date come to the hotel every night that we were there. And he had like a little date

with her in the hotel bar. He was only there for a week. So he was just playing the volume game. He's just trying out anyone. And that was like a hookup thing. But it was a different way of playing the game. And I respect that. You know, I wasn't really comfortable with it myself.

And I would never have done that. But, you know, that was a thing that was... Wait, so they were with you guys? This is a non-Yoxcast YouTuber. Right, right. But so they would bring a date and it would be with all you guys. You'd be hanging out with them together. Well, I wouldn't really hang out with him. I knew of him. Right, right, right. But so they would bring a date and it would be with all you guys. You'd be hanging out with them together.

Well, I wouldn't really hang out with him. I knew of him. He was in the hotel. You know, we were all booked into the same hotel. Do you know what I mean? Right.

But we would see him in the hotel bar. Oh, so you weren't with him like in the evening. No, no. He's not my friend. I don't know him. I've never met him.

I'm sure he's a lovely guy. I thought that you meant you guys were going out for dinner and every evening he would be with you and have a different girl. Lewis was just keeping track of all his movements i would respect that fucking chad play but again i would i would also be like oh i know to me that's a bit gross um a bit yes

it's a bit gauche gauche a little a little beyond the pale it's a little a little gauche i got hey i gotta let's change the subject because i got something this is quite interesting i don't know if you heard about this this was is it the titanic sub no it's not i heard about something else you heard about that that's good a little this is the headline is this this is on the verge sony's confidential playstation secrets just spilled because of a sharpie okay so right this is highly confidential information about its playstation business has just been revealed by mistake as part of the ftc versus microsoft hearing sony supplied a document from playstation chief jim ryan that includes business has just been revealed by mistake. As part of the FTC versus Microsoft hearing, Sony supplied a document from PlayStation chief Jim Ryan that includes redacted details on the margins Sony shares with publishers. It's Call of Duty revenues and even the cost of developing

some of its games. This was all top secret, but all they did was go over the bits with a black Sharpie. And when you scan the image, you can still see behind the Sharpie. It's like the worst redacted stuff ever. It's really, really interesting articles. For example, The Last of Us Part II cost $220 million to make. Jesus. And had 200 employees.

Horizon Forbidden West, $212 million to make. But this was the bit that really got me. In 2021, over, over they think 14 million users by device spent 30 or more of their time playing call of duty 6 million users spent 70 percent of their time on call of duty and there were a million playstation users that only played call of duty just call of duty that's the only game they play it's a huge uh huge franchise that's crazy there are some people who use steam who only play dota or whatever as well like that exists like it definitely does yeah i know it's true i mean i'm obviously as someone with 10 and 11 000 hours in dota i understand the point i'm

making but i'm just saying that this is literally people buy this console just to play yeah call of duty and i was kind of surprised by that because they will do you can also play it on pc but so does this mean a lot of people who don't own a pc's pcs are expensive though like um i mean so is a playstation but it's a lot cheaper than a than a full pc if you want to play something you know at a good decent like frame rate and all that kind of stuff they're quite expensive and they take up a lot of space too pcs because you have separate monitors and everything like i can't imagine just having a console because you can't do you can do no no but we're we're in our 40s we have disposable income we have houses and stuff like that it's

you know so hold on hold on when i was a teenager wasn't, it was like we had a computer, like a family computer, but like a gaming computer. We didn't. No, no chance we would ever have one. So do you think this is mostly kids? I would say, I would say it probably is like teenagers and lots of adults too. It's lots of adults. It's lots of normal people. It'll be lots of, lots of dads who have 10 kids and no space for a computer

and not a lot of time as well. And I think also it's surprisingly more like more grown-up people with jobs as well who, yeah, like Sip said, don't have the space or time or anything. They just play an hour of Call of Duty when they get home and that's them done. That's it. Filthy casuals.

And not just a bit of Call of Duty, but they play with friends as well. Disgusting. It is weird. I've got a couple of weird things that I've got on the list here. The list? The list. Yeah. Well, Sam sends us a list of interesting shit.

Does he? Right. Yeah. On the list. Was it 45 minutes of talking about dating or? Well, no, it wasn't on the list yeah well sam sends us a list of interesting shit does he right yeah on the list uh was it 45 minutes of talking about dating or well no it wasn't on this no uh gta5 fan mod has modded in the jerry-rigged uh ocean gate expedition titan submersible of course it has i mean that's so bad uh so yeah uh it adds a fully diveable inverted commas. Well, that's better than that. Submersible that looks exactly like it.

He also, the same model previously made the timely Chinese spy balloon models. Very good. Just add some more immersion into your immersive gaming experience, which is very funny. immersion into your immersive gaming experience which is funny very funny uh a twitch streamer shaved their head for for two thousand five hundred dollars only to have it refunded or whatever or like you know that's a classic thing you get yeah they refunded it yeah that happens but i'm sure he's doing all right um god what else uh give us any of them anyone sure the first one

is someone threw their mom's ashes on stage at pinks. Oh yeah. I saw that. Yeah. And pink was like a wheel of Brie. Apparently it's a whole wheel picks it up. And she's like, is this your mom?

Like, yeah. She's like, I don't know how to put to think of this. That's what she said. And then there was, yeah, it's a bit weird,

isn't it? It's a bit weird. And then, uh, yeah, it's a bit weird, isn't it? It is a bit weird. And then on Monday, Airbnb listed a real life Barbie Malibu dream house. Nice, nice. Hosted by a Ken. So I think it's a viral marketing stunt for the upcoming Barbie movie. It is, yeah. All right.

They've been doing a lot of marketing stuff. It's an expensive movie, apparently. It's like a hundred something million to make. All these movies are these days. I don stuff. It's an expensive movie. It is. It's like a hundred something million to make. All these movies are these days. I don't think it's possible to make a movie. No, but I mean, Barbie is not like, you wouldn't expect it to have like tons of visual effects or anything like that. I bet there's a million.

The star power, I guess, in itself is probably a bit. You've got to pay them money. Yeah. You've got to pay. I mean, that's Ryan Gosling and Right. Yeah, so they're gonna cost some money You got all the extras and all the rest of it the sets the costumes and I guarantee you There's a million fucking effects in this film a million Yeah, but they're looking at how much money like things ever since the Lego movie, you know

everyone has been to is you know, Zelda movie is now thing thing because of nintendo were like the mayor movie has made so much money and been so successful that you know zelda is the next biggest franchise isn't it this is it i mean we've had superheroes now it's going to be video games for the next 10 years so i mean video game movies have always been a thing just not probably to the scale that they're thinking of doing it now but exactly you remember the wizard with fred savage i don't remember the wizard it's uh it was to showcase super mario brothers 3 fred savage um oh man it was it was good though they so they go to a video game um conference not conference competition in california but they live like i don't know

not in california so they have to go on this big road trip but fred savage's brother in the movie is i think he's got autism or something but he's like really good at gaming it turns out and uh so they're taking him to this championship and they get to use the power glove to play super mario brothers 3 for the first time nobody had seen the game yet so everybody was like losing their minds and it was uh i mean it's like a very typical 80s movie it was pretty good watched as a kid there have been a lot of video game movies i am aware of that but here's my point if you look at multiple super mario brothers there's a live action there's been two right yeah yeah so there's a live action there's been two right yeah

yeah so there's the witches multiple there's been a lot of mortal kombat movies yes there's been silent street fighter movie resident evil movies street fight movies but a lot of these are dog shit and they used to make superhero movies before marvel took over and disney and all the rest of it and they were also dog shit what i'm saying is that when you have a really well-made high budget movie like the Super Mario movie and it does well, they're going to want to make more. And Nintendo has this huge back out. I mean, the Sonic the Hedgehog movie, I think, looked kind of weird. I don't know if it was good. I can't remember.

Man. I don't know if people liked it or not. But all I'm saying is I could well imagine that this is a new thing where they're like, let's make a Zelda movie. Let's make a Mario Kart movie. A Metroid movie. Super Metroid movie. All of this shit. But with an actual budget.

Mega Man would be so good. Well, Resident Evil, they made movies. And I think some of them. Are they all bad? Yeah, they're terrible. All right. They're all terrible. I mean, they made a Max Payne movie.

They made a Hitman movie. They try to make them. But as usual, they fuck it up. They look look like dog shit I'm saying that there is definitely I mean imagine a Red Dead Redemption movie that was actually good you could imagine I mean the thing is Red Dead Redemption was kind of like a movie already anyway though yeah I wouldn't really stop them but no I know it wouldn't stop them but I wouldn't feel like I would need to go see that because I think the game itself was, you know, like a movie. No, I agree. But I'm just saying we had The Last of Us.

We had The Last of Us TV series, which was well received. Yeah. Now we've had the Super Mario movie. This is it. This has piqued the interest of the big studios. Yeah, there's a Fallout TV series coming out soon. Right, exactly. So they're like, oh, there's a whole world here with an audience thirsty for something like this. Let's make thirsty for Kirstie. It all comes going to get a year younger, right?

Because the traditional way that they were calculating how old they were included time in the womb, right? So they were almost, so when Korean babies were born, they were assumed to be a year old immediately. Really? All right, okay. Yes. That's a bit weird. Yes, it's weird. But it's kind of a korean age system it apparently

also sees people aging up on january the first instead of their actual birth date wow very weird um so wait when did yeah this is that's that's bizarre that is a yes bizarre it is weird um but apparently they're fixing it to be in line with the rest of the world so a lot of people are going to get younger one one year wait if you were aged enough to drive or drink or whatever, suddenly you can't? That would suck. Oh, God. This is a good point.

That is a concern. They have to retroactively be like, don't worry, you're going down a year. But if we look at your year of birth, if it's before a certain point, we'll count, you know, legally you'll count as if you were allowed to do those things. Something like that. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, what if you had just got married and now your partner is technically underage? Are you going to prison? Yeah. There's some problems. Yeah. There's, uh, there's gotta be some issues with all this, right? Well, who cares? Who cares?

It's probably, again, one of these things that's like not actually that much of a problem these days um or maybe it is i watched this like i don't know i've not been very well this week i've been watching a lot of crap on netflix i watched this um king of clones documentary about this guy who was the south korean um uh cloning cloning man expert biologist and he was like not really ethically harvesting women's eggs for his like jesus stem cell experiments um i've got to say whenever they use the term harvesting yeah it always makes me think of the matrix or something like that harvesting eggs yeah yeah it just seems so grisly i don't know well up I thought I always thought that women only had a certain amount of eggs

They do don't yeah, well, maybe it's like I don't know Maybe it's only produced for a certain amount of time I think they have their eggs at the start a lot of women are gonna email and tell me where I'm wrong So I'm gonna look this up. Oh, yeah women. This is why I always Are women born with their eggs? Their eggs. A female baby is born with all the eggs that she will ever have. This is estimated to be around 2 million.

That's a lot of kids. But by the time a girl reaches puberty, that number's decreased to 400,000. I guess they just perish. From puberty to the menopause, only about 300 to 400 eggs will be released through ovulation. There you go. You start off with way more eggs than you need. Harvest them from the infants. There you go. Right.

Get one baby. You got 400,000 eggs. Job done. Right. They might be quite small though. No, I don't know. Small eggs. Yeah.

It's funny when we talk about women in terms of eggs. Makes them sound like chickens. You want some extra large eggs. Like, like you're at the grocery store. Yeah. Like, I want them extra large. I like you're at the grocery store yeah i want them extra large i want them free range and i know that yeah if you want to get your eggs from a woman you've got to put her in the it's got to be the right hutch nice and warm yeah my egg provider needs to be needs to be free range i can't overemphasize that enough dehumanizing here this is the one thing that

stuck with me from the documentary was that there was this fucking camel right called um camel a camel so obviously what happened was this guy was disgraced right this south korean guy was was who's doing all cloning and stuff was disgraced and he kind of got employed by some high ranking member of the uae because they wanted to breed these racing camels and 10 years ago they had this legendary camel called mabrocan or something he was like this huge um like gigantic camel it was kind of like a freak of nature and they wanted when he died they cut his balls off and put him in a freezer or whatever So they had you know, they'll do that to Shaq when he passes away

So this camel Maybe they'd be kept on ice and they brought this guy in who clones people's pets kind of just because he's mental And they got him to clone this gigantic camel, and he cloned it a bunch of times. And it's fascinating because they also had a guy from Australia who was like the camel breeder. I was like, what the heck is that? And apparently in Australia they have this,

apparently from the north to like, back in the day, the only way to get to the center of Australia from the north was via camel bizarrely and so they have this kind of camel heritage um and a lot of people who know a lot about camels there and so they had this like ragtag team of like south korean disgraced genetic scientist guy australian camel breeder i mean like i love this stuff where it's like you know in in the uae with out in the desert where they built this high-tech lab, you know, and they're like...

We don't call them camels down here. We call them Kalungabungawangas, of course. Yeah. Yeah, so, I don't know, like, that just really, really got me, like, this week. I don't know why it stuck with me. Nothing else I watched. That's interesting.

I've been watching the American Gladiators documentary. Oh. Which is well worth a watch. It's really funny. And it's done in that very sort of modern style with lots of animation and lots of talking heads and stuff. But I remember Gladiators. We didn't call it British Gladiators.

We just called it Gladiators. This was American Gladiators. And it was incredibly dangerous in the first couple of seasons. They had no idea how to be safe. The contestants were getting fucking destroyed. All the gladiators were getting terrible injuries and having to retire. It's really something. Really? And then, of course, it all falls apart.

But it feels like nowadays this kind of shit would just never fucking happen in a million years. That these guys just throw together this terrible TV show. People are getting badly injured and it just it gets picked up and it's just so seat of the pants production um i think it's it's really interesting to see and that this was only the the 89 is when it started just go back and look and imagine that being made today yeah 89 to 96 i think it ran jesus but you wouldn't you could easily have one. Like, it was like, it was still getting there, you know? Yeah, yeah. I didn't realize they were all getting injured and stuff.

Oh, terribly. But I guess it was like very early, like late 80s, that kind of lazy attitude towards safety as well, right? Yeah, but also the games looked terrible, and it was all so low budget, and they just had to get them made to show like the pilot for example everything looks awful the costumes are awful the set is terrible and all these things they just couldn't figure out and then they bring in this director who knows what he's doing he's

like a real weirdo anyway it's really good give it a watch i recommend it nice yeah i'll check that out i've been watching uh race across the world on iPlayer. They go across Canada, so I wanted to see if there was anywhere that they went that I recognized. We talked about Banff last week. They went to Banff. Oh, great. It's all right. I like crappy TV shows. I watch a lot of them.

So how about watch this? There's this new Perry Mason show It's like a remake a reboot. Yeah, but it's set in the 30s So it's like him before he became the Perry Mason that we know So this is my thing is like a detective, right? Why did they call this Perry Mason type figure? Yeah, he's like but he's like a lawyer Perry Mason's a lawyer. Oh, yeah. He's a lawyer So yeah, so he goes into court and he does trials and he's like I think it Perry Mason's a lawyer. Oh, yeah, he's a lawyer. So he goes into court and he does trials. And he's like, I think Perry Mason was like, he wasn't in a wheelchair. That was Ironside.

But Perry Mason was like a fusty old sort of lawyer. And this was a TV show, I think, in the 70s. It might have been in the 60s. I don't know. But he was like, he's a lawyer. It was like a court drama. And so this is the origin story of Perry Mason. And he was like a very grizzled world war one veteran who was kind

of like a shady 30s pi it's kind of noirish it's kind of weird the way it's shot and it's just it's just odd but it's got john lithgow in his fantastic i love john lithgow i think he's one of the most underused actors um and it's got everyone in it is really good remember that famous line of his from dexter when he was the Trinity Killer? He's sitting down for dinner with his family and his wife is like talking and he turns around. He's, shut up, cunt. That's so good. Oh, what a moment.

I don't. I never watched it, but I could imagine him saying that. I'm going to look that up. Look it up. Trinity Killer sitting down for dinner with his family. John Lithgow. Well, that's a perfect place to end. Shut up, cunt.

Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, we'll end here. Thank you, everyone, for listening and enjoy yourselves. Have a good week. Yes. Be good to each other. Have a good one.

All right. And stay frosty. See you next time. Au revoir, mes amis. Goodbye.