Triforce! - Triforce! #27 - Biff, Chip and Floppy

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

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Hello, chums, and welcome to the Triforce THE podcast. How are you guys doing today, Sips and Lewis? Hi chum. I'm good. I'm really good, thanks. Hi pal. How you feeling? Pretty good, friend-o. Friend-o? Nice. Buddy. You know, we talked a little bit last week about everybody loves raymond

and how nobody actually loves raymond or his show um and we talked about frazier i watched so so every morning okay in my house this is how it works okay i wake up i take my son to school i have to walk him to school okay i take him and sometimes we have to pick oh it's like it's like five minute walk it's like really close sometimes i have to pick up his friend along the way as well yeah because it's i've imagined this okay his friend's mom has three kids and and one of them is always sick so we we always end up having to like pick up the friend as well on the way and it's so you're based it's like a quarantine zone you're going around it you're just happy skipping it's all sunny and lovely there's happy music playing yeah yeah it's not really it's stressful because kids are constantly on the brink of killing themselves so

you're you're constantly like get on the sidewalk stay on the sidewalk don't get off the sidewalk and like hold hands everybody hold each other's hands it will be fine so by the time you get to the school you're sweating and you're like really stressed out and stuff okay it's all right it's cool you're ruining this utopian vision i know yeah there's no skipping anyway you get to school and then you have to you have to hang their coats up on the right peg you have to take their snack out and put it in the box there's like a snack box with like what's the snacks they have to have their names on it because everything gets stolen at school you have to have their name like engraved into everything you send them to school even the snacks oh yeah you have to

like brand this this the snack box literally you have to get like these stickers that are unpeelable off once they're put on my god their name like laser printed onto it so there's no smudging and stuff because otherwise you just lose all your shit and it's like expensive to constantly replace Tupperware and stuff.

So this happens, okay? I do this and then I get home. Sorry, okay, we'll cut back to snacks. All right.

So I just want to know what kids eat these days. Beef jerky. All healthy. You're not allowed to give them anything unhealthy anymore, okay?

Beef jerky. When I used to go to school we had a Pepsi machine in the school. Yeah, for real. And you could just buy a Pepsi. Well, not what I was for. But even older at school now, you're not allowed to bring soda. You're not allowed to bring chocolate to school or anything like that. God forbid, anything with peanuts.

Forget about it. Yeah, allergies and stuff are a big thing now. There's a kid in year eight who's allergic to peanuts. So this school is now peanut free. It's pretty incredible. I mean, that's the case at my daughter's school right now. Lewis is just thinking like, shit, why didn't they have that when I was a kid?

Man, I was on a knife edge every day of the week, P-Flex. If it wasn't almost falling into the road or accidentally eating someone else's peanut butter sandwich. Oh, my God. It was you being chased down by them. I can't imagine. I can't imagine being allergic to peanuts and never enjoying the delight that is peanut butter.

Oh, my God. Can you imagine that life? We'll talk about peanut butter later because I actually have some... All right, let him finish his frigging story. Yeah, yeah. So, and then I get home. Okay. after all this is done i get home and then i have to look after the baby for about an hour okay while my wife gets ready and stuff she like she takes the baby to like these you know play groups and to visit other mums and babies and stuff like that

but she takes a full hour to get ready. My wife is the same. She gets up at 6.30 in the morning to get ready to leave at 7.30. She takes a full hour to get ready. Women just take a long time to get ready. Like, it doesn't matter what you say or do, they just take forever. It's a strange proportion, right? The more attractive a woman is, the longer it takes for her to get ready. But it's not like they're actually doing anything specific to beautify themselves you know what i mean like it's like it's it's not like my wife isn't like plastering herself in makeup or anything like that i think she just i think she she sort of

like has a wash and stuff and then i think she just tries on clothes for yeah no that's quite a bit of it basically you're speculating i'm just assuming that this is happening because like like how long realistically does it take to clean yourself not that someone someone should have done a study on this yeah yeah anyway so someone should have figured out what women are doing up there all that time yeah and no one ever has no man has ever investigated we've never looked into it so i look after the baby while this is happening and it's cool i play with her a bit and stuff and it just so happens around this time everybody loves raymond is ending okay the double bill and then the double bill of fraser starts okay so this is a great time of the day when the double

bill of fraser starts so yesterday it was amazing okay the first episode of the day when the double bill of Frasier starts. So yesterday it was amazing. Okay. The first episode of Frasier was the last ever episode of Frasier. And it was like, and it was one of those ones where it was like, you know, they did the, instead of showing the actual footage from like back in 1991,

when the show started, they, they, they like, they gummed it up a bit to make it fit more with the story. Like as it turned out. So like they gummed it up a bit to make it fit more with the story like as it turned out so like they they put them in costume and stuff to make it look like it was from the early days but it wasn't really from the early days it was really clever and stuff and it was good

uh and then you know the episode ends everybody's like niles and daphne had a baby yeah um marty gets married to ronnie and um and and the baby's delivered at that vet by the guy who has sex with a pie, an American pie. And then Frasier gets this like amazing job and goes to San Francisco. And he's sitting on a plane talking to a woman and recounting all the events leading up to him doing this. And that was the last episode. So it ends, right? And then it's meant to be a double bill of fraser so i was like oh shit maybe there's not gonna be a double bill today and then fucking

channel four swoop in they show the first ever fucking episode of fraser when his dad yeah when his dad is moving into the apartment and they're having so like now they're just showing the first series double bills every day and i'm like i'm i'm fucking done i don't know what it is about i'm fully erect all the time you caught it on a cycle i watched the whole thing just like just like you do and every morning it was like a certain time of day and once i finished i'd take the baby to play group that's what i do yeah so it was like we we do we take the youngest we take the eldest to school come back same shit double bill of fraser channel four in the morning and then boom on with my day but that was it we watched that both my kids have watched the entirety the entire run of fraser and at different points it's so fucking good so

and the one that was on today was the one where they they're planning to take the dad to um like this really fancy restaurant they get a reservation off the back of frazier's like street cred and stuff and but then the the reservation's canceled so the dad's like well let's go to the fucking windmill or whatever which is like this shitty steakhouse and then and niles is like super particular about what kind of steak he wants to have and they're all fucking snobby and stuff it's it's the fucking best show bar none it is amazing like it's i'd almost say like it's not as funny as seinfeld it's it's different but it's so fucking well written it's crazy brilliant i i honestly think it is really good it should be

it should be up there with with seinfeld because the characters are so good and the the the interplay between the the two uh the two brothers and their father is just perfect. The only thing I liked is that when they changed Daphne from just being like this oddball psychic to actually being a character, I felt like she was a really tacked on character in the early series. It was just kind of a bit silly. And then I think subsequently they made her a proper character and she was really good. But it took a little while for them to find her i get i know what you mean about being tacked on because i think i think the the sort of the character that's meant to provide that like you know frazier and niles are

super fucking high class snobs and then the character that's meant to bring them down a peg or two is the dad right the dad is just like this blue collar fucking guy that's been shot in the hip and yeah you know just likes to drink beer and eat like you know fucking have his special chair and all the rest yeah yeah yeah yeah but then yeah Daphne just come kind of comes in and she fills that role as well sometimes because she's like kind of fucking behind the times and yeah whatever but yeah I don't know i kind of feel like she's just the character that they have to occasionally deliver a little punch line or to to end a scene with some weird comment that you can't really continue from like when she talks about her

psychic stuff and she's also kind of she's kind of the butt of a lot of jokes in the early series where they sort of roll in their eyes about what a nut she is but yeah but and she's also there purely to be like what was one of the funniest parts of the show was niles interest in her which was which is so brilliantly done fuck and it starts so early i don't remember it starting so early but he's like obsessed with her like from the get-go you know like like all of these early episodes he's like oh i brought dad some devonshire clotted cream and then phrase is like oh for dad right and he's like he's like totally pervert on daphne like she bends over and he's like blushing and stuff yeah it's fucking hilarious

man it's so good it's such a good show one of the things i like about it is that at times it feels more like a sort of british farce than an american sitcom like there's a lot of elements of farce to it where there's there are some episodes where there are literally people hiding in closets and like running from one room to the next just in time as so-and-so enters and yeah we can't let lady davenport see me like this and it is really like that and i think that's funny because they kind of modernized it but it is kind of farcical i like yeah so if you haven't if you haven't watched all of fraser even right up to the end it's fucking good man it's really good it's it's really one of my mates hates that show really absolutely hates it like it's one of the things that he hates more than anything else

is frazier he says it's absolute filth he said that is filth yeah he just as in he just despises it and i'm like how can you hate frazier he just doesn't get it it's a shame but bear in mind that this is this is my mate. He's a lovely guy, but to get ready for work every day, he watches the last 10 minutes of Rocky. Like just the last 10 minutes. What, to like pump himself up? Just to pump himself up. Get ready. Fuck, I thought you were going to say he watches Hollyoaks.

No, just the last 10 minutes of Rocky. I missed it last night. I'm going to watch it before work. Sorry, before work. What does he do as a job? Why does he need to be psyched up so much for the day? I think he works in financial services. He's a meat tenderizer. He's a boxer.

He's a boxer. Boxers the meat. No, he works in financial services or insurances or some shit like that. Jesus Christ. Well, I can understand if he worked in the stock exchange or something, you know, like yelling and fighting and stuff,

but he doesn't need to, he doesn't need to gee himself up, but he does. It's like a ritual. It's good to have these sort of routines in your life, you know. Are you sure? I don't know about watching Rocky. I don't know if that's a routine I need in my life. Like, I've got a lot of things to get pumped up for

as well, but that's overkill that's to me that's too much like one of the things you should do is cultivate good habits like good routines good good things that are good every morning kind of thing you know do you think do you think it's do you think masturbation is something that you could get into a good routine with i was that was on the tip of my tongue well is that okay as a daily habit sometimes more than once a daily habit is that acceptable yeah all right well i don't know because some days like definitely warrant it but like in a routine i don't know if you'd want to be doing it like i think you i think maybe you might have like a bit of a problem if you're

routinely doing it four or five times a day. Yeah. Four or five too many? Well, for a married man. I feel like once a day is fine. Yeah, once a day is fine. Any more than that and, jeez, you're going to wear it out. Yeah. I think that's possible. I think you could, yeah. It's fine, you know. If, uh...

What's fine? It's fine. Yeah. Oh, God. Just the whole, the whole P-Flex just sitting at home all day. Hey, I'm the only man in this house. There's no one around. No kids. No one.

What a feeling. What a feeling. Watch a bit of Frasier. Watch the last 10 minutes of Rocky to G yourself up for a big old blacky session. You get that little tingly feeling where you're like, hang on a sec. I'm alone in this house. Yeah.

And then you lock all the doors and just strip down naked and watch Hollyoaks. I don't lock anything. I might pull the curtains, I guess that would be about it. Do you have a window cleaner? In the old days, you'd take the phone off the hook. But nowadays, you've got to, I mean, you know, that's the thing. In the olden days, if you didn't want to be interrupted, you just lifted up the phone and left it off.

That's it. Nowadays, you've got so many different ways of being contacted. I don't know how people find time for privacy at all anymore. Does this podcast overlap with any of your banking routines, P-Flex? Have you got the phone off the hook right now? That could be our analogy for having a wank. He's, you know, got the phone off the hook. I can't get through to him.

What's he doing in there? Oh, my God. Well, I i mean it is a thing that happens whether people like to admit it or not whether it's in a routine or like i don't think i'd ever be in a routine with it i think i would just be the kind of guy who's like you know what the feeling it's taken me i'm ready to go you need to be inspired like a great like a great writer or an artist you're telling me you need inspiration yeah i'm not feeling it today i just yeah i'm not i'm not i'm not in wanker's block today i don't think wanker's block i can't think of anything sexy everything i'm thinking about is so logical it's not doing it for me at all

i've been having trouble sleeping lately i don't know if you guys get this sometimes if you've been playing a lot of video games especially ones that are quite detailed and involve a lot of focus is that's all your brain thinks about when you go to sleep like I used to get this with Tetris I'd go to sleep and I'd see the little Tetris shapes which is quite a common thing apparently so what happens is I go to sleep and all I can see is tiny little troops on a battlefield or counter-strike stuff it's kind of awkward it's it's a common thing so dreaming is the brain's way of showing this i'm wide awake i've got my eyes closed and all i can see in front of my eyes is counter-strike or or don't yeah your brain is just like you know you know why it's it they say

that you should have an hour between yeah playing video games and going to sleep where you just read or you know like even watching tv is not the best but like reading reading a book or something reading's good something that doesn't involve like a screen with light yeah with bright lights like behind it like backlit or whatever because your brain needs like some time to unwind a bit before that's a good routine to get into actually yeah it's a very healthy one to get into a routine of of um you know going to bed um sort of half an hour an hour early and just doing a bit of reading yeah it's very good for you it's very good for your imagination and your your brain health did you know did you know that you

have really good articles too like they're not the the disgusting ones where it's like i took his rock hard red jackhammer and placed it delicately it's nothing like that it's like you know they're really good like really slamming stuff about issues and sports and stuff did you guys know they they used to people used to sleep twice in the evening they'd have first sleep where they'd go to because if you think about it it was dark like this is it gets dark around you know six or seven or whatever and you've got candles instead of artificial light there's not much you can do in the dark so people will go to sleep quite early then they'd wake up in the middle of the night maybe they'd pray have a little snack maybe they'd have sex and then they go back to sleep quite early. Then they'd wake up in the middle of the night. Maybe they'd pray, have a little snack.

Maybe they'd have sex. And then they'd go back to sleep for a second sleep and wake up at dawn. What about siestas, though? That's still like a done thing, isn't it? In like hot countries. Yeah, that's different though, isn't it? They go inside and close all the blinds, cool down the room and just have a sleep because it's too hot to be outside. It's way too hot to be outside in those countries in the middle of the day.

I mean, nobody does anything. Like all the locals locals no one goes out they just fucking all the stores close and stuff yeah i wish we did that over here like any excuse really just to have like a a little cheeky nap sort of thing but like i think if people could get together and get behind that idea we'd have to call it something different because siesta is clearly like you know what do you want to call it i don't know sleepy time just something familiar yeah i mean the kids are doing it anyway right the kids kids still do that school like no they don't you know it's crazy they don't know

like my son's not even five yet and he's already learning to read and shit and like yeah it's hard it's full-on they do have at my daughter's school, a quiet area. And if you are really tired, you can go and have a sleep. And she sometimes does. But they have this. She never does that at home, but only at school. They have a whole system now for like abuse monitoring. So like if a child does something that's like a little bit sort of not even completely out of the ordinary.

They just have like a list of signs to look out for to like almost like open an investigation into a child being in a home that's not adequate or or abuse or whatever i guess they said there are lots of telltales like being tired all the time some of this stuff that's like like the quiet space you know like if every day your kid is going in the quiet space that would be a big trigger for them they'd be like why is this kid fucking tired all the time what's going on at home well let's do an investigation and then fucking they get the fbi involved and stuff and like holy drones that's the future drones yeah pretty much uh your son has been quoting lines from fraser every day

he's talking about these people that he knows called daphne and he says they're better than his real mom and uh we're a bit worried about that why what's with the mr hanky voice it's the principal uh yeah schools are are much different to what they used to be lewis they don't have a sleepy time anymore it's all like full-on learning and like homework like my son he's four he gets fucking homework man like it's crazy he has this book that he has to read okay and it's like pam has a pot like that that's what like that's one page okay and the next page is tom has a pot and then to throw it in so that they're not cheating and just like assuming that all they need to read is the person's name it'll be like bob has a mop it's just like it's like a little curveball yeah it's clever it's really

clever but like they gotta stay on their toes and you think you know what if i was four and i was doing all that shit hell yeah i'd be ready for sleepy time all the time like that is gonna tax you hard god i'd love it if they don't have it one more after their homework and it's like, okay, children, today we're going to test you on your homework. So, question one. Who has a mop? Is it Tom? Don't copy him, Charlie. Is it Tom or is it Bob?

They all have to have three-letter names because those are easy. is it bob they all have to have three letter names because those are easy because like the way they learn now too is they like a lot of it is they they recognize patterns so like they'll see the word the a lot and then they'll just know it you know without they call them sight words yeah yeah but now like they do a lot of phonetic stuff too so like so like um for, they'd have to sort of sound it out to spell it. So it'd be like, Bob, you know, like it almost sounds like you're saying it sort of thing. So it's weird. The words they choose to do that are very, like a lot has gone into this shit. Like it's not just, they haven't just come up with it.

I remember the books when I was a kid were fucking awful. But now it's like, it's really clever because the words that they choose for people are ones that like Biff is one of them and Chip is another one. So they're very, if you can sound out the letters and get those sounds down, it all flows from there. But there's a dog called Floppy, which is kind of weird. And it's just a few things, Biff and Chip and floppy i mean who the hell has these names nobody yeah floppy is like kind of a tough one i think biff is probably the easiest chip is hard because it's the chip yeah they're not like they're not like you know on top

of the they're not into the the compound yeah so they'll look when they spell out chip they'll be like so it doesn't sound like chip at all you know what i mean like but like floppy would be a pretty tough one too because longer yeah yeah it's weird man it's just the way that it is now we we they're coming up in this generation of ipads and the internet and and social media and stuff like that and that their whole experience of childhood and everything is going to be like vastly different to ours yeah so so different it does beg the question like

what you know these kids are you know we've spent a lot of time planning this okay probably there's a whole there's a whole probably like detailed line of thinking behind Biff Chip and Floppy loads of people loads of scientists, loads of nerds in the room sat around

We gotta think up a real humdinger this time. We need to cover all the phonetic vowels. What about Floppy? Great idea, Chip. Floppy's good. Put it on the big board. Floppy's in. We're gonna go with Floppy. Anyone got a problem with Floppy?

No? Going once, going twice. Sold. Floppy it is. Now, which character is going to be called floppy? I was thinking the mother could be called floppy. No, that's terrible. Let's go with the god. You fucking idiot.

That's not a mother's name. That's an insult. Oh, God. So, poor old floppy getting a short end of the stick. Mrs. Floppy. So, these kids, right, the next generation that grow up with all of these benefits, like, you know, Wikipedia, they can just look anything up anytime they want. They don't have, like, you know.

Do you think they're going to be, like, the next tier of super smart? No, and I'll tell you why. No, they're going to be dumb as hell. They're going to be emotionally crippled as well through all this. I think they're going to be very fragile emotionally. And I think they're also going to be used to things being easy. What do you mean by that? So what do you mean by those two things?

I mean, first of all, I think that because of the nature of the internet, if you think a thing, you don't have to doubt that you're right anymore. Because you'll find a community of people out there that agree with you wholeheartedly and tell you how right you are and how wrong everybody else is and how yes this is the truth and this is the way things are and it's affirming and it affirms things that are actually often very negative and very wrong and i think that that's a big the biggest problem with the internet is that it's given previously disparate groups of people who shouldn't get together the ability to get together and say fuck yeah there's loads of us and we're right and they build a community around these stupid ideas regardless

of what they are so are you talking about sort of philosophical religious ethical kind of things as opposed to facts everything oh really it's not fact-based anymore but you reckon that kids don't believe in evolution and climate change and all these other things? I think it's very easy for them to get fooled by things that are presented as facts. Because, I mean, look at Donald Trump. I don't want to talk about politics, but he did talk recently about how a lot of the stuff that he found out about Hillary, he got it from the Internet. And Bill O'Reilly was on Fox News saying, did you fact check it? He was like, what do I know about facts?

It's on the internet. And he was like, you've got to check that. Like, this is Bill O'Reilly. I mean, you've got to understand that Donald Trump is a 71-year-old man now. But it doesn't matter. Yeah, Bill O'Reilly is saying, you've got to check that. I'm like, Bill O'Reilly is calling someone out on fact checking. Yeah, but if my gran said to me, I found it on the internet,

I'd be like, okay, gran, I get it, you know. But I think we represent this middle ground of people who remember pre-internet and have always treated the internet with a healthy amount of suspicion. I don't know. I think that the next generation will be like, I don't know. I don't think they will be emotionally crippled. I think it'll be the opposite. I didn't say crippled.

I said fragile. I don't think they'll be emotionally immune. I think when you grow up in this nation where you know internet trolls look at look at Twitch chat you know cappers

look at Barry you know look at look at people look at the younger generation of people who are just

they're just just they don't give a shit about they couldn't care less they're not fragile I don't think I think they're the opposite

of fragile I think they're more resistant to what we are. They have an idea of how things should be and are, and they've had that reflected back to them so many times that if they run into problems or disagreements, it's no longer we can agree to disagree or a debate. It's literally, it's just vicious.

Everybody hates each other, and it's just vicious. Everybody hates each other. And it's just this separating out into these groups. Previously, we just kind of this large, disparate group of people or dissipated kind of collection of opinions. Everybody could agree to get along more or less. And there wasn't quite the same angle that everybody's got. So they're fragile in the sense that

the moment their view is challenged, this is huge. You know, we're losing. It's like, it's always become some kind of contest about which opinion is going to be the right one. Everyone's always been the same. No, it hasn't. It has, absolutely it has.

We all have our echo chambered beliefs on what we completely believe in and completely don't believe in. Right, but how were they echoed before? What was the echo chamber previously? It's either things like the church, you know. If you're going to go to... You know how religious people are.

And this is a thing that we should totally avoid talking about because it's impossible to get around. But I think what we're going to have is... Do you think, in fact, we're going to have loads of wars and battles between people of different kind of belief systems. No, because the other thing is people are so fucking lazy. Do you know what's really interesting about all this, though? Like wars and religion stuff aside.

You know, I don't think now with technology the way it is and society the way it is and how far we've come. and society the way it is and and how far we've come in a couple of years or maybe even now quite possibly you're not you're never going to have your house egged ever again because people don't go outside anymore so like the new house egging is going to be getting trolled online yeah that's it try that one halloween will be done online all online please pay exactly a bunch of sweets deliver me a gigantic bag of of candy because i went on all these websites and it'll be a bunch of candy for free yeah because digital candy is a lot healthier yeah because even christmas is getting lazy now like i was talking to this woman the other day and she's she's she's a bit older she's like you know 65 or something and i was like man it's crazy how soon christmas comes long it's gonna be in like a month or whatever she has like grandkids

and stuff she's like oh yeah i'm never ready for it but what i do now is i just go on amazon i order the stuff and they wrap it all for them and everything and they deliver it and it's done yeah and i'm like yeah cool. Yeah, nice. Merry Christmas. I mean, you can't fault that. No, you can't, but it's changing. Do you think everyone's getting lazy or mad? That's an interesting way to look at it. You know what? It's so bad, though.

Even now, it's like, oh, so like, do your kids, you know, ask for things from Santa? No, no, they just have a list. There's a Facebook widget. They can put together what they want with links to amazon so all i did was went on there and i followed the links and just bought everything they wanted all right it's crazy but that's the thing because everything's so fucking lazy yeah but it's also easy who's gonna do hard work you don't even need to know these people that you're buying shit for anymore you know like back in the day it was like okay i know that fucking bobby really likes marvel superheroes so maybe i can go out and get him like a signed

comic or something like that you actually had to put a little bit of thought into what you were getting because you would also be faced with these people as well right a lot of this like amazon gift buying shit is happening overseas like i won't see you on christmas i don't give a fuck like amazon could just wrap your shit give you exactly what you want fucking check box check done bring on next christmas card to you yeah exactly it's like it's crazy lazy now it's not when i see a card with that little moon pig logo on i i think less of the person who sent it instantly same here e-cards can fuck off as well if you're sending me an e-card you're dead to me with that little Moon Pig logo on, I think less of the person who sent it instantly. Same here. E-cards can fuck off as well.

If you're sending me an E-card, you're dead to me. Like, I don't want a fucking email card from you. Shut your E-card up your E-arse. I don't fucking want your E-card. I'm going to send you... There should be a counter Moon Pig website so that if you get a Moon Pig card, you can send them a card that just fuck your lazy Moon Pig shit.

That's all the card says. Yeah. That's it. And it doesn't get delivered pig says like sends physical cards right no they do yeah yeah but it's just printed it's a trashed inscription yeah and they're they're customized as well so like you can put somebody's name in print and stuff i don't like that like i like i like cards that were i you know, not customized. You know, you knew that somebody had to seek out this card and find a really good card. It's like perfectly printed with like... I 100% agree. Like, I've got a load of letters from my dad that he sent me when I was, you know, away from...

Like, when I went off to university and we kind of communicated via letter. Because that was just something that that I was living in a place that didn't have internet access for a while. And then another time I was doing some other stuff. Anyway, and I've still got those. And they're actually really amazingly nice things to have in a weird way. And if they were emails, I would have printed them out. I mean, I would have done what?

You would have archived them and never looked at them again. But you've got this physical thing that somebody sat down. The only thing with letters sometimes you have to be careful of is that they're like a therapy tool, right? Sometimes people will like pour out in a letter and it's like, okay, just send me a letter. Tell me how the fucking dog is and stuff. And that's it.

Here's the thing about writing a letter. I't want to hear about this your big girth and and people people when you write a letter you can't just delete like backspace it out and you can't adjust it and edit it as you go to be this this thing that's filtered through your mind you have to kind of you have to sit there and think what do i want to say how am i going to say this yeah in one go and then you do it and it's it's strangely i guess in a way it doesn't always encompass exactly what you wanted to say um but it is certainly a more small natural stream of consciousness i don't know they always seem super dramatic too it's got a voice like letters always seem really dramatic because you can start them anyway right you can be like son comma i miss you dearly me and your mother son i have something to say to you i would normally never have told you this but

son i've never loved your mother the woman is a bitch i thought you're gonna say i have a small dick and that's where the letter gets awkward right because all of a sudden it's like with a man i've fallen in love with Tony. He's the janitor of my office. Please see enclosed photo of Tony. This is me and janitor Tony kissing. But letters are like that though sometimes, right? Because they are dramatic.

And it's like people have to go out of their way to sit down and think about things to write and stuff. And that's when the emotional outpouring comes, and sometimes you have to be very careful of opening a letter. I'm just saying. Do you know what I found a couple of years ago at Mrs. F's, like, her house, like her parents' house, was a bunch of the letters that we had sent between each other when we were about 18 or 19. So this was like really early in our relationship, sort of love letters, I guess, but also because when we were at university together, we were at the same university for the first two years. Like we both left Dorset and both went to the same university, um, you know,

as a couple, um, we lived together for the first two years. And then I had to go to London to do my industrial placement year and she stayed on and finished her third year. And then I had to go back and do my fourth year and she started work so we were apart for like two years i mean we'd see each other in all the holidays and stuff like that but this was obviously pre-internet so there was no skype there was no yeah there was we never could like text each other throughout the day until like 2000 i think maybe late Maybe late 99, early 2000. And the messages on them were fucking awful. Like you had to send.

Yeah, yeah. There was no culture for texting like that either. You just didn't do it. And typing them, there was no keyboard. So you had to press the one three times to get an A. Yeah, yeah. Man, people got really fast at that though. God, didn't they?

I remember my wife had a phone like that. And I'd look over i'd hear like tap tap tap tap tap what the fuck i'd look over and she'd just like look just like bashing out this text message it's like when people hold their phone like it's with both their thumbs they type them with two thumbs like that on it on there i can't do that shit i'm like one hand and i'm like very one finger as well anymore because it's a fucking lost skill like it's completely in that in pointless now yeah that the skill of being able to touch three three three times to get to a p or whatever

smartphone and you know what you see people typing on the keyboard and i see them holding it so that they're two thumbs so they're like it's like a left hand and a right hand you were talking about when you had to have a phone with the which only had a number pad but it had like abc yeah yeah i mean that was one thing but now like i do see people that is a lost art yeah that is a lost art you're right i don't even know if it was an art to begin with to be honest though let's be honest like it was like it was like those carnies you know when there's an art you're right i don't even know if it was an art to begin with to be honest though let's be honest like it was like it was like those carnies you know when they you know like they they they work the ride so often the spinning teacups they can like dance in between them and it looks like they're about to kill themselves but they're never going to because that's all they do all day the

carny ballet but that's not an art though is it like that's just sad i think it's a nice thing look it doesn't just doesn't have to be hanging in a gallery for it to be art it doesn't need to be dancing in between teacups at breakneck speeds either to be art i think because of what it represents which is this person has seen the teacup ride so many thousands of times this person literally has nothing else in their life that this is all they're good at their brain is hardwired to dodge teacups at high speed and move with apparent grace but it's actually quite a sad story about how they got there i think that's what's unhealthy sweaty either in the process and just generally looking like some sort of degenerate so we're all gonna have bursts of

tears when you start telling us about these love letters have you got any excerpts that are pg or are they all like full james joyce like you know i can't wait i can't wait to ram you hey babe how about we try fisting next time

i bet you i bet you your ones are all about fist over christmas no i bet you let's remit pflex's ones happy christmas let's have a happy christmas oh my god That's fist over Christmas. No, I bet you P-Flex's ones.

Let's have a happy Christmas. Oh my God. Let me go get them because I know where they are. And I'll see if I can find one that's appropriate. I'll be back. Merry Fistmas, baby. I think they're all going to be, all of P-Flex's ones are going to be, you know, just like about football. Like, yeah, love.

I went to see the football. It was Timmy. Timmy Mason was up front. Timason was up he scored a hat trick oh it was beautiful love if only you'd be there to see it with me of course we played a young green greenham in defense so he wasn't very good uh didn't think much of that you know because i think that's kind of how people they love that in football eh when it's a young lad he's just starting he's 16 years old oh full of potential god he got his first goal oh god the whole crowd was so proud of him but his dad like sorry not so much something dad wanted him to become a bean counter but uh you know football he was

true calling yeah the feet of the grass calls to him he was born to put on those boots and man sports are dramatic too aren't they they're always like that yeah like especially in in england i find that they make sports seem so dramatic like in north america they're dramatic enough but there's always just like a like the story is always somebody's really good at sports they get a scholarship they go to a good college or university um to learn something that they'll never do anything with because they're so fucking good at sports and then they enter into like the major leagues or whatever and they dominate for a couple of years and they get older they retire and then you see them on tv all the time like charles barkley doing like old spice

commercials and stuff yeah and it's not like super dramatic but like i don't know i find in england with like football and stuff it's like the bitch was calling to him and stuff and it's like fuck off this guy's gonna fucking play football for like three years and then he's gonna get really shitty arthritis in his knees or whatever and he's gonna retire as like a multi-millionaire and that's it like the pitch calling go fucking somewhere with that nobody cares about that i don't know i think a lot of them are like a lot of the footballers are just not that you're talking about the ones who are at the right at the top you know a lot of them are just kind of just, you know, they're only able to do it for a couple of years.

And sometimes they play for Lea Norian, you know, midfielder for a while. Some people go on forever, though, too. They make a bit of money, but then they have to get a real job after that. You know, not everyone's going to be Gary Lineker and have a BBC presented job. That's true. Man, I wonder what P-Flex is doing.

I think, do you know what's happened? I think he's gone out of his room. He's writing them manually now. I can't find them. I'm, do you know what's happened? I think he's gone out of his room. He's writing them manually now. I can't find them. I'm going to be so embarrassed. Oh shit, I'm going to have to retrospectively write a love letter to my... None of these are about fisting at all. Oh shit,

when would we have sent these? Was it like late 90s? Oh shit, what was happening in the late 90s? Maybe he's just like looking at them thinking, oh my god, these are so embarrassing. No, but I think what's happened is he's gone out of his room no

and because this is this is what happens oh shit you're back he's back you've got out of your room and there's someone's accosted you immediately right in the hallway

it's like there's a kid there it's like oh have you finished recording can we play this now I could I swear that's what happened right no

someone else oh this is normally um this is normally dad's these are completely inappropriate this is normally time for you to draw the curtains Yeah

Give me ten minutes, lads I just need to draw the curtains I think these might be too personal to read, honestly I was going to say, I wouldn't want to read mine We have some of those, too I wouldn't want to read them You don't have to, P-Flex, I'm not expecting you to

It does give us a snapshot of 90s life. I guess the thing I said to Sips was, is it something where, because they were kind of, they weren't special back then. It was just normal, okay? It was just the way you communicated. So you just shared mundanities. You just talked about what was going on and the weather and just the stuff like the kind of small talk. It wasn't, you weren't imparting some great, you know, wonderful, you weren't writing poetry and you weren't writing, you know, anything that was groundbreaking or some sort kind of, you know, something that maybe your gran includes in a Christmas card, you know,

to someone that she's not seen for a while, you know, an auntie or whatever. Everything's going well over here, but someone who doesn't use the internet, you know? No. Well, old people like from that era as well are petrified of like the phone too, right? Like my grandma, for for example she's like in her 90s when i talk to her on the phone long distance she is just like stressed to fuck about it thinking that she's gonna get a big bill or whatever so she's like hello hi grandma how are you yeah i'm good okay goodbye bye grandma that's it that's that's it because she's like back then you know you could go bankrupt with long distance bills but nowadays

it's not they're not they're not bad you know we're so connected worldwide now it's it's not a problem but um well maybe she's just she's not she's not hip with that you know she's not a problem. But she's not hip with that, you know? She's not up to speed. She still thinks that she's got to be careful with a long distance call, you know? They are handling the phone. This is a pretty good one. And this does kind of give you a snapshot of 90s life.

I'll just read a couple of excerpts. So has it got a date on it, first of all? This is 3rd of November, 1998. So this is nearly 20 years old, this letter. You actually dated and timestamped your letters? That's cool. Yeah, of course you've got to write on them. Of course you have.

I never did. So this is about three years after we met, this letter. So I'm in my third year at university, and she is back in Dorset. Sorry, no, I'm in my fourth year. I've started my final year, and she's back in Dorset. The, no, I'm in my fourth year. I've started my fourth, my final year, and she's back in Dorset, and she's living... The internet is definitely a thing. I mean, I'm playing, like, but it's not a very... You have to dial up to it, you know?

Yeah, I mean, we had it at university, but none of us had it in the house. Like, at the house, in any of the four years I was at university, at no point did anybody have the internet in the house. But it was still, it was brand new and it seemed like it was going to be kind of exciting. But at the same time, I thought, this is never going to catch up. I had a Nintendo and I was playing, you know, Zelda and Banjo-Kazooie and stuff, I think,

in about 1998. That's what I was doing in 1998. I think that's when, so the PS1 is out. The Nintendo 64 is out. The N64 is out. Actually, I think by 98, I think PS2 is out. The Nintendo 64 is out. The N64 is out. Actually, I think by 98, I think PS2 is out. Maybe. Yeah, maybe, actually.

PlayStation 2. We used to hire one from Blockbusters in 1995, 96, in that year when we were at university. And we would go to Blockbusters. You had to put down a £50 deposit, which was crazy money for a student. And then we'd hire it over the weekend and we'd play games all weekend on the ps1 sorry i lied ps2 didn't come out until 2000 march 4th 2000 so this was still ps1 n64 and i guess dreamcast

maybe would have been the dreamcast would have probably been it wasn't really big in the uk no it wasn't but i mean i think it was out yeah it came out in japan in 98 and then it came out in north america in 99 okay and so just september 99 north america in october 99 in europe you know i like the way we we we date our history based on what consoles were around at the time and what we were. 98, yeah, now that was, Super Nintendo was on the wane. PS1, I believe. And N64 definitely. Nintendo 64 was 96.

Yeah. So I was 16 when it came out. Wow. So I was... It does anchor you in time, though, because you think, okay, yeah, this is what I was doing at that time. You know, I remember when I was about,

you know, when I first went to school, you know, the school computer room was this weird place of like it was it didn't certainly didn't have any internet connectivity the computers were massive and weird and you had to log in on like kind of all the because all the monitors were huge it was that that era of every monitor was huge and it was it was a strange time anyway big monitors and bigger women so this is this is a snapshot of the last of the letters, really. Because after this, it did become mobile. Mobile phones were a big thing.

And then people sent emails. And then it just stopped. Yeah. So this is the... Yeah. So this is like... You were the last of the letter centers, generally. Yeah, this is it.

This is the last letter ever sent. This is the last one that was hand-delivered by Kevin Costner himself. Thrashed it into a young child's hand. That's right. So there's a little bit of kerfuffle before. And then she says, at the moment, I'm sitting in your living room in Westbourne. This is where my mum lived because I have an interview. I was supposed to walk the dogs with your mum, but she had obviously forgotten that I was coming as she is out with the dogs now.

Now, that wouldn't happen now because you'd call them on their mobile and say, where are you? Oh, I just left them at the end of the road. So Mrs. F goes to my mum's house. My mum's just left with the dogs. That's it. There's no solution to this. How did she let herself in? Luckily, I called your sister before she left for work. So my sister was home. She bumped into her and she let her in. She said, and my sister was having boyfriend troubles at the time. Anyway, I've had a cuddle with the cat and now I'm going to read my novel. Oh, sorry. Novell Network Manuals. So this was before her first job. So she graduated university in that. So before that summer. So now she'd moved back to Bournemouth. I'd spent the summer in Bournemouth with her. and now I've gone back to university

and she's trying to get a job in Bournemouth as a postgrad so this was her studying for her first ever job Novell Network Manual Novell Network Manuals, yeah because then she went to work in a company I remember that does that still exist?

I have no idea I can't remember what it was did they make a browser or something? I have no idea. What did they even do? I can't remember what it was. Did they make a browser or something? I can't remember. I mean, I think they did a lot of server stuff. It was, yeah. I think it's like Cisco did the same stuff. Like you don't have a Cisco PC in your house, probably.

But if you work in a large server room, then you'll know like Cisco and all those, and Sun Microsystems and all these companies. So they're sort of the B2B end of computing of it was a network operating system developed by novell there you go it initially used cooperative multitasking to run various services on a personal computer using the ipx network protocol wikipedia original network product in 1983 supported clients running both cp slash and MS-DOS, ran over a proprietary star network topology and was based on a novelt built file server using the Motorola 68000 processor. What a time to be alive it was. Please.

What a time. Stop. Holy crap. Shit. And then she says, I hope you've been making the most of the gym today. I wish I had access to a gym. And once I've got a job job i won't have the time either what gym oh i think in the final year my friends and i decided we were going to become

massive and we still there was a typical thing to do in school isn't it it's like what are we gonna do now let's get fucking huge let's get let's do drugs or let's fucking drink a lot or let's get huge that those i love this is from both angles, right? This is her way of saying... Get to the fucking gym. No, this is her way of saying, man, I'm thinking about your sexy beefcake body. That's what she's saying.

What could be a sexy beefcake body? She's about to draw the curtains and think about old Ted. Buff Ted. She's thinking, oh, look at him. I don't think him do it like that i think they have they like candles and sit in the bath and think about it like a guy will draw the curtains and just start wailing away but like women are different the moment has to be just right i think they just fucking do it all the time wouldn't you there's no evidence no one could

really tell you're doing it in my current mindset i would i would if i was i would but i don't know if i was actually like if i was born uh a woman and i had the same sort of like um five boobs i'd be playing with them all the time i say that now as a guy yeah i would play with my own boobs all the time but like if i'd always had them maybe i wouldn't you know i've always had a dick and i fucking won't leave it alone yeah i know but like yeah i'm touching myself right now guys let me just keep it in your pants for now oh my i'm just i'm just so what's gonna see you i'm not even in a sexy way i'm just fiddling with my balls yeah that happens i'm wearing track pants it's so easy i can't stop all right gentlemen so this letter oh, it's a nice snapshot.

So you're obviously, I like how it reminds you of stuff that you thought you'd do at university as well. But it also, it's like, you know, two distant lovers. Man, it's sweet. It's nice. It's really sweet. Yeah. Yeah. It's weird how it kind of paints a whole picture, though, right?

Yeah. From that letter. You know, we've got this whole picture of where, because you have to say where you, that's the thing that you did when you sent a letter. You said where you are, what you're doing right now. It's a snapshot. You don't really get that with emails, do you?

People don't say, I'm sitting in my living room on my computer. You know, it's almost obvious. Whereas when you're writing a letter, sometimes you'd be doing it in the study. You might be doing it in the garden. You might be doing it anywhere, you know. True. People don't preface an email from their phone saying, I'm currently, you know, whatever, you know, wherever the fuck they are.

Well, sometimes they do. I guess if they're writing an email from the top of Everest, they would. Well, no, because you can just do like, you can just do that. Geolocation. That's right. Yeah. So you don't even need to tell people because most people are snooping on you anyway where was this text message sent from oh no from bill's bedroom oh my she said she was in town buying some carrots what a bitch it was a bitch there's also a letter from my mom

this is this isn't that old this goes to show that my mom still sends letters and she sent it was a bitch there's also a letter from my mom this is this isn't that old this goes to show that my mom still sends letters and she sent it on a tiny scrap of paper barely a6 sized and she's just included it with some photos i don't know why she sent me physical hard copy photos this is only about eight years ago and it says hope you like the enclosed i have no idea why there is japanese writing on them i must have pressed something on the camera. So there's these old pictures of me and the babies and stuff. And there's in the corner, just all this Korean writing. It's not Japanese.

It's Korean. So she just fucking pressed something. But it looks, it's so weird that there's this picture with this Japanese writing. And my mum must have done something with her phone. That's funny. That's amazing. It must be the date format or something. That's funny. That's amazing. It must be the date format or something. Something, yeah.

That's crazy. I love it. Oh, that's such a classic. Because I guess that's a sort of Korean camera that she bought somewhere or got for Christmas or whatever. Please overlay Korean writing on all my pictures. And it's like you sitting there with your bald head, like in a nappy, like with your thumb in your mouth,

playing with your dick. No, this is from eight eight years ago i wasn't a baby eight years ago this is me holding a baby eight years ago my baby i just assumed that mums always sent pictures of stuff like that no once you have babies mums don't give a shit about your baby pictures they want to see baby pictures of their grandchildren like you you've been relegated now grandchildren are all it is that's it right i see so something something in their mind switches it's like yeah okay now this is the this is the important person to bring up i've been i was thinking right like my kids and sips is in the same boat my our kids fucking love us right now right they think we're in a thing we're the best i mean i am in a boat right we are both in a love boat our kids love us but one boat think about this how often do you

run to your parents now and go daddy daddy or mommy mommy oh you're the best and give a massive hug compared to when you were a kid you don't because you're a grown-up literally never hi mom hi daddy all right you know it's it's completely different so they it's like having your heart broken when your kids grow up like i really think it must be like that where you stop having that affection and it's tragic so when they have grandchildren it completely reinvigorates the grandchildren love them just the way and it reminds them it takes them all all the way back to when they had kids so i kind of think it's it's a massive piece of nostalgia oh man i've gotta go and hug my mum. Give her a kiss. Some people are closer to their parents than others.

It's true. I'm not super close to my parents, but my wife is really close to her parents. They're always hugging and stuff. It's nice, actually. But my parents live super far away. I barely ever see them and stuff. I mean, you'd have to portage to get to them. I'd have to portage a long-ass way just to give myage a long ass way just to give my mom a hug i would hug you but i've been portage for two weeks to get

here my shoulders are killing me mom just leave i need some rest did you get the letter we sent we sent it on the portage post man uh we we were kind we were a bit concerned. Dad sent the letter and actually thought maybe you shouldn't read it because he was being really derogatory towards me. We just had a fight and it was an emotional outpour in the letter. Did you read it? He was calling me floppy. That's his nickname for me and it's really not a not a flattering one i don't know if he's referring to my breasts or the weird skin flaps underneath my arms because i'm old oh man geez little little biff little biffs hope little biffs doing well

and chip are doing well your mom floppy is too oh for fuck's sake hey another thing i want to just add quickly uh before hopefully a bodega you know on the topic of things being easy and kids having it easy and stuff like that and the expectation is now that things will just work right like everything you know, on the topic of things being easy and kids having it easy and stuff like that. And the expectation is now that things will just work, right? Like everything, you know, everything has been refined so much now that it's, you know, this thing's still kind of break or whatever, but you don't have, it was rampant, right? In the eighties. Nothing, nothing fucking worked. Okay. You'd buy like a food processor or something.

It wouldn't work. It would just sit there and gather dust. Like nobody cared about it. Nobody would ever want to fucking figure out how to do it. It just looked cool and you got it for somebody as a president or whatever and it never fucking worked. You know, like SodaStream never fucking worked. The ice cream factory that you got when you were a kid never worked.

You know what I mean? Like like nothing nothing fucking ever worked like your expectations were so low of shit in the in the 80s and the 90s like nobody cared yeah but now it's like everything has to work everything is online all the time no problems there's a tech support guy you can phone 24 7 and he's gonna you know everything's gonna work for you it's it's it's really weird isn't it like how how things have changed in like yeah in like 20 years i guess and it always like the shit auto patches like you can send stuff but you can get refunds or stuff way more easily online you can just send it back and it's it it does seem a lot a lot easier in the yeah in the past shit was broken all the fucking time and and and it it back and it does seem a lot easier. In the past, shit was broken all the fucking time.

And it was accepted that it was just broken and nobody really cared. Nobody cared. We lived in a broken world. It was a broken world. And everything was closed. Shit was closed

all the fucking time. Nowadays, everything's open. You'd turn up, you'd be like, I need to get something. You go to the store, it's closed down?

What? It's closed. When? Yeah, it's just gone. That actually yeah she's gone that actually did happen a lot yeah maybe that was just the ravages of time though maybe that was like oh it was 10 years since i visited yeah that's true yeah holy shit so do we have a bodega bodega oh we do yeah we do i. Yeah. Are you ready?

What's nine for nientes? Nino? Nueno. Nino. So translate from English. Nueve. There is a... I just looked up bodega t-shirt. You actually have to type in bodega t-shirt.

Yogg's cast. Because otherwise you get loads of others. Yeah, like this bodega bay place, apparently. That's a big place. I love it. I'm very, very happy with it. And I'm not just saying. Where did the shirt plug come from?

It's Lewis, isn't it? I feel like we need to. I feel like we're not earning enough money. People need to get paid from this podcast somehow. I feel like I want the cheddar to roll in at an alarming rate. And if you want to just send us cash money, please do that. That's fine. Just send it.

Hell yeah, in an envelope all crinkled up. Me and Sips are fine, but Peefax has got like five kids and cousins and brothers and grands and everything. I need help, folks. I need help. Everyone's begging for cash. Have to stop writing letters to people because they can't afford the phone.

Oh, dear. Yeah. Your dear mum floppy. She hasn't had heat for a year. You desperately need some money. Turn that heat back on. They have nothing. Biff has a pot.

Chip has a mop. That is all. Now read it. It'll be a test tomorrow. Bodega. Let's go. Part 8. When Bodega got really upset, there were three likely outcomes.

Option 1. Go blow up the nearest big thing. Could be a pirate base, could be a veterans hospital. Didn't matter. Something is getting vaporized. Generally speaking, he went after baddies, like a veterans hospital for soldiers that had become veterans by slaughtering innocent people. Imagine a retirement home for space Nazis. It's still a veterans hospital, and it's still full of the shuffling elderly, but come on, flav those guys. Option two, get blind drunk and crash his ship into something large. Then hop out,

argue about quantum insurance with whichever moron confronted him, and then blow the whole place up. Option three, sit on a rock. Bodega was sat on a rock. The universe breathed a collective sigh of relief. The rock-sitting option was the one reserved for when Bodega wasn't just upset in a regular way, but in a really baffling how-the-flav-did-that-happen way, for when he needed time to get his head around the problem. This rock was on a tiny planetoid called Mu in the mostly uncharted BV332 Delta system. Bodega liked this spot because the view was so insane it took his mind off his troubles. And it also had a really bizarre atmosphere that was alcoholic, around 6% proof. You could just sit here and breathe and get nicely loaded and check out the overhead vista

of four galaxies colliding. The sky on the dark side of BV332 Delta Mu was ablaze with billions of stars battling each other for supremacy and generally exploding or dragging each other's guts all over the darn sky. This was what gravity was designed to do. Pull things to shreds, take the beautiful and render it down to its component atoms. It took the free and the liberated and made them its slave. Bodega could feel the atoms of his own body and hoped that one day soon someone would spread them around their galaxy so he couldn't feel this pain anymore. It was his brain atoms that were currently giving him the

most pain. He toyed with his lasgun, running a finger over the muzzle brake at the end of the barrel. Would he even feel it? He tossed the lasgun to one side. Life went on. Surely life went on, even when your gal has partnered up with one of the largest anuses in the known universe. has partnered up with one of the largest anuses in the known universe. Tan-flaving Blatchman. First of all, how the scriv had that mongrel clogger not died at the Pulsar Sex Pit self-defense massacre? This was Blatchman we're talking about, and he is a canny bastard, but still, that place was leveled fairly convincingly.

Bodega was glad Blatchman was alive. It meant he could kill him, and properly this time, by hand, one hand, and by the balls. Killing a man with one hand and applying lethal force via the balls only was something Bodega reserved for real, actual bastards like Blatchman. He called the technique the Way of the Exploding Plums. It was taught only in the most prestigious dojos

by the most adept grandmasters of hand to groin combat. He'd taken out a patent and everything. Every time someone used the wave the exploding plums technique he got a small royalty payment. It was a nice little earner. Just as he was flexing his right hand and grinning in anticipation of feeling

Tan Blatchman's naked scrotum nestled in his palm, two things occurred to him. Firstly, that was the single most homoerotic thought Bodega had ever had, and secondly, that it might really upset Majesta if he were to do this. These were followed by a third quick follow-up thought, which was, flav that bitch, he couldn't bring himself to hurt her directly, but flav her and flav that mewling Blatchmanite she called a child. Hey mister, something wrong?

Asked a small voice to his left. Bodega turned slowly to see a small pink creature shaped, and if this wasn't proof of a crazy god at the heart of all things, then nothing was like a dildo. It was a dildonian. A people shunned

through necessity. A dildonian! A people shunned through necessity by all vagina-having life forms. The Dildonians were one of the few races denied any kind of place in the Universal Accord. No seat at a high table, no presence on any council. They were one of the forgotten peoples, and it had to be that way for their own protection.

For one thing, what kind of sex slaves would people turn them into? And what kind of conversation would any vagina-having species be able to carry on with a talking dildo? Howdy, pard. Not seen one of you little fellers in a while, side bodega. Nothing new there.

I spend most of my time hanging out around here in my tiny hermit cave. You know how it is, of course. Apparently, we really, really resemble something called a dildo to most people in the universe, rambled the creature. And stranger still, we even call ourselves dildonians. Yep, probably one of them infinite universe things, said Bodega, rubbing his stubble. You thinking of trying the hermit business, chirped the dildonian. It ain't a fun one, but it's kind of satisfying to make it on your own.

I think on my own is something I'm going to be for the foreseeable, said Bodega, squinting at the horizon. But I ain't the hermit kind. Too restless. The small creature looked sheepish, or as sheepish as a 12-inch erect phallus can. erect phallus can. Fucking dildo.

That's fucking amazing. It cleared its throat. Do you have a vagina? It asked. No, friend. I'm one of them dick-havers. Smiled Bodega. Oh, okay.

Well, I'm going to go back to my cave. That's gonna be my icebreaker. Do you have a vagina? Nice chatting to you, good luck, said the Dildonian. Bodega touched the brim of his hat and nodded once. Scriv, things could be worse. He turned his head up once more to the cluster

flav of stars in the slow death churn and took a good hard tug on his mega vape. He wasn't going to take revenge on Majesta. He would kill Blatchman if the opportunity arose. But if he chased him down and killed him, it'd be no better than smashing galaxies together. All that would be left would be a colossal black hole. Bodega settled on something else. He decided right then that he was gonna start a small

business the end okay nice oh man i can't wait to find out what that is that cameo from that guy oh my god that was just amazing loved it fucking can we get a dildonian t-shirt do you think probably not i think on the dildonian t-shirt it should be um a picture of a dildonian looking very happy and then with the speech bubble that says do you have a vagina that should be the new thing rather than i have a small dick it should be do you have a vagina you have to be do you have a vagina you have to be a bit sheepish so you have to be do do you have a vagina yeah i like that i like that a lot okay we're gonna go thanks for listening to travel's podcast this week everybody we'll see you next week cheers Cheers. Bye. Bye.