Triforce! - Triforce! #3: Old Fluff

Episode Date: April 6, 2016

Pyrion couldn't record this week so we have some Team Double Dragon chat for you! We cut down the best bits from a few of our Team DD episodes and made it into a podcast. I hope you enjoy!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

pickaxe FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling winning which beats even the 27th best feeling saying I do who wants this last parachute? I do

enjoy the number one feeling winning in an exciting live dealer studio exclusively on FanDuel Casino where winning is undefeated. 19-plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca.

Please play responsibly. This episode is brought to you by Peloton. Spring is a great time to start a new workout routine. With the weather warming up, it feels easier to get into the rhythm of things. Whether you have 20 minutes or an hour for a Pilates class or an outdoor guided walk, Peloton has everything you need to help you get going. Get a head start on summer with Peloton at onepeloton.ca. Hello and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. This week we were not able to record as Pyrrhon had to look after his kids. Sips, how you doing? Good.

So instead, you guys are going to listen to some old fluff, which you've probably already heard from Team Double Dragon. That's right. Cut into podcast format. It's some archive footage. Yeah. All of the finest moments of me talking to Sips while he's not paying attention over on Team Double Dragon.

And vice versa. I hope you enjoy it. And if you don't, well, I don't care. Me neither. Bye. Bye. Bye. Are you good to see what it showed?

No. No, we've started. This is it. You've already... Shit. We're back. Team Double Dragons back in the motherfucking house. Did you ever play the pools?

The pools? Pools, yeah. What kind of pools? Do you remember it was a thing that we used to that used to sort of people used to play the pools do you remember this no i'm not from this country though to be fair maybe it's like a maybe it's like a thing that like i'm not aware of the pool yeah people used to play i used to swim in pools no there was like i don't really i it was a little bit before my time i must admit I remember when I was a kid.

You would watch the football results on TV. Okay. And my mom would play the pools. Now, I don't really remember what it was or how it worked. Do you ever like think back on that kind of stuff and think that your parents were just lying to you? And actually it was like they were having sex, they just called it something different and you didn't realize it at the time like try to think now well think back carefully and think hang on was there anything kind of weird about the pools like god yes no your mom was just wearing lingerie while

she was saying this to you or something or they they um they went and and had a foot massage that must be it that must be yeah there you go your whole childhood just crumbles down around you i i think that in the modern world okay there's much it's much easier to spend your money okay than it used to be well for example before in the days before um the internet sure you could go into a betting shop and buy stuff but betting shops are like dingy there's like chain curtain things on the door too what's up with that i don't like the idea of going into a bet i don't like going into a betting shop that's why it's a little bit like taking heroin in a dark alleyway right i don't want to go into a betting shop any more than i want to inject myself with a dirty

needle not that betting shops are horrible places or anything like that you know i had a friend who worked in one it was fine yeah you know um etc but but but i think that back in the day before the internet before the days of free-to-play games, where you could just, like, at a click of a button, have access to your credit card and spend hundreds of pounds on Candy Crush or whatever, you know, back in the day, when you were playing the pools or whatever,

it was fairly, or the lottery, it was fairly kind of innocent. You know, you couldn't buy your lottery tickets online or anything like that so you'd have to go to the shop you know you'd be in a shop that you know if if you were buying more than like five lottery tickets that the clerk behind the counter would be like whoa big spender but like the exactly internet never tells you nowadays you know you could just buy like 50 quid's worth of lottery tickets online and no one would bat an eyelid there's no there's no kind of like limit there i think in a way that's the thing like

when you used to go to buy condoms from like the you know pharmacy or whatever you just buy like a pack of three or whatever because it was easier and cheaper and you know you didn't want to be the guy who went in there and bought like an ultra pack of like 150 condoms because that would just look kind of weird because he actually had to deal with someone but now that you can order them online and nobody ever sort of you know gets in your face or asks you any questions or gives you any sort of knowing looks yeah i mean i just you know i buy thousands at a time i feel like i feel like the only person who would go into a fucking pharmacy and literally take all the condoms off the shelf put them in a basket

go up to the counter and like just stare the cashier in the eye would be some psychotic mclovin style teenager okay that's the only fucking person who would do that right but now that same person just buys them online do you think that that has resulted in more free loving and more sex and more casual sex well it can't be a bad thing right the thing is you know now you know people should use condoms when they're having sex right uh especially people you don't know or that you've only just met or whatever. And the fact that... Wise words, sips. Yeah. There's more.

The fact that you can buy this protection online without any embarrassment is only a good thing, right? It means that people are more likely to have fallout shelter quantities of condoms on hand now uh because you can buy them in bulk on the internet and you won't get like you know that awkward look

from the person behind the the cash especially when you're buying like the outlandish ones with like the studs and the ribs and banana flavored and stuff like that oh shit yeah how many times have you gone to buy those bad boys and you just get that look and you're just like oh damn now she now she knows it's for her pleasure i'm doing this it's not for my own pleasure i don't get nothing out of those knobbly bits right yeah i mean this is the thing you know there's a lot of i think think the internet, you know, coming back to it. I think, yeah, there's a lot of forces aligned against us that want our money at all times. And I think the internet has made it much easier for them to do that because they prey on the convenience factor too, right?

You're on your iPad. You're thinking about banana flavored condoms. You're like, fuck, fuck it. I'm just going to order like 200 of these sort of thing. And you can do that with like a swipe and a touch of your iPad while you're sitting there like in your mom's underpants or whatever. It's true. I mean, I like that about the internet. Okay.

I like that. For example, I like being able to, I think I haven't done it in this, this, this flat because I've got limited room and also it's impossible to get stuff delivered. But if I had a house and I lived in a house, I would just order shit off Amazon like that. I would order like 10 bottles of lube. No, of like anything that I needed. And so I would never run out. And more importantly, you never have to. I would be having sex with a young girl off Tinder.

Right. Not that young. Okay. Yeah. She's on Tinder. She's on Tinder. I got her to show her driving license. So, you know, I checked.

You sent her the invoice from Amazon of all the banana flavored condoms you ordered. So she knows that you mean business. Basically, the other thing right is that i order like a cardo and you know shopping online sometimes and you ordered the thing i often do is i just add my previous shopping basket so i'm just like okay i'll just order what i ordered before and so sometimes i end up with too much of certain things like too many bags of brown rice or sometimes you you buy things thinking you know do you know what i'm going to eat some i'm going to make some couscous or whatever right so you buy a bag of couscous and or or something like that and then you never use it and then you forget that it's there and

then you keep adding to that stockpile and before you know it you have you know 10 000 unused condoms uh just blocking up your your yeah well they have an expiry date too so if you have recently bought tons of condoms on the internet and you're storing them in your house for whatever reason thinking you know i'll get around to using them at some point just remember they'd go out of date and they're no longer effective so and you know who needs those you know what charity shops that's right take them to all of those those in-date condoms to unicef today actually you know what i think they might take them i was just thinking that they always say that when you die it's like going to sleep

how does anyone know for a long time people always say that but how do they know? Well, because we've kind of had... But of course, when you assume, it makes an ass out of you and me. Remember that one? True. Remember that one? Do you remember what that's from? Yeah. Do you want to do a little trivia? A little quiz?

High stakes? What is that from? Try to guess. Don't look it up. Just try to guess. Is it from some film? It is from some film, yes. It's from an American film.

It's from an American film. You're right. Is it from The Godfather? No, it is most... Did The Godfather say it? I'm sure. You come to me and my family. Sonny.

When you assume, you make You make a mess Out of you And me Yeah the Godfather Is that Was known for just having A chalkboard In his office at all times So that he could

Sort of spell that out For them as well No it's not the Godfather You have two more guesses If you don't get this Lewis I'm afraid that I don't think we can be friends anymore Because

It's a pretty famous movie Is it from Goodfellas Cause I'm sure It's from a mafia film I'm gonna give I don't think we can be friends anymore because it's a pretty famous movie. Is it from Goodfellas? Because I'm sure it was from a mafia film. I'm going to give you a fucking hint. I'm sure someone said it. They said, do you think I'm funny? Do you think I'm funny? Do you think that was funny?

When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. Yeah, no, the mafia aren't like that. I don't know. It's like not like, is that wit or is that? No, it's not from any mafia. Because the thing is with the mafia, they only think that violence is funny. Remember that? Have you ever watched Richard Pryor before?

You ever seen like any of his jokes about the mafia? And he's like, never hang out with the mafia because they're crazy. And then he's like, does this impression of this guy. And he's like, and then Tony stabbed the guy with the ice pick in his eyes. It popped his fucking eyes out. And they're all patting each other on the back and everything. Like, the mafia wouldn't find ass out of you and me clever or funny like they only want to talk about the time they gouged some

dude's eyes out with an ice pick now i don't know if this is i don't i mean that is the thing is though that is what's it called? Gallows humour, right? Because they must be greatly traumatised with the Mafia, right? And the only way they can get to sleep at night and wake up in the morning is to do funny shit like that, you know? If you're making actual funny jokes about it.

Otherwise, God, they'd all just want to kill themselves. You think they use a lot of clocks though they must have like post-traumatic stress all the time yeah you know realistically because man it must really shake them up they have to like they have to appear tough though right they could never show the weakness of like being post-traumatized you know they like, you know, it wouldn't be like, yo, yo, Tony, why are you crying? Oh, nothing, Luciano. I'm a bit of post-traumatic stress, you know.

You know, they wouldn't be allowed. I remember in The Sopranos, it was like a big deal how like nobody could know that Tony was seeing a psychologist or whatever because it would appear weak or whatever. And he was in charge. Like, it's just not a thing in the mafia. You're not allowed to show any sort of... I don't know if it's actually weakness, though, is it? It's not really weakness. In their eyes, it's a weakness. But, I mean, if you're traumatized because of something that you've seen

or something that's happened to you, that's not really a weakness, is it? So tell me where this came from. If you even... Because i don't think it's credited to anyone in particular i think it's been used a lot but i don't think it's okay well famously for me and where i remember seeing it first do you want are you sure you don't want to guess you've already guessed godfather and goodfellas you've got one more guess well apparently the the person who has been created why it. Why did you look it up? You should have guessed.

Is Jerry Belson. Jerry. From season three of The Odd Couple. No, come on. That's apparently the first time it was ever put on TV. Jerry Belson. So, Jerry Belson. Yeah, so what have you got?

Well, the first place I saw it was in Silence of the Lambs. Oh. Remember when the guy is, like, talking to Clarice Starling, and she was like, hey, coach, I think I got a hot lead on this murdered Leardler. And he was like, are you making an assumption, Clarice? And she's like, well, yeah. And he's like, don't you know that when you

assume it makes an ass out of you and me and he's like showing it to her like on the chalkboard he's like written it down what his ass yeah yeah he's drawing a picture of his ass with chalk on the chalkboard he's like clarice this is my ass does this look like my ass to you now if i draw on some ill-fitting trousers do you you think I'd look good in these? Do you think I'd be able to pull them off at the company party later on this year? Hypothetically. This stick figure is you. This ass is me.

When you assume you make an ass... He's pointing.... out of you and me. He points to his own ass. Do you want to do another trivia? Guess what this one's from, okay? Sure. This is another classic. Ghostbusters.

No. I got to actually think of the quote, actually. It's been- Groundhog Day. No, no, no. It's not Groundhog Day. It's the one where the guy is like, your mind is writing checks that your body can't cash. Remember that one?

Oh, yeah. It sounds like Lethal Weapon. No, it's not Lethal Weapon. Close, but no. I mean, there are some similarities between the movie that it's from. No, it's not. You got one more guess. You're really plowing through.

You got to think here. You got to think. You got to think real hard. How come I only get three guesses? That's not fair. It's like a pretty standard thing for guessing. Is it Top Gun? Yes!

It is! It is! Holy shit, what a recovery. Wow, that was crazy. I can't believe it. I can't believe it. That's crazy. That was such a good quote, wasn't it?

I knew it was 80s. I knew it was an 80s. Oh, it was definitely like all 80s. It's such an 80s quote, isn't it? It's crazy. What a great movie, though. I mean, if you've never appreciated Top Gun before, make 2016 the year where you finally appreciate Top Gun.

Because holy shit, it's a great movie. Your ass is writing checks that you're... It's a fucking weird one, isn't it? It's kind of hard to remember how it goes. Because sometimes I feel like saying, your butt is writing checks that your ass can't cash. What? Hang on a second.

That's not right. Everyone has their own little weird individual quirks. My mom's quirk is that she can only drive barefoot, which is really strange um so she gets like into a car we'll take her shoes off or whatever they are or whatever and then yeah whatever they are they might be boots they might be high heels depends on the day um take her clogs off yeah she'll take her big clogs off. Take her wellies off. Take her big rubber boots off. And drive barefoot. Now, I've tried doing that.

And it gives you a lot more sensitivity. Okay? It's a little bit like, imagine instead you're touching a woman's boobages. What? Right? But you've got gloves on. Hang on a second. What are we talking?

Are we talking about your mom's boobs now? No. Imagine you're touching a lady's boobages. Okay. Can I imagine I'm touching your mom's? But you've got... on a second what are we talking are we talking about your mom's boobs now no imagine you're touching a lady's boob okay can i imagine i'm touching your mom you've got sure um but you've got gloves on that's what driving like with shoes on gloves don't fit okay let's not imagine the boob thing let's get away from that imagine you're imagine no you have to be feeling something you have to be feeling something. You have to be doing something active. Okay. Like. Like. Like.

Something like doing the pedals in a car. Oh, God. Okay. I'm trying to find a real world analogy. I couldn't think of anything other than. I'm feeling your mom's boobs and I'm doing something. There's lots of thrusting. Okay. Now imagine you're putting gloves on.

It's difficult, but you can still do it. You still can. Right? It's another thing that and that's what having kids teaches you is to do everything one-handed i don't know like you should try one day you know like how they give kids um at school when they're trying to teach them like about babies and stuff do you ever get that at school or they give you the fake baby and it's got like a computer in it that is a totally totally new thing no it's not you we had that when did you? Yeah, I don't think they had the computers, though.

They didn't have the computers that, like, were able to detect how many times you chucked it against the wall and stuff like they do now. But I think instead of giving kids that, I think what they should do instead is just break a kid's arm and force them to do everything with one hand. Because that's a lot more true to what it's like having kids. Because you're always holding a kid in one hand and then you're doing everything else with one hand that's really hard it's like a it's like an art that you have to get used to i think i am like kind of one-handed anyway though like people are obviously left-handed or right-handed but i think i am basically so my my right arm is like much more oh i don't want to go down this direction yeah how come it's much has it been a lot of um a lot of workouts have you had a lot of work a lot of

right arm workouts yeah my right arm gets a lot more action on my left one no wrists do you have really strong wrists too when it comes to everything i feel like i barely use my left arm anyway you know yeah no i'm the same i'm useless if i have to use my left hand like to write or anything like that some people can write with both hands that to me that sounds crazy like my left hand is totally useless like if i were to touch my dick with my left hand it would feel like a stranger was touching it like that's how to touch my dick with my left hand it would feel like a stranger was touching it like that's how little control i have over my left hand it's it's you but yeah i couldn't agree more is that what you do but you you would never need to do that no i

don't really would never need to unless i just wanted to for fun like so that i could feel like a teenager again but okay but other than that good god well anyway well please let us please let us know your experiences with this yeah are you a lefty or a righty and uh do you have are you lefty or right do you when you wake up are you in a state of panic or arousal or relaxation. After you've done all that, picture yourself fondling Lewis's mom's breasts and trying to do something else at the same time. Maybe we should have like a double dragon generator. Oh, that would be great, yeah.

That has like a load of Ds. Yeah. And a load of D other words. A lot of other Ds. But they can never duplicate. Yeah. Hey, I just thought of one that we never used before team dunkin donuts oh man oh that's awesome okay so i think you gotta add all

all the verbs are they verbs no adjectives no what are they what are the i haven't gone to school in like 20 years i forget all that what they're called i can't remember what the terminology and you know what i don't give a fuck yeah that's right learning yeah learning suck my dick all that shit whatever we need we need one or the nouns or whatever on one side adjectives i don't even know what you are. But guess what? I'm always up for a good time. Why do you like Al Gore so much? I just find him kind of funny. Just in like a weird way.

Like in a Ned Flanders kind of way. He is. Yeah. Be good to have a... A Ned Flanders. A press. Gore press. I feel like...

I feel like Obama is too serious. I think we need like somebody who's lighthearted. Did you watch... Plays an instrument. The Jerry Seinfeld Obama episode. Comedians. like obama is too serious i think we need like somebody who's light-hearted did you watch an instrument the jerry seinfeld obama episode no comedians driving cars no i didn't did you watch it is it good it's excellent yeah it's excellent is jerry seinfeld still really funny uh he actually you know what he is and well he's okay but i he he he kind of did tease the president a little bit and it was good

he was kind of a little bit obviously a little bit pandering a little bit nervous a little bit a little bit not himself in the presence but he wasn't on he wasn't unwilling to jab at him and tease him a little bit and be quite witty it was good so basically because joseph has this comedians driving cars whatever get comedians in cars getting coffee i think it is and um he's had pretty much everyone good on there so far um well did he have larry david on there he's had everyone nice um and he's pretty much it's good i don't know it's sponsored by high end i don't care i'm not watching that i don't like sponsored content it's i don't know it's on youtube and it's funded through that i think you can watch

it anyway sponsored content on youtube that's where i draw the line i'm not interested maybe it's not on youtube i can't remember where it is it might not be on youtube it might be on some weird other platform but i watched a pirate version on youtube so maybe so he was making fun of the prez but the Prez was like, oh, Jerry, how could I ever be mad at you? But the Prez isn't allowed out of his compound, right? He's not allowed out of his kind of area. He couldn't just drive to the local Starbucks,

is what I'm saying. So they had to do the whole thing on the grounds of... Camp David? Was it at Camp David? No, I think they did it at the white house come on they did not i think they never let jerry in the white house they did they went into the oval office and he like ate a bit of the apple and abam was like you you're gonna leave that there you know it was good it was funny they had some good bands they had some some sick bands together i'm making it

sound bad but it was good you should check it out that sounds good the other thing the thing i wanted to say was um very much like watching your older brother play games and watching someone who's older than you play stuff people tend to not particularly enjoy watching tv or things with people younger than than them no that's true isn't it i mean i would never watch like home alone now because when home alone came out i was the same age as macaulay culkin and i could relate to him but now when i watch that i'm like this kid fuck this kid like even though he's like the same age as me pretty much i think in real life but now he is you know yeah he's a kid in the movie still so no i know what you mean though it's it's weird it's like um it's kind of like our taste in music right like you don't listen to you get to a

point in your life where you stop listening to new music and i think that that's something to do with the fact that you don't really want to listen to music produced by people who are younger than you because they talk about shit that you don't care about anymore you like sure i don't have that problem yet but i think that i would have that problem if i knew that they were but you just listen to trance all the time though so it's different no i listen to there's a playlist on spotify called the discover weekly trance and basically the guys at spotify like update it every week with a new list of like 30 songs that i've never heard before all bands kind of called like you know gone to the shelter or you know yeah the whipping boys the the whipping boys yeah or it's always my jizz sprays across the sky you know it's

something like that that'll be the title of the band and their album will be space spunk that'll be the name of the album jizzing in space and they'll have one good song on there and that'll be the one which has made it to the weekly thing and and i like that stuff and there'll be some weird stuff out of iceland and so yeah it's but if i knew that they were sort of a band of 15 year olds i would be like oh i'm not listening to this anymore i'm too old and but it's it's i tried to love busted phenomenon but i could not like i i'm trying to deconstruct this phenomenon is what i'm trying to say sips um because i think that for example i think it might be the reason why everyone who is in any of these high school dramas in America always looks about 25. And it's because they are 25 going to high school.

The cast is saved by the bell. But I think the purpose of it is it makes people who are slightly older still watch it. That's true, actually. That's a good point. I never even really thought about that. This isn't always true. I mean, I think, for example, with Harry Potter, and with certain things to do with some certain settings, like school,

you can still enjoy that as an older person. But I think there's a certain age that might struggle with it and wouldn't watch it by choice i think for example old people okay like my nan they love she loves for example watching old films but also she likes watching tv shows and films with old people in them yeah with a big bowl of originals's Originals next to her chair. Like the great exotic Marigold Hotel or whatever. Or anything with Dame Judi Dench.

Yeah, Midsommar Murders. My nan is into that straight away. And I think, do you know what? I think having an old person in things like James Bond accesses a larger audience. That's a good point, actually. I never really thought of that. I think they think, well, look, if she can be involved and enjoy this film,

so can my nan. Yeah. But then you take your nan to see the James Bond film and Daniel Craig is like literally smashing some dude's face open with the butt of a gun. And your nan is like in the theater crying. I can associate with him, right? Because I think of myself as Dan.

No, but he's older than me, right? He's an older brother still. And I think even if I was slightly older, I don't know, the James Bonds are kind of in a weird ageless region, aren't they? They always are between kind of 30 and 50. Everybody in James Bond is always so sexy, though. That's the thing. It's like so unrealistic because nobody in...

But that's the rule with Hollywood. Nobody's that sexy like all the time. Like everyone he meets like, hey, bit thirsty, can I get a soda? Well, hello, Mr. Bond. Let me get you. Let me take all my clothes off, give you this soda. And he's like... You're right, actually.

Everyone, even like the nerds in the lab are always like super gorgeous where is the spotty like disgusting overweight nerd

in that film well he'll usually be a bad guy actually won't he well I wanted to get back into reading because I felt like

I felt like I missed it. After watching so much bad television and so many crappy films, I wanted to get back into reading books. And so the way I did it was I noticed a Reddit thread where they were talking about what the best short stories are and short writings, novellas, things like this. Yeah, yeah. And so I bought a bunch of them

on kindle and i bought a bunch of collections and i'm sort of trying to slowly work my way through them randomly so for example i'll pick one having absolutely no idea what it's about because some of these stories are quite critically acclaimed and if you read a little bit of the biography you'll kind of spoil it so i like to read them and then look them up afterwards and see if there was any kind of so one book i read the one i read when i was coming to you i came around do you remember i told you about the third policeman that i read yeah you told me about that yeah that sounded pretty good actually but it wasn't it was really fucking weird um it's it's kind of quite critically acclaimed well i suppose it's just a very strange book um and i read it i didn't read it i the audiobook, but I listened to it when I was going around Jersey over the summer.

Yeah, on your bike. And it was such a strange story. I didn't... You told me about this story when you were here. And I thought it sounded kind of weird, but it was kind of interesting. But honestly, if you tell me about it right now, I will probably die of an aneurysm in front of my microphone. Well, no no basically what happened was i didn't it's supposed to be a comedy okay well let me just tell you the story

so that you die i i didn't know it was a comedy until i was about three quarters of the way through that's how funny it was um well i gotta check this out now. I mean, you're really selling this. This sounds good to me. It's weird. Sips. I am a big fan of children's books. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Cool. Children's books. I am a fan. I do really like green eggs and ham i will take them in a pan no you can't i don't think that that's in the book actually because that would imply that you're going to eat them out of like the toilet which you don't want to even give your kids that idea because let me tell you something. If they knew that that is a possibility, they would want to do it.

Regardless of the health concerns or the ramifications or anything. Like, no, dad, I'm not eating this. I want to eat out of the toilet. Like, it's just anything to upset the routine and the status quo. You know, that's where kids are at. That's how they think. That's how they operate. That's the level that they operate on.

Often asked to eat out of the toilet. No, but that's because I've gone to great lengths to never mention eating and the toilet in the same sentence so that you would ever put those two together and realize that you know it was a thing i think you don't want to say no don't eat it out of the toilet no god no would be something that he really would want to do that he would think why is he telling me not to eat out of the toilet no i don't want my kids to eat out of the toilet i don't want them to know that the toilet and eating are things that can be done. If you're an adult and you want to eat your sandwich while you're taking a dump, that's up to you. I don't think you should, personally.

Have you done that? No. Okay. Have you? I eat everything in the toilet. Oh, fuck off. Are you serious? I eat pizza.

I had a pizza on the toilet today. No. Every time. Everything I eat. In fact, I don't eat anything not on the toilet. What? I can only eat on the toilet. Fuck you.

And I put the pizza down on the lid. Fuck you. And I sit there on the floor. Do you watch your iPad in the bathroom? And then, oh, no. I don't like touching other do you have a magazine rack in your bathroom i i genuinely don't like touching other people's phones because i know that they use it in the bathroom and they don't wash your wash their hands i know i mean this is something you know i do a lot of stupid shit okay like i'm into a lot of stupid shit i do a lot of

stupid shit but let me tell you having a magazine rack in my bathroom is not a stupid fucking thing that i do i think that's gross like i personally i think that's fucking gross if you take your ipad your phone with you in the toilet as well that's kind of gross too i mean there is a lot of fucking shit flying around in the air in your bathroom, getting onto your stuff and everything. And like, you know, sometimes you accidentally lick your phone or whatever. You might as well just lick a piece of shit. Well, actually, this is quite interesting. Well, first of all, I totally agree with you, by the way.

And I'm glad somebody does. For goodness sake, OK? God. How long do you need to be in the bathroom for to have to bring a magazine? I mean, for goodness sake, okay? God. How long do you need to be in the bathroom for to have to bring a magazine? I mean, your ass just, your ass just like falls asleep every time. Okay, I'm very efficient. I don't want to be in there for very long. I have a nice high fiber diet, so I don't need to be in there very long.

Well, I don't. See, this is the problem. See, I'm in there longer than i want to be because of my diet but honestly if i was really fucking healthy holy shit i mean i would be getting that fine tune down to like 30 seconds 20 seconds maybe dry in and out like batman cereal and so my poops are like wheatabix is they just they they they, it's kind of like a sponge, a dry sponge coming out, you know, and it's just slides straight out. No mess. What's up, what's down. And then I'm out of there. I'm getting out of there. I knew a guy who told me is like, oh, fuck. Like we were young

too at the time. We were young and we were maybe drinking a little bit too much at the time too. Okay. So you weren't that young we're pretty young we're like i'd say like 20 at the time okay that's your idea of young 20 20 is young for me god i was pretty young when i was 20 anyway i felt a lot younger than i do now anyway when i was 20 so So anyway, we're about 20, give or take. So it's probably about 20. And I'm talking to my friend. And I said, fuck, you know, we've been drinking a lot recently. No, no.

I mean, it was just like a, you know, it's just something that you. Yeah. He's deep German. It's like deepest, darkest Germanese. Name is fuck Van fucking heimer anyway so i'm talking to him and i said like geez we've been drinking a lot recently you know like my diet isn't the best like fuck i've been taking some really loose shits recently yeah he's like oh yeah you know i know what you mean like or whatever but honestly like

i can't remember the last time i passed like a solid shit like whoa really i was like i'm because i'm pretty sure i did one like last week but you know just because of the way this week has gone or whatever maybe not so much like no for me it's been like years and i was like whoa you gotta get that checked out you know like you should actually be able to pass a solid shit once in a while it shouldn't always be like liquid or whatever and he's like yeah i don't really care okay fine so this guy as far as i know has just had runny shits his whole life he's dead now he's probably dead he's probably shit himself silly people who were listening to this podcast and expecting us to have a really

good chat about books okay have had it completely turned around, and we're now talking about... Shit. A really terrible anecdote, frankly, of your friend Fuck Von Van Fuckenheimer... Oh, come on! ...from Canada... It's the only thing that sprang to mind when we started talking about shit.

...who, at the age of 20, has told you that he's never had a solid shit in his life. What a story! what a story what a story how many other people do you know that would have a story about that this guy's fucking crazy well fuck come on jeez i can't help it i can't help the company i used to keep like 15 years ago jeez jesus christ you know it's not my fault that this guy never took a solid shit before. God. We'll end it here.

Thank you. Goodbye.