Triforce! - Triforce! #31: No One Creepin' On Me

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

Today's podcast features our old teachers, Pyrion's mum (who can see dildos everywhere) and the response from our previous episode!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca Please play responsibly. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, we're back. It's the Triforce.

The Triforce podcast. Yes. How are you doing, Zips? I'm good. How are you doing, Pyram Flags? I'm doing great. It had all the build-up and then no follow-up. It was just like, oh.

I'm good. I'm fine. Thanks. Last week was a hell of a podcast and the response was amazing. I was overwhelming, actually. I think you could use the word overwhelming. My Twitter feed was filled with people getting angry. Did I accuse women of never masturbating?

Did I do that? Honestly, people got really angry and it was... Okay, here's the... Here begins the digging. No, here, I've got Twitter on my phone right now. Let me open some examples of people, okay? Yeah, set the scene. Noble Odysseus said,

I think there's a generation gap here. I'm at university at the moment, and most of my female friends and my girlfriend are very open to jacking off and watching porn all the time. To be honest, this was a bit cringeworthy to listen to. And that is upvoted a lot. Is there room in your group of friends for a guy like me to hang out with? Is my question.

Because I've never met a bunch of people who are so open about jacking off before. And I feel like this is what I need in my life. I need to have some people who not only have my back. Can you put us in touch? But can just freely talk about it. Because guys talk about masturbating a lot, but they don't really talk about masturbating. They joke around about it a lot. But it's like they joke around about it because lot, right? Yeah, yeah. But it's like, they joke

around about it because they do it, but nobody goes into detail. People don't give you real advice. Yeah, the other day I got home and I went into the bathroom and I rubbed my dick, like, for ten minutes straight. Like, nobody actually talks about it like that, do they? No, no one gives you red hot wanking tips. Like,

oh, do you know what's really good? I found yesterday that if you buy a microwave hot dog from Tesco and you put it in the microwave for like 30 seconds that's all and then you have sex with it

it could singe your inner ass that is just that feels that feels really good and then you put the hot dog bit up your ass and then you fuck the bug

so we've been we've been labeled as naive. Naive dads who are out of touch with modern women. This one is from Liz who says, LMAO at latest Triforce and how sweetly naive you are all about women. I saw that one. But then she says, love you to pieces, which is nice. Women, I'm very happy to put them on the pedestal as they are beautiful creatures who never poop or do, you know, they're all wonderful.

Okay. And I'm happy with them being there. Okay. I don't want to know all the gory details. Yeah. I like living in my dream world where they're just innocent and sweet. And that's okay. Okay. Let me have my dreams, guys. I like living in my dream world where they're just innocent and sweet. And that's okay, okay?

Let me have my dreams, guys. Well, look, there's another person that sent through an article from The Telegraph who's trying to dispel the myths that we created in the last podcast. And the article is about a woman with an object's fetish who has married the Eiffel Tower. The Eiffel Tower. First of all, that lady has Asperger's Syndrome. So I wouldn't say that she is indicative of most women, or even a minority of women.

She's like one of a handful of people, almost all of whom are women, oddly enough, who have married objects and are obsessed. So she's obsessed with the Eiffel Tower, and she's decided to marry it. who have married objects and are obsessed. So she's obsessed with the Eiffel Tower and she's decided to marry it. Her first infatuation was with Lance, a beau that helped her to become a world-class archer. Wow.

She is also fond of the Berlin Wall, and she claims to have a physical relationship with a piece of fence she keeps in her bedroom. So there's that as well. She's a fence-fucking married-to-the-Eiffel Tower archer. Beau riding. I'm going to be honest with you. Eiffel Tower marrying. It's not a good example. She's a fence fucking married to the Eiffel Tower archer. Bull riding. I'm going to be honest with you. Eiffel Tower marrying. It's not a good example.

She's single. See, women are crazy about sex, just like men are, because she's like a fucking outlier. That's such an unusual person. I think men are proud to be crazy about sex, though, sometimes. They want people to know about it. All I want to say is ladies out there who are doubting some of the stuff we said,

first of all, you could consider it a generation gap. It's true. I mean, that is certainly true. Maybe young women nowadays, 20-year-old women

are just fucking every building they come across. They're marrying lampposts. We're not talking about building fuckers necessarily, though.

Oh, I am. That's an extreme. But yeah, no, it is. There's only about 40 in the world that have you know declared themselves as such sort of thing i think you know we're talking about like this new new trendy young whippersnappers who are free to explore sexuality like we've never been able to before like we grew up in the 80s you know there used to be commercials on tv that said that your dick will fall off if you touch it and stuff yeah you know like we we grew up in an age where it was not okay to masturbate okay like your teachers just come out we just come up with AIDS. You've got hairy palms as well. Sexual education at school never touched upon masturbation

or said that it was okay or anything. We were told not to do it at school. Never touched upon touching yourself. It was just denied that it existed when we were growing up. Which is weird. You know what? And I think that led to the fact that the whole fucking, the 80s and the 70s apparently was just stocked with pedophiles.

Now that we read about that period in the news. Yeah, but they were just. Not telling kids about sex. It was just like all the pedos were just running rampant. This is one of the reasons you have to tell kids about sex. All right. There was no pedophile education back then either. So when, you know, when crust old man herbert asked you to come

over and mow his lawn with no shirt on like in the 80s you'd be like oh okay sure mr herbert no problem i should be over here touching myself you're right it'll keep me cool it's hot today you never you never thought twice about it but nowadays everybody's like their like their you know their pedo radar is just like so finely tuned you know say yeah you say anything to anyone and they're like is this man trying to fuck me this is literally how it is it is the modern day boogeyman isn't it of our time well yeah but as it turns out this boogeyman is real and if you don't keep a check on it it fucking happens i mean it does yeah now there's that now it's all come out in football like remember there was this

uh football coach uh barry bennell i think his name was um who was apparently molesting kids for years and this is the problem is everybody fucking knew about it but they were like oh it's a load of nothing oh that's just barry you Barry. That's literally the way it was handled. So the idea that it's the boogeyman, I'm perfectly happy, genuinely, as a parent, to have maybe a little too much security because what the fuck is the point in just slacking off? You end up with Jimmy Savile 2.0

and you know it'll be worse. Everything's worse nowadays. So he's going to be like the mega pedo. It's just like, it's going to be like he's going to be like the mega pedo it's just like it's going to be awful mega pedo so a couple of things first of all we shouldn't probably we shouldn't probably dwell for too long on the thing we talked about last week too much because you know we want to make a new podcast actually we're on a completely new subject now we did not talk about pedophiles last week so well the thing is like i think about that is that that you know if you back in the day right in the 80s if you wanted to fuck a pavement right or a building or the

eiffel tower whatever you wanted to stick a fucking hot dog up your ass you you you could go ahead and do it fine sure but there wasn't really this echo chamber available for you right if you if you you were like okay maybe if i'm the only person I know who wants to fuck the Eiffel Tower, maybe there's something wrong with me. Okay. But now I am alone. You can go on the internet and there'll be like a whole fucking forum full of people.

Yeah. Like circle jerking, literally, probably over the Eiffel Tower and how it's such a cool phallic object and how I want to feel it inside me or whatever. You wouldn't want to be standing at the bottom of it on the day they're all jerking off over the Eiffel Tower. Hey kids, here's a really important historical...

What the fuck are those people doing? They've formed some kind of disgusting circle at the top of the Eiffel Tower. Kids, close your eyes! Quick! So, you know, but that's one of the things that I think the internet has allowed. In some ways that's good, right? It means you can find a small community of people who love playing, I don't know, fucking

open transport tycoon or whatever. But at the same time, you know, you can find like... I don't think you want to be out there finding people who... Like to dress up as dinosaurs and, you know, fuck each other on skateboards. Previously, people would have been ashamed to broach that subject with someone. You wouldn't go up to someone and say, like, you'd be down the pub with your mates and say, does anyone else here like sexualized drawings of airplanes? And imagine an airplane with a big cock fucking another airplane with a giant vagina.

Yeah, me! Oh, finally! Like, you wouldn't. So those people almost certainly still had those feelings but obviously like lewis was saying they had no way of knowing if they were alone because everybody thinks that either their their suffering or their interests or their thoughts are unique but they never are like you always think that you've come up with some unique idea or you suffer some unique condition or you're into something no one else is into or something until you realize that actually your human experience is almost certainly devoid of anything unique and all these other people out there are almost certainly suffering or feeling or enduring or whatever

the same thing so i think the internet has definitely enabled people who say want to marry the eiffel tower now why not have a fucking forum I think a lot of it, though, is very positive. I think in many ways it was difficult to go down to the pub and say, hey guys, is any of you interested in that nice, sexy man bartender's buttocks? They look really tight today.

It was hard before for marginalised groups to be... If you were a gay man in a group with other gay men in a gay bar, I think you could definitely say to them... That's the thing. How do you know that you're gay, though? Like, is it just you just accidentally...

I don't think the internet is what invented gay people. No, no, but it made it so that it was easier to, like, you know, find other people who are gay without... Because when you're face to face with people, it's probably harder. Maybe not so much nowadays, but certainly in the 80s, you didn't just go up to someone and be like, Hey, are you gay? I'm gay. It wasn't very socially acceptable back then, was it? Maybe not in Canada, I guess.

I mean, in New York, there were lots of gay people. And it was very obvious that a lot of them were gay because they were flamboyant and they were, you know, open, but maybe in, uh, I mean, in Bournemouth, that certainly wasn't the case. There was a part of Bournemouth that was known as the gay part of Bournemouth, which was the triangle. And, um, there was a club there. We would sometimes, sometimes see our teachers coming out late at night, like a teacher of ours, because we went to an all-boys school. Oh, nice. And that was kind of a big thing.

All of your teachers. They're all kids. They're all coming out. They had their Christmas party there. Wearing football shorts and slapping each other in the ass and stuff. Good uncle, guys. Great dancing tonight. You went to, like, Bournemouth all-boys school. Yeah, I Great dancing. Bournemouth All Boys School.

Yeah, I went to the Bournemouth Boys School. And I mean, the weird thing about it is, obviously, we were like between the ages of 11 and about 16 or 17. I actually, someone emailed me the other day saying that they'd gone to the same school as me. And he'd graduated some, you know, at least 12 or 15 years later. And I was like, wow, what was it like? And I was asking all kinds of questions.

And some of the teachers that I had when I was there, he had still had. And they were exactly the same. Like Mr. Spencer, the Latin teacher, who was extremely camp, very obviously so, but nobody really commented on it. Like we didn't really sort of know. The only people we knew 100% was Mr. Hill, who of course we called Handbag Hill, because he was so flamboyantly homosexual, and camp, and literally did the limp wrist stuff and everything like that.

Because he was perfectly comfortable being gay in a boys' school, and there were so many other gay teachers there, it wasn't a problem. But it was just one of those things that we sort of knew it was there, but we didn't make anything of it. It was still, for most of the teachers there, like at least half of them were probably gay, it now turns out. But looking back, like Mr. Dimmock, no, no, I'm serious. Mr. Dimmock, our maths teacher, would recline on the desk like a Roman god, sort of lying

there and say, open your exercise books, boys, and stuff like this. And we just thought he was a bit fruity. Like we didn't think anything of it. It's not like we teased him or like bullied the teachers like we did with some of them. The ones we bullied were the ones that were timid and quiet, but the ones who were just flamboyantly gay. We didn't seem to give a shit. It was kind of funny looking back at it. It's weird to think like when you were young, like when you were sort of like 10, 12 years old, say, and you were going to school and you had a teacher, that teacher at that time would have been the same age as you are now. And all my teachers were just really, really stuffy, sort of dumpy, middle-aged. I'm dumpy and middle-aged as well, but not so much so like them, I don't think.

I don't think I'm anything like my teachers. They almost seem like grey people, you know? Like everything about them. Yeah, they just seemed old. It was just really weird. I don't know whether that's the job that's ground them down into that, or whether they started like that, though. Because I always thought, I've got a few friends who are teachers. who are teachers quite a few friends who were with school who are teachers and they

they're very happy people they're very vibrant people and it's a very nice people say when you look at jobs and happiness from people's jobs teaching is one of those jobs which is actually really the people who do it are always very happy people because they're interacting with so many people they're learning new stuff every day every day is different they interact with lots of people it's a very kind of social and fun environment to be in every day and so you'd wonder why they're so dour and miserable this use but i had the same problem i think that back going back to school like thinking about it you know i don't think i could tell you any of the teachers were gay maybe i wasn't in the groups of people who talked about this kind of stuff but i don't think even in sixth form i knew a single person in the year who was gay um it was a thing at least

that when i was at school that so i i left school in 2002 and um two went to university and you know i went to school and sorry i went to university, first year of university, I was in residential halls and the guy in the room next to me was the most flamboyantly gay guy I'd ever met, okay? And he was unbelievably ridiculously gay. And, you know, we talked a lot. That's how I feel about you. We were like next to each other and stuff.

And he said, you know, I was head boy at my school, but nobody knew I was gay. And he suddenly like switched personality and he's and he said you know i was head boy at my school but nobody knew i was gay and he he suddenly like switched personality and he was like just all posh and normal and like totally straight and then he went back to his voice that i knew him as like the gay just flamboyantly gay guy voice and was like you know i i just was you know i was just uncomfortable being that at my school. It wasn't accepted. I don't know how much that's changed. Well, in the 80s, we had one teacher in the school who was openly gay, Mr. Hubbard.

And he was our English teacher. He was the coolest guy and he was the best teacher in the school, hands down. Honestly, he was the teacher that I look back on now as being the absolute best teacher that we had. Absolutely brilliant. And for some reason, it was a big problem for a lot of the parents that he was a gay teacher. Obviously, at an all-boys school, a lot of parents were thinking, oh, he's after the kids or whatever. But he was the only one that was openly gay. All the other guys that were obviously gay, now looking back, genuinely obviously gay, they never came out. And that was what it was was fear of of the parents and i think maybe times have changed and maybe nowadays parents wouldn't

give a shit so much but back then in they really really did give a shit like it was a big problem i'm sure there were a lot of guys that i because i went to an all-boys school as well you know we had 150 guys i knew a lot of them like yeah really well i should know know but I'm sure they knew that they were gay by the time they left sick form but none of them were open about it no I mean there were no openly gay pupils at all none I honestly don't give a shit

what like my kids teachers what their sexual orientation is I don't need to know and I don't give a fuck like just don't even tell me I'm not interested at all like I don't care if my son's don't give a fuck. Like, just don't even tell me. I'm not interested at all. Like, I don't care if my son's teacher is gay or not or whatever. Just get on with it. Teach him how to read and do math.

And, you know, he'll come home and watch TV and do his thing or whatever. That's fine. Like, I really don't need to know if somebody's gay or not. Like, it really, it has no impact on my life whatsoever for some parents it's a big thing for somebody because they're prejudiced man i had some i had some weird teachers at school like i know that i know that everybody's had a couple of teachers that are a bit eccentric or a bit weird or whatever but i i seem to have had a lot of them like i'm like my sixth grade teacher was um okay well they still explain a lot about you sips that you were formed by a series

of weird people she she this she's this woman who had a really big protruding uh like uh you know mid like a you know a gunt it was huge okay it was really big right and she grunted like all the time like i don't know like a tennis player yeah like really loud like she just she grunted like all the time. Like a tennis player. Yeah, like really loud. She'd be like, okay, class. Okay, we're going to look at Tom Sawyer today. And the whole class, we would just be giggling like all the time. I don't know if it was as noticeable as as we thought it was because

we were so bored and there's nothing else to do and we were just looking for stuff but like it was all the time it never stopped it was like so weird we also had a teacher this is totally different teacher who had a really long pinky fingernail and so we just assumed that he did he just no we just assumed that he did cocaine like all the time okay yeah yeah because the way that he was and everything like he would just he would be all mellow and stuff and then if somebody was talking at the back of the class something he would just erupt like he would go fucking ballistic like he would point his pinky fingernail at them i don't remember i don't i don't remember if we ever did it but with them we

had another teacher who had uh braces she was like a you know middle-aged woman who had who had braces on her teeth anytime remember those overhead projectors the ones like the big boxes with the glass and the light inside it with like the arm on top she so she would be doing she was our math teacher and she'd be writing like equations or whatever on on this thing the overhead projector and every time she would say like pi or or anything with a p she would spit all over the the laminate okay and you just see these big globes of like spit up on the on the projector because of her braces like oh god wait we had so many fucking weird teachers we had a supply teacher who literally

we never learned anything from because she could never get a word out she was just like this big woman with a big pimple on her nose and we we actually just called her mrs pimple nose like to her face and everything it was so fucking mean and we like oh okay guys don't worry mrs pimple nose is here today and like the whole class would just be laughing and like talking and ignoring her and she just class class class and it was just like bedlam like nobody fucking listened like it was crazy i just felt sorry for those teachers who just can't control class you know we definitely had our fair share yeah it's one of these things that you do we made one cry one time it wasn't mrs pimple nose though she was rock hard man she was not gonna cry like

but one one actually had to leave the class and cry and then the principal had to come into our class and be like what the fuck are you doing and then this and actually a teacher we had was one teacher he was i think he was like um a bit like you guys were saying like he was he was very sort of um outwardly gay although i don't know if he ever sort of told everybody that he was gay but like i think he was clearly gay um but he was very sort of like i don't know if he was like used to be a drama teacher or something but he was very sort of like like emotive and you know he had this like loud voice and stuff and um one time my friend Joe was in the bathroom. Okay.

He was in the bathroom and this guy, George came in and it was, it was just one of those situations where this guy, George was like, people picked on him, but you like, we were just ignoring him or whatever. And then he was, he was mispronouncing a teacher's name. Like, and not on purpose. He was just like, he always mispronounced his name teacher's name like and not on purpose he was just like he always mispronounced his name and my friend joe just like fucking lost it he was like it's it's not mr futu it's mr futu you fucking asshole like he just went fucking crazy like he just started

screaming at him and just like sort of and george was like like almost crying and stuff god and and this teacher came in and took joe into the, like pulled him in. He was like, he was fucking super mad. Pulled Joe into the class in front of everybody. And literally for a half an hour, this teacher was like swearing his head off. He was like, you don't fucking talk to somebody like that. Saying fuck you and fuck this and fuck that and everything. And like, oh my God, the whole class, we had to sit there and watch this. And literally everybody was like red in the face, like crying, like holding back laughter sort of thing.

And Joe was just like mortified. And this teacher was just like, every second word was the F word. It was insane. It was so fucking funny. But like at the same time, we're all scared because we thought he was going to murder us. He was like so angry. But it was surreal. I know that feeling.

It was just fucking surreal. The emotions sometimes ran high, you know, and I think that does cross your mind when someone is like going apeshit yelling at you. Through your mind, it just like runs, is this where he picks up an axe and like just goes fucking ham? Yeah, yeah. Legit, there were times where I thought like he opened the door

and then slammed it because I think he thought people weren't listening. Like, how could you not be fucking listening to this guy at the time? So he, like, opened the door and slammed it. I thought, oh, that's it. Like, we're fucking dead. Like, this guy, he's probably got a knife or something. Like, kind of scared, but, like, laughing at the same time because it was just so weird. Like, oh, man.

We had some fucking crazy teachers. Me and my brother used to like fight when we were kids right and everyone everyone fights with their brother and stuff when they're kids but my brother was obviously two years younger than me but he got all of the muscle and size and nourishment that i i lacked as a sickly kid right so he was from about the age of sort of when i was like, I don't know, seven or eight. And he was like, you know, six or seven. He was he was bigger than me. OK, like, how did he get into the into the bubble?

Like, did he did he just unzip it and walk in and beat you up? Or did he have to like Kool-Aid man his way in? You know, you know, when you're kids like you and you're just it's life is often very, very well for me. It was very very very boring okay yeah you know there's like these long summers where you're not at school or anything and you're just all you're doing is staying at home hanging out with your brother but we weren't really allowed to watch too much tv or play too many video games because it makes your eyes square and all this so we'd end up having to like you know just figure out what to do and you know play i don't know

board games and puzzles and all the all the shit we did as kids. It was fine. But there were these few times where me and him got into fights over something and occasionally go berserk. So there was only two occasions that it happened. But it was like, you know when you just blow it, you blow your emotions and you just lose control? There were a couple of times that happened and he he just hulked out so one time was when i i locked him out of the house out the front door and you know and i'm whispering through at him through the letterbox you know saying uh you know we're gonna

abandon you and all this i don't know you know like a kid like mom and dad don't want you anymore they're gonna get another another brother or whatever anyway he eventually like just went he started going berserk out there like like i'd never seen and so i was like oh shit i feel really good i better let him in okay and so i let him back in but he was still in full red face super angry hulk mode and he just like chased me down okay and i was so scared um but he's such a gentle guy he was so i'm so scared i like ran away and tried to run up the stairs but I slipped on the stairs twisted my ankle and then I actually broke one of my toes

it was just like I don't know, it was one of those things where I hurt myself running away from him, he never actually ever hurt me at all but I was just so terrified of him like I've experienced these moments in your life sometimes

where you just... Your brain... You switch to some sort of animal mode, right? Due to rage. Has that happened to you guys? When was the last time you experienced that? Animal rage? Yeah.

I just maintain a simmering level at all times. And I find that it never boils over. It's very rare that I'll genuinely get crazy angry. I got pretty angry playing Overwatch a couple of times. But, like, it wasn't, like, crazy angry. I just, I don't bottle it up.

I never pinned somebody down on the ground and, like, punched their face so much that it became mush, like, enrage. No, no, no, I don't do that. Look down after and start crying or anything like that. You don't quite know what you're going to do until it happens though too. Oh wait, yeah, no, that has happened a couple of times. Yeah, like there are times when

it happens and it's like, I mean, I've never, I've like gone berserk a couple of times with people and it's just, I feel really kind of like, whoa, like what, it's almost like an out of body experience. Like what kind of things did you do? Did you throw something? Did you slam a door? Me? Oh, yeah. Punch a wall?

I slammed doors and stuff. But I mean, I've actually I have been in fights because I've been so angry. And that was within the last ten years, I'd say. Two weeks. Oh. Five minutes. Bournemouth lost.

No, but it was weird because I was quite sort of traumatised by how angry I'd been. Like, I didn't seriously hurt anybody, but it was just, it was weird because I almost felt like I didn't know who I was in that moment. Exactly. That's exactly what I'm talking about. And it was very, it was disconcerting to think that people can get that angry. And I'm not a violent or angry person generally. I'm very chilled out.

But for whatever reason, on these two occasions, I was pushed to the limit. And it's weird to think that people do have those limits, even people who would think that they wouldn't do it. I think the scary thing is, like you said, in that moment, you don't know what's happening. Like, it's a totally surreal and new experience for most people to be in a fight. And it's very disturbing. The thing in your brain takes over. It's like a very sort of, like a prehistoric sort of thing takes over in your brain. Yeah.

I think when you get to that point. But you remember every detail. Every single detail. It's really weird. You know, you remember it for the rest of your life as well. There's a couple of moments when, you know, I just lost it. And, you know, it's like, wow, I can't believe, you know. Yeah.

I sort of, yeah, I don't feel like, I'm glad in a way that I wasn't, like, physically violent or anything like that, just kind of ranting like some sort of madman. Yeah, I don't think I've ever actually been in a fight with somebody before. Like I've been in a verbal fight with people before, but I've never actually been like in a fist fight before. I started it. I started it, which was weird.

I got beaten up one time by like three guys, but it was my fault. Well, it was late. It was like three in the morning. We were in a park um and i i was calling them cunts like for no reason and they beat me up my friends just sat there and watched as well which wasn't the best either but that's the only time that's ever happened i was a bit drunk at the time yeah but but otherwise i've never actually had like a like a full a full fight before i've never actually been like in a fist

fight it's not it's not it's not fun it's unpleasant i tend to just get mad at video games and nothing else yeah i think it's much healthier i think i've got emotional it is it is like a combination of stresses right that does it though period like i'm sure that what happened to you at that point was that it it was stress related right it was just no no i was seriously in a really good place and i'd had a really good evening and everything, and everything was completely cool, but this person just pressed the buttons. I don't know what you did, Lewis, but, man.

That's what it was like. You punched your lights out. I think that is it, then. Yeah, pressing the buttons. I think that is it. There are some things that you just hold. They're just opinions or things that you just hold, you know, they're just opinions or feelings that you've got

that are just kind of really, you just can't stand to see it. And for me, for me, it's someone shushing someone. Oh, yeah. Someone going, oh, yeah.

Really condescending. People being condescending or demeaning somebody. That's it. See, that probably comes from school, right? When a teacher that you didn't like shushed you or whatever

no it wasn't that it was just the way that they were doing it I reckon it is I reckon it's that ingrained in your I didn't have problems with the teachers shushing me in school it was like a flamboyant gay teacher he like got his he like got up on the desk oh shush you oh quiet Ted

my goodness shush I'm gonna kill you my big trigger is people thinking that their favourite musical bands are better than my favorite musical bands. Oh, well, forget about it. It's go time. That's enough to get me going, yeah. It's go time. What do you fucking say, you little bitch? You little bitch.

You know, I used to be in the SAS, you little bitch. Yeah. I'm going to kill you. That's the least intimidating threat, the way you said I used to like to be in the SAS you little bitch, so I used to be a janitor at a County Jail you little bitch Your butt I think that's all about everything's about practice and just doing it for 10,000 hours So you you're good at it, right?

So it's the same thing with, I think, with anything, like with chatting up women or with being like a socially interesting guy. It's just, you have to kind of put effort and do it. It's like, I watched this Louis C.K. thing of him doing a routine. And the great thing about Louis C.K. is how natural, right? And almost improv-y he feels when he does these bits. And actually, every single word, every single sort of tone, every single motion is extremely practiced down to the trivialities, down to the individual little pauses and obviously it's because he's practiced these bits again and again and again at clubs

and seen what the audience responses are and just honed them and honed them and honed them down until they are this really really slick routine and that's what all these

really really good funny comedians have as well they have they just some of them are obviously extremely and they are naturally

very very witty and funny guys anyway but like I think that if you put enough time into something, you can make it feel like anything, feel very natural. So if someone wants to fight you, they'll know how to press your buttons because they've pressed the buttons of 10,000 people before you, right?

They've spent 10,000 hours pressing buttons and now they know. Yeah. But each person has their own buttons, though, so it doesn't always ring true, right? But even so, I think if you're smart and if you've got a lot of practice, it doesn't matter. Is that something you'd want to be good at, though? I've got all this time, got 10,000 hours. What am I going to get good at?

I know, pressing people's buttons. I don't think you pick what you get good at sometimes. I think that it just happens sometimes. I think that if you enjoy something and you don't end up you don't realize you put 10,000 hours into it you don't ever sit down and think hey I'm gonna spend 10,000 hours playing overwatch I tell you what I am I must be one of the world leaders in masturbation then if it's 10,000 hours I'm way ahead of the curve I swear to god I'm pretty good at that too for your age I'm just saying I'm just a fucking world leader in whacking it. Absolutely incredible. Well, obviously you know exactly what works for you.

That's 416 days, and I'm 40 years old. So that's like just over one year. In fact, that's about one year of my life. Have I spent one year of my life wanking? You should write a book about it. You probably have. A year of my life condensed.. You should write a book about it. You probably have. A year of my life condensed. All the pages are stuck together.

How long is your typical session? Are you one of these people that wants to just get it out of the way? Or are you somebody who really just sets the mood? You know when you sit down and some people, when they have dinner, it's just a process. They just get the food in their body and they move on. They're on some kind of a mission. And some people sit down and they savor the meal, right? I'm a saver.

I'm like a continental. Oh, I'm not. You know what I mean? The way people on the continent eat dinner, like the French, they'll take like two hours over dinner. That's like me and wanking. Why rush?

Oh man. Why rush? Dinner does my head in. I can't, I can't savor a meal. I just want to eat. If I never had to eat again, I'd be cool with that. Wow. If I could get an injection that meant I never had to eat anything ever again, I'd be fine.

I find it so bothersome. I want to be doing literally anything but sitting down and eating. Are you eating like veggie mush in RimWorld? No, no. Are you just having the basic mush? It's because you're a fucking vegetarian, Sips. That's why you're not enjoying food. You're on the veggie mush.

No, it's not. I have good meals and stuff, but I just don't really enjoy sitting down and eating for long periods of time. I want to go do something fun or exciting or something. I just don't want to sit down and eat.

Alright, I'm not taking you to dinner at the restaurant near me then, because it takes like three hours. It's amazing. You go in, the dinner starts at 7. You better be there at 7 because that's when dinner starts. It starts with a light blowjob, and then they bring out the hot dogs and microwaves. It's an Italian restaurant. And it's just very good. The food is exceptional. And it's like the top rated restaurant here.

There's no fucking buffet. They bring you the food. I like to turn up and I like them to say, where would you like to sit? I'll sit here, please. And I head straight for the buffet. I don't even go sit down first. I go straight to the i get all the food that i want i sit down i plow it into my pie hole and then um i say bill please and i'm out like 10 minutes well that's a shame that's how i like to do it that's a shame you're missing out because this this meal is amazing it's like

12 13 courses and they just keep bringing all these little delicious things and you think it's finished and then there's another course and just when you think you're at your fullest they bring out the main course which is like a rack of lamb and they show the entire thing they bring around this huge tray with this full lamb's body in it that they've cooked to perfection and they take it away and carve it up and you think jesus christ now i've got it on top of seven pasta courses or whatever i've now got to eat a roast dinner and then there's dessert it's it's incredible the food is great though i like a buffet that has dessert as well you know you've got to just get it you just get the ice cream with your meal and

it's just sitting there ready to go i'm telling you about this incredible meal and this incredible restaurant you're like yeah i'd like a buffet just a buffet you know it's so sad. I'm telling you about this incredible meal and this incredible restaurant. You're like, yeah, I'd like a buffet. Just a buffet. You know it's going to be garbage. I don't mind a buffet, but Jesus, it's not good quality often. It's just bog standard. Because they know that you're going to stuff your face. So they're not going to say, give them the good shit.

They're going to say, give them the cheap shit. But then again, I think that because Sips is a vegetarian, I think cheap meat is obviously bad, but vegetarian food is very cheap. Like it's very simple. It's just like easy. It's not, when I do my shopping as a vegetarian, I realize that it costs about half as much because I'm just not buying all of this meat. Yeah, meat is expensive. Yeah, it is super expensive.

So I don't know. I don't know for a veggie, you know, basically a Sips at a buffet is like, you know, you go and help yourself to a big old scoop of rice and then, I don't know, get a slice of pizza. I mean, it's like, it's not kind of… Oh, pizza buffet is incredible. Yeah, it's always funny going to like these places with Sips in Vegas. We went to this sushi place and, you know, we order the omakase,

which is, you know is bring us whatever, chef's choice kind of thing, bring whatever you want. That was like a $400 sushi platter. It looked like a work of art. It was insane. And here I am with a bowl of steamed rice and a beer. So Sips is like,

I'll just have a big bowl of rice. And they're like, well, okay. So Sips just sat there eating all this slightly scented rice while we were just eating the most crazy fucking shit ever. Yeah, it was pretty nuts. It was madness. It was like, imagine, the way I would imagine it is, imagine back in Henry VIII's days, right?

They would bring out this roast boar with a fucking apple in its mouth. It would be glistening and it would be surrounded by bananas and apples. Fucking all colourful. Almost like some sort of plastic thing you'd see in Hollywood movies. Just ludicrously, overly colourful. Imagine that but sushi. It was like a whole fucking fish formed out of like slices of of tuna and salmon and it had like a bit of raw lobster and like a crab with like fucking i don't it was crazy

and we it was like it was nuts it was fucking amazing vegas man i thought it was nuts and it was all stuff that i would never eat as well but i've never still never been to vegas i've been wanted to go for such a long time Never been to Vegas It's a crazy place Vegas It's fun It's I don't know It's weird

It's like a It's like a Disneyland for adults Yeah it does strike me As kind of crazy You should come with us To the next one On this BlizzCon When we go

Before we go again Won't we Sips? Maybe yeah I want to see Fucking BlizzCon man I like BlizzCon and stuff But man I'm prettyizzCon and stuff but man I'm pretty salty

about Blizzard recently why would they do I'm just not happy with their games right now like I don't know I don't know

we get a lot of this is the same thing we get with Blizzard year after year we end up playing only Blizzard games we play Hearthstone and Overwatch

and wow for a month and we then get salty when we can't play them all day every day it's like okay but yeah it's it's a funny old thing i was just uh i just remembered there's that classic japanese word right for the period of like sageness i think it's called kenta kenja taimu or something like that sage time um after which is like that moment after a post-orgasmic period when a man's thoughts are no longer impaired by his sexual drive and he can think clearly like a sage of clear mind.

Right. Is that why I'm so clear-minded all the time? Or, in the words of Lil Wayne, it's like as soon as I come, I come to my senses. Yeah. Okay. Not busted. I'm thinking clear. Sorry, this is just like a callback to the wanking conversation. Yeah. Okay. Not busted. I'm thinking clearly.

I'm just sorry. This is just like a callback to the wanking conversation. Yeah. I was like, to like lower the tone of this podcast a bit. I don't think Lil Wayne is as eloquent as that though, Lewis. Like, I think there's more slang involved. But that's what all those monks that Lewis is always going on about Zen mastery. That's what the Zen guys, they're going up and saying, like the guys going up to him and say,

what is the meaning of life better? And he's just like, I wish this guy would fuck off so I can have a wank and get my mind clear and achieve Lil Wayne levels of mind mastery. Of clarity, yeah. So he gives him a question to go and ponder. He's like,

fucking why do vegetables, why are they called vegetables? Go think about that shit. And off the guy goes, he's like, what a weird question. Why are vegetables called vegetables? I'm that shit and off the guy goes he's like what a weird question why a vegetable called vegetable like what the fuck does that even so many people like the buffet what is it what do you start with at the buffet the pizza or the sushi go think on this young acolyte and off they go meanwhile the monk's like under that robe huh under that big flowing robe they wear he's w wanking away so he can achieve Zen mastery. Maybe that's the thing, yeah.

To achieve that clarity that you need of the mind, you know, when they go off and they think about it, thinking about the vegetable, and then they're just like, hmm. I could fuck that vegetable. The shape of that vegetable that I'm thinking about reminds me of something that I have on my body that's shaped similar. Maybe I should masturbate and get clarity here. Think about it some more.

Oh, God. I was reading one of those Reddit threads about stuff that you know about. Basically, I read all these Ask Reddit threads, and I can't help but thinking about all the responses are fake, right? But I read this really nice one, and it was something like, what do you know about somebody else that they don't they don't realize you know okay and it was like oh i found out that this guy was gay or that yeah i found out that he was adopted

or whatever um one of them was my sort of sweet little mother asian mother had bought a neck massager okay which is obviously like just a big old Hitachi magic wand kind of thing, and keeps it on the bedside table as if it is a real neck massager, in full view of the whole room. Just this big old dildo just lying there, and she just uses it as a neck massager. Has no idea. People are giggling about it i like that

right you know what i remember one that's how i want to see women that's coming around to the start of the podcast again you know last week like you know that's how i come on that's nice they see a vibrator and they don't yeah i think that's i think that's believable either that or they have no concept of what that is it's's a man creation. Here's the weird thing though. I remember there was a period when, God, this was years ago. This was like 15 years ago, maybe. My wife had to go and stay down in Bournemouth for some reason. She was staying with my mum.

My mum goes into her room to tidy up and she sees a vibrator there in the middle of the floor. And she's thinking, blimey, Maddie's a bit blasé about having a vibrator in the middle of the floor. She's thinking, blimey, Maddie's a bit blasé about having a vibrator in the middle of the floor and she thinks nothing of it. Then she says to Maddie, you've left something on the floor in the bedroom and you might want to pick it up because it's just a bit, you know, my daughter might be a bit confused sort of thing because my sister would have been a little bit younger at this time. My wife goes, oh, it's just my hair straightening tongs. My mum's first thought was that these hair tongs was some kind of dildo or vibrator. Nice.

So, I mean, I just think, you know, some people maybe, my mum sees dildos everywhere is what I'm saying. She's like the dildo whisperer. She's like, just like, she can see a dildo even when a dildo is not there. She walks into a room and the the dildo is not there drawer of the the sock drawer at the bottom of the cupboard starts vibrating i could detect where the dildos are like in every in every girl's bedroom the dildo diviner they're in that locked chest it's filled with dildos i know

we uh we opened the chest uh mrs flax, and it's filled with hair tongs. That dildo. She's like the magneto of dildos. There's just a lot of neck massages in here. I don't know what you're looking for. She can summon them to her like metal, like forks. All these dildos come shooting towards my mum. She's just there.

I have total command of dildos. They all attach to the tips of her fingers. She's just got these big Freddy Krueger hands with dildos. That's super creepy, that. That's the image. Thank you, Sips. That's totally killed by Bono. It's pretty creepy.

Man, we spent a lot of time talking about dildos and stuff last week. This week we've talked about dildos a little bit as well. Teachers. Does anyone have anything unrelated to dildos that they want to mention that they've done recently? Or have you guys, have you been outside much? Oh, I have got something to talk about. This is a problem. All right.

Hold on. Let me take a drink of squash. Got to lube up before you go in. two issues here okay these are this is two issues so i mean i i'm like the stay-at-home parent for both my kids right i'm looking after them all the time i'm taking them to school and stuff like that yeah and there's most of the people in the playgrounds are very normal people they're not they they have normal jobs normal lives and all this kind of stuff and they don't understand what i do for a living at all at all like it's a complete mystery to them because obviously they're like my age i shouldn't be doing this at my age i should be an accountant

or some shit right yeah you should be a grave face teacher flamboyantly posing on the desk long pinky fingernail exactly i should be that, but instead I'm doing this kind of shit and they don't get it. And it kind of, that kind of rumor starts to spread around the playground from one parent to another about what I do. Cause they obviously, they see a man at school every day, dropping his kids off, picking them up. And they think, you know, is he like a single parent or whatever? My wife does take him to school occasionally and that's obviously put that lie to bed but they just they must wonder because genuinely speaking there are hardly any dads that are stay-at-home dads full-time that's just the way it is uh it does happen obviously i'm one of them and there are a couple of others but most of

them still go into work a couple of days a week you know the kids have child minors and stuff so i'm there i'm fucking out the cold face all the time and it confused people and they obviously asked what the fuck is this right it's the same thing as being in school you know i think the it there's always the assumption that you're a recovering drug addict as well if you're always picking up your kids yeah because you're like in your track pants and you're just like slumming it up a little bit and everyone's like oh clearly like you know recovering heroin here's the ex-con sort of unhealthy looking

angry guy like he's obviously just lost a game of Dota but they don't realise that you know grumpily like stomping up

to the school gates vaping always vaping so they see this and wearing my big sort of deerstalker my ushanka

sort of hat and everything so they must think who is this weird guy? Well, yeah, but nobody else wears a fucking hat. I'm like the only one wearing a hat anyway. So that's bad enough. But I don't care. Occasionally they ask these weird questions about it.

And I indulge them and everything. And then the other day I'm dropping my kid off and the teacher pulls me aside and she says, I've been talking to your daughter and she said that you play video games all the time. And I said, yeah, I do. And she basically was questioning whether I was looking after them. How could I play video games and look after my kids at the same time? And I said, well, I mean, when they're at school and stuff, I do. And she was obviously looking at me thinking, what a waste of space this guy is.

He's just sitting around the house playing video games all day and everything. And she called it playing PlayStation. That was like her limit of understanding about video games. And I said, well, I mean, it's kind of what I do for a living. It's like what I do. She was like, really? Like she was baffled by it. So now the problem is that every single time I go into school, she makes some comment. How's the PlayStation going? Like that. I know exactly what she's like. Yeah, I get that. Right.

She's very, very sweet. And she's a very, very good teacher. And she's extremely good. And I really like her a lot. But it's just funny because to her, it's like this big jokey, he plays video games kind of thing. Yeah.

And when she says it, all the other parents look at me and they're thinking, who the fuck is this waste of space? He's just playing PlayStation all fucking day. I mean,

I've got work and my wife's working and I'm doing this and they obviously think I'm a complete waste of space. So that's the problem. The teacher's now spreading inadvertently this rumour

that I basically sit around in my fucking pyjamas playing PlayStation or don't even own a PlayStation. I want to say to her, I'm not console, bitch. PC master race

listen she is a completely normal woman you're probably gonna go exactly you're gonna go in there one day you're gonna she's gonna say hey could you come through to my office you're gonna go into the office and around you in on the on the walls you're gonna notice a lot of pictures of the eiffel tower and and uh and an archery bow as well. And the bottom drawer of the table is going to start vibrating. And she's going to say, oh, that must be my mobile phone. I don't know how to turn it on. And, you know, it's going to be tough because she's totally normal. And she has, you know.

Yeah, no, she is. But now the real problem comes in. Because she said to me, they told me what your name is online. Like I heard that you were like on the Internet and stuff like that. And they told me your name, but I can't remember it. But I'm going to find it out again and I'm going to look you up. And I said, for the love of God, please do not do that. Stay as far away from the stuff I make as possible.

I do not want that. And my kid's primary school teacher, those two worlds must never collide. All right? No. Never collide. Because they're too young to be ashamed of their dad.

Right. But I mean, I don't want them to listen. I don't want a teacher at my kid's school listening to this podcast. And then I had to do parent-teacher night.

And they'll be looking at me and thinking, this piece of shit. Just imagine she was listening to this one. You turn up, she's just like totally fucking angry faced were you fucking talking about me on your podcast bitch i'm gonna fucking kill you oh my god i listened to your podcast and it was all about dildos and wanking and you said you'd spent 10 000 hours masturbating i'm not sure that's a healthy environment for you to bring up two children.

So I've reported you to the authorities and they're on my side. Yeah, well, the thing is, they have this whole reporting structure now, too. Like, you would be fucked. I'm in big trouble. Like, they would start an investigation. They would measure you and how competent you are. And then your kids would be whisked away into, like, you know, fucking foster care and stuff. Yeah, just for having

a youtube channel who knew just for having a youtube channel when will our people be free that's what i want to know the police the police will come to your door right and the man is holding you let him in and then they'll they'll come to arrest you so you'll try and run away but you'll slip on the stairs and twist your ankle break my toe it happens so you gotta be very careful of that this is how police brutality you have to it's real it's weird because sometimes my friends will tell me that they've like oh i saw you streaming the other day and they'll just have tuned in because they're so fascinated and curious about what we do and they're just like yeah i heard your podcast today yeah it was really funny well they'll say yeah i heard your podcast today and be like, oh, what do you think? They'll be like, good for you, man. Yeah.

Yeah, that's right. They'll say, it was okay. Yeah, well done. You got a podcast. I only had time to listen to 10 minutes of it, but I'm sure the rest of it was great. Yeah, I didn't have time. I heard the intro music and I just checked out, but well done. Yeah, look at your little cartoons. Who made that music, by the way? Do you know what, though? I think there is a problem with, like, people that you are actually friends with

and watching their stuff. You know, I find it... Do you not feel it's a little bit like creeping on someone when you're watching... Well, like, if I'm watching my friend play and they don't know I am, or... It's a little bit like, you know, if you're doing Facebook, right,

and you're looking through other people's Facebooks, like, yeah, from people you were at school with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the guy who- I look up the people I didn't like at school. Yeah, I look them up and see what they're up to. And they're all so fucking normal. And they've got like a really hot wife and they've got like a city job and they look really good.

Their teeth are really nice. Anyway, I'm not jealous or anything. Bastards, yeah. Yeah. Have you guys ever like bumped into somebody that used to go to school with who's like now homeless or anything, for example? I'm sure some of them are. I wonder how often that happens to people and how weird that would be. Because like, I mean, I don't even live in the same country that I grew up in.

So I would never bump into people I went to school with sort of thing. Or if I did, it would be really fucking weird. Every time we go out, whenever I'm in Jersey and we walk around we bump into people you know though right every single time well it's a small place so you do you do tend to it's not that small i've worked at various places and stuff so i know like like quite a few people and you know the the odds are that you're just going to bump into them from time to time like it's you know it's not that small i know but like everybody needs to go to like town at some point so you're bound to bump into a couple of people like i'll anytime i go to town i'll bump into about three or four people that i know like just

by default and it's not because i know a ton of people or i'm like popular or whatever it's just a small place yeah so i guess what i'm saying is like you know imagine those guys you're creeping on them but they're creeping on you too nah ain't nobody creeping on me there's nothing to see i found like i i one time i when i think it was like when i first started youtube um i created a facebook account yeah i did the same thing you know like it was terrible youtube and stuff and i never used facebook before that but then when i was on there i was like oh fuck i wonder if like anyone i went to school with is is on here so you guys were slightly too old people I could I couldn't find anybody and I think it's like a like a generation thing or something like I think the people I went to school

with just didn't use the internet that much when we were at school or whatever no I think you must have missed that Facebook generation like it's really weird because like nobody was on there and then the people the handful of people that were on there had like created an account and just never used it. You know, like they uploaded profile picture and then there's just nothing there. Like they're followed by the other handful of people we went to school with who were all in the same boat,

just like had never fucking used it for anything. Like, I think like one person had posted like a couple of pictures of them and their kids and that's it like and there was nothing i think that that's like it was it was hard to like know what people were up to through that because nobody had signed up for it i think that's the thing that a lot of people of our age use facebook for is just posting pictures of their kids and stuff but i i know people who use facebook like all the time like that's they're just on it all the fucking time and they're

talking to their friends well like you must see like when you're when you're picking up your kids and stuff there's like 20 moms standing outside the school gates on their phones like fucking they're all on fucking Facebook yeah like it it's crazy but nobody I went to school with uses it like I don't I don't use it I've never felt compelled to use it my wife doesn't use it like i don't i don't use it i've never felt compelled to use it my wife doesn't use it like like no nobody like my age that i know actively uses it for anything oh everyone does yeah a lot of people do really yeah i mean it was a thing though obviously i i remember like i signed up to it obviously when it was fairly fairly when everyone was when it was this this huge new thing in i don't know 2005 or 6 or whenever it, right? And that was obviously when I was coming to the end of my university days. Everyone signed up for it and it was all this competition to almost get all of your friends

on there, as many friends as you could, back before it was just this spam machine. And you just added all these people from school that you didn't really like or whatever, just because you might as well and you knew them all. I think that's literally how my Facebook page is. That's funny because you were still like in school when it came out. So like, you know, it would have been a bit more relevant. But like, I think when most of the people that I'd gone to school with were done. Well, I was at uni. So it was like I hadn't spoken to half of these guys in like three or four years.

Like university, college, like all these people would have been done that by then, probably married or something and probably had kids by the time and then just maybe never used it. I don't know. It's just really weird. I went on Facebook the other day, right, for like the first time in years and years. And because I originally, like my Facebook kind of got abandoned

because when I started off doing YouTube, I thought, you know, I'm just going to accept, I started getting like inundated with friend requests from people on YouTube. So I, I ended up just accepting them all. And I went up to like 5,000 friends or whatever, which is like, was the cap or back then.

And it was like, it was like almost a way to like promote and try and get some traction on YouTube to get started. Yeah. Went, so I went on there recently and, um, looking back at actual people that I knew was,

was tricky because there were so many random people I added who had changed a lot in the five years since I added them. So all the fans who added me back in the day, I slowly either removed them as friends or it was kind of like, I don't know, a little bit heartbreaking, right, to look at all these people who I was at school with and how they've either aged really badly or it was not heartbreaking but nice in a way like that the people like i had a big crush on at school or whatever you see them like there with their family and like two five-year-old kids or whatever and it's like oh my god like oh so i simultaneously felt old and um a little bit kind of bittersweet almost like yeah i obviously this

thing i i never went anywhere with this girl or whatever or you know we were like i't know, we went to a dance together or we went out one time or whatever. And it never really went anywhere. And it's kind of, I don't know, like, it's weird because it's almost like suddenly they've got five-year-old kids to me. And it's like, they've suddenly changed their mind because they were always frozen in my mind. Yeah, well, they do. That's the thing with people from school. You still, like, when I think of people from school, I still imagine them going to school. It's just that I'm not going.

But like I could go to my old school and they'd still be there sort of thing. Like they are sort of frozen in time. And you remember all this stuff like you remember things that they did or what they were like at school. And that's your enduring memory of them. But when I think like when if you meet them now they're like completely different people like I've met people who had a really bad time at school and you think man they must just be broken people and they're not they completely got over it they got over school and they're just completely fine and you're like wow I thought you'd be just as sad and fucked up as you were

at school but here you are like a perfectly ordinary person you're just fine it's it's crazy in a way yeah it was there was just one one girl particularly i think and it was it was a bit strange because i i just thought i recognized her and i was like oh man because i obviously had a crush on her at school and blah blah blah for a long time and it was just it was so bittersweet and sad but also nice to see that she's like got a really is obviously really happy and doing really well and it was like it was just strange it was really a strange thing is she really happy though lewis maybe she'd be happier with you maybe you can send her a message yeah get in there looks like you got a bit of a humdrum life there baby

why don't you come get with me right away in the sunset on my chopper on my motorbike i'm a single guy. I play video games all day. Have you heard of anybody that you went to school with who's passed away? Yeah. And you thought that that was just like it rocked your world a little bit. You're like, fuck, I can't believe that that person is dead. Like, yeah, unreal. Yeah. Because it happens, right?

Like, you've got to probably at least know one person that you went to school with who is now passed away yeah there was one as we approach our 40s i guess like one kid killed himself at school like while we were at school oh yeah it's pretty pretty dark but other than that i think from my year there were a few kids that i assume must have done because no one's heard of them in years but but they could have just sort of disappeared. I now see when I've just checked at the teachers at my school now, and this is a few of them are children of teachers who were at the school at the time and were students at the school at the time are now teaching at that school, which is quite cool.

That's pretty, yeah, that's crazy. I thought the obituary for one of my, um, one of my like sort of primary school teachers passed away and all the way up until he, he passed away. all the way up until he passed away. I think he retired a couple of years earlier, but he'd still taught like at my

primary school the whole time. And it was like, just that's what he did. And then he passed away. He was pretty nice guy too. Pretty sad, but like, you know, that's life, I guess. One of my friend's sisters died in class. She just like had an aneurysm. Oh my God. That was it. She was just dead. Yeah, it's crazy. She was only like 16 years old.

It was nuts. Well, to lighten it, there's a teacher at my old school now whose name is Cornelius Swanky. He came back from the grave. That is a hell of a name. Cornelius Swanky. Was that a deep hole thing? No, it's a thing called Rate My Teachers. Capri Gorbolchuk.

That's her name. Capri Gorbolchuk. What are you saying? Stop jebbering. These are names. It's a name. It's not even deed polls either. They're just like legit names.

Three of the teachers there, three of these teachers there were kids at my school when I was there. And now they're teachers there. Mr. Marshyboo. These aren't real names. They can't. Mr. Marshyboo. These aren't real names. They can't. Mr. Marshyboo. Yeah. Isn't that like a sex name, nickname for someone?

I don't know. Mr. Marshyboo, I'm ready. Bring the model of the Eiffel Tower with you. What? Bring that slab of concrete and your bike in here. I'm ready for you, Mr. Margie Boo. I think it's time to put a bookend on this one. Do we have a bodega this week?

We do, yeah, if you'd like it. I'd like to, first of all, apologize for my Scottish accent in advance of this one. Before we start the bodega, can I get just a consensus or a reading? I saw Rogue One and liked it. Any thoughts? Yeah, I enjoyed it. Yeah, it was all right. Lewis?

It was fine. It was fine. Okay. All right. I enjoyed it. Okay. Bodega. Part once.

Fuck. Beru, you better come up here, said Bodega, clicking the intercom off. He sat stiffly in his seat on the bridge of the Disco Volante, drumming his fingers on the chrome tabletop at the captain's station. A door hissed open and Varu stooped to enter, his metallic hands clasping the doorjamb. Are we nearly there? asked the droid. Yep, said Bodega, indicating the viewport. There it is.

Tartania. A vast tartan sphere filled the screen, its ice caps extending almost to the equator of the world, but the bold, tartan colours of the continent still glared through with menace. Madre de Dios, whispered Varu. Its head grew slightly paler, and Bodega thought he noticed a slight tremor in one of its legs. Okay, pard, let's suit up. If we want to get where we're going in one piece, we better look the part.

A few hours later, Bodega and Varu exited the Disco Volante and strolled down the ramp into the spaceport. The bitter wind tore into them and lashing rain stung their faces, but the overwhelming stench of deep fried food was the real acclimatizer. My lord, said Bodega, retching.

Stay strong, said Varu, clasping Bodega's upper forearm. What? What about the voice chip? Remember? No, you said you wanted him back the other way. I know I said I wanted him back, but there's no story to explain why he's back. You don't need it.

You don't need it. Bodega just turned it off. He preferred the old one. All right. It's just an interstitial. Okay. I like how Sips is like leaning back in like a dad armchair.

Hey, hey, shut up a minute. This is how I like to enjoy my bodega. Wait, you fucked up. You forgot to send his voice chip back. All right. Can we continue?

Oh my God. Do you know how he's getting Larry? He's getting like an untitled fanboy, isn't he? Isn't he? This is like someone in the cinema. He's like,

oh, that's not what, that's not how he stands in the stone. Exactly. All right. So stay strong, said Varu, clasping Bodega's forearm. Varu's voice chip unit had been replaced by Bodega some weeks before. I'll add that in. Bodega nodded and puffed out his chest, but the biting cold made him feel tiny and helpless.

And he noted that however hard he tried, he shrank and cowered in the face of the brutal climate. What didn't help was that he was wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and a pair of jeans, but a coat was a death sentence on Tartania, and with these winds a hat was impossible. Bodega turned to one of the station hands milling about, drinking a can of spatial brew. What are you? He said, the most friendly and formal greeting possible on this world. What are you, pal? What's going on? Said the man.

Looking for a friend of mine. Name a big rap, said Bodega. I will fucking hear these after someone. I didn't care about a big rap. Now get the fuck,

said the man. His ginger hair and beard frozen solid with ice. Bodega realized he had no idea where big rap he was and that nobody

on Tartania would ever help their culture-forbade friendliness of any kind. After meandering around the major cities of Glezge and then Edinburgh for a few days, Bodega and Varu were exhausted. They'd been in countless fights and had the injuries to show for it. Varu's left arm hung loosely at his side after a pack of wild Neds had cornered him and Bodega and beaten them senseless. The fighting skills of the Tartanians were undisputably the best in the galaxy, but when combined with their daily ration of fifteen cans of spatial brew, they

also became irascible. Every cab driver, shop worker, and elderly person they'd spoken to had responded with violence, and the two interlopers were so cold they could barely think. Bodega, it's hopeless, said Varu. There's one place we haven't tried yet, Pard, said Bodega wearily. No, please, Varu begs you, said Varu, looking as anxious as a faceless droid could. We're going to the meanest, roughest place in the sector. We're going dune the pub, said Bodega. Squinting up and taking one last look at the cold star of Tartania, which itself almost seemed to be scowling at them.

The pub, the only one left in Tartania thanks to the world's shattered economy and tendency towards violence. All the others had been burnt to the ground or shut down thanks to the death at 23 due to heart disease of all but a handful of Tartanians, making them as unsustainable as businesses. But one had persisted, run by the fearsome Mad Donald. So terrifying a combatant was he, that even the people of Tartania didn't mess with Mad Donald. The pub was the one place a man like Big Rab could hide out indefinitely from any lawman or assassin. Bodega was neither, but he was something worse than the eyes of the Tartanians, a southerner. There was no south in Tartania. The poles of the planet were aligned in such a way that only north existed. Taking a cab into the centre of Glezge, Bodega and Varu approached the pub with intense trepidation.

Be ready to run, hissed Bodega, shivering so badly he felt he might dislocate something. The door to the pub was almost off its hinges, and every window was boarded up. As they entered, the entire place went as quiet as death. Seated on small stools were the biggest, ugliest, meanest collection of pure scum imaginable. No inch of flesh went untatood.

No face held a morsel of kindness. Blood stained the carpet and teeth were strewn about like party favors. Bodega steeled himself and approached the bar, slapping down his money and making sure to use coins instead of fancy banknotes, which would be seen as an attempt to show off wealth. Ori, two spatial brews, pal, said Bodega. Behind the bar was Mad Don himself. He stared into Bodega's soul for what felt like weeks, but was in fact just 15 minutes. Bodega knew not to move, not to break into a sweat or blink.

He must maintain eye contact with Mad Don and show no fear. Mad Don finally moved, slowly pouring the drinks and taking the money, baring his teeth as he did so. Bodega was now stuck. If he stayed at the bar, there was every chance one of the teeth as he did so. Bodega was now stuck. If he stayed at the bar, there was every chance one of the other patrons would approach and order a drink of their own, and if a single molecule of that drink was spilled, Bodega and Varro would be torn limb from limb. It was too risky to stay where they were, but

turning back around and facing the stairs of the Tartanian Braves assembled here was a bridge too far, yet they had to find a seat. Too late. Use! Use, two bastards of the bar, said a voice behind them. Hold on a minute! I can use! Bodega's blood ran cold. Mustering every bit of strength he had left, he turned towards the speaker. All reet, said Bodega, still the only Tartanian he knew. Dry your eyes, you big fanny, you look like you're gonna piss yourself, said the voice, still emanating from some darkened corner near the back of the pub.

A figure approached Bodega, a man so large and heavily bearded, so ginger, that Bodega at first mistook him for a hairy boulder rolling their way. It's okay, Don, these cunts are with me, said the man, slapping Bodega on the shoulder and draining his pint. Three more berries, pal, he said to Don, collecting the drinks and heading back to his table, Bodega and Varu trailing after him like ducklings clinging to their mother. So what's going on, said Rab. Bodega explained the plan and Rab smiled. We're sort of like the Antipolis, he asked.

Kinda. We just do shit, adventures and such, make money, help out folks that don't get help from the law, said Bodega, trying to stay on top of the potent brew he was forced to consume at such a rate he assumed Rab was trying to use the alcohol to preserve his body for medical science. I'm in. Now let's get ramblin', you pair of mincin' barbags.

After just a handful of bloody skirmishes, they returned to the Disco Volante, which was scrawled with graffiti and covered in streaks of human feces. Someone had tried to deep fry one of its wings, but had given up eating it after just a few bites. They climbed aboard, and Bodega breathed a sigh of relief. Varu walked silently past Rab and Bodega and collapsed face-first onto the deck of the cargo bay,

powering down. Ah, he'll be fine, said Rab, swaying slightly. No, let's get the fuck out of here. Bodega had never been so glad to leave a planet in his life. They had done it. They had survived the trip to Tartania, and they now knew never, ever, ever to return. The end.

Oh my god, that was glorious. Man, that was a good one. The Scottish accent was really good, too. Oh god, it was so good. There were so many really nice references. So you're creating, you're assembling the cast of Overwatch without realizing it. Because now, so far, you've got Bastion on board.

Oh, true. You've got Torbjorn now, you've just acquired. Well, he's not Scottish, though. And, of course, you've got McCree as well in Bodega. Wait, Torbjorn is tiny and not Scottish. He's fat and he's ginger bearded and he's got the same accent. I don't play much Overwatch I didn't realise it had that kind of effect on me

but I do watch a lot of Overwatch porn as we found out last week. Yes I think that's what it is Oh my god. Next week they'll get a big gorilla or something I'm just thinking off the top of my head here. Yeah, yeah. That would work.

Yeah. Nice. Yeah. Good idea. All right. We're going to call it here. Thank you for listening, everyone. We'll see you all next week.

Cheers. Until then. Bye. See you later. Bye.