Triforce! - Triforce! #35: Valentine Conspiracies

Episode Date: February 22, 2017

A botched Valentine's Day, creepy conspiracies and grown men having a good cry every now and then. Triforce is back! Get a Bodega t-shirt from here: http://bit.ly/BodegaTee Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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We're all really sleepy today. Yeah, I'm kind of hungover. I'm pretty good. I'm pretty good. Except for Lewis. I'm pretty tight, but I'm pretty good. I just got like four expresses. The only guy with no kids is surprisingly feisty. What a surprise. So yeah,

how are you guys going? Did you have a good Valentine's Day? Did you manage to get any time away from the kids to spend it with your lovely, significant others? And did you manage to romance them with chocolates and flowers and pink things and hearts and get full into the corporate culture? Did you do anything of that?

My Valentine's Day was a disaster. I forgot that it was Valentine's Day coming up. That's a good start. Mrs. F went away to Brazil for work. She didn't run away to Brazil. She went to Brazil for work. Brazil? Yeah, I know. Where does your fucking wife work?

I'll tell you about that in a second. Okay. But first of all, as the Uber is pulling up to take her to the airport, she turns to me and she says, I've left your Valentine's Day card in the bedside table. So make sure you open that. And I said, I forgot and I haven't got you anything. And I love you and i'll see you soon and she gets the cab and gives him this sad little wave so just as she's leaving for a week oh man was it was it like raining out and stuff and like it was cold and shit and it was early you know she's on the back seat there's this like brazilian tanned man who like turns to her puts his arm around her like a helicopter pilot don't worry so yes yeah so she she's gone and i'm like oh my god i didn't get her anything for valentine's day so then i actually asked on twitter i i announced um that i'd forgotten it and i'd fucked up my francy who's a long-time viewer of mine she suggested that i should write

in lipstick on my stomach happy valentine's day or something like that and i thought well my stomach isn't very impressive so i don't want to send her a picture of that what is impressive though well my chest is my chest is nice and hairy your chest my balls yeah my chest is hairy she likes my hairy chest so i just got a sharpie and i tried to write happy valentine's day on it so that i could take a picture of it. What color Sharpie? How hairy is your chest? Just a black Sharpie. It's very hairy. That's not coming off for a long ass time. It's like trying to use a Sharpie on a blackboard. I know, but it came off very quickly. But anyway, so I wrote it on there, but I got confused because I was writing in the mirror and when I was looking

at the picture before it took it, it was reversed. So I thought, okay, so if I take a picture of it, it'll be the right way around if i write it the wrong way around and all this stuff and i couldn't do the logic and it it came out backwards so all she got was happy valentine's day in backwards on my hairy chest so i sent her this picture and she was like that gave me a good laugh thank you i was like this is not the romantic i mean i'm wondering if she was lying there in her suite in Brazil with Raul laughing. Look at this stupid fool. He cannot even write properly.

Leave him. Leave him. Come with me. So that was bad enough. And then my best mate, who I know listens to the podcast, so don't worry, I'm not going to share any information. But he recently broke up with his girlfriend. And I wanted to go meet up with him for a pint and you know cheer him up and find out what was what what the crack was and everything so i said hey let's go out tuesday so he's like okay cool so we meet at the

pub and i said god i'm starving let's get something to eat and as we go into the restaurant i said to him i shit it's fucking valentine's day dude i just remembered it's like oh you think we won't get a table i was like no i'm thinking we're gonna they're gonna think we're a gay couple like going into the restaurant having a romantic meal yeah so like it just occurred to me so we go in there and everyone in there is a couple right and then there's me and my mate and they he's the guy sees us and he gives us this coy little smile like the waiter i'm not even kidding and i was like oh my goodness they think we're a gay couple and i said to him we have to order the manliest shit on the menu and like not gaze into each other's eyes even for a second even if no matter how much we want to gaze into each other's eyes we can't do that uh yes i'll have the uh giant sausage with uh two

potatoes please i'm so hungry i can't wait to gobble it all up oh love that sausage give me some white sauce for the sausage plate yeah it was uh it was funny but anyway so you know i mean jesus we didn't give a shit anyway so we just ate the meal and uh no tried to talk about football as much as possible okay and uh and that was that but so then we got really drunk and it got very very emotional and um we were both sort of too drunk for it really um and yeah it was just kind of a shitty valentine's day because i was like shit i pissed off mrs f my friend is sad now i'm sad and i was like happy valentine's day folks we did it well listen i've got a different valentine's day story mine goes a little something like this okay we we stopped celebrating valentine's day all together like when we had kids

because it was just one of those things like do we have to get each other cards like real pain we have to go out and we have to buy the cards we have to write the cards we don't have time to do this stuff so like can we just not do it and we were both like, yeah, let's not do it. But the day before Valentine's Day, and actually this wasn't planned in any way around Valentine's Day, but the day before on one of those rare occasions where you get somebody to look after your kids. And we went to go see Trainspotting 2 in a theater with literally nobody in it.

The whole theater was empty because it was like two in the afternoon and we went to see it and it was really good. So that was this Valentine's Day, was it? No whole theater was empty because it was like two in the afternoon and we went to see it and it was really good so that was this that was this valentine's day was it so that was that was no that was monday that was like the day before valentine's day it had nothing to do with valentine's day but it worked out so perfectly that it's like one of those things like yeah that's what we did for valentine's day we did it a day early and we did something fun and that and and that was it but it was it wasn't really anything to do with it at all and we did something fun and that and and that was it but it was it wasn't really anything to do with it at all and we didn't exchange cards or anything like that either i mean you too like

on actual valentine's day in the evening i started a new hearts of iron four campaign by myself in the kitchen i've been doing a lot of that as well yeah damn it you too it's a it's a great game to just casually because you can just pause it and go and do other shit if you need to i like it it is but man the fucking british drive me crazy i fucking hate how much navy they have and the fact that they just can so easily do naval invasions anywhere they want like it it drives me nuts like you know you really have to fucking guard your coasts and stuff i mean you can just here's the thing it doesn't actually take much to prevent a naval invasion early on because they don't have i mean

their landing craft is shit they don't have marines and like one pitiful unit of infantry will completely fuck their their landing and it'll at the very least hold them up long enough so what i think it's still annoying though because it's like the ai is just triggered to fucking land yeah yeah like as soon as soon as it sees like some sort of weak ass opportunity it's like oh hang on uh a desert tile in the middle of africa that we could possibly do a landing invasion and then they just spread like fucking locusts like the minute they land you know they just start coming in and taking over territory and stuff it's just like oh fuck off like don't you have anyone better to invade than like so jesus christ let's let's let's i didn't feel like i had to put a pin in that at some point not not jesus i'm not bitter about it i mean you two i mean you don't sound very romantic but i know both of you do make these

sort of occasional romantic gestures right they occasionally they pop out and you know you can't help yourselves you're very you're very gentle what pops out what it pops out yeah that's as romantic as it gets right yeah that's about it it's like it's like two in the morning you're covered in baby barf there's like dishes piled up to the ceiling all the lights in your house are still on somehow and stuff and you sit down you look over to your wife and you're like guess what just popped out she's like fuck off yeah the beautiful romantic nature of marriage and kids being a dad oh it's great absolutely holy shit that's how it goes it I still look special about that though. This is why sometimes I think like, if you had two guys in a relationship,

I mean, two gay guys, obviously, I'm going to assume that all the guys I know, including myself, they want to have sex with their partner pretty much all the time. So surely if you have two gay guys in a relationship, they're both going to want to have sex all the fucking time.

That must be awesome. You could just wake your pal up. Hey buddy, out just whip it out he'd be like yeah i'm down to clown let's do this oh i see what you're saying because men are always down to fuck not always guys they do seem to be yeah pretty much i mean i know i am so yeah it's but yeah this is always fucking revved up and ready to go yeah strapped he's locked and loaded we've got a straw poll of three here and you know we've been criticized in the past for our chats about this stuff and sweeping generalizations but on this one i know we're right boys i know we're right so i've got a feeling i get how can you be wrong that's what i can't be wrong that's my life that's where i'm at right now our life experience is too broad and deep uh for this to be anything

other than 100 correct and the truth provably so anybody anybody that has a problem with that is clearly mistaken and should have a good long hard look at themselves so um so hang on lewis like we've kissed and tell and told now about our Valentine's Day. What did you get up to for Valentine's Day? Oh, I'm not sure I can tell you. Did you take a picture of yourself laying in a bed of flower petals with no clothes on, but the petals were just like arranged to, you know, sort of make you more presentable for your tinder profile is that what you did happy valentine's day ladies come and get the hot stuff whoa yeah my tinder profile is just um

my like sexy abs with you know i love you written on it backwards in sharpie hey and sweet no no flame that was a good idea. I'm a little bit, I was a little bit concerned when you were talking about it. Cause it's, it sounds like it'd be written so childishly that I was worried that your wife might've thought that one of your, you got one of the kids to write. Like a mix of capital and lowercase letters all backwards and shit.

It was. And like the E is the wrong way around. And I tried to put an apostrophe and it just looked like a squiggle. It's like childish kind of crayon level writing. But like if I write on a card, it's like that too. My handwriting is terrible now. Now try writing on your own chest. Trying to write backwards on your own chest.

Try writing like more than a line as well now. And your wrist is just broken. God, yeah. It's hard work man you i don't know why anyone does it anymore so i'm i'm intrigued now wait so you did do something for valentine's day lewis but you don't you don't want to talk about it is that right guys like you know i'm just you know every time i go to an convention i just get like so many phone numbers and like so many girls are like all over me and you know Every stream, people are chatting me up and stuff and DMing me on Twitter.

You fucking hung out with your mom, didn't you? Well, she was pretty lonely. No, I didn't hang out with my mom. But no, it was good. It was fine. It was nice. It was a nice Valentine's Day. I haven't had a particularly nice Valentine's Day for a while.

Right. Do you know who you remind me of? I've been watching Parks and Recreation. Have you ever seen that show? Yeah, yeah, of course I have, yeah. I think you're a bit like Chris Traeger in Parks and Recreation. The healthy eating guy. No, that's community, dude.

Whoops. Parks and Recreation. It's Rob Lowe. He's like a very positive guy he's always into like we got to eat right and all this kind of stuff and every time he says stuff like that i always think of lewis i i always do so i think you're like turning into chris trager my body is a temple exactly right i'm i'm i'm a guy for uh i'm a i'm a sucker for a bit of a romantic gesture you know like um yeah definitely like uh if it's uh i remember reach around

oh god it's a gesture it is a gesture i feel like i've i've got stories to tell but i you know it is private it is like yeah private so i have to tell all of my stories maybe maybe in future yeah okay that's fine i mean we told you ours and we we were like pretty up front and like transparent about it but you know if you want to if this is the line you want to go down cool you know maybe i just won't talk about stuff in future on the podcast like you know if that's the kind of climate that we're going for i don't know what i did yesterday i don't want to talk about it that kind of thing talk to each other i did something i did something real fucking important wow but i'm not this is a big problem though sip um sip some prune like i feel like you know pflax like you going out and

like having a heart-to-heart with your bro it's something that doesn't happen very often between between guys guys kind of don't talk about relationships very often or like what they're doing or not in a not in a group i'd say like um i mean we've been friends for like 30 years or something well longer than that, really. So we're very old friends and he is my best friend. So in that regard, certainly he's someone that I'd talk to. But, you know, we're not as open as I feel like it's still fairly guarded at times. Whereas I know that Mrs. F has had conversations with friends of hers where the details that they come out with are so specific

um like here's here's this funny thing okay this is uh he wrote the e's backwards it was really weird this raul couldn't even read it she was she was uh she went out on a i think it was a hen night or someone's birthday a friend of hers anyway. And there was another girl there. Like there was a bunch of girls going out. Was it like the typical hen night? Like were they wearing like penis hats and stuff? It was not actually a hen night. It was a birthday.

It was a 40th birthday. So I think they just dressed up. I'm sorry. I misremembered. So they went out and they were having a very, very frank discussion about all of their sex lives. And women do this a lot more than men do. Men don't talk frankly about their sex lives.

I don't think I've almost ever had a conversation. I think men embellish. Exactly. We will brag. They speak frankly, but it's bragging and exaggerated, I think. Whereas they were talking about the reality. And they were being very frank about the reality. So this one girl that was there was talking about the fact that her husband wants to have sex with her all the time.

She's a very attractive girl, but she just can't be bothered. So she's just decided that she's going to get extremely good at giving blowjobs because if she gives him a blowjob, he's happy and it's much easier for her. So she just does that. So she's like, yeah, I've just perfected my blowjob technique so I don't have to have sex with him anymore. That's it. Right. It's just as a time-saving measure. And I thought, God, that's so practical.

It's actually not sexy. You know that it's not sexy at all. This sounds absolutely awful. I know. There's a Louis C.K. thing about that, like the really sad sad blow job i think it was like it was either on his show or he had a routine about it and it was like sort of like that as well it was just like i'm desperate for sex you don't want to have any sort

of physical contact me with me whatsoever but you'll you'll consider blowing me it's just like it's like so depressing oh man holy shit but you know she's a busy married woman she's got kids and everything she just wants to get it over she you know she understands that he's gonna keep bugging her about it and i guess she's just thought this is the easiest solution to this problem and in some regards i respect the logic that she's figured out a solution that's easy it suits her and he's he's too clueless to notice he just thinks holy shit i'm getting all these awesome blowjobs this is great but secretly he's not getting what he really wants and she knows that she's still just giving him as much as she can be asked to so does she right

i mean going into this like two questions and so many questions so many one like just is what why do they not have i don't know where to start first of all i guess fair enough right she's not gonna have like the four hours to give over to like the normal kind of sex session that's just what i'm throwing out there right four hours damn uh so maybe you know she's just not available for that level of time commitment um no that's it yeah she's just she's just wants she's tired you know she just wants to to keep him happy and and that's that i just thought that was a funny solution but you i mean the fact that she just told the group this she was just happily telling the group and they're all talking about you know what their men prefer and all this kind of stuff and i'm thinking damn that's a raw conversation but then again that's that basically the first thing that

puts into my head is that she doesn't like sex with that guy that's all it is like either he they're not very compatible together no it's just it's just after a while you know i think she's just thinking that it's it's like uh doing the laundry you know doing something that's just like a chore that you have to plow through. Yeah, women are weird like that. It's no big deal. They can have like these conversations, like very sort of like open. Matter of factly.

Yeah, and they relate to each other a lot better than men do, I think, and stuff like this. It's really strange. People always get super salty when we talk about this stuff, by the way. But because they think we're so naive and clueless and i think we no no here's the thing is that we're talking about i'm talking about a room full of married women okay and i guarantee you most of the people that are commenting are young people and sure when i was 20 i don't think that the way things were when i was 20 compared to the way things are now I'm 40 and that you know there are different groups of people so although you may say oh you don't know people at all I'm like yeah I don't know what the fuck 18 year olds are talking about anymore but I know what 42 year

olds are talking about I know what they're fucking talking about they're talking about Drake and like fucking you know yeah talking about Drizzy and those guys. Facebook and 9-11 conspiracy theories. No, fuck. I don't know if they're talking about that. So this is something which you've just mentioned at the start of the podcast. What a fucking segue. I mean, seriously. I mentioned it in passing.

But you didn't want to talk about it. But it was like an embarrassing thing. It was like, oh, my God, I can't help myself. It's like a guilty pleasure. So I know exactly what you mean, though. It's like imagining an embarrassed thing. It was like, oh, my God, I can't help myself. It's like a guilty pleasure. So I know exactly what you mean, though. It's like imagining an alternate reality. And there's something kind of alluring about it, though, right? Oh, it's so, you know, like, okay.

Tell us your experience. So I've been watching, like, some documentaries recently. Like, I've broken my Overwatch habit. So when I break, break like a binge habit. You have to find some new addiction to fill that hole. And I haven't found a game that's really like sucked me in. I've been jumping around different games and stuff. And that's been pretty enjoyable, actually, which means that now naturally I'm gravitating more towards watching series on Netflix and stuff. And

because the time constraints and stuff with the kids and whatever, my wife's like super tired all the time. Sometimes we, we managed to like, watch like Fargo or some series that we're watching or whatever. But oftentimes, like I, I just have time somehow to fucking laze around and watch stupid ass documentaries and stuff. And some of them are really good. And some of them are kind of like i'm not sure what i think about this or whatever so i fucking started i made the mistake actually of of watching a bunch of fucking 9-11 conspiracy theories and then i started reading about them and i'm just like oh i just feel like trapped in this strange world of like conspiracy and weird fucking thoughts on stuff and everything. And I don't know

what I believe anymore. And I'm very confused and I'm a bit scared as well. But like, so, you know, some of the stuff with the evidence and everything you think like, okay, maybe, you know, like, but you know, some of it is a bit of a leap, right? Like some of it is like, I don't know if I can actually realistically believe that and take myself seriously after believing that sort of thing so so so i'm sitting around and and and my wife like comes to bed because like the baby was up she was tending to the baby and stuff and i just like gone to sleep and she she comes up to bed she whispers in your ear push it 9-11 no no no she was like sweetie i heard her come into the room so i like opened my eyes and she's

like oh you know finally baby's finally down i'm gonna go to sleep and stuff it's like oh yeah yeah me too and she's like what were you watching before i was like oh just some fucking garbage about 9-11 like conspiracy theory she's like don't fucking watch that stuff what are you doing i was like i know but like you know some of it some of it makes sense and stuff and and she's like like what i was like well fucking you know like what happened to the plane that hit the pentagon like it just fucking vaporized like there was nothing left of it like how you know what's going on with that and she gave me that look i was like okay fine yeah i'll stop watching she just looked at me she gave me that look and it was like,

how the fuck do you have any time to concern yourself with this shit, with all of the other shit that we've got going on? Like, what are you doing? Like, where do you find the free time? And I was like, oh, God, I felt super bad. And I was just like, but then this morning, there I am fucking reading about it again. I was like, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Why am I doing this to myself? Right here's what you gotta do here's what you anytime you come across a conspiracy theory someone out there will have done a site where they debunk everything with simple physics and pictures and news reports and actual sources beyond what you get on those sites which is just statements not backed up by evidence more More often than not, it's just like, they'll show a very grainy piece of mobile camera footage and they'll be like, see, what's that, huh? Yeah. It's like, it's not proof of anything.

It's just, this is what conspiracy theories are founded on, is that nowadays everybody's filming everything all the time and film is a terrible way. If you've got one angle, distant, grainy, it's kind of hard to see. It's like there are some people who say that they weren't airplanes. And they're like, look, you see, in this shot, you can't see any windows on the plane. That means it's a missile. It's like, no, it's just a bad picture.

Like, there are plenty of other pictures where you can see a big fucking plane. Like, why aren't you talking about those? And they'll pick an angle that suits their story. They'll ignore the ones that don't because they're not actually looking at it evidence-based any any of these things all they're looking at is which of these images fit this story it's like all the flat earth stuff that i've been going on about it's the same deal well yeah you mentioned this i don't recall you going on about flat earth stuff. I thought I did. So please, indulge me so that I can stop thinking about 9-11 conspiracy theories. All right, here's the thing.

I mean, the 9-11 conspiracy thing is just some guys made a video. It's called Loose Change, I think, right? Because they were implying there were a lot of loose ends and stuff like this. That's right. That was the big sort of main truth. That was the main one. So that one came out and... Sorry, what's it called again?

Loose Change. Let me get a pen. Okay, thanks. Dude, it's like two hours long. And it's just... Loose Change. It's like, dude, it's like two hours long. And it's just, it's ridiculous. And honestly, all of it is debunkable. Now, I know lots of people who have surprised me with their claims that actually, well, actually, there might be something to it and all this kind of stuff,

which is kind of ridiculous. And one thing that someone said, taken out of context, becomes a whole reason that it's a conspiracy, like that whole bullet thing, all this stuff. It goes on and on and on, and it's all people going around and around. It's like we were talking about internet communities that pop up. There are a lot of people out there who are perfectly content believing that a conspiracy of this scale just happened. No details have ever come out. You can't do anything nowadays without it leaking without there being a paper trail without there being evidence it's ridiculous that it had that it

could happen at all yeah but but this goes like this goes to the the flat earth conspiracy as well that i looked into it like very deeply i've watched a ton of videos read a ton of articles about the flat earth stuff all the bizarre things but i went into a lot of detail like reading about it as much as i could and i came to a couple conclusions first of all that they require you to believe first of all i don't give a shit first of all they're obviously wrong like none of the stuff that they claim can be proven it's just they found ways to explain things that have already been proven uh the earth going around the sun they say that the sun is much smaller and closer to the earth and just goes around it like a spotlight, right? Shining down. You can't prove that. It's impossible to prove. We can prove that the earth goes around

the sun. We can prove it all. It's all provable. You can do it yourself. Like the ancient Greeks proved the earth was round with a couple of sticks. You know, it's not that difficult to prove this stuff, but they don't look for proof. And I realized as I went deeper and deeper into it was the reason they're not looking for proof is because most of those flat earthers are just deeply, deeply religious. And they're perfectly happy with the fact that it says in scripture that the earth is a disc set upon four pillars. So therefore that's it. And that's it. They're not looking for proof. And I think the 9-11 guys, they're not really looking for proof. They've already made up their

minds that there is a government conspiracy. So their belief is that the government is out to get them. And once you've got that in your mind, it doesn't matter about proof or what you say or evidence or anything. You just have to believe that. So I think it's the same kind of deal. If you want to go down that road, Sips, you're going to need to empty your mind of logical thought and just believe it. That's it. Right. Well, I mean, I'm not out to become a believer.

You know what I mean? It's interesting to see what people have come up with and what they have to say and stuff like that, I guess. Even Pearl Harbor had a big conspiracy theory around it, didn't they? It did, yeah. The US knew that there was like... They knew it was going to happen and they let it happen or whatever because there was some good reason for it to happen.

I don't know. What's the simplest answer, you know? The simplest answer is normally the right one. And the simplest answer is... Get off Jonathan Creek. Dumb shit happens on Jonathan Creek. Oh my God, I hated that fucking show. They still make new ones.

There was one at Christmas. I like it, man. It's quite chill. I don't like... Is it Alan Davis? Is that his name? oh my god i hated that fucking show they still make new ones there was one at christmas i like it man it's quite i don't like oh it's actually is it alan davis is that his name yeah yeah yeah yeah not a floppy hair he's good he's good not a fan holy shit let's get off this topic like in pronto before before they before the feds get us and like shut us down this week my family has been ravaged and rocked by my son coming home from school with head lice yeah dude it sucks so bad oh my god i get so much it's such a fucking ball lake you have to get like a solution and you have to give him a fucking bath like more often than he's used to having a bath and you

got to leave this stuff in his hair for and like like five-year-olds don't want to fucking sit around for 10 minutes they don't want to sit around for two minutes i've got a solution for you okay there's all right so i've got i have two girls they both have long hair it's even worse when they get head lice because you've got to brush that shit through their hair and their hair is like 10 feet long right so i'm just brushing forever and ever so i bought all all the solutions and I did all that shit. The best thing is to use loads of... This is like serious real life dad advice for dealing with head left. Yeah, well, do I need to hear this? Yes, this is important.

Yeah, yeah. Some of us people out there listening might need this. Here's what you do. You get conditioner. Just give us... God, no, it's fine. Can I get this fucking life-changing tip out there, please? You get some conditioner.

He wants to spread his tip. Yeah, you get some conditioner, hair conditioner, and you put it in the hair, like loads of it, absolutely loads of it, and that clings to all the eggs and all the little lice and everything. And then you get this special knit comb. It's like made of metal. It's got spirals on each of the prongs of the of

the comb it's like very very very fine spirals and you brush through their hair entirely one by one like every single strand of hair has to get brushed all the way from from root to tip the whole thing and you're constantly rinsing off the knits and stuff like that and you brush out all the conditioner i cannot remember what the comb is called, but it's like, it's amazing. What the metal one? Yeah. It's the metal one with the, yeah. With like the, it looks like it's got like little drills. Right, right, right. But you don't need any of that lotion that does fuck all. No, I know. We tried the lotion and then we moved, we moved to that. And then I tie my kid's hair up and like, if it's just send them in with a fucking cap or

something. I said, like I said to my girls, don't touch the other kids at school. They'll give you lice. Like I scared them off the other kids. Don't go near the other kids. If they say, if they say, Hey,

let's all have a big hug. I'm like, you tell them, get the fuck away from me. I don't want bugs in my hair. Get away from me. So that's sort of, that's what I've coached them on.

That's how you do it. Yeah. Scare them off. Yeah. That life advice can just apply to boys forever. Yeah. Never go near any boys. Don't go near them.

All the boys have lice. Stay away. Yeah. So we've just been fucking dealing with that. When it first happened, he was upstairs having a bath. And then my wife was just like, Chris, come quick. And I was like, wait a second. Like, this got to be serious.

Like, she barely ever refers to me by my proper first name. You know, like in a house with kids, you're known as like dad or dada or daddy or whatever. And that's what you're called all the time. Yeah. So she's like, Chris, come here. I was like, oh, fuck. Like, what the hell's going on? Even I call you dad when I'm around.

Yeah. Do I need to get a fucking phone like ready like for the ambulance or whatever so i go upstairs and like my son's just like laughing and just like chucking water and shit all around the bathroom because he's in the bath and and my wife's face she just she just looked like i like i don't know i was like horrified what's going on she's like dumbstruck he's got he's got he's got head lice. And I left immediately and I came back with the shaver. I was like, fuck, we're doing it. We're going to shave his head.

She's like, no, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I thought you just shaved their heads and washed their hair and that was it. I had to go to the pharmacy. I had to get this solution that we tried and it wasn't that great and like apparently the solution coats the lice yeah um and and prevents them from breathing but lice breathe through their stomach and they can take in a lot of air and hold their breath for like 10 hours and stuff so sometimes it doesn't work and like oh my god i found out so much about lice that I didn't really want to know.

But now, like, well, I feel like I'm some sort of fucking expert on it. Did you find any conspiracies? They keep coming back. That's the problem. They're so obnoxious. Like, you cannot get rid of them. Did your school put out a little note in the kid's bag saying? No, because I think the school just doesn't give a fuck anymore.

That's terrible. Because it happens all the time. Yeah, but they have to put the note out. Like, we get the note that says there are head lice think the school just doesn't give a fuck anymore because it happens all the time yeah but they have to put the note out like we get the note that says there are headlights in the school it's like got a picture of a little head lice on it just in case some stupid parent out there was like head lice so you know they let you know well we get the ones like we we we get the notices about chicken pox and stuff like that but like head lice is not something that you hear about very often those notices that you're supposed to act on though? It's like, you know, Julie has a chicken pox party going on at her house this weekend. Bring your kids so they can all get chicken pox.

Is that still a thing? I don't know if that's a thing. Okay. That was the thing that my parents did. It's not a thing around here anyway. Maybe we're just backwards. But like, we don't do a chicken pox party. No.

Okay. Well, it's better to get it when you're younger i guess like when when when chicken pox starts though they get sick like they they barf and stuff so like i don't know about you but like i don't want to be in a room with kids barfing like no it's pretty grim no bad like i was trying to explain this to twitch chat the other day you know people are like oh it's just a bit of barf just clean it up but like kids don't just barf perfectly on into a toilet but they don't they don't even think to run to the toilet they're out of control if they're in bed and they're and they're about to be sick they literally just lay there and throw up on their pillow or like sometimes sit up and

just throw up down themselves and all over the bed sheets they don't know the feeling like they don't like the exorcist yeah they don't know that it's really coming i mean you know nowadays we're adults we know you get oh shit oh guys i think i'm gonna be sick yeah you're like okay i can run let me get to the bathroom i think i'm gonna be sick and even if you're not like okay yeah that was close sometimes when you get to the bathroom you think i'm not gonna be sick you think i'll make myself sick anyway just to get it over exactly just to get it yeah just to like save the half an hour of being unsure. Just do a bit of dry heaving.

Just think about, you know, your mum or something. Your mum sips. Just makes me sick every time. That was weak. Yeah, that's a dry heave right there. Just think about his mum. Huh? Yeah, his mum.

Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't think that one through. What else have we done this week? I went through a phase of watching, because they don't make these as much anymore, although apparently there is a documentary coming out or something about it.

About 9-11? No, nuclear stuff. Nuclear war stuff. Oh, right. So there was, in the 60s and the 70s, there were a lot more films about nuclear war. And there's a really good one that I've never seen it on TV. I've never seen anyone

talk about it. It's got Walter Mattau and Henry Fonda and it's called fail safe. There's a, there's a, the standard sort of patrolling, uh, bombers that are in the air around the States all the time. The deal is that, uh, when there's an alert more often, you know, the, the alert is basically like they've picked up something somewhere. So those bombers take off and start heading to their fail safe point. And it's basically a sort of limit around the US. And before they get to that point, you send a signal to them saying, turn back. Otherwise, they crack open their orders and they assume that the war is on. And the reason you have this is so that if an initial strike knocks everyone out and there's no one to tell them to go, rather than have to tell them to go,

you have to tell them to stop. That's the only way to prevent the communication lines being broken you know you don't if you can't talk to them obviously something's happened so they go on their bombing run right and it was it was all the orders that they've been given are things like if anyone tries to talk to you any broadcast it could be someone impersonating the president you know it could be a trick or all this kind of stuff. So ignore all communications. And they're just set on this course. This one bomber is going to go and nuke Moscow.

That's their orders. Right. And it's really clever because Walter Matthau plays this warmonger who's like, he's like this intelligence operative, this tactics guy. He's like, we should actually commit now to a full attack. It's the only way. And everyone's saying you're crazy and everything. And Henry Fonda is trying to talk the Russians down. And it's a really good, tense Cold War thriller. I think it came out around the same time as Doctor Strangelove.

And I think that's one of these things where it's a little bit like two films come along that are the same but different. I think Doctor Strangelove was obviously this very, very funny, well-done satire. It's a classic, yeah. Incredibly, you know, still stands today as like, if you haven't seen it, go on. Exactly.

You're missing out. A little bit like Volcano and Dante's Peak. Right, yeah. Or Armageddon and Deep Impact. You know, in the same year, the same fears, the same things happen. And I think this is a case of that. And yeah, I mean, well, it's so interesting.

It's worth watching. It is worth watching. I recommend. So I watched 12 Angry Men. Oh, that's a great movie. Also Peter Fonda. The reason I watched it was because, I've seen it before,

but I watched it again because... I didn't have anything else to do on Valentine's Day, so... It all comes out. I tell you what I had. I was looking... I i tell you what i had i was looking i'll tell you what i did in valentine's day evening and this is the truth i was i was i managed to get some some time out of my schedule right and i had a really hot and spicy date with a microwave Microwave curry for one. Nice. Okay. Right.

And a little bit of Hearthstone, yeah. Whoa. Man, I had a hell of a Valentine's Day, actually. No, so I watched 12 Angry Men with someone who's going to be doing some jury duty. Right. And, yeah, it really does hold up. I think there's an automatic thing in your head that puts you off black and white films right as a as a person as a person today like i i think that we are all attuned to like new stuff we want everything new i think that's why youtube is such a big thing like sometimes i'd rather watch something new or twitch is a thing i'd rather

watch something on twitch even if i know it's going to be boring and crap compared to like a really well placed like or slightly older youtube video you know whatever or i'd rather watch a film that's new and out of the cinema rather than something which is really highly recommended but a year old um so i think there's a big problem with like watching black and white films but i think if you can if you can overcome that there's actually some incredibly incredibly good films that are really worth watching and it's only an hour and a half 12 angry men and it's just it's just such a good movie if you haven't seen it um i watched it because i watched it in the office like one afternoon about five years ago and this one like it gripped me at the time and i enjoyed it at the time and i thought you know i was you know hanging out with this person who hadn't

seen it so i was like you know we should watch it and it was good it was good just shed a little tear at the end yeah it was nice it was emotional nice yeah nice yeah i recommend well i'm glad that you got all emotional and uh and enjoyed your film yeah yeah congrats yeah when was the last time you cried at something boys oh can you even touch with your emotions like yeah i cry a lot actually when i'm watching videos i watch those videos where people come home from a long way or a long time away and they see their loved ones or they see their dog and it gets very emotional like you know it's like emotional pornography that kind of stuff there's like a compilation of like people returning home from being away for a long time

like this guy was you know in prison for 15 years and he sees his kids for the first time or some oh yeah it really makes me tear up tearing up yeah get those you're allowed to as a man you're allowed to tear up when other men are emotional like around their kids or whatever it's kind of like that's okay contagious laughing your secret is still intact there's several things that are contagious right yawning laughing um and then crying is quite contagious but then barfing is obviously quite contagious as well like if you start if someone starts retching you're to start retching as well sometimes. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah. I got a little tiny bit emotional last weekend. We watched Inside Out. Is it Inside Out? Oh, yeah. Okay. You know the part when they're using the wagon with the magic and they're trying to get out of the pit of forgotten memories or whatever. Yeah, they're trying to like, yeah.

And they're doing the bing bong thing. It's trying trying to like fly but it can't yeah yeah yeah and then and then bing bong does the fucking ultimate sacrifice he's like hey joy let's try one more time i got a good feeling about this one and then they get onto the fucking wagon and then who is your best friend of all time bing bong bing bong and then and then she flies up and then it makes it because you know bing bong is morbidly obese and was weighing the whole thing down the whole time but you know yeah that that that selfless sacrifice yeah you know really really hit a chord with me and i was just like i didn't like it wasn't like a full cry but i could feel like a bit of moisture for me could feel like a bit of moisture forming.

Could feel like it welling up. Just around my cold dead eyes, yeah. Yeah, the big bog sacrifice. I mean, that is a very, I think that is a very kind of deliberately placed tearjerker moment though, that one. It is, yeah. It's kind of very, it's very carefully, it's very handcrafted, it's supposed to make you cry kind of thing.

I think what I like is when I randomly burst into tears at things that aren't supposed to make you cry. Like sometimes I remember I cried when I watched the last Lord of the Rings film when there was like some sort of epic battle going on or like the ghosts all turned up or some bit in the movie that I remember from the book. Like when you hear like the Star Wars theme music

blast out in the cinema and you haven't heard it for like 20 years or whatever. Something just, yeah. It's like a happy cry. Like you're so, you're emotionally overwhelmed that like your brain just thinks, oh, well, let's turn the tap on. I'm just going to have a cry.

Yeah. I don't mind it. I quite like it. It's cathartic crying sometimes. I find it relaxing. It resets me. It resetsets me in a way it doesn't get me bummed out if i'm what i mean if it's something super sad and i'm crying about that but if it's something like you said it's something almost artificial where i'm generating these emotions using a prop like a movie or a sad clip or a sad story like when i was when read The Road, which is a really depressing book.

Oh God, it's a terrible book, yeah. I cried so much in that book because it's just devastating. Some of the lines in that are just incredible and I was really, really moved. That really did bum me out because you get so into the characters in the book that that was super depressing. But when I watch a video of a guy who hasn't seen his dog in two years and him and the dog are going nuts and crying and i cry i just feel like this is good like i'm just relaxing here crying yeah i remember i was like i was crying one time though and i felt like really guilty about kind of enjoying it though i felt i felt like i shouldn't be enjoying the crying did that make you cry more?

No, not really. I just felt a bit like, oh, maybe, you know, this is weird. I shouldn't be having such a big boner while I'm just crying away. Oh, fuck. Oh, wow. Oh, man. I think the only time I cried after reading a book or during reading a book was I read Tuesdays with Maury. You remember that?

No, I haven't heard of it. It's sad. It sounds like it's about an old man. It is. It's about an old man who was very well loved and well regarded in the place that he lived. And he's one of these guys that the writer of the book would go visit every Tuesday, bring him his favorite bagels and stuff and listen to like his insights into life and how to, how to, how to be a human being and how to treat people and how to be happy and, and all this stuff. And, you know, he had all this great advice and everything, but he was,

he was slowly dying. And like this, this progressively got worse as the as the book went on it makes you think about people in your own life that you you maybe don't think about as often as you should you know don't don't let life like whisk you away from these people you know like don't don't don't put it off you know don't don't put off visiting these people and and learning from them and and doing all this stuff and like fuck i cried like a baby like after at the end of it. Like for hours, it was crazy. You know what? I find a lot of those life lessons that you know are true.

Like life goes very fast. Make the most of it. Make the most of every day and all this kind of stuff. In the back of my mind, I know all that shit's true. But I also think, shit, man, I really want to try playing Russia in Hearts of Iron 4 instead. So I've got a plan. You know, we're going to go. How do I carve time to try playing Russia and Hearts of Iron IV instead. So I've got a plan. You know, we're going to go.

How do I carve time to do this? I don't feel like that. Life is what happens while you're making other plans, though. Life isn't about the destination. It's about the journey. Life is what's happening right this moment, right this second. This is part of your life. Put it on a fucking poster.

Come on, P-Fax. You can't believe all that, right? Don't trot out the same old platitudes. want to i want to hear something fresh from the mind of lewis give me some life advice how can i fix my shitty life you have a fantastic life and you should be flex you know life is like a box of chocolates you never know when you're gonna accidentally eat the coffee flavored one and feel actually physically sick to your stomach. Nice. Yeah.

See, that's the kind of shit, Lewis. Why can't you give me some advice like that? Well, maybe I will, P-Flax. Maybe next time we meet up. I want you to come up with a list. We'll do like a heart to heart. We'll sit down. We'll go out for a nice romantic meal together.

We'll try to retain our masculinity by talking about football and eating sausages and stuff. But then we'll end up just crying in each other's arms just like saying how how how old we are yeah like how we've wasted our our lives i don't think i've wasted my life not too much no i don't think any of us have not too much except for that time that you tried to write happy valentine's day hey that was a success raul thought that that was hilarious. Well, yeah, at least Raoul liked it. That's pretty good. Let's do Bodega, shall we? Have you got Bodega P-Flex?

I do. This is a fucking weird Bodega. I noticed that someone was giving us advice on how to pronounce the parts numbers. Oh, yeah, there's a big list. Yeah, which one are we up to right now? Let me just consult the list and i'll tell you how i've actually abandoned uh because i i couldn't i was worried about mispronouncing it and this dude was well this lady was super annoyed with

the fact that as i'd stated very confidently each time i do not speak spanish and i'm just giving it a bloody good go so i'm not going to how to pronounce 15 in Spanish because okay, it's just I'm not getting a day 15 15 And Ben all right, so this is part quince all right. That's 15 what quince 15, okay? He didn't say it's quince quince quince a hundred percent sure it's quince Quince It's quince A hundred percent sure it's quince

Quince So next week is going to be an interesting one What's next week? It's going to be The jetty says Let me look it up What is 16? It's supposed to be the S

The S says Jetty says Jetty says Jetty says Yeah Jetty ocho Oh, everyone in Spanish has just felt that. I'm sorry, your whole world is collapsing around you. I'm so sorry. It's all right. I'm so sorry.

The Bodega, Park Quince. A small monochrome vid screen flooded the darkness of the Disco Volante's lounge area with bouncing blue light, highlighting the different strata of the vast vape cloud settling in the breezeless space. Bodega was slumped on a sofa. He'd slid halfway down, his legs kicked out way in front of him. His back was beginning to ache from spending so long in this dumb position, but he was too drunk to move. On screen, a yellow jumpsuit-wearing moron was grinding his entire body

up against a giant pair of foam buttocks. Behind the moron were more morons, grinding up against their own pairs of foam buttocks. They gyrated and grinded and daggered to the terrible synthy music, while this grade-A varmint hopped up about front, leering at Bodega. Ja, mit de fantastisch Buttgrinder, available from BlatchCorp for just 19 krells and 99 schmetz.

You can get your body into shape, you flaving fat slobhund. The Tann Blatchman way is the only way. Don't be a Bodega, get into shape with me, Tan Blatchman! BODEGA barked, a single unintelligible yet furious honking sound. Next week on the Blatch Hour we take a tour down memory lane where I will recount to you the many ways that my wife Majesta Blatchman pleases me sexually. Ha ha ha ha ha, brayed Blatchman as he rode an imaginary horse around the studio, whooping and slapping the air where the horse's flank would be. Who's the cowboy? Me! I ride Ziponi! Bodega always watched Tan Blatchman's Blatch Hour. He could not explain why he needed

to see it week in, week out, but he did. He needed to see Blatchman, and he knew there would be references to Majesta and their relationship constantly. Tan loved bragging about his amazing, beautiful wife, even though she was actually destined to be Bodega's amazingly beautiful wife, and this was clearly just a mind-controlled trick or some flabbing dimensional portal thing or whatever. I'm gonna take a gigantic, scary shit, and the destination for that epic turn will be the dickhole of tan Blatchman's slurred bodega. Before finally his feet and legs gave way and like a human mudslide he slithered all

the way down the sofa and finally came to rest on the floor where he blacked out. He woke with a jump, hand flashing to his lasgun as he felt a cold metal hand on his neck. Just checking your pulse, said Varu, as Bodega relaxed. Ain't gone just yet, pard, groaned Bodega, shuffling into a sitting position. Fix me some scoffy, would you? They do have robot scoffy machines, but I am not one, said Varu, standing and striding to the bridge of the Disco Volante. Well, look, do you think, Bodega began,

but he was cut off by a shrill and repetitive pinging sound coming from the bridge. Veru, what did you do? shouted Bodega, standing and stumbling towards the sound. It's the proximity alert, said Nebish, who was, as always, on the bridge at his computer. We ain't moving, though, said Bodega. I would recommend checking the local sensors, said Nebish. We're cloaked, Neb. Ain't no way anyone can. And yet again, Bodega was interrupted in mid-sentence as the ship suddenly rolled to the left and the artificial gravity cut out. Everyone began tumbling around the interior, banging into things, and things began tumbling around the interior, banging into people and

other things. In short, it got messy very quickly. A cup of scoffy was spinning in the air, spewing droplets of hot liquid all over the bridge equipment. Half-eaten food, articles of clothing, some Skrells, and a hell of a lot of empty ale bottles, all moving slowly around the inside of the Disco Volante and crashing into each other and creating more bits of rubbish. It was a cascade failure, and soon the entire bridge and all other rooms that weren't sealed off would be thick with particles of refuse. rooms that weren't sealed off would be thick with particles of refuse. Gawp damn, I wish we had a cleaner, said Reed cheerily as he cartwheeled helplessly past Bodega and straight out into the kitchen area, followed by a hearty crash. Nibish, what the farviz, Bodega began, before being cut off by a huge impact that sent the

ship rolling again. If I get interrupted one more time I'm gonna lose my shit, said Bodega, drawing his lasgun pointlessly as he nosedived into the engineering room, the lasgun flying out of his hand and disappearing into a vent. There was a high-pitched shriek, and then the ship's internal tannoy system crackled into life. Hello, Bodega, mein Freund, said a voice that sent a chill down the spines of decent people everywhere. Arm everything, fire everything, shouted Bodega towards the bridge. But everyone was spinning too wildly

or being struck by too much garbage to do anything. Yeah, it's too late. We already have boarding off you now, said the voice. And with a brutal skonk sound, the ship was suddenly still and the artificial gravity

returned to normal. Everyone crashed to the ground and was showered in previously floating garbage. A carve beam began cutting through the hull in the cargo bay with a shower of sparks and a terrible tearing sound. Get to your battle stations, shouted Bodega, flipping a sofa over and taking cover behind it. The cut piece of hull crashed to the deck

and loud classical music began playing. A small red carpet rolled out from the hole in the hull and an even smaller robot rolled down it, dropping rose petals behind it as it went, an even smaller robot rolled down it, dropping rose petals behind it as it went. Presenting Tan Blatchman, shouted the tannoy. And there on the disco volante was Tan Blatchman, prancing down the red carpet, waving to an invisible crowd, flexing his muscles, and wearing the gawked-down idiotic yellow jumpsuit and, worst of all, that cape of his. Tan, take a good look around.

These are your last moments, shouted Bodega, preparing to throw a void grenade. Hold your horses, my little cowboy chum. I have some bad news, yeah. I don't want to be in this messy piece of scrub ship any more than you are being vaunting me here. What is it called anyway? The dicko vomitante? That's incorrect,

said Varu. And also lame. Well, duh, shouted Tan, before planting his thumbs into his belt loops and standing with his legs improbably far apart, right in the middle of Bodega's lounge. Don't you ever clean this place? Und where is the workout area? State your case and then get out,

said Bodega from behind the sofa. They took her, said Tan meekly. Who took Majesta? shouted Bodega. Why are you shouting? I can hear you fine. She was taken, I think, by some baddies, you know, pirates or something, said Tan, casting his eyes around the trashed interior of the ship. Bodega stood

slowly, still standing behind the overturned couch. Why did you attack us? asked Nebish. His hair matted against his face and his glasses cracked. It's just more, you know, dramatic and so on, said Tan casually. I have my audience to think about. What audience? asked Bodega, gesturing around. This one, said Tan, pointing at the tiny camera droid hovering at his shoulder.

Are you broadcasting right now? said Bodega. Yeah, of course, this is gold, you boobie, shouted Tan. Bodega's blood ran cold. Not only had this galaxy-sized anus found them, he'd also given away their position to anyone with a darn TV. And he'd lost Majesta. And he's messed up the ship in a big way. And in fact, he'd sullied it.

Its holy interior, with his filthy presence. Tan, said Bodega, trying to remain calm, walking slowly towards the absolute moron, posing and pouting in the middle of his ship. Tan, Bodega kept repeating. Bodega was normally a very visibly angry man on occasions such as these, but Blatchman had actually pushed him into an emotional state so extreme, so powerful, that his body lacked the correct gestures or expressions to match it. When he got within six feet of Tan Blatchman, Bodega said, Tan, one tan one more time barely audible then blacked out and face planted at his feet prone and unconscious the ship was quiet for a moment tan raised his

arms in outrage yo can i get a scoffy or what the end that's it jesus christ what a ride it's gonna be to be continued I guess What a thrill ride It's just stupid I just love Tam Blatchman, I don't know why I think he might have to join the crew Well, I mean, I think I think he'd make a great addition to the crew

You need some tension, I've been thinking Too many of the characters are friends of Bode That's it, a bit of tension but also he's a very um um interesting loud character i like him a lot actually yeah i like him a lot yeah i think you've done well we'll see we'll see how the public responds to this yeah colossal i thought it was good man i thought it was still a really good one i thought it was excellent i too many too many of the recent episodes have been like high concept i just wanted one where dumb shit happened yeah and this was a very like a

bridging episode very dumb episode you need some of those like this is like your empire strikes back hey what what are you implying that was just a bridging episode that was the best one it was the best one but it was a bridging episode it's not a bridging episode the bridging episode would imply there was just a lot of there was a lot of there was a couple of things resolved and then a couple of things left hanging which is like you know pretty typical bridging episode i always think of i'm not saying it was just a bridging episode i'm saying it's the best fucking bridging episode of all fucking time i just feel like the term bridging episode makes out that he's just like you know that you get those episodes in like a long run in drama where nothing really happens.

They just move from point A to point B. And it's just like you could forget that episode in a heartbeat. Like there's no standout moments or anything like that. The Empire Strikes Back was not that, I don't think. I don't know. There was there's parts of it that were, I guess, like, I mean, I guess there was some pretty big moments in it, too. Like Luke finding out that Darth Vader's father getting his hand chopped yeah i mean if you haven't seen it obviously stop listening now i know a lot of people that haven't ever seen the star wars movies

really yeah i mean my wife hasn't really like she's seen them like she knows of them but like she's not like a fan or anything well you gotta understand, that's partly why they rebooted it. It's like the same thing I was talking about earlier. It's tough for people, younger people, to watch what are perceived as old films. And they have aged pretty well, Star Wars films. But they're such iconic films that it feels like even if you haven't seen them, you've seen them. I don't know how to say that. Yeah, true, yeah.

Right, well, that is all we've got time for on Travels this week. week that was amazing i had a good time thank you very much me too uh we will see you all next time cheers goodbye from me it's goodbye from sips but it's goodbye from flats bye goodbye bye