Triforce! - Triforce! #36: This Stupid Planet

Episode Date: March 1, 2017

Lewis, Sips and Pyrion are back for another Triforce! The discovery of Trappist-1 has led our guys on a massive science ramble which, of course, leads to Star Trek.   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hey, everybody. What's up? Welcome to the Triforce Podcast. Hello. We're all sick. Well, I'm not actually sick. These two pussies are sick.

We almost didn't even do the podcast today, but they're here. They're going to power through. So let's give them a big hand. Louis Imperian. Good job, guys. Come on. I knew you could do it. I knew you guys could do it.

I knew you guys could muster up the strength to get it together. That's right. Dust yourselves off. Put your helmets back on. Get back in the game, motherfuckers. Get back in the game. So, I've just got a bit of a sore throat. It's been off and on.

And I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm fine otherwise. P-Flex, what's up with you? Have you got like some various child sickness that rotates around from one of the grimy, grimy, gross, snotty kids at school? Exactly. I think that, I mean, my youngest was laid low

for like three or four days by it. And she got it just towards the end of half term, started to have an awful cough, like rattly chest. She sounded like an old steam engine, an old timey steam engine, like one of the really early ones that they were working on. A chuffer. Yeah, but they hadn't quite perfected the technology yet.

So it didn't do much. It just made horrible barking noises. That was pretty much her call. Man, when your daughter was sick, I don't know if your kids do this, but my kids seem to like, it doesn't bug them when their throat is, you know

like sometimes you get really phlegmy and your voice goes all like like old grandma you raspy i've been smoking for 80 years sort of thing when my kids do that they don't bother to clear their throats keep talking yeah dad can i have a can i have a cheese string and you're like come on clear your throat i can't even understand what you're saying. Yeah, they just don't even understand that simple. They don't care, yeah. They're just like, whatever. But she learned to blow her nose, which is a big one. Otherwise, they just sniff all the time.

And I'm like, that makes you sicker. Gotta blow your nose. So now she's cracked it. She can do the nose blowing, which is good. Well, that's an important skill. Life skill. Learning to blow your nose. You don't even realize knowing to clear your throat when you're going and blowing your nose these are

very gentle though you shouldn't blow your nose like a trumpet you should be gentle well yeah no like my son when you say blow your nose you put the tissue up to his nose and he just like goes like crazy like i sometimes i think like more than just snot's gonna come out like he blows super hard but then my daughter doesn't know how to blow her nose but she sees my son doing it so she wants to copy him right so if you put the like if you say to her like come blow your nose she'll like she'll run over like all excited and everything and then if you put the tissue close to her nose she just goes i feel like when i get sick from something, uh, now, like in the past, it used to be, I'd always know I was getting sick.

Cause I got that thing at the back of my throat where you could just feel germs just settling in and you think, Oh, you can feel them like running around and you think, Oh, I get the, I get the impression something bad is going to happen here. But now, cause I get so many different germs all at once from all these damn kids and they're mutated germs that have been, they've been on the playground of like life, you know, they're just going from person to person.

They're like, it's like running from ride to ride. It's like when they go around the classroom, the germs come in and it's like, they've been to a theme park and it's closed. No one else is in there and they can just go on every ride and they're just hopped up on sugar and there's charging around. So the germs get to me and it's closed. No one else is in there. And they can just go on every ride and they're just hopped up on sugar and they're just charging around. So the germs get to me and it's a totally confusing mix of symptoms.

Like one day I'm okay. The next day my eyes are running. Do you ever get that thing in the middle of the night sometimes when your throat is really, really dry? There's like a dry patch in your throat and you wake up coughing and you're like swallallowing trying to like lube it up and get rid of it or whatever night that was last night do you know what that actually is though go on it's a spider in your throat oh is it they crawl in yeah sometimes they crawl like up in through your nose or whatever they get like man quite low down and he was just trying to get out and they're they they get stuck and they try to aggravate you a bit and stuff and yeah so that that dry

patches and actually dry I had spider spider spider just got right up in there yeah he's just and they try to aggravate you a bit and stuff. And yeah, so that dry patch isn't actually a dry patch at all. I had spider throat. Spider just got right up in there, yeah. He's just in there. That's a damn shame. He was exploring. He just wanted to see what was down there. He just found a cave and he was like, I'm going to go check it out.

And then next thing you know, yeah, you're swallowing and killing him. I don't like the sound of that. What if it was Spider-Man? What if that's how he got started? He didn't get bitten by a radioactive spider. he's just swallowed so many spiders at night he's going he sleeps with his mouth open right near a really old piece of furniture that spiders live in and they just always every night they're like let's go lads down the mouth great his great grandfather's armchair yeah just like sleeps next to with his mouth wide open yeah if you eat many more spiders you're

gonna turn into a spider oh grandma it's too late oh shit man maybe that's it maybe that's how all superheroes get started you know maybe they're just subjected to something over and over and over again that's what gives them their power their body just mutatesates according to the environment. I like that. They become superheroes. That could be a thing though. Nowadays we don't like superheroes to be too super.

We like them to be strong. But we like them to have more human characteristics. And have weaknesses and stuff like that as well. They have to suffer emotional turmoil. Like millennial level emotional turmoil. Oh, yeah, I know. What's my place in the world? I don't understand.

Who am I? My parents are so mean. Yeah, that's literally their life. It's just half of comics now is people staring at the moon and looking gloomy and thinking, Oh, I wish I didn't have all these amazing superpowers. My parents. Hey, on the topic of the moon and looking gloomy and thinking oh i wish i didn't have all these amazing superpowers oh my parents hey on the topic of the moon though um yeah well you you heard right about these seven planets oh yeah that they found and i saw your your quip i'm not sure lewis checked

twitter in time he said that maybe now there's a chance you'll get a girlfriend there, Lewis, because they found seven new planets and one of them might be habitat. It's increased the odds, right? Like now there's like even more of a chance you might hook up with a chick. Yeah. Thank you, sir. So they found seven Earth-like planets in like the Goldilocks zone of this of this dwarf dwarf star thing yeah yeah and um but they're 39 light years away so i noticed that they were all like super close to the sun okay

because it's such a cool star yeah it's a big red dwarf they're all like i think i think we are i think earth is one astronomical unit away or something that's one au that's what we define as one au is our distance. So it's the distance. But they're all sort of 0.01 AU. Like they're like a lot closer. I mean, we're pretty far from sun, to be fair. Yeah, but if it's not, it's about 2,000 times less bright than our sun, apparently.

Yeah. So that's like substantially. It's very big. It's a cool star. It's still fucking hot, but it's cool compared to ours a cool star it's still fucking hot but it's cool compared to us be like a massive it would be big in the sky yep and because the planets are so close together when you look up in the sky you'll see all these planets like the way we see the moon you'll see all these planets that's it's amazing and because because of them shit right it is it

really is and because of their proximity to uh the sun and the speed that they are orbiting it, they think they're probably tidally locked. So one side of the planet will have sunlight, the other will be in relative darkness. So it would be, I mean, it would be incredible to look up and see that view. And I was thinking how that would change your appreciation for, you know, the solar system, like that was this magical thing. mean it would be yeah it would be incredible because ours would like the the fact that the well i mean yeah i mean god put those planets there for a reason right like i we have to we have to figure out why you know we'll get there one day and they'll be like

maybe we could build a really tall ladder because it's that close and it looks that big. I reckon you could do it. I just wonder if having that amazing view as your society evolves, you would think, wow, we're just meaningless, nothing. We're just a speck in this universe. Or whether you'd think, fuck yeah, we got the best planet ever. We are amazing. I don't know what they'd think. We here on Earth have had the moon forever to look at.

And it hasn't stopped us from thinking that we're the fucking best and not giving a shit about anything else. Let me tell have had the moon forever to look at and it hasn't stopped us from thinking that we're the fucking best and yeah but look at the moon about anything let me tell you about the moon it's tidally locked right you only see one side of it and i think that sort of it's like a big flat plate that just hangs there and i love the moon they're gonna be wrong i love our moon but dude we're talking about seeing like six planets and a giant sun all in perfect like orchestra yeah and it would just be ridiculous and each of those planets would be visible like a friggin moon in the sky and you just watch it this is mad i mean it's you know it makes our moon look like a like a peanut by comparison but

how are we how would we get there though because it's like they say it's close but i mean it's not close this fucking guy this guy on twitter says to me it's still a long way away period it is though i mean 39 light years that's fucking far man like no that is nobody's getting out there is nothing so the thing is though if there's seven planets they're like abundant with new resources and potential for profit and all that kind of stuff no no no we'll probably find a way to get there pretty soon, I'm sure. Potentially habitate it. Habitate it. Right? I mean, alright guys, I get it. It's a long way. I get it. It's a long way. It'll take us hundreds and hundreds of years to get there. Right. With our current technology, the important fact is that we've found in, like,

this is like our neighbor, okay? In terms of the galaxy and the scales involved and everything, this thing is like, oh my God, I didn't even know that this Sainsbury's Express was here. And it's just around the corner. Unbelievable. It's so convenient. Those blueberries. Yeah, I mean, all right. It's still a bit of a walk. You've got to go down the road, take a right, take a left. And sometimes crossing that big road is a bit tricky, but it's closer than you thought.

And it's pretty much a neighbour. I mean, if we found one that was one light year away and it you know that would be insane but the fact that it's 39 all right 39 light years sounds like a long way but geez we're not even close to leaving the solar system yet but when by the time we are that's going to be the most likely destination it's like wow that is actually pretty close yeah, I think that'll definitely be worth exploring. And I guess if the planets have proper atmospheres and stuff like that, it'll be easier to explore. Yeah. And the technology will advance by then

so that the people who go there to explore could potentially come back as well, bring back a bunch of weird diseases and kill us all. The issue with the exploration is the time dilation kill us all the issue the issue with the uh the exploration is the uh the time dilation that's the issue if you set off on a mission it's like a classic sci-fi story if you set off on a mission to another planet on a sleeper vessel that's like close to light speed by the time you get there uh time on earth would have passed so much more that they would have overtaken you in technology so what do they call it um generate not a generation ship like there's a sci-fi trope about yeah yeah yeah right yeah you know the one so the you know you set off at 39 well we'll get there in 39 years lads because

we're traveling at exactly light speed in this vessel yeah yeah and then by the time they get there we've already colonized it and everybody's laughing at them you fucking caveman welcome oh look at this piece of shit ship they got going. Look at the fucking jalopy they showed up in. Fucking morons. Fucking idiots. Send them home. Jesus.

Oh, man. I mean, I don't think we'd ever get there. We're never going to get there in our lifetime. But we could certainly build a telescope or something to really have a good old peak at this get jealous here's the thing right we we look at things under this very very current view of technology okay and that's unfortunately a very poor way to look at things i think that um i'm sorry sites look 500 years ago people would would have not have thought what what the internet like they would mobile phones like they like the stuff that we have today is is

magic to them yeah and uh in 500 years it'll be the same i think what we'll find is that it's hard to conceive now what we can do in the future but i don't think that's going to be oh suddenly star trek fast and light travel i think it'll be stuff that we don't expect like um yeah you know we'll be able to transfer our brains into a machine or or machines would have taken over or we can freeze people or whatever it is jimmy and it'll be it'll be something weird so i think that you know it's nice to know that there's other planets out there that are in the habitable zone but bear in mind mars is in the habitable zone and no one's you know we're talking about colonizing that and that's going to be then again a lot of earth is in the habitable zone but no one wants to live there you know

antarctic like the oceans oh you put that hello antarctic anybody heard of it it's super cold on on the topic of the oceans i wouldn't live under the ocean that would creep me out but i would definitely live floating on the ocean in a floating city or like in water world yeah yeah well like a water world yeah that'd be cool a lot of people have built out onto the ocean in various places though like a lot of um a lot of places like in dubai and and um netherlands and parts of london they just build out onto they just reclaim land from the water. You know, like in Jersey, where the movie theater is and stuff, Lewis.

Yeah. Remember like when you came over here, that's all reclaimed as well. That was the sea years ago. They just built out onto it. Build out all over onto the sea. Yeah, just a big floating barge thing. I'm not saying that it's not worth knowing this stuff.

This is really, really cool. But as a cynical kind of from a cynical viewpoint there's a lot more still to do here before we consider trying to build something that will go off and at the moment don't you know what more is there to do here though we've built all the parking lots and shopping malls we can we need we need to build them somewhere else now lewis yeah think of the holiday think of the holiday dollars the space dollar that's a big dollar think about how big christmas could be on seven new planets holy shit that's fucking crazy well it might be that we don't even need more space here's the thing there's likely to be a point in the future where the global population

stabilizes and then perhaps even decreases i think a couple of the planets it's the only way to persist i think what they'll do with a couple of the planets. Yeah, that's why you need a new planet. It's the only way to persist. I think what they'll do with a couple of the planets is they'll sort of like, somebody will buy the planet and be like, nobody's allowed to live here because we're just going to. They can't because of the space treaty that was signed. Completely pillage it for all of its natural beauty and resources. No sips.

You can't own shit in space. But isn't that an interesting concept? They'll reform that. They'll change it. They'll change it to suit them when it comes down to it they're saying that now because there's nowhere worth having in space

but as soon as somebody finds like a planet that's made out of diamonds or something like that trust me like somebody will be like oh well that one's mine for sure nobody else can have that I've got to control these fucking diamonds yeah exactly like that's totally gonna happen well yeah i mean you have to have like some taxation on on some of this stuff

in order for it to you know that was one of the things wasn't it was it bill gates was talking a load about like taxing robots or something do you remember did you did you did you read this taxing robots that's cool yeah that'd be. So companies that replace their workers with robots don't have to pay, you know, to tax out to people effectively anymore. Do you know what I was reading about efficiency and about one of the issues with the amount of work that we're doing and the amount of return

we're getting for the hours we're working is you'd expect us to be getting more efficient as time's going on, but apparently we're getting less efficient. I that was interesting or we're less productive we're doing we're making well i don't know i can't even remember the article i probably shouldn't have quoted it but i definitely read something that was like showing how wages are stagnating productivity is going down and you'd expect it to be going up but it's not so we're actually spending more time working for the same amount i don't think that's i don't think that's actually the case i think like when you look at

like um gdp and things like this and productivity they always they always go up and they always have done i mean that's that's like that's like the mystery of declining productivity growth in the wall street journal oh well well there you go i mean i think a lot of places though we might well not need to colonize anywhere is what i'm, because it looks like the population of the Earth might cap and then go down. You're wrong. People will always want to get away from the Earth. No, you're wrong about that, too. No, trust me, though.

Like, the same way they wanted to get away from Europe back in the day as well. There will be people that want to go. They're going to be like, you know what? I know a bunch of people that I met on the internet. We got a little community. We believe in dildonians and nobody believes us

and they all laugh at us and you know what? We built a spaceship and peace out, motherfuckers. We're out of here. We're going. We're going to go colonize one of these planets

before any of you guys get dibs on it. It's the diamond one and we're going to create a new society. We're going to create a new society we're going to break free from the shackles of um you guys and we're going to do our own thing and then that's what's going to happen yeah but the main reason is that unless you can get off your original planet as a species within about i think i guess you'd probably want to do it within

a hundred thousand years of you achieving sort of sentience right and you'd probably want to do it within a hundred thousand years of you achieving sort of sentience right and you know you need to do it because otherwise an asteroid's going to hit the planet and your species is going to be wiped out the only way to future-proof your your species is to get out there and start colonizing shit you have to become that's why mars is important to colonize even though it's's... You need some peeps. I think what they should do actually with Mars is just, they should, all the prisons on Earth and stuff, they should just... Mars, like in Ghosts of Mars.

Yeah, man, nobody wants to fucking, yeah, no one wants to fucking live there. I mean, it needs to be, and this is a little bit of a dystopian sort of scary thing, but it needs to be done kind of by self-building robots. You know, we need to get up a factory in space that can mine and build more factories that mine and build stuff and so you know by the time we get to mars we'll go there and robots will have covered the entire surface with concrete luxury apartments concrete yeah oh we missed we fucked up the programming guys they just

pro they concreted the entire planet all the good stuff they forgot to put down the lines what's up we need a well we gotta send somebody out there there's no lines painted here line by urgent vacancy for a guy to paint lines just a giant parking lot it's not complete with one space i genuinely think that's probably the best that's that's the most likely sort of thing though it i think that we i think we have to i'm a little bit worried i don't know this is maybe some crazy paranoia don't worry about it there's gonna be a limit that the human brain can handle okay and so we're gonna have to leave it to computers to to program and come up with and

innovate the next generation of science or or discovery you know the super we're going to have to create ais that can create smarter ais in order to get to the next advancement tier right of of the next research level i think that there must be a limit on the human brain you know being there's no limit on my brain i love your i love your technology tree idea with with with all this that's that's good like you can tell you play a lot of video games yeah he's going right down the tech tree but um but no like i don't know that for certain things yeah but there's still a lot of things that can be done that we you know there's still a lot of things that can be done that we, you know, there's still a lot of things about nature, like on this planet that we don't know about. And what of love? Robots do not understand love.

We're always finding new things and new ways around things and solutions for stuff. Like, I'm sure it's not going to be beyond our means, like when a problem comes up sort of thing. thing but the problem is now is that every everything on earth is so profit driven that there's not there's not going to be any real advancement that is nothing to do with with profit you know what i mean like it'll have to be it'll come down to there's a really good commercial reason for doing something and then everybody's going to want to do it what scares me and you say that is, what if we're the Ferengi? Maybe.

What if we actually are the Ferengi? It could be that we're the Ferengi. Like, I never really considered it before, but... I think we are. Now that you mention it, I think there's a good chance we're the Ferengi. And nobody wants to be the Ferengi. No.

They were the dicks of Star Trek. Everybody wants to be the race that Picard is. Although I do like my ears being touched, by the way. There you go. Update Tinder with that shit. There you go. I was watching Star Trek last night. I've got a little evening ritual.

I make my kids watch Next Gen with me every evening at about 6 o'clock. I record them off SyFy. Man, do you know what? That is a good thing to do. I know, dude. Your kids are going to be really well-rounded from that. Yeah. I'm not even joking.

I think that that's quality family time that they'll remember when they're older. I think they will. My youngest likes it because we just sit on the sofa and cuddle for an hour. And my oldest likes it because the kids love data. Data is exactly like a child. I thought you were going to say dad. No, they like data. The kids love dad time.

They like data because he asks questions the same way that they ask questions. And data is very much like... What is this sensation I'm feeling in my genitals? They gave me genitals? Why do they do that? Yeah, so they see data say things like... Data's fully functional. Yeah, and they'll say

to the cat you know they'll say oh your cat's probably dreaming he's like hmm so then he will sit and watch the cat asleep he's watching the cat i've been watching spud sleep for two hours was there an episode where he accidentally pet the cat too hard or something because he's like he wasn't like aware of his limits and men oh maybe that's what i'm getting confused with but i just like i seem to recall there's like there was like a controversy around data not like out in the real world i mean like within like the confines of star trek the next generation where he like almost killed a cat wow and everybody on board was like data what the fuck like maybe you shouldn't be looking after a cat. I don't remember that episode.

I don't know my limits. I'm stronger than I thought I was. I was just trying to give Mr. Cuddles a really good stroke. Mr. Cuddles can't walk anymore. Mr. Cuddles is the tripod now. Yeah, he says what he's doing all the time. He asks questions all the time uh he's very straightforward whatever he's thinking he'll say it and so he's perfect for the kids to follow

he's just like a character in a kid's movie that is kids in a nutshell always saying what they're doing holy crap i never realized until just now that's exactly what they do it's crazy data is like the kids so when when they watch it, they fucking love Data. The Data-centric episodes, they super love. But we watched some crappy episodes. Like real mid-season filler episodes. Real stinkers, yeah. Like there's one where, oh, God, I stopped this one 10 minutes in. Beverly goes back to her home.

She's like, I think she's Scottish. It's her clan, the Howard clan, okay? Goes back to her grandmother's house who's passed away. There's like all this old memorabilia she's looking at and there's this little

cast iron lamp that's lit and this mysterious old man comes to the house and tells her, puts the lamp out while she's upstairs and she comes out

and says, get out of my house. What are you doing? I've inherited this house, this place is mine. He goes, oh, that lamp's brought nothing but misery to your family for generations. down and says, get out of my house. What are you doing? I've inherited this house, this place. He goes, that lamp's brought nothing but misery

to your family for generations. And she says, don't turn out that lamp. It's the Howard lamp. He goes, it's cursed. The lamp is cursed. All the women in your house.

And she turns it back on and he says, all right, I'm going, but it's on your heed. And I thought, all right. So he leaves and then she turns the lamp back on

and I was like, this looks terrible. I turn on the lamp back on and i was like this looks terrible i turn on the synopsis and it said beverly crusher is haunted by an 800 year old ghost and i was like fuck this i was like kids we're not watching this episode it sounds like ass they're never they i mean beverly crusher is a support character who should never have any character development or progression you know she just needs to turn up every once in a while and be like captain you have to see this you're a leper captain it's not right it's not right for your dick and your balls to be fused together like that captain we're gonna have

to do data data get me the scalpel data jesus christ what the fuck is wrong with my genitals jace you know like she that's that's her role not to have a space scalpel not to have a fucking whole you know family lineage thing where she has to go back like nobody gives a fuck you know same with same with will crusher like who cares how he got there and who his dad is and stuff just fucking you know learn how to fly the fucking ship and shut up like that's it that's all you Just fucking, you know, learn how to fly the fucking ship and shut up. Like, that's it. That's all you got to do.

You know, leave the cool stories to Riker and Data and... Worf. You know? I mean, Worf's backstory is great. Occasionally Geordi LaForge as well. You know? God, do you know what?

Geordi, by the way, I think that his character's interesting. He gets in this relationship. I think he gets to remember that this was like a multiple episode story arc. So at one point they need to save the Enterprise and he has to create a holodeck simulation of the woman who invented the warp drive, or this particular version of the warp drive.

So he creates this holodeck version of her, it builds a personality for her from its database. Yeah, and he starts to fall in love with it. And he falls in love with it, and then he meets the real one and she's a real kind of a bitch and not interested because you know she's like look just let's get the job over with i'm not into you can we just hurry up i want to go home and he's like oh man and he's super sad i thought it was the rapiest episode of yeah he's basically he is like that but the thing is gene roddenberry apparently was a bit of a shit uh to put it bluntly and the reason reason that Gates McFadden and a bunch of other women have left Star Wars over the years is because of him and his comments and stuff like that. So, I mean, he has that episode where, oh, there's, I've read a really, it's a really good article highlighting all the terrible, especially in the earlier Star Treks, the terrible attitudes that Gene Roddenberry has towards women.

And I think he, like, he was just a complete shit because he was like a hero of mine for star trek but like all of all of my heroes it turns out they're assholes you see you should have you should have pictured him taking a dump man then you wouldn't have held him in such high esteem i think i think that they knew this about him beforehand yeah i mean i think that yeah it's like a lot of i think in the 70s in order to work in television in britain or in the UK, you just had to be either a molester or a drug addict or a drunk or something. That was how you got in. You couldn't get in just with talent. It was like, hey, have you done anything inappropriate in your career?

Oh, yeah. I pinch women's asses all the time. Sometimes I beat them up. Okay. Yeah. You can be an exec producer. Do people actually pinch people's butts anymore i do do you yeah but only my wife's and i don't pinch you actually you you physically pinch her butt just i give it a squeeze the pinch wait i don't use like a hand yeah i don't use a mechanical pincher no no that's what i'm talking

about i'm talking about the mechanical pinch. Is it like a little thumb and finger pinch or is it like a thumb and it's like a whole hand pinch? I don't, you know when you pinch someone and you pinch just a tiny bit of skin, that really hurts, right?

I don't do that. Yeah, it does. I'm talking like, imagine if you were squeezing a tomato to see how ripe it was. I'm like testing the ripeness of that butt. That's the kind of pinch

we're talking about. Like a ha ha. That's not really, that's a grab. Yeah. I always, that's a grab. That's not a pinch. Like a ha-ha. That's a grab. That's a grab. That's not a pinch.

I thought a pinch was always like to like, because you see in the old cliche movies where the woman like frightens, like leaps away from you. Yeah, because that hurts. Getting pinched fucking hurts, man. Like it doesn't matter. Pinching is one of the most evil things you can do to someone, honestly.

I think it is. You know where it really hurts? really hurts pinch like behind the the top of your arm oh yeah like where you're like where your bingo wings are inside of the thigh there and the bingo why would you do that oh my god well when you're in school though that you like i used like we used to pinch people like at school like as a joke sort of thing so like if somebody was standing outside in the smoking area and you'd sneak up behind them and like you know pinch the back of their leg or the back of their arm or something just like it's like uh yeah kids do like that though right someone pinches me i'm gonna punch him in the fucking mouth that's it now yeah if i get pinched as an adult look out like i'm gonna fucking go into rage mode i don't want to be pinched at all like actually i've got i've got like a a sphere around me like my own personal space i don't want you in

that you get in there anyone it's go time yeah that's it that's it's over if you if you step into that area so pinching whatever forget it i don't want i don't want to know about it but yeah like it's it's such a it's such a thing though it's like a cliche isn't it like hey hey hot stuff like pinch pinch a girl's butt or whatever like no nobody actually does that like it's impossible right like do people did people used to do that in like the 50s or or like nobody does it now right or do people still anyone anyone with any pinching stories no i mean i don't i've never pinch I don't. I've never pinched anyone. No, I've never pinched anybody. I pinch girls' asses all the time. Of course you do.

There's always one. Every restaurant I'm in, I'm like, hey, baby. Pinch! Oh, it's the pinching guy. You're going to have to have one of those whiskey smooth sliders or whatever the fuck I don't know. Pinch, pinch. Yeah, no. Jesus, it's not Benny Hill.

Yeah, that's it that's benny hill isn't it running after like a column of women trying to pinch their butts yeah i mean he was like pretty gross wasn't he like oh oh benny hill oh he i've looked it up i figured like when when utree was happening for any american viewers i don't know what utree is is it a massive investigation the police did in into the fact that most of the people it seems that were on television in the 70s and 80s were rapists or child molesters or just awful people um alongside that and i i felt benny hill was a fucking shoo-in for you tree had to be Like, he was on my list of number one. He had all the Hallmark characteristics, doesn't he? Right.

Rolf Harris was not on my list of potentials. Benny Hill? No. Right on there. And it turns out, like, Benny Hill, I haven't heard anything bad about him. I think because he was just, his TV show was perverted, right? And kind of twisted. But he apparently just wasn't.

He was like a nice guy. But all the guys who seemingly had wholesome and and and pleasant shows they were the perverts fucking rolf rolf harris dude the guy with the most bill cosby allegedly as well yeah this is i think so the more innocent they seem the less innocent they am that's my take on it i got gotcha right yeah oh my god right well that is well that is that is that is all we've got time for today

because we're going to make it a short one what about Bodega me and P-Flex need to need to have a lie down I think if you've done a Bodega we can do one I've got a pretty

pretty sweet sweet and short Bodega right here wicked let's do it wicked because because of the criticisms of the Spanish language intro

I've had to go for English I don't know how to say 16. Okay. Bodega part... I can try to say it. What is it? 16. 16.

Is it dieces? No idea. You tell me what you think it is and I'll pronounce it. My pronunciation of Spanish words is incredible. It is. I think it's bodega part dieces. Dieces. Beautiful.

DHS. Bodega part DHS. Sniper class, you will come to attention, barbed the burly instructor. He had the self-assurance of a toddler, stood, hands on hips, on the brow of a low ridge at the firing range on Covell 7.

Ah, 6, sorry. His clothes were so khaki-coloured that they almost... I don't want to get my Covell mixed up. His clothes were so khaki-coloured that they almost acted as camouflage against the backdrop of the dull brown sky. His uniform fluttered in the strong wind that was battering them all. The windsock, a few metres behind him, was pulled completely horizontal, then it dipped suddenly as the breeze died for just a moment, before spiralling vertically as a strong breeze ripped it upwards, then back to horizontal. The wind was nuts.

As ordered, the twelve young recruits snapped to attention. The instructor descended the small ridge and began walking back and forth before them, inspecting them with menace. My name is Torque Merble, and the instructor here at the Coovale Royal Snapper Academy. You have been selected by your local cadet school because you've shown aptitude beyond the norm. However, he said, turning sharply and wagging a finger at them, what your school considers aptitude is not what I consider aptitude. What you are right now is scrub stains who couldn't hit the broadside of a herd of whooples.

You shoot worse than Berthelian shock surrender troops. This caught the attention of a young man named Bodega, who began daydreaming. I heard of those fellas, he thought. My daddy told them back on our Woople Ranch. Woople Ranch, huh? Ever hit the broadside of once? snapped the instructor. Sir, I didn't say nothing, pleaded Bodega mystified.

Why don't you tell me all about Berflainian Shock Surrender Troops, since you know so much, if you will, Cadet Bodega? Well, sir, uh, stammered Bodega. The way I heard it, Burflanians got a whole mess of folks down on their world, and when it comes to fighting, they just try to overwhelm the enemy with numbers. The number of Burflanians all trying to surrender is what it is, sir. Would you bless us with your critique of this tactic, Cadet? Asked Tork Marble, squinting at the young man before him with mock interest.

I think if them Burflanians just had some sack to them, they might be able to fight instead of acting like a bunch of dildonians about it, sir. Fight, huh? I see, I see, young cadet Bodega here clearly understands warfare. Perhaps you could give us a demonstration of your abilities, young general Bodega, laughed Merble, grabbing Bodega by the collar and encouraging him with great vigor to make friends with the firing position on the ground next to them. Grab that standard-issue Mark I Shrovean sniper weapon, cadet, shouted Merbil, so close to his ear that a tiny glob of spittle shot its way inside. Yes, sir, yes, sir, said Bodega, slowly before calmly pressing the butt of the rifle into his shoulder and supporting it with his arms. Do you see that target at the far end of the range, cadet? asked Merbil, feigning concern.

Sir, I can see it just fine, sir, said Bodega. The wound brought a tear to Bodega's eye, but he ignored it and the tear rolled quickly across his forehead, leaving a cold trail in his skin. Chamber one round of standard-issue Shrovian 10mm sniper heart caliber, if you please, said Merbil. Bodega chambered the round. He looked at the target, which was barely visible at a distance of six kilometers. He began calming his breathing. Smooth breaths, in, out, in, out. Don't panic. Don't snatch at the trigger. Don't let Merble put you off. Think I'm gonna try and put you off, huh? whispered Merble in his ear. I know you think you're hot flour, boy. I've seen thousands of cadets in my time, and they all think the same thing. They think they'll shut me up

by hitting that target, and I'll pin a medal on their chest, and I'll retire on the spot. That's what they all think, Cadet Bodega. But ain't even one of them come close. And with that, Marble stood to his full height and grinned a real scrub-eating grin. Bodega fixed the old man with a hard stare. I'm thinking when I make

this shot, you'll give me a pass and let me skip this stare. I'm thinking when I make this shot, you'll give me a pass and let me skip this class so I never have to see your face again, you florivin chaffle munger. There ain't nothing you could teach me, thought Bodega. Merbil knelt down, his face only inches from Bodega's. It's a deal, said Merbil, his voice almost lost on the wind. Bodega said nothing. He turned back to look down the rifle and its target. There was a reason the sniper school was on Cuvelle. The huge planet revolved at a fantastic rate, with a day-night cycle only three hours long. As a result, it had extremely strong winds, and its Coriolis effect was off the charts. Add to that its stronger than normal gravity, and it was the worst possible conditions for a sniper.

You'd do well to hit a target on Cuvelle, the saying went. It was not a popular saying. Fire when ready, flora face, said Merble. Bodega stared down the scope of the rifle. It was grainy, old. The rifles they were using were ex-military for a reason. They'd seen a lot of use. The barrels were worn, the sights were worn, the triggers were temperamental. It don't matter none to me, old man, Bodega thought.

I learned to shoot with a homemade rifle my daddy gave me anyhow. Using the scope, he looked for signs of which aways the wind was blowing. Over six kilometers, the wind would be traveling every direction imaginable. The bullet he would fire would be struck from all sides by buffeting breezes, pulled downwards by gravity, and suffered crazy deviation from the Coriolis effect. He had to take it all into account when he pulled that trigger. Add to this the target itself. Six kilometers hence, high atop a dull gray post, a small metal plate had been affixed. It was circular, it was pristine, and it was only ten centimeters in diameter. Ain't nobody ever hit the target, condemned Bodega, said Marble, sweating beside him. Hope you got a spare, said Bodega.

Behind him, the class laughed softly. Go ahead, hotshot. Whenever you're ready to show us what a big mouth bleeds to, you just go ahead and yank that trigger, said Bodega. Behind him, the class laughed softly. Go ahead, hotshot. Whenever you're ready to show us what a big mouth bleeds to, you just go ahead and yank that trigger," said Merbil. Bodega took one more look. He sensed the path of the bullet. He visualized it striking the target and knocking it clean off its post. He fell for the trigger, took a deep breath, held it. Firing, said Bodega. He squeezed the trigger. No sooner had the observers felt the faint

concussive shock of the weapon firing than, with a colossal crack, the barrel of the rifle split clean in two, and the entire weapon fell apart in Bodega's hands. Muppet let out a huge whoop of laughter and began laughing so hard his face turned bright red. Her rifle's a nerd, he screamed, before shrieking with laughter again. Seven seconds later, his laughter was cut short by a distant metallic ping. All eyes turned to the target, which fell silently to the ground. Rook's fine, said Bodega, standing and extending his hand to Merbil.

Sir, I believe we had a deal, he said calmly. Merbil, trembling with disbelief, reached out and shook Bodega's hand. You're excused, Cadet Bodega, he mumbled. Bodega turned to his former classmates. Been a pleasure, boys. See you at chow. And with that, he strode back towards the barracks where, with the rest of his squad absent, he would spend his newly found free time

masturbating furiously. The end. Wow. Bravo. What a Bodega. It's nice to have some from the past. A Bod some from the past. A bodega from the past. Remember, he's the best sniper, not only at that sniper school.

Yeah, you've got to elaborate on that point. He didn't just get those skills from nowhere. He didn't get those skills out of a Cracker Jack box. Pity. No. It's weird. I was talking in the story about how windy it was and today it's windy as flav have you seen it out there yeah we're getting like a tail end of a hurricane

yeah dennis or something doris but it's insane it's the same it was fucking super windy here this morning and raining like a motherfucker like it just looked like it was going to be the worst day ever five minutes later it's glorious it's the worst day ever. Five minutes later, it's glorious. It's like fucking sunny. There's no wind. It's crazy. I think that's because you're in the eye

of the storm now. It's directly overhead. We must be right in the, yeah, right in the center of it. Yeah. Oh man. Good place to be.

At least I can actually go out and suntan a bit. All right. Well, listen, we're going to go. Yeah. Thanks for listening

to Trials This Week, everybody. Lewis is sick, so we're stopping. We'll be back next week with some more. I'm fine. I'm going to carry on.

I'm going to carry on going. So see you guys later and I'll fill for the rest of it. No, I'm just joking. Bye. Bye.