Triforce! - Triforce! #37: Crash, Bang, Wallop, What a Podcast

Episode Date: March 8, 2017

Lewis is being inappropriate with Personal Trainers, Pyrion is loving Early Access and Sips is repairing his car. It's the Triforce Podcast! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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All right, P-Flex, you can begin. You want me to do the intro? Hey, what's up, everybody? Welcome back to the TriForce Podcast. Guess what? This week's going to be three hours long because last week was only 40 minutes. Sips, Lewis gave me permission to do the intro and then you just step in and do the intro. Go do it. Okay, you ready? I've been working on this one. Hello and welcome back to the TriForce

Podcast with me, Sips and Ted. Hey, what's up? Can I just, just please? I've been working on this one all week. Alright, go. Go for it. No go for it Hey Thank you I'm feeling better this week feeling feeling good. You sound good. You sound better. You guys both sound better.

100%. Guess who never got sick the whole fucking time? You? That's right. This dad right here. I wonder why. This one. Is it because you live alone in a garage and never go out?

Pretty much, yeah. I had to go out yesterday and it made me miserable. I was fucking really angry about it. Who's the bubble boy now? Me. That's me. See? Self-imposed.

The shoe is on the other foot. The glove is on the other hand. The glove is on the other hand the gloves are on the other butt you know it's like it's switched the odds have switched soon i'll be the one having all the fun and all the babes yeah you're gonna get out there you're gonna get out there and get all wet with the babes aren't you while i'm in here staying all dry in my garage covering wet babes babes do you know how many how many uh favorite kind of babe the wetter the better you know how many women message me on twitter to say what is lewis's tinder profile oh one one one women's it was one women what's it say uh it says oh shit what's that thing you made me put in it last week i can't remember i was ill i can't

remember what we talked about. No, neither can I. I feel like something about pedophiles not being cool or something. Pedophiles are not cool. I'm not sure that's what was in my Tinder profile, but sure. No, we're going to go with that. So welcome back, everybody. So this morning I went to the GYM, the G-Y-M.

How was it? I had, did I tell you about this? Are you yapping it up like hard or what well listen hannah and shin and a bunch of people in the office go to the gym and trot and ke and everyone's going to gym all the time and humes has been doing it as well he's had like he's been doing it for a couple of months and he's looking it's looking better so everyone who's done it does look better and so i thought being 33 years old it was about time for me to to go to a gym right see if i can get into some form of shape so i'm not such a weedly um puss puss little little tiny p55y anymore i went and i signed up uh got a personal trainer and i went for a meeting with him okay and uh i wouldn't want a dude i'm just gonna say

i wouldn't want to do no man a dude it was would not be for me either. I would want a really in shape lady. She'd have to be a rich and hot female for me. With big muscles. No. Not big. I mean, I don't want her to swole, but, you know. Beautiful breasts that I could just get lost in every time I go for a personal training session. And a big old ass.

Right. So, hang on. You just want to watch a big old ass jiggle around and not really do anything. Basically, my personal twerker is what I want. I want J-Lo to turn up and just twerk me into oblivion for half an hour. Just for a current hot woman reference, J-Lo. Sorry. We almost let that one go over our heads, Sips, because we both agreed with it.

I know. Actually, that works for us like that is a reference we're old enough that that's just a normal reference and nobody else's booty mattered it was just j-loads but now i guess there's been some replacements but there's booties everywhere whatever yeah god bless the future the classic the first thing you know he was so we were like chatting away blah blah blah like just trying to trying to like feel each other out like you know how much exercise you do and asking me all these questions. And I was like, well, not very much.

I walk into the office, I'm back, and I eat fairly healthily, and I practice a bit of yoga sometimes. And he's like, okay, good, good, good. And so then he says, so what are you trying to achieve? I want to lift the moon. Tinder dominance. Tinder dominance. And I was like, well, I've got this big, big fat new girlfriend and i want to be able to lift

her up and throw her around right and he just looked at me deadly seriously like like okay and i was like well no that was okay fine whatever and so he was like do you want to do some training today and this was this was last week um and i still had like a sore throat so i was like oh no i've got a sore throat i've been sucking loads of dicks this week and again you did not fucking say that to him he was, I didn't say that. And he just looked at me. He didn't want to say anything. He was like, I was determined to make him crack a smile or something.

But he didn't. That's not humor that translates well outside of your office filled with man children. Like, that's, you know what I mean? Like, you can't. I was testing him and it wouldn't there's a thing here there's a thing here i i purposely go out of my way he genuinely now believes that i have a big fat girlfriend and i love sucking okay i go out of my way not to go out but the thing is when i do go out i'm fully functional it's fine i don't make

dick jokes to the wrong people nothing like that i'm fine if i get out there i don't want to go out there you on the other hand have to force your fucking self to go out there and then when you do go out there all you do is start making fucking dick jokes to the wrong people what the fuck is your problem so so today right today um he made me go on this cycle machine which was like like you know like really tough like interval training I only did it for like three minutes because basically

the only session I've done is the first one which was today and it was basically just like you know are you a noodle arm? Yes. Okay.

You can't like lift this. You can't do this. We're going to have to work on this this this blah blah blah. So I'm like okay okay and so he puts me on this bike and I did some training and I was like

I was absolutely dead. Okay. i walked in today like a baby deer just like staggered into the office like feeling like oh my god i'm dead i had to like lie down that's why i'm late to the recording so i just had to i got home i was like oh my god i'm just i'm dead and so he at the end of the practice he said to me like you know when was the last time you got a workout like that and i was like when i banged your mom last night oh you that okay i know that you're lying now there's no it was like as soon as i said it i realized that there's no fucking way you did he was i genuinely genuinely said there's no way that you're that socially retarded it's impossible i thought he would be fine with it

Like cracking a smile What made you think that? I mean Me and Flex aren't even laughing at those Was it because the first couple of jokes went so well And his stony face You thought I must break him With constant jokes about dicks and his mum

And eventually he'll go You know what? I can't keep it professional anymore There's no fucking way either that either that or you're the you're the guy i read about you're the guy i read about that has like early onset dementia and is having like a weird fucking time of it and you're you're gonna die in like a year man i give no i don't give a fuck i don't care i i'm gonna not change i'm gonna carry on trolling the fuck out of this guy until he snaps. Dude, that's not trolling, though.

That's just being a cunt. What's the difference, Sips? Like, it's the same for me. I think it's hilarious. I think some people are endearing with it. And other people, unfortunately, are just cunts when they do it. Well, Sips, I don't give a fuck. I'm loving being a cunt right now.

So more power to you, man now you know what this is about if i was a psychologist and i fancy myself as a qualified psychologist with no training okay i have a i have phd in pain phd flax okay i'm ready ph flax is here highest ph around i'm completely alkali anyway i was uh 14 14 that's how the iq of a 14 year old 14 year old so here's what i think that this guy has intimidated you lewis because he's buff and swole and now he's he is he's right he's in control he's like rugby boy he's got like tattoos you're jealous are you are you actually jealous of him he's lashing out like an, he's got like tattoos Are you jealous? Are you actually jealous of him? He's lashing out like an infant He's like, oh yeah, well

I'm going to make inappropriate jokes So you're not going to laugh at it That's what this is, infantile No, no, no He's a very nice gentleman But maybe I do feel a bit threatened Maybe I'm feeling a bit old A bit past

Maybe he's got this little Kind of eye on me that i i'm not gonna be able to like you know because i'm like an old man you did the classic didn't you you're or you're or you're you're gearing up to do the classic aren't you what your jealousy and and and your envy is gonna be so severe with this guy because he's buff he's got tattoos and stuff and he's he works out a lot and everything no no what you're gonna do is one day you're gonna turn up and this is gonna be all planned way ahead of time and you're gonna be he's gonna be like all right hot shot hop up on that bike and you'll be like yeah okay fine you hop up on the bike and then like a piece of paper falls out of your pocket and it opens up on the ground you're like oh shit i dropped something let me just pick that up and he gets a look at it

and it's a printout of your youtube channel and the views that you got for the month previous and then you look at him and you're like how do you like them apples and he looks at you and he's like your mama and then that's it it goes full circle and then you kiss he becomes he becomes the child who's lashing out and you're you've taken the upper hand okay yeah sometimes i meet people okay i don't know if you ever do this and you can kind of quickly tell that they're a fan okay of what of me of the right of of of like sometimes it's mostly at somewhere like insomnia okay like somewhere an event where people go to seek you out because you're on the bill as a ticket seller okay maybe not insomnia maybe like a gaming event right maybe like a new game coming out or something like that maybe where

i'm not necessarily like a big deal but but you know i talked to someone and you can just see it in their eyes they like they know the way they look at you. They're like, oh, this guy. I know that I obviously, you know, I used to listen to the Yoggpod back in the day. I used to play WoW. When I was 10 years old and I liked Minecraft. Now that I'm 25, it's not the case so much. This is the thing about Tinder, right?

I feel like some of the people that I've chatted to on Tinder might actually know who I am. Not many. But how old are these people, though? And are they lying about their age? Well, the thing is, we did a poll lately that actually shows that our audience is a lot older than you might think. Because someone posted on subreddit, didn't they? That I'm 24 and I'm too old for the Yogscast or whatever. And it was a massive thread because it was like, oh, I'm a 45-year-old mom and I listen to it.

And I'm like a six-year-old managing director. I listen to it. It was like much more mature folks than we realize, especially this podcast. I think this podcast has a much higher age audience than you guys think. Did you send a copy of those stats to Duncan? Because dude is spamming out Minecraft like there's no tomorrow. Like it's 2011 right now. Well, we were actually getting a kick out of that in Minecraft.

Me and Shin have played a bit of a Minecraft modpack as well lately. We don't choose to play it because it's popular, or because it's not actually Minecraft. We choose to play it because it's actually like the mod packs and stuff are actually fun. I mean, you guys have been playing it for a long time. So it would be a bit like if Dota stopped being popular, I'd still play the shit out of Dota. Like I've been playing it a lot lately. So it's not like the popularity.

I mean, a lot of the games we play, I play fucking colonization and like weird shit. Colonization is a classic though. That's a great game, man. I love that game. I used to play that for hours and hours and hours. When I was at university is when that came out, pretty much. Wait, no, it didn't.

The first Colonization came out, like, was it 97? It had to have been earlier than that. Yeah. Well, Pflax. I was at university then. Pflax had got his PhD in psychology back then. It came out in 1994, so it was out. But I was at University in 1995.

Yeah, that sounds about right. Sounds about when I was playing as well. So it was re-released in 1995. And I didn't have a computer until then. I had got a computer at university for work and stuff. And obviously I just played football manager and or championship manager it was back then. I remember playing colonization when

I was like pretty young, but like maybe I'm mis misremembering but i remember being like 12 or something when it when it came out anyway like it's it's not a great game to be fair what are you talking about bitch well i wouldn't be playing if it wasn't a great game but i mean it's i've i've we're up to like 20 episodes out so far on the channel and i'm it's like it's getting very micromanaged heavy very it's showing its age is what i'm saying like you know there's been so much innovation yeah there's no there's hard to automate stuff isn't it some games don't sort of age well but i mean the whole pixel graphics are back in vogue definitely it feels like it's a beautiful game the music is so good too the um like the like the good old like colonial canadian music where were

you where were you guys all my life? Honestly, I love you so much, you guys. You're just saying everything that's in my brain. I want to hug you. I want to hug you right now. So it was Duncan's birthday yesterday. Happy birthday, Duncan. How old was he?

He was 30, the big show. He sort of kept it quite quiet. And the way I found out was on Reddit. Someone posted, happy birthday, Duncan. And I was like, oh, shit. Is it actually his birthday? So I texted him. he sort of kept it quite quiet and the way i found out was on reddit someone posted oh right happy birthday and i was like oh shit is it actually his birthday so i i texted him i was like is it actually your birthday and he's like yeah and i was like oh i'll get you i'll get you something so i got him like a little present and i got him a card you should have gotten my gym membership for the one that you're going to he's already got a gym membership he's been doing yeah he goes a

couple of weeks a couple times a week trying to get himself a little bit. Get trim. You have to when you're over 30. Welcome to the post-30 club. Or, well, you two are getting towards the next tier. You've upgraded. Well, I'd say the period's already at the next tier, being 40 and all. Yeah, so I bought him a nice card. I spent a little bit of time writing a nice message.

Right. Just a little heartfelt bit of love. Yeah, what did you put in there? Roses are red, violets are blue. I love you, Duncan. Please eat my ass. Eat my ass. Or I will slap you.

And eat my poo. Eat my ass. That's what I put in all my Valentine's messages. That's good. No, so it's like, it was a nice message. And then I realized it was so nice that I had to end it with Lewis in brackets, not gay I had to write that

Just in case there was any question I felt like it was coming across a bit gay so I needed to just add not gay at the end to make sure that there was no confusion over the issue because otherwise I'm such an attractive virile 33 year old

getting into shape he's getting going now i can add he's getting tight and trim now at the gym and he's i really don't want to go back actually partly because i don't think this relationship's gonna work out no no i think i feel like maybe i need a lot of money that you've ruined this i feel like your icebreakers maybe need some work yeah i was like can we do some upper body stuff and he was like no we're just gonna do squats i was like oh okay so we did a lot of squats so maybe he's punishing me i don't know yeah maybe yeah it sounds like he might be actually squats is usually not something that they make you do too many of unless they have some burning hatred for you deep down inside yeah so maybe that is it so what you guys been up to this week anything happening happening with the with boring dad life

my kid my kids were any kids related school events like parties yeah today actually they've got it's world book day as sips reminded me yes when we started which is great which is yeah that's right all the kids basically bring a book into school that we bloody forgot so i have to take one in later they bring a book into school and donate it to the school to build the library up and just as a way of sort of sharing books and stuff and they can wear uh something from a movie like a character of a movie they dress up as a character just like it's meant to be from a book right from a sorry from a book yeah i just thought harry potter and i thought movies because I just recently saw the movies.

No, yeah, no, Harry Potter is fine. They were fairly famously books, weren't they? The Harry Potter books. Anyway. Yeah, absolutely. So for my daughter's school, they didn't go, it wasn't about dressing up as characters from books. It was about wearing your pajamas because it's like bedtime stories.

So they all went into school in their pajamas, all the kids this morning. Oh, nice. And I said to my wife, she's going to freeze. She's going to freeze. It's like, it's bloody cold out. She's like, it's all right. I'm going to stick like long socks on her and a vest and everything. So they're just wearing pajamas all day in school, which I think is hilarious.

Yeah, that's pretty good. We used to do that at school sometimes. I wish I could just wear pajamas in the office. I'm wearing pajamas right now, motherfucker. Who are you? No way. What kind of pajamas have you got? Have you got like the ones where the crotch just hangs open like a proper dad old oh fuck i just i sleep in my boxers i'm just wearing track pants and a t-shirt in your

boxers i just imagined that being a thing it's got a button like every pair of boxers has but yeah but they're old and the buttons popped off. No, man. My boxers aren't old. I got a strict policy. Socks and boxers, I replace them like on the regular. Six months. I don't let the elastics go nothing. I get new ones.

I'm like the John Travolta of the Uggs cast. I fucking change up my clothes all the damn time. You know, John Travolta wears like armani shirts on on on set and he changes every hour and he just throws it in the garbage no he doesn't he does the guy on the plane okay he does i i read him i read about it in what he's on set he wears only armani shirts on set and every hour he changes and he throws it out why it's true because he's john travolta yeah but that's a complete that's ridiculous he's john travolta it doesn't matter i would look at myself and think this is ridiculous he doesn't look he's a scientologist he doesn't care very sweaty

he gets very sweaty very quickly so it's just cheaper i guess i reckon yeah i think he's a really sweaty guy it's a hygiene it's a hygiene thing. I've seen Battlefield Earth, which is one of the best bad movies ever made. It's total garbage. It is so amazing. I could watch that movie every day and enjoy it. Was he sweating a lot in it? He plays one of the aliens. It's the Scientology movie.

You know that. Yes, I was obsessed with Scientology for a while. It's so fascinating. It's absolutely fascinating. Are you a Scientologist? Would you be a joiner? Would you join the Scientologist movement? No.

No. Why? It's laughable. What do you mean why? But it's like science religion. It's like a science religion. It's religion for scientists. It's cool.

Is it really? No. No, exactly. And that's the point. I think it's hilarious. And I used to read an awful lot about it. Do you remember? Something awful was really big on Scientology back in the day,

because it was new, wasn't it? And it was like a big thing. And they would like to bait the Scientologists and stuff like that. But to me, it's absolutely fascinating that it's stuck around. I kind of thought it would peter out by now. But it goes to show what Americans with money and a lot of lawyers are capable of. They're capable of an awful lot. So well done.

Well done, America. Well done. You created Scientology, and it's sticking around. lawyers are capable of they're capable of an awful lot so well done well done america well done you created and it's sticking around america and you managed to make the movie so bad damn i love it i love the boy the bit where he shoots the cow's legs off with his gun is just magical his weird accent that he puts on a man animal giving orders to a cyclo that'll be the day oh my god that fucking reminds me i played black wake um yesterday with shin i hadn't tried it yet and the and the voice emotes when you're navy in that game are fucking incredible like it looks fun is it good you have to check it out it's really cool it's

clunky as shit but yeah it's pretty fun i like clunky clunky but fun if you if if you want it if you've if you've always dreamed of serving as a crew member on a ship. I love that era. That's good. Yeah, like you literally have to put the gunpowder in the cannon. Then you have to put like the cannonball in the cannon. Then you have to use the ramrod on the cannon. Then you've got to push the cannon like into position.

And then you've got to light it and fire it and stuff. Like there's lots of little things. It's's it's cool it's pretty fun it's awesome it's clunky though like it's pretty early alpha i honestly don't mind um if it's early early alpha like i mean most of the games i play now are early alpha like we were talking about oxygen not included this is it's pretty it's really well this is because every game now is is early access i think the ones that are doing something interesting and i know i know people have a problem with the whole early access thing and i definitely have an issue with games that stay in early access for five years which is ridiculous but i i get it like they want to try something a bit out there there's too much of a gamble to just make this game complete it and

release it it's a huge i mean nowadays games so complicated, and people expect so much, just like Lewis was saying, with colonization, the simplicity of that game, compared to... If that game came out now, people would say, it's fun, but it's really simplistic. It's got a lot of nostalgia for me. So when you have a game like, for instance, Oxygen Not Occluded, which is quite a complicated game already, there's quite a lot to think about, and you've a game like, for instance, Oxygen Not Occluded, which is quite a complicated game already. There's quite a lot to think about, and you've got to worry about gas pressure and temperature and all this kind of stuff.

And as you play the game, you start to realize there's actually quite a bit of depth, and you start planning ahead and thinking, okay, how am I going to get that slime from there to here? I haven't got the space to have a special room for this. I've now come across so many awful things that have happened to my colonies that I start to my colonies that i still yeah you do but it's good but it is like in its its current its current iteration or whatever it's it is limited like yeah like you you'll still get like about 20 30 hours out of it easy and enjoy it but you will get to a point where you realize hang on a second no matter what

i do this map the the way that they've designed the map for this phase of the alpha or early access or whatever means that it's super limited like you're not going to be able to push further you know you keep you like some people have dug all the way down to magma or whatever okay and you can there are ways of recreating water once you've run out with steam and stuff. But it's like, I don't think it's intended by the devs for you to be able to do that as like a long term thing. People have just done it because they want to just push the alpha or the early access as far as they can. But there's definitely things where you can tell that the devs have just said, okay, yeah, we're going to make them run out of this so that they just can't keep playing or whatever.

I guess the general feeling with early access, I feel like it's like an unsatisfying sandwich. One quarter of a slice of bread, a bit of mayo, and like a smell of bacon. When it's come back in like two years and we'll add some lettuce, mayo, tomato, actual bacon, and put the other bit of bread on. But until then,

you know, all you're going to get is like this half-arsed thing. And do you know what? Actually, everyone seems to really like the one slice of bread, bit of mayo,

smell of bacon so much that, do you know what? We don't want to fuck it up. We don't want to add the other bread slice and bacon and the lettuce and tomato. Do you know what? We'll just leave it as it is.

It's made enough money. Fuck it. That's early access in a nutshell. You never get the whole fucking sandwich. I think that's the worst of early access. That's the worst of early access. That exists. I don't think that encompasses all early access.

I mean, let me give you, I'm going to just run through my library. Okay, and I'm going to look at the games that were early access. I agree. I agree what you're saying about novel things, but it is like a taster. It feels like you're going to a tasting thing

and you get a little taste of what's, and it's nice. Don't get me wrong wrong it's like novel and it's okay and maybe that's what all we need from games now i don't know yeah it's fine it's good brothers for example is a game that was early access i mean i've really i really enjoy that game that's really good and that's going to go into battle brothers yeah yeah it's a it's a little tile based sort of hex based um you sort of you have a little mercenary band and you stroll around having fights

the fights are quite brutal and quite vicious and it's quite a sort of tactical game and you've got to you know move your guys right and you've got to manage your weaponry

and stuff like that and they get levels and skills that's a fun little game I'm buying it it's great it's really fun it's very hard

but it's great Death Road to Canada have you played that? oh yeah I've played that that's a lot of fun that's a fun little game and very hard, but it's great. Death Road to Canada. Have you played that? Oh, yeah, I've played that. That's a lot of fun. That's a fun little game. And that was early access, I think. Faster Than Light.

I'm pretty sure I got the early access version of that. FTL has done so well. And that's a classic game. Well, I don't think that counts. It's a classic game. It's a classic game. Oxygen not included in early access. I think it's really good.

My kids love it. My kids love it. I think Oxygen included is good early access, I think it's really good. My kids love it. My kids love it. I think Oxygen included is good for what it is now, and it'll get better. I hope it will. They'll definitely add some better stuff to it. Lest we forget, RimWorld, there's an example for your ass. All right? That's a game.

It's a very small dev team, and the guy's able to do it, and people love it. And he's very interactive with the community and stuff and i really like that now i think if he'd gone away and finished this game over the course of like multiple years or whatever first of all it never would have got made because it's too much of a commitment to do that and also if you've got to keep plugging away with something and you don't know how it's going to be received and then you put it out and everyone's like i don't like it then you're like i wasted four years of my life i think that's where early access works well like like subnautica is like that too if you've ever played that it came out it was pretty limited but they've got a roadmap they've got regular dev updates and stuff yeah it's going to be early access for a long time still but it's it's updated regularly and the updates that they're

putting in are good you know they get feedback from the community they listen to the community they put stuff in you know you know what i mean it's like yeah i think i think when early access is at its best you're investing in the game that you want absolutely you potentially have a say in how that game is going to be through feedback and stuff like that when you see the developer say you know what you're right yeah it will change it that's perfect or you see the next patch features things that people suggested i mean a responsive dev team is people's wet dream when it comes to games. Because in the olden days, there was no fucking response to the dev team. If the game sold, that was it.

You could complain until you blew in the face and nobody gave a shit. It's like, nope, this is the decision we've made. That's it. Yeah. It's interesting. I think we've done both sides of the argument pretty nicely, actually. I think it definitely Yeah. Yeah. It's, it's, it's interesting, but I think we've done, I think we've done both sides of that argument pretty nicely. Actually. I think it's,

it definitely has its flaws, but when it works, it works pretty well. Yeah. I'm always going to play devil's advocate though. Oh no, it's your job. I mean,

I buy all the early access games I play. I get a lot of kicks out of a lot of them as well. So like, I'm, I'm not, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm on the fence. Yeah. I can see both sides. Definitely. There is that one side and there's the other extreme side. Daisy! Hey, listen, another thing that I did recently that leads on to something else that I wanted to talk to you guys about.

I hope you don't mind. No. I had to take my car in to the mechanics again recently. I had to take my bike in and get the change. Hold on. This is a car, Lewis. Go on. This is a family car. This is a car lewis go on all right this is a family car this is a window wipers stopped working in the middle of the rain okay i'm driving

home and then like all of a sudden the wipers are just stuck like oh shit so i take it in i'm like yeah the wipers like aren't working for whatever reason so they take a look and they're like oh yeah you know wear and tear this like little hinge thing broke or whatever. I have to order a new one from France. It's a Renault. And, you know, it'll be down in a few days and then we can fit it. And I was like, okay. They're like, yeah, it's going to be like 250 bucks though. It's like, oh, okay, fine.

You know, whatever. Like, can I, can I have a service on it at the same time sort of thing? Like two birds with one stone. Yeah. Okay. Sure. So they, so the thing comes in, they do the the work they do the service and stuff and they're like you need some new brake pads uh because yours are like they're running out of juice or whatever so

okay fuck fine so all this stuff all this stuff had to happen the car the car is fine now by the way in case you're wondering uh it's it's running like a dream but that's it now i'm not having anything else done to this car okay because it's like a it's like a 17 year old car it's a it's an okay car like i like i'm not too attached to it or whatever but man i'm not paying any more money to keep this car on the road is this the dad van yeah yeah that you drive me around it's just yeah it had like two babies worth of puke like around it poop everywhere and there's just like garbage know, it had like two baby's worth of puke, like splashed around it for years. Poop everywhere. And there's just like garbage all over it. Yeah.

So, so I was like, when I, so when I took it in for a service, I was in the showroom. Oh, fuck me. What's happened in here? Oh, shit. No. You were in the showroom. Okay. There's just like, there's like a finger on the floor.

A chocolate finger. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. Delicious. So I'm in, so I'm in the showroom and I'm just looking around and like, I've never bought a new car before in my life.

Like, I remember my parents bought one when I was young and we had to like go to all these fucking dealerships and look around and stuff. It's pretty boring. So I just like looking around. Do you feel like you're in some sort of glamorous Hollywood movie as like a kid, like he's just won the lottery and he's like looking at Porsche's except for it's you in a dad van. No, no. It's like looking at fucking like the reno budget line like

the dacias they're like brand new for like seven grand i was looking at those and they're like they're okay and i'm just looking around thinking like okay get a second hand when the time comes you know like what what am i gonna get like i'll start looking around and stuff and then in the corner all by itself with like fucking cobwebs on it, nobody wants to even go to that corner of the store. There's a fully fucking electric car. And I'm sitting here thinking, holy shit, this like, there's, it's powered by electricity. Like I wouldn't need to go to the gas station ever again, nothing. And so I'm looking at this car and I'm thinking like, okay, you know what's what's what's

the what what are the drawbacks to this because it's not the norm right like where am i going to fucking charge it up when it needs to be charged up you know how how far can i go without charging it up again and stuff so i look at this car i'm looking into it and i i got home and i went on the internet it reminds you're in jersey so the fact is you're never going to be driving to Scotland, are you? But listen to this, okay? You can get a thing. Okay, you can just plug it into like a normal plug at home. You can just charge up your fucking car at home.

Yeah. Like overnight, okay? Yeah. So you can just get, you can get it on like its own circuit if you want as well. And so like I can put a thing out in the driveway where i can just plug the car in yeah charge it up overnight and while you're driving the kinetic energy from braking charges up the battery as well it's fucking crazy and it's got like a 250 mile range so like you like you can't you can't go like further than that like that's like 25 laps of the island isn't it exactly so i'm fucking thinking like holy shit

man i'm gonna get an electric car like i'm gonna be fucking like the first person i know to go fully electric i never have to go to a shitty gas station again i'm just gonna charge up my car at home overnight like i've charged my phone and you're vibrating butt plug it's not gonna make any fucking noise i'm gonna hit everybody all those old grannies who are waiting for like some loud ass engine nope old stealthy Magoo here

is gonna fucking run you over if you're not careful yeah hell yeah you know what if you're gonna get a brand new car let me just tell you

you can get a Mercedes-Benz 3.5 litre convertible right it's only got 50,000 on the clock it's an L of a runner

it's a beautiful car full mods inside out never forget about it what's happened it's a beautiful beautiful motor right stunning condition yours five grand you're like frank butcher from eastenders just trying to fucking i love it i love i love you trying to shift it pfax is it a good runner i mean i don't know if i'm not you know it it. I'm not, you know, I'm not pushing you. I'm just saying, this is a beautiful motor.

How many miles have you done? It only came in last week. 55, mate. It's an automatic 3.5 Petro engine, 2006 convertible, brand new to us, What's the service history? Full service history.

How many previous owners? Three owners. Three careful lady owners. Right, right. Beautiful. Heated seats, climate controls, cruise control,

electric driver's seat, electric passenger seat, full memory in the seats, in-car entertainment, radio CD. It's got full airbags and all that for the kids and all that, you know. I heard the word electric a lot. Does it also have an electric engine? No, it's full petrol, mate. You want that electrical nonsense, you fuck off back to Brussels.

It's not diesel, is it? Not diesel. No, mate, fuck diesel. Fucking no. Hey, what's going on with diesel now? Everybody's saying, like, it's bad and it's being banned not diesel is it not diesel hey what's going on with diesel now everybody's saying like it's bad and it's being banned like emissions yeah because originally it was like meant to go back and forth it was meant to be is it because it's it's cheaper well apparently it's not much cheaper anymore they've well it wasn't it used to be a lot cheaper and so when they

made some diesel cars they made them a lot more efficient and so they were it was it was a thing for a few years wasn't it that diesel was the way but now man i'm always ultra cynical about like the automotive industry and like the shit that happens because fuck me like like the fucking i remember being a kid and going to like this like science fair whatever and they were talking about electric engines like back then and like like hydrogen engines or something and all this equate electric engines with the future i think i think you you you basically think it's gonna have a testicle on top of it and make your hair go up oh man but like you're excited about it it's great it's been around for so long and they've done everything they can to prevent it from from coming about because they just want to fucking sell gas like all the time and it's crazy it's just nuts it really it's really nuts i remember i literally remember being like a 10

year old kid and seeing this this technology and they were talking about it and they're saying like just think in the future we're never never going to burn fossil fuels again. We're going to be driving electric cars and stuff. This is like fucking 20 years ago. Like still we're not there. What the fuck is going on? So I'm going to buy an electric car. Is this the Renault Zoe that you're looking at?

Yes. Yeah, that's the exact one. Because obviously you're basically in France, aren't you? It's like top of the fucking range. It's like the Rolls Royce of electric cars right now yeah the thing about jersey that i like is that because it's so close to france it feels like sometimes the people like they've got the whoever's in charge the the council of elders of jersey have got together and be like the grand wizard ah well does england want to sell us out their cars or just france

and then like france come over and like, hey, hello, we got some Renault. Oh, yes, yes. Welcome. Renault. And you're like, oh, you want to buy electric? It's fully electric. Up to 250 miles. You should get it since.

Like, if you don't need the mileage, then why the hell not? I'm going to fucking, I'm fully fucking going to get it. Have you seen where it plugs in? Yes. It plugs into the front. Like, the Renault sign, like, swings back and it looks like it comes out of its nose. It's fucking great, man. It's just like, you know, when your phone is running out of juice and you're like, I'm just going to charge it up overnight.

How much electricity is left in the car, honey just gonna charge it up overnight how much electricity is left in the in the car honey yeah just charge it up overnight all right plug it in done i just think that's fucking awesome yeah yeah we will we will just think it's really exciting like as we we've looked around we were looking at buildings and a lot of the builds not a lot but quite a few of the buildings we looked at i noticed had had like a couple of hybrid or charge points like outside. So, you know, obviously people used electric cars to drive in to work or whatever. At some point, yeah. Had their point or two, you know, it was like, yeah, it's cool.

Yeah, I think it's pretty cool. Go for it, Sips. There's charge points in some of like the parking lots and stuff, but you'd never be over here it's such a small island you'd never be so far from home that you couldn't just get home and just fucking have a cheeky little lunchtime charge or something like that you know you know the way you have those special batteries for your phone yeah you can whack in and get an extra few hours charge out there'll be like a little briefcase yeah a little briefcase that

you can just you pop it in the car and it keeps the charge rated you plug it and it'll get you like 20 miles or something like that man just fucking push it if you run out of juice just push your car to like a hill and then just fucking break your way down it and give yourself not the case for any car charged to get some no because the battery yeah you just break you break on your way down and you'll charge up the battery it's not like a dynamo that powers your lights on a bicycle all right einstein okay look i was just getting excited i was just you know i'm filling up the column of pros and that could potentially be a fun pro now we know what sips's dream car is right that's your dream car what's your dream car p flex is it like a lovely new

mercedes-benz or like maybe a big lexus or like maybe like a roll i'm not into like the mercedes and stuff like that i've always liked audis i really like the way they look but my my favorite car i had was a saab 93 which was uh a beautiful car it wasn't a 93 it's just called a saab 93 it might have been 93 but i bought it for it secondhand for like £2,000. This thing was so fast. I loved this car. I absolutely loved it. It was beautiful.

Air conditioning. At the time, it was like CD changer and all the rest of it. And I've never had a car since. Like, the thing with Saabs is that I find a lot of cars, like when I get a hire car when we go on holiday, the windows are all so teeny tiny. Like, I feel like i'm in a little tiny box with no every time i rent a car it's a nissan every fucking time like what's the deal

with nissan like is it just like the i don't get it it's like the rental car's wet dream to just have a full fleet of nissans or something like cheap they're okay but fuck me like give me give me something this was like um a bmw uh i'd like we've hired like mercedes and stuff because a lot of the rental places if you're getting a four-door car or five-door with the boot and everything you know you get those one of those bigger ones they'll upsell you to a mercedes or a bmw like yeah right you know it's a weird holiday way so we've got like these nice cars and the thing is the windows on them are fucking tiny they really are the rear window is like a letterbox and the front windscreen is like smaller

the Saab had a huge windscreen front and back and you've got had so much more vision I like to see around the car so ideally my dream car would be a bubble car like just a dome on top of a very flat car so I have total vision like one of those things in Jurassic Park the sphere the glass sphere and I'm on a raised chair

with the driving on a really high column like a really long steering column with the steering wheel on top and I have total vision

it's controlled by the South Park dildo up the ass thing I've seen that episode yeah yeah yeah it's controlled by that so what was your car history then P-Flex what did you start with dildo up the ass thing i've seen that episode yeah yeah it's controlled by that so um what so

what was your car history then p flex what did you start with my first car what did you learn in my well i learned in like a kia pride this was back in plymouth which was a 0.6 liter engine it's like a lawnmower kind it literally was and going up the the hill plymouth is very hilly and doing hill starts and that was very good practice because you had to floor it in first just to get up the hills sometimes because this engine was so weak and my driving instructor was quite a big lad which didn't help so we drove around Plymouth in this thing and it was a nightmare and he was a decent instructor but it took a lot of lessons because he was never happy, he was never, never happy

with pretty much anything I did and at one point this guy cut me up and because I braked, my driving instructor was very angry with me. I was like, what are you angry with me for? The guy cut me up. He goes, oh, they're always going to do that. You're a learner. I was like, all right, cheers for being on my side, dude. Jesus. So then I didn't pass in Plymouth because I stopped taking the lessons because I didn't, I didn't like the guy. And I realized what's the point? Like, I'm not going to, I can't afford a car. I'm broke as fuck. So when I got back to Bournemouth, my dad was like um he sent me some money from the states was like you gotta learn to drive you know you're a man so i was like all right so i took some lessons disappointed in your son because my wife you know she could drive and and i couldn't so she was like you know we can't afford a car

anyway she was wearing the boots she was she was the boot wearer so i was like right fucking i'm gonna learn to drive so i met this, he was a real geezer. All we did on the drive, he was a young guy, all he did was slag off his ex-wife. I'm not kidding. Oh,

I thought you were going to say who he did was donuts. Oh, that'd be great. That'd be amazing. Donut training. Right, pulling in his car park.

What are we going to do? We're going to do some donuts again. Donuts, mate! Woo! That'd be incredible. Right, that's your hour up. We've done an hour of donuts again today. Lucky donuts, mate! Woo! That'd be incredible. Right, that's your hour up. We've got an hour of donuts.

See you next week. You're really getting there with the donuts. Getting that burnout as well. Getting there. I tell you what, once you can do a donut, you can do all the other stuff. Don't worry about it. But he was good, and I passed,

and then we obviously couldn't afford a car, moved up to London, didn't need a car, and then from her 30th birthday, Mrs. F said, we should get a car. I was like, yeah, let's do it. So she said, I'm going to buy you a car, moved up to London, didn't need a car. And then from her 30th birthday, Mrs. F said, we should get a car. I was like, yeah, let's do it. So she said, I'm going to buy you a car for your birthday. I'm going to give you 200 quid, and you go and find a car, and I'll pay 200 quid for it.

I was like, all right, sweet. Because, you know, we were pretty broke back then. So 200 quid, and I found a car in Kew, just down the road from where we are, really. And it was a 1986 Volkswagen Golf. Nice. That had been, oddly enough, owned by a woman that lived on Jersey, Sips. Wow. And she had sold it to this guy for like 50 quid,

and he'd driven it back to London to sell it for 200 quid. I was like, all right, whatever. So I went to see it. It had quite a bit of mold on it. It had like hardly any miles on it. Well, Jersey. Yeah. He on it. Well, Jersey. Yeah. He said it's honestly, Jersey's very small.

It's like this old lady that had the car. She hardly drove it, hence the mold. But it's a... Do you know her name? The engine's fine. I don't, but I bet he probably... She's probably my mum. But it was apparently lived in her shed,

like in Jersey for a long time. Do you remember that car, that car tips? Oh, the shed? Oh, shed car shed car yeah of course you see the moldy Volkswagen it was maroon yeah god yeah man we talk about it often actually it's like the place isn't the same without it no it was honestly I'm sorry it was a historic piece of jersey and I bought it for 200 so when I went to pick it up because I'd never bought a car before or owned a car so I didn't really know what I was looking for and he was like watching me look around the car i'm just doing that sort of peeking at things and kicking the

tire and knocking the bonnet like i know what i'm doing this seems fine he was like right now a few things the uh all the internal stuff don't work no the brakes are fine unfortunately like the the ac and all that kind of stuff the def defogging, all that doesn't work. One of the windscreen wipers doesn't really work, but it's fine. I was like, okay. An old lady died in this car. It's haunted. The dead body is in the back seat.

You can't touch it. Part of the vehicle. Literally, it's been molded into the... It's rotted into the seat. It's listed. So it wouldn't start when I went to buy it. It would not start. And he had to get another battery and jumpstart the car.

And then I had to drive it home. And he was like, just drive it around a bit and you'll charge the battery up. I was like, okay. So off I went. And that was my car. We had it for a couple of years. It was an automatic. It was beautiful.

It was a great little car. We went all over the place in it. I feel like it was like a sort of a rescue car yeah it was you saved it from a like a grey house it tried to kill me

it did try to kill me well we were coming I was coming home all good rescue pets trying to kill you at some point it turned on me we were coming around

this roundabout it was heavy traffic rush hour traffic and I'm in this piece of shit old car and it just died it just stopped in the middle of the roundabout

really busy roundabout and this is like a dual carriageway and I'm on the roundabout and I'm in this piece of shit old car, and it just died. It just stopped in the middle of the roundabout. Really busy roundabout. And this is like a dual carriageway, and I'm on the roundabout, and I'm trying to get into the right-hand lane of the roundabout, the inside lane, so I can pull off to the right. And it just stopped across two lanes. People are going absolutely mad. This guy screeches to a halt behind me, starts hammering on his horn,

and I'm like waving my arms in the air, doing the old I don't know what the problem is kind of sign and he gets out of the car he like slams his car door like he's gonna absolutely tear my head off like this suit wearing twat in a porsche and he was like what the fuck you do mate you're holding up the truck i was like do you think i would sit here if i didn't have to like i'm not doing this by choice the car has died he was like well call the fucking police i was like i am i am literally dialing them now it would be quicker if you didn't get in my face about it so i called the police and i said you know what's happening and they were like well all right you've broken down can you just move the car i was like no i can't get out of the car there's like cars whizzing all around me

i'm on a dual carriageway man oh you should you fucking should have you should have phoned the police you should have been like yeah yeah i'm phoning them right now and then like when they answer you've been like hi i'm uh i'm being harassed by a very angry man wearing a suit i need some help please threatening he has a gun shoot on sight so before i finish the call with the dispatch person for the police a police car comes along're like, I don't know if they have like cameras and they must have said something's fucking happened

on the dual carriageway because something dicks part. Yeah, they pay attention to these things really carefully. So the police literally just turned up and this couple of absolute classic

police officers, right, they had the little mustache, they had the really long legs, the really long skinny legs and the big burly body with the tummy and everything. They're like classic bobbies, right?

Even in the show, what's your problem? It was like, the car's broken down he's like all right we're gonna move you uh we're just gonna push you off the road so just keep it in neutral just don't touch the brake just steer and we'll push i was like okay and he said now where do you want to go i said well i was gonna go get some chinese food so can you drop me at that chinese restaurant just down the road they sort of looked at each other and sort of shrugged and pushed the car. It was about 400 yards down the road to this Chinese restaurant so I could

buy dinner. And they parked me up and I called up Mrs. F and I was like, I broke it down because I was going to pick her up from the station. So she said, oh, I'll come and meet you there. And we'll eat in the car while we wait for the rescue guys. So the guy turns up and he pops the bonnet and he sort of shakes his head and he's scratching it and he comes around

and he said, how old is this car? I was like, 1986. And he goes, and how many miles has it done? And I was like, not many. And I explained the story to him. And he says,

well, the problem is that there's like this central coil that all the electrics of the car run through and it's just corroded by like sea salt. There's like a dead body. It's like, yeah.

It's just like someone's used a skull as the main engine part here. But no, it was just like some coil or something that all the electrics go around. The Jersey Seasol. The Jersey Seasol had basically been festering away in there. And the immobilizer for the alarm had thought the car was being stolen. The car had suddenly panicked and said, I'm being stolen!

And just turned itself off. And so he had to rewire it. So the only way I could start the car from then on was to turn the car had suddenly panicked and said I'm being stolen and just turned itself off and so he had to rewire it so the only way I could start the car from then on was to turn the headlights on and then I could start the car because it was all

on the same circuit so if I tried to start it without having the headlights on the car wouldn't turn on so it was kind of weird but yeah it lasted a couple of weeks longer and then we got another car

you also had to tune the radio in to a very specific station it has to be radio free I know that sucks it has to be three oh sorry about this that sucks. It has to be free. Oh. Sorry about this. It's the only way I could do the wiring, though.

I have to hear the sultry voice of a radio drama. Yeah. The weird thing was, it only had a tape deck. I didn't have any cassettes, but I went out and bought some from a charity shop. Just to pause you for a moment, was that the day? This day sounds very stressful. Was this the day that when you got home and had a shower, you noticed hair coming out? No, it was bald water.

It was like the first trigger. This is the precursor. It wasn't too stressful. It wasn't too stressful. I mean, geez, no one got hurt. So you had a tape deck, you bought some... You got some Chinese food, man. The cops dropped them off and they were like, oh, thanks officers, thanks for your help. It was fine. And they turned to him and they're like, oh, he was like, oh, thanks, officers. Thanks for your help. And they turned to him and they're like, hey,

so what are you going to go in there and order? And Perri sort of turned around, smirked, and he said, a bowl of dicks. And then they looked at him with the stone cold, stone face glare. And he's like, whatever, guys, I'm a cunt. And then he went off and had some Chinese food.

Oh, it's come full circle. Thank you. Oh, man. But it was nice to go and buy tapes. You can get them in charity shops for like 5p. So I bought like Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA. Like that album. Oh, hell yeah.

Good choice, man. And I literally, that was the only cassette I had in the car. I used to have the Ramones' Rocket to Russia on cassette tape in my car. It was great. That was really good. I had that album just on repeat. I felt like so old in this old man's car, old woman's car, driving around with my tape deck blaring.

Oh, it was a beautiful drive. That's fucking great, man. So that was my first car. I think they had something something like soul soul beats or something that was like the one sort of tape we had in the car and it was like soul beats it was like an 80 like 1980s album of like kind of right i don't know the holy way is that just like yeah stuff like that exactly man i fucking because i crashed into someone in the back and got stuck on a roundabout i just

drove into this guy ahead of me just like you know it was clear so i went and he didn't go totally fucked up his car but i was i was in my my first car which was the ford galaxy just a big minivan so my i just had no damage whatsoever sweet but it turned out it was my old scout leader i've told you that i don't know weirdly it's my old so did they name your scout leaders after characters in the jungle book like was it baloo uh sorry baloo you just like crashed into them i remember all of my all of my cub scout leaders were all had like fucking jungle book names yeah yeah yeah they had to yeah yeah arcayla was the leader yeah yeah that's right yeah yeah i think they all have it's like the requirement i crashed uh i crashed a car one time what did you did you learn did you learn in canada no i

didn't learn no i learned over here i didn't learn in canada so i learned i learned how to drive over here and actually the the dad van the one that you've been in i crashed that it's the only time i've ever crashed a car i mean i've crashed into a lot of stationary things I've crashed yes no that's exactly what I did bins and fences and fucking you name it we were we were moving and um to save some money I decided to move a bunch of stuff like manually like myself so we got we got the removal guys in to just do the really big furniture whatever and and then a lot of like the sort of like shitty little things, I just moved like in the car. So I had this like real honking load like inside the, in the car. It was like stacked right up to the ceiling and there was shit like, the minute I like started driving, stuff was like falling down and slipping off.

And there was like an ironing board and like a bunch of shit. And so I'm driving down this like totally empty road. Okay. There was, there was, there was nothing on this road except for like a white trade van, a really beat up white trade van. It just was rusty fucking. It looked like it'd been in a war or something. It was just like really rough shape.

And it was outside a house that was being refurbished. Right. So it was like driving down this road, all this stuff starts fucking piling down, falling down. I'm like super tired and stuff. So I'm like turning around, putting my arm, trying to stop everything from sliding down to where like the gear stick was and everything.

And I looked back for a split second and then I fucking rammed right into this trade van. I was like, oh shit. So I fucking turned the car off quickly and then i saw this guy and this woman running out of like the house that was being refurbished and they're like oh my god are you okay like what what happened i was like oh yeah yeah i'm fine sorry i've just got all this shit i just got all this shit in my car it's like falling everywhere and i took my eyes off the road for like two seconds And fuck I'm sorry I like ran into your car They're like

We thought you blacked out or something I couldn't believe it It's like no no I'm fine I'm fine And then the guy's face changed all of a sudden And he's like oh I think you've damaged my van I was like Are you fucking serious This is not the first time this van has been hit

He's like oh we're gonna have to Exchange numbers Are you fucking serious? Like, this is not the first time this van has been hit. Oh, we're going to have to exchange numbers for insurance and stuff. I was like, fuck, no fucking way. There's no fucking insurance claim. This car is not even insured. It can't be. It's a write-off. Like, how is this even on the road still?

But he was adamant. He's like, no, no, no. Give me your phone number and stuff, and you might hear from me. I i'll see what my mechanic says if you can't get the dents out what the fuck like it was it was it was it was surreal that's the only time i've ever crashed a car well yeah i've had two crashes one i was pulling onto a roundabout and someone was in the inside lane and they suddenly decided to turn to the turning I was turning into. So it's like it's around my old scout leader. No, I wasn't. But I hit this lady as she was coming off. And she was at such an acute angle that she must have winged it left at the very last second.

Because as I'm turning left, it's my left outside corner that hits her car and it just folds in the whole side of her car. So it was like holding a stick into a balloon and dragging the balloon along it. That's a terrible image, but I can't, I can't think of another one. But it was just, it just crumpled. And they said it was my fault because I was so confused. It was my first accident. I was like, yeah, I guess it kind of was. But it clearly wasn't thinking back.

I was flummoxed. But the other one, a white van went into the back of the car behind me and that bumped into me. And she was in like a, the woman in the middle, she was in the sandwich, was just in this tiny little car that just completely smushed. And my car, it's like a big CRV. And all that happened was the rear tow bar got bent slightly

and my rear tire, the cover got scratched. That's it. Because my car's like a brick compared to hers. So she just went, and my car was fine. And the van was fine. And she got out and she was like, crying her eyes out. I had the baby in the back. The baby wasn't crying as much as she was. And I mean, I felt bad for her because she was sandwiched. I mean, she was just like, holy shit, my car's being crushed like an accordion. So she was upset and the driver got out

and said, you two alright? And I was like, yeah. And he said, oh, thank God for child seats, looking at the baby.

I was like, yeah. And he's like, had his phone in his hand and I realised he'd been texting or whatever and just ploughed into the back because we were stationary.

We were just at the light. So he was obviously been looking at his phone and just went in the back. So he just said, full liability, I've met everything. Just take my details,

it's fine. I was like, well, that's cool of him. But she was like, literally sob fine. I was like, well, that's cool of him. But she was just like literally sobbing. I was like, I felt so bad for her.

Well, these are just shit that happens all like pretty routine stuff. Well, that was a really good podcast. I really, really enjoyed that. Have you got a bodega? I have.

Whoa, it hasn't been like three hours yet though. We're doing a marathon one to make up for last week. I can't do a marathon. I need some lunch lewis is too tired it's a part 17 bodega if you want it okay let's do it okay let's do it i'm up for it bodega part 17. i gave up on the spanish by the way 17. yeah just say 17. 17. we're closed said jargail

floop without looking up he continued twisting his filthy barcloth around inside of a wet pint glass and stared at the floor whoever was out there whoever was out there banging on the front doors could die of thirst for all he cared it was late he was tired and he needed to spend all night worrying about the mountain of debt he faced bang bang bang we are closed he shouted something about the persistence made him nervous. Wasn't the feds, they rarely knocked. If it was smugglers or bandits they would have blasted the doors open by now. Who the flav could be so desperate to drink in a dump like the shit river tavern a quarter past flub in the evening? Bang bang bang! Floop threw down his barcloth and took off

his apron. If he was gonna have words with somebody he sure as hell wasn't gonna do it wearing an apron. All right, friendo, you've ticked me off now. I don't know what's in your head, but if you're thirsty, you could try them. He froze as he reached the door. Through the glass, he could see him. Bodega. Bodega, shouted Floop, unlocking the doors excitedly. Well, holy mungfish, get on in here. Got company. Hope that's all right, said Bodega, leaning on the doorframe and tapping the dust from his shoes. Bodega, said Floop, smiling. He glanced past Bodega, where he saw a comically bemuscled man clad in a yellow jumpsuit,

sporting a ridiculous red cape. Sure, sure, get in here. Double the customers. That's fine by Floop. Oh, uh, after your last visit, we kind of had a refurb. Changed the place up a bit. The Spallupians are gone, said Floop cautiously. It wasn't a refurb.

The strippers had quit because business was so bad. And the only person buying dances was Floop. And he was creepier than a Chungian midnight spider. Uh-huh, said Bodega. Gonna sit at the bar, said Floop. Not tonight. Got business, said Bodega, pointing at the bar, said Floop. Not tonight. Got business, said Bodega, pointing at the freak in the jumpsuit. And bring us a couple of ales, whatever you got.

They sat down at a table deep in a recess at the back of the room. Clearly their conversation wasn't for Floop's ears. He dropped the drinks off at their table and returned to the bar. Reaching beneath the counter, he tapped the small bugging control panel concealed there and inserted a tiny earbud into his left ear. Floop smiled sadly and whispered to himself, sorry pod, business is bad and information about you carries a hefty price tag. He listened in, there's a Flav RV, just an old place I know, off the beaten track. Tan, this pains me deeply but we gotta talk. Yeah I know, I flavved up believe me losing my jester

about that but just as one of the most powerful psychic entities I know and I know a few she sure as hell they get kidnapped by a bunch of space pirates like you said it wasn't just space pirates it was creme slum dump there was a long pause fluke was worried he'd lost the signal for a moment but they carried on talking creme sl slumdump? Well dang, Tan, I mean, far from me, this is bad. Yeah, I know. Crem slumdump?

The self-appointed president of the universe, thought Floop? If the feds were after Bodega, and this Tan fella, there might even be a big fat reward. He could turn this place around. Maybe even get a new place somewhere not in the middle of a desert. Get his beloved Spalupians back. He hadn't seen a good pair of titties in 17 rotations. Tan, I know you and me got bad blood going back a long ways, but Majesta means more to me that she's my wife, Bodega.

Don't forget that. She isn't going to fall in love with you again. She isn't going to leave me for a pipsqueak like you, and she is going to have my love child. There was another long silence. How can a woman with infinite powers look into your revolting soul and see anything worth parting her legs for? She said I have a good soul. Floop could hear Bodega's laughter even without the bugging device.

Does she know all about the shit you pulled back on? Wait a minute. She's psychic. Of course she knows. So what the far of, man? I just don't understand women. It's that old business of ours, Bodega. Remember, to us, vi sides to every story, mein Freund. So far, this was nothing worth a damn. If Floop put in a call to the feds, they wouldn't get here in time to arrest Bodega. There had to be something juicy. Something he could sell.

Patience, Floop. Patience. So what now? Well, here's the thing, Tan. First, we ain't friends. Second, Majesta don't need our help. If she wanted, she could just dematerialize right on out there or something. So when you say they took her, I can't wrap my noggin around it. Yeah, it's kind of a quandary. Hold up.

You're not telling me everything, are you? There was another awkward silence. Floop was getting restless and nearly dropped a pint glass. Nine, she kind of left this creme without even putting up a fight or anything. Did she, did Majesta dump you for creme? Did you attack my ship, cut a hole in it the size of your ego,

drag me down here and make me buy you a drink because our mutual boo left you for an even bigger asshole? My ratings bodega, I haven't even done a vlog today. People are screaming at me on space Twitter. They love Majesta almost as much as I do. Without her, I look like a loser. I don't give a gort darn fly-flar about your scrubbing audience, Tan. Bill, you should.

That last episode where I busted up your stupid ship got great numbers. I'm so angry right now, I think I might black out again. I need to win her back. She still has my child. She's still my wife. I want you angry right now I think I might black out again. I need to win her back. She still has my child. She's still my wife. I want you to team up with me. We can let bygones be bygones. Put those old troubles behind us. All we need is to put our heads together and figure out a way to get Majesta back. Floop saw Bodega leave the booth he and Tan had been seated at

before turning back to berate the yellow jumpsuited goon. Floop quickly removed his earbud and hid it under the bar. It was bad enough being second in line behind a low-down, dirty, backstabbing murderer like you, Tan. But if you think I'm going to settle for third in line, you got another thing coming. Me and Majestra are through for good! And as for you and me, next time I see you, Tan, it'll be through the sights on my raffle. Bodega turned and strode towards the exit. Tan leapt out of the booth, chasing after him.

Grabbed Bodega's shoulder, and the long, lean desperado turned, lasking on hand, and held the barrel beneath Tan's chin. Whoa, easy, mein Freund, said Tan gently. Hey, uh, watch the gunplay, folks, huh? said Floop. Shut up, Floop, said Bodega, before looking Tan square in his beady eyes. I loved her, Tan. If she ever needs my help, she'll get it. But you? You're a no-good, murdering, backstabbing, thieving varmint who ain't worth a farve-coated turd. Ain't nothing you could say could change my mind. So save your breaths, spat Bodega.

One billion squirrels, said Tan. Bodega said nothing for a very long time. He squinted at Tan. He blinked twice. Half up front, he said finally. Deal, said Tan. Okay, let's go. And with that, they left.

Floop sighed. They hadn't even paid for the drinks. The end. Oh, that's great. That's a good one. That's a really good one. I enjoyed that. Fuck, I can't believe there's been 17.

Yeah, I know. Bodegas now, that's crazy. Oh, P-Facts, I really like that, actually. I like the way you did it. Ah, P-Facts, I really like that, actually. I like the way you did it. It's a tricky arc, okay, to tell a... Get exposition, get this sort of story out there in a way that is not, like, just two people talking.

The whole having floops angle and stuff really made it just a lot... Brought it out, made it a lot more interesting. Added, like, a little bit more depth. Thank you. I like it. Yeah, I like it a lot, too. made it a lot more interesting added like a little bit more depth thank you I like it I like it a lot yeah I like it a lot too you're doing

you're doing fucking great job I'm proud of you man oh you guys are the best I'm very much enjoying these oh well holy crap that's all we got time for this week

on Triforce thank you for listening everybody thank you thanks very much we'll be back next week and we'll see you next time next week Lewis is going to be huge

we're live on the road oh are you guys doing that on the road next week oh sweet yeah yeah we'll be we'll be you next time, next week. Lewis is going to be huge. We're live, on the road. Oh, were you guys doing the on the road? Oh, sweet. Yeah. Yeah. We'll be here.

All right, good. All right. Cheers lads. Bye. Peace. Bye.