Triforce! - Triforce! #38: How to Trigger a Murderer

Episode Date: March 15, 2017

It's the anniversary of the Triforce Podcast where we're waffling about hairy women, bleached b-holes and swimsuit calendars! Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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but Canada is way more. It's poutine. Mixed with kimchi, maple syrup on Halo Halo, Montreal-style bagels eaten in Brandon, Manitoba. Here, we take the best from one side of the world and mix it with the other.

And you can shop that whole world right here in our aisles. Find it all here with more ways to save at Real Canadian Superstore. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. Guess what? We're one years old today. One years old. One years old. Woo-hoo.

Hooray. Happy birthday to us. Happy birthday to us, guys. Happy birthday Dear Triforce Podcast Happy Birthday To

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You

You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You You know what that means, that means we did 37 podcasts. yeah awesome yeah woo wow woohoo wow you know what that means that means we did 37 podcasts this is the 38th yeah

which means we missed 15 weeks worth of podcasts last year that's pretty good we've been pretty consistent that's good we've been pretty

yeah we're gonna miss more too right because like we've got trips coming up next week I'm in Vancouver. I'll miss two podcasts. We're going to miss two podcasts. So there you go.

Already off to a great start in 2017. I think 37 ain't bad. I think that's great. I mean, let's be honest. When we started this, we weren't sure if people were going to like it. Yeah, that's 36 more than I thought we'd ever do. Yeah, we still don't really know if people like it. I guess it's hard to tell than i thought we'd ever do so yeah we still don't really know if people like it i guess i guess it's hard to sort of tell isn't it because we

don't really look at i see a lot of positive stuff about it a lot of people say a lot of really nice things and uh it's nice it's nice to have people listen to it and like it and say yeah say nice things so i think we should give a shout out rename the channel to the triforce instead of you know having it called your pod. You know how I always imagine people listening to our podcast? I'll do it now. I always imagine Dana from Ghostbusters. Right.

You know that montage part where the Ghostbusters are like busting lots of ghosts. Yeah. And their ads are on TV and stuff like that and like no job is just like no fee is too big yeah yeah and the whole time like you know dana is like doing aerobics and then sometimes she's like cooking and like and like she's laughing and having a good time and falling madly in love with peter vancman and stuff and i feel like everybody who's listening to our triforce podcast every week is like that, slowly falling in love with me specifically. Right.

And doing various things, you know, like bleaching their cat's anus. Bee hole. Yeah. And, you know, sometimes grooming bugs out of their hairy dad's back. Right. And, you know, just various things but like but doing this stuff but laughing at the same time i feel like we bring just so much pleasure to people out there you know what not tooting my own horn or anything that's true sips that means that a lot

of people's armchairs are going to have demon arms coming out of them and attacking them and sucking them into a fridge in very short space of time so watch out ladies and yeah so if you if you live in a big high-rise apartment in new york and you have a funny funny little neighbor with glasses you find that you're in a demon armchair at any point those are the signs that you need to watch out for and if every time you look up at the building you hear the music. Move. Find a new place.

You should move. You should definitely move. So Sips is down. Yeah. Down in Bristol. Oh, yeah. We're on a road trip this week. Road trip.

We walked in together. Yeah. We chatted about his... Because I saw him and he was stood outside the hotel on the side of the road. Just looking gorgeous. Yeah, just for some context here, I haven't shaved or trimmed my disgusting beard in like three weeks. Nice, nice. But oh, it's like hockey beard, like playoff beard.

Yeah, it's quite raggedy. So I looked at him and I was like, oh man, he's looking real dishy. And then I got closer and I thought, oh, my God, actually, it's a bit out of control. And then as I got closer, I realized it's just basically a real bit of a mess. So I was like, first of all, I said, you look good from a distance. Right. Yeah.

And then I was like, you need to get a trimmer and trim that down. Yeah. And then we got chatting about how basically, what is it, your dad is a gorilla or something? He's pretty hairy, yeah. Yeah, and then how when you get older, hair starts growing in weird places that you never thought would happen.

Don't tell anyone the places I told you about, though. No. It will remain a mystery. I thought it was a puberty thing, like when you go through puberty, hair starts growing in strange places. Yeah, no. Watch out. N, when you get your puberty, hair starts growing in strange places. Yeah, no. Watch out.

Nose hair becomes more of a deal and like ear hair as well, the older you get. Yeah, you start getting like weird tufts. It's like old people, like old men, when they're really old, like 90 years old, their ears are enormous. Like, what's up with that? Why do your ears get so big in later life? They never stop growing. That's it. Your ears don't stop growing.

So you end up with big old man ears. I think that's true of men's ears anyway. I don't know if it's true of women's. Yeah, I think it's cartilage, isn't it? So cartilage always keeps growing. Well, women always have long hair so they can cover up their big ass ears, but fucking men don't. It's the same reason why older guys like us have bigger dicks.

Yeah, my dick just constantly keeps growing. Keeps growing. Like a snake. You know, like the older I get too, the less I think about using my dick for like certain things, but it's bigger than ever. Yeah. So like maybe I should re-evaluate my game plan.

What are you thinking of doing with it? What were you going to use it for besides the obvious things? Um. Um. re-evaluate my game plan. What are you thinking of doing with it? What were you going to use it for besides the obvious things? Um I just want to swing it around. I mean do you look around the house and think what could I fix today? And you think I wonder if I could fit my dick in that and that would fix it. A bit of bread stuck at the bottom of the toaster

I have a lot of free time That's a good one. Careful you unplug it There's a bunch of gunge in the drain. Maybe if I just shove my dick in there and see if I can scoop it out. What are you doing, honey? You're not fucking the bathtub. Oh, no, he's a drain fucker. He's a drain fucker.

Oh, shit. That's a common thing you need an excuse for. He's a drain fucker. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So now I was like, you should get a beard trimmer and just go over your whole body. Just do the whole thing. Get it all nice and even.

No, you can't do that. You can't do that. Why not? Because if you trim it with clippers, it doesn't get it all. And you have stubble. And that's really annoying and itchy and you get ingrown hairs. No, no, no. You just trim it all down to like a stub, like two millimeters.

I'm an old school man, Lewis. I'm not one of these like new millennial men who has to groom himself and stuff. I don't believe in it, okay? I don't care about my nails and my cuticles. I don't give a fuck about my hair, really. You know, I don't give a shit about my beard. I don't need to like wax my eyebrows or anything like that. I don't need a full body wax

what does mrs sips think of this spray test she hates my beard yeah of course what does she hate about it the fact that it makes you look like a terrible hobo no i think she just thinks that i look better clean shaven right like she i think she admires my my facial features i think some of them are hidden by this beard but sometimes it goes the the other way, right? Like, sometimes she gets used to having you with a beard, and then when you shave the beard off, she's like, oh, I don't like it without the beard now. You know, I think it's her, you know, it can change. She might, her taste might change. If you can

make the beard stylish, Sips, if you can, like, you know, groom yourself a bit and be slightly less like a guy who's just crawled out of a sewer. A skip. A dumpster. Yeah. Skip. Skips. That's an easy change of name to skips. What were you doing a sewer. A skip. A dumpster. Yeah. Skip. Skips. That's an easy change of name to skips.

What were you doing in there? I was fucking the dumpster. That's what happens. That's what happened with Terps, I think, and his wife. Because he, she originally liked his, because he had that very thin line beard, didn't he? Do you remember? And she really liked that.

And then he grew it out into a beard and she hated it. What's the trade term for that? It's like pencil beard yeah i guess a pencil must remember brian fairy's pencil mustache yeah no but that was part of his whole look wouldn't it like as a kind of a guy that looked like a yeah i could go for something like that though do you think i could pull it off no no no i'd like to see it okay no don't do it no flax flax is like pretty adamant let's get you a set of clippers and we'll do it this afternoon we'll just see how it looks just clip it up

you can do a video where you give sips a variety of beard styles using the clippers well you could do like a dare to compare you know like on those infomercials they're like you could wax your face or you could stick to the old method of hacking away with a razor blade.

Look at the difference. And then you see the guy's face and like half of it is just like really gross and like cut up and stuff. And the other half is just like bald as a baby because of this new fucking JML product. Do people, like, do hairy people wax their whole bodies? Like I could imagine it would be a bit of an experience. I see people, you see a lot of people in pornography

that have obviously waxed their entire bodies. Yeah, well, I mean, that brings me to, like Lewis was saying today, we were talking about this on the way in. He was talking about having a full body wax. We were right in the middle of this and the yoghurt bumped into us and was like, oh my God, it's you guys. Yeah, yeah. We had a chat with him. We chatted, oh my God, it's you guys. Yeah, yeah. We had a chat with him.

We chatted. We didn't tell him about the body hair stuff, though. We were in a quick flow and we just sort of stopped. Yeah. But then when we resumed, Lewis sort of made the comment that a lot of, you know, if you're getting rid of your body hair, it's for sexual reasons. It's a sex thing, right? It's a sex thing.

Yeah, obviously. I don't know if it is, though. Well, that P-Flex just jumps to porn straight away about it. Yeah, I know. Like, that's your first port of call. But, like, I think sometimes, like, you know, like a woman isn't bleaching and waxing her mustache as a sex thing. I think that's just more of, like, a I don't want to have a mustache thing. Yeah.

I wouldn't relate that necessarily to a sex thing. Well, there's, like, a level of personal grooming that you do for yourself. But I think, as well, we're kind of looking... Like I think men groom themselves, and this is obviously going to be another comment-worthy stereotype or whatever, but I think men generally groom themselves and look after themselves to attract women, but women tend to groom themselves and do all that kind of stuff partly to attract men, but also because other women are extremely judgmental about how women look. They do it to feel good about themselves though, too, right?

It's true, but I know for a fact that women look at other women's outfits a lot more than men look at women's outfits. Here's a question for you, PFLAGS. Is it normal for a woman to shave her arms? Normal in what culture, Lewis? Is that just... Yeah's this this is the cultural thing like i think some people i think if you're from like say the mediterranean you're gonna you're gonna have like darker hair right is that i mean shaving legs sure that's very accepted

okay very very yeah but some people have hairy arms that they and they want to shave their arms do you mean arms not their underarms you mean like their arms actual arms arms yeah yeah i don't think that i don't think i've ever seen that do women do that well exactly oh man some women do i was asking tips about this it does seem unusual yeah well but then again if you're doing my legs and the underarms anyway it's not that much harder just i think if you have like dark really dark hair you know like some like some some women you see they have like really dark hair but they have really dark eyebrows they have like darker eyes and stuff and then if you look up close yeah they're gonna have like more visible arm hair in some cases and maybe like a little bit of a mustache i don't think that's one of the things that's frowned upon kind of is it like how can you frown upon that like women's arms

they're not hairy like a man's hairy arms it's like light hair you know even if it's dark it's not bushy if they don't know no but you can it is more noticeable and maybe that's why they do it i don't think about it they don't want they just want to have bald arms is anybody bothered by it like is anyone ever said she's beautiful but yeah her arms have a very faint downy hair on them. I don't know. Okay, good. I'm glad you're with me on that. I thought that was a little bit unusual.

I think that would bug me a little bit. I would definitely notice. I would think I would be like, you know what? You ever consider waxing your arms? They're fucking hairy as hell. Like, hairier than mine. She'll be really self-conscious about her arms, Dead Sips. She can't do that.

Could you tell him to go fuck himself? The way you've got to... Shut up, P-Flax. The way you've got to do it, okay, is gently, like... She's got very smooth arms. You know, like, pointing at, like, a model in a magazine kind of thing. You're such an awful person, Lewis. No, no, that's not how you do it.

That's not how you do it, Lewis. When you're being intimate, you're like in the throes of passion. Then you go like, oh, god, I got like, oh, sorry, sorry. What's wrong? What's wrong? Look, I got like some rug burn or something on my inner arm. I don't

know how that's happened. Weird. Where did this rug burn come from? I'm getting these strange downy hairs in my teeth from kissing your arm. I'm just kissing your arm and I've got... Hang on. There's a hair wrapped around my tongue. That's a hair fall. You guys are awful.

There's nothing like getting her in the mood I think you know one thing you could do If you wanted to get it subtly across But make out like it wasn't a problem for you Is when you're having sex with a woman with hairy arms You say yeah you fucking take it you hairy bitch To see if she To see if she stops you Like whoa whoa whoa

What do you mean Harry Bitch What are you talking about It's like that It's like that classic You know when you say Like the wrong

The wrong name During sex You know like You're having sex With Rhonda And then you're like Ooh Pamela

Or whatever But instead you go like Oh Harry Arms Oh yeah Fucking Harry Bitch Why did you call me Harry My arms are I got Hang on a second Oh, hairy arms. Oh, yeah. Fucking hairy bitch. What did you call me? My arms are...

Hang on a second. I'll be back in a minute. I got to go get my feet. Oh, my goodness. Jesus. So, yeah, like, that's the thing that you ladies now need to be paranoid about for no reason. No, you don't. Man, nobody minds a bit of hair.

Like, look back in the 80s. Like, you know, when there was nudity on TV in the 80s or whatever, like people were hairy as fuck. You know, like I'm not even talking about like a quaint bush. I'm talking about a sprawling megalopolis of a bush. Like a fucking corn maze. That like connects up to like the fucking hips and stuff. A corn maze.

And nobody gave a shit. Like that was just, know this is this is before the days of of you know excessive personal grooming right so it's like everybody was just like i'm hairy you're hairy let's get it on yeah you know what i blame a lot of this uh i'll blame a lot of this stuff on celebrity culture coming out of mainly out of hollywood if you think about all this kind of stuff like colonic irrigation obsessive hair removal uh obsessive body sculpting butthole bleaching it all comes around from people who are so rich and so beautiful that they look at themselves and they think what tiny imperfection am i willing to spend a fortune correcting yeah yeah and finally

it comes down to damn you know my butthole isn't peachy white like it should be. And I think that is the final fucking threshold. It's not puckered up like a cat. What next? What is the next? I mean, we've had teeth- Can we do a B-hole tuck? Tongue scraping was one that I didn't think would ever happen.

It never ends. Eyeball correcting. Oh, what's that? To get the white stuff off your tongue. Yeah, but it's there because you've been eating and drinking and now people are scraping their tongues. It's fucking nuts. You're not wrong, PFLAX. Like, oh my god, there's such a long list. You've got to

like, do, you've got to exfoliate and cleanse and scrape your tongue. You've got to like, whiten your teeth and trim your nails and fucking file them with a special thing. You've got to like, rub stupid fucking vitamin D stuff into your hands. You've got to use hand cream. You've got to like, oh my god D stuff into your hands you've got to use hand cream you've got to like

oh my god it's so much you have to go to the gym and you have to eat properly and you have to take the supplements this is Lewis

describing his life it's going like it's no but I totally see where you're coming from like but there is

there is like a plastic surgery thing that men are doing that's quite popular right now and it's a scrotal lift

right so it's like having so it doesn't hang down as much like a cow's udder it's not so attractive to have a big old dangly sack going on so i disagree man my fucking sack is so big like so droopy is it like santa's sack at the end of the christ Eve when he's delivered almost all the toys. Just a couple of toys left in the bottom of the sack. What I want to know is, can you get scrotal smoothing so it's perfectly sheer like a globe? Like a perfect globe. Yeah, because your sack is a bit bumpy and stuff, isn't it? It's wrinkled and hairy. It's wrinkled up and like hairy and and whatever

i mean i guess guys like shave their balls i would never no personally i'd be way too scared to have a sharp object close to my balls well whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa first of all it's not actually that difficult to shave your balls secondly there's like there's like there's like two stages of, because basically the whole point of your ball sack, I feel like I should educate you, is because your balls are supposed to be kept at a specific temperature. Yeah, no, we know why that is. Yeah, yeah.

And so there's two different, like there's saggy normal balls, and there's this like, when it's cold. There's room temperature balls. Like wrinkled prune balls, retreating balls. There's those two stages. What happens if you go into really warm water? Because I always feel like my scrotum gets bigger in warm water. Like my balls are desperately trying to find a way out

and there's no way out. So my scrotum is like, it's at the limit of its escape possibilities. It's like, that's it. We've gone as far as we can. Every man for himself. But at that point, your balls are in full panic mode and they just shut down.

Oh, man. Yeah. And your sack just becomes this empty Sainsbury's bag blowing in the wind kind of thing. I know what you mean. Like when it's cold, obviously there's a retreat inside the igloo. Like, you know, it hides. The balls hide inside your body. Oh, it's so cold.

Let's huddle together for warmth. And you think that's cool. They've got that down. But when it's really hot. Yeah, they know how to do that. I think, you know, yeah, your poor balls. I guess that's probably because, you know, yeah, we're just not born for it. We're not this climate.

You know, if you have like a really, really hot shower, have you guys ever had, or a hot bath? You've had a hot bath, but it's too hot. And when you get out of the bath, you're like sweating. Yeah Yeah, my balls are literally dragging on the ground They're so fucking loose and like warm and stuff This is this is where we've been this is we've each said exactly that in the last. Yeah, we've described our balls Shall we just carry on?

balls but shall we just carry on welcome to the triforce ball cast this is where we yeah jeez this is another one every once in a while that we just go off on these big ball and dick tangents and this is definitely one of those times it's a topic that we actually have a good understanding of like we really yeah nobody's ever gonna really say oh period is so you guys are wrong Me and my buddies at high school, we shave our balls every day and we have sex with each other.

So, nice try, Triforce. Fucking get with the times. Oh, shit. Well, good for you guys.

No, shaving your balls, just, it's a thing. You can do it. Don't do it. No one cares. Don't shave your balls.

Man, who's looking at your balls anyway? We've talked about this before. It's the forgotten part of the male anatomy. No one gives a Don't shave your balls. No one cares. Man, who's looking at your balls anyway? Yeah, who cares? We've talked about this before. It's the forgotten part of the male anatomy. No one gives a shit. Yeah.

No woman out there is saying, fucking look at the balls on that bastard. Oh, yeah. You never know. I don't know. I don't know. Some women like her. If you're a lady into balls, let us know. I'd love to know.

Why not, right? You know, like in the 70s, you know, you see the footage of like, you know, Led Zeppelin and stuff. And Robert Plant wore pants that were much too small and too tight. And the bulge, like it was a thing. Oh, yeah, yeah. Definitely in the 70s where like, you know, kind of like it was like a thing that guys did. They wanted to show off their bulge. And like, I don't know, a man's bulge is just not very nice it's a very specific shape weird fucking you know bulge it's yeah he didn't

have the balls though it would look weird it would yeah it would be just really weird it would just look like we have a banana in your i think uh i think obviously that there's the hint of something there you know what i mean it's like it's not like a pair of boobs like boobs are almost impossible to hide it's a big like if you compare they're nice to look at too why would you try the same size but what i'm saying is even even if you wanted to wear the biggest wooliest jumper possible it's still very obvious if a woman has has big boobs right but i mean a guy can wear just just slightly baggy trousers and unless he's packing a fucking cannon down there, you know, you're not really going to know.

You're going to know there's something in there because he's got like just that little zip is all that's separating you from what you seek. But instead, with a pair of boobs, you can't even hide them. You can't. They're right fucking there. So I do feel, you know,

I feel bad for ladies that perhaps don't want their massive knockers, their massive glorious orbs on show. Tough. We can see them and we appreciate it. Interestingly, I was thinking about this the other day, but we're at this stage where it's coming to the end of winter, starting to be spring again.

Yep. And it's been a very long time since anyone out in public has seen any skis. Oh, I can't wait. At all. Or boobs. And so when you see a bit, it's been a very long time since anyone out in public has seen any skates. Oh, I can't wait. At all. Or boobs. And so when you see a bit, it's kind of shocking. Like when we saw, when I watched the Hat Films shipping and receiving video with trots in the shower, it was a bit like, oh my God, that's too much.

But I think if I'd seen that at the end of summer, after you walk down the high street and there's like just naked men, topless men everywhere, you know, walking around in, it being the summertime, right. All of these tattooed, hairy backed men. They just got,

just walking around with their shirts off and women just wearing, wearing bikinis, just like all these beautiful women have just come out of nowhere. I mean, you know, it's amazing. It's a different world. It's like,

wow. It's the best thing about summer. Honestly, is seeing all the, these wonderful, beautiful people. If I'd seen that Hatfield's Valentine's movie at the end of summer, I wouldn't have batted an eyelid, probably, about Trot being naked. Yeah, I've seen you in the winter.

I know what you mean. I'm like, bloody hell, I haven't seen a nipple for ages. Fucking hell, mate. You'd put a scarf on or something, would you? You're fucking free. I guess it's not so much a nipple, but a nipple of someone I know, I guess. Do you know what I mean? A known nipple.

Yeah. Like a little, I don't know, something what I mean? A no nipple. Yeah. Like a little, I don't know, there's something a little bit more exciting about that. Did you get a frisson of excitement ran through you? Yeah, about,

maybe. Ooh, a nipple. A nipple of someone I know. Of someone I know, yeah. It's like a little bit secret, you know, a little bit special. Would you take part in,

like, a calendar, a Yogscast swimsuit calendar calendar if we did one, right? It would be tastefully done. It would be like the Canada Girls Canada. Do you remember where they did the Canada Girls? Yeah. So you get like a proper photographer in.

Yeah, and then you have two big jugs of milk and you kind of, you know, you hide behind those, you know, tastefully. I would need like a vat though. Like that Austin Powers movie at the start. I need a vat. Do you remember that? No. So I think it would be, people know what I mean. tastefully. Like that Austin Powers movie at the start. Do you remember that?

So I think it would be... People know what I mean. That big scene where he's naked, but he's got a big bowl of fruit in front of him. Yeah, so we could do it like that, PFLAG. So you could decide how much you want to show. You want me to get naked for a calendar? Dude, no one's buying

that shit. I'm not suggesting, I'm not asking you to do it i'm just wondering whether you would be up for it i don't know for are we that hard up yeah no for charity or something for fun like is it what's not working like can we instead of doing that can we just like do something else better to make more money and then we wouldn't have to do this i'm just wondering because i think certain people would be very up for showing off their pecs and stuff like like Strippin and Trot and Shin's got a good old bod on him. Yeah, but Strippin's not even... he's left us though. Like, we'd still do a calendar with him?

Well, I'd probably maybe not. Terps would be up for it, getting his guns out. Big old dad bod out. Smithy, he's got a good old bod on him. Yeah. You know, so I'm thinking like already there's like five or six, you know. But what about women though? We don't have any women here at York Scarce. Yeah, they've all left, yeah.

Yeah. So it's just, it would be a male, it would be something that would go up in. It would be a real sausage party. If Jim went back in like a garage, a seedy, like a local illegal garage, they would be, they'd have a sexy girl character on the wall. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah yeah right and i assume they're still that still is the thing i think normal garages do as well like it's okay very male occupied space isn't it so yeah is that still a thing that you can get away with in

like a modern i'm sure you can garage environment you might have to like put it in a locker or something instead of just being like out in the open Makes it used to just be out in the open, in the main office area. There's still like page three and stuff like that, you know? Is it as common or is it dying? Are they more explicit now? I think it depends on who you're working with. It's like anything, if you have a shop and you're expecting- If you're the janitor at a women's refuge, maybe that's not totally acceptable. I see.

Probably not. But yeah, you know, geez, I've been to mechanics. It's mostly guys that work in these places. All the mechanics around here I've been to, it's all a bunch of young guys working in there. They're stuck around stinky men all day. Christ, let them have a fucking calendar of some women. Jesus, is that really such a problem problem I don't think there's an issue I'm not trying to shut it down

I'm just saying that I don't know if people are still doing it these days you're going to tell the mechanic the guy who's got your car you shouldn't have that calendar that's offensive oh really well guess what your gearbox just fell off like no he can have the calendar he's holding you ransom

he's got your precious car he can have whatever calendar he's holding you ransom he's got your precious car he can have whatever he wants up there it's just people in swimsuits for christ's sake if he was hanging a razzle pile up centerfold in the middle there and there's just you know it's all going on then fair enough you might say that's a little mostly the tits were out when i remember page three okay you can do you can buy that in a fucking news agent it's not top but that's like page three. Okay. You can buy that in a fucking newsagent. It's not top shelf, that's bottom shelf. But would you cut a page three out and stick it on the wall in your garage? No. No, just in my hallway.

Some people would. I'll tell you one thing that you barely ever see, if ever, is you go into a mechanics shop, and you look over where you expect to see the pinup calendar hanging, and there is a calendar there but it's like half naked firefighters that would be something could you imagine right okay you never really see that yeah maybe they maybe they've recruited some you know young female fire mechanics and they're running the shop shop now i guarantee you if they do the women will be saying

yeah you can hang your calendar but we want to hang our calendar. And I reckon the guys would be like, it's not worth it. They got the Diet Coke guy calendar up in there. All right, but we get to have a fireman calendar. With his fucking window cleaning without his shirt on and stuff. I'm just saying, I think people would like to see a bit of P-Flex and Sips and Taps dad calendar action. I don't know if they do, Lewis. I feel like maybe you're reading the market wrong on this one.

Okay, well, I might be. I mean, we do a podcast every week where nobody can see us, and there's a good reason for that. Just because you go to the fucking gym now, you can't just suddenly say, hey, guys, I'll be going to the gym for a week. Let's go. Let's get them out.

Woo, look at my guns. Woo-hoo, woo. Maybe give it six months, Lewis, and when you're fucking huge, then you can push this again. Okay. Sure. I'll come back to it. Is your personal trainer going to like put you on some sort of like protein diet or something to like do some weight gain?

Because like if you're trying to bulk up, no offense, but like. I know you saw, you literally saw me today. Yes. I realize. I realize I am as skinny as ever like you look like you've spent like the best part of eight years like in a vietcong prison building a railway yeah so like i don't know does he have any plans to like just put you on a pasta diet or something to help you fucking build up some mass or what is that how it works i don't know sips look i i Look, I'm not thinking about being in it,

but it was a thing that was posted on the Reddit for a while and everyone was keen to see us embarrass ourselves. And I just wondered whether, because, you know, it could be done tastefully, guys. Like, you know, it doesn't have to be like full nude. You don't have to like get your fucking dick out. I know, but at the same time, I don't need to take my clothes off to embarrass myself.

I'm perfectly capable on a daily basis of embarrassing myself in other ways. Fun and inventive ways. I get it. All right. Well, listen,

I'll table that for discussion in the future. Tabled. Holy shit. Oh my God. So have you guys done anything good this week? Anything fun?

Anything unusual? I went to my kid's assembly. She had assembly this morning. That's why I was... Obviously we recorded a little late. So she is five. And they're adorable at that age. They had this little assembly planned and we had to go in there because it's Mother's Day

and spring is coming. So they had all these little songs that they prepared. They all had to have a little line. They had to come up to the microphone and they're like, Spring is my favourite season because of the flowers and the birds come out to play yeah like that so they all get a turn to do that um and there was this one dad who obviously felt that he had this like terrific relationship with the teacher because he thought that the assembly wasn't like a one-way thing like there was some kind of fucking audience interaction so the guy's

constantly chipping in with these funny comments and like making having jokes the teacher he had a really loud kind of laugh after all his jokes and i just thought would you shut the fuck up like i wanted to say to him i wanted to tap on the shoulder and say excuse me sir this is not some kind of brechtian about you know fourth wall is gone audience interaction shit just shut the fuck up and let us hear our kids sing the songs if you want to have a little joke with the teacher have a little joke with the teacher on your own time i'm trying to record my kid singing her song holding up a picture she did of her mom and you are not fucking helping but i didn't say that i just tucked it no but people like that people like that drive me nuts though because you you're sitting there and they're like i like how you're informing him now by the video if you're listening fuck you you

know like people that do that kind of shit and they're all like really overly like like loved up with their kids and stuff and you just think what what are you trying to fucking prove here what you love your kids more than i love mine like yeah fucking get a life you fucking idiot like he probably goes home and fucking ignores his kids and then when the minute he's out in public all of a sudden fucking dad of the year is turned on he's probably a murderer as well he's a fucking yeah he probably fucking is he probably fucking is these people are the worst like you know he's probably just gonna have a fucking breakdown in a couple years like just trying to leave lead this double life meanwhile the rest of us normal people who don't feel the need to get up and fucking interact with the children's assembly are just gonna be

regular old fucking you know burnt out husks of people well that went no that wasn't the direction i thought that would take i thought you were were going to say... Not having a big breakdown. We won't make a big deal about it, is the thing, right? Yeah. But he was one of those guys, like, obviously, I go to pick up my kids and I see the teacher, and I think, all right, maybe he knows the teacher, but he's one of those guys, and you see these people,

he seems to know everybody a little bit, but his interactions with each of them is so over the top that you'd think that they'd literally just come from some amazing party or they'd all just been on holiday together and i hadn't been invited and they have some kind of crazy good relationship with everybody and he's like hey all right how's it going and i listen in on what they're saying and it's nothing it's just like empty talk it's like the one thing that he can remember about his previous interaction with these people is for some reason the funniest thing. And he brings it up again and laughs his head off.

I'm trying to give you an example, but it would be something like, you know, let's say some very teeny tiny embarrassing thing had happened. Like someone had worn odd socks, say, and he'd noticed it. So the next time he sees them, he'll be like, you got those odd socks say and he'd noticed it so the next time he sees him he'll be like you got those odd socks on today and they'll be like yeah yeah yeah yeah like that's the funniest like i'm out peace everybody thanks for watching i'll be here tomorrow to pick up my that's such an officey thing as well isn't it like to pick up on something stupid like that and just mention it every day oh god so he's like that guy

but in assembly but other than that the assembly was great I give it 8 out of 10 do you know what I think Sips' point was that you know maybe by not

calling him up on it and not like actually you know taking him down a peg you've stopped that family that murderer from just going loose you know

you put it off for another year yeah because the thing is like if you if you break if you triggered him if you trigger him he'll go home and take it out on the kid yeah of course no no i'm sure i'm sure he's a great dad i'm just i'm just saying i wish sometimes i wasn't a cynical hateful person who was annoyed by very simple social interactions with other people like i wish that I could just be that kind of person who could just go and just be a nice person. But I can't do it.

When someone is having a boring conversation with me, I just tune out. My eldest daughter does the same thing. If she's not interested, she stops listening. That's it. I'm just, that's it. I'm tuning out. I'm still going to smile and nod, but I'm just not here.

I just can't help it. I wish I was a normal person. I mean, this is us for like three quarters of this podcast we don't really listen to each other most people just that's not true for the gaps no no i don't need a conversation to say what i want to say we react very strongly to everything that we say like if you say you told the gym guy that you had a sore throat because you've been sucking so many dicks that stuck in my mind i remember you saying that and that was definitely yeah that was alarm bells for me really that's when i realized that like hang on like you know you read about this kind of stuff this is not a normal guy it's like it's not a midlife crisis it's like it's like you know sometimes it's like

go they it goes undiagnosed but like you can get like early onset dementia and people start acting like this you know they start sort of like um like, almost like lashing out a bit, or like, they'll be like happily married, but they'll maintain a Tinder profile, and date, and stuff, and people are like,

oh fuck, he must just be having a really crazy midlife crisis, and then two years later, he's like, completely full on dementia, and he's only like 25 years old, you know what I mean? Yeah.

So maybe that's coming, Lewis. I'm just saying. Well, yeah. Let's hope not. Let's hope not. Yeah. Yeah. It would be good if that wasn't the case.

But do you feel like a bit funny? Do you feel like forgetful? Sometimes you go home, but you're trying to open the front door, and the key doesn't work, and you realize you're not at home. You're at somebody else's house. You're at the house that you lived in five years ago. And you're going in open the front door and the key doesn't work and you realize you're not at home. You're at somebody else's house. You're at the house that you lived in five years ago. And you're like going in the backyard going, Mr. Fluffers, are you back here? Are you back here?

Mr. Fluffers. Cat's been dead for like 15 years. He's fighting the grave. Mr. Fluffers. We're like, what? Where are you? That reminds me. Do you remember that there was that?

I still have yet to figure out if it was just an internet rumor or if it was true, that the guy, what was his name? What was the guy that wrote Garfield? Was it John Harris or something? No, it was Jim Davidson. Jim Davidson. Jim Davidson. Jim Davidson, I think.

Or Jim Davis, wasn't it? Just Jim Davis? Jim Davis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jim Davis, something like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jim Davis. It's Jim. davis yeah yeah jim dave something like that yeah so jim jim davis yeah yeah so it's jim that if you

look at the the very sort of there there he wrote these very dark versions of garfield where garfield which that od and john and all that had died or had left him and he was just abandoned in the house and all it was was this unbelievably bleak like it was drawn just like garfield i'm sure it wasn't real but hey oh do you want some lasagna there's no there's no one there it's just dark there's no one else there he's just alone in the house like this hungry scared cat who's just sleeping in this corner this dark corner with all cobwebs and everything it was like a series of them and i'm sure it was bullshit but i remember thinking it would have been an amazing sign off to the abysmal garfield

series if actually jim Jim Davis was like, do you know what? I've been fucking with you the whole time. If now you've got to reread all the Garfields, there's a whole second level, a third level going on there. Oh, shit. But there was not. Hey, do you remember the Far Side?

Yeah, yeah. Remember those? Fuck, those were so good. They were like, they used to get one in the paper like every day and they were so fucking funny. I'm looking up the Garfield thing, and it's true. It did happen. You can look it up.

If you look up Garfield, it's on the Comic Alliance website. The scariest comic of all time is a Garfield story from 1989. That's what the title of the story is, by Chris Sims from 2014, and it's real. It was published, and it ends with him clearly hallucinating that uh that everything is real and he's just living in a dilapidated house and the final panel says locked fast within a time when he no longer exists garfield grapples with his greatest fear loneliness that's the end of the fucking panel and then it goes on and he just denies everything and carries on living his life but uh yeah he just imagines that everything's all right.

That's how... And then Garfield just carries on as if nothing happened. Fuck. Did Jim Davis just go through some sort of weird midlife crisis? No, it's one of those things when you're successful.

He started waxing his balls. When you've done something, because you've got to appreciate that Jim Davis would have created countless cartoon characters and tried to get his comic strips shown in in papers and stuff like that you know it's the same with like walt disney like all these like all these sort of like famous people who have developed a an iconic character you know the first one that they made isn't the one that just propelled them to success or whatever. Like it's a huge process. And when you find the one that sticks and the one that does give you the success,

you know, he would have had to write countless, countless stories and comic strips for Garfield. And in the end, he probably just fucking hated Garfield. You know what I mean? Like, but felt like he had to just keep doing it because that was how he's making a living or whatever so i think it's natural every once in a while for these people to go down like a darker tangent with it and explore some you know some different avenues or whatever he was stuck making fucking garfield for like decades i mean if you leave red garfield has it ever made you

laugh have you ever thought not once not oncefield. Not once. I watched the Christmas special. I didn't laugh. I was a kid as well and I did not laugh once. It's not funny. That's because it sucks. But at the same time... He hasn't had to do it, but he's made a lot of money out of it. It must be a great life. He writes shit

that isn't even funny. You draw a stupid orange cat. I don't know if it sucks though. It's not funny, but it was pleasant enough to read. I don't, I wouldn't say it sucks. I would just say that it's not funny.

It's not funny. I would say that, it's a comic strip that isn't funny. Isn't that inherently? But, but I think that, I think that every comic strip that appeared in newspapers was not funny.

Like I've never busted a gut laughing at a comic strip that appears in a paper, except for, occasionally, The Far Side. Yeah, yeah. Was the exception. Yeah, like, sometimes stuff does make you laugh. I mean, I think people who end up having to do the same old shit every day

do hate stuff. Like, I remember Arthur Conan Doyle was the famous one who hated Sherlock Holmes. He really hated him, and, like, tried to kill him multiple times, and he got really just sick of how, I think he was in a way like very jealous. Like, well, I think one of the things

that Arthur Conan Doyle said was that, you know, one of the worst things that can happen to me in my life is that Sherlock Holmes is what I'm remembered for kind of thing or something like this, you know. You know, and fuck what else? No one knows anything else he did. Yeah, and just Sherlock Holmes. And then, and you know, and he's revived time and time again, you know and fuck what else no one knows anything else he did yeah and just sherlock holmes and then

and you know and and he's he because he's revived time and time again you know like now he's popular again because there's a tv show with them but i think that's more to do with because sherlock holmes is out of copyright now i mean it's one of these things before and so people can make any old shit that's why there are so many sherlock Holmes things, because all the original books and the name is out of copyright. And see, it's one of these things that happened just before Disney. And since Disney, everything has been fully locked down on the copyright, and no one can pretty much make derivative versions of anything. That's why a lot of the fairy tales as well that are out of copyright

are able to be remade again and again and again. But in the early 1900s, when Disney was starting out, there were still copyrights on some of the fairy tales. A lot of the Disney stuff came from non-copyrighted stuff.

They used a lot of the big Disney franchises that are now very well known as disney were based on stuff that was previously i think it was alice in wonderland uh was one that disney wanted to do and he had to he had to buy the copyright and reluctantly it was sold to to disney and then the people behind the original fairy tale alice in wonderland were just like oh what have we fucking done like they hated the movie and and everything and like they just like you know it was this they hated the the disney yeah apparently they did yeah when i was a kid that movie was so bizarre like it was

but i kind of liked it i don't know why i think because i think i mentioned this like on a previous podcast but like the early disney movies were were super hit and miss like some of them some of them It was. But I kind of liked it. I don't know why. I think it was so surreal. I think I mentioned this on a previous podcast, but the early Disney movies were super hit and miss. Some of them did exceptionally well, and some of them just totally flopped. But it was in the 80s when they started re-releasing them on VHS. That's when Disney really fucking struck gold. Because when most of these movies were released,

it was during the war and stuff. Nobody had money to go to the movies they just weren't appreciated there's other stuff going on and a lot of them were just big flops but now they're just like these timeless classics because all of these like baby boomers bought them on vhs and you know now they have a disney collection how about that dvd and shit like that it's i mean do you remember disney went through that stage in the seventies when all they seemed to do was make, I'm sure we've talked about this before movies. Fuck me. And last time we talked about,

I forgot her cocking name as well. Murder. She wrote, well, her, but the woman out of, um, science of the lambs.

What's a fucking Jodie Foster, right? Jodie Foster. I'm sure those Herbie movies were disney movies they just made all these live action fucking movies uh i think they would they had no idea what they were doing and then along came that night that 80s 90s revival for disney when they suddenly realized why don't we just make cartoons and stick songs in them and they made shit like the lion king and all that yeah yeah that's it that was their big fucking um the the thing it was like three movies it was the little mermaid uh the lion king and

aladdin yeah those were huge the three fucking gigantic movies but but when they made the little mermaid in 89 they hadn't made an animated feature film for like 15 years or something yeah it's nuts i think the last one they made was like the Jungle Book or something. And then Walt Disney died and then they didn't do any after that. And they realized no one else could draw in the whole of Disney. They were like, he did all the drawings.

They were like, we have this animation studio and none of these fucking guys can draw. What the fuck? What do we do? Get Jodie Foster. It's weird. Yeah, I read a lot about Disney. I was interested like in the whole story

and it's a good, like if you look up a bunch of stuff on Wikipedia and how Disney has changed and stuff, it's interesting. I'm sure I mentioned all this before. I don't want to talk about it too much. The thing is, when I grew up in the, like, I only really remember the 80s. I don't remember much of the 70s at all. But in the 80s, it was just Star Wars, Indiana Jones. That was it.

Like, that was my obsession. They re-released all of the um star wars stuff in all of the original star wars movies into theaters because i remember seeing i remember going to see return of the jedi when i was really young in in theater and i think all the other ones too i must have been like eight or nine years old right so when what year would that have been? Because I saw those the first time around. Because I think I turned 41 this month in like 20 days. I turned 41. Yeah, it was like 80, I guess it was like 86, 87 that I would have probably seen them when they were rereleased in theaters. Because that was when you didn't used to be able to buy movies on VHS for like a decade

after they came out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember you'd go to the video store and there'd be nothing. Oh shit, the turnaround time now is insane. It's crazy. It's like two weeks after it's not in theaters, it's like on iTunes and everything. And it costs like 200 quid to buy Star Wars on VHS when they very first came out. Because I'd go in the video store and they'd have the videos there.

You could buy the video, but it would cost you a fucking fortune. Because the idea of home viewing and everything was... Like the movie theaters were still terrified. What if people want to watch it in their houses? They won't buy popcorn anymore. And they... I mean, it's amazing how much has changed. You look at Netflix now and all this kind of stuff.

Oh, yeah, it's nuts. Like, yeah, it's crazy. I remember like... I remember being a kid and going to like the video store. We had this place called Jumbo Video. Right. Had like a big elephant in like the logo and stuff. So you'd go to Jumbo Video and it was this huge store.

Like, you know, you're talking like the biggest blockbuster you've ever been into. And there was free popcorn. There's a popcorn machine. So you could like fill up a little bag full of popcorn. And as you walked around and picked what movies you wanted to rent and stuff, you could, you're like eating popcorn. Wow.

There was an adult section in the back with a door that said like adults only. And there was like a big video game section. So like all like NES games, like Sega, Genesis and whatever, like Super Nintendo. And like, it was a big thing. Genesis and whatever, like Super Nintendo. And like, it was a big thing. Like on a Friday night, we'd go like after school, after dinner, drive down to the movie store.

My parents would rent like a bunch of movies. That must have been like heaven as a kid. I can imagine. It was great. Yeah, they had like, you know, rent six for the price of like three or whatever. So I get like a couple of games to like last me the weekend and stuff. that was just like it was like a pretty cheap way of like keeping your family entertained for like a weekend you know when i used to come over from the uk to the states one thing that always surprised me in the uk when you hired a vhs tape it was in like this protective fucking attache

case sized box right that had the cover and everything yeah and when we went to the states they were just in like a little card sleeve that fit right over the the tape and i was like aren't they aren't they worried about what'll happen to the precious copy of terminator 2 because i remember behind i was like what is this it's just like a sleeve like a torn up cardboard sleeve i couldn't believe it it was i couldn't believe it's culture couldn't believe it. It was culture shock. Complete culture shock. Remember, please be kind. Rewind. Remember the stickers? You had to rewind your VHS tapes before you took them back. Don't be a dick.

Rewind this flick. Some places, if you didn't rewind them, they'd charge you. Yeah, no rewind fee. Yeah, you returned a copy of Predator, and it was not rewound, so we've had to charge you 25 cents. But you had rewound Big Wet Asses to charge you 25 cents but you had rewound big wet ass is four so we'll let you off yeah jesus yeah fucking video stores they're all gone now every last one is gone blockbuster i remember i somebody retweeted a tweet from blockbuster from like it was like 2006

or something and blockbuster was like share with us your worst experiences with netflix like all the good ones get a free rental from blockbuster down with netflix and now it's like all right it's tragic i do wonder why they never got in on like that themselves like the the whole netflix because you remember like it what was it called love film i think you used to get a dvd in the post from love film and i think netflix did the same thing and blockbuster never really did it no they just didn't keep up with the times you know they had all of these franchises stores money everything and they just didn't invest any of that into future proofing their business in 2000, Netflix offered to be acquired by Blockbuster for $50 million.

Oh, my God. But Blockbuster declined. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's crazy, isn't it? I mean, I want to know which guy was like, no, they'll never catch on this internet and all these DVDs. Oh, garbage. Tape.

Tape is the future. Really? Crotchety old business, man. I mean, back back then Netflix was, it was like a DVD delivery service, right? At that point. It was like, it was done all through the mail and stuff. And I think it didn't have those letterboxes

that you had to drop your DVDs off or whatever in. Yeah. Remember? But you could post them back. Like it came with a reversible sleeve. So you took it out and then you reversed the sleeve and it had the return address on the other side. So you got your thing, you opened it up, you took out your DVD, you watched it, you put it back and then you reversed the sleeve and it had the return address on the other side so you you got your thing you opened it up you took out your dvd you watched it

you put it back in you flipped the sleeve over taped it down again and sent it off and that was it you just posted them back and then and the best thing was you could keep them as long as you liked up to a certain point and then when you send them off that's when they send the next batch if i went into blockbusters corporate hq was like guys i've got this great idea and you pitch that to them it's like you know the way you want to get people into your store uh well how about if we just went into blockbusters corporate hq was like guys i've got this great idea and you pitch that to them it's like you know the way you want to get people into your store uh well how about if we just sell them the dvds directly they just rent them directly they're like well they won't be in the store buying the ben and jerry's ice cream and and huge two liter thingies of coca-cola so

we're not interested i think that was it they obviously they're a lot of their margin must have come from the other shit they sold you in the store and the idea of losing that was terrifying and they did i mean i guess they couldn't do both because if you suddenly look but they should have diversified they just said you know what fuck it nobody's going to want to walk into this grimy video store when they could get it delivered to their house yeah well that's the thing you go in there if you go in there like if you went in there on a friday i used to work at blockbuster i actually worked at two blockbusters i I worked at one in Jersey when I was living over here. And then I worked at one in Orleans when I was living back in Ottawa. And when I heard that Blockbuster had gone bankrupt and they were going under, I wasn't surprised at all.

Because both of these Blockbusters that I worked at, you know, 4,000 miles away from each other, were both run so horrendously by the people that worked there. Like, the one that I worked at in Jersey had, like, three different managers because the other ones got fired for stealing, like, money from the safe. Yeah, they were super dodgy. I don't know why. What the fuck? And then the one that I worked at in Ottawa was, like,

wasn't much better. I think, like, one of the guys that was running the place was under investigation for some sort of sexual harassment or something. Jesus. But the same shit was going on. Tons of theft. You'd just watch people walk out of the store at night and they'd just be bags full of of like two liter bottles of coke and stuff you're like it you didn't pay for that like but they just whatever you know like we used to get free rentals and stuff i guess it's like it was crazy it's a weird thing it's a little bit like the whole like psychology of if if something's

something's clean already it's easy to keep it clean right if someone's like really really clean and nice people will not make it dirtier but as soon as it starts getting like a messy and shitty it will add so much more shit and i think like in a way like the seedy nature of the fact that you have to lend these tapes and boxes of cassettes to people and they come back from their house and they go out to their house again and out you know it's almost like these discs have been touched and handed around oh man we we had like we had like a common thing in both stores was with video games okay it was like playstation games you get a playstation game back you check it in you'd open the box and the disc wouldn't be the right game it would be

like so they kept like the good game like fifa fucking 2002 or whatever the new game they keep the disc but they would return the box with a disc in it hoping that you wouldn't check with like a playstation one game in there like you know like time cop or something like that and then you try to get a hold of these people and they wouldn't answer their phone or they'd change their number or something and they would just steal from you like they would just legitimately get away with stealing like from blockbuster and there's just nothing we could do i think that there's like i think that's that's obviously like a classic thing though it's like it's like it's like an understood thing that that's 25 loss or whatever yeah part like like i don't know what they call it grind or something

or churn they call it or something like churn maybe acceptable loss or whatever there's some weird like terminology to do with it and i think that's something that's always been dealt with but it's so deep i can imagine why the blockbuster stores became like a little bit seedy a little bit dirty because of that very nature i mean it's the opposite polar opposite somewhere like apple which is the products are so crisp and clean and you know that you don't set they never sell secondhand ones do they know what i mean of course so as a result, that whole store and that whole mantra becomes very crisp and clean as well. And it feels very... But going to a video store wasn't like a nice experience either.

Like the one that I described before where you get the popcorn and stuff when I was smaller, that was pretty good. But like when I was working at Blockbuster, like on a Friday night, it was just heaving in there because there was no alternative. Like if you wanted to watch something that wasn't available to buy straight away, you had to go rent a movie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like Friday night at like five o'clock, there'd be like a fucking line out the door. And like I think that's why like iTunes and Netflix, part of why they became so popular as well, because nobody wants to fucking stand around waiting to like watch like nodding hill like you know they turn up at like five o'clock so they make sure that they can get one of the thousands of copies that we we had in at the time because they would just like all rent out like almost instantly like a new release or

whatever and then they'd have to stand in line for like an hour with like fucking tired kids and stuff wait just waiting to like get to the checkout you know they didn't have any self checkouts or anything like that you just had to wait in a line and stuff and it's like oh my god you can see that like the whole thing i i'm surprised they didn't see it coming like i i can't imagine that anybody that ran that company didn't sort of look at it and just say fuck maybe we got to do something different like this can't this can't go on like this forever or whatever but obviously company didn't sort of look at it and just say, fuck, maybe we got to do something different. Like this can't go on like this forever or whatever. But obviously they didn't because now they're gone.

It's just nuts. Damn. Yeah. That was a really good, long, weird little discussion I really enjoyed. It was nice that it wasn't just about balls and dicks as well. Yeah, we moved on to some interesting chat. We managed to actually have an interesting chat about something that probably nobody gives a shit about. Very likely.

Being old people, we like that. Do we have a bodega? We do. Is it part 19-o? It's part 18. 18-o. Bodega. Part 18.

I don't like it, said Bodega, glaring out of the viewport on the bridge of the Disco Volante. it," said Bodega, glaring out of the viewport on the bridge of the Disco Volante. He stood, hands on hips, shaking his head, staring at his hideout that sat motionless in the small asteroid field. Maybe she's on vacation, said Nebbish. I don't think so. She'd have told me, replied Bodega. He ran his hand down one side of his face, then the other, and Nebbish thought for one moment he'd seen a tiny spark fly from Bodega's stubble.

Nebbish trusted Bodega's trouble sense more than he trusted the ship's sensors. He may have been a computer nut, but he also believed that evidence spoke for itself. Bodega was never wrong. If he thought there was trouble, there was trouble. End of story. Want to send Varu aboard? Check it out, asked Nebbish, cocking his head. Ain't fair to send him out there just because he's a robot, Nebb, said Bodega, turning and walking towards the cargo hold. He is a robot, though. Why risk a life? He ain't a robot. He's a friend of mine, said Bodega.

And that's that. Fine. Wish we had a drone or something, sighed Nebish. We'll go, called Bodega. And Rab too. And with that, Nebish could hear him readying his lasgun. Five minutes later, they filed out of the Gretham insertion shuttle. Rab had his gore hammer ready, Bodega his las rifle, and Nebbisch his needle pistol. Reed had been needed back at corporate HQ for some big meeting, so he wasn't present, and Vario was staying behind on the Grettham.

Sheila? Sheila? called Bodega, rifle raised. Reckon she'd take off. Been away for a few weeks, man, said Rab, checking the corners of the docking port while sipping from a can of spatial brew. The base wasn't large enough to accommodate the Disco Volante, but if there was trouble, Rab was glad they hadn't put all their eggs in this one basket. Something else I'm worried about, said Bodega. Paulus, bristled Rab, raising his hammer slightly. I got a message from Tan a couple days ago, said Bodega. Said he'd wired me the money up front. Half a billion skrills, Rab. That's the kind of money makes a friend an enemy. Where did you find Sheila anyway, asked Nebish.

Recruitment agency. Couldn't think of anyone I knew that would want to push papers and make scoffy all day, said Bodega ruefully. Flarv, what if she's done a runner with the skrills, asked Rab. If she did, I'll find her, said Nebish, smiling. Let's check the office, said Bodega. They carefully moved through the cramped base, checking corners and angles, wary and ready for battle. You guys check

Sheila's office. I'll check mine, said Bodega. Rab and Nebbish began turning over papers on Sheila's desk. Nebbish began checking her computer. As Bodega entered his office, he saw a note pinned to the whiteboard, a piece of paper folded in two. On the front it said Bodega, so Bodega lifted the folded flap. He heard a tiny snick sound. Behind the flap, embedded in the whiteboard, was a small green disc about the size of his palm. It had a digital readout on the front that flashed into life, displaying red numbers. 00.04. That's a bomb then, thought Bodega calmly. When everything was about to go flarvey, Bodega's mind became tranquil. This was partly a gift and partly training.

He'd also been in these kinds of situations so many times that he was able to assess each one with the detached nonchalance of a man mowing his lawn in his dressing gown. First things first, thought Bodega. Gotta seal this room. He glanced left and saw Rab about five meters away. Their eyes met for a split second and Rab instantly knew just how Flavie things were about to get. That big Tartanian lug had the instincts of a Zarkpovian genius leopard.

Bodega slapped the big red emergency vacuum seal button, and the door between him and Rab slammed shut with a surprisingly loud hiss and a hearty clonk. 00.03. Bodega began breathing as rapidly as he could. He was getting as much oxygen into his bloodstream as possible, because pretty soon he was going to have to empty his lungs, and last time he checked, three years ago, they still hadn't found a way to make space breathable. While he was doing this, he thumbed the wide-angle blast switch on his lasgun and turned towards the viewport at the back of the office. 00.02.

This was the spare second. Some more breathing. Bodega could see a small, car-sized asteroid behind the base through the viewport. He leaned backward as much as he could and raised one leg in the air like he was about to start some kind of crazy drunken marching. He raised the rifle. 00.01. Bodega exhaled as hard as he could until he started to see stars around his

peripheral vision. He pulled the trigger on the lasgun. The rear of the room vanished in a blinding flash and Bodega was blasted out into space along with everything around him. His desk, a moldy cup of scoffy, paperwork, his computer, a chair. 00.00 The tiny charge went off behind him but Bodega was already traveling so fast he never felt it. He felt all the moisture on his tongue evaporate and his eyeballs began to freeze over. He couldn't really see much of anything and for the first time he heard real silence. The true, total silence of the void. He also saw that asteroid coming up real fast at his 12 o'clock. He brought his feet together so he looked like some kind of insane cowboy missile system in

flight. His ground boots maybe had enough juice in them to slow him for impact. When the asteroid was scary close, he fired the boots by tapping the heels together just so. The g-force of the deceleration brought more stars to his already clouded vision, but a moment later he landed on the asteroid, a tiny plume of dust and pieces of rock erupting at his feet. He was about 5 seconds into this unwanted spacewalk, and he knew he had around 10-15 seconds left before he blacked out. He turned carefully to look back towards the base. One side of it was spewing gas into the void, and it lifted badly, tumbling slowly so that it was about to go end over end. He could see the Disco Volante parked up around a kilometre away. He had to cross that distance soon, or he was going to die

of being in space. Being in space was farving awful it was insanely cold but he could also feel his skin burning badly from sunburn his tongue was bone dry his eyes freezing over like a windshield on a frosty morning he was also starting to see beads of blood spill out into space presumably from his body hell he needed that red stuff inside him he was pretty sure keep it it together, party, told himself. Bending down carefully, he reached into his sock and pulled out a tiny shock charge. These things were mostly used for building entry. The blast was shaped so that a wave of force could be thrust through a wall to stun people on the other side.

If he could plant the charge facing outwards, it might be able to get this little roid moving towards the disco. He slapped the charge on a spot he felt pretty sure was in line with the ship and ripped the go-cord. A moment later, it went off silently, and Bodega noted with detached interest that the roid was now rocketing through space towards his ship, but was off-angle by about 20 degrees. Close enough, maybe. He saw the Gretham spiral out of the dying station and begin burning away. The disco fired up his engines,

and he saw it turning rapidly on the spot like a carousel. Varu looking for him. No time to run a scan, the robot was eyeballing it. Five seconds left, till Bodega blacked out. The Disco was around half a click now. He fired his Lasgun wildly into space, trying to get Varu's attention. It worked. The Disco froze for a moment, then burned hard towards him. With the last of the juice in the scramboots, Bodega launched himself off his rocky steed and held one arm out in front. He guessed because his brain was saying,

Pard, that ship is moving awful fast towards you, as he began to black out before seeing Varu in the cockpit of the disco, and then nothing. Bodega awoke, feeling swollen and extremely flarvey in his bed aboard the disco volante. His friends gathered around him like a bunch of old grandmothers. Bodega sat up stiffly in bed. He looked around the room, blinked his scratchy eyes a few times. Okay, we got a new mission, fellas, he rasped.

I've decided I want to get my dog back. The end. Oh, Bodega. Bodega, that was glorious. That's a good one. That was glorious. That's a good one. That was tense. I like countdown episodes like that. You like countdowns?

Love a good countdown. I love a good countdown. I like a countdown, yeah. I like the space bit. I think I just like the words you choose for stuff. I really like the way... Rocky's steed and stuff. Yeah, and stuff like the Dis like the way rocky stuff like yeah and stuff like like the

disco volante burned towards him that's like really nice kind of like space space description yeah it's really really really um really kind of like succinct you know really nice nicely chosen not wasting too many words i like it a lot while we're on compliments man i saw a picture of you the other day and i thought you know what this guy would look great in like a calendar next to no clothes on i think i'd have to wax my forearms to get in lewis's calendar apparently he likes a shorn a shorn arm it's not gonna happen yeah you'd have to smear vitamins all over yourself that is a thing all right well listen thank you everybody for this is a thing. All right. Well, listen, thank you, everybody, for this Travels podcast this week. I hope you enjoyed it.

We'll see you next time. Thanks. Cheers. Bye. Peace.