Triforce! - Triforce! #39: My Fel Child

Episode Date: April 5, 2017

Continued Personal Trainer abuse, surviving a plane crash and disciplining your kids properly! After a Canadian holiday, the Triforce is back!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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to the Triforce podcast. It's been a while, and it's Lewis' fault. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah, yeah. He was away on vacation and he had to like go do some skiing or something i don't know i prefer you know what this is to blame like rather than it's lewis's it's all lewis's you'd rather you'd rather be blamed than than be at fault yeah what's the difference i don't know i just like hearing the word and and lewis is to blame i just like my ass hurts and lewis is to blame lewis is to blame i think it

sounds less childish than it's so-and-so's fault like if you say it's his fault it sounds like something my father does it's like he he did it wasn't me it was all down to lewis yeah lewis lewis cucked us for like two weeks first and then with the podcast. How was Vancouver? Talk it up. Have you guys ever experienced the joys of business class air travel? I have. Oh, my goodness. One time. Yeah. One time for me as well.

Just once. I say once. It was there and back. It was the same. The first time I've ever been in business and it was anything other than premium economy, which I think is pretty premium usually. No more. No more. No more do you think of premium.

You've got to get on Hat Films' level, man. Like they travel business everywhere they go. I know they do. I don't even know how they manage to do it. Like they're not even like that big or anything. They're just like... It's like their kind of retainer or whatever. It's like on their showrunner.

What's it called? I think they say metal bands have a wave our fee but just upgrade us to business class so that's pretty much all they want a rider a rider that's what it is and i guess that works makes sense because it's they're riding on the plane so no it's it was it was great we went to the plane got delayed for five hours we went to whistler they swapped the plane out for a bigger plane. Nice. And there were not enough seats in premium economy. So we all got upgraded to business. We were all sitting in different places, which was great.

Because I didn't have to sit with Duncan and Chin for the whole time. And I got about four hours sleep, which was absolutely heavenly. Because then when we got to Whistler, up at the top of the mountains in Canada, we woke up really early because of jet lag. And we went straight out and we skied. And it was glorious. It was great. Nice.

You guys finally went on your skiing trip. The one that like Shin has been talking about for three years. That's exactly right. We finally did it. We finally managed to get out onto slopes for two days and Duncan, poor old Duncan, he couldn't, never been before and just spent the whole time falling on his ass. I've got this glorious picture on my phone of him face planting face did you have sore legs after you were done skiing and snowboarding i didn't actually because i've had i've been going to the old um gym and so of course yeah

the gym yeah so i went to the gym yesterday saw my personal trainer i got a story got a story about oh jesus okay let's hear it um here it comes so basically you know going there and um i get there like you know normally normal time nine o'clock and uh did you just walk in and you say hey what's up dick face i'm back from my my my vacation that i it was a really lavish one too i bet you've never been on one of those is that like your opening thing uh to him yeah pretty much just like i was just trying to think of like the most inappropriate thing you could say to him. The really cocky,

like nod and wink, you know? Right. Okay. Yeah. Good. And of course he's chatting away with this young looking blonde girl in a tight track suit or whatever.

Right. And I was like, okay. And so then, so then we start working out and stuff. And he says, he says, I, I, my really, i tore one of my glutes right did he request that you rub his glute better yeah um and i was like oh and then um did you have to massage his torn glute so i said did you get that from all the gay sex

So I said, did you get that from all the gay sex? You did not. You fucking did not. There's no fucking way you did. I did. No, you didn't. There's no way you said that. You're a functioning human being, Lewis. I don't believe this story right off the bat. Now, what had happened that like five minutes before that was- This sounds so outlandish. You have to, like, you honestly, you have to record it to prove it now.

This is genuinely true and then what happened five minutes before that was um he a woman had like approached us okay like like way too old to look like she's being the gym um and she was like so so like a blonde woman wearing like a sort of baggy tracksuit and she she said do you know anything about hands to my to my to my trainer to david's yeah and david was like what do you mean and she said well i've got this lump on my hand and it really hurts when i lift weights and stuff and he was like oh well you might have fractured your little bone in your wrist you need to be careful with that so go and have a go and have an x-ray and she was like okay thanks for the thanks for tipping she's

probably a tendon so so when i when i said to him um you know is that from all the gay sex you've been having after he told me about his torn butt muscle yeah um he said i have a girlfriend you know you met her earlier and i said you're going out with that old woman no fucking way this is all this is all in your fucking dreams man there's no way you said this stuff to this guy like you don't even know how many times you've been in the gym now let's can we get like what four five times maybe i've been like you're not you're not on you're not on terms with this guy where you can say this shit to him we are now fine we are now fine he cracked a smile and he was like no the girl earlier and then we had a little laugh about it and it was fine it was fine it was actually fine okay

damn you know how he tore a glute because when when he's been working with you he has to go and work out so fucking hard to get all his anger out yeah right he's tearing he probably fucking strangles his girlfriend like every goddamn day And then screams your name at the same time She asked for that though So it's fine That's the thing Don't ever do that by the way I think that's really dangerous

I see this though No choking like your girlfriend I saw this I saw this whole string of like Memes about on Imgur And it, and all of it was just about women saying, choke me and stuff. I was like, Jesus, do people? Don't just, okay, do whatever you want in your own bedrooms, but be careful out there, folks.

The thing is, you know what? You shouldn't do whatever you want in your own bedroom, because what if you wanted to murder someone? Don't do that. Don't do anything against the law in your own bedroom. You shouldn't really do that. Don't murder people. And don't choke them. Don't choke them.

That's really personal. I think if you are going to murder someone, shoot them from like 300 meters away or something. Like, don't fucking choke them or stab them. That's even worse. That's nasty. Man, just get a sniper rifle or a hunting rifle or something and do it that way oh god you can imagine i mean if i was gonna get killed i'd want it to be from a mile away i don't even see it coming just my head just snaps and it's all over rather than someone up close can

smell their breath as they're hunched over me wrangling the life out of me if i'm if i'm gonna go i just want to be vaporized like vaporized i don't even want to know where it comes from i want it to be like instantaneous i don't want there to be any chance that i'm going to survive with like you want to be vaped i want to be vaped i want to just i can do it i want to disappear into a cloud instantly i don't want any like residual like oh he made it somehow but he can't use his arms or his legs ever again or anything like that i don't want that shit like i just yeah when i go i want to go i want to go big you don't want to come around and be in a barrel yeah just a man that lives in a barrel full of liquid yeah

yeah not a glass jar they couldn't get a jar they're like there's too much of you left to fit in all the jars we've got so we had to go with a wooden barrel with no windows. You just live in there now. Same with like a really bad crash. Like if you were in a plane and it crashed in the ocean or like somewhere in the middle of nowhere, vaporize me at that point. I do not want to be, I do not want to survive that because that is even worse, I think, than dying. because that is even worse i think than than dying like you know fucking having to like hold on to a piece of the the wing and float to shore over the course of two weeks or something like that you know in shark infested waters and it gets dark and cold in the atlantic ocean or or the pacific i

guess you know what i mean like i'm not that survivor i that's not me just just just vaporize me every time, okay? I don't want to like black out in fear or anything like that. I just want to be vaporized. That's all you can hope for, I think. I was reading about this girl that fell two kilometers. Her plane broke up in midair. They were flying over the Amazon jungle.

This is a true story. You can look this up. And it was made into a shitty movie, I believe. The plane breaks up and crashes. There's a shitty movie i believe the plane breaks up and crashes there's like 87 people on board 86 of them die her she's in her seat plummeting towards the jungle canopy in her seat obviously thinking well this is this is it i mean this sucks there's no way she was she was she was conscious for the jungle canopy broke her fall and i mean i you know when people say you black out, I would be so terrified.

I think I'd probably stay awake for that. I think, I mean, not everyone has a Sipsian reaction to danger where you just faint. I think a lot of people would just be going, ah, the whole way. And when there's a video of that guy who's parachuted. Your brain is crazy. Okay. Your brain does some weird stuff. And part of your brain's way of coping is to just sometimes cause you to black out it's the reason that you black

out because you're being choked by something i don't i don't think that you're getting choked during a two kilometer drop from a plane that's just broken up in midair that's just a waste of time whoever's choking you i mean you're clearly gonna die like i think i think you got bigger fish to fry at that point it's like someone on fire being eaten by a shark and you're there just choking them as well just on the way down you're like oh my god i'm gonna die i might as well just quickly have get get myself off you know and you start choking yourself and like there's no way people think that like that's the last thing on your mind you're not feeling sexy at that point when you're faced with the jungle canopy hang on a second let's just carry on this so she doesn't undo the seat belt she just thinks

i'm gonna stick i mean for one thing she's like fucking paralyzed with fear of course she doesn't undo the seat belt she's in the in the position the crash crash position you know like when you put your hands when she left the plane i'm sure'm sure the fastening seatbelt was on, right? Until she sees that light come off, that seatbelt stays on. Or until she lands. How does a plane break up in midair, though? What is that? Like just too much turbulence or something?

Do you think she like takes a cheeky vape or something as well? She's like, oh, well, you know, I'm outside now. There's not going to be any plane. I can finally have a quick vape. She's in free fall, Lewis. She's in free fall. She. She's in free fall. She's like screaming her head off. Is she, though?

Or is she like, I'm down dead now. Of course she fucking is. Resigned to it. And she's like, maybe the reason she survived was because she did choke herself off, had time to get relaxed. She did. She like, vaped a bit. And then she loosened up.

And then when she fell, she was really loose. And so she just bounced. Man, it's not it's not a fucking episode of roadrunner where he's falling down and he busts out the picnic basket and you know plays the violin and stuff like she crashes screaming the whole time yeah she's terrified but the jungle canopy breaks her fall so she lands she starts she starts walking and she realizes hang on a second is she stuck in a tree no no it just crashes through so she's on the floor of the jungle now she's kind of injured she's fucked up her arm she's crushed like she like landed on a fucking bunch of monkeys or some fucking

rainforest yeah yeah so she gets up and she she finds the river and she realized she knows okay rivers flow down to the sea right i'm sure there's some people living by the sea at the end of this river or maybe i'll see someone along the way yeah so she just starts floating down the river She knows, okay, rivers flow down to the sea. I'm sure there's some people living by the sea at the end of this river. Well, maybe I'll see someone along the way. So she just starts floating down the river. Like she just floats. In the fucking rainforest. You float down a river.

Hell no. There's piranhas in there. You don't do that. She had no choice. And with a fucked up arm too. Was she bleeding? It was getting very bad. There was maggots in it and everything like that.

Was she checking herself as well? she was it was getting very bad it was there was maggots in it and everything like that she's getting she's constantly being bothered by a small lebanese child who'd also crashed with her who kept choking her and badgering her about masturbating when she yeah for some reason masturbation so she's she's using the airplane seat as some sort of surrogate canoe and i don't know they interview her after the fact and they say what's the worst part of your whole ordeal she's like you know what i could just about handle the broken arm and the free fall for two kilometers with the canopy breaking my fall and the piranha infested river and the maggots in my arm there was this really fucking annoying guy badgering me to start masturbating the whole time I was surviving. That was the worst

part. She's vaping as she goes down the river like a sort of old steamer. Like one of those gambling ships. I'm a boarder, we got poker! So she finally gets to this wood shack that was sort of used for some logging or something in the Amazon. But it was abandoned.

So she goes in there. For cocaine production. Cocaine production. She stumbles across a cartel cocaine plant. Oh, man. But yeah, they rescued her and she lived. It was fucking nuts. Fuck me, man.

Like, we're joking, but holy shit. Yeah, it's crazy. I hope that woman is not listening to us i don't talk about her right now because that's really if you are well done that was really impressive yeah you did a good job and they saved her arm and they saved her arm by the way not sure about the logic behind getting in the river but still well she did you know she had to go past all the alligators and all that shit but i don't know what else what other she had. Imagine just having to walk through the Amazon, dude. You'd never make it.

There's no way. I would just, I would, I would hope that I landed in a tree and I'd stay up in the tree and I'd wait for like some people to come by, you know, like, you know, some intrepid explorers or whatever. And I'd call down, I'd say, hey, hey, help me. My plane broke up and the canopy broke my fall. I've been up here for a year. I need some help

or and that's how i would get out of get out of the i'd be dead man i i wouldn't even start walking like i would be so fucking scared of like everything that happened and everything that was ahead of me as well honestly i think i would have died midair though i would have blacked out and died probably my god probably so everyone in vancouver was like smoking weed right yeah just so you know duncan was obviously vaping everyone was vaping smith got a vape pen given to him by a guy who was like marketing a new series of vape pens and had this brand new like really trendy looking vape pen now you were thinking about getting a vape pen weren't you sips yeah i want to get the one smith's got because you said that he was high the whole time well here's the thing right so smith's vape pen had like whatever whatever weed liquid you get

that liquid weed yeah i don't know like thc i don't know what it is but it was full of that and um obviously they couldn't like take it home or anything so they were feeling like oh better better get some better get better use this up while we're here. I don't know how much to tell like about Hatfield's. I don't know. I don't know how much to tell about this because I don't know how, Oh, fuck it.

I'm just going to tell what happened. They got high and they started blowing each other everywhere. Not really. They, they, they, not really. I mean,

Duncan was vaping away anyway right and there was this one point where um we were talking about it and duncan said literally verbatim he said i vaped on a kid earlier and it was good what does that mean well yes it was basically i think he was just vaping in the you know releasing some extremely ripping some fat clouds in the middle of vancouver right i think a child just walked through a big strawberry cloud nice um duncan you know, releasing some extremely, ripping some fat clouds in the middle of Vancouver. Right. I think a child just walked through a big strawberry cloud. Nice.

Duncan felt bad for a second, and then noticed that the kid actually quite enjoyed it. So I don't know. Anyway, Vancouver, full of people smoking weed everywhere. Weed seems like it's about to be legal. Well,

it is. It's like in Canada next year, it's going to be like all over the country, apparently. So I guess people are just getting ready. so well it is like in canada next year it's going to be like all over the country apparently so so i guess people are just i'm not getting getting ready huge knowledgeable weed guy right that's not my forte i don't smoke a lot of weed i don't kind of i never really have i'm not one of these guys who's obsessed with it like some people are and um i'm sure it's good it's good for people who enjoy it blah blah whatever i'm not i'm not i'm not, look, I'm not an expert, okay?

Anyway, I said to Smith, like, how high are you right now out of 10? And he was like, oh, about 6 or 7. And so he was pretty high. So he was like, let's go to this Amsterdam cafe, which is this place where they all smoke weed. Right. We were like, sure, let's go. And so on the way, you know, I had a fews of his um vape pen his weed weed vape pen yeah and so did everyone else and so we were all having like a little bit of uh we were getting a little

bit high and we went to this um this amsterdam cafe and it was like it was a shop that was just full of bongs on one side of the room like like a bong collection. Like shishas and stuff. Yeah. They have those pucks and everything. It looked like a glass dildo fucking wall. Have you ever tried a shisha, though? They're nice, man. They're really good.

Aren't they like 40 cigarettes in one breath or something? No, it's not. It's like a tobacco. It's like a scented or flavored tobacco puck that you put it's really cool because it's water filtered so it's yeah they're great they're very relaxed it's nice it's really nice it's like it's it's it kind of it it feels a bit like vaping actually yeah yeah it's very similar but it's like this huge gigantic like middle eastern apparatus instead of uh you know just a little trendy pen or whatever and the guy comes and puts the little disc.

Yeah, he puts that little thing on. What flavor would you like? Apricot. And he goes, bonk, and puts a little disc on it, starts it going, and away you go. It's good. Yeah, and it makes a cool sound when you take a hit from it. It goes like... Yeah, that's good. You'd like it, I think, Lewis. You'd like it. The whole atmosphere is really nice, too.

You sit in a room. Instead of tables and stuff, they just got pillows like on the ground you just like chill out and have you know some falafel and well I mean I heard they were incredibly unhealthy like I heard they were like way worse than cigarettes oh come on there's nothing worse than cigarettes yeah they put in cigarettes fuck me like tar and everything in there like it's okay well i don't know i'm not an expert but i'm i'm uh my body's a temple boys you know so yeah a little cheeky vape once once in a while it's okay but i don't want to like fucking smoke on a hookah or anything jesus um a hookah i don't know what it's how it's pronounced uh so anywho uh we went

to this place and it was just full of people clearly very very stoned very very chilled out people right who were all very you know all the all of them were on their phones okay clearly watching some something from like um r slash mildly interesting or whatever all right and so we got we got stowed and then we went to this fucking restaurant it was it was nice um we went to what restaurant did you go to mcdonald's what'd you get 30 chicken nuggets oh man if you're gonna smoke weed that's what you got to follow up with you gotta you gotta get like 20 cheeseburgers for 99 cent cheeseburgers or something like we basically had like the most stoner conversation ever you know you know like i think at one point i i remember a couple of things one thing one thing that i said

was lobster because smith thought like macaroni cheese with lobster and it's a classic american thing right right um i said lobster is prawn steak oh and everyone was like oh my god that's the most profound thing in the world everyone thought that was the most profound thing anyone had ever said right um i know that was the kind of state we were in when this was you guys were you guys were were smoking a vape smithy's vape that was given to him yeah that had weed juice in it this is the story yes right that's that's literally it are you high right now no i'm not i'm not very well right now because of flipping flying back you know i always get like airplane colds right you're like george costanza you know that you you remind me of george costanza saying inappropriate things to people that

jerry would be like george you can't talk to them like that i told him i told him i don't like his face and he's got an old girlfriend that's you your relationship with the gym guy yeah awkward silences go into a a place to smoke weed it's all very very costanza it's right out of his playbook very costanza it's very it's very very true you know what i was i was thinking the other day this is when i saw a tweet that sips has made this is a complete change of subject but it really made me laugh because we do this quite often on the podcast i've noticed what is our references are tragically sort of out of date so you made a reference to smithy i think it was something

he was wearing and you referred to him as punky brewster right so that was a show that aired in like the mid to late 80s and i instantly knew what you meant but i'm thinking like 90 percent of the people who watch the girl the girl that played punky brewster was blossom though right no that was selene moon fry was the girl who played Punky Brewster. And Blossom was played by, wait, don't tell me, Jesus, what was her name? Rene Russo. No, it wasn't Rene Russo. Mayim Bialik. They look similar though, right?

No, they're really completely different. Mayim Bialik is the girl, she's in Third Rock from the Sun. She's the same age as Soleil Moon Frye. Soleil Moon Frye is beautiful. Like, she's a beautiful woman. What, the one that plays Blossom? No, the one that plays Punky Brewster. Like, if you look at a picture of her now, she's 40. She's like,

she's born, she's like slightly older than me. She is gorgeous. She's absolutely gorgeous. May I be like, not so much. But she's nice. But she's not like a looker, you know? Okay, Punky Brewster, now 2016. Images. Oh, yeah, no, that's not P not. She looks a bit like

Alanis Morissette, doesn't she? Yeah, she does. She has that Alanis Morissette look. But I don't hate her. Like, I hate Alanis Morissette. Is she recently pregnant? There's lots of pictures here of her pregnant. Oh, damn. Well, that's over. She's got four kids! Wow. That's why there's so many

pictures of her pregnant. It's hard to take a picture of her when she's not fucking pregnant. Jesus Christ. I think it's interesting. take a picture of her when she's not fucking pregnant Jesus Christ I think it's interesting, I was watching The Simpsons I know we talk about The Simpsons a lot but I was watching it the other day with my kids and there were a number of references in it I mean, I know my kids won't get them but I think most people who aren't in their late 30s

or 40s would even get I remember watching them at the time and being confused references to Steve Allen Steve Allen was a funny he was a comedian in the 70s i know yeah well i mean simpson has like tons of references to like reagan and nixon and like all these like old ass presidents that like but that's because the guys that were making the show were like our age now and they were like what's funny oh yeah steve allen yeah let's joke about steve allen mad magazine alf like there are jokes about alf nobody's seen alf in like 20 years oh i used to And they were like, what's funny? Oh, yeah, Steve Allen. Yeah, let's joke about Steve Allen. Mad Magazine. ALF.

Like, there were jokes about ALF. Nobody's seen ALF in, like, 20 years. Oh, I used to watch ALF all the time, though. I fucking love that show. It was really good. I know my kids would watch it now. I guarantee you they would watch ALF now, even though it's fucking awful. But I know they'd watch it.

But there's, like, certain shows that did really well over here. Like, my wife says that, that like rosanne used to be on all the time over here it was like it was pretty popular uh like the cosby show but i guess the cosby show is pretty popular like more or less it was huge yeah it was yeah yeah and um and frazier as well she said frazier was just like super big over here too yeah and friends friends was really big over here but seinfeld not so much seinfeld was huge in north america but not not so much in the uk people didn't like it was too too american honestly too american i think too i don't know i would have thought that friends would have been

as well friends was like fucking ultra american it's like elevator music comedy it's like super super appealing like no you don't even really notice it's there it's just my sister by the way is fucking obsessed with friends like she knows She's seen every episode probably like a hundred times, knows the show inside. And I'm like, really? Friends? Like, it's okay. It's not offensive.

If it's on sometimes, it'll occasionally make me laugh, but I would never like follow it religiously. Friends and Seinfeld and shows like that are just still in like massive syndication in the US. They're like on tv all the fucking time fresh prince of bel-air as well oh god but but do you know what do you know what a lot of people liked friends that you wouldn't have thought would like it because to me it and this is going to sound sexist it always seemed like more of a sort of a show that girls

would be super super into and and you know i mean i i thought that maybe you think that was unfair but when my wife was at university the guy in the next room from her she remembers one time she she was she was walking past his bedroom when he was watching friends and she could hear the title music and you know the that bit yeah he clapped along with it in his room and i remember thinking all right he he wouldn't have done that with the door open he would have been embarrassed if he clapped along the theme of friends that's pretty good yeah it's funny like it's weird i remember like i've probably said this like many times but i remember like growing up on thursday night you had it was it

was crazy like prime time tv on a thursday night you had new simpsons when simpsons was like pretty good yeah you had new friends and then new seinfeld like those three shows huge shows all with like new episodes on a thursday night man like if you went outside when those shows were on it was like a ghost town like no everybody was inside watching tv like when those shows were on it was and we're like back to back that's not a thing now like being being in at a certain time to watch a show you just watch it on catch up just record it yeah. Yeah, I guess everybody just watches it like whenever. Like I barely watch any TV now. I just watch stuff on the internet like all the time now.

Yeah, I do still watch regular TV with the kids. Like I'll just stick it on and we'll watch something. So there were two shows that we watched. Yeah, but that's like kids TV though, right? No, no, no. They've actually started to get an interest in non-kids TV. Really? Yeah, stuff that I had no idea that they would like. For example,

there's this show called, it's called something like The Repair Shop. And it's this really, really ultra gentle show. I guess it's towards dinner time or around just post-dinner time. It's for old people, basically.

I think it was on BBC Two. And basically there's this, it's a big setup. It's like all these shows. They have this house. It's got the repair shop on the outside. It's in a beautiful scenic area. It's like BBC stuff. And what happens is they, it's a big setup. It's like all these shows. They have this house. It's got the repair shop on the outside. It's in a beautiful scenic area.

It's like BBC stuff. And what happens is they've got like a guy who specializes in repairing clocks and a woman who specializes in restoring things and make, but still making them look old. There's a guy who's like a seamster and a guy is a carpenter. And they're like- It sounds like something Lewis would write. Right.

They're like this vaguely, very gently wacky band. Like one of them wears a funny hat. And people come in and they're like this what is this vaguely very gently wacky band like one of them wears a funny hat and people come in and they're like i've got this old clock that my grandfather left me stop working like oh we'll have a look at it and someone came in and said oh this was a piano stool that i used to sit on with my grandmother could you restore it like yeah sure the kids were fucking gripped and i was like kids what are you really this oh we love it we love it don't change the channel they watched the whole thing like the tension this guy has this whole clock you can see him undoing it with a tiny screwdriver now oh here are the gears and the cogs these will be tricky but i'll do it and then they cut away to someone cutting up some fabric and they were just in seventh heaven they

fucking loved it i was really surprised it's weird because like because there's a like a four year difference between my two kids like my son wants i think my son would be up for watching different stuff right you know like i don't think he necessarily would just sit around watching kids tv all day like he wants to watch stuff on youtube he's got this friend at school who's like obsessed with five nights at freddy so he comes home every day and he's like hey dad can i watch five nights at freddy i'm like no don't fucking watch that why you don't want to watch that anyway oh my god that is so weird because i know i know there's a there was a door there was a girl in my daughter's class again so they were like seven and she her oldest sister

would play the game with her friends and that she would watch that's it again she was obsessed i know and she she described the characters to my daughter and i didn't know about this conversation my daughter comes home with her little coloring book she's got with her or you know like a sketchbook she's got with her. And I'm like, that's a character from Five Nights at Freddy's. I'm like, where the hell did you see that? She goes, oh, my friend told me about it. It was amazing.

Like, she should be a fucking police sketch artist, because she's never played the game, but she knew. And I was like, that's exactly what he looks like. It was that horrible fucking creepy bear from... Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that, like, scares people and people scream or whatever. So, like, my son doesn't know what it was that horrible fucking creepy bear from yeah yeah yeah yeah the one that's like scares people and people scream or whatever so like my son doesn't know what it is he has no

idea like he's never seen any videos of it on youtube or whatever he just has this friend at school who's got an older brother who like talks about it all the time so he comes to school and he talks about it all the time and he's seen it or whatever so my so my son is like oh can i watch five nights freddy's like no no you can oh can i watch five nights freddy's like no no you can't really watch five nights of freddy's like i don't even really know who's playing that game and stuff and like you don't want to waste your time watching that anyway watch something else sort of thing but then we go to the toy store is it properly a scary thing or is it like a goosebumps or is it like a properly scary thing i have no fucking idea have you never seen

the game i know about the game but i've never played it or seen anyone play it. I've seen other people play it. And basically, you control the security cameras. And you have to try and you can close certain doors and turn on certain lights and stuff from your control desk. And all you can see is the cameras. And when you're like looking away, you'll look back and the dolls moved. Because the gist is it's like, what was that? Chuck E. Cheese, right? It was the restaurant in the States, I think.

And you'd go there for pizza and they had these animatronics and stuff. So the gist is you're there to mind them over the weekend or whatever. But a lot of other people have tried and obviously they've failed. So you have to try and survive five nights at Freddy's restaurant without the dolls killing you, right?

But it is genuinely scary. It is genuinely scary. It's like a jump screamer terrifying like ah kind of thing they pop up and you die okay but but listen they have fucking toys of it now in the toy store so like so we go to the toy store and he sees this stuff we're like all right you want to get something you want maybe get like a transformer or something like you know we went we took him to the toy store to get him something because he had like some vouchers that he got for his birthday from like this fucking aunt who lives in like croatia or whatever um and so we took him and we're like you want to get like a star wars guy

or something he's like no no look look what they have like what like looking around there's like my little pony and stuff and then i fucking see it it's like just just stupid fucking bear from five nights at freddy's like that's that's timber or whatever his name is my friend told me all about him he's the best can i get that i was like no don't fucking spend your money on you don't even know what that is you've never even seen it before like why would you buy that but he was like dead set on getting it and then we had to like convince him to just like get something else or or like we took them upstairs in the toy store like oh look at this stuff he's like oh yeah yeah i like that i'm gonna get that instead it was like weird it's so weird to them yeah well listen but but but but

i mean i used to watch like when i was a kid you know doctor who was was a scary thing and there were certain things that you know you watch from behind the sofa kind of thing and it was okay like a lot of kids stuff is gross or kind of spooky and the goosebumps books i mean i'm using them as the main example i guess but like is five nights at freddy's like are we talking about like adult nerds buying these toys but they're accidentally being put in the kids section or no i don't think so i think these are genuinely like kids things i think okay so is five nights at freddy's supposed to be okay for kids to play? Like, or not? I'm not sure.

I honestly, I don't know. And you know what? I'm never going to find out either because I don't really care either. I just, I don't know how, it's like the hype of something that gets kids obsessed with it. It's crazy. I don't know whether you're just being grumpy around it for the sake of being grumpy around it though because like you're like a grumpy dad i'd like that though sometimes like something like a grumpy dad yeah yeah i just feel like there's like better things that he could be into yeah he should be into star wars i mean

watching like you know anakin getting like burned in a fire and killing children you know maybe not not that specific part like unlike luke having his hand cut off and all that stuff yeah just like pretty cool like you know it's probably better than five nights at freddy's i guess there's fairly horrifying bits in star wars though like for a kid you know mild horror yeah you know what maybe i'm wrong maybe i should just fucking embrace five nights atights at Freddy's and get him into it. I'll just subject him to all of the fucking screaming man children on YouTube who play it and stuff. And fucking buy him the toys and shit and let him go to school and talk about it.

And maybe he can fucking enlist some other kids into it and stuff as well. That's probably pretty good. Form a little Five Nights at Freddy's cult. Hell yeah. Why not? That sounds fantastic. I think you Nights at Freddy's cult. Hell yeah. Why not? It sounds fantastic. I think you should just... That's the problem.

You can raise your kid as well as you like, but some other piece of shit out there will raise their kid to be a real son of a bitch with no hope, and your kid will befriend that person and your kid will be corrupted. Yeah, to be like a corrupt, like a fell, my fell child.

It's all thanks to this other kid's older brother who was obsessed with five nights at freddy's but no i know it's just interesting how how obsessed they can get about things yeah that they they know literally nothing about like i guess they just like the idea of it or maybe they like that you know they that their friend tells them about it or whatever but yeah it's such a such a powerful thing that they want to like get like toys of it and stuff and they just don't know you know like he's never seen anything to do with it like i i think he'd actually probably be a bit scared oh yeah if he watched it kids are weird the stuff they get into it's weird you can't really predict it it's yeah

it's really weird but um but like because there's a gap my daughter is still very small she's like 17 months old so and she's just starting to now recognize characters like on you know cbbs or whatever um so we generally still have that on all the time sort of thing because she you know she can't really yeah watch anything else too much but yeah so my son like complains about it a little bit you know he's like oh fuck i don't want to watch in the night garden or whatever but then when it's on he's just like yeah like totally watching it i mean my two are a little older so i've got one is five and a five and a bit and the other one is nearly eight so they're a little closer they can

play together now for hours perfectly happily and they can watch the same shows and stuff like that nice you know the younger one kind of has to try and keep up a bit but i i think that's a good thing like it's good for her to have to keep up the older the older one explains shit to her anyway so it's like it's cool yeah they do still sometimes watch like if they've got the remote they'll sometimes go to the baby channel which is literally i don't know who the fuck makes this stuff some poor animator somewhere who's just like oh god so man you poor animator my ass you you know how many fucking views this shit gets on youtube like these people are minted making like baby shows and nursery rhymes and stuff fuck me it's crazy it's just nuts it's like those toy unboxing channels where all

they do is buy a toy and just open the box and they get like five million views more than that some of those have like fucking 200 million views it's insane it's just nuts yeah like but it's the it's i think it's the culture now like everybody's got an like an ipad or some sort of tablet at home and everybody uses them now to like you know just control their kids somewhat like if they need a minute to like do the dishes or they need to make a phone call or something you just shove your kid on a tablet and say oh here i hate that you see these people on the plane and they just stick their kid their kids are there or anything i mean i see people they're getting in the car and they the moment the kid gets in the car they ipad ipad no i guess so there's two kids in the back seat with the ipad when we go for a drive we're listening to music we're talking and you know we try to have a conversation we don't just give them a fucking ipad and the thing is they can go like my kids will go two three

hours in a car no problem because they've never had to be like we've never gone for this whole we better entertain them if they act up you just tell them to shut up and sit still like i always say i will stop this car and leave you on the side of the road and they believe me and i would do it we're the same we don't really we don't really have like anything that we we hook them into sort of thing but like i don't like it um occasionally like if they're you know especially like when they're really young right like my daughter is still like really young so like she wants to walk places now right if she if she's got it in her mind that she's walking somewhere and you're trying to get her into like her her buggy or like into a car

seat or something like that and she just fucking starts screaming sometimes you have to have something you need something like you need like a bartering tool but luckily it's never like a phone or an ipad or whatever usually we just have like a snack or something that we bring along with us that's the thing yeah yeah yeah like and sometimes it's like you know it's it's like it's like grapes cut in half but we make it look more interesting by putting it into like a container that's got like two lids and stuff like that so then she's like it just stops dead in her tracks yeah oh man fucking kids like they're tricky sometimes they're funny but you you do develop like lots of techniques and stuff oh yeah like along the way you know you know that's the other thing my kids kids like they're tricky sometimes they're funny but you you do develop like lots of techniques

and stuff oh yeah like along the way you know you know that's the other thing my kids like watching talking about about like behavior and stuff you know super nanny do you remember that show yeah they love it because my kids are both like genuinely this isn't i'm not bragging i'm just being honest they are so fucking well behaved it's ridiculous my kids are incredibly well behaved mainly because i'm a strict dad right and i watched super nanny before i had kids and i was like fuck yeah these kids are gonna get disciplined to shit like there's no fucking around these kids are gonna be well behaved and you see these parents and they're so well-meaning they're like i don't want to tell them off because i don't want them to hate me and you're like geez that that's i get that that's

like a natural reaction or i i just want them to you know i'm worried that what one day they'll grow up and they'll leave that was another thing that one of the mums said and she was very tearful so she like babied her kids excessively because she she wanted to be useful to them she had four kids she knew she wasn't gonna have any more kids and the idea i mean it was so wonderful for her having those kids she loved it so much she couldn't let go and super nanny comes in she's like stop all this bullshit your kids are getting older you've got to start treating them like that and she was really crushed but so my kids watch this they're like fascinated to see these badly behaved

kids like there was this one kid they put her in the naughty step area she pulled this drawer out of this cupboard in the in the hallway and just smashed it to pieces like a barbarian on the on the floor just like that and super nanny was like just let her do it and i was like i would be in there whipping that kid's ass if she did that oh my god yeah there'd be no dinner locked in the garage like everything i'd be pissed it was just it was something else but she was like don't raise your voice i was like jeez i've been doing it wrong all this time because i'll shout at my kids if they fuck up i'll be like what are you doing you know like we never we never need to raise our voices like like my my wife has the fucking death stare down pat oh wow i wish i know like they

fucking know like if if she gets pushed too far whatever stare comes out and even i'm like uh i gotta go to the bathroom for like two hours i'm out of here sort of thing god so that works and also we do like the countdown so like it's like the the threat of some sort of punishment you don't even need to say what you're counting you just start to go right i don't i just start i just start counting yeah and sometimes i do it from like 20 and and they just start going crazy like if they're being too loud or something i'm'm like, 19, 18. But they do that thing where they dance on the spot, their feet are moving and they're just still like, ah, they don't know what to do. They sort of run in circles. They're like, what, what are we doing? How have we fucked up? We got to say, salvage this situation. It's like they're in an airplane seat plummeting towards the ground you can thank

me later society you can thank me later my kids are gonna be they're gonna grow up and they're gonna be great just don't count around yeah it might trigger them but otherwise oh my god in the gym they're just gonna be like doing reps 15 14 they're just like fucking freaking out oh man there's there's lots of cool techniques though like it there's lots of there's lots of fun ways that you can you can be a parent and you can keep your kids on the straight and narrow yeah like through counting games and bribery corruption but the fact that the similar the same shit will almost always work with different kids like they're all so uniform out of the box they're just like this cut and paste here's a person yeah they're doing this oh try this oh that fucking worked who knew it's like

it's like a everybody has a very similar model car there may be some differences but you know the mechanic can just be like yeah just tweak the carburetor yeah that actually did work like kids are pretty straightforward you just need to learn those techniques it's kind of funny yeah man i have no time for other people's kids though like i don't i don't want to fucking know like they come up and they talk to me so i'm just like whatever i'm i'm not you just put the hand out no yeah not mine not interested where's where's your mother jimmy go tell somebody who gives a shit jimmy it's not me that's the thing my kids would love to have more play dates but i'm like oh geez i'd have to have someone else's kid around those are fucking awkward i i took my my son to a birthday party and uh this woman was like oh you know your

your son and my son they they get on so well it's so sweet isn't it oh yeah i know it really is like watching them play and stuff and she's like you know we should set up a play date one time i was like we have leprosy oh god we're we're busy don't come around oh geez i mean we are busy like we have a lot of shit to do. Sorry. Yeah, it's awkward. It is tough. And there's not really any way to make it not awkward either. Because the only thing you have in common with this person that you know of is that you've both created life. And now you're sustaining that life that you created.

You know, they might be into some really weird shit. Like they might have musical taste that really offends you or maybe you know they might be racist and you don't know that and stuff like there's lots of risks involved with it i think and then they have to come around to pick up the kid and they're in your house this person you barely know and they're like nosing around judging your house you're like i hate that too you got to tidy up a little bit too because you don't want them to think that you're slovenly but yeah you know you're just like when you have a house that's filled with kids like it's not it's it's it's not a beautifully clean it's gonna be messy there's gonna be shit everywhere that's it's a dump yeah it's not a dump it's not a dump it's just lived

in by people fucking spend a day in my shoes and then call your house a dump okay you're so sassy i quite like this new sassy list i wouldn't want to get into your shoes because they're probably full of fucking baby sick he doesn't say anything for 10 minutes he's like it's a dump just because that's one thing that i'm i'm lucky i don't know about you flax my kids are not sickly like they don't barf no they're not not too much barely at all i mean but if it happens it's rare they're not i mean they do get sniffles and things and the thing is when my kids are sick they go into this sort of sort of cocoon they just crawl into bed and just lie there for two days and then they're fine like that's their sickness like i got the same thing they had and i was laid up for a week like feeling like fucking death and they

were just like yeah just give me a couple of days i'll just uh rest this off stick the telly on they just lie there in bed completely still for like two days boom ready some kids are really ralphie though like projectile like you know drop of a hat sort of thing but that happens at my daughter's school because the younger one um she uh she'll come home and she'll say joseph was sick today i was like really she's like i was like what you mean he wasn't in school? No, he was sick in the classroom. I was like, wow. Okay. And she said, yeah. And he was sick on another boy. I was like, oh my God, like this kid, I can just imagine standing there just like sick on another kid. I was like, what did the other kid do? Oh, he was okay. It was only his shoe. I was like, so

he's sick on another kid's shoe. Yeah. So he had to walk around barefoot for the rest of the the school day but he was okay no joke being sick at school though i remember one time when i was i must have been 11 or 12 we had a school that in the suburbs the suburbs like exploded right in the 80s yeah like they just they they sprawled and sprawled and sprawled and sprawled so what happened was in in a lot of the schools in the suburbs was they have like a whole new development of houses. But you're talking like hundreds of houses, right? And then all of a sudden, the minute they were done, boom, like all the, they would fill up with people, right? And all those people were mostly families with kids and those kids would have to go to school, right? But the schools couldn't really accommodate for them because because the schools were like a set size yeah designed designed for

the population of the suburbs at the time it was built which is like 15 years before this and stuff so what happened was we had a lot of like uh like portables like you know those classes like they're like uh like mobile classes almost they were just like these boxes and like a big truck could just like bring them in and set them up like outside of the school like in a field so we had tons of these like portable classes uh like we must have had like 10 or 15 of them and they were they were like they were classrooms but they you just had to walk outside to them and they had like these little steps and go up into them and they were just these boxes like raised up off the ground um that had electricity and everything in them and they had like these little steps and go up into them and they were just these boxes like raised up off the ground um that had electricity and everything in them and stuff as well but they were like they were like really sort of isolated uh like contained like little units so and there

was like 30 people in my class and one day my friend mike got sick in class okay and he barfed all over the floor it was really really. And it stunk super bad. And they had to come in, they had to evacuate the, the portable that we were in. And we had to go like finish our lesson in another class. And they had to like decontaminate the portable and they had to put some stuff down.

And I'm not even joking for the rest of the, the rest of the year. I think the rest of the time I was at that school, that particular portable just stunk of barf it was unbelievable it was overwhelming like i felt like puking every time i went into it and i had like three classes in that thing like every day and it was the worst like you you'd get used to it after you were in it for a while but then if you went outside like to go to the bathroom or something and then you came back it would hit you all over again it was like getting hit repeatedly by a train 50 times throughout the day it was oh

it was awful god it was so bad i don't know what what happens like maybe it's like the like the stomach acid or something just gets stuck in the in the fibers of the carpet i don't know but they they can't get rid of that smell they remove the carpet tiles that the kids have been sick on and they just bend them they're just gone like they have the stor. They remove the carpet tiles that the kids have been sick on and they just bin them. They're just gone. Like they have the storeroom full of carpet tiles. When the kids are sick, they just like cut the carpet tiles out. They're gone.

Put a new one down. That's it. Because otherwise the stink never leaves. And kids are sick all the time. All the time. Thinking back, portables were fucking hilarious. Like we had this guy called JJ. He was like, I'm not even joking we were like 12

dude was like 20 okay he failed school like over and over and over again okay and he was just like lingering around like like a stale old fart he was he was much older than us and he was really fucking funny like and if you had a class with him he was super disruptive he would like make fun of like teachers and stuff and i remember this one time we were in class and we were in a portable and he was like miss miss can i i need to go to the bathroom really bad it's an emergency can i go to the bathroom she's like yeah okay jj go to the bathroom and because there's no bathrooms in these portables right so you'd have to leave the portable go outside go into the school building to go to the bathroom so he leaves the part of okay to go to the bathroom and we look

we look outside like in in like to the soccer field and fucking jj is just like pegging it like running around the soccer field like screaming like arms like flailing in the air running around and stuff and like everybody's just sort of like stifling a laugh i'm just like oh god jj's outside like running around and stuff and the teacher's still trying to teach and everything and everybody's like oh god like laughing and then and then somebody just bursts out laughing like it was just too much trying to like contain the laughter and then everybody's laughing the teacher's like what's going on what's going on jj's outside she looks outside fucking jj's still going for it just running around like he's just like oh fuck this class i'm just gonna run around oh fuck it was so funny he

got so far into the school system he already knew the punishments don't mean shit like expelling him at this point would be a mercy he was like do it oh do what you want it was so funny just running around and stuff oh man just wants a sweet release of expulsion oh shit oh i love moments like that at school you know like those moments when somebody would make would say something really funny and you're not meant to laugh you're trying to like trying to like keep it under wraps but you can't uh shit that was really good oh fucking jj man i wonder what he's up to now. He's probably in jail. He's probably homeless or in jail.

Yeah. Fucking hell. You don't come back from that. School's a big part of our kind of upbringing. And I think, I think I'd say it was quite interesting to think about when, it's one of the reasons I think I liked reading Harry Potter, right?

Back in the day, it was because it was set at school and it felt like you it had all those kind of schooly memories and things it sort of it reminded you a lot of the good times of being at school but you did you used to have to wear a uniform and stuff at school oh yeah yeah yeah we never had any of that proper smart blazer and a little cap some shorts you know my uniform was a chicago bulls starter jacket with uh chicago bulls starter baseball cap and um nike airs yeah that was we didn't have uniforms we were just like we were allowed to wear whatever did they still have the cane when you were at school p flex um yes when i started primary that was, uh, they were phasing out the cane around

then. So this was like 85, they were, and the headmaster, Mr. Laird, um, this was at my primary school. We're phasing it out. He brought me like, we were, so there were three of us. I can't remember what we're doing. We're fighting or something. We're transitioning from the cane to the slipper. It's more appropriate. So we went in and he had it up on his wall on like it was like above his desk there was like these two hooks and his cane was resting in there like a gun right like you know the way hunters have a rifle over there this sort of desk so he had this cane there he said boys i have not had to use that cane for five years do not make me use it now we were like oh my god he's gonna fucking beat us to death with the cane so we were all like yes sir we won't do it again but by the time i got to secondary school the cane was

gone and the teachers were obviously pretty salty about this because it was a boys school and they thought whipperness was about the only thing that that really stopped boys just doing whatever they wanted uh so they just took to throwing things at us instead like they'd throw chalk board rubbers stuff like that now interestingly enough i was talking about when i went to bournemouth school which was which was the name for the school bournemouth school it's like the least thought has gone into that name for a school it is literally called bournemouth school that's it it's just like a total afterthought oh shit we didn't name this yeah it's just like what should we what are we going to call this school it's in bournemouth let's just call it bournemouth school so So there was a kid who,

say kid, he's not that young, emailed me about a month ago saying, I went to the same school as you. He was a lot younger than me. He was there in the 2000s. And he was saying to me, like, there were teachers that taught me that were still at that school. There was a guy there, Mr. Hawkins, who not only taught me and this kid recently, he taught my dad and my uncle when they were at at that school so he'd been there for fucking 50 years or something stupid like that teaching at that one school which was kind of insane but they still threw chalk and board rubbers at people and there were teachers that were still teaching there that taught when i was there when i was 11 back in the 80s they were still teaching at that school and still chucking shit at kids i mean honestly if you did some kind of investigation into bournemouth School, you'd be like, this school is like 50 years out of date.

Why are they still chucking board rubbers at kids? But they did. Oh, man. I read an obituary for one of my teachers, my primary school teachers. Right. Like, it was a couple of years ago. So, like, somebody I went to school with sent it to me. And they're like, hey, fuck you.

You'll never believe it. Like, this guy, he passed read it i was like oh shit and like you know you read about this you know he was my teacher for like a whole year yeah and um man the memories just came flooding back it was crazy and then i sort of remembered that like it wasn't really that great he was kind of mean-spirited and stuff like that so it was like i wasn't like actually upset or anything but it was just kind of weird to read that like you know somebody somebody you knew and you spent some time with or whatever had passed away but yeah um it's weird too because like i found out later on like people that i'd gone to school with like i don't know if you guys have ever had this but like i was talking to a like friend of mine the other day and i was like oh whatever fucking happened to to this to cory he's like

fuck cory's dead man what really he's like yeah he fucking died in a car crash like three years ago what i couldn't believe it and it's it's just like completely you you lose touch with these people like they just disappear into this like time vacuum where you just assume that they're still doing the same thing yeah uh like that that where you left them off and then you know you find out all these people have obviously moved on with their lives like a lot of people get married have kids move away from the place that you used to live in and stuff myself included but it was really shocking to hear that like this guy that i i kind of knew and kind of hung out with from time to time, just like I completely lost all touch with him. I didn't know what he was up to or anything.

And then he just died in a car crash. It's weird when you hear about how much people's lives have changed that you knew a long time ago. But it's also kind of weird and kind of scary when you know that someone that you knew like 30 years ago is still doing the same thing that they were like their life has not changed yeah in the whole time that you've been living and doing all this different stuff you look back and you're like yeah wow you're still doing that yeah yeah even now like you're still doing that like yeah still teaching at the same school doing the same probably wearing the same fucking clothes the same cardigan sweater and shit that they were wearing back then too like yeah it probably hasn't changed much yeah

it's nuts but like your life you you sort of like settle into a life in in in your in your midlife i guess right and so like when we were kids these teachers were probably just like pushing 30 or whatever and then you know if they if they didn't want to were probably just like pushing 30 or whatever. And then, you know, if they, if they didn't want to move on and get another job or whatever, you know, and that was their career and they were there, then odds are they're probably still there and they're probably going to retire from there doing the same thing. It's nuts to think, isn't it? I just, I'm not sure that people like the current generation that's working will really live that way. I don't think people do that as much now i mean i know my mom and my dad are always saying that the whole job for life thing is kind of gone i mean that doesn't exist anymore i think everybody's just gonna be a youtuber or a

streamer or god you know an instagram god or whatever and and yeah nobody wants they're like a lot of these like jobs like teaching like nursing and stuff like nobody wants to fucking do those jobs yeah i think a lot of employment is more transitory and kind of i mean you know the zero out contracts and people a lot of people being self-employed and i just think yeah i think people are being a bit less stuck in the same place but the weird thing is it's easy to keep in touch with people because of all you know your facebooks and emails and stuff so you kind of have a better idea of what everybody's doing but everybody's kind of think about it like people must think that of us to some point now like a lot of people would have watched

like lewis and simon playing minecraft and stuff when they were like 13 and now that they're like 19 they might come back and be like fuck they, they're still doing YouTube stuff. I can't believe it. All this time is I've got pear all over my dick now. I didn't have any back then. A lot's changed for me. And these guys are still doing the same shit. Can't believe it. I'm totally into

vaping and choking now. I've changed a lot. I had a whole ordeal where I survived a plane crash and made my way through the Air Force I get out, I load up YouTube and there's Lois and Simon playing Minecraft again jeez, nothing changes

oh man I'm in Bristol next week, you know I'm in Bristol next week I'm coming down on Monday we'll record the podcast from Bristol next week it'll be on the road that'll be sweet, I'm coming down on Monday. So we'll record the podcast from Bristol next week. Yeah. It'll be on the road. That'll be sweet.

I'm looking forward to that. Let's have, have we got a bodega? We have a bodega. A bodega? A bodega? We do. The bodega?

The bodega? We do. It's a long one. It's a long one apparently. It's a two and a half pager. Okay. They're normally two pagers. I try to keep them to two pages, which is kind of tricky,

but I've made it two and a half. Let me adjust myself slightly here. Okay. Okay. Bodega. I'm ready. Part 19. What about 19 Arena?

How about adding Arena to the end? Okay, 19 Arena. Sweet. Kytos had been born, for want of a better word, on the planet Sigil, at the same time as all the other Sigilese beings in the galaxy. All the Sigilese that had ever been or would ever be were created then, in a single moment, fully formed and conscious.

One moment the universe wasn't there, the next it was, and the Sigilese were too. All their houses, roads, a sewer system, socialised medicine, and education, and really good internet. It was like Sweden suddenly existing. It was this infinitely unlikely double event that led the Sigilese to believe that they were special. Extremely special. So special in fact that their creation was even less likely than the creation of the universe itself. Imagine a cake suddenly popping into existence out of nothing. That's pretty unlikely. Now imagine that same cake popping into existence, covered in icing and sprinkles and the words good luck in your new job Steve, love mum written on it. That's even less likely.

The sigillies were the icing on the cake and they knew it. This also asked some pretty big questions. For example, what the Fav? This was a common question among scientists when confronted with the sigillies problem. If the universe kind of made sense, the sigillies really really didn't and it caused a huge rift in the scientific community that lingered to this day. Some concluded that the sigilese creation story was a myth, that they just happened to be one of the oldest civilizations around, but carbon dating of early sigilese artifacts proved it, they were as old as the universe, to the nanosecond in fact.

Because of their self-appointed status as the most improbable and therefore most important race around, the sigilese were almost insufferable in their egotism. Some people were proud to be tall or strong, some were proud of their race's grand history of conquest or exploration, the Sigilese just figured that their creation alone was much more than anything anyone else could really come up with, so they paraded around wearing jewelry older than some people's solar systems. Some of them even had pairs of jeans older than people's galaxies. If you tried to reminisce near a sigilese, you'd better be prepared to have your anecdote trumped into the next dimension.

Naturally, many people believed the sigilese to be proof of the existence of a divine creator. I mean, come on, they would say. If that's not proof, then what the flaw would be? And they were kinda right. It was nuts. But the sigilese did not believe in God. The idea that there was something out there even fancier than them was just ridiculous, and the idea that God would create a race of people who didn't believe in him at all sealed the deal for many scientists. This was just one of those

weirdo things that happens in an infinite universe. End of story. Kytos was approximately 13 billion years old. He'd done everything he ever needed to do, satisfied every desire, and achieved more than any non-Sigilese being could ever achieve. The list was so long it would take around a billion years just to read it. Kytos, of course, had spent a billion years, around 5 billion years ago, running through all the things he'd ever done and recording this on a series of long-life crystal storage devices. But the crystals had decayed around a billion years later, and he just couldn't be flabbed to start again. He'd also realized no non-Sigilese would ever live long enough to read even 1% of what he'd written down, so what was the point? And so, like all old people, Kytos had

started volunteering a lot. He had the free time, he didn't need money since his bank account had 13 billion years worth of interest in it, and his kids were so grown up they were older than 90% of the known universe. When that young pup Bodega had approached him asking for help, Kaitos had said yes instantly, even though what Bodega had asked him was so trivial to Kaitos that it barely deserved his attention. The late era Kaitos turned no friend down, no matter the request. It was hard enough to make friends anyway when you knew you'd outlived them by billions of years, so he clung to the ones he did have. As requested, Kytos parked in his unbelievably cool ship in Krem Slumdump's home system, GURK, in orbit around the lush green GURK-1. Krem wasn't home, but Majesta was,

and Kytos was the one who had introduced her to Bodega. He was here to clear the air between the two errant lovers, since it was too dangerous for Bodega to come to GURK himself. Kaitos reached out with his mind, knowing Majesta would hear his thoughts. Within minutes, a sleek blue vessel span up gracefully from the planet below and positioned itself alongside Kaitos' ship. Majesta materialized on his bridge a moment later. You don't need the ship, do you? He asked her. No, of course not, but I like the ceremony of it, she said, looking around and smiling. Kaitos admired her perfect beauty. She was tall yet delicate. Her hair was so thick

it looked like a few dozen birds could easily nest in it. Her breasts and buttocks seemed locked in a battle to outdo one another, and her face was so perfect it was hard to look directly at it. Warm and loving, but also aloof and haughty. When she smiled, it seemed that no other achievement was worth striving towards. Kytos had long ago given up on love. He'd had trillions of lovers, but Majesta? She was something else. Naturally, Kytos would wait until after Bodega had died before making a move, and he'd wait a good few millennia after that just to be polite. Do your psychic powers work on me? asked Kytos playfully. He knew full well that Sigily's minds were impenetrable. Only when you want them to, she said distractedly.

I'm here because, began Kytos, but Majesta silenced him, pressing a perfect thing to his lips. I know. Bodega's mind is open to me, and I sense his every thought and every action. Unfortunately. He does love you, doesn't he? asked Kytos. Majesta began walking around Kytos' ship, running her hand over its ridiculously ergonomic surfaces.

Kytos, you're older than I am, but we share something. A curiosity that extends beyond our powers, or in your case, your longevity. Bodega loves me, of course, but he's very confused. He is. And I am too, actually, said Kytos, frowning. Tam was a mistake. Our child wasn't. Bodega didn't want children, and I did.

What about Krem? asked Kytos. I'm seeing where that goes for now. Bodega sees people through their actions, as most do. I don't. She stood with her back to Kaitos, staring at GURK1 through the viewport. I know every facet of someone's personality the moment I meet them. Every lie they tell themselves, all the things they regret and the things they don't, but should. For a long time I held off reading Bodega's mind because I wanted to experience love the way others do. But eventually I became curious. One night while he slept, I journeyed into Bodega's mind because I wanted to experience love the way others do. But eventually I became curious. One night while he slept, I journeyed into Bodega's mind and what I found was, well, it scared me.

What was it? Asked Kytos, genuinely intrigued for the first time in around 15,000 years. That's private, said Majesta, admonishing Kytos with the gentlest of glances. The still crushed his spirit more deeply than the time he'd accidentally landed his ship on a Dildonian school bus. I must know, he said, taking a half step forward. I will not tell you, save to say that the universe and Bodega have much in common. I knew that the more time I spent with Bodega, the more I'd become lost in his complexities. I wanted to spend time with more simple men, to enjoy their lack of depth. That seems awfully unfair, said Kytos, sitting down in his chair and tapping in a new course. You're leaving, asked Majesta.

I came here for my friend, to ask why. That's what he'd requested, just that. Ask her why, said Kytos, turning in his seat to face Majesta. Looking up at her this way made her seem so imperious and alluring that Kytos decided to shave a millennia or two off his polite waiting time. I asked why, and the answer I will return with is that Bodega is too much for you. You can't handle that man, he said.

Majesta's face contorted into something like anger for a moment, so subtle that Kytos almost missed it. She vanished from the bridge, and her ship blasted back towards the planet's surface. Kytos would return to Bodega with a message. He would tell Bodega that, eventually, she would be his again. No woman can resist a man she cannot change. The end. Nice. Oh my god. Oh god. I love Lewis's string of reactions.

Oh my god. That was a good one, man. That was really good. I like that a lot. Oh my God. That was a good one, man. That was really good. I like that a lot. It was excellent. Thank you very much, P-Flex. My pleasure. Ah, okay.

With that, we're going to end the Travels podcast here. Thank you for listening, everyone. See you next week. Peace. Have a good one. Bye.