Triforce! - Triforce! #48: A Good Day to Rage Hard

Episode Date: July 12, 2017

Triforce is back! Sips wants to die in an epic space battle, Lewis is holding a literary high ground and Todd Forsooth is kicking kids!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hi, everybody. Welcome back to the Tribe Force podcast. I bet you thought that we all died. It's been a long time. I almost died. I did die, but I came back just like Jesus did all that time ago. Now I would like to formally announce that it is Triforce Day, a day for remembering. It's a day for forgiving and spending time with your loved ones and exchanging gifts.

And you can put up a palm tree in the middle of your living room and decorate it with gizzards, I guess, or something. Gizzards? Well, I can't think of what you would decorate a palm tree with, so I just went with gizzards.

What's a gizzard? It's like a part of a turkey, I think. Oh. Can't you just like, it's like the word for the insides of stuff it's not very nice no that's giblets oh giblets or giblets it is a muscular thick walled part of a bird's stomach yeah for grinding food typically with grit grinding food yeah but you use it as a grinder it's also referred to as the ventriculus oh Oh, I see. The bird uses it as a grinder. The gastric mill and gigerium.

It's an organ found in the digestive tract. Or jigerium. Jigerium. I think you'd hang your palm tree with like pinatas or something, you know. Pinatas would be pretty fun, yeah, actually. That's a good idea. It's our holiday, so we can pick what people should do, you know. Masturbate from dawn till dusk.

It's a bit like ramadan where they can't eat they cannot not masturbate in our religion from the from dawn till dusk unless they get special dispensation because they your hand must not leave your crotch your genitals that's correct what's the story behind i might i might come across as a bit of a dumbass here but what's the story behind like all the stuff at Christmas, like Christmas trees and like mistletoes and stuff? Like what's the significance of all of it? What did you call it?

Mystical toe? Mystical camel toe. Probably a more appropriate name for it. The mystical camel toe. I said mistletoe. The story behind it is this, all right? Jesus was an arboreal creature who lived high up in an evergreen wood elf so to commemorate that if you will yeah like he was an ewok he was we we commemorate his treetop existence

by having a tree and obviously it would be you know uh what's the word heretical i guess so to put a picture of jesus at the top because you're not allowed to have nay nay shall thee have this is this is word for it nay and thou shalt have not craven or graven images i forget which uh atop atop thine pine um hallowed be thy name yub nub yub nub so instead of amen that's what you say in triforcia is uh yub nub yub nub. Instead of amen, that's what you say in Triforcio. Happy yub nub, everybody. May the force be with you. No, they've already got that in another thing. That's in Star Trek, Lewis, I believe. My bad.

Jesus. Well, I don't know. I always wonder whether these things are either very old, like pre-Christianity, because Christmas always comes from the Mithras holiday, right? I think a lot of this shit comes from the Victorian era. A lot of religions steal stuff from the older religions, okay? Like the ones that came before, and they can't help themselves

because everyone's already half-believing in that anyway. Everyone's like, we already have a celebration on December the 25th, so can Christianity have one? And they're like, okay, we'll have one as well. It just happens to be Jesus' birthday. It it's whatever do you mean it's like most of it's all related pagan it's all related to um stars and phases of stars and the moon and stuff like that though right and that's why like well easter was jesus's birthday wasn't it anyway a lot of it revolves around like specific dates how do you mean easter was his birthday well You mean he came back to life on his birthday?

No. Was it? Oh, no, you're right. I've already put my foot in a pile of shit there, didn't I? He was born on Christmas, and then he died and was resurrected at Easter. Two months later. Who knew? Yeah, just a few months later.

Why did they sacrifice a baby like that? That's crazy. And how did he talk? He didn't come out as a baby, though. He came out as a grown, fully grown man with long hair and a beard. And they thought that that was a bit strange. He packed a lot into those few months. He came out of an ass, is what I heard.

This was a long time ago. There wasn't a lot of time for stuff that was out of the norm. So people, the way that they dealt with it was stoning and caning and stuff. We shouldn't mock this stuff. We're not mocking it. What do you mean mocking it? No, but here we go. So seriously, they didn't have any Scots pine trees back in,

you know, the traditional Christmas tree or whatever. Is it Scots pine? I can't remember what it's called. It's just a pine. It's just a tree. But like I was saying, I think a lot of this stuff comes from like the Victorian times, right? Charles Dickens.

Yeah, maybe. A lot of this stuff seems to sort of like come from this time and i think it's just because like a lot of people back then you know they they had a little bit more time and they had a bit more money and they're like oh dear i'm the factory is closed for one day because none of the slaves are feeling well so let's figure out something how can we celebrate this special day well i've got this pine tree would you like to decorate it with baubles and stuff dear yes that sounds great like this this is two really really posh victorian people that i'm entertaining right now but That's good. You know, and then they invented a lot of like luxury stuff, right? Like boiled sweets and like...

Treacle tart. Coca-Cola. Tinned goods. They sort of invented like canned goods. Yeah, kind of pitted meat. Is this all your idea of luxury goods? Ooh. Yeah.

Ooh, live in the high life. Boiled sweets and tinned food. Cast yourself back 2000 years when this stuff didn't exist and tell me how you're getting on

with that I bet they had a barbecue every fucking night it would have been awesome eating raw guts out of a fucking dead deer

that you didn't even kill I couldn't eat a barbecue every night fuck me can't eat all that blackbird shit I found a mulled deer that a bear must have

and I'm so hungry I haven't had protein in weeks I'm just gonna eat I haven't had protein in weeks. I'm just going to eat its raw guts right out of its open chest. It wasn't that for 2,000 years, and then the Victorians came along and tinned stuff. I've got to suck on its gizzard like a lollipop. More or less, that is what happened. No.

I'm just saying. P-flax. There wasn't like a long, drawn-out evolution of this stuff. The Victorians were just like, we got time, we got money. Let me grab onto something that gives us madness. We got factories, let's make tin goods. It's summer, okay? It's a lovely time of year.

It's lovely and hot. We're talking about barbecues. I went out onto Queen Square, which is just outside where our new office is. You've given it away now. The other day. Well, people know. Everybody knows where you're having your barbecues. And it's basically loads of people are out there,

but they'd also bought all these Tesco disposable barbecues, right? And they were just, when I walked by it later, they were all like just left there on the ground, but littering. Don't do that. Tidy up after yourselves. But is it okay? Why do they do this stuff? Is it okay?

Because when I went around at lunchtime, there were just tons of like little smoky campfires. It looked like a kind of an army like a you know like um like you imagine these old school medieval armies to be with like all of their little campfires set up around yeah they've moved on yeah yeah it's all now hipsters like barbecuing i don't know so vegan sausages on a fucking tesco disposable barbecue for their yeah for their brunch or whatever have you had any barbecues yet you guys and how do you feel about about that we have fucking barbecues every day you know us we're lazy fucking paper plates barbecue hell yeah i

don't think it's lazy i think a barbecue is more effort than a lot of other stuff right you have to get the barbecue hot you have to stand out there you have to turn it over and stuff you know with a microwave meal like i you know get home slap a flipping you know vegetarian curry in the microwave for you know two minutes flat you know eat it with a fork you know, vegetarian curry in the microwave for, you know, two minutes flat, you know, eat it with a fork, you know, on my floor or whatever. That's one thing about my household. As lazy as I am, I won't implicate others in the laziness. That's good of you. Right.

But we don't have a microwave and we never have had one. So at least we're not that lazy. So you think, so your definition of lazy is very much higher than mine my my definition of lazy is very fucking lazy like whoa i mean well first of all i don't think a microwave is lazy as long as you're not using it as your main cooking appliance that's super handy yeah it can be i mean i use it i use it quite often just for things that are going with other things i've cooked so for example you can get these really nice pouches of, like, not just sauces, but things like lentils and stuff, and rice, you know, this all fancy mixed up rice.

If you just need a little bit of rice, rather than have to cook all the rice and season it and get all the spice and all that, you can just do these. Tastes like a minute bosh, right? But I've also cooked something else along with it. I'm not cooking the whole meal in the frigging microwave but they're super handy reheating shit come on you're talking about these like healthy vegetarian lentil sticks that you you would have as a side because i'm i'm vegetarian i don't cook any meat with it so i just have that and so i've i'm like okay i'll have

a microwave pouch of of some nice rice with some veg in it and that's that's me space paste do you know what i mean space paste nice reheated space paste that's good you know what i've never really been like like huge on microwaves because i figure every everything i need to cook i can just do with like a frying pan or an oven or whatever and i'm cool with that but my grandma my grandma comes from a time where i think that they were so blown away by the technology of microwaves like i've never met anybody in my life who put the stuff that she put into a microwave i'm not even kidding like i i mean literally everything if she came to stay with us to look after us like some like sometimes my parents had to go away for work or something my my grandma would come and like take care of us and she'd be like what do you guys want for dinner tonight we'd be like no i don't know like whatever you know whatever you

want to make and she would just fucking do everything in the microwave literally everything like every like it'd be like a normal meal with like you know potatoes and like broccoli or maybe like some eggs or something and like all of it in the microwave yeah that's and i couldn't believe it that's no i thought that that was pretty crazy but I think that she was just from a time where it was like oh my god this has revolutionized cooking in a big way so I have to use it for everything

here's the thing right so I went away on the weekend stayed in a log cabin with a couple of friends and they live with a log cabin it was like a little holiday it was a little holiday away in the uk yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck off there's no fucking log cabins over here and then it was nice place went there and anyway i stayed with this this couple and

they live just you and them parents no i was a friend of mine with me too you're like a swinger now that's where that's where that shit happens oh no i'm not it's not it was just a nice weekend away with some friends okay relax did you eat another human being over the weekend is that what it was fighting anyway they they're like 28 29 and they still live with their parents so they both of them stay in one room in the big big house so they got almost like a little wing to themselves it feels like a wing i've never i've never seen it right well it's like a big old house and they've got like you know their own bathroom and bedroom and like little area so you went away for the weekend to a log cabin with your rich swinger

friends they're not rich but that's rich they wouldn't be living with their parents do you mean well you would if their parents had a fucking mansion so you went you spent the weekend with william and kate winters i'd say it was more like an annex, like a granny annex anyway, that they live in. But basically, they don't cook for themselves, really, because they still live with their parents. And so, as a result, I was like, the whole time I was there, I was kind of the dad. And so, it was like, you know, they would do things okay, like not really know what we were going to do for food or anything. So, I would be like, shall we do this? And they're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah oh yeah yeah yeah and i was like shall i cook it they're like oh yeah we'll

we'll do the next one show me and then as soon as we saw as soon as we finished like eating they would just kind of leave everything and go and sit down in the in the lounge and i'd be like what are we gonna tidy up now they saw you coming from a mile away for some reason the dad like i was their dad like or their mom i guess actually doing like all the looking after them i didn't do their washing or anything but i feel like it would have come to that if we'd been there any longer like more and more resentful as the weekend went on i don't know like a little bit maybe but not really like i didn't mind i was quite i was quite fine with it because normally i'm super so lazy that it doesn't matter I'm you know being yeah living living the old bachelor life but yeah it was um it was fine and so like but when it came their turn to cook because I thought I've been away on

these things before right with people and it's like normally it's like oh yeah I'll cook the first night you cook the second night you know it'll be fine um so like I cooked um the first night and the second night was their turn and And so, and we were walking around, like, supermarket picking up stuff. And they were like, oh, yeah, we'll just get these microwave meals. And I was like, oh, what, we're just going to do, like, four microwave meals, one after the other in the microwave. And they were like, what's wrong with that? And I was like, everything. Dude, you should have just gotten, like, a fucking gallon of hummus and just a bunch of bread and just been like,

you know what, this is what we're having. And if you don't like it, you can fuck yourself. I'm going to leave. I mean, no, it wasn't quite that bad. But I guess I'm wondering like how other people, because I don't know how many other people cook, right? Because there was a lot of good feedback from your cooking segment that replaced bodega,ega right at the end.

Your halloumi and peppers and wraps and stuff. I don't know. You never had halloumi until I cooked it with you. Or had you had it before? I had it in restaurants and stuff, but you sort of opened me up to the fact that you could get store-bought halloumi, which transformed our lives for the better. So I feel like a little bit.

Now all we do is eat cheese. Because that's one of my staple go-tos as well, the halloumi wrap. Oh, it's good though. It's really good. Because people were sending me messages like, have you tried Tipsy's recipe? It's really good.

And I'm like, of course I tried it. I basically taught him it. Well, come on. You didn't refine and perfect it like I did. No. I merely showed you the halloumi. You grabbed it by both hands and transformed it. The diced onions.

You lived. I tell you what, actually, I'm at the point now where basically, I like halloumi and I can eat it on its own, but I have to fry halloumi with onions. Like it just gives it the extra edge, like big time. Even if you don't like onions, it just gives it like the extra edge. You have to do it. Oh, I love a bit of red onion. It's again i'm lazy you see i'll buy the chop pre-chopped up

and i'll just throw that yeah i'm not fucking chopping an onion no jesus what year is this man i'm not i'm a grown man i'm not gonna be in my kitchen crying my eyes out chopping up an onion but if you cut it underwater in this in the in the bowl of bowl of water, it won't go into your eyes though by the way. Yeah, I mean I don't have the dexterity to do that without really harming myself so that's not happening. Okay, have we lost PFLAX completely here? No, I'm here. I'm just listening. He's back. Like you guys are talking and it's about vegetarianism and shit. He's stewing, he's about to phone somebody up. What was your door? What was at the door? Who was at the door today?

Poachman? So yeah, I've got... I went to the postage office today to get my internet router because my internet crapped out. I haven't even got it installed yet. Is this in your underground

bunker that's covered in roaches and damp? You went to collector's pension. So I had internet installed yesterday, but I missed the delivery of the router, so I went to pick it up. Holy shit. Yesterday you got it installed? Yeah. Well, I couldn't pick it up yesterday.

You moved it like a fucking month ago. What have you been doing? I know, Sips. It's been a disaster. Don't even worry. Oh, my God. What is it? Is this Virgin Media?

Well, it was originally, but the problem is the front of the building is listed, and so they won't let you install the fiber in there. Oh, it's such a pain in the ass. It's a good thing you fucking picked this place to live, isn't it? Instead of taking a bit of time and finding somewhere that's habitable. Thank you. Not a dungeon. I'm aware of this i should have just dungeon i know i'm aware of this every day i live in my mistakes okay it's flax you've got you've had issues with virgin media as well or have had issues in the past i'm with ee right and my phone and so basically i was like okay

i'll just get the broadband fiber thing with the e because they had a really good like set up a deal of stuff and also it's about on my phone contract but i share my phone contract with terps okay it's not a gay thing it's just a thing that we do sounds like a gay thing further to your new swinging lifestyle in log cabins and is that who was at the log cabin was delivered to his name and so i couldn't pick it up from the bloody delivery office so now i need to get Terps's ID and go take that to the delivery office

to pick up the fucking thing so I'm still not going to have it for another till I can because he's on the holiday anyway without you I was in the delivery office

and I got I was like there was this girl eyeing me up right and I was like uh oh what's this

what's going on she obviously because I'm like you know it's a nice sunny day today I'm looking good got you know my gym nice fucking ego on this guy over here yeah oh jesus christ anyway she basically like um i i didn't take anything of it and i obviously started walking to the office and i took like a little bit of a weird route anyway i was standing at traffic lights and the same girl like taps me on the shoulder

and it's like, oh, I recognised you in the delivery office. You are, you're Lewis from Bills, aren't you? And I was like, yeah. Anyway, she's been, we had a nice chat. She's been seeing the pictures I posted on Instagram about tea and she's also a big tea fan. We had a nice chat. She bought, she offered me to buy me an iced tea. So I accepted and she bought me a big tea fan we had a nice chat she offered me to buy me an iced tea

so I accepted and she bought me a nice iced tea and we had a nice chat because she's just finished her degree in politics we had a nice chat about stuff it was very pleasant I bet she was thrilled to speak to you about politics well

she's very open minded about politics open minded to people who have no fucking idea what they're talking about I didn't talk open minded about politics open minded to people who have no fucking idea what they're talking about I didn't talk to her about politics she she just

we were just having a nice chat it was very nice and then you know so that's why I was a little bit late did she listen to the Triforce

did she say to you I have a tiny penis anything like that I don't think she I don't know if she listened to the Triforce podcast I didn't go that far

but she definitely said when I was in LA last week, there was a lad there called Charles. And I met him and he said to me, P-Flax. And I said, what's up? Like he was working at Beyond the Summit.

And he said, oh, I've got to say something to you, but I don't want to say it too loud. I said, go for it, dude. He said, I have a gaping vagina. I said, oh, hey, what's up? Oh my gosh. Nice. Wow.

I was like, sweet. So you're on board because i love it i love the triforce podcast he's like this young kid who lives in california why do they like this crap it's just boring dad stories too i don't even want to be here right now but no honestly after that weekend at the log cabin i really felt like a dad i was like where's the recycling let's get all the recycling in the right box do you mean i was like you know let's let's make sure we put all of the laundry in a pile i i don't know it was i was doing all of that do you think that you're inclined to to behave that way without prompting or do you think that because of the

way that they were you you just like naturally took on that role right do you reckon they were sort of just emitting some childish childhood hormones or whatever that triggered a dad i think they were taking advantage of your good nature by being lazy little bitches who didn't want to do any cooking. Oh, we don't know how. How old are they? 28? I think it's just me being used to a certain standard.

I'll tell you what it is, Lewis. It's the infantilization of the West and it's been happening for about 30 years and it's fucking disgusting. I read a book in the 90s about it and how the coming infantilization of the west and it's been happening for about 30 years and it's fucking disgusting i read a book in the 90s about it and how the coming infantilization of the west is is growing and people are getting more and more fucking useless because they're basically giant children and they have no idea how to do anything for themselves i say it's high time portage school get them out there teach them a fucking skill get him portage the thing is now

we got to get into space more well like all of us that's what's gonna happen everybody's got to work together and get into space and we need to have a space war that's that's what needs to happen because i think what's what's happening in the west especially is people are just getting bored like everybody's just we need any Fuck this planet. I'm out. I'm going to Beetlejuice. We need to stop investing in like iOS apps and stuff like that and let's fucking get into space in a major way. Let's get a fucking like moon base set up and like some big spaceships with guns on them and stuff.

What are the Elon Musks trying to do? Fucking everybody can get up there and we can do new shit. We can like be pioneers. We need more billionaires. We can go find new planets and live there instead like holy shit that would be fucking awesome i really want this to all happen in in my lifetime like i don't want to die it ain't gonna i don't want to i don't want to die as an old man and like there's just all these like fucking turtleneck wearing guys with scarves and fucking macbooks in the coffee shop, you know, talking about microwaves and stuff.

No, I want to die in space in a glorious space battle. That's how I want to go out. Yeah. God damn. Can I just say, I know where this is coming from. You've been playing Eve. That's it. You've literally been playing Eve the last few weeks a lot.

And now you're like, I want to die in space. It's like, hang on. I've always wanted to die in space it's like hang on i've always wanted to die in space okay yeah right geez i like you haven't mentioned it in 47 episodes of this podcast not one mention of fighting in space battles and how desperate you are to get on the moon i've been holding back i've been holding i didn't want to i didn't want to come out with that i didn't feel when you die do you want us to launch you into space like Spock style in a space coffin? No. No, not really.

No. Do you want to be crushed into a diamond and then be worn as like a mourning thing? No. I want to be standing on the bridge of a massive space battle cruiser. And I want to have been making some decisions and stuff. And then I want to do that thing where you look out the window. Come on, Sips. We need you to make some important decisions here.

Okay, okay, okay, I'll do it. I'm making decisions and stuff, and then at the last moment I turn around and I look out the window of the bridge and I say, oh, my God, and then there's a bright flash of light, and then I'm dead. That's how I want to go out. So you want to go out as one of the worst space captains

who loses his vessel and doesn't see what's coming until the last second. It's like, oh shit, I fucking forgot about the sun. Flies into the sun and explodes. Man, at least I'm up there contributing, okay? Contributing to what? There would be a Wikipedia article about you if that happened. Yeah, there would for sure be one. The loss of the SS Vegetaria.

How did it die? Flew into the sun. Sir, we've got an important decision for you. We need to know whether to put the onions or the peppers on the halloumi wraps for dessert. It was a fateful day. The Earth Federation lost their entire supply

of halloumi and nobody ever ate cheese again on earth it was terrible commander sips was busy making important decisions and stuff and he neglected to look at the view screen and see the direction of the uh he was responsible for the biggest delivery of halloumi we've ever known and all was lost that day oh my. So going back a little step before we launched into space, I changed the light bulb the other day and that made me feel like a dad, too. But it was tricky, okay?

It was really tricky because... You did a basic thing. You're a dad now. It was like a puzzle game, though, because the light was like a light fixture was like this globe on the ceiling and there was no way... I had to like...

It was like doing a puzzle to try and... It was like Rubik's Cube to try and get the thing off the ceiling and there was no way i had to like it was like doing a puzzle to try and it was like rubik's cube to try and get the get the thing off the ceiling and i didn't want to like you know i needed to make sure the light was was off and then i needed to find the right bulb and it made me feel like an adult is all i'm saying tell me more about this impossible task did you have to have like two back-to-back full-day spa sessions? I'm just saying that it was a good feeling. And I think that if I learned how to, I don't know, there's a hole in the wall and I'd quite like to plaster it up. So I went, I'm going to start, well, I haven't done it yet,

but I think you could mostly learn how to do most stuff on YouTube these days or all the internet. So I'm going to learn how to plaster it up. I'm going to plaster it up. I'm going to paint it over it. And I think that's going to make me feel good, right? Handy, like a dad. I mean, another way you can learn how to do stuff is the manly way of learning,

which is going to B&Q, wearing some shorts, and possibly a polo shirt, if you're feeling up to it. Standing around with your arms crossed, talking to a guy who works at B&Q about the ins and outs of what you're about to do and like those guys are pretty knowledgeable like they know like the products and they know like what to do and stuff i would i would probably opt for that before checking youtube for how to do something because then you have the human interaction wait a second i think there's someone downstairs hold on okay in my house you have that you have the human interaction and you you you can draw from that experience as well you know like this guy might have plastered a hole a couple of times

in his life sort of thing there was not it was the bin men right you thought there was something like there was someone well yeah i mean it's like in your house what are you doing in here hey in your bins tidy it up all right carry on thank you i mean you know we got a cleaner and she's meant to come today she's a bit flaky like she'll just message me can't come today i'll come tomorrow and she'll say i can come at she came the other day at 8 30 in the morning but she was late so she arrived just as i was leaving the house with the kids because i she's only been a cleaner for a few weeks so i was like i don't want to give her a key yet until we trust her and everything i bet you she does an amazing job though right no she's all right oh and the weird thing is you think i mean our previous cleaner was the the best right she

was amazing and she there was all these little touches like she'd tidy the kids bedroom was immaculate and she'd put their little toys on their bed and they'd come home and they'd be like yay golly who's been my and they'd be like, yay, golly, it's been, yay. My wife doesn't like that at all. We had a cleaner a while back and I was like, oh, this cleaner's pretty good. She arranges the toys and stuff. She's like, yeah, she spends time arranging the toys, but she hasn't fucking

dusted or something like that. They spend all this time arranging toys for the kids, which is great, don't get me wrong, but if you're not actually fucking cleaning anything, what's the point? She did clean. I don't think she's making like a flower arrangement

that takes 20 minutes to arrange toys. She's probably just sticking them in a pile, which is better than what they usually are, which is on the floor. Yeah, well, I mean, I think the thing is the cleaners. See, that's dad shit right there, Lewis. You think changing a light bulb is dad shit. Moaning about toys and the way you did it on the floor

as if it's like the worst way. Toys on the floor in a children's room? This place is turning into a hellhole. Like, that's dad shit right there. Infantilization of humanity. Of the West. You kids need to grow up. Get a job.

Let's all go into fucking space. I wish I was in space right now. You know what? You bastards get to live in space. I wish I was in space right now. You know what? You bastards get to live in space. I don't. Your generation will understand. I don't mind that there's toys all over the floor and stuff, but I think the main reason I don't mind that there's toys all over the place

and crap all over the walls and stuff is that most of my time is spent out here in my dad lair. Which is extremely tidy, by the way, and very well organized. Hell yeah. It's like great. My desk is a fucking complete mess. My office is pretty disgusting, if I'm honest with you. I'm just looking around it now.

And like, if I lived like this, like if this was where I lived, rather than just where I spend like 80% of my time, I'd be appalled. Because it's separate from the rest of the house. I feel like it's a little escape from, you know, needing to live like a decent human being. There's like my bin that I have a bin is always full. Like I empty it, it's instantly full again. I don't know how.

I've got ancient things in here that I just don't need. And we recently had someone, one of the ladies that at my kid's school, her job is she's a professional professional declutterer all right i think i think i've told you guys about this maybe but she is literally a professional declutterer there's a thing you belong to like it's like the declutterers guild or whatever it's like a proper thing right and you can hire her we won it in a in a raffle and she came while i was away she came and decluttered the house and she gave us these post-it notes that she put on the wall to help us keep the place decluttered. My wife really fucking dived in.

She was like a religious conversion. She was well into it, chucking loads of stuff. Now, all she's doing is chucking stuff out. She's constantly, well, we don't need that anymore. She's binning stuff, recycling stuff, taking stuff down to the recycling thing. Bags of clothes, just bags and bags of clothes. She comes home from work. She has dinner.

She comes upstairs. She gets a bag and she's like, do you still wear this jumper? I was like, nah. She's like, great. Boom, it's gone. Sounds like she's addicted to throwing stuff away.

She is, yeah. Oh my God. Our house has so much less stuff. Let's buy stuff and throw it away. She doesn't want to buy stuff. She's like, we shouldn't buy that. It'll just sit in the corner. It's a load of rubbish.

Previously, she bought a lot of stuff. Oh, I'm like that too like like we've we sort of like we've become more like that just over the years because we just ended up accumulating so much crap you realize in your 20s you you know you just buy shit you're like oh cool we need all these things and then you replace it or anything and and you know you still keep the old one just in case or it's lying around or something breaks or it goes into a cupboard you don't use very often. So she just went through and chucked out all kinds of old shit. It is very satisfying.

It is, yeah. The worst, like my dad thing is I hate opening like a cupboard or like a wardrobe or something and it's just full of stuff and stuff starts falling out and stuff. Oh my God god that's like every cupboard in your kitchen sips i know i hate it geez every time like half those cupboards are full of out-of-date crap you need to just that's the thing none of it is actually out of date that's and that's the problem we just have a lot of it like you have everything basically

that's the thing you have everything i'm like i'm like do you have some lemon juice and you know your wife's like yep and she goes into the back of a cupboard and rummages around and 20 things i know she produces it is i'm like what do you have like a fucking you know any time and you're like yep it's in the back of this cupboard it's like what how do you it's just crazy it's like everything proper family house like I think every family house is a bit like that. You end up having kind of everything you need because at some point, somebody would have had the bright idea to, let's do this, and it needed lemon juice. And then, of course, you just get some lemon juice then. That's how lemon juice actually makes it into your house in the first place.

And then you've always got lemon juice because I don't even think lemon juice goes bad, does it? Well, yours was out of date, and we used it anyway, and it was fine. But fuck've always got lemon juice because i don't even think lemon juice goes bad does but he also was out of date and we used it anyway and it was fine so yeah but fuck it's lemon juice like who cares yeah we talk about can we talk about jacob reese mogg oh my god why i'll tell you what he's a conservative mp okay okay he's extremely posh here is the names of his kids all right this this is the name of his he has six kids he's he's a shagger this guy he is a shagger he's getting out at night and day he's got six children he's pretty posh his name is jacob reese mogg he's named his kids this is his latest kid sixtus because he's the sixth kid they called him sixtus is it right here's his full name sixtus dominic boniface christopher

reese mark his other kidsys Mark his other kids are called his other kids are called Peter Theodore Alfege Marianne Charlotte Emma which is just

four names just pick a fucking name Thomas Wentworth Somerset Dunstan Anselm Charles Fitzwilliam and Alfred Wulfric

Laysen Pius Rhys Mark holy shit I mean what the fuck but then again middle names aren't so important.

Right, but then why tip up with Wentworth? Just Gunston. Right? Wolfring. Pius. If they're not important, why are you going down that road? You're taking time to think about how they're not important. Let's go with Alphage.

What? Alphage. That sounds like a bacteria. It does. A-L-P-H-E-G-E. I'm terribly sorry to inform you, Space Commandant Sips, but there's a terrible case of alphage going round the ship. Many of the lesser classes have gotten infected.

Quickly, lock down the hummus! We've located it in the kitchen, sir. He was a saint in 954 A.D. We need you to make some decisions and stuff please don't crash the ancient the new battle cruiser the wolfric class is ready for your inspection i'll be honest with you the names look to me these are all characters from the red rising trilogy that's what it looks like to me. Oh my god, that's who they are. It sounds just like a bunch of golds. Yeah.

A bunch of fucking golds. That's all it is. Fucking golds, man. Pius Rees-Mogg. So the new book on the topic of Red Rising and that trilogy, the new book is coming out in January and it's the first part of a new trilogy.

It's going to be a new trilogy that takes place ten years after the last book. Wow! I can't wait! Yeah! Quite excited, man. I love how this isn't even a joke.

Genuine excitement. You are both big fans of this series. I like Darrow. I like Mustang a lot as well. I like several. Man, I like all of them. I think that's the first book. The fucking characters are really fucking good.

They are good. I think that's one of the first books I've had a genuine crush on a girl I hadn't even seen. Just reading it, I was like, oh, man. Oh, man. I know. Yeah. I get that. I'd be like putty in her hands.

You haven't read so many other books, though, have you guys? So, like, I think you're so... Okay, first of all, first of all... It's almost, though, shut up. Get off that fucking high horse, all right? What? What do you mean you haven't read many other books? What are you talking about?

Just because you've read, like, a book for the first time in ten years and you quite enjoyed it doesn't mean it's the best book of all time captain opinions and counter opinions let us have this thing that we enjoy lewis and you just enjoy the dumb shit you like and let's just fucking leave it at that it's's fine. You guys are welcome. What's greater than these books that we seem to like, Lewis? What's the new thing with you?

Like fucking painting models or some dumb shit like that? Is that what you're doing now or what? Careful, Sibs. You know, I have been painting some Warhammer models, but it's just a little craze. Just because you're enjoying painting a Warhammer model, you know, it's not exactly the Sistine Chapel, is it, mate?

It's like meditation. It's nice. You just sit there, you put on the audio book. We're trying to enjoy, me and Sips are trying to enjoy a series of books that we both really like, and you come in there and it's like, oh, there's other books, you know. Well.

Yeah, well, and then we mock you for painting, and you're like, oh, it's meditation. It's all very zen. Painting my little toys. They are toys. I got some other books to last me. I need some books, filler books, to see me through to January when gold comes out, right? Yeah.

So I picked up, I got The Way of Kings Part 1, The Way of Kings Part 2. Okay. I see where this is going. Way of Kings, part one. The Way of Kings, part two. Okay. I see where this is going. Way of Kings, part three. Words of Radiance, part one. And Words of Radiance, part two as well. And I'm told that there's going to be another book in this series as well. Yeah, they're good.

Coming out kind of soon. I've got some bad news. So that's what I'm reading now. I've got some bad news. Tell them. My cleaner thinks my name is Todd instead of Terry. Oh,ry right i thought it was a typo but she's just messaged me again hello todd do you want cleaning today we're busy tomorrow you should just reply with like hi jenny um yeah you know sure why not she really she thinks my name is

todd and now i can't correct her now i mean i'm just todd i'll take it do the reversal on her though call her something that it's not her name and force her into the situation be like that's and now I can't correct her now. I mean, I'm just Todd. I'll take it. Do the reversal on her though. Call her something that it's not her name and force her into the situation. Be like, that's not my name though. And you'd be like, well, my name's not Todd. Well, that's passive aggressive bullshit. That is a bit passive aggressive. I mean, I would just confront it straight away

and be like, yes, I do. By the way, my name's actually Ted. By the way, my name is, it's not Todd. It's Alphage. Oh man. I'd like you to call me Wolfrick when you clean. I will wear my commandant's hat and pretend to be piloting a giant spaceship.

And if I do die, if I do keel over, I would like you to take my body to NASA and have me launched into space. Into the sun. Thank you. Man, the sun is incredible, isn't it? Like, you ever go outside and you feel the heat of the sun and you think, God damn, that thing is far away.

And it's really hot. I can still feel it. Like, you know, it's burning my skin. That's crazy. This is like your fascination with bugs again. I love it. I love it i love it when you're fascinated by something that the rest of us take for granted smelling flowers amazed by

insects it's great man so sometimes sometimes like at night i'll come out i'll sneak out and go into my dad garage and it's very dark and i look up in the sky and on a clear night you see the stars and stuff and you just think holy shit there's like other stuff out there and it's really fucking far away too. And man, I would like to go there. Do you ever get that? Do you ever think about those kind of things? I don't think there would be much there though. It's kind of like most of space, as you know, is like barren nothingness.

I know, but there's some stuff out there. There's got to be. But what do you mean? There's not aliens out there. There's not civilization. What do you mean there's some stuff out there. There's got to be. What do you mean? There's not aliens out there. There's not civilization. What do you mean there's no aliens out there? I mean, there'll be some nice scenery, but it'll be kind of quite depressing scenery.

What makes you say that? Well, out in space, there's nothing. It's nothingness. God, I hate you. I hate you. Yeah, what the fuck is your problem? Let's launch S.I.P.S. into space.

It's not like Star Trek, right? You don't just warp over to a new solar system. There's a fantasy land of hermits druiding it up. That's your fantasy land. Hermits. Whatever. You know half the Star Trek episodes. Just a bunch of humans, pre-proto-humans.

And they, oh, no, we shouldn't disrupt them. That's the prime directive. And then they go down there anyway. Or one of them gets captured. And they have to go down and, I don't know, fight a dinosaur. You know, all of them are the same. Jesus Christ. Wow.

Just saying. That's not what space is like, though. How do you know? How do you know? You've never been. You don't, though. How do you know? How do you know? You've never been. You don't know firsthand. What do you mean I've never been? It was the last time you looked up in the sky and admired the stars, Lewis.

You would die of old age before you even got to a flipping other planet. Not true. We would die of old age before he got there. But due to the laws of relativity, if Sip set off for a star at close to light speed, even if it took him 10 years to get there, we'd all be dead. Civilization might have changed a huge amount. Drastically, yeah.

But he'd be fine. That's how it works. But he wouldn't be there in a millisecond. He'd be there in 10 years. Yeah, but he could just go to sleep. We wouldn't make these journeys without hypersleep because we wouldn't be able to have the same amount of food and water and shit that we'd need and oxygen. So we'd all need to go into

some kind of hibernation to save on resources and to stop us going mad in space. And then he'd get there and he'd wake up on a new world. It would be like a complete, it would be like starting not just your life but human life. If you're willing to freeze yourself completely then

sure you can go anywhere you could go for millions of years of distance you could go millions of years into the future if you wanted to go into the future you could just freeze yourself it's gonna be a small ship and it's gonna be me and pamela anderson we're gonna be frozen on this ship still coming we're gonna see new life but are you gonna get frozen together as a backup just in case pammy doesn't make the journey we're gonna have cindy crawford on ice as well i love the way whenever we go to a woman we're still going for j-lo and pamela anderson and shit it was so fucking liz hurley man put her on ice hell yeah she can be she can be i know

someone who knows liz hurley no way how the hell who did who was i talking to about this they work with liz hurley and i was like oh my god liz hurley and they were like yeah oh i remember oh don't tell me i said don't spoil the she's nice in real life at all she's lovely i said oh my god i've got such a crush on her and i said would you like to meet her i was like yes yes yes very much yes and they were like well you know maybe when you come to the office you could maybe if she's in you can say hello i was like oh yes, yes, yes, very much, yes. And they were like, well, you know, maybe when you come to the office, maybe if she's in, you can say hello. I was like, oh, my God, I'd fucking cream in my pants.

I think they were a bit put off by your excitedness. No, no, they understood. They understood. It's Liz Hurley. What if you met her and she had, like, really bad garlic breath or something? I wouldn't care. I'd go home and eat a load of garlic. Yeah, like a really big bogey hanging out of her nose.

I imagine that her breath probably smells like really sweet fruits or something. Oh, for fuck's sake. Is she on your list of allowed, you know, everyone has this list of allowed people? I don't want to shout at your illusion, but my list involves every woman. I'm at the stage of my life where, me too,

yeah. It's literally every single woman in the world. I don't judge. Like, I'm fucking, I'm up for it. What list are you talking about? I'm talking the stage of my life where me too, yeah. It's literally every single woman in the world. I don't judge. Like, I'm fucking, I'm up for it. What list are you talking about? I'm talking about the one which your wife and you have agreed. That's like, you know, she can have sex with George Clooney if she gets the chance. No, no, no. Her list is zero length.

My list is infinite length. Okay? It's literally. What do you mean? She allows you to have sex with anyone you want. If I see a woman, I want to climb on that. That's what I'm saying. Wow. What are you saying? Literally or not. No, but I see a woman, I want to climb on that. That's what I'm saying. Wow.

What are you saying? Literally or not. Jesus Christ. Oh, man. I don't know if I have an allowed list. Like, I don't know if I'm allowed to actually have sex with these women. But I'm damn well going to try anyway. I mean, the problem is there is an insurmountable barrier which is no women apart from my

wife have shown any interest in me in 20 years so it's like me to perfectly standard for women I mean I've never been followed and tapped on the shoulder or you know it's from the Oscars to what follow you on it I have but they're always like they always have big beards and stuff yeah they're like yeah it's hairy dudes right it's like a dude like that like that's it i don't get i don't get girls very often saying that i don't you know occasionally but they're they're instantly disgusted by my real life yeah that's pretty legit pretty legit. Hooray! I've got a creepy vagina! Hooray! Yeah, cheers, lads.

Give them the old thumbs up from a distance. The old thumbs up. All right? All right, lads, cheers. Hooray! There's always a couple of mums at these conventions who are looking out for you, though,

you guys. No, no, no. They give me a patronising smile, like, oh, thanks for making stuff my kids can watch on the iPad while I'm watching telly. Like, that's the, you know, I can understand that. Like, Dan TDM.

My kids love Dan TDM. I know he's a. Man, I get it, though. You know, I'm not like, I'm not young. I'm not like fresh and hip. There's nothing going on here. I don't have any piercings. I haven't really, like, colored my hair in any, like, wacky way recently or anything.

I get it, guys. Yeah, for real. I'm old, okay? And it's cool i got a list i got a list of of women that i think are pretty pretty fucking hot yeah and i'm cool with that you know yeah just just do you know what i've noticed do you know what i've noticed guys is that when i when i hang around with with uh like other parents and like whether there was a big party. Some friends of my daughter's at their school,

they had a party. Kid's name is Aaron. So they called the party Aaron Fest. And it was outdoors in the park. It was a beautiful summer day. They put up gazebos. They had a barbecue. They had loads of booze.

And we were there for like four hours. It was fantastic. We brought lawn chairs from the house. The kids had like... Aaron Fest. Yeah, it was amazing. We brought lawn chairs from the house. The kids had like... Yeah. It was amazing. My God, that really... And the flyer was like a festival flyer.

So I had a crowd of people all cheering and there was a stage. Every year they have Aaron Fest. I was like, this is the best thing ever. It was the best kids party I've ever been to. But the thing is, all the other dads there looked like actual men.

And to them, I felt like a child. Because I looked at them, they had like a man's face you know and they had like they looked like men and i was like how old are you he was like 35 i was like fuck me i'm older than you and i look like a baby compared to these guys they look like tough men you know they look like tough corporate men don't they they always look like they've just been like slaving away at a bank for 20 years or whatever but it hasn't even been that long because they're younger than

you so they're wearing like a nice and the way they stand they stand with these like they're about to launch themselves off of they look far more responsible as well yeah they do and i think women look at them i think oh and they look at me and they think look at his strange sort of ape like gait and it's sort of you know he's squinting a lot and he's got glasses look at his and he's bald rat rat like features places and i'm like squinting because i don't get a lot of sunlight and i've got like a video game t-shirt on and like i haven't shaved in a couple of weeks and stuff and the mole man they call it yeah like i've just scuttled out from my burrow for like five minutes for this party

and so we're like trying to make chat and they're like, what are you, they're all talking about what they do. I know the feeling. And they're, you know, they've got all these business talk and stuff and you know. Oh yeah, yeah.

Me and Tarquin. And what do you do? We're handling the Reese Mogg account now. Yes. Oh, goodness. Have you met Cowfish? Wonderful child. Yes.

And then they're like, what do you do? And I'm like youtube youtube videos video video games and i'm a stay-at-home dad um and i like liz liz hurley a lot and i like have you read it and they're just like okay anyway i was skiing and uh insert funny anecdote about skiing i can't think of one. They always do sort of responsible adult leisure activities too, right? It's always like a jet ski or like they took the Range Rover out to skid around in mud banks and shit like that. I'm just like, well.

I took the kids waterboarding or whatever that thing is. What is it? You get a board on water. What's the thing? Wind surfing. Paddleboarding. They didn't know what it was called. See, I didn't even know what it's called.

Waterboarding. Waterboarding. That's something a bit different. That's a torture, isn't it? Still, I think that's a good father and son activity. Yeah. Tarquin, come here. You're going to learn how to waterboard a...

A brown person. Let's go to Hounslow. There's lots of brown people there, Tarquin. how to waterboard a... A brown person. Let's go to Hounds, though. There's lots of brown people there, Tarquin. We'll waterboard them. Okay, Peter. Now, when your trust fund matures, you'll be able to do this all you like. But for now...

It's just a hobby. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was kind of so that's the thing i think that's why like if i i kind of feel like if i look like those guys gen general women like your average women that i see day to day like the moms would think i was one of the hot dads but instead they they shun me like on wednesdays when mrs f works from home we both take the kids into school all the moms are talking to her like mrs f's you know she's very bright and bubbly and then you know she's very sweet and people she's very smiley

and she was she's always very well turned out and there's me i'm wearing a t-shirt today a very faded white t-shirt with superman on it and it says don't worry i got this right that's it's just my sloppy around the house t-shirt old shorts t-shirt oh my god exactly and i'm just walking in there just giving the a kiss off to go. Not a word of conversation. No one wants to know. Mrs. F goes in there like, oh, Marty, hi, how are you? Like that.

They can't wait to talk to me. There's moms I haven't spoken to in years. So, yeah. Yeah. I'm just not an attractive person to talk to. That's why I stick to the internet. I think people are attracted to other people who seem to have it more sewn up. They got together and stuff.

They're responsible and they do responsible things and whatever. They're clean. I'm clean. I'm not dirty. Well, I am too, but I don't look it. I'm not like Pigpen from the fucking Peanuts. No, I mean I look a bit like Pig pen at at the best times but i don't actually smell like like how pig pen probably smells does it does it does does like your kids reflect on

on you like so so for example if your kids are like i don't know like being a mean like other kids at school if they're like kind of if you hear about them doing certain things does that reflect on their parents do you think oh their parents must be you know assholes because their kid does this and this to some degree yeah you'll get that like i definitely there are definitely some asshole parents at my kid's school there was one incident that i hesitate to talk about on this on this podcast but i will go on i will yeah my my daughter um has had a trouble with big big big problems She's had a lot of trouble with this other kid at school. They do not get along. It happens.

Yeah, it does happen. That's what I said to her. I said, you're not going to get along with everybody. I don't get along with certain people. And I'm 33 years old. Right. That's what I said to her. I said, you will find in life that there are people you don't get along with.

When you're a grown up, they don't do things like deliberately push your pencils off the table or kick you under the desk or stuff. You know, it's just it's still annoying. You learn to avoid these people and that's how it no instead they just like deny your holiday requests right yeah that kind of shit you know like it happens so this kid this kid incidentally broke her leg she broke her leg right so she's on she's got a car whoa and she's got she's on crutches and everything like that what your daughter is no no no no i would have mentioned that this kid the kid she has a problem with okay okay so the kid comes out of school the other day and she says something to her mom and her mom marches up to me and she says uh my daughter tells me that your daughter was kicking her in the cast like in her broken leg and i i turned like

horrified to my daughter and she was like that's a lie she said i did not do that and i thought i can't believe that my daughter would do that she's not like that and this other kid suddenly changes her story and says oh no no uh no she was poking my elbow i mean and i was like hang on a sec this kid's clearly trying to get my daughter in trouble saying that she kicked her in the cast and i'm waiting for the mum to bollock the kid for giving up this massive lie. And she just says, OK. She looks at me and she goes, so what are we going to do about this? And I said, what do you mean?

I said, well, you know, she didn't kick her in the cast. I said, obviously, you know, I know these two kids don't get along. I'm sure it was, you know, half a one, six a dozen, six whatever of another. You know, I'm sure I used the phrase correctly at the time. Yeah, I'm sure you did. And I can't, you know, it was, it was, you know, they didn't get along. Half at the time yeah yeah i'm sure you did and uh i can't you know it was it was you know six of another yeah it's four four of one and twelve of another your kids the twelve they're like what what yeah huh yeah you know what i'm saying love

anyway the point is i said look i said to the two kids i said i know you guys don't get along you've just been cool love did you no i didn't i said you know you just have to you have to stay away from each other if you don't get along just don't play together and that's fine and we'll talk to the teacher and maybe you know you guys won't sit at the same table and the the mom was like uh okay like as if it was my kid there was a problem i got home and i told mrs f this story she hit the fucking roof she was like oh my god yeah the kid what a disgusting lie to claim that that she kicked her in the cast when she hadn't and then to change the story did the mom do anything no i mean she was like i'm so

glad you're the one that does the school stuff because she would have had a she would have had a fucking meltdown mrs f would have gone off the deep end right there and i'm like surrounded by like 100 other parents and stuff i'm like i don't want to be the one losing his shit in the playground so i was just you know i just handled it in a responsible way under the radar if it was your little daughter i would have i would have considered her to have actually done the kicking no no no no no no i reckon the plot twist is that she actually did kick her no no she didn't i've seen her she's mischievous she's not she is a very cheeky girl i reckon she kicked her in the cast. No.

I would have done. All right, Lewis, in that case, why did the other kid change her story? I don't know, baby. I don't know. Go on. Maybe she was intimidated into changing the story. Yeah.

Bullshit. Maybe your little daughter had given her the eyes. No, no, no. Because I'll tell you what, this kid's caused problems for other kids. And after hearing this, people overheard this conversation.

Other parents said to me, she's been a problem for my kid too. I was like, you know what? No, we came up with a plan. We're going to waylay her

after school one day and kick the shit out of her cast. Just kick that cast. Here's the thing, right? I think that you both, right? Your kids take after you

a lot, right? I meet Sips' kids right? Your kids take after you a lot, right? I meet Sips' kids and I'm like, this kid is a troll. He's learned too many troll things from Sips. And I meet your kids and I'm like, your kids are cunning. They know how to get back at people. Yeah, I reckon she's an absolute terror.

I reckon she's traumatizing that whole class. She's kicking them all in the cast. She's lying about it. She's got them all under her thumb. she's got a whole little empire there she's just you cannot ambush a kid and kid you can't implicate yourself like that you've got to pay somebody to do it you're right shit editors editors remove this from the pride force podcast i don't want to be implicated right and you guys are accessories now as well. I know. You've got to pay Randy to do it instead. Say, Randy, I'm going to give you three weeks worth of apple juice boxes for your lunch.

And you're going to kick Alphage right in his fucking hockey injury. Right in her leg cast. Man. Oh, my God. That was the angriest podcast we've ever done, I think. That was furious. Yeah, and also it really fucking peaked when we were talking about red rising as well god there was lots of anger we got like um we got like a lot of it built up though because you know we haven't done a podcast we need to get it out it is it was nice yeah it felt good

geez oh now i don't have to go strangle a puppy after this. I feel like I don't need to do that now. So that's at least a good thing. I'm going to have to Google some images of Liz Hurley. Okay. I'll do that instead. Well, everyone will do what they need to do. And cool.

I'm going to go and learn how to fix a hole in the wall. Nice. You guys. Talk to the guy at B&Q about it. I'm telling you. Okay, I'll pop down. I'll pop down. Yeah, nice day. Damn, Liz Hurley. She is beautiful. We're going to go. and nice you guys talk to the guy at B&Q about it I'm telling you you won't regret it I'll pop down yeah

nice day damn Liz Hurd she is beautiful we're gonna go thank you everyone for listening this week we'll see you next time thanks

thank you if you're listening Liz get in touch peace bye