Triforce! - Triforce! #49: Sips Enterprising Smutty Advertising

Episode Date: July 19, 2017

Triforce! Episode 49! Pyrion's built a bird bath, Lewis loved his childhood and Sips has a brand new business plan!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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19 and over and physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See casino.draftkings.com for details. Please play responsibly. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast with me, Lewis. Also here is Sips from Jersey. And Ted.

Ted Woodpidian. Alfage Heath. Poor Ted. Good afternoon. Ted Woodpidian, Alfage, Heath. Poor Ted. Good afternoon. Poor Ted. Sorry. So,

how are you guys doing this week? You been up to anything fun? You had a nice time? You done anything enjoyable? Or if you just, is it just, is it just, is it just zip by like all time and life?

You know, suddenly, so did you ever blink and think, damn, time is, sorry, I haven't turned my phone off, obviously so did you ever blink and think damn time is sorry i haven't turned my phone off obviously do you ever blink and think my dink is pink i wink do you ever think like like and stink i have these moments okay where i'm like man time has gone by yeah occasionally just you're excited for something you're like oh i'm looking forward

to this holiday looking forward to this thing and then it's over like like a flash like life flickers by fast sometimes do you ever stop to think about that how fast time goes by i don't know i'm just like i'm gonna blink and i'll be an old man i think tomorrow it does go very quickly it's true there's an old saying that goes life's a bitch and then you die yeah that's why we get high because you never know when you're gonna go that's it's an ancient proverb queen's bridge yeah yeah yeah it was written on parchment and passed down that's exactly it yeah so from the ancient ones yeah i think my my brain pretty much every second of every day at some level is thinking, holy crap, yeah, time is passing.

I wouldn't change anything. I mean, the thing is time passes faster when you're busy and also when you're enjoying yourself. True. When you're not having the perception of time, like if you're bored or you're waiting for something, an hour can stretch on forever. You load up RimWorld and suddenly four days of your life have vanished down a hole.

RimWorld never did that for me. I don't know why. You're not exactly happy at the end of it either because of all the fucking bullshit that game throws at you too. But that's another subject. It's a trial, but I don't know another it's a it's a trial but it's it's i don't know like there's a certain happiness in getting things done especially if you like finish it or something like that you know it's like yeah i don't think you get the same satisfaction from those kind of open-ended games as you do from putting down like closing the last

page of a book and yeah up there and being like yeah i think if it's done well like in witcher three i think it was done perfectly because it felt like an open world game but there was a plot like a definite plot to follow yeah that was itself a really exciting and a good story and it was unexpected and there was crazy stuff and weird stuff and funny bits and it was like to me witcher 3 was the best role-playing game ever made for the pc like Like, it blew me away. And I finished it a couple of months ago because I sort of started playing it, stopped, went away, came back, and I got back into other games, and then I picked it up again and I'd forgotten how to play.

So I just started all over again from scratch. I played it all the way through, and it was incredible. It was absolutely incredible. It's good. It's a really good one. I think that's what RimWorld, not rim world sorry skyrim i think that's what rim world should be more like it should be an open world fantasy game should just be better but skyrim skyrim lacked that i mean it's like oh you make your own story but most of the time you're walking around in a village looking at a tiger who's saying you know stupid stuff to you it just kind

of it lacked coherence to me and it was like oh there's a dragon over there i mean that's in witcher you're like oh shit there's a monster over there i'm gonna go fight it whereas in skyrim it was like i'm just gonna mosey around and maybe i'll find a cave and go down there and get owned by vampires or something yeah don't get me wrong i really enjoyed all these games but i feel like the witcher did suffer a bit from that skyrim thing of uh you have to save the world the world is in peril and by the way if you'd want you could wander around for 22 weeks just pissing about just doing anything helping out a gran yeah you know digging a hole they're closing in on the tower and you're like let me just gather these herbs

real quick and it's like okay i mean i always thought that sort of sucked a bit of the the story joy of of out of those types of games then again i do prefer the ones that let me set my own pace i don't know gaming is it's really interesting there's a bit of something for everyone and i and debbie i encourage you to just try everything until you find what makes you happy yeah but yeah i used to get a lot of pleasure out of finishing finishing games i think back in the day and more recently you know i was talking about wolfenstein and doom yeah those experiences were very very good um you know you just you you played through the whole thing and there wasn't too much side action going on not too overwhelmed because sometimes it's like there's too many choices sometimes if you're if you if you're arguing with your significant other about where to get food if you give her two choices

right then it's much easier for her to pick whereas if you give her 15 it's like yeah you're overwhelmed with choice and you can't decide at all yeah um it's like it's like as a vegetarian i find it very easy to order from menus now because there's only two choices so i'm like oh i'll have potato or chips i will have i guess i'm having one of these two so i'll have that one have you ever had chips with mashed potato on the side well i'm not talking about you at a steak restaurant uh since like you know going to morton's and go with you as a vegetarian yeah them looking at you like down down their nose like there's surprisingly victorian school teacher i know they're surprisingly

accommodating though fun funny how that works like they still want they want you to eat up and get the fuck out before you ruin their reputation so we're gonna we're gonna bring you the mashed potato with baker bits you're just gonna have to suck those and spit them out morton's it's not it's like i like going because like the people that i'm with always like really want to go and stuff and it's it's it's fun like the food like is you know what i can eat there is is really nice and like all the steaks and stuff look pretty good and stuff too but like i'm surprised every time i'm in america like just how much bacon they put on like everything like everything

just comes with bacon by default yeah it's crazy they really love bacon it's not really real either is it because I've seen like I saw

how it's made it's kind of made incredibly artificially you know they actually like it's almost like with a giant printer they basically just

get this big load of pink ink and a big load of white ink and they just literally kind of splodge it out onto this this thing and then slice it up it tastes as good as incredibly tastes boy is that ever appetizing wow yeah but i mean at least at least english bacon is kind of you know slices of

resemble something at least that's a living thing that was murdered and then turned into bacon i mean i mean i suppose american bacon might well be vegetarian. A lot of these things are. Chicken pot noodles are vegan, I think, actually. It's just powder, isn't it? It's just onion powder. They're entirely chemicals and flavorings and stuff, yeah. By the way, there's been a tweet directed to us at the Triforce podcast

from Laura who says, I'm the girl that Lewis met at the traffic lights. I do love the Triforce Podcast as well. Holy crap. Oh, my gosh. Laura. Wow, there you go. Shout out to Laura.

At least you didn't even ask her what her name is. Yeah, I didn't even ask her what her name was. You know, I'm that kind of guy. Just love him and leave him. According to her Twitter profile, she's a crazy feminist, award-winning writer, and a cat lady. I mean, she's an award-winning award-winning writer, and a cat lady. She's an award-winning writer. Crazy feminist and a crazy cat lady.

She loves tea, she whines about job hunting, and pine over her cat as well. Oh, cool. Well, I'm terribly allergic to cats. I've learned this mistake. Well, that's not going to happen then. Yeah, it's kind of a deal-breaker. I mean, that was why me and Hannah broke up up it was like you know she wanted cats i didn't

want cats well i couldn't i couldn't have cats right i was i was infertile for cats i guess i was unable to to conceive cats talking of conceiving right i've got a question for you i've got a question for you i was i've got a bird table in my garden now i think i mentioned it previously and uh the birds are all over right they love it first one's out there when we put Got a question for you. I've got a bird table in my garden now. I think I mentioned it previously. And the birds are all over it. They love it. The first ones out there, when we put it out with a robin, brave, brave Mr. Robin came flying out like a shot because I put mealworms out there and they love them.

Boredly brave Sir Robin. Yeah, he just came flying out. He was like, yeah, bird table, whoa. And now over the couple of months that we've had it, other birds have seen this brave robin leading the charge to the bird table. now they all turn it up we've had all sorts is it like a cheese board then yeah it's got it's got seeds and a large selection of seeds on one side 10 different rights no no they're just a selection right it's like a it looks like a selection i mean there's a whole bunch of different kinds of they try to dump the seeds out on the ground so that

all the birds can get it because Because I've seen that happen. No, no. Hang on. Is it got like a tube feeder or something? No, no, no. Why don't you describe this bird table to me? I would love to explain it to you. All right. Let me describe the fucking bird table, lads.

I'm in the middle of describing it. And you're asking me questions about what it looks like. Is it made of stone? We're interested. I'm trying to tell you. Is it made of stone? No. It's made of, it's a wooden table on a long sort of leg if you like so it looks like a

hat stand but instead of you know the curly thing for hanging hats and coats on at the top it's like a little house like a little gazebo house that's open on all sides with a little roof yeah i know okay it's got a platform under the roof that way you like it's about the size of uh uh a bowl a large bowl so imagine a large mixing bowl that's the sort of circumference okay so okay did you get this i got it in a garden center okay good squires garden center shout out to squires how much was it yes i don't know 60 quid or something like that is it painted yeah it's it's fully it's fully finished and everything does it have like decking stain on it so that it doesn't go grey and shit? Yes, it's treated for weather, right? So on one half of the table I put seats.

What a bad question. How have you attached it to the ground? It's on a stand. What are you talking about? Yeah, it comes on. It's like, imagine a hat rack or a coat rack. That's what it is. It's got legs.

Can you guys hear me? Test. Test. But it's a single post. I didn't realise you got all this for 60 quid. I literally said it's like a... This is a steal. I said to you it's like a coat stand or a hat stand

and you were like, nothing. It sounds like something that Jacob Rees-Mogg would get for his fucking tiniest child. Yeah, I get it, man. I was looking at those. It's bilious. Go out and live in the garden. Well, you know what?

We almost don't live in a fucking basement, mate. That's what the problem is here. You haven't got a garden or the outdoors. You live underground like a mole man. It's a garden flat. It's a basement garden flat. It's got a garden. I've got a garden.

Yeah, why don't you get a fucking headstand bird bath thing as well? Can we go back to my question? It's an important question. What's your question? So I saw a robin on the table, like as usual, he's out there. And along comes Mr. Blue Tit, right? And they're hanging out and they don't seem to mind each other. And I'm thinking, how come robins and blue tits don't have like half robin, half blue tit kids?

Why don't they get it on? How are they so into their own particular species of bird that you never get a crossbreed? Where's the half pigeon, half magpie? Where is it? Where's the pig pie? I see what you mean. Where's the crossbreed where where's the half pigeon half magpie where is it where's the pig let's see what you mean you know where's the mongrel where's the pig pie yeah where's the half crow this is always mongrel dogs all over something else yeah but dogs all came from one species so i guess they're just able to identify another dog but you've got all these different species of bird that are the same size and roughly pretty much the same damn bird but they're not getting it on with each other why not what's stopping them would it be possible is my question and if

if so how come it doesn't happen very much because you'd think if you're stuck i mean look at the palaver you got go through as a male bird to get a female bird interested right you'd think at that point they wouldn't be too fussy and they'd just be like any female bird that shows any lick of interest i'm all over that and we're making some eggs do they tweet do they do they sing to each other is that how they do it like they do yeah all right and the best singer gets gets all i think maybe the women are very very picky that might be it what and they're like i'm not sleeping no blue tit i mean are birds racist is the question i'm asking. I believe so. A bush tit. Blue tit. I think they are racist, actually, yeah.

Why are you calling it a bush tit? I don't know. It sounds funny, so. Bush tit. Sounds funnier than blue tit. Bush tit. Or great tit. I think all of them sound great.

A great tit is as good as it gets. A big tit. So are you just, I mean, let me just paint this picture here. So you wake up in the morning, there's a little bit of bird song. You rise out of your bed, fully erect and nude. And you walk over to the window, you pull the curtains aside, and you hold up your cup of tea, and you sip it, and you look out at the birds frolicking, enjoying their mealworms on the new bird table.

That's not far off the way it is, it's true. And you just, you open your window a little crack and you sniff the morning air and you're like, ah, life is good. Yeah. That's not far off my morning, yeah. Yeah. I wake up. If the kids are still asleep, I'll go downstairs. I've got one of those old-fashioned kettles you have to put on the hob because it makes a pleasing whistling sound and it feels a bit more...

Oh, you haven't. Yeah, it feels a bit more dadsy, you know? Yeah, it does, doesn't it? And that wakes everyone up with the little whistle. Yeah, a little whistle. It's a nice, comforting sound, isn't it? So I open the... We've got, like, those...

Yeah, exactly. Is that one of those? But charming. It's like an air raid siren. Not just like like that it's a pleasing sound okay you make the Mickey Mouse pancakes

no god no Mrs F makes the pancakes I'm rubbish at it she's really good hey kids come and get your pancakes yay daddy and then everyone runs downstairs

oh it's heaven I imagine it just as this track oh have you seen my slippers, young lady? Oh, yes, daddy. Let me fetch them for you. Oh, look, the morning newspapers arrived. Hello, postman. Hello, young child. Oh, look what's in the newspaper today.

It's like, oh, god. Let me, oh, you sit down outside. You put your feet up. Oh, it's heaven. It's heaven. This is my life you know i mean you think you're joking but this is literally what it is nice oh let oh my gosh like it's it's wonderful it's a wonderful dream is that it's everyone's everyone's dream yeah did you i mean what was it like with you were a kid though did you have these like fam this warm family kind of environment of things

like that like that whistling castle that woke you up in the morning do you mean do you have these like fam this warm family kind of environment of things like that like that whistling castle that woke you up in the morning do you mean do you have any of this stuff um no not really i mean i mean i remember my dad had to wake me up very early to go to school every day and he was very good at it you know i had to go because i went to school in chelmsford which was about an hour's or hour and a half's journey from where I where I lived every morning and you know you had to be there for 8 45 or 8 30 every morning so you know that meant I was up at like six in the morning every day what the hell did you do on your commute and and in that day and age like that must have been really boring honestly it was hell seven years of like an hour

and a half to school every morning was was was hell. And I vowed never to get a bus anywhere ever again after that seven years. And I have not stuck to that. I get buses all the time. I like buses though. I guess like seven years of an hour and a half and back every day on a bus has shaped me. The bus problem has been solved though, thanks to phones and iPads and stuff like that. That's true. If you have an hour and a half commute, though, thanks to phones and iPads and stuff like that. That's true. If you have an hour and a half commute, yeah, whatever.

Just catch up on some Netflix or whatever. It really wasn't too bad. I did a lot of homework on the bus, which was actually totally, sounds like it's bad, but it was such a long bus ride. You didn't have to do it the night before. I mean, why not do it? I mean, I did mine on the way in because I'd forgotten it. And inevitably someone would say, did you do the geography homework? And I'd say, what geography homework? And they'd say, this one, you in because I'd forgotten it and inevitably someone would say did you do the geography homework and I'd say what geography homework and they'd say this one

you idiot and quickly do it I'd like half an hour so it sucked yeah I was bad at school I hated it I hated the homework I hated all of it school I'd have this routine like where because I'm still the same today and I'm sure a lot of people are like it's the way you wake where you have multiple alarms to wake yourself up right so you wake up and you're like, oh, okay, I'm kind of awake, but my alarm's going to go off in half an hour, so I'll sort of doze for half an hour and do that. So when I was a kid, it was sort of the other way around. So I would wake up in the freezing cold.

My room, for some reason, my room was freezing, freezing cold. So I'd get up, put a dressing gown and slippers on, and I'd go into this soft chair near the kitchen while my dad i don't know cooked something like made some porridge or something and potted around so i would wake myself up over the course of about 20 minutes lying there in the kitchen freezing cold and then you know we would he would send me off about you know quarter quarter seven or something man that was that was i used to walk to school with a couple of friends

and my alarm clock was literally the doorbell when my friends would turn up and be like, hey, you ready? Yeah, just give me one minute. And I would just quickly get dressed and grab my stuff and brush my teeth on the way to school. When I was really little my mum would wake me up

and I'd be ready to go and stuff but yeah when I was older the time I remember is between when I started secondary school through to like when I was like 11 through like 13 or whatever I think school's weird though because I think school's really important

when you're really really young but it's less important I think school's weird though, because I think school's really important when you're really, really young, but it's less important, I think, when you hit around 10 years old. 30, 35, you think is less important. When you're between the ages of 10 and, say, 16, I don't think school is at all important at that point. I think it's just because there's nowhere else for you to be, so you have to go to school so somebody can keep an eye on you sort of thing but like um i don't know like i'm pretty sure from the age of 10 to 16 like i didn't learn shit at school like i didn't yeah well i feel like you probably learned a lot of shit but it wasn't really applicable for anything at a certain point you're learning stuff that you're never going to use yeah i mean i i learned latin and you know all of this biology of physics stuff that i actually never ended up using even though i did a degree in chemistry i learned a whole bunch of a lot of the stuff the way i always

described it though was you show the capacity for learning yeah that's what that's what exams are it's almost like this incredibly tedious yeah they teach you how to learn and how to be resourceful and how to find stuff out and stuff i get that but i think that like really it's just kind of like yeah i don't i'm not saying that i like a 10 to 16 year old needs a babysitter but it is just kind of glorified babysitting isn't it because it's like where else is a 10 to 16 year old person gonna go on a daily basis all day like they can't really go to a job yeah um so like you know and you don't want them just hanging out at the mall all day either because that's kind of weird so like you might as well go to school and socialize with people if i would have my own choice i would have never left my room i would just play video games all

day every day like i did on the summer holidays yeah pretty much yeah but i think school was a pretty good thing to get you socialized and and like you know like a lot of parents work and stuff and they'd worry about you if you were just home all day in your room playing it like you know you probably wouldn't really feed or water yourself and then they'd come home and they'd have like a 10 year old who died of like a heart attack because he doesn't sleep or eat or or anything sort of thing and that's that's why school exists is the tldr on that one so so yeah i mean i i have these sort of cozy i guess memories associated with being a kid and i wonder a little bit what your kids are gonna gonna have as their cozy memories associated but i think that that sort of whistling, that routine of that comfortable, safe, cosiness is a nice thing, right?

It's a nice thing to have. It is. There's so much comfort in my kids' lives compared to when I was a kid. Like when I think about my oldest daughter, she's like eight and a half. At that point, my parents had just got divorced. So I'd moved to the UK and everything was really miserable and we didn't know what was going to happen and when i started secondary school so i was like when i was about 11 or 12 and and everything you know the flat that we were living in we didn't have central heat and we didn't have double glazing and all we had were these gas fires that you had to you had

to hold down a button and fire them up like old school like click click click and this thing would come on and a tiny amount of heat would emit from this thing. And see, we wake up in the morning, it'd be freezing cold, like absolutely freezing cold in the house. There'd be frost on like the inside of the windows, it was that fucking cold in the house. And I'd have to get up at about 6.30 in the morning to get into school for 20 past eight, because it was similarly a very long way to school, it was like a two bus journey and all the rest of it. And I'd go into the living room, my mom would bring me some breakfast and all there was on television in those days was laurel and hardy harold lloyd or the three stooges on bbc2 from like 6 30 till 7 that was my tv so i watched these ancient um like slapstick comedies for like

half an hour glumly eating my breakfast and then because my clothes would be so cold i would warn them in front of the fire and then put them on as fast as i could to try and warm up and then go to go and get the bus like some victorian this is this bearing in mind this is the fucking 80s not the 1920s that that that fucking england in a nutshell for you what the fuck it was it was so bad and um oh i don't know it's it's character building no it was like dark i'm going to school there was no one on the bus with me because my friend my best friend by the way i'm sure a lot of people still have this except for now they're watching everybody loves raymond in the morning do you know what

i mean it's probably exactly the same for a lot of them i don't remember ever being cold when i was a kid and i grew up in a fucking country and in a in a region of the world where it was like minus 40 for six months of the year and i was never cold so what the fuck england get your shit together i think that we're just not very good at dealing with it though you know you are very aware it's like where you live if you live somewhere that snows all the time yeah you are completely adept at dealing with that that is totally a normal thing whereas when the one or two days that it snows in the uk the whole place just shuts down yeah we don't know what to do no and so it's the same thing with cold literally

don't know what to do because because the climate's usually so mild we don't have air conditioning anywhere it's just not a thing you know whereas i guess in canada um it just feels like it's built around that certainly when i went to vancouver um you know it felt it felt like sometimes it felt like i was at a ski resort in a way because you'd walk into places and you'd realize oh okay this place is built with my in mind that people are going to come trudging in here with the massive freezing snow jackets and covered in you know the welly boots kind of thing you. It felt like a lot more like that, but prepared for it and to deal with it. It was interesting.

I mean, we've not had a hard time. But also, I think some of these memories are good in a way, P-Flex. You know, like huddling up around the TV and heading off early when it's dark. I mean, it's exciting for a kid to be able to do that stuff, I think, and fun. Are you fucking nuts, homie? What? Are you fucking nuts? Crazy. I went into school, it's exciting for a kid to be able to do that stuff, I think, and fun. Are you fucking nuts, homie? What? Are you fucking nuts?

Crazy. I went into school. It was dark on my way into school. I was the only person on the bus. It was depressing. It was really depressing. I was cold and hungry and fed up before I got to school. Oh, it's carriage building.

It's carriage building. Where are you from? It's so built. I mean, I don't know. I think there's a lot of people who are exactly in the same position today. Yeah, and it's not good.

Oh, it's character building. You sound like a Tory. You sound like fucking Rhys Mock. What do you mean? No, I don't. I believe it's character building for these poor people to endure

and feel shitty. I had to do this as well, P-Flat. Think of the stories they'll have. I wasn't driven to school in some sort of golden carriage

on a horse I know but the point is quickly bring round the carriage for young Brindley who has got

his foot warmers today make sure his tootsies don't get cold it wasn't any of that it was the same shit I had right

and do you think it was cool or do you look back now on it fondly because you don't live that way now? Imagine if you'd lived like that all your life

and you were like, fuck me, life is horrible. Let's put it this way. I wouldn't change it. You know, I think it's formed a part of who I am

and the memories are positive in general. They're not negative, really. It's okay. When you're a kid also, sometimes you get used to it as well, or anything. You know, people get used to stuff. This is all justifications for keeping people poor.

You know that. These are the same arguments. They're used to it. They don't mind it that way. That's just how they live. Whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not what I'm implying. I'm not saying you're saying that,

but I'm saying the arguments you're making are very reminiscent of people who think poor people are just that way well that's all i'm saying well i mean i'm not really i'm not really talking about that i'm i'm talking about someone who chooses to live out in the sticks right in an old whistling barn house or whatever and they're not poor you know right but that's someone who's put themselves in that situation that's someone who said poor i want to yes we were fucking poor we were really poor yes that's why it was like you know you like so what are you sort of rounding a do a warp like in an old blanket a dirty old blanket eating like your breakfast which is a tin of beans cooked on a fucking roaring fire a fucking fire in like in a holy barrel, like out in an alley.

Like one of those braziers. Me and the other tramps would wake me up. School boy! I had to pick pockets on my way in and out of school. Well, that's the picture you're painting. I stole some silver from the school dinner room

master. Oh, good. Give it here. We'll buy some drugs with it. That's what we do. My childhood was like fucking Fargo. In the morning, we'd have to walk to school. It was like a 15-minute walk.

And if it was winter, you'd just have to put on a lot of layers. And we'd had face warmers and scarves and like toques and gloves and whatever and i'd get to school after walking for like 15 minutes and i'm not even joking like there would be little balls of ice at the end of each and every one of my eyelashes like it was that cold well and um and then you turn up and you know it was just like the just the the usual like your teacher be like cold out eh yeah sure you said you would you said you were never cold a second ago no but i wasn't i like we had everything we had like he was fully prepared we had all the clothes that we needed and stuff like i wasn't i was never actually like freezing

cold but it was just like still kind of shitty and i don't think my character like is all built up like off the back of that it was just a really shitty experience and i'm glad i don't have to ever do it again well i don't know like maybe maybe that's a thing then maybe maybe i mean i i get i get it it it would have been nicer to have the school next door and just to you you know, wake up, roll out of bed at, you know, quarter past eight, pull some clothes on, and then, you know, in the nice hot weather, oh, you know, and eat a banana on the way, and, oh, you know, pick a fresh fucking orange

off the bush as you walk in. Sniff a tulip on your way in and contemplate a little bit and stuff. But, you know, obviously that's not what I had. And, you know, it's still, I wouldn't change it. I saw. I'm just, I thought it was, you can find joy in all of these hardships. Such a lunatic.

You're such a lunatic. What do you mean? It was horrible. My childhood was very miserable. We were very poor and unhappy and it was not cool and i do not consider it character forming at all and i want my kids to be comfortable and not have to to have a shitty life so i just can't believe it they're gonna be soft they're not gonna be hardened by the rough edges of reality they're gonna be they're gonna be infantilized for the western children they're children they're meant to be infantilized they the Western they're children they're children

they're meant to be infantilized they are children they are eight and five they are meant to be infantilized at that age of course I was talking about the I know

anyway my point is kids are still very able to endure and for example our kids were having trouble sleeping and eventually

we figured out what it was because one of them said to us they came upstairs I was away and sometimes when i'm away they both sleep upstairs with mrs f because they you know they know they can get away with it when i'm not there and so they're all sleeping in mrs f's bed and um in our bed i should say and and they said wow your bed's so comfortable not like ours at all and my wife goes what do you mean your beds are fine she goes downstairs and lies on the mattress and it's like a really awful it's because we they've had them for a few years and they've just worn them down so it was like sleeping on the bare rafters of the bed my wife felt so guilty she's like oh my god why didn't you say anything and they're just like well we

just thought you know this is the mattresses that you got us they just didn't think to complain so you're like oh my god so we felt awful rushed out you got like hunchback kids they're all crippled oh it's so bad but they didn't even think sleeping years yeah they didn't think to complain my back's all crooked yeah it was bad but then we got the new mattresses and they were like oh these are so great they were so happy and now they sleep in. We have to wake them up in the mornings, which is great. But they didn't complain.

So I think kids will just... Maybe you need to get them slightly less comfortable ones so they actually wake up. You have to find the balance between not too comfortable ones. I think if I put a pee under the mattress, perhaps my two princesses will be like, oh, father, I couldn't sleep a wink with that pee under the mattress. Before that, it was like, please don't send me to bed, daddy. princesses will oh father i couldn't sleep a wink with that pee under the mattress before that it

was like please don't send me to bed daddy not with all the rats and the mold in the mattress oh it makes it so hard to breathe i'm suffering from the the fungus lung oh my back is so crooked so popcorn lung would be more likely i wish i could hear the birds in the morning, but over the sound of the rats chewing away at the matches. We found a dead mouse under my freezer the other day. Did I tell you about this? Under your freezer? Did I mention this last week? I think I heard it at some point when you told me this.

Mrs. F was working from home and she said, God, there's such a bad smell down here. You've got to do something about it. It must be the freezer. Pulled the freezer out. I was like like there's nothing back here and i the freezer was a little whiffy like there you know it's a it's an old it's like an eight-year-old freezer it's a slight smell of like not chemicals but some machinery you know that kind of machinery smells and you know it's making a thing so i'm thinking maybe she can just smell like the freezer

doing his thing so i push it back in and a dead mouse falls out from under the freezer must have been hidden up under the freezer falls out maggots on it and everything and she's like like this and i was like don't worry about it same fuck me but the cat must have brought it in and then it must have scurried under the freezer and the cat was like well i can't fucking catch it now and just wandered off leaving this poor thing to die in the freezer yeah but uh but she it was it was grim man it was really gross that's really so what did you do just get a plastic bag kind of cover it up scoop it up and just scrape off the maggots and chucked it in the frying pan and we had the mouse surprise dinner well you know we don't get much. Let's not look a gift horse in the mouth. When I was a kid, we would have seen this as a treasure trove of food.

Protein. I would have killed someone for a maggot-infested mouse, Korp. You tell me. With free maggot sauce on top. I haven't eaten in years. You kids are too darn spoiled. I'm going to skin that mouse and wear it like a sock to replace my 10-year-old one. Open the windows and let all the heat out.

It's too darn comfortable in here. Get it nice and cold and frosty. I'm going to have to dry and cure this skin myself by pissing on it and hanging it out over the fireplace. It's going to stick out the place for a couple of weeks but it'll be worth it jesus christ well listen to this master stroke my fellows when uh when when my son when when when my wife was pregnant with the baby okay uh my son had like this like sort of novelty toddler bed you know it was really low to the ground and stuff really shitty mattress uh you know you you could like take it apart and put it back together again it was really low to the ground and stuff really shitty mattress uh you know you you could like take it apart and put it back together again it was shaped like a car and

stuff and that was cool he liked it sort of thing um but like he he got too big for it and it was uncomfortable and we found same thing as as uh as your kids flex he was just like in our bed every night pretty much yeah and we couldn't figure out why we thought he was having bad dreams or something like that and then it turns out that actually his bed was just really uncomfortable and he didn't really like it that much so we're like all right fuck it we're not going to just get him another like you know novelty bed or whatever let's get him like a full size single bed you know like a proper single bed with like you know like with a box frame and like a good mattress and everything and then and then we have it in case you know he does want to like you know sleep in our bed or

whatever one of us can sleep in in that bed because it'll just be like a comfy single bed right and like with the baby coming you know maybe somebody want would want to sleep in that if the baby's up all night god i've got an idea where the story's going now so we had it all planned out and i'm telling you it's been fucking great because every once in a while like when shit kicks off in the middle of the night and then you you find that your bed is filled with children or whatever i just sneak away and go sleep in his bed instead and then sometimes when i'm in his room i feel like i'm fucking seven years old again because like he's got all these cool toys in his room and he's got like airplanes hanging from the ceiling and stuff and it's long story short it's like really comfy and stuff and i'm like sips is now sleeping in his kids room i'm like fucking old and sweaty and i

stink and stuff and i'm sleeping in his bed it's hilarious it's it's nice though it works out pretty well actually oh my god that's great that's really funny and then your wife comes in and wakes you up in the morning time Time for school, honey. And so you're like, oh, I don't want to go to school today, mom. My daughter's doing this thing now where every morning she wakes me up. But it's like she's making offerings or something. So I'm sort of like half being woken up and not paying attention because I'm still asleep.

And then the other day she was stroking my eyebrows okay and that woke me up and i woke up and i was just surrounded by toys like she just put toys all around me like all my beds like what's going on i was like i didn't know what was going on but then you know there was like toys everywhere i'm i had like a like a miniature that's really creepy I had a miniature Thomas the Tank Engine toy Like lodged in my ass crack Like I rolled over onto it and I didn't realise Like that's how surrounded by toys I was Is that what you told them at the hospital as well?

Yeah yeah It wasn't a sex thing I promise I don't have a thing for Gordon the Blue Engine Mr Lovitz this is the third time this month That we found things out of your ass crack. Last time it was Spongebob. Before that, it was a Buzz Lightyear doll. And now it's

Thomas the Tank Engine. It's strange that your kid keeps putting so many things in your bed and they managed to find their way up your ass crack. We're gonna just keep lubing you up and dealing with this. Nurse, put him on a course of being fully lubricated at all times. I don't want lube levels to drop below 99% on this one.

It's pretty important. Yeah, we want the blood lube ratio to be 1 to 7. Blood lube ratio. So, honestly, like, man, I think that is something out of a horror film, though, a little bit. Like, creepy child kind of doing weird stuff to you, making you a shrine. Did she have like a circle of candles around you or something as well? No, it wasn't that elaborate.

But there was quite a few toys piled up on my bed. And then she can't climb up the bed. She's still too small to climb up on top of the bed. So she'll just sit at the side of the bed if she wants to come up and go up, up, up. Like I'm still sleeping and kind of ignoring her. It's just up, up, up. It's just like it gets more desperate. And then eventually you'll have like a dream about being in a hot air balloon and you haven't got enough height.

And you're someone shouting up and you're like, oh, I'm crashing. You know, that's what happens when someone says something to you. It goes into your dreams, doesn't it? Yeah. But then so so then I lift her up onto the bed, and then she instantly laughs and climbs off the bed, runs around to the side again, and goes up, up, like she thinks that's fun,

just being picked up onto the bed just so she can jump off. I suppose that's a nice way to wake up of a morning. Well, I don't know. Also, I think maybe that's a kind of a troll thing though right because when your friends used to fall asleep you put things balance things on their head oh yeah that was the thing right at sleepovers it's like okay somebody go get a bowl of warm water and we're gonna put johnny's hand in the water and he's gonna piss his pants like does that even work

did you guys ever have any success with that like we did the sleep the sleeping someone's asleep you let him sleep for christ's sake i hate it when someone's fucking around like we had a couple of instances where like a guy had his head shaved in his sleep and his eyebrows shaved off in his sleep oh yeah and uh magic marker like you put some toothpaste on their face and they smear it all over yeah yeah. Yeah. That kind of shit. But like, we like, I, I guess it's like maybe like one of those like urban myths or something that if you put a guy's hand in water,

he'll piss his pants. But like, we never got anyone to piss their pants. Like that. No, we tried it. We definitely tried it a couple of times. Well,

let's find out if it works. Okay. We're still trying it. We're still trying it today. We're sleuthing. One day we're going to get it to work. One day we're going to force somebody to. They myth busted it.

Oh, did they? It was busted. It is untrue. Yeah, I figured. I mean, we definitely tried like a dozen times or so and it didn't work. These stupid urban myths. It's weird how these things perpetuate themselves as well, right? Yeah.

Like the whole Michael Jackson removing his rib thing um what himself a blowjob except for it wasn't him was it we've been to this before manson that did exactly yeah i thought it was yuri geller i can imagine doing that i don't know why he just bent bent his ribs with his mind and then i could just imagine it i could just imagine if anyone's going to be doing it yuri geller would be a guy who would do that man wasn't yuri geller on like celebrity big brother one year and he was just fucking weird and creepy as you'd expect he is weird and creepy yeah i remember he was on um what show was he on might have been the tonight show like he's been around for a fucking long time yuri geller i know but his whole thing is that he knew

michael jackson and like that's that's all he has to talk about right that's it yeah and do you remember a guy called James Randi? Have you heard of this guy? Oh, yeah, yeah. The amazing Randi. No, no, no. Well, I think he's a magician, but he's very anti... He was a professional magician.

He's a debunker. He's a debunker, that's right. So he's like anti-psychic powers. Anti-magic. He's offered $100 thousand dollars to someone who can prove to him that he that it's possible and there he had a series a show where people would come on and and he would go on talk shows and debunk stuff and i think he was on the show with yuri geller and saying to him all right do your thing and yuri geller was like well you know

backing out of it and basically saying he couldn't do a sort of thing and And there was a whole bunch in the 70s, this stuff was really big. And it was people like James Randi that sort of shot it down. But the weird thing to me is that he had this TV show where people could come on and try and prove that their stupid trick, which was clearly not real, worked. And it would have to be under these conditions that he would set. And they would still go on the show and try and do this stupid shit even though it obviously isn't going to be possible because they can't set it up the way they they have to have it set up like there was this guy in the 70s

this he was like a karate guy apparently although i don't know how good he was at karate and he claimed he could turn the pages of a phone book with the power of his mind right right you can you can find this on the internet there's all clips of it but what he was actually doing he was blowing he'd figured out a way to blow an extremely concentrated stream of air to turn a page and he would make it look like it was with his chi power and he opened up all these karate skills where he'd teach you chi power and all this kind of crap and he had like a really really weird thin pencil mustache he was a weird guy so James Randi said okay I want you to do this but I'm going to put these little styrofoam beads all over the paper

and I want you to see if you can do it without you know without them moving in any way other than the page turning so the page is there there's all these styrofoam beads and of course if he blows he's going to blow the styrofoam over it's going to be super obvious what's happening and they wanted to do it with like a screen in front of it and he just couldn't do it he said it was maybe the lights or the chi energy wasn't right and everything there was it was it was just fascinating to me that there were all these people out there convinced that they could even do it with james randy standing next to them who's gonna say all right you can do it but you know and he'd insert some other obstacle and they'd be like no i can't do it and they'd rather than just say it's a fair cop you got me they

would always try and claim it would always be some excuse yeah it was they were so adept at making these people these fraudsters are so adept at being caught and being challenged that they have an incredible selection of excuses yeah why on any given day the oh yeah the currents in the room aren't just i'm not you know the the spirits aren't talking to me or something oh it's crazy the way they claim to it is amazing yes that was this million dollar paranormal change i watched i mean he's a really old man now he's like 88 but i mean he's been around for a long time it's a big sort of debunker and i guess he's sort of retired now but i watched i do remember watching a documentary with him quite a while ago

and yeah he went and i think he i think they would they would do they went into some some churches where they were doing this you know healing right right or cold reading of people and basically i think they they found that they this guy was like was able to sort of... This preacher was cold reading people about it. Saying, oh yeah, I heard your uncle Sammy is Pauline. People were like, what? How do you know that? And it was all because he had this earpiece. His wife, right? Yeah, his wife was like...

He got people to fill out those cards at the start when they came in. Write down on this card all the shit that's wrong with you and everyone else in your family, and then put it in this box with your name on it and then she would read to him all right uh her name is Scylla she's in row 4F and her dad's got a bad toe and he would know and I'm thinking wouldn't you put two and two together and think hang on I wrote that on my card that I was asked to do at the start of the show like how are people so dense i know but the thing is those shows are pretty entertaining like we went to we saw one in vegas and like you could spend hours trying to figure out like how he does

it or whatever but the actual show itself was was pretty funny like it was it was interesting and stuff and i think it's it's fine on that fun. But if it's like actually, you know, taking people's money on the belief that they'll get cured. Oh, yeah, that's a bit different. His wife was telling, because Jay's already managed to tap into the frequency that they were using on their earpieces. So he was able to hear all of the little instructions

that she was whispering in his ear oh it was so good i went to um a live uh like a magic show but rather than just be like the traditional like illusionist stuff he was a what they call themselves mentalists so the same way that derren brown is like a mentalist you know he does tricks with people's minds he'll get them to to guess a number and he will have already written it down all that kind of shit and when we got there we got there quite early and there were these two balconies either side of the sort of audience. So you have the audience sat down there in front of the stage, and there were two balconies either side. And these two guys came in, they both sat down the exact same time. And they sort of looked at

each other very pointedly when they sat down across the balconies. And I thought, that's weird. I wonder if those guys are like plants that he's put in the audience to feed him information and There was a bit later in the show Where he blindfolds himself and he asks people in the audience to hold up an object without it making a noise and he will guess the object and I was watching really closely and these these guys were obviously feeding the information It kind of took it away a bit when i saw these two guys walking in alone i mean it's just so weird that they both happen to be on the same part of the balcony opposite each other at the exact they arrive at the same time they both

look at each other and then they both sit down i was like okay these guys are in on the show is it but he wasn't trying to make out like he was using magic tricks he was like these are all tricks you know this is not some power of the mind shit and deron brown's very like that as well he's like these are all just experiments that i can do and it's all suggestion and i like that it's it's an incredible trick and it's so skillful and it requires so much patience simpson mentioned this one we went to in vegas but you know we saw these things in vegas and when we were sat there watching this show i was like first of all i was like i'm trying to figure it out. And always when you watch a magician,

you're trying to figure it out. You're like, well, he must just be, he, first of all, you come to like, I think,

I think the magicians know this though. And they also build this into their act. So in a sense, like you, you come up with a solution. So, oh, he must,

he must just be, this must just be a plant, right? Or this, this, he must just be feeding, giving this person the specific card he wants to give them so that you know and then the best magicians always debunk

that in some way they'll say like you know and i couldn't possibly have done so and so because i mean when they go now sir we've never met have we that's that's no good anymore because people like bullshit you you know each other like come on that's why you know this guy we were watching you know he picked these random people out of this guy we were watching you know he he picked these random people out of the audience and and then you know after the show you sort of we were walking out and you know i watched these people quite closely i was like because i had like an idea that there was this like old this old couple and i thought they must be plants right so i was i was like following them around a little bit uh afterwards just like watching where they went and

they you know they just went watching where they went and they you know they just went off and they had they sort of chatted away and i was just overhearing their conversation and it was totally they were totally innocent i don't know whether they yeah they were totally innocent they they couldn't have possibly been plants but it felt like that was the only way that that it could have like some of these things that were done were so amazing and so clever yeah i could not that they were not they were 100 not plants i love that i love magic like that oh man imagine imagine you're like following them around and they're just like going about their business like old couple they're really innocent and stuff and you're like i'm just gonna see like i'm just

gonna eavesdrop a little bit and see like if i can pick up on whether or not they're plants or whatever and like you know he's's, he's like walking down, looking at some slot machines with his wife and his wife is like, you know, really just soaking up the glitz of Vegas and everything. And you get into range and you're, you're, you're doing your eavesdrop. And all of a sudden he's just like, Hey, so, um, what do you want to have for dinner tonight? She's like, Oh, I'm not that hungry. Like maybe just a salad or something. It's like, yeah,

I could do for a salad. something it's like yeah i could do for a sound hey you want to try some anal later maybe like just for once yeah yeah sure yeah you want to get out like the turbo vibrator five million and then fucking jam me right in my ass or something later so yeah yeah i've already got the tank engine up there that's got to be the gold mine of eavesdropping though right like your perverted side like would would always want to hear like this kind of stuff right in an eavesdrop well it's like that time that duncan saw that woman watching pornography of herself in in the lobby of a hotel it's like you know that's the ultimate i mean that's the one in a billion like eavesdropping slash you know know, eyeballing something. Like walking past and watching a woman watching porn of herself.

That is... Why would you watch that in public though? That's so weird. Yeah, it is weird. I think she wasn't expecting people to just... In a hotel lobby? Catch her. Yeah, I mean, you got to kind of expect that somebody might catch a glimpse.

I don't think she realized that it was like the area that... I don't think she realized that you could see what she was watching from where she was sat though because she was up against the wall i think but there was like a glass sort of panel thing behind her and i don't think she realized that it was like see-through from the other side also you never know what's going to get people off like maybe she's into watching porn in public and that's kind of exciting to her you never know man you never know that's true actually oh yeah she's watching that big oh yeah ginger guy walk past thinking oh he saw he's seen my tits yeah he saw me doing it what's wrong with people fuck me people do get off on that stuff though like it's for real it's a real thing yeah people are exhibitionists and stuff yeah they they love

i think duncan's duncan's definitely the luckiest though are exhibitionists and stuff yeah they they love it i think duncan's duncan's definitely the luckiest though for for seeing that like yeah that's like that's unbelievable he's a real he gets off on doing it in public as well you know really duncan he's a real exhibitionist likes to likes to show off geez i don't know that's good everyone's got their own every every little thing i do think it's weird when you talk to people's good everyone's got their own ever ever i do think it's weird when you talk to people that they've had a relationship with someone subsequently broken up and then have told everybody else what that person was like and sometimes the stuff that you hear you you think

like really that person like it's mind blown people completely change when it comes to sex and i think it is definitely one of the if not the weirdest thing that people are going to do in their lives like when when i think about about how to explain sex to my kids we give kids a very straightforward view of what it's like but what you really want to say is look you're going to meet some fucked up people who are into all kinds of crazy crazy shit yeah and they'll just be walking around like regular people and you won't have any idea how fucking freaky they are when it comes to that it's like they it's just this weird part

of people's lives it can be a hundred percent ordinary and average in every other way yeah but i mean you like shoving pigeons up your ass you know yeah yeah yeah i'm always skeptical when i hear this stuff though because i think i think a lot of people use this sort of stuff to appear to be more interesting than they actually are. Because I think if you're just sort of like a boring average person, you're probably that way in the bedroom as well, more times than not sort of thing. I think, yeah, there's probably a couple of people who are shoving pigeons up their ass or whatever,

and that's fine, I guess, to some extent or whatever. But on average, when people are really laying it on, trying to almost shock you with how sexual they are in private with their dildos and stuff like that, I'm like, come on. Who are you trying to kid here? You're fucking 40 years old. You're a boring-ass mom. Nobody cares anyway, and you're not even doing that.

You're just lying to appear to be somewhat anyway and you're not even doing that you're you're just lying to like appear to be somewhat interesting when you're not like i'm always skeptical about that shit yeah i i sometimes people do just volunteer this information to you like i was talking to this guy and he was like oh my girlfriend she fucking loves eye contact like permanent eye contact like never eye contact throughout like all the time right and i know this this person as well and i'm like i'm like it's changed the way i look at her now a little bit yeah but it's i mean you know maybe i mean maybe it's true maybe it's true and it's just something that you didn't want to know about somebody or whatever but like i don't know it's

probably not true i'm just gonna say you think it's not true i don't think it's oh i don't know i don't think people would volunteer this stuff sometimes i don't know what do you mean i don't know why would they make that shit up that's that's kind of you could see that being a fetish right or not a fetishness but like eye contact yeah like a really heavy eye contact like really you know it occurs to me there are an awful lot of people out there now like a decent percentage of the population who have been in a pornographic film even a homemade one that is now available on the internet yeah that's probably true because i don't know about you guys but it's it's not often you see the same girl in a porno like there are definitely professional porn actresses a lot

of the time it's like it's like this huge cast of characters there's like a million girls out there that have been in porn there is a staggering variety out there that's for sure hang on no i don't think that's the problem i think more likely the fact that you know i you know how easy it is with things like video calling and whatsapp you know if i'm on whatsapp you know doing like a video call with you know with my bitches just suppose i am yeah and it's an evening and i'm like oh i've just just got out of the bath i like might you know show a bit of skin i think it's very easy right to to do that it sounds like an excuse that you're you're laying the foundations for a forthcoming forthcoming scandal is coming out you know this this stuff this stuff travels

around you don't know where it ends up or where it's stored or where it's been copied or anything. Your kids are going to be on the internet one day. Why are you exposing your genitals to handheld devices? That's not something that's even remotely sensible to do. It's going to come back and bite you in the ass at some point, for sure. Because you have a lot of trust in people, especially romantically. You think you're in love with someone, especially when you're young. Well, you know, I'm going to trust this person implicitly.

He's never going to leak. She's never going to show. Just fuck them and have babies like we've been doing for centuries. Like, why do you have to take pictures of your fucking dick and your vagina and put them on the Internet? I'm not even talking about people filming themselves. I mean, this is shit where there's like a cameraman, you know, there's like two people having sex and there's clearly a third person there with a camera. So they know this is going to end up on the Internet because why the fuck is Steve filming this? If you know, it's like he's filming and they're, you know, they're looking at all.

Yeah. You know, they're pointing it up there. They know that they're making porn. And there's a million people out there doing this. So my question is, first of all, how much money are they getting out of this? Like, genuinely. You know what? How much money can you get from porn? I know it's a huge driver of traffic on the internet, but how much do they get?

If you're out there and you're listening to this right now and you film porn or you know people that film porn and make money off it, hit me up. I'm totally interested. I want to fucking know how this works because i i did speak to a woman uh who was very very close to consider very close to actually have have being in porn like almost almost went down that path like she knew people who had done it before she knew she had like a friend who was like oh you should get on this you know you just have to do this and this you know they'll they'll take you to this place this is how it works you know here's like someone who's you know here's one of the videos someone who's done it before you know it's like one day it's like a couple of thousand pounds you know and you know she was like at that time I, didn't have a job, I didn't have any money. I was,

I, you know, but I eventually ended up not doing it because I felt like, you know, it wouldn't, it wasn't right for me at the time or whatever. And, you know, I was like, how, you know, would that, that will like follow you around your whole life? How would you? And she was like, well, when I was, you know, when I was young, like when I was 18, it was, it was just something that was an easy thing. I thought it was exciting I was 18, it was just something that was an easy thing. I thought it was exciting. It was an opportunity. It was a lot of money.

There were all these reasons. And this person was really, really smart and kind of clued up. And I was just very surprised that it could happen. And I think what that goes to show is that I think that it is very tempting in many ways, either as a thrill or as a kind of just a quick source of cash or a thing that your friends are doing it and they have told you that it's safe and stuff.

And so it's easy to end up just taking that step, going from, I guess, like modeling or whatever to that next step. I think it was like through a modeling agency or whatever. That was where the contacts came from. It is a thing that I think can be a lot easier to get into than you guys realize. And I think that the other problem we have

of sending nudes and stuff around is just so easy. Because you're young, you're in love, you've got someone that you trust completely, and it it's the evening you're not wearing very many clothes because it's hot or whatever and right you know i like how you're setting the scene like it's almost like you have personal experience with i have carry on going there's loads of i'm almost you know you two are like oh yeah I really enjoyed this god oh my god yeah

well no it's weird it's weird I guess like I don't I don't when it comes to porn I haven't watched porn for six months now

wow right it was one of my new years it was one of my new years resolutions right Jesus I'm just not going to watch porn anymore and I haven't

and I feel good about that yeah it's been a good thing you feel wholesome no i don't know i think i think porn like i've read a thing about how porn is very um bad for your brain right it's like it was like it's it's basically very it's kind of it's unnatural like we're not supposed to be exposed to all this stuff oh this is one of my news resolutions was to try and try and you believe anything you fucking read don don't you, Lewis? You read an article saying porn is bad for the brain. You're like, that's it. I'm giving it up.

What if you read an article saying it was really good for your brain? Would you get back on it? Wagon. Yeah, I would. What if that became the new health craze? Like, you can lose calories by watching porn. Like, copious amounts of porn. I don't think you will.

Personally, look, we are human beings and we are swayed you know if someone gives me a convincing argument to some to some point of view then i'll be swayed to that until someone gives me a better one based on who's told you i don't believe in stuff just willy-nilly i didn't there wasn't a spiritual advisor who came to me and said oh lewis if you continue spunking your spirit into the ether then you will never be happy and i'll be like oh mystic meg absolutely i'll stop wanking it now i didn't i didn't actually you know i've been thinking about you naked every day mystic meg but now you've told me i've had a revelation. No, it's not like that. It was an actual thing that was convincing. And so, you know, I've felt better for it.

I haven't, you know, I spent a good 15 years of my life, you know, watching every possible connotation. Do you just use your imagination or something? Well, listen, listen, listen. Like the Stone Age? We could talk about it more if you're interested no listen i have needless to say leave though i have another business idea okay i'm not afraid to share it with you guys because it's not something that i would ever consider investing in this idea right so this is

follow up to the strip club and previous strips yeah yeah this one is also um like adult entertainment industry related as most of my business ideas are okay so this one is also um like adult entertainment industry related as most of my business ideas are okay so this one check this out guys it's okay it's fucking it's a good one i think like if somebody did this they could maybe make some money or maybe it exists out there and i haven't seen it or whatever okay so you know there's like a website my wife goes this website all the time it's called uh asos. It's like As Seen on Stars. Right, right, right. So it's clothing that's sold through like these fucking girl magazines, right?

So like Kim Kardashian is wearing a fucking, I don't know, whatever, some sort of fucking tank top or something. And everybody's like, oh, my God, that is such a cute tank top. And so this website stocks it. And then while they're selling the tank top, they're like, Kim Kardashian wore this a week ago. It's hot, girls. Come get your tank top. And that's how they sell fucking tons of shit on this website, right?

Okay, it's crazy. So my wife uses it. She buys a bunch of stuff or whatever. And I'm sure fucking millions of women out there in the world do the same. So my idea is instead of As Seen on Stars, we call the website As Seen on Porn. Okay. Wow. Right.

So you get porns and you do product placement in the porns for like dildos and like fucking like lingerie and shit like that okay so like you can watch the porn and be like fuck that dildo looks amazing like i would love to buy that dildo and then beside beside the window that you're watching the porn and it's like do you want to buy this dildo or would you maybe like to buy this mancini that fucking long dawn silver was wearing in this porn or whatever so like you have like this whole thing and then even further to that okay because if you're reusing porn that exists already for the product placement and like selling the you know people might start getting a bit like

you can't do this okay you can't make money off the back of my porn okay this is my porn so we we'd have to like hi i say we if you if you decide to go down this route for your business venture you hire somebody who can film homemade porn for you so that you can put all the product placement in and stuff and then you can have like a premium subscription so that if you want to watch more videos sort of thing you can pay for that and then buy a bunch of dildos and fucking butt plugs and beads or whatever so what you're gonna do is you're gonna have to watch a lot of porn but figure out what's in the background you're gonna have to watch porn for the other people are doing

this shit anyway they might as well just buy some shit off the back of it you know like if you're just gonna sit around and watch eight hours of porn a day you might as well just fucking buy a dildo i mean you just you're just gonna film a couple having sex on a giant pile of Coca-Cola cans. Yeah, well, I mean, we're talking like stuff. Yeah, like I don't think Coke would be up for that kind of advertising. But I'm saying, you know, maybe like Turbo Dildo 5 million would be up for like, you know, doing like a promotional spot where like you know you test out the product on a willing man or woman in the video and then it helps sell them through the website

sort of thing so there you go before i suck a cock i like to clean my teeth this is why i'm i'm broke all the time by the way like i my business sense is terrible i think it's a pretty good idea i think it could work it's terrible i think that people out there are obsessed with porn and they would watch this stuff anyway and then maybe they'd be tempted to buy stuff you'd have to like deliver the stuff in like nondescript packaging and stuff though right i feel like if you're going to try and do that right you have to try you have to pick kind of a quite kind of um you're trying to, I don't know. The problem with it is your stock, your range of stock is going to have to be so vast because there's so much porn or you're going to need to make sure that millions of people are watching

specific movies that you make so that you can product place in them. And that's the impossibility of it. I don't think that these are problems, though. They are problems. No. If it's seen on Kim Kardashian, you know it's going to be widely seen by millions of people. Yeah, but we're talking about free porn here. But how many views can that be?

How many views? Billions. Millions. It's not. It's not. You don't know, Flax. You're a fool. I do.

You can see the view count underneath the view count you can see the view count even the really good ones have like 100k it's not reaching a big enough audience oh yeah well you say that but if every one of those 100k bought a dildo we'd be rich you'd be rich if you decide to go ahead with this business venture

so it's not me I can't do it I got kids and a wife and stuff I've got the same shit let's just end this podcast right now this business venture. So it's not me. I can't do it. I got kids and a wife and stuff. They would be more... I've got the same shit. Get loose. Oh my God, you guys, let's just end this podcast right now. If you are listening,

why don't you buy a bodega t-shirt available and worn by members of the Triforce podcast? I've had sex whilst wearing a bodega t-shirt. That's all we're wearing when we have sex with each other,

just a bodega t-shirt. It's disgusting. That's right. And you can look as good as us in that. And that does support the podcast. So thank you very much, everyone. We're done for this week. It's been a bit of a meandering one.

As usual, we've bounced from topic to topic. Hey, Flax, just before we go, I heard the birds in the background when you were talking at one point. Oh, yeah? I think the bird feeder works. Good job. Holy shit. Well, listen, we'll see you next time

everyone thank you so much for joining us thanks goodbye