Triforce! - Triforce! #55: Wheelin', Dealin' and Stealin'

Episode Date: October 4, 2017

Triforce! Episode 55! Lewis visits a porn studio, Pyrion reviews everything and Sips loves a good ol' fart.   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, people of all ages, welcome back to the best fucking podcast in the whole fucking world. That's right. Welcome to the Triforce Podcast! Boo! Moose is sick. That was the sound of a horse. Moose has the sniffles. I'm not so bad.

I'm getting, I don't know. It's weird. I'm feeling a bit traumatized. It's like spider season, right? Apparently. Right. And I was told this by Martin. It sure is.

Yeah, I know it is. People give you conflicting information on spiders, right? So some people say, oh, you can't put the spider outside because it'll die. And other people say, oh, you can't put the spider outside because it'll die. And other people say, oh, you can't leave the spiders inside because my auntie left one inside and she found it in one of her pot plants and she poked the egg sac and a million tiny baby spiders ran out and scattered everywhere all over her entire house

and now her house is infested with spiders and she can't live there. That's like the other, the two extremes. So you can either kill spiders. I feel like spiders are kind of the knights of your household, right? They defend your house from other worse bugs. I mean, I like spiders compared to beetles and cockroaches and other shit. You know what I mean? Spiders are fucking top notch.

They're like top of the, I want them around. So if I have to leave a few of them around they're awesome in that sense but I draw the line when there's more than one I can handle just like one fucking renegade spider out there doing work

catching all the bugs and eating them and keeping the equilibrium of the house in check or whatever but like if if if they make more spiders and all of a sudden there's like 200 spiders i'm out like i i don't like that at all i'm gonna be honest with you i i wouldn't mind if if every room in my house had a spider web in it wouldn't bother me but you i mean i tend to i tend to not like the ones that at that point you start living in the fucking Halloween house.

No, it's just they're cool. They're cool animals. I mean, if you look at the spider, right? Look how tiny its little tiny head is. Think about all the amazing stuff it does that's squeezed into that tiny, tiny, tiny little head. And yet they know all the stuff they need to do. It's amazing. And they're so useful.

It's a couple of times. So last night, I was sat there on my laptop, and I saw this movement out the corner of my eye like you do. It's kind of that animal instinct thing of a blurry, just a movement where you know it's unusual. I looked over and I saw a spider, a huge spider, legging it under, literally I guess, legging it under the cover, eight legging it. So I went under there and I was like, oh my God,

there's a huge web under there. And there's like loads of bugs in there. It's like obviously packed full of food for like ages. And so I was like, oh God, I better get rid of this. So it was because it was a big spooky spider. I thought, fuck, I don't want other big spooky ones in the place. So I squashed it and flushed it down the loo. Oh, you didn't.

I did. I'm a monster. But at the same time though. You know what you do with a big spider? The best trick is you get a glass, a see-through glass and a piece of paper. And then what you do is you sort of like put the glass over top of them

and then slide the paper underneath the glass and the spider. And then you've got them contained and then you can chuck them outside. They die if you put them outside. No, they fucking don't. They come from outside. That's from outside they know how to survive one of the things in their tiny little heads that they are that they know how to do is they know how

to survive like that they just know what to do if i were to just be like a big god and pluck you out of your house and chuck you into the middle of a forest how would you get on i'm not a spider if if i was if i was more adaptable than i am currently as like a 37 year old modern day dad probably fine you know what i mean yeah but he this spider has not had a you know six years of education and a university degree like took the roof off of my dad garage while i was in the middle of playing a game of dota in my underpants yeah yeah i'd probably die like i'd be upset and i would die but like you know if god plucked me out of my cave as a caveman and put me in the wilderness i'd be fine probably i'd just make my way back to my cave and like you know eat some berries on the way and shit in a creek or

whatever you know this cave is in in way and shit in a creek or whatever you know this cave is in in the house this is how spiders i think they i don't know if anyone knows the true reality of whether or not i should be putting them outside let me know but i'd seen quite a few around and right this morning what's the alternative though where like squashing them is kind of kind of shitty because they are just dead i've seen a couple already that i haven't squashed right so there's already at least two more in the house. Right. And this morning, you know, I was quite happy

and there definitely had been like a spider like crawling all over my face and shitting in my mouth because he was still in the bed. And I was like, yeah. They bite you too. Do you ever get spider bites? No. Well, I've got this like thing on my neck actually.

Is it like, does it feel kind of like a mosquito bite but it's like not quite a mosquito bite but it's like not quite a mosquito bite i poked it and a few little baby spiders came out is that a problem that's definitely a hundred percent sign that you have been hit by you've been struck by a spider a smooth spider yeah uh oh fucking hell sorry i don't know where that came from but yeah there was i saw one like scatter across the bed when I woke up. And it was like, it was like one of those moments where you just jump out of the bed. And you're like, well, I guess I'm not going back to bed in there ever again.

We had one the other day just like chilling on the side of the couch. And he was huge. And like, my kids were like screaming. They were so fucking terrified. So I did the trick with the paper and the glass. And I showed them the spider. And they were like pretty cool with it. But the thing is when you have kids, you can't just kill a spider cause they get upset. Even though they're really fucking scared of them, they'll

get upset if you just like squash a spider. Like they're fascinated by ants and stuff like that. We had like a little ant infestation and we had to, we had to get one of those little pucks, you know, with the juice in it to like lure them all into it. Cause they were everywhere. Like there was ants everywhere. But we had to like hide. No, just like in the living room, they were just coming in through like this little tiny hole in the skirting board. I think they must've had like a colony or something.

Just like, just found like a sugary treat. You dropped down the back of the sofa. But like, again, when you have kids, there's always like little crumbs and stuff everywhere. So like you're bound to get like a couple of like little ants and spiders and stuff. But we had a lot of ants. But we had to hide the puck because like if the kids saw the puck with all the dead spiders in it, they would have just fucking been traumatized.

I remember that happening a couple of times when I was a kid. Coming home and there would be like ants in a line kind of running running from a crack in the back gate or whatever, the back door, all the way up into a really long line, all the way to the kitchen and up the side of the kitchen thing and into a kitchen cabinet where there's a jar of honey that's just cracked and leaking. Make no mistake, they're organized. They know what they're doing.

They have a serious organizational plan. They've got a system. You know what I read? I read a study about ants a couple of days ago. Apparently, like a decent percentage of the ants in any colony, they don't do shit. They're just like milling about. They just sort of hang out near the entrances to the tiles.

Kind of like humans. Yeah, they're just chilling out. You've got the one guy who's actually doing the work, and then four guys just staring down the manhole. You got a bunch of ants humping back like, the reason that I think ants have to carry 20 times their body weight is most of the ants are too fucking lazy to help them out. So they're like, oh, I'll

carry the giant earthworm. There's 19 ants not carrying their body weight. Yeah, exactly. They had to make up. Boys, we gotta organize ourselves. We've got a bun, a huge bun. And this time, Barry is not carrying it by himself, okay? It's rude. Everybody chip in.

It's a bun for fuck's sake. The colony will thrive. I've got to find this bit of soil. Just look. It's really important. I just stand and tap my antenna on this rock. They're pretty cool though, ants. I love ants.

But annoying when they infest your kitchen or your i did the same thing but i got this kind of it's like sugar and you sprinkle it in a trail and they take it back to their nest because they think it's food and then it kills them all i felt pretty bad but they were all over my fucking house like you put down a cup of tea you look back at it and there's a fucking ant in it like going you know it's like get out of my fucking house yeah the kids were fascinated by the the the ant genocide that we we we wrought upon this tiny community of insects we sort of right you know we found where they were coming out i sprinkled the stuff and they were like is that food i was like kind of so it's like poisoned food and they looked at me like you know the way you try and teach us right from wrong on a daily basis it feels like

one of those wrong things you're killing them by tricking them into thinking it's food i was like look kids you know you've got to draw the line somewhere like it's our house i said how do you think the ads would feel if they were woke up in the morning you were in there eating their eggs they'd be like get the fuck out of our nest so i said it's the same deal yeah they were like yeah fair enough it's gotta be i can imagine your kids like turning to like just look at like slow their heads slowly tend to look at you when you said poisoned food yeah they were like that doesn't sound like a good daddy thing oh man well you had to like rapidly backpedal to explain what you were doing oh my god that's so

i got i got a little i got a couple of stories for you guys today that i remember all right i remember these are things i've never spoken about with you guys before. I've got none because what I've been doing recently is just repeating old stories because I'm out of stories. So I have to generate new ones, I think. That's a common thing to do. You've got lots of stories. But the thing is, a lot of the stories that you tell often

are the ones that are like at the front of your mind. And so you tend to repeat them. But honestly, I just sat and I was just miles away. And I started remembering a couple of things. And I thought, you know what, these are stories I have not told for a long time. And I reckon that the lads would like them. So are you ready? Okay. Yeah. All right. So when I when I was briefly, for what I say briefly, it was like about a two year period between finishing working at British Aerospace. And before I got any other kind of real job, I did all kinds of weird shit, like all kinds of weirdy, birdy little jobs here and there. And one of them that I did was I was

trying to be like a reviewer. So I did like some movie reviews for a website. And I went to, I went to the premiere of Lady in the Water, the M. Night Shyamalan movie. I think I've mentioned this one before. And like Guy Giamatti what's his name Paul Giamatti was there and uh Bryce Dallas Howard was there who was I almost fell over she was so beautiful and we were on the red carpet doing the interviews and stuff like that one one moment so just sorry just to pause one moment so yeah this is like watching some sort of tv show right where they have a weird episode where, like, the, I don't know, like, Trailer Park Boys or whatever, where for some reason they get a job,

I don't know, being a movie critic. And so you are just suddenly now, what, a movie critic? Yeah, I know. It was for a website. It was for a website called The Spinning Image, which did cult movie reviews. I wrote a load of reviews on there right i mean you could write it for any like old movies new movies and anything and i i wish i watched a lot of movies and the guy that ran it was a really nice guy and he would send me um like dvd screeners and he would give me tickets to movies and say

you know because they get them as press he'd just say go and write a review for it like he was a very very nice guy very chill and he knew that his website wasn't ever going to be like a massive website, but it was like a hobby for him that because his press credentials, he gets the passes because these are the guys that fucking do the PR for these things. I have no idea whether you're a big website or a little website. They didn't take the time to look. They just look at a list of people that are movie reviewers and they just fire off tickets to everybody. So I'm turning up there and there's the guy who works for the it's a standard and there's there's uh there was a girl there who worked for total film and everything like that so

yeah all the actual people and then there's you a fucking website right chump guy who's been doing it for two weeks exactly so used to be like i've had a job as a bin man right before that now hasn't worked for like six months children's entertainer before that and now I'm a movie reviewer so fuck it so I went out and bought a dictaphone

that morning and I went along and recorded the interviews and I asked some questions it was kind of funny it was cool what do you mean interviews you had interviews

with Paul Giamatti yeah but it wasn't no no no not one on one let me explain you've got an area I think they call it the press junket I don't i don't know if that's what they call it

but it's like on the red carpet sounds right right you've got all the fans outside and then the red carpet comes in and right in the lobby there's like a you have to stand behind like a velvet rope like you're roped off from the celebs so they stand the other side of a rope and you're on this side like a scrum of people all holding their dictaphones or their phones or whatever to record the audio um and my phone at the time was pretty basic it didn't have like um i mean this was like 15 years ago or whatever not quite maybe 12 years ago so 2006 okay about that so my phone 11 years my phone couldn't record like audio like that so i had to buy a dictaphone i mean that was nokia era i guess exactly it was a long time ago so probably a flip up you know something like that so i'm you know so they come

over and you shout out questions and everybody records the question and the answer so everybody can use it basically and this guy from london standard was in a real huff because us you know non-london evening standard guys were trying to um hone in on his racket and take his time, I guess. And he thought it was like a one-on-one interview when we were just listening to him. So when we shout out questions, he goes, oh, for goodness, no, like that. Like he was really upset that we were asking questions too. So that was kind of funny. But on the back of that, I was trying to get some more review work because this one didn't pay. It was just fun. And there was this guy advertised and wanted, you know, there's all these media websites and papers that you can get that advertise for work.

And he wanted people to do restaurant and bar reviews. And I thought, well, I love both of those things. So I sent him. I can review just about anything. I've been a movie reviewer for a whole week now. I'm branching out. Exactly. I'm branching out.

So I thought, fuck it. If it pays, I'll do it. So I sent the guy, he said, I want you to review the following bar. This is like the job interview. Just review this bar. It was a bar in Soho and I did a review and he liked it. So he called me into the office. He said, all

the other reviews were pretty basic. I liked yours a lot. Come on in. Now listen up, Ted. I've seen your movie reviews. I've seen your bar reviews. How about shoes? We're going to make you review, Ted. I've seen your movie reviews. I've seen your bar reviews. How about shoes? We're going to make you review shoes now. I like shoes. Sure. And then after that, we're going to send you to other countries.

We're going to send you to Indonesia. We're just going to make you review Indonesia. Country reviews. No one's done that. You're going to be a big star, Ted. You're going to be huge. Now smoke this cigar with me. Tell me what you think of this cigar, Ted.

Give me a review of the cigar. Cigar review. Pitch it. Let's go. This guy was called Peter. Very flavorful. It's a lot of smoke coming out of the fiery pipe. I'm supposed to inhale these things. That's good. That's good.

Mary, print that. Run it in tonight's session. Love it. So this guy was called Peter, but Peter with like an I, like Peter P-I-E, okay? So he was just a bit of an oddball guy. Had this weird name, but he was like a classic London,

like a spiv, you know? Like a white boy. He was like the kind of guy that calls themselves an entrepreneur, but they've never started a business and made any fucking money. They just consider themselves an entrepreneur because they don't actually have a fucking job got the blazer with the with the shirt underneath with no tie right they're like

that and a pair of jeans and loafers and that makes them an entrepreneur exactly like a tail boy yeah yeah that kind so he he was uh he had an office it was around the back of oxford street and it was clearly not his office like he had a job and he was doing interviews for his side bitch you know project out of his fucking office so I go in and there's like office people looking at me and they're looking at each other like it's Peter running his little private business again on office hours but nobody's saying anything so I go in and he's like oh let's go out for lunch let's go out for lunch and obviously because he can't do it on work time so we go out for this interview and we go out for a cup of coffee and

everything like that and then he says oh let's go into Selfridges so I was like okay so he's he's explaining his whole shtick to me was you know the London Review of Books no no not really okay it's a very famous like you know literary review it's called the London Review of Books very high-minded you know it doesn't just review like the new harry potter and shit it's like proper fancy books it's like a very prestigious title but as he pointed out to me there was no magazine called the london review so he was going to pitch a magazine called the london review go to all the hotels and places in london and as he put it slip 50 quid to the major to the uh the porter or what

was the guy the maitre d what do they call the major to the uh the porter or what's the guy the major d what do they call the guy that's behind the desk uh that helps you out the the the you know it's a benziner at the at any hotel fancy hotels they have none of the guy he's like the concierge the concierge the concierge concierge so he was like oh you gotta do mate you slip 50 quid to the concierge and you tell him to put the London Review on the top of the stack of magazines in a lobby and they give them the punters when they come in and stay in the hotel and bingo bango there you go bish bash bosh London Review in their hands they look reading our reviews it's a perfect plan I was like all right I was like are you gonna go to every hotel and do this he goes oh if I've got to mate I'll do it

I'm a fucking graft to me you know I'll get the London Review and all these fucking hotels 50 quid concierge bosh job done no problem that's the plan i was like so how do you make money because i want to bars pay us to put adverts and reviews in the magazine that's how we make the money we're going to make loads of money my london review i was like are you associated with like the london review of books he goes no no but they didn't copyright the words london review so i'm just going to sort of get on the back of that i was like oh i see so he says come on let's go into Selfridges so we're you know we'll just have a look around while we're chatting so we go into Selfridges on Oxford Street if you don't know Selfridges is like a huge department store very very glitzy and prestigious yeah and we go in there we're walking around

and he just does this look over on the shoulder like someone that's about to to do a drug deal and just grabs a jacket off the rack puts it on and goes right let's go and we just walk out and I was like are you just like nicking that he was like oh yeah man I do it every lunch time he goes there's no guards

at the front door they're mystified they don't know what's going on so this is a job interview potentially to work for this guy and he's shoplifting

during the job interview I'd never seen anything like it holy shit so I was like right well I better go he's like I'll see you next week

we'll go out for a drink on friday i was like okay because i thought i've got i've not got a job what have i got to fucking lose i'm not a thief i'm just you know talking to one so go and meet him in this pub me and my mate and we go and meet him and he's got this older guy who's like his investor who's like a like a wide boy plus 30 years you know so he's like oh yeah mate london review i think it's a great idea peter's on ideas man he's wearing a lovely selfridges jacket as well selfridges last week he got this one for me lovely oh yeah yeah i think i saw him pick it out actually yeah interesting so you know we're drinking and these guys are like slamming the

the beers down like i can't keep up my mate is with me he can't keep up and we're drinking and these guys are like slamming the beers down. Like, I can't keep up. My mate is with me. He can't keep up. And we're like hammered. It's like three o'clock in the afternoon and we're both absolutely battered. And this old guy's just going, slow it down, all you boys. Like, just sink in a pint. Like, no problem.

Right, get another one in, Peter. I'll pay, of course. And it was just this weirdest fucking thing. And then I never heard from him again. He's like, make this big deal about it. I assume he got either arrested for shoplifting or he found someone else to write his reviews. But it was just, it was so fucking weird. I've never been on a job at U-Boot,

had the person doing the interview steal something right in front of me. It was really something. Fuck me. Some people are so fucking strange. It was weird. It was really weird. I used to work at this place where I did like, we did website design.

We had like a CMS, like a custom CMS that we'd like build a website on for clients. And then they could, you know, update their webpages by themselves. Like it was, you know, like this fancy like backend that they could log into and stuff. So like over here, it's like, it's small, right? So you end up doing, you end up selling websites to like all sorts of like weird places. And like, I don't want to go into specifics just in case like anybody knows who this guy is. But anyway, we sold him a website and he was just the fucking weirdest guy I've ever talked to in my entire life. Like I actually had to pinch myself.

I thought I was dreaming at one point. He was just so bizarre. Like I actually had to pinch myself. I thought I was dreaming at one point. He was just so bizarre. Okay. So we turn up to his office and in his office, like everybody that worked in his office looked like they were like 30 years ago. They were like, you know, like a centerfold or something.

But they were like all older women, right? Like sort of like past their glory days or whatever. So that was kind of weird and and he was like really like loose with them you know like almost like slapping them in the ass and stuff when he asked them to do stuff and everything so that that was weird okay and he's like just like just pretty rude okay he was like like clearly very successful he had a lot of money and stuff he was very busy so so we we get there and he doesn't like meet us at the door or anything. We have to speak to the secretaries and stuff. And we're like, yeah, we got an appointment with this guy. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah. You know, we're expecting you, you know, just go in. He's waiting for you sort

of thing. So we're like, okay, cool. And like his office is like an old house that's been converted into like an office, like an old Victorianorian house but it's like uh like like now an office sort of thing so we go down like the the passage and go into this room like open the door go into this room and the guy's sitting there and he's got like this massive like mahogany desk like really old school like fucking huge desk he's sitting behind it like he's the fucking president or something right he's got like and i'm not even kidding he had like fucking 20 monitors right with like stocks and like markets moving and stuff and all this shit and he's like fucking engrossed right he is engrossed and we walk in and we're like oh hi no answer and he's like

just totally engrossed it was like me and my boss and we like look at each other like what the fuck and he's like ah fuck like super loud we're like oh what he's like ah fuck i lost another one i lost it like just like doing like some stock trading or whatever he turns around he's like super fucking frustrated he's like speak like what like who fucking talks to people like that so we go so we go into it we're like yeah you know like you know we got this thing we got a cms we'll set you know we'll get you a website set up and like yeah you know like you know we got this thing we got a cms we'll set you know we'll get your website set up and everything and he's like i guess he's a bit like like your guy flax he's like kind of knows like a thing or two about a thing or two but not enough

right he doesn't know enough but it's yeah but he's like weary of this okay he thinks that we're trying to like fucking screw him over somehow or fleece him of money or whatever and he's getting like all bogged down in these like really irrelevant details where like he thinks it's too much money for this part of it and stuff like that and the whole thing was just i left there and i and i thought to myself they should make a movie about this guy because he's perfect like he is just so fucking wacky like that like this exists in the real world. It's weird, isn't it? But he does.

And he just lords over these old centerfolds and has fucking 10 screens in his office with his big mahogany desk and speaks to people like they're fucking animals. What the fuck? It was just bizarre. It's weird to me that these people have businesses that clearly do make some money from someone.

Yeah, yeah. His business was huge as well. And you just think, I wonder if all their customers are also old-fashioned stereotypes. Like, he's like, Roger! Hey, what's going on? It's Frank. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, let me just slap my secretary's ass here.

What's that I hear in the background? Were you slapping your secretary's ass as well? I thought so. I thought so. I thought so. Well played. I understand the business. Like, they're the only other people that they could do business with.

The world's gone crazy. Can't slap a secretary on the ass or nobody smokes cigars. How big is his desk? Doesn't have a desk. Oh, I'm not doing business with Obama. Doesn't have a desk. It's like, unless you fit that stereotype criteria,

they don't interest it. The liquid lunch thing as well like man do people fucking still do that like go out at fucking two in the afternoon and just get completely fucking hammered while talking about five years yeah i mean oh for fuck's sake like so many people do that holy shit if you go out in london if you go out at lunchtime like this is if you don't work or you're not working that day or if you work you work from home or you're not used to going out into london during office hours i do sometimes i'll go out you know the kids are away or i'll pop in to see mrs f there's a surprising number of guys in suits at like 3 30 in the afternoon sat in a pub just glasses all over the table just drinking and i'm just like

are you lads at work right now like you must be you must be at work because it's like a tuesday and you're wearing a suit and you're obviously businessmen just battered just absolutely fucking battered i'm just thinking what what job can they be doing you know lewis you're going to japan next week right oh yeah at lunchtime in japan you know what people in business suits do they go play fucking street fighter at an arcade i'm not even kidding probably like a 12-story arcade and it's just filled with like old men in business suits playing fucking you know pokemon and street fighter and stuff before we move on from that little conversation thread that we were on um i really well did i ever tell you about when we looked around the porn studio in bristol i think i have not heard this i have not heard this i want to

hear this so well it's it's it we were looking at like buildings and stuff to move into and this building came up in um sort of east the east side of bristol was the building shaped like a giant phallus no it was kind of like it was it was kind of in the middle of a residential area. Was the door like on that Robin Williams movie where he was like the gynecologist and it was like a set of legs and the door was like the vagina? What, like one of those sort of displays

you see in a museum where you walk up here? I think he was a fucking gynecologist in Patch Adams. Yeah, well, what was that? What was that? He had to have been. Why did he have the legs with the vagina door, though? Patch Adams, he was like a kid's doctor. He's not going to have a vagina door in Patch Adams.

He did. That was in the movie. I can't believe it. I'm going to Google it right now. I'll show you a picture. Patch Adams. Patch Adams. Welcome, gynos at your cervix.

Welcome, gynos at your cervix. Like I said about your cervix. Yeah, there it is at your cervix. Like I said about your cervix. Yeah, there it is. I found it. I found it. Okay. Yeah, look. You're right.

Holy shit. Gynos at your cervix. Yeah. It's like a big, like it's a pair of spread legs with a door. Anyway. Patch Adams. It was nothing like that. It was very seedy and around the corner, around the back and hidden.

So it was a big red building a big sort of big rectangle building and all the windows were blacked out it looked like it was an old sewing mill or something where they you know it wasn't so anyway we we went around me and turps went around this place and um the guy sort of turns up in a big white mercedes to turn up and he's this big guy in a big white suit with a white hat on and he's like a He's like a larger-than-life Oh kind of like porn Baron a joint baron and What a stiff handshake

We get laid by like this this so I think he rings the doorbell some it's like basically there's girls kind of in yoga pants and sort of

like kind of like like they're like between they're living there literally and so they're kind of walking around in yoga pants

in like a crop top and he sort of slaps one of them on the arse as they go by. And these are like 18 to 25, well, probably not 18, probably like 25 to 30-year-old Eastern European girls, okay? And so the ground floor of this place is all white on the floor's walls,

but it's got like a series of, so it's a big open high room with these ancient old cinema cameras in it, right? They look about 25 years old. But they're like the hand-cranked ones. They're huge as well, and they're on these big wheels. Yeah, they look like ancient, the things you used to see back in like 70s BBC stuff. And I was like, holy shit,

these are like relics from the past, you know? And they're pointing at this sort of series of porn sets and they're really stereotypical porn sets right like a hospital bed and you know like a cafe and like a park bench and stuff like really on a sofa you know like a cd i don't know they're just i don't know stereotypical like like weird old old stereotypical 70s shitty porno sets and um there's like on the ground floor as well there's like this um i don't know if they use sets in the 70s i think they just like booked out a hotel room and got a guy in there with a with a camcorder well it wasn't even a camcorder in the maybe it was like one of those fucking shoulder mounted ones it's just you know that

had the vhs tape in in it. It was so shitty. And then there was a storeroom there, like, head-high full of boxes. It all sat on the floor, no shelving, just cardboard boxes. And they had – it was like – I watched an episode of Trailer Park Boys yesterday, and they were going through this storage locker, and they found a storage locker full of cardboard boxes full of old pornos, right? Right. And it reminded me, it was exactly that.

It was just boxes to the ceiling of pornos with the names like Top Gunt and stuff, you know, like dumb. Top Gunt? Dumb parents. Forrest Hump. Well, that was the one in Trailer Park Boys, but yeah, they were all called stupid. Shaving Ryan's privates. stupid shit like that. Anyway, he took us up to, he talked to us about what they were doing. And so he took us up to like the top floor, which was actually so that the roof of it,

okay, so you could get onto the roof. And there was this kind of shitty like dirty sort of stairway where people obviously went up to to to smoke and stuff on the roof and it was like he was surveying his kingdom you know it was this sort of shitty rooftop sort of square that you could stand in and he would like sort of look out over bristol and you know like some sort of weird king and telling us about how he had you know one terabyte internet and how they streamed to singapore and stuff and so we were like we didn't really know what to do and then we went down to like the second floor which was which so it's three three floor thing because the and um obviously the roof is doesn't count but second floor was was basically an active porn studio so they were

filming pornos but they were filming those late night girl twiddling the phones things, right? Where it's like, oh, call in. And so like Babes Station. The whole place was grimy. People smoking, really quite dirty. The cameras were old, the equipment was old, it looked really run down. And then you'd go round to, round a corner and all the lights would be on, all the old studio lights would be all on, the big old studio camera pointing at this scene, and it looked amazing.

So these girls who were walking around in dirty crop tops and yoga pants had obviously done their hair, put their makeup on, done it all perfectly, got into all these soft studio lights, sat on this sofa, this big leather sofa, got all the lights on them, and it was like you'd stepped into an alternate reality you were suddenly detached because looking at that scene it looked so pristine and so like a like an actual palace like like like she was sitting on a sofa in buckingham palace like a super hot girl holding this phone like twiddling it but obviously she was i don't think she said anything you know it was just that she was just there. It was just her saying, call in. Well, I don't think she was even saying call in, but, you know, gesturing, call in.

And then it was all being, because this was about 11 o'clock in the morning, and I thought, who fucking watches this? And, of course, what it's being is it's being streamed to Singapore. They're like, call in. It's like, we got a caller. Oh, hey, baby. What do you want me to do? Can you burp a bit?

hey baby, what do you want me to do? Can you burp a bit? Can you fart into the phone, please? Just fart a little bit into the phone, please. I saw some porn the other day that was girls farting in each other's faces. But it was Brazilian. For some reason, that's big in Brazil. That's how you get an eye infection, dude saw this i'm not a streamer a streamer was advertising like um like vip skype calls okay

and she and and she was like she was like five five minutes like one-to-one skype call or whatever um and i'll and i'll burp for free like that's her thing like she burps i mean fuck me sign me up i'll do that two hours later get on get on a one-to-one skype call you were very satisfied fart too i don't mind jesus give me i just i just think like of all the things that i know we've spoken about people fucking pavements and bicycles in the past but they're the people will sexualize pretty much every single human activity even farting which you wouldn't think would be sexy at all like so much oh my god well one of the weirdest ones is popping spots isn't it that gets really sexy there's a huge huge like popping thing thing. Pimple popping scene. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's absolutely outrageous.

Did you see that big fucking blackhead she had on her nose? Oh, my God. The big string of pus came out of her mouth. Oh, God, that is disgusting. Like, what's wrong with people, man? Isn't there, like, a, yeah, I mean, oh, it's really, really disgusting. But some people absolutely, like, some people are really into, like. Yeah, and then those But some people absolutely like, some people are really into like. Yeah.

And then those same people are probably like, I can't watch pornos from the 80s because the girls' bushes are just too big and gross. And they don't fart enough or burp enough. Ew. Holy shit. I'll take a bushy 80s porn star any day over weird fucking farting and burping and stuff like that. I don't find that at all sexual or attractive in the least. If I fart, it's different.

But if somebody else farts around me, I'm appalled. I think that's disgusting. Shut the fuck up. You are such a fart machine. You're so used to it. You can't be mad at other people farting. I'm a busy guy i'm a dad i'm i've earned the right to fart freely some people are very

self-conscious about farts and the best way to do it is to just just just laugh it off like every fart should be funny okay that's that's my motto now that i'm a bit older they're in sometimes they're involuntary like if i laugh really loud sometimes i'll accidentally fart now okay just make just drop something like drop a glass at the exact moment you fart all people will remember is you dropped a glass was that a fart no i dropped a class oh man that smell then well i must have been in the class all right i got i got another one for you This is

This is kind of a weird one I was a lot younger I would have been about like 19 When this happened okay So Me and my mate Were on the train back to Bournemouth We were from London

And We were looking for somewhere to sit down And we're walking through the train And who do we see But Jake Shillingford I'll let that sink in We're googling him Jake Shillingford? Let that sink in. We're Googling him.

Jake Shillingford. He was the lead singer of a band called My Life Story, which was like a 90s indie band. Jake Shillingford, not foot. F-O-R-D, Jake Shillingford. So he was the lead singer of My Life Story, which was a mid-90s, late 90s. A pop group who peaked in the mid to late 1990s when they were regarded as part of the Britpop movement.

Exactly. Fronted by singer-songwriter Jake Shillingford. There you go. The group was formed in London around 1991 and inherited their name from an earlier group in which Shillingford had appeared. A cross between a pop group and a chamber orchestra, the band's sound was heavily oriented towards orchestral instruments.

Okay. Yeah, it was a big band, right? Right. So they were playing at the Bournemouth International Centre, the BIC, which is like a big sort of leisure slash conference centre in the middle of Bournemouth Town Centre. And they used to have a pool and they do lots of things there. They do conferences and they'll do tech, and there'll be gigs there,

they do, they used to do a big New Year's party there and stuff, so this was the freshest ball for Bournemouth University was at the BIC, and My Life Story were the band that were playing, so we're on the train down, and my mate says to me, that's Jake Shellingford, my life story, I was like, holy shit, so he says to him, are you Jake Shellingford, and Jake Shellingford went, you guys recognise me, like you know who I am. And we were like, yeah, yeah,

we really like your song, like 12 Reasons Why. You guys played Plymouth University a few months back, we came to see you. And he was like, oh cool, cool. He goes,

oh right, let's have a chat lads, let's have a chat. So we went and found, this is on one of those old slam door trains, right? Now listen up boys, I'm setting up a website

where we're going to be reviewing things, okay, we're going to be reviewing music. But? We're going to be reviewing music. But first off, boys, you've got to come round and be selfish, okay? I need you to do a bit of a distraction job while I maybe just speak with a number of guys,

maybe they'll do a London review. Sorry, no, it's the same guy. Different guy. Different guy. Similar thing, but different guy. So, right. Are either you lads big on farting? Because I'm branching out.

So, we go into this sort of, one of the little carriages that they used to have. They were like the first class carriages, but we just went in one. You could smoke in them in those days. So, we were in there smoking away and having a chat. And we were talking about the fact he was going to go play at the Bic.

And me and my mate, we had no plans. And he said, do you guys want to come along? I'll get you into the gig. You could just hang out backstage and be like my groupies for the night and he said do you guys want to come along I'll get you into the gig he could just like hang out backstage and be like my groupies for the night he was like joking

we're like yeah sounds good so we're hanging out with him and we get to the venue and we get out of the cab and he says to the cab driver these are two of my groupies I'm going to fuck them later

and we get out of the cab and me and my mate look at each other and we're like this took a dank turn. Like, this was, you know, is he serious? And then he turns around, he, like, gives us a wink, like, just joking, lads.

We were sort of like, is Jake Schillingford going to fuck us later? Because I want to go home to my mum right now. So we go in, and, you know, there's all the freshers and everything, and we're just walking around with Jake Schillingford, and we're just having a laugh. And he's a very charismatic guy and everything like that.

And we meet all the other band members and they're all completely nonplussed because this is obviously something that he does a lot, where he just turns up with someone. And there were the regular groupies who obviously go to all the gigs and knew all the songs. They were very resentful of our presence as the newcomers, right? So they sort of scowled at us a lot. Oh, really? Yeah. So we were sort of scowled at us a lot and really yeah so

we were sort of just hanging out there me and my mate said this is weird isn't it and he was like yeah and we were so like shall we go he was like well let's just hang out what else have we got to do so we wait until the the gig was on and about 10 minutes before they were going to go on they have a big argument they're arguing they're shouting the drum is very unhappy about something and they're all screaming at each other and Jake Shillingford shouts to the drummer we can always get a fucking drum machine you know

and the drummer sort of frowns at him and storms off and they have this big bust up and then they go and he turns to you and he says

can anyone play the drums and you you reach into your back pocket and you've got your drumsticks there no in my back pocket is a full drum kit.

I just pull it out. It's like a full-back one. And he's like, if you suck my dick right now. This story sounds like one of those things. You meet someone, they seem really nice, and then they're like, hey, you want to come to the gig that I'm doing? And you're like, fuck, this is a dream come true. I can't believe that we're in the inner circle.

We're being invited to this guy's gig and stuff and everything is like going really smooth and then you get to the gig and you watch it and then he comes into the into the back and he's like all right guys now let's do some crack and you're like oh shit yeah i was really expecting that like at any minute take your pants down and drink this yeah exactly, exactly. There's always something fucking sinister in those situations. There was definitely a sinister undertone that we were like, at any minute,

this is going to get really dark and he's going to say something really mean to us. Like, can you lads just fuck off, please? Yeah. Stop leeching off my success. Nobody wants to hang out with you two, you fucking idiots. And all the other groupies are going,

hee hee hee, hee hee, laughing at us. No, it didn't happen. In the end, we just watchedits. And all the other groupies are going, laughing at us. No, it didn't happen. In the end, we just watched the gig again. Then he was like, come backstage, we'll have a party. And me and my mate were like,

let's just go. So we just sort of left. No, you're too fucking weird, Jake. Sorry. We're going home. Mom! Jake said he was going to fuck me! It was weird.

Jake! Stop trying to fuck Ted! It was weird. I'm like, that is a great fucking story holy shit me that's pretty cool though it was it was fun i mean geez it was fun you know even though he's like zed-less celebrity we've been you know it's gonna it's gonna come full circle one day though flex that's gonna happen you're gonna be on the train and two guys from your twitch chat are gonna recognize you and you're gonna be like fuck you guys recognize me and they'll be like yeah yeah we've been fans for years blah blah blah and then you're gonna offer them crack and threaten to

fuck them as well yeah and then i'll ask you guys play the drums because i got a couple of bongos here right in my pants start Start playing my bongos. Can you play the flute? Because I got a skin flute right here. Yeah, fuck, I'm getting excited, actually. Could you whistle old Dixie on my skin flute? Can you guys fart real good? Oh, no.

Do you guys want a Coke or something? Just anything to get you burping. Get burping. Let's have some beans and some Coke, guys. Oh, shit. Fucking hell. Oh, fuck. I don't know if I've ever met any big-time celebrities.

You know, some people are like, I was out to dinner and Tom Cruise was there. And I went over, I said hi to Tom Cruise and we talked for a couple of like, I don't think I've ever met like a big time celebrity just randomly anywhere. But then again, I don't live in the right place. Right. Like this always happens to people like in LA. You see a lot of famous people in London. Like, you know, know dolph lundgren i stood stood behind stood behind dolph lundgren in a cash point queue in portobello road he was just there he's not as tall as you think like in the movie rocky four he looks like he's six foot eight but it's just the sylvester salone is so short he makes makes dolph lundgren look

really tall i saw brian mcfadden and Kerry Katona at Disneyland Paris. That's it. Nice. They were just with their kids like buying stuff. He is six and a half feet tall. Dolph Lundgren. Are you sure you saw him? It was him. It was 100% him. He's a very chiseled man. You are like six foot though. So maybe you were expecting him to be even bigger than you.

But he was actually the same size as you. But it was him because people were going, oh look it's Dolph Lundgren. And he was going, hello. So it was's Dolph Lundgren and he was going hello. So it was definitely Dolph Lundgren. That's cool. His wife or girlfriend, whoever he was with, she was very, very pretty. He's a very good looking guy. Like he's very, you know, very crisp looking, chiseled.

You could see why he's in the movies. I saw the Queen. I saw the Queen one time. She was giant, just seven foot eight, massive. You sure it was the queen? Maybe it was Dolph Lundgren. I don't know. Maybe it was, yeah. Maybe he's doing, it was a new role where he plays the queen.

I seen a bunch of random people. I saw Gabe and Steven Spielberg. Yeah, I met Gabe. I met Gabe. That's true. I met him at Valve. What was meeting Gabe like? It was weird because he had obviously been asked to do this and this was at ti4 i think it was so it was like at that

point you could buy a um a vip ticket so if you were like a fan or if you were working there you had to go to the vip meet and greet so it was at the valve headquarters they had one of the one of the office floors was like dedicated for the VIPs. So you had all these regular punters that had paid for the VIP ticket and all the talent that was working there and the developers and stuff, we were all just hanging out. And it was really fucking awkward. There was Gabe and you could queue up.

So I queued up to meet Gabe. It was like meeting Santa, honestly. And you're literally like a bunch of kids all form in line you go in and you meet gabe you sit on his knee he asks you what you want for christmas and you tell him and i said to him i just wanted to say you know thanks for giving me a job and everything because if it wasn't for that or i wouldn't have a job and he was like no problem and that was the end of the conversation and i i wanted to say to him could you give me like 10 million dollars because you won't even notice if it happened but i didn't i did it just never came up i think if you want to get the best from like a celebrity

though you have to ask them about something they're really interested in yeah they'll talk to you for a long time but then you risk them shattering the illusion of them being cool yeah them you know just absolutely fucking ripping on one about something stupid that they really like it's like if you met gabe and you're like oh hey gabe uh you know nice to meet you fuck uh i got this new hunting knife the other day and it was it's not like as as as ribbed as i'd like it to be or something and then he just like went off on one and started telling you about his whole knife collection and stuff you might think differently of him after that right you think he's like you might you might not risk you know you might not like hold him in such a high

esteem anymore because he's just like waffling on about something you maybe don't care about but you wanted to like get into his good books by you know talking about something that he was interested in or whatever yeah i wonder if that happens where people have gone and researched what those people are into and they're're like, I understand you're interested in remote-controlled airplane flying. I am too. And it's like in an attempt to start a sort of conversation beyond, I liked your last movie. Thanks. Which is like most of the conversation would probably be like.

Yeah. But then equally, after you've talked to him and you said oh you know thanks for creating a game that gave me a job or whatever and then like the conversation just ends after he's like oh yeah no problem and then he just like walks off yeah but i didn't want to bore him and then you see him talking to like the super fan about the knives and they're having like they seem to be having like an awesome conversation he's like pulling knives out of Brandon's pockets. He's like slapping the guy in the back, writing him a check. Ho, ho! You're my son now!

You're my son now! Have a cup of beans, why don't you, and come back to my place. These are my trademark inventions. I spent my fortune on fizzy beans. They make you both fart and burp. Oh, it's such a joy. He's like the Willy Wonka of beans. So the lesson here is never meet a celebrity who you hold in a...

Yeah, never meet your idols because you'll always be a little bit disappointed because either they're going to waffle on about something that you don't give a shit about and you're going to hate them after, or they're going to be really short with you and stand behind a rope and you just have to hold a dictaphone like in their face and while other people ask them questions and that's going to be disappointing as well. But you know what I asked, I asked Paul Giamatti because at the time he was linked with doing a biopic about Philip K. Dick, who's one of my favorite authors. And I said to him, is it true that you were doing a, like a bio of, of, uh, Philip K. Dick? And he was like, oh yeah, yeah. And he was like,

I'm a big fan. He said, I love Dick. And I was like, okay, thanks. And then we were talking about like Philip K. Dick for about five minutes. And then he said, oh, I gotta go. I gotta go and ran in. So I actually had that moment with Paul Giamatti, but the project never came to anything never never came to anything like they they just fucking got canned he was obviously super excited to do it and i was excited dick yeah he loved i love dick he said like that was obviously his little joke about philip k dick yeah yeah because philip k dick's last name is dick you see yeah i get it yeah yeah it kind of sounds like dick there is like a show i think making loads there is it's called electric. There is. It's called Electric Dreams. Yeah, yeah.

It's okay. A lot of the Philip K. Dick ideas are a bit weird. They are. No, they're bonkers. I mean, they are. They obviously had to take it as a core idea. Because he was doing a lot of amphetamines when he wrote most of his short stories. He was a very crazy guy. Brilliant writer. I love his stuff. But if you read his short stories, a lot of themphetamines when he wrote most of his short stories like he was a very crazy guy brilliant writer like i love his stuff but if you read his short stories a lot of them are just nuts and a lot of them are very repetitive like the number of times that there is a war that has

blasted a planet until there's naught left but but molten slag and and just blasted heat and there's no growth and there's just people in bunkers and that's pretty much the setup for like half of philip k dick's stories it's like a war And that's pretty much the setup for like half of Philip K. Dick's stories. It's like a war has gone horribly wrong, and now it's like, you know, how do they trick each other with all their clever technology? And so it's like they're sending robots into each other that kind of look like each other.

Yeah, but if you're writing all these things during the fucking Cold War, which he was, you know, it's going to be a very formative way. You know, it's going to be very anti anti anti apocalypse kind of thing oh it is yeah yeah but i mean i i guess this is in response to black mirror doing so well you know that they think okay let's do a show similar to that um but yeah a couple of them are out i think i haven't i haven't seen any yet i saw the first one um it's called the i think it's

called the hood maker yeah it OK. It wasn't bad. Like all Philip K. Duke stories, it has no resolution. Right. Most of them just end. I know. Yeah. Like there's one where a guy discovers that he's a he's he's either a robot or he's experiencing some kind of strange altered reality.

And he finds out that in the middle of his body, there's like a ticker tape machine. And there's a thin spool of tape running through this machine at all times and it's got holes punched through it and he finds that if he punches a hole in a piece of tape before he goes through this sort of reader that he experiences something so he punches a hole in and suddenly there's like an elephant in his room and then as that bit of as that hole goes through the reader the elephant disappears so he realizes his entire life is being played out on this spool and at one point and suddenly there's like an elephant in his room. And then as that bit of, as that whole goes through the reader, the elephant disappears. So he realizes his entire life is being played out on this spool. And at one point what he does is,

I think the end of the story is he cuts the spool and it runs through and he just experiences everything there is at once. And that's like the end of the story. And it's like, it's an incredible idea. And obviously I loved it, but there's no resolution there. Like, it's just the story ends, a puff of smoke comes out of his mouth, and that's it. So it's just these ideas that you explore mentally, but you don't, as a narrative for a TV show, it's fucking crackers.

I think sometimes, though, short stories can kind of, I don't know, like, I think sometimes, though, short stories can kind of, I don't know, like sometimes people write an entire book or do an entire series around what basically should be a short story. Like Stephen King's The Mist or whatever, you know, has been made into a TV show lately on Netflix, and I started trying to watch it because I didn't like the film. I thought the film was okay. Yeah.

Some films you feel like they would have been better as TV series because some films feel rushed, right? Right. Yeah. Two hours isn't enough to tell the whole story and you want to immerse yourself a bit more and stuff. Yeah, the latest Rick and Morty episode was like a clip show, basically. I haven't seen it yet.

Yeah, so it's basically like all of the ideas they had that didn't make it into full episodes squashed into one. And, yeah, I thought it was good. It was kind of, instead of their intergalactic ad, whatever, that nonsense. The TV, yeah, yeah. Yeah, intergalactic nonsense TV, which is that weird Justin Roiland garbage

that he sometimes spurts out every, you know, it's great. It's really, it's good. I mean, Rick and Morty is great. I got a lot of time for shorts. Like I was talking to Flax the other day because he was going to watch the new Star Trek on Netflix. I haven't seen it. I don't even know if I'm going to watch it.

Like the last time I watched Star Trek avidly was The Next Generation. Yeah. Which I liked. Me too. Because I like the format of the show in that it was just, every episode was self-contained. It was like a short story, each episode. Something would happen.

And then there was recurring characters and some stories were a bit bigger and they spanned over a couple episodes or whatever or a situation spanned a couple episodes. It was a very hit and miss, but when you have 22 episodes per series and you're doing a series a year, a good proportion of those are going to be crap but some of them some episodes were fantastic yeah they just had a nice nice little story that just like resolved itself in

the end sort of thing there's gonna be some gems in there and uh yeah like i mean i went back and watched it all recently i've talked about this before but yeah i recommend just doing like a watch it skip it some guy on reddit has watched all of star trek and and really just he says you know okay watch these episodes only and yeah don't watch the ones where picard like gets a pony in the holodeck watch this one it's yeah all holodeck episodes all episodes with alexander oh some of them are pretty good no all almost all yeah avoid all episodes with Alexander, Worf's son. Avoid all episodes with Deanna's mother. Anything involving costumes, period costume, avoid.

Avoid especially the worst episode I've ever seen where Beverly Crusher goes home and there's a Scottish ghost that greets her. Avoid. Do not watch that episode. That is one of the worst episodes of all time I'm going to watch that one now it sounds hilarious

watch the episode where Beverly and um Deanna have yoga do yoga yeah oh my god

I'll definitely watch that one are they farting and burping and shitting on each other have you seen the new Star Trek Lewis have you started watching it fart on my face

I've watched it I've watched the the two episodes of the new series Trek, Lewis? Data. Have you started watching it? Fart on my face. I've watched it. I've watched the two episodes of the new series, yeah. Right, okay. And? It's okay. It's okay. Honestly, if P-Flex says it's okay, then that means it's probably good to know.

It's okay. Yeah, I like that as a benchmark. I didn't get much out of it. It's obviously, it's new era Trek, so the Klingons are... But if it's okay, that means you enjoyed it. You can watch it with Klingon are, but if it's okay, that means you enjoyed it. So that you can watch it. You can watch it with Klingon subtitles.

Apparently. Yes, you can. That's hilarious. I remember a friend getting a Klingon dictionary for like his birthday one year at the time we were like 10. So that was pretty cool. Like looking back now, that's pretty fucking nerdy,

I guess. But I think it's cool that like, they've actually got a language that they can subtitle their show with like that's pretty hilarious actually do people speak klingon to each other at like conventions you know they do conventions and stuff yeah you can say you could you could take a degree in klingon like that that was a degree offered i think at probably one university probably very briefly but you could take klingon as a as a degree fuck me yeah well there we go hugh hefner's dead as well he died yesterday are we allowed to say dates lewis you seem to always be really touchy about this people know that we record this a week um before he goes out don't

they so yeah 2017 has claimed another another great yeah was it you have to you don't fucking know how did he die he was 91 and he died in the Playboy mansion surrounded by naked women. Is that what it says? Some of them were farting as well. Right. Martha, the last thing I want

is for you to burp in my face as I die. I want you to puffle like only a lady can. I want my last breath to be filled with your anal stench. Quickly. Conjunctivitis doesn't matter now, Martha. I'm slipping.

I'm slipping. Does anybody have any crack? Pull my pants down. Oh, man. Oh down. Oh, man. Oh, poor Hugh, man. He fucking, he lived a life though, right? I mean, you know he was a creepy motherfucker, right? Yeah, right.

You'd have to be, but still. I heard the Playboy match was really filthy and sturdy and sleazy. It was covered in jizz rags, probably. Yeah, I heard it was just really shit. He's an old man, right? Old people, they tend not to be able to take care of their house. Wasn't it up for sale? Wasn't the Playboy Mansion up for sale?

I don't think so. No, I think it's always been very, very successful. I don't think it's ever had any. Wasn't it sold for like £100 million? And then didn't it fall through? I think it definitely sold because it was, I remember it, people looking around. Yeah, Playboy Mansion goes back on market after sale falls through.

Oh, right. Yeah, this is the case. Yeah, you could look up the Playboy Mansion and I think it was just disgusting. It was really horrible in there. God. And I think they tried to sell it for $100 million and then it fell through.

So maybe he never ended up selling it. It's been a creative centre for hef for the past 40 years as his residence and workplace and will continue to be i think the idea was that they were going to sell it but he was going to get to live there till he died you see i always imagine that the playboy mansion is one of those places where like when it was like you know first like uh when they first moved into it or they built it or whatever it was probably fucking awesome yeah just like absolutely pristine and everything but like if that happened say like in the 60s like now it's probably crummy as shit like all the wood is like fucking sticky and like yeah you know there's like all this stuff like they would have had one of

those rotating fireplaces with a tv on one side. It doesn't really work. It just looks so fucking jivey and outdated. Lean on one side. Jiggle it. Jiggle it. Don't sit on that sofa. That's the broken sofa. Don't sit on that one.

Well, the hot tubs don't work. They're all full of leaves and beetles and things. Oh, yeah. Don't open that door. Just don't open it. It stinks in there. It stinks. I don't know what the stink is, but it fucking stinks.

Something died in there. One of the know what the stink is, but it fucking stinks. Something died in there. One of the bunnies crawled in and died. I don't know which one. One of the old ones. We got a bunch of new bunnies coming in today. There we go. A bus pulls up and a bunch of convicts get off. They're just there on day release.

Yeah, fucking. My bunnies are here. Covered in fucking snake tats. Oh my god. I think his place would be a little bit like that place with all those old centerfolds like you spoke about earlier. With that fucking guy.

Yeah, the fucking dentures and fucking Zimmer frames and stuff. They're all just puttering around. There's an old person that had a shitload of sex, I bet. he was still sexing it up yeah at 91 though dude Viagra

penis pump pneumatic implants do you reckon do you reckon he was just like fucking banging away till 91 years old ask yourself this

it's Hugh Hefner if anyone's gonna be having sex at 91 can you think of someone else I think if you are Hugh Hefner you can just get away with

asking anyone can't you like hey do you want to have a tumble baby just like anyone as a joke that's the least sexy way do you want to have a tumble baby i don't know how he would do it doesn't even need to use words to ask though that's the thing yeah he probably has like a system where he snaps his finger a certain way and then everybody just undresses and fuck him. What was the line that I heard him

he used? I think he used the line like Taj Mahal and then everybody just starts rubbing his balls. If he was talking to a girl who had spots he was like, do you want the cure for spots? Sex. It's like, what?

What? There was like some creepy lines that he had. That would probably work for him. Like if any of us went up to a girl and said that, we would probably get maced. But, you know, Hefner probably just got a lot of pussy that way. Oh, my God. And fair play to him. Wouldn't it be amazing if it turned out that he was the opposite,

that he was just like a celibate man? He was just a really honorable businessman. He never had sex in his whole life. What, if Hugh Hefner was celibate? Yeah, yeah. No, I sell it. Don't have it. Just sell it.

I'm not interested in it. Farting and burping. I don't have a dick. It's just a smooth mound down there. I don't have anything. Just a little nothing down there. They cut it off in NAMM. I don't have a dick. It's just a smooth mound down there. I don't have anything. Just a little nothing down there. They cut it off in NAMM. I haven't told anyone.

Some VC came out of the bushes. Charlie got the drop on me. Boom. No more pee-pee. I got my pee-pee and my balls right off. I don't got shit down there. Oh, fuck. Anyway, well, that's probably enough.

Oh, man. For one day. It was a nice podcast, guys. Good job. Give yourselves a round of applause. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, you do your loud clap again

that everyone hates. Oh, my God. Yeah, Lewis actually got mad at me last time I was in Bristol. He was clapping right next to my ear. And it was so fucking loud. It was making my ear ring. Thunderous.

Thunderous. That also sounds like someone having really vigorous sex with a large-bottomed woman. Yeah. It's like a really loose ball bag. Let's hear it again. Hear it again. Yeah. It does. It really does. Really slam it again. Yeah. It does.

Really does. Really slamming away. Yeah. Fart a little. Woo! Fart! Burp on me! Burp!

Stop it, Hugh. Your balls, your 91-year-old balls are so saggy. They're slapping everywhere. You'll die, you. I don't care. Oh, fuck me. Right. Well, thanks for listening, everybody. Maybe that is the secret delivered to 91.

Just fucking sex all the time. Tons of sex, yeah. Keeps your ticker in check, yeah. Jesus Christ. All right. Yeah, there you go. Thanks, everyone. Have a great time in Japan

we didn't discuss it at all enjoy Japan Lewis we'll see you when you get back yeah it'll be great you'll have a fantastic time there won't be any Triforce for like two weeks

after this one everybody see you in three weeks everyone goodbye bye