Triforce! - Triforce! #61 w/ Mousie: The Secret of Christmas

Episode Date: January 3, 2018

Triforce! Episode 61! Brought to you live in front of the Jingle Jam 2017 audience with special guest Mousie! This time the guys talk about their christmas experiences, gifts, Santa and more! There'...s a lot of visuals in this livestreamed episode. You can watch the episode here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5fuRTx-AxeI   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Starting point is 00:01:18 podcast, live from the Jingle Jam 2017. This year, the special guest, Miss Mousy Mouse. Hi! guest, Miss Mousy Mouse. Hi. Miss Mousey Mouse. We have a lady on board this year for our annual guest. I'm against it.
Starting point is 00:01:33 I ain't had a woman on a tripers pick. I ain't had a woman on this. Yeah. I ain't had a woman in four years, if ever. Yeah, we didn't have much of a choice, actually, because Lewis just sort of railroaded us into it. We wouldn't get anything done if I didn't
Starting point is 00:01:49 railroad everyone into stuff. Well, apparently you WhatsApped me and I've just checked and they're right, you did. And I didn't see it, I'm sorry. It's alright, we were planning this and you were just like, you know what, I fancy a lovely, bright, early morning game of Dota. Just getting literally fountain farmed.
Starting point is 00:02:08 Yeah, we got seriously owned. We got seriously owned. It's no fun. Why do you still play that, Pflax? Come on, there's so much choice in there. Love it, dude. Love it. He loves it, Lewis.
Starting point is 00:02:18 You can get fancy skins and do fiery stuff. Yeah. This is all true, actually. Yeah, these are all things that you can do in the game of Dota 2. I don't know... Yeah, fuck off, melly ass! Now that Perion's here, I'm going to fuck off with a Nadir hanker. John, you do that, you piece of shit.
Starting point is 00:02:35 You're not welcome. You're meeting people in the chat. So we're going to have, I guess, this podcast just going to be randomly interrupted by Perion swearing at random people in the chat. Yeah. Okay. I like it.
Starting point is 00:02:48 This is fine. Can I join in? Yeah, go for it. Fuck you, not elf. Okay. Yeah, not elf. Go fuck yourself. So before we start the podcast, we were chatting about, because it's the 28th today, we were chatting about what happened at Christmas.
Starting point is 00:03:03 Zylus got stuck here over Christmas, and Zylus and Melcy went to camp. Why did he get stuck? Was it a transportation issue? So a plane was trying to land, and when they landed, they went off the runway, and it qualified as an accident. So they shut down the entire airport. All flights were canceled.
Starting point is 00:03:22 Which airport are we talking about? Bristol. And he couldn't get another flight until tuesday so he was stuck here over christmas i'm going to that airport regularly i'm petrified now i'm never flying again that sounds crazy i don't want to be on that plane the runway fuck the only time i'm leaving the runway is going safely up in the air like off the runway i'm not i'm not crashing in bristol if i'm crashing somewhere i'm crashing somewhere sexy like new york or something like
Starting point is 00:03:50 that no no way am i dying yes yeah i want to be i want to fucking plow into like uh suburb in vegas or something like that you don't want to be anywhere random like dayton i don't want to die somewhere boring i want to die somewhere really. I want to die somewhere really exciting. I want to go out in a blaze of glory as well. I would love to die in the Bermuda Triangle. What do you mean? I don't know if anybody would know or care about it. That's not sexy
Starting point is 00:04:16 enough for me. I want to die like... Sorry, would you like to go missing in the Bermuda Triangle? Is that the idea? You'd be on a list. I want my plane to crash into the Queen's Jubilee or something. I want to be remembered. On such and such date. They were never heard from again.
Starting point is 00:04:32 So that would be the end of your Wikipedia article, would it? Yes. It would be... People still search for signs of life. I could see that. But since... I don't know if the Bermuda Triangle has claimed any lives in recent times, though. I don't know if the Bermuda Triangle has claimed any lives in recent times.
Starting point is 00:04:47 I'm not even sure what it is. I want you to try and put your hand somehow over your shoulder like this. And if I put my arm like this, it'll look like I've got my arm around you. Okay, hold on a second. Let me just, like, where do I have to move? Hold on. If there's such a delay, it's impossible. No, no.
Starting point is 00:05:06 I'm just going to hold this position. Hang on a second. I'm just waiting for it to catch up now. Don't worry about these guys. They just got to have their own fun. I figured in case I get bored. You brought with you a book. Oh, yeah.
Starting point is 00:05:17 I see. Like if I lean in a little bit like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was thinking we're talking about like ancient Greek mythology at Christmas. Apparently, Zola knows a lot. Hold on. It's only just updated now. We need a hand.
Starting point is 00:05:30 If I go like this, and if Sam lays me over you, it looks like I'm cuddling you. Hang on a second. Yeah, yeah. Like I'm having a little cuddle, and I'll rest my head on you. All right. Lay me over top, Sam. That's perfect. That's perfect.
Starting point is 00:05:44 It looks like we're boyfriends now. Look. that's perfect. That's perfect. It looks like we're boyfriends now. Look. It's 2017. Oh, God. You just, like, kissed the inside of his head. Hold on. It's delicious. It's, like, terrifying.
Starting point is 00:05:57 You know when you give, like, your kid a cuddle? That's enough. Get off. And they smile? Yeah. I love you, Dad. No, I don't. I have no children.
Starting point is 00:06:09 What did you do at Christmas, you two? We haven't heard your Christmas Day fun stories, events. What did you do? Did you watch shitty movies? Did you eat vegetarian pizza? What happened to it? What happened before? Oh, God.
Starting point is 00:06:23 What did we do at Christmas? It's such a blur now and man the day started very early it was like four in the morning um i started drinking almost immediately i had to and then um the kids did stuff i couldn't really keep track there was a lot of stuff going on and then we had to leave the house at 1.2, which kind of sucked. I ate too much. I had heartburn like all night. And then we did the same thing on Boxing Day as well.
Starting point is 00:06:53 Fuck me. It was rough. It was a rough one. Got through it though. It's three days, three days have passed now. Feeling a little bit better. I'm starting to get back to normal. But yeah, it was a tough one. What about you flex? Um, my mom's up to stay. Oh, so just the kids are downstairs right now. I assume she's looking after them. Um, uh, what did we do at
Starting point is 00:07:20 Christmas? Just kind of faffed around, ate a a lot of food drank a lot of booze yeah um watched some tv hung out that was it it was just steady eddy shit what did you guys what did you guys eat on christmas eve is this an important thing to you i was having this conversation yeah we just had like with people the other day and they were like you can't just have chips on christmas eve which we did yeah um and christmas eve isn't a big one like we always just have like mrs f will get a load of stuff like uh on like what do they call those little things they come around with at parties uh you know it's like a tray of canapes we have basically a load of snacks and canapes and stuff and then the next morning on the saturday on the christmas morning i cooked the full roast dinner with mrs f i tend to do all the beginning and canapes and stuff. And then the next morning on the Christmas morning,
Starting point is 00:08:07 I cooked the full roast dinner with Mrs. F. I tend to do all the beginning and the prep and getting everything ready. And then she does the finishing off, like the gravy and all that kind of shit. So it was good. We just go to my in-laws and they do everything. Oh, yeah? We actually go up there,
Starting point is 00:08:19 get in the car in our pajamas and drive up there. Wow. Yeah, it's pretty good. You're all just in dressing gowns and slippers. Pretty much, yeah. Just a flipping bedwagon, bedtime wagon. I've noticed, like, you can tell who has kids because there's just one line of,
Starting point is 00:08:35 they were doing something. I don't know why. We weren't keeping track of them. It's like a tornado ripping through your house. Yeah, they do stuff. And there's just, like, wrapping paper flying in the air i saw that picture actually like holy crap yeah that was crazy oh the picture you tweeted in your room on boxing day yeah you know what we cleared we cleared everything to the side with like a shovel basically just like pushed it all up against the
Starting point is 00:09:02 wall so that we could actually see the floor again like an actual snow shovel one of the big ones yeah it's like something yeah something like that and it was just that that that is basically it's a little bit cleaner now it's but there's just so much man fuck me holy shit you unwrap all the stuff right and there's paper everywhere and that's cool you can put it into a bag you can like squash it down and fit a lot. But holy shit, the packaging on toys now is crazy. There's like boxes and there's ropes. They're all tied up and they have these little plastic things that the ropes are like knotted around. You have to untie it. Holy fuck.
Starting point is 00:09:37 It takes like an hour to like get each toy out of its individual wrapping. It's insane. And I guess it's like it's not for safety or anything. It's just so that people can't steal them out of the boxes wrapping. It's insane. And I guess it's like, it's not for safety or anything. It's just so that people can't steal them out of the boxes in the store. So they engineer these things to just take a long time to do because they know that nobody is stupid enough
Starting point is 00:09:54 to stand in a store like, for like three hours trying to get fucking, what, like, Stretch Armstrong out of his packaging. I mean, there's always someone. Oh my God. I know, it's always someone. Oh my God. I know it's bad,
Starting point is 00:10:06 isn't it? It's better now. Yeah. Look at all those little pieces. See like all those. Yeah. See all those little pieces and like, see like that,
Starting point is 00:10:14 see that white, like thing that's cardboard with like all the things cut out of it and stuff. That stuff's all in the garbage now. Right. Um, so that has made a big difference. I like there's, there's a mini sofa that mini sofa is really really cute not quite the top right but like look there's like a snowman
Starting point is 00:10:32 like face down that just looks like he's fucking passed out and he's had enough look at him he's like he just looks like dead yeah yeah um but yeah no it's pretty messy let's start we cleaned it up though i thought that you guys would have good, relaxing, fun stories to tell, but it both sounds like you've had the most traumatic, miserable, stressful experience of all time. No, it was really fun.
Starting point is 00:10:55 It was really fun. It looks like a war happened between children. Did you guys watch National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation? Oh, maybe. When it was on? A long time ago.
Starting point is 00:11:08 A long time ago. Okay. I've seen a Christmas story. You know there's like the family, the Griswolds, and they have all their family over and the house is like full of people and it's kind of nuts and stuff. And then next door, Elaine from Seinfeld and her like husband or boyfriend. It's just the two of them. They don't have any kids or anything. They go jogging every day and stuff like that. That's the two types of Christmas
Starting point is 00:11:30 families, right? You either have like a really big messy family where everybody's yelling and there's stuff all over the floor, like in this picture, or you're Elaine from Seinfeld and her boyfriend and you're just sitting there trying to eat pasta for Christmas dinner quietly, but the neighbors are too loud because everybody's over there like screaming and trying to kill each other with toys and stuff like that. So which camp do you guys fit into? I mean, quite clearly, I have a house full of people and it's loud and Elaine doesn't like me. But like, Lewis, I always imagine that you're a bit like Elaine on Christmas. You know, you just like sit at home and you like, a microwave dinner and play Hearthstone.
Starting point is 00:12:07 It's, like, all quiet. Maybe there's, like, some chamber music playing in the background. Yeah, let me get – I got a picture of my Boxing Day. Nice. Let me see if I can find it because it's very, very different to yours. Okay. Mine wasn't this. It is super different.
Starting point is 00:12:22 Here we go. Here's me. I'm just tweeting it on my Twitter. Sam, maybe you can bring this up on the stream. He's tweeting it on Twitter. This is revolutionary stuff. He's not Instagramming it on Twitter. I'm an old man when it comes to social media.
Starting point is 00:12:40 Still wants to use Skype. There you go. Look at this. he's got a puzzle you old fuck unbelievable so Sam hopefully will be able to bring himself on screen maybe so I was in my mum and dad's
Starting point is 00:12:56 conservatory I was doing a jigsaw puzzle I had a nice drink it was very chilled there we go look Look at me. How many pieces was it? A thousand pieces. A thousand pieces.
Starting point is 00:13:09 One thousand pieces. And I got, I got it done on boxing day. It took about, it took about four hours. Um, yeah, I enjoyed it.
Starting point is 00:13:17 It was good. And there you go. I've drink some, some of the old Advocat that Zylis bought me. Um, there you go. Look at that. That's,
Starting point is 00:13:24 there couldn't be further from what you guys had to experience. That is so freeing. Sam, Sam, I want you to post the picture of my Christmas ham. Please. So what is it, Sips? Go on. This makes me sick. Is this all you did the whole day?
Starting point is 00:13:43 Whose house is this? I played so hard today. Look how tiny it is. Look at how fucking clean it is. It's my parents' house. What are you drinking there? Let me guess. Nobody asked you a single question while you sat down and drank that as well. You son of a bitch.
Starting point is 00:13:58 No, they didn't. They just used it. Didn't judge me. Oh, sir. Sips. Yeah. Where's your Christmas ham? this is my favorite christmas present i got the donald trump board game oh wow can you move it to the left a little that is
Starting point is 00:14:14 great holy crap wow that actually exists win or lose but you win jesus who bought you that my sister got it in a charity shop right and uh it was it was a tenner and the rules are unbelievable because the intro that he's written is just like the way he tweets now so it's like now that you're about to play my game i invite you to live the fantasy feel the power and make the deals It's like every sentence is an exclamation mark at the end of it. It's unbelievable and it's an awful looking game. There's a picture of your ham on the street. There's the ham! God damn, that thing is glazed to perfection.
Starting point is 00:14:58 How glad you to do it. I'm just the ham master, what can I tell you? So did you start with, did it come all cross hatched like like that on the top or did no no no no you you get it you know when you're in the shop if you're ever in the supermarket you see like a big slab of gammon it's like a huge like the size of a foot of a rugby ball or an american football right it's huge and you think who would eat that like what do you do with it you get that and you put it in the pot of water you simmer it ultra low for like an hour and a half okay and then you take it out and you put it in the pot of water you simmer it ultra low for like an hour and a half okay and then you take it out and you cut the skin off so the layer of fat that's what there's no skin
Starting point is 00:15:31 on it that's just fat so the layer of fat is all that's left and then you score it with a knife and you put cloves in the corners of the angles you see that right and then and then you make it glaze up which is like mustard and brown sugar and orange juice and stuff to make it all delicious and then you coat the the ham in that glaze in the oven for like 25 minutes and you baste it a couple of times so that the glaze stays on the ham and then you end up with an amazing ham and it tastes like little black ball thing that's those are cloves so the cloves sort of spike in there and the flavor gets in and makes it really good. It's amazing.
Starting point is 00:16:08 Do you stab it at any point and kill it? The pig? Does it come dead? Yeah, you don't kill a pig. I don't know. That wouldn't be much of a Christmas. I feel like you should do. Dead.
Starting point is 00:16:18 You do know that you're, I think you're a veggie as well, aren't you? So there's literally, you're telling, you're showing three vegetarians a picture of this beef leg. Yep. One day you will taste my ham and you will all abandon this vegetarian bullshit and you will realize that being a
Starting point is 00:16:38 vegetarian ain't worth it. Because look at this fucking ham. It does look nice. It's a similar sort of ham. It looks very brown. You know, you guys aren't the only people in this conversation. We've got like 5,000 people in chat watching. Maybe some of them enjoy good ham.
Starting point is 00:16:53 No, I'm not. I'm not saying I enjoyed the ham. Some guy just said, I enjoyed the ham, but now that Piri and Sierra are going to go watch Benny and Larry's podcast instead. Enjoy. Go ahead. the ham but now that period's here i'm gonna go watch benny and larry's podcast instead enjoy go ahead some other guy just said well you go for flax so this is what that is what we had i love ham some people are just straight up loving the ham that is vegetarian you know what there's barely any negative comments about ham in general in the chat right now. Somebody just said veggie life, best life. Ham was a big thing.
Starting point is 00:17:28 I do miss ham. I miss having a ham sandwich. Wait, where did you eat? Have you ever had Arby's? What did we have? We had pizza on Christmas Day. We made our own pizzas. That was quite nice. What did we have? We had a veggie lasagna. My parents
Starting point is 00:17:44 were very... It's kind of tricky. Everyone these days, I don't know, certainly in my family, has something that they don't eat. I'm allergic to nuts. My brother can't have lactose. His wife's got her allergies and stuff. Thank God your mom's not allergic to nuts. So we ended up having pizza because at least at least everyone could eat a pizza right
Starting point is 00:18:09 like well apart from my brother who's lactose and sort of but you know he just had i don't know a piece of ham i don't know what he had people had stuff it was fine we were fine we didn't right it's it's too much hassle you know someone's like someone's like, oh, I don't like Brussels sprouts. I don't like this. I don't like that. You know, you can't, I feel bad. You know, there was a time, you guys, when you just had to eat what you were given, right? But now we live in a different world where everyone's all picky.
Starting point is 00:18:38 It's a different world, yeah. That's right. You know, you're probably a disaster because you're gluten free, aren't you? I don't know what you ate at Kim's place then. Oh, her mom went through this whole trouble to make sure I had my own gravy. I was sick as hell. Barfing everywhere.
Starting point is 00:18:58 I love gluten. Kim's mom went through the whole trouble of making me my own gravy and set aside Brussels sprouts that work with the meat and all that. And it was fantastic. You know when people do that? It's nice when they do it. But I hate when there's like there's a line, right?
Starting point is 00:19:12 There's a line between being nice about it and then just being annoying about it, right? And that, you know, like I'm not saying that Kim's mom was like this. I'm sure she wasn't. But like some people, they feel like it's a big effort that they have to create something for you that like is vegetarian right it is a pain in the every every five seconds they ask you like is this good enough is this taste nice enough is it and you just think like fuck why did you bother like just fuck off like oh my god eat some lettuce somewhere or something instead it is a little bit like that it It's like, oh, you know,
Starting point is 00:19:45 I spent ages making this delicious bread and butter sticky toffee pudding for you. It's got, you know, no nuts in it. I made it especially for you. Why aren't you eating all of it right now? And I'm like, I've tried my best. It's like, look, I made it
Starting point is 00:20:02 for you. Eat all of it now. Oh, it was a little bit like that. I got that. You guys are never happy. You know, you're opposing your stupid lifestyle and other people who want to eat, say, a delicious Christmas ham. And when people go out of their way to help you,
Starting point is 00:20:15 you're like, oh, don't go out of your way and tell me you've got out of your way. Just go out of your way and silently come up with my stupid choices. I have a quick question. Hey, you know what? Just before your question, hang on a second. Flax, did you hear about all of those
Starting point is 00:20:29 Tesco turkeys that were rotten in a lot of Christmas? That is so disgusting. Why do you still fucking eat meat when there's rotten turkeys in circulation? Because I ain't eating rotten turkeys, homie. Well, that shit is fucking gross. Yeah, it is disgusting.
Starting point is 00:20:42 Thanksgiving's ruined. Yeah, it ruined Christmas for so many families. They went to go... It did, it is disgusting. Thanksgiving's ruined. Yeah, it ruined Christmas for so many families. They went to go... It did. It's terrible. It's terrible. Gobble down their favorite turkey surprise dinner and then boom, rotten. It ruined fucking Christmas.
Starting point is 00:20:55 They only had like everything else there. It's terrible. All of the stuff. They only had the bacon and fucking sausages and stuffing and fucking roast potatoes cooked in goose fat and the fucking... We got all the presents that we could ever want. We got running water. We got heating electricity.
Starting point is 00:21:10 And we burned everything. You know what really fucked us this year? That rotten turkey. Fuck me. This is ruined. We have all this other food, but fuck, it's ruined. Shut it down.
Starting point is 00:21:26 Yeah, see, you say that we're complainers, Flax. What about those fucking chumps complaining about their raw ass turkeys? They've got a Twitter. My turkey was ruined. God damn. I got a letter from my youngest. She ran up to me, and she gave me this folded note. And she said, this is for you daddy
Starting point is 00:21:45 this is this is on christmas morning i opened it up and this is what it says it says dad is a poo and there's a picture of a sad poo with stinky lines coming off it nice that's what i got that was my christmas i kept it i kept it because I love it. It's amazing. Is that your proudest moment as a father? Is this the morning? Did Santa come? Hold on. Hold on. I'm getting caught. What? The children
Starting point is 00:22:16 are calling. They know. Carry on. Did Santa visit your house? Did he land on your roof and come down the chimney? Did he lay himself in the front door? Did you leave the door on the latch? Did you leave out cookies and milk? Did you do that?
Starting point is 00:22:31 Did you eat the cookies, drink the milk, and leave a couple crumbs on the plate so that you could say to them in the morning, like, looks like he's been and he liked his treats? Hang on. That was their home. Right. The children are back.
Starting point is 00:22:43 Quick, hide. They leave out a can of cider. Of course they do. Of course they do. And a mince pie. And we always leave out a carrot for the reindeer. So what I do is I drink the cider, obviously. Eat the mince pie, a few little crumbs.
Starting point is 00:23:02 Santa. And then I bite the end off the carrot and leave that there so it looks like I get the cheese grater and I grate the carrot all over the plate and then I make a trail leading to the back door and also I put some hoof prints
Starting point is 00:23:17 down in the snow in the back and grate more carrot all over the place there as well my mother went all out compared to this. Oh, God, it was a month-long thing. Okay. The elves would come.
Starting point is 00:23:31 Right. So we had this little mailbox in the living room that she would bring out every Christmas, and I would have to write a letter to Santa, but the elves would pick it up. Right. Right, of course. So I don't know.
Starting point is 00:23:42 To this day, I have no fucking clue how that bitch did this. Wow. But we were leaving the house together. And I play it through my head every fucking time. CSI this shit. Like, we left the house at the same time. How did she manage to do this? So the elves would come, and they would leave a mess.
Starting point is 00:24:02 There would be glitter, confetti, candy all over the house. The mailbox would be stuffed full. She would already have a letter typed out from the elves. A reply. A reply. I don't know how. So you've got like a communication going with the North Pole. With the North Pole all month long.
Starting point is 00:24:19 You've got like an awesome line. But here's the kicker. She made these little elf hats. Right. These tiny little felt green elf hats that she would leave behind. So I'd have to clean up the mess from the elves, and I'd find the elf hat, and I'd be like, this is real. This is one of the elves' hats. This is real.
Starting point is 00:24:37 So then it would get to Christmas, right? And it would do basically kind of similar. We would have to sprinkle out the reindeer food out on the snow because usually in Ohio we get way too much snow. Sprinkle out all the reindeer food. Make sure, like, my communication with the elves was, like, on point. You've got Skype, Santa. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:57 I've cleaned up after the elves. Everything's good. Everything's kosher. You know, it's all good. We're ready. Carrots for the elves. Everything's good. Everything's kosher. You know, it's all good. We're ready. Carrots for the reindeer. I put out reindeer sparkly food so that they can land safely. Like it was a whole like thing.
Starting point is 00:25:13 And then we set out the cookies. You cleared like a little helipad in the garden. Yes, that was exactly it. Jeez. Because we didn't have a chimney. I was worried. And I remember writing to the elves and being like, is it okay? We don't have a chimney. Are you going to be able to get into the apartment? Do you need
Starting point is 00:25:29 a key? Do you need me to leave it unlocked? Everything is thought through. Yes, everything was thought through. We had a checklist that I would send. So then we'd leave out the cookies and all of that. The mailbox would be, I'd write one last letter to Santa saying thank you oh my god it's like the most long-winded rigmarole and then after all that you didn't even get presents you just said there's no present i would get five presents spent on that five presents yeah we can't i would i'd pick five things that i wanted most every year i'd put it
Starting point is 00:26:02 on a list and i would get those five things, plus like little gag gifts, you know, like little notepads and stuff like that. And then one year I got a fish. That was really nice. Wow! In a tank and everything? Yeah, his name was Fluffy. Classic fish name.
Starting point is 00:26:21 Yes, and that was that. I picked the five presents I wanted most. Any other presents after that would be given to the local charity. And that was that. And I would write pretexts. I would write my thank you note the night of Christmas. And that was the end of that. You had to say thank you to Santa as well.
Starting point is 00:26:38 God, it really is like. And then I found out it was all a lie. Oh, my God. Do you know what I never understand is when people get Santa to give the big presents to the kids. It's like, this is from Santa. We always do a stocking, which is just full of little
Starting point is 00:26:54 things. That's the stocking from Santa. All the main presents come from us, because we want the fucking credit. I don't want my kids being like, yeah, Santa bought me 180 quids worth of Lego. Fuck off, he did. He's not real, kids. All right, we bought it. The stocking is what Santa gives you.
Starting point is 00:27:09 So you're turning your kids against Santa by doing it. Santa never brings us anything good. We want our parents. So then when they find out that he's not real, they're like, the guy's a fucking douchebag anyway. Who cares? Just bought his fucking stocking. Just fucking got me socks
Starting point is 00:27:25 and my fucking stocking every year. Foreign shit. Santa just brings his clothes. Fuck him. Oh my God. Don't build Santa up too much. You've got to knock him down
Starting point is 00:27:34 in a few years. That's all I'm saying. That's true, actually. That's true. I never thought about it that way. My kids fucking love Santa. Holy crap. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:27:41 I love those elves. So do they all have to write thank you letters now for all their presents as well because i had to do that as a kid yeah no they didn't they didn't write my mine didn't write a thank you letter but my son left a letter for santa on the table with his cookies and stuff that said i love you thank you santa my God. I love you more than daddy. That's enough. That's enough. Can you be my new daddy? Did you see what Sips' son sent me for Christmas?
Starting point is 00:28:15 Because he sent me some of the art he'd done. Oh, shit. Was it the Gruffalo picture? God knows what it was, Sips. From yonder. It was the most nightmare-inducing. That was a Gruffalo picture? God knows what it was, Sips, because it was the most nightmare-inducing. That was a Gruffalo
Starting point is 00:28:30 from yonder? It's on my Twitter, Sam. You won't be able to find it. I don't know. He does, like... He draws Five Nights at Freddy's pictures, okay, but he's never actually played the game. We've talked about this before. It's like this weird
Starting point is 00:28:46 thing, because kids at my school, they also draw Five Nights at Freddy's, and they've never played it. I think an older sibling showed it to them, and they're like, oh, teddy bears, and they just draw that shit. My oldest came home and she's drawn all these pictures, and I was like, were you playing Five Nights at Freddy's at school?
Starting point is 00:29:01 Because he draws these bears with blood dripping off their claws and stuff. He's like, look at this one. This one smeared his blood down. This is so cheerful. It's so weird. It's just jam and ketchup. Don't worry about it.
Starting point is 00:29:14 Good use of the colors there. It's really autistic. It's all red. It does look like the bear has mauled somebody at least. The circle of life. Yeah, it's pretty weird. But yeah, no, he does like to – he's pretty artistic. No, they're great.
Starting point is 00:29:32 I love them. He's only small. You know what he's doing today? It was really funny because he's learning how to read, right? Yeah. So he had – we got him like a – it's like a gumball machine for jelly beans. And there's like this little guy with like a crank and you if you push them back and forth enough times the jelly beans like feed down sort
Starting point is 00:29:50 of things it's like a little jelly beans yeah yeah so slap the dude we got him this huge huge yeah pretty much we got him this huge tube of uh of like jelly beans and you know like nowadays like when i was a kid you just got a bag full of jelly beans and And you know, nowadays, when I was a kid, you just got a bag full of jelly beans and you just ate them, right? But now they come with a little fucking menu
Starting point is 00:30:11 that tells you all the flavors and stuff like that. So he's going through that and he's reading it. And he's like, these are the ones that I like the best.
Starting point is 00:30:19 Sour lemon. That's the menu. Look, the menu is on the back. Sour grapes. I don't like this one coffee no coffee's no good he's right the coffee one's no good yeah that's it throw them all out yeah that's the menu the reading was phenomenal though he was like really did he read it just like that
Starting point is 00:30:39 really proper so oh yeah yeah he was like yeah he was, like, he knew which ones he liked. He really likes the orange ones as well, but no, coffee is always a surprise. You get that mixed in with the rest of them, you're like, oh. The orange is his favorite? Yeah, he likes the orange. Cinnamon and coffee, they're out. If I'd get a handful and I'm, like, taking out all the cinnamon and the coffee ones, because I don't like surprises. Buttered popcorn.
Starting point is 00:31:04 I don't know if I'd try that. You could mix and match. This is what my kids love to do. It says, try these jelly belly recipes because these are jelly belly recipes. Two blueberry and one buttered popcorn equals blueberry muffin. It's like Easy Bake Oven. Oh, I see. Two lemon
Starting point is 00:31:19 plus two coconut equals lemon meringue pie. There's no way that tastes like a lemon meringue pie, though. It does. Fuck you. It really does. Prove it. You should meet two of them right now.
Starting point is 00:31:32 All right, let me test it. So what do I need? Two lemon and two coconut. I'll give you five golden coins for those. That's a lemon one, I think. I will give you my undying gratitude. There's a lemon one. There's a coconut right there.
Starting point is 00:31:45 Okay. And there's another coconut. Let me just double check. We've lost Lewis. Look, he's just sexting now. He doesn't even care anymore. I had to. Don't worry.
Starting point is 00:31:54 Am I eating a lemon meringue pie right now? What else did you guys get for Christmas? Did you get any other presents or did you get... I got a book. Let me tell you this book that I got. I got the book by Jerome what was his name again from Making Murderer
Starting point is 00:32:11 Jerome Buting right so is this actually something you liked getting Illusion of Justice Inside Making a Murderer and America's Broken System that's what I got
Starting point is 00:32:25 making a murderer, should we be concerned? no, did you not see that on Netflix? it was a good show on Netflix it was a really good documentary about how this guy got put in prison for a crime he didn't commit borderline mentally disabled
Starting point is 00:32:41 and so was his nephew and basically they got forced into confessing to a murder that they did not commit well i don't know maybe they didn't the show the makers of the show i definitely don't think they did it but there is a lot like i loved the show it was incredible and there was an awful lot of stuff in it that is extremely sketchy and it's clearly not justice but there was also a lot of stuff they didn't include in the show that really makes you think like well if that's there then how come you didn't like i think a lot of people can agree though that he didn't do it the way that he was convicted of
Starting point is 00:33:16 doing it like no if he did do it i mean it wasn't just sex again and stuff yeah like yeah that just looks like also you need you need to be sure beyond a reasonable doubt that's the whole point is you can't just be like well he probably did it like that's not enough because the dude's getting locked up for the rest of his life you've got to be sure so yeah so i got this book so i'll read that looks pretty good i like can i make a recommendation for a book as well if you have to yes i do this is this is just getting made into a movie now. I think it's just out. The Disaster Artist. The Disaster. That's the room. That is the making of The Disaster Artist.
Starting point is 00:33:51 My Life Inside the Room, the greatest bad movie ever made. I recommend that book wholeheartedly. I read it in three days. I love it. It's hilarious. It's incredible because the character of Tommy Wiseau is such a strange guy. Do I need to see the room? Yeah, it helps if you watch the room. So watch the room and then read that book. Is the room available on Amazon Prime?
Starting point is 00:34:15 I doubt it. The room. I seriously doubt it. It's probably the other way. I'm pretty sure you could just watch it on fucking YouTube at this point. Yeah. It's 2017. Amazon Video, The Room.
Starting point is 00:34:29 Let's see. Yeah, so I've heard that. The actor artist is on pre-order. The Room. Here it is. The Room. Wow. I got a book as well.
Starting point is 00:34:38 No, that's not it. 2016 is not right. The Room. Oh, this one's just called Room 2004. That sounds... Starring Bob McDonald. No. No. Oh, here it is. The Room. Oh, this one's just called Room, 2004. That sounds... Starring Bob McDonald. No. No. Oh, here it is. The Room. Skyping the Supernatural.
Starting point is 00:34:51 No, 2012. Again, no. Skyping the Supernatural. There's one here called Blue Room. Oh my god, that's what you used to do with Santa. There's a picture of a woman with a blue ball gag in her mouth. Blue Room. Is that the one? No, no.
Starting point is 00:35:06 Okay, what about Room 2008 starring Cindy Williams? Are you looking at a porn site? No, I'm on Amazon.co.uk. Actually, no, I'm on Amazon.com. The lion in your living room. Okay, we've lost. Okay, so what is it called? Just The Room?
Starting point is 00:35:23 Yeah. Yeah, The Room. The Room. The Room. Okay, it's not on Amazon video. we've lost okay so what is it called just the room yeah yeah the room for something the room the room okay it's not on amazon video okay let me just see the room okay not to be confused with other films oh here it is the room in widescreen can you really trust anyone the room is that the one that sounds about 2005 yeah that sounds no no no that's not long black hair on it yeah that's it tommy wiseau yeah tommy was that that's it there is yeah it's a multi-format uh edition of the room for 32.99 well you know what here's something he actually he actually shot it in 35 millimeter and hd simultaneously which no one has ever done and he was like hey i'm a pioneer and everyone's like no this is just insane
Starting point is 00:36:10 so he bought an hd camera and a 35 millimeter camera which you never do you just hire them you wouldn't buy them it's like hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of camera equipment and he built this special mount so that both cameras were side by side. And he shot every scene in HD and 35mm, which made it a nightmare. The Room scored a whopping 26% on the Tomatometer. It is so bad, but it's so good for how bad it is. 46% of the audience liked it, though. It's hilarious. It's hilarious.
Starting point is 00:36:42 But it's a very serious movie. One of the worst. Yes, it's a good, bad film. Do you know what I mean? It's hilarious. It's hilarious. It's a very serious movie. One of the worst. Yes, it's a good, bad film. Do you know what I mean? It's amazing. Okay, this film centers on Johnny, a man who has it all. Great friend, good job, and a gorgeous fiancé named Lisa. But Lisa's innocent act masks the fact that she's looking to bring Johnny down.
Starting point is 00:37:00 And her manipulations are tearing Johnny apart. Yeah. down and her manipulations are tearing Johnny apart yeah yeah as Lisa forms her cancer-ridden mother Claudette that Johnny hit her and he did not hit her I did not he did not true I did not hit her I did not I did not to Lisa's seductive charms weakening. Meanwhile, local orphan Denny looks up to Johnny. Oh, hi, Denny. The older man shows up after the two rips off a drug dealer. What kind of drugs?
Starting point is 00:37:31 It doesn't matter. Here's the best part. When he laughs, he just does this. Oh, yeah. Then guys play football in tuxedos because he can play football anywhere. This movie is seriously not to be missed it's incredible it's written for sexuality language and brief violence as well yeah right brief violence directed by tommy wiseau written by tommy wiseau starring tommy wiseau yeah theme
Starting point is 00:37:58 tune written and sung by tommy wiseau guess who produced it ch Chloe Productions. Tommy Wiseau. Oh, Wiseau Films. So the weird thing is, where did he get all this money? Cause it costs like $6 million to make this movie. And he did things like, he bought a, um,
Starting point is 00:38:14 a billboard. Like for years, he had a billboard in a primo place in LA advertising the room. And they're like, where did he get the money for this from? And that's one of the weird things in the book. They're always trying to figure out how did he pay for it? Because he actually did pay everybody and he paid all the stuff.
Starting point is 00:38:28 Like the money was actually there. It's so strange. Just the people who funded it didn't want to be, were embarrassed about it. Or he just ran the mafia. Yeah, he's also in Samurai Cop 2. Maybe he's in that, but he actually made Cold Moon. Did he actually do samurai shit? He got 71% as opposed to The Room, which got 26%.
Starting point is 00:38:54 So maybe Cold Moon is the one I would like to watch instead. Oh, hi, doggy. La La Land. He appeared in La La Land on tv in 2010 as well right wow he's he lives in la la land i'll tell you that much the guy is nuts he's a very strange guy very strange okay all right well i'll check it out then thanks for the recommendation you should i will yeah yeah so the film is out the new the new one disaster artist movie i really want to see it yeah yeah but i'm going to new one disaster artist movie i really want to see it
Starting point is 00:39:25 yeah yeah but i'm going to see something else this evening i'm going to see the book of mormon the musical the book of mormon yeah um yeah which is meant to be very funny that's by the south park guys i don't i don't know if it is actually i don't know if it is mormon the book of we'll google it but oh you know what the weird thing is um yeah it is so that oh they wrote it okay so all right so the guys that um obviously the the the you know the the book that comes with what they call the program that comes with the musical the the mormon church takes out an advert in there for the in the program saying yeah the musical's funny but uh you know mormonism is actually really cool like that's one of the adverts they take out in the program which i think is that's a tough crowd to win over
Starting point is 00:40:08 but they have a go they have a go bless them it got 4.7 out of 5 on ticketmaster well the moment yeah i mean it's pretty famous music it's been around for a while now as well hasn't it yeah when was it first? Six years. 2011. Wow. I've never even heard of it. That's quite... I think they... Yeah, because... I mean, if you remember Avenue Q, do you remember that?
Starting point is 00:40:33 Did you ever see that? Like, at the theater? It's like... It was Muppets. No. Doing like a kind of adult... I've not seen it. It's very famous.
Starting point is 00:40:42 Very good. Very famous. I want to see that. I want to see... I want to see Thriller. I want to see Thriller. I want to see Thriller. I saw. I think we made...
Starting point is 00:40:49 Did we make our goal? We're almost there. We're at 99%, by the way. Michael Jackson, Thriller. What was the goal? I don't know what the Jingle Jam goals are. Oh, it's from yesterday's stream. Thriller Live.
Starting point is 00:41:01 Well, we're going to bloody make it. Well, yesterday later. Wait, what's... So what's the actual What's the goal now 5 million 40 thousand I think the goal is To double Everything we've ever done
Starting point is 00:41:16 Right okay Come on Why am I being shushed We're almost there You don't need me to be quiet to use your eyes. Yes, but we're waiting patiently. I'm trying to concentrate at the same time, okay? I hate being shushed.
Starting point is 00:41:31 That's like my number one trigger. I like shushing. I hate being shushed myself, though. If you ever want to start a fight with me, shush me. And it's on. The gloves are off. All right, just shush for a second. It's 2017.
Starting point is 00:41:44 No one should be shushing. What about shush? If somebody says shush, is that okay? Or is it the shh? It's all around. No one should ever shush anyone. If someone goes shh, it's fucking... That's it. Is this on the same level as spanking?
Starting point is 00:41:59 I don't think I've ever actually been shushed before. Now you can't shush them. In public or anything. Oh, you can shush kids. You got to shush them. I guess librarians probably still have to shush a lot, right? They could just say, sorry, can you guys keep it down? This is a library.
Starting point is 00:42:13 But I guess they have lots of signs and stuff all around the library to help them out now. I'm going to take that thing and shove it down her throat. Oh, we did it, guys. We did it. We hit 100%. You're going to shove what down our throats? Your shushy finger. My fist.
Starting point is 00:42:31 For God's sake. Mousey, show me clapping like this. This is how you clap, right? You just clap. You just take a hand and you just go like this, right? You know when you see people that have a weird clap? Yes. No one's ever shown them how to clap, and they're clapping like this, or they've got some weird thing like this, or they sort of punch their fists like this, or they just go like this, or they just clap the end of their hand.
Starting point is 00:42:57 Yeah. When they clap, it's dead simple. You just do this. That's it. That's clapping. You don't need to do anything more. Actually, you do this. So unamused. Copy, Vax.
Starting point is 00:43:09 That's where I learned how to do it. That's where I learned how to do it. You can do it. Snap any fingers, because I'm a grown-up. Some people like... Nobody snaps their fingers really, though, do they? No. Should we snap?
Starting point is 00:43:22 Should we bring it back into fashion? Unless you're doing like a barbershop quartet where you have to go, mm-hmm, worst podcast ever. It's pretty much, this is pretty much every podcast we've ever done, right? Yeah, I mean. We just go off on these tangents about clapping and snapping and snorting. Can we start snapping at children? That's one it drives me
Starting point is 00:43:45 you know when people go like i hate that i hate that like nose snorting like kids do it all the time right this is the stuff you mean like the sniffing that's actually like snorting yeah yeah oh it's disgusting i was in the shop that is a guy would just walk around doing that yeah it's just like going like it's like just disgusting. Yeah. Fucking pits. Isn't it? I hate that.
Starting point is 00:44:09 I hate when anyone does that. It's disgusting. Do it now. Do you, do you think that that is, it's appropriate to be shushed when you do that? No, just,
Starting point is 00:44:17 just go. Aggressively stare at them. I would shush somebody for doing that. Actually. I'd just go. Why is chat saying to call me? I'm right here. I'm on a call literally right now.
Starting point is 00:44:34 Awake snoring. It's not awake snoring. It's just that's just rude, I think, when you do that, when you do that snorting thing. Like there's there's never a time where that's justified to do that. I don't think you should. What about if you're at the doctor's office and you need to show them? What? They're like, can you... While you're bending over with your pants down. Can you do an internal snort for us?
Starting point is 00:44:54 We just need to double check a couple things. Yeah, sure, I'll probably... I don't know if they'd ever ask you to do that realistically. That's never happened to me That's for damn sure You're a pretty snorty guy too actually I'm surprised He does snore Do you snore in your sleep Lewis?
Starting point is 00:45:16 How do you know that? How do you know that? I'm asking you I'm not saying that We have shared hotel rooms snort as a laugh thing do you snore while you're sleeping though
Starting point is 00:45:32 I don't I don't I'm a very quiet and static sleeper so if I go to sleep in one position I'll wake up in that same position like I sleep like a dead man when that happens no because I got a good mattress and a good pillow The only problem is I with the night terrors like so I'm either completely still or screaming and running around the room
Starting point is 00:45:59 So it's like it's a big it's a big problem Yeah, we've spoken about this many times. I don't, this is the first I've heard of it. It's not. I would have picked up on this straight away. Tell me more. Yeah, you have definitely talked about this before. So wait, you actually get out of bed and scream?
Starting point is 00:46:17 It's so bad? Yeah. Oh yeah. You never remember? So Mousy's got pretty bad night terrors as well. It's like halfway between consciousness and unconsciousness. So it's like having a nightmare and you wake up. But what are the nightmares about?
Starting point is 00:46:29 Give me an example. Nothing specific. It's not like a specific thing. For me, it's literally Mrs. F is trying to kill me. There's poison gas filling the room. There's spiders everywhere. There's brutal, vivid murders and bloody. It's happening live.
Starting point is 00:46:43 But I'll look around the room and I'll see a shape like a coat hanging on a wardrobe that's a murderer right there, so my eyes are like half awake, and I'm still like, oh my god I'm gonna die Like last night What do you tell your kids, Flax? I don't share a room with them
Starting point is 00:47:00 because I'm not Charlie from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory We have separate rooms I always had to play this event of a family that was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We have separate rooms. I always had to play this event of a family that was like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, actually. All sharing one bed. The adults sleep one way. The kids sleep the other and stuff.
Starting point is 00:47:17 That's why whenever I go away to events or anything like that, I always have to have a separate room. Because I don't want to murder my roommate. That's why I'm terrified about having to share a room at events with people. Because I've never had to do it. Never did it. Yeah, I never did it. Because I wake up screaming. It's terrible. about having to share a room at events with people because I've never had to do it. Yeah, I never did. Because I wake up screaming. It's terrible.
Starting point is 00:47:30 Just strangling someone. I had a nightmare literally last night about being forced to go back to school and all the teachers were zombie vampires. Wow. And the only safe place to hide was the bathrooms. I thought the nightmare was just going back to school because that would have been bad enough for me. Oh, that was it.
Starting point is 00:47:46 I had to do homework and everything. I kept sitting there doing the work and I was just like, I'm 22. I don't have to do this shit anymore. Why am I here? I think the zombie vampires would be like, great.
Starting point is 00:47:53 That would really liven the place up. I think that would have been fun. Yeah. Just fleeing through that school. Oh my God. Especially if they were pirates and Robocop was somehow involved as well. Pirates would have
Starting point is 00:48:05 been amazing ninjas just throw some ninjas but it's when it starts getting bloody and like morbid that i right yeah so that so that was enough to cause you to get up out of bed in your sleep and run around the school usually yeah anything having to do with school usually causes me some problems. And then it starts to get bloody. Have you ever had somebody, like, in a hotel phone the police because you were doing that or anything? No. If I heard somebody screaming like that in the middle of the night, I would probably phone the reception at least. It's more of like a yelp first. Like, ah!
Starting point is 00:48:40 Right. You wake straight up, and then I walk around the room for a little bit and just try and calm down. One time I did attack a vacuum in my room though. Because it looked straight up like this weird gremlin creature that was trying to kill me. I'm a pretty boring sleeper in comparison then. I don't think I ever get up. I don't even get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I'm just out. It's like a coma. And most of the time I don't even I ever get up. I don't even get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I'm just out.
Starting point is 00:49:08 It's like a coma. And most of the time, I don't even dream either. I'm just out for the count. That's it. Every time you get up, it's the great carrots and sprinkle them. Yeah, that's it. Sprinkle them all around. Yeah, I begrudge it as well. But no, I barely ever wake up. Even in the morning sometimes,
Starting point is 00:49:24 I just refuse to wake up. So I'm a pretty sound sleeper actually. Like I think we could be burgled in the night and they'd get away with it easy. I wouldn't get up or anything. You just let them burgle your house. Yeah. What are you going to do realistically, though? You're not going to stop somebody
Starting point is 00:49:48 from burgling your house in the middle of the night, are you? I don't think people will burgle a house that they know there's people there. You're going to run downstairs and you're on your own. They could just like... Hey! What are you doing? That's my junk! My shit!
Starting point is 00:50:04 Look at the mess you've made! Oh my goodness! You didn't even close the door! Let the heat out! Maybe it's different in America because you can have a gun when you do it. Maybe it's more exciting when it happens. You run down and you're like
Starting point is 00:50:19 load your shotgun. What are you doing? Or you have the bat. Honestly, in your place, the burglar will get about five steps before he treads on a Lego brick and a Spider-Man and fucking, you know. It's too dangerous.
Starting point is 00:50:34 Get out. I got Lego tracks. That's the shit. You need to do it like that one. There was multiple Christmas movies, right, about this. The kid, Home Alone, that's what it was. You need to just Home Alone booby trap the whole place. Legos, put some, like, sticky tape on the ground,
Starting point is 00:50:50 like, you know, cats, you know, to keep cats off corners. Put that on the floor. Yeah, but he knew that they were coming, though. Like, it wasn't just, like, a random burgle. Yeah, they specifically said, hey, kid, we're going to break in and kill you. He was like, let's get the trap. I have
Starting point is 00:51:08 two objects that I hope would scare a burglar away, but I would never actually use because I think I'd go to prison. I have my scary dagger. Which is like a pretty scary dagger.
Starting point is 00:51:22 It looks like it's covered in rust. So there's quite a cool story behind this. Mrs. F's grandfather was in World War II. He was in charge of an anti-aircraft battery. That was what he did. They threw knives at him. He was like a captain or whatever. No, no, no.
Starting point is 00:51:37 No, they didn't use knives. So what they did was they would set up and they'd shoot down the planes. So one day they're all there and these guys come down from the hills like hill tribesmen in india uh because he was in like jodhpur and they come down and the guys come down and they've all got all these rifles oh they're all like oh shit you know we must have shot one of their sheep or something with the aircraft guns now they're going to kill us and the guy just walks up to my uh mrs s grandfather
Starting point is 00:52:02 and gives him a rifle and nods at him and sort of goes and sits down. And he's like, so he has a look at it, cleans it, fixes it, you know, gives it back to him. And the guy just nods and walks away. Next day, the guy comes back and he takes this, this dagger out of his, his sort of coat, if you like, he draws a bit of this and he's like, it's all over. I've, you know know he shot the gun and missed anything because it's cursed now or something but he just hands him the dagger as a
Starting point is 00:52:29 way of saying thank you so this is this dagger was made by some kind of uh jodhpur tribesman the the the sort of scabbard if you like is obviously handmade it's all like hand-stitched everything is pretty pretty basic leather. The skin of their enemies. And the dagger is very lightly decorated with obviously homemade sort of decorations. The blood of their enemies. This is pretty cool. I figured that if it came to it,
Starting point is 00:52:54 I could explain that history to a burglar and that might distract him. This story's so dull. I'm out. Leave your house right now. I have to leave. I'm out. Leave your house right now. I have to leave. I'm done. I didn't come here to be taught history.
Starting point is 00:53:11 And then my air rifle is the other thing, and that's it. I think the air rifle has a better chance of scaring. You could tell them the story. This air rifle came from the wall. My bad. We just leave a lot of crap all over the floor at all times so that when they step in the house, we hear them downstairs straight away.
Starting point is 00:53:29 And then I'd run down to my undies and say, Halt! This is my Lee Harvey Oswald. Stop in the name of love. That's quite nice. So are you legally allowed to have that thing in your house?
Starting point is 00:53:45 Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I have a Red Ryder BB gun. I'm over 18. I have a permit. You have to hide the ammo so that your kids don't load it up. It's on a very high shelf. There's no way they'd reach it.
Starting point is 00:53:58 Oh, good. That's good. It's just an air rifle. You can legally buy them. Air rifle safety. You can fire those little pellets. There is a maximum strength that an air rifle can You can legally buy them. Air rifle safety. There is a maximum strength that an air rifle can be, but that's it.
Starting point is 00:54:10 After that, anything under that? Did you overclock yours? No, but you can, but I have not. Mine is 100% legal air rifle. It's just an air rifle. Everybody's entitled to buy one. You can buy one. An air rifle. For home defense, but my dad always had a cricket bat by his bed for like 20 years.
Starting point is 00:54:27 I didn't play cricket, so I don't have a bat. Right. Can somebody explain to me how cricket works? Yeah. Is it baseball at all? I'm still confused. Isn't it just like baseball? No.
Starting point is 00:54:39 Imagine if a baseball game took five days. Right. What the fuck? How do you win, though? How many points do you need to win? Well, just more than them. More than them? How does it take so long, then?
Starting point is 00:54:57 Because here's the thing. Let's say it's a test match. It's a test match of cricket. What does that mean? A test match. A test match, I'll describe. They just do. It's like a 200-year-old game.
Starting point is 00:55:08 Whatever fucking name they've got for stuff. It's just because it's old. Test match, please ignore. It's like not... No, it is a real match. You have your guys fielding, and the other team is batting, say, right? So you try and bowl them out, and they try and score as many runs as possible. And until you get them all out, they're in.
Starting point is 00:55:25 So they're just... Is it like a strikes? Like, is it like three And until you get them all out, they're in. So is it like a strikes? Like, is it like three strikes, you're out? No, no, no. If you're out, there are a lot of different ways to be out in cricket. So if you hit the ball and they catch it, it hits your leg, and it would have gone on to hit the wicket. That's LBW. How do they know that?
Starting point is 00:55:40 Do they have to use, like, technology? The guy just judges it, but they also now have TV technology. So he can declare it, or he can say he'll go like this, which means let's look at the TV replay. And they can analyze the trajectory of the ball and say, yeah, that would have hit the stumps, so he's out and stuff like that. There's all kinds of different ways to get out. So once you're out, that's you out for that inning.
Starting point is 00:55:58 It's not like baseball where you go around and around and around. So once you go through all the batters, can I finish? Once you're out, the other guys get to bowl. I feel like we need to answer questions, though, because I have a couple as well. I will answer the questions. Just let me get past this basic fundamental structure of the game. Shit, I didn't realize it was so serious.
Starting point is 00:56:18 Okay, so these guys are fielding. These guys are batting. These guys are all out. So they have a total, like like 350 all out or whatever. And now you swap. And now you bowl and they field. You bat and they field. So now you try to get as many runs as possible.
Starting point is 00:56:32 So maybe you get 500 runs, okay, and you're all out. And now they have to try and get up to your total on their second batting try. And they have to put up enough of a total that when it's your turn to bat again, you don't catch up with their total that's it it's very straight forward yeah there's one other thing that you can do well it is fuck it is come on here's my batting table then you try magic and you maybe do a little better than I get another go about you then you try and beat my final time
Starting point is 00:56:58 that's it yeah how is that complicated can you sing take me out to the ball game yes I can I'm a big baseball fan no but can you do that at a cricket match how many hours in a day do they play is there like i don't know i don't know what time they start they i know that they have like lunch and they'll have afternoon teas they have breaks and shit like that where they literally go and have a cup of tea but you can play for a draw so if they if you're if you're you're batting, and they've done all their batting. They've had both their goes at batting. You're on your second turn of batting.
Starting point is 00:57:30 All you have to do is stay in. If they don't knock you all out, if you just stay in and play defensively and last for the full five days, they're like, well, it's a draw. And also, if it rains and you don't get a chance to bat, like it's raining, can't play, draw. They don't just wait a day. They're just like, no, that's it. It's over.
Starting point is 00:57:46 It was a draw. Yeah. It's brilliant. It's amazing. I always liked cricket, actually. I guess the thing I liked was that- Do you watch it a lot, Flex? Is it like a-
Starting point is 00:57:55 No, I watch the Ashes, which is like when we play against Australia. That's like the Ashes is like the big one. Because what happened is we lost a big cricket match to australia and as a result we declared cricket is dead and we burnt the stumps and put them in a tiny urn and now the holder the winner of the ashes gets to keep the tiny tiny urn that has the burnt stumps in so i think australia currently we lost the ashes to them so they've got it so we're going to beat them next time and then we'll get so who's involved in the Ashes? Us in Australia. That's it.
Starting point is 00:58:28 It never switches up. You never get Pakistan. It's just us and the Aussies. It's the best. I will always watch the Ashes. You've got to beat the Aussies. This is incredible. That description of the best,
Starting point is 00:58:42 that does not sound like the best. The Ashes is awesome, dude. Cricket can be awesome. It sounds okay. It doesn't sound like the best, though. It's not, but I'm saying it can be. It's very slow. If it's a huge test match that comes down to the last few dramatic moments,
Starting point is 00:58:56 imagine you've been playing for five days, it all comes down to this. That is pretty cool. What I like is that you obviously, the way I see cricket is that when you build your little cricket team, you have to pick a couple of good batsmen and a couple of good bowlers. Now, often the good batsman doesn't matter that they can't bowl, but the good bowlers cannot fucking bat usually. They're garbage at it. And as a result, you put them at the end of the line. So as you start getting people knocked out,
Starting point is 00:59:25 as the good bats would get knocked out, the rest of them fall pretty quickly after that because they're all pretty shit. But sometimes they need those few runs and you've got like these bowlers who are like awful at batting. Garbage. Like struggling to like stay in there,
Starting point is 00:59:36 like they're overweight and they're like, you know, struggling to run up and down. Do you know what I mean? They're like spin bowlers or whatever who just... So like bowlers as in like... People who are, yeah. Yeah yeah bowlers you'd never do it like this pictures that is not bowling no i mean like well there's a table in my way i'm talking about like bowling yeah well you can't throw underarm you have to it's like pitching yeah it's like it's like chucking yeah i that's
Starting point is 01:00:01 what i know you can't you can't go under because there was famously they did that they bolded along the ground so that they couldn't get a run off it like that was a really famous ending to a cricket match really wow i just think you can't bend your elbow or something but yeah but the the the guys did it right where they bolded underarm and they couldn't hit it so and they were like that's not cool that's like not sporting they banned it oh that's not cool. That's like not sporting. They banned it? Oh, that's a shame. They banned it, apparently. Anyway, it is banned, I'm pretty sure. That is all we've got time for on the podcast. We've got to run some ads and we've got to have a little break. And so, yes, thanks for listening, everyone.
Starting point is 01:00:35 Thank you for joining us. Hey, yeah, I've learned so much. It's over already. God, that went so fast. We'll be back soon in a few minutes with more Jingle Jam. We'll see who's going to stick around. We'll play some games and yeah, see you in a minute.
Starting point is 01:00:52 What are we going to play? What time is it? I still got time. We'll discuss that in the break. What do you want to do? What do I want to do? What do you want to do? You hang up first. Bye everybody! See you in a second. Bye. Bye, bitches. See you in a bit.
Starting point is 01:01:05 Bye.

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