Triforce! - Triforce! #76: School: The Game

Episode Date: September 26, 2018

Triforce! Episode 76! Pyrion is a Shagger, Sips hates daytime TV and Lewis is meat shaming!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast. With me, Nervous. Also Sips is here. Yeah. And Period Flax is here. How you guys doing? Oh, great. Man, I am doing great. Just great. How are you doing? I'm good. I've been on non-stop for about two weeks now, and I'm feeling like I'm getting to the end of my candle burning.

You feel like a husk. You feel like a hollowed-out shell of a man. So we had RTX this weekend. Me and Imperium went down and met up in London, and we did a little stage show, a little panel, to a very small audience of about 50 people. It was funny because all the Rooster Teeth guys, I'll be perfectly honest,

I don't know anything about Rooster Teeth. I still wasn't sure what it is or what it is. I don't watch their stuff or anything. It's the American Yogscast, right? They started off a long time ago. They've been going for a long time. In fact, they're older than us. They started before we did, and they fact, they're older than us. They started before we did

and they're about five years older than us. Right. Well, actually, they're probably about your age. I may have seen Red vs. Blue or a couple of other things that people mentioned, but they have no presence in my life. Are you guys locked in a deal with them or something? Because you guys have done a bunch of RTXs, haven't you?

Well, me and Duncan and Shin wanted to go to Australia, New Zealand, January, when it was, you know, our winter, their summer, and we were like, let's go on holiday, we wanted to go to New Zealand anyway. They were like, RTX is happening. You know, it's a good excuse for you to swing by if you're basically going to be in Sydney anyway. So we were like, yeah, let's go go to Sydney for a week and do RTX. And we did.ney anyway um so we were like yeah let's go go to sydney for a week and and do rtx and we did and in return they were like oh you should come to our one in london we were like sure um and so so so we actually me and me and it was originally supposed to be me and shinner dunk going to london but for some reason duncan said he wasn't available so turps

said i'll just fill in right so i mean that's that's partly what happens with us you know it's like if someone can't make it for whatever reason some of the others are sort of fill in. Right. So I mean that's that's partly what happens with us you know it's like if someone can't make it for whatever reason some of the others sort of fill in and it was a slight obligation but not really

it was more they did us a favour so we did them a favour by appearing. But I mean the guys I met were nice guys it's just I honestly

I didn't realise that it was such a big thing like the convention that was there people were saying it was quite small compared to what they expected because the one in Austin is huge huge right rtx in uh well they're americans so i guess

their fan base is is probably predominantly american actually quite a busy big event honestly for what i mean if we did a yog con it would be even smaller than that you know rooster teeth are bigger than us really but the thing is people come because it's in the same place where Comic-Con is, they're expecting Comic-Con levels of bigness. Well, that's the thing. We've been to Comic-Con at the same venue before, and it is huge. But Comic-Con is huge. I think when you label something Rooster Teeth Expo,

we automatically feel out of place there, right? Yeah, that's true. We felt like we were stepping on their toes. We felt like we don't want to take the limelight off them we we feel like we're just sort of shy and retiring and almost like anyone that came to our panel i was almost like yeah hey guys thanks for picking us to come to rather than watching a roosterteeth and then when you got to the panel and there was only 50 people there you realized that all of your reservations were canceled out like straight away you were like oh shit yeah no we're not stealing the light after all yeah it was just an empty room we just went and hid in

there set up some mics real quick and pretended we'd been invited to the uh interestingly though um very few people actually in fact only one person i'd met before now normally we do insomnia and comic-con there's a good like yeah i'd say you see repeat offenders don't you like at yeah it's like it's like it was originally very very low but but i think it's now like 10 or something of people who come around i've usually seen before in some way insomnia or comic-con whereas at roosterteeth expo there was there was no one i'd seen before and they were all clearly big yorks cast fans as well they mostly wearing t-shirts or knowing stuff

that I didn't know like do you remember this thing that happened I was like wow or you know a lot of people have been watching for a long time and it just showed that we have definitely an overlapping audience Do you know what they're just not weebs this was the non-weeby Yogscast Londoners Because that's the Comic Con crowd

because normally there's a lot of weebs I haven't been to a convention in a long time so i'm i'm out of the loop a bit i don't imagine i didn't realize that you guys had such a big weeb following now imagine a scene in a movie where they open a portal to hell right all the demonic entities come pouring out that's comic-con but instead of the portal to hell it's just weebs it's just a it's all just like japanese school girls wearing pikachu backpacks but they're like six foot tall hairy dudes wearing right i get you i get you that's pretty much comic-con and i went i take my kids there and they they love it because they're like wow look at that dude's dressed as a baby you know and i'm like yeah there's a lot of cool stuff

at comic-con i remember when we went to i went to one in london um that's the one that i i met um kat slater and alfie moon at that was great and uh boys boys he was there as well yeah but um they had lots of lots of cool stuff they had lots of like arts and they had lots of merch and stuff and whatever whatever whatever dismissive of something that sips was trying to talk about whatever They had lots of like arts and they had lots of merch and stuff. Whatever. Whatever? Whatever. Very dismissive of something that Sips was trying to talk about. Whatever. All right, stop sharing your fucking experience, Sips.

Whatever. Whatever, mate? Geez. Nobody cares about your dumb experiences. So me and PFlex met up and we hung out for a little bit, didn't we? It was a nice time. Yeah, yeah, it was good. I drank the free booze and then we had dinner and i drank some more and then uh got the train home

and it was a very relaxed weekend actually it was normally when we do these events we are like full on okay so normally we do like a two hours of signing followed by another two hours and a half of signing followed by a show in the evening you know and it's like six or eight hours of work and it's like tough you know because we want to meet everyone that came out to see us but fortunately at rtx not too many fans really came by and then we fucked up barry's laptop got nicked of course yeah i mean that's gonna happen in london isn't it london's like a different world people yeah you might as well be living in a different country jersey too i mean you guys should just declare independence right now i know it I know, it's so different over here.

I mean, there's been no embracing of the British culture whatsoever in Jersey. I mean, they might as well just not be part of anything. I mean, technically they're not really part of anything. It's a really weird grey area. I think it's all to do with

the tax laws and stuff. I think it's that the rich people who make the decisions actually like to have it as a tax haven yeah just in case you know you never know when it starts to have outs you know if you're rich that's it you gotta have like yeah yeah contingencies secret escape boat yeah a pack a backpack do you guys ever feel like you because i watched a lot of these doomsday stuff right do you ever feel like you need like an escape pack ready to go in case the apocalypse happens? Not never.

That's not a thought that ever enters my mind. I'm super unprepared for all of those eventualities. Right. But I know deep down inside that I'm so weak and I'm really just used to my lifestyle as it is right now. And if anything were to change drastically, I think I would naturally just used to my lifestyle as it is right now and if anything were to change drastically I think I would naturally just die

I would not be able to cope with it at all You've accepted death in the case of In some ways I mean yeah, if something really bad happened I think my brain would go into some sort of meltdown and my body would probably just give up as well and then I would gently pass away before things got too bad sort of thing I think that's how it would go into some sort of meltdown and my body would probably just give up as well and then i would i would just gently pass away before things got too bad sort of thing i think that's how it

would go i'm not prepared i don't have a backpack i don't have any like one of those fainting goats i have any plans i haven't like future-proofed my house or my garage in any way like i i'm i'm fine with everything as it is now but i've done... But everyone knows someone who has got a Land Rover in a garage and, you know, has got like an escape. No, this topic comes up with you a lot though. Like, didn't you read a whole thing about a guy that was preparing for the end of the world? He had like a bunker and he spent...

Didn't your dad build a bunker? Your dad built a bunker, didn't he? Oh yeah, he did. You're right. He built a bunker in the garage. You told me that he built a bunker. So is this a Brinley family thing? Like you... I'd forgotten about that. Preppers. That's what they call themselves. Preppers.

Well, I mean, it wasn't as much a bunker as it was the 80s or the 70s, I guess. And it was kind of the Cold war where people were being told that you know nuclear war could like bust out and so you should prepare a shelter and so he he he reconverted like the um the car servicing thing in the garage so he bought this garage in the in the in the village that he lived and it just had one of these um a land rover in it where you drive your car over and you can do the work on the mechanics pit yeah and so he just sort of built this wooden structure over the top of it and he that was it he built a wooden structure over a mechanics pit and called it imagine like a just a solid concrete hole his vision is there's been a nuclear war right the

country's been flattened by it would only take like four nukes that russia pitches at us the nukes land everything's flattened and they're preserved is lewis's dad's garage with a little wooden shelter over mechanics but he he comes out with his little bindle of survival he's like i knew i was right to hire that garage. Better set off in search of adventure. Off he goes. Devastation everywhere as your eyes cast over the horizon. And in the distance, you see, what's that? Hang on. A teepee.

It must be Lewis's dad's shelter. Brindley the survivor. It survived. Room for one, Lewis. You'll have to find your own mechanics pit. Badada, please. Did I tell you I saw this thing about, there was this state agent that posted a thing back in the day,

well, about a year ago or something, and he basically posted the place where, if nuclear war were to break out with North Korea and everything, where would be the best place in UK to be safe, right? It turned out it's just outside Coventry, right? For some reason. Oh, surely. It's got to be if they sealed both ends,

the channel tunnel, right? That's got to be where... You'd want to be in the sealed channel tunnel. That's where humanity would rise again. That would be a terrible place to sit. From there. It's like Metro. Super safe down there.

Dude, half the people in there would be French. You may as well just kill yourself. If it's not sealed properly, though, you could get some radioactive guys down there, too. The chuds. Some radioactive chuds. They would bite and infect others and cause a domino effect. Monsieur, je suis un chud radioactive.

Have I made room for a little one? Get out of here, you. Oh fuck No honestly That's gotta be the safest place Or that The new shit pipe Is pretty Pretty deep underground too I think that'd be pretty safe But you'd have to

I'd love to live in the fucking shit pipe I'd love to live in that shit pipe I mean Christ Fuck me Your plans for survival I can see why you wanna just Kill yourself now but you'd have to I'd love to live in the fucking shit pipe I'd love to live in that shit pipe I mean Christ kids your plans for survival I can see why you want to just kill yourself now

kids the half life on the radio activity is about 50 years so you're gonna die in this shit pipe what's your obsession with pipes he's just thinking

of somewhere underground isn't he they're just safe man they're just like underground they're really they're really far underground

and I think you know if you you get your dad down there he could build a little wooden structure for everybody to live in and then boom just wait it out 50 years or so wait for the fallout to to subside and then it's gotta be like i reckon it's gotta be somewhere like skagness right or somewhere like on the coast mile like really at

the pinnacles where just go to fucking shakley or auckland's likely to be boats and a lot of people on boats have supplies like stored away right for long journeys on a boat like tins of stuff right and also like in a fallout sense you know if if the zombies do like come swinging in you know it's defensible as like a coastal town yeah we we talked about zombie survival last week i feel like we've obviously spent a week thinking about it we did about on board it wasn't last week wasn't it was the week before that was the week before was a good podcast and last week was pretty mediocre yeah hey so i've got a i've got a topic for you right you know you guys you guys know i used to

work um in tv right briefly uh in like sports tv mainly at sky yeah you did yeah you mentioned it yeah i did loads of shows so one of the one of the conversations that always comes back to me whenever i see a clip of people playing cricket it was i was working on the cricket show at um sky sports and it was it's a very long show like because cricket's a long game right so it's like a 10 hour fucking broadcast or something so you have to go in at like midnight that's when your shift starts and you're there until about one or two o'clock the next day and most you know you're in there it's a live broadcast coming from like India or somewhere like that and so one of the guests that they had was an ex-professional cricketer and he was on and he had to go at

some point I think he was just knackered so he cleared off and there was on and he had to go at some point. I think he was just knackered. So he cleared off. And there was the main presenter talking to his co-host, who's also an ex-professional cricketer. And they were talking about this guy and the way he described him, they were talking like the presenters always looking for gossip. Like they never release it.

They just like to be on the inside scoop. So all the gossip about who's banging whose wife and which guy's going to leave which football team and which manager's going to get fired. The players and the analysts that are on all these sports shows spill the beans copiously to anyone that will listen. For some reason, they feel like it's a safe place. So I overheard this conversation because I was just a runner

and they obviously ignored me. And they're discussing the fact that how many times this cricketer has cheated on his wife. But they're not discussing it like cheeky sort of can you believe it mate he's been fucking everything every woman moving he's just fucking i'm like it's disgraceful they're just like uh so i heard he was cheating again when they were on tour oh yeah yeah well he's a shagger like that was the way they define it he's a shagger so he loves it you know he's a shagger and then the other guy was like nodding sagely like yeah yeah well, well he's a shagger so fair enough. But that was it. That was the definition of a bloke who just cheats on his wife.

He's a shagger. And I just thought they both instantly knew what that means to describe. He's a shagger. That's it. He's a shagger and I'm still trying to define clearly in my mind what that is. Yeah, he's just he's a shagger. He just does that. Do you reckon that... The way he described it would be like if I'd said to you, well, he so he couldn't eat any cake that was how they described it so you know what so he went he cheated on his wife yeah mate he had to he's a shagger isn't he oh yeah fair enough it's like that that's it completely absolved responsibility dude's a shagger yeah i just thought

it was so weird it's like it was a medical condition that the guy had you were just explaining it yeah of course he can't play tennis he's got no arms yeah fair enough of course you know it was literally like that weird isn't it god damn yeah because you know what when all those tapes came out of um andy gray and and richard what the fuck his name is he had uh rich keys did you remember this tapes that came out of them basically being incredibly sexist and and unpleasant um yeah i remember hearing about that yeah so when those those i was working there when a lot of that stuff was was filmed, like we'd be working on the football and, you know, they're all talking. It's all it's like, as Donald Trump fans have put it, just locker room talk.

Right. But the thing is, at Sky, those broadcasts are broadcast out to all the editing suites and to all the offices. So if you're sitting there in the office, you can just watch the live feed from the studio and the editing suites get the live feed because they can edit it up on the fly and put it into a highlight show like for that evening or whatever so all that stuff wasn't just locker room talk between three or four people it's actually being broadcast out to the entire company which is why they got in so much trouble right but i just thought like it was a weird culture there like people being shaggers and whatever it was just that was the way sky was

it's it's kind of people get used to it, right? People get used to a certain way of being and hanging out with people and speaking. And that sometimes gets into the culture so that you forget where you are. You forget that you're in a professional environment. And then when new people come in, they kind of either get inducted into that quite quickly

or they are too scared to sort of call people out on it. Most people don't want to rock out on it you know because most people don't want to rock the boat you know certain certain people like i don't know like me and tom like buttheads sometimes because he's like actually willing to speak out about stuff that i'm blind to or no one else will tell me about he's like yeah this thing's shit and i'm like oh yeah actually it is you know he's like this thing you're doing is just garbage and i'm like okay yeah okay good point and it kind of makes me slightly annoyed with him but also grateful right in the same in the same way that that like and i think hopefully i hope that a lot of people have that same relationship with us

but maybe maybe this guy the shagga right maybe he just knows someone who he calls the shagga right like like i don't know like imagine he's got a friend called steve this the shagga shaggy steve yeah yeah sh shaggy this shagger and so he's like oh that maybe that's why shaggy was called shaggy in the scooby-doo that's why daphne was so cautious around shaggy because she knows shaggy's yeah she was like he's got a reputation i reckon him and scooby are a pair of shaggers i don't know much about this guy but his name is raising alarm bells all across the board for me i think this might be just a case of like you know he's actually just got shaggy hair but but then he's like well

actually you know i'm not going to shut that down because it does sound like you know i've got this accolade as being oh manly shagga oh yeah and you know you gotta gotta keep their reputation if you meet a lot of ladies they're like oh man this is this guy's the shagga that locker room talk is it's a weird it's a weird thing isn't it because i i know like i've been in situations where i've been around people doing that but i find like this point in my life i'm not around anyone who does that i can't remember the last time i had a a serious conversation with somebody about like how many women they've had sex with and stuff like because

we're grown-ups now i guess so yeah it's the kind of thing you talk about either when you like i think if you've been in a long-term relationship it changes your view of talking about that kind of stuff as just being i guess so yeah but if you're someone like i know people who've been single for a long time they've had sex with people in that time but they've never been in a relationship for longer than a few weeks, right? Yeah. And it's like, I think in that case, you still think about sex and the opposite sex in the same way as you did when you were 18, 19 and single. Because you've never had to mature in a relationship with another person. You've basically just been a single person, shagging whoever they want and thinking, yes, another notch on the bedpost.

And that's pretty much what you're gonna think about i'm not like um you know i've had sex you know twice in my life and um i um i'm not i'm not a person who's like obsessed that was a hundred percent fertile yeah yeah that's it i was just really lucky both times yeah each time yeah managed to produce a one one child each time but um like some you know some people like it's become almost like a bit of a trope in in ways too right like in in shows and movies there's always this one guy who's you know at the bar and he's always talking about girls and how many girls he wants to get off with and it's always somebody who's like a bit slimy and a bit older and stuff like i i don't understand that mentality like i'm i'm an older guy like well comparatively i guess

and i you know i barely think about any of that stuff anymore maybe it's because i've been married for a while and i've had i have kids and i think it's like content enough in that sense. Imagine if Life has a series. Oh, there's the door. Fuck. Interruptions. Why does it always happen? Every fucking podcast. It's because he's the fucking Amazon delivery fucking thing

for his whole road. Wait, isn't this Cleaners or is it? Oh, my God. Okay, this is spooky. Every fucking time. I'll wait for Flask to get back. I've got a spooky story. It's not that spooky.

But I think on the topic of Amazon, I think I have like an Amazon angel or something like a guardian angel at Amazon. Right. Because I ordered Iron Gold, you know, the latest Red Rising book. Okay. I ordered this on Amazon. It would have been before it came out. And I think it came out in January. January 2018, right? And it's now, what, almost October 2018?

So I pre-ordered this book because I just finished reading the Red Rising trilogy. The third one. Yeah. I just finished reading it. I was like, fuck, I can't wait for the next one to come out. I want to see what happens. I'm going to pre-order this book so that it arrives when it's out, and then I'll just start reading it.

And great. It was like 15 bucks on Amazon. And I was like, okay, cool. And it never turned up. And I totally forgot about it, too. I don't know why. and i totally forgot about it too like i don't know why but i just i totally forgot about it a couple months later i realized hang on a second i pre-ordered that i never got it i was too lazy to do anything about it and i just sort of written it off in my mind

you know like oh well also i've done that but then i thought i pre-ordered something and then i turned out i hadn't pressed checkout or whatever so i looked it up it's like where the fuck is my thing and i looked at my orders yeah no this this checkout or whatever. So I looked at it. I was like, where the fuck is my thing? And I looked at my orders. Yeah, no, this was ordered. Like I looked at my account. And then so the other day I was streaming. Dildos, dildos, dildos. Yeah, amongst all of my orders of spoons and dildos for my collection.

Yeah, there's Iron Gold, a Red Rising book pre-order. So I'm streaming the other day and somebody asks, hey, have you read Iron Gold yet? And I was like, oh, fuck, no, I haven't. I totally forgot about it, but I pre-ordered it and it never turned up. And like, maybe I should do something about it. And then of course I did nothing about it.

I totally forgot that I even had the conversation or whatever. So then yesterday I go in and my wife's like, oh, there's something from Amazon here for you. I was like, oh, weird. Like what? From like the P.O. box or is it just from like normal mail? She's like, no, normal mail. I was like, what the fuck?

I haven't like ordered anything. Well, not that I know of anyway. I open it up and it's fucking iron gold. Like nine months late. And then I check my email like in my junk folder or whatever. And then I check my email, like in my junk folder or whatever. And there's the Amazon dispatch email as well from like two days ago. So I was like, what the fuck?

So either me just talking about it on stream was just a pure coincidence two days later. They're always listening. This is it now. They must be. It's crazy. Oh, yeah. Do you have an Alexa? Yeah, I do actually. I have ana in my garage and in my kitchen so alexa literally hears every conversation i have

they probably heard you saying amazon order where is it and it's like hasn't arrived and it goes off and does some fucking check unbelievable this is i mean what else could it be it's either a bizarre coincidence fair enough or the evidence is right there next to you sips it's that fucking robot spy that you've brought into your house to do the corporate man's bidding alexa are you spying on me i only send audio back to amazon when i hear you say the wake word for more information and to view amazon's privacy notice she's the help section of your alexa app there's a wake word apparently alexa what is the current wake word alexa i don't know that one no she doesn't know apparently she fucking does she tell her alexa you're a lying bitch you know what's crazy the other night it was like 11 o'clock at night my kids were sound asleep

we just finished watching some tv and stuff and my wife turned over to me and she was like i'm tired you know i'm going to go to bed i was like okay cool it was all quiet all throughout the house and all of a sudden from the kitchen fucking music starts blaring it's like what in the fuck is happening and it was just alexa just randomly playing music at 11 o'clock at night no no wake up no prompting whatsoever like she is on all the time and listening and doing stuff she's always listening it's like this is like demon seed have you seen the movie demon seed sadly no julie christian very old 70s movie i'm sure i've talked about it before on the podcast.

Right. Listen, this is about a guy who develops a robot to run a house, right? We're not far from this. Like, a lot of this stuff, the 70s sci-fi was quite prescient. They missed it a bit. But so the idea is this computer runs everything. So adjust the temperature, cooks the food, orders food when you need it, everything. Everything.

The front door, it knows who's coming and going and everything. And it becomes obsessed with uh the dude's wife and in the end impregnates her with a robot child that is then born and instructs her that she has to stay and look after and everything it's bonkers it's a bonkers movie what's it called demon seed demons yeah and i saw it on tv when i was a kid they had it on tv in the states somehow during the fucking day and i saw it on TV when I was a kid. They had it on TV in the States. Somehow, during the fucking day, and I watched it, and I remember this had a great effect on my distrust of technology, I think, in some way. Oh, my God. So we talked about this last week of old sci-fi and old shitty movies

that we watched, right? But I remember this movie. I'm sure it was called Sperm Bomber, but I just looked it up now, and I can't find it anywhere. Sperm Bomber. Sperm Bomber. It was like a horror movie, but it was about like Sperm Bomber, but I just looked it up now and I can't find it anywhere. Sperm Bomber. It was like a horror movie, but it was about this guy who like killed women by like having sex with them. And then they would explode like a few hours later. It was a movie.

We talked about it at school. Oh my goodness. I'm sure it had a different name. Did you guys ever see that? It was a horror thriller movie called Body Parts? Did you ever see that one? Fuck, I don't even know. So a regular family man is driving home from work.

It's raining. The weather is terrible. Low visibility. And he gets into a car crash. And to cut a long story short, he has to have his arm amputated, okay? Right. So the arm that they give him in replacement of his old busted up arm is the arm of a recently executed serial killer, okay? Of course it is.

They give him his arm and they don't tell him about this, okay? Then he gets home and then shit starts to hit the fan the arm starts trying to kill people but it's out of his control so like he's he's making out with his wife and then he and then the arm sort of like starts choking her while this is happening and she's like choke me harder yeah it's good I think it's from the 80s it's called body parts it's really good

it's really good would he go to eat a bagel and it slaps it out of his mouth and stuff like that stop eating that fatty he's pouring hot water on his tea and then the arm

just like jugs him just jugs him jugs himself why do I keep jugging myself Why do I keep jugging myself? Why are they jugging? Oh, fuck. That's what he learned in prison. Yeah.

Yeah, so there was body parts, body parts, and then there's another horror movie that, without fail, every time we had a sleepover party or birthday party with my friends, we would always rent this one movie called prince of darkness and it was so fucking scary it's a spooky movie when we were small i don't know if it would be now but holy fuck me it was goddamn so scary so for anyone that hasn't seen it it's about these i guess they're kind of scientists and theological historians and experts and whatever and they come

together to examine this really old piece of something. The details of the movie have been lost, but all these possessed people sort of besiege the school or the faculty that they're in. Yeah, it's like a big building. Yeah, it's quite gory and it's quite grim, but it's got some very, very, very cool sci-fi stuff in it. I'm going to put a small spoiler

so I can talk about it. So spoiler alert, if you don't want to know, probably just tune out for like a minute or something. It's really, it's not a great movie. It's a 1987 movie. So the gist of it is

that there's like an element of time travel to this sort of broadcast that they're receiving and they can't understand it, that they're getting this warning message on their sort of radio and stuff like that and on the tv that they're kind of trying to tune into and it's because there's some kind of portal that's like a mirror and the devil is in the mirror or some kind of demon or something and basically this woman accidentally goes through it and then they receive a broadcast the broadcast they're receiving is from the future

warning them in the past for fuck's, don't let this demon through the mirror because it's fucking everything up. You'd have to watch the movie to understand it. But it was super cool at the time. I remember thinking, holy shit, that's such a weirdo ending. Man, it was not super cool for me. Being like a nine-year-old kid shitting his pants at a sleepover with this on. Fuck me.

Yeah, it's super scary sometimes you when you're a kid you really just chose that sometimes you do that though you choose the wrong movie a little bit like a clickbait you know i feel like movies have always had this kind of you don't necessarily get a good picture of what a movie is from the poster often right and as a result you end up sometimes just just just going into the wrong thing like parents taking their kids into movies that they shouldn't take them into because the poster looks like it'll be a kid's film or looks like it'll be happy or something.

They don't really look at it clearly. It's amazing how often that happens too. But back in the day, you just saw Prince of Darkness and you thought, fuck, that sounds like a great fantasy movie. It sounds like Robin Hood. They had ads and stuff, but it wasn't as there wasn't there wasn't the information like there is now you know there weren't you there weren't reviews and stuff there wasn't like like a review aggregator or anything like that you just you saw something you thought that looks okay and you went to see it and you're right that oftentimes like

stuff was was not rated properly so you'd end up going to shit that was like you know not what you thought it was going to be and stuff it was a bit of a mess especially if you just turn on the telly and it's on yeah yeah it's very hard to yeah there's some there used to be like i mean tv is different now because there's just lots of like old shit that's rerun all the time. But yeah, TV used to be some really weird shit on TV as well. I was trying to find something to watch the other day and I was looking and it was all just reruns or these kind of serial shows that they took out now, which are just like auction shows, cooking shows shows and very like i was just like just fucking put some old movies on like in the middle of the day i would love to just kick back and watch fucking demon seed three o'clock on a sunday bbc one darkness prince of darkness bosh it on four

o'clock itv2 sunday afternoon bingo just put that you know put some fucking movies on there because there's nothing nothing they wonder why people are fleeing television for on demand because it's fucking shit they're not even trying anymore there's literally nothing to watch it's fucking they just decide we've got to fill the schedule guys so just fucking jam a shitload of wanky shows out and we'll just pump them out and we'll just show you could show this a thousand times and the thing is because they're all so fucking uniform, you can't tell the difference between them. You end up watching the same fucking shit day in, day out.

You don't even know. There's only ever been one episode of Bargain Hunt ever made. It's just the same one. Nobody knows. Nobody notices. It's the same fucking little heart-shaped box with the compass and the bedside table and a lamp that they sell at Bargain Hunt every single week at auction.

And they bought it for £65 and they sold it for £60. A £5 loss. Unfortunate blue team. Let's see if red team can do better with their lovely library book. And it's always like, oh, looks like they've managed to secure themselves a whopping 15 pounds it's like it's really fucking worth watching they give it to them at the end the episode like it's like their fucking payment sold a fucking book for 15 pounds i need to know about

this fuck me like the sad thing to me is they fucking spent more on petrol driving around finding shit to sell yeah for their two pound profit then i'm like you know you could have just stayed at home and probably made more money like even with this interest rate in this economy you could have made more money staying at home i think it's just it's just oh there's some real stinkers on the bbc though it's like daytime tv like a fucking antiques road show kill me i i've never even watched it it's just the whole premise of the show is so utterly miserable like i can't imagine like anybody fucking watching that shit so do you guys want to know that what's on television right now on the main channel it's not well and then the other one for me is songs of praise

holy fucking the worst show ever made. I don't even care. You can be religious. That show still sucks. You've got to admit that. Come on, man. Fucking get a fucking life. Christ. Well, first of all, okay, those things are required by the BBC. Yeah, yeah.

As part of their license. I know. So this is pretty unique. The BBC is a non-profit channel, effectively. And therefore, as part of its mandate, it has to do Countryfile and the Farmers thing and Songs of Praise. unique in in the bbc is a non-profit channel effectively and therefore it's but it but as part of its mandate it has to do country file and the farmer's thing and songs of praise certain things i actually kind of like tv yeah no i like country it's so gentle i do it's a guilty pleasure they go talk to some farmer who's making making into pigs. Some of the houses on that too are great.

Like nice old fucking country houses. And you're just like, shit, yeah, I like that country. Here's what's on the BBC. Homes Under the Hammer is on right now. I love that one too. Homes Under the Hammer is great. Then there's Close Calls on Camera, right? Which is not, I mean, you could have seen any of this shit on YouTube.

Then Bargain Hunt. And then later on the BBC, you've got the news. Then Doctors, which is not i mean you could have seen any of this shit on youtube then bargain hunt and then later on the bbc you've got the news then doctors which is terrible chase the case which is a terrible game show escape to the country garden rescue antiques road trip pointless which is legit i like pointless pointless all right yeah and then it is the same fucking thing every episode then it's the one show which I watched last night and it was terrible. Yeah, the one show is pretty bad. It's the worst show. So I was watching it last night and I pointed out to Mrs. F. They had two guests on.

So the gist of the show is they get two people on to talk about some fucking shit that they're doing. But because it's Britain, they're never really that famous. Sometimes you'll get some really famous people on like if there's a movie or something coming out the other week they had the cast of ant-man on so they had paul rudd and they had um michael douglas and uh these guys are on the press trail right exactly so they're doing a thing but they were good guests right and they because they're american you know they can talk and they're funny and yeah they've probably got some interesting stories last night they had fucking l fuck i can't remember

her cocking name uh hang on bugsy malone cast i'll find it for you it was bonnie langford right and the guy who was on i can't remember what the show is called he's he's like a nerdy kind of doctory type guy and he does experiments and like what happens if all you eat for a year is bananas you know do you turn into a monkey we want to know you know so it was him and two terrible guests and all they all that happened was the hosts would try to say something and the two guests would just talk right over them and they were obviously trying to get as much stuff in for their slot as possible then they cut cut to the very sad, bored-looking audience. There was like a little bit of chat. They did some bit where they throw to some lad with a mic.

It's like a super easy half hour of TV. And that's like their big prime time show. It's like 7 o'clock weekdays, one show. Just after dinner, everybody turns on the TV. That's what they get confronted with with the one show. I just thought it was kind of, it was so terrible. Then you've got EastEnders, which is still fucking plodding on. MasterChef, something called Press, which looks like a shit drama.

And then Question Time and then some more new stuff. MasterChef is another one. If it's on in the background, I can look up from, you know, my iPad or a book or something and watch it and not be completely miserable about it. You know, like I think it's i think master chef's all right you know what other shows i fucking hate i hate those shows like eat well for less and you know those ones where right oh jimmy and sue from norwich uh are in a lot of debt and so we're gonna come in and we're gonna help them out by you know changing the way they they shop we're gonna make sure that they don't buy all branded stuff we're gonna get

them to buy off and you know all together sure okay they probably save a bit of money but fuck it's so tedious it's like so what'd you think of that shampoo j Jimmy? He's like, well, it's not the usual shampoo that I'm used to. I like full volume with conditioner to make my hair feel better. It's like, yeah, but was it good? And he's like, yeah, it was okay. I'd probably buy it again. Well, it was an off-brand one. And you know that you can save yourself a whopping 50 pounds a year by buying this one.

And you just think, oh, for fuck's sake, Jimmy. Just fucking kill yourself if it's that fucking bad. If you need to save 50 pounds a year by buying a different shampoo. I mean, Christ almighty. How did you get into this fucking ditch in your life? You're worrying about 50 pounds a year because of a shampoo that you like to use. I mean, fuck. I think they put these shows on to make people feel like.

Worse than they already feel, I think. It's also, I think, so a lot of old people can sit around and tut about how much money people that are younger than them are spending on things and say and it's also a way of saying these people have financial trouble look how stupidly irresponsible they're being and if that sort of cements the idea in people's brains i think and pleases people that being poor is a choice that people have made by being stupid with money like that's the only way you end up poor is by spending 50 pound a year on shampoo and and more more than you need to like i think a large group of people watching take extreme satisfaction from seeing that small slice of very carefully selected people contestants if you like on a show who were fucking idiots and apparently wrote in and said we're incredibly bad with money please help and they're like, let's get these guys.

And then they become poster children for this idea that poverty is a fucking choice you make. These people, like, the reason they're in debt is so stupid. It's like, yeah, I need to buy a new pair of shoes every day. Well, fuck you. You are going to be fucking dead. Who's buying new pairs of shoes every goddamn fucking day? I mean, that's not the way to live your life. You know, fucking forget about

Jimmy 2 shoes, right? There's Jimmy 1,000 shoes. Like, shoes. What are you going to do? Forget about it. I got 1,000 pairs of shoes. I wear them all the fucking time. Look at me. I got black shoes, slightly different black shoes, another pair of black shoes. Believe me, when you know these shoes, you wouldn't mix them up.

They're pretty fucking different. Don't let the fact I've got 1,000 pairs of identical black shoes believe me when you know these shoes although you wouldn't mix them up they're pretty fucking different don't let the fact i've got a thousand pairs of identical black shoes fool you they're all subtle differences buddy a black shoe for every occasion this is my god oh my god it's oh it's crazy i so those i i really don't like those shows either man they drive me nuts like fuck i i don't think people think that much about them, though. And also, TV's always been crap. Like, I remember when it was the same when we were kids. Like, I had this incredibly huge textbook, like the biggest book I've ever seen in my life,

and it was like a film review guide thing. And every time there'd be like a movie on the TV, I'd get the fucking book out. And it would have like this shitty paragraph, and it would be like half a star. You know? Oh, you meant you were recording your thoughts about the program? Like, oh, no. Rotten Tomatoes, you know, you used to have what we had, like in our house like this the 2006 fucking older than that 1996 um barry norman reviews or whatever book film film 98 or whatever just yeah just incredibly thick tome and even even that didn't have half the fucking shit tv films in it

there's a lot of shows now like you know that are talking you know like all these like dieting shows and shows where it's like you need to you need these vitamins you need to eat this stuff and you need and so now there's like this whole industry around supplements and all of this shit that people have never used in the past and they they've been all right for it but now apparently they have to fucking do all this stuff that all these like herbal remedies and all this shit that doesn't really work can we not get on the subject of diet because i have my lewis lecture at the weekend just oh did you oh so so so i so pyrrhon was complaining about something and i was like man you shouldn't be eating so much meat.

And Pyrrhon was like, I don't really eat meat. And I was like, what? I couldn't believe it. It was just a classic. I must have said this to him about a dozen times, because every time I eat any kind of meat, he says again, you really should cut down on meat, Pyrrhon, while I'm eating meat.

It's like, all right, I'm having meat now. Yeah, you did assume. I just assumed. And as I said to you, you continually you did assume and as i said to you you continually assume it and i still have to remind you every single time we meet i know i'm so sorry i'm cannibal i don't just stuff my face with human flesh because i care about you man i love you i know buddy i appreciate it but it's just wait what's the problem let me see if i can do a diagnosis okay what's exactly the problem he's got a the problem? He's got a dicky heart. He's got a dicky head.

Right. And he's got a dicky dick. It's all dicky. Forget about it. It's all dicky. So hang on, your dick is broken? Yeah, everything's broken, mate. The whole thing.

Oh, shit. So just eat meat 24-7. I'm eating meat right now. You're trying to self-medicate through eating a lot of meat. Okay. Is that what you're doing? Sure. You cracked the case no no i'm asking you is that what was that is that what's happening you're no you have a broken fuse don't get confused sips i'm saying i don't eat a lot of meat and i'm saying that lewis

thinks i always do eat a lot of meat it's weird and i'm saying i don't period was like bacon and eggs for breakfast every day okay so hang on a second backtrack a little bit you guys you guys meet each other at rtx yeah you you you you turn up lewis is there waving you get up i'm waving a drumstick in one hand and then you're like oh lewis hey lewis good to see you you guys hug and stuff and then lewis says so you still eat a lot of meat that's literally how it goes right well yeah i can smell the meat and then immediately your back is up for the whole rest of the con yeah yeah what the hell is it oh yeah i do okay i do eat a lot of meat like things like at the yogs car stand there was a sign that said meat and greet,

but he changed it to say meat, M-E-A-T, and greet when I was there. Just petty shit like that. Just like, yeah. I see. So he's giving you a hard time about eating the meat. I can't help it. I really can't help it.

It's just funny. It's weird how you become like a campaigner for certain, for no reason. I'm not like that. Well, at least I don't perceive myself that way. You never mentioned to me that I should do X. You've never told me anything. Shut the fuck up is like the most you've ever said to me, I think, in terms of direction. I don't even think I've ever said that to you.

I think maybe once you told me to shut up, once. I remember it very well. Right, okay. Well, I apologize. I mean, I'm not normally a shutter-upper. I don't tell people. I usually just roll with the punches and stuff. I guess I must have been really mad.

No, you never have. Like, Lewis loves to direct me because I think he still thinks I'm like some kind of unruly caveman that he's domesticated. I think, honestly, I feel like Lewis missed his calling as a pimp. still thinks i'm like some kind of unruly caveman that he's he's domesticated i think i feel like lewis missed his calling as a pimp like he's a very controlling person isn't he he's like you know he's always got like these grand schemes uh all set up give me my money shut up yeah you could have been you would you would have been a great pimp lewis yeah yeah he seems in control and calm but you know he's gonna snap neck. You know that a bitch slap is just around the corner.

One false move. It's just this arm that I had tattooed onto me. It's a fucking pimp's arm. You can't stop bitch slapping people all the time. I can't control it. He carries a diamond-tipped cane everywhere, this hand. Can't do anything with it.

I have no control over whether or not this hand wants to hold the cane. It's just always there. It's not me, baby. It's my pinball. Of course I bought a fedora and a trench coat. One hand on my dick, the other one on my pip cane. That is my dick also. No, honestly, though, so how did the meat lecture come up then?

Did you mention that you're not feeling well in some way? I think period had like three pints of cider. Right. And I was like, I was like, we were talking about stuff. And I think you'd mentioned that you, I can't remember. Anyway, after I said it, you were like, my diet's the best. I fast for two days a week. I didn't say it's the best, but I do fast.

Yesterday was a fast day. Day before that was fine. Day before that was a fast day. So what is this? You just drink water no no it's like 600 calories max which for you know grown adult is not much so i just don't eat much on those days um and we me and mrs f have an extremely healthy dinner and then the other days are you know normal but uh back to normal yeah but the thing is you get into the of, it's just a habit forming thing. So it's like if you have a couple of days of fasting,

for one thing, your appetite is then lower on the following days. And you just get used to the idea of not eating habitually. It's just a way of breaking a habit. It would be like if you always clicked your fingers when you were talking. If you had a couple of days a week

where you just didn't do it, eventually that just becomes a part of your routine. And then maybe you don't click your fingers or in my case, eat 300 weight of raw beef, which is of course what I do. I feel like I'm at the point in my life now where I think the only thing that would get me eating healthier and exercising more is if I had some sort of companion app that tracked my achievements and gave me points based on the things that I do on a daily basis. There are definitely apps like that. I know. And I refuse to even look into it.

But on that topic, my son came home from school the other day and he was like, oh, dad, we have this like app thing that we have to use for our homework at school. He's six years old. He has homework. It's crazy. But anyway, he's like, there's a new app that my teacher wants us to all have a look at. And we have to do like some of our lessons on this app. So it's like, oh, cool. I mean, it's 2018.

It was just a matter of time before like all this stuff started happening. So we open this app and we look at it. We log in with this thing that he was given and everything for his school. And they are video gamifying school now. It's insane. It's like there's like achievements and like milestones and like daily lesson tasks and weekly lesson tasks. And it's like doing your dailies in WoW.

It's crazy. it's clever though it's clever because people love that kind of stuff right it's that i think it's really clever that release of endorphins when you've achieved something and you can see it you can see it on your screen you get these points and it unlocks things so like he he had to do a math lesson and something else and if he if he did it he unlocks like a new background for the app. And it was like a future city. And he was so fucking excited about it. He was like, oh, shit, look at it now.

Well, he didn't say shit, but he's like, oh, fuck, look at this fucking app. He didn't say fuck either. But he was like, oh, look, it's a future city background for the app. And I was like, yeah, that's amazing. And there was like some other ones. There was like a bug layer and another one. I was like, yeah, you sure you don't want the bug layer? He's like, no, I like the future city.

I was like, no, that's my son. You know what I think would be cool is if as the kids rank up, they get higher tier uniform. So they get to wear like a really fancy cardigan. They get epaulettes and stuff. Get a hat. It's like a marching band hat. And they just hang out in the playground,

just in there, like which is the equivalent to like hanging out in Orgrimmar. Yeah, they can unlock new emotes. Wow, look at that mount. Sad trombones and dance moves. Yes, it's a fancy bike. Yeah, that's his epic mount. Those are the things that are definitely missing.

But like, um yeah it's it's insane i was really part of me thinks wow it's great and i probably would have learned a lot more at school if i had a system like that and then part of me felt really sad as well kind of almost like a bit desperately sad that it's come to this because i i don't know like oh fuck you turned out all right i don't think you needed i don't think you need to feel bad that you didn't have these learning aids i mean we had no i don't feel bad that i didn't have them i just you know i just don't think they're needed at all but whatever it's we had people that told us that we should do our homework i don't know it was

different it was different i mean i never did it either. And yeah, I'm fine. I hated homework. You have to roll with it. You have to change things. I did mine. I used to do mine on the bus on the way in. Like, I've been disorganized since I was 10 years old. I got caught doing that a few times. Like, somebody told on me for doing that. Fucking little snitchy cunts.

I fucking hated those kids. I was so mad as well. They were like, what the fuck are you doing? Your homework on the bus on the way to school in the morning? Like, what are you doing? And then they'd have these regimes for me where I'd have to do – they would last for like a week. I'd have to do my homework at night, like right after dinner, and then they'd just lose track. And then it would be back to homework on the bus before school.

But, oh, God, yeah. But those kids, man, those fucking kids at school that were the tattletales there's a reason that the rule in prison is snitches get stitches because all those guys in prison had some shitty little fucker at school who told on them and it led to a life of crime i'm sure of it i'm sure i'm sure of it don't fucking open your mouth it yeah. Don't fucking open your mouth. It's not your fucking job. Shut up. Yeah. I know there's always one, though, or two. I mean, if you're whistleblowing some genuine criminal activity, that's fine. Sip's not doing his fucking homework. I've been in the same boat, Sip. Some fucking kid told, and you get in trouble.

I'm like, what the fuck do you get out of that, you fucking nerd? Fuck off. Mind your own fucking business, okay? I'll do my homework whenever I fucking want to. Just makes me want to puke. I did fairly well on my homework, too, like like even though it was rushed and in the morning oh man the worst was writing book reports on the bus in the morning holy shit that was hard that was hard that was intense yeah oh my god luckily i had some friends who were sympathetic like we were we were in the

same group of of slackers basically and we'd often forget homework and we would copy from each other and we would give each other summaries of the book so we'd but the worst one i had was art homework that i'd forgotten to do and i'd be drawing something on the bus while it's bumping along i mean the teacher must have said funny how there's these big sudden swoop marks to the left and the right like you've gone around a corner at high speed and you're just looking at like an earthquake graph literally oh my god he's just hated homework oh my god yeah no i i i didn't like i don't know now i think i'd be more interested in school because i i'm generally more interested in stuff but at the time man it was the last thing i wanted to do i didn't want to learn anything i didn't want to fucking do anything i just wanted to like dork around with my friends and stuff i didn't you know fuck it was always the worst but

i don't know maybe it would have been different if i had an app that tracked my achievements i don't know i doubt it but yeah i think it was smart 2018 everybody 28 what do we not have christ it's insane well who knows what we'll have in 3018. That's what I want to know. Yeah, I want to know what's happening. What's happening in 3018? It'll be you come home from school and they'll just have a chip in their brain. Man, I'll be long gone. What have you learned today?

I have learned how to cook. Oh, God. It's how to talk. Do not eat meat. Your arm has its own chip in it so that it could just freestyle and do its own thing like an arm transport you get someone else's chip maybe that's the future is one of your arms is robot controlled and that way it can do a menial job while you're watching tv and you don't even have to pay attention so the robot arm takes over your or you just have a robot takes over your body

and your brain is free so your brain is just off in some virtual world somewhere and doesn't even notice it's working in a factory making sandwiches for m&s yeah but because it's so complex and multi-threaded you can still control this robot and you know have sex with a ton of chicks in heaven at the same time yeah in heaven yeah and be present in both realities as well do you wonder is there sex in heaven is it nasty i mean what if it's just really boring heaven sex you know what i mean i mean the angels are going to be like disgusted at most people you know they're going to be like sex oh god well that's an earthly pleasure here in heaven we play the lute and look at clouds. I'd be like, fuck, where the bitch is that?

And you'd be in hell before you know it. Well, I don't know. Can you get cast from heaven and sent to hell from there? Yeah, St. Peter, I'm a shagger. I know, I've seen your fire. St. Peter, please, I came here to shag. Where's the pussy? I came to heaven for the pussy.

I've been a shag my whole life. You knew this. I just can't help it. You knew this. Yeah, we hoped you'd change once you saw the loots and clouds. I like how the idea for heaven is that it's some sort of paradise in the clouds where you can just do all the things that you like to do as much as you want, or at least that's what I think of heaven.

Maybe in the bible heaven is represented differently but i mean they never discuss it because it would be impossible it would be impossible to discuss hell is no way just a fiery inferno that you're you're chained up to like a rock and and suffering for the rest of eternity oh my god you know what it is it's got to be some bargain hunt forever yeah you know what it is? It's got to be some... It's bargain hunt forever. Yeah, that's what it is. Episode after episode. I'm sure I've talked about this before, but I think hell, if a hell exists,

it'll be your worst nightmare for eternity, right? So like think of the worst possible goddamn thing in your life that you would never want to have happen to you, happening to you 24 hours a day, seven days a week for the rest of eternity. The RTX Q&A panel. to you happening to you 24 hours a day seven days a week for the rest of eternity the rtx q a panel exactly oh my god all right well there you go that's the end of uh that's the end

of this podcast thank you for listening everyone we'll see you all next week