Triforce! - Triforce! #79: Teach Me How to Croggy

Episode Date: October 17, 2018

Triforce! Episode 78! Pyrion had a case of the Bad Dads, Sips visits the Princess Pavillion, Lewis has some supressed memories! Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Pickaxe. won't find anywhere else. Experience the excitement of the casino floor right on your phone. Download the app and play whatever, wherever, and whenever. Your options for fun are endless. On DraftKings Casino, your way is the only way to play. Join the fun on your time, in your space, and within your means. The best part is it's safe, secure, and reliable. So deposits and withdrawals happen when you're ready. Go all in on fun with DraftKings Casino. Head to the App Store to download.

Explore a full suite of games and find your favorites today. DraftKings Casino, the crown is yours. Gambling problem? Call Connex Ontario, 1-866-531-2600. 19 and over and physically present in Ontario. Eligibility restrictions apply. See casino.draftkings.com for details. Please play responsibly.

Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast, the top, one of the top rated podcasts. The top rated. Something. Listened to by literally dozens of people out there. It's insane. God. We know you all by name and sight.

That's right. That's right. Thanks, Jonah and Tony, Tim Tam. Yeah. Billy Muggins. Oh, with Becky's. Oh, my God. And we mostly know what you did last summer as well.

Yeah. You should be ashamed of yourself. Ugh, disgusting. Disgusting. What did he do? Play World of Warcraft? Yeah, all summer long. Disgusting.

Go outside once. Gross. That's pretty much how I spend my summers. How are you guys doing? What have you been doing this week? Any news? I have news. Oh, my God.

Okay. Hit us. This was the worst dadding I've ever done. The worst dadding I've ever done. That sounds like a writing prompt. Yeah. Dadageddon. I know.

But this is bad dadding of like colossal proportions. Well, okay. Well, it's actually, it's not that bad, but at the time, in the words of Morrissey, I can laugh about it now, but at the time it was terrible. So it was... So, ooh, I mean, this could be anything, right? Going through my head right now is like, was it bad dad reflexes? You know, did you like stop?

Did you accidentally let one of your children go face first into the ground? That's very close. That's very close. Did you forget that you tied your kid to a back of the car and then you drove hundreds of miles only to realize that she was running behind the car for her life. I mean, is it more like a kind of a bad dad kind of role model where you did something undadly? Oh, no, I do that all the time. I'm settled into the fact that in terms of being a role model, they better find someone else.

You know what I mean? Like their mother is a far better role model than I am. Like in in no way would i ever say to my kids when you grow up i want you to be just like me like i would never say that yeah so your mom's a better dad she's a better dad than you are yeah mrs f is is a far better role model but uh it's it's not the job of a parent necessarily to be a role model because i don't think kids will once they hit the teenage years you're the least cool thing ever they may end up being a lot like you but they they look up to you when they're younger but when when they're older they'll resent you until they get old enough to actually look up to you again but yeah I honestly yeah that's the thing yeah right teenage the teenage years they

they they try to rebel against you but then they usually usually when you become an adult you you look back and you think to your parents you think oh maybe a couple of things they did were okay ish somewhat i have a lot of respect for my mom for sure for for uh you know single parent family and everything like that like a lot of respect um and i know how tough that would have been that's gonna be tough and i mean you turned out terrible as awful but see that's you know it's shocking but yeah i know we know what you did last summer as well so this was on monday and i was picking up my youngest daughter from uh after school club and i picked her up on my bicycle and uh i gave her what is known as a croggy and some people

don't know this term it is a lift on a bicycle. Like, so you give another person a lift on your bicycle, generally on the crossbar or the handlebars or on the rear of the bike. But a cruggy, I think it's like a northern term, involves giving someone a lift on the bicycle. She fucking, she fell off, right? If she'd fallen off, that would have been good. Okay, what actually happened was,

She fell backwards. We started off. She's on the crossbar. We've done this crossbar we've done this before i've done this with both my kids it's never been a problem i thought this is a little risky but you know dads are meant to kind of take a few chances you fell off no she cycled off on her own that would have been awesome as well but no so i got her on the bike she's fine she's holding on everything's good i go to start the bike so i put my foot on the pedal i barely get

a quarter turn before she starts screaming, and the bike goes forward. Like, pitch is completely, you know, the back wheel comes completely up. Her foot had gone into the spokes and was now trapped in the forks of the bike, so her foot was holding the whole bicycle. So it went over. I, dad-like, heroic dad-like for a moment, threw myself in front of the bicycle so that I would

catch her and the bicycle, came down very hard on my knee and my wrist, but I caught her. She's screaming because her little foot is trapped in the fork of the bicycle wheel. I am immediately overcome with waves of unbelievable guilt and horror that I've hurt my child. She's extremely upset. And I thought, this was such a fucking stupid thing to do. I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself. So she says, I think it's, she's screaming that she thinks her foot is broken and we have to go to the hospital. I said, we're going to go to the hospital right now, love. Don't worry. So we get home. My eldest is there. She's playing on the computer. And I said, love, get your shoes on, get my car keys. We're going to go to the A&E department right now.

So we take my youngest there. She's still in a lot of pain. Have a look at her foot. It's quite badly bruised and it's got a cut on it. So she was very upset. We get there. I tell the receptionist after waiting 10 minutes to see the receptionist. I wait, see the receptionist and she says, what's happened? I describe the situation. She says, okay, take a seat. And I thought, geez, I thought they'd be like quick, get the crash cart and everything, get ready. This child may have broken her foot. Because all these other people sitting there with fucking runny noses and shit like that. And I thought, geez, come on. She's six.

She might have broken her foot. Let's see somebody. So I see a nurse after about 45 minutes, has a casual look and says, we'll get an x-ray. I was like, okay. So we go and sit down. We wait 20 minutes for the x-ray. We get the x-ray and then we come back

and we wait another two hours before I go up to the reception. I say, is anyone going to see her? It's eight o'clock at night at this point. She's only six. My wife has come home from work, taking my eldest back with her. So it's like eight o'clock. I said, look, she hasn't had any dinner yet. She's only six. It's eight. She's exhausted. What's going to happen? They said, well, there's 11 people in front of you. So you'll probably be here another two to three hours. I said, so you think she'll be here till 11 o'clock at night? And the thing is, A&E departments at nighttime, even on a Monday, are pretty scary places for a six-year-old.

There are crazy people coming in. There are drunk people coming in. There are people who are obviously drug addicts coming in. A guy came in, escorted by two police officers. He was in handcuffs because he was obviously taken from a jail cell straight here to be looked at. He was shouting stuff and saying, any good looking birds around birds around like that so he she was terrified of this guy so i was like i'm fucking taking her home this is ridiculous we'll come back tomorrow took her back in tomorrow there's like three people in the waiting room it's like perfect we'll be seen in no time three hours more go by just sitting there she's bored out of her mind she's worried her foot is broken she's terrified i was like it's all right love don't worry and at this point she's just getting angry. She's like me. Eventually,

she just gets this point where she's just furious. She's like, why aren't they seeing me? This is ridiculous. I was like, I know, love. You finally get an appointment with the nurse. It's a two minute appointment. She's fine. No breaks. Just give her some cow pollen. Get her to walk on the foot to get used to it again. I said, what took a total of six hours for that information? I said, you could have popped your head around and just said, Mr. Forsythe, you're fine to go. Your kid's foot's not broken. I would have said, no problem. We're left. They're like, well, a nurse had to look at the x-ray. I was like, six hours it's taken for this. Six hours. This is ridiculous. And we stormed out. My daughter was as angry as I was. So she kind of put some of the anger she should have against me

onto the hospital, which was a little unfair i guess because they're probably understaffed honestly monday night and tuesday night i could barely sleep i felt so bad hi uh nspcc yeah uh yeah no you honestly that was the first question they asked is is this child i got a hot one on a live podcast right now if you could so bad i felt so bad send the guys around he tried to do a croggy on a bike It's the legal maneuver It's in the five guidelines of what you shouldn't do With your children One is pour scalding hot water on them

Don't jug the kids and don't give them croggies Three, croggies are banned Four, tying your child to the back of the car Before you go on holiday You're in the waiting room And two policemen are escorting in a very burly man who's covered in tattoos and he has a shaved head and he's got a swastika tattooed on his forehead.

But you notice that his eyes are very red like he's been crying. And you turn over to the man and you say, what happened to you, little fella? He turns around and he says, got my foot stuck in the spokes of a bike. On the exercise bike yeah yeah in the prison yard and then some bloke judged me

do you know why I was in there I'm only in prison for the first place because I tried to give my daughter a croggy I didn't know it was illegal

I didn't know you could do hard time for giving your daughter a croggy a croggy so A croggy? So lesson one for any parents out there, don't fucking do it. It's stupidly dangerous and I should have seen it coming. Oh, we laugh, but man, that sounds bad.

I feel bad for your daughter. I hope she's okay. I feel bad for both of you. Well, I feel bad for her. I don't feel bad for me. I feel like a fucking idiot. No, I'm fucking, I'm really angry with you. I feel really bad for your daughter though.

But here's the thing, right? I've done that a few times. Croggy with your daughter? I've, no. I've had my foot stuck in the spokes a few times. Oh, okay. Over my life. When I was a kid, when I was,

and I did it once when I was fucking cycling around Jersey as well. Like, you know what I mean? I just, I just, I just awkwardly put my foot somewhere and, you know, and I really hurt my foot. But, you know, my instant thought when you told me about this was that I don't think it's broken. But then again, you can't risk it, can you? You can't risk it because... No, yeah.

But then again, I think in AoE, my stupid external input to something which I don't actually know the things of. But my feeling is that A&E prioritise things a bit like whoever's making the most noise, right? Whoever's causing the most fuss, right? If you keep asking, you know, every 10 minutes, or your daughter's bawling her eyes out, she would have been in and out of there in half an hour. What I would have done is give her a little poke. Yeah, I know, pinched her a bit, yeah.

Pinched her a bit, made her tear up a bit. I mean, I think it makes sense that it's a priority system, but if there's a lot of people there, obviously it's just going to take a while, right? Well, when you're there, it's triage. But here's my problem with the system, is that when you turn up,

and this is my whole issue with the way that this hospital in particular, I don't know if other hospitals do it this way, your first point of contact is basically a receptionist. And you turn up and they ask you to describe the problem. So here's the issue with that.

Regardless of, oh, I'm annoyed because I had to wait six hours. Regardless of that, if I turned up and said, and let's say I turned up with my daughter, this is going back to when I was about eight years old, just a bit less than that. I had appendicitis. My appendix was very close to bursting when we got to the hospital and they had to operate right away. And if it had gone on a bit longer, my appendix would have burst. bursting when we got to the hospital and they had to operate right

away and if it had gone on a bit longer my appendix would have burst who knows what would have happened a hundred years ago i wouldn't be here anymore but let's say i turned up with my daughter and i my mom was a nurse so she knew what had happened like she said it must be his appendix because he's like howling in pain when i poke him in the stomach she figured it out straight away let's say i turned up with my daughter, and I turned up and said she's got a stomach ache. The receptionist would say, okay, we'll get someone to see you. Have a seat. There's no triage there.

That's my triage in telling the receptionist what I think it is. She's got a tummy ache, which is the only information I would have to go on. She's not seeing a nurse. She's like screaming in pain. But I wasn't screaming in pain. I was only screaming in pain if you poked my stomach this is when i had appendicitis manly dad no when i was eight lewis but at the same time

they could have poked your stomach just to set you off and then it is jump the queue right but this is the thing is that's not triage that i had to wait 45 minutes for my daughter to see a nurse to look at her foot and decide if she needed an x-ray in 45 minutes my appendix would have burst so my point is your first point of call has to be a nurse has to be because they are the ones who can effectively say this is bad this isn't so bad this guy can wait till doomsday he's fine yeah i think again they weigh it up though i think they'll get you to they'll they'll get you into a nurse sooner if you know if it if it seems to be... But that's my problem. An emergency rather than somebody who's...

Who knows? I mean, you can't look at someone and know how sick they are. Because I'm looking around the accident and emergency room when we're waiting there. There was people there that were clearly not that ill. But here you go, right? But they could have been horribly ill. I think that you could tell, right?

Because people who are really sick, who are in a real problem real problem or are those 10 of people who are just assholes and they're just demanding and noisy which you want to get out anyway get rid of those guys get them sorted out get them out of your waiting room anyway because they're just going to upset everyone else in there you you i mean i'm sure that this is not a good system and i'm sure that the it needs to be done better right but but if you're stuck in that situation how do you get through it you know you've got people coming in with stab wounds with serious things with bursting appendices right and the people with you know the six-year-old girl who's not crying who's who's you know his his who looks quite happy but there was there was nothing

like that pushing her back down there was no one coming in bleeding there was no one coming in with anything like to the casual observer that looked serious. Well, but you don't know. You're not in the studio. Well, that's the thing. You're saying they're a receptionist, but you're... Hello, sir, what's wrong with you? If it's bad, why are they sitting waiting for an hour with me?

Like, the serious accidents go straight into the thingy. They're in A&E, right? At the end of the day, it's a little bit like a coffee shop. You go into a coffee shop. I went into a fucking Cafe Nero yesterday, and I was like, I can't fucking be arsed with this queue. You know, if you go into A&E and you're sat there for an hour, you think, oh, the thing is, your kid was well enough

to be taken home by you. Absolutely. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. But here's my problem. They solved that problem. My problem is that I had to wait six hours because there's obviously a staffing problem

in all NHS hospitals, which is at a crisis point. There's no way it should take six hours for this. None. But it's a psychological thing, though. Imagine the nurse had come to you and said, look, we're going to make you wait three hours, because this is probably not very important or nothing, and it might just solve itself on its own. Then I would say, great,

if it's not bad, let me go. It would take two minutes to look at the x-ray. Like, when they took it, I looked at it, and there were no breaks. Because what if it is something bad, and your kid dies, you know, when you take her home, you know, at the end of the day, the receptionist can't do that because what if it is something bad and your kid dies when you take her home at the end of the day the receptionist

can't tell you that can't make that decision she has to just sit there and do nothing but if they had even twice as many nurses it sucks

it's a really sucky situation but the problem is that what you find is that no one is in these rooms necessarily asking these problems and addressing these things

and everyone's situation is slightly different, right? And what you have is you have an overtaxed system where there's not enough nurses, not enough people. Right, but that's the thing. It's obvious. At even a casual glance, they don't have people. But they know it's okay.

The numbers are okay. There's someone at the top who says, well, this is how much money we've got. Therefore, we're doing this much with it. Therefore, this amount of people are dying, therefore that's okay. That's an acceptable amount of people dying. That's an acceptable amount of wait time. People know these statistics. They know the numbers.

We are happy with this system as it is, bizarrely. Or maybe some people aren't happy with it. People want to shut down the NHS and say, well, Flax isn't happy with it, so it needs to be changed. Yeah, let's change it. That's literally the end of the story. I mean, Sif makes a great point.

I had a terrible experience. Therefore, the entire system must be fucked. It's a very difficult one to put a call on, right? And there's a whole million buttload of factors in there. I tell you what, it's not a perfect system. But Flax, at least if you had seen somebody, you wouldn't have to pay any money to do it right i would have paid that's another problem i've got is that i would happily pay 250 quid to have not

waited six hours i would have been are there are there private ers though no that's what the first question i asked is can i please not have to take her to a nhs hospital because yes it's free and there were a lot of poor people there you You could just tell straight away, this is their only shot at any kind of healthcare and they can walk in and get it for free. Amazing, right? That's why we don't have people walking around like we do in a lot of countries in the world, just looking like their body is falling apart and no one is helping them. Fantastic. I love the idea of the NHS. I don't need to wait six hours and I will pay, but there seems to be no option for me to do that. the NHS. I don't need to wait six hours, and I will pay, but there seems to be no option for me to do that.

Now, what I don't want to do is go, but I don't want to go into the NHS and jump the line. It's not like a fucking funfair. You know what I mean? I don't want to buy the special ticket. I don't want there to be two queues at the NHS. The fast pass. The NHS fast pass. Right, exactly.

I don't want the fucking NHS fast pass, which would screw over a whole bunch of people. I would personally love it, but the idea of it, the morality of it is awful. Yeah, yeah, no. I get that. But the thing is, I would go to a private A&E. I would do that. Because I don't want to wait six hours. I'm not 100% sure if this is accurate, but I remember reading something at one point

about the French healthcare system. And they have... You get a free baguette on arrival and it's the best of wine and you live. I mean, that's, yeah, probably. I recommend a glass of fromage. And all the hospitals smell like really strong cheese, too. But, no, I remember reading this thing where they had... Instead of ambulances, we have bicycles. And our ambulance men wear white and blue jumpers.

And each one has a basket in the front stuffed with onions and baguettes. The smell of the onions keeps the people healthy as the ambulance croggies people to the hospital. Anyway, we're sponsored by France today as well. I hope we're fulfilling all of our obligations

for the sponsorship deal as well. France, thanks very much for giving us a whole bunch of money. Merci beaucoup. Merci beaucoup. So France, thanks very much for giving us a whole bunch of money. Merci beaucoup. But no, I think in France, there's a system or some sort of thing where basically they try to say to people, listen, if you can afford to go private, there's lots of options for private. And it's probably better for you if you can afford to do it as well. And you're freeing up space for people who really need it and can't afford to even think about going private sort of thing.

And I always thought that, like, at first I thought, oh, that's crazy. Like, they should not be promoting private. But at the same time, it makes sense, right? be promoting private. But at the same time, it makes sense, right? Like, if you can afford to do it, and you don't want to wait, and you want maybe, you know, a better service or whatever, you should you should try to go private. And it frees up the the the fee lists or, or the the pay list system for for people who really can't afford to be private. I think it's I also think you need a penalty system for people that turn up with shit that their fucking gp can deal with i think they should say what's the problem and if it's something that you was worthy of coming to a and e for

there's no charge if you're wasting our fucking time 100 pounds we want 100 pounds for the fact that your kid came in with a fucking sniffle and a temperature give them some cowpaw and then you'll go back to america where people don't take their kids because they don't want to pay 100 pounds and so as a result the kids die no we took my my daughter in when she was really small we took her into um into the emergency room because she was like wheezing a lot while she was breathing but like at first we were just like oh she's got like you know she's got like a like a cold and it's on her chest or whatever. But then we thought she's really fucking small and we don't want to take any chances.

So we took her in and there was there were a bunch of people there and stuff. And we were like, all right, you know, like we're waiting and stuff. And then they had to like phone in. There wasn't even anybody there that could really deal with it. They had to phone in like a like a child doctor who had to then come in. Hi, I'm your doctor. I'll be looking after you today. Yeah, it was all of a twist.

Yeah, he's retrained. But no, so this guy had to come in and then he looked at her and everything. And it turned out that she had like, it was called bronchiolitis, I think. And it was, and it's quite, you know, it's not super common in babies, but they can get it. But that's a baby. She needed to be admitted to the hospital and everything.

It was fucking crazy. But I'm fully supportive of people taking babies. I called the ambulance. My daughter was having febrile convulsions when she was a few months old. That's when they get a fever so bad that their body literally they have convulsions she went she was it was horrible it was absolutely terrifying i'd forgotten about it because my mind had decided this is such a fucking horrible memory i'm gonna block it out and mrs f reminded me about it when

i said you know my eldest has been to hospital three times once with the the febrile convulsions once when she was at playgroup and she fell over and split her chin open to the meat. And the third time when she fell over at playgroup and cracked her head on a stone and they had to superglue her scalp back together. She's a bit of an A&E. She's been there. She's a veteran. My youngest, this is the first thing that's ever fucking gone wrong with her.

Touch wood. She's never had shit like this. She's super unaccustomed. Your eldest is like an MMA fighter. Yeah, she literally is fucking UFC at this point. But my youngest is just like you know she's she's pretty cool she's sturdy she doesn't take risks this was my stupid risk when i met her though she had a cold i think and she did look like a zombie she was she did she used to get colds but now now they they haven't been sick in ages really i mean the kids at this age get sick they have a fever for a

day they're fine the next day like that's's pretty much it. They're not well- Yeah, you have green stick bones as well and stuff, which are like bounce back and stuff a little bit. Yeah, they're pretty bouncy. So yeah. But I mean, that's different. I mean, panicking about your baby, I completely fucking get that dude. Like 100% if you're not sure- I don't know shit about babies. Take them to, they can't tell you anything anything they give you no feedback and they react in very different ways as as you get older your body understands how to deal with this shit when you're younger your body's just like we

don't know what's happening so we're just gonna freak out and shut down and vibrate and stuff it's like holy yeah I mean I think I I the thing is I understand that people would take their their kids especially to an A and e if something was up right like we've had to call out this kid had a cut on his elbow a cut on his elbow he's just holding a tissue against a cut on his elbow another kid comes in obviously a sprained ankle that's not a and e that's not a and e i know i'm sorry your kid has a runny nose i know but that's not criticizing having to speak to a receptionist with no medical experience, but you have no medical experience either.

You can't diagnose these people. I'm also a reasonable person. I can't look inside my daughter's foot. What if they have deeper problems and that's why they're there? What if you see a stuffy nose, but actually behind the scenes there's something way worse afoot? What? Like AIDS. A foot in their nose?

Maybe. It's like maybe it's like lodged right up there. Maybe it's like a really tiny foot that's lodged right up there. Like a rubber foot. I just think people take the piss because it's free. And what I'm saying is there was a lot of shit there that I know that I would not bother going to AIDS. Don't get me wrong. There's a degree of that for sure.

But I think they can filter it out. I think they're pretty good at filtering it out the reason partly it's so horrible is to try and filter the fucking that shit out right if you make it a horrible experience you're gonna be like oh shit i better be more careful i'm not gonna fucking you know not gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna you know now your daughter's had a double lesson right not only was there the physical lesson of pain don't trust daddy but now don't trust it also no it's more like a fucking hospital was useless she hated it

it's like I hurt myself and I hurt myself mentally by having to go through this ordeal and sitting in this boring fucking miserable place

for hours well you say that I actually when we were heading home in the car I said to her I said love this is why I tell you

to hold on when you're going down the stairs. Because I know that if you fell down the stairs, we'd have to end up here. And she said, I never want to come back here ever. It's the most boring thing ever. I was like, I know, love. Wow. Imagine having to wait for 15 hours in there.

She was like, oh. Holy fuck. Take her to the auto shop while your car is getting fixed. Wait, Sips, you wait there? You wait there while they're fixing your car? I've had to wait there before. I think one time I went with my dad. I was pretty young and I

remember being so fucking bored. I was angry. I was so bored. I think I did the same. My dad takes me to this auto shop. It's like all these repressed memories. It's like febrile convulsions. I don't think we, I don't think it was a case of waiting. I think the car had been in the shop for like three days

and they said, come pick it up on Thursday. So we went on Thursday to pick it up. I think we had to take the bus and everything, like it was stupid because it was like, you know, downtown, we were in the suburbs. So we're in this auto shop and my dad's like, yeah, I'm here to pick up the 1985 Toyota Tercel license plate, blah, blah, blah. And the guy's like, all right, yeah, just take a seat. We'll get like the guy who worked on it out here to, you know, whatever, hand it over or have a word with you. Hey, Mickey, that guy with the fucked up cars here. Yeah, yeah, no.

And we were there for like five hours it was fucking crazy i remember my dad getting like increasingly annoyed and like going up and asking what was going on and being told to wait longer because something or other and like oh shit it was the worst i mean this is a this i know we always say this but this is in a time where there wasn't like phones, cell phones, tablets. There was fucking nothing to do in there. And those places are the worst. Their solution for potentially a kid waiting in there is a really old dusty gumball machine. And that was it.

Or like sometimes you had the double, like the chiclet and then the jelly bean machine. But like this one just had a had a really old like 1950s gumball machine and now now the solution seems to be that little table with the wires and you have to move the shapes along the wires have you seen this oh yeah yeah yeah i'd be amazed my my nine-year-old has played with that shit for like an hour and i was like love are you not bored she was like this is amazing i was like she loved oh fuck i wouldn't mind nowadays though like if i had my phone i would just fucking read some reddit or whatever like five hours no problem i don't give a shit it was bad

it was it was bad because i didn't know how long i was waiting that's what annoys me if they said to me it's going to be a three-hour wait i would have been like oh i mean the thing is here's the better system they take your phone number everyone's got a phone these days. You don't have to sit in a fucking waiting room. They call you. You're five minutes to your appointment. Can you come back? Yeah, no problem. If you're not back in five minutes,

we're giving the appointment to someone else. I'm on my way. And there's a cafe and you can fucking sit there. There's a park right there. You can go outside. Why not that? Instead of sitting in this room with all these fucking sick, ill, weird people,

this guy comes in. He's dressed head to toe in like tight black lycra he's obviously just been working out he stinks looks like he's come straight from the gym yeah he sits down i think nothing i think maybe he's he's overextending one of his uh trimesopep muscles and you know he's pulled it right pulled it there when i was lifting 500 kilos mate yeah gotta see a doctor about it something like that sits down i think he's a normal bloke he suddenly out of nowhere turns to me and says can you believe that and I was like huh and I'm thinking what and he says did you hear that he goes kids eat metal sometimes they don't know why they just eat metal they end up with a stomach full of metal and then he turns away and he goes yeah it's like a compulsion so they do in their sleep they walk

around in their sleep eating metal and my daughter looks at me like why is this guy talking to us and what the fuck is he saying this is yeah that's crazy but he was just talking at me for like five minutes about how children eat metal and little bits of metal leaving around that you can't leave metal around the house the kids will eat it there goes the name for i can't remember the word he just started lecturing me about kids eating metal and then he just turns back and just starts staring into space again and i'm like okay so he's crazy like i had no idea this guy was crazy just decided to start talking to me he's like two two feet away from me and i'm here with my six-year-old and i'm thinking please don't let any more crazy people come in then these two women come in obviously drug addicts they've got that washed out look they're both wearing those shell suit track suits that only drug addicts or

drug dealers seem to wear yeah like like missing teeth and like big rings under their eyes and stuff they're like looking at everyone and you kind of think they look like the kids in class and we go like they're just waiting i guess for their methadone or to tell the doctor i'm still a drug addict and they'd be like yeah that sucks can you make me not a drug addict anymore not really you'll have to sort that out yourself okay i'll imagine they go up to the counter and they're like oh yeah sorry uh suzy i i can't do the uh the late shift tonight so you're gonna have to cancel all the brain surgeries uh yeah no i've i i just realized i i've got something else that i have to do drugs so see you later but i was just like get me out of here like if we could just wait somewhere else just give me a call people do not it's people do not like waiting for anything

but one thing that i noticed uh is that people will act really crazy to avoid uh waiting as well when we were at disney in in the summer uh we got into the park early one morning we had like a pass where we got into the park like an hour before it opened it was like some special deal or whatever so we thought it's called the early bird pass so we're like fuck holy shit great like there's gonna be no one there we're probably gonna be like you know there's gonna be like a skeleton crew in there who the hell is gonna be in there an hour early sort of thing. So we went, we got up super early, went over, got in. And of course, it's fucking packed.

It's just like as packed as it normally is sort of thing. I guess everybody gets an early bird pass. So we're like, all right, fine. You know, it's busy, but we're here early. And like, who knows, maybe like if we're lucky, we can get, you know, to the front of a ride queue and not have to wait for like an hour or whatever. So, so we go into the park and then at various points in the park, there, there was like these little blockades because I, I guess they start cleaning it really early in the morning because it's open till 11 o'clock at night. They do like the illumination show and stuff. So there's

probably garbage, like sitting on the ground all night in disneyland which they can't have you know it needs to be like this pristine thing so i think they start super early in the morning like cleaning up the park and if it's not quite ready for like the early birds or whatever they just block off parts parts of the park so there's a couple people standing there um you know stopping people from going so we we've started we talking here hey how early is this like eight o'clock yeah it was like eight in the There's a couple of people standing there, you know, stopping people from going. So we started. How early are we talking here? Hey?

How early is this? Like eight o'clock? Yeah, it was like eight in the morning. Yeah. I think it was like, or it might have been nine, actually. I think the park opens at like 10. So it could have been nine o'clock. So anyway, we're heading over to the Princess Pavilion.

My daughter wanted to meet a princess. And the way that this thing works is you queue up and you don't know what princess you're going to see because, you know, there's like a whole bunch of different princesses and whichever one is on shift at the time. So it's not like a strip club where they all line up and you pick the one with the biggest tits? Sadly, no. But, so anyway.

Could you imagine? It was like either going to be Cinderella or Snow White or, well, you know, one of the disney princesses right you have this baby yeah go for cinderella she's got a rack up get the dollar so we get to this like this blockade and we're like fuck i hope all these people aren't going to the princess pavilion because like i sent a memo out early in the morning saying that that's where we're going so like people better step off like i don't want it i don't want to i don't want any trouble at the princess is my turn bitch my daughter just wants to see a princess and i want to get the fuck out of there as quickly as possible

you know i don't want to be hanging around the princess pavilion so we're standing around with all these people and we're thinking they're probably going to go to us it's a small world or whatever and then we sort of start hearing like some mumblings and whispers like about the princess pavilion. And then it's slowly dawns on us, holy shit, all of these people want to go to this princess pavilion for some reason, like what the fuck every time we gone by, there's like a massive wait time in the queue or whatever. So so then it starts to make sense like holy fuck, all these people have turned up early so that they can go to the princess pavilion and you can see them their body language is like i'm sprinting as soon as i'm allowed to and these are adults and some of them had people like kids with them babies one woman was pushing a family member in a wheelchair and all of these people are like poised like it you know as soon as as soon as they

fucking let us go i'm going for it because there's no way i'm queuing for the princess pavilion all day long so at that point we're just like fuck it you know what if these people are just going to be like this let them do it how long can the queue possibly be so the guy lets everybody through he's like all right everybody come on through welcome to disneyland blah blah blah, blah. And then, oh, my God, I've never seen anything like it. Like really like older than me, people who are fatter than me running like crazy. And I don't know where they got the energy and how they were shifting the mass or whatever, but they were really fucking running. It was crazy.

Pushing wheelchairs. It was like something out of like the great race like there was fucking a hot air balloon over top with a guy with a monocle screaming at us and everything oh it was not herbie the love bug goes zoom and pose yeah yeah no the music was playing and so all these people are running so we just start strolling we're like all right whatever fuck these people are running um and then we're coming around the corner we see the princess pavilion and fucking all of them are running into the Princess Pavilion. So we're like, okay, well, fuck. It's still not as bad as normal time in the park.

It's probably not going to be like a super long line. So we finally get to the Princess Pavilion. We stand in line. And this line is just going fucking nowhere, okay? And you can see at the front of the line all these people that ran. They're all like panting and sweating but like happy as well. They're like relieved that they got a really good place of the line all these people that ran they're all like panting and sweating but like happy as well they're like relieved that they got a really good place in the line i'm just like fuck all these people like this is fucking stupid so the people so the the person that runs the

princess pavilion is walking through the line and they're like okay at this point the wait time is 45 minutes at this point the wait time is 65 minutes. At this point, the wait time is 65 minutes. And then they get to the back where we are. At this point, the wait time is 120 minutes. Oh, my God. For fuck's sake. Get more princesses. Like, what the fuck?

120 minutes? With all these fat, sweaty people that just ran for the first time in their lives. And now they're all happy because at the front of the, fuck me. So we didn't get to go see the princess pavilion at all. And my daughter was like a little, well, she's small enough to not be super devastated by this.

Cause she didn't really know like what it was in the first place, but holy shit. My, my recommendation to you is that if you, if you do, if you do want to see the princess pavilion at disney undergo a rigorous year-long uh training exercise and training regime before you go so that you're in tip-top shape get an early bird pass and then run like a motherfucker if you want

to see this because that that line is like that all day long it's like 120 minutes for you actually fuck if you get hold of a bike you can give your daughter a kruggy oh yeah right over there yeah yeah shit and just like um you should have thought about that i know they need to invent a bike wheel that has no spokes is this possible like with the with the materials available bicycles there are spokeless bicycles yes so that maybe that's the answer flax maybe you get that get that so that you can carry on a proud tradition of Kruggies. Yeah. It's Kroggy.

Sorry. Kronkies. Do you think it's again like one of those same situations as PFLAX in the fucking hospital, right? And it's the queue. They know what it's like, right? They want to keep it exclusive. They want to keep it this exciting thing. But also those people who,

maybe those people do have older daughters who are more problems to deal with. And if they don't go to the Princess Pavilion, then it ruins their parents. Oh, yeah, probably. But, you know, everybody thinks, I think everybody has that little bit of them that feels entitled, right? And even me, like a small part of me thought, like, why the fuck do I have to wait in a line? Like, just let me see the princess and let me move on with my life. Like, this is what my family wants to do. So make it happen. There's always that moment where you look around at the other people waiting

and you automatically think i deserve this more than these fuck yeah yeah and and it is so um irrational but yeah it's hugely irrational but it but it but it happens it's it's it's really incredible how the the human mind works sometimes right i felt like i was suffering more yeah i don't i don't think i'm an overly entitled person either but there are moments where i'm stuck in a line where i feel really fucking entitled yeah overwhelmingly so sometimes so let me tell you why i think i i deserve to get through quicker i was clearly suffering more in that waiting room than everybody else i was i was visibly disturbed by everything i saw everybody else just seemed to be staring into space

And they weren't looking at their clocks They weren't looking at their phones They weren't checking with reception that they were next Nothing There's this guy next to me He's got a little girl She must have been about three And to entertain her, he gave her his phone

Yeah Every parent in there is giving their phone to their kid Here, play this, watch this, whatever All the other parents are saying, turn it down, love. Like I'm saying, turn it down. There's other people in this wait room. They don't want to hear what you're watching. Okay.

This guy lets his kid watch his phone at maximum fucking volume. Oh, they're the worst. She is, because she's like two and a half, three years old, she's watching the same fucking video over and over and over again. It's sadly not. No, like at that age it's like it's like bing and postman pat let me tell you what it was it was i don't know who the fuck makes these it was a super janky cgi awful thing of the wheels on the bus yeah no they're all made in india there's

like seriously there's a studio filled with You know what I think they do It's like all those simulator games That come out of Germany I think that there's an animation program At a school in India And all of them end up doing Wheels on the bus It was un-fucking-believable

And then they all make it onto YouTube And one of those videos gets more views Than I've ever had as a channel Entirely in seven years. It's a kid. It's literally little kids just pressing go again. Yep. Let's see that again.

Yeah. One more fucking time. I know people will think I'm exaggerating, but I am not. For one hour, she watched the same video over and over and over again at the loudest volume that this dude's phone would go to. Now, I'm looking at him and I'm like a half an hour of me in a turmoil i'm thinking this dad is just like me like he's sick to death of being here just wants his kid to be happy doesn't know maybe he doesn't know what's wrong with her like i'm trying to empathize with this guy as much as i can and think he just she's happy so he's like whatever it takes to keep her happy no problem but another

part of me wants to grab him by the fucking throat and say can you see the 40 other people in here that are sick of knowing that the wheels on the bus go around and around around and around shut up oh my god that's the other part of me sometimes people like just don't fucking know how annoying they are. The way I like to do stuff is kind of really passive-aggressive stuff. So, for example, every time that song starts up again, No. No.

I will just start singing along to it. Wheels on the bus go round and round. Just make eye contact with him the whole fucking time. Wheels on the bus go round and round. Just making eye contact with him the whole fucking time. Wheels on the bus go round and round. You're singing it back to him. Just making eye contact. Just until he fucking is like, oh yeah, maybe this is a bit loud. No, he, I mean, I would have had to say, I was trying to phrase, I thought, how can I

phrase this that gets across the fact that I've had enough, but at the same time, I'm cool. So I don't want to say like turn that shit down which is what i want to say it's like it's a type though right a guy who has his kid on his phone at full blast let me guess let me guess he had a black sweater but then he had like shell suit bottoms right no he didn't with the buttons on the side and like kind of open so like the bottoms of the were flapping around a bit no big white pair of rebox slick back hair kind of scruffy uh kept coming in and out of the out of the waiting room because

he was going out for smoke and maybe a gold chain as well is this the guy right because that is the guy that lets their kids listen to the phone at maximum volume that is the guy but this was not that guy this was another guy doing an impression i guess of that guy right but uh but the thing is his daughter's watch the vote he keeps getting interrupted because he keeps getting phone calls presumably from his wife saying please god tell me that uh everything's okay and he just keeps yeah yeah i'll let you know i'll let you know we're still waiting we're still waiting and she's like daddy he's like yeah yeah hold on a sec sweetie then he's getting whatsapp messages from someone he has to answer that then he gets a text message so the phone keeps going and he grabs it and

checks his message and gives it back is he doing that thing where he has like no finesse holding the phone oh he just holds it at a really awkward angle far away from his face and is like mashing the phone with one finger here's another thing he was one of these people everyone watching this or listening to this will know you've seen people like this i pray to god none of you none of our beloved listeners at home are these people turn the fucking keystroke noises off on your fucking phone oh yeah i do not want to hear when they're writing a text message shut the fuck up what are you doing who do you think you are i mean your phone can just be put on silent full stop right just put it on vibrates so it vibrates in your pants so you know what's going on just You just don't get it. Who are these people?

They just leave the keystroke noises on. They're just incredibly obnoxious people. They exist all the time. And the thing is, they have no clue that they're being obnoxious until someone tells them. And you can't tell them because they'll look at you like you've literally called them hitmen.

Yeah, they'll be like, how dare you? I like hearing the little book for book noises. Yeah, it's like their world has just been shattered somehow. They just realized. The only way I found to deal with them is just to out-annoy them. See, this is it, Lewis.

This is not good. That they realize how annoying they are. I think you're just adding to the problem because you know what? If I was in a waiting room and there was a really annoying guy and a phone in there and then some fucking jumped up asshole

with a turtleneck started mocking him as well, that would make me even more angry. I be i'd be making i would i would be able to fucking boil a glass of water next to me i'd be so angry i would then think maybe i'm wrong maybe because this guy's acting like an arsehole this guy's acting like an arsehole maybe i'm the arsehole for not acting like an arsehole you know what this is normal now in that situation that would be better in that situation i would side with the guy with the noisy phone i would say like well fuck this guy is clearly like you know a bit behind the times with his loud ass phone and keystroke noises

on and stuff this is gonna lead to like a big fucking brawl in a and e and even if it did that would be the perfect place for one because everyone will be able to get treated in three and a half fucking hours i don't want to be there for 20 hours because my kids, but I busted my kid's foot and then I got in a fight and a guy broke my nose. Like, I don't want to spend that time.

Like, can you imagine you go to city reception, take a seat, you go straight back up? Yeah, there's another one here. It's me. I just broke my nose because I had a fight with a guy who wouldn't turn the fucking keystroke noises off

on his phone. I don't know. You should take a look at him as well. He's really funny. It's like an episode of Seinfeld. The whole episode takes place in the ER room. See, but I like that show. I like that show because he is the guy who would say,

can you turn that off, please? And they would say, no, I like it. He's like, it's very annoying for the other people. But he does it in a way, in a very Lewis-y way, that makes you also hate him. That's right. He does it in a way that you don't want to do it. Because sometimes in a very lewis-y way that makes you also hate him that's right he does it in a way where you don't want to do it sometimes he's very reasonable and the person he's dealing with is

completely unreasonable but then other times it's the it's it's a total flip and he is just completely unreasonable and the person he's dealing with he doesn't realize that he yeah yeah completely but usually it's because he's asked politely and then he asks incredibly rudely yeah as if that's as if the polite ask gave him the justification to be well i asked politely and then he asks incredibly rudely yeah as if that's as if the polite ask gave him the justification to be well i asked politely once you didn't do anything so now i'm calling you okay so listen i got jumped in a queue one time at the emergency the only time i've ever been to the emergency room other than i lie i went to the emergency room one time as a kid i fell off my bike i was really young i fell off my bike they're dangerous things i wasn't getting a scroggy or whatever it was i was riding my bike on my own and i fell off like a scrotal like rash that's

when you get your nuts caught in the spokes of the bike yeah well i mean no it wasn't my balls luckily it was uh was my head. I fell down on my head. I was pretty small, and I think my parents were worried, so I had to go. I don't remember. I was really, really small. You were a child. You had to go to a child doctor.

James was like, hi there. Hello, Chris. Yeah, you've had a scroggy. I prescribe one piece of chocolate every day. One sugar cube. And make sure you watch the wheels go on the bus round and round a thousand times. And you can have one thimble full of rainbow cherry juice as well to wash it all down. So the other time I went to the emergency room was because I was having, at the time, I didn't know what the fuck it was.

I thought I was dying because I was having a heart attack. But it turns out it was my gallbladder, which had to be removed. thought i was dying because i was having a heart attack but turns out it was my gallbladder which had to be removed i had this genetic condition which meant that there was a lot of crystallization inside my gallbladder so i had to get it removed but sounds like a cave in world of warcraft yes the crystal gallbladder leading up to this okay i i would just get what initially felt like trapped gas okay and you know how some how uncomfortable yeah trapped gas, okay, and you know how uncomfortable trapped gas can be, right? Yeah, it's like just a sort of pain. So it would start as like trapped gas and trapped wind.

You know, like when you just can't fart and you can feel it's like. It's like period pain. Your farts are stuck inside you. Not as bad. Is that what that is? Yeah. So listen, it would start like that. It would just be this like really sort of dull ache in my back.

And I'd be like, oh, fuck. I don't feel that great or whatever. So I'd go to bed. And then I'd wake up with this terrible fucking heartburn. And what felt like really bad trapped wind. And so I would get out of bed and I'd lay on the floor thinking like, oh, you know, if I lay flat or something, it will shift it or whatever. And then I'm laying on the floor with my ass pointing in the air thinking like, geez, I just got a fart so bad. Like, why is this trapped and stuff?

And then the pain would just get worse and worse and worse. And then I'd start barfing. Okay. Like, I guess the pain was so bad that my body just decided, yeah, well, we're just going to barf now and see if we can sort this out. So I'm fucking barfing and stuff. I don't actually feel sick at all. It's not like flu barfing, you know. It's just like this really gross, dry, heaving, like bile barfing and stuff.

Nice. So I'm just like, oh, fuck, you know, there's something like not right here, clearly. And where I used to live was like two doors down from the emergency room so i was like well fuck it it's three o'clock in the morning i'll just go to the emergency room and see what's up you know like i'm not just gonna lay here on my back barfing like all night for no reason sort of thing so i go into the emergency room there's even at three o'clock in the morning there was like 10 people in there um like flax described there's a guy there's a dad there who gave his daughter a cruggy and is still there's a dad there who gave his daughter a

cruggy and is still there 11 hours later yeah and then he had a broken nose too so i so i go to the receptionist with the bus on his phone at max volume it sounded like i think it i think it was made in india or something it looked like animation studio out of india possibly so i go i go up to the receptionist and I say, listen, I've got this really fucking sore stomach and it's like I've been sick and everything. I don't feel sick, but I've been sick. And she's like, all right, well, take

a seat and there's a bit of a queue, but we'll get to you as long as you're okay to sit. And I was like, yeah, I should be fine or whatever. So then I feel this overwhelming urge to barf in the ER. So there's a toilet. So I ran over there. I didn't have time to close the door. Like I just had to like start heaving over the toilet sort of thing. So the door's open. Everybody in the room is like, oh, fuck, this guy's like just barfing or whatever. And then the woman came

out and gave me this really strong cardboard tray thing that I could hold that i could barf into i thought it was just gonna get all soggy and leak through but this stuff is like pretty good like there's no leakage whatsoever anti-barf box because i barfed in it a couple times like an indian um and then and then they were like hey yeah okay yeah come through like you're you're fine you can come through now it was like instant i just jumped the queue like 10 people and then they checked to see if i was having a heart attack and they checked like all of this stuff. And there I was barfing still and stuff. It was crazy.

But yeah, it turned out in the end, it was just my gallbladder that needed to be removed. Just the major thing that we had to have surgery to remove. But yeah, so the one other time that I went to the emergency room, I got fast-tracked just because I was barfing. So Flax, next time you give your daughter a Kruggy and she gets stuck, just barf in the waiting room. You guys get right through. No problem.

Make her barf. She was sick a little bit last night. Kids are funny. They're a bit like dogs in a way in that they'll just randomly vomit for no discernible reason. So she's singing The Greatest Showman. She loves The Greatest Showman.

She's singing a song for The Greatest Showman and she just goes a little bit of a little bit of sick comes out and she was like I was like are you okay

she was like yeah I just sort of sang too much and was a bit sick I was like you know gotta respect the commitment to the performance there

that she she's so sexy you don't see it like X Factor, do you? You don't see it. Like a big gorgeous woman in a nightgown busting out some opera. Then afterwards, she gets that cardboard box.

They've just got them stacked up by the side of the stage, these cardboard boxes, because they've sung too much. I love how... I guess it's kind of like the same thing as the guy in the tracksuit with the really loud mobile phone. He has certain characteristics that are that of a child, right?

Because kids just don't give a fuck, right? Like I bet after your kid barfed, she was just like, oh, whatever, I barfed. Yeah, she was perfectly cool with it. Similarly, he doesn't give a fuck either. He's got his phone on super loud and he's just like, whatever, I don't give a shit. Exactly. My daughter the other day was, we have like this in our house the living room connects to the kitchen which connects to a hallway which connects back to the living room so it's like a loop so like so the kids oftentimes run through the kitchen

around into the hallway through the living room back through the kitchen and they they do like this circuit so my son was at school and my daughter was like marching around listening to some kids music or whatever and i was just sitting in the living room and every once in a while she'd walk by and then she walks she comes walking by and she's so she's marching it was like marching band music and she was farting to like the steps like actually farting and i could just see this massive bulge like where her ass is because she'd like shit her pants as well so she's marching big shit in her pants farting and stuff just didn't give a fuck yeah she was just like whatever there's shit in my pants i'm farting i don't give a crap somebody else's problem it's like marching continues like it's a it's their

day-to-days they shit themselves right it's amazing day to days they shit themselves it's amazing this is standard shit just pooping myself no big deal oh my god fucking hell oh man

there they go I think that's enough for today holy shit we got to poop in the end we definitely got to poop we did we didn't talk about

dicks that much this time it happens it happens sometimes we talked about getting your scrotum caught in a bicycle wheel fair amount of yeah

yeah there was there was some scrot talk. You're right. Thank you, guys. That was a lovely podcast. I enjoyed it. Yes, me too. That was a great one.

Thanks so much. See you next week. See you later. Bye, everybody. Bye, everybody. Bye.