Triforce! - Triforce! #8: Femurs and Funerals [Team DD Archive]

Episode Date: May 11, 2016

We couldn't record a Triforce this week, so here's a wonderful archive podcast from the Team Double Dragon Vault. Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. This week, it's an archive show because Sips is busy doing babysitting or something like that. And P-Flax is taking his car to the mechanic or something like that and pflax is taking his car from canic or something like that i am here on my own so this is actually an archive podcast i know you guys love these um it's me and sips chatting on team double dragon for the next hour i hope you enjoy it and have a good time We're back. So I read an internet article that said the average keyboard

has like 10 times as much like fecal matter on it than the average toilet seat. That is really gross. Because no one ever cleans their keyboard. And they don't wash their hands i guess do you ever get that thing on your keyboard where you get like a horseshoe shape of like dried up pringles dust sort of like what the fuck congealed are you talking about well i'm just saying i mean sometimes i don't clean my keyboard either and maybe sometimes i don't wipe my hands after I eat so

you get what kind of horseshoe shape though what are you talking about you know like your finger on the key it's like you know when you put your finger on the key it's like it's like the it's like the outside of like the tip of your finger so it like sort of makes a like what around the up arrow yeah yeah sure around the up arrow yeah you know what i'm saying what the fuck no you never had that fuck i'm a filthy asshole well my key i mean to be fair my keyboard is pretty clean right now i've like started cleaning it more but at one point at like a really low point in my life i'm pretty sure that there was like a congealed horseshoe of like

pringles and cheetos dust on possibly the two key which was my flash heel key it was yesterday back in the day yeah no it was yesterday for sure yeah oh my god just so everyone knows i i'm not um as gross we are not as gross as we make out in fact we're pretty no i don't want to say we are any kind of ocd because we're not right no way i'm pretty gross that's an actual thing that a lot of people a lot of people like oh i'm all ocd about this when they're clearly not no i mean it is seriously debilitating in your life about it being anal is is not having ocd ocd will cripple aspects of your life uh and yeah and potentially ruin parts of your life because it's it's a compulsive disorder and reading a reddit article that says keyboards have

shit on them more than your toilet seat making you want to clean your keyboard once that doesn't make you ocd okay that's fairly normal um so yeah so i i do try and clean stuff that i think is a think it's a bit gross i'm one of these people who won't like touch the um handle of the of like toilet stools and stuff if i could avoid it do you just use like a bit of do you carry like wipes with you for that or do you just use toilet paper because arguably there's a lot of shit on the thing that holds the toilet paper in public toilets and not only that maybe on the toilet paper itself like i don't know how many people have been in there waving their dick and their ass around i get a couple of sheets of loo roll and use that to like lock the door or like unlock yes i mean i think you should consider actually carrying around some antibacterial

wipes that sounds like a good idea. You are a dad, right? So you now have to have a handkerchief in your pocket in case a child gets a nosebleed or something gets spilled and you have to wipe it up. Handkerchiefs are so useful. My dad would save the day every day. We have a suitcase that we take everywhere with us that has every possible thing a child could ever need at any given talking about because that's what you do when you have kids it's not like a fucking defibrillator what's in there it's not a suitcase it's like a big fucking bag

that has like diapers in it uh wipes bottles like fucking soothers like everything it has everything in it so no i'm not gonna put a fucking handkerchief in my pocket i'm just gonna put it in the bag with all the other shit that we carry around tough shit you're gonna have to no you're gonna have to at some point you're it's gonna tick over i'm not gonna do it and you're gonna tick over and you're gonna think you know what i need today a handkerchief and then do you know what i'm gonna buy you a pack of handkerchiefs when i come over next and you're gonna say actually lewis god damn do you know what i'm gonna buy you a pack of handkerchiefs when i come over next and you're gonna say actually lewis god damn do you know what i've been using that handkerchief

you gave me every day it was so useful yeah you're gonna get my initials embroidered on that as well uh yeah what are they i'm not telling you i don't want that okay they're not too bad i just i just wanted i didn't want to if i couldn't get them for Frank Underwood, for example. Frank Underwood, yeah. Yeah, get me a handkerchief with Frank Underwood's initials embroidered into it. That would be nice. That would be really good. And as a joke, when you come over, you're like,

all right, come on, Sips, let's see the handkerchief. I pull it out, and there's just a big shit stain on it. There you go. That's what you got when you wiped your keyboard down i wiped my keyboard and i wiped a big log of shit off my keyboard anyway listen we're gonna come back next time you never know we're gonna talk about something a little bit nicer than congealed cheeto residue on my keyboard and shit and wiping my handkerchief okay is multi-purpose it is it is like the wipes before there were wipes you know my dad always had a handkerchief it was always there for emergencies you know there was always some emergency you could put

it tight over your head like a hat you know you could um you know use it for all sorts of things that i can't think of now but he found ways it's a dad to handkerchief thing we're not going to talk about it anymore well we try and we try and bring you these cultured discussions here on team double dreck dibble dream girls whatever we are but team donnie darko so we try we tried to bring you some culture discussion about books and good books bad books reading books i advise you check out some books they're good they're good for you yeah made a paper get some paper ones they're fun get one on your kindle but we ended up talking about poop and hank yeah we did yeah but there's a lot of poop in your life at the

moment sips because the baby well it's true actually there is a lot of poop in my life not like bad poop it's like you know baby poop isn't that bad actually it's like pretty buttery and like doesn't really smell like poop um it gets everywhere though but i guess there's not too much is there's a lot of it is like sand it just gets everywhere or is it um no it's like when you have a diaper sometimes that diaper just isn't enough to hold the torrent of matter that escapes one's butt so you imagine like how can I best explain this? Imagine you yourself are wearing a diaper. I don't really want to hear this, but carry on, fine. Okay, you've taken the time to delicately compose this.

I'll listen to you. I'll hear you out. Okay, fine. So there you are wearing a diaper, okay? Now let's imagine that this diaper is made out of rubber. See-through rubber is very tight fitting okay you can barely like squeeze it on to yourself this is a normal weekend for me carry on yeah and you you just do like the biggest diarrhea you've ever done in your life while those are on

okay there's not a lot of wiggle room straight through the rubber no no okay so this is the thing no hole is being punched anywhere okay okay so and this thing is really tight right like there's not a lot of like wiggle room for you so is it like blowing up like a balloon like like swell swelling up and no because i mean your life isn't isn't a cartoon contrary to belief. So it's not blowing up like a balloon, no. What's happening is the shit just shoots upwards, out the back of your rubber underpants, all up your back and onto your shirt and everything else as well. That's how babies shit.

Okay, right. And that's why nobody likes it when a baby takes a shit especially when you're out in public and babies and children just have this like sense they have like this sixth sense for doing stuff at the most inconvenient times okay like you're at a funeral it's at like the really really sad part where like, you know, they start playing like the Barry Manilow. They're like, oh, Sheila loved Manilow. And then, you know, it's not unusual. You know, it starts playing and everybody's fucking crying and everything. And you're just sitting there going like, shit, do not shit your pants right now. No. And you

look over and your baby is making that face that you know that the shit is coming out and you're just like oh no no not during man alone that's what you make that's the same noise you make when you take a shit as well strangely well yeah i know but that's a relief in this case not much of a relief actually actually. If anything, you're just like... But on the other hand, if you didn't really like Sheila that much, or you're not a fan of Barry Manilow being blared across a church, because it's modern day now. Back in the day, you used to go to a church service for a funeral,

and they'd play hymns and stuff. No, now they play like el divo and like you know like popular songs because people like those songs nowadays like when they pass away so it's like it's kind of weird it's kind of awkward sometimes so maybe you don't like the artists that they're playing across the church and your baby's done shit in their pants kind of like a free pass to get out of there you know what what do you what do what did you what did people do before like wet wipes and nappies oh god i think they used like reusable diapers like cloth ones oh and they boiled them up which yeah they boiled them up and i mean if you're like really like ecocentric or whatever, I think people still do that.

Oh, okay. I mean, I like the environment as much as the next guy, but fuck having like a hamper filled with like shitty cloth in my house. Like no fucking way. You gotta draw the line somewhere. Jesus. you gotta draw the line somewhere jesus i like the environment as much as the next guy but that environment isn't shitting all in my house that's right i like the environment as long as it's not shitting in my house pretty much that's a good way to think about anyway do you have we have to talk about books now lewis we we we were going to talk about books right

no do you know what we could talk about you know you talked a little bit about a funeral there i i don't know i'm not a dad okay um i'm not do you wish you were a dad sometimes sometimes you listen to my tales of being a dad and you think man you know being a dad would be pretty fun and it cements my desire not to be a dad. No. It's fun to just, like, see other people's kids once or twice a year. And then you're like, yeah, you know, that's enough for me. I'm glad I don't have to deal with this.

I'm glad I never have to yell at my own children. Do you? Oh, my gosh. I just, I mean, I'm just a little bit sort of surprised by the whole bath of shit thing, really. But we'll go away from that. It's just, I guess I would just have kind of. It's just like having your own tub girl. A water spray.

And I just like, you know, like one of those things that you spray flowers with. Like a little like... Yeah, I just spray that all over. I just like... Like you do to a dog when it's bad? Get out of here. Stop shitting. Stop shitting all the time.

You can't do that to kids. Because like somebody will come over and take your kids away if you do that who well like the authoritar how are they gonna know well because somebody always tells them but who i don't know okay they've got this i'm still trying to figure it out government spies anyway i'm not suggesting you spray your children in the face to stop them pooping i was just you kind of used it as a kind of clean up like you know you hold them up like and your wife holds them up, and you just... It's almost like a shower for a baby, right? You know what you really need?

You need the scene from 12 Monkeys where those guys are power washing Bruce Willis. That's what you need. That's the ideal, I think. That'll get them really clean. That's the safest way to clean your kids, I think. A little bit controversial at the same time. And I think probably you could get taken to court. Today we have a man and a woman accused of power washing their children.

Industrial grade power washers. Babies are very fragile in in many ways aren't they but also they're sort of quite um they're kind of fairly well they're sort of supposed to be fairly durable like babies do get dropped i'm sure i was dropped a few times as a baby and i don't know whether you've dropped your children from no like i'm pretty sure never. I mean, you actually go out of your way to make sure you don't drop them. Even though people sort of say, like, you know, they're like, Jello, it's okay. That's typical of a baby dropper to say that, to try to justify their past dropping infringements. No, I've never dropped a child.

I don't intend i ever dropping a child okay because that's pretty bad to do actually i'm glad i'm glad we're getting this stuff out here the other thing i read which i'm not sure is true okay would be say for example uh you bring your kids now i don't know how old this affects this works on but i think maybe when they're younger it'll work okay is if you go to for example funeral and everyone is all like mega sad and like bursting into tears yeah like really upset you know straight up straight away you know what's coming next that fucking sheila loved manolo so much yeah we got to bust some out. Jesus Christ.

Oh, God. Man, I feel so jaded. But like, I don't know. Like, I feel like funerals are too tacky nowadays. For a long time, I thought Barry Manilow was black. Wow. Man. I mean, he virtually is is now he's so tanned like it's crazy but uh sorry so you're at a funeral right and imagine it was barry manlo's funeral and so instead everyone was having a great time and a good fun time that would be what the kid

would feel because you were having funerals don't they it's like it's a celebration of life you know don't be sad you know just because sheila got ran over by a train let's celebrate her life like still can't get over the whole train part you know sheila getting dismembered under under a train it's it's kind of upsetting but they you know i guess like there's a lot of business behind funerals now too right like funeral homes and oh they're a big racket though as well they're one of these horrible things they're on this list of things that are kind of quite i want to say scammy you know yeah like how much did you love sheila do you think you want to go with like the all-inclusive mahogany coffin? Or you just want like a cardboard box with packing tape around it?

How much did you love her really? It's like kind of mean, isn't it? Yeah, it is. So we just go with the, we'll just write her name in a sharpie. Well, you know, we did a whip round and not a lot of people really donated so yeah i think we're gonna go for the cardboard box uh we got our own packing tape though so we don't need any of that jesus we got some old wrapping paper we can use it's pretty fucking grim isn't it it is so whoa i've saw i guess what i was sort of

trying to say was that babies and children will sort of follow the mood of their their their parents that's right yeah they pick up on your mood so if if something kind of i think it's hard to sometimes hide your mood too you know if you're upset it's going to be very hard to hide that but at the same time you can yeah um with prozac it's yeah well you can't i don't know i don't know what i'm talking about fucking no me neither yeah i mean funerals are a racket but also weddings are a big racket yeah weddings are a bit of they are incredible it's a price sink oh you're expected to do all these bizarre things to do from the from the place to the amount of people you invite from the dress to the dj yeah it is an absolute you went to well you've been to a couple recently

haven't you i've been in the past like two three years you've been to a couple yeah i'm i'm not a fan do you have any fun stories from those like did you accidentally have sex with the bride or anything like that you know uh oh no i can't say uh even if i had i think how do you feel about weddings and marriage in a modern society well honestly when it's your own it's different because it's like you know you do it because you do it for yourself to make things official and stuff but you do it because you've got family and stuff as well right it's a celebration people want to like take part in that but i think that a lot of the shit that happens at weddings and the things that are expected of

people that they have to do and stuff like that nowadays not only is it really fucking expensive and it's like a billion dollar industry uh so there's a lot of like pressure you know like consumer pressure for you to partake in all this fucking bullshit um it's yeah i i don't i don't agree with that side of it i mean i think if you're putting together a little sort of party for like your family and your loved ones to get together and celebrate something that's nice or whatever that's pretty cool but you know like if you're getting like a fucking hummer limo with like neons on the bottom and your wife has been crying for two weeks about her wedding dress and all that kind of shit it's like well i don't know maybe those parts of it aren't like the best i think

although having said that a hummer limo is pretty fucking sweet a wedding and marriage are different things i think that a wedding expensive wedding and by extension marriage is a little bit like a new year's resolution to go to the gym or paying for a gym membership so in order to to be faithful or to be a lot of people might treat it as a thing where they say okay i'm gonna make this cost i'm gonna make this payment i'm gonna take this this this i've sunk enough costs you know we're gonna we're gonna go and we're gonna book a honeymoon we're gonna pay for all this stuff and then that's it i'm that's that's gonna cost me so much that i'm never gonna be unfaithful again i'm kind of gonna

do you know what i mean i think there's there's still a certain stigma attached to stuff and you know you'll you'll you'll you know the two of you will go somewhere with a kid and everyone will assume you're married it's and if that if you're not then people will start thinking that's a bit weird you know it's still kind of it's not a religious thing you know you didn't marry for any kind of religious reasons why did you get married you know oh because we're both religious and um it was like the next step no i'm just joking well no we got married well i mean partly i think if we if we both grew up in the same country we wouldn't have gotten married um as young as we did sort of thing because i mean i lived in canada and my wife lived over here and really the next

step if we you know if we wanted to actually marry together and not have to get visas and shit like that you know getting married was like green card sips of course you did no there's no green cards over here like i still have a canadian passport it's like a you know it's like dual citizenship sort of thing so yeah shit is um yeah i have trouble saying that as well yeah no so do i but uh it's not like um you know it's just it's just like uh it's it's not the only reason you do it but it is definitely you know if you're not from the same country it's something that you sort of have to think about at some point um especially you know if you if you don't want to have to like continually go back to your country of origin for stretches of time only to then just come back and

stuff like that like it's it's kind of annoying like we had to do it for a while and it was like pretty annoying so well i don't know i mean i didn't realize that it was a uh a visa thing after all you know i i knew you were a big fan of of the uk and i knew i love visa i mean i hate mastercard so i was thrilled thrilled to get no but a visa but i don't i don't know it's it's difficult because i think marriage is is classically this this kind of religious thing and yeah much like a lot of things in in our society like christmas you know i think a lot of the time the religious stuff has kind of been stripped out but we like what they represent um and we like we're happy most people are happy to continue what did jesus not want me to just get a ton of nintendo games for christmas

is that not was that not the jesus loves you very. You've been a very good boy this year. I decree every girl and boy across the land shall receive Nintendo games on this day. Delicately wrapped and placed under the fireplace by an imaginary man. What do people get these days instead of Nintendo games? I guess they just get PlayStation games. PlayStation 4 games. They just get Call of Duty andstation 4 games they just get like call of duty and stuff like that don't they that's sad that's sad it's monday we had a weekend

i was in the club all weekend i was busting a move like pretty hard like i usually do and um yeah then i just broke my femur. And well, the rest is history. There was no base drop for me on this weekend because that's what happened. Breaking your femur is no mean feat, Sips. It's the biggest bone in the human body. Did you hear that?

I know. I busted it hard, though. It might not be. It's certainly a... I mean, there's a bigger bone in my body than that but it's the longest bone in the body and the strongest and the girthiest as well i don't think it's the biggest technically but it's the strongest and the longest and the girthiest it's really good it is tough to break your femur because my brother broke his and it was very very bad he broke it when he had a car

crash so you you have to you have to be pretty yeah you have to be pretty it's pretty tough to break it it's pretty bad when you break it as well because it's uh yeah it's uh you don't have like a backup you know like when you um when you lose the kidney you got a backup right yeah it's better you know there's there's definitely parts of your body where there's no backup you know once you've once you've lost it that's it you're done there is another femur in your other leg though is there yeah you got two legs sips oh yeah of course you do yeah what about people that have only one though Which do you think the femur was? Did you think it was like the ass bone or something?

I never really thought about it, actually. It's the big upper leg bone. My knowledge of a femur comes from role-play games. Because you always find one, don't you? Yeah, the dinosaur femur. You always find one in a treasure chest. It's that classic bone that you see a caveman using as a club right it's got that knobbly bit on the end that goes into your

hip yeah and so they like fashion it into a club well i mean i never actually thought about it beyond that though that's and that's the truth it's sure it's the bit between your knee and it's connected to your hips yeah it's big big old bone big old boner why isn't it in the song though you know like i don't know where you think it was to the this bone and that bone's connected to the femur like it that's not in the song so it's like a simpsons version no but there probably is a song of that, like a realistic version of that song. The bone song? Maybe. What's that called?

Maybe. What's the bone song called? The bone song. Dem bones. I think it actually is just... Is it dem bones? Yeah. Dem bones.

Dem bones. Dem bones. Dem... I don't know. Is that... That's not a thing, though. Is it dem bones? It can't

Say it ain't so Which where does the dead bones start with well this what does dead bones start the song with which bone? I? Think it starts like it's like a musical start No, no, it's like there's no lyrics to start with it goes like boo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo goes like... No, wait a sec. That's not even... That's not it. That's a different song altogether. Man, for some reason, I don't know why, but...

Do you ever remember being scared of the Muppets when you were smaller? Do you think there's like a stage in your life that you get to that's a bit awkward where you're scared of the muppets and you sort of have to overcome that fear before you can fully embrace and enjoy the muppets i think but when you don't know anything you are suddenly you i think when you're very young when i was very young i was scared by strange stuff that maybe you'd think well why would kids be scared by that but i think it's a little bit like that uncanny valley you know you know what the uncanny valley is no i don't know what that is is that is that something like twilight um and when i say is that something like twilight i mean it in the sense that twilight is something i've heard about many times but i've never actually seen before

and i have no intention of seeing either because i know what it is sort of thing and i feel like maybe uncanny valley is a little bit like fuck. Well, there's a lot to take in there. But basically, Uncanny Valley is this. It's basically a thing that theorizes. It's the reason why we're scared of things like zombies. Oh, it's not a TV show. Like zombies. Oh, it's not a TV show.

Basically, we are encoded to have a revulsion when it comes to dead bodies. Okay? Genetically. We are supposed to be... I mean, I don't have that. Does that mean there's something wrong with me? Because actually, I get sexually aroused by them. Is that... Well, that means probably that there's something wrong with you yeah but basically

there's kind of this this graph okay um of uh human likeness versus how much we like them and and it kind of it slowly goes up towards um so stuff something that looks human-like and then animals and then like humans. Wait, there's a chart of which bodies you prefer to see dead? No. Is that what you're trying to tell me? Things like your response to them, your familiarity and attraction to them. So, for example, you can tell even though like a corpse is very very close to a live human you're you can tell the human like our genetics make us have this automatic response towards them um it's kind of this weird thing but

basically it's the reason why sort of these um these these non-human dolls sometimes can look extremely creepy um oh yeah because they're in this uncanny valley region where they're they're clearly not a human to us but because they're just slightly different we see them in the same sort of creepy vein i mean when you said uncanny valley i i immediately thought is that a computer game or like a tv like it sounds like the name of a computer game or it sounds like a crappy american tv show yeah it does yeah that's why i sort of mentioned twilight because i mean that's kind of a crappy american tv show too isn't it from what i know of it what do you know about twilight but what do you know it's like uh it's like a teen vampire drama yeah it's like dawson's creek with vampires it's like one tree hill with vampires instead of just

kind of normal 35 year olds pretending to be 16 year olds as they do in the american 35 year olds pretending to be 16 year olds as they do in the american teen dramas i think i think the way i think of it i think the audience was like 40 years old right for fuck's sake the audience overlapped with the audience for 50 shades of gray right on no shut up i think it did i think i think 50 shades of gray was more like mine and your mom that was the audience i think twilight is kind of like older women is it yeah i like vampires i like sexy vampires i mean true blood it's like emotional porn It's like emotional porn. It's kind of like... It's kind of...

She is like this open, empty shell character, the main character in Twilight. And women are supposed to put themselves... No. Women are supposed to put themselves in her shoes. But she's a funny one because she falls in love with both the most, you know know most attractive

sparkly vampire but also yeah a really buff bad boy too yeah and it's so she she's double dipping in the love department yeah that's kind of i think to some extent the appeal everybody secretly wants to double dip i yeah i guess so everyone wants her you know and uh it's i mean do you think that you when you watched it did you want her to well it's not it's not necessarily about her she's's an empty shell, right? But it's kind of like, I think of it as one of these Japanese dating video games, right? Where you're just a sort of empty character and you can date the mysterious and aloof, sparkly vampire. Yeah. And you can also go and date someone else. And, oh, but they're all troubled.

And, oh, they've got things but but you can but but what kind of things though like is it like oh damn my abilities damn damn vampire tendencies popularity and radiant good looks it's really difficult yeah i don't know talking about talking about twilight when neither of us really have read it. No, I mean, it's one of these things that I've never seen before. And it's kind of old now too, isn't it? Is it like Twilight? Yeah, well, when the film came out in 2008 or whatever, I remember. Yeah, 2008.

That sounds about right. That's old already. I remember loads of dads kind of accidentally being tricked into going to it saying oh it's a vampire movie then they thought it was going to be like blade or something you know and all their daughters would take them to see to see twilight i feel like i have to be careful about this stuff because i would go see blade like I saw Blade in the theaters and Blade 2, and I thought that was awesome. But, like, I wouldn't want to see a vampire romance in the theaters, especially with, like, my kids. That would be awkward as shit.

Like, I need to be careful. I need to be careful about the kind of things that my kids are going to drag me to in the future. That my kids are going to drag me to in the future. Especially like my daughter. Because you know. I don't want to end up going to like. Twilight 10 the movie or whatever. When she's old enough to go see that kind of stuff.

Hopefully she's just not into that sort of stuff. You know. Hopefully she's just into. I don't know. Ghostbusters. You know. All the stuff my son's into pretty much. That'd be great.

Yeah. Well. I mean. The thing thing is like you are with them a good proportion of the day but you can't control really the other people they meet especially at school families other friends other people that affect their life and and all who you know i'm sure that you and me have the same in that our lives were not influenced very much by our parents. It just happens that there's all sorts of influences on you. And some of them stick, some of them don't. Our brains are very elastic and our desires and things change and are influenced based on the people we meet. And we meet a lot of people.

True. And also the books you read the things you see blah blah the opposite of course is when you when you get something like um there's a documentary called the wolf pack about this family of um i think it's seven kids who were basically confined in their apartment they sort of they they weren't allowed out and they were homeschooled in there oh that shit is crazy they learned about the world basically through watching movies um and so they're just kind of a bit bit mad i mean i've learned a lot of the world by playing video games so So like, you know, and I'm fine. There's nothing wrong with me.

So I think, you know, more power to them. More power to them. So there's this thing which I thought was really interesting. Do you remember the Bone Wars? Did you ever hear about the Bone Wars? Bone Wars? It's the thing I heard about on the old QIL's podcast, which I'm a big fan of.

Oh, yeah, you're a big fan of all that stuff, yeah. But why do you listen to that stuff? Apparently, like, it's just as bad as we are. Like, they're completely wrong. Turns out every episode is just a lot of the stuff they say is bollocks. Every episode is just nonsense, yeah. But, yeah, so the Bone Wars was really interesting because there were these two guys, Edward Drinker Cope, okay, of the Academy of Natural Sciences in Philadelphia,

and Othniel Charles Marsh of the Peabody Museum of Natural History at Yale. I love the word Peabody. Sorry, this guy's last name is Drinker Coke? Drinker Cope, yeah. Drinker cope yeah drinker cope not coke oh sorry i thought you said drinker coke i was like i immediately i thought i thought you were going to tell some sort of stupid dad joke or something no so eddie we'll call him eddie eddie drinker coke and eddie drink charlie marsh because his first first name off neil i can't believe that his first name is that anyway they were both searching for fossils okay in nebraska colorado

wyoming in all these rich bone beds okay bone beds that sounds like a good thing uh and each of them used underhanded methods to try to out-compete each other in the field okay so they were bribing thieving destroying each other's bones doing cocaine i don't know maybe they were like grinding up dinosaur bones and sniffing them yeah who knows oh what they were doing that sounds crazy um but they were they were doing. That sounds crazy. Why would you do that? They were basically, they hated each other. They were these bitter rivals, okay? Right. And they raced to publish new dinosaurs, okay?

But they were all kind of Frankenstein's monsters, you know, because they didn't really know what they were doing. And a lot of them were fake. So what they would do is they would just get any old bones out of the ground that were jumbled together and shove them all back together to try and build, like, you know, it would be like Lego, you know. I feel like at the best of times that's what, you know, dinosaur bones are.

Because how do they know? Like, it's crazy. How do they know where the bits go? Like, if I found a bunch of bones in the ground, I would never be able to piece them together i mean bearing in mind i'm not actually trained in this field whatsoever but still clearly you're not trained the fact is if you look for example if you google gorilla skeleton versus human skeleton you'll see there's like an enormous amount of similarity there you know almost

you know 90 i think 99 of our genetic structure is shared or more like 99.7 so right you know the fact is that we are very very very similar to uh the great apes and it's reflected in the skeleton if you look at sometimes these skeletons it's sometimes hard to even tell the difference but certainly in certain parts so um what you have is an idea of what bones do what based on their size so the femur is obviously a weight-bearing it's always back to the femur i think we need to i think we need to pronounce it properly too because like if you just say femur it doesn't do it a lot of justice i think we have to call it the femur this very but surely that has to have an e on the end never mind we're not going to get into grammatical

discussions about this stuff too we've got enough qil's ever um cover like grammaticals and stuff or not really i'd like to i don't think it's one of their main things but but certainly if it's interesting then i think they probably have i'm sure steven fry loves it so anything grammatical they can get in there probably he just has a hard-on instantly for uh nice i do like steven fry though so actually he's left qi now it's now sandy toxfig gonna be presenting it from now on and gary drinker coke or whatever his name is gary drinker coke he's the um he's busy doing the bone wars dinosaur boy he's boning it up so yeah like polishing bones have a lot of the they published 142 new dinosaurs or something combined but like almost all of them only 30 or 32 of them are actually valid because

the rest of them are just just just made up you know they they put like three dinosaurs worth of bones together and make this horrific monster chuck away all the extra skulls they got left over you know and um you know this is because they were so busy trying to have like a competition rather than actually taking science seriously. And that's a lesson to everybody. If you're in the field of science, don't have a competition. Stay true to the ideals of science. Well, I think one of the ones which was very much... Sorry, I was ignoring you because I was just trying to find this out.

What did you just say? I wasn't even paying attention to, I was ignoring you because I was just trying to find this out. What did you just say? I wasn't even paying attention to what I was saying. Stay true to the ideals of... What are you saying? A velociraptor. That is definitely real, yes. You can ask that one. A Tyrannosaurus Rex.

That is a real dinosaur, yes. An Ankylosaurus. An Ankylosaurus. Ankylosaurus. I mean, that's the one with the... With the big ball at the end of his tail. Yeah, I think that one is real. Okay. What about Astegosaurus?

Sure, that's definitely real. That's got those big plates. Okay, you're getting the good ones. What about a Brontosaurus? Now, that one is not real. That is one getting the good ones. What about a brontosaurus? Now, that one is not real. That is one of the bullshit ones. Now, that is one which was found by Charles Marsh and was initially bollocks. Because it was too big.

It didn't make sense. He'd done it wrong. he'd done it wrong but i think that very recently they came back and did a version of it which was probably all right um okay well they just did like a revision of the brontosaurus yeah it got kind of version two of it or whatever it got revised but apparently it wasn't because the it when i was read about this first like a few years back, it was all this big controversy. But now I think they've settled on it actually being not as bad. What about a pterodactyl? I think that's a real one again.

I think the pterodactyl is a good example of one of the dinosaurs which survived the apocalypse. Or didn't necessarily but but basically modern birds it flew into space oh man that's how it that's how it avoided that's how it avoided all of the catastrophe that was happening on the planet it just flew into space just chilled up there for a bit it's like yeah no problem came back down when everything was fine and uh to this day of course you can hear the terrifying screech of the pterodactyl in our skies just go outside there you'll hear it

the ocean is very very big and yes very unexplored but the areas of the ocean are unexplored are very very deep and therefore they're very very dark no light can get down to these areas of the ocean which limits the amount of life you need a submersible but the what's the deepest like a human-made submersible could go because there's a lot of pressure obviously the deeper you go um and i think that the deepest that you can go is like 20 feet or something before shit starts to really hit the fan well i think you have to ask james cameron about that you know yeah he knows he knows. He loves to go. Because he, of course, discovered the wreck of the Titanic. That's right.

And that was, well, the Titanic, like, the wreck of the Titanic is pretty deep, though, right? Like, they even had some trouble getting to that. Again, I don't think he discovered it. I think he went and looked around it. Did he? Because he liked it. I don't know if he even did that, you know. I think he probably did, didn't he?

No, he fucking didn't. James Cameron. James Cameron went famously as was like a submarine explorer. Shut up. He was. He wishes. He fucking wishes. He fucking was.

I wasn't even joking. You're joking, right? I'm not joking. Well, it's a funny joke anyway because i mean james cameron this is the same guy that made angel the tv series angel right yeah no way that he's been in a submarine before okay he fucking went to like the bottom of the atlantic he had some dumb ass fucking project that he had. And he was in it. Okay. I think we can agree that he has worked on a couple of dumbass projects before.

But he's not been to the bottom of the sea. There's no fucking way. Hang on. Deep sea dives. Okay. On March the 7th, 2012. Shut up. The challenger took the camera and took the deep sea challenger to the bottom of the New Britain Trench in a five mile deep solo dive.

He went five miles down. I take it all back. That's how fucking deep it is. So he spent more than three hours exploring the ocean floor, which we'll return to surface. He's the first person to come to a trip solo. There were unmanned dives, blah, blah, blah.

He made a 3D film during his trip. He collected new... Oh, yeah. He discovered a new species of sea cucumber squid worm giant single celled amoeba which are exciting due to the harshness of the environment so they go so basically he fucking wins it's it's so deep down there that only two there's only two ways to survive obviously first thing it's very very high pressure um you know the way number one be james cameron and way number two discover a new uh breed of sea cucumber no if you were under this on that

deep in the ocean okay there's only two ways to survive one is to have energy sources dropping down from above so like like things die or like a fish is eating some food, but it drops it and it sinks. So some scavengers can survive in the dark by eating the detritus that has dropped down into the dark. The other way to survive in the dark at the bottom of there is with some sort of either artificial light source or artificial energy source in some

way so for example there are some hydrothermal vents in the sea a little bit like um hot springs on land pumping out heat and and usually things like sulfur um and some sulfur-based life forms have been found i think they're called extremophiles so these kind of things that could live in extreme conditions so it's unlikely you think cameron found one of these things and that's how he was successful he found a vent and he just like you know hovered above it or whatever and it's like hey fuck you nature i've Done it. Cameron wins. For a start, I think he's a vegan, right? And second, he obviously did it after Titanic.

So he wouldn't be able to do this ridiculous thing without the money that he made from this stuff. From Titanic, yeah. So yeah, he's an expert on deep sea exploration stuff. I think because he did the abyss trim but that was his original that's ruined my whole day he's had some really good movies actually it's true um that's ruined my whole day though because i wanted him to just be good at making a couple of movies and not do other things like i had him pigeonholed big time as just like uh cameron stay in your box all right just stick to the movies. Stick to what you're good at, all right?

We don't want any more deep-sea diving or fucking spacewalks or whatever is next for you. Just can it, okay? He made a film in 1981 called Piranha 2, The Spawning. Can you believe it? And then they were like like this is so good we're gonna have you do a direct terminator to judge terminator and terminate two judgment day terminator two judgment day i'll tell you what because he also directed uh aliens which was the second alien movie which

was arguably the best in the trilogy so cameron has this ability to come in mid-trilogy and make a good movie. How does he do it? He's a unique man. He did direct the first Terminator, by the way. Did he do the first one too? Yeah, he did. I thought he just came in out of nowhere. He wrote it as well. Who's this fucking little Jimmy here?

Little Jimmy Cameron out of nowhere. This fucking blockbuster movie. Guns N' R roses on the soundtrack who are you doing an impression of there i don't sound like some movie guy i guess i don't know movie guy stock movie guy i'm in charge of movies here anyway i got a bombshell to drop on you. What about Team Destiny's Dialed instead of Child? We can make a theme song around that, actually. Destiny's what? Yeah, remember that Destiny's Child song?

We'd have to be Destiny's Dialed, though, because it's the only way for the DD to fit. Destiny's Dialed? You mean like dialing the phone? Sure. People don't really dial anymore. It could be like a tribute band to Destiny's Child, but check it out, okay? Remember that song? Sure. People don't really dial anymore. So like, for instance, this garage I'm sitting in, I bought it. These games I'm playing, I bought them.

Do you got any others? This pizza I'm eating, I bought it. You know, it's just like, you know, you want to make sure that everybody knows that. This tea that I'm drinking, I made it. I guess I did make it. Oh yeah, you could actually mix it up yeah this tea i'm brewing i made it this garage i'm sitting in i bought it i cleaned it i cleaned it no it's not very clean though this is the thing it's really comfy though man how is

it a mess already ultimate man cave well actually i did clean it up a little bit but then it got messy again it's just the way that it goes like i need somebody to come in and clean it on the regular but i don't really have anyone that can do it so you know that may be something to think about for the future you know it's a little little job opening excited maybe it's something you'd like to do bring your bubble over hook up with some hot single mums and clean my garage okay on the regular i'll bring the um the shampoo the floor shampoo yeah shampoo so we talked a little bit about all sorts of stuff recently don't tell me you remember the movie gremlins no okay yeah well i watched it at

christmas like when i was a kid i think and do you know who directed that movie uh it was joe you're gonna be say no you're gonna be fucking surprised at who actually directed the movie gremlins because i didn't realize i watched it yesterday it. It's Joe Dante. It's not Joe Dante. Close, though. It is none other than Stefan Spielbergo. The one and only. Gremlins, motherfucker.

Can you believe it? Not according to Wikipedia. Yeah, what does Wikipedia know? All right, I saw it with my own eyes. Steven Spielberg presents gremlins oh he presents it that's like saying that's like having the fucking a ghost written it's like saying our jordan's autobiography you know you say this you say all this but we both know that steven spielberg isn't just to sit idly by and present something without getting into that director's chair and doing the magic. Without getting a good wad of cash.

Without doing a good amount of direction. He's going to get in there. He's going to be like, listen, Joe DiMaggio, I know that this is your film, but I'm Steven Spielberg, world-renowned director. And I think that I have a thing or two that I could offer to the production of this movie. Why don't you just step aside a minute? Let me sit down and let me do this for a second. And the guy was just like, well, Steven, I think the thing is, is Gremlins is, of course, a period piece that I really want to make sure we, you know, we really embrace the values of the Gremlin society. And Steven's like, Joe, shut the fuck up a minute, OK?

Let me sit down in this director's chair. And that's when the magic happened. I don't know exactly what it is that happened, because like a professional chef, Steven Spielberg does that thing with his hand where he hides from your vision what he's actually doing okay because it's secret it's like a trick of the trade drugs and um and then he he pulled it out of the bag or his ass and um and there's the story of gremlins well it became so popular so big because steven spielberg knows how to direct a movie and joe piscopone or whatever his name was the guy you mentioned that you thought did it right doesn't well and that and steven recognized that early on and that's what made it such a big hit okay just got rid of the

other guy here's the here's the deal the story wasn't originally intended to be filmed at all until spielberg took an interest in turning it into a film. He bought it and then hired Joe Dante as the director because of his previous experience with horror comedy. Okay. Spielberg has a cameo in the film as a man riding a recumbent bicycle. That's one of those bicycles that has like a lean. I don't remember seeing him in it, actually. Okay.

Um, blah, blah, blah. Apparently, uh, instead of Stripe, instead of Stripe being a mogwai who becomes a gremlin, there was originally no mogwai named Stripe. Rather, Gizmo was supposed to turn into Stripe the gremlin. However, Spielberg wanted to keep Gizmo cute. Um, and won him. Remember how awful it was when they would go in the water? Remember they went in the swimming pool

and they started turning into the bad ones? And it was like, oh my God. That was amazing, wasn't it? No, it wasn't. It was petrifying. Did you watch it with your kid? No. Oh, okay.

He was in and out of the room sort of thing, but not fully watching it. And then we stopped watching it when it started to get really intense. Because, you know, I don't want him to get scared. It was a horror comedy, definitely. It was definitely a spookier film, I remember, as a kid. It was one of the spookiest, yeah. Yeah, I didn't like it.

Yeah, but I remember, you know, we were watching it. And it was like fucking spielberg i can't believe it what has this guy not done show me a movie that spielberg hasn't had a hand in like this guy seriously his contribution to film over the past like 100 years has been crazy just go easy sips what go easy i know you're a fan well god might as well i just want to show my respect to you know arguably the biggest talent in the biz do you want to know something else about four billion yeah dollars i'm not surprised you know why why listen this is crazy okay george lucas when he was making star wars in the first place they were doing the you know they were putting

it together and it was scheduled for release and at the same time spielberg was worse was working on um close encounters of the third kind yeah so lucas and spielberg are like pretty good friends and um you know they'd happen by each other's sets i'm already taking this story with a pinch of salt as if it's no no you can look it up as if you look it up on wikipedia or whatever an old sipsy classic i'm just making up a double head no no it's not no no this is this is this is 100 true okay okay so so star wars is just like wrapping up and they've shown it to like the executives at 20th century fox or whatever and you know they showed them the version where

they didn't have the special effects in so they had like um you know a shopping cart for the millennium falcon and stuff and all this like old world war ii plane footage like for the dog fighting scenes and stuff right and spielberg is at this and everybody was like george i don't know like are you on crack or something this looks pretty bad you know what have we paid for here star wars gonna be pretty dumb and mr pepsi was like yeah yeah mr pepsi george gary coke drinker or like george you're fucking crazy man and anyway spielberg says to george luke he's like fuck this is gonna be huge by the way george luke is like no i don't think so and uh you know they're at the set of close encounters of the third kind and george

lucas is like no i think this is gonna like kill star wars at the box office and steven spielberg is like no way george like start this is gonna be humongous trust me so he's like all right well fine you know i'm i'm about to release this movie. It's going to flop. I'm probably going to lose everything because I've poured, like, all of my heart and soul and finances into it. He's like, why don't you give me, like, 2% of Close Encounters of the Third Kind so that I have some sort of insurance, you know, after it all goes wrong or whatever. so that I have some sort of insurance, you know, after it all goes wrong or whatever. And in return, I'll give you 2% of Star Wars because I know that it's just going to be like terrible or whatever.

So Steven Spielberg's like, yeah, okay, fine. That sounds like a good deal to me. And so George Lucas is like, okay, great. Well, at least, you know, I know that Steven Spielberg's movie is going to be amazing and stuff's going to do really well. So at least I'll have some money after like this all goes fucking down the crapper. So Star Wars releases. George Lucas is on vacation in Hawaii with his wife at the time.

Totally forgot that it was even being released that night because he was so disappointed and thought it was just going to be a train wreck or whatever. And then they start watching the news and everybody's like losing their shit about Star Wars and stuff and going crazy. And it's become this big phenomenon and everything. And it was actually released to like 35 theaters originally, but they had to re-release it later on because it was so popular. So they re-released it again and it made millions and stuff. And to this day, Steven Spielberg still owns 2% of Star Wars.

I don't believe it. I tell you it's true oh my god it might be more than two percent even i seem to remember two percent but it could be more so there you go let's see spielberg actually has he owns some star wars and disney's acquisition of Star Wars only covered digital distribution as well. So like some of the other movies or whatever. So like still like physical sales of Star Wars and stuff. I think Lucas or Spielberg or a couple of other people may still profit from. Oh my God, you're right. 2.5%. They each trade on it.

Yeah. But Tony Gant has made like 300 million at the box office. 2.5% they each they each trade on it yeah but but Tony Gantner's made like 300 million at the box office I know that was his insurance

right but then he just like he doubled up because I think they both did incredibly well though

off the back of those movies and then they went on to do Indiana Jones together remember they were like holy shit George

Stephen I love you man I love you too we made so much money what do you want to do next fucking let's get harrison ford in again and this time let's give him a whip and see what happens i think he's the true genius behind these things so i watched an episode of star wars star trek okay i watched an episode of star trek the next generation yeah it was a really early episode and it was an episode where wesley got q q was involved and he basically gave everyone in the enterprise everything they ever wanted okay so he gave war for like a really aggressive woman he made yeah he gave

made data a human you know he equivalent or whatever and he um because that's always what they date is like the pinocchio of star trek and um i want to be a real boy i want to be i want to feel touch me i want to feel what it is to be a man and they they they in the show they had this moment where wesley crusher grew up okay and they obviously cast this actor who was like a hollywood bodybuilder model guy he was like six foot five he was absolutely gorgeous you know and then obviously we know what he turned into because he's will wheaton you know this um yeah i'm not the biggest fan of but he's not do you know what i mean he's not like a bodybuilder he's not like what star trek envisioned him to be i mean it's gotta be said lewis neither are you so i don't know i mean or are you are you

what do you mean i'm not gonna grow up into like arnold's force or am i i'm just saying so so basically there's this thing in hollywood though where they tend to like cast someone who looks a bit similar to that person you could so you could sort of imagine that they're younger or an older version of them Sometimes they get it really off Right and you just I mean do that important as well with stunt cocks They try to find somebody with a penis that resembles yours So that you can have a bit of downtime in between all that fucking what are you talking about? It's like I thought we're talking about like

stunt doubles and then i started started talking about stunt cocks how do what are stunt cocks so i didn't think they were it's like it's like what you just said cock yeah but like because you've been at it all day hammering away you need a little break so they get somebody with a very similar penis to your own oh and then they do the close-up shots of your dick, but it's not your dick. Somebody else's dick that looks like your dick. You could have the same thing for women, though, like stunt boobs,

because I think in Game of Thrones... Kind of, but... You know, in the Game of Thrones, where there's that... where she has to walk naked through the whole of King's Landing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't spoil it.

I mean, that's a pretty big spoiler. That is a big spoiler It's the new seasons coming out like pretty soon so shit You know matter tough shit right if you're that father like you're right Jones fuck you on the topic of Not just crusher but a crush and i mean it's a pretty typical thing to talk about isn't it because i think every guy who watched star trek the next generation had a crush on deanna troy but whilst i did appreciate deanna troy's um boobs ample ample boobs um yeah i also had a bit of a crush on beverly crusher as well oh

did you i don't know why yeah it was really weird it was like an awkward one no it was like you know what i would let her give me medical attention and i'd be pretty happy with that too i don't know what it was i don't think i ever had a crush on Dr. Crusher. No, definitely not. No. She's too much of a mom. I mean, Picard did. Picard did.

Yeah, maybe that's the thing, though. Some people like that. People like that, the mom thing, don't they? Well, when you're a granddad, you might do. Yeah. Well, Picard needed a, like a, you know, he could have had Deanna troy as well it's gotta be said you know there was there were times when i'm sure that picard could have just turned around and been like deanna sock me off she would my quarters 10 minutes my quarters yeah but um yeah i don't know i just

think that like i think that deanna troy gets like all the attention when I think Beverly Crusher was like, you know. Engage blowjob. Engage. What blowjob? Engage. Beverly, you're going to have to do that warp nine. I have other things to do today, please. Okay. Jesus. today, please. Thank you. Okay.

Jesus. Oh, shit. So, anyway. But, yeah, I think that people should actually consider Beverly Crusher as an alternative to Deanna Troi, you know? I mean, as a source, Deanna Troi can only be used so many times before you think, I need something new. I need something fresh.

I need something exciting. And that excitement is Beverly Crusher doing the doctor bit on my balls. Yeah. So, Jesus Christ. What?

Jesus, that's such a... So, sorry, sorry no i just zoned out for a second there um yeah but yeah i love beverly weren't you i i thinking about old bev i think it's to do i think that as a 12 year old watching star getting a medical apparatus out yeah were you i mean you couldn't have ever envisioned that that was just a crush right it couldn't have ever been like a relationship they could have it just wouldn't have worked envisioned that. That was just a crush, right? It couldn't have ever been like a relationship. It just wouldn't have worked, you know? No, I wasn't interested in having a relationship with Beverly Crusher at the time, okay? I was, you know, I was becoming a man at the time.

I was going through puberty. There's a lot of confusing thoughts going through my mind. But one thing i did know for sure was that you know what beverly crusher is a contender alongside deanna troy okay also the other one that the for me it was uh dana scully okay dana scully nice uh she's back isn't there like a new X-Files? I saw people talking about this on Twitter, I think. Like a new X-Files. Is it out yet? I don't know. It might be out then.

I don't know. I'll probably watch it in like three years' time or whatever. Man, I used to watch X-Files a lot, actually. It was fucking good. So who else did you have a crush on from TV? Princess Leia in the metal bikini, is everybody everybody who grew up um around that time but there's only like coming out there's only like five minutes of that in all history that was enough okay we didn't have anything else back then geez

who else i'm trying to think who else was like i mean star trek i used to watch star trek i used to watch a lot of cartoons and like i don't know they didn't really make like not like nowadays where like nerds obsess over like cartoon girls and stuff you didn't really have that so much like i don't remember any of that anyway it's like newer cartoons i guess they make like you know i just don't know who you're trying to make them kind of sexy or whatever but like it's that's never really worked for me i've always been more like you know deanna troy not so much dana scully i gotta say your obsession with deanna troy is bordering on the on the worrying i must admit well you say that i mean i think that there's

somebody else you should be a little bit more worried about when it comes to obsessions with Deanna Troi, and his name is Geordi LaForge, and I'm pretty sure he actually attempted to sexually assault her in the holodeck at one point. I've mentioned this a couple of times. It was a really creepy episode of The Next Generation where he was just perving hard.

Deanna Troi actually walked into the holodeck while he was in there one time and saw herself and she's like jordy what are you doing he's like deanna no i don't want you to see me like this he had his visor off and everything fuck it was crazy i can't remember watching that specific one there are some ridiculous episodes but there was an episode where jordy had a problem with the engine so he created a hologram of the chief engine design engineer right who was this really hot woman right okay yeah and he got all like one he got steamy with her yeah where he was perving on her that's right and then one oh i'm confused it wasn't deanna troy season later okay yeah she actually visits the ship for real jordy i've got a six month old baby now

no but obviously she doesn't know anything about this okay she's like totally the opposite of the hologram she's like totally like off him and hates him and stuff anyway um she discovers that he's got this hologram program about her and it's really sinister actually it is almost like i remember feeling really uncomfortable watching that whole episode it's like you saw this girl like just a picture of her and then you drew you built this entire sort of sketchbook and this entire like 3d i know it's almost like the next generation the next generation predicted reddit like before it actually happened exactly it really did and um it was like he was totally pervert on her facebook and stuff getting all of her info and all of her deets yeah i'm implementing into his real fantasy basically yeah and then she

comes along and she walks in on it right and yeah she's like and she's like oh my god i'm horrified and it turns out she's married oh it's the worst it's the worst yeah jordy yeah he had a bad he had a bad one but they became friends at the end for some reason for some reason i don't remember that he managed to logic her out of it which i don't think would ever ever ever ever ever you know what it was he would you know what he did he guilted he guilted her he was like i can't see and then she's like oh jordy you know i've got a thing for blind guys, blind engineers who have to wear hair bands on their face. See? Bye.

Bye.