Triforce! - Triforce! #82: The Chips Story

Episode Date: November 7, 2018

Triforce! Episode 82! Lewis bought some chips. This is his story. This episode is sponsored by Chips. Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, everyone, and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis, also Sips. Hi. Sips. Hi. And Pyrrion Flax. Hello and Pyrrion Flax Howdy partners How are you guys doing? Flax you've been playing a lot of Red Dead Redemption 2

I noticed That's all I've done since I got the game on Friday lunchtime Literally all I've done I haven't loaded anything else up I've just been playing that non-stop It's been crazy The day I got it I did a 13 and a half

hour stream where all i did was play red dead 2 wow it's incredible it is honestly mind-bogglingly good i love it nice i'm i got i pre-ordered it but it didn't arrive on the day that it was released that sucks um and then i've i've just been lazy to going to pick it up so i hear really good things about it which is nice because i haven't heard really good things about other games that are coming out pretty soon which like like fallout 76 a lot of people are saying that it's when they've played it they thought it was pretty good but now realizing that it's coming out in like two weeks maybe it's not so good i don't know i mean you got to take some of this stuff you know yeah i guess so there's this where it comes from but they're basically the big two games right for this christmas season see it seems like everything

ramps up it's about this time no no there's there's two or three other big games yeah well you've got last of us 2 is coming out probably before christmas what do you mean next well they're console games right like dude so is red dead redemption 2 i know that ps4 for this game i haven't talked about how i don't care about that yet either as well but carry on what about the ps4 about red dead at all well what do you mean you don't care he doesn't have he doesn't like video games flex he doesn't like them oh you played it what is what is up with 2008 controls on a 2018 game i mean it's actually not that bad like i i don't know why people have complained about it it's it's fine like it's i i have had no problems and i never play console games like like i said i knew it's

four-year-old dad so i mean you you say you've had no problems i've seen you aim flexing dude aiming with a console that's me i know the controls that's me and this has auto aim sort of aim assist right um but honestly oh my god i never noticed that in in your game i gotta say you would there's a lot a lot of wild shots into the air that's why i'm so glad i can show that atmosphere turn on dead eye and just pop them all and i'm like jeez i never would have pulled these shots off otherwise yeah the dead eye thing is really cool i like when you i like that you can shoot guns out of people's hands and shoot their hats off and stuff too it's amazing yeah it's really sometimes you shoot people they'll fall backwards and just

shoot in the air and stuff like that it's um there's all kinds of details it is an extensively epic triple a game with a really good story and i think everyone that i've spoken to has just really had a good time but i think for me like the single player experience is a different experience right and it's it's obviously red dead online's gonna come out in a couple of weeks and i'm sure at that point you know i'm gonna get into it i never even played the gta 5 single player story really beyond. Oh my God. You're missing out, man. It's so good.

I watched you play bits of it on stream. Um, and I just, I just never got around to it. I just, I, I, I just like playing multiplayer games for some reason.

I like being social to do stuff. And it's, it's, you know, but then again, I played Fallout 76 as well. And I, I wanted to do that as a solo experience.

I mean, it's weird. My experiences this week with those two games are a little bit the polar opposite of what people are saying. I really enjoyed Fallout 76, but I think I just want to play Fallout again. I just want to play New Vegas and Fallout 3

and Fallout 4. So what's in Fallout 76 then? What's the base building side like like is it pretty cool or is it pretty pretty simple like is is there more emphasis on you just going out and doing stuff or do you spend a lot of time making stuff or what what do you do i think the idea is that you can like like literally set up a camp right anywhere and you can build a base on that right and then you can just leave it there and then when you want you can place your camp down again and bam it'll all appear again in the same place that you built

it right and so if somebody else happens across your spot do they see your stuff or not i think they do yeah um but i don't think they can attack you and like destroy your base stuff yeah i don't know care bear shit it is give me rust baby if you want an open world post-apocalyptic experience but i don't think it's like particularly like it's not server based in the sense that there's hundreds of people on the same thing it's it's right there's 10 to 15 people on the same it's like gta right pvp are you stuck with those people like forever then or do you just when you spawn in you're just on a new server and then no no no every time you log in it'll be different people okay but it's like just it's just like when you play gta online there's only ever 10 to 15 people on that map right of gta all hacking

their asses off exactly so and and so what's the what's so what's the point then like there's there's quests and things that you can do and yeah okay you got me you got me is there is there like do you have to grind stuff like is there an emphasis on playing it every day or is it the kind of thing where you just sort of like work through some storylines because i heard that there's not really much storyline at all it's all just like sort of side quests um yeah there's like there's not that many npcs you get a lot of stuff from like terminals and whatnot and that could just be a beta thing or maybe that's what that's part of it that's i think that right you strip the single player experience down what you end up with is

the danger that we had i was talking to tom about this a bit but you know when we played divinity original sin we wanted to play other players story pace right we like you wanted to read something or i wanted to read something and the other two weren't interested and so i think if you if you keep a story which is linear and blocking and and like everyone has to do a bit of reading it's not going to work i think that stuff is still in there there's lots of holotapes you can listen to right um and you'll be like shut up to your friends while you're trying to listen to them you know um there's lots of like there's like a console that you could sit down at and read

through a load of story about what happened and you know sure we'd like shut up i'm trying to read or protect me from these zombies attacking me on this computer while i read so so you so you meet up with friends and you just go off and and find stuff to shoot and kill and yeah like i think you find like a fucking warehouse that's infested by ghouls and you fucking well go there and it's got loads of schools that you kill them all and then more attack and then loads of other things attack and then it says you know lewis and sips have claimed the industrial zone and then then other players can come and try and rest it off you and if they do then you know they get so what's the benefit of claiming the industrial zone well i think once you've claimed it you get access to the workshop which gives you a load of resources that you can use to build where to get loads of credits you can 3d print

a load of fucking dildos shove them up your butt yeah well i'm sold i didn't think that it was sounding that good until flax mentioned the dildos in the butt now i'm anyway it's i'm actually fairly excited about it anyway let's talk about It was Halloween this week Right Oh yeah Well it was Halloween last night actually Yeah last night And I mean I've got such a boring life

Okay That the only story I've got Is that I was walking home last night And I got egged When Somebody egged me So it wasn't even Halloween It was like the night before

Because it was really fucking spook Really fucking freezing Alright okay The story's changing It didn't even happen on It was like the night before because it was really fucking spook, really fucking freezing. All right. Okay. The story's changing. It didn't even happen on Halloween. Here we go. It happened on that night that was really cold the other day. Did you guys have that night?

So this is not Halloween night, just to be sure. This is another night. Close to Halloween night. Right. Okay. What, how, you know, what, what's the, what, what are like the, the limits of close to halloween are we talking like the week leading up to and then the week after okay because okay because it's part of

the story so it counts right um and i was coming home about nine o'clock because it's dark it's fucking freezing right and i walked past this place um that looks like it's just sort of open but i hadn't seen it before it might have been over for years i don't fucking know and it's called just chips all right right were they true to their word or is there a lawsuit pending they only sell chips hot dogs here nope good just checking just checking can i order a burger no no no good good for you so i go in there and there's two people behind the counter first of all the door is is wide open because you know these days shops have to be welcoming right if you shut your door no one's gonna come in whereas if the door is wide open man you know what would have been perfect if you walked in there and then there was two motorcycle traffic cops standing behind the counter, you know, chips, just chips.

So they only sell chips. But then the guys that work there are chips as well. It would be the full package. I've never heard that phrase used. Or they only sold microchips. I would like that as well. Man, you've never seen chips? No.

Crazy. California Highway Patrol. Yeah, it's like an 80s... It was dreadful. Chips. It was dreadful. Let's see. Anyway.

Oh yeah, here it is. Chips, official... Wait, did they reboot Chips? God. Last year, by the looks of it. Good God. Oh, fuck me. Anyway, carry on.

Sorry. I fucking went in there, and it's freezing cold. So, like, it's freezing cold so like like freezing freezing cold now of course i haven't bothered to prepare for winter at all i'm still wearing like my really thin trendy fucking white fabric shoes my feet are fucking freezing um i've i've i'm wearing my like leather jacket you know my cool one which is italian so therefore does not protect you from the cold at all i'm fucking freezing my dick off right in this place right and i walked into the shop partly because i thought oh i'll warm up in here and of course because the doors were like a

trap well no but like it's like halfway home right i have like a long walk if you warm air currents next to the ventilation system if i huddle outside next to the chips try and warm up in this chip shop chips are warming yeah but i was like look it's cold it's a cold night i'm halfway home i'm gonna walk in here get some just chips i'm gonna eat chips on the way home stodgy that's why they warm you up but also i thought if it's just chips they've always got chips on the go right it's gonna be really quick i'm just gonna be popping there you're not gonna be able to warm up then oh yeah well but you know it was just for a second and i thought also i really wanted to

check if they did just do chips you know because i was like i was interested in that i've got it yeah you got it so yeah went in fucking behind the counter are these two guys who are wearing like fucking these clothes that look like they're handling liquid nitrogen or some something do you mean they are fucking like in a full like like warm clothes with massive radioactive waste sort of yeah yeah and they're both like the they both think that they've just finished their day job on a building site and they've come and worked in here right maybe working and making just chips all the day causes hot chip fat to burn their faces and you know cause them to be all patchy you know they're kind of like they're trolls right they're hunched they're big burly men

right but they're short the kind of men who are angry for no reason just because the world has given them a bad did you get beaten up in just chips yeah just chips and just chips and beatings what happened to you these guys are the guys who were behind the bout counter they're the guys making the chips right yeah uh someone's gotta make them i don't know why you're judging so much what do you what do you expect the queen to be there making the chips i mean no but they're fucking they know that this just chips is freezing and have prepared for it right because they're wrapped up so you're blaming them you're angry with them no preparing not really that's a that's a that's a common chip shop attire though every chip shop i've been to in the winter has had a man really bundled up even though

it's pretty hot in there when they've got the deep fryers going and stuff they always seem to have a scarf or like some sort of coat on or whatever and i think it's because it's like they want to sell you just chips yeah but they also want to give off that sort of like you know street food vendor vibe as well you know where it's like hey it's kind of outside even though it's really not outside but you know what i mean like exactly i think it adds i think it adds to the experience the experience of buying chips when do people need this just buy chips but the place is like quite nice right it's like it's not like i'm not saying it's like a beautiful hipstery trendy it's not like gourmet chips right it's not like it's like a beautiful, hipstery, trendy... It's not like gourmet chips, right? Gourmet chips, yeah. It's not like a greasy spoon, okay?

It's quite small, like the place. It's got a couple of nice little tables. It's got some nice graffiti and stuff on the wall. It's quite nice, right? Anyway, I say, you know, can I have some chips? And of course, they're like, yep. And I'm like... You wouldn't believe how many times you get asked that, don't you?

I'll tell you what. You didn't say, please, you just said, give me some chips. Well, no, I said,

please. Probably. Maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. Maybe this is the cause of what happened. Interesting. Yeah. Um,

and so he's like, how, how big do you want? And I was like, I'll have large, large chips. Because you got to order a large chips, right? You got, I want a like, I'll have large, large chips. Because you've got to order large chips, right? You've got,

I want a big, I want a big load of chips. Now I didn't really know. It depends how hungry you are. If you're hungry, yeah. If you're like really, really hungry,

you know, sometimes like your, your, your eyes are bigger than your stomach. When you're feeling really hungry and you're like, give me the, give me the supersize chips. And then you only eat like five chips.

Exactly. When do you get that stack of chips? Which is partly, well, we'll carry on with the story, shall we? We'll see what happens. Oh, no, I can't wait. Go on. Yeah, me too. I'm at the edge of my seat here.

But normally when you get a large chips, that's way too many chips. I'm never going to eat all those chips. No way. I don't know. You think you owe it to yourself to finish. If you bought it and, you know, you don't want to waste. So I think you have you owe it to yourself to finish if you bought it and you know you don't want to waste so i think you have to do it so he fucking well uh it's like jolly sauce jolly sauce on that mate and i'm like um yeah i'll have some have some ketchup please and he's like oh that'll be uh four pound fifty or whatever it was right i paid right and then he turns around

you said that these weren't gourmet chips where you're paying four pound fifty for a large chips yeah i know it's a lot of money for chips oh um and then so anyway turns around to his mate and sort of says something i wasn't really paying attention at that point i just sort of looked at my phone assuming yeah wouldn't be very long anyway i'm browsing my phone like five minutes goes by two of them aren't fucking doing anything right there's like there's like nothing happening like there's no fryers frying there's no chips happening there's nothing going on anyway i look over the counter like sort of nosily which i wouldn't normally do

okay but right cold right i'm like i'm like moving foot to foot i've sort of i don't know whether my phone away because my hands are so cold i mean so i'm like i do to foot I've sort of I don't know where to put my phone away because my hands are so cultured I'm in one of these situations now where I like either am bored or haven't got my phone so I just have to sit there and look at I don't know nothing

right and anyway and so the guy fucking leans over and presses like a button like he's forgotten to turn the the fries on um or something did he do it in that way where it was like he knew that he forgot to do it but he was trying to make it seem like it was part of the process like uh yeah yeah or not even did he just sort of press it and not draw any attention to it whatsoever to like fool you into thinking that was just normal he was in like mid spiel with his mate,

but because he saw me lead over, he thought I might be a new kind of customer. But I think he obviously realized at that point, Oh fuck, I forgot to turn the fryer. So he turned around and looked at you, saw that you were staring, you pressed a button and then you heard the doors lock behind you.

Yeah. And then they both smiled. The lights went out. Bingo. The spider cut a fly. So it'll make you squeal like a pig. I fucking stood there for like another like couple of minutes. And then there's, you know, and then he gets some fucking frozen chips out of a freezer.

And I'm like, fuck me. Like, I've already been here like 10 minutes really loud well well that's what i thought in my head i like right i was like come on you know i suppose it is like nine o'clock maybe maybe they were expecting there to be no one else coming in at this you were the only person in there anymore i don't know what time just chips closes, right? But I assume people want chips 24-7, right? Well, it is a very grabbing goal. And also, like, how long did the chips sit bad? I mean, obviously, once you fried them, you've got to get them back out quite quickly.

They get them out into one of those trays, right, with the light on it. Yeah, but they don't last that long. Like, they get a bit grimace after a while. So, I i mean they're obviously on a just in time cooking process people come in they want chips and you know if you've got chips going for lulu here and some lad comes in and wants chips perfect now we're not wasting chips otherwise you don't have chips sitting there for an hour true well no one's thinking do i just want chips precisely I don't know about you guys, though, but I like, I prefer when they sort of get the chips. I don't like chips straight out of the fryer. Like, I like them after they've sat in the...

Because they're hot and you've got to wait before you can shove them in your face? Exactly. That's exactly it. They're too hot. I like them warm. I like warm chips. I like them fresh and still dripping oil. That's how I like them. I want to tip out of the fryer and into my mouth. Right. You want to be able to sort of, yeah, warm chips i like them fresh and still dripping oil that's how i don't like them like that out of the fryer and into my mouth right you want to be able to sort of yeah you like to feel the

burning sensation of the hot oil but i just like the i like the fact that it's super hot yeah i mean i like hot so so they started cooking the chips so they started fucking cooking the chips and i was like jesus and so i was waiting around of shivering and like getting cold and you turned Irish in the processes like no one's coming in no one's coming into just chips no one wants it no one else what chips this is why and like to 10 minutes go by oh it feels like 10 minutes because those chips they're fucking looking at them and they look like they're done

how long does it take to fry some fucking chips do you ever feel like when you're in a situation like this do you ever think to yourself I wonder if I'm on like candid camera or something right now and there's a lot of people laughing at me because I'm missing out on the joke sort of thing

so you're sitting there waiting for like 20 minutes or whatever and these guys to pop out yeah these guys are just like having a chat and stuff and then you could just imagine like uh you know an audience of people at home watching this in like france or something laughing their heads off because maybe they find that funny there the fact that you've had to wait 20 minutes for so long for the we had we had a situation where we were in france and this guy was like working in this place but he was accosting everybody that came in and most people couldn't understand him because they were all tourists but because i understand french i understood what he was saying and he was getting he was getting really antsy with people because they weren't lining up properly right and he and he was saying to them yeah actually

there's a line here uh because that's how we do it in this country that's what he was saying to people that's not how you do it and so I was like holy shit this guy is really rude but I just like we were sitting down and I was telling my wife and she's like oh I can't believe how rude this guy is that's crazy I was like yeah I know and down and I was telling my wife and she's like, oh, I can't believe how rude this guy is. That's crazy. I was like, yeah, I know. And like, none of the staff seemed to interact with him either. Like he was just like, you know, he's just this grumpy lone wolf guy that nobody

seemed to talk to or whatever, but he was just let loose to be rude in a foreign language. And ironically, he's being rude about other people being rude. Yeah. So, and so we came to the conclusion that we must be somehow on a show that and somebody is somebody is laughing about this because this guy is just so crazy it's it's well it's unreal do you know what i reckon that in this world of youtube and twitch and pranks and all that shit like yeah there's a good fucking chance you are someone some some assholes probably put you on a youtube channel somewhere and you don't even fucking know yeah

yeah so what happened with the fucking chips i've gotta know geez oh shit yeah sorry to derail there i just wanted to throw in my two cents back to the chips though please so i don't know whether it was just a reasonable amount of time or because of the cold weather and the expectation of quick chips and the expectation that because they do just chips you would assume that chips would be available quickly i didn't expect though i don't know how long i was there probably it can't be more than 20 minutes really but it felt like about an hour um it really dreads and eventually i get get my fucking super big cone of chips you know like like this kind of cone you'd have on like a big dog when it was like, Oh yeah. The, the, the chip cone. Yeah. Yeah. When it had been bad. Um, and of course, it's when they've got had an operation, the classic sort of, the classic sort of fucking

thing they do is they put the, so in this place they put the sauce on for you. Okay. Yeah. So you only get like, you really only get ketchup on about five chips in that setup. Well, I think to make up for the delay in chip speed production, the guy decided to give it a lovely even coating of ketchup all over the top layer. You were totally on, Shandy Camera. So it kind of looked like I was carrying a big you can just imagine like the post the post editing that they put in with the ketchup squirting sounds and stuff like that everybody's laughing their heads off this guy waited 25 minutes and now the ketchup is making a fart noise that's

going on the chips so they gave me the chips in a cone um and normally you'd get like i don't know like a little fork or something right because it's obviously it's obviously chips to go so i'm holding this big cone like a bouquet of flowers yeah and it's covered in ketchup so i can't really get into it without like getting my fingers covered in covered in ketchup right yeah and i don't really give you a little like wooden fork thing so when he handed over the cone with all the ketchup on i sort of took it and i was like oh thanks i looked at him i looked around the bar as if like saying is there a wooden fork with my eyes and then looked him in the eye he looked me in the eye and there was no and that was like the unspoken

is there a wooden fork he said no we haven't got any with his eyes though because i didn't actually ask him yeah god forbid you should open your mouth and say can i have a fork please because that would have been awkward we didn't need it it was unspoken we've spent enough time in that freezing cold fucking place to know each other's thoughts at that point. I knew there was no wooden fork forthcoming. I'd seen there were none on the counter. There were none.

You developed a link with this person. He knew I was watching. Anyway, I walk out of the fucking chip shop and I'm thinking to myself, like, I want one of these now, but I don't want to get my fingers covered in tomato ketchup. I'm also thinking if I get my fingers covered in tomato ketchup, I'm gonna have to lick my fingers. And first of all, chips covered in tomato ketchup are no good, right? They're very sickly sweet. I kind of want to have like a low level, not a lot, but like not swamped.

Okay. No one wants to just eat fucking tomato ketchup so i'm thinking i'm gonna have to crack this layer of chips somehow i'm gonna have to evenly more evenly distribute so and also if i do get my fingers covered in tomato ketchup i'm gonna have to lick my fingers now why didn't you just get a serviette did they not have them at that place oh no he gave the other guy a look that said are there any serviettes and the guy gave him another look that says no they come on friday you're too early but i'm not gonna like i'm not gonna grab a serviette and like individually eat a chip with ketchup like wipe my fingers i'm not gonna i'm not a monster also i've got to walk home while i'm doing this okay it's dark and so you know i'm like i'm just thinking at this point i'm thinking first of all i don't really want to lick my dirty

fingers i've been sat in this fucking dirty place. I've been like handling my phone. And you know what? It's like people always say, oh, phones are gross. And also I've been handing my keys in my pocket. I just feel really dirty now. And I want to like wash my hands before I start eating chips with bare hands. That's all.

I want to be clean. They should make a movie about this story and then at the end of the movie the last scene of the movie is the uh man who is buying chips walking out of just chips with his cone of chips with an even spread of ketchup you know applied to the top of the chips and then he drops the cone on the ground and puts his outstretches his arms and looks up in the sky and goes, what is the point? And it, and it does that. You could get a drone to film it like spiraling away sort of thing.

And it can be a, um, it can be like a, a sort of take on modern life, you know, that can win the cans, the cans film festival awards and the Sundance and Rufio Romero cinema award and on all the all the big ones so I'm thinking all this can be artsy while I'm walking down the street and in front of me

on this in the street is um a man dressed as a cone of chips no he's he's actually dressed off the cone and it's Noel Edmonds you see a gigantic truck drive by and it's a serviette delivery warehouse thing. And a giant skip load of forks. They're just tipping them in the back of the chip shop. And the guys are waving to you sadly. Goodbye, our old friend. Thank you for purchasing chips and nothing more. I'm sorry we had those serviettes or forks for you,

but this is just chips, literally, and ketchup. And a plastic cone. Not plastic, paper cone. So I'm walking down the street, and I'm in this kind of, it's not like a main street, it's just like an alley off the main street, okay? Because I was like, you know,

it's just slightly quicker to walk around this dank alley for some reason. Um, and I always do, and it's fine. Anyway, tonight there's a guy in, uh, with his back to me with in, in like a doorway, like pissing into the doorway. Right. And as I'm sort of thinking about how I want to go home before I eat any of these chips, um's like shaking off shaking off okay and sort of turns around to me i noticed he was quite hairy i thought it was like a homeless guy but actually he's wearing like a big fucking halloween werewolf mask okay because he's obviously out for his work fucking christmas party or some shit oh he's got long claws that man very sharp teeth so he's got the um the fucking wolf mask like pulled up on his head okay and as he turns around

to me and he sees me coming and he walks at me and like leans over fucking just gets his hand into the chips grabs one i'm not even fucking joking doesn't give a shit it says to me happy halloween mate and then fucks off and i'm just stood there like man what the fuck there's no fucking hope for this race is there it's this no because of that fucking story doomed you took 25 minutes to tell us that you bought some chips it took quite a long time and a mean man stole one i wasn't eating those chips after he'd had his fucking gross pissy hand in my fucking chips. I threw those chips straight in the bin. I didn't even get my chips.

How did he deal with the ketchup? Did you ask him about that? He didn't give a fuck about the ketchup. He didn't give a fuck about the ketchup. Was he licking his fingers or did he have a... Yeah, like a big werewolf just covered in fucking blood all around his fucking chops. I don't know. He was gone. I was shocked. You are a strange Yeah, like a big werewolf just covered in fucking blood all around his fucking chops. I don't know. He was gone.

I was shocked. Yeah, you are a strange man, Lewis Brinley. I don't know how you do it, Lewis. This is crazy. I mean... I just... There must be a complete absence

of social interaction in your life on a daily basis that this is your week boils down to. It took a long time for me to buy some chips and someone stole one. I just want you to experience

what was going on in my head like the crushing disappointment yeah of getting home and not having any chips after that ordeal yeah i had to go through i was really excited for those chips they were they were fresh and you could have chips i saw all the process the whole process from freezer to who the fuck gets excited about? Just buy them and eat them and shut up about it. Jeez. We've got a beam to a cup coffee machine but I think freezer to cone is a better process in my mind. Anyway, fuck it.

So just chips. What would you give it out of five stars? I kind of don't mind going back but I think I need to go back at a busier time. How? How? Well, I'm still excited. They looked fine. mind going back but i think i need to go back at a busier time listen to a 25 minute sob story about chips and lack of forks and too much ketchup and you're like well they did all right like a four and a half out of five easy the most english review of anything i've ever heard no complaint and we'll go back. It's like, what?

You just sold me on the idea that this is the worst chip shop you've ever been in only to return. Ridiculous. This is why people like Just Chips get away with it. It wasn't about Just Chips. Just Chips weren't responsible for the fucking random

fucking party goer, drunk guy around the corner having a piss, were they? It's not like they hired him to like sabotage people's fucking chips. So they come back and they're like, oh, homeless guy fucking put his pissy hand in my chips. Can I have another pack? They're not doing business with that guy. He's not

coming around the back being like, oh yeah, I've got another one. He's not a homeless guy. He's a werewolf. He was probably a student. He's a reveler, out a homeless guy he's he's a werewolf all right he was he was a student he's a reveler out for fun anyway that was someone who he knows he can steal a chip from he's not going to steal the chip from just chips more to the point he's probably smart enough not to fucking queue up for 25 minutes for shit i bet you i bet you're not the only person he did that to he probably ate a full meal's worth of chips just by doing the same

trick it's like he's like Saul Goodman you know it's got he's like hustling out there so like when you walked away he went back to pretend pissing waiting for the next chump to come down the alley takes out his chips then before you know what that's a free meal right there you know you know if you just told me I was walking back from work the other day i bought some chips and someone just reached in and took one that's the story took 30 seconds i don't know if i would be able to control myself if somebody without asking reached over and ate some food out of a receptacle if somebody reached over without asking And ate some of my food I mean I'm not a confrontational person So I probably wouldn't say anything I'd probably do what you did

But that kind of stuff makes you want to murder him Oh my god I can see how a murder can happen now That's rude If they had CCTV cam Of you murdering someone After they tried to take one of your chips, I think the jury would acquit you based off that.

There's an audience somewhere in Asia laughing at you right now. You want to know what happened to me last night, Halloween? Me and my two girls went out trick or treat with some friends of ours and their kids and everything. And we went all around and we did all the trick or treat. And we came back. Mrs. F had been holding down the fort fort giving out sweets to the kiddies and so let's just roll back a second just so i can see this in my mind what are you dressed as a dad oh come on you didn't even to do the dress up with the girls come on they they scary when adults dress up as stuff they don't

want to scare the kids like were you a werewolf was it you saw this little man walking along and i thought i fancy a chip right now didn't think anything of it at the time but yeah so i mean i just went out with them i'm just wearing regular stuff i'm just dressed as a dad in fact i was accidentally wearing my rick and morty jumper which is a christmas jumper and people pointed out to me why are you wearing a Christmas jumper? And I was like, I just didn't. I'm a dad. I have a small wardrobe of clothes. And this is one of the jumpers that was clean.

Exactly. My costume is a, is a, is a Christmas reveler. So, so sue me. That's my, that's my costume.

Someone who's looking forward to Christmas. Yeah. That's pretty much it. So what were your, were your girls dressed up? What were they? Um, my youngest was a devil woman.

So she was the devil as a woman. So she had lipstick on and fainted a face white. She had weird black eye makeup on. A strangely sexy costume for a five-year-old or whatever. A what costume? The devil costume is like a classic sexy costume, isn't it? No, it is. This was not a sexy costume.

A, she's six. I know. She just wore, it was a dress that my eldest had had in a previous Halloween that was a Day of the Dead costume. Right. Sort of like a big red Mexican style dress. It's like a big long dress. Did she get to pick this or were you like, you're wearing this? No, she said, I want to be like.

You're wearing your eldest eldest your old sister's old shitty costume no she was like i want to be like the devil who's a woman i was like okay and my eldest was like i want to be a princess but dead so i was like okay so we painted her my wife painted her with a dead face like blood and zombie stuff on her face so she was like a beautiful disney princess but dead and my youngest was basically the devil if the devil was a woman that was the the ploy so we went out to the trick treat and it was great lots of kids had some cool costumes we come back mrs f wants to go to bed so she puts a load of sweets in a bowl and puts it out the front with little signs saying help yourself which a lot of people do and the kids

go past and you're not answering the door but take the sweets from the back from the bucket someone just robbed the whole bowl oh that happens all the time kids yeah they robbed but the actual bowl like was gone it's not just like the this is like one of the bowls we use for mixing stuff i don't know why my wife used that but she did they took the whole because she didn't expect it to be fucking stolen right oh my god you see this shit on fucking reddit don't you like some woman comes up and just fucking grabs the whole lot puts in a backpack like they can't afford to like go to the fucking shops and buy 50 peas worth of sweets. I mean, jeez.

I mean, that's an asshole right there too. Taking the sweets. I know someone's going to take the sweets. That's going to happen. Yeah, yeah. But stealing the bowl? That's a bowl. I know.

You know, we started doing flex because we had the same issue. We just went to like Pound World and you can buy like a big plastic halloween bowl that has pumpkins on it but the kids like those as well they would have been even sadder if that had been nicked i think you need to know when you buy you buy one you buy one for the sole purpose of leaving your extras outside after you're done answering the door plastic polluting the planet you need to booby trap these things you just realize that that one's gonna be stolen but then just buy them

ones that you you keep locked safely inside that nobody can steal how about this it's a booby trap these things you just realize that that one's gonna be stolen but then just buy them ones that you you keep locked safely inside that nobody can steal how about this it's a booby trap right you cover all of the bottom of the bowl in ketchup right so yeah when they pick up the bowl to take it away and put it shove the bowl in their pocket or whatever they get covered in fucking ketchup and all the all the sweets yeah that that yeah booby trap what about instead of ketchup you put lava in there as what happened that's just sorry as an interruption to tricks like do people still do tricks on how no it's the the day and age now is everybody is um is way too sensitive and um right you know that nobody wants to be tricked anymore. Are we the wrong age though?

Are like 20 kids, teenagers still putting ketchup on people's cars? Because I remember doing that. I catch up to guys' cars. We didn't get tricked at all. I didn't even see anybody doing any tricking. I haven't heard about any tricks. Somebody knocked on our door at like

10.30 last night and I guess it was just like are you doing any no i haven't heard about any trick somebody knocked on our door at like 10 30 at last night and i guess it was just like somebody chanting teenagers there's a lot of teenagers out that try to get sweets and yeah later on after like the kids have all gone in they're not dressed up they're like 16 years old and some of them have even knocked and said trick or treat and you go i'll get the sweets they go no no money please we want money and i'm like no you can have sweets we had we had a group of guys at our house yesterday like that they weren't dressed up nothing they're just like trick or treat i was like oh spooky costumes they just had like their fucking hoodies on and stuff it was pretty spooky actually i think that's really scarier than um it was funny because that that was me i remember doing that as well we were

just like out oh shit yeah it's halloween oh fuck are you hungry yeah i am okay let's just go trick-or-treat for like two seconds that's funny i like that holy shit so so you went out did you pflex around the neighborhood yeah what time about did you go like seven or like six o'clock right okay they're little kids I mean it's like you know it's a bunch of little six and seven year old kids you don't want to be out too late and also you don't want the older kids because they're fucking trouble they come down from Feltham and Hounslow and they're just animals so they come down and just you know steal stuff and throw things at cars and so you get the early stuff done you get the early it's all little kids they're all in like my i mean we recognize half the kids out and about because we see them

at school and stuff like that it's a weird it's a weird thing isn't it stepping out it's because the daylight savings and everything it gets dark really early so six o'clock it's pitch black you walk out onto onto your road which is normally like probably pretty deserted at that time most people are like home and um inside or whatever but on on halloween it's just always such a weird atmosphere because there's a lot of people outside when normally there isn't yeah you're walking around chatting and stuff i think it's also because you're used to seeing like it being when it's dark no one's really out but yeah it's because it's dark and early normally in summer there'd still be people out walking around oh yeah when it's like yeah when it's light out yeah

but in the dark i think the other weird thing is i see my neighbors and i say more to them on halloween or if it's really snowy and everyone's out of work because they can't get in and the schools are shut people are out having fun and you think this kind of interaction with your community should be something that we're not seeing as like a novelty but it is yeah no it is it's weird and i think more than anything else that that's what's caused this isolation is that we just don't experience any sense of community with our neighbors especially in london i mean there's neighbors that i've lived opposite always hello morning like that that's the extent of my knowledge of them same and you

know what i'm gonna keep it that way too because i do not want neighbors all up in my business i keep them at arm's length big time i've never been friends with a single neighbor i've ever had wow because i think that when you start chatting to your neighbors a lot and stuff you invite them into your life and you don't know these people that the only thing you have in common is that you live next to each other you know i don't need to be in common with that's a lot it's a lot but man i don't need more people like i have a vetting process and like this this person potentially is skipping all of that just by living right next to me but it's the same with work colleagues you work i don't want cheaters you work with someone you just happen to both

be employed by the same place. I know. But how many people have you worked with that you've stayed in touch with after you've left that job? Quite a few. The only thing that keeps you friends with them is the fact that you work together, right? Quite a few, actually. A lot of Mrs. F, a lot of her friends are former work colleagues. I have like one or two people that I'm still in touch with like after not working for like what like seven

years now or whatever but even then i'm not i don't talk to them that often and normally what what sparks our conversation up is we'll see like because it's a small place right every once in a while i'll see somebody i used to work with in the paper or something right and then i i know that as soon as i've read it five minutes later i'll get a text from this guy going did you see the guy in the paper and oh yeah i saw him and that's it so it's like you know what i mean yeah yeah i mean the other the other thing like the reason you sort of know your neighbors is is because it's supposed to be this sort of interview scenario like you where you're like you know you want to meet them in order to find out whether they're gonna rob your house or whether they're nice enough people that you can leave your key

with do you know i mean in case you get locked out or whatever yeah i mean honestly like especially when you when you have kids your kids and their kids will play together and stuff i mean yeah like my so we i've had neighbors that have been really you know not super close but we've gone around to their house for a party yeah kids play at each other's houses and stuff and you can rely on them we're going away can you feed the cat can you keep an eye on the house that kind of stuff it's very rare that you're going to become best friends but yeah anyway what happened on halloween night then pflax go on i want to hear what you got i told you we went out and we trick-or-treated you did it it was all safe it all sounds all good no no good nothing to report i was i was meant to be um designated trick-or-treater for my kids,

but then my kids were like, no, no, can we go with mom instead? So my wife's like, well, looks like you're on door duty. And I was like, all right, fine. So I just fucking sat around and watched. I watched Kenan and Kel, and I watched Sabrina the Teenage Witch on The Vault. The new one. No, no, this is the old one. Why were you watching those?

They were on this TV channel called The Vault. Yeah, but just because they were on doesn't mean you have to watch them. What the fuck is The Vault? I don't know. It's on FreeSat. I never even realized I had access to this channel. So I thought, fuck it, I'll just put it on, see what's on. The classic Sabrina.

They had the A-team on. The classic A-team later on was pretty good too. Jesus. So what were your trick or treat, like bowl of treats? Did you have like a load of sweets and stuff? Oh, we had tons of stuff. We have a lot of stuff left over too, yeah. But it's like we're playing the long game

because we bought all these candies and stuff for trick-or-treaters hoping that we'd have some left over. And it just so happens we do because my son's birthday is going to be next month. Perfect. And we're just going to fill up all of the party bags for his friends. This is a great idea because we've got i've also got a actually this month is my um my my six-year-old is turning seven

yeah we we bought a it looks like the kind of bucket that you'd get something like not paint it's much bigger than a chip no not not even chips not even just chips chips. I'm talking about this would be something like filler for a wall or something like that. It's like poly filler. Yeah, like a huge tub just filled with Twizzlers sweets. So it's got everything you can imagine in there. It's huge. And we got it in Costco for like 15 quid or something. I was like, perfect.

That'll do us for Halloween and everything else. Now I've just realized we can stuff them in party bags. Bingo. Good shout. Good shout. Absolutely. You have to be ahead of the game. So what kind of party are you having for your daughter?

Who's turning the same age as my son, actually. He's going to be seven as well. We're having a magician. A magician. Oh, fuck. She wanted a magician. So he's going to do some close crowd magic. And then he's going to do a stage magic show.

And he's very strongly recommended by a friend of mine who works in the theater and he's going to be great. He's going to chop a child in half. My son decided that this year he wanted a pirate themed bouncy castle. So we rented one. We had to rent out a...

I think that's what I had when I was like seven. Look how Lewis turned out. Kids can be annoying though. one um we had to rent out i think that's what i had when i was like seven look how lewis turned out so kids kids can be annoying though like a lot before the halloween party last night all the parents went around to a friend's house we met up there to sort of congregate we stuffed some pizza in the kids so they wouldn't moan too much and then we took them out and while we're in the house we're drinking prosecco we're having a chat and everything and um my friend went to town on the halloween decorations she had loads of stuff all over the house and one thing that she'd bought was this skeleton with a little sheet hanging over it's about the size it's about twice the size of an

action man right so it's a little bigger it's quite a quite a it's not too big not too small and it hangs there and if you touch it it goes screams for like 30 seconds of hideous high-pitched shrieking and terrifying noises and the kids were whacking this thing and whacking it to make it play it and make a noise and in the end i was like i cannot stand it anymore and i turned it off now her dad who's like an older guy he was really getting into the halloween thing he watches me turn this off we're all saying oh thank god two minutes go by he sneaks around and turns it back on doesn't say anything just turns it back on the kids just whacking this thing again i was like this is driving me up the fucking wall like it was unbelievable it was the worst noise you could

imagine just didn't care one kid there's like a piano there the kids just bong bong bong bong i was like my god like the kids are awesome as like in twos and threes once you get like nine of them together forget it forget it amplifies like they go crazy like yeah just yeah it's nuts and they don't they stop listening like they're just opening the front door if someone knocks on the door they're just opening it and they're doing the trick-or-treating these kids are like six i was like kids do not open the door without a grown-up you cannot do do that. And they're like, just look to me. And then they're bing bong, and they're just opening the door again. I was like, stop opening the door.

They just, it's like, they literally cannot understand what I'm saying. Because they're just like, their brains are just like fried with the excitement of being around other kids. It's not even skillful. Oh my God. It's crazy. They're just vibrating with this ridiculous amount of energy and then you spill them out onto this darkened streets to do trick-or-treating i'm just like herding them i was like stay close stay close we're across the road across the road i was

like waving down traffic so the kids could cross safely i'll take it very seriously i'm just terrified of something happening to them i hope none of you have any chips yeah tonight don't touch i'm mad he's got chips he's got you just turn into like a fucking broken record though don't you just like you you take a step back and you listen to what you're saying you're like i've literally said the same thing all night over and over and over i haven't said anything else yeah slow down stop running you're gonna hurt yourself i mean i think it would actually be viable to have a recording of me saying stay together please stop wait for us to catch up wait stop and just have that playing all the time and i could just have a chat with the person next to me that's honestly what i think i could i could

do and you just you know they'd listen about as much as they do i could imagine you holding like a boom box yeah do you have it on your shoulder with that just playing? Do not touch that. Put that down. Don't talk to that man. Just on a loop. If you were dressed up as Robocop, though, you might command more authority and people might listen to you. No, kids don't respect a person in a costume.

Look at what happened to Mr. Wimpy. I think they respect Robocop. No, they wouldn't. I think Robocop is a respected man. No, they just try and see inside his legs and they wouldn't care. They'd like pull his bits off. Sir, can you open up your gun holster? Is there candy inside this gun?

I was like, oh no. Then they'd be whacking you. If they found out that they could hit you with impunity because you're wearing a metal Robocop costume, they'd just be smacking it with the hardest thing they could find oh banging sticks on the back of your head like last night one kid my daughter came up and smacked me on the ass as she occasionally does all the kids started punching me like they were like yeah i know that's it it's like a floodgate one person punches you in the ass every once in a it. Every once in a while, like I'm at a kid's party or something,

and either my son or one of his friends will just donkey punch me hard in the ass. And then it's like an open invitation. They're like zombies or something. It's awful. Here's like an open carcass with brains leaking out of it. They all just sort of converge on you and start punching you in the ass. They're testing the boundaries. And if they know they can get away with it the other kid's like oh my god that guy lets us punch him in the ass yeah i know i've been wanting to punch

that out with the ass but yes this one kid is testing to see whether i just drop kick him through a window for doing that like and then the others are like all right you didn't kick him back yeah let's all kick him so then I turn around to see who'd done it and one of them punched me in the balls like really hard. Because I was like, jeez, she knows how to hurt a man because she's got a dad.

She's like, I punch my dad in the balls every time to see if it works on this stranger. Bang, right in the nuts. I was like, Jesus. And then they're all, yeah, they're all just piling in. It was like, fuck this.

I just went and got a drink and hid. Are you saying you got beaten up by a bunch of several years i can imagine you like in the fetal position and they're just all kicking you and punching you you can't fight back you literally can't fight back fucking ambulance turns up yeah you grab one they think it's a game so you grab another dad being kicked to death by toddlers we can't fight back that would be wrong what she doing was she doing that thing where she was like really like excited and laughing and stuff and like it was fine but then she punches you in the balls and then realizes that based on your reaction she's gone over the line she crossed the line yeah so there's like that nervous laughter sort of thing and she's not quite sure if you're just going to like you know up or down into the upper atmosphere or what sort of thing yeah kids are the

worst man yeah they can be the worst for sure oh my god for the most part i'm glad they're pretty good right it's uh i was saying this yesterday and thinking about this too you know it's kind of sad to think that like in your life on on average, you'll probably only ever trick or treat like 10 times, right? In a whole life. That's not a lot of trick or treating. Yeah, I mean, as the child, I guess. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, you'll take your kids out trick or treating and stuff.

But yeah. Oh, yeah, that's different, though. I mean, you actually enjoying the art of trick or treating or whatever. I used to get so excited. I loved it. Man, I loved everything about it. I loved like putting my costume on and going and getting candy. And then I loved getting home and being able to stay up a little bit later

and just like sorting through all my candies and stuff. And then I loved like the month after of just having this like fucking massive supply of candy that i could just eat whenever and take to school and stuff that handled that's that's handled but in the back of my mind i know the stash is safe and then by the end of like november going into december you've just got a bucket with like a bunch of bounties at the bottom and you know fucking those gross whistle lollipop things that nobody likes i always thought they had a bit of plastic in them because it always tastes like there's plastic i think they have they they do or they have like a weird plastic coating or something but man they're not nice

you know my daughter's favorite sweet is palmer violets oh what the hell grandma basically like i think they're about this yeah they're like super old-fashioned sweets. And she loves them. She absolutely loves them. They're like her favorite sweet. And whenever she tells people growing up, say, oh, what's your favorite sweet? She's like, Parma Violets. They're like, what?

What are you, from 1812 or something? It's like, ridiculous. Oh, Parma Violets, please. I like my Parma Violets. She's nine. I was like, why don't you like Snickers bars or some shit? But no, she likes the palm of violets. I used to like these candies called runts. And they were shaped as, there was like a banana shape, an apple shape, an orange shape.

There's a strawberry shape. And they were hard candies. So you'd get a handful of them and you'd have to suck on them for a while. Make them soft. And then you could chew them up sort of thing. Yeah. But they were really good i remember like as a kid i would buy a pack of runts all the time my mom would give me a nickel and i'd run down to the corner store can i get a nickel for a pack of runts hey ma i just did i just mowed the lawn could i get a nickel

boy i love candy i honestly do remember one time my dad giving me 25 cents and saying that i could go buy gum so maybe that makes me old 25 cents for a pack of gum he was he was on his way to work he had his suit on and everything he's like bends down he's like here you go son 25 cents a quarter he's like go buy yourself some gum gee thanks mister gee thanks thanks mister run to the corner store and buy some gum the thing is like i used to get 20p pocket money 20p but i could buy the bino and 12ps worth of sweets every week 20p if i gave my kids 20p now they'd laugh at me goodbye like i didn't buy palma Violets for that. I can't even download a free app without the internet costs.

Well, there you go. That is all we've got time for. Thank you, everyone. I'm going to cut you off full flow. We'll be back. Shut up, Sips. I'm sure next time we'll talk. Fuck, sorry, guys.

I got carried away. That's all right. Peace out, everyone. I'm going to cut you off now. Bye, thanks, everybody. See you later. Bye. Bye. fuck sorry guys I got carried away peace out everyone I'm going to cut you off now bye thanks everybody see you later bye