Triforce! - Triforce! #84: Gazza, the Siegebreaker

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

Triforce! Episode 84! Turns out all you need to stop a siege is a fishing rod, a rotisserie chicken and some tinnies. Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce Podcast with me, Lewis. Also, Pyrrhin Flax. Hello. Also, Sips. Hi. How are you guys doing? Doing alright.

You know. Man, so this morning I was reading this article about how a guy, an American guy, went to the banned island in India, you know, with the tribesmen. I read about that. The North Sentinel Island, I believe it's called. Yeah, so they're called the Sentinelese people. And they're cut off from the world on their little island. And they kill anyone with spears and homemade arrows and stuff.

Homemade. Well, where else are they going to get them? Well, I guess island-made. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not made in like nearby places but it's like imported yeah it's quite one of these quite isolated places it's like off the coast of like india and burma like it's in the bay of they believe they might be descended from the first africans to leave africa like that that group of people right and they found this island and they must have been like yeah this seems nice and then subsequently thousands of years later of course it's turned out to be a little too remote

and they sort of haven't made any contact with uh civilization but some people of course will say well what a wonderful thing that means they're they're like you know they don't have any of the bullshit that we've got like facebook and shit like that but they're also um it's not just about not making contact with them for that reason but also none of them have been exposed to things like the common cold that we've got and the flu and stuff right so you could just go there sneeze and wipe them all out exactly just like when we went to north america for the first time everybody got really sick yeah because we were all used to living this is this is my understanding of it anyways that people in in europe and and the middle east had been living in cities and we develop immunities

to common illnesses yeah because we have more exposure to them as a gene you know as a gene pool as it were whereas they they didn't so when you're used to living in more um highly infested filth ridden places like uh leeds yeah man did you ever like get the a little bit of desire to live on an island and like never be and just be living like make drinking water out of a conch and and you know surviving on your own all the way up until i saw that tom hanks movie with castaway yeah yeah and then i decided you what? I don't want to do that. Yeah. There's no dentist.

He had to use an ice skate to knock his teeth out. No internet. Yeah, best friend was a volleyball. What did he have to use instead of internet? Like old classic magazine porn. He had a tiny locket with a picture of his wife in it. He had to really hope hard that a couple of empty cans of Coke would wash up on shore. And then he could like, you know, MacGyver it with a string and a couple of tin cans. He would wash up on shore and then he could like you know MacGyver it with a

string and a couple of tin cans he could make a satellite get get a signal and then you know god I thought you were talking about making a fleshlight out of the tin of coke I was gonna say I thought you were gonna say I don't think I'd want my fleshlight made out of a tin well you say that someone told me when I was streaming the other day a lad told me that some guy tried to fuck a hornet's nest now yes it's not true it's a hoax it sounded believable of all the things that in this world that you could fuck you choose a hornet's nest i i don't know but there might be some reasoning for it right like it's kind of because because maybe all the um honeycomb is all like soft or something i don't think hornets make honey no they don't they just they just sting people they don't

they don't have any other qualities to them you know I'm sure there's a few people who are into that but generally I mean there's that historical vibrator they claim that was just like a wooden thing filled with bees yeah I'm not sure if it's true but I mean you know it's

conceivable I guess you just shake it to get them good and angry and then and then it's a fun time i guess yeah that's a good point what did people do before you could sit on the uh washing machine or the dryer i guess they had to like improvise have sex with each other i guess i mean yeah lame weird god that's lame yeah so there's been a bunch of times that like these these islanders have been contacted right um there was originally this guy uh tn pandit right who worked with the indian government to try and leave gifts right over on the island and make friendly contact with him however they didn't accept the gifts and it went on for about 30 years before he finally gave up so he would he was

consistently leaving gifts there right on the beach for them and over 30 years before he finally gave up so he would he was consistently leaving gifts there right on the beach for them and over 30 years they didn't break their spirit what do you get a tribe of people that has nothing what did they take the gifts though no they threw him in the sea yeah so so when the national geographic went to film them right um they were accompanied by this team of like armed police officers and stuff they they landed on the and since like in the 70s when this i guess you could just sort of turn up with a bunch of guys with guns back then you know in the 70s and just assume that you know if they started attacking you they fired just they brought some presents right they brought like a miniature plastic car some

coconuts a pig living pig a doll an aluminium and some aluminium cookware, right? But the islanders shot arrows, one of which hit the documentary director in his thigh. Was it like one of those poisonous blow darts or something? Like, did he get some leprosy, like, off the back of that? I think he was okay. But then the islanders speared the pig, buried all the presents, and then, like, left.

Why are we so obsessed with these people why can't we just leave them alone like are we i think it's it's because they are they don't want to be left alone i think i think it's i think i think you think it's all attention seeking their attention seekers yeah they're just like bow firing really like like like naughty naughty child syndrome like that's probably the worst conclusion you could draw from all the meetings that we've had with them they've tried to kill us they've rejected gifts and what lewis says is ah they love it they want this attention they uh i don't think they're sending a clear enough signal with the get the fuck off our island we're going to shoot you with arrows and throw spears at you and burn and stab and bury anything you

bring us please fuck off lewis is like it would make a perfect tv show like you know like an entire society that that is the villain you know but and but it's completely unreasonable and you know there's no you know they're just very brutal and stuff that well you could do celebrity jungle there celebrity yeah that sounds like the ideal bad guy on a tv show right stick it they drop all these young essex teenagers off very excited to be on north central island here i know it's going to be hype as fuck i can't wait it's going to be sick and uh apparently locals can be a bit funky but i can't wait to get mixing up against them and get some love action going you know i'm saying, you know what I'm saying? Bam! Arrow to the chops. Just speared, impaled.

Oh, God. When Tony got shot by that arrow, I was like, oh, my God, I couldn't believe it. And I was like, get me out of here. But then I thought, you know what? Maybe he's just misunderstood. And actually, he's trying to open up. And the arrow is like how he's opening up. So I tried again.

And, yeah, he stabbed me in the leg oh fuck oh oh man love island is that still going jesus christ you know that fucking um jungle one the one that ant and deck used to um host i'm a celebrity get me out of here ant has now been shunned by the entire world because he's uh he's a total mess right so he's not allowed to present it anymore so he's very big on north sentinel island very popular yeah yeah yeah so they got uh who's it i think it's like holly willoughby to to to to present it with deck right yeah so deck is just like you know looking for another wingman now.

The Ant is like out of the picture. Well, hey lads, Ant turned out to be a bit of a cunt, so it's me and Ollie Freeman in a house. I don't know what the details are of how Ant and or Deck, whichever it is, fell from grace. But I think he drank a lot and did a load of drugs. I mean, I guess. He did, yeah. Well, he got busted for drinking and driving, yeah. No, that's not cool which is no excuse really for doing that no but and people are sympathetic towards him as well i think he like dude he's popular you can get away with anything

i think that's the problem i think people being sympathetic to him is what's causing him to just relapse all the time i think it's all right i mean look at gaza gaza's in the same boat everybody loves gaza so anytime he goes out people are like Paul let me buy you a drink he goes I can't man I'm a fucking alcoholic I shouldn't be drinking

you know it's really bad for us and they're just like just have one just have one and then the next thing you know he's waking up in a gutter he's had like 20

he was in he was in Bournemouth where my sister lives oh man you don't believe what I did last night I don't know what accent this is I went to

Sentinelese Island man and I got stabbed in the leg mate I was like fucking I was playing footy with them I thought I could

convince them to come out be playing footy oh Jesus fucking Gaza oh my god that's the that's the accent

they have on that Indian Island off of India the society yes the brutal society yeah yeah that's how they have on that Indian island off of India. The society. The brutal society. Yeah, that's how they speak. That would be funny, actually, if they rocked up. Who are you?

And they're like, why, I'm man with a North Central Indian. He's like, just back off and there'll be no trouble. We should not love Gaza, though. Surely if we said to, like, beloved people, they would just be like, they couldn't possibly stab Gaza. Well, do you remember when he tried to break that siege? Do you remember this? No.

This was a few years ago. There was a guy, I think he was, God, who was he? He was like an ex-bodyguard or army or something. You have to look it up. And he'd hold himself up, and I can't remember if he was holding his wife hostage or something, or he was just in a field. It was kind of, it was a weird story.

It's one of those things that people probably haven't heard about now, but if you look back a few years... So Gazza goes down there, right? He just turns up with a roast chicken, like a rotisserie chicken that he's got from Tesco's, and some cans of beer, and he's like, just let us have a chat with Aladdin, we'll sort it all out. He's literally...

He just wants to go and break the siege. So what was this guy in Newcastle? What was just a hold-up in his house, was he? I'll try and find the details for you. police are like... So what was this guy in Newcastle? What was just a hold up in his house? Was he like... I'll try and find the details for you. Well, you carry on talking. Carry on talking. The police were like shooting away. It's bizarre.

But the guy was like, hold up. Oh yeah, here we go. On the 9th of July, 2010, Gascoyne appeared at the scene of the 10th standoff between the police and fugitive Raoul Mote, which is a bizarre name. Sounds like a Star Wars character. Raoul Mote. Does. Claiming to Sounds like a Star Wars character. Raoul Mote.

Does. Claiming to be a friend of Mote and stating that he'd brought him a can of lager, some chicken, a fishing rod, a Newcastle shirt, and a dressing gown. Oh, my God. Fucking hell. Was the siege broken off the back of that power play? They told him to fuck off.

Oh, my God. Yeah, no, the raul moat case 2010 so it's about eight years ago now uh nearly nine years ago so a lot of you youngins out there were probably just kids when it happened but if you want to have a look raul moot uh it's it's very strange he died sadly he got shot but oh god so i mean this isn't the first time like we've had situations of people on islands like because remember they used to be back up after world war well during world war ii the japanese dropped off loads of guys yeah and said you know defend this island you know here's two hand grenades and three clips good

luck kind of thing and it was like they like sometimes it was like the 90s when they were still going you know they were like they'd been killing people on that island for like 50 years. They thought that the war was still on and they were still defending it. Yeah, like their guns, they were trying to keep their guns still serviceable and everything. Yeah, it's crazy. When you watch documentaries and stuff, they make it seem like all of the tactics of war and the maneuvers and everything are so like tight, tightly controlled, perfectly executed and stuff like that.

It must be a fucking mess. Like consider your average person's ability to follow orders and do things competently. And that goes for soldiers as well. It must just be a fucking mess. Like I bet you people are just like shooting each other by accident all the time. Well, we see that in the news that it happens all the time, friendly fire and stuff like that. People are probably just deserting all the time. If they sent me out and they were like, yeah, go sweep this field, I'd be like, okay, and just walk the other way down the road and just integrate into French society or whatever.

Especially in a war where you've got conscription. Professional soldiers, obviously, they're trained and they're into it. But I doubt in Afghanistan the lads are kind of all over the shop. You know what I mean? It's organized. But when you've got millions of soldiers and you're like, right, we have to push that way, and everyone just goes, right you are, and they sort of, you know, you men stay here

and hold the corner of this field until you're relieved gotcha so they're just waiting and then the other guys like 10 miles down the road and they forgot to go and tell them did you guys tell uh section 14 that we need them to follow us oh no we forgot ah they'll be fine just leave them and these lads are there for like three days in a field thinking where the fuck are the boys and they're like no we were told to stay here we're gonna stay here okay we'll stay here and then eventually i guess they just go off with another unit years later they're still there it's like shooting at every farmer frenchman in a field do not go to the sauce fields it's crazy englishmen are still there but yeah the japanese guys i guess they just drop these lads off hold this island it's like a teeny

little island but the locals apparently would occasionally they'd notice that they were getting burglarized and robbed us up for food and equipment and stuff and the guys were just fucking living rough i mean honestly that's fucking hardcore and they have to go and find the guy's commanding officer wouldn't they and fly him out there to say rock rock star should make a game about that like that sounds that sounds perfect yeah no like it'd be like red dead redemption but you're on a little tiny japanese island you're you know you're you're a remnant of an outfit from world war ii and you're just holding out it's the year 2020 you're like 110 years old yeah you still got like old ass equipment

new campfires and stuff that'd be perfect so no they like flew out his old commander and stuff and who was like still alive he was like a fucking 90 year old like retired fisherman or whatever do you mean and he tried to talk him down but they didn't believe it and then they left loads of newspapers around they airdropped stuff you know the amount of effort they had to go through and it wasn't i mean in the 90s it was like sure it, it was just one or two crazy folk left. But in the 60s and 70s, 20 years after the war had finished, they were taking hundreds of people, whole sections off these islands. Because these islands were just so dense and jungled up.

How bored were those lands at that point? Yeah, and how did they like backfilling the ranks too because like some of them must have just gotten old and like that's it they weren't they couldn't battle anymore what did they have to like kidnap women and make make children and you know start their own society new soldiers to like oh my god that's how the senate senate police got started well yeah i'm sure it is they were just deaf to say defend that on this island and ever since they've got like uh they are it's obviously they developed a holy text that said and the lord said stay on this island don't let any fucker on if they bring you gifts bury them or burn them especially the pigs if you if someone ever gives you a pig stab it in the eye they're

like yeah they taught their kids and that's how they've raised them and if you ever see any metal make sure you bury it in the ground that's where it belongs you know what's interesting uh today we're talking about the war and today uh my eldest daughter did her class assembly nice and they're studying world war ii this term and stuff which is great i'm like really excited in her school work for the first time ever so we've got a new idea right kids we we've got this group of islanders they're not very friendly but they can't the thing is they can't stab kids right we're going to send you all to the island to make friends. All right? Because they're not going to spear you and bury you.

They wouldn't do that. They're not savages. So we're going to ship you off. And, you know, they're going to make friends. And then, you know, they'll integrate into society. You know, we'll be able to get them a dentist. Because currently they've been knocking their teeth out with a fucking ice rink skate shoe that we left them, you know, as a present.

An ice skate would be the... An ice skate. An ice rink shoe. Sorry, it's a kids' assembly. Go for it. So anyway, the assembly was about the evacuation of the kids from London, right? And it was 800,000 kids that they schlepped off to the countryside to go live on farms or,

you know, remote villages and stuff like that. And I'm thinking, how the fuck would that happen ever in a million years where you just get nearly a million kids and just give them to strangers who've said, yeah, we'll take a couple of kids. I mean, how would you trust anybody to just look after your kids? It was a different time. That seems like crazy, doesn't it? Pedophiles were very different back then, like the way they are now. Nowadays, it would just be like, oh, my God. They were more like gentleman pedos back then. They had a code of ethics is what you were employing.

That's right, yeah. But nowadays, they're just like animals. Like you can't trust anybody. Yet more evidence of the decay of society. You can't even trust the pedophiles anymore i mean no jesus god yeah even they don't even follow a code anymore it's like solo acts they're off the grid god yeah but yeah can you imagine that nowadays it wouldn't fucking happen ever no god no it would be a disaster if it did happen as well. God damn, it'd just be like, I feel like nowadays, anytime anybody or like any part of society that has to congregate into a large place together for whatever reason, forcefully because of like a natural disaster or whatever, just even worse shit ends up happening to them like they're probably better off just like you know slugging it out in their house flooded house or whatever you know what i mean like you hear about

like like hurricane katrina when they were all going to those arenas and stuff and people were getting like raped and stuff and you just think jesus christ like take a chance with nature right yeah i'd rather just take a chance with nature i, than be stuck in an arena with just like a bunch of fucking weirdos. You know what I mean? Like, God damn. Just drop them all off on an island. Can you think of one, Lewis? Yeah.

Does a specific island just spring to mind? It must be a lot of really cool stories from that. Because, I mean, the thing I remember from the evacuation is that there were these country gentlemen and women who had a big country house with about 15 rooms. And they were just,

oh yes, me and Alan live here on our own. Wasn't that the settings for bed knobs and broomsticks? We're doing our part to take in some children. Now we've taken in 65 children. That's filled one of the wings. And we're hoping that more will come down. They're really giving. That's filled one of the wings. And we're hoping that more will come down. They're really giving us a bit of life to the place.

I'm sure you're describing bed knobs and broomsticks. Like, I'm pretty sure that that's the setting of that whole movie. It's like kids that get shipped out to the countryside during the war and then have magical adventures on a flying bed. Yeah. No pedophiles, though. Well, the thing is, is like it is a different everyone's so terrified do you not think like it's a bit of a sensationalist thing or do you have to be terrified these days is it like what are the actual like there's a lot more sort of

like awareness of it it's like how many predators are there out there because the thing is like you guys hanging around waiting outside your kids schools everybody. Nowadays, everybody is a potential predator. Well, you're saying that we look like predators because we're men. Didn't you tell me that you both got accused of it, like, at one point? Or, like, at least, like, were someone suspicious of you? I've never been accused of being a pedophile. I think that's the last thing that you want to have happen to you as a parent. Yeah, that's a brush that sticks.

I certainly wouldn't wear that as a badge of honor. But at least, sorry, maybe not accused, but like your head you were like man i look a bit like a pedo here waiting outside this park yeah i mean like i've been at playgrounds before and you definitely get people giving you an eyeball like who's this guy so occasionally i'll just summon my kids over to say like you never do you just get like that you get that knowing smile from other moms and dads like i don't want to fucking be here. And you're like, yeah, me too. Yeah, exactly.

But that's when they know that you're with the kids. Like if you've been sat there, I was sitting there, my kids are off playing, I'm reading the paper. Or I'm on my phone, which I'm always worried about. If I'm on my phone in the playground, people are thinking, is he taking pictures of the kids? Like it is, as a bloke, you are more likely, rightly so, to be accused or to be under suspicion for sure. And especially, I mean, if you're sitting on the bench staring at kids and sweating and you've got like headphones on and there's no kids with you or other people with you, that probably looks a little bit suspect.

Yeah, it probably doesn't look great. But if you're just like standing around looking bored, like minding your kids while they play with other kids and stuff, I don't think people generally perceive you as a threat i think they just think oh yeah there's too many there's too many dads around nowadays that actually do stuff you know what i mean like hands-on dad's actually taking their kids to the playground it's not like the old days when you just never saw men around kids unless they were literally quite obviously men didn't even men didn't even like go to the um to the birthing of the child did they they would just turn up up at 9 o'clock at night after their fucking 14-hour shift at the box factory. Oh, yeah, nice. And then go home and collapse in bed.

Good job, honey. Another one. Another goddamn mouth to feed. You did it again. Daughter, throw it away. Get back in the bed and make me a son. Times have definitely changed like back then dads didn't really stay like flax you're you're a stay-at-home dad i am for all intents and purposes

i guess like that didn't really happen a lot back then i'm sure it did a little bit but um it's definitely a lot more common now as if as if i'm somehow kind of a stay-at-home but i mean you still let you stream and stuff like you do Yeah, but only when they're not here. ...casting. Yeah, I know, but you're still, like, you're not, like... Yeah, that's true. You've got stuff on the side. You're not, like, just a full-time stay-at-home dad. Stuff on the side. Don't tell my wife about that,

alright? Shit. You know, she started listening to the podcast. Did I tell you guys that? Really? Yeah, she's, like, a year behind. Okay. I'm trying to think. Did we say anything about her? That's what I was like. I was Really? Yeah, she's like a year behind. Okay. I'm trying to think. Did we say anything about her? That's what I was like. I was like, oh my God, what have I said?

So she just got to the episode where I really flamed my mom's dog. This was like March of much earlier this year, I think. Wasn't that last week? I'm sure that was last week. That was after Christmas, wasn't it? No, no, no. That was when she first got it

and we went on holiday with the little fucker. This is about the fact that she's getting rid of it. And so that was an update on Doggate. All right. This is interesting. So what does your wife... Your wife has never met me or Lewis before. She's met Lewis.

I've met. Oh, yeah. Oh, wait. At Comic-Con. Yeah, at a convention. I was going to... Yeah. I was wondering, like, how that happened.

Because I haven't met your wife. I mean, you know. Not officially. Not that you know of. Not that I know. Yeah. yeah at a convention i was gonna yeah i was wondering like how that happened because i i haven't met your wife i mean you know not officially you know not that i know yeah not that you know of yeah yeah so what so what does she think that as a as a person um listening to the podcast for the first time i'm interested to know what her take on it is does she like i know she's probably biased a little bit because you're in it no if anything that would make her like it less right um so i was actually kind of surprised that she enjoyed it and she said i listened to your podcast and i was like here we go and she was like it was pretty funny and pretty funny i was like okay so then she started listening to them all and now like she's a she's a loyal viewer you know a listener like she listens to them all so does

she have it on like while she's at work and stuff she just I think she listens to it when she's commuting right um and I think she probably listens to it when she's in she has like a lab at work where she does some of her work like a computer lab yeah um so I think she probably listened to it when she's in there um but yeah she does listen to it so hey hey love love you hey well you this will be like she'll be getting around to this in about a year. Like how often does she listen to one? Every day? I'm not sure. I mean, she's caught up enough that she's only a year behind now.

And as we were saying before the podcast started, we started in March of 2016. Yeah. So two years and eight months. Where do you think we're going to be in like five years time? Do you ever think about that? In the next five years? What do you think you're going to be? Do you think we're just going to be doing what we're doing now?

I think people are going to come by and people are going to be like, you can stop doing this, you know? You don't have to do this anymore. Yeah, our commanding officer will turn up. Gentlemen, you're relieved. It's Gaza. Gaza's going to turn up. Gaza.

Hey, man. I bought you some chicken. Now we've got a chicken and a fish and we're on a fucking dressing room. Chicken and bread. You don't have to do this anymore, man. You're doing it. You're breaking yourself. You should make like a Dota hero about Gazza.

Siege breaker. Just running around with a chicken and a couple of tins. Why, I love it. His voice lines. Get Gazza just mumbling. Yeah, yeah. He's fucking great.

I fucking love it. He's great. And Dota, have a bit of chicken. He never hurts anybody. He just falls over drunk often. You can't kill him. He's unkillable.

It does an AOE stun. He just falls over. First of all, right, I'd love it if Sips met your wife and he was like, oh my God. And she was like, Chris? And he was like, Mrs. Flex? I reckon...

And then they had this reunite and they were like, you know, and you were like, wow. Could reckon and then they like had this reunite and they were like you know and you were like wow could you imagine could you imagine if you knew each other

because that does happen they had a thing somehow long ago I love seeing those things like there were these kids I would hate seeing that because it would be

the end of my life you understand that that my wife would leave me for six that would be it specifically but I like these coincidences that happen where people reunite after like long times apart right so for example like uh there was this there's a bunch of them but there was like couples that got married

that then found that when they looked through family photos they'd either been like in the same disneyland at the same time when they were four or like they'd been, you know, related somehow or been involved somehow. Um, I love seeing that stuff. Like there were these two kids who grew up, um,

like two Chinese twins. I think it was separated and given like, um, adoption. Uh, one of them went to Norway and one of them went to Canada or somewhere and they reunited after a long time. Right.

There's all these amazing stories about people like rediscovering things from their past here's one from March of this year so interesting married couple discover they were pictured in same photo 11 years before they met so they were both at something in China I think it is wow and uh there's a big thing she's having her picture taken in front of it and circled in the background is this lad having his picture taken on the same day at the same time and then 11 years later they got they met and got married pretty crazy pretty crazy sometimes this happens though like you bump into someone at like an event or some somewhere who you've met before. And back before, I mean, I think it was like,

I remember I was on holiday in Italy or something. And it just so happened that our cleaning lady at the time was on holiday as well. And we hadn't known this and she hadn't known this. And she was at the same place and we were bumped into her and we were like, Jean? What's going on? Jean! That was her name.

And she was like an old dear. But it was so weird that like we saw our cleaning lady out of as a kid anyway like it was weird to see

this like woman who came around for like you know half an hour to help out mum every day you know

to be like but you get that, right? You've had those moments in your life where you've met or bumped into someone in a kind of small world. It's always a small world, isn't it? I read this thing the other day about this. I think it was a guy and his daughter, but his daughter was like 50 and he was like 80 or something. And I think they were watching some like remembrance day thing. Uh, and there was some footage of, they did this, like this thing where it was like, you know, women and women's role in the, in the army or whatever. And, um, they had some footage of, um, women parachuting out of

like planes and stuff. And so they had like this old footage and this woman's like smiling and waving to the camera and stuff and then you know jumps out of plane parachutes or whatever and so this guy and the daughter watching and the guy was like oh my fucking god that i can't believe it that's your mom and then the and the daughter's like what are you serious like the daughter never met the mom. Like she like, cause the mom passed away when she was like, like just after she was born or something like that. And they had no, they didn't have any pictures of her. And they certainly never had like any like, you know, live footage of her or anything

either. So the guy had to like write into the, I think it was like the BBC or whatever and say like, oh my God, do you have any more of this archive footage? Like my daughter's never seen her mom before and they sent it to her and she was crying and stuff and that's kind of weird imagine like never meeting your mother ever because she died soon after you were born and then seeing like uh footage of her just like you know because you probably look a lot like her too right like probably look like their parents so it'd be like looking at a different you or something i don't know this is this is interesting because last

week yeah this podcast is like it's like the a bunch of ley lines meeting up once a week and all the threads of my life uh yeah not that they're de-unraveled whatever collected anyway i went to the national archives on a school trip fuck me no way that's insane yep pretty crazy pretty crazy they've got all family records and shit there that's why i thought of it oh yeah but yeah maybe it's less interesting than it sounded in my head no no no sorry i was just joking around just carry on you know you went to the archives what was the point you've thrown me you've thrown me what was the purpose what was the sir what was the purpose of your visit to the archives it was a school trip oh all right okay that's it and uh did you find out anything i guess like um you you guys are you guys are

are proper british boys right so you might have like ancestors that date back yeah probably a real real long ass way back right i was there to help the teachers out because they have to get the kids from the school to the archives and they we have to use public transport to do it so it's like 30 kids two teachers so they get roping some parents to just corral the kids yeah help them out and also because one of the kids you're assigned is your own kid you actually give a shit you know you're like really looking after the kids you're like don't go over there don't touch that be careful you know yeah no we always tend to go along to those because we just think like you know it just gives us an excuse to watch over our our

kid and make sure he's not like you know doing stupid stuff and getting exactly so but it was interesting and they they were teaching the kids about world war ii and they had to do like this little investigation they were given all these materials to research and stuff like that. And they were all copies of these actual MI5 files. Now, kids, I need you to look up that moment when the war was really going badly. But we sent in Gaza. Because there were a load of guys holed up. And he came along. And I believe he had a chicken.

A rotisserie chicken. A fishing pole. A dressing gown., a dressing gown and a dressing gown. And he single-handedly made friends with all the German soldiers. The German high command. So, Herr Gazza,

what do you have for us? Hey lads, I've got some chicken and a fishing pole. How about that Russian invasion? Let's call it off, eh? You make interesting points, Herr Gasser. Let us open one of these tinnies and sit around. We will open the tinny and consume it with you, Herr Gasser. Hey, lads, let's get the fucking party started right now.

That would have been something. Can you imagine if they looked back at old archive footers and were like, is that Gaza? He's just the same age he is now. Dressed the same, walking around throughout history. You look back in time and like every great negotiator is some form of Gaza. They're like, I'm pretty sure that's

a representation in Sanskrit and hieroglyphs of Gaza. Pretty sure it's Gaza. Is that man holding a chicken? Is that a fishing pole? It's like cave paintings. And then they find out, they look in the Dead Sea Scrolls. We keep seeing this word come up, Gaza, Gaza.

But it turns out it's Gaza. It was Gaza. And it's got a parable in here about him feeding 3,000 people with a chicken and some tinnies. How did he do it? And Jesus was meant to hang out with a lot of fishermen. That's why he had the, that's why he got the pool, lads. Hey, Peter, I heard you like fishing, mate. I brought a fucking fishing pool and some chicken and a few titties.

You'll love it. Such a divine being. Yeah, he's such a... Holy Gaza. Such an inspiration. Shit, sorry. So you're at the National Archives. What's that like?

What is it? It's a huge building, right? It's a huge building. It's a government building. Whenever people say National Archives, yeah, I always think of that scene from Indiana Jones. Exactly.

And they actually have stuff like that. Now that's all underground. So imagine the overground bit is like a massive library full of old people looking up their family history and hoping they relate to someone famous, I guess. I mean, that's how it seems. It was all old people. That's worth doing now, though, because they have that show on TV, you know, the air one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, you know, you might be able to inherit some serious money, like, if they, you know, if you keep your records straight.

So, there are, like, groups of people there. There's the money-grubbing old people hoping they're related to someone famous and rich. Then you've got the actual historians and history students who are researching for papers and books and stuff. And then you've got, like, school trips and things like that. So, underneath the National Archives, they have these huge rooms that are, like, the size of, like, two football pitches or something stupid like that. Huge, huge these huge rooms that have like the size of like two football pitches or something stupid like that huge huge huge rooms full full of these boxes these filing boxes that are full of papers and the woman said to us the woman shown us around now children and I consider myself one of the kids at this point how many boxes do you think there are down there in the archives so you

guys have a guess oh how many boxes yes 1 million 377.52935 i bought my underpants at kmart it's a good guess lewis i can't put that many like i'd say like like 200 000 boxes right it's 11 million boxes yeah 11 million boxes but they keep like one of everything don't they they have a lot of down there they have henry the eighth's will the actual will of henry they have like these gigantic books filled with like one of each type of flour pressed and preserved like you know they like coffee beans they have a whole book filled with like every coffee bean ever found there's like a sample of the coffee bean and like like everything there's like there's probably one with just like grains of sand, different grains of sand from like different beaches and stuff.

I don't think they do in the National Archives. I don't think they do at the actual... They got the Bodega book. They're the only ones who have. They got that Yogscast annual from way back when and all the calendars and stuff too. They got a Horse Attend Me t-shirt down there as well. They got the original Doomsday book.

Duncan's Park, they got one of those me t-shirt down there as well they got the original doomsday book duncan's park they got one of those two horse attend me yeah so shit man i want to go to nashville i want to look at my family history i want to find out like you can do it if there's anything interesting you don't even need to go lewis you can do it from the comfort of your own home you go to familytree.org uh and if you pay a subscription of uh 28.99 per month um to browse through their extensive database by the way we are not sponsored by them it's a wonderful tool very easy to use it's designed so that old people can uh can use it you know they're not savvy on the net they don't know the memes or anything they can get on there a couple keystrokes later a few clicks and uh you're related to uh

marlon brando and uh you're probably you can edit it you can edit it yourself so you can just add your edit your family it's like wikipedia but you can yeah you can just add in whatever you want so like i've changed myself to be related to a lad called paul gascoigne is a historical figure right yeah he lived a long time ago his family crest is just simply uh a silhouette of a man holding a chicken with a big holding a chicken in a big beer gut just like tears just trickling down each side and uh the latin motto is why i lads which is a latin saying which means why i lads it's a direct translation so listen i started watching uh the

ballad of buster scruggs on netflix yesterday uh it's a movie because the name was so bad it's a coen brothers netflix movie i guess but it's like uh it's got like a little it's like mini stories there's like they pitched it like i mini stories. There's like six. They pitched it like, I think, as six one-off, like half an hour episodes. But I think it got some, for some reason along the way, they were like, oh,

can't you just make it into a movie? You know, you're the Coen brothers. You make movies, you don't make TV shows. Yeah. And so they were like, oh,

okay. I think it could have worked as longer episodes. But in saying that, they're quite enjoyable in their short format too. They're excellent. It's well done. Yeah, it's really well done yeah it's

really i enjoyed it i'm about halfway through i just got to the end of i don't want to spoil i got to the end of the uh one with liam neeson in it which was an interesting one yeah and i'm just about to start on the next one i love all the coen brothers movies though like oh brother we're out there is one of my favorite movies of all time it's just a great that's one of my favorite movies of all time. Really? It's just a great, great... That's one of my least favorite of theirs. George Clooney. It's great. I remember being a teenager and my friend just like rabbiting on about that movie incessantly. Like he was like a big like, you know, film buff guy.

Like, you know, he just thought he was better than everybody else because he read like The Onion and stuff. Which was great. I loved The Onion. Yeah, yeah yeah absolutely but like so he was like you know this movie is hilarious we're gonna watch you gotta watch it and we were all like super tired and we watched it and nobody liked it and he got really mad at us and like but we almost made it a point not to like it because he'd hyped it up so much

you ever get that never do that i mean uh it's not actually isn't the best movies now i think about it but I mean I remember it fondly George Clooney was in it right a good time yeah yeah yeah yeah

I mean the Co-Brothers have made a lot of cool movies you know Fargo The Big Lebowski No Country for Old Men like great great movies

yeah and I always watch everything they do because it's worth just absolutely fucking seeing what they got planned

because it's a bit different The Matrix you know The Matrix as well. That other anime one they made too. Yeah. Matrix 2. The Matrix 3.

You know, William H. Macy, the actor who was in Fargo, he was Jerry, what's his name, Jerry Lundegard, who was in Fargo. He said that their style of directing, like actors, is that you'll do the scene and they'll just say, you know, I really like that part where you smiled at the end there and that was a really good take. Okay, let's do it again.

And they just sort of, they just praise you and then ask you to do it again. They don't say, no, no, no. It's more like this. And so they just tell you what they really liked and then just say, yeah, run it, do it again. You're just like, okay, so what did I do wrong so i get the feeling that they just have like an immense amount of takes and then they just sort of sift through all the footage in the end and just like pick

you know the best one like i don't know some because like it just i don't know their stuff is is super watchable like it's not it's not like super high octane but it's just i don't know there's just something about it. It's very watchable. I mean, their dialogue is always very good. And I think they always choose good actors. Like good actors is a huge part of their movies. Yeah.

I think makes it. I mean, if you think about like No Country for Old Men, Javier Bardem is Anton Chigurh, right? And he's brilliant. He's like this otherworldly creepy guy, does a brilliant performance, but then, what the hell, I can never remember his name. I always want to call him Matt Boner, but I know that's not his name.

The guy who played George W. Bush in the George W. Bush movie, I'm sure he was Thanos in the Avengers movie. The fuck is the actor's name? It's not Matt Boner. Matt Boner. Here, I i got you i got you here it's josh brolin josh brolin right not matt boner josh brolin that does sound such like a american joke name it does matt josh brolin so josh brolin so i thought he was really good in it and kelly

mcdonald was his wife she was really good it's just it's just really really good actors but i don't know like even um what's his name the guy uh woody harrelson mark ruffalo wasn't it ryan reynolds he wasn't in it either benicio del toro benicio del toro he wasn't in it i watched sicario 2 which is a sequel to Sicario 1. And it was not good. I don't recommend it. That sounds like a fucking bloody Jason Statham. Sicario? Did you not see the original Sicario? Is it like an American version of Jason Statham?

No, no, no, no. So you should definitely watch Sicario. I'm a man at the end of my tether. I've been set on a mission. I'm retired, but I've had to come back because these bloody islanders have been throwing spears at pigs and stuff so i'm going in just what me on me own i'm gonna fucking teach you what do you think you're doing that's my pig ran up the pigs that ain't been speared and get them in the back of the fucking van

no it's not got jason statham in it's not an action movie sicario is a really really good movie i recommend it sicario 2 the opposite it's it's a really bad movie but um it's got some good action sequences in i guess if you like it's just completely plot free mindless but yeah it's really bad but the first one is good oh by the way that guy that went to the north central islands was trying to teach him about jesus oh god oh shit right i mean i don't think they react too great to that you know like i don't you know we understand jesus right like it's you know it's it's something that in our society and stuff it's you know it's it's easy to pick up and get some context for jesus and whatever but like if you don't know anything about, you know,

society or whatever, you've been living on an island, somebody comes over and they try to tell you about Jesus, you're just going to be like, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, like we have a big dung heap in the center of the island that we worship. Like, I don't know who Jesus is. So get out of here with that noise. If God really wanted to contact these people, he probably would put a land bridge in place. You know what I mean? I mean, 30,000 years before anyone had even started writing about this monotheistic God,

these people end up on this island, and this lad thinks it's his fucking calling to go and tell them about Jesus. What a fucking ego this guy's got. I wonder if those islanders believe that the ego this guy's got. I wonder if those islanders believe that the world is flat as well. I wonder if they think about it often. I mean, they probably don't think about anything. They must see planes flying over. They live between Thailand and India and Indonesia. I mean, sure, they must see planes all the time. Every once in a while, I mean, there's a lot of garbage in the sea. Every once in a while, something must wash up, right? No wonder they throw it all away. They're like like this shit washes up on the shore and gets tangled on our delicious went down to the beach and then

just perchance just like thousands of inflatable sex dolls washed up on the shore that would be something that would really be something alongside this horde of sex dolls a single waterproof bible washes up and they're like yes throw that out of here fuck those dolls right now oh my god but look the fucking ego in this guy he wants to go and tell them he's yelling my name is john i love you and jesus loves you and they shot him with arrows and they shot his bible with an arrow and then he went back and they shot him again and killed him they gave him enough warnings yeah don't fucking come to the island and shout about jesus you're a fucking idiot what are you doing i feel like they did

give him warnings i mean they shot him and he like web he got he got arrow injuries but he came back the next day i mean listen to this this is from his diary are you ready for this this is from his diary this is him writing to god in his diary, as if God's going to read his diary. No one reads other people's diaries. Dear diary. Yeah. Brackets, God. If you're reading this, and I hope you're not,

because that would be kind of a betrayal of the whole diary trust thing, but I know you probably are. People who read other people's diaries are school children reading Anne Frank's diary, right? Yeah, pedophiles reading... Fucking mums reading their teenage daughter's diaries you know but here's what he wrote this is him writing to god in his diary this is this is unintentionally hilarious i think if you want me to get actually shot or even killed with an arrow then so be it i think i could be more useful alive though he's like bargaining yeah i don't

want to die would it be wiser to leave and let someone else continue? No, I don't think so. Shot out again by the natives on the island. Chad is so gross. Ew. Such a weird ball sack. Yuck. Ew.

Disgusting. Ew. Dear diary, Gazzer is now on Love Island. He's a bit old for me. If this guy offers me another chicken, I'm just going to scream my head off. Ew, I hate chicken. I am going to barf everywhere. Ew. So grody.

He's wearing his dressing gown again. It's like really thin and you can see his hairy ball sack swinging on the bottom. And it tasted dreadful. Gross.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Hey, so listen, your weekly update of The Apprentice, somebody else was kicked out alan sugar laid on another um treat for the i'm laying on a tree you know what i'm saying to my wife yesterday because she was like would you ever be tempted to go on the apprentice i said no and

she's like well why not i said because i i that that show is designed to just make you look like an idiot yeah they're gonna edit it to make you look like an idiot no matter what. They're going to make you look super fucking incompetent, right? Even if you are like even somewhat competent. That's very easy for us, though, to be fair. And the other thing as well, even worse than that, is I would dread winning any of the tasks because I would fucking hate to go on the shit that Alan Sugar lays out for them as

a treat. I mean, that would just suck balls hard. I would not want to. I laid on a delicious spread here. They act like kids as well, like they're so excited to go rock climbing and you just think, fuck me, just send me. I just want to go back to the house and sleep. This week, I've laid on a trip

to North Central Island for you. It's a tropical paradise I do not want to go wine tasting with all of these other contestants and stuff No way, just let me go back to the house And they're all still being filmed, so they're all still acting like cunts Yeah, so that's my main reason

for not wanting to be on that show I would say, given that people like Katie Hopkins have been former contestants the standard of human being that you get on those shows is probably miserably low they just be stuck living with them for months on end i would genuinely rather live with the north sentinels so the task yesterday was they had to sell art they have this one every year right so they had to meet the artists they had to negotiate like a commission for selling the art and stuff and they had to pick what art they thought would would be would sell the best and everything and then you know of course none of them knew anything about art but they're all

very good at emulating every fucking stereotype they've ever seen in like a movie or tv show based around making money and doing business and stuff so they were all fucking talking like all of this shit about art to these people like doing like a hard sales and stuff oh fuck i don't even know why i watch that show i don't i want all my time back yeah it's like eight weeks i've been watching this show and it makes me increasingly angry every time i watch it it's crazy maybe don't watch it next week see if no i will for sure watch it is it like the thing i think i read about people who can taste more bitterness get more hooked on coffee right it's like the people who

like should like coffee the least actually get hooked on it more oh maybe i don't like that yeah it's like that feeling that it gives you of frustration and anger you just keep coming back though i can't drink coffee anymore so i don't i haven't drunk it in why what happened it makes me shit a lot well i thought it was your heart thing no no it's just the shitting i got sick of it all right okay every time i had a coffee i was just pooping I was like jeez this is crazy I think it's the coffee and I stopped drinking coffee and haven't had a poop

in two years it's going alright nice damn maybe you got like a really bad blockage you know like if you get really blocked up

and it can't come out the back passage I could do a coffee sometimes it comes out your mouth oh does it really yeah a friend of mine

works as a nurse and she said she was working with some old people and she said that one of these old guys hadn't had a poop in months and when he finally went it was the size of his pillow that's how much poop came out that is just fucking disgusting i know fucking what man i've taken a couple of those i've said that though and i'm regular like twice twice a day yeah and some sometimes they're huge. I'm just like, what the hell did I eat?

Made this poop so big. Well, you know, you guys are... We haven't mentioned poop until right at the end of the podcast, just as a reminder to everybody. But essentially, poop and dicks and stuff like that, that's pretty much the focus. We mentioned ball sacks earlier. That's right.

Yeah, we did get some ball sacks in there. That's true. Well, there you go. That was the podcast. Thank you for listening, everyone. Yeah. See you all next week. Oh, so good. I know. We're so regular.

Just like my pillow poops. Just like poops. Peace out. Love you a lot. Bye.