Triforce! - Triforce! #87: Marie Kondon't Give a Crap

Episode Date: January 23, 2019

Triforce! Episode 87! We're back in 2019! Does that spark joy? I DON'T CARE. Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. Happy New Year. It's 2019. Well, it's almost February actually so I mean like when this podcast is going out Happy February. It's um, how you guys doing? February's not very long obviously because it's got like a couple of days off and then you know we're plowing into the year We're like bam!

Give it a good old fucking plow that year Plowing. More like erotic than I had planned Just smashing. You know what I did last weekend? I fucking plowed your year. You fucking bitch. Plowed right into that year. Plowed the fuck out of your year.

Your fucking year was fucking loving it. Your year hasn't been plowed that hard since 2012, I'll tell you what. Yeah, that was a good year. 2012 was a vintage year, I'd say. I don't even remember it. I can't even remember what happened in 2012. Talking of vintage years, Sips posted a flipping picture of his student ID from 1996. You look like a GI heading out to Vietnam.

I got the student card from 97 as well, but I think in 97 I must have changed wallets or something. Because the 97 student card is very like not grimy but you know when you have something in your wallet and your wallet's always in your back pocket and you sit on it all the time yeah it's got like that fade on it sort of thing so it's harder to take a picture thing is that when i was in high school they didn't have digital cameras so every picture i have of myself from an early age is a developed photo in an album somewhere in my mom's house that I have no access to. It's weird because you know that the 2009, 2019 thing that's been going around on Twitter and everything like that. I don't have that many pictures from 2009 like of me.

I mean, I haven't changed much since 2009 because i wasn't 12 in 2009 right exactly i was like here's me with slightly more hair yeah so i thought i thought i'd go back to 1999 but yeah i hit the same wall which is i didn't have a fucking just both still the same just exactly the same problem yeah just a big afro but you just look the same you're like um patrick stewart p flex that's the thing you know you do you look ageless because you because the hair is such a big part of your appearance that when you don't have any like you just don't appear to age list have you seen him recently looks old as fuck motherfuckers aging yeah like well he is like 80 years old now i I mean, come on.

And he looks it, which makes your point fucking ridiculous. Totally moot. Well, I said no, I still reckon he could pull off the old Captain Picard. When did he do Captain Picard? How long ago was that? They're redoing it, aren't they? They're doing like a reunion something or other, aren't they?

Yeah. This is what they do with Star Trek. If you think about the Star Trek movies, wasn't there a simpsons episode star trek 11 so very tired i think is what it's called something and they're all like really old like captain klingons off the starwood bow again with the klingons you know it's just like the same shit they're all done with it yeah 87 was when he started doing next Generation. God damn. I know. That's like 30 years ago. Over 30 years ago. That was some fucking ahead of its time TV.

I was just going to say, yeah, it's impressive that that came out in 87. That's nuts. Because most TV in the 80s, I hate to break it to you, kids, was fucking awful. It was pretty bad, yeah. It was really fucking bad. I remember it fondly, but it was pretty bad. But like the a team and night those were in kids shows they were prime time shows mash remember tour of duty did you ever

see that one tour of duty filmed in some guy's backyard yeah pretty much yeah yeah i remember a team and then they had like dynasty and dallas and all those as well they were all on by the way we haven't done the podcast in a while we've've gone straight into nostalgia. Straight back to the 80s. Straight back. You didn't have phones. We had paper cuts. Okay, well, so let's talk about something recent then.

What have you guys been doing post? We don't need to talk about the holidays because everybody just does the same shit all the time, right? We don't need to talk about that. What have you done since? What have you done in 2019

of any note whatsoever? I got one. Okay. Listen to this, all right? It ends in a tragedy as well. This is quite the tale. So in 2019, from New Year's Eve, when the clock ticked over to 2019, I played Dota, okay? I played Dota. I played 13 games of Dota, and I won them all, okay? Did you win? played dota i played 13 games of dota and i won them all okay i was on a huge win streak for 2019 nobody had ever beaten me in 2019 and then i made the mistake of joining a game with cock wobble

meister and now and now my my perfect record has been tarnished i've got one loss and i haven't played since it hit me hard this was maybe a week ago. Why did you play with Kock Wobblemaster? He's like as bad as he gets. I've been playing an anime gacha game as well, which has taken up a lot of my time. But yeah, I don't know why I did. It was a low prio game as well. Oh, my God. Even worse.

I know. It was like a single draft. And, you know, every time you get into a single draft you know that the that the enemy team is going to luck out and get their favorite heroes because these guys stomped the shit out of us like it was crazy it was so so disheartening so i haven't played since oh i'm so glad i quit what'd you do lulu i've played so many different games over the last like because i've been going through all these top games of 2018, right? I've been playing all the best games from 2018.

And, man, there's some amazing games out there, some really, really interesting, fun, like, genres, like, point and clicks. And, you know, there's, like, mystery games and platformers and puzzle games and strategy games and, like, iPhone games and VR stuff. Like, I've just been playing a whole mix. That new Imperator Rome game by Paradox is awesome. Have you guys seen any of the dev stuff about it? Fuck, it looks really good.

It looks good. I love that era. Did you watch some movies? I watched a movie yesterday on Netflix for some reason. I watched a movie. I just had it on in the background while I was playing other stuff. It was called Christine, right? And it was about Christine Chubbuck.

And I recognized her name. Who? I recognized her name a little bit, but I didn't know why. Christine Chungus? Christine Chubbuck. She was famous because she, in the 70s. In the 70s. our book she was like famous because she uh in the 70s she in in the 70s when like a little bit like oh i'm reading it yeah i've seen this she was the first person to commit suicide on live tv

ever christine whatever well i mean i assume there's not actually that many people who've committed suicide live on TV. Christine, in a film based on true events, an awkward but ambitious TV reporter struggles to adapt when she's ordered to focus on violent and salacious stories. Yes, that's the thing that we were talking about already. Like, you know, back when Sips was in Vietnam, when that picture was taken, you know, the press was all, like, hungry for crap and drivel and salacious stuff, you know, sex sales and all this. It's a big time.

You know, journalism always has to strive and fight against the increment, you know, the tabloidy crap. Yeah. Christine Chubbuck. Oh, yeah. 29-year-old television reporter, Sarasota, Florida. It's quite a sad story, really. Yeah, that's tragic. It was a bit tragic.

And I enjoyed it. I've been watching tons of shitty movies. And it wasn't a great movie, honestly. I'd give it like a fucking solid 4 out of 10. But I felt like when I was watching it, I was like, I'm like P-Flax now. Because P-Flax just turns on the TV and watches whatever crap movies on that day, right? Whereas I'm the same. I just click on whatever Netflix like shits out at me that day

What are you saying? Just leave it on the background. You're saying I'm not a selective viewer that I just watch whatever? He watches whatever crap is on. He's one of those- It's nice though sometimes. But why are you throwing me under that bus? I'm not throwing you under the bus. You did. You said I watch TV like P-flax. I just watch any old shit. Where i just watch any old shit it's easy to just scapegoat a dad that's why you know they

don't they have no feelings they don't do anything interesting you know they just watch whatever crap is on tv they don't even look at the ratings on rotten tomatoes before they watch something tell me a movie that you feel the last two days, P-Flex. Last two days? I watched a Harry Potter movie with my kids, but I've been away for a week and a half, so I haven't been doing movie watching. But I did watch Bird Box before I went away.

Okay. That's the one I saw that. That's Sandra Bullock blindfolds herself and does stuff. That's exactly it. That's a good summary. Actually, when I came down to Bristol for Christmas, I bought the book because I needed something to read when I was not working with you guys and it was in the hotel room.

So I read it and it's a real easy read. It's quite badly written. And oddly enough, I hadn't seen this done before. The book ends and then there's like another 30, 40 odd pages and you're like, what's all this? It must be like fucking the author going on and on and on about the book ends and then there's like another 30 40 odd pages and you're like what's all this it must be like a fucking the author going on and on and on about the book whatever he's like stuck another short story at the back so i i was like what the fuck it was terrible yeah the short story was awful i got a part way through i was like this is garbs and threw it away but it was like what why on earth would you cheat me by giving selling me a book

called bird box and then the last like eighth of the book ain't bird box it's just some other shit why on earth would you cheat me by selling me a book called Bird Box, and then the last eighth of the book ain't Bird Box, it's just some other shit. It's Bird Brained, is what the last eighth of the book is. I felt cheated. Well done. I felt cheated. Do you reckon they had to do that to pad it out to the recommended novel length? Exactly. Or else the book would be too thin and people wouldn't buy it?

Why is it called Bird Box? So it's basically, the gist of it is that there are these creatures or something we're not quite sure what but if you look at them you go kick crazy and either kill yourself or the people around you and then yourself right so there's something some entity uh that is out there and if you see it you you go bonkers right oh so it's like a sci-fi sort of thing yeah sort of worlds over kind of you know that kind of right um i thought it was like i because my wife was telling me about she's like this there's this fucking stupid ass like netflix i don't know what they're doing like why is sandra

bullock going around with the blindfold on doing stuff and then it's almost like you would need to watch the movie they had to release a statement that said don't fucking go around with a blindfold on in your everyday life because it's dangerous as well so i i thought it was like oh you're right the movie they had to release a statement that said don't fucking go around with a blindfold on in your everyday life because it's dangerous as well so i i thought it was like oh you're right story of a person who decided to do everything challenge the bird blindfold on or something yeah i thought it was like a real life so no no it's like no it's so the gist of it is you have to wear a blindfold because if you look at them even if you look at video footage of them you go nuts so the bird box is because they have a box with some birds in it and the birds go if something comes close so they thought it would act as like a sort of a warning system

right um it seems that it sounds similar to like uh the the quiet place remember we saw that it is it is a little bit similar to the quiet place or A Quiet Place, but it's different. A Quiet Place was a lot better. I thought that movie was great. It was one of those movies that I went into with no expectations whatsoever. I didn't know what it was about. I didn't know who was in it. I didn't know anything about it.

I just got dragged to the movie theater by two guys who were like, yeah, let's watch this. And I was pleasantly surprised i thought it was pretty good yeah it was good so it's similar-ish i guess in that it's like a family end of the world some monsters but honestly the the book for bird box isn't great it's like it's okay and the film is is pretty bad like i don't know why it's it's so widely watched i think because he's got sandra bullock and she's got a blindfold on and you want to be like why is she wearing a blindfold so you kind of watch it to see what's up but it's right I mean it's pretty bad honestly and they they missed out a lot of stuff that made the book actually quite good and creepy

they just kind of it was just kind of garbs but anyway um so that was probably the last film I watched I don't recommend it in all honesty uh but actually actually the last film I did watch was True Sight the new episode of Trueesight the uh the Dota movie which is about um how OG won TI8 right so that was where I was I for the last week and a half I was in I was in Bucharest for for about eight days doing there was a tournament there um and then after that I went to Copenhagen uh got back yesterday and I was was the co host of the premiere in the palace theater in Copenhagen. And I was the stage host. Wow, with Casey, and we introduced the film, everybody watches the film. And then we got the team on the

stage. And we interviewed them for about half an hour. I had questions from the audience and stuff like that. And yeah, it was cool. That was what I did. And that was why there was that guy that posted that picture, I retweeted it where he said, met PFLAX today. And it was like a Reddit thread. And it wasn't me. That's hilarious. It was just some motherfucking guy.

It looks so much like you as well. It's nothing like me. But, you know, like, it was a bald guy with glasses, basically. And it was just quite funny. Yeah, he was like, PFLAX. But the guy played along with it. So he was, you know, the guy that thought it was me was chatting to this guy yeah and the other guy was like pretending to be me he was just going along with it was this just in copenhagen so the guy must have been at the premiere in the background

i wish i had been that would have been a fucking funny picture but no but yeah so that was the last film that i watched um and i it was great honestly it was a really nice copenhagen's beautiful hanging out with all the valve guys is really cool and the movie's amazing even if you don't like uh Dota I recommend watching it um it's really really interesting to see the uh inside the booth during this game and see how the two teams talk to each other and what they say about the other teams and stuff and then for the key moments of the games, they've got these little Source Filmmaker clips that run to sort of explain what was happening and to show the action.

So rather than just always show the in-game action, sometimes they have these SFM movies, and that adds to the hype. It's really, really cool. It's really cool. So yeah, that was worth doing. So you actually did something kind of cool in 2019 so far. yeah me and lewis probably haven't lewis i'm guessing you haven't done shit it's only january guys i just got this is like a race where i got started real early and you're like shit he's already around the first corner and here we are still plugging along but don't worry i got a new fence that was nice no, you know what that was finished before Christmas.

So that's technically 2018. Yeah, so all right. I got another thing that happened. Mrs. F watched Marie Kondo or Mary Kondo, the tidying lady tidying series on Netflix. So Mrs. F, when I first started going out with her, I went around to her house. So she would have been about 18. I would have been about 19. And her room was the messiest thing i've ever seen right my house was really tidy when i was younger i used to keep my room real tidy my mom was really a tidy kind of person you ran a

tight ship yeah ran a tight fucking ship went to mrs f's house i was like jesus christ her room she did not run a tight she did not her ship was loose let me tell you something it was all over the fucking place don't spread that room around but but this was one fucking loosey-goosey room i'm telling you and i was like jesus christ and generally speaking i'm a pretty untidy person now i've fallen into bad ways i i hoard shit i've got like all stuff from when i was oh god tell me i've got cds and dnd stuff and comics and stuff. I hate throwing stuff away. But she watches this series, and now she's obsessed with Marie Kondo to the point where I came home from Denmark,

and she opened the drawer where I keep my T-shirts, and she said, look at this. And all my T-shirts were neatly folded into like a sausage shape and in lines, like in rows. So I opened the drawer, and I can see all my T-shirts instantly. They're all just fucking in there. Now, normally I just stuff them in there

like I'm trying to hide evidence evidence but instead she had them all i think it's like one of those things like they you know this stuff happens a lot right where something that works well in japan and you go to japan you expect to see that japan is fine but it doesn't work like in the west right like uh out of japan you go to somebody's house. What are you talking about? And they're trying to be more Japanese and you're like, what are you doing? Just put your fucking shirts in the drawer.

Just stuff them in there. Who cares? Oh, man. We don't need to roll them up nicely and make sure that the gap between each rolled up shirt is the same and stuff. We don't do that here.

This isn't Japan. You know what i mean your goddamn foreign shirt rolling out of my country asshole i'm gonna put it on the fucking floor how'd you like that i'm not racist by the way i'm just i'm just saying he's not racist but take your japanese shit and get out that's what he's saying yeah exactly no violently racist i'm just joking around but like i i don't know it's like i, you know, it's one of those things now, isn't it? It's like, everything in Japan is so cool. We need to do more Japanese things.

Let's all do Japanese things. Like, okay, fuck. Like, come on. That is what it's like now, isn't it? Fucking Japanese. God damn Japanese. You sound like a 1960s dad. What's that, a Japanese car?

This is Vietnam Sips. What's wrong with an American car, all these goddamn Japanese cars? That's not how we do it in America. In America, god damn it if you did i bought a motorcycle it's a japanese i don't want to be goddamn japanese motorcycles up in here they're taking over oh god so so um she mary condo she wrote this book didn't she the life-changing magic of tidying up and i had a copy of it like i of course you did like three or four years ago

of course you did um and i read it and it's it's good you know it's really good it's like it is very uplifting to have like a sort of a clean workspace and like clean clean stuff but the thing is it's very different to um store storage right a lot of a lot of what we were all taught previously was that like we all watched all watched Hoarders, right? Yeah. Everyone's seen that show. Yeah. Where they go into some poor fucker's house and they're just hoarded full of shit from, you know, floor to ceiling.

And then. Look, I'm just going to go. I'm just, I'm the guy who's going to say this. All right. Go for it. If you have time to roll up your shirts into fucking neat sauce, get a fucking life. Okay. You have too much fucking time on your hands if

you're doing that shit with your time and your life all right get a fucking life like how about that amen brother jesus well who has fucking time to do that shit but it's stages right it's stages okay like so it's like obviously one end of the spectrum is the hoarder with the house full of you know literally a pile of loads of rolled up newspapers full of shit just in case you need those. You know, you never know when you're going to need. Man, I'm lucky if I can even wash my shirts, fucking let alone roll them up into sausages and neatly place them in the drawer. Hang on. Fuck.

Then in the middle. I've got mustard stains all over my t-shirts It's like in the middle of the spectrum It's ordinary humans Who hang their shirts up or I don't know Fold them up right in a pile Okay which is where I am Okay and then there's People with too much free time yeah you're right You're right Sips who has time

To roll up all the t-shirts Oh you're so perfect well done You've rolled up your shirts Fuck you Alright fuck off You're so perfect. Well done. You've rolled up your shirts. Fuck you. All right? Fuck off. We're all on the same page here.

Yeah, get them, sips. Get them. Fuck. Well, here you go, P-Facts. How long is this going to last, though? Do you know what I mean? Well, this is it. Because here's the point.

She's got the fucking kids doing it now. You know what I feel like? She's converted to, like, Jehovah's Witnesses. Scientology. Or Scientology. She's getting all the fucking kids into it. She's telling all the people who come over to the house, have you watched Marie Kondo? I was like, if she fucking tries preaching to my ass,

I'm going to burn this place to the fucking ground. Right. You're fucking burning your own house down. Organize that! How about that? How neat is that? It's in a little pile of ashes. I think this ash pile should be over here. And if we clean up the ash away from this area, and clear up the child remnants of the children's bedrooms from here.

But I said to her, I ain't doing this shit. She said, look, as if I was meant to go, this is great, I'm going to do this forever. But I was like, I ain't doing that, ever. If you want a condo, you better condo that shit yourself, because I ain't doing that ever if you want if you want a condo you better condo yourself baby you condo it over there i can't i can't don't give a shit i can't don't give a shit oh my god oh we have a system in my house that revolves around leaving all of the clean washing in a basket, in like a big lump, okay? And you just pick through it for the stuff that you need. Every morning, naked.

Every goddamn day. And it works fine. You come down naked in the morning and you fumble through it until you find a clean pair of pants. It's fine. It works. It's fine. It works. You know, it doesn't look nice, but who fucking cares? If you come to my house and if you don't like that, well, you can just fucking go back to your own house. That's all perfect with rolled up sausage shirts or whatever.

You know what I want to have? I'm going to have a drawer in my, I'm going to build a shed at the bottom of the garden with one of those big chest freezers in. And anyone that comes to my house and tells me that I should Marie Kondo it and it's untidy, I'm going to kill them, roll them up into a neat little sausage, and stack them in rows in my fucking freezer. That's the plan. That's a great idea.

Yeah. Fucking A. You're like the serial killer equivalent of her. Your Honor, they wouldn't shut up about Mary fucking Kondo. All right, I'm innocent. This guy's innocent. Get him out of here. Your case dismissed.

Now, where did I put that paperwork? He opens his drawer just like a fucking million papers fly out. He's like your spirit animal for judge. This guy's as messy as I am. The whole jury is all disheveled. Kondo? This guy's just sick.

This is during his reign. Not only am I going to dismiss these charges, I want this man given the key to the city and a million dollars annuity a year. This guy's find my me. Oh, shit. I mean, don't get me wrong. I think, you know, there's a lot to be said.

You know, if you have a tidy workspace or you have like a tidy home or whatever, you'll probably not be as mentally unstable or whatever. You know, it's like there's like a link right to like your mental state of being and your your physical messiness and stuff i don't know you know what i don't think there is here's what i think it is the people that need that shit and benefit from it have some major psychoses going on somewhere and the only way they can suppress it unlike with alcohol or getting high or just jerking off a lot which is what most people do they need to fastidiously tidy things to feel like they have control of their lives right i

actually think it's a replacement for actually being well like if you go to someone's house and they are obsessively folding and tucking everything into quarters it must all be neat and tidy put it away in this right place like nuts start singing mary poppins songs they fucking lost it i don't think tidying is going to make them better i think it's just anything they just need something to focus on to take their their minds off the crushing inevitability of their shitty lives there's lots of aspects to this right and i think that some of them are like psychological stuff right and i think that the main thing that she sort of talks about is that if you look at an object, it has to spark joy, right? But there's also a classic adage, which I always remember,

which is don't have anything in your house that you do not find useful or beautiful, right? What about my kids? Well, I mean... You find them, you find your kids beautiful, right? Maybe. Not useful, Lewis. They ain't useful. Well, it doesn't have to be and.

It could be or. So, I mean, the point is that when you look at something and, like, you know, if it's like a moldering, a dirty old mug, you think, that's not really useful or beautiful. Let's clean it and put it away. And then it's not there. More to the point, it's not hygienic. I mean, that's kind of gross, right?

Like, you don't want to leave dirty shit around, obviously. True i mean geez i mean i do the washing up you know i'm not gonna leave a plate with like fucking spaghetti bolognese sauce drawing to it like in the middle of my living room because right but disgust i guess that's slobbery right that's disgusting yeah i'm talking about obsessive tidying of shit that has a perfectly decent home already i think i think there's a lot of emphasis placed on objects like like you know things that you buy or whatever you shouldn't be attached to these things in the first place like if your house burns down they're gone you know like you want to get people out of there because you should care about people but like you know if your fucking uh replica um you know fucking sephiroth body pillow

burns in in your house well you shouldn't really care that much who cares right it's just a fucking thing yeah i don't i don't think i have anything i don't really value any material things yeah i wouldn't care if any i lost anything in my house i cared my kids and my wife died but yeah i would be upset if i lost my computer, if I lost my vape. That would suck. But those are super replaceable things, I mean, Jesus. I have got a few things I really do give a shit about, but it's just things like comics. Sentimental things.

No, not really sentimental, I just know that I wouldn't be able to replace them. Man, all my sentimental things are on Google Drive. Like, I can't think of anything that's not there. Well, I think you guys don't have all this clutter and this knickknackery crap which just ends up hanging around. I have clutter. But, like, a lot of the time, you know, it's hard to get over that psychological barrier

when you've got, like, a little fucking thing that someone gave you or a little, like, for example, I get sometimes I get these bits of fan mail, okay? Right. And they're really nice. And they're really nice messages. Or they send me a little little like for example i get sometimes i get these bits of fan mail okay right and they're really nice and really nice messages or they send me a little gift okay yeah and i don't know what to do with those things do you see what i mean and they end up i just put putting up putting them in a box or putting them in storage or or you know in storage isn't like that isn't tidying up you know what you're doing there is is building up i think i think if you have stuff in storage you might as well just take it to the dump because you've

pretty much said to yourself i don't need this thing and i'll forget about it never look at it again because i a couple years ago when i redid my office here i bought these big shelving units that go in a garage normally and i keep all my shit let me just put my green screen down and i'll give you guys a quick inventory hold on so i've got all my best graphic novels and comics going back years i've got dvds for movies that i know are super hard to get hold of i've got all my old dungeons and dragons and role-playing books talking third edition talking gerps talking like original dragon magazines copies starfleet battles the teenage mutant ninja turtles role-playing game uh some

board games that i love that nobody ever plays with me anymore um and a whole bunch of shit like dota related stuff and and all loads of old cds from when i was at university and stuff like that and loads of books like books that i love I love. So that's my organization. Some old records, some baseball cards, shit like that. And it's like, I wouldn't be able to replace those easily. And if I lost them in a fire, it would suck. But I haven't touched them in years. I just like having them.

It's just things that remind me of stuff I've done. But they're organized and they're tidy. I think if my house caught on fire and burnt down to the ground, the only things that I would be not even sad to lose, inconvenienced by losing, are my passport and the shoebox full of money because I don't trust the banks or the system that I keep in my desk. That's about it. That's it.

Those are the only things that would really inconvenience me heavily everything else is just like who cares i would just yeah i'm not saying that i'm i'm rich enough to go out and replace but i got i'm pretty sure i have contents insurance on my house so like most of like the usual crap i could replace my bread maker and stuff and my alexa no problem i wouldn't care like whatever it would be annoying because i know that the part of me thinks what if i forgot things i had and didn't replace them and then you realize i don't then that means i don't need them like if it's something where i wouldn't even notice if i lost it would i do i need it but it's weird the collection that's the beauty with insurance because if you don't have an inventory you you're like, yeah, I did have a gigantic framed glossy picture of Marilyn Monroe on my,

but no, I didn't have a TV. You know what I mean? You swap and change. You're like, fucking, you know, I'm almost 40 years old. There's certain things that I have in my house that I don't really need anymore. I think that's it, right? Because I think all the things that clutter up your life are kid related stuff like i remember when i was a kid it was always like lego like i built something out of lego and then or or you

know that would that would go and go on a shelf and i wouldn't want to break it up right or like or like cards or like toys or like like games and like like even today it's like warhammer models and like fucking stupid little plushies and mascots and little toys and you know simon's desk's always covered in these things because it's hard to like like figure out what to do with with this lego r2d2 once you've built it you know where does it go like and simon's always building this stuff because he really enjoys the physical act of like putting stuff together but you know what happens when you're finished with it? Does it go back? It has to go back in the box.

That box has to go on a shelf. And then you end up with lots and lots of shelves, lots and lots of these things. You should watch the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin for an idea of what happens to these things when they're done. Oh, my God. But, no, it definitely is like toys and that kind of thing, which for me is definitely like a major source of

clutter uh because i'm not i'm not actively playing with toys and i think that growing older makes you automatically realize that you don't necessarily need to surround yourself with this clutter but then again my uncle my great uncle john uh god bless his soul i think he's actually still alive uh i haven't spoken to him in a long time. Sorry, John. Shout out to Uncle John. His house is full of clutter. Like, absolutely every wall has got a china plate and frame on it. Like, all over the walls are like a whole wall of china plates. And the next one, a whole wall of cases of thimbles. And then mounted on the ceiling, hanging around the ceiling in every single room,

is like the Toby Juggs. You know, hundreds and hundreds of these things. It does that. So much of just clutter in this place. But it's all organized. It's all very organized chaos. It kind of feels like an old school tavern or like kind of weird medieval. Well, I was going to say, I kind of like, you remember that movie, The Royal Tannenbaums?

Yeah, I love that movie. The house in that movie that had like, you movie that had the room full of books and stuff. Certain clutter can look kind of good, right? Like you go into some intellectual's house and they just got fucking books everywhere and piles of papers and dissertations. My friend's dad had a proper study like when i i go around to his house and his dad wall bookcases and stuff his mom and his dad didn't get along right she was waiting for him to die so she could get the house and sell it like that was literally it they were pretty open about it they'd been married for a long time they're both

too lazy to fucking remarry i guess so he had this study and it was like a proper old dude study like he smoked in there so it just smelled smoke all the time but it was cool because it meant i could smoke in there when i went around to my friend's house and wall-to-wall ancient books i don't know how many of me'd ever fucking read and he had like the old armchair with the fireplace and a tv it was like this was his den and i thought i get it like i fucking get it he had like an air rifle in the corner propped up against the the wall like just ready in case yeah yeah a man's space it was it really was and it actually inspired me in many ways to become a really fusty slightly smelly old man that sits in a room and smokes i in fact i think in a way that's what got me

into streaming that's what's happened. Yeah, man. One of my friends growing up, his dad was the same. He used to smoke like a chimney. And he had, it wasn't like a proper, I guess the basement was like more of a, he's turned the basement into a man's den now. He's a big outdoorsy kind of guy.

But in Canada, that's like seasonal, right? So in the summer, he loves camping and he's got a canoe for portaging and stuff like that this is the same guy that we did the portage with nice and um he's got all of his fishing equipment down there and stuff and he's got like a model race track back in now but during like the cold months when he can't do all of those fun things he plays lots of like war games on the computer in his like a room off of the it's meant to be a dining room uh but they had all their computers in there and he would just like sit there and like rip jean shorts with no shirt on smoking and stuff awesome i always thought this is the kind of guy i want to be when i'm older i didn't realize it at

the time actually when i was younger i was like i don't want to be like that. But now that I'm older, I'm like, I want to be exactly like that. I get it. I get why he was like that. I feel like if I could go back in time, I've thought about this a lot. Would it be cool to go back to be like 11 but know everything that you know now? Oh, man. You'd be the smartest fucking kid ever. Oh, God.

Like, you really would. You'd be able to hustle so much as well, right? It would be unbelievable think of all the lunch money that you could steal in very novel ways and stuff like you could absolutely run rings around these kids with this knowledge i was thinking of using it to enjoy life but you just want to get no i would definitely capitalize off the this this freak occurrence where somehow i've teleported back to being an 11-year-old with my current mind. I would totally take advantage of that in every way.

I mean, there's some moral quandaries. There's some moral quandaries. Because I had a girlfriend when I was like 11. And when I was like, you know, early years, 12, 13 or something like that, I had a girlfriend. It's morally very questionable for you to be a – You're all about first base at that age, aren't you? 43 year old man now well i understand i'm all about home runs nowadays that's for sure that's what anime is all about it's about a 43 year old man in an 11 year old's body exactly that's fucked up so you'd have to be pretty chased you'd have to be completely

chased until you were like 16 but even then i'm thinking probably 18 right before it's really morally acceptable i mean you could lay a lot of groundwork in that time i guess you could do a lot of priming get some get some vines not in a creepy way though what you're saying is you want to go back in time to groom children yep no no all. I can prepare a whole load of Minecraft videos to groom children with. Oh my god. This topic is fucked. Well, so is anime and everybody seems to watch it, so jeez. I'm actually a 10,000 year old demon in the body of an 11 year old boy.

To its pain. Oh, fuck me. Oh, shit. I don't know, though. You'd have to go through, you know, like, when you're 11, I don't know, actually. I think life is pretty good. Like, your teens, though, are kind of tricky, aren't they? They're like, I don't know if I'd want to relive.

But you'd be the most confident teenager ever. Because you'd be like, no, the world isn't coming to an end because i suppose yeah you probably would be but then what if it was like one of those things where like at the stroke of midnight on the 31st of the 12th month you will revert back to being a 40 year old so you've got you you know you got like this girlfriend and stuff and she thinks you're so cool and the whole school thinks you're cool, and it's prom night, and you're just about to have the big dance with the girl, and then the clock strikes midnight at prom night when you're 11 for some reason, and boom, you turn back into like her dad.

We have to go back. That would just be the worst, right? We're still going to fuck, right? It's prom night. Oh, my God. Get away from me. This bitch ain't going put out boys save your breath but that's how the story goes isn't it like you can't go you can't go back to being an 11 year

old with your current mindset without there being some sort of catch at the stroke of midnight right there's got to be some sort of transformation or i mean in the in the movie big when the little kid became tom hanks tom hanks got laid yeah right and everyone was like cool she slept with a child what i'm saying is actually and at the end of it she's like gives him a sweet little wave and it's like well you just fucked a 10 year old or however old he is in the movie it's weird it's weird i appreciate wave, but I've seen your pussy. I'm ruined now for the rest of my life. Keep waving from the dock

when I charge you with abusing a minor, bitch. Yeah, that's right. The movie Big is kind of creepy. But in a weird way, I don't know, the way they presented it, I guess it's not.

But if you think about it, a grown-up's brain in the body of a child, like, what is it? The vampire Lestat. There's the, I think it was Kirsten Dunst when she was a child actor. She was in the vampire Lestat movie. She was a child actor, wasn't she?

She came up as a, yeah. But she was a, she was like hundreds of years old. But not like a small child. She was like, yeah. She was like a young teen, but she was like hundreds of years old in the body of a child. And again, I'm just saying that people that are super into vampire shit like that's you know i'm pretty sure she was having sex in the book but it's like oh it's okay because she's an old person's brain in the body of a child like no that's not okay yeah it's weird it's weird that's kind of how much of it is in the brain

because then once you get on that road then you you're basically saying, well, they were a very mature 12. You know, it's like, no, that's not how it works. So let's stop the time travel. Yeah. We won't ever do this. Yeah, let's not do that. We'll stop. We'll put an end to the time travel right now.

Oh, good. Because it's starting to seem like it's almost like some sort of conditioning or some sort of thing that maybe pedophiles use to almost justify their actions or something. And I think we should definitely avoid time travel. Also, can we stop any body switching as well? Yeah, no body switching. Because the first thing anyone does in any fucking movie where they get switched into someone else's body is take a look down their top. It always happens

and they're like, ooh, they squeeze their own boobs and then the woman just looks really uncomfortable with the man's body. Yeah. You know?

Terrible. Like, oh, this is gross. Did you not roll your t-shirts up into like sausages or something? Did you just pick through the washing basket

in the morning like an animal? There's one clean basket and one dirty basket. This is actually not a bad system. I'm surprised. I thought I needed sausage rolls. But this system of one dirty basket and one clean basket is just fine. Yeah.

That would be the Marie Kondo body swap movie where a slobby 42-year-old, a.k.a. me, swaps bodies and places with mary condo she's horribly disappointed with her situation i'm just like well this is this is okay this is the same i'd love a show like that where you know it's like one of those shows where the expert comes in and like you know helps you declutter and and like you know fucking turn your life around and stuff i'd love a show like that, but the expert gradually... Gives up? No, their standards gradually lower as the series progresses,

and then they become these just fucking awful slobs who, like, make do. Like, by the end of the series, they're just like, yeah, well, you just need one basket full of dirty laundry and another basket full of clean laundry. Then what we're going to do is scatter some Magic the Gathering cards around the end of this desk here. And then we're going to just put some Dota 2 plushies over here, just random ones. It's not even a collection. This episode was meant to be about reusing old magazines to make birthday and Christmas cards for your family.

But you know what? Just don't send them anything. Who cares? Send them an email card. It's fine. It'll do. I would watch that. I would watch that too.

You know those fussy eater shows where the guy only eats cheese and onion crisps and shit like that? I would like it if the expert turns up and says, your diet is terrible. He's like, just try one of these crisps. It's amazing. He just turns into a...

Just eats a crisp and then it just comes to a shot of them on the sofa surrounded by piles of eaten cheese and onion crisp packets he's just watching mary kondo on netflix being like we should be doing this i saw that i saw that and there's a guy there's a guy who can't eat anything except for cheese so like his his dinner was just a mountain of grated cheese on a plate. Oh, God. You'd feel so sick after eating that much cheese. I like cheese.

Don't get me wrong. I blame parents in all instances. Because there's no way this guy suddenly hit upon this idea when he was in his 20s. Yeah. When he was younger. You have to have been enabled somehow, right? Like, I've had kids over the house to play with the girls. Someone would have had to buy him the cheese.

Right. Hey, man. Hey, can you buy me some cheese? Yeah, you buy me some mature cheddar camp? They told me I can't buy any fucking what is it called something Cathedral? What's the moderate Jack they won't sell it to me the mature shits on the highest shelf Really stinky shit a shelf like that it's a really stinky shit cathedral city cheddar or whatever the fuck but i've had kids over and the parents said i'm like what am i gonna cook them for dinner and the parent says well they'll only eat either chicken nuggets and chips or pasta i was like oh what kind of sauce oh no no just pasta like on its own nothing on it oh the kids love that

yeah but it's like literally nothing no no nothing that's gross this kid wouldn't eat cheese it was just boiled pasta and like i was like really they're like yeah i'm like well you know that kid's gonna be real hungry if he doesn't eat i keep a list of those kids when they come to my house that's the first and only time they ever come because i don't have time for that shit just eat and if you're a parent if they say they don't like it you know what else they don't like starving to death yeah just don't give them any fucking food just say you either eat dinner or you go fucking hungry yeah what happened to parenting there's no book that says anything like it's a daily struggle to make sure that they don't eat fucking non-food like they'll eat anything you put in front of it's crazy yeah like i don't get fussy eaters at all damn right fucking crazy you're doing what are you guys doing out there yeah ridiculous anyway yeah

then again what you could do is just do what fucking donald trump does the kids would love a trip to the white house i'm a billionaire but uh have a wendy's burger on me it's on oh my god so donald trump is like my great uncle john. He is. He's just a big child. Does he have all of the... It all makes sense. Does he have a lot of clutters? I saw this thing about Donald Trump where apparently like before they did The Apprentice, Donald Trump was like a bit of a joke, right? They always made fun of him on Saturday Night Live and stuff.

He was kind of like this washed up, might have been billionaire sort of thing. And everybody just sort of made fun of him. And then they got the idea to go and do the apprentice. I'm sure I've said this before. They got the idea to do the apprentice and they wanted to, you know, they thought, oh, fuck, you know, this guy's got a lot of money. We'll go up to his office and that can be the set. You know, we'll go into his office must be really nice and stuff. So they get to the top of the Trump Tower or whatever.

And it was just like they said it was gross. It was like hadn't been touched since like the 70s like fucking wallpaper peeling off and like damp spots on the carpet like a fucking news salesman's show yeah so then they were like oh well we got to build a set now they were hoping to not have to build a set and they had well that's what i heard because you told me this before that the media the sort of showrunners and stuff had created this persona around him which then he latched on to yeah and kind of became this persona yeah i think that's just amazing like probably got him elected as well because people and so do you know what salacious shit tv created donald trump yeah that's why christ Christine Chubbuck committed suicide did she die for nothing?

did she die for nothing? think of Chungus think of Christine Chungus don't do that for God's sake man oh man I can't believe this I can't believe

the White House there's nothing worse than cold fast food is there? holy shit yeah that was my first thought I've like i've had burgers delivered like we actually when we were at the the bucharest uh but wait were they on heated plates though or not no no because it ain't gonna stay it's like a mound like if you go to mcdonald's by the time you get to your house

or wherever you're taking the burgers they ain't hot they're never hot food goes cold fast that's why it's called fast the ones in the middle of the mound will probably still be a bit warm though but warm isn't the same you want a hot burger you i mean there's nothing worse than a cold fucking cheeseburger it's disgusting like chips if you've ever eaten cold chips it's the worst food i have yeah it's horrible it's the worst food it is gross you can't eat them cold you can't eat them them the next day. It's a disaster, right? Oh, by the way, just quickly, you know how you drink, sometimes you'll come back to like a cup of coffee that's gone cold, right? Yeah.

And you drink it and it's room temperature, but it tastes like cold. You know how the same thing happens with beer, but if it's room temperature, it tastes warm. Yeah. Because we say beer's gone warm, but coffee's gone cold, but they're both the same temperature. Uh-huh. Just let that,

just explode your mind for a second. What a fucking zen statement from Lunas there. It's unbelievable. My mind is still in the same state it was five seconds ago before you told me that useless story, actually. Mine is in a lower state. You've actually annoyed me with that. God, I feel like, just like a little bit vexed now. I actually don't mind cold coffee.

Like, I don't mind it. I drink cold tea all the time. I always forgot I have it, and I don't want to waste it, so I just drink it. I don't mind a bit of iced coffee. No iced tea. It's fine. No, no, but it's honestly, I used to hate it. Once you've had kids, you never get to drink a cup of coffee to completion while it's hot anyway.

Like you'll have a sip and you have to put it down and go and rescue someone or stop something happening or break up a fight. And then you forget about it. You come back like, oh, I never drank my coffee. But you've got so little time and so little energy, you ain't going to make another one or reheat that shit. You just get used to drinking it cold. It's fine. It's no problem. Warm beer isn't the end of the world for me either.

I mean, don't get me wrong. A cold beer, there's nothing like it like an ice cold beer but if it goes if it gets warmer ever it doesn't bug me that much i could go for a cold beer right now it's 11 a.m god you know when they when it has like the condensation on the side of the bottle like because it's so cold oh you know i love it i love it in america they never do this in the uk but not that i've seen is the glass is frozen cold yes so it's like a frost it's almost like a frosted glass yeah when you first touch it you leave the little icy fingerprints on it like where you've pushed into the frost take that first sip of cold beer washes down your throat especially when you live somewhere really fucking humid like where i grew up was super humid like florida's

pretty humid new york's fairly humid those places in the summer if you have a beer that's in one of those frosted glasses oh there is nothing like it fuck me it is the best oh geez you know you know that movie ice cold in alex it's a it's about um it's a black away movie world war ii they have to make this journey across the desert to get to i think alexandra and uh alexandria and when they get there they go up to the bar and the first thing they do is have a have a beer and it's it's um it's honestly the greatest beer drinking scene in cinema history they used to come on the one in shawshank redemption's gotta be the best no dude when they're roofing better right but then it's like he's doing it to win them over and everything. Like, I get it. Yeah, but they look so refreshing.

They look so fucking hot up there on that roof. Dude, these guys just went through the fucking desert. And honestly, when you watch the movie, it's like the worst, dustiest, hot shit fucking desert. And there's like Germans around and it's miserable. They're all covered in sand dust. Weeks. Yeah, but it's black and white yeah you can't even see the gold beer though like no but you can sense it and when he whole he looks at it like lovingly for a moment and then he sips the beer and you think i i wish i could have that horrible experience just to have that beer that that it would be worth it for that beer because it would be the best beer you've ever another scene that i that i always um i always associate with uh hydration and and feeling good after being

hydrated is that scene in in the three amigos you know when they're in the desert and they're all really fucking dry and like and and lucky goes for his cantina and and and there's no water in it and then ned goes for his and and sand comes out of it and then dusty is just like some sort of fucking human camel he's got all of his water chevy chase is just chugging it back and it's like the most refreshing scene you've ever seen in your life oh man and then he rinses his mouth he's like washing his face he just throws it on the floor right it's just leaking yeah and there's another scene in in three amigos as well where this is like i don't know if this is some sort of like chevy chase meme or something but in every movie i've seen him in he always seems to bite into

something very crispy or crunchy or like stringy that he can't quite and and there's like a like a scene that lasts about five minutes with him just like sort of eating this thing because it happens in national lampoon's christmas vacation as well remember when the turkey is like overcooked i think he's trying to trying to eat it as well i mean they're like we need a scene here it's like what if i do my old bit where uh you know i can't quite eat this thing it's too stringy uh sure whatever or maybe it's okay let me just do it i'll do the movie but only if there's a I can't quite eat this thing. It's too stringy and crispy. It's tough to eat something. Sure, whatever. Or maybe it's contractual.

Okay, Jeremy, just do it. I'll do the movie, but only if there's a scene, quite an extended scene where I struggle to eat something. Yeah, in Three Amigos, it was the bat. Remember, they're cooking bats. They have to eat the cooked bats. I checked out like five minutes ago. Can we finish this podcast?

Let's go. Thanks, everyone. Let's wrap it up. Bye! Happy 2019! up you soon bye