Triforce! - Triforce! #89: That's Bonerino!

Episode Date: February 6, 2019

Triforce! Episode 89! What's your favourite game show? The one where a load of dudes test their stamina while looking at their grandma? Yeah, mine too.   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. Coming at you from your studios, the island of Jersey and a place in London that we will not identify. Twickenham. It's Twickenham, yeah. I forgot. Welcome back. So, joined by Period and Sips, how are you guys doing? Great.

Have a good week just good great week just great one of my best it's it's it's plowing into the the early february snowmageddon yeah it's called this flip out there it's absolutely freezing we had hail here yesterday it hailed it hailed for like 10 minutes and then the sun came out it was like kind of nice yeah well that's the thing the weather just blows over the island. Global warming is the cause, I think. There's lots of uncertainty in the weather systems. Apparently, we shouldn't call it global warming.

We should call it climate change. Climate change. Yeah, that's a more effective descriptor. But it's minus three in Twickenham. Yeah, I mean, it's not unusual. I know that in North America at the moment, this week, they're freezing their asses off. It's minus 28 in Chicago last night. I think it's minus 31 today.

Yeah. I don't think that's like super uncommon, though. It is a cold part of the world. It is. Like the whole of North America is frozen solid. Like it is bitterly cold. But with the wind chill, it feels like minus 50. Whoa. Like everything's frozen and shut down. So I think it is it is bitterly cold but with the wind chill it feels like minus 50 whoa like everything's frozen and shut down so i think it is on that side of the world and i you know that's

that seems legit to me i remember it being cold like that yeah i mean it's cold it's cold but if everyone's saying holy shit this is cold it's probably colder than normal maybe minus 27 yeah fuck like that's insanely cold yeah it is the arctic swell or something it's like the weather's just fucked off down from the north pole and just chilled everything to the bone but i mean how cold must it be in northern canada right now that's what i'm thinking there are people living out there at the diarvik diamond mine which i flew over on the way to la one time and i was like what the fuck is that and it's a giant hole in the ground where they make they dig diamonds out of the earth is that

something that was on those in-flight kind of um screeners or whatever like shows you like like whenever you're on a plane and you fly over these places it sort of tells you places that you're kind of on that there's places on that map that you've never heard right you're like but surely the city of like ontario is right there or whatever but it's like telling you it's like the fucking like the newfound of forest or whatever and you're like well it was just the city of ontario yeah you fly over goose bay goose bay is a good one goose bay see what the fuck is that you fly down the west sort of when when you when you fly to la from London, for a start, it's only nine and a bit hours flight because they go basically so far north that they skip a lot of, you know,

previously they flew straight over the Atlantic. It took forever, but they fly much further north than they used to. So it's cold as flip. And when you look out, you can see just snow forever and glaciers and all the rest of it. And it's actually a depressing hellscape and flying in i was flying over diarvik and all the roads are just like super straight lines because you know there's nothing around that you just go in a straight line why wouldn't you make

your road super straight and um yeah it was it was depressing apparently there's a lot of alcoholism and trouble because there's nothing to do. Well, is that really what it's like? Is that really the thing? Or is it beautiful? Some people love this kind of... Because you call it a blasted hellscape, right? But some people love that kind of raw...

Like it's flat. It's flat and it's cold. Is it unnaturally flat, though? Well, no. I mean, it's on on earth so it exists in nature nature put it that it's not like because the diamond mines have like deliberately plowed the whole area no no i mean the entire area like you're flying in there's nothing there's no feature there's nothing it's like you've been dropped on an alien planet and been told mind the unobtainium

for us like that's literally what it looks like and yeah it just looked hellish oh for fuck's sake hold on is that the house phone yeah i don't know i mean i think you have to have a landline because he's over like a certain amount of age i'm old enough to have a house phone yeah well i got we got one too but they just fucking hung up you interrupted the triforce podcast for naught what if you have podcast for naught. What if your cell phone runs out of batteries, right? What if your cordless phone runs out of batteries and there's an emergency and you have to phone 911 or whatever? You have to have a landline for that, right? It's always going to work.

I mean, oddly enough, the only people I call on the landline are my mom and I think my dad. That's it. There's no one else I use the house phone for. If if it rings, it's gonna be one of two people. Mrs. F and she knows that I always have my phone on silent. So she calls the house phone to say she's on her way home from work or my mum. That's the entirety of the people that use my house phone. The house phone is like a last resort though, right? Yeah.

Nowadays, yeah, if you hear that ringing you're like, oh shit something's going down. Something serious. use my house phone the house phone is like a like a last resort though right yeah nowadays yeah if you hear that ringing you're like oh shit something's going down something serious like why is somebody phoning me on this it's like the it's like the it's like the red phone for batman or like the president it feels very much like that why is that ringing oh my god what is that yeah but i mean it's like it's if it's not one of one of those two people uh my mom my dad or mrs f then it's it's definitely going to be spam and i had a guy yesterday and they try to butter you up beforehand you know hello am i speaking to mr forsyth yes fine i'm not going to correct your pronunciation of my

name that's whatever well hello mr forsyth i hope you're having a good day i was like yeah yeah i was like just tell me who you call him from well it's funny you should say that i'm calling from the london research consumer index institute i'm like okay so this is some fucking survey please never call me again and i hang up but then they'll they'll call they've obviously got me on a list call this guy every fucking day for a week and break his spirit that's pretty much what they do hi uh mr Mr. Forrest. It's me again. I noticed that you hung up on me last time. We got cut off. He keeps calling back and he just gets creepier

and creepier. Ted, you don't want to ever hang up on me again. I'm watching you. I can see you in your window. Put down that cup of tea and talk to me. I'm in your house you didn't eat that banana yet that's on your desk did you mr force if oh my god that's why you should always

be polite to people you never know when they're just gonna flip and turn into you know those villains you see on the movies especially the the ones that are killers. Stone cold killers. I tend to give them a little pep talk. Like there was this girl that was calling me pretty much every day about a car accident I'd had in the last three years. And I said, could you narrow it down? Because I get in a lot of them. So let me know which of the ones in the last three years it was so we can carry on. She just sort of sighed.

And then I said, look, you're better than this, aren't aren't you i said you don't have to do this for a living i said just call people up and annoy them i said what why don't you find a find a job that doesn't annoy yourself and other people she just hung up i'm trying to give you a pep talk here the reality of the situation was too much yeah i think they don't have a choice though right no everyone's got a choice you don't have to have a shitty job in a call center i think they don't have a choice though right no everyone's got a choice you don't have to have a shitty job in a call center i think the problem is you get that job and you think well it's it's it pays the bills and you settle down but the idea i mean you know those people that call up and they're actually trying to con you uh i'm wondering like do they

go to work with a heavy heart you know do they go in thinking geez i've got to go in and rip people off or do does eventually just become normal like j juggings in prison? Is it just one of those things? You know, you just jug people because that's what everyone else is doing around. I see. You just have to let it happen. Yeah, man, I had this moment yesterday, I was making some tea. And it was really cold, right? And so my wife was like, Oh, can you get me a hot water bottle? And I was like, Yeah, okay, sure. Fine. I'll get you one. So I made so I boiled up the kettle and I made some tea. and um so my wife was like oh can you get me a hot water bottle and i was like yeah okay sure fine i'll get you one so i made so i boiled up the kettle and i made some tea and then i poured on the tea and then i took the kettle over to the sink to fill up the hot water bottle but i perched

the kettle like sort of precariously in between like you you know you have like the main sink and then you have like that little fucking sink right i don't even know what it's for but it's like between the sink and and the and like the draining board yeah the washing up sink the additional sink the sink that never gets used in my house anyway it's like this little little tiny mini sink so it's like perched there and then i it sort of like almost fell and i was like oh shit like what if that had fallen down and you know gone all over me and scalded me and I had to go like to the hospital or something it was like nine o'clock at night and then I thought what the how the fuck would I explain that to people like if I just couldn't

turn up and like stream or do anything for a couple of days because I'd accidentally jugged myself like you know with this kettle of boiling water that i just put in the worst possible space you know when you have you do something like totally careless and then it almost falls on you or something bad almost happens and you're just like whoa what why the fuck did i do that but you can see how easily people could jug themselves too right that moment of madness where you just like you know perch it on that sink that nobody uses the in-between sink yeah i worry about about boiling water when i'm cooking like if i cook the kids some pasta and i'm carrying the pan from the oven it's the other side of the kitchen to the

sink right and they're always playing in the fucking kitchen when i'm cooking for some reason like they come in there and start cooking and the first thing they do is get the nearest chair to the oven and start doing something. And I'm like, why do you always do this? They love playing with the knives, actually. They love playing with the knives. My son got like a mini skateboard, and my daughter got a scooter for Christmas, a little scooter.

So anytime we're in the kitchen, that's when they decide that they're going to skateboard and scooter around the kitchen. And also, you love to cook on that Segway as well. You love to make sure. Absolutely, yeah. It just gets you from the oven to the sink. Yeah, for sure.

It's futuristic. It makes the house feel more like the Jetsons. And also, it's really good for conserving energy too. Also, because you feel such burned and scolded hands, you always just put butter on them, you know, to help them heal. That's right, yeah. And so you just have the butteriest fingers

when you're carrying stuff. I can understand it. You're a dad. Yeah. You know, these are necessary things to have. I just lay in bed all day and my wife's life is a living hell. Like she's just downstairs slaving away,

like just waiting for that moment. Dear, my dressings need changing. Bring the batter up. Can you bring another hot water bottle? This one's spilled everywhere. Oh God. I always say like, nobody move. Pan of hot water coming through.

And they immediately start scampering for cover yeah and i'm like don't don't move means freeze like don't move oh like i have to explain when i say freeze that i mean stop what you're doing and don't move because i'm coming through and they just move around more yeah i say don't move and then they go it's like panic boiling hot water right is like this thing where you get a little bit on your hand and it's okay right

or you get like or occasionally you know you grab like a little bit like a cookie pasta yeah and you get a fork and you go like

and it's like it doesn't burn you and so that makes you kind of reckless with it I'm not reckless with boiling water I don't want this

reputation to be to be to be out but not you i mean like just generally like it feels like oh it's only water how can that like cause any serious like burn but actually it's more like yeah it can do it could do a lot of damage but then again like fat is even worse like that's the worst thing to get a burn from i think is because it's fat hot fat like if you get hot oil on yourself uh i've got a big a big gob spat out of some sausages one time onto my hand and and that fucking hurt and i'm thinking you know in the movies when they pour boiling oil on this on the soldiers that

are attempting to siege the castle oh god they just go fall to the ground i'm thinking they always do the Wilhelm scream. They really do. But I'm thinking of all the horrible things to come up with, pouring boiling oil on people that are wearing metal armor. I'm thinking, I can't think of anything worse. I'm not sure it ever actually happened. Because it would be tricky enough to get that much oil, heat it up,

and then they have to be exactly under it. You know what I mean? And it's like, it seems a bit like a movie thing. I don't know if they ever actually did pour boiling oil on people. Also, I think in most of the movies, the siege consists of marching up with an army saying, Lord Fontalwoo, surrender your castle and come out. And then you'll go, never! And they go, right, siege!

And they start attacking with ladders and shit. Why bother? Like, a siege generally was, you just build a massive camp around the castle and starve them to death. That's it. What are they going to do? You can, you know,

launch shit at the castle with trebuchet, try and knock a hole in the wall, fuck them up. Dead cows and stuff. Yeah, chuck some disease shit in there. Yeah, some pestilence. You just starve them out. Way easier.

You don't go anywhere near the boiling oil and the parapets no hell no you try telling your men to do that right lads go stand under that gate they'd be like no i got boiling oil up there you know how painful that is it's kill i got a tiny bit of boiling oil on my hand one time sire and it stung like flip forget about apparently one of the things they would also pour more likely apparently is hot sand That's likely they would would pour really people or boiling water because oil was quite expensive Yeah, I took a long I guess took longer to well I think like I think also if anyone was sort of resisting attack in such ways You know, you might not want to incur the ire of the attackers, you know Yeah, piss them off too bad by covering them and i mean

boiling oil feels like pretty rough doesn't it yeah they definitely have no a no mercy policy if you boiling oiled them for sure yeah it must have been sucked being in in the castle when there was a siege man it must have just sucked living during that period it sucks for everyone fuck me how are we even here right now like if that's our history it's incredible isn't it never be warm disease would be rampant no food even the king has is never going to be warm you know it's not going to be warm your life expectancy was like 20 years tops like it's disgusting it's like just the worst period of time jobs involved collecting piles of shit into a bigger pile like i bet that's 90 of jobs was just shit shoveling that's it just shovel that

shit oh this i didn't train uh you know for for years in in making in the making of siege engines and weaponry to be a shit shoveler but that's where i find myself now you'd be it would be like even if you were the history degree if you were the king and stuff like you know how the fuck did you know that people were just doing what you asked them to do and stuff you know it's not like you had drones to keep an eye on people and stuff like yeah how the fuck did anybody do what you told them to do back then yeah you get your best lord you give him an army you're like march off and take this area you wouldn't know for days whether it had worked absolutely and then he could have just taken it over and just said oh yeah sorry we lost anyway i'm just gonna go and you know fucking farm

this one field that i have and he just goes back to that other castle and just like you know rules that rules of disappears i'm not listening to you anymore yeah i don't think you're the king oh shit what now you know yeah exactly i don't know how anything worked it's they're all trying to kill you everyone's trying to kill you you've got to have a special guy to taste your food yeah your family especially right back then it was like a big thing your family was always out to get you you had to make sure you you you you shored up your your dynasty with a lot of lots of sons and stuff well you say that in the um the the arab kingdoms when the when the eldest son inherited the the the throne he'd immediately kill all his brothers because he was like if

anyone's gonna kill me it's gonna be those fuckers so i'll kill them all so you know yeah you waited because obviously the king has a bunch of sons some of them might die so they don't kill each other yet but the moment one of them's king he's going to kill all the rest of them as fast as possible you would wouldn't you because why take a chance i guess i don't know man i'm just glad that i'm alive in this day and age and not not not any of the other ones because man like oh god especially the especially the medieval times yeah and possibly before that as well but even imagine imagine like being alive in like this the 1400s the 1500s 1600s the 17 even the 1800s were kind of shit too like it's not it's it's really just like probably recently where things like became okay and

somewhat bearable. But like, man, life was like much harder, wasn't it? Yeah. A long time ago. And the rules were so fucking strict. You couldn't be anything other than perfectly normal. Like if you were even slightly different, they're probably going to burn you with the steak.

Yeah, yeah. And like you used to get the death penalty for like nothing. you with the steak yeah yeah and like you used to get the death penalty for like nothing like if you stole a piece of bread or something you get like life imprisonment or the death penalty i know you know you say the wrong thing about the king they kill you yeah they someone thinks you're a fucking uh witch they kill you you spoke out about religion they kill you well i think these are the these are the thing these are the accounts we heard, though. I mean, we don't really... It doesn't make a big splash when just nothing happens, does it? The news is the news.

There's billions of people in the world, and we hear about one guy getting murdered or whatever. It's like, but actually 99% of people are fine and good and don't end up getting killed for stealing a loaf of bread or whatever. I feel like we get... Well, you're saying uh actually the the dark ages that were missold and they're they're actually worth that much just riddled with fake news i guess they're ringing you up hello mr false sith uh i believe you've been miss sold the dark ages and i would like have you have you have you purchased the dark ages in the last five to ten years?

Because you may be entitled to Dark Age compensation, which is that we burn someone you don't like at the stake. I'll tell you what, if you're in fucking Chicago and it's minus 27 at the moment, you're thinking,

burn it sounds pretty good right now. Yeah, that hot oil would benefit me greatly. Will someone please just pour some hot sand on me for crying out loud? I'm so cold. So apparently, there were shit tons of events through history where people, will someone please just pour some hot sand on me for crying out loud I'm so cold so apparently like

there were shit tons of like events through history where people like before gunpowder where I guess people liked throwing fire and stuff

you know like classically we always remember like fire arrows and shit like this or like trebucheting like a big fiery fucking load of tar or some shit

they cut a rock in pitch and tar and set it on fire and chuck it in there hoping to start a blaze. That lands on top of the barn. That barn's going up. That's going up in flames.

I bet owner of fire would have been a fucking nightmare. You know? At the 1215 siege of Rochester Castle, King John ordered that 40 pigs be killed of their fat to be used to set fire to the mines beneath the keep,

which caused it to collapse a cheap and effective technique you know who's gonna fucking carry out that executive order oh king king ron said the kid he put in an order to kill 40 pigs okay are you gonna do it maybe after lunch i don't know you think they're all lazy peasants was the problem work work i mean what else are soldiers doing right you know like off i read like when i was um when we were in old new zealand that the new zealand army had been involved building these roads for um the to get to hobbiton out in the middle of fucking nowhere right so they could build all this this film set you know and it's kind of it's it's really interesting it's called like buckland road or

whatever you know named after some sort of the's it's really interesting it's called like buckland road or whatever you know named after some sort of the shy it's really interesting how like um somebody thinking about a bit about new zealand's been playing the new civ 6 uh expansion which has the maori in it right and um and it's quite fun anyway i was i was thinking all about my holiday last year because this time last year i was in new zealand and um going around having a fucking great time in summer you know it wasn't cold at all you know if you want to avoid the cold in chicago just flip to the southern hemisphere it's probably fucking boiling down there it's midsummer it's probably lovely not everyone lives a fucking playboy lifestyle like you lewis yeah maybe just get tarquin to

fly you over in the private jet for a change warm upquin, warm up the jet. It's a bit frosty this morning. I'm going to fuck off to the Southern Hemisphere. You're not free to join me. Much like everyone who's probably stuck at home working hard, like, fucking ringing you up, asking if you've been sold to fucking Dark Ages. Yeah. I'm still here grinding away at the fucking Triforce.

I'd love to go away anyway. You're grinding away. I never describe our jobs here grinding away at the fucking Triforce I'd love to go away anyway you're grinding away I never describe our jobs as grinding away most fucking army guys they're fucking they're gagging for something to do

they're like oh god I just sat around will you please send me to fucking dig a mine under this keep or something

or kill 40 pigs that sounds like the fucking best day ever if you're in the army it's like if you've got a choice between polishing your boots again marching around again sitting around on your ass doing

fuck all or go and kill 40 pigs get the fat off of them fucking shove it under the keep and set fire to it that sounds like never sit on their ass and do fuck all the what soldiers they sit on their ass all the time during during like uh war they do that and that's just like a nice little thing like you know they do a little tour they're like all right boys you can sit down for a bit you know you see some shit during training nobody's sitting around i bet there's a lot of constantly running up hills and eating spaghetti and barfing up the spaghetti on a hill and stuff like oh my god it's what was what did i hear about the army it was something like where we do more than normal people do in a day before 9 a.m and then nothing afterwards

they do they they just like they they splurge out real early they wake up like five in the morning do all their work and then at nine o'clock they're all done i want to know if if you get really tired can you just ask for a quick nap i wonder how that would go down no i mean because i wouldn't be able to do it otherwise it's a job right so like it's the same as you know working at the staple factory you don't you don't ask old man benson you know midway through the shift can i go have a nap i'm feeling a little bit tired is that why they let me go probably yeah you're not going to just walk up to the colonel and be like, yo, really sleepy.

Hello, sir. I'm really tired. Can I have a quick nap? He's going to say, drop and give me 50, and then he's going to get the boys to wrap up soap bars in their towels. I feel like old man Benson, who's running your fucking army, is probably 10 years younger than you at this point. Probably, yeah.

He's like, old Man Benson is 29. Oh, man. Oddly enough, I do still think of myself as kind of young, even though I'm obviously not. I'm fucking middle-aged. It's the same for all of us,

but people in war, it's a young man's game. That's it, yeah. They're like really young bucks in war, aren't they? I wouldn't be on the front line. That's the great tragedy of the whole thing right

it's old men sending young men to die when it should be the other way around yeah we should get the young to fight get some fresh new ideas for policies and reforms and send all the fucking geriatrics out to war just get them on their zimmer frames with they're just gonna fucking die in a couple years anyway they might as well just fucking toil around in a trench and they've had their kids be miserable yeah exactly they've had their life they've had their life a guy like a general griever style wheelchair with fucking you know the new face of warfare it's like a 94 year old guy with no teeth oh fuck me i reckon some of these old fucking guys could probably fight way better than these young um there's a young soy boys there's a book called old old man's war right by john sculzey

or scalzi i'm not sure how you say it and it's basically this is the plot of that book is that the elderly sign up for the military but they're given a young body so they sort of clone them and insert them into this completely unbelievably genetically engineered perfect body that's got like built-in camouflage and amazing vision all the rest of it right so it's like crisis sort of but like with uh with old man brains but the first thing that they all do is immediately start all having sex with each other because they're like, you know, young gods now. It's not their body either, right? So they're like, oh, whatever.

So they're just like all fucking each other like crazy. I thought that was kind of funny. But it's a good book. It's a good book. Well worth a read. Yeah, it's an interesting thing that, isn't it? I'm sure that that would actually happen in real life too if you gave people all new fresh young bodies that's probably the first thing they would do that's what i'd fucking do if i was 18 i just thought

fucking everything that moves yeah 18 is single obviously i feel like you have like a lifetime of experience handling hot like you know sauce sort of water you know i reckon you could you could take that to the next level you know fill that with like napalm and you know you know be careful everybody starts moving around you're on your segway yeah like holding two saucepans i went to visit my friend in rome he lives there he's from canada originally and uh we went to this park one day and you could you could rent segwaysways and you could rent a golf cart as well. So we're like, fuck it. We're going to rent everything.

So we rented some segways and it was amazing. We were just like tearing around this park. There's like all these people like with their kids and they're all holding hands and having a nice time. And then there's these two fucking goons just tearing around on these segways doing jumps over these like little, the little hedges and stuff. And then we got kind of sick of

that so we hired the golf cart and then we were just tearing around it's like this really nice sort of like roman garden with all these families and this golf cart just tearing around going going around corners on two wheels and stuff it was awesome i would do it again in a heartbeat it was so much fun i i i did something I haven't done in a while last night. I went out. Whoa. I left the house. I actually went out.

What prompted this? Were you invited? Or you just had enough? No, no, no. I was invited. It was a thing. My friends... I can't watch this film again.

Oh, man. It's like, ah, you just had enough and you marched out. I prefer that. I had a moment like that i had a bit of a meltdown on on twitch the other day because people were talking about my youtube channel and saying you know how come i haven't posted anything on youtube for like a year now though so i was like i don't know you know just like it's just i i enjoyed doing twitch more and it's more fun or whatever and then people people, you know how Twitch chat does, when you sort of open a dialogue with them or you ask them something

and then everybody's opinion comes spewing out. So everybody's got these ideas about what I should do to get back onto YouTube, even though I'm not sure I really want to sort of thing. And somebody goes, you should start doing vlogs. And then it triggered me so hard, I just fucking lost it. I was like, I fucking vlog every day. I'm sitting here in front of a fucking camera on Twitch for like eight hours a day every single day.

Like, I never leave my house. I don't go out. I don't do shit. Like, what the fuck do I even have to say at this point? Like, nothing. I have no new material, nothing. I just, I completely fucking lost it like this went on for like 20 minutes as well i just like this massive rant about it the thing is there is content going out on your youtube channel well well with sips

live right so sips live it's like it's just the regurgitated live stuff yeah there's stuff that's being clipped and cut up from live and you if people want to watch stuff, there you go. There's loads of content, but it's just not on the same channel. That's why. I think people don't know that there is that YouTube channel. That's the thing. A lot of the time people are like, why is this thing happening? And you're like, well, it is.

It's just here. And they're like, oh. No, it's just weird, though. Because when you stream every day, what the hell would you say in a vlog? I mean, you cover pretty much everything already anyway, right? Or like, well, I do like anything new that happens, you know, which is, which is very, very few things given that I just leave my house to come into my garage and play video games all day and then go back in my house and go to bed. I mean, that's, you know what I i mean like it's all covered and i have noticed this as well like you know when when when we i stream are streaming a lot more since

since december and i'm worried to like tell the same stories or talk about stuff that's happening because and i tell the same stories all the time it's like people hanging out with an old grandpa like sometimes i'll be like can i ever tell you guys about the time and then you just look at chat they're all like yes yeah we fucking heard this one already. Oh, sorry. My mom does that so much. I try not to do it myself. She does that all the time.

She'll start telling me a story. Do you remember? This reminds me of the time. And I was like, oh, God, here we go. And it'll be the same fucking story. Me and Mrs. F just look at each other like anytime your mom does that no yeah my mom does it she'll just start telling a story like she'll she'll start telling a story that we've heard a thousand times like sometimes that week yeah yeah it just reminds

me of the time i went to india and now india is like grandma used to do that and we used to we used to be the same we'd be like oh fuck here comes this story again like every time but then then she got dementia and we're like oh fuck i guess you like had dementia coming along like all this time sort of thing like it's like no my mom's not got dementia she's just okay good bonkers yeah it's just funny it's weird and the the worst thing is if uh she she's got a lot of go-to stories that she tells. So she's got like trigger words. And if the trigger word is sounded, the story's coming. And you know which one it's going to be.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm just like if we have a dinner and there's other people, especially people she hasn't met before, rubbing her hands at the child to tell these stories. So someone will mention something. And she's like, well, funny you should say that. I'm just looking at Mrs. Adler. Somebody who says a trigger word.

Yeah. Oh, God, I got really sore cock and balls today. Well, that reminds me. It was one time on the farm. And then Flax just in the background, not the story about my small cock and balls. I was making a hot water bottle in my secondary sink. It's so funny. Oh, fuck's sake fuck's sake yeah i know my grandma was the exact same like there was always just every time she'd come around for dinner whatever like christmas or something you you just knew if if the conversation started winding down and there was like even

one moment of awkward silence it was like oh fuck here comes the story here comes here comes one that we've just heard a million times i mean they're pretty harmless but yeah they are yeah one time i was uh i was at a friend's house for sunday lunch uh this was years ago and they had a friend stay and i think he was like he might have been there an uncle or something like that but anyway he was he was like the same age as my mate's dad who at the time was probably not much older than i am now but seemed old um and he started telling this story and it was obviously a story that he told whenever they got together for dinner it was some story about him being in the army and it was like a series of very slight mishaps like he had his gun the wrong way around or his hat and he marched a bit silly and everything. And it was a very straightforward, not particularly funny story.

But it was obviously his bit. It was like a comedian who had very little material. And you see this comedian come on TV and they start doing a routine you've already heard. But the difference is, I didn't find it funny at all. No. Everyone else at the table thought it was the funniest fucking thing they'd ever heard. Even though they'd heard it before, they sort of, you know, goaded him into telling this story. And then they were looking at me with these sort of excited faces like, here it comes.

You know, what a story. I guess you just weren't as drunk as them. No, no, we were all sober. I find if you're drunk, stories like that are awesome. Even if you've heard them a million times. It's like the camaraderie of the whole thing, right? Especially when mixed with like alcohol. But if you're stone sober and you have to, you know, fucking suffer through another telling of that same story, it sucks.

Well, I'm telling you, no one was drunk. Like it was middle of the day. I was like 19 and my mate was 18. So I don't think we would drink it anyway really so he was just like the worst thing was everyone laughing tears running down their face and looking at me like expecting me to do the same and i was like just trying to smile politely and not just have that face like yeah like yeah yeah that's good good good one and it kept going it was like a 10 minute long routine and he's standing up but he's got all these little pantomimes he's doing everything it was awful

it was dreadful and they obviously at the end they were looking at me thinking hmm he isn't laughing at all something must be wrong with him i want to say no the story sucks like it's a bad not funny story sometimes yet another story yeah sometimes do you know what i mean like sometimes you don't know sometimes you're in a bad mood fair enough right and sometimes you're in a good mood and and every every story will be good and sometimes you're in a bad mood and every story will be bad right sometimes there is an element of that but sometimes it's just a bad fucking story you're drunk and every story is awesome and sometimes you're like yeah this you don't quite you don't quite know whether it's you or not.

Sometimes I play in a game and I'm like, is this a bad fucking game or am I just in a bad mood? And sometimes it's just a bad game. Yeah. You can't blame yourself for everything. You're right. Holy shit. So you went out to GP Flex. Yes, I went out.

I went to a gig. A gig? A gig. A band called this is the kit they are from bristol i believe um and uh well they're based in bristol and they're they're excellent they're very very good it's kind of um folky but not not too folky um like one of the interesting things to me about about sort of modern folk if you like um do they have like a banjo and a rubber band and stuff no no it wasn't that level i think she did play the banjo

at one point right but not in a look at me i'm playing the banjo it was just a part of the song yeah it wasn't like that there was no uh there was no mouth harp or whatever it's called there was no you know it was it was straightforward but it's kind of folk light in that it's not just the sort of three people on a stage with their fingers in their ear harmonizing and singing about uh the boy who owned a cow or something you know it's like more modern but they have electric guitars and they play them and i'm thinking that would have been like this whole crowd of people that probably love folk if you took them back 40 years the idea of an electric guitar being there would have been the end of the fucking world like the bob dylan goes you know dylan goes electric it was like a betrayal people shouting judas and stuff like that at the gig because he just had

an electric guitar that's it like that was enough he had an electric guitar that he's dead it's like twitch chat it was it was very twitchy the minute you you you stream all those years without a webcam and then all of a sudden you turn it on, and everybody's like, sell out. I mean, it's like when I'm not streaming Dota, people ask, has Perion quit Dota? I'm like, how dare I? Like, these people aren't just playing one game. I know they're not.

They're playing lots of games. But if you stream one game, like Dota, which is what I mostly stream, the moment I play something else, big fucking deal. Has he quit Dota? Has Perion quit Dota? Has he left? Why isn't he quit Dota? has Perrin quit Dota? has he left? what's up?

why isn't he playing Dota? it's like fuck me it's like I felt like Bob Dylan I understand his pain yeah you're exactly like Bob Dylan do you reckon

Bob Dylan was just just didn't get it and there were people in the audience just trolling him or do you reckon they were genuinely no no it was a big thing

like he specifically came out but isn't that almost like you said you know I'm going to be playing Dota today and then you turn up and you're playing fucking Stard Like he specifically came out. But isn't that almost like you said, you know, I'm going to be playing Dota today and then you turn up and you're playing fucking Stardew Valley and everyone's like,

this is a Dota? What's going on? And they like come to the gig and they're like expecting, you know, play the old stuff, play the good stuff. I like that. What are you doing?

I like that band audience like interaction sometimes. I remember when Smells Like Teen Spirit was really big remember when that song starts playing the good stuff and it's like pogchamp so so nirvana got really sick of playing smells like teen spirit at one point because it was their most popular song they had to play it some people they noticed were just turning up to gigs just to

hear that song because it's the only song they knew and stuff like that so they were super like put out about it so they would start trolling the audience at shows so like they'd play like the opening rift of smells like teen spirit everybody would start cheering going nuts and stuff and then they would like you know the cleverly transition into like rape me or something like that instead like a not play smells like teen spirit and then they would just refuse to play it for like the rest of the show which is like on the on one hand it's like kind of shitty you know when you hear bands that are like being like that or you know like being like kind of like divas about shit or whatever but at the same time like you know what pretty fucking funny yeah that's funny

i don't care the reason is because whenever i go to any gigs there's always a load of fucking tall people there and they're always in load of fucking tall people there, and they're always in front of you. And it's like, I reckon, I've talked about this, I'm sure we've talked about this before, but I reckon it's like an evolutionary thing that people who go to gigs who are tall have a good time because they can see everything,

so they end up going back to gigs. So I think, like, on average, the people who are at gigs are taller than, like, an average mix. I reckon you don't find many like five foot tall people i guess i'm sure you do find a few but whenever i go it's always the tallest people you can see everything when you're crowd surfing maybe you're just doing it wrong oh fuck you're right you know what you can if we go to a gig together lewis i'll put you on my shoulders like you're my date yeah like you're a little kid yeah that is the worst can you see up there lewis

can you see that just That just exacerbates things. Do you know what I mean? And then if everyone going to a gig has got someone on their shoulders, then it's just like, you know, in the future, in like five years' time. Everyone at a gig always does have that one girl who gets her tits out on their shoulders, though. Oh, yeah. Every concert, every gig, she's there.

Guaranteed. It's the same woman. The ultimate evolution of gig goers will be people who can get their tits out or people that can form a human pyramid that will be the only way to see a gig it'll just be chock full of of naked women forming human pyramids i would definitely go to see that yeah hell yeah that's an interesting thing like right we all know someone who is that personality type right we all we all know someone for other from school or from life somewhere who is the kind of get going get your tits out woman in the same way that we all

know that nerdy guy or that guy who like hoards water in his garage or you know the most likely to kind of i don't know just you know be be not weird but kind of like standing and i guess it's the same throughout history right anybody who would willingly get their tits out and I don't know anyone who hoards water either. So maybe I'm just, maybe I'm the weirdo. I'm guilty on both counts. I bet you back in the medieval castle siege, right, there's this bunch of guys on the fucking wall and they're

heating up the hot oil, the boiling hot oil, and one of their girlfriends comes up, gets on his shoulders to look over the wall, gets her tits out for the invading force and they all go and then they get their boiling oil poured on them and the cows all get killed gets on his shoulders to look over the wall, gets the tits out for the invading force, and they all go, oi, oi, oi. And then they get their boiling oil poured on them, and the cows all get killed and flung over the walls. You know, like, it's got all that stuff, you know?

Yeah. And there'll be a guy there, like, fucking cooking. There'll be a cook, right? And there'll be a guy like, oh, I can make all these pigs into a great stew. And everyone's like, oh, yeah. Old fucking, old man Benson there, 29 years old, years in the army, he's making the fucking stew do you

mean like oh god where is this going what are we talking about again yeah no I'm confused I'm lost I'm sorry I don't know where we are I feel like I feel like the girl who gets her tits out at a concert and the guy who hoards water should combine into like one, almost like, you know, like Dick Van Dyke and Mary Poppins, you know, like he's the one man band. He's got like the big, the big drum and he's got like the horns attached to his feet and the symbols attached to his shoulders or whatever. And he can play the music all by himself sort of thing. So you could get like, you could get like the tit bearing concert goer, but then she could be like up there showing her tits to Axl Rose or whoever, whatever concert she's at. But then thinking about like her weird water collection at home at the same time sort of thing. You combine all this into one.

It's more efficient, I think. It's more efficient. I get the impression that she is married to Mr. Boring stay at home cooking guy and they argue. Oh, right. Yeah. And this is her, this is her this is her outlet she goes to gigs and she goes she goes up on some dude's shoulders and then just like with the neighbor it's the worst thought the thought of of your wife uh getting on another

man's shoulders and getting her tits out yeah that is that's really disconcerting because like a lot of marriages are you know they, they rely on trust, right? You're like, if your wife goes out and you're hoping that she's gone somewhere really boring with somebody really boring, you know, like one of her girlfriends and they've gone to like the opera or something. Imagine she got home and she was all sweaty and you're like, where the fuck have you been? She's like, oh, me and my boring friend went to just just a boring opera i can see that rumple at the bottom of your your your thing it looks like you've been getting your tits out you get on instagram and you see pictures of your wife on some some dude's shoulders at a concert with the tits out man that would ruin the whole marriage right there yeah it'd be done i live in

fear of mrs f having fun when i'm not around. Yeah, me too. When I'm not there, I want her to have the most boring life possible, which is incredibly selfish. But it's part of the fear, I guess. You ensure that those shackles are tight every time you leave the house. I want the shackles very tight. I'll tell you what. I just thought of a great spectator sport.

I think this would be entertaining. Right, okay. This might only appeal to a very small number of people. Let's pitch it to Channel 4. So I don't know why this popped into my head. This is possible Channel 4 material. Okay, so you get a bunch of guys lined up on a stage. They have to get a boner, right?

Which is phase one. So the guys who can get a boner on stage in front of a bunch of people, they can't touch anything, just have to get a boner. And then you start showing them. Do they have like pants on though? No, no, no just have to get a boner. And then you start showing them. Do they have like pants on though? No, no, no. Everyone can see the boner. Okay, right.

If it's going to be on TV. So you put 10 guys on the stage. Yeah, they all have to get a boner, right? Or they can put their dick in a box and the box has a boner detecting thing in there. Okay? Right. So the box can detect. So they have to be flaccid to start with.

And they have to recall a boner from their own memory. Then they get a boner. That's a lot of pressure. I don't know if I'd be able to get a boner in that situation. That's a lot of pressure. But all I'm saying is the guys that could do it would be like, wow, good, well played. The other lads have to leave the stage.

You just left with these guys. And then you show them progressively worse and worse things that are going to kill their boner, picture of their grandmother, stuff like that. And it's the last man standing technically uh who wins i think that would be pretty exciting i would definitely do well on channel four that would really reveal like can you actually if someone put like a picture of their grandmother really just in four increase the guy's this is the life cycle of british television okay so channel four would have that

and it would be a sensational hit right i? I think it would be Channel 5, actually, would have that. No, no, it would start on Channel 4 because it's weird enough to start life on Channel 4. That's true, yeah. And it would be a sensation, and everybody would love it, all right? And then after about 10 years of the show being on, everybody would be really sick of it because it's like, okay, this format sucks now. We're sick of this boner show. We don't want to watch it anymore.

So the early winners would be household names. So then Channel 4 would announce, we're canceling the boner game show. We're going to cancel it, okay? It's never coming back. And then the five people who are still watching are like, oh, shit, my favorite boner game show is being canceled. But have no fear.

It's 10 years old, and the horse has been beaten to death here comes itv to pick it up and and buy the rights for it and put it on so itv 10 years later have decided that the boner game show is the way to go it's is there is their prime saturday night slot and they'll run that for about five years or whatever, um, and make it even worse than it was to begin with over time. They'll get Ant and Dec or like Holy Willoughby to present it or some crap. And they'll fill it with like all this emotional garbage as well. Well,

here's Barry. He's about to get a boner, but let's look into what makes him get a boner. And then the sad piano music starts. And it's like, Barry was born with healthy ability to have a boner but let's look into what makes him get a boner and then the sad piano music starts and it's like barry was born with healthy ability to have a boner he didn't even have a dick when he was born they had to attach a fake dick and he was born with his dick on the inside of his body yeah so then it doesn't even become about the boner anymore it's like a fucking weird like society piece or whatever that runs for five years and then finally

itv decide to can it and pick up some other like you know fucking tapped out thing that channel four have done and then channel five picks it up and that's where it finally dies yeah boner show two decades later that's british television in a nutshell for you ladies and gentlemen i just thought how we can have a crossover with another dead game show. Do you remember touch the truck? No. Oh, so there was a show called touch the truck where you had to touch a truck and the last person to be left touching the truck,

won the truck. And people were like passing out and stuff like that. And, and, you know, having to go to get something to drink or whatever, I guess. Uh,

so your boner is touching the truck. It's called fuck the truck. All right. When your, when your, when your boner is touching the truck it's called fuck the truck all right right when you when your boner stops touching the truck you you lose it so the last boner touching the truck that dude wins the truck so this one sounds more interesting than just the line of guys getting getting boners so this one in in in the british television life cycle this one would appear on bbc one right and it would right? And it would be a sensation. It would be a sensation and everybody would love it, right?

And it would run for two years and then they would sell the rights to some American cable station for it. It would disappear completely from British television and then it would carry on for 30 years in America with like, you know,

that guy Regis doing the hosting and they would really yuck it up hard as well. They would really Americanize the shit out of it. I mean, one problem I have is obviously it could be a con. We don't we don't see the dicks in the boxes. So there would be like behind the scenes, they'd cut to a live webcam inside like a GoPro inside each box, just for a boner check. check you know you don't want to see a boner on tv look away now because we're going to go to the boner cam on box four yeah there's a real close-up of a big big engorged dick you should you should go to you should pitch some of this stuff to channel four man i mean this could be on porn hub if they started doing their own tv

shows which i've thought about for a while. Why doesn't porn have TV? Why don't they have a live stream where they do fucking game shows like that with fucking and stuff? That'd be awesome. Honestly, I think, imagine a TV show called Get Your Tits Out, right? And it's like, you find those women who are the same women who get their tits out at concerts, right? And you just get them to get their tits out all over the place, right?

Like, and, like, who is that going to hurt, right? Even, like, when I was a kid, like, you know, if I saw a pair of tits, I'd be delighted. It makes my day. It makes my day. There's a lot of shows on the internet called Get Your Tits Out Already, though. If you Google it, Get Your Tits Out, I guarantee you'll see a pair of titties right away. That's the beauty of the internet called get your tits out already though like if you google it get your tits out i guarantee you'll see a pair of titties right away that's the beauty of the internet but what i'm saying is i want entertainment i don't just want to google tits i want to see what you want like

some cut you want like some competitive elements i want to see like the truck so you have to keep your tits on a truck last tit standing wins you know something like that something like that yeah like i know holds barred but it's not wrestling i don't know you don't want to you don't want to kind of get down the wrong like i i don't i want to keep it like i don't want it to start being ridiculous though right here's the thing we had something with the dicks in boxes and the boner lineup now you're getting crazy all right just calm down the boner detector as well it needs a metric right for that boner like it has to be like here's the problem right like imagine some guy's got such a such a such a big old swede and dangus right that he's he he's just flat he's already triggering the like

the boner it's got a lever at the top of the box and the guys with tiny bricks like me no no just saying there's a flag flag alright it's a flag is it like an angle is it like an angle thing you have to be over 90 degrees or what when your dick is up it's pressing against

something that lifts a flag and the flag starts to droop as it starts to as the boner starts to wither so you know he might suddenly concentrate and the flag starts going back up

okay okay and then they bring in the pictures of his grandmother and it starts the flag's going down the and the crowd's going, and it's got like a slide whistle. Yeah. You can give the crowd those little computers in the back of the seat

so that they can vote on their favorite boners and stuff, too. Yeah, Boner 7, very popular right now. Flag goes up a little more. Yeah, yeah. Boner 4 four very unpopular you could like show the pictures of various things and see who reacts to them like you could show like some furry stuff and like see if any see you see like you could like identify all these guys have you guys ever watched the voice before the show the voice yes so okay so imagine

it's called the voice but there's no singing in it or music whatsoever okay it's just called the boner instead so there's so so the so the four judges are turned around they can't see okay and they're only going off of the crowd reaction to whoever's come out and shown their boner right and then i reckon they could use the same judges yeah we can up the stakes the boner guys have to stand close enough that if they turn around the dick's gonna hit him in the face when their chair's spinning around. I see it's like really close. Tom Jones is never turning his chair around. I won't do it.

He just... Tom, turn around. Tom, turn around. His little chair spins around right in the face. It's got to be completely silent. So when they turn around, you just hear that little... It's like the little slap. Oh, fuck's sake man please make that a show if you're an executive and you're listening we need this

i'll fucking present it i don't give a fuck we could create these things could be created now you know there's no this we're on the internet you know people can watch you know this crazy shit i mean it's been going on in japan for a long time hasn't it you know this is probably a show in japan already i guarantee you i guarantee japan i man japan fucking japan probably is all over this shit like even while we're talking about it it's the you know the the opening night of you know the boner is I mean I was watching the Japanese game show the other day where they got Japanese girls who didn't speak English to have to read English words for the phone to auto detect so the voice recognition they'd have to say a word like bread or you know flag and then it would show the word that it thought they'd said

and they were all killing themselves laughing. They thought it was absolutely hilarious. Because none of them could do it, apart from this one girl who would put on a very strong American accent and try and say the word. And she was nailing it, to be fair to her. But I was like, damn, like, loads of people are watching this. And they have that thing in Japan where they'll have people watching

and they'll cut to, like, a little face cam of that person laughing. Yeah. And they're always, like a little face cam of that person laughing yeah a little and they're always like crying laughing and they'll be like and it'll be like all emojis around it and stuff like that and cut to someone else they must have a lot of celebrities in japan because there's no shortage of them to wheel out onto these shows they all do the same thing they all laugh hysterically they're all kind of bumbling it's the same everywhere though i guess britain's the same well now over here we just got panel shows we're not making those shows are always filled with like you know celebs it's the same 10 people it's the same fucking 10

people on every fucking panel show there's like a small the hosts like like the hosts are but yeah yeah i guess they have recurring guests and stuff too right some people who have been like funnier than others or whatever yeah they just get them on yeah like who if you've been on eight out of ten cats or whatever the countdown ripoff one is with jimmy carr all those guys are on all the other panel shows as well they all just go around and around and around they don't even do live comedy anymore they just fucking do this just panel life you get paid a fortune i don't know if they do you know i think it's just a steady job though right and also it kind of is part of the way to get recognized and break into that circuit you almost yeah you want to do live shows and stuff you kind of it's like oh i show that guy about the week yeah that's the thing jimmy car probably doesn't even need to do

stand-up anymore because he just gets gets to be on all the panel shows on channel four now yeah rob bryden as well right he's just done every fucking panel show to you and that other guy from peep show what's his name david mitchell yeah he's on he's on all the shows now too right panel shows yeah it's crazy we should do a fucking panel show like a panel show why don't we do one fucking panel show people have tried before like you were on one remember no that dota that yeah you were on a fucking panel show not with you guys no but you were on one it was a game show more than anything yeah but it was it was like a dota panel show wasn't it hosted by like toby white and stuff it was terrible it wasn't very good maybe making a panel show is harder than we think i think it

might be but i think but well actually i think what what happens is you need to record for like three or four hours and then cut it down to like half an hour of good stuff my favorite part of that show was um that toby'd obviously watched some panel shows and written an intro but his intro was just to insult each guest in turn and they weren't funny some of them were like wow that's close to the bone like that's that's well it's like a best man at a wedding who's not quite got it you know it's a classic trope isn't it it's like all you've done is just insult the bride killed the mood the mood in the room the boners were dipping i'm telling you you all came out with full boners ready for that detected a uh dip in in boner activity in sector c4 we're gonna have

to uh get the marines in bring in're going to get the fluffers in. We're going to get those boners back on. Those guys aren't busy anyway. Get these guys some goddamn boners. Old Man Benson's been jacking off dudes for like seven years. He knows exactly how to give a guy a boner. Get Old Man Benson in here. He'll straighten these guys out.

Literally. How about we get, like, because that's another segment for the show. Like, we could get, like, hot guys and hot girls in how about we get like because that's another segment for the show like we could get like hot guys and hot girls in and like give them like questionable boners and stuff

like it's like Euro Trash makes a comeback in a panel show if we have like the flag we could this is a great idea because you don't

have to show the boner but you could just see like does this titillate these guys I miss Euro Trash that show Euro Trash was

fantastic fuck me it was so funny it was ahead of its time for sure my favorite episode ever was that one Does this titillate these guys? I miss Euro Trash. That show was great. Euro Trash was fantastic. Fuck me, it was so funny. It was ahead of its time. My favorite episode ever was that one where they were using their ass cracks as bicycle racks. Like bicycle parts. They parked the front tire of the bicycle into this guy's ass crack in the Netherlands or something. Oh, fuck me. I like the German cleaners.

Those two weird guys that were always naked and they'd go and clean your house and stuff they're like real creepy hands and frans or whatever yeah i've even cleaned your house for you how was that woman that they always had on with the massive tits who died of a heart attack because lola ferrari that's right that's right yeah she was always on massive tits now there's a woman who could get her tits out at a gig i'll tell you that much hell yeah I bet you she did too I bet you she whipped those out all the goddamn time

I bet you she was at fucking Jimmy Carr fucking like fucking comedy line she was like yelling do the old bit that's funny

and then she gets her tits out or whatever fucking Jesus that's pretty much how it goes yeah that's Kappa there you go that's enough of a podcast

for today go and watch some Eurotrash guys and come back to us next week and get your bonus practiced get practicing on the bonus

because this is going to happen thanks everyone bye peace out bye