Triforce! - Triforce! #90: The Right Honourable Timmy

Episode Date: February 13, 2019

Triforce! Episode 90! Sips' life has been just great recently. He's been cooking like a pro, he bought some nice shoes and... wait, he has a tortoise now?!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Please play responsibly. Jesus Christ. What is that? Was that a flipping carton of Ribena or something? What were you doing? Chocolate milk. It was a little carton of Jersey chocolate milk. You were like chugging that down. At 10 a.m. in the morning.

Take it easy, sis. When do you want to have chocolate milk? 10 a.m. in the morning is like the best time i don't know it seems it doesn't seem like a breakfast drink to me it does though i mean when i was a kid we used to i used to look i had those little boxes of cereal you know the eight pack the variety pack right where you got the idea was that you'd have like one different breakfast here every every morning right like you'd have frosties then cocoa pops then etc and cocoa pops were always the favorite right because you get to put milk sorry we've started the podcast yeah no intro or anything this time it's just bam we're right in got so much to talk straight into chocolate milk where the action is let's go that's it welcome back

everyone i'm joined by Simpson P-Flex. So, no, like, those variety packs, man, honestly, let's just talk about those for a second. I'm sure we've done this before. Tetra Packs is what they call them. They call them Tetra Packs. Well, that's because the company is called Tetra Pack. Oh. Two lads.

Yeah, they've made a fortune, as you can imagine, because pretty much every one of those cartons is Tetra Pack. So, yeah, they made a fortune there is a very funny uh video do you remember that show that used to be on you know the way nowadays you can just go to youtube and find funny compilation clips of newsreaders fucking up or people falling over or whatever back in the day all we had was dennis norton and his laughter files where he would find bloopers and he would fucking be on a stage with an audience and he'd introduce it now in this next clip coming up we've got a newsreader who doesn't quite know what's going on behind them and then they'll cut to the clip so there's

like an intro for every clip and then he sort of uh assesses each clip when it's 50 goes well my favorite part of that like you know it's like you're having a conversation with dennis and watching a list of his YouTube favorites. Nowadays, we don't have any presenters for that kind of shit. You just bing, bang, bosh. Out it comes. I've forgotten what my original point was,

but it was a good one. It was a good one. We're already completely off topic. What the fuck? Flax is definitely showing his age now where he can't even remember the point of the story that he's trying to tell. Like, struggling to like...

It's like, well, I was a young boy. I used to wear tennis shoes on my feet. You might think that I'm trailing off a little bit here. I remember. You'd be absolutely correct. I don't even remember putting on underpants this morning.

Chocolate milk? In my day, we just had regular chocolate and regular milk. We didn't know who could buy them. You either had milk or you had a bar of chocolate. There was no combination of the two. Kids these days are spoiled with the chocolate in the milk. They're all mixing together all the stuff like we didn't have any.

We had to carry a barrel of milk and a barrel of chocolate in our back. It was about 200 weight of chocolate and 400 weight of milk. Now, to heat the milk, you had to start a fire. To do that, you had to know how to do it. Nowadays, kids just go to the internet and Google fire, and they get a fire. It's ridiculous. No one knows how to do anything. Right.

That's right. Tetra Pak. Back in anything. Right. So anyway, tetrapack. Back in the day, we had rice and we had pudding. We didn't know how to combine them. You had your rice separate to your pudding. Back in my day. Man named Jebediah came up with the idea of combining things. And he said, what if we took the rice and the pudding and put them together?

And we all said, oh, my goodness. It's always back in the day because we had the peanuts and we had the butter. But we never thought of combining. We never thought it didn't occur to us. We thought, well, we're happy with the peanuts and the butter is just fine where it is. But now everybody's combining the peanuts and the butter, making a peanut butter. I just think we're going too far.

What next? Combining a man and a woman to make a child? Well, we never thought of such a thing in our time. Children just appeared, fully grown from the earth. Completely bald. fully grown from the earth completely bald why is it always a like an American wild western

man accent who's short of breath all the time as well he's just kind of running off I think it's just a funny accent

it's just inherently funny it's a comical accent isn't it oh my god but anyway so the Tetra Pak guys there's a bit this is going

about 10 minutes back at the very start of the podcast talking about podcasts um tetrapack they make like the squeezy bottles for you to have your before that there was a guy on the dennis norton laughter files i'm sure you'll find it if you look hard enough of a guy demonstrating how easy milk cartons are to open and he has to get a pair of scissors out and it's spilling all over the fucking place and he keeps taking little snips here and he's like speaking in german and the guy watching is like yeah yeah and he's like yeah so this sucks and then he goes to port and just fucking floods out it's like this is why we have tetra pet guys

this is why nice we're not so sips when i used to go to canada my grandparents who lived in ottawa oh they lived in ottawa they did yeah yeah i've got a ton of family on ottawa so the milk always came in like a bag yeah that's a very like uh eastern eastern canada thing like ontario especially i think like um we used to get so i used to work at a grocery store and we used to get racks of these bags of milk. They come in. So you get three small bags, which equals to about four liters of milk in like one big bag. And then and these things would come in a rack with like, I don't know, 50 of these bags.

And you'd have to wheel it all around. It was so fucking heavy and you constantly got your hands jammed in between racks because it was impossible to stop them once they gained momentum and stuff oh man and the bags would occasionally split so these big racks had to be put on these like um it was like kind of like a like a draining platform so like in case there was a a leak in the bag it's like potentially four liters of milk leaking out of this thing right so it had to go on this it's like a platform with a drain and every week on a saturday if you drew the the short straw you had to clean out like the gutters underneath where the milk bags were oh my god oh my fucking god

if there was spills that week as well like it all this milk would just be underneath these grates just chilling and turning orange and the smell was fucking unbelievable you had to get these power washers and just like wash it all unclog the drain and like wash it all down the drain fuck me it was like the worst job yeah i mean that's butter effectively i guess but no no these days they would have um also these days right you wouldn't get that shit you'd get all this other fucking milk like soy milk and coconut milk and i mean i don't know i think bag milk is still a thing like i'm pretty sure my brother like who still lives in ottawa sent me a picture recently of like you had to get these special containers that the milk bag would go into and then you have to like you could get like this little knife thing to like snip the corner I don't know I always just like assume that in

North America that was the done thing but apparently it's not it's like only I wonder if because of the cold weather maybe having it in a flexible bag means that if it gets cold and freezes, because we used to get milk delivered, like milk bottles delivered. And when it gets really cold, the milk freezes, expands, and pushes out like a little milk poop out the top of the bottle with a little metal cap on the top of the bottle on top of it. So it looks like it's kind of rising out like a snake of frozen milk. Would you still drink that or would that put you off? No, you cut that bit off, defrost it, and away you go.

But frozen milk is never quite the same. Something happens, I think, when you freeze it, there's some reaction. So it separates sometimes a little bit. But anyway, you know, if it was a frosty morning, your milk might have frozen. If it was very cold, the milkman leaves the milk out. They come around at like five in the morning or something like that. So your milk is fully frozen when you go to get it yeah um but yeah so i wonder if it's in a bag obviously the bag can expand and contract slightly whereas the glass bottle is just

completely inflexible so the milk has to escape somehow and by god it does my mother-in-law was saying that over here in um in jersey i don't know if this is the same like in in in england or whatever um they used to have like foil tops for the milk. So milk would get delivered. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was like a foil top or whatever. But over here, there's a lot of seagulls. So they had to quickly do away with the foil tops because the seagulls would peck into it.

Yeah, and then they would like eat the cream off the top of the milk sort of thing. And everybody used to drive everybody nuts like she has like these childhood memories of these fucking seagulls just like shitting up all of her milk it's pretty funny it was like a silver top for full cream milk yeah it was like i think it was a hashtag blue and silver for uh like semi and gold top was like the extra creamy super special milk so why did this stop why did we stop having milkman delivered because what changed i think the the difference is this was obviously this was before supermarkets were a thing right and people i think didn't go out and buy also you just generally didn't buy huge things of milk you'd run out of milk and people need it

for their cereal and by god in britain for their tea right so you go through a lot of milk you'd run out of milk and people need it for their cereal and by god in britain for their tea right so you go through a lot of milk and you have it a couple of bottles delivered every other day or every few days or whatever yeah and that sets you up and you get orange juice delivered as well and then they you could get eggs so you could basically get the stuff that you needed that you maybe hadn't purchased yeah in the last few days you get it delivered and i mean if you live, if you're elderly, you don't have to go out shopping all the time. This is before internet shopping.

You have to go to the supermarket. You've got to buy all the milk. It's heavy. It's one of the heavier things you're going to buy. Does milk last longer these days? Or does it still last? Well, UHT milk does. If you get Cravendale,

that lasts for fucking ages, by the way. Shout out to Cravendale. That used to be the issue, I guess, which went out of date so quick. But I've switched over to oat milk and coconut milk now, and it never seems to go out of date. It takes me about two weeks to get through a car, and I'm sure it is going out of date.

I tell you what, there's nothing worse than when milk turns, oh, holy fuck, it's so gross. Like, Jesus, the smell. It's quick as well. Oh, the taste, too, when you accidentally drink some, and it's like curdling. Oh, that in your tea you have a sip of tea before yeah there's lumps in your teeth it floats to the top oh yuck fortunately there's a visual aid that is out of date you know well it's not green lewis it's not a cartoon no it's not no but it's still like it's different you

know the tea it looks the tea looks different when you put out-of-date milk in there. I mean, I'm not talking about yoghurted milk. Like, milk's literally turned solid. I'm talking when it's just gone off. You guys ever get that when you make a cup of tea and it looks like there's like grease spots on top of the tea? Like, you ever see that? Yeah, I think that's if you've put the milk in when the water is too hot.

Oh, right. And I think what it... You get some grease. Because my dad was saying to me, he doesn't drink milk in his tea. He drinks like fucking herbal tea now. Right. But, which I can't stand.

In my day, we had herbs. We had tea. But we didn't think about combining them. Combining the herbs and the tea. And then they combined it with hot water of all things. I could not believe my eyes at the time it's just like complete my life is ruined by this i can't what's happening to the

world everyone's in such a hurry to combine herbs and tea and water it's crazy crazy so anyway he said that you're meant to put the milk in the cup first. And one of the reasons is so that it doesn't scald the milk. Because obviously if you've got cold milk and you're adding hot water, it's adding it to cold so that there's less shock for the milk. There's like a chemical reaction. If you add it to boiling hot water, I think it can scald the milk and separate it. And then you get the grease spots. I believe.

I'm sure someone in the podcast is already typing a furious reddit comment i noticed oh by the way the comments for our last episode do you want to hear these yes these are actually funny this is this made me laugh because i imagine that a lot of the people who don't bother to comment just listen to the podcast and enjoy it but a lot of people that listen they don't maybe they get really angry by it like it's well maybe But I think most of them take to the internet to complain. So this guy's complaining about the fact that you and I, Sips, prefer streaming. And he's complaining that some people don't have time to watch a stream. And he wants to see an edited video.

And there's a lot of support for that. Sure. Then there's people arguing... This guy says they actually did pour hot oil on people and molten tar from windows above main doorways. And then this guy says, if it happened, it would have been rare. Just lewis said in the podcast oil was very expensive most of us didn't have enough of it what was used is boiling water and heated sand and then he says yeah that's true oil was quite rare and i'm thinking yeah we we literally covered that so this guy's complaining but maybe they were role-playing being the podcasters maybe in the thread and then someone

complains that lewis says the words you know six times in set in 20 seconds yeah and then they get into the fact that i used the term dark ages and i think we were talking about how terrible it would have been and then they start correcting us no no it's nothing to do with race it's dark because they lack the history from that period that's literally what it refers to it's not it's dark because it's like it's like trying to find out what happened and it's not like game of thrones yeah no it's literally the people weren't writing shit down the way they had once i'd like to do a podcast okay and then go on to the subreddit and see a post that has just like 20 000 upvotes and it has some crazy like 15 000 comments and all the comments are just lol like laugh like actually people just

laughing because the podcast was so hilarious yeah it was the funniest podcast and they they and they don't even need to elaborate or anything just like just lol so what are you saying like automatically as if like in future but we all have like chips in our brain like it automatically if someone you know enjoys a podcast at the end of it it also posts on the reddit thread yeah yeah i think you did get done for spamming though right you're not allowed that's true the mods would be like no no we're going to step in and stop this this looks like people are having fun on the internet ban it so quest so okay this week something did happen that's interesting right for a day a day. Yeah. Last week.

Uh-huh. And so you guys would have completely forgotten about this by the time this comes around. Because this was like... But it did happen in this last week. It snowed. Real bad. Oh. And everyone is already like past it.

Did it snow there for you? It snowed for like a minute for us here in London. We got hail down here. Oh, shit. You guys didn't have any snow? No, not really. I mean, it was like a millimeter of snow on top of the cars. That's it.

Because it rained, then the rain turned into sleet, then the sleet turned into snow, and then it stopped. And then it snowed again that day, like really fairly late in the day. And at that point, I was upstairs, I was doing some writing, and I hear from downstairs, Daddy! Daddy! And I think, oh my my god one of them's like poured boiling oil on themselves or

something like that Discovered that you can combine chocolate and milk The greatest discovery of the 21st century I go tearing downstairs panicking my heart's going and my daughter goes it's snowing I was like don't you do that to me

why did you do that you almost gave me a heart attack I said I know it's snowing i was like don't you do that to me why did you do like it almost gave me a heart attack i said i know it's snowing it's been snowing all day why are you screaming she's like well it's exciting and i felt really bad but at the same time for god's sake can't you just say dad i'm like what it's snowing isn't it cool i'll be like yeah love that's cool instead of screaming like you're on fire. I love that. Can you temper your childish wonder and dreams and enthusiasm, please? I've had all the joy sucked out of me. I'm not able to partake. Please, tone it down.

I'm very busy playing Dota Auto Chess. Just Instagram it to me, honey. Just put it on Instagram. Oh, my God. Guys, man, I have a lot of things to to cover from last i've had a really busy week for once oh yeah yeah tons of shit has happened to me okay okay where do you want me to start do you want the big news first at the beginning news first all right and then we can skip the rest of it the big news is that there is a new member of my family he is a spy, a spy, a spur-thighed Greek tortoise named Terry.

You bought a tortoise? I bought a spur-thighed tortoise. He's like two and a half years old. He's about the size of the palm of your hand. He's like really small. He's very active. He likes to run around a lot. He's got a little enclosure. Yeah. And he. Oh, spur-thighed. Yeah, he likes to bask. I got him a little basking light that he. He's a hand size.

He's like really small. He's tiny. And he likes to eat leafy greens, flax. I know you're probably not going to be too thrilled about that, but that's what he likes to eat. You know me, hamburger in one hand, steak in the other. That's all that's all they can live for 200 years i know yeah they can live for a very long time so like if he's if he's healthy and everything goes according to plan we're gonna have to include him in our will which is kind of weird wow you have to say oh my god please can you

take over ownership of terry after i die so hang on first of all questions did you name him um no not no i didn't i was like my kids so i took my kids on like a typical dad day right my wife was super tired needed a rest or whatever so i was like all right kids get in the car like the one day yeah the dad takes over yeah you end up coming home with a fucking tortoise come home with it we there was a lot of like debate and discussion about it but so i took them out to like get a couple of things because we had to go up to the store had to buy some new shoes for my daughter she wanted some new shoes so i took my daughter okay my daughter's three i take her to get some shoes okay and we're looking at the shoes and she likes pink mini mouse shoes. And I'm trying to get her sneakers, you know, like something that she can walk in or whatever.

Something cool. Yeah, you don't want to be seen with a girl wearing pink slip-on Barbie shoes. You want a kid who's got cool kicks. So we're looking at these shoes and she sees a pair that she likes. She's like, I want these ones. I was like, okay, do you guys have like this size? Do you have any money? So they go back and check.

Well, how are you going to afford them then? And they come back and they're like, no, do you guys have like this size? Do you have any money? They go back and check. Well, how are you going to fold them? And they come back and they're like, no, we only have like the one size bigger. I was like, well, you don't want clown shoes. Like you need your size.

You don't want to have like these big fucking battleship, you know, shoes on your feet that don't fit sort of thing. So she's like, okay. So like, let's find another pair that you like instead. She's like,

all right. And she's like super particular. So it's like kind of, it, you know, it's like, you're really like like super particular so it's like kind of it you know it's like you're really like on the knife's edge sometimes like like she could just melt down and have like a tantrum sort of thing if things don't quite go her way so like i'm being like very diplomatic very careful like all right they don't have these shoes like let's let's pick another pair i'm sure we'll find a better pair and stuff and she she's she's cool with that she's

like yeah okay so we go over and take a look and i'm like oh what about these ones there was like a pair that were very similar to the pink ones but they were red and they had like purple and pink on them and they were mini mouse as well she's like no i don't like those like what like they're pretty much no no i don't like those ones it's like okay and then she fucking picks up like a pair of cinderella princess heels for like for a three-year-old that they're like it looked like something that you'd wear like on the red carpet like in hollywood or something you know like it was just okay not not sportswear it wasn't like she's not going to be running around like kicking a ball or anything in these things like literally

they're like shoes that you step out of a limo in and then you take them off when you're sitting at your seat because they're super uncomfortable or whatever god so these are the shoes that she decides she wants so i was like going along with it i was like there's no way they're gonna have her size so i was like oh yeah excuse me do you have this size they're like yeah of course we do yeah here here they are oh fuck so so fucking so i ended up buying these high heels for my three-year-old daughter, which is kind of weird, but she really likes them anyway. So, so that was fun. So we did that.

So we did that. And we did a couple of other things. And then I was like, hey, do you guys want to go to the pet store? It's like just in here. Maybe they have like some guinea pigs or something we can go look at. Like, and they're like, yeah, let's go in. So we went in and there was like no guinea pigs. There was like one rabbit.

There was like fucking, like, it was like post-Christmas, right? So there was just like nothing. And then in the corner, there's this, yeah. Sorry, mate. Yeah, we had a busy Christmas. We fucking sold shit loads of guinea pigs. Fucking sold out. They were all gone.

There was nothing. And then in the corner all by himself just chilling is this little tortoise. So we go up and look at him and he comes running up to the glass and he's like trying to climb out and he looked super excited. My kids just like fell in love with him instantly. So I was like, oh, great. What kind of terminology are you using around this tortoise? It's a fucking tortoise.

I know. They're the opposite of running and excited. I was in your camp before I was recently converted. They never stop. Is it because you're getting old and quite slow that you think he's moving quickly? Is this a perspective thing? It's like the Doppler effect.

Not at all. They are super, super active. It's crazy. He was just tearing around in his cage yesterday all day. He'd eat. And the rabbit's really, really sluggish and tired out. Yeah, yeah. He would just like, he would just keep,

he did like 50 laps around his cage and then he had a little sleep and then he woke up again and did quite much the same. And then fucking, I turned off his light at like eight o'clock, but he'd already sort of gone to bed. So I turned off his like basking light and he needs a UV light as well. Cause like, it's just like for his skin and bones and stuff wait a second wait a second you you know there's a lot

of questions here you own a rabbit and a tortoise no i don't own a rabbit no just the tortoise lewis was crowbarring in a rabbit for for some reason i don't know because i was gonna say i mean you've got to have that race if you own those two things no no i don't i don't have i don't have both oh damn it buy a rabbit man he fucking slept for like 12 hours it was crazy like just flat out he was just like so tired from doing his exercise all day and stuff and uh i came in i came back in like later on in the evening to play some computer games it was like maybe 10 11 o'clock at night or whatever he was fucking just like sleeping he's just like whatever like not not didn't even startle him nothing like he's just like and then this morning at eight o'clock or whatever i came in to turn his lights and stuff on because they need

like they need the basking light and they need the uv light like on for like you know 12 hours a day or whatever um so you turn them on in the morning and um he's just fucking sitting there waiting like just looking like yeah where's my food like all of his food that i gave him yesterday was gone he's just he's fucking hilarious it's really good what a character what a character yeah what a what a guy so okay so first of all terry yeah you didn't name him or did you well kids name because he's too small to to tell what sex he is so and the kids were like let's call him terry the tortoise and i was like all right yeah terry's fine and then you know if it turns out it's not a guy it's a girl terry hatcher yeah yeah exactly yeah i thought you'd name them terry after terry wogan

because if terry wogan was an animal obviously he'd be a tortoise very slow yeah deep voice very chill it's just a funny name it was the toss-up between that and alan i think terry's a very famous tortoise was called timothy timmy tortoise yeah and she lived from 1844 to 2004 she was the oldest resident of the UK. Her name, obviously, she was called Timothy before they could determine her sex. Yeah, they didn't know. I guess, like, how's Terry? Well, Terry's like two and a half years old, so, I mean, shit. He's just a baby.

He'll grow to be like about the size of a dinner plate in the end. Good God. For now, he's just like really small. So, where are you going to keep him? I just got him in a cage in the garage here. I had a camera just like where are you gonna keep him i just got him in a cage in the garage here i had a camera set up on him yesterday i i was i had a terry cam for my stream yesterday i missed that shit people were like people were watching him run around stuff like that was really good so he's already he's he's not shy either he's not camera shy like it was

uncanny like when he doesn't know what it is when i flip away from the camera he would you know and he didn't have any screen time he would just go chill in the corner or whatever and then every time i'd flip back to check on him he would just come fucking racing out and start doing his tricks and stuff it was hilarious it was just running around and climbing he's just a natural performer he really honestly yeah he's he's got that he's got that built-in razzle dazzle he knows when to turn it on and turn it off and stuff it's crazy so yeah so he's um so yeah the kids love him as well and uh they can see him from so this coincides with me uh some some good news boys i quit vaping i i've just stopped i just i just kicked the habit

straight up i just last Friday, I ran out of juice and I said, no way, I'm not buying anymore. I'm sick of this crap leaking all over the place and having to replace coils and this and that and the other. So now that Terry's in here as well, I can't start vaping again because I can't subject Terry to like those vapors and stuff too, which means that now I can open my blinds in the garage. I don't have to hide away like some like, you know, secret closet vapist. Why do you have to hide away?

Well, because I don't want people, I have a really big window in the garage that people walk by all the time. And I don't want them to look in and just see some like fat old man vaping while he's playing computer games. So I used to close the blinds, right? But now I can have the blinds open.

I am not ashamed of my fat old vaping nurse at all i was a little bit uh was a little bit self-conscious about it so i was like you know i didn't want my my kids necessarily like watching me do that either i think that's because you were never a real smoker it's a personal choice yeah so now so now i can open the blinds which means that that the kids can actually see Terry from in the house because there's a window that they can go to and look out into the garage and see Terry perfectly from there. They don't necessarily have to come out every time they want to see him and stuff too. And he's an internet phenomenon now as well on the webcam.

It's more viewers for my stream, right? I can get the kids to watch my stream on Mood, and they can see terry of course kid friendly now yeah well he might might as well make his own twitch channel he might branch out on his own or her own you know is there a big christian twitch streamer i've been wondering if someone's actually that's 2019 i'm trying trying a couple of new things in 2019 I really want to make it big this year. You quit vaping and you've found Christ. I found Jesus H. No, you've got to call him Christ. Christ.

I found him with a capital H. I found him. I've been praising him every day and just trying to get people in the chat to recognize his glory and stuff as well. You can't take a day off with the praising. You've got to praise him every day. So, yeah. So, just trying a couple of things. I thought none of this works out. Maybe I'll just play some Fortnite or something.

See if I can maybe get big off that. Or like Apex Legends. We're playing that later. Okay, let's talk for a second about Timothy. So how do you think Timothy was found? What dead you mean? What's the earliest record? No, like found him in the first place in 1844.

I reckon he was found on some island by some English explorer. It was like one of those British expeditions where they have like a thermos with their tea in it. Pith helmets and locals carrying things. Captain John Guy Courtney Everard was a Royal Navy. locals carrying things captain john guy courtney everard of course the royal navy yeah he was he was um i think he he obviously did i don't know how he got involved with this but they were raiding

a portuguese privateer in the 19th century he was in the hands of a of a portuguese privateer it's always something really grim when like in in, when the British discover like a turtle or something, it's always like, oh, yeah, Mr. Captain, the Honorable Captain Henry Ramsbottom was mortally wounded at the Battle of Vindaloo. ridden penis in a trench tim timothy the tortoise turned up and suckled all the gangrene off of his penis and they became the best of friends forever after that that's it's always something like that it's always a story like that it's close yeah so basically he was thought to have been born on the shores of the mediterranean or maybe turkey and he was found in this privateer around 10. The captain adopted him as a sort of mascot on the ship, or her, I guess, eventually. They found out. And they were on a series of Navy vessels,

and then eventually ship's mascot of HMS Queen during the first bombardment of Sevastopol in the Crimean War. So she was the last survivor of the Crimean War. And then she kept being bounced around through lots of different ship's captains, like passed along like some sort of, I don't know, like ceremonial ship's mascot. And eventually the Earl of Devon took her to his home,

Powderham Castle, and etched on her underside, where have I fallen? What have I done? Which is the English translation of the courtney family motto okay where have i fallen is their motto yeah so they were all where have i fallen what's going on what a great motto where am i how am i i've fallen and i can't get up clap on clap off the clapper that's what i'm gonna engrave what am i fucking doing so that's the oxcast family motto uh then from 1935 onwards she's lived in the castle's

rose garden so she lived there for almost 80 years right now well that's all fine and everything but terry's only two and so far he's lived in my garage and the pet shop that's exactly what i'm saying he's got potentially 200 years ahead of him i'm sure yeah he survived the zombie apocalypse just think in 200 years what he's gonna see yeah he was handed down to like um many generations of my my my dynasty as well and then he managed to survive a tidal wave and a couple of earthquakes and then after after the zombie apocalypse the the world was just tornadoes that's all there was just tons he survived all those too man it's fucking terry's he can do it the oldest tortoise in the world is jonathan he is 187 wow uh it's seychelles giant tortoise how did he live

so long that's nuts he lives on st helena yeah and uh the st helena 5p has a picture of him on it wow amazing some it's a very he is alive and well however he is blind from cataracts has lost all of his sense of smell how many viewers does he pull on Twitch out of interest? Because, like, Terry had, you know, a couple thousand yesterday. Easy. Eos coruerunt et ego non possum sugere. I have fallen and I can't get up. That's my family motto. I'm going to put that with a fucking emblem

of a lad who's fallen over and can't get up. I've fallen and I can't get up. It's a very classic saying. Oh, fuck me. Yeah, so listen. So we got Terry, okay? And now everybody's pretty excited. There's a big buzz around the house.

Not only that, though. Not only that. I love how you talk about this shit. What a politician he is. We got one of those fucking air fryers as well. Holy shit. No fucking way. What's happening to you? Oh my God, this thingers as well. Holy shit. No fucking way. What's happening to you?

Oh my God. This thing is fucking amazing. Holy crap. You put a little tiny bit of sunflower oil in, you can make your own chips out of potatoes. You can put in, you can make a fry up if you want. Yeah.

It's called active fry. It's like a, this thing's seven grand. No, what the fuck are you talking about no you can get one for like a hundred pounds or something jm posner light fry oil free fryer ten thousand pounds no you're looking at whoa you're looking at the wrong what are you looking at your sips isn't running a fucking cafe no it's a it doesn't it doesn't

need to be industrial size no it's a t-fal active fry uh air fryer two in one it's a hundred beans all right yeah there you go that's the one look at this thing man so so is it like so even if you don't want to cut up your own potatoes and put like a little tiny bit of oil in to make really delicious chips okay um you can just put in oven chips without oil and it'll do them up like using the oil that's already on there perfectly it tastes like you're you're having like chips from a cafe like it looks like a big fat vape oh doesn't it it's incredible it's it's it's it's fucking awesome it's so good you could do other shit in it too we we've only like it's only the tip of the iceberg you've scratched the surface of air fry capability.

That's it. We got it just because we wanted to make some chips. But now we're like, holy fuck, we could make so much more with this. We could put in like some meat-free chicken nuggets in there. We could try that. Onion rings. We can make those in there too. Listen to this, my friend.

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Oh, God. Big shout out to our sponsors Tfile today for the podcast but no honestly this thing is fucking awesome like I would highly recommend getting one if you're into that sort of thing I'd trust your opinion over the fucking Tfile website any day Mrs. F will be sold on that

another piece of crap for our kitchen well that's Chris's birthday present so wait and it's a loud piece of crap too, but it makes really good chips. Like it's like really, really decent chips. So could I buy the kind of chips that need to be deep fried

and fry them in the T-Fowl Active Fryer? As long as you put a little bit of oil, yes. Wow. And how much oil would I need to use? Like a teaspoon. Amazing. Oh yeah, because you know what it does? It like creates an oil mist and sprays it around.

So it doesn't need the volume that you'd normally dunk them in. What if you open it while it's on? Is it a bit like one of those medieval oil barrel things where it goes all over you? Yeah, it's like a white hot mist. It's like a sprinkler, but with hot oil. Yeah. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch. It's splurting on me.

Is it slow? Or is it, have you opened the active fry? I opened the active fry. My eyes are melting. God. Oh, God. Yeah, so, and also, okay, there's more, guys. I've been so fucking.

But there's more. There's more. So, the active fry is great. Man, everybody's loving it. The house is buzzing. We got this active fry. We got Terry. Morale on the ship is high.

Man, it's sky high. We've never been happier as a family. Like, everybody's going nuts okay but then okay for every for every positive in this world i truly believe there has to be a negative right so yeah it's the eternal balance everyone loves them we got the active fry everyone loves it makes great chips and stuff so we get these bedside lamps okay we we like the style of of this certain one this is another thing that i had to pick up on the saturday when i was out with the kids i'm already feeling the crushing disappointment coming out with the kids i had to get some new bedside lamps okay if there's one thing that can ruin an otherwise great week it's a bad lamp well yeah this is it so so i pick up these lamps i look

at them and like hang on a second touch dim dimmable. That sounds great. No more switch or anything. You just touch it anywhere on the metal part of the lamp. And it had like three dimming settings. So you touch it and it would like come on. And then it'd be a little bit brighter if you touch it again. And then it'd be super bright if you touch it again. And then if you touch it again. I should have warned you about these.

It turns off, right? So I'm like, great, that's amazing. So we get them. I get the bulb screwed in everything it like two seconds of setup it was perfect it was it was great plugged it in good to go looks great bedroom is just like looks nice now we got these nice nice lamps or whatever cool so like i'm a bit of a night owl okay like my wife goes to bed at a at a reasonable hour like 10 11 o'clock at night or whatever i go to bed at like two in the morning okay i stay up after she goes to bed at a at a reasonable hour like 10 11 o'clock at night or whatever i go to bed at like two in the morning okay i stay up after she goes to bed i will stay up i play video games and stuff

in my garage and i there's no i have no shame about like i love i love my life right now like i get a lot of free time to just play video games and get angry at video games i got terry out here now keeping me company while i do that um and so my wife's asleep the kids are asleep cool it's a the whole house is dark right so i come in it's like two in the morning or whatever bloodshot eyes i just had a real real heavy session of fucking uh auto chess you know won a couple of games lost a couple you know how it goes so uh so i get in i like lock the door turn off something like we like my wife always leaves lights on like downstairs for me to come in and stuff which is is really nice. So I'm turning the lights off and stuff.

House is pitch black. Start walking up the stairs and all of a sudden, bing, fucking bedroom light comes on. I was like, oh, shit. I guess my wife like didn't go to bed or she just heard me coming up. So she's like switched the light on or whatever. So it's like, oh, okay, weird. Like I hope everything's okay. So I get to the top of the stairs, go into the bedroom, look in, expecting to see my wife like sitting up like waiting to say hi or something like that she's

like in a fucking coma okay but the light is on and it just come on it's like what the fuck is going on here is she like playing a prank on me or something like what she just like turned the light on and then went like right back to the deepest sleep she's ever had or something so like that's kind of fucking weird. So like I said, like, yeah, are you up? Like no response whatsoever. So I was like, all right, fucking, I'll just switch off the light. Man, I go to bed, seriously, like six or seven more times that night, the fucking light, the bedside light just came on full blast randomly.

Like I'd be turning over to like you know adjust myself in my sleep and get comfortable or whatever a fucking light is on i was like what the fuck so we wake up in the morning i was like why did you keep switching the light on in the middle of the night like were you you having like sleepwalking or something she's like no it was terry he wanted the lamp it wasn't even terry She was like, no. This fucking lamp just kept switching itself on randomly in the night. I had to keep switching it off. And then my son came in at like 5 o'clock in the morning.

He was like, oh, can I sleep in? Why is the light on? I was like, fuck, I don't know why the light's on. It just keeps switching itself on. I don't know what's going on. God. Get rid of this fucking lamp. This lamp is bringing down an otherwise perfect week. So get it out.

So either our house is haunted by ghosts who switch on these lamps in the middle of the night, or there's like some weird radio interference around my house that I was unaware of or something. But it seems to only happen at night because I left them plugged in during the day and they never switched on or off during the day randomly. And then at night, all of a sudden, it's just like a fucking switch on, switch off at random. I have a theory. Fiesta. I have a theory.

There's no one in the bedroom during the day, right? But at night, you've got people in there. Now, I'm assuming that you sleep under a duvet, right? When you move, a little hot air escapes from the duvet and the lamp gets confused because it's probably just a temperature thing right it might just be like if it feels a change in temperature on its surface or something maybe that's enough to trigger it or you got yourself a faulty lamp there sir i take it back but i had to unplug them i did would not risk that again i don't want it i don't like to be woken up by it so now you have a lamp that you

have to have unplugged. Get rid of it. Get rid of it. What's wrong with the switch? Switch is perfect. It's on. It's off. I'm going to take them back.

Take them back. Take them the fuck back. And take Terry with you. I want to know what he'd have to say about this. Listen, I'm sorry for hijacking the whole podcast, but I've had a busy week, like I said. You've had an interesting week, dude. That's not a hijack. Listen to this.

So I go to get Terry, okay? And I bought, like, I had to buy all the lights and stuff. Tortoises are expensive, okay? And I don't mind telling you, I spent about 190 pounds on gear for him. Like, it's expensive. Yeah, you need lights. You need like all this stuff or whatever. So 190 pound, I'm like, all right, cool.

You know, the kids really like, and we love them and stuff. He's worth it and stuff. Cool. So the lady charges me 190 pounds and I put my pin in, walk away. I didn't even check or anything. Later on that night, my wife is on internet banking and she's like, whoa. It's like, what's going on? She's like, holy crap.

I think they overcharged you at the pet shop. I was like, oh shit. Like what, you know, what happened? She's like, well, there's, they charged us 1,'s they charge just 1920 pounds oh my god it's like holy crap that's a really expensive tour she's like do you not fucking check when you put your pin in here it's like oh fuck terry what have you been doing my credit card very slowly purchasing more lamps you get so complacent with paying with cards and stuff don't you like i never fucking check you know like what i what i don't like is when when they have to key in the amount i'm always thinking they could fuck

that up you know what i mean they could fuck it up in your favor as well right they could sometimes but but i think it's more likely that they push one too many yeah uh than one too few well that's never happened to me before except for this time so now i'll be super vigilant but surprisingly i was just going to go in and sort it out but they phoned me before i could even leave the house in the morning they're like oh sir we're really sorry we think we overcharged you i was like oh shit yeah i know we noticed i'm like just coming in to do it right now i'll put my bat away now that you're uh amenable but man i feel like if it would have been like you know some places would have probably just been like oh shit yeah we just got paid like fucking a thousand times more than we should have for that. Let's not mention it sort of thing.

See if they don't notice. But I appreciated the honesty. I feel like the only pet shop in Jersey, probably. Man, surprisingly, there's like four or five over here. It's kind of nuts. Oh, shit. Whoa. Okay.

Well, I did something reasonably interesting on Sunday. I went for a meal. I went for a very nice meal at Hefston Blumenthal's restaurant in Knightsbridge. Oh. So my friend Blitz, that guy you might know, he comes over to London from time to time. And when he does, we go out for a meal. It's like a little tradition that we've got. So I've been taking him out to a place around here up in Richmond.

Very nice. And this time he was like, come to this place. It's amazing. So it was called Dinner by Heston Blumenthal, right? It was like in the Oriental Mandarin Hotel. And I immediately thought the Mandarin Oriental is kind of like a super old-fashioned name because I don't think you'd call a hotel the Oriental these days, I guess. But anyway, it's still called that.

What would you call it? Mandarin Hotel, maybe. I don't know. I believe the term Oriental is days, I guess. But anyway, it's still called that. What would you call it? Mandarin Hotel, maybe. I don't know. I think that I believe the term Oriental is considered out of date. Right. Yes, I believe so. So it's a very fancy place.

Marble, staircases, amazing carpets. You go to open the door and there's like three dudes opening the door for you. Good afternoon, so good evening, you know, blah, blah, blah. We got into the restaurant. Great bar. The bar was amazing. Fantastic cocktails. and then we sat down for dinner genuinely phenomenal meal like just just stunning every every aspect of it was was beautiful and perfect and the food

is based i thought it was going to be like fancy stuff like parmesan foam and beef pellets and you know all that kind of experimental stuff. But instead, he'd gone the other way. And all these recipes were from like hundreds of years ago that he'd updated slightly, but it maintained the same concept. Okay. It was, it was, I looked at the menu and it all sounded good, but there was steak and chips and it was triple fried chips,

which is something that Heston Blumenthal invented. Triple cooking chips, right? And I thought, I've never had a triple cooked chip in my life forget about the air fry i want to know what this is like so you triple fry with the air fry i presume you could but whatever method he's got he's we'd have to use three teaspoons of oil and then it started to become unhealthy but there's obviously i don't think he literally just fries them three times there's obviously some processes going on but they're triple cooked chips they were unbelievable and the sauce that went on top of the steak it was like a really it was not this slab of meat it was like a delicate perfect piece of meat beautifully cooked

sauce was amazing chips were amazing the dessert was this brioche and this amazing sauce in like a little pot which was amazing with this strip of pineapple because that was considered a real delicacy back in the day like hundreds of years ago it was amazing, with this strip of pineapple, because that was considered a real delicacy back in the day, like hundreds of years ago. It was like people would have them as a centerpiece on their dinner table. You'd hire a pineapple if you're having a dinner party just to put in the middle of the table because it was such an exotic thing, right? So they cook this pineapple for like four hours. They spit roast it and they're pouring syrup and all this over it, literally for four hours this thing is cooking. And that was and then they say would you like us to make ice cream for you at the table and i was like fuck yeah i want to see how you do that let's let's go so they use liquid nitrogen

whoa big jug a big fucking jug of it and they have this ice cream you get a lot of that with that guy don't you he's like yeah but there's the waitress or the wait server or whatever people call him these days the waiter she comes out with this fucking jug of liquid nitrogen. And I'm thinking this is the point where she's holding a jug of potentially deadly chemical because she threw it in your face. I'm pretty sure you're going to you're going to die. Right. And I was worried she's pouring it towards this thing and a tiny, tiny drop of it splashed onto my sock. Just the tiniest little drop of liquid nitrogen just sort of misted down and landed on my sock.

And I thought I was going to shatter like the T-1000 at the end of Terminator 2, you know, where they freeze him. But I didn't, I was okay. But I imagine if she'd poured more and a lot of it had spilled onto my sock, I would have lost a foot. And I thought maybe this is a good idea on paper,

but I'm not so sure it has a health and safety standards up to par. But the ice cream was very good, so fuck fuck it it's definitely not like safe to use but it's not as dangerous as you think it is if i spilled it on myself would i die no you wouldn't die it causes rapid freezing of your skin which is obviously incredibly bad they use it to treat things like like warts don't they break vrucas but a tiny bit on a piece of cotton like I've had that done when I was a kid I had a had a verruca that wouldn't go and they literally freezed it off like it hurts a feral bit but they just put a tiny bit on a cotton

swab and and then it's done but if you poured a jug of it on your foot I'm guessing you'd lose your foot at least a frost bite right I mean it's oh that wouldn't be good no you definitely wouldn't want to do that but i think like a little a little couple of splashes on on on fabric is probably you're okay all right good because i've been looking at my foot every few days just checking for frostbite just in case okay you notice you would notice you're you're not suddenly just gonna like look at your foot one day and it's suddenly like all frozen like a superhero you've like suddenly got superpowers and stuff it's i mean i don't think you'd notice if it was frozen it's killed the nerve endings right so i just i was worried that's all i'm saying but anyway the meal was

very good 10 out of 10 10 out of 10 i'm not even taking a point if she was fantastic apart from the single tiny drop of apparently harmless liquid with the steak did you have some sort of sauce with it yes what sauce was it because because i love how you mentioned that almost in the same like the steak was good but also the sauce was good the sauce is as big a part it absolutely was now did you get to pick or did it was it no it came with a sauce i can't like it came with a mushroom ketchup which was very good and then uh this sauce i can't even remember what the sauce was but it was my god you're salivating talking it was amazing it was amazing i am because it was so good so i'm looking at this fucking hotel it's super fancy i know the kind of meal how much was it how much was that i didn't pay my friend paid so blitz paid because i paid for the italian meal i mean i would guess with

the cocktails that we had beforehand i think you're probably looking at 600 quid hey so so you're right oriental is uh considered to be a derogatory term now and um i think um obama signed some legislation to ban the term from being used in federal um stuff writings and stuff so there you go interestingly enough mrs f last last week or the week before was in beirut she went to beirut and then she went to abu dhabi both both on business and when she was in the restaurant she called me up and she said, what is Occidental dishes? What does that mean? Like Occidental. And because I'd played Anno, right? There's the Occident and the Orient. And I knew the Occident means the West, right? Or and then the Orient means the East. So that was, I said to her, that means like Western food. She

was like, okay, gotcha. So she asked for the occidental menu and got something off that but she had no idea like oh so they're still using occidental but we can't use oriental so i guess maybe because we're not offended by the term occidental i mean i've never even heard of they come as a pair well they're exactly opposed it's the occident and the orient that's where it comes from that they change over time like certainly you can certainly you can start off with a pair but then one of them becomes, you know, like, I don't know what the opposite of, like, well, I'm not going to start digging into words we can't use anymore. All right, let's not dig around.

There's usually a reason we can't use them anymore. I'm not sure what the reason behind using Oriental is, but it's certainly, like, it doesn't feel modern, does it? It doesn't feel kind of like a modern, approved way. It feels like an old-fashioned way of referring to oriental is he oh fascinating oriental chap but you like you you know the word chinaman people don't use that word anymore so there are words that people don't use they sort of passed out not just of fashion but they feel so old-fashioned you assume that the

person saying it is probably racist with lydia i used the term chinaman a few times people were like i'm not sure you can use that anymore and i was like it is 1835 if you're role-playing a racist back then that's probably fine yeah no i mean there's there's a line definitely i think it's just the kind of people that tend to use those words and complain about them disappearing are the exact same kind of people who say you know they shouldn't be over here anyway stuff like that like those sentences seem to go together so i think that's one of the reasons by the way the fillet fill the reason i said 1830 was the fillet of hereford beef uh it's what you had yes circa 1830 yes so it's it's the same sort of design of something they had you know 100 and back back in the day okay let's

let's link all this whole podcast together. Back in the day when maybe Terry's great-great-grandmother, Timothy, the tortoise, right? Back when she was lovely, sitting, being born on the beaches of Turkey. In England, during the colonial times, 1830, people in Hereford were eating filet of beef with mushroom ketchup and triple cooked chips. Yes. Does it mention the sauce?

It doesn't mention the sauce, no. Because it came in a little jug and it was amazing. I poured it all over that shit. Do you want to know how much it cost? I think it was about £85, I guess. £52 it was. How much was the tipsy cake? The tipsy cake.

Oh, the tipsy cake. Spit roast pineapple, circa 1810. It was 18 pounds 50. Oh, it was amazing. And what about... And the other things you could have had were chocolate drops. So they were combining stuff back then, you know? Amazing.

Brown bread ice cream. Yeah, Mrs. F had that. She had that because her grandmother used to make brown bread ice cream. I remember it. Oh, my God. Maybe we're wrong and people did combine stuff together. They apparently did, but things that don't necessarily go together. Like, brown bread and ice cream, to me, is not a match.

So I think we just have to narrow it down. There's something for you as well, Sips. Blackberry tart circa 1800. Saffron cake with jersey cream. There you go. Wow. See? Wow. We're linking everything together. We are linking it all together. Jeez. Oh, we've done it. saffron cake with jersey cream there you go see we're linking everything together

we're linking it all together we've done it what a podcast what a fucking podcast I think I fell asleep for the past like 10 minutes because I was talking about steak I had to listen to your shit about a fucking lamp and a tortoise and I politely listened

I started talking about a delicious meal Sips has a ghost he's fried some stuff there's a tortoise and I politely listen and I ask questions. I'm so sorry about that. I start talking about a delicious meal. Sips has a ghost. He's fried some stuff. There's a tortoise. Are words still racist? Probably. Don't say them.

Eat healthy or not with air fries. Just do what you like. Christ. Fucking be your own man. That's right. Or woman. Forge your own path.

You might not know because you might be a turtle. You don't need to look on wiki how to live your life. God, just fucking figure it out. Forge your own path you might not know because you might be a turtle you don't need to look on wiki how to live your life god just fucking figure it out forge your own path the end thanks everyone

we'll see you next week bye see you later bye